Corporette.com

Updated: Jul 17, 2022 500 Comments · by

Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Belted Utility Shirtdress

The Personal Shopper (TPS) | ·

This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.

A woman wearing a green utility dress with four pockets and a belt

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

As a card-carrying member of The Spice Girls Generation (people who grew up with the internet, but also retain childhood memories that predate it), I have a special place in my heart for Victoria Beckham’s clothing line. The kelly green color, figure-flattering shape, and pocket details are all just stunning. If you’re looking to Spice Up Your Life, this dress is everything you Wannabe.

The dress is $990 at Saks Fifth Avenue and comes in UK sizes 4–14.

A few more affordable options are from Hugo Boss ($111.99 on sale; sizes 2–12), a similar dress from Nordstrom ($119; sizes XXS–XXL), and this customizable dress at eShakti ($64.95; up to 6X).

This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!

Sales of note for 9.30.24

About Elizabeth

Elizabeth is a 30-something lawyer living on the East Coast. She spent seven years as a Biglaw associate in NYC, three years as a partner at a medium-sized firm, and is now in-house counsel for a large company. She loves Diet Coke, '90s sitcoms, and dresses with pockets.

Comments

  1. Stye treatment?

    Anyone have recommendations for something over-the-counter to help with a stye?

    • Anom

      Warm washcloth. Helps open it up to drain. If you wear contacts, switch to your glasses for a couple of days. And don’t wear eye makeup.

    • Anon

      Yes!! Allergy eye drops!! The anti-itch stuff in them makes it feel SO much better and calm more quickly.

    • Anonymous

      I used to get styes somewhat frequently until i started using eyelid wipes – cliradex brand they work very well

    • Anon

      All of the above. But, instead of a washcloth, drug stores sell little eye sized heat packs that work soooooo much better.

      • PolyD

        My boyfriend developed a chalazion, thought it was a stye. He got some ointment and was told NOT to use a washcloth as it doesn’t stay warm enough long enough and could end up washing crud into the eye. He got some of those heat- up eyemasks to sue instead.

        If it doesn’t go away in a few days, I’d consider seeing a doctor.

      • Marie

        Similasan drops.

        Also: don’t think anyone has mentioned this, but throw out your eye makeup, as it may have bacteria in it now from the stye oozing (ew) and you can reinfect yourself.

  2. Cb

    UK-rettes, I hope everyone is surviving. I’m in NI for the week, and it’s cooler here, but I’m still wearing shorts to the office and craving some ice cream.

    • London (formerly NY) CPA

      Never come into the office on a Monday, but you better believe I’m here today for the AC! Also, I got a USB-rechargeable neck fan (looks like wearing big headphones around your neck), which has been really helpful. Highly recommend to anyone spending time outdoors during hot weather. Total game changer!

    • Former Parisian

      Would welcome recommendations from US ´rettes re what to wear to the office when it is 100 degrees outside (but pleasantly air-conditioned – not freezing – inside).

      • PolyD

        Linen or other lightweight and loose fitting midi dress (keeps your legs a bit warmer in the office) and a light cotton sweater for inside. Sandals. Hair up and off the neck. I like Spanx-type undershorts or Jockey Skimmies to help with chub rub, and that also keeps you a little more comfortable inside. I keep an old pashmina in the office to put over my legs if the AC is cranked up too much. If you’re going to be outside, a straw hat with a brim is very helpful, both for glare and somehow it feels a little better not to have the sun beating down on your head.

        The heat in Europe sounds horrific, and don’t pay attention to the people who say it’s no big deal. More people die from heat-related issues than cold, yet we fuss much more about being cold.

      • Seventh Sister

        Linen is great, but cotton and/or light fabrics is also fine. Skimmies or a slip instead of any kind of tight shapewear. Shoes I can kick off easily under my desk. I also tend to put my hair up (or at least have an extra elastic so I can if it gets super-hot). I keep a water bottle with ice water at my desk, and tend to let my coffee go cold before I drink it.

    • A

      Frankly I just feel people are making it out to be some kind of apocalypse. Just stay inside if you can, switch on a portable fan and life goes on.

      • London (formerly NY) CPA

        I mean I’m a New Yorker, so I usually go through this kind of heat once or twice a summer. It’s not the end of the world in NY. But in a place where almost no homes have A/C and there isn’t A/C in many offices, hospitals, on public transit, etc., it really is a big deal for many people, especially the elderly and vulnerable.

      • Anonymous

        This is so tone deaf, I can’t even. It’s dangerous to people who have health challenges or are not young, fit, and in shape. If 200 million people are also in need of portable fans, you don’t just run out and buy one. Staying inside doesn’t help you if you have no way to cool off inside.

      • Anon

        People die in this type of heat when it’s not a place that’s set up for it.

      • Anon

        That is so smug. Some regions are not built for heat like the Southern US and when something like this happens. People die, and in fact the death toll is already in the thousands. Portugal alone has reported 659 heat wave related deaths as of yesterday.

        But go on and be an a-hole. It suits you.

      • Anon

        Air conditioning isn’t very common in Europe. They’re not prepared for this kind of heat the way we in the US are.

      • anon

        I’m from Texas where this is common weather for several months out of the year. Some people still die- usually the elderly or other vulnerable who are poor or otherwise don’t have AC. This kind of heat is bad news.

  3. Ellen

    Elizabeth, I love the eShakti dress b/c it costs alot less and more importantly, they sell matching masks, which is one of the pluses associated with the pandemic. Beforehand, no one knew what a mask was in the USA, but now, they are all but required now that the BA5 variant is all over the place. Grandma Trudy has it and it is not bad, tho she says her IBS is acting up b/c of it.

  4. Anon

    I have a Q more for coatdresses, but may apply here: they seem hard to throw a coat on over but aren’t an outermost layer. And this shirtdress, while excellent, would look weird under my trench coat. So items to wear when it is warmer weather (but not so much the steamy heat of summer)?

    • Anonymous

      A coat dress is worn without a topper. A shirt dress may be worn with a coat but this one is obviously a summer piece.

  5. Anon

    Are there any Stevens Institute of Technology alumnae here? I have a dear guy friend who was really teased in elementary school and found his niche with being in the honors (65% female) track of our middle/high school. He adored Stevens, got good internships as an undergrad, and got a good job that paid for his masters and MBA. It was a good science-focused college that felt like a liberal-arts-focused smaller school and was in an awesome area (that wasn’t as overwhelming as being in NYC or a very large state research university). But he’s a guy and IIRC there are maybe not so many women there, so I’d be really interested in y’all’s experience.

    I have a high schooler who is probably a small-school kid but likes computers and our local options are a large SEC school and a large ACC school. If there are other similar schools in the US, pls let me know. This kid’s sibling will probably wind up at College of Charleston, but other kid isn’t interested. Finding the right fit can lead to a magical and transformative experience, which I’d love to find to a kid who had it very rough in the pandemic and (perhaps key thing, is on the autism spectrum, in a way that isn’t a big deal academically but does make finding the right fit so important where she will be welcomed and not sidelined (so: Stevens has high school residential summer programs for 10th-12th graders, which might be good to get a toehold; luckily, I could also work out of our NYC or NJ offices during this if absolutely needed).

    • Anne-on

      I’d say rochester institute of technology, Cooper Union, and Rensselaer Polytech would all have a similar feel? Good friends went to RIT and RPI and loved them – small enough that they felt like a community and not overwhelming in terms of the location (though Northeastern winters can be a beast if you’re not used to them).

      • Anon

        Has anyone here gone to Cooper Union? One thing that struck me as a parent is that if you are in Architecture, you don’t seem to cross-polinate much with Engineering or Art, either with being able to take classes in other areas or really mixing with the students. Maybe this is not really accurate? It seems like such a cool place and we had a kid primed to go for a summer program there (but COVID upended that).

        • Anonymous

          My daughter attends Cooper Union (engineering). Very conflicted feelings. Happy to share experience of you post burner email.

      • Anon for this

        My parents both went to RPI and I grew up closely involved in the community. Seems like it could be a good fit?

      • Z

        I’m a RIT engineering alum and am so glad to see it mentioned here! I had a wonderful experience there. Despite the school’s size (upwards of 18k students), it is very easy to find your community. I was able to get deeply involved in activities that ended up being instrumental in getting my career started. The winters really do stink, but you do get used to it.

    • Anon

      There are some other smaller engineering schools that could also be a good fit. I went to one, but socially don’t think it’d be a good fit for your kid, but from what I’ve anecdotally heard something like RIT or RPI might be a good fit.

    • Agurk

      Olin College of Engineering really seems like it would fit the bill. Also I think it’s free for everyone?

      • Anon

        It’s also really hard to get into – IQR SAT of 1450 to 1570, 16% acceptance rate.

    • Anonymous

      So you’re looking for a small school with a stream STEM focus? Leigh, Olin, Smith, Carnegie Melon. Stevens is a great school but there’s no reason to do high school there if you aren’t a local. I think you’d benefit from hiring a college counselor. Greatly. Because I’m not sure you have a good openness to options.

      • Anon

        Lehigh grad here and while I LOVED it, I dont know if socially it sounds like the right fit for this kid?

      • Agurk

        Not Carnegie Mellon for undergrad, they don’t give a $-@#$ about their undergrads. PhD is another story

        • Anon

          I had a lot of friends that went to Carnegie Mellon and absolutely loved it, so I’m curious if this is age or field dependent (they were all in robotics and graduated 20+ years ago). It certainly is true that professors at any research intensive school don’t really care about undergrad teaching, but I didn’t get the impression that this stopped them from getting lots of great experience.

      • Anon

        Do people hire their own college counselors now? I had thought that was sort of an urban legend (or for the Varsity Blues / serious gunner crowds).

        • Anon

          It’s very much a thing in the upper middle class, or at least it is in my suburb. People agonize about what mediocre, overpriced liberal arts school to send their kids to. I’ve seen dramatic announcements about how great it was that Suzy got into some far away, non-selective school I’ve never heard to pursue a degree in some non-lucrative field. It seems completely unnecessary for a lot of these kids.

      • Anon

        I have never heard of this school — until it was mentioned below, I thought someone was trying to copy in their friend. Will check it out.

        • Anon

          Yes it’s in Indiana (not Indianapolis or near Chicago) so a bit under the radar. But it’s a very good engineering school and the people I know who went there had good experiences.

          • Minnie Beebe

            IIRC, Rose Hulman is fairly focused on the Auto industry, which might be okay, but potentially limiting career-wise? I’ll also throw Worcester Polytechnical Institute (WPI) in Worcester, MA. My husband is a grad, and it’s a great school but also under the radar. Worcester is a small city, but way nicer now than it was when I was a kid (I have tons of family who lived there.)

            But don’t discount the bigger tech schools– In particular someplace like CalTech might actually be a better fit than some of the smaller schools, based on your description of your child.

          • Anon

            I live in Indiana, and I don’t think of Rose Hulman as being exclusively focused on the auto industry. The auto industry is big here, but I don’t feel like Rose Hulman graduates are limited to it any more than Purdue graduates are limited to it.

            The thing about Caltech and MIT (and to a lesser degree Harvey Mudd) is that they’re so incredibly competitive to get into. You can have 1600 SATs and 4.0 GPA with lots of AP/college classes and not get in to those schools. So it’s not realistic for all but the best students and even the best students can’t count on getting into it (like the Ivies).

    • Korvapusti

      Harvey Mudd, if you can swing the cost and the West Coast location doesn’t rule it out! The president there is retiring this year, but she has really focused on the experience of women on campus and my family member who attended found it transformative in the way you described – supportive faculty with early opportunities for research and strong friendships with other STEM-oriented women.

      • Anon

        Harvey Mudd is *extremely* selective, not that much easier to get into than Caltech and MIT. Definitely something to consider if she has stellar academic credentials, but not in the same group as most of the other schools on this thread, including Stevens.

        • Anon

          That’s a concern, to be sure. Also, my read from parents with older kids is that everything is a total crapshoot now. It seems that once schools went test-optional, everyone and their brother applied, so your former 25% chance of getting into a stretch school is now 12.5%, so it’s all about (for us) reasonable expectations and making sure they will truly be happy where they apply (vs only going for schools that are now a stretch and grumbling when they only get into second-tier state u, which is still a good school, but not if you go in with a silver-medalist sort of attitude).

          Sort of dreading how my kid will do on the math part of some tests (the reading ones are off-the-charts) and gaming what gets reported where. I get that no one much cares about girls with good SAT verbal scores as they are a dime a dozen.

          • Anon

            FWIW, I got an 800 on the math section of the SATs back on the ’90s (took it once, no tutors, no test prep), and did not get into MIT. Contra what condescending midwit men say, there are loads of women who are brilliant in math. MIT could stock it’s entire class with women who get 800s.

          • Anon

            That’s my sense — the first many tranches of kids who don’t get in are pretty fungible to the ones who do and who knows why one is in and many aren’t? My sense is that those kids who don’t get in have qualities that will do them solid no matter where they go and my sense is that a lot of companies cast a wider net now to find good candidates and will find them that way.

          • Anne-on

            Eh, I’m one of those off the charts verbal scores kids, and with a Kaplan course I easily got in the high 600’s in my math scores. So much of the score is about knowing the test and the tricks, not about actual innate math skills, for which the AP scores are more important (and I ‘only’ took AP AB calc, not AB and BC or AB and stats).

          • Anon

            Yes MIT alumna here and can confirm there is no shortage of women with impeccable STEM credentials. I had top test scores, perfect grades, lots of college math and science and some summer research experiences and I would probably not get in to MIT today. College admissions has just generally gotten way more competitive in 20 years. I interview for MIT currently, and they reject many incredibly bright, qualified kids.

          • Anon

            As a a parent, I think it’s only bother to visit MIT or CalTech if I had a kid get it (neither are local to us) and needed to make a decision. I’d rather spend my time and travel budget spending a weekend at places with a reasonable likelihood of admission. It’s like looking at 10K wedding dresses — if it isn’t a realistic option for you, no need to look and get your hopes up. We try to at least go on campus to schools in cities we have visited and gotten a burger just to check them out on a low-key visit just so the kids can start figuring things out for themselves. OTOH, it seems that they would go anywhere near a beach in the winter (and still have no idea what real winter is like — Syracuse, etc.).

          • Anonymous

            Even with a perfect SAT score and straight As in a million AP courses, it is absolutely a total cr@pshoot unless you are a rich legacy family.

            At one point my daughter was interested in Cal Tech. The application asks about peer-reviewed scientific articles you have authored.

          • Anon

            Re Cal-Tech application: seriously?! WTF. My guess is those kids either grew up in their parents’ labs or mom devotes herself to driving junior to the lab every day after school and has no life. Not sure I’d want this life if I were a kid (vs in my state, 4 years at SEC school with decent science programs).

          • Anon

            The MIT application had the same question 20+ years ago and plenty of people including me got in despite having no peer-reviewed publications. Just because they ask about something doesn’t mean it’s expected (although if you go there it’s certainly true that you will meet many kids who did publish in high school). But yes, it is very hard to get into those schools, now more than ever. A couple years ago I interviewed a kid who had been nationally recognized for math competitions and he was rejected from MIT. And he was well-rounded in terms of activities, and confident and well-spoken, so he wasn’t rejected for being too nerdy or hyper-focused on math.

            MIT (and I think Caltech also) do not recognize legacy status in admissions. That is one huge difference from the Ivies. The year I got in, a girl from my high school with similar academic credentials was rejected, and her father had gone to MIT for undergrad and grad school. If they gave any weight to legacies, they would have taken her over me. We were close enough academically.

    • Anon

      Is she interested in computer engineering or computer science? If CE, the universe of small schools with CE is very small; the universe of small schools with CS is many times larger, as most liberal arts schools will offer a CS degree. Small CE schools that my son considered (he did not consider Stevens for reasons I don’t remember now): Rose-Hulman; Colorado School of Mines (this is a hot school these days); Grove City College (very Christian); and Calvin University (also pretty Christian but maybe more liberal than GCC). Based on your description, I would think RH might be a fit.

      • Anon

        I have a kid like this and IDK how to help expand their knowledge of options while in high school. Kid has taken computer classes via summer camps at area colleges (community college, local state U) but high school has sort of dropped the ball during COVID and kid is trying to self-teach Python this summer. IDK if this is a good strategy but we don’t really know people who do any of this to be helpful adults in the process.

      • Anon

        Definitely NOT Calvin University if the point is to study STEM. They are a Christian Reformed school that offers science programs, but for the cost they are very mediocre in that field.

        Source: DH teaches there and agrees.

        • Anon

          Also forgot to mention that Calvin is quickly growing more conservative and liberal profs are leaving in droves because of it. Search for info on the HSR for a current snapshot.

          • Anon

            Someone posted recently about a family member kicked out of a school that sounds like that for . . . normal college kid antics.

      • Anon

        + Lehigh for computer engineering. On the Computer Science side, Lehigh also has a Computer Science + Business degree.

    • Anon

      I wouldn’t worry too much about the sex ratio because realistically she’s going to be a minority wherever she goes and in the workforce. I went to a large state school for a compsci major and the ratios in my major were poor (maybe 10% women, I can’t remember) but it didn’t really matter at such a large school. There are so many people to befriend outside of the major and so many more programs and opportunities to get involved with. You have many more opportunities to find your niche. They may have better autism support systems in place, who knows.

      If she wants to live near you after she graduates, I’d probably go to one of those local options you mentioned. Employers in your area will be recruiting there and may not be at places like RIT or RPI (and I agree those are nice school options if she wants to go to school in NY, I have a degree from one of them).

      • Anon

        In my sunbelt city, we see a lot of recruiting from local Us, but it seems like there is a lot of prestige attached to starting in NYC and then moving back after a few years. Maybe this is fair and maybe it’s a bit arbitrary, but it seems like that is given a lot of weight.

        • Anon

          That is a good point, but NYC can be tough to be on your own in, especially if you’re not neurotypical. I used to work there and there’s a different attitude a lot of people have.

        • Anon

          There are 2 key factors to consider when thinking about job recruiting: location and prestige of the school.

          Location: I went to one of the schools mentioned above and while many of my friends from outside of the area had intentions to return home, they ended up staying on the east coast because that’s where they found jobs.

          Prestige: the big 4, IBM, and other consulting companies did a LOT of hiring at my school (well known for engineering, accounting and finance – so this applies to the accounting / finance kids, the computer science/engineering kids, and the industrial engineering kids). These types of jobs only recruit from certain schools (which I think is BS), so if you want to work in this kind of job – consider that when applying to colleges! And to consider – these companies do a lot more than public accounting or consulting. I have several computer science friends working at these companies. My friend went to UMass and was the first class his company recruited out of UMass – so even flagship state schools aren’t guaranteed to be feeders to these types of companies

          • Anon

            I work for a large company and I generally know I’m going to hire a certain number of compsci kids from various college career fairs or from certain collegiate competitions. If you can look at college career fair lists or event sponsors it should give you a pretty good idea – the school can also tell you employment statistics. We hire people from outside of these places too, but usually do not make any effort to find those people. They have to find us at the right time.

    • Anon

      I got an engineering undergrad degree from Princeton. I had never heard of Stevens before college but it had huge representation in the Princeton engineering graduate programs. The TAs I had who had Stevens degrees were very solid on basic principles and not just application of concepts. I remember my department head once telling me that they had never been disappointed by a grad student who had done their undergrad at Stevens and they couldn’t say the same about MIT, Stanford, etc. As a result, I think pretty highly of it.

      Other places to look: Olin (superb reputation among engineers), WPI, RPI (a cousin of mine went here and explicitly told me not to apply, but I know others like it), Cooper Union, maybe some of the small liberal arts schools that have good engineering programs like Lafayette, Bucknell, etc – though these are very different socially from the more tech schools.

    • Anon

      My ex-husband went there as a commuter student. It was fine, but as a commuter student he “slipped through the cracks” like he would have at a giant university. I didn’t even think of it as being small until I read your post, but I guess it’s smaller than a lot of schools. It took him 6 years to graduate because he kept failing classes and switching majors, and no one from the school ever sat him down to ask what was going on, etc. It was also incredibly expensive. I wouldn’t recommend it unless for a massive scholarship.

    • Pep

      I’m going to put a word in for UMBC (University of Maryland – Baltimore County). It’s a small, tech-oriented residential campus, set in the suburbs of Baltimore. It’s a part of the greater University of Maryland system. Not a party environment, very laid back. 13K students. My boyfriend’s son graduated from there with a CS degree and is doing VERY well.

      • Anon for this

        I’ll second that, both my kids went there, different STEM programs, different time frames, both easily found their niche (one sporty, one geeky), both had excellent experiences, had excellent internships, and have jobs they are happy in. Their friends are all employed and happy (and many of their friends are at big name employers, Penn, Facebook, Twitter, Google, Hopkins APL, NSA, etc.) They were smart kids and both got great merit aid at the school, which was a plus.

      • Anon

        I was coming on to recommend UMBC, also. There’s a dynamic new president starting next month, and she should provide a nice role model for women in STEM. Also, despite that big NCAA tournament win over UVa a few years ago, it is a university better known for its chess team than its athletics programs.

    • Anon

      Look at Rice. It’s grown a lot over the years, so isn’t quite as small as it once was, but has a lot of ‘nerdy’ kids who seem to find their place abd even though there is a large grad population they do care a lot about undergrads. I have a cousin who studied physics at bowdoin and while that isn’t the typical place for a stem field she had a great experience with the small class size and got a great job out of college and still works at the company 10 years later

      • Anonymous

        second the rec to look at small liberal arts colleges. It isn’t a main stream/textbook path but I went to Colby and all my math, CS and engineering major friends have great jobs/careers. They are programmers, architects, engineers, patent attys, litigators, one owns a wooden boat restoration business (living the dream), professors, etc. A good friend of mine went through Tuft’s engineering program for ugrad and had a great experience and has had great jobs since.

        • Anon

          NESCAC schools can be fantastic for science, and Tufts has computer engineering.

    • Anon

      I had a positive impression of Case Western Reserve when I was looking for a similar fit. Rennselaer had a different vibe to me – a bit grungier? – but similar crowd.

      • Anon

        I also think Case Western would be a good fit. My sister went there and I went to a different school on this thread and while we both got excellent educations, good jobs post-college, and had a lot of fun in college, I think CWRU is a better fit for the OP’s kid. My undergrad was party heavy (and anyone could easily find a party); my sister partied a lot too but she and her friends definitely had to seek it out (greek life, part of a crowd that went out a lot). The baseline at CWRU seemed much tamer, less partying than the baseline at my school. I think there will be more quiet, nerdy kids at a school like CWRU; those kids certainly existed at my alma mater but were more of a minority, whereas my sister and her partying friends were more of a minority at Case.

    • Anon

      My reply got eaten, but look at Rice University. Large grad population but they really care about undergrads. Lots of “nerdy/socially awkward” kids who seem to come into their own. It’s a shame it’s grown so much in size, but the new president is fantastic, as is the dean of undergrads. My cousin studied physics at Bowdoin and got a great job after and really loved the small class size, so you might also consider other smaller schools

    • Brit

      I am a Stevens alumni, BE (Bachelors of Engineering) 2015, and ME (Masters of Engineering) 2020 paid by my employer. I mention that it’s a bachelors of engineering, not science, because your “general education” classes are engineering focused. My husband and I both noticed a difference in our early careers because of this background. Many peers were not exposed to subjects we had entire courses on that were necessary for our jobs. I’m not sure how many other schools have this but when I was looking it was very few.

      In terms of student life, the school has changed a lot in the past 20 years. As someone mentioned, it used to be mostly commuter students. In the early 2000s, they started overhauling athletics as a way to attract students who would live on campus and now have a large student life scene. When I was there, it was about 15-20% female but now it’s up to 40-50%. It really does depend on your major though and I would think that would be the same at most schools. In general, the student body is either stay in their room and play video games 24/7 or are involved in everything. Almost everyone I knew was involved in many activities (athletics, greek life, clubs, honor societies, campus work study, ect) and active on campus.
      The summer program is a great way to check out the school. I didn’t do it, but friends did and really enjoyed it. Generally freshman and sophomores serve as the RAs or counselors so she’ll get a feel for the students as well.

      • Anonymous

        The point about the bachelor’s of engineering is so interesting. I have the opposite perspective–I think it’s important for everyone, even engineers, to understand literature, the social sciences, philosophy, and the arts in order to combat extremism, anti-intellectualism, and radicalization.

    • anonmi

      Another vote for Rose Hulman. Fairly small school focused on engineering with a strong reputation. Someone mentioned that they focus on automotive, and I’d disagree. I’ve known several engineers that came from Rose in various industries. That commenter may have been thinking of Kettering, formerly GMI, which started as completely automotive focused, but is broader now.

      A smaller state school option is Michigan Tech, but it is in the UP and they get a lot of snow. Like a lot.

  6. Anonymous

    Vicarious shopping? I’m in a wedding in one month. I need to purchase a full-length bridesmaids dress from Lulu’s. I am supposed to wear navy, dark green or maroon. Preferably the floaty fabric not lace or satin. It will be hot where I live. I am a size small, I rarely wear revealing clothes but it seems most options have high slits and low V necks. Bride says any sleeve, but I will be the only one wearing a dress (all other attendants are male and wearing suits with white shirt and a tie). Should I wear long sleeves so I don’t stand out as much in pictures?? (Will be hot)

    • Anonymous

      No don’t be silly you’ll already stand out in a dress you don’t need sleeves.

    • Anonymous

      No, I would not wear long sleeves in August heat nor would I worry at all about standing out in pictures.

      I seem to remember that you’ve posted about this quandary before? I’d suggest that you order some dresses to try on. Also, a tailor may be able to help you if you get a dress that’s mostly close to what you want. Too-high slits can be sewn closed to be more reasonable, and sometimes fabric can be taken from a skirt to form a panel that makes a low v-neck not quite so low.

    • Cat

      If you are the only woman, why does it have to be Lulu’s? Can you look for a navy full length gown elsewhere for approval?

      • Cat

        if it has to be Lulus though, I would pick the Thoughts of Hue Navy Blue Surplice Maxi Dress, which appears to be the only one that is friendly to a regular bra, and have your dry cleaner sew the slit a few inches lower.

        By no means would I wear long sleeves in August.

      • Cat

        Gah, I miss the edit button, I would also have the dry cleaner or tailor stitch or add a snap at the Vneck so it behaves rather than falls open.

    • A

      Also, I don’t know what type of store Lulu’s is but you are getting close to the wire time wise especially if you need any alterations

  7. Anon

    Yikes — it turns out that my mask-ne is the “inflammatory” form of rosacea. And there is no cure, only management of symptoms (for me: tons of small pimples in the non-oily parts of my face: all over cheeks, cheekbones, non-t-zone parts of my forehead). And they are very red and very angry looking.

    I’ve got Soolantra as a topical and a retinol prescription (I also tend to get regular acne). Right now, I just want to have a pitty party, but I am looking for hope and options and annecdata. I am good with using sunscreen. The typical advice is “avoid triggers” but triggers are like everything (sun, heat, cold, spicy foods, alcohol, basically being alive).

    Also: any really good concealer recs that can help with a million tiny bumps and pimples?

    • Anne-on

      I get Rosacea as well – the most important things for me are cleansing super well with an oil cleanser AND a gentle low-ph cleanser (cetaphil works well, but I like the CosRX tea tree one for some additional oomph). I also avoid SLS in my toothpaste as it irritates around my mouth.
      I’d ask your doctor, but mine signed off on using sulfur masks (the de la cruz ointment is cheap and effetcive) when I’m having breakouts. A thin coating 10-15 minutes when I’m having a flare helps a ton. Knowing your triggers is important – mine are masks (heat plus moisture), sweating and heat (so working out in an airconditioned gym is better than jogging in the summer), and not enough sleep/stress. If I do something like yard work I wear a big sun hat, splash my face with cool (not cold) water periodically to get the sweat off, and then shower as soon as I can.

    • Anon

      If Soolantra works, it can work well! Give it some time since it can take a while. Hopefully you’ll find that’s enough! There are a few other things they may still try if it’s not.

      Redness is a lot easier to cover than textural issue, so it’s good that you accessed treatment so promptly!

      Sunscreen is actually a huge trigger for my rosacea; I have to use sunblock. I think that’s pretty common.

      I like the Dr. Jart’s Tiger Grass Cicapair color correcting treatment.

    • Anon

      I have rosacea. It seems like you need to scrub it away but that is the opposite of what you really want to do. Be gentle! Use gentle products. You’ve got some big guns in the soolantra and retinoid, so keep everything else as basic as possible until you start seeing improvement.

      Both of those can make things worse before they start to show improvement so be prepared for that.

      Long term, I’ve found laser and IPL helpful for combatting some of the permanent redness associated with rosacea. But get your inflammation under control first.

    • anon

      Ask your doctor about doxycycline. It’s an antibiotic that can be taken long-term in very low doses and has literally transformed my skin. Another symptom of my inflammatory rosacea was also frequent styes and eye dryness, and the doxycycline has completed fixed that issue as well.

    • Coach Laura

      I used Metronidazole topical gel and it worked well.

      I was diagnosed by three different dermatologists over 20 years, so I don’t think it was a misdiagnosis. However, when I was diagnosed with celiac, my rosacea slowly disappeared over 1-2 years. It’s something to think about, because wheat is an inflammatory and there is a scientific connection between the two. “In women, there is a strong link between rosacea and gluten intolerance. Gluten causes hyperactivity of the immune system increasing general inflammation. Inflammation of skin blood vessels leads to rosacea. Probiotics are recommended in the cases of gluten-caused rosacea.”

      So, if you are of European ancestry and fair skinned, try eliminating wheat and gluten. You may have to do it for a number of months. Being GF is a pain, but to me, having clear skin (and better digestion) is worth it.

      https://www.medpagetoday.com/resource-centers/advances-in-dermatology/women-rosacea-twice-likely-have-celiac-disease-and-other-autoimmune-diseases/882

      • Anon

        Oh, man, this would just kill me. I am like Sophia Loren in that pasta is what made me. I guess there is always rice???

        • Coach Laura

          Yes, my mother is Italian and I could (and did/do) eat pasta or pizza every day. Lucky, GF foods have come a long way since 2008 when I was diagnosed. Some things are so good, even GF eaters don’t mind them (for example, Trader Joe’s Cinnamon Coffee Cake muffins, which my husband and daughter love). Trader Joe’s has the best GF hamburger buns too.

          For pasta, I like Jovial and my son likes Barilla, both of which are imported from Italy. In fact, if you ever go to Italy, most restaurants have GF pasta to sub when asked.

          Many US Italian restaurants have GF pasta (including Maggianno’s and Carraba’s chains plus some non-chains) and chains like Uno Chicago and Mellow Mushroom have GF pizza. My son likes Omission GF beer and my brother likes hard cider, both of which are available at most restaurants.

          • Coach Laura

            Actually, France has GF croissants.

            Italy tests all their 5yo kids, so they are aware of celiac. That’s why they have it on the menu. US doctors don’t diagnose celiac very well, especially in adults.

        • Anon

          There’s lots of pasta made with rice, corn and bean flour. I’ve been GF for over 20 years. You just need to ask questions at restaurants and make more of your own meals.

      • Anonymous

        +1

        Also pale European with rosacea, and wheat is a major trigger for me. It takes less than two hours for wheat to manifest as new pustules.

        Wanted to add though, that’s it’s a good idea to be tested for celiac BEFORE you make this dietary change.

        Also +1 for ivermectin (Soolantra) and antibiotics.

        I avoid all SLS, and foaming cleansers. BHA acid works well for my rosacea.

    • Anonymous

      In January I purchased an Omnilux LED light mask (I follow goalstogetglowing on Insta and she is a research and this is what she recommended). I have Rosacea and it along with diet changes (namely cutting out dairy and refined sugar) have really helped my skin. The LED light mask is spendy but I also found that if I use it on my hands when they have an eczema flare up it really helps. The LED light has scientific evidence supporting the reduction in inflammation.

      Good luck – I know it’s frustrating!

    • Anon

      I have this too. Mask and heat are triggers hence never getting it before now (along with too much stress and not enough sleep but those alone didn’t do it). Metro gel did not work for me. I use Azelaic Acid from Ordinary, which is slow but works well. However, just as it was really under control, I had to wear a mask a lot and it got worse.
      My doctor is up for the antibiotic next but I try not to take antibiotics. Let me know if you find something that works!

    • Anon

      I have some TBH fun gear from Shop Bonnie. This is like that for the office. What shoe pairing? Something leopard?

    • Anom

      Yeah, this one it too 80’s for me. I’m GenX and old enough that the 80’s are more cringe inducing rather than nostalgic.

      • Anon

        +1
        Geriatric millennial and I still can’t get out of the mindset that all these late 80s/early 90s looks are “embarrassing hand me downs” rather than cool

    • Seventh Sister

      As a Girl Scout leader, I have said any number of times that the only “leader uniform” I will wear is Shelley Long’s outfit from Troop Beverly Hills. I *might* consider this dress, lol.

    • Anonymous

      Now that it has been mentioned, I can totally see the connection to Troop Beverly Hills. And I love it! I’d buy this dress in a heartbeat if it weren’t $990. For my situation, it’s office-worthy, big meeting-worthy and won’t go too far out of style, since it’s already both classic and throwback. I’m a slightly boring dresser so I’d personally stick to black or skin-toned shoes. But I saw someone suggest leopard and think that would be brilliant.

  9. Interior Design Q

    Hi ladies! I have a 10 ft by 14 ft bedroom with wood floors and would like to add a rug to make it cozier (and muffle sound). The queen size bed will be against one of the 10 ft walls. Do I want an 8 x 10 or 9 x 12 rug?

    • Anon

      IDK that I have seen a queen bed in a corner against a wall. Maybe I watched Dirty Dancing too recently, but my reaction is a bit “nobody puts Baby in a corner.” BUT I think that will make the rug issue easier, b/c rugs under queens typically give you room walk around the bed on 3 sides (but not in the bedside table area). Otherwise, you don’t want a bunch of little scatter rugs. IMO, always go bigger.

      • Ribena

        I had my bed against a wall in my last flat (the bedroom was too small for any other configuration) and for a while during lockdown in my current place to get more space for workouts. My bf has his against the wall too because the room is too small to have it any other way and it’s fine I guess. Suboptimal but very cosy.

        • OP

          Sorry, I mean that the headboard of the queen will be centered on one of the 10 ft walls.

      • Curious

        I didn’t read it as “in a corner”, but rather as “the headboard will be against the 10′ wall”. That’s what we have, but we just have a rug (I think 5’x8′?) across the bottom. I believe 8’x10′ will give you ample room around the bed, but I’ve never regretted going bigger with rugs.

    • Cat

      I would get the 8×10 and place it perpendicular to the bed (so the headboard and pillows and nightstands are above bare floor, the foot of the bed is on the rug).

      • Cat

        Oh wait, just realized the bed is on the 10′ wall. In that case I’d go one size smaller for the same effect (a 5×8).

    • Anon

      Do you own this place? Or are you likely to move and want the rug to work with the bed in a different configuration? If you’re likely to move, it’s worth thinking about which size is more flexible.

    • London (formerly NY) CPA

      With rugs, I usually err on the side of bigger is better (as long as it fits in your room. I’d go 9×12.

    • Anon

      I had a 10x 14 rug under my Queen recently and it gave plenty of walking around room.

      Another thing to do is to put the rug orthogonal to the bed, so the long dimension runs from side to side of the bed. You set it up so that the edge closest to the top of the bed starts below your night tables. You can find examples of this if you Google it.

      Right now we’re not using a rug – we have throw rugs on either side of our bed.

      • Anon

        Hmm I had a 10 x 14 rug under my Queen and that just gave us a walkway on either side. I think there would barely be a strip on either side if you used an 8×10, unless you placed the rug sideways per above.

  10. Cross country move

    So my family is moving cross country next month, and we will be in temporary housing in our current destination for a few weeks before driving to our new home. Our movers can’t give us a set delivery day and will only say that it will be delivered sometime during a 10 day window, which means that we will be in our new home for potentially 10 days without any furniture. We plan to take some stuff with us in a uhaul (mattresses for us and kids, card table and chairs, pet stuff, disposable plates/cups/silverware, 1 pot/pan/knife, electronics, and our coffee maker). Anything else we should take with us?

    • anon

      I would try to imagine your daily routine and what makes it comfortable. Your list is good, I would add towels and a bath mat, some utensils for the pan/pot, remember to bring paper stuff [paper handkerchiefs, toilet paper], garbage bags, wine bottle opener, and depending on location, I would think about some mosquito spray/electric diffuser.

    • Cat

      are you moving, or buying, bathroom things like towels, shower curtains, etc?

      I would place an order for curbside pickup for things like TP, paper towels, and disposable items, unless you have a stockpile at home and space in the Uhaul. Same with cleaning supplies.

    • Anon

      Is this normal for movers? I’m shocked that they can’t give a better estimate and I would suggest finding other qualified professional movers.

      • Anon

        Not the OP, but I suspect she’s military. And it’s 110% normal for military moves. Yeah, it’s a joy. Every 2-3 years!! Yay!! (Not that anyone wonders why you can retire from the military after “just” 20 years, but this is one reason of many.)

        • Anonymous

          Whatever the explanation, it is completely unacceptable. How are people this bad at planning if their entire job is planning and predicting? I am so tired of incompetence and the requirement that we all just overlook it and suck it up. From service at restaurants to grocery checkouts to movers. They can all do better and I am tired of smiling in the face of iincompetence.

          • anon

            THIS! I have recently been flabbergasted at incompetence from everyone to my realtor, to painters, movers, attorneys, and several others. The bar is really, really low right now

          • Anon

            I posted below about how this is normal. My recollection is that it was possible to get a narrower window, but it was MUCH more expensive- like double the price, which is already significant for a cross country move during peak moving season. Their job is planning and predicting and therefore they understand how difficult it is to get stuff all the way across the country on a very precise schedule. When you build in flexibility to combine loads and alter delivery schedules as needed, it works much more efficiently. Long distance moves are a pain!

      • Anon

        It was when I moved a few years ago and I imagine it’s worse now unless you’re willing to pay a lot more for a shorter window. Though the reality was that the actual moving van people were able to tell us much more precisely when they thought they’d arrive (and it turned out to be accurate). It’s more of a contract thing where they want flexibility to pick up other loads and deal with any mishaps. We ended up basically having to race the moving van across the country as we started a couple days later due to having to wait for the closing on our house.

        • Anonymous

          yes. we moved from NY to IL a few years ago and we had to wait like 3 weeks for our stuff. (but we’d also had movers take about 50% of our stuff so we could better show the apartment and then 2 months later they took the rest of it when we left, so ours was a bit more complicated.)

      • anon

        Also, normal for not military movers with less-than-truckful cross country moves – traffic, day or two here and there with extra time needed for loading and unloading – you get the picture.

      • Anonymous

        This was the norm normal for both of my moves across several states. It was a pain but we managed. I called several movers and all had the same practice.

      • Anonymous

        Yeah, I just moved cross country and they don’t give you any specific delivery day. If you’re lucky they’ll provide a short window. After 10 days, I got a three day window, and then they called randomly at 6am a morning before that to see if we could take delivery that day because another delivery was rescheduled.

    • Anon

      If I was doing this, I’d just stay in a hotel with flexible check out options. Why go through all that extra hassle, including driving a u-haul when you’ve got movers?

      • anon

        +1, I would compare the cost of an extended stay hotel in a suburb vs the cost of the uhaul

    • Anonymous Grouch

      This will seem obvious, but keep your valuables with you, and locked in your car when the actual moving is going on a movers are going in and out of the house. My NextDoor just had a post from a lady who had a “strongbox full of cash, jewelery and passports” stolen by the couple of extra helpers her moving company hired locally from craigslist. The strongbox was in the the truck with the rest of the stuff and the helpers wrapped it up in a moving blanket and walked off with it (proof via doorbell footage). That stuff should never be out of your sight or control. I would also secure silver, heirlooms, and any electronics with personal info (laptops, etc).

      • Coach Laura

        Yes, lock everything of value – sentimental or real – in your car/trunk before any movers show up. My parents lost a laptop and mom’s jewelry this way. My sister-in-law (Hi Sis!) had all her daughter’s photo DVDs stolen along with her camera equipment. The thieves didn’t likely want the DVDs but took the whole box.

    • Sloan Sabbith

      Tension rod curtains unless there are blinds. My new condo had no blinds in the bedroom and until I could get curtain rods up and buy correctly sized curtains I used a shower curtain on the crappy rod that was there. It was terrible.

    • Anon

      HI–cross-country mover protrip. Please, please, please line your boxes with clear garbage bags. It’s thunderstorm season. Bigrigs leak. If there is a leak your stuff could sit in water or be moldy FOR WEEKS. You will be so glad you did. Do this. Promise it’s worth it!

  11. anon a mouse

    Thanks to whoever recommended The Kiss Quotient by Helen Hoang. It was a charming little romance! Perfect for reading beachside this weekend.

  12. Anon

    Is anyone familiar with european bedding sizes? I’m attempting to buy a duvet from Pip studio, which is a Dutch company. They come in sizes including 240×220 and 200×220. Is the 200×220 roughly equivalent to a US queen size? FWIW an Ikea duvet insert supposedly has dimensions of 218×218 for a queen (86″x86″) or a king is 218×259 (86″x102″) so it seems like not exactly the same sizes but close enough.

    • Anon

      The length to width ratios are not the same, think A4 v. US Letter paper. You’re probably fine using a euro duvet on a US-sized bed, but you may want to get an insert that has the same ratio so the cover isn’t bunched in one direction and loose in the other.

  13. just an anon anon-ing

    Is it weird to ask HR about typical annual raises during a offer negotiation? Salary and benefits are firm for this offer (have asked) and the salary is lower than I would like but still acceptable to me. Just want to make sure it doesn’t get eaten by inflation or falls behind what it would be if I stayed at my current position, which has historically been pretty good about annual raises. Not sure if I might end up just getting a “depends” answer or seem out-of-bounds by asking.

    • Anon

      You can ask, but the typical answer is it depends and raises are not typically tied to inflation. If you don’t like the salary going in, I wouldn’t expect an annual review remedy.

    • CHL

      They probably won’t give you a real answer but the question might be what the merit increase budget has been the last 3 years. But if you’re lower than you want to start with, it won’t get better esp. with inflation.

    • KJ

      You can ask, but your suspicion that they can just feed you a line is, of course, 100% warranted. If it’s not part of a contractual compensation package now, don’t count on it.

  14. Sabbatical

    I’m suddenly heading to the middle East for 15 days in a week and need to get clothes that are full coverage and yet really sun and heat friendly. I’m worried cuz pretty much everything I own for the summer/heat is either sleeveless or short. Links would be really appreciated as I’ve very short prep/ordering and delivery time before I leave.

  15. Anon

    Any tips for preventing clothes from wrinkling during the day? I’m wearing a skirt that is 100% lyocell, according to the tag. It looked fine when I put it on but now it’s wrinkled across the front from sitting. Would wrinkleguard help prevent this in the future?

    • ALT

      Lyocell is one of those fabrics that wrinkles immediately, in my experience. A slip may help, but it’s going to inevitably wrinkle.

      Clothes wrinkle when we sit, it’s just a fact of life.

  16. Curious

    You all, I just wanted to share a happy thing. We had such a lovely quiet weekend. My partner is happy again; we’ve worked through a good amount of the cancer trauma and are back to feeling safe and calm when we are together; the baby is adorable and we are so proud of her; and I got out for a nice evening walk and called and caught up with a bunch of girlfriends. For a long time I was saying “the only way out is through,” and while I don’t know that we’re totally out of the woods, I do feel a good sense of through-ness. For all of those — and goodness, I feel like it’s most of us — who are having a hard season, I just wanted to share this in hopes that you also can see the light at the end of the tunnel and actually reach it one day.

  17. Anon

    The book rec above reminded me…any recs for books that are light and easy to read but not romance/rom-com/”chick lit”? I have several vacations coming up and don’t like reading heavy things on vacation, but I don’t like romance novels and don’t normally enjoy books that are billed as “chick lit” or “beach reads” (no Emily Henry, Christina Lauren, Elin Hilderbrand, Emily Giffin etc)

    • Anom

      The Thursday Murder Club and it’s sequel The Man Who Died Twice. Retirees solving murders.

    • Anokha

      Ken Follett’s “Never” (if you like CIA/political drama intrigues) or Hank Green’s “An Absolutely Remarkable Thing” (if you like light sci-fi/social commentary)

      • OP

        I have only read one Ken Follett but I enjoyed it! Will add this to my list. Light sci-fi sounds good too.

    • Cat

      Anthony Horowitz mysteries, Eric Larson for deep dives into history told in an addictive, novel-like way.

    • Anon

      Really enjoying Becoming Queen Victoria by Kate Williams. Light historical read about what a hot mess the British royal family was – nonfiction but reads quickly like fiction. (And who doesn’t love the story of the rise of a girl boss?)

      • OP

        I’ve read most books from both of these authors (loved This Time Tomorrow!) but definitely the vibe I’m going for.

    • Vicky Austin

      In my favorite genre of “thrillers for wimps,” try Ruth Ware or Sally Hepworth.
      Liane Moriarty is easy reads but plotlines generally a bit more complicated than rom-com.
      Second Ann Patchett.
      Beatriz Williams if you like historical fiction (though there is some rom-commishness depending on the book).
      Anne Tyler.

      • OP

        I like most of these authors except I’m not familiar with Beatriz Williams. Will check her out, thanks!

      • Anonymous

        Ruth Ware just released a new one and it’s really good. Also total fan girl moment: I tweeted something about it and, guys, SHE LIKED MY TWEET . Squee!

    • anon

      Here are 10 recs for lighter reads, from different genres, in no particular order.
      – A Psalm for the Wild-Built by Becky Chambers (and its sequel, A Prayer for the Crown-Shy).
      – The Storied Life of A.J. Fikrey by Gabrielle Zevin.
      – Garlic and Sapphires by Ruth Reichl.
      – The Anthropocene Reviewed by John Green.
      – Taste: My Life Through Food by Stanley Tucci.
      – The Poet X by Elizabeth Acevedo.
      – The Bookman’s Tale by Charlie Lovett.
      – The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo by Taylor Jenkins Reid (or Malibu Rising).
      – Project Hail Mary by Andy Weir.
      – Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe by Benjamin Alire Saenz (audiobook narrated by Lin Manuel Miranda).

      • OP

        I loved Taste (although fair warning for anyone else reading, it will have you looking at plane tickets to Italy) and TJR’s recent books. I don’t like Andy Weir’s writing style although sci-fi in general is fine. I’m unfamiliar with the rest of this list and will look into it, thanks!

    • anon

      Son of Elsewhere. Memoir written by a university classmate, but a wonderful quick read.

    • Digby

      J. Ryan Stradal’s novels: Kitchens of the Great Midwest; and The Lager Queen of Minnesota.

      Most John McPhee books would work – non-fiction about a variety of topics.

      Robin Sloan’s novels: Sourdough; and Mr. Penumbra’s 24-Hour Bookstore.

    • Bonnie Kate

      Millennial that I am, my go to for this is the Harry Potter series. I reread them the series every few years anyway.

    • anon

      Malibu Rising
      The Lager Queen of minnesota
      Blood, Bones, and Butter – gabrielle hamilton
      Maybe some of Anthony Bourdain’s books
      I find John Irving’s books relatively easy reads
      I also reread Anne of Green Gables every year

    • Anan

      Some books that made me smile in the past two years:
      Nothing to See Here by Kevin Wilson
      A Bright Ray of Darkness by Ethan Hawke
      Dear Committee Members by Julie Schumacher
      The House on the Cerulean Sea by TJ Klune
      Harlem Shuffle by Colson Whithead
      Hench by Natalie Walschot
      You Wouldn’t Believe What Happened to Lacy by Amber Ruffin

  18. Anon

    Cincinnati recs? I’m taking my 4.5 year old for a weekend soon. We are planning one day at the zoo to meet Fiona the hippo and one day at the Museum Center (we have reciprocal membership), but would love suggestions for places to eat and any other things to do with little kids. Anyone know if the Graduate is a good place to stay? I’ve stayed at them in other cities and been satisfied, and it’s right near the zoo.

    • Anonymous

      Walk across the river and check out Newport KY! Newport on the Levee area has a theater, aquarium, some shopping, music etc overlooking the river. There is also BB Riverboats.

    • anonymous

      The Ark Encounter is only about 30-45 minutes south and perfect for a 4.5 year old!

      • native Cincinnatian

        Ark Encounter, are you kidding me? Get out with your creationist nonsense!

        OP, unless you are a fundamentalist Christian, I recommend avoiding that and visiting the Newport Aquarium with your kid.

        I recommend Montgomery Inn Boathouse for BBQ ribs, Graeter’s ice cream (also Aglamesis if you want even more delicious local ice cream), National Exemplar in Mariemont. Personally I like to take guests to Skyline Chili because it’s a unique Cincinnati thing, but they usually don’t like it, lol.

        • pugsnbourbon

          Ohhhh Aglamesis! Such a cute place. There is (or was?) a great toy store next door.

    • Anon

      Check out traffic before heading into Kentucky; the bridges can get quite backed up.

      If the weather is nice, Ault Park is lovely and will give your daughter a lot of space to run around.

      OTR has great dining.

      Bring a swimsuit for your daughter. Cincinnati has a lot of splash pads (there is even one near the Yardhouse), which are great on broiling hot days.

    • Anon

      Cincinnati resident here! Check out Washington Park in Over the Rhine (near downtown). Great playground for the kids, our beautiful Music Hall building as a backdrop. Over the Rhine is central for a ton of great restaurants. Taft’s Ale House brewery is near Washington Park and would a little more kid-friendly to bring kiddo inside. Lots of good options for take-out in Over the Rhine to eat in the park. Brown Bear Bakery is nearby and is amazing if you are just wanting a little treat.

      Our kids love our Zoo and Museum (Fiona is a big deal in our household!). Smale Park is a park Downton that has some fun activities. Carol Ann’s Carousel is right by it (super cute!) along with a splash pad. It is very close to our baseball stadium, so parking may be a little crazy if there is a game.

    • Anon Cincy Resident

      And I don’t have an experience with that hotel. The area is OK, not the cutest. There are a few hotels in Rookwood (shopping development in Hyde Park/Norwood) that could be good options, still central to lots in the city. There are a few trendy hotels downtown (21C, Lytle Park) that are good if you want something fancier. Hotel Covington across the river in Covington, KY is also trendy and cute.

      And how could I forget to recommend Graeter’s ice cream?! Lots of locations. Black Raspberry Chip is their specialty and my fav.

      • Anon

        Thank you for the detailed responses! I’m in a neighboring state and we have Graeter’s here too, but it’s very good!

    • Anon

      I have to laugh because we are traveling through Cincinnati in a couple of weeks with my 18 YO son, and Fiona is a must-stop for him also.

    • anon

      I’ve stayed at The Graduate with our child and had a good experience. Not especially kid-focused, but it’s fine and close to the zoo. I recommend reading up on the Ark experience to decide whether it’s a good match for your family’s religious beliefs.

    • Anonymous

      Skyline Chili and Graeter’s Ice Cream if you are looking for true Cincinnati touristy things. Yard House near the Reds’ stadium would be kid-friendly. Over the Rhine is well covered above.

    • SSJD

      Smale Riverfront Park will be fun with a 4.5 year old and has a water feature to beat the heat. Near there you can rent a surrey with a fringe on top to bike (?) around the waterfront area. I agree with the rec to go to Washington Park in OTR (also has a water feature to cool off). Agree that you should not go to the creationist Ark thing (we went there to satisfy my husband’s amusement/curiosity, but I’m not glad we gave them money). Art museums are so fun in Cincinnati. The Cincinnati Art Museum (one of my favorites) is free, parking is free, and it has a great children’s room with hands on activities my kids loved. Also, the Taft Art Museum used to have great children’s programming/activities.
      Sleepy Bee Cafe was a favorite place to eat. I love the area around the Oakley location, but there are others. (Skyline Chili is a local food favorite, though not a personal fave.)
      Thanks for bringing back these happy memories from when we lived there!

  19. Jewlery shopping

    Recommendations for finding an every day bracelet? Thinking about one as a birthday gift to myself this year. Thinking some thing that’s a chain or like a tennis bracelet. Something that I don’t have to take off in a shower. Budget would be $500 or less.
    The sound and feel of solid bangles or charms on desks tends to annoys me, they feel too chunky and bulky and I have plenty that I don’t wear. Almost all of my jewelry has been gifted to me and not something I’ve purchased for myself.

    I wear an every day necklace is a small gold initial on a chain. It was a gift from a teacher when I was 13. Also wear a silver ring on my right hand that has a small purple stone but is quite flat and thin.

  20. AIMS

    What do I pack for San Francisco in August? The last time I went I was absolutely miserable – always cold except for maybe 15 min in the mid-afternoon. This is my least favorite weather to dress for in NYC when we get these days in April. Do I just lug all the layers? Any cute “summer” jacket recommendations? I have a denim jacket and a trench but not really much else that is “light”…

    • Anon

      Patagonia nanopuffs are a CA classic for a reason. Far and away the easiest layer to pack for travel, followed by various forms of fleece. Are you there for work or will you be a tourist? Either way, the answer really is lots of layers because it varies so much depending on sun or fog or wind. Denim or trenches just aren’t that convenient to lug around all day, but might be okay to keep in your hotel room and put on before going out at night.

    • Anon

      It will be about 60-65 every day and foggy. Yes, layer, but it’s not like deep winter layers. I’d take a Uniqlo short puffer as it goes with everything and we all wear them, jeans, sandals (seems counterintuitive but they’re fine, you won’t freeze and it’s a nod to summer), sneakers, light weight tops and scarves. A canvas jacket or trench as an alternative option to the puffer, JCrew has some cute ones.

    • Janey

      +1 on the puffer. You’ll still be too cold in a denim jacket or trench imo. The point is you need to keep out the wind and damp. You can also use a puffer vest.
      Also throw a beanie/ski cap in your purse. Most heat is lost through your head, so if you’re truly cold and miserable, you can pull it on and it will help a lot.

      • Senior Attorney

        I do a Uniqlo down jacket AND a Uniqlo down vest. They both fold up to nothing and I can wear them together or separately and I stay cozy. Also a scarf helps.

      • Anon

        I agree you will still likely be too cold in a denim jacket or trench if the plan is to spend significant time outside. Puffer or fleece for the win.

        • AIMS

          Oh man, puffers in summer is new to me and I have been to a lot of cold places! Thank you ladies, I’ll be going shopping ASAP, I guess, and hoping something suitable is available!

    • Anon

      August can be hot or way colder than you thought. I’d bring jeans, leggings, short sleeve and long sleeve shirts, and a nanopuff or similar. And a windbreaker for walking across the Golden Gate, doing Crissy Field or visiting Tunnel Tops, the City’s newest park (found in the Presidio). See you soon!

  21. Anon

    I am from outside of NYC, which IIRC has a population of 8M. I have always thought that SF and LA were the big west coast cities. I was shocked, like totally shocked, to find out that SF only has 800K people in it. My mind is totally blown. Why did I think it was so much bigger? Lumping in Oakland?

    • Anon

      SF itself is tiny in terms of square miles. But the greater Bay Area, including San Jose and the rest of Silicon Valley are much larger.

      • Anon

        SF itself is tiny in terms of square miles. But the greater Bay Area, including San Jose and the rest of Silicon Valley are much larger.

          • Anon

            No, it’s different. San Jose is not San Francisco, but it is very much a cornerstone of “the San Francisco Bay Area” which is a metro are defined by its three big cities (SF, SJ, and Oakland). Riverside is not really part of the LA metro area.

      • Anon

        Yes, SF is small in terms of square footage and there are a LOT of housing restrictions including I think a fairly conservative limit on how tall things can be outside of the fidi, of which people will fight tooth and nail over because of views often at stake, which just severely limits how many people can physically live there.

    • anonshmanon

      Yeah, often the Bay Area (or San Francisco Bay Area) is viewed together, so you get Oakland and San Jose and all the smaller places, which together make 8M people.

    • Anonymous

      I think in general west coast cities tend to be many cities close together. More than on the east coast. I can’t think of a single larger metro in the southwest that is a single city. Las Vegas area is Las Vegas and Henderson, LA area is many many cities, the Phoenix area is Phoenix, Scottsdale, and Mesa, plus several others.

    • Anon

      For me it all depends on how big you decide “the city” is when you draw the lines. There is no question that NYC is densely populated but the headcount of NYC includes the outer boroughs too. For a head to head comparison of a similar SF area, you’d have to include Berkeley (my home) and Oakland and basically the entire “inner” bay area. The city of SF itself is only 7×7 square miles.

      I was SHOCKED to travel to Houston and find that even though we’d been driving for an hour, we were still in the city of Houston. Yes, this can happen in San Francisco, but 100% due to traffic. I’m talking about traffic-free miles in Houston.

      • Anon

        Yeah SF is tiny geographically! People who aren’t from there don’t understand how tiny it is.

  22. Anon

    I used to live next to an AirBNB party house (that, thankfully, got sold to lovely people who live there full-time). Another AirBNB party house opened up in a former long-term rental at the far end of my street. Next to the retired neighborhood curmudgeon who is extremely litigious (or as least can talk a good game about that). They (party house) built an outdoor pavilion for after the bars shut down. It seems to be popular for 20ish people in town for weddings. This should be an interesting summer.

    • Anon

      I feel ya. A quiet house owned by an elderly couple was sold to a local, uh, entrepreneur who parked a log-themed trailer in the front yard AND a tiki hut bar. It’s supposedly going to be an AirBnb and event venue. At the moment, it’s just a hot mess.

        • Anon

          In my city, some condo associations have banned short-term rentals in their bylaws, which makes sense if you are sharing walls, which makes sense b/c we host big sporting events on occasion. But in neighborhoods with no HOA or subdivisions, if it’s “residential,” it’s allowed. The owner may be wildly noncompliant with their mortgage application / insurance / tax obligations / local hotel tax obligations. And zoning enforcement won’t come out Sunday morning at 3am and the police are busy with actual crimes. If a tree falls on your AirBNB rental and crushes you (hello, deferred maintenance), you may find you can’t collect b/c the owner is underinsued and the mortgage bank has a superior claim to the main asset and you are left with any crumbs you can chase out of the owner (who probably owns through an LLC). Fun! Stay in a Hilton — you can sue if something goes wrong (and this isn’t even counting the creepy owners who have cameras or don’t change the entry codes b/w guests).

          • Seventh Sister

            In my smallish city, AirBnB isn’t allowed, but there is no enforcement mechanism in place to actually stop the rentals. Every time someone tries to put together a licensing scheme (e.g., register with the city, pay accommodation taxes, etc.), the plan gets shut down by people who think there should be absolutely no AirBnB allowed within city limits. Not having short-term rentals is practically the only goal shared by the NIMBYs and the ultraleft, but it works every time.

            Our neighbor has been doing short-term rentals of his condo, which I don’t really mind. That said, our driveways are only separated by a low concrete wall, and I’m *over* walking out of my house and waving politely to the group of people with roller bags, who completely ignore me and/or look like I just crapped on their shoes.

        • Anon

          I think that zoning limits new hog farms or apartment buildings in something that is a residential area zoned R-5 (5 lots per acre). But short-term rentals by an owner are generally allowed (long-term ones always are) — think of people who rent out a house for the super bowl or the DNC or professors who house swap or NYC people who sublet.

    • NYCer

      No advice, but this is my worst nightmare. I went to a bachelorette party in AZ a few years ago, and we stayed at a very large AirBNB in a very fancy neighborhood in Scottsdale. All I could think of when we were there is how much the neighbors must HATE having this AirBNB house on their block.

    • Anon

      This is why I refuse to use AirBnB. I think it’s incredibly rude to your neighbors and has terrible effects on housing affordability. If you want to go party somewhere, stay in a hotel, not in some regular people’s neighborhood.

      • Anonymous

        Yup. If you want lots of rooms and a kitchen pay the true cost of that at a resort

        • Anon

          I don’t think Airbnb belongs in most residential neighborhoods, but I think it has a place. My family of six (4 adults + 2 kids) is visiting Orlando in the fall to check out Universal. Three rooms for three nights at a resort or decent hotel are totally out of our budget. Airbnb means we can stay in a decent place for a decent price and save on meals. I’m almost certain all the Orlando homes we looked at on Airbnb and VRBO were long time rentals and many of the neighbors will be vacationers as well. Your response might be that if we can’t afford to “pay the true cost of that at a resort” then we just can’t afford the trip, but I think that’s pretty ridiculous.

      • Anonymous

        Or I mean, just don’t be bad renters? I love using air bnb, but I also treat the home as I would my own. If renters are violating noise ordinances then call the non emergency line and let the police deal with it.

      • Senior Attorney

        Same. I used AirBNB in the beginning but after seeing the effects on neighborhoods, I’m out.

        • Anon

          I’m not convinced I’ve ever stayed in an AirBnB that individually had a negative effect on a neighborhood. (I’ve stayed in a lot of Tiny Houses, in-law suites in oversized suburban homes, a rural destination cabin, and two historic homes in bad neighborhoods that struggle to sustain big old historic homes.)

          I realize it may still be unethical to support the company since they lobby against the kind of reasonable restrictions that would ensure no one stays in an AirBnB that’s hurting a neighborhood, and other reasonable legislation. But I hope we can preserve the good if we manage to get rid of the bad.

          • Seventh Sister

            Of the ten-or-so AirBnBs I’ve stayed in, most were vacation rentals in resort areas. At least half seemed to be a “family place” where the extended relatives were happy to pick up extra income but were using it themselves fairly often.

            That said, at least two were in neighborhoods where it was pretty likely locals had been displaced (one had almost certainly been a boardinghouse in a once-grotty beach town). I don’t plan to do that again, though I think that AirBnB is only part of the problem with the housing crisis. There is hostility to new housing at all income bands in my area, then people are shocked! shocked! when only McMansions and luxury condos get built.

    • Ribena

      I think AirBnB just banned parties across their platform – so report it to them. (Unless you’re just using it to mean ‘vacation rental’ and it’s actually let through a different platform?)

      • Anon

        I was hoping that that was the correct reading when I first read about this. I think what they banned is more pay-to-enter parties (like the kind people have gotten shot at). IDK who ever goes to those (who would be on this site), and I’m glad those are shut down, but it seems like the bachelorette weekend in NOLA or Nashvegas is still a thriving thing from annecdata from co-workers. I’m sure they all slink home after closing time and go straight to bed.

        • Anonymous

          Haha. “Who would be on this site.” A sitting judge here was at one of those parties. And she is not the only one by any means, just the one whose life is on display in the press.

    • Anonymous

      Ugh I’m sorry. I live next to it an AirBnB party house and it’s the worst. They’re illegal where I live but it’s still a difficult long process getting rid of it.

    • anon

      Major commiseration, OP.

      I lived in a 7-unit building in Cambridge, MA. When I started renting they were 100% occupied by legit renters. When we left 4 years later we were the last renter. We stuck it out because it was a nice unit and we were paying relatively low rent. The owner of the building turned everything else to AirBnB and it was horrendous. We’d get knocks on our first floor unit door at all hours, drunk people thinking we were their unit, and so on. People smoking out their windows vented in to our unit. Taking our dedicated parking space in the driveway. Yelling at us for not shoveling out their cars in addition to ours. It was an absolute nightmare. It’s a shame because we’re so short of housing as it is, and those were 7 units taken out of the rental pool in a relatively short span of time. I haven’t kept up with the local laws, but I know right around the time we left they were trying to pass some ruling about converting apartment buildings to 100% airbnb, but I’ll never stay in one after that.

  23. Anon

    Do any of you who live on the coast think about moving inland to avoid climate change? We aren’t beachfront, but we are in a low-lying coastal area. It’s fine now, probably fine through our lifetime… But 100 years from now? Most of the front yard will probably be under water. We can raise the house, but…should we just sell now?

    • Anon

      This is tough. I live in Louisiana, and so while not beachfront, very low lying area prone to flooding and increasingly severe & frequent hurricanes in recent years. Our house is already raised, but we sustained bad damage last year, repairs still aren’t complete, and here we are in the thick of hurricane season again. I know I can’t keep doing this indefinitely. Insurers are pulling out of the state in droves, and my insurer isn’t renewing policies this year, so I think a lot about the long term insurability and value of my property. I also think about what frequent evacuations will look like as we age/in retirement, and I don’t think it’s something I want to have to do. Our 5-10 year plan is to move, but I can’t decide where would be a good place to move to — open to ideas if anyone on this board has any. I would sell now if that was feasible!

      • anon

        Also in Louisiana, and commiseration. We have most of our repairs from Ida complete, finally. But our insurance company pulled out of our state and canceled our policy mid-year. Our new insurance is about 40% ($2K) more than our previous policy. Also, our new policy now runs from July 1 through June 30th, so every year, we’ll be stressed about whether we’ll be dropped on the first day of hurricane season. We did pretty well evacuating last year, all things considered, but I’m dreading the possibility of having to repeat it this year. I feel like I’m more traumatized from the evacuation and the aftermath of Ida than I realized. And not only do we have to think about what happens as we age (we’re only 40), but DH has aging parents who we may become responsible for in future evacuations.

        Added to this, it seems like so many of our friends from before Covid have moved. They’re now in Ohio, Minnesota, Michigan, South Carolina, Houston, and Gainesville. Some of our remaining family members are apparently considering North Carolina. I’ve definitely been thinking of an exit plan, but I haven’t done anything about it yet.

    • Anonymous

      Why do you want to move if it is going to be fine for your lifetime? Do you not like it? Do you feel it important to move as a statement? Are you losing joy from anxiety about being wrong and finding out in a decade or two or three that you will be underwater in just 40 short years rather than after you have passed?

    • Anon

      This is why I’m reluctant to buy property in my town. Flooding is constantly a major concern and every step the government takes to mitigate, is still not sufficient. I wouldn’t buy anywhere near the beach, etc.

    • Cat

      no, because I’m not worried about losing the investment of a home after I’m dead. The main reason you’re living somewhere is because you’re enjoying it while you’re alive, right? Not doing investment management for your theoretical great-great-grandchildren?

    • Monte

      I would not worry about the state of the property in 100 years, but I would be concerned now about flooding, even outside of typical hurricane season issues (ie Superstorm Sandy) and whether those issues will eventually make it impossible for a would-be buyer to be insured. To say nothing of the emotional toll of what our Louisiana friend said upthread.

      • Anon

        +1. I guess this depends on your age, but I wouldn’t be so sure that it won’t be a problem during your lifetime. Just because it’s not underwater completely doesn’t mean that you won’t have to deal with periodic flooding, both of your property in particular and in the rest of the town.

    • anon

      I think it’s smart to think of climate risks now, even if you don’t expect to see the full impact for 100 years.

      For me, key factors include:
      -insurance. My home is a major part of my wealth. If I can’t get insurance for it (or if insurance cost skyrockets) when I’m retired, that’s a risk that will be difficult for me to bear.
      -one time events (flood, fire, etc) have safety implications (can I get out in time?), convenience (how often do I have to evacuate?), risk of trauma for my kids, in addition to the risk of everything (my house and community) being destroyed.
      -property values may decrease due to climate risks. If I’m relying on selling my house in case I need to live in a care home for many years, I want to maximize what I can get. No one wants to pay full $ for a house that will be under water in 20 years or that floods every couple of years.

      I would not buy in a more fire or flood prone neighborhood. I’m also taking a lot of the easier steps to harden my house against wildfire.

    • Anon

      Yep! We’re thinking about selling rental house in a coastal area in the next 10 years. It seems like the impact of climate change on coastal areas hasn’t been priced in to the market yet, and who knows when it will happen, but it is probably inevitable :(. We’re also probably going to relocate away from our fire-prone area on a similar timescale.

      We might be overreacting, but both my husband and I work in climate-adjacent fields, so think about this more frequently than the average Joe.

  24. Anonymous

    Can anyone recommend a resource for … I don’t know, a 60-90 day plan for “getting it together”? I know I can’t sustainably change my life overnight, but I think I could use a change in everything. My house isn’t very clean or organized, my finances are fine but definitely not great, even my clothes are more wrinkled and hair less “nice” looking. I had an insane work schedule during Covid and do not have depression but my doctor said I might want to use some resources for those with depression to help dig out of the mundane low effort “I just am trying to survive” couple of years.

    • Anon

      I think you should try to outsource as much as possible just for the first 60-90 days to get you feeling back on your feet. Take some clothes to the dry cleaner so they’re not wrinkled, hire a cleaning service for your home every 2-3 weeks, go get your hair cut/colored, get a mani-pedi, order food from Instacart. These things won’t drastically change your life right away but they may help you not feel so overwhelmed and give you a fresh outlook so you’re ready to tackle things yourself.

    • Anon

      When I feel like this I sit down and make a list of everything that is bothering me and then try to make realistic plan to address it. I would deal with one area at a time and outsource as needed. E.G. maybe this week is clothes, so you send out the laundry, bring everything to the cleaners/tailors that needs to go, sort out anything that needs to be donated and bring it to the donation place, etc. then the following week is grooming (hair, eyebrow appointments, whatever else you need), then the following week is schedule a deep clean, spend some time decluttering and taking care of little things, schedule a handyperson for the bigger stuff, etc. But pace yourself!

    • Bonnie Kate

      If you’re looking for a DIY thing, check out some self guided journals. Something about writing out answers – even when I’ve thought the thing through a bunch of times – is very effective for me.

      I actually have this one that I’ll mail you if you want it – seriously. I bought it for a gift and then realized maybe it’s not a nice gift that sends a not nice message. I do think it looks like a fun little journal though that might be helpful. I’d keep it myself but I already have Glennon Doyle’s untamed journal I’m theoretically working my way through.

      https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1250181909/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1

      • Op

        That is so sweet of you to offer. Thank you!! I am going to check a few out and will graciously pass as of now – I think I will take Saturday to combine a few of these recommendations and wrap my head around what I can outsource. At this point, mail is one of the things I need to improve (ugh/ 🤦🏻‍♀️)

    • anon

      If you can’t outsource, I would start with one thing at a time and add the next section. So, based on what you mentioned, I’d do something like this.
      – Weeks 1-2: Appearance. Schedule a good haircut. Clean out your closet so it only has clothes you love. Take wrinkled clothes to the cleaners. Get any needed repairs to clothing or shoes made. Buy a steamer. Build a habit of hanging up your clothes at the end of the day.
      – Weeks 3-4: Set a house cleaning routine. By all means, hire cleaners if you can afford it. Either way, figure out what needs to be done daily, weekly, and monthly and write down a schedule that works for you.
      – Weeks 5-6: Get your finances together. Not sure on the specifics, since you say they’re fine but not great, but I’d focus on setting up times and routines for reviewing your budget and spending, reviewing your insurance policies, reviewing investment portfolios, etc.
      – Weeks 7-8: Organize your house. You may start this when you address clothing, cleaning, and finance. If you have other areas of your house that need to be organized, or if you’ve been pushing stuff to the side, deal with them after you’ve gotten some momentum in other areas.
      Obviously, you could take more than 2 weeks per area of focus, or add other things you didn’t mention here but want to work on. My point is just to not do everything at once.

      • CHL

        +1 I had 6 weeks between jobs last fall and I had the personal equivalent of “infrastructure week”. Week 1 was house appointments and activity, week 2 was financial stuff, week 3 medical appts. etc. It worked well because I could focus on something and know that I would get to the others.

    • Anon

      Little steps. Here’s one that helps me when I’m feeling overwhelmed by clutter. Get a trash bag or a large box, give yourself 30 minutes and a cup of your caffeinated beverage of choice, and go into that room and mercilessly trash things. Stacks of paper, things you shoved into a drawer, old cables, unloved knick knacks, etc. This is not the time to be wishy-washy – is this recyclable, would someone else want this, etc – This is the time to be ruthless. Just trash it. No one wants it, I promise, and non-glass recycling is not very efficient anyway, the perfect is the enemy of the good here. Just commit to one room per excursion and see how you feel after doing that.

  25. Anon

    I have a friend who makes significantly more than me, maybe three times more than me. Every time we get together for dinner or hang out, she says something that seems insensitive and out of touch, such as she can’t believe I spend less than $X on a luxury good or service or suggests the very expensive bottle of wine to split or comments that X is really not a lot of money for some item/service when it is to a lot of people especially with inflation, rent increases, etc. For reference, I make low 6 figures so I think my income is certainly not outrageously low or anything like that. We have discussed income brackets and we both know about how much the other makes and our overall financial situation. I feel like she puts me in uncomfortable positions and I’m not sure how to set boundaries with her. Perhaps I’m too much of a people pleaser. I’d like to figure out a way to essentially say get your head out of the clouds and come back down to earth because the other option I’ve been considering is completely ending the friendship. Any suggestions on how I can communicate my frustration to her while maintaining the friendship?

    • anon

      Ugh, this is gross. I think you talk to her once about her concerns, and if she continues to be pushy and braggy and obnoxious, the friendship is over. I don’t think she’ll listen to perspective about the world in general, but you could be very straight-up about how those comments make YOU feel.

      Struggling with this one because she sounds insufferable.

    • anonshmanon

      ‘Friend, what you just said makes me feel like you judge me/others because of how I/they choose to spend my/their money. This seems to happen a lot lately and makes me uncomfortable. You do know that you make 5 times more than most people, right?” Then see what she says.

    • Josie P

      I have one set of rich friends like this. Honestly I just laugh internally whenever they come up with the latest ridiculous thing (one example was worrying about how their first nanny was going to supervise their second nanny!). But def push back when she suggests stuff that is too expensive for you to split with her!

    • Bonnie Kate

      I had a friend similar-ish to this. Twenty One Pilots “Heathens” would play in my head sometimes when I was with her.

      For me, I don’t ever expect that I’m going to say something that is going to change a person. I have to meet them where they are at. If I don’t like that person, or that is not energy I want to be around, that is on me to not be around them or to figure out how to adjust my mindset to be around the person if I do want to continue the relationship. But the mindset changes are mine to make to change the things from things that are annoying AF to things that are just odd characteristics of this friend.

      So if you want to maintain the friendship, something you can do is play “rich girl bingo” in your brain. Make a list of all the things she does that are generally ridiculous, insensitive, out of touch. Then create little rewards/outcomes for yourself when she does a couple. In person, when she does one of the things, in your head “ding ding ding bingo spot”.

      This is all a mindset thing, I’ve never written it down or super felt the need to actually get the little reward – but it helps me flip the script from thinking in the moment “OMG YOU ARE SO ANNOYING I AM DONE” to “hahaha friend is at it again.”

      The only thing I’d actively write out a little script for is if she tries to push you into buying things that are outside of your comfort zone. or if she’s unkind to other people. Those are things I wouldn’t stay quiet about. “Friend, are you out of your mind? I’m not buying that” with laughter. to unkindness, deadpan “Why would you say that?”

    • Anonymous

      Just tell her how you feel. If she gets it, she is a real friend. If not, move on. We

    • Janey

      I had a friend like this, only about body weight. She was much thinner than me and would always make derisive comments about how *other* women who were my same size were so gross and fat. I tolerated this for a decade or more until we lost touch. I wish I could go back and refuse to waste my time with someone who made me feel like absolute trash all the time. I suggest you do the same.

    • Anon

      You probably know this, but she’s insecure or showing off. I have tried explaining life to people like this; they always assume that you are the problem. Try calling her bluff: “If you think the wine is affordable, buy the bottle for both of us.” “I know you are shocked that I bought a Kate Spade and not a LV, but personally… I’m a little weirded out that with all the money you make, you didn’t buy Hermes.”

      • Anon

        Oh no, it’s definitely an insecurity thing. She grew up very poor and is trying to make up for it but it shouldn’t be at my expense.

    • anon

      When I was in law school I waitressed part time because I was planning to be a prosecutor and knew I wouldn’t be making much money. A friend of mine who had recently gotten her offer from some big law firm visited me while I was working and made a comment about how she was glad she’d be making money so she wouldn’t have to do such a gross waitressing job. I ended our friendship immediately and never looked back. Those types of people and attitudes have no place in my life.

    • Anon

      Ohh I had this friend. I wasted too much time finding out I was just a tool for her to feel superior, not a real friend. Move on. It’s not going to get better.

  26. Refund processing

    How long would you wait for a refund to post to your credit card from a restaurant? The order was made through a third party app. I arranged the refund with the restaurant over the phone. Thanks!

    • Anonymous

      48 hours. No more. I’d be there in person to supervise the transaction after that.

      • Refund processing

        Thanks. I tried calling them a few days ago and was told a manager would call back that night (did not happen). I dined there while traveling out of state or else I would hundred percent drop by as a friendly reminder.

      • Anon

        This is just not true. It can take a lot longer for it show up in your account. United Airlines just refunded me for something, and it took 5 days (3 business days) to post to my credit card’s online account. I am sure the customer service rep processed the refunded when she was on the phone with me, because 1) she said she did and 2) the other part of the transaction (airline miles) was immediately visible as refunded.

    • anonshmanon

      Assuming you do the procrastinating on your phone: Bedtime setting on my phone switches the screen to grayscale when I need to wind down, often in the middle of a mindless game, so I need to stop that right there. I deleted twitter from my phone ages ago, still need to use it for work, but only on my computer (still waste too much time there, but it’s usually work time!). Grey scale is pretty good at combating insta etc, which keep you scrolling for eye candy. I usually resort to reading a bit on the library app, then go to sleep.

    • helloanon

      This has been me lately, and it manifests in binge watching show on my streaming channel du jour, sometimes snacking on crap. I was feeling like garbage most mornings. Finally, I just took one night where I shut off all screens and went to bed early. I took a shower, got into bed with clean sheets, and did some deep breathing exercises. Eventually I fell asleep and I work up feeling so refreshed that now, when I feel like I want to engage in some of that sweet revenge procrastination, I remind myself how awesome I felt after my good night’s sleep and I go to bed. It’s only been a week, but so far, working like a charm!

    • Vicky Austin

      I struggle MASSIVELY with this and here’s what I find helps:
      -Building in enjoyment during my day when possible so I’m not staying up late to recoup that joy (making sure I eat food I like, listening to audiobooks while I work, exercise, sunshine playing with my dog, spending time on my hobbies when I can). I try to tick the broad boxes of moving my body, using my brain, quality time with somebody (dog, husband, friends), and a little treat for me.
      -Giving myself a once in a while pass to go ahead and stay up late with the caveat that I cannot spend it lying on my side in bed staring at my phone. I have to get up and clean or bake or read or do yoga. So if it’s getting late and I’ve been scrolling for an hour, I get up and do something else.

    • Senior Attorney

      The only device I allow in my bedroom is my Kindle. I like to read in bed but it generally drifts me off to sleep and I don’t have access to any of the really distracting apps so it works out well.

  28. Anonymous

    Find the best mask you can. Exercise ,sleep well and eat right to keep your body as healthy as you can. Plan the outdoor things with friends that you can now to get your social needs met should Fall and/or Winter be rough. Get a yearly physical–that doctor will be whom you call if you need medicine. Avoid being indoors unmasked, esp with crowds. That’s all you can really do.

    I think focusing on what is in your control–and what is not–helps from spiraling too much. I hear you on the parent thing. You can mention it once or twice, but then you have to make peace and drop it. Anything else is adding stress without benefit.

  29. Anon

    If it makes you feel any better, I currently have Covid and it’s probably BA-5 and it’s basically just a cold. It’s run it’s course in a few days and overall I’ve been much much sicker from colds and flus in the past. Not even close to needing to see a doctor. In a lot of ways, finally getting it can be really anxiety reducing.

    • Anonymous

      As an alternative anecdote: This was not my experience at all. I was sick and listless for almost 3 weeks, coughed another two weeks after that. The virus hit a different part of my body every day or two. It also brought me an extra and extra-painful period. A month later, a man I am seeing also was sick with a lot of odd symptoms, including spontaneous bruising, for about 15 days

    • Anon

      +1 My coworkers all got it at a conference (that I was not invited to, and felt very bummed about left out of, but am now very grateful I didn’t go to!) and they all say it’s pretty much just like a cold. A bunch don’t even have symptoms at all, but took tests because so many others tested positive.

    • Anonymous

      I have had 3 friends, healthy people in their 30s, extremely sick with covid on the last 2 weeks. All are vaccinated and boosted. I’m happy that you didn’t have a hard time — but I don’t think it means this is NBD for everyone.

    • Senior Attorney

      Yeah this thing kicked my butt. Quadruple vaxxed but on Week 3 and still suffering from COVID-related pneumonia even though most of the rest of the symptoms have cleared up and testing negative. Me personally, I wouldn’t be cavalier about this.

    • Anonymous

      I have a friend whose previously healthy five year old is hospitalised with it.

      Glad you are fine. Don’t go looking to minimise this for others. It can be dangerous and long lived.

      • Anon

        Sadly, some small number of kids have been getting seriously ill all along. A healthy toddler died in my county last summer from (presumed) Delta variant. This anecdote is sad (and I hope your friend’s kid recovers fully and quickly!) but it doesn’t mean this variant is worse.

        • Anonymous

          You are right, this variant isn’t worse. I was disagreeing with OP about it being ‘just a cold’.
          Really awful to hear of little kids suffering, poor tiny things.

    • Anonymous

      Agree with the responses. I’m on Day 14 and just starting to feel like myself again. Healthy and boosted and it hit me HARD.

  30. Anonymous

    I’m in such a bad place. I’m just venting. (I’m actually anticipating someone will say something to confirm that I am in fact as worthless as I feel right now.)

    I had a milestone birthday week and had planned a week away without my kids and with my partner. Kid tested positive the moment we got there so all we did was test positive, sleep and turn around. No birthday cake, no special dinner, no anything. I just browned up some turkey, ate it with chips and went to bed. Spent the last week stuck in the house and had to use all my vacation time.

    I just hate my life. Now I’m back at “work” (wfh) and everyone is healthy and im just so sad realizing there is nothing to look forward to, no break in sight. I just work and take care of kids, if I’m lucky I don’t have to do both simultaneously, but often I do, and on Friday I eat pizza. Maybe it’s a break if one of them naps but then I mostly clean. Literally that is all there is. Once in a while a friend will come over for some wine after the kids are in bed but that’s only a few times a year (and last time the toddler didn’t actually go to sleep.)

    In 2019 I had a good job and a good life. I had one cute happy kid. I went to the gym. I left the house and went places and talked to people. I’d look forward to different things, even just relaxing on Friday night or a particular assignment on Wednesday. Now I just wonder what the point is. This life doesn’t feel worth living. It feels like everything good was taken away and now I’m stuck. Im in therapy but my therapist just keeps telling me to keep going. She’s confirmed that career wise I am stuck unless I want to stop making any kind of middle class income.

    I really needed some time to just think and process and spend time with my husband. But that opportunity is gone for at least a year and it doesn’t feel worth it to try again. It’s doubly bad that he didn’t really seem to care that our time together was canceled.

    I’m sorry I made you read this.

    • anon

      That all sounds so hard! I hope you can give yourself permission to just be unhappy about things with your birthday.

      On the rest of it, I was in a similar spot earlier this year, and decided to try a low dose of an anti-depressant. It hasn’t been a huge change, but I feel like I can hang on to my appreciation of the little things longer, and let go of the ‘treadmill’ feeling more easily. I have more mental space to figure things out now, which hasn’t led to any big changes yet but will probably end up with my finding a different job.

    • Janey

      Where is your partner in all this? Why is your therapist opining on your career options, how would they know (other than echoing what you’ve told them)? Why is your opportunity to spend time with your husband gone for at least a year? I hope that venting helped and that things start to look better!

      • Anonymous

        Just guessing here, but she said she used up all her vacation time and she probably also had a hard time finding overnight child care.

    • Anonymous

      I’m really sorry. That makes sense for me and I can relate to the feeling of needing time to yourself so badly only to have it slip through your fingers due to covid or some other reason. Could you perhaps go to the office occasionally so that you can have a lunch break all to yourself? Last week I took myself out for ice cream at lunch and it made me feel surprisingly good. I wish you good things, OP.

    • Vicky Austin

      Oh my gosh, I just want to give you a hug. I’m so sorry that your birthday trip was a bust.
      Can you get a new therapist? It doesn’t sound like this one is very compassionate to your struggles.
      Ignore the fact that husband “seems” he didn’t care. Ask him straight up if you can reschedule your getaway as you were really looking forward to it. If he acts like he doesn’t want to, then you can deal.

      • Vicky Austin

        whoops, pressed enter without finishing my thought – then you can deal WITH HIM and his lack of interest, not accept his refusal. I too struggle with getting stymied by problems that are technically imaginary and not asking for what I really want as a consequence. If you ask, the worst he can do is confirm your fear that he doesn’t want to go again, and you can schedule something for yourself. The best he can do is help you reschedule. Don’t close yourself off from that possibility.

      • Formerly Lilly

        Seconded as to a new therapist. Life is worth living and you are a valued and worthwhile person. But you’re finding it hard or even impossible to see that right now and you need a little help on that. This therapist does not seem to be doing that. Find a new one, or barring that, book an appointment with your PCP and give a clear and honest account of how you’re doing. And have a heart-to-heart with your husband. You need him more than usual right now, and that’s okay. If he doesn’t come through for you for some reason, well as a problem just set that aside for now and deal with later, and move on the to the next likeliest person – friend or family member. In the state you’re in, you may think this is an unacceptable imposition. It is not. And big giant hugs to you.

    • You are not worthless

      You are not worthless. I repeat, you are not worthless. Have you seen your primary care provider? Because this sounds like it could be clinical depression. None of this is your fault.

    • Ses

      Happy belated birthday. Maybe it helps to hear that you’re not alone on having had this type of experience.
      I once had a completely horrible milestone birthday where my partner really half-assed the plans and created a ton of day-of work for me. It was miserable and I wallowed excessively and generally just felt like a pile of garbage.
      I wasn’t then, and you aren’t now.
      This is a crappy time and you got unlucky. Can you do anything like schedule a “rain check” celebration with a one or two day version of a birthday? You deserve something nice. Maybe plan it for a couple weeks from now so you have it to look forward to. And order a nice birthday cake.

    • Anon

      I’m so sorry, this all sounds so hard. sending hugs and compassion for you. please be nice to yourself; you deserve it.

    • Anonymous

      I’m so sorry. I was pretty much in the same boat with our vacation. Can you start scheduling some “fun” back into your weeks somehow? Maybe coordinate with your husband so you can head out early some morning, take a nice walk and grab a fancy pastry? Alternate taking kiddos for a few hours every weekend and spend the time on a nice solo bike ride? Plan a weekend away–even though it won’t be the week you wanted, it will still give you something to look forward to and time to reconnect. I don’t know if your friends are nearby. But even calling them more regularly can help in feeling less alone.

      Also, I would push back on the therapist’s take on career. I’ve done essentially the same job in different places for 15 years and my experience has been wildly different based on who I was working with, the culture around me (esp boss) and the workload. Even just shaking things up and doing the same thing somewhere new can be invigorating. Feeling creatively challenged or having new colleagues recognize your expertise can be so rewarding. Don’t let yourself feel artificially stuck.

      It also sounds like you’re feeling a lot of pressure on the home front. Can you change standards for “clean” or see if husband can help out more or outsource a bit (home food delivery, low-prep meal kits, etc)? Hang in there. It may feel like forever right now, but the kids will be older before you know it.

      Also know you’re not alone. I’m in a huge rut like this myself for multiple reasons right now (and also just had a super long-needed vacation completely blow up and leave me crushed). Not everyone is gliding through life easily right now. Be gentle with yourself.

    • anon

      I’m sorry your big week got canceled! I feel you on the never leaving the house and never seeing people anymore. It is really hard to keep your head on straight when there are just no external voices to interrupt these thought patterns and give you a boost when you need it. You sound like you need some adult contact and some support. I’m curious about your husband – does he know how you feel? If it seems too hard to tell him, you can literally just show him this post on your phone. I promise you he will care and respond.

    • Anon

      Ugh I’m so sorry you’re going through this! I’d definitely say get a new therapist. She doesn’t sound helpful. Also, I know you have no more vacation days but do you have any sick days? Take a sick day and go get a massage, mani pedi and take yourself out to a nice lunch with a glass of wine! Mental health days are crucial especially under the circumstances of the world right now.

    • Anonymous

      I’m so sorry you missed your birthday trip, that sucks. Your husband probably doesn’t want to make you feel worse by talking about it.

      Your therapist sounds crappy, get rid of them.

      Do you have family or friends who can take the kids for a night while you and your husband go to a hotel?

      Sounds like it’s the kids getting you down, can you put them in care more often or get a helper? Is it the second kid that’s making things unmanageable for you?

      If you are WFH can you go and go that from somewhere else for a change of scenery?

    • A

      Are you able to take time off even if it’s unpaid? You really sound depressed to me and I’m hoping therapy will help. Can you outsource some cleaning or childcare ?

      You do not sound worthless. You’re not worthless.

  31. anon

    Seeking advice for a friend. My friend “Jane” and her husband “Jack” have very different covid risk tolerances. Their household is just the two of them (both young, healthy, and vaccinated). Some of Jane’s family members are higher risk. For about two years Jane and Jack took extreme covid precautions that I won’t get into here. This was at Jane’s request and Jack accepted it. Now that it’s become clear covid isn’t disappearing anytime soon Jack wants to get back to (mostly) normal life. Jane is still very anxious and wants them to follow strict precautions. She admits that the restrictions themselves aren’t necessarily logical and she doesn’t have an endpoint in mind. Jane’s attitude is that they need to meet in the middle and Jack has to be more respectful during these conversations. Jack feels that he played along and dealt with extreme isolation for two years, he’s not willing to live like that any longer, and perhaps they need to see her higher risk family less often in order to do so. They’re struggling to come to an understanding about the covid precautions and also with the communication surrounding it. As an armchair quarterback I think this is compounded by 1) Some disrespectful stunts unrelated to covid that Jack has recently pulled, and 2) Jack feeling like Jane is putting frequent visits with her family above his own needs. Any advice on how to communicate effectively or how to negotiate such a large difference in risk tolerance? I don’t want to start a debate on the precautions themselves – this is more about communicating and compromising as a team. Thanks!

    • Anonymous

      Oh no sweetie. They need a divorce. Nope out of this drama. Refuse to engage.

    • anon

      1) stay out of it, 2) if you can’t, recommend therapy, and for both. Jane sounds anxious and together they need to work on talking to one another / seeing things from the other’s perspective. And, honestly, I fully understand where Jack is coming from. I see a similar dynamic between two coupled-up friends, and I swear to you they’re about to break up over it, despite being a pre-covid perfect match who would undoubtedly stand the test of time. As a friend, not that it matters, I support the break up.

      • Anonymous

        Erghh, I’m so tired of “Jane sounds anxious” and accusing anyone of personally not wanting to die or become permanently disabled or not wanting their family members to die has “anxiety and needs to get over it/take meds/go to therapy”. Some people care about others and their health.

        • Anon

          No one has said taking any precautions makes you excessively anxious. But if, say, Janie is a healthy vaccinated, boosted young person who won’t dine outdoors even when they don’t have upcoming plans with her elderly family members, I think most people would agree she’s being unreasonable. I certainly would and I’m far more Covid cautious than most (still masking and not doing indoor dining).

          • Anonymous

            Wrong, the comment I responded to said that. Read it again.

            You also missed where she said “Jane’s family members are higher risk”.

            Stop calling people “unreasonable” for caring about their families.

            I’m a high risk family member, Covid would kill me, and reading comments like this shows people really don’t care if I live or die and don’t care how much family feel.

          • Anon

            No she didn’t say that. She said Jane sounds anxious and I agree. If your precautions are causing serious marital issues, they’re probably very extreme. That’s not the same as taking some precautions.

          • Anon

            Also unless they actually live with the high risk family members, they shouldn’t plan their lives around the high risk family members. It’s possible to avoid riskier activities right before seeing elderly or immunocompromised family members and test and/where masks when visiting. We and dozens of people we know have successfully done this for years. I would be furious at my husband if he excepted us to live our lives like 80 year olds because we saw his 80 year old parent once a month or whatever. Being asked to be more cautious one week/month before visiting the high risk person is very different.

    • Anon

      I mean i am on the more Covid cautious side still, but I still do a ton. Eat outdoors, plenty of indoor activities with a mask and I’ll hang out unmasked indoors with another family (which i just started doing). No indoor dining or strolling the aisles of Target sipping Starbucks. DH and I have kind of had similar issues throughout Covid and while we still aren’t on the same page exactly, we’ve both done a better job communicating and compromising. Also- i realize it’s not a guarantee, but just test a lot before you visit the family and mask during your visit and visit outdoors whenever possible.

    • Anon

      I mean i am on the more Covid cautious side still, but I still do a ton. Eat outdoors, plenty of indoor activities with a mask and I’ll hang out unmasked indoors with another family (which i just started doing). No indoor dining or strolling the aisles of Target sipping Starbucks. DH and I have kind of had similar issues throughout Covid and while we still aren’t on the same page exactly, we’ve both done a better job communicating and compromising. Also- i realize it’s not a guarantee, but just test a lot before you visit the family and mask during your visit and visit outdoors whenever possible.

    • helloanon

      This seems like something a marriage counselor should handle. Lots to unpack.

    • Anonymous

      In general, I believe that whichever partner is more cautious should win. This applies to everything–extreme sports, driving, COVID, etc.

      Of course Jane doesn’t have an endpoint in mind for COVID precautions, because COVID itself doesn’t seem to have an endpoint in mind. In our house we have adopted the “riding the waves” approach. When things get really bad we temporarily pull back on in-person activities and unmasked family visits; when transmission is low and/or the weather is suitable for outdoor activities, we pack in the experiences while it’s relatively safe. We will take calculated risks for high-value experiences, like sending our daughter to summer camp, but we have never stopped masking in public because it is so very easy and so very effective.

      • Anon

        As someone who was the less Covid cautious one in my marriage (though overall still very cautious – currently still wearing KN95 masks in public), I cannot disagree enough with “the more cautious one wins.” There’s a point at which it crosses over into unreasonable anxiety, and you can’t let one partner’s anxiety rule an entire family.

        I will also say that a cost vs benefit approach is fine in general (that’s how I approach things too), but it needs to take into account what each member of the family values, not just what the most cautious person values. My husband was far more willing to take risks for things he valued than things I valued, and that is not ok. Not sure if that’s happening with OP’s friends, but I think it’s a pretty common dynamic.

        • Anonymous

          Caring about your health and others is not “anxiety”.

          One more time, caring about your health and others is not “anxiety”.

          • Anon

            Obviously. I’m still masking and not doing indoor dining because I care about my health and others’, and doing these things is low “cost” to me and others in my family. But there’s a point at which it crosses into unreasonable anxiety, and I would argue that if Jamie is unwilling to do low risk outdoor activities or is trying to block Jack from doing indoor activities he highly values with a mask on, then she’s being unreasonable.
            Signed, more cautious than 99% of people and still think “the most cautious person wins” is a terrible rule.

      • AIMS

        “I believe that whichever partner is more cautious should” – I don’t think this works if one partner is being unreasonable and you want to stay married.

        OP, I agree that you should stay out of it but yes they need to communicate better, choose their battles, and get therapy if necessary. You shouldn’t be playing referee or armchair counselor.

        • Anon

          I also don’t agree with this assessment about the more cautious winning at all.

          • Janey

            Truly, +1. A “cautious” partner could require all kinds of crazy ish that no one on here would support. OP’s post isn’t clear about what restrictions are being requested here. Obviously there is a line of reasonableness.

    • Anonymous

      This needs to stay between the two of them. It’s the sort of thing that doesn’t have a clear compromise that isn’t going to be perceived as damaging to one so may very well separate them.

      She could see family less. He could accept whatever the precaution (lack of indoor unmasked) as price of admission. Neither will go without significant resentment doing so.

    • Bonnie Kate

      You answered the question yourself – they need to communicate and compromise as a team together. They don’t need any specific advice from friends.

      I totally get how, if you are close to one of them, you probably are hearing the blow by blow of this unfolding and think that you should give good suggestions as a third party observer. However, honestly they just need you to listen to them vent as they navigate it, they rarely want or need actual advice.

    • Janey

      When it came to COVID precautions, I found following the CDC/public health guidance was a good fallback for when I wasn’t personally sure what was okay or not. I’m not a public health expert; they are. If the CDC has guidance for what precautions those with high-risk family members should take, maybe they should use those as a compromise. The CDC is doing the weighing/balancing of keeping people safe while not overly burdening those who are taking the precautions.

      • Anonymous

        The CDC has zero credibility at this point. All of its guidelines are politically motivated.

        • Anon

          Yeah around Christmas didn’t they say that people with high risk family members should mask at home, but don’t have to mask when they’re out and about? As if I would rather total strangers see my face, and have comfort at Walmart, than be comfortably unmasked at home with my own loved ones! But the CDC director called masks a “Scarlet Letter” so we know where she is coming from.

          I think that advice is no longer current, and they’re more in favor of masking in public again, but they’re referring a lot of decisions to high risk people’s individual physicians. (Basically abdicating the concept of “public health” in favor of everyone working something out individually with their own doctor.)

    • Anon

      I think you need to stay uninvolved.

      For Jane and Jack, they need to communicate clearly with each other. My own spouse and I were in differing risk tolerance camps earlier on in the pandemic, and I went along with it until my own mental health started to suffer from the extreme isolation. We are in a better place now and logic doesn’t necessarily play a strong role in where we have settled. It took many fraught conversations but my spouse understands and accepts now that living locked down for years on end until the virus does…whatever it will do…was not healthy for me, just like catching covid would not be healthy. We have come to a mutual agreement on various risks that are worth taking (seeing family and friends in-person, working in my all-vaxxed office), which ones can be mitigated to his satisfaction (outdoor dining & activities are okay, masks in indoor venues, hand sanitizer everywhere), and which are not worth it to either of us to try to mitigate (cruise ships, unmasked crowded indoor events with lots of strangers).

    • Anonymous

      I would advise my friend to limit the amount of control she tries to exert over another adult’s life. Some of the biggest fights in a marriage are when one person is trying to get the other to do something they don’t want to do or stop doing something they want to do. There are certainly restrictions we agree to in marriage, like not dating someone else, or not gambling away our life savings. And there are some things we do just to make our spouse happy, like put the tp on the roll the way he thinks is the “right” way. But making demands of the tp roll type – do X my way because that’s my preference – should be pretty limited and a lot of grace should be given for noncompliance.

      Part of the problem is figuring out whether your dispute is about the first or second type of demand. To Jane, it might feel like the first because she’s trying to keep her family safe. To Jake and probably the rest of the world, it looks a lot like the second. I think it’s a losing proposition for Jane to expect Jake to comply with her risk tolerance; i.e., I don’t think she should expect him to not go to restaurants, or wear masks everywhere she would. And it’s a losing proposition for Jake to expect Jane to do things out of her comfort zone, too.

      • Anonymous

        But Jake is trying to exert control over Jane’s life too. If they live together, his exposure is her exposure.

    • Anon

      OP here- I appreciate all the responses. You’ve confirmed my suspicion that they need couple’s counseling to sort through this ASAP. Someone commented that Jane should see a therapist individually about anxiety. I had that thought as well but figured their couple’s counselor would suggest it if needed. Jane is distressed about both the covid risks and the communication issues, and it’s hard to see her upset like this. I was hoping for some quick advice they could use in the meantime but it sounds like counseling is really the only route forward. Definitely not trying to push my opinions on them, just looking for any communication tools that may help them. It’s definitely interesting to read the variety of perspectives here.

        • Anon

          If she’s demanding restrictions that she herself believes are illogical, she’s behaving crazily at least. But the details matter. Maybe it’s just inconsistent because of compromising though, and that’s what is making it feel illogical.

        • Anonymous

          The way we talk about mental health is important. This is insulting and ableist language.

      • Anonymous

        COVID caution is not anxiety. It is logic and realism. The ones who are crazy are the people who think that gallivanting about unmasked during a surge is necessary to mental health.

        • Anon

          We don’t know what she’s asking for! Asking her husband to wear a mask indoors or avoid huge events might be reasonable caution. Asking him to literally not leave the house at all or wipe do the groceries is anxiety and not reasonable. In between, there is room for debate. You can’t just declare “she’s being reasonable” without knowing what she’s asking him to do or not do!

        • Anonymous

          Agreed. All this insistence on denying Covid is still around and super contagious is not good for my mental health. My mental health is better when my physical health is not in peril.

  32. Flats Only

    Make sure you’ve got supplies on hand in case you get sick, so you don’t have to worry about relying on others to take care of you. Pedialyte powders (easier to store than the liquid), plenty of advil, tylenol and nyquil, some frozen dinners or canned soups so you have something to eat easily accessible and don’t have to hassle with takeout. Make sure you have a thermometer with fresh batteries, and order as many of the free home tests as you’re allowed to so you’ve got them on hand. If you do get sick you will most likely be able to take care of yourself comfortably if you’re prepared, and knowing that might help with the anxiety.

  33. Anonymous

    You are not alone, lots of people are still taking this seriously even if others are over it. My two cents: your parents are making their own choices, try to put that out of your mind. Wearing an N95 for a period of time like elevator ride is enough, but if you feel more comfortable waiting for an empty elevator, do it. Stores, probably same but I try to go at off hours or get delivery, too. My motto is that I trust my N95 when I really need/want to be somewhere indoors with unmasked people. Even if you’re eating indoors, you can leave it on when you aren’t eating and it’s better than nothing. It may be awkward being the only one wearing a mask, but it can make the difference. I was recently in a situation where I was the only one wearing a mask, felt awkward about it, but then multiple other people who were part of the same gathering got Covid and I didn’t.

    Cultivate friendships with other people who won’t make you feel unreasonable for wanting to hang outside and then hang with those people outside or in small groups in each other’s homes. If I were forced back to the office I would try to get an exemption or look for a new job where WFH is allowed.

    I’m trying to lose weight/get into better shape as I know that is a risk factor for worse Covid outcomes…but easier said than done there!

  34. Anon

    I am in the market for a splurgy work bag that isn’t a logo bag. Mulberry Bayswater? Something else? I have a beat-up bag that the final straw of wounds happened to over the weekend and now it’s too rough-looking for a fancy meeting.

      • AIMS

        So I have a Cuyana question – I recently ordered a bag after all the raves here and it doesn’t feel great, if that makes sense? It looks good, but to the touch it feels just kind of like a cheap pleather bag. I can’t tell if that’s how it’s supposed to be or I got a weird one. Sometimes I think maybe it’s fine and I should keep it and other times I am annoyed that I paid so much for what feels like a $39 purse at TJ Maxx. Obviously, debating a return. Just curious if that is supposed to be that way? FWIW, I am by no means a snob about bags – I never buy calfskin and one of my favorite bags is a leather tote from JCrew that just feels like a good, simple leather bag.

        • Anon

          Hmm, my cuyana bags have never felt like pleather. They do break in a bit and get more slouchy, but the real reason I like them is that they’re so well made and hold up so well. I also like the color choices.

          I am looking at my 4 or 5 year old bag right now that has been my daily driver for 9 months out of the year for all this time, and if you told me it was 3 months old, I’d believe you.

        • Anon

          I’ve never bought a really $$$$ bag, but I got a bunch of real leather bags from Coach (no logos), Michael Kors and Kate Spade in my 20s and my Cuyana tote feels much nicer than those bags.

        • Anonymous

          Is it the pebbled leather with the raw inside or the “structured” leather that’s two layers bonded together? I could see how you’d find the structured leather stiff, but it wears like iron and looks good forever.

    • The intern

      The Strathberry midi tote is my dream work bag (the regular size might be more appropriate if you were thinking about the Bayswater, but they are quite heavy).

  35. Financial Advisor Doubts

    Sorry for the uber basic question, but can someone describe what a fee-only planner looks like? Does the advisor need to be independent (ie: not Ameriprise or otherwise)?

    We pay an Ameriprise advisor an annual fee in July, and then of course I know they’re clipping some fees from trades and from products (we bought life insurance through them). The advisor is a really good / trusted / smart friend, but after a number of years of wealth building we’re sort of in cruise control. Their value was high during some lower-earning years but we’re beyond that now, have everything where we want it to be. I don’t think we’re getting much on the advisory side any longer and my gut is telling me to reassess, see if we need to go elsewhere.

    Second question, does anyone know anything about variable universal life insurance (VUL)? They’ve recently pushed this product on us and my red flag is going up. We are really financially rock solid – late 30s, have ample life insurance, retirements accounts are healthy/fully maxed, we do need to contribute a touch more to 529 plan for our one kiddo but not worried about that – easy fix, and we have no material debt to speak of beyond our home mortgage and material cash reserves ($300-400k). I would have expected advice to invest it in other places but this product has been brought up multiple times, and suddenly, after years of a good relationship, I’m feeling very sold to. By the nature of my work, I also have regular opportunities to invest in commercial real estate with strong owners/sponsors that I know personally, and my advisor sort of scoffed that that. Meanwhile, everyone around me that I work with is doing this and generally doing quite well. This is my day job so I know a good investment in real estate when I see one. I thought my advisor would encourage this given how all of our other ducks are in a row. I mean, I’ll do it anyway – I don’t need her advice, but I was just surprised that she said basically, no real estate but buy this VUL from me…

    Any perspective would be most appreciated. Thanks!

    • OP

      Will add: just to make sure this doesn’t become the focus of the question I’m asking, I know the real estate market/ markets in general are all over the place. I would only make very calculated investments, if any at all. For the purpose of the post, trust that I know what I’m doing on that front. Real estate investment is my day job for 13 years and counting.

    • anon

      I would drop this advisor pronto, sounds like she’s trying to get a commission on top of the fee you pay.

      I would also consider if there are any gaps in your knowledge/capacity to manage your funds that really make you need a financial planner. I think a lot of financially savvy people who aren’t mega wealthy don’t see much benefit from an advisor.

    • Anon

      My gut senses this like your gut does. FWIW, I am a Vanguard Admiral shares person and I’ve never had anyone show me how a paid advisor would net me more than a very low fee index fund. I’m pretty savvy (also have kept and rented out my moved-out-of housing vs selling it), so I am not sure what an advisor could add to my understanding or menu of options.

      I’d go fee-only if I were to go in for a check-up (possibly: after any large inheritance or planning for the withdrawals phase of life or for a special needs trust for one kid and long-term planning for a kid who may need oversight but who might could live independently but probably should not own a ton outright; that is also for an estate planner who gets special needs family members).

      • OP

        Thanks. Back to my original question, with your advice in mind – is fee-only going to be independent of Ameriprise or another franchise-type place? Is that what I currently have?

        We pay $3,500/year for a 2x/year meeting and on-demand questions, which we rarely ask. They sold us our life and disability insurance, so they clipped something from that but that was a one-time purchase. We also have IRAs with them which I’m sure they’re scraping commissions from. If we don’t buy any more products, does that mean we’re fee only? Or am I looking for a truly independent advisor?

        • CHL

          OP – Yes, your Ameriprise person is not independent. A Fee-only person has no obligation and/or incentive to recommend certain things.

        • Anonymous

          Fee-only isn’t about whether you choose to buy from them. It’s about whether they are trying to sell stuff to you.

    • Anonymous

      My experience is that many fiduciary planners who advertise themselves as “fee only” want to actively manage your investments for a fee that equals a percentage of assets under management. I had a very difficult time finding a fee-only fiduciary CFP who was willing to work on a flat fee or hourly basis. Neither type of fiduciary planner was affiliated with one of the big companies that sell or take commissions on investments. When we finally found the right person it was a very worthwhile experience and the advice was a good value.

    • Anon

      Go with your gut and run from the VUL. Term Life Ins only. A good Fee based planner would not be steering you in to the VUL and probably appreciate the role that realestate could play in your portfolio.

    • Anonymous

      The VUL question is exactly the kind of thing to ask a fee-only advisor who has zero skin in the game.

    • same VUL question

      Goodness I could have written this post. Very much trust my advisor, known him for 20 years but VUL is being pushed and I just don’t have the bandwidth to understand it right now. He explains it as basically tax advantaged investment account with a life insurance provision, but I haven’t heard anyone else recommending it. The fees seem outrageous, I think we’d have to get maybe 6-7% ROI to make it worth it, which doesn’t seem too much over 20-30 years…, My DH is saying do it because at least we’d have a plan…

      • OP

        Fascinating!!!! Is your advisor Ameriprise or some other franchisee? I mean, I work with investments all the time in my day job. If I don’t understand a product and haven’t otherwise heard anything about it I just cannot get comfortable with it.

        We’ve already paid the fee for the coming year, so we’re staying put through June 2023 at least. But I’m going to seriously explore what we’re paying the advisor, add up all the incremental fees, and go from there. I know it’s a function of AUM as we recently crossed in to the next tier of fee, but I’m not sure if we’re paying anything beneath the surface on the individual trades within the managed funds or what.

        Because I work in a niche of finance and my overall background, I’m savvy in personal finance to a point but I also have enjoyed having a sounding board/money therapist for my own personal investments (something other finance friends I know also enjoy – something about investing your own money is just that much harder). I feel like this relationship is nearing it’s expiration, though, and we may be better served elsewhere in the future.

        • same VUL question

          We are with Thrivent Financial, the fee is only $1500 and that was a one time fee for an initial plan. it sounds like you are being overcharged. He came up with some things I hadn’t though of, a donor advised fund being the biggest one, so that we only itemize every other year. We also redid our life and disability. We already max out our other tax-advantaged options and have no interest in real estate investing, or access to those investments like you do. that might change the picture for me. I think I’m going to go for it, but about half of what he suggested, so maybe $25K a year for 20 years with a 1.2mm death benefit. the fund fess are already built into the contract charges.

  36. Anonymous

    Can anyone recommend a YouTube or site to find different names/how-tos of different eyeliner techniques? Like, what’s it called when the eyeliner sweeps above the lashes without touching it? I have round eyes so the Lisa Eldridge eyeliner advice of “extend your bottom waterline” feels like it looks weird on me, but my old technique of just putting it along my top lashline (not extended at all) feels weird now too.

    • The intern

      Katie Jane Hughes is great for eyeliner tutorials, but she’s mostly on Instagram, so you’ll have to scroll a little instead of searching for something specific

  37. Anon

    I know that loads of hospitality workers were laid off during the pandemic, and some retrained, transitioned fields etc, but why are so many places short staffed? Did that many people who were service workers in March 2020 just leave the workforce?

    • anonshmanon

      You have to view the whole labor market. Some workers retrained, went back to school for a different job. Some had epiphanies about work-life balance, and cut back how much they work or just retired early or quit jobs with shitty work conditions. Perhaps that last one was true in higher numbers for low income workers, for whom pandemic unemployment money was a factor. Some were able to change jobs more easily because interviews are online now. Some self-select out of the whole public-facing employment sector because of covid concerns. Many parents had to cut back or quit because childcare was impossible, and still is in many cases. Just make each of those true for 1% of people, and it adds up to a lot of missing staff.
      So many factors contribute to the great resignation in all sectors, so there are a number of open positions that pay more than hospitality and have decent hours+benefits.

      • Anonymous

        This is true.

        Also more than a million Americans died of Covid and 20 million have Long Covid. That’s a chunk out of the workforce.

    • LA Law

      This is complicated and there are a lot of (sometimes contradictory) explanations but they include:

      (1) About half of the gap between avaialble labor force and jobs is explained by retirements (in many cases early retirement). We have know this was coming for a while and the pandemic accelerated it. The oldest baby boomers are now in their mid-70s and the younger ones are in their late 50s. As they move out of the workforce, that is a lot of workers to lose and not an accompanying number of incoming workers to take their places. In my opinion this is exacerbated by age discrimination and lack of flexible (i.e. part time) working arrangements.

      (2) Childcare, childcare, childcare. It does not matter how much people need or want to work. If they have young children, they cannot work without childcare. This becomes a cycle. There is no childcare because people are not going back to work (or working in that relatively low paying field). People are not going back to work, especially in low paying fields, without childcare.

      (3) The problem is particularly acute in low wage jobs. People who can make $20/hour at one place are not taking $15/hour hospitality jobs, but hospitality industries are unable to raise their prices more in order to increase wages.

      (4) Some people (I am not one of them) would attribute it to generous government benefits, particularly the various Covid relief packages, that put money in people’s bank accounts and make it possible for them to not work or try opening their own businesses. If you subscribe to this theory, then it should work its way out as those savings are spent down and the coming recession causes those new business ventures to fail.

      We could fix a lot of the issues with a lack of workers for jobs that do not require extensive training by allowing increased immigration, but in this political climate that is not likely.

      • Anonymous

        This, plus don’t forget we’re at 1 million+ covid deaths, and who knows how many disabilities. Obviously not everyone who died was in the labor force, but that’s a huge number.

    • Anon

      One thing others haven’t mentioned is that a lot of people who got COVID were left with long term complications. The long haulers aren’t all getting back to work. Some of their coworkers saw what happened and are no longer willing to risk catching COVID in a public facing job for low pay if they can avoid it. Hospitality workers were hit relatively hard.

  38. Anon

    This is more of a vent (but also open to advice)…I’m a bridesmaid in my friend’s wedding in October, and she is just being. So. Extra. Latest example: today I got a text introducing me to the groomsman I’ll be walking down the aisle with and asking us to come up with the song and “fun sh!t” we’re going to do during our reception entrance. The wedding is practically 3 months away! And I don’t want to be texting this random man! Ugh. Anyway….any creative ideas? Lol

    • Janey

      Each “couple” is supposed to have their own entrance song? That sounds very confusing and like it will lead to lots of awkward pauses while the DJ changes the song.

      In any case, do not take on this emotional labor. Let the random man pick a song. Pump your arms and shout “woo.” Done.

    • Anon

      A friend did the “Gronk Spike” – we’re Bostonians and it hit better when we played for us, but it landed well. Maybe something like that? Air throw him a pass, and let him catch and spike it? Pretty simple, minimal opportunity to embarrass oneself with a weird dance move.

    • Anon

      This is all about social media. People post these “entrances” and think they’re so cute or funny or whatever, and I just cringe. I don’t have any good advice, but make it as bad as you can stand, I guess, because this needs to stop.

      • Anon

        Yes, knowing this friend she definitely has social media in mind (which is even more horrifying in my book). We intentionally didn’t even have the wedding party so entrances at my wedding bc I also think they’re so cringe!

    • anon

      Nooooo! My sister also requested “fun sh!t” and hello, you know me better than that. Raising the roof was about all I could manage, and nobody needs a text message for that.

      • OP

        I am happily married, and based on some light Instagram stalking he has a long-term girlfriend as well….. to my knowledge everyone else (aside from the maid of honor) is coupled up as well.

    • Anon

      I may be the only one who doesn’t think this is so bad. She’s introducing you two and giving you three months rather than dropping a bomb on You a week before.

      • Anonymous

        Yeah. She is giving you all this time and expecting you to use it to make some extravagant tacky BS entrance she can post on her Instagram to make it look like her wedding is anything but that basic beeotch event it actually is. This is not a gift. It is a long-term project assignment and you have my permission to blow it off.

  40. Anon

    Seeking Kindle book recs.

    I supposedly get 2 free Prime first looks per month as a prime member. Are any of those any good?

    I don’t mean to be a snob and I like a page turner as much as the next girl, but bad writing really turns me off. I do not like trashy romances either (too formulaic and you know exactly who the love interest is from page one because the heroine hates his guts) but could do a mystery as long as the writing isn’t too cringey.

    • Anon

      I get these every month, but only rarely get around to reading them. There are tons of better books out there and when you get them from the library, they’re free too.

      • Anonymous

        Yeah, skip those and join your library for free access to books you really want to read.

    • Sloan Sabbith

      Very rarely are they good. I’ve only ever had one or two that I read that I liked and they were years ago.

    • PolyD

      Some are good, some are bad. I use it as an opportunity to check out authors or genres I normally might not read.

    • Anon

      I canceled Prime years ago, but I almost never read these books back when I had the service. I’m with you. I can’t abide bad writing and usually these books were just plain terrible.

    • Janey

      Ehhh. I glance over the offers every month and nothing looks more interesting than the 10-book backlog of “to be reads” I have free on my Libby app through the library. So no, I don’t consider any of them good enough to bother with.

    • Senior Attorney

      I have had some success with the free books. I like to read a couple of no-brainer books every month.

Back to Top

About

Work with Corporette®

Serious Stuff

work fashion blog press mentions