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Updated: Oct 30, 2018 219 Comments · by

Coffee Break: Barkly Trench Coat

Coffee Break

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It's springtime — yay! — and I'm excited about spring coats. They've got a lot of really lovely ones right now, and I especially like this parchment pink coat from BB Dakota, in part because it's really affordable. (Some of the more expensive ones are gorgeous, including this Club Monaco trench.) The pictured coat is hand wash or dry clean, and the fabric is lyocell, which is really lightweight and has a nice feel. This seems like the perfect drapey, lightweight trench coat for spring. It's $155 at Shopbop in sizes XS-L. BB Dakota Barkly Trench Coat Here's a more affordable version; it's only $83. This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!

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Comments

  1. can the ex and the ex's ex be friends?

    Can a guy’s ex and the gal he cheated on the ex with ever be friends? Is there any benefit in their communicating? A friend dated a guy for 3 yrs and found out about a year into it that he hadn’t left his ex before he started with her. Friend was already a year in and loved him so she stayed. Now that she is out of that relationship, she’s feeling super awful about the guy’s ex and, though she didn’t owe the woman anything or even know about her, that the situation happened. She’s wondering whether reaching out to apologize for being a part of something that hurt this woman makes sense or if it’s selfish to bother the woman.

    • Anonymous

      Let her be. This seems like something friend would only be doing to assuage her own guilt, not out of kindness to the other woman.

    • ...

      I had a friend who had a similar situation and the worst part (in some ways) was that the ex’s ex sounded like a cool person who worked in a similar field and had similar interests (I guess their shared ex had a type!). It sucked that this person could have been a friend or a professional connection, but the thought was that it might just drag up painful memories for both.

      I wonder if there are mutual friends in common (maybe both women made friends with the ex’s friends or something) that could be a better guide, since they’d know her?

    • Another anonymous

      Absolutely not. Maybe in tv shows, but there is nothing good that can come from this in real life.

        • Never too many shoes...

          I am unashamed to say that I LOVE that movie so hard. I constantly say “cry on the inside, like a winner” at work.

      • OP

        7 yr girlfriend, never lived together. Friend was told they’d broken up and were friends when she and the guy began. She found out a year later that he hadn’t ended the long relationship til after he’d been with friend for 6+ months, then she found out after that that he’d had someone else on the side 6 months before he met her. (so he was 6 yrs in with 1 woman, met someone and began an affair for 6 months, met my friend, dated her 6 mos before ending the long relationship). Essentially, guy screwed over 3 people in this one. Friend has heard such nice things about the long-time ex and has felt so bad for her part in things (even though she was unaware at the time), but isn’t sure if they’re in the same boat or if she’d be a jerk to reach out.

        • Anon for this

          Yikes this is such a horrible situation. While he did screw over all 3 of them, the one he screwed over the most was the 7 year girlfriend. I’m sure the 7 year girlfriend has her own support system and talking to your friend will likely make things way worse. She should NOT reach out.

    • Anon

      The woman my ex cheated on me with made a deeply misguided attempt to become my confidant/shoulder to cry on. The experience was as, if not more, traumatizing than the actual relationship with my ex. 100% would not recommend.

      • Anonymous

        I am so sorry. I haven’t been in the situation of being cheated on (to my knowledge) but this just boils my blood. I can’t understand why someone would think that would be OK or why someone would be so selfish to do that to another person. It doesn’t matter if the person cheating is in a relationship or cheating with someone who is in a relationship; either way, that is vile.

    • Daria

      Yes I think it’s possible for an ex and ex’s ex to be friends, but I don’t think reaching out is a good idea at all.

  2. transitioning decor

    The conversation about decorating the other day led me to wonder… how do you differentiate a starter rental apartment (like a young adult’s place fresh out of college) from a rental place where an established adult lives? How would a person transition their space from the former to the latter on the standard budget of a young adult who is just past graduation and not earning much money?

    • Anonymous

      buy things that match? my apartment actually looked more like a frat house when I was in law school than my first apartment out of college did because in moving across the country I sold my matching bedroom set and sofa and just picked up random pieces that family members were giving away. My requirement going forward is only furniture that was already put together (or at least doesn’t look like I put it together myself while drinking).

    • Anonymous

      I think finding furniture that actually goes together, instead of whatever is cheapest on craigslist. E.g., furniture that is all the same color, or end tables that match the coffee table. Sets of things. Also, I think curtains and throw pillows and a couch blanket are more “adult” than what I would expect in a young adult’s apartment. But, interested in others’ replies too.

      • Anonymous

        I actually feel the nearly opposite – totally mismatched furniture definitely says “college student” like you imply but very matched furniture that looks like a set tends toward looking less sophisticated. I would say the best way to go about it is to establish a look (bohemian? SoHo loft? Cape Cod beach house?) and then work toward that look. Decorating with intention, as opposed to just buying to fill a room seems to make for the best overall feel.

        • Anon

          Furniture sets that are entirely matching definitely read as playing grown up to me.

    • H

      Personally, I think this is just something that happens with time. At some point you realize you want your stuff to go together and that you do have a style you like that you wish to cultivate. And at some point, you have more money to spend on that stuff.

      I’ve been thinking about something similar recently. I’m in my early 30s and bought a house 3 years ago. I’m still trying to figure out decor and furniture for it. I read these blogs and am really envious of the beautiful and put together homes. Then it occurred to me that the bloggers I read are a good 7-10 years older than me and have had more time to figure it out (well, and they really are more talented). That made me feel much better.

    • Meg March

      Adding pieces that aren’t the main furniture. Table lamps, throws, curtains all are more “adult.” As is hanging art on the wall in frames.

      Also, cleanliness and a non-saggy couch both help, I think.

    • Sloan Sabbith

      I think of it like I do my closet: capsules.

      Living room? Birch, white, and grey with burgundy and pink accents.
      Bedroom? Birch, white, and pink/coral with black and yellow accents.
      Bathroom? White and coral with brown accents (my towels. I love the towels and hate the color).

      Framed prints. Photos. Pillows. Candles. Small displays of items with meaning. Real bookshelves. Places for things. Lamps. Areas for things- dining area. Dressing area. Living room area. Office area, etc. Rugs, although I don’t have any right now because I’ve always ended up hating them.

      • Sloan Sabbith

        Also: I save everything I like on Pinterest, and it’s very clear that I have a style. Light colors with pops of brights. Very feminine but not in a shabby chic way. Simple lines. And I try to emulate that.

        I love the color palettes you can find on Pinterest. Such good ideas for colors that complement each other.

    • Rainbow Hair

      I think it’s definitely about finding your style. As others have said, first/college apartments often look like “this is the cheapest sofa I could find” because, indeed, it was. But when you have a bit more time/energy/money to devote to furnishing, you can have a sofa that you picked because you like it. I think owning your taste and letting it lead will take you far!

      • Anonymous

        How do you find your style? My problem is that I am so easily influenced by location and the building I’m in. For instance, if I had a bungalow, I would probably do all Craftsman (or modern takes on that style). If I had a 1960’s ranch, I would probably do some version of Danish modern (although not as skinny and pointy…and yellow). Since I haven’t bought my own place, I currently have largely generic furniture (Pottery Barn), and I hate myself a little bit for being so basic.

        • Rainbow Hair

          Well, I was lucky to live on the north side of Chicago, with amazing thrift/vintage/antique stores, so I browsed until I saw things that ~called to me~ and then noticed how they fit together.

          I do have to compromise with a husband who likes things to be a bit more big and sturdy (is there such thing as brutalist furniture?) than I do, but we agree on hard edges, shiny medium-dark wood, minimal ornament, and warm, (mostly) muted colors.

          As much as you’re saying you’d be influenced by the house itself, there’s a lot I’m *not* hearing from you: lots pf ornamentation, shabby-chic, anything beachy, anything high femme, anything hippie-dippy, etc. And the Craftsman and Danish Modern stuff share a lot in my mind: those dominant horizontal lines held up by lighter-seeming, skinnier verticals, lots of pretty shiny wood, muted colors… And also! I don’t think that a person’s individual style is necessarily going to fall neatly into a category, like “Modernism.” It’s just going to be “[whomever]’s style.”

          Maybe you should pinterest around a bit and see what patterns you find in what you pin?

        • Anonymous

          Rainbow Hair,

          I say this with complete sincerity and awe — you need to be an interior decorater/designer. Your last couple of posts on this topic have been amazing. I pay attention to this stuff and I think I get it, but your understanding/intuition is at another level. It’s freaky good. Please do this work and post a link to your website and I think a lot of us would pay you to do this.

          But in the meantime, thank you for pointing this out. Still SMH that I didn’t see this before now.

        • AZCPA

          I think it is important to be influenced by your space. Where I live, nearly all the houses are stucco exteriors and frequently have hacienda style features (salitillo tile, exposed rustic wood beams). If you tried to turn a home like that into a Tuscan villa, it would just look silly. My style in my new house is very different than in my last place because the space itself is so different.

          You can always add touches to your more basic furniture that speak to you. Art, pillows, small accent furniture that’s more in your style (I’m thinking wine rack or bar, a cool side chair, etc).

          • Anon

            Totally agree with this. I live in a neighborhood built from 1909-1920. The homes are all craftsman or craftsman influenced. One of my neighbors got super into mid century design and tried to redecorate her home that way. She totally wrecked it, taking down beautiful original wainscoting because it wasn’t midcentury. She needed to just live in a different house if that was so important to her. It didn’t work. It looked like a fish out of water.

            I’m all about green velvet, Tiffany shades, brown leather. It’s works here. I’d be a fool to try any other style.

  3. a PSA if a loved one is experiencing loss

    Often, when a loss happens (death, breakup, sudden unemployment, etc.), lots of people come out in support right away. But over time, everyone returns to their regular lives and the person struggling is just…struggling. If you know someone in this position or who has had a loss 3 or 6 months ago (or longer if it’s the death of a relative or maybe even a pet), please consider reaching out. You don’t necessarily have to say anything specific, just know that the person might still be struggling but may now feel stupid for not healing quicker or petty for asking for support for something that happened months prior. Sometimes knowing they have support and reassuring them that they’re grief is natural and okay (or encouraging them to seek professional help if it’s extreme grief) can make all the difference.

    • Never too many shoes...

      This makes such a difference. There is such a buzz of activity in the first part and then everyone just gets back to their lives, apart from the person with the loss. The friends who checked in a few months or more after my Dad and Gran (who I lived with growing up) died really helped a lot – just knowing that they remembered my hurt was deeply meaningful and healing.

    • Anonymous

      My parents lost my sibling when my sibling was <1 year old. 30 years later, their neighbor at the time still sends my parents flowers each year on my sibling's birthday. I've always taken a cue from that – when my friends lose loved ones (e.g., parents, close friend), I set an annual alert on my calendar and send a card each year on the anniversary of the death. I think it's important to acknowledge that grief never goes away, although it's symptoms change.

    • Senior Attorney

      Thanks for this. I’ll be seeing someone this afternoon with whom I can put it into practice.

    • In the mood (for reaching out)

      Thank you. I just reached out to a famliy friend who lost her sister recently. Just to say hi and I am here for you. Thank you again!

    • lawsuited

      + 1 After my good friend’s dad passed away, I arranged a standing date to see her the first Tuesday of every month for a year. I’d heard that the first year after the death of an immediate family member is the hardest and I wanted to help see her through it. It took no effort at all once we’d arranged the standing date.

    • Monte

      You really have to know the person and read their signals to know if this is a good idea, and be able to back off if the signals are not positive. I see this recommended all the time, but for so many people, this just heaps on the pain. Reach out, but leave it easy for that person to ignore/postpone. Not everyone grieves in the same way, and reaching out to people periodically just forces them to address their grief on your/everyone else’s schedule.

      I knew people meant well, but this periodic check-in made dealing with the loss of our parents exponentially harder, when we felt like we were processing things well on our own or with our siblings. And as extended friends learned about our losses over time, it felt like the sympathy train never ended. It then becomes so hard to adjust to the new normal when constantly reminded by others about the past. Way more painful than I would have anticipated…

      • ...

        This didn’t seem to mean “call every week and ask how their grief is going” but more of a “pay extra attention or make an extra effort to let your friend know that you are there for them” in a more general way. In other words, getting together more often to hang out; it doesn’t have to be at all talked about the grief, just a more regular hang during a time when someone is struggling or finding a new normal. If they want to talk about the grief, they have you there more often, if not, they have a positive aspect of their new normal in their life.

  4. favorite item in your home

    So much decorating talk lately! I’m super curious, what’s your favorite item in your home? (please give us a link too, if it’s still available)

    • LadyB

      My favorite item is definitely an old record cabinet that I repurposed into a bar!

    • buffybot

      A painting by an artist that I went to school with – her paintings remind me of home. (Samantha Buller — if you like oil landscapes of CA or still life, take a look at her website!)

      • Senior Attorney

        Love! And now I want her to come and do a portrait of our house…

    • Anonymous

      1. A three panel print of the Carina Nebula (Hubble images are open source, so I went to Shutterfly) https://hubble25th.org/images/10

      2. Cross-stitch pieces my grandmother did, and ones that I did, that I finally got mounted and framed.

        • Anonymous

          I know! They’re open source AND they usually have really high-res files so you can get large prints. Totally can’t take credit for it, since I saw the suggestion on a blog somewhere on the internet. But I implemented it!

      • Senior Attorney

        I saw that in the catalog! I don’t have room for it so I’m happy to know somebody I “know” has one!

        • AZCPA

          It is an amazing piece! I ended up with round nesting coffee tables and tons of exposed metal throughout the place, and it was a magical completer item.

    • Anonymous

      My great-grandmother’s dresser, which is beautiful burl wood and has a marble top. Unfortunately it has a flood water line on it, but I intend to get it refinished in a few years. It is very special.

    • Senior Attorney

      I had to leave him behind when I moved in with Lovely Husband, but I thought Parker (my lime green velvet sofa) and I would be living together forever: http://www.horchow.com/Parker-Sofa/cprod105600007/p.prod?ecid=HCAF__Meredith+E-Commerce+Shops

      Of the things that came with me, I’d say my antique Chinese rug with the five dragons. It was in my dining room for years and now it’s in the Woman Cave. Quite similar to this one in design: https://dingo.gallery/product/large-chinese-silk-dragon-rug-9-ft-7-in-by-6-ft-1-in/ but the color scheme is the same as this one: http://www.ebay.com/itm/Ci-1970s-MINT-ART-DECO-CHINESE-DRAGON-DESIGN-OVAL-RUG-3-2×5-COMFORTING-SOFT-WOOL-/351982230451?hash=item51f3c69bb3:g:TlgAAOSwfVpYo1nF

    • Sloan Sabbith

      1. A Hawaiian quilt my grandma made me for high school graduation. I’m about to go get it drycleaned and pay for it because I want it to last as long as possible.
      2. My desk. It’s the Hemnes desk from Ikea with the hutch, and I love it. I would only love it more if it had a secret compartment….

    • LondonLeisureYear

      This is a really hard question I think most of my favorite times are from my trips. Little memories of our adventures. Or heritage items – a quilt made for my grandmother when she graduated highschool from her friends the fabric came from their dresses. My great grandma’s rolling pin. My other grandmother’s apron. Petrified wood that my grandfather collected as a boy.

      I was born in Africa, so I have a collection of baskets that came with me back to the USA as a baby, and have traveled with me to every home to hang on the walls.

      Items that you could buy that are my favorite: TRAYS! Get a tray and instantly a mess becomes organized. My favorite trays come from Furbish, Leah Goren, Rita Konig

      For beautiful kitchen items a shop that not many know about is: quitokeeto

    • Anon

      A brass music stand my dad bought me when I was 16. He surprised me with it because when we first saw it at the flea market he said it was too expensive.

      My 16 year old daughter uses it now. She’s a very good violinist. :)

      • Ck

        Ahhhh…. I’ve always wanted an antique music stand. My mother describes seeing one in an small neighborhood resale shop in Wisconsin years ago and wanting to buy it for me, but reconsidered at the last minute. How I wish she had bought it for me! She is passed away now.

  5. favorite tv show at the time that didn't age well?

    I found an old VHS tape of the tv show “Alf” and decided to seek out an episode on youtube to show my niece, who is the same age I was when the show originally aired. She thought it was boring and I was shocked at how terrible it was! I’ve also noticed that some of the original seasons of the original Law & Order have aged fine except the frustration of watching now means yelling at the tv when they have to find a pay phone or return to HQ for information, since I’m just so used to today’s technology!

    What show(s) did you love that you’ve since realized have aged horribly?

    • Anonymous

      Interesting question.
      I think Friends and Gilmore Girls haven’t aged well in terms of some of the jokes and also the diversity of the casting. Although both of them went off the air within the last decade or so, both shows are pretty shockingly white by the standards of today’s television (especially Friends, which didn’t have a non-white regular cast member) and upon re-watching them I’ve been jarred by some jokes that now come across as kind of racist/homophobic/anti-trans.

      On the other hand, I love the 1980s detective series Remington Steele, which was about a female private eye and all the sexism depicted on that show (sadly) still resonates with me and my friends in male-dominated professions. Some of the more egregious examples seem dated – nobody is pinching our bottoms – but the material about qualified women being passed over for recognition in favor of unqualifed men is something that is painfully current especially since Nov. 8 of last year. Of course since it’s from the 80s, the fashion and technology are hopelessly out of date (car phones were a big deal!), but I find that kind of charming.

      • anon

        I agree about the jokes on Friends having racist/homophobic/anti-trans/sizeist undertones. Cringeworthy for sure.

        But I have a question regarding the whiteness of the casting. Isn’t it believable that a group of slightly bland, upper-middle class NYC twentysomethings in the ’90s would have an all-white immediate friend crew? Same goes for Gilmore Girls. Towns like Stars Hollow do exist in New England, and they are very, very white.

        Even today, I don’t think it’s that far out of left field to suggest that there are small groups of friends who hang out that happen to be all white. I’m not saying it’s a good thing that these groups are somewhat self-segregating… but I do think it reflects reality for those particular groups at that time.

        • Anonymous

          I just posted below about this. I am white, but I grew up in a town that was majority Hispanic/Latino and Friends flummoxed me. Where are the brown people? How can you have a group of friends, and their friends and family, and the people around them and everyone is white? Mind you, this was in 1994 when the show came out. I never could watch it and I still can’t.

        • Anon

          It is believable and frankly the way the society works in the US. Generally speaking (emphasis on generally) white people do not have non-white friends. There was a study about this a couple of years ago. There is even a Chris Rock joke about it.

          We get use to what I think of a seat at the table casting in TV shows. In a group of six people, they will cast 3-4 white people, 2 AA people (one of whom is female and the only woman on the show allowed to not be a size 0); and one person of another race. These people are all friends and the subject of race never comes up except for the parent who objects to their child dating another member of the friend group of a different race.

          To be clear, I am not saying there is anything wrong with this type of casting – although I occasionally rage at the disproportionate representation of AAs vs. Hispanics. On the contrary, I think normalizing cross-racial friendship is a good thing. However, it does not reflect demographic realities of the US.

          • A.non

            For some reason I think casting directors have narrow ideas about what it means to create a role for a Hispanic character. It’s especially ridiculous considering how many live in L.A. and NYC. Sadly, it seems easier for Hispanic people to get acting roles if they either look like Cameron Diaz or Gina Torres, rather than Gina Rodriguez.

            As for the disproportionate representation of AAs, I think this has to do with the historical context of using us as entertainment, whether to marvel at our athletic prowess (and assume we are dumb) or mock us in ridiculous portrayals (that make us look dumb). Also, the non-tiny AA woman is defeminizing in that her character is often treated as a joke who is uncouth, masculine, loud, angry, never has a love interest and/or insert stereotype.

        • Anonymous

          You have a point that the racial make up of Gilmore Girls was pretty reflective of what a town like Stars Hollow would be like. But Friends was set in one of the most diverse cities in the US. I don’t think most NYCers have a friend group that is exclusively white, although it’s true that Friends wasn’t alone in this and there were other 1990s shows like Seinfeld and SATC that portrayed NYC in a similar way. On Friends though it wasn’t just that the immediate six were all white, it was also basically that no non-white person ever appeared on the show except as a stereotype, like an Asian drycleaner. There was briefly an African-American woman, but it was towards the end of the series and after a lot of public backlash about how white the show was, which was so unrealistic. If you live in New York City, you interact with lots and lots of non-white people, even if your best friends are all white.

          I think in general TV writers and execs have just gotten way better at consciously including non-white characters – a recent show I’ve been enjoying is Superstore on NBC, which was created by a former Office writer. It’s about a group of employees at a Kmart-type store. Of the seven main characters on the show, three are white, two are Asian/Pacific-Islander, one is Hispanic and one is African-American. Plus one is in a wheelchair and one is gay, and none of them are reduced to a stereotype or a token. It’s nice to see and I think it’s becoming more and more the norm, which is why shows like Friends are now a little jarring to watch.

          • Anon at 4:39

            My own admittedly limited experience is that NYC is extremely segregated in terms of where people live and who they socialize with. There was a great map in the NYT demonstrating this. (https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2015/07/08/us/census-race-map.html?_r=0 ). While workplaces are diverse, people still go home to their (self) segregated neighborhoods and their (mostly) segregated friend group.

            I do agree that creators of shows are actively trying to diversify their casting, which I applaud even when it results in a cast that does not come close to actually reflecting the demographic realities of the location the show is set. My only complaint (especially for shows set in California) is the under representation of Hispanic and Asian Americans.

      • H

        Friends is so obnoxious now! I wasn’t a superfan or anything but I remember being entertained by the show back when it was popular. Now, I think it is super annoying and the characters aren’t likeable at all.

        Also, Full House. My 11 year old self was absolutely a superfan. I tried to watch the reboot and I just couldn’t do it. If they had done more to modernize it, it might have done ok, but it was just as cheesy as it was in the 90s.

      • Marshmallow

        HIMYM only went off the air fairly recently, but especially in some of the earlier seasons there are troubling homophobic undertones in some of the jokes. The show was progressive in a lot of great ways but certain aspects have not aged well (and/or, were never appropriate at the time).

      • AZCPA

        I actually think the jokes on Gilmore Girls have aged surprisingly well. I’m re-watching it now (just started season 5) and have delighted in the number of anti-Trump jokes I’ve noticed. I don’t love Luke’s slight homophobia and could certainly do without that “humor” but it is still very believable from a white late 30s man who has lived his whole life in small town New England.

    • Anonymous

      I don’t think Sex and the City has aged well. I tried to watch an episode the other day while I was painting my toenails, and – yikes. It was cringe-inducing. I finally had to turn it off.

      • Shopaholic

        Yup agree with this. I started watching it at the gym again – was season 1 always this terrible?

        • Anonymous

          I think so. It was so “edgy” and different at the time, I think I ignored or didn’t notice a lot of the terribly awkward parts of the show.

      • BB

        I think it’s a maturity thing too. Teenaged me thought they were SOOOO cool. I watch it now and cringe at how awful they are as human beings!

    • Baconpancakes

      Golden Girls is eternal. Firefly is still the best TV show Fox ever prematurely cancelled. TOS Star Trek is almost unwatchable, but TNG Star Trek, with some particular episodic exceptions, is still extremely enjoyable. S3x and the City is surprisingly dated and just annoying. Saved by the Bell is so. horrifyingly. bad. Fraggle Rock is still amazing.

    • Anon

      Friends has aged terribly. So many homophobic and misogynistic jokes. And Ross is such a terrible human being!

      • Anonymous

        Teenage me had a crush on Ross because I liked nerdy science guys. 30 year old me is horrified by that and am so glad I married a nerdy science who is also, you know, not a terrible person.

      • Anonymous

        Honestly I think all the characters on Friends are pretty bad people. Maybe not Joey but they made him so insufferably dumb by the end that it didn’t matter if he had a good heart. My husband cannot stand Friends (literally, he has to leave the room if it’s on, he hates it SO MUCH), because he hates watching people lie to each other. I didn’t realize until he started watching with me and pointed it out, but they lie to each other on just about every episode of that show.

        • Anonymous

          I’m like your husband. I hated Friends from the jump and could never watch it. Even back in the mid-90s, I had a problem with a show that apparently had zero use for people of color (I grew up in a really racially diverse area, and the idea of a place with only white people in it was totally alien to me). Still don’t understand the appeal of this show.

          • Ugh no

            I know, right? That’s exactly why I could never watch it. If it’s one thing to not have any brown friends, but why were there no people of color on the street, in the coffee shop, etc? In NYC of all places…

          • Anonymous

            It didn’t bother me at the time…because where I grew up was the same, honestly. (That being said, I realize the lack of diversity in NYC is not accurate, whereas in my town that’s just how it was).

            But people say the same thing about Girls and I’m sure other shows.

    • ITDS

      MacGyver. I LOVED that show in high school, and bought a season on DVD. What dreck! It was awful. Magnum PI is still fun to watch.

      • Anonymous

        I think that Magnum is even better now.

        I used to think he drove a Corvette. Oops.

        • Anonymous

          omg, Forever Magnum PI. I watched it all again when it was on Netflix.

          Fun fact, the Ferrari apparently lives close to me (some guy on Davis Islands in Tampa bought it). I have never seen it though.

    • Jax

      Anyone remember the cartoon Jem? Truly outrageous Jem? I was obsessed in 1st and 2nd grade.

      It’s on Netflix and my kids started watching it. The “flirting” in one episode was so bad that it would have made a really good office video example of “This is S*xual Harassment”. I shooed my kids away from Jem and towards She-Ra, which is so cheesy it’s good.

      • Anon

        I never liked that show – always felt left out because I never got any of the Seinfeld references! I just thought they were awful people and not particularly funny.

        • Anonymous

          +1. I never liked Seinfeld or understood why people thought it was funny. I do love JLD as an actress though and I loooove Veep.

    • Anon

      Can someone explain what’s so bad about Friends? Loved it then – can still watch it for hours now. I get it there’s an all white cast – whatever. But examples of sexism or anti gay – bc I’m not seeing it?

      • nasty woman

        Hahahahahahahah

        Dude, just watch it and use your ears. There’s a homophobic joke every episode. Some episodes are based around homophobic jokes. It’s not anti-gay in the sense that the catholic church is, but it certainly promotes harmful and (now outdated) ideas about gay people. Same with women- it’s subtle sexism. Just try. Try to learn. You can do it.

      • Anonymous

        Don’t get me wrong, I still find it funny, at times very funny. Whenever I’m sad and need a pick-me-up I watch that episode where Joey doesn’t understand how to use air quotes. But there are definitely jokes that make me groan now. This has a recap of some of the homophobic and anti-trans stuff. http://myfootinmouth.blogspot.com/2015/09/the-one-where-everyones-racist-sexist.html
        I don’t recall too many racist jokes, except when Monica got cornrows in her hair, as mentioned in that article, but obviously the lack of racial diversity is a concern, especially because it’s not just that the six friends are all white, but also that for most of the show they never cross paths with non-white people (in NYC, which is crazy!) and when they do those people are stereotypes like an Asian dry cleaner or a Hispanic cleaning woman. (They did have a black female scientist in one of the later seasons, which was awesome, but it was a reaction to a huge amount of public backlash.)

      • Anon

        Honestly the only themes I can think of – the one where Chandlers coworker tries to set him up with a guy and then they all talk about how Chandler has a quality about him; and Chandlers messed up dad. And maybe I’m not so sensitive but I think both of those things are fine even in 2017.

        • Anonymous

          You think it’s OK to make fun of somebody because another person thought they were gay? Do you think it’s OK to make fun of somebody because they are gay? If your answer to both of those questions is no then I don’t understand why you don’t have a problem with friends

      • Anonymous

        There is nothing bad about Friends. Some people just don’t have any sense of humor.

    • Anon

      Cosby Show- this was my fave show growing up. Don’t think I need to explain this one.

      A Different World- same issues, same fashion actually! Really fun to watch.

      Small Wonder- just plain weird and creepy. But this is how I view Pokémon culture and so I have turned into my parents

      • Aunt Jamesina

        Yeah, I’m not able to watch the Cosby show any more either… Clair Huxtable is my role model.

    • Anonymous

      I loved watching Buck Rogers in the 25th Century as a kid, so when I saw it on DVD I bought it to watch with my daughter. It is so incredibly bad. The guy wakes up 500 years in the future, and before the end of the first episode the female commander of Earth’s defense force is sitting in the back seat while he pilots the 25th-century spaceship that he magically knows how to fly. Nope!

  6. Serious thanks for a snarky answer

    I posted yesterday on the thread about the woman who was waiting for her husband to decide if they would have kids. I explained I was ambivalent but going for it because my husband now wanted them. You made a snarky reply suggesting that was a bad idea. My internal response to your rudeness made me realize that I actually do want at least one kid. I’ve just said I didn’t want them for so long that I couldn’t admit to myself that I now actually do. If it doesn’t happen, I’ll still live a happy fulfilled life and I won’t be as heartbroken as someone who wanted kids forever. But I might not actually be as ambivalent as I pretend to be.

    • JuniorMinion

      I’m the OP from that thread and I really appreciated your reply. I am happy you have sorted some things for yourself, but I want you to know I really liked your point about ambivalence. It very much incorporates how I feel – I can see paths to happiness both with kids and without kids. I sometimes think this path gets lost in between “desperate to have a family” and “no kids ever.” I always thought I would end up with someone who felt really strongly one way or the other and…I didn’t. I firmly believe that you can be ambivalent and be an awesome parent. My awesomest parent friend is someone who was deeply ambivalent prior to having kids.

      You will rock it :) I have a parent who deeply wanted kids who was terrible at it. I don’t mean at the actual physical act of caring for children but at the emotional aspect and I have invisible scars from it. I’m sure that fuels some of my ambivalence.

  7. ghostwriter?

    My company is debating the idea of hiring a ghostwriter to handle some of the office tasks that take up our time but don’t bring us a ROI with our employees. Does anyone (or their company) use one? If so, where did you find the right person and how do you decide which things are tasked to them vs. completed in house?

    • ghostwriter advice

      Yep, we used ghostwriters/contractors for various things. The efficacy really depends on the types of tasks. I’m in marketing, and I acted as our CEO online, especially on social media channels. Though that was technically in-house, it was ghostwriting, and definitely not something we would’ve outsourced. In my current gig, we’ve used contractors to do long-form writing based on an outline and/or interviewing employees. When you say “office tasks”, do you mean sending out basic correspondence, writing long-form pieces for media outlets for exec staff, etc.? I think the biggest issue is whether the tasks are really well defined and if there’s enough previous work for a ghostwriter to use as a basis for tone, writing style, etc. Or, if it’s so basic, like form letters to request payment or something, that would be fine. But if it’s highly creative, highly visible, or requires specific expertise, bring it in hour.

  8. Ariadne

    I realized that many of my lipsticks, and other makeup (except mascara, which is new) are over two years old. I googled how long you should keep makeup, and though I am usually pretty good at purging, I have held of some most loved colors longer than I should. I think it’s time to toss some of my makeup. How long do you keep makeup? If it is more expensive, do you tend to hang onto it longer than you should, though you know it is dry (looking at you laura mercier secret camoflauge) and should likely be tossed? What would you do?

    • Anon

      I keep makeup until the texture, color, or smell changes, and I’m definitely guilty of keeping a luxury product too long (I’m looking at my Nars Sheer Glow). Fortunately I think if you are using a product every day, you really notice when something is off even a little. I’m a little ashamed to admit it, but my first ever Naked Palette probably lasted 4 years before the texture was just plain bad.

      Some products that do dry out, like Anastasia Brow Wiz or even a cream concealer can be revived with a few drops of liquid (Inglot duraline is one). But dermatologists and opthamolagists probably cringe at this since you are further deteriorating the stability and quality at that point and it’s probably on it’s last legs.

      Mascaras just aren’t worth the risk to me, however, so those are much more frequent, 2-3 months

    • Cat

      I keep until the smell or texture changes – I definitely have eyeshadows that are 5+ years old. The “industry suggestion” for disposal seems more than a bit self-interested, so I don’t pay attention to it.

      Mascara is probably the item that I replace most frequently because it gets goopy after 4-5 months, but I buy drugstore stuff so I don’t mind the turnover.

      • Aunt Jamesina

        I’m the same. I’m deeply suspicious of throwing out makeup that looks and smells just fine. The only caveat is if I get some kind of infection or rash.

    • Marshmallow

      I totally keep things too long, especially powder products. Mascara and eye liner are the only two that I’m really religious about replacing frequently.

    • A

      I was actually shocked when I learned this, but all makeup has the expiration date on the item. If you look you will see a small box that has a number – that’s the number of months the product is good for after opening. I couldn’t believe I never noticed that before, but it’s truly on all makeup items, face masks, etc.

      • Ariadne

        Thank you for all these helpful suggestions! I certainly keep things longer than I should; I am looking to refresh my makeup that seems a bit “off” in terms of texture, scent, and used up after six years plus..just having trouble letting go!

    • Aquae Sulis

      I keep all of mine until it either looks wrong, or I get bored of it.

      I used to collect multiple versions of everything – especially eye palettes – on my search for HG products, but I’ve stopped doing that now that I’ve realised they go off.

  9. Vacation ideas near Burbank,CA

    DH and I will be in Burbank, CA in early October and are looking to tack a week-long vacation onto the trip. The ideal vacation would allow us to do some day hikes in the mountains, spend a couple of days lounging on the beach, and hit up a few excellent restaurants. I suspect that we’ll need to split our vacation time between two destinations, and we are fine with that. We would like to keep the vacation under $4,000 (not including airfare). Any ideas on places to go, things to do?

    • Susan

      If you are trying to stay near-ish Burbank, I’d suggest looking into Santa Barbara/Ojai. You could lounge on the beach in SB, do some day hikes in Ojai. The Ojai Valley Inn and Spa is lovely. Alternately, you could split up the time and do the beach in Santa Monica and drive up to Sequoia for some hiking.

    • OfCounsel

      Given that you have a whole week, I would suggest driving up to Santa Barbara, Moro Bay or Pismo Beach for the first part of the trip. (Which one depends what kind of beach you want – Santa Barbara has wide sandy beaches and is a bigger town with nice restaurants and lots to do. Further north the beaches are rockier and more dramatic). You can then head over to Sequoia/Kings Canyon. You could also just stay in Santa Monica/Malibu and then go east (or vice versa).

      Alternatively you could drive as far up as Monterey/Carmel, which has some great hiking closer to the coast. Check out Point Lobos or Montana de Oro. Just be aware that many of the state parks in Big Sur are closed due to fire/landslide damage and one of the bridges is out. It remains entirely unclear when they will re-open. That bridge is going to have to be replaced.

      I can think of a lot of potential itineraries depending on how far you want to drive so let us know. Also, be sure you check before you come because October can be fire season here. Not a reason to not come; just a reason to double check before you set off down the highway!

    • Senior Attorney

      I’d definitely think about doing a road trip all the way up the coast. Stop in Santa Barbara, San Simeon (Hearst Castle is definitely worth a look), through Big Sur/Monterey/Carmel and end up in San Francisco. There are some great wineries in the Central Coast if you’re into that sort of thing, too.

    • Lorelai Gilmore

      Santa Barbara for the first three days, followed by Yosemite for the back half of the trip. You can’t get better day hikes. Incidentally, early October is hands down the best time to be on the beach in California!

      • OfCounsel

        If you don’t mind the long drive, Yosemite in October is beautiful, but if you think you might want to go and you want to stay in the Park (highly recommend) book your reservations NOW. I just looked and availability in the first half of October is already limited.

        Also, if you are thinking of that, I would suggest Yosemite first and then Santa Barbara so that you are closer to the airport with less potential road closure. Also, if you can fly into Burbank Airport, it is much easier to navigate that LAX.

        • Gail the Goldfish

          Also, if you can’t get the reservation you want for Yosemite accomadations in the Park, book whatever you can get and check back frequently–things open up. It took a lot of booking/cancelling, but I managed to get three days at my preferred location in the summer after initially having reservations at a different location every night because that was all I could get.

    • Vacation ideas near Burbank,CA

      Thanks so much everyone! In usual form, I posted and then was dragged away from work so I just saw this now. DH and I will research these ideas, and I’ll check back in when we’ve narrowed things down.

  10. furrowed

    Putting aside the whole “would a man do this” because I know men who do it, but has anyone ever regre++ed getting botox? My brows are so furrowed from computer strain and bad lighting in our office that I have seemingly permanently furrowed brows. They don’t ease up when I am calm and relaxed, either. They give me tension headaches and my migraines are always behind my eyes and eyebrows, too. I don’t get migraines frequently enough to qualify for insurance to cover it, but I think I would rather have a dermatologist or “medspa” administer it with a focus on cosmetics and looking like myself rather than a neurologist, because I fear the neuro would go overboard.

    • Anona

      If you go to a derm, they will be used to administering Botox for both cosmetic and medical/migraine reasons. I would probably ask the doctor or nurse doing your injections on what they recommend.

    • AZCPA

      I have gotten it four times a year since I was 29 and never regretted it. But please go to a derm and not a med-spa – they have better training, and tend to be more precise on things like how long mixed botox sits around (it isn’t unsafe after sitting, but becomes less effective).

    • AZCPA

      Also, it dissipates in 2-5 months, so even if you did hate it, there’s nothing permanent to live with.

    • Lilly

      I was just thinking that whatever it takes to wear that and make it look stylish and purposeful, I don’t have it. On me, it would look like I needed to accessorize with house slippers, a mug of tea and a mindless novel.

      • Anonymous

        Agree. This is like those trendy jackets and cardigans with a similarly shaped neckline (waterfall, is that what they call it?) but then it goes from bad to worse.

    • H

      You know, I actually really liked it at first glance but went back and looked at it and I think you’re right. The length is too long for the waterfall/hankerchief flowiness.

    • Sloan Sabbith

      Aww, I love it. With skinny jeans, booties, and a white or black tee or pullover sweater? Yes, please. I don’t think the pink furry sweater/light jeans is helping here. But if you added some darker colors, I think it would be very cute.

      Do not love the price tag.

  12. RGAL

    I’m a senior associate moving from NYC biglaw to a midsize firm in a much smaller city. I’m really excited about the opportunity and the new city, but I’ve been at my firm and in NYC my whole career so I recognize there will be an adjustment period. Does anyone have any advice on making this transition smoothly or starting a new job in general?

    • anonymous

      Try not to go overboard with comments along the lines of “In NYC we did X” or “at Biglaw Firm we did it like this.” We have an associate here who does things along these lines (we’re a mid-size firm, small market), as though she is trying to impress everyone, but really it just gets her lots of eyerolls.

      • Anonymous

        +1 It’s so tempting to do this

        on a lighter note, you could watch Crazy Ex-Girlfriend if you haven’t already. :)

    • Anonymous

      No real advice, but congrats! I did this about a year ago and it was the best decision I ever made. My hardest transition has been the wardrobe (casual fridays?? colors??).

  13. Calling Laterals

    Lateral ladies (especially as associates), how long did it take you to make friends at your new firm? Biglaw to biglaw, 5th year going from a general practice to a specialized group. I’ve been here about a month, love the partners I work for and my group generally and am definitely loving the work. I made the right decision. I guess I’m just feeling lonely for friends. I’ve been trying to go to events and meet people in other departments, but there are functionally no other associates in my group and I don’t know any associates outside of work – just the luck of the draw no one I know from law school is at this firm. I’ve been trying to be super friendly, introduce myself in the kitchen, elevator bank, etc. but I really really really miss knowing everyone and having so many friends – my year wasn’t necessarily close at my old firm, but we were friendly, and I had made so many friends in the years above and below me.

    • Anonymous

      This probably isn’t what you want to hear, but at some firms there’s just a culture of not being friends with people at work and it sounds like you may be at one of them. My colleagues and I are friend*ly* and when we’re out of town on business we’ll get dinner together and we definitely enjoy hanging out at work-related social functions (summer associate events, NITA trainings, etc.) but as far as I know, nobody in my office really socializes with other work people completely independently from work.

      • Anonymous

        This is my office. I kind of hate it. Everyone is nice and friendly but no one is ‘friends’ outside of work.

        • Ck

          That is my perfect, preferred work environment.

          Instead, everyone is in my business.

    • Anon

      I lateraled to a big firm when I was a second year. I was friendly to everyone and people were friendly to me but it wasn’t until I had been there for about 9 months to a year that I became friends with a few associates, as in we would message and talk on the phone and go out to pick up lunch together.

    • Anon

      Yeah, your first firm sounds like a unicorn to me. Or was it one of those things where you were in NYC and everyone was from NYU? I was that person who was not and was really jealous of everyone who knew each other already and never managed to break into that group!

      I think also fifth year plus is where more people have kids and are trying to get stuff done at work and get home to their families. It may be more class year than firm culture.

    • Anonymous

      Yeah… I am sort of in your same situation. I’ve been here over a year and have never done anything social with anyone at work that is not work-related. That said, I have kids and bill 2100 hours a year or so, so I haven’t exactly been making much of an effort to make friends. I think having summered at my first firm helped a lot, since there is often a lot of bonding between summer associates. My new practice group of about 20 people in my new firm’s office doesn’t really have anyone who organizes happy hours or other social events (either formally or informally), but when they happen, folks go and have a good time. I thought about trying to be that person and then decided not to for the reasons above, but maybe you will be bolder than I?

    • Anon

      I was at two prior BigLaw firms where even though I worked silly hours and generally had no life, I enjoyed the social interaction and camaraderie in the office, and I made some lifelong friends. Been at my current mid-size firm now for 5 + years and I have just come to accept that I am not making friends here. The lifestyle is better, but apart from small talk in the break room, I have almost no social interaction with my coworkers. I just keep my head down and try to do good work for my clients, but part of me misses the fun banter of my biglaw days.

      • Anon

        I’m one of those that posted above and I think you’re hitting the nail on the head that there’s a trade-off between lifestyle and socializing a lot of the time. As you choose lifestyle you lose the work friends part.

        • Anon

          Yep, that’s definitely true. My brain only remembers the good times laughing with work friends over take out in a conference room, not so much the times I cried in the bathroom because I hadn’t slept for 40 hours.

      • Anonymous

        I think part of it is that when you are a young lawyer, it’s all new and exciting/horrifying and you bond, and plus typically you don’t have kids and many people are still single at that point. At my first job, I was friends with everyone and we did happy hours and weekend things.

        Now at my fourth job, I make no effort to be friends. I have friends from all those other jobs and I honestly don’t have time for new friends. Also, it has burned me a couple of time mixing my work/friend worlds.

    • anon

      I lateraled from a large regional firm to the small office of a Big Law firm in the same city. I am the only associate in my group, and actually the only associate on my floor. The rest of the associates are downstairs from me. It wasn’t until we had summer associate activities that I really got to know the other associates (which was about 3 months into the job). I make it a point to go to the other floor and talk to people on at least a weekly basis. It’s not necessarily easy, but I wouldn’t be happy if I couldn’t have a few random non-work conversations a week.

      I think if you work at it, efforts will pay off. You have to just remind people that you are around and show that you are friendly. I also created my own sort of standing activity dates, like Tuesday morning coffee runs and email a few other associates to go pick up coffee from across the street and head back.

  14. cbackson

    I lateral’d under similar circumstances and it took a long time. What helped was getting on the firm hiring committee – all of those recruiting events helped me meet people across the firm. But I wasn’t added to the committee for a year after I joined. If there is something you can add yourself to that would provide a similar opportunity, I’d say try that.

  15. Emotional Labor

    Do you ever just want to stop? Not plan dinner or buy toilet paper or pay the electric bill? Just let everyone starve? I’m (clearly) over today, but I don’t really have the option of stopping because otherwise I won’t get fed. Even if someone else makes dinner it will still be emotional labor (where is this ingredient? I can’t find this tool! How long does this cook for? Is this the right temperature?) Blah

    • ITDS

      Order takeout tonight? In the future, toilet paper can come from Amazon on auto-refill, and you can autopay your electric bill too.

      • Emotional Labor

        That’s not exactly the point. I can’t do take out every night because I’d get fat and all my bills are on auto pay. It’s more the frustration that I can’t drop the ball because everyone else is too incompetent to pick it up. I’m tired of being self reliant but not alone

        • Senior Attorney

          I hear you. That was my life for more years than I care to recall.

          Don’t forget to do the next generation ( and yourself) a favor and teach your son, if you have one, to do all that stuff!

        • Brunette Elle Woods

          It sounds like you need a vacation. I know everything will be the same when you get back, but you need a long weekend away, if possible!

        • Jax

          When was the last time you had fun? I’m assuming you have kids and spouse–when was the last time you and spouse had a weekend alone? Just laughed and roamed around doing whatever you felt like that day?

          I feel like you when I feel completely disconnected from my husband (no intimacy, no laughter, no anything) and that life is nothing but slugging through work and kids. I find that being alone is doesn’t help when I’m like this–I need a date night. I need a weekend trip. I need to go out with friends for a night. The only thing that helps is bonding with another adult who cares about me and breaking through that loneliness.

        • Fishie

          You must learn how to delegate. Teach someone in the “everyone else” category to cook a few simple meals. Communicate clearly on nights you need help that you need it and ask them to make dinner. Let one of the everyone else’s come grocery shopping with you and point out what you are picking and why (I like this tomato sauce because X; I only buy these flavors of seltzer because Y.) Send them to the store next time. Ask them to do other things – pick up your tax forms, plan a vacation, communicate with contractors. They won’t do it unless you ask, just like an employee, and also like an employee the teaching period slows you down but ultimately someone else learns how to do the job.

        • Anonymous BigLaw Associate

          I understand. I live with five male humans. I am thankful everyday for our nanny, who is more of a nanny/light housekeeper/light cook.

    • June

      Yes. I get this feeling from time to time, and I know exactly what you mean, especially with regard to dinner. We would eat way less pizza if I could learn to kick the feeling!

      I hope it passes soon for you, like it often does for me once I get some rest.

    • anon

      Why do you have to? Seamless. Toilet paper Amazon subscription. Auto-pay. Modernize it and forget it.

      • Anon

        I have SO MUCH STUFF on subscribe and save. It makes me happy to come home to boxes of toilet paper and paper towels and everything else I don’t want to think about buying. I’m just mad I can’t get my preferred brand of kitty letter on SnS.

    • ann

      Is it that your partner isn’t holding up their end? Sit down and have a serious talk and then have them take over for the next few months. It is a lot of work that can go unnoticed. I’m on the other end because I work longer hours but I try to always thank my husband for getting groceries and paying the bills. This is a good reminder to me to help him more. I think it’s easy to ignore the “little” things like these that add up. However, no one is so incompetent that they can’t make you dinner. I would go home and “say, I’m taking a bath/nap/reading for the next half hour while you make dinner. Don’t disturb me. I need this break for my sanity.”

      • yep

        +1 to communication and changing up tasks. My husband does a lot around the house, including almost all kid related weekday transportation. But, he’s got more flexibility in his tasks than I do (except kid transport) . If the bug guy comes on Tuesday instead of Thursday, no big deal. My tasks are more time sensitive- meal prep, laundry, etc. If I drop the ball on dinner, then we are eating cereal which isn’t the answer for regular dinners. We sometime have change things up to re-balance the load. He’s not a mind reader so I have to bring it up, but we get it worked out

    • Anonymous

      This is how I explained to my mother my lack of desire to get married about 10 years ago: “I don’t ever want to get in trouble for the fact we ran out of toilet paper.” Of course that comes from watching her relationships and other similar marriages and wanting no part of that dynamic, and I know now that other kinds of relationships can exist, at least in theory (though I see few of them in my generation or older).

      • Anonymous

        At least with being single, if I have to use tissues for a time or two until I remember to run out and get TP, nobody yells at me for it.

        • Anonymous

          Sometimes I steal TP from work in these circumstances. Just the little leftover rolls that don’t get used, but still. I’m not proud that I’m so lazy.

    • Blonde Lawyer

      I appreciate this post. My husband is the one who handles the cooking and cleaning. On the nights where I cook to give him the night off, I still ask a lot of questions like “400 for 20 mins right?” and “Do you think this is done enough?” I never really considered how that was still emotional labor for him and that if I’m cooking, I just need to figure it out. I’m also guilty of texting him when traveling to make sure I’m cooking stuff correctly. Eeek. Maybe I need to google more!

      • yep

        So, I’m a pretty good home cook. But part of what makes me one is my tendency to Google/read several recipes before and during the cooking to double check my measurements and techniques. I just don’t talk about it when I’m doing it so you might think I have it all figured out in my head. It frustrates me when my husband asks 100 questions rather than just owning the task. I know what his limits are in the kitchen; I don’t expect perfection. Also, there is a lot of trial and error in cooking even for good cooks. If a recipe doesn’t turn out right, then have a back-up dinner of pizza or pbj. That’s totally acceptable.

      • Anonymous

        I found the Cook’s Illustrated Cooks Science cookbook helpful as an all-around general cooking reference. They delve in to their most popular ingredients and how to get the best out of them while still having basic recipes like, “how to pan-fry a steak.” Highly recommend for just becoming a little more comfortable in the kitchen!

      • Aunt Jamesina

        Haha, I’m on the receiving end of the cooking questions, and yes, please just figure it out yourself :-)

        My husband is a great cook, but for some reason still feels the need to run 20 questions past me while in the kitchen.

    • AB

      Yes. My husband absolutely does not get it when I say, “order dinner. I do not care what it is. Decide. No, YOU decide. And call. I will eat when it is here.” But I can’t handle another decision.

    • Miz Swizz

      I say to my husband “I want takeout and then I’m going downstairs to watch TV until I’m ready for bed”. Generally a night off with the expectation that I’m not doing anything for anyone will help reset me. We also will call “fend for yourself” dinner which usually means cereal or ramen.

      If I give myself permission to take the night off and explicitly tell my husband that as well, I find it helps. And lately I’ve been having one of these nights about every 10 days because I can either be on top of everything at work or at home, but not both.

      • Senior Attorney

        When I had a family at home we had an Every Man or Woman For Him- or Herself Dinner Night scheduled every single week. It was great.

        • Anon

          I thought we were the only ones! Sunday nights were “Every-Man-Woman-Child-For-His/Herself-Night” for our family. Popcorn was usually my meal of choice.

    • Anon

      Also no advice but I feel this frequently, as well. My FI “doesn’t cook,” which I find endlessly frustrating. Every able-bodied adult is physically and mentally capable of learning how to execute 1 emergency dinner dish… Ugh.

      • Anonymous

        I tried to teach a girl who is now my best friend, then was my roommate, to cook in college. She got mad/frustrated when I wouldn’t get up to come check if her ground beef was “done.” I was like, it’s done when it’s all brown you’ll live.

        I think this is now part of her limited repertoire of recipes, but she mostly eats take-out (and not all unhealthy) but that’s more sustainable as a single person I think than as as family or even couple.

      • Aunt Jamesina

        Tell your fiancé(e) they’re responsible for dinner being on the table X number of times per week. S/he will learn!

        My girlfriend whose SO NEVER (as in, he lived in an apartment for THREE YEARS without hooking up the gas because he never needed the oven) had a baby a few months back. He’s learned how to cook now!

    • Anonymous

      I totally hear you. Two weeks ago, on Saturday morning, I told my DH he wasn’t allowed to ask me any questions because I was SO OVER IT. He was shocked when he realized how frequently he asks me something.

    • Anonymous

      I don’t actually no this from personal experience, but I’ve watched my mom-friends and I honestly don’t know how you guys do this.

      Maybe tonight isn’t the night to start making people fend for themselves but maybe take SA’s idea and assign at least one night a week to others or every man for himself. I probably think that is easier to do than it is, but try to start with baby steps?

      But to recap, I feel you and I salute you.

      • Anonymous

        *I don’t even know what I was trying to type in that first sentence. OP, at least you can type.

    • Rainbow Hair

      I’m sorry — this sounds tough and annoying.

      Some things I do that help me feel better (when tasks can’t just be *poofed* away) is to build in explicitly ‘me’ time (book a massage?), to do truly fun stuff w/ my husband (I think this weekend we’re getting the kid babysat and going on a hike!) and doing silly hobby things that give me joy (in my case, crafts). All of those things help ground me, help me connect to myself as a person, not just a doer-of-tasks.

    • Mom

      I hear you. And I feel like cooking / groceries / drugstore supplies are the easier end of things! It’s juggling the kids’ activities, remembering to make the doctors’ appointments, planning summer camps, keeping track of teacher workdays at school, dealing with babysitters / cleaning service / carpool / accountant, school forms, etc.

      My husband does a lot of driving and grocery shopping and bill paying, but I keep the giant spreadsheet in my head. And although I shouldn’t, I do get upset with myself when I drop a ball.

  16. Anonymous

    I’m enjoying the decorating posts. Here’s a problem I imagine is not unique. I’m a lawyer, and my office came with a bunch of built-in bookcases, and I just don’t have that many books and closing sets to fill it up, so it looks a bit sad. I have one shelf that has become a bit of a shrine to my family with a few framed photos, and a few shelves that actually hold books, other paper stuff and deal toys, but 2/3 of the shelves are empty. I don’t want to put random stuff there just for the sake of having stuff there — or maybe that’s exactly what I want… any ideas?

    • Anonymous

      There was a post on the elements of style blog recently about curating your bookshelves! good luck

    • anon a mouse

      Hang some fabric from the top to cover the empty shelves?

      Get a giant calendar?

      Get some ridiculous ceramic pieces to fill it out?

      You also could get some decorative storage boxes at a place like HomeGoods. No one has to know they are empty.

    • Anonymous

      Empty space is so nice! It sounds like you have a reasonable amount of stuff, but I’m not sure how consolidated it is. You could always use a few tricks like putting books on their sides or leaning a book against the back of the shelf with the cover facing out (like a photo), or really spacing out photos?

      For things to add, consider smaller lamps, a clock, plant or terrarium, art pieces or framed prints, etc. Those you may have already and shouldn’t require too much spending.

      Here is a link to a shelf with not a lot of books:
      http://www.earnesthomeco.com/3-bookshelf-styling-problems-and-how-to-solve-them/

      At home I have 3 full walls of built in shelving plus a library ladder and I love being able to space things out. Hope some of this is helpful!

    • Anonymous

      At my job, people use their built-ins for mini-stacks of papers. Like motions with responses, etc. I don’t like to use all of my shelves for that so I also scavenge books from the law library that are being disposed of. I have a set of F.3ds and some older state statutes — none of which I ever use of course. It makes me feel a little bit like a third-rate PI lawyer in a TV commercial, but it also makes it feel more homey. And it was free and easy to do.

    • anonypotamus

      Plants!!! Google ones that do well in low light and are easy to take care of. I love love love having greenery in my office (and home for that matter).

  17. Summer Italy Trip - Packing

    I’m going to a few different cities in Italy this summer. I’m aware that I should probably cover my shoulders for church tours, but how conservative should I dress otherwise for daytime and dinners out? Is it the same as a summer trip in a US city? I’m not typically very risque, but I’m talking about sundresses, cute tanks, swimsuits (for the days we spend on the coast).

    • Anonymous

      You’re fine — this is how Italians dress. If you have bare legs during church tours, you may be asked to put some sort of paper wrap thing around your legs, which is sort of funny.

    • Anonymous

      Italians generally show way more skin than Americans, so whatever you normally wear in the US should be fine. The Vatican requires your knees to be covered (even long shorts on men are not ok) so bring pants or a maxi dress for that day, but otherwise I think you’ll fine in churches if you have a cardigan and you’re not wearing a mini-skirt.

    • A

      About 3 years ago I went to Rome, Venice and Florence. I recall definitely covering up for our visit to the Vatican, and in St. Mark’s in Venice you also had to cover up (I remember my friend who was wearing a tank top and short skirt wasn’t allowed in), but other than that I don’t recall there being any other sites where covering up was something we did or was required. I agree just use your best judgment when going to churches or religious sites.

  18. Anonymous

    When calculating the amount of money of living expenses needed for a 6-month emergency fund, do you subtract out the “fun stuff” like gym memberships, cable subscription, etc. and also any extra savings (not withdrawn from your paycheck) when calculating your monthly living expenses? Or do you look at it as, we should be able to keep everything as-it-is for six months, no cutbacks? If I’m calculating it with the “extras” taken out, we have enough in our emergency fund; if I calculate it with the extras in we don’t. I’m having a hard time thinking that if one of us was out of work for more than a couple months, we’d keep the extra stuff in our lives – I imagine we’d go into major belt-tightening mode at that point.

    • Anonymous

      I think you need room in the emergency fund, so I would either budget everything in or specifically budget for a second emergency. I was living on my emergency fund when my dad died, which it turns out was not only emotionally devastating but pretty expensive.

    • Anonymous

      I think it is better to leave aome things in. Which things is really personal. I thin I would figure out living without cable TV, but I would still need to leave enough for Wi-Fi and Netflix. I personally would include gym. In fact, my personal e-fund budget includes a more expensive gym because if I am not going to be working, I darn well want to take advantage of the time to get in shape (not in shape now – at all – ymmv). I take out any extra savings or extra debt payments. Don’t forget to add health insurance if you would lose it, which frankly is way more than the fun stuff I take out (though married folks often have options here that I don’t). Also, I think an ideal e-fund includes some leeway. E.g., I want to be able to pay for lunch out if I meet up with a colleague for networking purposes.

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