Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Belted Wool-Crepe Midi Dress

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1. This is a delicate ask, but can the Hive recommend some resources on how to “check your privilege”? My boyfriend grew up weathly, and I did too, but my family lost everything during the Recession and his did not. He didn’t even really realize it was happening. 2008 was just another year to him. He doesn’t understand why people live paycheck to paycheck (I think upwards of 70% in America), why people have credit card debt, etc. He just doesnt get it. Can anyone recommend any podcasts or books I could get for him? He is learning and absorbing a lot from what I have told him, and he wants to work on this blind spot.

   1. I don’t think he needs a book to learn about it. Of course it’s fine for you to make him aware of others situations, but I’d be pretty annoyed if my SO asked me to read a book about “why people have credit card debt.” I know why. It’s bad circumstances or bad decisions or a combo of both. This doesn’t mean I don’t empathize with some of these people, but I don’t think credit card debt is desirable and I don’t know why I should have to spend time reading about the why.

      1. Maybe to develop empathy?

   2. It’s great he recognizes his blindspot as a problem. But tbh I don’t think listening to podcasts or reading books is going to make him really get it. He needs to actually know people who don’t have all the money in the world. Make friends outside of his bubble. Is he open to volunteering? Maybe something like Boys & Girls Club or Habitat for Humanity?

      Also – does he have a budget? How financially savvy is he? Maybe as an experiment he can try to live for a month on a normal take-home pay.

      1. +1 THIS

         I think books and podcasts are great but that won’t necessarily give you the perspective that talking to an actual human will give you. It also could humanize certain issues that he has this blind spot for thus leading to more empathy/perspective.

         I think it’s awesome he wants to learn more/get out of his bubble. This sort of stuff takes time and patience.

      2. Yes. I think you really have to experience it or at the very least know someone who is experiencing it to understand it.

         Maybe just do some basic math for him? What does someone working for minimum wage make in a month? How much is average rent in your city?

         Also seeing suggestions below for Nickel and Dimed. Excellent book on this issue.

   3. I guess this is decades of being oblivious?

      Did he never work as a teen or college student (in which case, your co-workers may have this as their real job, paying adult bills with it)?

      Or supervise people or have to do any hiring (so dealing with the salaries of others)?

      Private school/college all the way (but did he not notice the janitorial staff or kitchen workers?)?

      Asking b/c while I grew up not poor but blue collar (so paycheck to paycheck, as was the case with all of my friends), I am rich now and don’t want my kids to be like this.

   4. Read the book Hillbilly Elegy. See if an organization in your city offers a poverty simulation.

   5. Has he read the book Nickle and Dimed? It’s not about the recession but about the working poor. The author puts herself in the position of someone working various low end jobs and describes her experience.
      Your DH is not alone. Several of my coworkers worked at my company throughout the recession. Our company was insulated from the recession due to our industry, and to this day they’re not even aware of the hardships of most people went through. I don’t know that they’ll ever really know. When I share stories of how hard I struggled to find a job during the time, they’re mystified and think I’m just sharing cute “back in my day I had to walk to school uphill both ways” type anecdotes.

      1. Was going to recommend Nickle and Dimed. Grew up in a very wealthy community, Nickle an Dimed was on the summer reading list one year in HS. Very good read.

      2. Also Evicted. I would actually not recommend Hillbilly Elegy. It’s well written but I think a lot of the underlying analysis is wrong, and it doesn’t really get at the question the OP is interested in (it leans much more on cultural causes and less on the wearying grind of living in poverty).

         1. +1 on Hillbilly Elegy. I consider myself pretty aware of my privilege and knowledgeable about the concepts and did not find that this book presented a particularly insightful, compassionate, or helpful discussion. It’s more voyeuristic than analytical. Also, the effects of generational poverty and privilege are overlapping, but different concepts.

            Nickle and Dimed is interesting and might be particularly useful because it’s told from a perspective that’s likely closer to your SO’s.

   6. Honestly, I think this is an empathy issue more than a failure to understand. Logically it’s not hard to understand how some people have bigger bills than income, even many people who literally only spend on the necessities. He is either being purposefully obtuse, or is putting a value judgment on someone’s earning power, which just isn’t right. Being poor is an economic state not a moral one. I think your conversation needs to go deeper than talking budgets, but you may want to start there.

      1. +1 to all of this, but especially “Being poor is an economic state not a moral one.”

   7. This quiz was really interesting, although not exactly what you’re asking for. https://www.pbs.org/newshour/economy/do-you-live-in-a-bubble-a-quiz-2

      1. I know I live in a pretty big bubble, but my score on that quiz is skewed entirely by how much I eat at Waffle House…

   8. Nickled and Dimed in America is great. But the important part is that he listens.

   9. Why are you trying to solve this problem for him? If he cares about checking his privilege, let him do the legwork. I’m glad he seems to be listening to you, but taking on this role sounds exhausting. I would also be wondering what other issues he’ll expect you to educate him about.

      1. +1

         Also it doesn’t really sound like OP is the best person to explain this anyway. Ok, so your family got hit by the recession. That doesn’t mean you know anything about poverty, let alone inter-generational poverty and the systematic issues that cause it.

         1. Yes, this. Inter-generational poverty is not the same thing as privilege. The concepts are different. Also, “privilege” as used in this context =/= “having money or material possessions.” Honestly, he can probably google and figure out some of the basics. When you google “how can I check my privilege,” a pretty good, easily accessible article from Every Day Feminism pops up.

            I mean, not to be rude, but how can a person be so oblivious they weren’t even aware a global economic meltdown was occurring?

   10. I second the rec for Hillbilly Elegy. It was a great look at some of the hurdles people who grow up truly disadvantaged face. I think your partner should absolutely learn to treat those who are less fortunate truly struggling with grace. That being said the issue of Americans living paycheck to paycheck is not always clear cut. 25% of households making more than $150k / year live paycheck to paycheck and I personally think these folks are the masters of their own destiny so to speak.

       I do think however that personal finance is absolutely a subject that should be taught in school – I know Home Ec has fallen out of favor but these kinds of life skills are still important (how to open a bank account, how to do your taxes, financing alternatives for household purchases etc)

       1. I actually think Hillbilly Elegy could have the opposite effect. I can see someone who lives in a bubble reading that book and thinking, “Well, he pulled himself up by the bootstraps, so why can’t everyone else?” It’s a fascinating read and I enjoyed it a lot, though.

          (Totally agree that everyone would benefit from personal finance classes at a much younger age!)

          1. see, I read it differently – I read it more as how insanely hard it was for him to pull himself up by his bootstraps – he did it, but there’s no way most people good (and he had structural advantages that made it easier than for some people around him)

             1. And yet, the author is so judgmental about people who don’t bootstrap themselves up– I sort of get the cognitive dissonance, but that judgment isn’t explored at all in the book and therefore the “it’s so insanely hard, let’s have some compassion/make some structural changes” message doesn’t really get through.

   11. If he wants have him read Nickled and Dimed or books
       Like it https://www.goodreads.com/book/similar/1840613-nickel-and-dimed-on-not-getting-by-in-america

       The Live Below the Line Project is an easy read you can find some coverage here https://m.huffpost.com/us/topic/live-below-the-line

       A lower impact place to start is watching a documentary https://www.google.com/amp/www.pbs.org/independentlens/blog/ten-documentaries-about-poverty-and-power/amp/

       https://www.google.com/amp/theweek.com/articles-amp/741727/american-savings-crisis-explained

   12. https://everydayfeminism.com/2015/07/what-checking-privilege-means/

       Also I respect the quest for knowledge here. NPR can be a good source for pod casts

2. I want to get a footrest to use under my desk so I can break my bad-posture habit of sitting with my knees crossed all day, every day. Anyone have a particular footrest style they like? I am fascinated by the ones that look like a half moon bolster pillow.

   1. See if your office will order one. If you don’t care as much about the appearance of it, many office supply catalogs have tilted/adjustable ones that are helpful. They look like a big flat tray that your feet can go on, and you can adjust the tilt of it.

      1. My office will order any footrest I want and there are just too many options! Was hoping someone here has a favorite so I can be lazy and just order that one.

         1. Following – I could use something like this that doesn’t have too large of a footprint.

   2. There are some out there with heaters? Are you always cold at your desk?
      I inherited one I don’t use, because I’m tall and always warm, but former coworker loved it.

3. For those of you who buy jewelry on Etsy, how do you make sure you aren’t getting scammed? I’m looking at jewelry with unusual stones- tourmaline, alexandrite, london blue topaz, black diamond- and there are a ton of options on Etsy in designs and price ranges that are better than what I’ve seen elsewhere, but I’m worried about people trying to pass off cheaper materials as the real stones.

   1. It’s a $30 necklace. I don’t really care if it’s real as long as it’s pretty.

      1. This. Etsy isn’t the place to buy fine jewelry, but it’s fine for novelty.

   2. it’s a tough one. My first stop is to just ask ‘ is this a genuine stone or a created one?’ I find if you ask a direct question 90% of people are honest.
      After that, you can get a good sense from other things they sell, and on whether the price is in the usual range of other etsy items.
      hope it helps

   3. There are a lot of scams on Etsy unfortunately. A lot of the things are not even handmade anymore and they don’t police it. Read about the vendor and satisfy yourself whether they seem trustworthy.

   4. I got a minors in Jewelry/crafts in Undergrad, and we had these gem sellers come by about twice a semester. They would sell fancy rocks and stones for bottom dollar pricing. If you look on websites like RioGrand, or others, jewelry designers can get really inexpensive, but real rocks, because the markup is almost always in the setting. And, if you know what you are doing, you can make a setting even out of precious metals such as silver, for really good prices. I bought lots of Tourmaline, alexanderite, even opals, etc for less than $5 back then. I would get grab bags of weird rocks for a dollar. I loved shopping those sales.

      So, do not be put off by decent prices. I would look at the seller’s reviews, and the pictures very carefully. If its really handmade, there will be some imperfections.

      Beware though, because the biggest sellers on Etsy are often straight from china. I would avoid a lot of sponsored listings or any sellers that haven’t sold many items.

4. This is long, but I really need help on dealing with my boyfriend’s family. He’s the only child of divorced parents. His mom is incredibly overbearing and they have an overly codependent relationship. She routinely books one-way tickets to visit him/us and will stay for 2 weeks at a time with no end date. She is constantly pressuring me about getting married, grills me on how many kids I will have (as if I 100% control that type of thing), and told me that she would never allow me to divorce him. She said she can only sleep when he is around (so she can’t sleep in her state, but sleeps great in our city because he is there with her). She keeps saying shes’ going to move up to our city so she can raise our grandchildren, that apparently I’m supposed to be popping out soon (I’m 29 and we’ve been dating for 2.5 years). I’m used to all this now and kind of tune her out, but now there’s a bigger issue.

   The big issue now is I learned yesterday that boyfriend’s mom and her sister (boyfriends aunt) are moving boyfriend’s cousin (22 year old girl/recent college grad) up to our city and forcing boyfriend to live in an apartment with her for at least the next year. They’re moving her from small rural town to our city to force her to “make good decisions.” She has no job, no career plan, and really no drive. Boyfriend is now in charge of finding her a career plan and is expected to consider law, nursing, accounting, other grad programs in the area and set her up with any pre-req classes at the local college, etc. Aunt is willing to pay for the apartment, and aunt also gives boyfriend and his mom each $1000 a month to basically deal with her and the rest of the family. We are both lawyers and have advised aunt that cousin should not go to law school (or do any graduate program) without having some work experience first and making sure it’s what he really wants to do. Cousin does not want to do any of this, but is 100% reliant upon boyfriend for everything. He writes her papers for college, takes off work to entertain her when she’s on spring break and comes to our city, is her only social contact, etc.

   I told boyfriend’s mom that 22-year olds should really focus on finding friends their own age and live with other girls her age, but boyfriend’s cousin is “painfully introverted” and will only live with a relative because she hates meeting people and talking to people. I’ve met her several times and this isn’t really the case -boyfriend’s cousin loves going out, partying, etc. and I think just hasn’t had the chance to be on her own because she lived at home while going to her small, christian college in a rural area. When I told boyfriends mom that your early 20s is the best time to find yourself, make mistakes, figure out what it’s like to be on your own and shared my story of working through law school etc.- she told me that in her family they don’t mistakes and cousin will only get money if she does what the family approves of. I told her that maybe she should let cousin make her own money and figure out what she likes doing, and she said absolutely not, we will pay her to do what we want her to do. Additionally boyfriends mom said that I must be cousin’s mentor because she wants her to be like me and that being around me will be a good influence on her. I would be 100% OK with that if she actually needed and wanted help, but she’s spoiled, has no drive, and is not really a good person.

   I’m against this whole situation and what it means for me and my boyfriends relationship in the short term (we had been planning on living together when one of our leases was up), but now I am seriously considering if I can handle being in a family that is this controlling and toxic long-term. I have repeatedly told him he needs to set better boundaries with his mom (when he was telling her too much about our relationship, answering the phone to talk at all hours of the night), but she is manipulative and guilts him into things because “she gave up everything for him” and and also uses her disability to guilt him. This whole thing cousin living situation thing though has crossed the line and I just don’t know what to do. I’m going to recommend he get therapy (again) to deal with this, but I dont know what it means moving forward. I don’t want to be involved with people so controlling and manipulative and I certainly dont want my future potential children being around people like this. I disagree with these actions from a values perspective, but also don’t like the effect it’s going to have on my relationship. What do I do?

   1. Just, no to all of this. Get out of there yesterday.

      1. 100%. None of this sounds normal or easily curable because BF seems incapable or unwilling to set normal boundaries. Run run run away from this relationship/family. Marrying this man means accepting this dynamic for 30+ years OR fighting against it while dragging along a reluctant husband for the same duration.

      2. +1 million. Don’t sign up for crazy when you see it coming. It’s one thing if you already got into this mess, had kids and a life together, etc., but you’re dating, you haven’t moved in, just cut your losses. This is what dating is for – to figure out what you’re willing to live with. From this description I’d run far far far away.

      3. Exactly.

         You cannot marry this man. Part of the marriage vows are to forsake all others. If this man is not willing to put you first, he’s not husband material.

         Not kidding, I told FH within a week of starting to date that I expected him to be reasonable to my family and friends; I would do my best to get along with his; but I expect crap would be shut down.

         I also *ruthlessly* shut down crap from “my side”. Oh, you think it’s totes funny to hit on me, ask me out, or imply that my relationship wasn’t real because it was long distance? Find a new friend, because you’ve just been drop-kicked to the curb. Want to tell me that you will steamroll over my fiance’s decisions regarding our wedding? Then I am prepared to pay for it ourselves, even if that means tea and cake in the church, because my first act as a newlywed is NOT going to be allowing my family to steamroll marital decision-making.

   2. You lost me at “she’s forcing boyfriend to live with cousin.” Nobody can force a grown man to do anything. You have a boyfriend problem, not a MIL problem. Break up. It will only get worse if you marry him and have children.

      1. This is also where I stopped reading. Boyfriend needs to put up serious boundaries ASAP. But in any case, you should run far away.

      2. This. This is not an aunt or MIL problem. It’s a BF who does whatever mommy says regardless of what plans you have made together. He is not going to change.

         Aunt: cousin will live with you
         BF: NO.
         Aunt/Mom: but reasons
         BF: No

         Like it’s not that hard. They will be unhappy with him. Everyone will survive. But he’s not doing that. He’s telling you that he is a person that will always but these relatives first. Believe him and move on.

   3. I think it’s fine to run if BF seems unable/unwilling to tighten the boundaries.

      OTOH, plenty of people choose normal people from abnormal families (I thank g-d that my cousin, the child of an abusive alcoholic and a co-dependent hoarder has a lovely wife who took a chance on dating him when they were both 18 and in college (with families an hour a way); they are in their 50s now and still happily together (and his crazy family is still nearby)).

   4. For pity’s sake, get out now. Family interference will only get worse if you marry–and it will never end if you bring children into this dysfunctional snarl. Your boyfriend’s lack of boundaries are the red flag here. How does his mother and aunt “force him” to live with his female cousin for the next year? No, he is accepting the situation–and the $1,000 monthly payment–and fully participating.

   5. Run? Run fast and don’t look back? Sorry, I just do not see how this can get better as you and your partner BOTH seem entirely too accommodating of this level of crazy. This is not normal and I’d get some therapy for YOU to help you understand again what normal boundaries are.

   6. I don’t say this lightly, but save yourself! Get out of this crazy family and don’t look back! If you want more detailed advice, I’d highly suggest browsing the archives of the Captain Awkward website. Your boyfriend is making his problem into your problem, and that’s not a healthy foundation for a happy relationship. You can’t fix it alone, and it sounds like your boyfriend is not really invested in doing his own emotional work. Don’t do it for him. Save yourself!

   7. I was fine until reading that he “writes her papers for college.” I agree with the 9:51 post that you should run if he’s unable or unwilling to tighten the boundaries. It sounds like he is. He’s literally helping her cheat.

   8. I’m sorry. Break up. This is insane. BF is showing you, loud and clear, that he will give into his mother’s whims and demands regardless of the consequences.

   9. You don’t have a family-in-law problem you have a boyfriend problem. He needs to take ownership of his decisions. He is choosing to go along with whatever mom says because it’s easier for him than conflict with his mom. He doesn’t care how badly it affects you; all that matters to him is he doesn’t have mom complaining at him. If he’s not going to stand up for you about small things then he won’t stand up for you about big things.

      The whole cousin situation… you realize no one can “force” BF to move right? And no one can “force” BF to accept money from aunt? If BF goes along with this insane situation then break up with him. You do not agree to become the overbearing parental figure to a grown woman.

      1. Yes. His mom/aunt/cousin are clearly all crazy, but that would not be a problem if your boyfriend weren’t going along with it. I feel for him; given his family background, he probably needs a lot of therapy. But unless he’s willing to start getting it, and also start standing up to his family, you need to break it off.

         It’s bad enough now. If you actually had kids together, it would be a thousand times worse. Please, please don’t put yourself through that.

      2. +1

         Your bf is _agreeing_ to move in with his cousin, not being forced to. Also, if he voluntarily writes his cousin’s papers for her, it sounds to me like he’s participating in this craziness pretty fully, and not being dragged into it at all. This is never going to improve.

      3. +3. He is choosing to move in with his cousin instead of moving in with you. I think that says way too much about how big a priority you aren’t for him compared to pleasing his family.

   10. Honestly, are you a troll? I have a hard time believing this situation even happened, much less that you haven’t dumped the bf already because of it.

       1. Agreed. He writes her paper? Lolz. Nope.

   11. If you continue with this relationship, you are signing up for a life of constant stress. The stress will never end if you are in this relationship. If you were to have children, you would be doing the same for them. Quite frankly, I would think life is stressful enough without adding this clusterf$&@ to it. But you know you, and I don’t know you. Consider you future carefully. Unless you thrive on stress and drama, get out.

   12. Break up immediately. Your boyfriend is your problem here and he can be solved. This will never change.

   13. Yeah, I had a BF who was super close with his dad. We were even engaged when I had my wakeup moment. Dad didn’t work, they talked on the phone every day. BF wouldn’t watch movies unless dad watched them too. BF didn’t have a large friend base so he relied on talking to his dad about most friend things, which really got to be a problem when we had relationship issues. BF was getting a master of architecture, but instead of going out there and getting that internship, BF’s plan was to move back in with parents and see what happened. He ended up working at toys-r-us. I just couldn’t stomach the thought of living in the same house with these people, especially when he had no drive or motivation to do something else.

       On one hand, I am from a rural area, and now living in the city of my dreams, thanks to a friend who let me and my bf room with him to save money and get started. In this way, I think the cousin moving in is very noble! However, it doesn’t seem like the cousin wants to do any of this, and your BF shouldn’t be responsible. I wanted to move to a city to get the career of my dreams…. you have to have motivation to do this.

       I realize you probably love this guy, and maybe you are dealing with some issues of being in a relationship with someone for 2+ years, and its often hard to imagine a life without this guy. However, if you can’t deal with having this woman in your life 24/7, because she will move in with you if you have a kid, then you need to seriously consider ending this relationship. You are 29, you have plenty of time to find someone else, someone better, someone who can be your partner instead of his mom’s best friend.

   14. OMG. I cannot fathom this ….get out NOW. Why is your BF writing reports for the Cousin and babysitting her?
       Is he also getting paid to do this? Why doesn’t he refuse?

   15. What the actual F. I’m almost never on board with the DTMFA comments I read on here, but seriously do not put up with this any longer. The issue is less his family and more how he handles them. Unless you’re okay with this only getting worse over time (or at best staying the same) do not proceed. I dumped someone like this 10 years ago after a 6 year relationship and it was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.

   16. I am appalled by the whole thing but especially that boyfriend is writing papers for the cousin. As a professor, I have an immediate visceral reaction to that.

       On all other fronts (if this is not a troll – which I somewhat doubt) I can’t understand why you’ve put up with this so far. Sounds like an awful life.

   17. FMIL, 24 replies, and you’ve achieved Corpor*tte consensus–a rarity! I’ll be the 25th to chime in. Run, don’t walk.

   18. Thank you all so much for your advice! I think I just needed to hear it from some internet strangers to validate my gut reaction to the situation. We’re talking about everything tonight (I feel like he at least deserves to know how I feel about this and give him an opportunity to respond/make a dramatic change), so will give an update on what happens later.

       1. Please follow up! I am worried about your willingness to let him respond/”change.” He’s in his 30’s, yes? If he was uncomfortable with his family’s demands, he has had PLENTY of time to actually make that change. He’s shown you his choice.

   19. RUN.

       Or accept that you will deal with this until she dies, and then you will deal with her ghost/legacy. Forever.

       Is it worth being in a relationship with your boyfriend when you know you will always be second to his mother?

5. I am finding that I can no longer eat high-salt foods (e.g., Chinese food, some Italian food) b/c I bloat up like h*ll after and am uncomfortable and swollen. [Sort of a junior version of how you swell up when you’re pregnant.]

   And beer is now disagreeing with me, too (maybe it’s the salty food that comes with beer?).

   But I feel like this didn’t used to happen.

   Weight and blood pressure are normal, not really that different than my 20s/30s. But it’s like I’m reduced to a diet of yogurt, oatmeal, salads, roasted veggies, and plain roasted meats. I guess worse things can happen, but I do love all of the foods, not just the limited menu that my children insist on :(

   1. Are you Celiac? The “safe” foods you listed are all gluten free. I’d get tested for gluten intolerance.

      1. 100% not celiac (my ability to eat tons of French bread with butter is not impacted at all).

         The loss of Chinese food makes me want to weep (and a tiny portion really doesn’t make me happy at all — it is like teasing).

         1. Also: the Chinese food I eat should have been fine for celiac purposes (or fine for someone that wheat doesn’t bother generally — triscuits and bread are OK; as is pasta but how can you find a low-salt sauce unless you are doing it home-made all the time and never eating out?).

   2. I hear you. Apparently my body has become bougie. I haven’t been able to drink mass produced, particularly light, beer since I was in my mid-20s; something about it makes me bloat like crazy. I started noticing it with Miller Light but now even ShockTop upsets my system. Local craft beers, though, no problem. Oh and I could drink Guinness abroad, but not at home. Same with food; I can’t eat cheap processed junk food anymore. Chinese and Italian are good examples. I can have real Italian/Chinese food at a nice restaurant, but I can’t have the cheap takeout/frozen stuff anymore.

      I have a feeling it might have to do with preservatives, but I’m not really sure. It could be salt too I guess.

   3. I have no idea, but this is really me these days. I’m 36 and oh.my.gosh. the BLOAT! Anytime I eat anything other than clean, home-cooked meals, I look 4 months pregnant. (Thankfully, my body does seem able to still tolerate homemade desserts ;) )

   4. I remember my parents always remarking “I don’t know how you kids can eat pizza this late in the evening – I’d be up all night!” And I remember rolling my eyes and thinking, old people.

      And now that’s me. If I eat pizza I am up all night with heartburn and indigestion.

      Getting old sucks.

   5. The salt thing might be MSG sensitivity. It’s in a ton of Chinese food.

   6. ALSO: I can’t eat a big meal late in the day (or I can’t sleep — food baby gets in the way or else the reflux will).

      And by late in the day, I mean after 5.

      So, it’s early bird special for me or for all of the fancy steak dinners with clients, it’s a fancy app, a fancy salad, and some sparking water with a twist of lime. Not pregnant, not a teetotaler, not on a diet; JUST OLD.

   7. This could be MSG. I also cannot consume added MSG (for other reasons besides bloating) but its sneakily in tons of frozen foods / snack foods / stuff like cheap chinese food etc. I try to stick to frozen foods from trader joes and watch out for cheap snacks/ sausage / beef jerky etc.

      1. The MSG thing is a racist lie that was created in the 60s. Listen to this: http://www.sporkful.com/this-podcast-contains-msg/

   8. Could it be that the oil content is high? I still can eat Chinese, but need to ask for low oil preparations and skip the oily dipping sauce. With pizza, try blotting the oil.

6. Has anyone had success transitioning from law to healthcare administration? I’m currently in transactional law and interested in moving to more of a management position in a hospital. Did you do additional education to make the transition?

   1. First question, do you work in or know anything about healthcare law or management? You are a long way from healthcare administration if not. Hospitals much rather hire from a healthcare background, that’s why you see a lot of former doctors with MBAs in high up healthcare administration. Can you see if you can make your way into a transactional practice at a large hospital system to see if you even like the industry? Some hospitals will hire out of law firms from a general transactional practice. I attempted to make a similar transition and found that I actually hated health law and the personalities that come with it (doctors are a whole other breed of personality to work with).

      1. +1. Have you worked on any healthcare deals? Understanding the regulatory and reimbursement landscape matters as well. And yes, doctors can be difficult at times to deal with, both as clients and employees.

   2. A colleague did this about two years ago, but he had a strong healthcare transactional and regulatory background from practicing healthcare M&A.

      I am not sure what your experience is with healthcare, but if you haven’t been in the weeds with it during your transactions, the learning curve might be too steep to go directly into admin (though the need for that knowledge may vary with what you actually do at the admin. job). It doesn’t mean you couldn’t pursue it through some kind of bridge, like an MHA or an MBA with a HC concentration, but you will likely need some sort of background in the healthcare space to get in the door.

   3. Do you work at a firm or in-house? I made the transition from biglaw healthcare transactional to in-house at a hospital system. I am legal counsel there, but my role varies so much, from not only advisor and contract negotiator, but also to a business decision maker. While I will probably remain in the legal counsel tract here, I appreciate the variety and that we are part of the administration. I know this is not exactly what you asked . . .

      If you are looking at other types of administrative roles, I think the organization would typically want to see some training or certification in that area (e.g., managed care, finance, operations, risk management).

   4. No, but I’m an MHA who works as a hospital admin – if you want to actually move into hospital management, and not just work as an attorney for a hospital/health care system, then you’ll probably need to go back and get your MHA, which would take a couple of years depending on the program. MHA programs are usually pretty accommodating to people who are working professionals, and there were a few lawyers in my program, so you could do it part-time, although it might be kind of a slog.

      Do you have any friends or colleagues in the field? Healthcare administration is a pretty vast field, and one person’s “hospital management” job could look *totally* different than another, so I would definitely do a lot of informational interviews (including understanding the salaries that will come with jobs you’ll be eligible for) before making the switch.

   5. I am a “recovering attorney” currently working in a labor relations role in healthcare. While I’m not currently in healthcare administration, it’s been a really great way to learn about various admin roles, and it’s not uncommon for former attorneys to start in my department and move into administration, sometimes even without an MHA or MBA (very relationship-driven org).

7. Shop for me, fashion mavens?

   I need a stylish shirt to wear under a black pants suit this Thursday, so something I can get quickly. I look best in jewel tones. I need something that is polished and professional, but also has personality. I basically live in buttondowns, and everything I’ve tried on from my closet is snooze-worthy. I need to stand out, in a good way.

   TIA

   1. This probably isn’t the most “stylish” thing I own, but I just got the INC Twist Front Asymmetrical Top in the shade “bright blue” and totally love it. It’s a really pretty jewel tone blue that makes my eyes pop. Wearing it today with black pants and a grey pinstripe jacket.

   2. Banana Republic has some pretty blouses available in store. I like this green one, but they have a plenty of other colors and fabrics right now:

      https://bananarepublic.gap.com/browse/product.do?cid=1056194&pcid=5037&vid=1&pid=360963002

8. Friend has invited me and daughter to a secretkeepet show. I looked it up and it looks like a show focused on teaching modesty? I’m wondering whether the antifeminist aspect of that never sank in, as my friend is a kick-ss Corp exec and we are both on liberal Christian’s attending a progressive church. Has anyone been to this show and can tell me their thoughts? I’m all for girls not becoming too sexualized too early on in their lives, but I think the 90s purity movement in churches was actually damaging for me personally so I don’t want to expose my girl to that same message.

   1. I haven’t been to this program, but just browsing the website, I would not allow my daughter to attend. Definitely looks like a lot of emphasis on learning about “modesty”– this reminds me way too much of my own childhood and I remember my self confidence plummeting when I started worrying about being “modest.” I say trust your gut and decline the invitation.

      1. I agree with this weirdness about my own childhood, but I’m having trouble articulating why it is so weird – is it because the emphasis is on girls always having to worry about how others perceive them on this superficial level (whereas teen/tween boys don’t have to worry about looks except for the occasional zit)?

   2. I can’t speak to this organization specifically, but a glance through their website shows that they center modesty around the idea of showing your body only to your husband. This is some real purity culture bee ess, imo. It’s gross. If you don’t want your kid dressing age inappropriately, I think that’s a conversation that’s very, very different than “your future husband owns your body.”

      1. +1

         Modesty and age appropriate clothing is fine. The purity culture/ your value is defined by who/how many men have seen you or touched you aspect is not fine.

   3. IDK, never heard of it

      Would expect my daughters (and sons, but I only have daughters) to take fashion advice from What Not To Wear, Tim Gunn, Project Runway, me, their Nana, and no one else.

      OTOH, they can just see the weird rapey ads in W and Kardashians on insta and decide that maybe a lot of nekkid with vacant eyes isn’t quite the look they want to go for.

   4. I applaud your intention not to expose your daughter to the hypersexualization of our society too early, but yeah, that program sounds like a bad fit.

   5. “Thanks but absolutely not.”

      1. Why say this when a “No thanks” is sufficient? It’s an odd tone to take with a friend.

      2. As a I noted before, this is a friend, not just some random acquaintance. And just so you know how this came up, she noted that her daughter saw a commercial for it and was interested in it and they both went together a couple of years ago and it involved singing, skits, etc. She made it sound like a fun, mother-daughter event and not like a brainwashing seminar. She obviously views is really different from my view, so anything I say to her will be perceived as criticism of her view and she will definitely take it personally so I’m wondering what do say and how to say it.

   6. The name is creepy – what are they pressuring young girls to keep a secret about? But I did go to the website and yeah, seems shamey in the same way. There’s a big quote splashed on that site that says, “It is a fun way to give our daughters’ hearts another layer or protection from future pain by planting scriptural truths in their hearts today,” which says all you need to know about that. Also, the fashion is hokey and too childish for the upper range of their demographic.

      1. The idea that “purity” is a way to protect girls from heartbreak is just a different way to sell the same old s*x-shaming bill of goods. I was raised with purity culture too – fortunately I had a mom who was, although a devout Christian, a former s*x ed teacher. She taught me that God’s plan for my life was that I make safe, healthy choices and only do what I wanted to do. She taught me that I was made in God’s image, independently valuable and worthwhile, and that my worth in the eyes of God had nothing to do with the s*x I did or didn’t have.

         The result? I became s*xually active later than my friends, have literally never had unsafe/unprotected s*x, have never had an STD, and I don’t look back on any of my s*xual choices with shame or regret. I’ve also had very few partners, although I 100% believe that your number of partners isn’t very relevant as long as it’s a number you’re comfortable with.

   7. I just hate the entire idea that this is a girls only issue. What about the boys?

      Gross. Just gross.

      1. The boys don’t need a seminar — they aren’t at risk of lace leggings or “dresses” that barely cover their butts.

         [I’d like some boys and men to go to a seminar on how to wear your jeans above your butt though. Why will that style not die?!]

         1. Yuck to your sentiment. Why aren’t these same groups offering seminars to boys on enthusiastic consent or girls aren’t here for your pleasure? You seem to think the problem is lace leggings. I hope you don’t have daughters. Or sons, for that matter.

         2. …..”at risk” of lace leggings? Like in the same way we are all at risk of being bombarded by FLEECE TIGHTS every winter, with no where to hide from their interminable presence until spring has reached every corner of the US, brainwashed through repetition into accepting their virtue, or what, exactly? Struggling to see how you can be at risk of a particular garment.

            I’m being glib but I do have a point… the clothing is not a risk. (The website stupidly says something to the effect of mascara and training bras being among the “danger zones” of being a girl…) Hyper-focus on clothing will not help anyone mature and make healthy decisions about their s3xuality. Which is something that boys and girls need to learn how to do. Modesty/purity culture maintains the narrative that girls’ s3xuality is for men’s consumption and must be regulated appropriately.

         3. FWIW, I took Anonymous’ comment to be sarcasm.

      2. Good point – I did not think about that. And she and I both have boys too. As I wrote above (in moderation), she thought of this as a fun mother-daughter bonding thing. Like going to see the Annie musical or something like that. It’s the weird modesty thing and the purity thing (which is a slipper slope into slut shaming I think) that bothers me.

   8. I live in the SEUS (but in a city, not in a very bible-belty area).

      My plan is to go all-out preppy starting in middle school (we have uniforms before that). They get all of the LL Bean / Vineyard Vines / Lilly Pulitzer they want. Feeling fortunate that that sort of thing is cool here (and the bonus is that people from 5-55 wear it).

      1. Oh yeah cause that crowd never has any s 3 x related issues or peer pressure…?

         1. Right? It’s just so vile to read comments like this.

            1. I am not the Anonymous above, but I think her point is: clothes shopping for teen girls is tough; a lot of stores don’t have good options; and if she’s in fashionable, preppy wear, then all the stupid stuff (are the shorts too short? Are crop tops acceptable? Are these straps thick enough? etc) are non-issues.

               Then it’s not about “modesty” or body-shaming or worrying about your 14 year old girl not dressed in an age-appropriate manner.

   9. “Thank you for the invite, but after some reading up on the organization this doesn’t really sound like the message I want to send my daughter about her body, so we’re going to pass.”

      If she pushes back or asks why you won’t come, or accuses you of not being open minded, say your decision is final and not up for discussion.

      1. This is a friend though. This is a bit of a tone to take with one.

         1. Uh, no it’s not. Nothing about that statement is mean or rude. If you can’t be honest about this with your friend, then you’ve got other issues.

         2. Eh, in my circle of friends, what you call a ‘tone’ would be completely fine, people being honest with each other. The OP said that she knows the inviting friend to be a liberal overachiever, who potentially hadn’t realized the event’s ideological bent. If it were me, I’d appreciate my friend not only declining, but signaling ‘hey, did you know that this is a weird puritanical brainwash thing?’.

            1. +1

      2. I think that’s a great script. I would give a friend at least some explanation instead of saying “no thanks,” especially since it sounds the friend may not quite realize what she’s signed up for. It’s not taking a “tone” to say why you aren’t doing something.

         1. I guess I could see how it might come across as judgmental or passive aggressive though, so maybe it isn’t the perfect way to explain it. I really do think a casual, matter of fact “thanks for including us, but this isn’t really our thing” approach works best. OP shouldn’t feel like she needs to sugarcoat it or make up an excuse.

            1. Okay, this I think strikes the right tone. I don’t want to give her any hope that we will want to go anytime in the future (friend told me she went once a couple of years ago but this time her daughter is showing more interest in it). But what if she follows up and asks why it’s not “our thing”? Then what do I say (without trying to over-explain or go into feminist rage mode)?

            2. “I just don’t really have any interest in it, thanks for thinking of us though!”

      3. Thank you for your suggested language. So this other mom is a friend since college and I am worried that if I say the wrong thing to her, it could potentially make our relationship weird, which I would like to avoid obviously. We live in a very liberal west coast city and neither of us have girls who are flirty or overly into that stuff – they are right at the cusp of entering into puberty and my girl lives in athletic clothes and is really into sports and not at all into boys so I’m actually less concerned about her modesty and more concerned about her growing up to be kind to others (not bullying and not being mean) and not being an entitled, spoiled person (always a concern when you live in an affluent suburb) and caring about others.

         But again, anything I say about this will seem weirdly judgmental to my friend so I’m almost tempted to just say we have other plans…

         1. You could just make other plans and then say you have a conflict, but she might keep inviting you (I don’t know how often these types of shows happen) or give you materials from the organization, you don’t want to keep smiling and nodding to be polite until you’re so fed up that you burst, and your honest opinion on this comes out in a far nastier way which will definitely strain the friendship.

            This might make things weird, but ultimately, you’re not going to raise your kids the exact same way, and you may run into a difference in opinion when it comes to parenting, it’s okay to have those differences! Someone who feels attacked because of how you’re raising your kid may not be a great friend.

            1. Worry about yourself – thank you for your advice and reassurance on this, and for your suggested language above. I think that’s probably the best approach to take since I definitely don’t want her to think I’d be willing to go in the future. I’d seriously rather go to one of those ’80s “Just say no [to drugs]” rallies than to go to someplace that makes girls feel like s3x is shameful and wrong and saving your v1rginity for your husband is your biggest gift. I believe there’s a male Christian author who was behind the men’s movement who has since said that he thinks that whole movement in the 90s did more harm than good.

            2. OP – Yes, the guy who wrote “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” (how many awful church meetings did I go to on that book???) has said that he believes the message of his own book was bad and screwed up him and other people.

   10. Oh, my God.
       I didn’t need to know this kind of thing existed.
       Keep your daughter far, far away from this kind of misogynistic BS. It will just teach her that her body is something to be ashamed of, and also that if she is sexually assaulted she is to blame.

9. I’ve been with my fiance for 7 years and love and respect him, but this weekend we moved out of an apartment and it really brought out the worst in both of us. This was our third move together and they’ve all been frustrating and stressful, but this one was worse. He kept over-promising and under-delivering: didn’t pack up his stuff until the night before, said he would sell pieces of furniture and then would stand the buyers up because he couldn’t leave work, was late to meet the movers because he had to have coffee, then left twice during the move itself to go get food (who needs TWO breakfasts?!?), refused to unpack a single box once the movers dropped everything off, etc. This all egged me on and I turned into a really nasty person. I assumed as though he was unable to do anything right and treated him like a child.

   I’m shocked at both of our behavior this past weekend. It’s like both of us unraveled and got worse instead of better as a team. Part of me thinks I should shrug it off and acknowledge next time that moving is just sucky, but another part of me is worried that this is a big flaw in our dynamic as a team. And then I spiral to thinking about all the team work kids require. Any insight? Basically looking for someone to say that their DH is horrible during moves but is a wonderful and supportive father.

   1. Not what you want to hear but I don’t think he’ll be a hands-on father. Parenthood is really stressful, just like moving, and sleep deprivation brings out the worst in everyone. You’ve seen the worst in him and you don’t like it.

      I married my DH because he was kind, funny, loving etc. I didn’t really think about how he handles stress or how he’d handle the nitty-gritty parts of parenthood. But now that we’re parents I’ve realized how crucial it is that he can plow through mundane chores calmly and efficiently. I really just got lucky – I had no idea how important that was – but it’s been a godsend. I spend most of the day with a baby on my breast and he just whizzes through chores, taking care of the dog, washing my pump parts, etc without thinking about himself or demanding a break. I definitely couldn’t do it without him and am so glad I don’t have to nag him to do stuff.

   2. Well… it sounds like your fiance is really resisting the new apartment / move for some reason. Is he afraid of committing to the next step in your relationship? Does he resent being asked to do the tasks you mentioned? Does he feel like you aren’t contributing or pulling your own weight? Does he feel like the new place is too expensive? No matter what, there is a deeper issue. Whatever it is, he needs to be able to talk to you about. If he can’t, well, you need to go to counseling or just break up now.

   3. I think some people have blind spots about certain life activities. For me it’s car maintenance. I’m so not a procrastinator in any other aspect of my life, but anything car related seems like this insurmountable task to me. For example, like 3 weeks ago a cold snap made the air pressure in my tires drop JUST enough to cause the tire pressure light to go on. Yeah that light is still on. I mean I have to get gas anyway I could take an extra 5 minutes and drive up to the air pump but then I’d have to go inside and get quarters and what if they don’t have quarters and there’s a gas station with a free air pump but it’s really out of the way and and and….

      You’ve been with this guy for 7 years. Is he generally an over-promising under-delivering manchild? Or does he have some sort of mental block about moving-related tasks? If it’s the latter, are you willing to accept that you’ll need to be basically 100% responsible for moving in the future?

      1. This was my SO the last time we moved (moved in together before marriage). He didn’t pack a THING, and refused to even buy enough boxes, so I spent all day packing him, driving to the new place, dumping his stuff, and driving back to his old place to do it all over again. We don’t have kids yet, but he’s great at the house renovations we’ve undertaken since then, he did his full share of the wedding planning, and he’s been responsible for a lot of travel arrangements. He’s been the one organizing the tile store trips, dealing with the contractors, and making design decisions, buying plane tickets, and dealing with the decisions and payments for his half of the wedding.

         I do think some people just aren’t good at moving. I, on the other hand, moved 18 times in the first 25 years of my life (including dorm moves), so I’m damn good at it.

      2. This. I think most people have life skills blind spots.

   4. I am horrible during moves and hope I am a wonderful, supportive mother. Moving house is for some reason the one task I absolutely cannot cope with mentally. I’ve been happily married for fourteen years, we have a ten year old daughter and we have weathered illness, bereavement, family stress with no problems. I can’t move house, he is incapable of planning a trip. We’ve all got problems!

      That being said, I am well aware that it is not a reasonable way to behave and have taken steps to mitigate that. If it is a case that moving is just not something he is capable of doing, I would expect him to own up to that pretty darn quick and to make plans for what he should do next time you move. Of course you broke and snapped at him if you were expected to do everything and he was actively hindering the process.

   5. We are obviously not hearing his side of things but his behavior sounds awful. Like, refusing to unpack a single box? What are you, his mommy? I certainly hope he doesn’t treat you this way in any other aspect of your lives together, but somehow I doubt it.

      I’ve moved with my husband a couple of times. Moving is stressful and for sure we snap at each other and disagree about how thing should go. But neither of us just abdicates responsibly and says “this is your deal.” I can’t even imagine being in a relationship like that.

   6. My DH is a nightmare to move with – procrastinates until literally the last day, refuses to pack anything in a box – but a wonderful, supportive partner and father. He gets our 18 m/o ready and out the door every morning, which is amazing to me since I can barely handle bedtime routine. Moving just brings out the worst in us (which is pretty unfortunate because we’ve been married 8 years and moved 7 times). We’re actually in therapy together now because of issues the most recent move brought up. All that to say – I’ve finally figured out that these issues are ones we can usually ignore when life is routine; they only come up when we move because moving is stressful and we’re misaligned on a few things. I don’t think your relationship is doomed or necessarily that you can never have kids. I do think it’s worth addressing your concerns with him once you’ve gotten over the emotions of it. Good luck! Moving sucks.

   7. You’ve been with this person 7 years, been living together for at least two to three years based on your history of 3 moves. You know if he’s normally this lazy or if this is just a frustration of moving. I mean seriously, if you’re worried about his adequacy as a husband and father because of severe laziness three times in seven years, there is something else going on. Are you afraid to commit your life to this guy? Are there other traits that you dislike that the move highlighted? You’re not going to move that many times in your life, if its literally only his behavior related to moves that are making you doubt, suck it up for the handful of times this may happen again in life, if that many – price of admission is a handful of super grumpy days. Not terrible all things considered.

      1. My husband generally dumps moves on me but really pulls his weight on the day to day scene with grocery shopping, food prep, etc. It’s weird how things fall out. He pays bills but I deal with moving, utility account connections, etc. He works a lot but somehow always saves the day if our teenager truly cannot get a science concept, etc. He will stay up all night re-learning how to name a chemical acid to help our daughter in a bind but was not even at home the last time a moving van arrived. Just not a priority for him. After 20 years of marriage, I feel like the division of labor is fairly equal but no single task is shared equally. In fact, we each tend to manage all parts of individual tasks.

         You know if things are fair overall. If he pulls his weight in other areas, I would probably overlook this. People just do not moved that frequently. And it’s always awful. You may feel lots better in a couple of weeks. :)

   8. I’m a raging psycho during moves but I’m also super apologetic after and really really try to make them go smoothly. With my best efforts I generally manage only one bout of crying. It’s fine to just know you guys are bad at A Thing I think, as long as you can communicate to each other about it and work together to manage the process.

   9. I think moving brings out anxiety in me unlike any other activity. I never moved in my whole life until I went to college and I moved every single year, since then. That was 10 years of moving. There are a lot of reasons why it upsets me, it messes with my schedule, I over plan, I have a love/hate relationship with getting rid of things, and one of the most important reasons is that I want to control everything, BUT i am not physically strong enough to do it all myself. I think the psychological stresser of “change” really gets to me hard, even if I want to move and am excited about it, any kind of big change can really make me anxious. I get angry when I am super anxious. It sounds like your boyfriend gets depressed and just can’t normally function.

      Me and my BF went through rough rough times when moving. He did some of the same things, like not packing until the day before, not following through with things, etc. Though, not as bad as your BF as described. If he doesn’t normally do this kind of stuff, like blowing off people for appointments, or eating two breakfasts when work needs to be getting done, then I wouldn’t worry about it.

      I would say, seriously, if you and your boyfriend are absolutely back to normal in a couple weeks and you have no other glaring issues in your relationship, then don’t worry about it. There are so many psychological issues that come up with moving that it can trigger anyone into acting like a crazy person.

   10. While I generally think you should believe people when they show you who they are, moving is a different animal. Some people procrastinate, others are organized. I think you need to work on your conflict resolution- it’s fine to get angry and have differences in how you handle things, but it sounds like you guys went off the rails. If it’s isolated to moving, fix that thing next time (figure out how to make it happen easier for you, I’m a big fan if Tasktabbits for a lot of attendant moving issues), if it’s more general, work on how you conflict and resolve things. If you can’t get to a good place there, then I’d reconsider things. Having a partner I can fight nicely with has made all the difference in the happiness level of my relationship.

   11. My DH is horrible during moves and is a wonderful and supportive husband and father.

       DH has been terrible at moves his entire adult life, starting with moving out of his dorm at the end of college (which I refused to help with). We have moved twice since then and have also packed up and stored half our house for a major renovation. DH has never packed or moved a box during those moves, including when I was pregnant and had to ask a friend to come over and move boxes and furniture to our garage so our contractor could begin renovations the next day. I’ve accepted this as the price of admission. We are moving sometime before the end of this year, and honestly, I just have extremely low expectations. I’ve talked to DH about how he needs to step up and participate in this move, and he’s agreed, but I’m prepared (emotionally, logistically) to do it myself.

       DH is a great husband. He’s supportive, funny, smart, and caring. He is an excellent father. He does at least 70% of the childcare, and he often takes on the hard stuff and leaves me the “fun” stuff. He has patience beyond belief, and he brings fun into the most mundane tasks. Our kid adores him. I love watching him be a father.

       Moving and raising children are different challenges, and your fiance s*cking during a move doesn’t mean he’s not a team player and he’s going to be a terrible father. So, while I think “spiraling” may be an overreaction, you could (once you both calm down) use this weekend to talk about how you communicate and handle conflict, which will have a huge impact on your marriage.

   12. A smooth move requires a ton of organization, not just being physically organized but mentally as well, and a lot of us just don’t have it in us. I mean, I had every intention of purging ALL the unnecessary things, packing everything into boxes according to room (with color coded packing tape) and function, with sharpie labels on everything, and lots of packing materials to protect the fragile stuff. It started out that way, and ended with me frantically stuffing miscellaneous belongings into whatever tote bag or box still had room, with tons of clutter still in my possession, and bags of stuff I still hadn’t taken to their respective dropoff/recycling locations.

       I do think that in some circumstances, it helps to hold someone accountable to what they said they’d do, especially when there’s an impact to you when the task isn’t done. And sometimes you have to know when to accept that things didn’t go as planned and let it go. But now that the move is over, I’d sit down with him and tell him what bothered you during the move, and the lingering concerns it left you with, like whether he’d be a reliable father or not.

   13. I’m the one who’s terrible at moves. This experience could be a really great opportunity for your relationship, if you handle it right. I think his reaction to your bringing it up (with kindness, owning your part, constructively, etc.) will tell you a whole lot more than the moving awful itself.

10. Any advice for dealing with a loved one dealing with alcoholism? My brother was hospitalized with alcohol withdrawal in the spring and advised not to drink another drop. Since then my family has completely looked the other way. This weekend he texted me (to thank me for some advice I don’t recall giving him) about narrowly avoiding a dwi. I told him to stop drinking and he freaked out. Later, my mom tracked me down to explain that he really didn’t do anything wrong. I told her he shouldn’t be drinking at all and that none of this is worth it. I’m just so freaked out and sad right now. I feel so powerless.

    1. UM, he shouldn’t be drinking AND DRIVING ever. What is wrong with your brother and your mom?!

       It’s too bad he didn’t get busted.

       Signed,
       Drunk drivers scare me

       1. Yeah. If it’s not evident from my comment I agree. This isn’t helpful though.

       2. Sympathies — it is hard to do the right thing (which you did); that is why so few people do it.

    2. You need to deliver a firm, clear, and consistent message: your brother is an alcoholic and because of that, cannot drink a single drop. Anyone who says otherwise is enabling him, which will result in massive problems that no one wishes on their worst enemy. Both enablers and the alcohol consumption are unacceptable.

    3. Try Al-Anon or some other type of support group. Unfortunately, there is not much you can do other than not enabling his behavior. He’s going to need to come to the realization on his own that he needs help.

       1. I second this; my ex was an alcoholic who refused to get help and would blow up at me when I told him he had to stop/get help. His family knew there was a problem and didn’t help. I regret not going to Al-Anon. In general I think that there’s not much you can do but reiterate your love for him as the reason for your concern, stand firm, and get yourself some support/help for dealing with it. Sending hugs.

    4. My advice is to be supportive and don’t drink anything around him. If there are family events and he will be there, I would say I am not going if there is going to be drinking there. This is the kind of thing that can destroy relationships in a family, but tough love is necessary. Go as far as you think you need to go to make change. Your mom’s response makes me think that she also has an alcohol problem, and if you think it runs in your family, you might consider giving up alcohol too, or at the vary least giving up alcohol around your family. I would seek counseling or talk to a psychologist yourself. This is one of those areas that most counselors are well versed in, helping loved ones deal with their family’s substance abuse.

       If your brother is in AA or a group, or if he gets in one in the future, you could offer to go with him as support. I’ve gone with a friend before, and it was a really moving experience.

    5. Please, get yourself some help because from your post, it’s clear you don’t understand addiction. Therapy and or al-anon to start.

       1. Her post literally said “I need help with this.” Why be so nasty?

          1. +1. This is totally unnecessary.

             OP, I’m so sorry. It’s awful. I second the suggestion for Al-Anon. You may know this already, but you can also call the police preemptively on someone who you know/suspect is driving drunk. Getting him off the road and into treatment is worth it.

             You are free to suspend contact with him until he gets help and stops drinking. Your enabling family members are also sick in their own way, so set up any boundaries you need with them as well.

          2. There was nothing nasty about my response. It’s the truth. OP wrote “I told her he shouldn’t be drinking at all and that none of this is worth it”. To say that an addict just “shouldn’t be drinking” is indicative that she doesn’t understand.

             1. I’m the op and it stung. It was nasty and unhelpful to tell me I’m clueless and not tell me why. Look, I’m watching my only sibling self destruct and my mother act like it’s ok. My heart is breaking if that’s not apparent. Maybe I didn’t use the right words but I don’t think anyone reasonably thinks he should be drinking at all (except for withdrawal issues,etc.)

                You are nasty. You’ve made a hard thing a bit harder; now I image al anon is filled with judgmental people telling me I have no clue. You have a special knack for kicking the already down.

             2. No to say an addict shouldn’t partake in their addiction is a statement of fact. Plus she said it to her mother, who is enabling and brushing aside the concerns. Staying that fact to a third party is different than telling an addict “just stop drinking”, which is not helpful. You don’t understand nuance do you?

             3. She did not tell that to him; she said it to their mom, who was justifying his behaviour.

                You’re looking to pick a fight.

             4. By the way, OP, hugs.

                I have an alcoholic sibling. I think some of the reason that person has not touched alcohol since age 22 is that the entire family – a normally fractured family – rallied around, supported through rehab, went to Al-Anon, and ALL believe that this person should never touch a drop of alcohol again. There is no enabling, no saying that “just a drink” is okay, any of that. For years, there was no booze at family events.

                It is so hard, and your mother has her head in the sand. My heart goes out to you. Please don’t listen to the haters; you’re on the right track, for yourself and your brother.

             5. She posted to say she didn’t know what she was doing and needed help. Your response was nasty.

    6. Yes, please consider medication as an alternative to AA which has a very low success rate. Link to follow

    7. https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2016/09/26/495491533/medications-can-help-people-stop-abusing-alcohol-but-many-dont-know

       https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2015/04/the-irrationality-of-alcoholics-anonymous/386255/

    8. Al anon is for people who love alcoholics. Its kind of odd at first but I found it very helpful. You go to meetings. Check out a few before you write it off. They are free and in most cities, happen often.

11. Does anyone regularly use zipcar or another similar service? Based on reading reviews zipcar seems to be the best option but I’m curious to hear any personal experiences.
    Also if someone wants to refer me feel free to post your code.
    After 4 years of living in Manhattan I’m ready to spend the $$ to have easier access to nature!

    1. I’ve been a Zipcar member for 5ish years now, and I really like it. It’s very convenient for when I need a car for an hour or two to run an errand outside the city. It is more expensive than a regular rental car when you use it for more than a day or two, but I’m willing to pay for the convenience and avoiding the hassle of going to the rental care place. Gas and insurance are included, most cars have an EZ-Pass, and their customer service is really responsive when you have a problem on the road.

       If you give me your email I can send you a referral :)

    2. TIP: I now live in NJ, but even when previously living in Manhattan, I used Zipcar from Hoboken or Jersey City. The rates are MUCH cheaper than renting from NYC, and a quick trip over PATH is worth it to pay 50% or even 25% of the price.

    3. I was a regular Zipcar user for about 8 years. I had almost no problems with the service itself – I could almost always find a car nearby, customer service was responsive, it’s easy to get gas, etc., but I ended up running into a weird mental block with it that made it hard to get out and do things on the weekend. Like you, I lived in the city and wanted to rent cars on the weekends, but in order to have enough time to get away for a proper outing, I’d need to rent the car for a whole day, which was always at least $80. When faced with “shell out $80 right now or just stay home and do something local instead,” I opted to stay home and then got antsy and frustrated without my nature fix. Even though I know rationally that using a Zipcar for these trips was ultimately way cheaper than owning a car, there was just something mental that was hard to overcome about shelling out that much money for a day trip just for transit. I now own a car and get out for nature trips WAY more often. It costs more in the long run, but my spontaneity has increased dramatically.

       The only other complaint I have about Zipcar is that you often end up overpaying. If I need the car to run an errand that I think will take an hour, I need to book it for at least 90 minutes and maybe more if the traffic is bad, but then it often takes less time or there is no traffic or whatever and you can’t get a refund for the unused portion.

       1. Co-sign all of this.

    4. I used Zipcar for several years when I lived in Queens to take a monthly run to the Target in Flushing. Target was considerably cheaper than the grocery store near my apartment, and I pretty made up the cost of the zipcar in the difference in cost of buying the large quantities of diet dr. pepper I needed for the month. I had it down to a science, though, after the first couple of trips. I would go kind of late at night when I knew there wouldn’t be traffic, and I knew how long my Target run would take, so I could accurately estimate the amount of time I needed it for. It’s less worth it if you’re uncertain on the amount of time you should rent the car for.

       1. +1. I used Zipcar for 3 years when I lived outside of Boston (Cambridge), but I mainly used it for running errands and picking up people from the airport. I liked having access to a car if/when I needed one for day-to-day things. BUT I never used it for day trips because I was very cost-conscious and just renting a car for the day from a car rental agency was cheaper than using zipcar for a full day. So if you mainly want it for day trips, I would try out just renting a car from a car rental place and see if that meets your needs.

12. I like the History Chicks podcast and am interested in other similar ones that are long (to last for a full commute), educational, and interesting. So many other podcasts are so short that I don’t feel like I get much out of them. Any ideas?

    1. Hardcore history has some really really long episodes. Give us some examples of time length? Like is an hour too short?

       1. An hour to 90 mins is perfect for me. Thanks!!

          1. I don’t listen to many that are longer than an hour but what about ones where its a series on the same topic:
             – Serial (newest one is about the court system)
             – More Perfect
             -Where should we begin with Esther perel
             – Slow Burn
             -Missing Richard Simmons
             – Crimetown
             -Someone Knows Something

             Here are a few that are right around an hour:
             – The Guilty Feminist has episodes that are over an hour
             -This American Life is an hour
             – Mom Rage is usually an hour
             – Radio lab is usually around an hour

    2. Stuff You Missed in History Class! They’re anywhere from 30 to 50 minutes but they have lots of information. The topics are varied and interesting, and they tend to have a focus on women.

    3. I can’t say its educational, but Paula Poundstone’s newest podcast, Nobody Listens to Paula Poundstone is hilarious and each episode is around 45 minutes. She interviews everyday experts (plumbers, pest removal people) in her own way and since this isn’t an NPR podcast it’s completely uncensored.

    4. Lately I’m really loving How I Built This from NPR. They are typically about an hour. Not quite as long but no less fascinating (to me): Ear Hustle.

    5. The Dollop is a history comedy podcast. One guy researches a story from American History and tells it to the other guy, who improvs off the story. It’s about an hour to 90 minutes, and covers a lot of stories. There’s a lot of back episodes, too, so you won’t run out of listening material for awhile.

13. I know this gets asked a lot but I’d love some insight … I’ve been an in house attorney in NYC since graduating law school (3years). I have an opportunity to go to a NYC big law firm. I’m a general corporate attorney and this would be in the corporate group. Im 30, married, no kids. Would you do it? Why/why not?

    1. Only if you really really want/need the money or feel like you’re getting pigeonholed at your company (doesn’t sound like the latter is an issue from your post). The miserable lifestyle is no joke.

    2. Why do you want to go into big law? Do you want to be a partner with a roster of different clients and perform business development for the rest of your career (which I’m not knocking, it can be fun developing business if you are an outgoing person and a variety of clients keeps things interesting), make a lot of money for a few years, then go back in house? Are you ok working a lot more hours, or at the very least less predictable hours in exchange for more money or client variety? Do you want a career that is primarily in-house, and if so, why would you give up where you already want to be?

       There are so many pluses and cons here on each side, it doesn’t really matter why someone else might make the move, but rather why you are considering it. All this to say, if it’s boredom, there are so many better ways to alleviate that.

       1. Thanks, all good questions! My primary career goal is to be in house but I’m considering the move to big law for a few years because it will expose me to a range of different types of corporate clients. My thought is that if I have a more diverse experience working for different types of clients, the universe of in house positions I will be qualified for once I leave big law expands. (Maybe?)

          1. I started in-house and went to biglaw after about 4 years with the goal of getting good training. I ended up working for a brilliant partner who spent months giving me feedback on everything single piece of work product. The training was phenomenal and absolutely worth it. I also worked for brilliant lawyers in house, but they were really busy. I got great big picture training, but they weren’t going to read every email.

             Biglaw was also great for seeing how awesome my in-house department was compared to most and for giving me legitimacy in my market (which expects lawyers like me to have a stint in big law).

             If you can work for a partner who does a good job of training, go for it. At my firm, my partner was probably the best at training. Some did very little training and just made associates miserable—it was easier to get a job working for them due to high turnover.

    3. Yes, in-house is great work but without a law firm background at some point, upward mobility or even sideways mobility will be hard. Take the opportunity to get that experience now, you can go back in later, especially since you already have some experience doing that.

       1. +1

    4. Depends. What are your goals? What are your values? Very difficult to give you any guidance without more info.

       1. Honestly, I like my current job. I love the work I’m doing – its interesting, different every day. The organization is great, the people i work for and with are great, the limited night/weekend work and ability to truly take a vacation is great. I wouldn’t be thinking about leaving except for Scarlett’s comment – I’m worried that 5 years from now, my options will be limited because I don’t have firm experience. (Also part of me feels guilt for wanting to enjoy this lifestyle instead of being more ambitious).

          1. Can’t you have ambitions to have a happy life that you really enjoy and that isn’t dominated by work? Unless there’s something you actively want that you don’t have, I wouldn’t move.

             In my experience, btw, I’m seeing a ton of senior in-house lawyers now with little to no firm experience. It’s still generally a barrier to being a GC at a F500 or public company, but not for other senior legal roles.

          2. Your life sounds great. There is a very, very high percent chance that biglaw will be very, very not great.

             I totally get your concern and think that it’s true that biglaw will expose you to a broader range of skills and clients, but there are a lot of other ways that doors can open for you. (Caveat that I’ve never worked in-house.)

             As for your last para, totally also get that as well. It’s hard to get out of that mindset. I actually work through that stuff in therapy- it’s really interesting how deep seated that guilt is and how pernicious its effects on my overall happiness are. I’ve been at the lifestyle firm and in biglaw, and for me, the pain of the biglaw lifestyle is far worse than the guilt of feeling like I’m not ambitious enough. It’s one thing when you’re in law school and grinding it out with your buddies in the library, doing intellectually interesting stuff, nothing really riding on it (getting an A in contracts =/= 30 million dollar deal) when no one’s yelling at you while you’re at a wedding or a funeral. It’s totally different when you’re consistently canceling your weekend plans, working alone for hours on end, and feeling like you’re barely managing to satisfy a managing partner that you probably don’t even like. (I’m biased, had a bad biglaw experience but I don’t think what I’m saying is uncommon.) Great people = everything. Interesting work = awesome. I’d stay. Maybe look for other ways to broaden your experience/skillset that could help you feel more mobile or that you have a stronger resume/more options down the line.

    5. I’ve only worked in-house, and have been working for well over a decade (first at a F100 and now a GC). I can only recall one time where a potential employer turned down my resume based on a lack of firm experience – and it was a new minted GC (from a firm) who still was stuck on the outdated idea that in house lawyers do little more than manage outside counsel.

       Mostly, I have found that employers love the idea of a well-seasoned in house lawyer who is also mid-career (read: less expensive).

14. I got my first roomba, finally, to help specifically with dust in my bedroom. And she has helped. I have a twice weekly cleaning service and I’m shocked at how much I’ve emptied out of the Roomba drawer for her first five cleanings. It’s disgusting, really.

    She’s one of the less expensive bump into something and turn models (675.) She can clean my room in about 30 minutes and I can schedule her via my phone to clean at set times up to once per day. I have set her down in other rooms to clean but she doesn’t find her way back to the dock in those cases, which is fine.

    I’m thinking about getting one of the more expensive learning type roombas for the living areas of my house – dining room, kitchen, living room, main hallway, pantry. But that’s a lot of chair and table legs and a lot of doorways. Do the fancier roombas really do effective cleaning over such large areas? (Appx 1000-1200 square feet) How about all of those furniture legs? Any specific models to recommend?

    1. No specific recommendation, but If she can get under your bed, that would explain the enormous amount of dust bunnies on your first few tries. Your house is probably not filthy overall.

    2. The Roomba aside (all the models will be able to navigate tables and chairs as long as it has the space to get in, it can clean and get out).

       If you have 2x weekly cleaning service, why on earth is your space not spotless and free of dust? I think you need to invest in a better cleaning service than another Roomba. Any cleaning service I’ve ever had has allowed me to not see a spec of dust until just before the two week mark. What are they doing all day?

       1. I wrote that wrong. It is every other week and it is not spotless! I have two kids and two cats.

    3. I just love that you call it She. Does she have a name?

       1. Just Roomba so far but I’m open to suggestions.

          I don’t know why she’s a she. She does her thing without constant instructions from me… I have a son and a husband who can’t seem to do that, so maybe that’s why!

          1. Mine is named Dorcas, because she’s a dork.

             1. Hahaha!

          2. Mine is Scooter.

             1. Oh that’s so cute!

                My daughter named her Penelope today so I suspect that will stick.

       2. My Roomba is a “he” and I call him “little buddy” or “robot friend.” :-D

          We have a less-expensive model and keep it in our (tiny) living and dining area. It does just fine with table legs, doorways, etc. Also have a biweekly cleaning service so we use the Roomba for the in-between cat hair and dust bunnies like it sounds you will be doing.

       3. I have a Deebot instead of a Roomba, and it’s kind of dumb. We call it Robbit. It’s firmly an “it.” It’s also pretty dumb, and frequently gets stuck on things and can’t get up the 1.5 inch series of mini ledges from the living room to the kitchen.

       4. Mine is a “she” as well and I call “her” Roombi.

    4. My roomba is a “he.”

15. Favorite slippers that you’re not embarrassed to answer the door wearing?

    1. I have these in black. The cork footbed is broken in and they are my most comfortable shoes.

       https://www.birkenstock.com/us/boston-suede-leather/boston-core-suedeleather-0-evarubber-u.html?dwvar_boston-core-suedeleather-0-evarubber-u_color=27

       Break Birkenstocks in on a 2-4-6-8 schedule, referring to the number of hours you wear them for the first four days.

       1. +1, but I have the Boston shearing clogs.

    2. Expensive: Uggs. Not expensive: the tan suede ones that JCrew will roll out with their holiday stuff.

       1. +1 to Uggs. I am not an uggs person but got their slippers on the recommendation of this s*ite and they are totally worth it.

    3. I wouldn’t be embarrassed to answer the door wearing any slippers, but I like the LL Bean Wicked Good Camp Moccasins

    4. I provided and link but i guess it went into the ether.

       Very well broken in Birkenstock clogs. They are my “aah!” shoes to put on after a long day.

    5. I’m curious about this too. I’ve heard about Birdies, but they seem pretty expensive. Anyone own a pair and can comment if they are worth it?

    6. Minnetonka slippers. They’re cute, not oversized at all.

    7. For summer, Vionic flip flops. For colder weather, the moccasin styles. (Hardwood floors and like having something with arch support.)

    8. Why would I ever be embarrassed by my around-the-home footwear? I don’t get it. Do I think that Tim Gunn is coming to the door? If so, I think even he’d be OK with anything that you wear around the house.

       Is this a new area that we’re supposed for feel some sort of shame for getting wrong? If so, that’s sad b/c this is an area I see nothing but subjectivity being the standard for: what feels good on your feet for the walking/standing that you do in your house? Period. Why is that not enough to feel comfortable in your choice?

       1. Or she could just mean”something that looks nice and is super comfortable.” I also thought she could mean “not childish or cheaply made” (picturing the moose slippers I had when I was 14, lol).

          No shame necessary.

    9. LL Bean Wicked Good Moccasins. They are a little spendy, but they last and they are so cozy. They have a nice tread that means you can wear them to step outside briefly if needed. I tried less expensive substitutes, but these are my perfect slippers. I’ve had them for a year of very regular wear and they are in great shape.

16. Is velvet something that’s super trendy that will be weird to wear in a few years’ time? I just bought a pair of gorgeous dark green velvet jeans (that are a lot cooler than they sound). But I like to keep and wear things for many years, and now I’m wondering if I should take them back becuase they’ll be dated in a years’ time.

    It’s cool if they’re not super popular anymore, I just don’t want people to be like OMG THAT WAS SO 5 YEARS AGO. or whatever.

    1. I think you should live your best life and wear the super cool dark green velvet jeans (they do sound awesome; where are they from?) until you decide you don’t want to anymore.

       1. They’re these: https://shop.nordstrom.com/s/7-for-all-mankind-velvet-ankle-skinny-jeans/5129645

          They cost more than I typically spend on things so I should probably take them back if I can’t get a lot of wear out of them.

    2. I think velvet is something that is always in for a very specific season (Oct/Nov – Feb). It’s getting a lot of attention outside of that timeframe right now, but as long as it is something that can be worn in that timeframe – go for it.

       I have a velvet/velveteen jacket from…8-10 years ago that I still keep. I only wear it occasionally during the winter, but I like having it as an option. I also have a pair of black velvet (cropped) jeans from a couple years ago. That mostly get worn to Christmas/NYE house parties because exposed skin isn’t a good winter idea here (MN).

       1. +1 they look fabulous and I agree, in that seasonal period, they’ll always be wearable

       2. I have a velvet miniskirt that I can’t fit in right now, but would be perfectly on trend. I bought it in 2013. Velvet is an annual winter trend.

    3. I am so so so tempted to buy these. Fabulous.

17. Finally ordered from Uniqlo (my city doesn’t have one)! So excited. I got two sweaters (rose pink and creme) and a wool skirt for tight weather.

    Made my day!

18. *snort*

    https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/matreon-the-patreon-platform-for-emotional-labor

    1. I love it!

    2. Ha! I love it, too!

19. Decided on my Halloween costume this weekend- a suffrage+te!

    And on that note, I hope the ladies here make a plan to be a voter!

    Check your registration to make sure it’s current — the deadline to register is *this week* in: Arizona, Arkansas, Delaware, Florida, Indiana, Kentucky, Louisiana, Michigan, Mississippi, Missouri, New Mexico, New York, North Carolina, Ohio, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, Tennessee, and Texas.

20. Counterpoint to much read HuffPo weight loss article last week: https://health.usnews.com/health-news/blogs/eat-run/articles/2018-09-26/everything-you-know-about-obesity-is-not-wrong

    1. Not really though.

    2. It sort of seems like this “counterpoint” article actually agrees with the vast majority of the HuffPo article and just quibbles on the details of how the argument was made, no? I feel like that’s an online content strategy – write a “counterpoint” to a viral article to increase page views of your own.

21. Here’s a fun question – I’m hosting a murder mystery fundraiser for my local political club. The murder mystery is performed by a theater group in a large private room at a restaurant, and the theme is “Murder by Merlot”. It’s on October 20, so I’m going with a fall/wine theme. How would you decorate the tables? I have a woman donating fall-colored flowers, and I’m doing ivory tablecloths with burgundy napkins, but I’m not sure what else to do. I was thinking of buying these and putting votive candles in them: https://www.orientaltrading.com/gold-glitter-pumpkin-votive-holders-a2-13745649.fltr. Or these: https://www.orientaltrading.com/gold-flecked-mercury-votive-holders-a2-13725011.fltr.

    Does anyone have any more suggestions for decor, either for the tables or for the room in general?

    1. body silhouette somewhere on the floor, police line/do not cross tape instead of table runner. Seating cards/nametags with a fingerprint and magnifying glass on them?

    2. This sounds so fun! How about some wine bottles with skull and crossbones/ poison labels?

    3. Buy encyclopedia volumes or other old books at Goodwill, then buy big off-white candles and have fun with stacking them together, gluing together, then dripping hot wax around candles on top to make a sufficiently spooky centerpiece.

22. DH has a job offer that would mean moving from Northern NJ to Alexandria Virginia. Thinking of buying in the Belle View section. I was wondering if anyone had any experience with how are hard it would be to make friends. Kids are in college so no opportunities to meet though school activities. There is a country club there. Is that how most people make friends or is it snooty and unfriendly.

    1. I lived in Alexandria pre-kids. We joined a synagogue and there were a ton of meetup groups and events for people at all ages 20s, 30-40s single or young families, 50+, retired, etc. A lot of movement and transition in the area and a lot of back and forth with NYC so I imagine you’d fit in pretty well. Heck I like you and it’s just on the internet! You’ll do great. Good luck!

    2. What do you like to do? If you’re a country club person I think that’s a fine place to live. It’s solidly suburban, which matches your current Northern NJ location. But overall as an empty nester looking to make friends there may be a better fit, depending on your interests.

23. Seeking advice from the Hive. I have an interview coming up for an in house position that seems awesome and basically a dream job. For all of you in house lawyers – when interviewing, what have been examples of great answers from interviewees and what sort of answer from an interviewee has sounded like nails on a chalkboard?

    In my interview prep I’m focusing on learning as much as I can about the business and thinking about how I can turn answers into demonstrating how I’d “partner with the business” and how my skills from a law firm will translate into this role. I don’t plan to ask about work life balance at all, but only to comment if one of the interviewers brings it up.

    But, is there anything else that is especially good to mention or something that sounds completely tone deaf? Thanks!

    1. The worst thing I’ve heard in an interview was someone being condescending about someone lower ranking. It was like, “and I was getting advice from a paralegal?! like she’d understand it?!” (the bigger arc of the story was about how he solved the problem himself) — we cut him out of consideration, because damned if I need someone with that attitude anywhere near me. I am almost certain he thought it would come across like “you and I are the cool, expert, executive people, not like those hoi palloi” but ugh it sounded terrible.

    2. Be sensitive to internal politics and how decisions are made. At a firm, you give advice and your client takes it, or doesn’t. It’s typically not your place to worry if they take your advice (though there are exceptions).

       In house, that could be your role, but more likely you’ll have some responsibility for making sure the business does the recommended thing (or a person high enough in the business is aware and making the choice), even if you don’t have authority to make the decision.

       1. Yes. I ran a dept and had some legal folks report into me, who dotted-lined into our GC (then vice versus for a while). I was “the business” and would recommend you ask things like:
          How does legal prioritize across various departmental needs?
          If its a compliance or regulatory role- understand who drives those functions and how legal fits in.
          If it’s got contractual components- does it include new deals? What has legal put in place to mitigate being the bottleneck/appropriately set expectations?
          If it’s got M&A work- at what stage is legal brought to the table? Do people actually want legal’s opinoon or is legal a rubber stamp?
          If it’s broader/general and involves things like litigation, understand how outside counsel is involved.

    3. You nailed it on the work-life balance thing. As soon as I hear that it in an interview, I throw the resume in the trash. I understand that we’re not Big Law, but it’s still pretty intense – and often has a face time element that can be hard to manage.

       I would focus on how you communicate with your team and how you always make sure your manager has a heads up on incoming issues or problems. The main reason I see people crash and burn in house is that their manager or a senior executive was surprised by a problem. You should highlight your communications skills and how you keep people current on issues, even when you work in a fast paced environment.

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