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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
The Farm Rio prints can be a bit controversial around here, but this floral pattern strikes me as more subdued than most, and office-appropriate for most situations. Layer it under a black blazer for a more formal look, or wear it tucked into a solid-colored midi skirt for a breezier look.
The blouse is $111, marked down from $185. It comes in sizes XS-XL.
Sales of note for 11.5.24
- Nordstrom – Fall sale, up to 50% off!
- Ann Taylor – Extra 40% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 25% off with your GAP Inc. credit card
- Bloomingdales is offering gift cards ($20-$1200) when you spend between $100-$4000+. The promotion ends 11/10, and the gift cards expire 12/24.
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Fall clearance event, up to 85% off
- J.Crew – 40% off fall favorites; prices as marked
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – New sale, up to 50% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Buy one, get one – 50% off everything!
- White House Black Market – Holiday style event, take 25% off your entire purchase
Anon - Hawaii Recs
We will be traveling to Hawaii next month. We’ll be staying 5 days on Maui in Wailea and 5 days on the Big Island in the Kohala coast area. We’ll be traveling with our 2 kids, ages 9 and 12, who are good travelers and up for adventure. We’ve been to Maui before pre-kids, but it’s been over 15 years since then. Any must do’s or great recommendations? I am hoping to strike a balance between active sightseeing (we like to swim, hike and be active) and relaxation (I’m picturing a massage at a spa, sitting by the beach/pool with a pina colada). Also would love any restaurant recommendations. I am counting down the days to getaway. Thanks!!
anon
It’s been a while since I’ve been to Maui, but these series of guide books was very helpful. A friend of ours also used their app.
revealedtravelguides dot com
On Maui, I would say the must see items are the road to Hana and Haleakala crater. I remember having a great dinner at Mama’s Fish House.
Anon
+1 for the Revealed guides and Mama’s. The road to Hana is rough if anyone is prone to carsickness, just fyi.
Anonymous
The Bamboo Forest Waterfalls hike is fun.
Anon4
In Maui: Monkey pod is a good option for dining but if you really want exquisite seafood try to get a res at Mama’s fish house (may be too late but if y it can snag one, with it). We like to make the drive up to Hana and hike the bamboo forest (our kids were younger but could do a decent chunk of it, yours could likely do all). Black sand beach also a nice stop but now requires a res and is getting pretty crowded. Book a sunset cruise on Teralani or another similar catamaran company for a relaxing evening. I have also in the past done a zodiac boat half day over to lanai for snorkeling, though that one was pre-kids…loved the smaller boat for that. Book a cabana at the hotel (or if you’re not staying at one with those amenities, look into renting one for the day, many of them offer that). Enjoy!
Mrs. Jones
Mama’s Fish House is awesome, as are Volcano Nat’l Park and the tsunami museum on the Big Island.
Anon
Night snorkeling with manta rays on the Big Island is epic.
Senior Attorney
It’s been years, but I still remember an amazing dinner at the restaurant at Volcano House Hotel on the Big Island. It has a view right into the crater. Beautiful!
Anon
Sitting by the pool with a *mai tai*
Fixed it for you
Cheers
Lol I had this thought too
Anon - Hawaii Recs
OP here. Ha! Love this. I actually meant *mai tai*!
Lorelai Gilmore
The food on the Big Island is middling, but a few outstanding options:
1) Merriman’s
2) Honaunau Poke Shop
3) Pineapples in Hilo
Also, if you are up for an adventure, we had so much fun doing the Umauma Falls zip line. I worried it would be cheesy, but it was amazing and fun and my kids still talk about it!
Anon
Merriman’s has moved to prix fixe and is not as good as it once was. Go to Monkeypod, get the mai tai!
Anon
Maui recs:
Paia Fish House (much easier to get into, no resos, multiple locations (Paia and Lahaina)). Last time I was there I saw celebrities! Then go watch surfers at the beaches near Paia.
Red Line Rafting Molokini tour–AMAZING, worth the money, cannot recommend highly enough. Book it, do it. You’ll love it.
Snorkeling at Napili Bay or Kapalu Bay (go early, parking is limited)
Monkeypod in Wailea is amazing, GO. Even if you go for early dinner.
Driving to the North part of the island to see the blowhole is a fun drive, very pretty. Stop at Leoda’s for sandwiches and pie on the way.
Lavender farm on the top of the island
Kids might light the aquarium.
Anon
Some of the new runners on here may be interested in Target’s sale this week. Their running shorts are BOGO, so I bought a couple of pairs. Their womens’ running shorts are a 5″ inseam and I bought medium. After wearing them for a run last night, I’d describe myself (5’6″, 143 lbs, carry my weight low) at the upper end of the size for these shorts. Large would have been too big – too much fabric- but these will fit better if/when I trim up a little bit.
They are fine – no chafing, no weird bunching. Hard to say if that’ll be the case at longer distances, but nothing about my couple of miles lat night suggested it wouldn’t. There’s a little zipper pocket. The liner was comfortable. All things equal, I think I prefer a 7″ inseam, but 3″ and 5″ is more common in womens’ running shorts. For $8/each they’re a good deal for anyone on a budget or who are just getting into running and not sure if you’re going to stick with it. There are plenty of colors available.
Anon
Can you post a link? I’m having trouble finding the 5” shorts
Anon
I went to the store, sorry!
Anon
I may have mis-stated and they’re the 3.5″.
My point remains, though, that for $8, they are a good buy.
They’re not Oiselle or whatever the most current hot brand is, but you get a lot more than what you pay for.
Anon
Speaking of Oiselle, I have a gift card for them. What there is awesome? Pear with thighs, if that matters, but not just looking at bottoms or summer wear.
anon
Is it terrible that as a pear, I automatically assume that running-specific clothing brands are not for people like me? (At least for bottoms, that is.)
Anon
Long Roga shorts…. they have just the right amount of fabric and stretch.
Anon
Most of us, if we came of age in the 90s, had two options as teens – Umbro or similar soccer shorts (comfy but not great for running long distances) and Nike running shorts. Those Nikes are still ubiquitous but aren’t great for those of us who carry our weight low. Even when I was fast and thin, they looked and felt weird on me. Purpose-made shorts for people of varied body types are a relatively new thing and until pretty recently what there was, was really expensive!
Monte
Agree on the long Rogas. I also love the jacket I have from them — think it was a previous iteration of the Katron jacket.
Anonymous
I got several things from Oiselle in their recent sale and love it all. The Mid Length Pocket Jogger Shorts are my first pair of “tight” shorts, and the Rogas are a go-to (wearing some right now!)
Anonymous
Also a pear with thighs and I really like the long pocket joggers and the legging version of those. Rogas have never worked for me but YMMV!
Anon
I have some 6″ loose fit shorts from North Face that I love, but I can chub rub even them. I’ve gone to bike-type shorts for running.
Anon
I generally like running in spandex shorts, but they’re too hot for me this time of year. I like the air flow of Nike Tempos when it’s hot (it’s regularly 85-90 with 60-80% humidity here, ugh)
Anon
I don’t disagree! I am fearing having a bad case of swamp butt and if I had the time to go to the indoor pool and swim laps, would do that now (but I run b/c I barely have any time to myself with the crazy summer camp schedule we have at the moment).
Confused Associate
Need advice! I am an unhappy midlevel at a small firm. I applied and interviewed at another firm in my city. The other associates and junior partner who I am close with at my current firm are unaware that I interviewed, despite the hiring partner at the potential new firm being very friendly with them on a personal and professional level.
Junior partner just mentioned in passing that a prior associate who has been gone several years reached out to her to make a phone call recommendation on her behalf because she just interviewed at this firm as well. If this junior partner knew I had interviewed, she would definitely make a call on my behalf instead. What should i do? i don’t want them to know i am looking elsewhere but i don’t want to stay silent and potentially lose this opportunity.
Katherine
As a former junior partner, just know that unless you have a really great, trusted relationship with junior partner, she will tell the firm if you ask her for a rec. If you are okay with that distinct possibility, then ask her.
Anonymous
Even if you have a great relationship, don’t ask her to do something that’s against firm policy. At my firm, all inquiries about current or former employees must go through HR. I’m a junior partner and an associate recently asked me for this. I told him look, if someone calls me or I see someone out in town and they informally ask about you then I will say nice things. But if you send their HR or hiring partner to me for an official reference then I have to send it to HR. Sorry but I’m not going to risk my job to help someone else get a job, no matter how much I like them.
Anon
This is interesting — if I got called about someone and referred them to HR, I assume it would be seen as the kiss of death to the applicant vs sticking to firm policy. I had no idea whether it was done or widely done or how it was received (even though it is probably policy everywhere).
Anonymous
I think it’s pretty widely done. Our firm policy is to refer to HR and I think most people stick with it.
Cat
So, new firm most def understands why someone from your current firm wouldn’t call them about your candidacy.
Only if you 1000% trust Junior Partner to be a confidential big-picture mentor should you tell her you’re interested in the same role.
Anonymous
It’s extremely risky to tell your boss, which is what every partner is when you’re an associate, that you’re looking for another job. Do not recommend.
Anonymous
No do not ask junior partner for a recommendation unless you want the firm to know you’re interviewing. There are a lot of rules about what an employer can and cannot say about an employee. The junior partner will want to clear a recommendation with HR before she says anything. She’s not going to risk her own position to help you leave the firm.
Confused Associate
Thank you for confirming my gut. Should I ask a prior boss that has no relationship with/doesn’t know the hiring partner to make a call or just let it be and see what happens?
Cat
I’d let it be. You interviewed. References are nice but not dispositive.
Anon
That’s honestly super weird. I would be put off by getting a “reference” I didn’t ask for out of the blue like that.
Anon
No hiring decision hinges on a recommendation. Don’t say anything.
Anonie
Also as you’re evaluating the trustworthiness of this jr partner, keep in mind that the only reason you know this OTHER person is interviewing is because jr partner completely needlessly told you her business.
It also seems like you’re thinking of yourself as in direct competition with this other person, but are you sure that’s the case? Lots of firms have several open roles at a given time, or flexibility to bring on multiple lawyers if there are multiple fantastic candidates. I wouldn’t spend too much energy thinking of how you want them to hire you “instead” of her.
Anon
Why did the junior partner tell you this? Sounds like they’re a gossip – I’d keep that in mind. I also think the new firm you’re interviewing with with understand perfectly well why you are not providing recommendations from your current employer.
Anon
Engagement ring question: how… do you… buy them? I have never bought expensive jewelry before and neither has my fiancé. There aren’t really nice jewelry stores where I live right now, especially if I’m thinking in the $5k ballpark (this would not make us go into debt). I will be going to the DC area in a few months, if anyone has a recommendation for stores there. I have also looked at Brilliant Earth and Blue Nile, but I definitely want to try things on before I buy. I don’t even feel like I have a self-defined “taste,” like I’m practically starting from zero here. I’m 32 so I feel like I shouldn’t be this clueless…
I have always preferred colored stones to diamonds in appearance, but does this make sense for something I will wear every day? Are lab-grown diamonds or moissanite bad in some way I don’t understand? I have very pale skin with a ton of freckles even on my hands and arms. I would love to hear any advice, experience, what you wish you had taken into account, etc. from the Hive. Thanks!
Cat
My husband and I made an appointment at Tiffany to try rings on. They see this all the time and don’t pressure you to buy, but it’s a great way to try on shapes and sizes to see what you like on your hand. Then you can buy from wherever. There is nothing ‘bad’ about a lab stone and it can save you a ton of $.
As far as choice of stone, if you plan to wear your ring daily you’ll want a stone that’s sturdy and not prone to scratching. G–gle Mohs scale for info on common stones – like sapphires and rubies are strong, emeralds less so.
Anon
For coloured stones you wear every day, you want something high on the Mohs hardness scale like a ruby or sapphire (which can come in lots of different colours, not just red or blue). Softer gemstones like emerald or amethyst aren’t as suitable for everyday wear.
Lots of people prefer lab diamonds or moissanite for ethical/environmental/price factors and there’s nothing wrong with them! I’m picky about my jewelry and I can tell when something is moissanite and I don’t like the look of it, but if you don’t care about diamonds you won’t be able to tell a difference.
Anon
You sound like a person who Knows Things. I like opals. I understand that they are very soft and crack easily. IDK where to buy and how to tell if an estate piece is cracked to the point of not being good to buy vs cracked/pretty/buy it. Would also consider new opal jewelry. Was thinking stud earrings, where the abuse factor should be low.
ALT
I’m not who you’re replying to and I’m certainly not a gemstone expert, but my feelings are that if you love it, can afford it and will wear it, buy it regardless of whether the stone is cracked or imperfect. Unless there’s a giant split running down the middle, I’d think a crack in a gemstone would barely be noticeable or have any impact on wearing it.
Panda Bear
Opals are beautiful! But I agree that they work well as earrings, or perhaps a pendant or ring you don’t wear every day. They are relatively soft, and also can be damaged by moisture. Not great for an every day or engagement ring.
As for not being sure about the value of an estate piece, definitely ask the seller a ton of questions! Go to jewelers who specialize in vintage/antiques (I worked a jewelry store like that) and look at lots of pieces with them to learn what to look. You are right that sometimes an old piece will have flaws, but you might love it anyway.
Nesprin
Opals are lovely, but terrible as a stone on a ring that would get knocked around- they scratch and chip very easily. Earrings and pendants tend to be less rough.
If you do have your heart set on an opal, you should see better longevity with a bezel set (so protection all the way around) vs prong set (where the stone is held in by tiny teeth).
Cerulean
This, plus lab diamonds are real diamonds. I think Moissanite is pretty, but I can see a difference in its appearance.
Anonymous
We spent around the same at a mainstream jewelry store. Went with a Canadian diamond for a balance of ethical concerns but still wanting a diamond because I didn’t want a colored stone. Is my ring smallish? Sort of but we are also into lots of outdoor sports and travel internationally a lot so I didn’t want anything big or flashy. Pick a band style you like. I regret having a wider band as it sits a bit heavy on my finger but somehow feels weirder to change out the band vs the more typical upsizing a diamond at some point.
ollie
The DC area has Brilliant Earth and Blue Nile stores if you like the look of what they have and want to try on. As others have said, a colored stone is doable for everyday wear if it’s hard enough. My friend has a beautiful teal sapphire engagement ring (in a setting she designed herself with a local jeweler) that she wears daily.
Ring Anon
A teal sapphire sounds gorgeous, and not something that would clash with most outfits either.
Anon
Agree that sounds beautiful. With the OPs coloring/freckles, I picture a gorgeous blue/green stone.
Anne-on
I’d go into whatever jewelry store is close to you (Zales/Kay, or a local one) and try on rings to see what shape/size of stone you like on your finger. Jewelry is a lot like clothing – something that looks good on someone else may not suit your coloring/fingers. After you have a better idea of what you like you can narrow down how large of a stone, type of stone, type of metal, type of setting, etc. With your budget you’ll probably be looking at a smaller or lab grown diamond, or a less expensive stone. Keep in mind that the setting can change the price quite a lot.
Also if you have a Costco near you their jewelry has a fantastic reputation for value – especially if you want something simple.
Amelia Pond
I would suggest a local jewelery store too to see a wide variety of settings. my experience at zales and Kay were that they only stocked the trendy settings (at the time it was all halo all the time) whereas the local store had many more options for settings and you might discover you love something you had never seen before.
Amelia Pond
oh and I have a blue sapphire, the whole thing (including a somewhat intricate setting) was around 6,000.
Anon
I also like I didn’t really have existing preferences when I was shopping for my engagement ring a couple years ago. I read up about shapes, cuts, diamond grading, band metals etc, looked at a bunch of pictures trying to develop my taste, and went to a mall ring store to try on a few rings in person and get sized accurately. The most helpful thing was finding an online store that would send ring models (CZ and some cheap metal band). I could wear a style for a few hours and see how it looked on my hand, how high the stone would be, etc.
Also, I went with a lab diamond for ethical reasons and have zero regrets. I really don’t think there’s some hidden catch.
Panda Bear
Oh, how exciting! I’m a jewelry nerd and used to work at a jewelry store that specialized in vintage and antique pieces. I always loved helping folks choose engagement rings.
– First, don’t feel bad about having limited knowledge, or not knowing what you like yet. Totally normal for lots of people.
– Very good idea to try things on in person. You might be surprised to discover what you like or don’t – stone size, shape, color, metal color, setting style, etc. Try on lots of rings, take photos, and make notes of what you like.
– Most reputable online jewelers have reasonable return policies, so if you do find something you love online, don’t be afraid to buy it/try it/return if you don’t love it. Just read the fine print; sometimes customized online orders can’t be returned.
– There are varying opinions about lab-grown gems (including diamond, moissanite, and colored stones). You’ll have to see what makes the most sense to you. Champions will say they are more environmentally friendly, just as beautiful, and chemically just as “real” as natural stones. I have some lab grown stones and I love them as much as my natural ones; they generally are indistinguishable unless you have gemological training. Critics will say they don’t hold their value as much as natural stones, that there is of course an environmental cost to running the labs that grow them, and that there is something special about an natural stone. I agree with that too – I do look at my natural stones and marvel that they came from the earth.
– In terms of moissanite v diamond, moissanite has a flashier sparkle, and is generally more affordable. I think it’s lovely, but you’ll have to see what you like.
– As for other gemstones, bear in mind that they are softer than diamonds, and over a lifetime of wear, will abrade more than a diamond. There are degrees, though – a sapphire (or ruby, which is actually the same mineral as a sapphire) is quite tough and can make a great everyday wear stone. Emeralds I would be more cautious with. And – if you are open to lab grown options – there are lovely colored diamonds and moissanites available. I have a lab grown blue diamond that I adore.
– Finally, I have to put in a plug for you to consider vintage/antique rings and stones! I have an old-mine cut diamond and it is just nothing like a modern cut. So lovely. You might find that you love Victorian or Art Deco styles. If you want to look at old rings in DC, I recommend Secrète Fine Jewelry and Tiny Jewel Box. Both are on Connecticut Ave NW.
– Have fun and congratulations!
ALT
I am obsessed with old mine cut diamonds…they are sooooo pretty! Definitely very high on my list of engagement ring choices when that moment happens
Anon
+1 vintage
I have an old mine cut diamond in an art deco setting and it is just so perfect for me.
Anon
What an informative post! Thank you for sharing all this.
OP, my engagement ring is a sapphire flanked with two diamonds from Blue Nile. Have been wearing it daily for 15 years with zero issues.
Ring Anon
Thank you for the thoughtful comment!! I love the idea of a vintage ring but that’s something I have even less than zero knowledge about and would only feel comfortable being shepherded through by someone experienced. But I think it would be so cool to have something that has already lasted for decades.
Anonymous
I wanted to provide a different perspective on natural vs. lab diamonds. It’s a triumph of human effort and knowledge that we’re able to grow diamonds. Imagine the work by generations of people to learn how to do this, each building on the work of their predecessors. Knowing that you hold in your hand the product of human effort and persistence can feel miraculous too.
anon
I was pretty clueless about jewelry (still am, really). I feel like pictures helped me get an idea of what I was drawn toward, but trying them on made all the difference. Some rings that I thought I would love just didn’t do it for me. In the end, I found something that fits my style perfectly and that I really love, 20 years later. I have a channel-set band with a princess cut (square) stone. Sometimes the square shape is a little more prone to getting dinged around, but nothing terrible has happened. And I really love the simplicity.
anon
Haha. OP, I had the exact same reaction two years ago when my now-husband was like, I want to propose but don’t know how to during COVID. I was also 32 at the time, so you really aren’t alone on this.
DH and I went into a local jewelry store that had a good reputation and it was overwhelming and not welcoming. I ended up getting sized for a ring at a craft fair from someone selling cheap silver rings and then buying online from Bario Neal, based on the recommendations from here. I was nervous about buying a ring online, but the local jewelry stores either wanted a deposit just for a ring fitting session (heck no to that) or told us that they only did custom order rings that would take 6-12 weeks and a subsequent fitting session to be ready. Since that custom order process also carried the risk of me not knowing what the ring would look like when I paid, I figured that I was better off online.
I love my Bario Neal ring, fwiw. Thanks to those of you that recommended them!
Anon
Personally I’d go with a lab stone on principle! Gem mining, even certified, is a tricky business. I’d love to know my stone is free and clear of some of the issues (forced labor, child labor, colonialism, environmental degradation) that come with gem mining.
It’s your ring so a colored stone is also fine. I like the creative ones at Bario Neal for style inspiration.
Anon
My partner and I took a very different, non-traditional approach. I knew I didn’t want something traditional or at least didn’t want to wear something traditional 24/7. To make sure I really felt this way, we bought a lab created solitaire in sterling silver from Ross Simons for about $125. Sure enough, liked it every now and then, but didn’t want to wear that all the time.
I finally found the perfect ring with Spinelli Kilcollin. Here again I had a sterling silver version of the ring I wanted made to make sure it was something I enjoyed wearing daily. SK was great to work with and I never felt pressured. The sterling version took about 3 weeks to make and arrive and the final version took about 8 weeks.
Fortunately, my partner and I both find it odd that someone would spend thousands/tens of thousands dollars on a ring with the expectation someone will wear it daily without having a prolonged test drive.
Ring Anon
I have thought about a placeholder ring, especially since I am kind of clumsy and careless and that might affect how delicate (or expensive) a ring to get. Thanks for the idea to test style as well, I like the idea of the traditional solitaire but I’m not sure it’s really “me.”
Anon
For wedding rings, I wear a $20 Qalo ring as my daily driver (after losing a prior one). Spouse no longer wears his gold ring and says Qalo rings don’t flatter his fingers. So we looked fancy for the wedding and maybe a year after.
Anon
Try on many, many different rings. You will be surprised at what you like and don’t like and at what is available. Tiffany is good for this, but so are many other stores, local and chain. Please don’t buy at Tiffany – not good value for the money. Buy at a local store and wait until you visit a city with a jewelry district (47th street in NY; downtown LA; or similar).
Anon
EDITED: *or* wait until . . . .
Anonymous
We went to all the local jewelry stores (which includes one interesting but totally legit jewelry store/pawn shop combo) to find a setting as I knew I had pretty specific tastes and wanted something art deco. Definitely try things on in person. I actually stopped by the Brilliant Earth store when I was in California for a work trip, and the rings I thought I liked online I didn’t like as much when I saw them in person. For the actual stone, I wanted an old European cut, which most of the mainstream jewelry stores aren’t going to have, so I went through a diamond broker one of the stores that carries vintage pieces recommended. If you want a vintage stone, try asking appraisers as they might have recommendations on where to find them.
Trixie
As a fellow very fair person, the metals on my ring are both white gold and yellow gold. I think yellow gold sets off diamonds very nicely, but yellow gold isn’t suitable for my coloring. The mix is perfect, and works with both gold and silver jewelry. And don’t forget estate jewelry–that’s a great way to save money as well as help the environment.
Anon
I love jewelry and echo that you should try stones on in person to see what shape you like.
Two online retailers that I have had great success with are Jewels by Grace and Nicole Rose Jewelry.
Anon
We stopped by an estate jewelry place while on vacation (because I love estate jewelry generally) and ended up trying on a few rings. My now-husband then went back the next day and got the one I liked best. It was about $7k, 1.25 CT diamond, yellow gold setting with a few small side stones. The list price was $8k but the guy gave us a “discount” because he liked us I guess? We didn’t even ask. The person who made our wedding bands (using metal from jewelry from our families) confirmed that the diamond is old mine cut, meaning it was mined probably 100 years ago or more. I’m thrilled with the ring and the process — I was knowledgeable enough to know that we weren’t getting ripped off, but I also didn’t want to spend an eternity or a billion dollars on shopping for one.
I’m sure there’s many great estate jewelry placed in DC if this sounds appealing.
Anon
Lab diamonds are real diamonds. De Beers has all kinds of marketing trying to create a cultural bias against them, but chemically they’re the same and more perfect than mined diamonds. All you’re missing is a side of cruelty when you buy lab diamonds.
DC jewelry store recommendation
I highly recommend Tiny Jewel Box on Connecticut Avenue. It’s been in business for almost 100 years. I bought my lovely little vintage engagement ring there. They also have non-vintage rings as well as an exclusive collection.
Ring shopping also
Some sites such as Frank Darling and With Clarity offer try on boxes where you can order some sample rings and try them on for a few days to see what you think. Also don’t discount the possibility of ordering a cheap CZ from the river site to wear a week or so to see how you feel about it on your hand and is it practical for everyday wear.
Jules
If you will be in DC proper, check out the Tiny Jewel Box on Connecticut Avenue – a family-owned business that I believe has both new and estate pieces, in many price ranges and just a beautiful shop.
Anon
Absolutely get a colour EE stone if you like them. Pick one that’s hard enough to wear daily. With your budget it make make sense to get an eternity band with smaller stones. Vintage is a good choice.
Anon
Can someone recommend some desk stretches? My back is very, very tight today.
I work in an open floor plan so nothing too weird or distracting please.
Anonymous
Fitness Blender on YouTube has a 6 minute desk stretch I really like.
Anonymous
Cervical? Lumbar?
anon
Move your neck around – side to side, front to back. Shrug your shoulders forwards and backwards. Sit in your chair and rotate your torso.
Vicky Austin
I put my hands on the back of my head and pull forward and down gently towards my desk. It helps the neck decompress for sure; might not get all the way to your lower back, but it can’t hurt.
Also get up and walk! Somebody here once remarked that walking is a back massage and now whenever my back is painful, I remember that.
Mrs. Jones
Back bends
Cat issues
Has anyone experienced this? I’m having ongoing issues with my cat urinating in the corner of our living room. She is about 10 years old. We took her to the vet, and she was diagnosed with a UTI, and is now on antibiotics and anti-inflammatories, but she is continuing to go in that spot. I have cleaned the spot many times with a portable carpet cleaner. I have sprayed special pet clean-up solutions. I have blocked the area off (perhaps I need to keep doing that permanently). My husband cleans the liter box. It’s not in pristine condition every day, but that’s never bothered our cat before. I’m guessing this is just a medical issue but I keep thinking we are reaching an end point, and then it continues on. I had carpet cleaners booked for next week, but now I feel that is just going to add to my disappointment when the issue continues. Any tips would be appreciated! For those who can relate to this, I also have young kids and feel like I have little bandwidth for this additional frustration.
Panda Bear
You might try adding a second box, near or even right in the spot she keeps returning to. That helped with one of my cats who decided a closet was his new spot. I didn’t particularly like having a litter box in my closet, but it was better than him going on the closet floor.
Anonymous
I’m the poster below with the pooping cat. No advice but commiseration. I didn’t see your post before I posted, and I feel some solidarity knowing I’m not the only one dealing with cat bathroom problems this morning!
anon
I have been through this, and it was a freaking nightmare. You’ve done many things right already. The other thing you could try is blocking the area off for a longer time OR adding an additional litter box.
Anonymous
Keep blocking off the spot for a few months. If you already used the enzyme cleaner on the carpet and she’s still going back there, then it probably soaked through the carpet and into the pad (and perhaps the floorboards) underneath. Since it’s in a corner, can you pull up the carpet? Clean the underside of the carpet with the enzyme cleaner – like completely soak it – replace that section of padding, and spray the floor boards with the enzyme cleaner for good measure.
If that doesn’t work then you’ll have to replace the carpet.
anon
Add another litter box and try using Cat Attract litter. It’s important to have a clean box. I would try and clean it twice a a day. Could she have an issue like arthritis that makes it painful to enter/exit the box? They make low-sided ones for older cats. Gabapentin is sometimes prescribed for situations like this. If she is 10 years old I would suggest doing bloodwork to check for things like kidney disease, thyroid issues or diabetes.
I use a Bissell steam cleaner to clean up the affected areas and then use a cleaner called Cat Odor Off to completely remove any smell.
You mentioned that she is on medicine. Has she completed the round of medicine? It’s possible she may still have some pain associated with the UTI.
Have there been any other stressors or changes in the environment?
Go for it
Buy a brand new litter box. I put baking soda in 1st then add the litter
To get rid of smell: in spray bottle put 50%peroxide & 50% wintergreen rubbing alcohol. Spray area ~ it will initially smell like a dentists office, then it goes away. I have not experienced staining when using this spray
Anon
I agree with the suggestions to add another litter box and to block the area off indefinitely. Hopefully, those two things and the treatment of the medical issue resolves it. But, I will say, sometimes with cats, it is a behavioral thing. I had a cat for a number of years with no problems with peeing outside the litter box. Then, she began peeing on the back of a couch. No medical issues found. Tried everything to make it stop. Got rid of the couch. Peeing began in another inappropriate spot. I rehomed her back to her original owner (she had been in a rental situation where she couldn’t have the cat, so I took her for 5+ years, and she was now back into a home she owned and was more than happy to have her back in her life) and the peeing in inappropriate places stopped. The triggering event for the peeing: I had a baby. I think that was just not something that she was in agreement with and the peeing was her way of showing it. Has there been any changes in the home recently to consider?
anon
Yep, cats are sensitive to changes in the environment. They can even be triggered by seeing other cats outside.
anon
i second adding a box where she is peeing. We had some success with this plug in scent that the vet sold also. you may also sadly have to pull the carpet up and really start from scratch, the smell will attract her to do it again.
Anon
Put aluminum foil down where she pees. It teaches them to not pee there.
Anonymous
The litter box should be scooped morning and night. Period the end. This is the easiest change you can make here to encourage her to get back into her routine. I would keep it blocked off for several more weeks.
Anon
+1
Anon
Our dog is house trained but if she needs to go in the middle of the night, she goes in a dark corner on the same place on the same rug. No amount of nature’s miracle can move her off the spot. We just gave up and let it be. There’s no medical issue, she thinks she’s being polite by taking care of business without waking us up. I just call it cost of having a pet we love. Not the same as a cat, but same concept, since you’ve had her checked out by a vet, I’d just let it go.
Anon
So.. you have a pee soaked area of your home that you’re just fine with?
Anon
Right! This is very gross and potentially distressing for the animal.
Anonymous
I think they mean they gave up trying to prevent the dog doing it, not that they quit cleaning it.
Anon
Omg, sigh. No. Of course we clean it up and it happens rarely. Is it a rug I’m going to keep forever, no. Is it a problem, no. And my dog is in no way “distressed.” My point is just sometimes it’s easier to let some things go. Not everything needs a solution and stress.
Anon
I used to watch a dog who would go to the stall shower and relieve himself in the same manner. No one taught him that, it was just something that, TBH, worked out well for everyone on the rare times it happened. He was a cool dog.
Anon
The only effective special pet clean up product I’ve found so far is Kids’n’Pets.
(Nature’s Miracle, Urine-Off, etc. just didn’t do the job in my household; somehow they could still smell something.)
I do think blockading the area is good for just breaking the habit.
Cats are very bad at science, and if going in the litterbox hurts, they may feel that it’s somehow the litter or the litterbox’s fault. So adding a litterbox that’s somehow different or in a different location could provide a better alternative to the litterbox that the cat may be associating with the UTI symptoms.
Vicky Austin
“Cats are very bad at science” I am laughing so hard.
Panda Bear
Same! Too funny.
Anon
Agree. My cat has a PhD in asshole but severely neglected all other areas of study.
anon
Longer comment stuck in mod. Try cat attract and an additional box.
Anon
I would put the box where she has the accidents and you could also try cat attract litter – they sell it at petsmart. You could then gradually try to move the box away from that area. Good luck! I have dealt with this issue in the past with young kids at the same time and know it is so frustrating.
anon
Does your litterbox have high sides? If so, she may have trouble getting in and out now that she’s old. Get an additional litterbox that’s low to the floor.
Anon
Did the vet put your cat on prescription food? That is what helped with my 9 year old cat’s urination problem. And if he goes off it for more than a day (or sneaks his brother’s food) the issues reappear. Good luck. It is frustrating.
Nesprin
Put a litter box in the spot where she’s peeing- apparently she wants to pee there, so let her.
Anon
If you have reached your endpoint, and it is no longer a medical issue but has turned into a behavioral issue, Prozac works.
Anon
This seems to hold a lot of a working woman’s things needed throughout the day. I have an aging laptop bag where the straps are cracked, so maybe this is what I want to try as my daily driver that I could use as a large purse if not going to the office on any given day (which hasn’t happened with the laptop bag):
https://frankcleggleatherworks.com/signature-lock-satchel-black.html
I think that this is mainly a men’s brand but if anyone has any experience with it, would love to hear before pulling the trigger.
Anon
Looks great! I often buy mens’ things because I like the look and they are often sturdier or have more/better functionality. This is a solid brand.
Anon
I love that green.
Anon
A 6″ handle drop is not long enough for me to throw over my shoulder, and definitely not with a coat. This is a satchel, but not a put over your shoulder bag. If you are OK with holding this down by your waist, do it, but I can’t walk any distance with a laptop and other stuff holding my bag down low.
It’s a beautiful bag. Love it otherwise.
Vicky Austin
Another jewelry question from a nonexpert: Before giving birth, I wanted to get a fun, somewhat funky right-hand ring in my kid’s birthstone. I have considered both thin stackers (to be eventually stacked with subsequent kids) and something like a cocktail ring. Fortunately or unfortunately, baby was born in April, so this first ring has to be a diamond. Are there fun diamond cocktail rings out there, or is that not a thing?
Cat
I mean that’s kind of the def of a right hand ring! If you don’t want to be that spendy, consider white topaz?
Anne-on
I think you can definitely get a fun right hand cocktail ring but I’d encourage you to look at vintage/estate pieces as most contemporary diamond rings are fairly vanilla. Do you have any favorite brands/styles? I am always tempted by art deco or victorian pieces and they’re a bit cheaper since they’re slightly out of style. This is a favorite place to browse/drool: https://www.wilsonsestatejewelry.com/
Vicky Austin
I am very new to any nice jewelry beyond my e-ring and wedding band, so I’m not sure what I like yet, but this is exactly the kind of rec I was hoping for! Thank you! Any tips for finding vintage/estate pieces to look at in person? I live in pretty rural areas compared to most on this board but will be moving to a spot closer to major PNW cities where I could go looking.
Anne-on
I wish I did! Gunks in I would say to try to follow vintage jewelry accounts on tiktok/instagram. If you’re able to get to San Francisco I loved Gumps and I follow Lang Antiques online. https://www.langantiques.com/
I’ve been turned on to a lot of smaller brands or owner/operated brands online that simply don’t have a big marketing budget.
Panda Bear
In Portland, check out Gem Set Love and Erica Weiner Jewelry (you need to make an appointment at the latter). In Seattle, check out Isadora’s Antique Jewelry. They all have good websites too if you want to browse ahead of time.
Vicky Austin
Wow, I was not expecting personalized recs – thank you so much!!
Anon
Vancouver, WA has two excellent independent jewelers I would recommend, both named Runyan’s. The owners are distant cousins. One is in downtown Vancouver, and the other is in Camas.
Anon
[removed by management]
anon
Had one custom made from Bario neil with the exact same purpose. MY birthstone, kids, husbands plus our wedding stone (sapphire). It wasn’t cheap but they were awesome to work with.
Anon
Nicole Rose Jewelry- so many good options!
Also I have this ring and get so many compliments: https://ringconcierge.com/products/starry-night-ring?variant=20440655986776&scroll=true
Anonymous
In search of recommendations for a steam cleaner that can handle pet messes. I live in an apartment with wall to wall carpeting and my cat has recently started wiping himself on the carpet after using the litter box (separately, suggestions for curbing this behavior welcome).
In addition to frequent spot cleaning for this purposes, I would envision using it on the full 850 sq ft carpet somewhat regularly, in addition to my ordinary vacuum routine. Price and storage are a little bit of a concern, but I’d rather have something durable. I’m not sure whether the hand held versions will stand up to more than spot cleaning.
Anon
You’re probably best off with a full size carpet cleaner. I have a handheld Bissell and would not want to clean an entire rug with it.
anon
Agree. The spot cleaner is great, but it really is meant for quick cleanups. I wouldn’t even want to clean a full rug with it. We have a full size Bissell that we’ve been happy with, but I couldn’t tell you what model it is. :(
Anonymous
Agree with this. I love the small Bissel but it’s a huge pain to use on a whole rug. On solving the issue, we had this issue with our dog and got rid of the rug entirely and replaced it. She’s never peed on it again. It was something about the rug!
Anonymous
Vet appointment asap. Scooting can be a sign of a bunch of different things. Cats can get very impacted an@l glands that are difficult/impossible to express at home. It’s very painful for them but cats are notoriously good at hiding pain. My poor guy never scooted or anything, but one day I came home and he had an extra hole in him. The gland had burst and abscessed. I was of course a hysterical mess and felt like the worst cat mom ever, but the pet ER got him squared away in like an hour. He had to get manually expressed every 4 months for the next like 5 years or so until they started expressing themselves normally. He still gets checked every few months just in case.
anon
Take him to the vet to see if he has an inflamed @nal gland. It’s not as common for cats, but I had one kitty where it had to be manually expressed.
I have the Bissell Little Green ProHeat which is a good for small spots, but not sure about an entire apartment.
Anon
I don’t actually think steam cleaner is the best option for this. I would instead go with the Kobasan snow system (but I’ve not done this myself; I just hired the professionals after an unreliable cat sitter resulted in dozens of accidents during a trip, and the results were fabulous).
A veterinarian can check the anal gland as someone else mentioned or do a “sanitary clip” if the issue is more to do with too much fluffy fur (and also advise on whether there’s some kind of GI or diet factor).
An.On.
My cat has been pooping on the carpet too and I was just going to ask for suggestions! We had a bad time maybe a year or so ago, and when I took her in the vet said that she was having stomach troubles (not to be gross but it was like, completely liquid deposits which I can guess is why she preferred to have them on the carpet) and she got put on a special diet and I figured that would also resolve the out of box poops themselves. Well, now, a year and change later, we’re back to pooping on the carpet – and it’s usually specific carpets. For example, if the bathroom rug gets left out, she will almost always poop on it, but if it’s put away, she might poop on the front door mat but only 10% of the time. I feel like that’s a good sign that it’s behavioral, but I can’t figure out how to stop this!
Anon
My cat did that wiping thing and it was an impacted, infected anal gland. It was during lockdown and I couldn’t get him into the vet and it burst at home, very very gross. Get your cat to the vet.
Anonymous
Oh my goodness, this impacted anal gland thing is horrifying! I had no idea! Making vet appointment now
Anon
Is this an aging thing or perimenopause thing?
I get tired at night and fall asleep easily. Get up multiple times a night to pee but fall asleep fast. But often, between 3-4, I am just awake, like my sleep shift has ended. It used to be that my sinuses gave me problems to where the pressure would build to where I had to wake up and blow my nose, but that’s not it now. I can read on my phone for 30 minutes and usually reset and go back to bed (it helps if I turn the thermostat from 74 to 72, but I’ve never had hot sweats due to being on a low-dose pill for HRT, which has been great). I know that older people can have dual-sleep cycles, but I was thinking that that was for retiree than me.
Anon
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve had to keep my room colder. Going to bed with it a bit cold helps me sleep all the way through the night.
Anon
Have you been checked for sleep apnea? Sometimes frequent wakings at night to pee are really wake ups related to sleep apnea.
Anon
Following now — you have my attention. Signed, woman who has always seemed to need to go but after a v-delivery was never able to put it off until morning like maybe I could have done previously (and regrets every beer with dinner)
Anon
If it’s correlated with giving birth, it likely actual is your bladder/pelvic floor, not sleep apnea.
Anon
I couldn’t sleep in a room that warm! Ours is in the low 60s at night. during the day we turn up the heat to low70s. Try cooling the room down.
Anonymous
I love how Americans simply do not care about the earth at all. Low 60s in a hot place in summer is absurd. Get a fan and cope.
Anon
I’m American but this sounds really cold to me and I’m perimenopuasal and run hot! I’d need full length PJs and a heavy blanket to sleep at that temp.
Anon
Agreed. Also American and that sounds really cold to me as well. In fact anything below about 66 makes my face hurt because it’s cold. I keep the temperature about 72 at night in the summer and 68 in the winter. Love it how I’ve been lumped in with all other Americans. /s And unless you live somewhere that is hotter than the gates of hell with high humidity thrown in do not come at me about my 72 degree sleeping temperature.
Anon
Way to assume they’re. I live in a cold climate and open the window.
Anon
*there (autocorrect)
Betsy
Could it be a stress thing? I usually find that 3am is my stress witching hour. Sometimes I wake up and worry about whatever is stressing me out, but sometimes it presents more as just a burst of stress hormones that wake me up and leave me a little too wired to sleep.
Cat
-Consider a colder room. We set our bedroom AC to 64 at night for the most restful sleep.
-If I wake up at that hour I’m prone to random worrying that isn’t productive. I literally think “stop it” to my own brain, or write down whatever the thing is on a little notepad, and then try to focus on a bland thing to get back to sleep. Amazingly trying to match my sleeping DH’s breathing will usually work quickly.
Anon
How do you do that and not freeze out a whole house of people (we are cats usually — temps this cold would bring riots or open windows to warm up)?
Anne-on
Window unit? I run cold as well and have fought to keep our upstairs aircon at 70 at night but my brother/guy friends would 100% keep the window units in their bedrooms to arctic temps at night.
Cat
We have mini-split AC. Each room has its own. We only turn them on when we’re actively using the room in question.
Anonymous
I would keep the thermostat at 70 or below. 74 is way too hot for sound sleep. No alcohol–a drink in the evening can cause you to wake up in the middle of the night. And magnesium supplements or a bath with epsom salts at bedtime can help you stay asleep.
Anonymous
Biphasic sleep. It’s a thing, even in not older people: https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20220107-the-lost-medieval-habit-of-biphasic-sleep
Anon
OMG — two sleeps explains so much! Thank you for posting!
Anon
Omg. For years I have insisted on taking a nap before bedtime and that it helps me sleep better. Everyone always thinks I’m crazy. Reading more about this, I think I have two night shift sleeps. Explains everything!
Formerly Lilly
There’s an interesting book on this – At Days Close: Night in Times Past, by A. Roger Ekirch
Anon
Are you having alcohol before bed? Even one glass of wine will do it to me. The White Wine Wide-Awakes.
Anon
Nope. I maybe have a drink a week — too many empty calories to warrant on the regular.
Vicky Austin
The White Wine Wide-Awakes sounds like a wonderful, chatty, big-sister-life-advice type memoir.
Anon
I wish it were. Instead it’s anxiety-obsessing over problems that seem huge in the middle of the night, but are quite small by light of day. Maybe I should try redirecting into the other thing, though.
Anon
A THC indica gummy works wonders for me. I take one almost every night right before bed. It takes couple of hours to get absorbed into your system and that’s when it will be most effective i.e. the 3:00 am wake up period.
Anon
My sleep patterns became very disrupted with perimenopause. I have night sweats.
But also, I started getting up at night multiple times a night to pee, which I never did before. I have never had kids, or any urinary issues or medical problems that could explain you.
My gyn said this can happen with perimenopause. She prescribed vaginal estrogen topical cream, that can help some peri-uretheral atrophy that occurs at this age. I haven’t started it yet, but I’m curious if it will help the night-time peeing urge.
Car
How is the new/used car buying environment these days? Bay area, planning to purchase a car in the next few weeks. Not picky about make or model or new/certified pre owned. Any tips?
Anon
I bought a used car back in March. My assessment: the market for anything good is insane. Think, even 6-8 year old Volvos are $7k to $10k more than they should be.
Anon
+1
I just sold a 15 year old Lexus SUV. It was in great condition for its age, low mileage for its age, and I sold it back to the dealer for $9000. The blue book value pegged it around $5-6000 for its age. And I’m sure the dealer will sell it for 12-15K.
But that was a reliable Lexus/Toyota, very popular model.
Anonymous
gift help needed for 13 yr old twins! I’m attending a birthday party for AFAB twins soon, I don’t really know the kids but am a new friend of one of their parents. birthday theme is pink & old Hollywood glamour, do I just give the kids each a $20 gift card or is there something more specific I can get them? I’ve never been good at gifting and the rest of my friends only have young children who still are placated by rubber duckies.
Anonymous
What is an AFAB twin?
Anon
Yeah I’m a twin mom and have never heard this…
Anon
Assigned female at birth. Not a twin-specific thing.
Anon
Assigned Female at Birth
And OP – I am begging you to please, please, please stop. If either or both of these kids identifies as tr*ns, then by all means respect their gender identity. If they do not, this type of linguistic absurdity just annoys people who might otherwise be allies and confuses people who do not spend their time keeping up with the latest lingo.
Gift cards are the preferred gift in this age range unless you know them well. You can either ask the parents what stores they like or shop Amazon if you are not morally opposed.
Anon
Assigned Female at Birth
Anonymous
You mean for girls?
Anon
Yeah by mentioning their assigned gender I’d assume one or both of the kids is trans or non-binary. But then you don’t mention that being the case. I’m confused.
Anon
Jfc. If they’re AFAB and they’re not out as tr@ns or non binary you can just call them girls.
OP
One child does identifies herself as a girl, the other one uses they pronouns and originally used “she” pronouns until the last year or so when they decided to use they pronouns. I have met the kids once or twice, which is how I learned about the pronoun change.
Anonymous
So how ’bout you just say you need help choosing gifts for 13-year-olds? People will then give you gender-neutral suggestions, which most gifts for 13-year-olds are anyway since what they really want is cash or the equivalent.
Anon
She gets to say what she wants to say. No one is hurting you by identifying these children the way she does.
OP
haha I know this crowd here – if I simply said twins someone would want to know which gender. besides, the NB twin is out to their parents and I was told they were AFAB by one of their parents, it’s not a secret by any means. I do, however, thought this crowd would be more respecting of a kid choosing their own pronouns and me using those pronouns the kid chose.
to those who had good suggestions on what type of gift cards are appropriate for this age group without any snark, thank you!
Anon
Money is the best gift for kids that age
Moose
These guides have a lot of ideas! One for tweens, one for teens:
https://www.nytimes.com/wirecutter/gifts/best-gifts-for-tweens/
https://www.nytimes.com/wirecutter/gifts/best-gifts-for-teens/
Anne-on
Gift cards to either target or a local coffee place/fast casual place are super popular. Qdoba/Chipotle/Five Guys/Crumbl/etc. This was my son’s Xmas gift from his sitter and he was thrilled to be able to buy lunch or dinner on his own for days off of school.
OP
Thanks! good to know that I was on the right track with gift cards. I was thinking either target or maybe to a movie theater, but fast casual food sounds like a better idea
Anonymous
If you prefer to get them something tangible, my 13 y.o. daughter and her friends appear to enjoy the following gifts: lululemon Everywhere belt bag, water bottles in fun colors, Sol de Janeiro body mists, body scrubs, sheet masks with animal faces on them, scented candles, and scented hand creams.
anon
All of this. And candy and makeup brushes.
Anonymous
Girl twins?! What is this AFAB nonsense. Why are you being weird.
Anon
Books are always the answer. Check out the ALA list of banned books for the age range. You can never go wrong with that.
Anonymous
Ohmygoodness…
So you’re looking for gift ideas for 13 year old girls you don’t know very well?Either ask the parents which store is best for a gift card or give that amount in cash.
Seventh Sister
I have a daughter around that age, and a Starbucks gift card for each might be a big hit. It’s not super gender-specific and kids that age often like going to get “coffee” and snacks with their friends (the sugary drinks are very popular). Another suggestion might be a fancy journal or notebook with a new pen.
Anonymous
Starbucks GC + cup. Amazon gift card.
test run
Does anyone with quartz countertops have any recommendations for getting out/preventing stains? We just moved into a house with brand new beautiful light quartz countertops and they practically stain every time I look at them. Googling just tells me that “quartz is highly resistant to stains!” which does not appear to be the case. Even in the case of coffee/wine (which they manufacturer concedes will stain) the recommendation is to gently clean with a cloth and dish soap, which does absolutely nothing. Our old house had dark granite counters which were not my choice aesthetically but everything came off which a damp rag, so I’m at a total loss here. I broke down and tried to use a bleach cleaner today (against google’s advice) and it just turned a coffee stain purple.
Cerulean
Are you sure it’s quartz? Could it be quartzite? I haven’t had quartz counters, but hydrogen peroxide is awesome at getting out red wine from various surfaces. I’ve dealt with turmeric and other tough stains on my counter by first using a bit of Bon Ami or Barkeeper’s friend to scrub lightly and then leaving a rag or paper towel soaked in peroxide overnight on the spot. I would try that and then scale up to other cleaning solutions overnight (vinegar? bleach?) if it doesn’t work. You might also benefit from applying a countertop sealer, even if Google says it shouldn’t be necessary.
test run
Thank you! I tossed my mostly empty barkeeper’s friend during the move, but will grab some and try that. These are the counters: https://www.msisurfaces.com/quartz-countertops/calacatta-laza-quartz/ (you’ll notice in the description is says “Durable, easy to clean, and maintenance-free” *face palm*). I’m also going to look into applying a sealer.
anonshmanon
This is interesting. The fine print on the manufacturer page says they don’t guarantee that any of the names they use reflect actual geological composition. So it could be somewhat quartz but not quartz enough to really have the impenetrable qualities that we usually praise in quartz countertops…
Anon
Quartz is always a manmade material. It wouldn’t be like a quartzite that is really more like a marble.
anonshmanon
are you referring to quartz-countertops? Quartz (the mineral) is by no means always manmade, it is the second most abundant mineral in the earth’s crust. Since the website mentions geological composition and deposit locations, that indicates that these are actual natural materials mined from somewhere and not manufactured.
Anon
+1 on making sure that it is actually quartz. However, if it is actually quartz it should not be sealed, so make sure that it wasn’t sealed. If it is sealed, consider removing the seal because it is actually the seal that is stained. Bar Keeper’s Friend with a soft cloth should get the spot off easily enough if there isn’t an issue with a seal or with the material itself.
Cerulean
I have a longer rec in mod, but hydrogen peroxide is great for red wine stains.
Anonymous
Is it possible that these are marble, not quartz? Do you have documentation of the actual material?
Anon
I’m wearing a great WFH blazer today and wanted to share. It’s called the Slip On Blazer at WHBM. It has one inside button and a tie. Feels kind of like a bathrobe, looks great on camera! The sleeves also roll up nicely. I have it in black. I’ll put it in the comments for anyone interested.
Anon
https://www.whitehouseblackmarket.com/store/product/slipon+blazer/570318145
anon
I saw that one but worried about the bathrobe vibe. Would it look okay off-camera?
Anon
I tie to the side and personally think it looks nice of camera, but your opinion may vary. I bought mine in-store so your local store probably has them stocked as well.
Anon
Off*
Anon
I have an MM La Fleur jardigan that is this shape (the Merrit I think) and it’s surprisingly versatile.
Anon
Looking for babymoon advice! I am only about 6.5 weeks pregnant, so I know it’s insanely early to even be thinking about, but I would be due in early March which makes the timing a bit more dicey with the holidays. If you were me would you go somewhere in October, or try to squeeze something in between Thanksgiving and Christmas? We are in the Midwest, so ideally would love to go somewhere warmer but we’re also considering Europe.
Anonymous
Ohh the Christmas markets in Germany would be lovely!
Anonymous
39 weeks pregnant and would vote for October! I did a babymoon to Hawaii at 20 weeks and felt much more comfortable/able to get around than I did when I got closer to 30.
NYCer
October seems easier.
Anon
Depends where you want to go. October for Europe, early December for Caribbean.
Anon
Congrats! I just got back from my babymoon and I’m 24 weeks pregnant. I’m glad we snuck in the trip on the early side. I think I wouldn’t have been able to do as much walking around if I was well into 3rd trimester. I got pretty tired as it is.
Locked in Place by Spouse?
I need a gut check on whether I’m being irrational or justifiably frustrated here. Sometimes I feel very locked down by my spouse’s job, and frustrated because if the roles/genders were reversed, I don’t think there would be any question of whose career to prioritize/be flexible to accommodate. I am a partner in big law and my husband has a job that is geographically locked down (think government employee), and he’s not interested in moving anywhere that would require starting over. We’d also have a much lower pension if we moved away before his retirement, and our access to retiree health benefits wouldn’t be as good.
I don’t have any desire to move at this point and have no intention of living far from my husband, but sometimes it’s frustrating to visit another place, particularly one where my firm has offices, and talk about “maybe this may be a nice place to move and I could easily work here” and have him immediately put the kibosh on it by saying “but my job is in X place.” Note, we can get by just fine on my salary and don’t have children, so there’s not the usual other types of ties keeping us in this area (though we grew up here and our families are here). I just can’t help feeling like if I were in his role, and he were a big law partner, I would either not be working or my job would flex to accommodate his, but in our case, I feel like it’s the opposite. Am I being unfair to him in thinking this?
Anon
If you’re talking about federal retiree health benefits, that is a huge, huge thing. Your current income + his benefits combine to a secure retirement for the two of you that most people can only dream of.
Yes, his job is in X place, and y’all are rooted there if you’re going to have this life.
The grass isn’t greener on the other side. You two have a good thing going. Don’t mess that up.
Anon
+1
Do you really think moving to another city, where you husband could become a house husband would lead to a healthy evolution of your relationship? Really?
But I hear you. I would probably feel the same amount of frustration at times. I do understand your logic.
But there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t wish I had a good government job with guaranteed retirement pension and health benefits. The health insurance is truly priceless. Priceless.
anon
I see where you’re coming from, but pension and benefits are something, too. In general, do you feel like he supports and values your career? Since you don’t really want to move, it seems like maybe there’s a bigger issue or attitude here that’s annoying you.
Cat
It feels like there’s something bigger going on here – bc you’ve essentially vocalized a random daydream given your explanation, and are annoyed that your husband is being practical about it.
What’s wrong with him liking and finding satisfaction in his job even though it doesn’t come with the same $$$ pay? Do you feel like he’s unsupportive generally?
Anon
Agree with this. Also, if you grew up there and your families are there, I would consider that a pretty big tie – you likely have a very strong social network there, so if I were you I would examine what about your current life is making you feel like this change would be beneficial.
Anonymous
Yes. And you’re also picking stupid fights for no reason. You have a good job where you are. There is no reason at all to force his to quit his job and not work and be totally dependent on you except your vacation whims? Stop being a jerk. If a poster was like oh my husband works at a firm in NY and wants to transfer to the Chicago office for fun even though I’d lose my job and pension and be unemployed we’d all tell her to file for divorce. Deal with your escape fantasies without bringing this up to your husband.
Anon
I mean we do get that from trailing academia spouses and the advice seems to be to suck it up.
anono
I can understand why it rubs you the wrong way, but I think this is just part of being married, not necessarily a gendered thing. It’s good to accommodate your partner’s dreams and goals when possible. I work in a career path that isn’t outstanding pay-wise, but when my husband was applying to graduate schools, he chose cities that would offer me opportunities in my chosen field, rather than rural areas where I would have few options (remote work wasn’t common at the time). He didn’t look down on me or resent me for limiting his options. He was trying to make room for me to succeed too. Would you really want your spouse to give up his job just because you earn a lot and your job is the priority? I doubt that would be an ideal solution in the long run either.
Anon
Unfair by thinking it? There is something appealing about daydreaming about dramatic changes in location and thinking it would somehow make your life better. That said, you did not identify what about those other places appeals to you (other than they are different) so I cannot blame your husband for not entertaining those thoughts. And if you are dwelling on your resentment of him for keeping you in your current location, then honestly yes. I do think you are being unfair.
Ask yourself what your fellow ‘Rettes would say if someone came here and said: “My husband wants me to quit my job with a pension and great benefits to move somewhere else, despite the fact that my job it not portable, our families are here, it would cut my pension, and we would have worse retiree health benefits. He either wants me to be a housewife (we can live on his salary) or start over with an entirely new career.” Because I can tell you, people would universally tell her not to do it or at the very least would want him to enunciate a better reason than just wanting to live somewhere new.
I would be curious on why you want to move (other than feeling trapped in your current location) and what you want him to do. Because I have to tell you, many people are “trapped” in their locations – by spouses’ jobs, family obligations, kids in school, jobs that are not portable, etc. If you are actively resenting him, that is a problem I would encourage you to think about. Because you are essentially asking him to give up a lot financially (a government pension is an extremely valuable thing and don’t even get me started on health benefits) and emotionally (assuming he likes his job) and I would expect anyone would balk at that regardless of gender or spouse’s profession.
ArenKay
All of this.
Senior Attorney
It seems like you don’t really want to move, you don’t have any reason to move, but you’re upset that your husband won’t humor your occasional fantasies without immediately being a killjoy? How about just telling him that? “Sweetie, I totally get that your job is here, and I don’t really even want to move, but would it kill you to have a fantasy conversation with me once in a while?”
test run
+1 this is a much briefer way to say what I tried to get at below!
Vicky Austin
Love this phrasing.
Anon
This is an odd way of thinking about this. I can’t imagine not wanting my spouse to work and a pension and medical benefits is well worth sticking in an area for. My husband and I love to play fantasy life when we travel but ultimately are practical about where we live. Sounds like maybe you just have a communication issue where you want to dream a bit and he doesn’t?
Lily
Yes, you are. It’s his job. He clearly thinks working is important and wants to keep working, and there is currently no compelling reason for him to leave your city. If you bring up the fact that you make more money and he could just stop working, I would not be surprised if the conversation went badly. Just because women get treated like crap does not mean you should treat your husband like crap.
Anon
Yes I think this is the key thing. OP you seem put out that if the genders were reversed, your husband would be calling the shots with his biglaw job (to your detriment, in this example…). It’s a shame that’s so often true in reality but does NOT mean it’s okay or that you should want to emulate that since you’re the one with the big money job in your scenario.
test run
You’re not be irrational and I don’t necessarily think that all frustration needs to be justified – these are your feelings! They’re valid! I am in a somewhat similar position in that I make over two times what my spouse makes but we are geographically stuck where his extremely niche job is (think tenured professor in an esoteric field). Before I met my husband I lived abroad/in major cities in the US and now I live in a college town in a state whose politics I do not love. In general I’m happy with my day-to-day life, but I do feel pangs of sadness/frustration that we don’t have the ability to pick up and move to New York or somewhere else I would rather be living (I work in medicine so my job is very moveable!). When I get really frustrated it is not necessarily about the fact that I can’t move, but at times when I feel like my spouse isn’t understanding/vocalizing the sacrifices associated with his job. It’s not like I need him to constantly be atoning, but every once in a while I appreciate when he acknowledges the sacrifice and thanks me for making it. It’s just nice to be understood. Do you think hearing him say something like that might help with the frustration? When you verbalize your daydream, he might feel guilty that you can’t act on it so he’s shutting it down to avoid feeling bad (this is what my husband used to do before we figured out this dynamic). Maybe if he knows, “Hey, I’m not actually looking for you to seriously consider moving to Dream City, I just want my feelings validated that it would be nice if we could!” that might help?
Anon
Same boat here. Spouse is a tenured prof in a small college town in a state whose politics we hate. I’m actually not sure where we’d go if given the choice – I’m not a fan of big city living, and the cost of living in major US cities would involve a huge lifestyle hit for us. I’d love to get away from winter but the reasonably affordable states with better weather generally have similar or worse politics. I still don’t love being stuck even though I’m not sure where else I’d rather live.
anono
Might be worth noting that feelings are not always valid. You can go to a very dark place if you think your feelings are an accurate representation of life.
Anon
OMG yes you are being irrational, you don’t even have any desire to move! You’re creating problems out of nothing and/or misplacing your frustration about something else in your marriage.
Anonymous
What would you like his response to be? Have you told him that?
Grass is always greener I guess, but I’m a biglaw partner whose spouse moved for my job and he still hasn’t found work and doesn’t seem that interested in finding work. It’s been great to have him at home but there’s a lot of stress that goes along with being the sole income earner, especially when you feel like you didn’t agree to that.
Anon
Preach my soul sister. If the roles were reversed, my husband would have moved for my job – my earning power is 5x his.
Yes it’s irritating. After a long time, I figured out my exact problem: it SUCKS to be the breadwinner*and* have to make huge sacrifices for your spouse’s job that hobbles your earning power.
Anon
If you’re just taking a moment to vent, I’ve shared that feeling at times as well. I’m in a significantly more demanding and lucrative job than my partner, and I’ve for sure had those fleeting moments where I wished that we could have a fifties-style relationship but with the gender roles reversed. I have male colleagues who play a lot of lip service to modern values but still have essentially that arrangement in their personal relationships. That said, I think real equality is not just a reversal of who gets to be accommodated, but a real partnership where both sides get to bring their views and opinions to the table in reaching some compromise. I don’t think it matters at all that you make more if your partner values his career and doesn’t want to drop it on a dime. I think his views would still deserve to be considered in the balance even if he were a stay at home partner and just didn’t want to uproot his life when you’ve been able to have a successful career in your current hometown.
But I still genuinely feel you on the frustration part — compromise is hard! Few in my family have actually tried it. My mom and both my grandmothers were SAHM who just followed their husbands where their careers took them, and I’m not to shy to admit that sometimes I’m jealous by that arrangement.
Anon
I don’t think you’re being far. You are having a daydream out loud and want him to feel the same way,but he doesn’t -that’s normal. If you actually wanted to move presumably you’d have a serious conversation and see if there was a way to make it work for your whole family and talk through important things like retirement and how to find work for both of you that makes sense. But this sounds like you’re annoyed that your husband is boring or not spontaneous which is a different issue.
Anonie
I think there’s a distinction between your husband flexing career as needed in order to support the other your (higher-earning, higher-demands) career, which would be reasonable, and expecting your husband to flex his career to support your random desire to move to a new city, which is not. So no, if the genders were reversed, and a male BigLaw partner was asking his wife to give up her geographic-dependent job just so they could check out a new city where his firm had an office, I don’t think that would be reasonable.
If there were an actual career-related reason for the move, i.e. opportunity to be New City Office Managing Partner, that would require a conversation to entertain whether a move is the right choice for the whole family. But that’s not your situation.
Anon
I think you’re being unfair. I’m assuming that you want to move to a city where you have no friends or family – maybe I’m wrong? But being schlepped off to some new city to start from scratch as an adult, where the only person you know is a spouse who works 80 hours a week, seems like the opposite of fun. What is the appeal of this city for you?
Seventh Sister
I think this is something where gender roles suck for men, too. Guys often feel pressured to have jobs or keep jobs in scenarios where a woman would quit a paying job or step back quite a bit. For Pete’s sake, I had a friend ask me (in 2007) if my husband was planning to quit his biglaw job because any guy who took paternity leave want’s really serious about making partner. And families don’t help here – my MIL thinks I have a career because my husband is so incredibly unsuccessful at providing for his family, not because I wanted one.
What you’re describing sounds like an irritating response from him. That said, my husband muses aloud about how much more wonderful our lives would be if we lived in X, but never presents it as a plan or takes steps to try and make it a plan (like finding a job in X state or whatever). There are tradeoffs anywhere – no place is perfect.
Anon
Adding onto the jewelry questions – my husband and I designed my engagement ring and had it custom made by a local person. It didn’t turn out quite as I expected and have never been in love with it. It’s also too small since having kids so I don’t wear it much. Has anyone redesigned their ring or reset the stone in similar circumstances? I’m not sure how my husband would feel.
Senior Attorney
I feel like you’re the one who wears it, so you are the one who gets to decide. Plus I know if it were my husband, he’d want me to have a ring I loved. You can always fudge the truth a little and tell your husband your taste has changed over the years.
Anon
Can you ask your husband and maybe ask that resetting the ring be an anniversary present?
anon
Embarrassing question, but I need some way to handle this before I can see a doctor. For the past 4-6 weeks or so, I have been getting sudden diarrhea several times a week. It happens most often within 30-60 minutes of eating a meal OR first thing in the morning. It’s really become a drag; I’m constantly scouting out where the nearest bathroom is. No clue whether this is IBS or recent food sensitivity, though I haven’t noticed any particular patterns with food triggers. Not looking for a diagnosis, exactly, but is there anything I can do to stop this from happening?! I know it’s not great to be on anti-diarrhea meds for long stretches but that would be better than making a beeline to the bathroom.
Anon
Not to be alarmist and I truly have no idea but on the off-chance that it could be due to something serious like colon/rectal cancer, I hope you get to a doctor ASAP. They won’t be grossed out. Again, I very much doubt/hope it is that serious, but would urge to get checked out soon in case there’s a possibility.
Anon
This. It’s an early sign of colon cancer, which is on the rise among younger women.
Anon
Yes please get it checked out.
Anon
Well, obviously start keeping track of what you’re eating and probably start trying a low FODMAP diet. I had something similar happen about a year ago and I think it was probably stress related. Take fiber, it will make it more pleasant. I also took omeprazole for a few weeks and that seemed to quiet things down a lot.
No Problem
For me, this is a symptom of anxiety that was solved with an SSRI. I agree with the other poster that you should definitely get checked out by a doctor ASAP to rule out more serious causes, but anxiety, a food intolerance, or something similar is most likely to blame if you don’t have any other symptoms of cancer or other GI issues like Crohn’s or colitis (unexplained weight loss, blood in your poo, etc.). Start a food journal and see if you notice any patterns. If it’s a food intolerance, removing that food or foods from your diet will decrease frequency.
Anon
I would be concerned that there’s an infection. This was early c.diff. for me.
Anon
This was early c diff for me too, although it got bad quickly and definitely didn’t go on for weeks like this. But definitely see a doctor.
Anon
Yea, mine went on for 6 weeks before it was severe enough for an emergency trip to the dr.!
Anon8
This is exactly how lactose intolerance first presented for me. So definitely get cleared for more serious problems, but try giving up dairy (or taking Lactaid) and see if that solves it.
Peaches
Some sugar substitutes have this effect (google “sugar free gummy bears reviews” for evidence). Maybe something you eat changed ingredients recently?
Stress comes out in the gut, too. But I second the above poster to get it checked out, especially with the sudden onset. Hope you get some answers soon.
Anon
Start keeping track of what you are eating to see if there is any connection to diet until you get in to see a doctor. This could be something as easy as lactose intolerance to something much more significant.
anon
Any chance you had changed your birth control? That happened for me on NuvaRing.