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Coffee Break: Banner Medium Patchwork Leather Tote Bag

This is a splurge item for sure … but look how pretty! I really like this Burberry tote bag — the pattern is fabulous. Obviously, I would welcome this kind of pattern on a much less expensive bag, but it's great to see the details, like the way the leather is sewn together, the gold hardware and metal feet, and the internal pockets. This bag is just really fun, and it comes in a lot of colorways. It's $2,895 at Neiman Marcus. Burberry Banner Medium Patchwork Leather Tote Bag Two more affordable options are here and here. This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!

Sales of note for 12.2.24 (Happy Cyber Monday!! See our full sale listing here!)

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

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189 Comments

    1. +1 – So gorgeous. I was surprised to see it was Burberry since I don’t usually associate the brand with amazing bags like this.

    3. Do people really spend this much on purses? I can’t even imagine. Not even winning the lottery would make me think that’s ok.

      1. I wont either. I would not ask my dad to get me this for my birthday, b/c then he would accuse me of NOT being fruegel. I need to save for a 3BR 3Bath on the Upper WEST Side with a Wrapararound Balcony. It is VERY expensive for new construction, but dad wants to look out on the INTEREPID boats. I would PERFER to see NYC, not New Jersey, but he is paying for most of it, so I will DEFERR to HIM on this. He says he wants to look out at the George Washington Bridge (Bridgegate he says) so that is why the apartement will face NORTH and West. I read about the London Fire, and now do NOT want to live above the 10th Floor. Dad wants me to live above the 20th floor, but I am NOT anxius to do that. The building he is lookeing at has over 30 floor’s, tho I am not sure how many exacteley. FOOEY! He assured me that for the prices we are lookeing at, we will be safe. I hope he is right. B/c if he’s not, I am in trouble. DOUBEL FOOEY!

      2. Yeah, I can’t imagine spending this much on a purse even if I had tens of millions of dollars. Maybe if I had hundreds of millions, but even then I think I’d want to do something more meaningful with the money.

      3. Yes, they do. I do, not all the time and often from Neiman’s sales section, but yes. I don’t spend much on clothes or shoes but I like having a nice bag. I have no debt and healthy retirement and savings accounts and not enough time to travel, so this is my splurge sometimes and they make me smile and feel like I look great even when I am in a same ol’ outfit. You can wear one every day in a row (for years!) and no one bats an eye and then I consign them!

      4. Sometimes you see something and just cannot get it out of your mind until you have it… so yes, people really spend this much on purses. Even people here.

        1. I’ve spent about this much or slightly more on purses, twice.

          That said, I haven’t bought a purse in four years, so it’s not something I have done (or would do) regularly. I love both bags and probably carry one or the other of them 60% of the time (one is my standby black work bag, the other I carry mostly for work but also for casual situations). I hang onto purses a really long time…my third workhorse bag is about 7 years old.

      5. Money is relative. When I was growing up, spending $10 on a shirt seemed excessive. Now that I’m older and more financially stable, I spend amounts that would have been crazy to me 20 years ago. If you had millions of dollars, spending 2K on a bag wouldn’t phase you.

  2. going to a casual event with stylish crowd and need advice on jeans. I have a pair of light wash, high waist skinny jeans. the waist and I think the color are pretty on trend. but dies that save them from the “out” skinniness?

    I don’t normally care, or dress to please others, but it’s important for me to feel like one of the cool kids for this one.

      1. haha. not for me, clearly. I think now they re more “classic” than on-trend. Mine are still in my regular rotation.

    5. I feel like for a couple of years there has been an insistence that skinny jeans are on the way out in theory… but in practice, they haven’t actually gone out.

    6. You know what’s way more stylish than trying to wear what is at peak trend this very second and looking like you’re trying too hard? Wearing something you’re comfortable and confident in.

      1. yes, I know. thanks. as my post said, there are reasons not worth explaining that I’m diverging from this otherwise sound advice. and I will feel confident no matter what because I’ll choose something I already own and love.

      2. I don’t think it’s true that being trendy equates with trying too hard. It completely depends on the context. Some people are really up on fashion trends and it sounds like that’s who OP is wanting / needing to fit in. For all you know she’s going to a denim runway show!

    7. Last Friday, our summer office intern wore light, high waisted Mom jeans with a thin, beige bodysuit, sky high spiky heels, and wavy hair.

      Apparently, it’s on trend to look like Mariah Carey circa 1992.

    8. I think you’re fine, but can I just say that I’m sick of the rapid cycling through trends? I want to look nice, but it’s hard enough to find clothes that fit and flatter. #darkwashforlife #notsorry

      1. I have worn the same two pairs of skinny, dark wash jeans for more than three years now. They’re the only two pairs I have. I say they’re classic!

      2. Agree and I also strongly believe that clothes that fit and flatter are way more stylish than on trend. The super high waist flatters very few people in my opinion. And I still think dark wash reads much nicer than light wash, but I guess if the crowd is super trendy this might not be the case.

    10. There has been this rather snotty response to questions about being on-trend around here lately. Don’t shut down people because they want to be current. We are, after all, commenting on a fashion b log. If you don’t like trend questions, move along rather than trying to cut someone down for asking.

  3. For hive members in and around the Philadelphia area, we’re having a summer happy hour and you’re invited!

    When: Wednesday, June 28, 2017, 6pm until ??
    Where: Uptown Beer Garden, 1735 Market Street

    RSVP at gingery87 at the mail of G if you’re interested. First timers totally welcome!

    I’ll re-post this again a few days before the event, too.

      1. We’ve had Boston meet-ups in the past. But I’m not sure if the ladies who used to organize it are still around…

    2. Yay, excited to see everyone there. I loved our last brunch super fun to meet people in person.

    4. Jealous! I went to a DC one a few years back, but now that I’ve moved I’m not sure how much momentum there’d be for a Triangle/RDU version.

      1. I’d be up for a triangle one. I’ve been bad about meeting new people since I moved here…3 years ago (so yea, really bad about it).

        1. How did I not realize you were in this area? If you want to plan something, let me know! p o m p o m r e t t e at gmail

  4. What’s your favorite girls night out outfit for getting drinks or fun dinners? I’m about to have several nights out, but have realized I really only have great work clothes and need some inspiration to find something other than “home with the kids trying to fit in a work out” outfits.

    1. Black or dark wash skinny jeans. Fun cami or tank in a work-inappropriate fabric or style- strappy or shiny or sparkly. Add leather jacket if needed.

    3. I like to wear my high waisted jeans + sort of looser tee + sandals with a wedge heel (that’s what i’ll wear tonight to drink beer with ladies) or sundresses + flats + cardigan/leather jacket (prob what I’ll wear on my date this weekend).

  5. I know a lot of ladies here have talked about taking psych meds so I wondered if anyone could identify with my issue. On the one hand, I can recognize they’ve decreased my anxiety enormously. On the other hand, I can’t shake the feeling that it was never that bad to begin with. It was always kind of cordoned off in specific areas (until it wasn’t but that was only for a few months) and I’ve always been highly functional. I guess a large part of me thinks this is something everyone deals with and that it’s weak to resort to medication for it. Has anyone dealt with similar feelings?

    1. Nope, absolutely not. It’s like any other illness or health condition that I would treat with the appropriate medical attention.

      1. +1. I have also been very high-functioning, high-achieving, but an absolutely miserable ball of anxiety as soon as I could stop “performing.” Medication lets me actually enjoy the life I’ve worked for. It’s amazing.

        1. I definitely see what you are saying and I’m unquestionably overthinking this, but when I read your comment I thought “I’m not sure things were ever that bad for me.” But maybe I’m minimizing some fairly miserable experience and that is part of the problem.

          1. If they’ve decreased your anxiety, that’s a net plus. Maybe just see it that way: less anxiety is good. Regardless of anything else.

          2. I don’t understand why, if they help and have noticeably decreased your anxiety, you are trying to perfectionist yourself out of meeting some anxiety standard that doesn’t exist in the first place.

            You were anxious. Medicine has helped you. Do you want to go back to feeling regularly anxious or do you want to function in a more pleasant space?

            It’s like if you were eating food that tasted rotten, but you said to yourself, well, it’s not rotten ENOUGH for me to stop eating it, surely there is more rotten food out there, I should keep eating it. NO! You stop eating the rotten food because it tastes bad and it’s potentially very bad for you.

          3. Perfectionist it out is a good phrase, thank you. I kind of feel like I would try to punish myself by eating the rotten food which is something to think about. (I mean, metaphorically. I don’t really eat rotten food.)

          4. Welp that wasn’t what I meant to say. I agree with Sloan and Anonymous at 4:00.

    2. This is the dangerous thinking that often leads people to stop taking their meds on their own, leading to medical and mental health issues. When the meds work, everything seems better and thus it leads to questioning whether things “were ever really that bad.” If you truly think you don’t need the meds anymore, talk with your mental health professional and discuss lowering the dose and tapering down. Don’t ever try to taper or stop on your own, this can lead to catastrophic consequences <3

    3. Take them if you need it hem. First, apparently most people don’t live with anxiety, either situational or constant. I assumed they did until I was informed otherwise.

      Second, if you have a headache, do you take Advil? Or do you think “Well, sure, this sucks, but I didn’t get shot in the head?” No. You take the Advil.

      Last, there’s enough to go around. My boss once told me that in combat, there aren’t always enough fentanyl lollipops to go around if there’s been a terrible firefight. So the soldiers make their comrades who are in the worst pain take them and refuse them themselves. The comrades in the worst pain try making others take them and it goes around and around. No one wants to take meds from a brother that needs them. They want others to feel better. But in the civilian world, there’s more than enough to go around. Just because someone is in worse pain doesn’t mean your pain (anxiety, etc) doesn’t also get attention and care and help.

      Seriously- there’s nothing wrong or weak about taking meds.

      1. Do people really not live with anxiety? That’s kind of fascinating and I guess I’ve always just assumed otherwise.

        1. Ha, I feel the same way. It’s amazing to me that people get through the day without anxiety.

        2. Um, no, I do not live with anxiety as an everyday norm in my life. Sure, if I’m facing something big or making a big change, I’ll feel insecure or fearful or vulnerable or something. But general anxiety in the middle of everyday life? Nope. It’s definitely not my baseline, and I wouldn’t want others thinking it’s something they have to suck it up and live with.

          1. Agreed. I’m not perfect by any means but I lucked out and am not anxious. I get depressed occasionally, but not anxious unless it’s tied to something big.

            If meds make you feel better, take them! Don’t suffer because you think it’s something you should be able to handle on your own. I’m still kicking myself for not going to a doctor for my migraines for years just because I knew other people had it worse so I assumed mine weren’t worth seeing a doctor for. Be smarter than me. Take medication that improves your life.

          2. +1. Yes, I get anxious about things. But it’s not a constant level of background noise for me that never goes away. It comes and goes as related to specific issues or events.

        3. Apparently not. I had always been anxious (like, from some of my earliest memories), so it came as kind of a shock to me that people just, aren’t?

    4. I also had a bit of a hard time at first because it was hard to accept the idea that I needed medication just make me feel “normal,” because that’s something I should be able to handle on my own. I didn’t like that I needed help to achieve something ostensibly simple.

      But everyone needs a little help sometime, right? I discussed it with my therapist, and focused on the fact that getting better/being in control again was the goal. If it took meds to get there, so be it. I was doing what I needed to do to take care of myself, and that was what was important.

      Don’t feel bad or think needing medication is weak. What’s weak is not taking it and not working toward getting you better.

      1. Thanks. I guess part of my reaction is that my therapist and psychiatrist both expressed the opinion that I should consider this indefinitely which kind of freaked me out. Something else to get used to I guess.

        1. I hear you. My psychiatrist had warned me at the beginning that the meds would help, but wouldn’t get me to 100%, more like 80% at most. That really didn’t help my attitude. Looking back, it was probably a fair assessment. I’m doing well, but I’m not the same person I was before; I’m not “100%” in that sense.

          Here’s wishing you all the best!

    5. From the time I was in about 2nd grade, if I had to have a difficult conversation, I would start shaking. Like ice tinkling in the glass as I’m drinking shivering. Once the conversation was over, I’d stop shaking.

      I went 30+ years thinking this was normal. Having a total breakdown at work that included shouting at my boss on the phone and being written up for being verbally inappropriate led me to telling my doctor I couldn’t live the way I was living. He almost hospitalized me that afternoon, due to the vital signs I had during the visit (the BP was in the “you’re on the verge of a stroke” range, and my heartbeat was irregular).

      August will be 2 years of medication. I don’t shake when I have to have difficult conversations anymore. I got through the death of my mother last year still able to function (ever put together a post-funeral dinner for 30 on the spur of the moment?). I don’t have trouble sleeping anymore, short of a sudden stressful event that overloads my brain & all my coping mechanisms.

      I have accepted that I will be on an anti-anxiety medication the rest of my life. This is what it takes for me to be okay. I want to be okay and functional, not the sobbing, crying, shaking, shouting mess that I was 2 years ago.

      1. Same. Shaking, shivering, and smiling/laughing at inopportune anxious times.

        I still shake when I’m anxious, and we haven’t quite figured out a good med dose to get me to not lose my s*it sometimes. But I also have less constant low-level “You are fine, everything is fine, literally there is NOTHING WRONG” panic I was getting for awhile there.

    6. I had those very thoughts when I took some anti-depressants. It actually made my depression worse, since mostly I was depressed about feeling weak/emotional after a stressful/traumatic-for-me event instead of just bouncing back. It was a spiral. I decided to stop since I also did not like the side effects. I found myself back at the doctor a few months later and got back on a different med. Then I took myself off that and I haven’t felt I needed them at all in the 18 years since. For me, I just needed the chemistry back in balance.

      Anxiety may be a different story from situational depression, and my anecdotal experience suggests it is.

      Also, I acknowledge the advice of not taking yourself off of meds is good advice. I was on low dosage and not for particularly long, and it went fine, but def consult your doctor.

      1. To clarify: I don’t mean the meds made my depression worse. They are the only thing that helped. I mean thinking that taking them meant I was weak made it worse.

    7. So I just saw my psychiatrist yesterday, and asked him to reduce my dosage of ABC because I am SO TIRED all the time (and also secretly because I wanted a professional to pronounce me ‘not depressed any more’) but instead he increased my dosage of XYZ. I was frustrated, but he used a metaphor that I found helpful. He compared the meds to a cast. You get the cast on correctly, it stabilizes the bone, and then the bone works to heal. (It doesn’t work exactly because presumably you get the cast on right the first time and meds have been more iterative…)

      Anyway, it made sense to me because I am doing hard work in therapy I think that yes, I am stable-ish, def. high functioning, but thus far I’ve used my stability to pluck out the major traumas and I’ve just started to build healthy mental habits instead of harmful ones… Once those wounds are healed and the habits are second nature, then perhaps it’s a better time to start thinking about coming off.

      I am trying not to be impatient. I am trying to focus on how much better I am, day to day, and to remember that ultimately that is the goal, not medication vs. not medication.

      1. Also! And more to the point. Your pain/discomfort/anxiety *matters.* If your anxiety can be made enormously better through medication, your anxiety is a real thing. And you deserve to have it addressed! You deserve to feel better! You don’t have to be the worst off to deserve help.

    8. My brother put it best: our bodies are still in the hunter/gathering stage and want to be outside in the greenery but our environment is high-paced, high-stress, high-tech, and steel. Of course we need medication!

    9. I did worry about it, until I met my husband. He’s a professor of neuroscience at Duke. He explained how very little we understand about the brain – and he accepted my diagnosis without question. We’ve been married for seven years and he’s never treated it as anything different from any other chronic disease.

    10. I wear my glasses every day. Wouldn’t think of not doing so. Same thing, really. It’s not my eyes’ fault, either, if they change prescription over time, which I’m sure they will as they always have and surely always will. I’m not going to feel like I have to suck it up and squint all the time, and there’s no way I could drive without them.

  6. Does anyone follow Cupcakes and Cashmere and the fallout of them firing Alina? It’s like a real life bar exam essay question. So many legal issues all tied up in one outrageous fact pattern!

    1. I only saw the very brief GOMI useless summary – where can I get the juicy details?!

    2. I sort of casually hate-read her in past years when her style and pretentiousness were amusingly annoying, but it’s harder now, since it makes me genuinely sad that she appears so uninterested in and annoyed by her daughter. I’m not a kid person and 100% do not judge women who are childless by choice. But you really shouldn’t have kids unless you actually want to be a mom, and seeing it play out before an audience of half a million (?) is heartbreaking to me.

      I haven’t been following Alina-gate super closely although I skim GOMI from time to time. It sounds to me like both Alina and Emily acted pretty unprofessionally though. Alina shouldn’t have ditched work just because she was out of town but Emily shouldn’t have sent her husband to fire Alina in a roundabout way.

    3. Where are you getting the info? I follow the blog and have been curious, but they haven’t given any details. I even read the comments and didn’t find anything. Now I really want to know!

      1. The s*te Get Off My Internets has people who (somewhat obsessively) watch the bl0gs and social media of all the parties involved and recap everything.

      2. There’s also an article on Jezebel that goes through Alina’s instagram story where she blasts Emily. Just published I think!

        2. Many thanks for directing me to that article. I love watching sh!t like this go down and needed a break from the real news.

      3. And I believe all the dirt is coming from Alina’s Insta stories. I don’t think C&C has said anything on her bl0g or social media beyond the initial announcement.

      4. I follow Alina on Instagram and saw her Insta stories. The reason it is so fascinating to me is because I am in a formal industry (law) and the unwritten rule in most professional industries is that you never speak badly about previous employers no matter how toxic it was, and she is blowing the lid off that rule. It is equally refreshing and horrifying.

    5. Cupcakes and Cashmere is my #1 hate read. God that woman is vapid. I’m enjoying this downfall so much.

      1. +1

        I’ve been trying to stop reading it altogether (WHY do I put myself through the angst, plus it gives her more “views”) but this is too good to miss.

    6. Okay I don’t read C&C but now I’m super fascinated. (Love me some good blog drama.) Could someone please summarize who the major players are here? I’m gathering from GOMI that there’s a “Cuppy,” a Leslie, an Alina and an Emily?

      1. Cuppy/Emily = 34yo Emily Schuman, blog founder. You can come up with your own opinion of her and her content, but I’m not impressed with either. She is also very quick to censor her comments – say anything negative (even phrased politely) and you will be blocked.

        GEE = 42yo Geoffrey Fuller, Emily’s husband and works full time on the blog. Based on his contributions to the blog, he seems to have a rather high opinion of himself. E.g., he criticizes people who like their coffee brewed at the “wrong” temperature.

        Sloan = Emily and Geoffrey’s 2yo daughter. Frequently portrayed as an inconvenience by Emily; GEE seems to be by far the more involved parent. Emily will often throw up pictures of Sloan to distract from previous poor content.

        Alina = 31yo editorial director hired about a year and a half ago and unceremoniously sh!tcanned a few months ago, on the heels of Cuppy’s disastrous (due to her own inability to explore another culture) trip to Japan with GEE. The given reason was that Alina worked from home some of the time while Cuppy was away, which had previously been discouraged by Cuppy.

        Leslie = 24yo editor, brought on about a year ago IIRC. She was a rabid fangirl who moved cross country for the job. She told Cuppy about Alina’s lax adherence to the “be in the office” rule.

    7. Yes! I have been fascinated. I’ve met Alina IRL before she moved to LA and she was wonderful.

      C&C should’ve made her sign an NDA.

  7. Home workout advice needed. I haven’t exercised in a couple years.

    I will be doing it in my living room, have light weights, mats, resistance bands, and an exercise ball. I have some experience using weights from previously using a personal trainer, but not recently. I have some wrist and elbow issues that I know how to work with, but exercises with tons of planking or hands-and-knees work will not be ideal.

    I’m looking for getting cardio and/or weight training and would like to watch a video that’s online or a DVD or on youtube that will get me a quality-ish workout in less than 30 minutes. I’m not trying to lose weight, just get in better physical and mental health. Not open to MLM suggestions, which a friend of mine is doing.

      1. +1. The best for this type of thing (fast, but effective strength and cardio)

        1. I like her arm videos – I usually pick new ones for variety because she has a ton. I’ll mix an arm with a leg/butt/hip video and an ab video for good measure.

          I also do this guy’s ab video a lot, as in I’ve done it hundreds of times. It’s very effective for only being 10 minutes long: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3320EhbImLY

    3. Fitnessblender (they always show modifications) – my personal fave, Popsugar fitness, yoga with adrienne (if you like yoga), Grokker

      1. Thank you and I do like yoga too! I’m pretty out of touch – are these categories of sources? Are there specific workout videos you like in these sources?

        1. These are youtube channels and honestly most of what is on those specific channels is pretty good! Fitnessblender has a website as well where you can search by workout type / intensity / equipment required.

          Also for like $10 fitnessblender sells programs where they will send you a calendar of 4/8 weeks of workouts to do in which order to meet your specific goals.

          My personal faves for what it sounds like you are wanting to do
          -Cardio routines (kickboxing etc) from Popsugar fitness
          -Fitnessblender’s bored easily workouts (they have a 25 minute “bored easily” hiit and a bored easily cardio routine which are excellent when you want to do nothing but need to workout)
          – 15 – 30 minute HIIT workouts / total body workouts from Fitnessblender

          https://www.fitnessblender.com/videos/hiit-cardio-and-abs-workout-no-equipment-hiit-and-abs-low-impact-mods
          https://www.fitnessblender.com/videos/fat-burning-hiit-workout-hiit-cardio-with-warm-up-with-low-impact-modifications
          https://www.fitnessblender.com/videos/fat-burning-hiit-workout-with-warm-up-cardio
          https://www.fitnessblender.com/videos/fat-burning-hiit-workout-bodyweight-hiit-cardio-workout-with-low-impact-modifications
          https://www.fitnessblender.com/videos/fat-blasting-booty-builder-hiit-cardio-and-strength-training-workout
          https://www.fitnessblender.com/videos/brutal-fat-burning-cardio-hiit-dynamic-total-body-strength-training-fb-blend
          https://www.fitnessblender.com/videos/butt-and-thigh-workout-with-fat-burning-hiit-cardio-legs-on-fire

          They also have a free five day “challenge for busy people” where all the workouts are around 30 minutes each day.

        3. Fitness Blender is a YouTube channel. They have hundreds of videos. I spent some time watching some of them to see what I liked. I created playlists for cardio, strength, abs, etc and added videos I liked to each category. On each of their videos there is a link to their website which provides more detailed info about the workout. They also sell programs on their webiste for nominal prices. I haven’t tried that yet.

          Popsugar Fitness is also on YouTube. Sometimes, I’ll do a cardio warm up video from Fitness Blender before doing a cardio workout from Popsugar.

          Yoga with Adriene is also a YouTube channel. I’ve just done a few workouts from there, but they are pretty good.

    4. There’s the Bikini Body Guide by Kayla Itstines. I googled it after researching the hashtag (#bbg) and it brought up a bootleg copy. Not a dvd, but a booklet of exercises.

      Jillian Michael’s old 30-day shred is good.

    5. Fitnessblender. They have a zillion videos and they’re free and extremely accessible to all fitness levels. Also their website is highly functional; the videos are all tagged and easily searchable.

    6. Barre3 has online videos! You have to subscribe, but if you have a Barre3 studio in your area (and would go to classes) you can become a studio member and get free access to the vids. They’re all about modifying to fit your individual body’s needs and/or limitations. It’s a very well-rounded workout that uses yoga, Pilates and a ballet barre, but at home I’ve used the oven door handle/dishwasher handle or my bathroom sink/counter as a pseudo-barre and it’s been fine.

    7. I have a set of dumbbells that my ex left in my apartement. It is the best thing I have left over from him. I excercise every day useing the dumbbells. Myrna even thought they are great dumbbells. I recomened that people all get a few dumbbells and try them out.

  8. Help planning a long weekend in mid-November? It’s our five year anniversary and I should be able to get my mom to watch the kid for three nights. We’re coming from ny and don’t mind driving or a short flight. We’ve recently done Austin,Charleston and savannah but would love to explore another city. Thinking good food, a little history and better than ny weather. Thanks!

    1. Nashville! Biased because I live here but seriously… a great long weekend destination with tons of good food. Cheap-ish flights from NY.

      2. Totally agree! SUCH a fun city and so much delicious food. Weather has been glorious too!

        1. +2 I adore NOLA! Great food, great people, can be inexpensive (can also be luxe), walkable, nice weather in the fall/winter. I should schedule us a trip there in Nov too…

      3. Yes, you should all come visit me. ;) But seriously, it is a really good time of year, although the temps can be very up and down.

    3. Asheville, NC is also really nice that time of year and has lots of B & Bs, craft breweries, cute shopping, and hiking.

      1. Not sure where you’re coming from, but if going to Asheville, fly in to CLT instead and spend a night here and drive around a bit. It’s not the hippest city (but underrated, IMO). But you are at the age there a lot of New Yorkers (and DC and West Coast people) move here. Stay uptown. Watch the tailgate scene. Drive through a leafy neighborhood. Then see how easy it is to get to Asheville, Charleston, etc. from here.

      2. Thanks for the Intel! We actually did Asheville a few years ago. I love how you love clt.

    4. Columbus! Huge foodie area, some of the top zoos/gardens/sports/walking areas in the nation, affordable, has an airport, and has a huge brewery/coffee scene now if you’re into either.

      1. The weather will be worse than NY though. And the food scene is decent, but doesn’t compare to NOLA/Nashville/Charleston/Austin/Asheville.

  9. Posted this on the mom’s site and got a lot of thoughtful responses – posting here for any more insight.

    How did you decide when to try for kids? I want kids, but also don’t think I will wake up one day and think “I need a baby now!” I am 29, and many friends and colleagues are having their first kids, but I always feel like there is a compelling reason to wait (first I was in grad school, then we paid off loans, now husband is completing residency and will go on to fellowship). Realistically there will always be a reason to wait, so I need to start thinking about…when to stop waiting.

    1. There is never a perfect time so if you definitely want kids, and now is an okay time, I would just start trying now. You never know how long it will take. FWIW, I had an oopsie-baby a few years before we ‘planned’ to try (for financial reasons) and everything has worked out fine. In fact, I’m so glad she came when she did because it took away all of the anxiety from deciding whether we were ready.

    2. We just basically decided it was time and we had to go for it. I’m not a baby person and never had “baby fever” but I want the experience of raising children and definitely want to have adult children.

      We’re the same age and we objectively weren’t financially and logistically ready until 30. Then at 30 I was stuck in a miserable job that was spilling over and wrecking every part of my life so I didn’t have the emotional wherewithal for anything except getting through the day. Last summer (at 31) I got a wonderful new job and at that point we were completely ready on paper- finances in good shape, two stable non-toxic jobs, owned a home – and at that point it became a matter of when we do we go for it? We decided to wait the better part of a year so I could establish a good reputation at my new job, take a couple of big bucket list vacations and then just go for it. We started trying in the spring and were super super lucky and got pregnant the first cycle. I’m over the moon excited but I still don’t think I have “baby fever” in the sense that I don’t get all gaga for babies I see in the street. I still get more excited about random dogs than random babies lol.

    3. When you can afford the costs (not just the diapers and things but medical things, a bigger home so there’s room for the baby, heating/air of that larger space, etc), when your relationship is strong and stable, when you have the time to give, when you’re ready and excited to give up the benefits of DINK life and find the benefits of parenting to be worth the sacrifices, and when you’re doing it because you feel ready as a couple, regardless of what voices outside the relationship say or are doing.

      1. Thank you for this response. We just started TTC (thank you internet anonymity!), and your comment validates and summarizes our position.

    4. I read the thread in the moms post – you got a lot of great responses there, some of which I will repeat. I don’t think there is ever going to be a perfect time to have kids. Some (or many) things will not go as planned, but you will deal. I also think that letting go of some control will serve you well as a parent, because this new little human will most likely not end up how you expect but that is ok! As a type A overachiever, planner, I have found this to be the hardest part of parenting to deal with – i.e. that trying to be “perfect” is actually counter to what will make me a good parent.

      If you picture your future life with kids, then I’d say go for it now. You are likely in a better position than most parents (married, have money, have some stability), if that makes you feel better. Also, I don’t think you need to feel any sort of “baby fever.” Kids are not babies/toddlers forever. I love my toddler but he is exhausting!

    5. I always knew I wanted kids but never had baby fever. One day, shortly after we were married, I woke up and realized my husband would be 33 when we had our first kid, which is not too old but about what we had imagined, so we had the talk and started trying pretty much immediately. No blinding flash of light, but a moment when we talked it over and it seemed to make more sense to do it then than to wait for later. We we wanted kids to be part of our young(ish) adult lives, even though (or because?) it makes these years pretty crazy, rather than waiting for them to be a cherry on top as we approach middle age and more stability in our careers. As others have said, it will probably never “make sense” in terms of your career. I was about to be a first year associate, so some might say this wasn’t the smartest choice, but I wouldn’t change it.

    6. We have been trying for four years now, unsuccessfully. I have done two rounds of IUI. We are both 31 and in decent shape: I have been told there is no reason we should not be able to get pregnant. We waited until we were 27 to start trying, so Hubs could finish law school. I don’t regret this or think it is a factor: this was just our timeline. When we started trying, I was kind of “meh” about wanting to be a parent, but we have both always wanted kids. I went from “meh” to “omg I want a baby now” to “I can’t look at anyone’s baby” to “I may never have a baby and that’s ok…most days.” I guess my point is: this isn’t something you can control. It’s good that you’re thinking about it. It could be a long journey. I hope that it isn’t. Good luck!

  10. Anyone want to help me pick a dress for a black tie gala on Tuesday in DC? I own a dress that I could wear but I’m afraid it isn’t formal enough but then it is DC during the week. It looks a lot like this, except the one I have is mid-calf length. It’s in a metallic print. https://www.renttherunway.com/shop/designers/marchesa_notte/metallic_floral_cocktail_dress

    Does that work, or should I go for a dress from Rent the Runway? I looked and the pictures from last year are just the awardees and that didn’t really help that much. I’m thinking about these:

    https://www.renttherunway.com/shop/designers/jill_jill_stuart/sapphire_sweetheart_gown

    https://www.renttherunway.com/shop/designers/ml_monique_lhuillier/calla_lily_gown

    https://www.renttherunway.com/shop/designers/jill_jill_stuart/side_part_gown

    https://www.renttherunway.com/shop/designers/parker/black_paxon_gown

    1. The Parker gown is stunning. Mid-calf floral doesn’t seem formal enough to me for a black tie event. You could also check out the Lord and Taylor in Friendship Heights. They have a great selection of formal dresses.

  11. I would appreciate the Hive’s thoughts (and hopefully validation of my first impulse). One of my dearest friends asked me to be a bridesmaid at her wedding next year. She is first generation Indian-American. We all got together and had a great time looking at pictures of saris. It is clear she expects all of us to wear one (her family’s treat). She is also looking at matching tikkas, which is not something I had every heard of. She also wants us to come to a party to have our hands and feet painted before the wedding.

    My general response to everything is “that is beautiful” and “oh that is pretty too”. Frankly I just want her to be happy and she is a wonderful person who are not asking for anything outrageous. My only concern is that I mentioned all of this to a co-worker who started ranting about cultural appropriation and how inappropriate this all is.

    My inclination is to ignore the co-worker who has no stake in any of this, but it did start making me doubt myself. I just want to be a good bridesmaid and make my friend happy and would wear ashes and sackcloth if she wanted (or a hideous pink dress with ruffles and a big bow over my tush). Having said that, I am a white, middle class woman from the suburbs and don’t really understand the whole cultural appropriate thing and I really don’t want to be insensitive.

    Thoughts?

    1. If your friend wants you to wear a sari, it’s fine. It’s HER wedding and HER culture, so if she had an appropriation issue, I don’t think she would have offered to buy y’all saris. I would think of it more like honoring her culture and traditions, kind of how non-Jewish men still wear yarmulkes at Jewish weddings. I am also a white woman, went to India for a wedding and stressed about this, but the family and friends of the couple were so pleased that we wanted to experience their culture. If it’s bride-approved, you are totally totally fine.

      Appropriation would be you, as a white woman with no ties to the culture, showing up in a sari at work on a random Tuesday just because.

      1. Yes to all of the above. It is not cultural appropriation to wear a sari when you are a bridesmaid in an Indian wedding. Please do not spend another second worrying about this.

    2. You are 100 percent ok. This would be a problem if the bride was white and wanted to do it for funsies.

    4. Is there any possible chance that your coworker failed to realize that the bride is Indian(-American)? A misunderstanding like that is about the only way to explain the cultural appropriation charge.

      Enjoy participating in your lovely friend’s lovely wedding!!

    5. I wore a sari in a friend’s wedding at her request and had a great time. The mehndi (hand painting) was also a lot of fun.

      1. Thanks everyone!! I kept thinking that my friend is Indian, her husband-to-be, parents, grandparents and future in-laws are Indian so surely they would know if it was offensive, but I appreciate the validation.

        And yes, my coworker does know if my friend’s family is from India. I specifically mentioned that her grandparents, who lived there, are having the saris made. She just tends to be a bit vigilant on the issue.

        I am just going to relax and enjoy it all. They are both such wonderful people, with lovely families, and I am so looking forward to it.

        1. “She just tends to be a bit vigilant on the issue.”

          These kinds of people are just exhausting to be around. Agree with the above advice to ignore your coworker.

        2. She’s not vigilant, she’s ignorant. It’s not cultural appropriation period. I’m Indian and I can’t tell you how many weddings I’ve been to with non-Indian bridesmaids dressed in saris, groomsmen in sherwanis, participating in Indian dances, etc. etc. You’re part of the wedding party, respecting the bride’s wishes and honoring her culture. As others have said, the couple and their family will be touched and appreciative at your openly embracing the cultural aspects of the celebration (in a way they have ASKED you to).

          Now, if you barely knew the bride (say you were the plus one of a wedding guest) and wanted to show up in a sari, that might be an interesting hypothetical.

    6. I am Indian and please wear the Indian stuff unless you have an issue.

      How is this ANY kind of appropriation? And FWIW, this concept is a very US centric one. The rest of the world has no idea what you mean by it.

      Enjoy the day!

    7. On the Pod Save the People podcast recently, DeRay McKesson interviewed Katy Perry, and they had an interesting discussion with DeRay explaining the difference between cultural appropriation and cultural appreciation. Interesting listen, and I think this situation fully falls within the latter.

  12. I’ve read a lot of bad things that happened to people here and some very bad things have happened to me. For me, one particularly awful thing threw me for a loop 100% at first, and gradually released its grip over probably a season. I had some lingering anger issues that it may have a couple of years to fully let go of (it wasn’t a full boil every day, more like I’d get short-term stabby on an episodic basis).

    For those of you who have bounced back, do you think it was a conscious choice? In part?

    For me, letting go of the anger issues (that were fading) was literally reading that bitterness is like drinking poison and hoping that the other person dies. I saw how it wasn’t helping, wasn’t cathartic, and was just toxic. It was like the skies cleared.

    But I can also see how there are some things you can never get past. Does it come down to wiring and (in my case, in one instance) a bit of luck in happening upon the right thing at the right time?

    Wondering for a family member who is in a tailspin over something that is righfully upset-worthy, but would be tragic if it was the sort of cloud that she can’t escape from.

    1. I don’t think one “gets past” things. Nor do I think people just “bounce back.” I do think you can work through things and heal from them. Forgiveness helps. As does gratitude. And faith.

    2. There was an article in the NY Times about a man who runs a small hospice in a house in San Francisco. I wish I could remember the man’s name, but the article explains that he experienced a tragic accident that took both of his legs. He had the most resilient spirit and now dedicates his life to helping others with their suffering. What stood out to me was something he said, and I’m paraphrasing– we are raised to believe that suffering is a break from what’s normal, when actually, to suffer is what is normal.

      For a few years in a row I had bad things happen to me. Some of them are still ongoing. For a while I literally felt like a cockroach crawling through the muck. Friends would ask how I was doing, and I literally didn’t have one positive thing to say about my life. Many avoided me, some are gone for good, and I can”t really blame them. I read that quote about how suffering is the norm and that helped me get through. I continued to take it one day at a time and eventually some things improved. But I am forever altered, in my outlook, in my expectations, in my fears. I don’t expect that will ever change. But time has allowed me to see the smallest sliver of silver linings from even the worst of what I experienced.

      I’ve written that quote about resentment being like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die on these very boards before. I could be resentful because most people will never go through some of the things I have, but where will that get me?

  13. Do some stains come out after repeat dry cleaning? I sent my ecru jardigan to the dry cleaner with a few stains, and they didn’t come all the way out. Probably enough that they’re not super visible and I’ll keep wearing, but I’m disappointed as I spent nearly $200 on it and only wore it 3 times. It probably didn’t help that I tried to spot clean with water and a gentle soap, which I thought the label said was okay, but I’m apparently mistaken.

    Anyway, do old stains come out after being dry cleaned enough times? or will they fade?

    1. I’d just like to throw out that I’m wearing a dress for the fourth time ever… and just spilled salad vinaigrette all over it. I feel silly, and I’m keeping my fingers crossed re: dry cleaning success!

      1. I think it was makeup. I think the issue was from my attempt at spot treating. the outline of the wet spot is still sort of there.

        1. If it’s a dried wet spot, i would wet wash the whole thing. I mean nothing else has worked, so what do you have to lose?

          1. This approach – it’s already ruined, so let me try to wash it – has helped me save many garments. I washed a cocktail dress that had an oily stain on it that the cleaners couldn’t get out, and the stain came out in the wash. Obviously, it may not work in every situation. But for anything but lined wool I would give it a shot.

  14. Anyone have the KitchenAid Mini? My Classic doesn’t fit on my counter so I just don’t use it, while I used to use it weekly in a place that had space. My kitchen is pretty big but storage space is at a minimum, but if it’s not useful, there’s no point in buying it. I’m mostly worried about it being powerful enough, not worried about the volume.

    1. My mom has one and she likes it, but I’m not sure how much power you need. She mostly makes cake batter and cookie dough with it, although she did use it to smash sweet potatoes for a pie filling recently. She loves it because she hates how big the classic is.

  15. Are blue socks with blue jeans and black casual t-strap shoes okay or not? I’ve done this accidentally, 2 days in a row now, which is silly, since I only own two pair of blue socks anyway, but I feel pretty silly. The socks match my medium wash jeans, they clearly aren’t navy but still…
    Am I just super dorky this week?

      1. I’ve been making an effort this week too! At least the socks match each other, if not the rest of the outfit :).

      1. Yep, it’s the socks with t-straps that is a bigger problem than the color of the socks.

        2. Agree. Blue tights might work, but not socks.

          My 2 year old wanted to rock keens with socks the other day. Apparently I’m raising a future nerd. Nerds rule the world, right?

          1. I prefer it that way. I want to love and wear my Keens all the time (got a pair for my husband, he won’t wear anything else if he can help it now) but they rub my feet awkwardly and I’m not willing to invest the barefoot time in them to really see if they’ll break in.

      2. +1. Socks are only appropriate under running/athletic shoes and boots. Full stop.

      3. In defense of my socks, A) they’re clunky Clarks that don’t reveal much, not anything delicate or stylish, and B) I live in sandals with socks country :). But I’m also genuinely baffled–how do people go sockless without sweat and odour problems?

        1. I love socks and wear them with all sorts of crazy footwear (crocks! birkenstock arizonas!) at home, but it is so not a good look.

        2. If you MUST, wear a nude to your skintone knee-high sock that’s like pantyhose material. But generally the only shoes I wear socks with are boots and running shoes. It’s kind of weird otherwise. If your shoes are genuine leather, you shouldn’t have problems with sweating or odour.

        4. And they make very-low-profile socks that don’t show. I know Converse makes them specifically to go with Chuck Taylors, for example.

        5. If you’re worried about odor problems, avoid shoes that consist of manmade materials. Those cheap shoes from Target will get much stinkier than a nice all leather pair will. Maybe your feet are sweaty because you wear socks all the time, which makes them hot?

        6. There are these washable insole-y things that are basically the bottom half of a sock! That’s what I wear.

        7. Dr Scholl’s foot powder sprinkled in your shoe before you put your foot in. Gold bond also makes a foot powder. I can’t wear shoes sockless without it, and I never wear socks (even in winter, yay california)

    3. When did socks become inappropriate with everything except athletic shoes or boots? I mean, I’ve drunk the no-socks Kool-Aid, but it’s weird.

      I totally remember wearing socks with long pants (not ankle pants) and regular shoes way back in the 1990s-early 2000s.

      1. Part of it is the style of shoes has changed since then, but I think mostly it’s that most pairs of shoes look better without socks (at least on women). And the advent of socks that don’t show at all has been a game changer.

      2. I think it might be with the emphasis on “it’s all about the shoes,” which also led to “crop the pants so the shoes are highlighted” and “but don’t wear socks and ruin the look.”

      3. I know, when I was a kid (1990s) I definitely wore socks with my shoes, but apparently that is so out now. Secondary question: why do stores still sell fun socks?

        1. Because boots exist and knowing I’m wearing socks that say “I hate everyone” improves my day immensely.

        2. Because life is too short to wear boring socks. :)

          (Says she who owns absolutely no “normal” socks.)

      4. If I’m wearing black suit pants and black high heel pumps, I wear thin black socks (like pantyhose material). Is that weird?

        1. It’s not weird or inappropriate or anything, but I’d say you’d probably look more stylish without them, if that’s important to you.

  16. Ah! I just finished my first conference that I planned and led and when someone fairly high up the food chain in the state opened it for us yesterday she corrected my introduction from “first” to “first annual”! I’m doing an obnoxious “I did it” dance and tune in my head right now!

  18. PSA to the sahms in my school district. Maybe think twice about posting that you’re “in jail” now that school has let out for the summer. Especially when you want us to agree that you’re so put-upon during the school year.

    1. I am more in jail than they are.

      I lose at least an hour a day driving to various camps throughout my city. Not all of them are working-mother friendly (9-4? not so helpful). Traffic is awful and unpredictable, so I waste even more time planning not to be late.

      And for my kids, they are old enough to know that their friends are lazing around all day, still in PJs (at least this week), while they are not.

      And don’t get me started on the cost: I went to law school for a year for less than my summer camp / extra babysitter time / workers comp for said sitter bill.

    3. You know how your eyes sometimes play tricks on you? Like you read letters that are missing from words, or create your own pronunciations for things in your head. More accurately, I guess, isn’t to say that your eyes are playing tricks on you, but the way your brain processes what you are reading can be off.

      Every time i see the acronym SAHM, I read it as “SHAM.” Every time.

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