Corporette.com

Updated: Jul 19, 2023 190 Comments · by

Coffee Break: Bembien Bag

Coffee Break

This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.

black knotted crossbody bag

This Carmen bag from Bembien looks lovely if you're hunting for a crossbody that is stylish and good for the world — 10% of all Bembien proceeds goes to Nest, a nonprofit dedicated to “the social and economic advancement of artisan communities around the globe.”

The brand notes that the bag is surprisingly roomy and buttery-soft, and that you can wear it crossbody, regular, or “tie the long strap into a knot and watch it transform into something new.” (Wow, are we doing that again?!)

The bag comes in black, brown, beige, and dark green, and is $280 at J.Crew; there's also a two-tone version of the bag available for preorder at Bembien.com.

Sales of note for 9.30.24

About Kat

Kat Griffin is the founder, publisher, and editor-in-chief of Corporette. You can read more about her here.

Comments

  1. Anon

    I feel like I struggled with anything that wasn’t a laptop tote before COVID and massive WFH. Purses and handbags just are beyond my ability and I am stuck with pockets and the pocket on my phone for cards.

    • Anon

      My Cuyana totes are now gathering dust except for when I do my occasional business travel (and they’re golden for that, so I’m glad I have them). At the very beginning of the pandemic I found a bag on Th e R e al Real that I had balked at paying $1000 US for when I was in Paris in 2019, and it was on TRR for about $150. So I bought that one, then another before I came to my senses. And I do carry these bags. They’re not laptop totes and that’s the point. They’re medium sized handbags.

      But realistically, if I’m going grocery shopping or whatever, I’m usually using my Portland Leather crossbody mini tote. I can’t do pockets only as I have rx sunglasses I need for driving and walking outside (light eyes that water a lot in sharp light) so I’m team handbag 99% of the time.

    • Anon

      I would have been tempted to buy this bag before full-time WFH, but now I barely leave my house and I use a kipling crossbody. I have vintage coach and dooney bags in perfect condition, but I never reach for them anymore. The featured bag is forgeous.

    • Anonymous

      you’re missing out, i love having a bag for a bit of personality – i get comments on mine all the time. i don’t keep much more than my credit card, lip gloss, sunglasses, claw clip, and maybe car keys in it.

    • Anon

      OP on this comment. I think it’s just that I do better with 3 bags packed to go vs having to juggle things from one bag to another, esp. if they are different sizes and have different pocketing. It might be a 10 minute task, but some days I just grab the phone, wallet, keys, and go (have readers and sun glasses sprinkled literally everywhere; chapstick stays in the wallet). It’s find until I need a tissue or pen or some other item (lighter for church where I need to help with candles, gift card I forgot, tums, advil, etc.).

    • Anonymous

      I’m sorry what? It’s a bag. What is this nonsense about beyond your ability.

    • ALT

      To your point about not remembering to switch items between bags: I have a bunch of pouches in my bags, nothing is loose in my purse ever. The pouches range in size with my essentials (chapstick, tissues, meds) in the smallest pouch so it fits in all of my purses. My non-essentials go in larger pouches that rotate between my larger bags. This system helps minimize forgetting something I need or having it in another bag.

      But at the end of the day, it’s a bag and it carries stuff. If you don’t have a pen in your bag and you need one, that’s not the end of the world. Men don’t carry 80000 things in their pockets. Personally, carrying everything in my pockets makes me feel flustered and frazzled more than carrying a tote full of pouches does. To each their own!

      • Anonymous

        I do this too. I carry a small Le Sport Sac mirrored zip pouch and I just transfer it from bag to bag + phone +sunglasses and I’m done. Not too much thinking involved. The zip pouch has lipstick, lip gloss, Tylenol/Advil, tissues, comb, Kind bar, nail file, band aids, hair tie, tiny claw clip, phone charger and cord and probably a few more things I can’t think off.

  2. Anon

    On the other end of the size spectrum from the bra discussion this morning, any fellow 38Gs here? I need a couple of new bras and I probably have to order online. I like a plunge or close to a plunge in front and need a lot of projection from the bottom of the cup. What has worked for you?

    • Anonymous

      this is me although i prefer a balconette style to a plunge – the plunges never seem to have a lot of projection from the bottom of the cup. here are my favorites:

      underwire:
      birdsong, fantasie, elomi — i have one wacoal i like but in general do not. i did keep a scarlett blue but i find it uncomfortable.

      wireless / comfy:
      evelyn & bobbie (the plunge one is really good!), chantelle’s C magnifique, curvy couture cotton one…

    • Sybil

      I’m a 36J/K and like Fantasie and Freya. They don’t make the exact style I have anymore, but check the Freya Deco – that’s by far my best plunge.

    • Anon

      I’ve been buying my bras from Bare Necessities online. My favorite bra is from Natori, and they have a plunge T shirt bra. However, you have to be very careful with washing/drying. I’ve gone through probably 6 or 7 over the last two years because the wires have come out. I just can’t get on board with handwashing, so I do a delicate cycle in lingerie bags in the wash and then hang to dry. I also have, and like, birdsong and the Bare Necessities brand.

      • Jules

        Should have added, the band is a bit small on these, but the cups fit perfectly (and actually look good – I never thought I looked good in a bra before) so I just use extenders, also from Amazon.

        • Anon

          Thanks! I ordered the G and the GG just to see which one fits. The band size may be an issue for me, but I already have a couple of extenders that I’ve used with other bras until they stretch out in the band a bit.

    • Monte

      36G, and I really like the Panache Ana — bit of a plunge, and the side support/sling helps with projection, I think.

    • Anon

      Thanks for the recommendations so far! I checked out all the styles you mentioned. One thing I didn’t mention is that I’m really not open to padded bras. I don’t think they can ever get the fit right for very projected breasts, so I always go unlined and use n i p p i e s silicone inserts for headlight coverage.

      • Jules

        I have this one too and forgot about it. I don’t wear it much because it’s nude-for-me but also lace – when I want something that won’t show under a light-colored top, I also don’t want a lace pattern that will show. But it otherwise is nice (and my BF loves it = maybe it’s time to pull it out again).

      • Anonymous

        If you can wear Panache (wide and high wires), the Jasmine is excellent.

        If you need narrower wires with a narrow centre wire, the Bravissimo Amelia bra is the gold standard of a front-facing, full and front bust bra.

        • Anon

          Thank you. I’m saving this. I ordered five bras today – the Andora in two sizes, the Ana, the Envy, and then the Elomi Lucie because the pop up window on bare necessities said it would fit me! So I’m going to try all of these on, and then maybe try the Jasmine and the Amelia if none of these work. I really appreciate all of these recommendations!

    • creditrisk

      I am a 32G and swear by Fantasie. I like their full support options which end up fitting my like a plunge. Its a good fit and I don’t look my size at all.

  3. Anon

    I have transitioned into a new job that I love. It’s in-house for a small-mid company. One part of it, however, is keeping up with various corporate transactions (capital raises, new investors, sales, etc.) and speaking intelligently about what’s happening. I have no M&A type experience. I’m a general practitioner on the business side (no family, estate etc.). I’m almost 20 years into practice but this has never been on my plate. And – to be clear – we use outside counsel for the drafting/actual legal work related to these.

    Do any of the corporate lawyers on here have recs for good primers, classes, podcasts, or any other resource really, for me to refresh my memory on these types of things?

    • Anon

      No suggestions of formal resources, but as someone who has been in-house for a while, my most successful approach to this is to set up meetings with the function SMEs partly as an intro (if still needed) but more importantly, to play dumb a little and have them talk about what they do, the strategy of the company in their functional area, etc. I seriously have set up meetings with packaging engineers just so I can ask them what they do and why it’s important for the company. Personally, I love this stuff – I love networking internally, learning other people’s roles and functions – and it means that I develop a lot of trusted relationships all over the business and I find out things I promise otherwise would not. It’s been a really valuable approach for me!

      • Anon

        OP here – thank you. I do that everywhere I go. I’ve been in-house for a lot of my career. I agree that it’s a great way to get to know the company and build internal relationships.

        The question really is more to corporate law mechanisms and terminology. So that if I am giving an update to our big boss, I can do so intelligently.

        • Anon

          Ahh okay, corporate governance stuff then. Got it. I can’t help you there. That is not my area of expertise, sorry!

    • Anon

      What you are looking for are the following:

      – ABA Business Section trainings – join the M&A subcommittee. Trainings are free with membership. Membership is pricy, but hopefully your company will pay. You also probably need a basic primer in secreg. Look for any trainings that are “securities law” basics.
      – Trainings (if private company) from outside counsel on venture financings — look for Valley firms like Wilson Sonsini, Fenwick, Cooley, etc. If you want to read about these, read Venture Deals by Brad Feld. If you are a WSGR client, they have a very extensive training library.
      — Join ACC. Their partnership with Lexology means you will have access to many firms’ client alerts and primers.

      If you are struggling with vocab, go to Latham & Watkins’ website. They have “Books of Jargon” which are online dictionaries by functional area – cap mkts, M&A, etc. You can look up any term you don’t understand.

      Hope this helps you get up to speed.

      • Anon

        I am not the OP but am the other anon in-house above. This is really helpful! I am going to check these out too. Thank you.

    • anon partner

      A few thoughts (biglaw corporate partner here):

      If you’re the GC or otherwise in charge of the legal team, pick a trusted outside counsel and ask them to do a lunch and learn if there’s more than just you that could benefit, or if you’re the only legal person, for them to just take an hour and do a high level overview and Q&A. We do primers for clients over lunch and learns, usually for specialist areas like comp and benefits and stock option matters but if I have a client that’s sending us M&A or investment deal flow work I’d be happy to spend time off the clock for an hour-long session tailored to whatever is most helpful to them.

      If you’re lower down in the legal group and there are concerns about not coming off to the GC (or whoever your boss is) as out of touch, the above still may work – presumably they know that those areas aren’t your forte and would be supportive of your brushing up. I would just approach the GC in that case with the suggestion of arranging this and get their blessing to liaise with outside counsel.

      Also, for reading, practical law if you have access. When I was an associate in a generalist capacity that was where I always started.

      Congrats on landing the great new job!

  4. Do I have a boyfriend problem?

    In the last few weeks, my boyfriend has made some not nice comments about the weight of his sister and a certain singer with flute playing abilities. Stuff like “she needs to get on top of [her health]” and “that kind of example” should not be set by a celebrity.

    This bothers me, especially since he is quite overweight himself. Let it go? Ask him about his comments? Point out the double standard? I am lucky not to struggle with my weight so do not feel personally implicated. But it does bother me. Boyfriend is otherwise very progressive – to the point of taking his ex’s last name when they married. I don’t understand it.

    • Anon

      Next time he says it, say “you first.”

      I think what you’re talking about here is the Male Gaze, where men feel entitled to comment on women’s bodies because apparently our sole purpose is to be pleasing to their eye.

      I would push back HARD on that.

      • Senior Attorney

        This is a great response! And after that I’d say “Sorry, I’m not willing to listen to that kind of talk.”

    • Vicky Austin

      Based on the available information, you’re not doomed to a boyfriend problem. But I would for sure ask him about it and see what his attitude to being questioned is. That will probably tell you a lot.

    • Anom

      I’d make clear you don’t want to engage in that kind of talk. I’d avoid trying to teach him to do better bc you just don’t want to have that kind of a role with your partner. You’re not responsible for his growth as a human. But you also just don’t want to be part of that kind of conversation about people. And it’s ok to say something along the lines of this line of conversation is making you uncomfortable. Just avoid making it about him or attributing any bad intentions to him.

      • Anon

        God forbid we hold men accountable or have open communication in our relationships. Is this the boyfriend posting, by any chance?

    • Anonymous

      Overweight people can be fatphobic too. Often goes hand in hand with deeply engrained self loathing. I’d probably start with a, why do you feel that way, and see where the conversation goes. I do think having this conversation with an overweight person as a not-overweight person requires some extra sensitivity.

      • anon

        Yes. I was completely taken aback when a friend of mine, who happens to be overweight, called a mutual acquaintance a fat f*ck. I have never heard her speak that cruelly about anything or anyone.

    • Anonymous

      Here’s the thing. You need to be able to speak to a person you’re thinking about being in a relationship. “Wow why are calling your sister fat?” “Excuse you? Are you lizzo’s doctor that you’re presuming to know what she should do with her body?”

      If you keep quiet and don’t make waves you’ll never know if you’re in a relationship that is a good fit for you.

    • Anonymous

      I wish people would stop harping on that singer’s “ability” on the flute. Her flute playing is about as good as a pro basketball player’s acting. It’s incredibly insulting to actual professionals when celebrities get undeserved opportunities to perform, along with tons of publicity, in areas where they have zero skill simply because they are celebrities. And it’s infuriating when people who call out the celebrity favoritism are accused of being racists. How about we celebrate actual Black classical musicians instead of a pop singer who pretends to be a classical musician? I know and work with a whole bunch of them who deserve far more recognition than they get.

      • Anon

        What in the world? Whether she’s as good as a professional orchestral flutist or not, you can’t deny the woman has talent. Even musical prodigies likely can’t dance around and then catch their breath in a way to effectively play for a stadium full of fans. And it’s unusual for a pop musician to play a typical orchestra instrument during their pop songs. Maybe we can instead focus on the fact that seeing her on stage is inspiring young black girls to play classical instruments? And maybe they look up some other classical musicians because of Lizzo? Fame and talent are not zero-sum.

      • anon

        Oh for the love. You’re actually trying to gatekeep flute playing? Do you realize how wackadoodle that sounds?

      • Anon

        WHAT is your problem. I’m a classical musician myself and think that she’s quite talented!

      • Jules

        Also, the flute was just mentioned as a way of identifying that the BF was talking about Lizzo – he was criticizing her weight and her flute-playing is utterly beside the point of the post.

        • Anon

          +1 what a baffling non-sequitor. This has nothing to do with Lizzo’s ability on the flute or lack thereof. The comments were about her weight.

      • Anon

        Wait are we talking about Lizzo? She’s a classically trained flutist. It’s not just something she dabbles in on the side.

      • Anon

        It’s always impressive to me when someone who is outstanding in one area has other skills! I am very aware that I am barely able to make a sound come out of a flute. I also know there are accomplished flautists in the world. But for someone who is famous for an entirely different reason to have come that far, feels more like a challenge to someone like me, a non-flautist, and is impressive in a different way?

      • Anon

        Not the point, but I think plenty of pro basketball players are good actors! LeBron was hilarious in Trainwreck.

      • Anon

        Her flute playing is a fun interjection sometimes, but I definitely don’t want to listen to classical music instead of Lizzo.

      • Anon

        “I know and work with a whole bunch of them who deserve far more recognition than they get.”

        Okay, then tell us some POC classical musicians to listen to. I love Lizzo and I also love classical music, so I’m all ears.

        • Anonymous

          So many amazing classical musicians toil in obscurity and it is impossible to find recordings of them. One you probably can find on the web is soprano Brandie Sutton. But go to your local symphony, opera, and choral performances if you really want to experience diversity in classical music. A lot of the new generation of up and coming soloists and conductors are POC, and they are getting gigs in the smaller markets. We have a fantastic young Black woman orchestral conductor in our metro area about whom I am especially excited. I am confident that within the next decade classical record covers will be looking a whole lot more diverse. All this work is being done at the grassroots level by talented, incredibly hard-working artists who actually graduated from music school and do a whole lot more than playing a couple of trills while twerking in front of a camera.

    • Anon

      I would hesitate to commit to this man. I’ve dated men like him and it was awful; I always wondered if he would hold the natural changes of my body (pregnancy, age) against me. I’ve also found that people who don’t watch their weight often don’t understand how hard it can be to maintain a healthy weight; they think it is easy or would be easy or should be easy.

      • Anonymous

        This. My BIL is overweight and regularly makes nasty comments about women who are more overweight than him. He’s not a nice guy and these comments are typical of how he thinks about others. the ‘fat phobic’ ones are just the ones he views as most socially acceptable so he’s less cautious about those comments vs some of his racist views.

    • Anne-on

      It’s a boyfriend issue. I’d call out his comments and tell him they’re unacceptable. As to WHY they’re not ok I’d suggest picking up ‘Fat Talk’ by Virginia Sole Smimth or reading her substack/listening to her podcasts. She does a great job of discussing how/why diet culture hurts all of us and how it ties into race/gender as well.

      • Anon

        An opportunity to promote the wonderful podcast Maintenance Phase cannot be passed up!

    • Anon

      I would push back hard as well. Nobody is skinny and perfect forever. What happens in 10/20/30 years when you no longer look the way you do now? Is he going to tell you to “work on your health”?

    • Anon

      “Boyfriend is otherwise very progressive – to the point of taking his ex’s last name when they married.”

      Weight-related comments aside, the men who talk the loudest about being feminist and progressive are usually the worst at actually supporting women, in my experience. There’s a guy at my work who has a “this is what a feminist looks like” t-shirt and he tried to block me from bringing a nursing infant along with me to a conference (with childcare in tow; I was not trying to pull double duty and work while caring for an infant). Six years later he still brings it up as a reason I shouldn’t get professional opportunities, including ones that aren’t travel-related.

      • Anon

        Man, at least conservative d1ckwads tell you who they are up-front. I hate guys like this, and I’m sorry you went/are still going through that!

        • Anon

          Thank you <3 fortunately he's had minimal impact on my life and career. But the hypocrisy is really annoying.

      • Seventh Sister

        This tracks with my experience, too. The more they talk about it, the more likely they are to be the kind of guy who spends half the weekend on some suitably crunchy athletic pursuit while their spouse gets the relaxing task of watching three kids under five.

      • Anonymous

        That guy is awful and I guess that experience is bad enough to explain why you constantly make this same comment every time someone describes a man as feminist or progressive or supportive of women, but the OP didn’t say anything about her BF being performative about his support of women. (And if you tell me that taking his wife’s name is performative I am going to call you out for buying into the patriarchy yourself.) I’ve described my ex-BF as supportive of women, through act and deed not some empty statement or sign, and you said the very same thing.

        • Anon

          ??? I don’t “constantly” make this comment. I may have shared this anecdote here once or twice before. I definitely think men can be very feminist in terms of their actions but in my experience, the louder a man is about being a feminist or a “good progressive,” the less likely he is to actually walk the walk, so to speak. Clearly not the only person who shares that view, as someone above said they agree with me and I think I have seen other threads where others expressed the same viewpoint.

          • Anon

            Oh and on the point about the last name…. I don’t think a man taking his wife’s last name is inherently performative, but I do think a guy who expects credit for being a “good feminist” because he took his wife’s name is likely to be the type of loud “feminist” man who’s not actually feminist.

        • Anon

          I don’t think there is just one person with an one off experience making these comments. It’s a trope that professed but very shallow feminism can be a pick me boy thing these days.

    • Anon

      I would point out the double standard and encourage him to focus on getting healthy.

      • Anon

        Right… heavy or not, Lizzo is a freaking athlete. Love to see him try and do what she does.
        On the male side, I feel like Chris Farley caught the same sort of comments his whole life when, if you actually watched him, the man had moves.

  5. Anonymous

    does anyone here do meal prepping for ALL your meals? trying to get into it in a few weeks when we’re back from vacay…

    • Anonymous

      God no that’s a nightmare. So much work to just be eating leftovers. Just live in a jail if you want no choices at all.

      • Anon

        Yeah, my family are not great about eating leftovers, and when I did try meal prepping, it was basically alll leftovers.

        Given all the time in the world, I would go to little shops every day or every other day for what was fresh. But given my actual life I do that once or twice a week. But I don’t prep anything until mealtime.

    • Anonymous

      What is your definition of meal prepping? I meal plan but I don’t, say, cut everything on Sunday for seven days. I don’t think things stay tasting fresh that way. I do cook several meals or at least several portions of ingredients at a time for later reheating or additional prep, but I am solo and don’t consider eating leftovers to be an offense to my SES like some people do.

    • busybee

      Yep. Contrary to the other posters, I find it’s much easier! I never have to cook after work and there’s always a meal ready for me in the fridge.

      • Anon

        +1

        I don’t get the meal prep hate. It takes less than 2 hours to have several days worth of all 3 meals. I can come home, heat something up and eat dinner in no time at all.

    • Anon

      More or less, yes. I spend 1-2 hours a week cooking and then eat leftovers or convenience foods the rest of the week.

      For breakfast I make a frittata or chia pudding on Monday and eat it Monday – Friday along with a smoothie and fruit.

      For lunch I cook on Sunday or Monday and eat leftovers all week. This week I’m having chickpea pasta, homemade tomato sauce and a ton of grilled veggies.

      For dinner I usually eat out or have something very simple (oatmeal, peanut butter toast, baked fish and steamed broccoli (both from my freezer), frozen chicken nuggets + carrot sticks).

      On weekends I eat out or eat convenience foods.

    • Anon

      Nope. I tried it briefly and it turned weekends into one long chorefest. I would rather be a bit rushed on weekdays and keep my weekends free to enjoy with my family, hobbies and relaxing.

    • Cat

      No, because that’s a huge weekend time s-ck. But to maximize the value you get out of cooking time, make a lot extra of stuff that freezes well, and then divide it up into meal-size portions for freezing. For example if we’re making burgers, we make like 3 lbs of them at once, and freeze the raw shaped patties. Then instead of starting from a styrofoam package of beef at dinnertime, the protein is ready to cook asap.

    • Anon

      I tend to rely more on meals that are quick to put together (e.g. I figure dinner won’t be ready till the pasta water has boiled anyway, so why prep anything that won’t take longer to prep and cook than it will take to cook the pasta? There are answers, like not having to clean the kitchen on a week night, but usually I don’t prep this kind of thing in advance).

      I do like to have some quiches or similar on hand though in case I don’t want to cook at all.

    • Anon

      This sounds so tedious to me, I like deciding what I want to eat about 30 min before I eat it and don’t think leftovers would actually last that long in the fridge with the same level of nutrients they had intact. BUT I think something useful without the meal prep is, if the meal is freezable, to just to make a larger amount of it and save some portions for times when you don’t have a chance to cook. Right now in my freezer I have about 3 portions (in jam jars) each of about 4 meals. Thaw the night before when you know you won’t have time to cook.

    • Anonymous

      They key to meal prep IMO is foods that are best as leftovers so lasagna, chili, stew etc. you want foods that get better when they sit.

    • Anon

      I do not do all of my meals, but I do prep most of mine in advance. This consists of:

      – Making an entire package of bacon at one and putting it in the freezer. I often have one piece of bacon with my breakfast if I am having eggs. (I do not like the texture of pre-cooked egg muffins or frittatas, so I don’t make those, although I know people who love them.) I also often make a batch of roasted veggies in advance to incorporate into my omelets for breakfast or dinner.
      – I make a double recipe of meat for taco salad and lettuce wraps on alternating weekends. I put it in individual Ziplock bags and freeze it. That means when I am preparing lunch or dinner I can just warm one in the microwave and have the basis for a meal quickly.
      – I usually cook one thing on the weekend I can eat another day, especially in the winter when I eat more soups and stews. For example, last week I roasted a chicken. This week I made carnitas. If I roast a salmon filet (Costco frozen for the win!) I usually make two so I can have the other with salad for lunch the next day.
      – I get a CSA box once a week. I prepare my lettuce in advance and often cut up things like bell peppers, broccoli, cauliflower, and watermelon. That saves me time when I want a snack, or I can toss the veggies with olive oil and roast with my salmon.
      – I like to have a yogurt with nuts for my mid-day snack. I portion out the nuts and any other toppings in advance so all I have to do is throw them into my lunch bag in the morning.

      I don’t tie myself down to a specific meal every day, but I find if I do not prepare in advance, I eat way too many carbs and take-out and not nearly enough protein and veggies. Hangry me coming home at 6:30 does not make good food choices! And neither does the me that does not have stuff to put in my bag to eat in the office.

  6. Anon

    Ugh… I scheduled an appointment with a divorce attorney. There is no winning here and all that’s going to happen is that 3 people (us and our toddler) are going to have their lives screwed up. But I can’t make my husband want to learn in the bedroom, be honest in therapy, or acknowledge that he grew up in a toxic culture that doesn’t promote stable, happy marriages. (I ignored marriage advice from people with a pile of divorces. He… didn’t. Maybe that was my first clue that there would be problems.)

    • Senior Attorney

      Hugs, Anon. Your lives are going to be screwed up for a little while, but I promise there is life on the other side! Remember, the only way out is through!!

      • Jules

        Yes, what SA said. Hugs to you, it really will get better.

        My parents split when I was about 20 (and all four of us kids fully expected it, we knew it was not a good marriage). One of the neighbors (male) asked her in a very negative way after my dad moved out, “Are you happy now?” She told him, “Well, I’m a lot less UNhappy.”

    • Anonymous

      I mean. Idk why you think this is going to screw up Your life? Life without him is going to be great. And your kid won’t have to grow up watching a toxic marriage which is also great.

      • Anon

        I think she probably means a short-term screw up for a long term gain. It is really hard going through it. I’m sympathetic because I’ve done it.

    • Anon

      I am so sorry. I know it’s hard, but I have been there, done that, and I am so, so, so glad I did! Hugs to you.

    • Anonymous

      Sorry you are now going through this. Curious, though. Did you think sex would improve with marriage? Is that a myth being told in certain cultures/religions? Did you wait?
      Also, I have seen other posts here accusing spouses of lying in counseling. What is the goal of that? Saying you attended but avoiding actual evaluation from the therapist? Like treating the therapist as someone grading you and just wanting to get a good grade? What a waste of money and time.

      • Anon

        My ex-husband lied his way through (very painful) couples counseling – he was having an affair the entire time we were in the counseling sessions, and swore up and down to the therapist how he had no interest in even considering a trial separation that would involve dating anyone else. HA.

      • Anon

        Waited for religious reasons. I tried to be a giving and enthusiastic partner. Reciprocity did not happen.

        • Anon at 3:45

          I’m so sorry it turned out that way. I hope your next relationship is more fulfilling in every way.
          I am a child of divorce, and while it turned out not great because of how my father behaved when he got remarried, it turned out better than if my parents had stayed together. They were not meant to be and wouldn’t have ever been in another era. (I think no sex before marriage creates a multitude of issues, particularly for women but for everyone.) At one point post-separation my mother suggested she might get back together with my father, and at something like 11 or 12, I told her that was a terrible idea. I missed my father, who chose to be absent, but I did not ever wish for my parents to be together again. Just my own experience.

    • Anonymous

      I’m sorry you’re going through this. I filed for divorce when my child was three. There were definitely some very difficult times, but now almost ten years later, all of our lives are better for it. Since my child was nine they have been able to articulate that their life is better because we are not together. Not that they remember us together, but they see how incompatible we clearly are, and can imagine how different their life would have been. All of which is to say that it will not be easy, but in the end it will likely be worth it.

    • Daffodil

      Congratulations on taking the step to get the divorce! I know that this is an incredibly difficult time, but also know that you will ultimately be happier for it. This board was an incredible resource for me as I went through my divorce a few years ago, keep us posted!

      As others have said – the only way out is through! Wishing you the best.

  7. Anon

    I’ve seen some commercials for laundry detergent in a strip of paper (or something). Has anyone tried them? I really like the idea of cutting down on plastic waste. TIA!

    • anon

      I would think regular powdered detergent would have a similar environmental footprint. The store brand that I buy comes in a plastic bag inside a cardboard box.

      • Anonymous

        It’s worth looking into your local water and finding out if you have hard water or not. If you have hard water, liquid detergent can be really helpful/necessary, but otherwise, powder detergent works just as well or better and requires way less packaging and plastic. (I’m not an expert, just passing along what I have learned)

        • Anon

          If you have a septic system, also be cautious about using powdered detergent. It can have a significant amount of clay-based filler that can slowly clog your drain field over time.

    • Jules

      I’ve used them, a random brand from Amazon, and they worked as well as the Arm & Hammer liquid detergent I’d been using. I got a rec for another brand, don’t remember the name at the moment, where you can order directly from the manufacturer and that’s what I’ll do next time. They take up no space in the laundry area and don’t have the transportation carbon footprint of powdered detergent.

      • anon

        I can’t imagine this is true if you ever step foot in a grocery store where you coudl also buy powdered detergent. The amount of stuff people have shipped is just insane to me.

    • K.

      Yes, and I like them! I do cold water washes, and they still work. Great for travel, too. I hate that even the powder brands in cardboard boxes are in a plastic bag inside. The sheet ones are great!

      • Anon

        Ooo, which brand? I also do cold water washes and have been hesitant to try the laundry sheets for this reason.

    • eh230

      I use this! The brand is Earth Breeze, and I get it from Amazon. I regularly use it for delicates, and I also travel with it and use it for all clothes (beach vacations, Europe, etc.). I generally like it but have two caveats: (1) the strips can sometimes stick to each other if it is humid and (2) you need to add an enzyme cleaner for super dirty loads.

    • ALT

      I use the detergent sheets from Grove that come in a paperboard box. I like them! Sometimes they don’t feel like they get filthy laundry clean, but on the whole they work well.

    • Cerulean

      I use the Ecos sheets and they’re great. Per dose it’s much less volume and weight than powdered detergents. I also love that a box takes up very little shelf space in my laundry room with minimal storage.

    • NYNY

      I use those and love them! I have the Tru Earth fragrance-free ones and have only good things to say. There is zero plastic packaging, they take up far less space than powder detergent and also dissolve better than powder. Also, since they are so lightweight, they reduce the environmental impact of shipping. I use them in shared commercial machines in my building and wash most of my clothes on cold. They come out clean and fresh. 10/10 recommend!

    • Anon

      Yes! They are so great for travel. I take a couple in case I want to do some handwashing in the sink (or a load in the washer if I have access to machines).

  8. Anon

    There are always very strong feelings here against supporting a friend through an affair, which I totally understand. I would love to hear stories of people with close friendships that survived! Scenario: friend was married, had an affair with a married man, and now the affair partners are living together. I don’t want to lose a very close friendship over this but I need some success stories along the lines of, “Yes, I was eventually able to accept this over time.”

    • Anonymous

      My bestie is married and sleeping with another man. Her husband has been cheating on her for years I have no issues with this we all hang out together. It’s ok to love your people!

    • Anonymous

      I’ve mentioned before that in my group of friends one of the men ended up having a baby with his affair partner and the group just sort of accepted it. Well it’s been many years since and they’re no longer part of our friend group, I think it was just too weird since we all knew. They have a different set of friends now who didn’t know them before.

    • Anonymous

      My BFF started sleeping with a married woman she worked with. That woman was the wife of one of my (slightly senior) co-workers. She actively and successfully worked to break up the marriage by denigrating the husband and smothering the wife, which was the part that got to me. I was also really angered that I was forced into lying and deception as a result of knowing. We didn’t speak for a long time, but she had some difficult life events not long after the woman broke it off with her and I couldn’t not show up.for her. Slowly we rebuilt the friendship, but it’s never been the same. She is actually now partnered with another woman whose marriage I am certain she broke up the same way, but they lied to me about it, giving me plausible deniability, and it wasn’t in my sphere, so I’ve not really formed the same deep feelings about it.

    • Anon

      Yes, I love my friends for who they are, realize no one is perfect, and I also realize that you never know what goes on in someone else’s marriage. I also have friends whose husbands have stepped out on them in a very hurtful way and I rage with the fire of a thousand suns at their now-ex husbands. I can do both.

    • Anon

      I am closer now with my friend who cheated on her ex-husband with her now husband than I was before she cheated. BUT, I backed away hard when it was a hot mess and it wasn’t clear people were going to leave their spouses and the kids were in the middle of it. I told her I could not be the support she needed during that time.

      They both ended up leaving their former spouses and getting married. It was ugly for a while but through therapy and time and hindsight, my friend fully admits that they way they got together was $hitty and she takes responsibility for her actions. Her husband also is an otherwise good dude so after they got divorced from the exes, I was willing to take the time to get to know him and over time he has become integral to our friend group. He spends time with the other husbands and we are all close enough friends that we can text any of the other husbands in the group separately as the wives or friends of wives (I am not married).

      TLDR: it took some time and acknowledgment on my friend’s part and a willingness to be open minded and give my friend a second chance on my part.

    • Anonymous

      I have had friends who cheated and friends who dated a person who was cheating on a spouse. At no point has this affected our friendship – I’m not friends with their love life.

      I have, however, lost touch with people who are serial monogamists as in never single, just transitioning from a relationship to the next, never their own person.

    • Sasha

      Not a full affair but my best friend regularly cheated on her long distance boyfriend all throughout our college years. I wasn’t close with him but it did suck when he would come to visit and we’d all hang out together and I knew what I knew. I always understood that her cheating came from a place of untreated mental health issues and low self esteem, so it was easier to get over. She hasn’t cheated on any recent partners as far as I know, but I’d almost certainly stick by her if she did. She’s an incredible friend and I am fully aware of her flaws. That being said, I understand it being a deal breaker for other people.

  9. Vicky Austin

    Fun afternoon question: if you could wave a wand and change, solve or improve one thing in your life right now, what would it be?

    I’d magic up a buyer for our house in Current State so we don’t have to pay two mortgages. (Cue stress.)

    • Senior Attorney

      I’d fix my husband’s old cycling injury that’s causing him pain when he climbs up or down stairs.

        • Senior Attorney

          Heh yes he seems to be fine after his little stroke. In fact it seems to have lit a fire under him to get out and about more and he’s actually happier than he’s been in months!

    • Anne-on

      Are we taking chronic, degenerative illnesses off the table? Because I’d very much love to get rid of those! Assuming this is a gift of more money and/or time kind of magic wand I’d very much like all of the annoying home improvement projects we’re slowly budgeting for/ticking off to be magically done for me – the current time/money suck is the the foundation that needs patching (the joys of an old New England home is that we have a literal stone foundation which is super hard/tricky to fix!).

      • Vicky Austin

        The wand can do whatever you need it to! It sounds like you are dealing with a lot. I hope both health and home get more manageable very soon.

    • Anon

      For time to slow down. It’s a cliche but it really seems like just yesterday my baby was being placed on my chest for the first time, and now she’s 5.5 and starting elementary school in two weeks. I love this age/parenting stage, and I just want to stay in it a bit longer. Feels like I’m going to blink again and she’ll be in high school.

      • Anon

        With kids, the days are long but the years are short. Why is this so true? My babies who were just born last week are both in college now.

      • Vicky Austin

        Oh man, poignant to hear this with my baby asleep on me. Hope your daughter has a great year though!

    • Anon

      I’d clone myself for the month of July, so my clone could do my job, and the real me could enjoy some long-awaited summery weather here in the Bay Area.

      • Vicky Austin

        Summer goes much too fast, doesn’t it? Hope you can squeeze in some time to soak it in.

    • anon

      I’d have unlimited energy for doing all the things. IDK. I take care of myself, but I still feel like I’m running on fumes most of the time. No medical issues, thanks for asking.

    • Anom

      Job that’s a better fit for both my personality and my family obligations.

    • Anon

      To be one healthy weight my entire life. Every woman in my family has a complete wardrobe of clothes in 4 different sizes to account for skinny years and chubby years and all the years in between. Sigh.

    • Anon

      To make a suitable partner appear in my small town “city.” I don’t want to move because my entire life is here, but there are very very few fish in the sea I haven’t had a first date with yet that are also making themselves available and known to me. :-(

    • Anecdata

      Magic wand makes me a fantastic work portfolio that really captures what I do (uh, and it also cancels all NDAs so I can put the good stuff in)

    • JTM

      I’d magic up having our offer accepted on a decentish house in our price range
      (seriously, trying to buy right now when you’re limited by school zones & everything is overpriced is not for the faint of heart).

  10. Anonymous

    IUI question:

    Do I really have to wait until day 14 to test? It’s day 10 now. Unmedicated.

    • Anon

      Did you get a trigger shot? If so, I think you need to wait. At least longer than 10 days.

    • Anon

      This really is up to you. Some people have to test early because they can’t stand that not knowing. Other people don’t like to test early because of the disappointment if it is negative. I was an early tester because I couldn’t stand to NOT test.

    • anon

      It’s still pretty early. I’d try to hold out at least a couple more days.

      • Anon

        Agree, and almost 18 years ago I was in OP’s shoes, on pins and needles waiting to test after IUI. But it really does not do any good to test super-early. Wait at least two more days, OP.

    • Anon

      Ask yourself these questions –

      if you got a positive test result, would you believe the results?
      if you got a negative test result, would you also feel it was correct?

      I think you have to follow medical advice on this and wait, but I certainly understand the impatience.

      I am thinking good thoughts for you! Come back and update us when you test! hugs

  11. ISO a great water bottle!

    Hello! I’m looking for a lightweight water bottle that can be easily clipped on to a belt bag (think the ubiquitous Lululemon belt bag or similar) for trekking around a hot city. Most of what I’ve seen are regular water bottles that have carabiners attached, but I don’t want something that dangles off the strap (if that makes sense). Thanks in advance for any recs!

    • Cat

      Do you mean you want kind of the equivalent of a bike-mounted water bottle holder, except it mounts to your strap? A low-tech solution might be a couple of sturdy rubber bands that you add to the strap before you buckle it.

    • Anonymous

      This may not be what you want, but when I’ve been traveling I’ll just screw and unscrew the top of a Nalgene bottle onto a bag. Works better if it’s empty, though, like if you’re going through the airport or something. Whenever possible I like to freeze a bit of water in the bottom of my Nalgene (at an angle, for some reason) — it’s like a solid block of ice that keeps my water so much colder, for so much longer, than regular ice cubes.

    • Anonymous

      Relatedly, does anyone have a suggestion for a running belt with a water bottle holder that will securely hold a water bottle, but not so securely that it’s hard to get out one handed? I need something for trail rides (horses, not bikes) and the one I have is virtually impossible to actually get the water bottle out of.

      • Anon

        Saddle bag or running vest. Anything with a belt is bound to hit the saddle which will be annoying for you and the horse.

    • Anon

      Seconding the running water bottle idea – searching on “running belt bottle clip” will get you both some bottles and some holsters for bottles. They make bottles with clips that might work for you. And not exactly what you’re looking for, but both hydroflask and yeti have bottle slings with removable straps and molle clips on the back. So if your bag strap is the right size, you could clip the sling onto the strap. It probably depends on both your bag and how you wear it – I haven’t tried it.

  12. Anonymous

    Just wanted to share a personal win. I have two very young children and have been really struggling to find my active self or figure out what that looks like. I bought a used treadmill a year ago that lives in my garage. Today I did a 20 minute peloton tread workout during my WFH day. I have spent way more time than that today doing other things that I didn’t need to be doing, so I’m hoping I might be able to convince myself to do this again sometime soon.

  13. Retention bonus question

    I’m SVP-level at a F500. 2 levels down from C-Suite. My boss left ~15 months ago, and when he did, one of my colleagues (my same level) was promoted to take his place and became my new boss. I also got a promotion, but did not get that “top job” – however, because they wanted to make sure I didn’t leave, I got a nice retention bonus.

    Fast forward to now and the new boss just gave her notice and will be leaving in about a month. I will now be promoted into that spot (and get compensation bumps in all categories). But I’m wondering – there were basically 3 of us with legacy knowledge and relationships in this area, and now i’m the only one left. Part of me wants to be a middle-of-the-road white man and ask for another retention bonus b/c if I leave too, there will be a big gap…but part of me doesn’t want to start off on the wrong foot in this new role.

    What would you do?

    • Anon

      You got a huge promotion and could likely be C-level in a few years. I would focus on longterm earning potential over short-term ability to blackmail. Think of the promotion as your retention bonus.

    • Nona

      This late in the day you will receive fewer replies. I would submit this question again tomorrow morning.
      Congrats! This is a tough one but if I received a retention bonus a little over a year ago, I likely would not ask for another one but I would vigorously negotiate the salary.

    • Anonymous

      15 months ago, you got a retention bonus because you did NOT get the promotion. This time around, because you’re getting the promotion, you don’t get a retention bonus.

    • Anon

      I don’t think you have grounds for a retention bonus since you didn’t get passed over for the promotion this time – you got the job. Congratulations!

    • Anonymous

      I would negotiate something but probably not a retention bonus. Can you negotiate a better severance package option? The higher you go the more difficult it will be to land a new job if you’d lose your recurrent one, but you’ll get one eventually!

      I’m unclear if your new role is SVP or you are being moved to EVP. If you went VP-> SVP you are probably going to want to make sure you have a severance package in your new role aligned with your title. In my F500s it’s been 12-24 months.

      And/or, are you sure your new company is market rate?

Back to Top

About

Work with Corporette®

Serious Stuff

work fashion blog press mentions