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Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Bianca Blouse

This is my first time noticing this blouse, but it must be one of L'Agence's stalwarts because, upon search, it turns up in a ZILLION different colors, some on sale for as low as $149 (but in mostly lucky sizes only). For sale versions, check Barney's Warehouse, The Outnet, Saks OFF5TH — and for full-price options in more sizes and colors, check Nordstrom, Barneys, Net-a-Porter, and a TON of other stores. The pictured black blouse is full price at $325. Bianca Blouse Two plus-size options are here and here, both at Nordstrom. This post contains affiliate links and CorporetteMoms may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!

Sales of note for 12.5

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

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349 Comments

  1. I know it’s hard to think about this on the first day of spring, but I’m planning a trip to NE this fall to see the fall foliage. Can anyone give me some insider tips? Where should we fly into? Can we stay at one place and rent a car for day trips, or is it better to stay different places each night? Any suggestions for places to stay are also appreciated. No AirBNB though…hotels or quaint inns preferred. Thanks a bunch!

    1. Acadia/Bar Harbor. If you’ve never been to Boston, I’d fly there and spend a couple of days in the city and then drive up the Maine coast to Acadia.

    2. I recommend heading to White Mountains! You can drive the Kancamagus Highway and Route 302 up near Mt Washington and the Mt Washington Hotel. You could take the Cog Railway to the top of Mt Washington. I recommend the Mt Washington Hotel if you want spendy, Lovett’s Inn in Franconia if you want something like a B&B (they’re food is lovely), and Eagle Mountain Lodge in Jackson, NH if you want something more like an Inn.

      You could either fly into Boston or Manchester NH.

        1. Also consider driving to the summit of Mount Washington. I believe the auto road closes at the end of October, but the view is insane.

    3. There are so many places to go, it’s hard to go wrong! I second the rec for the Kancamagus Highway. I’m also a huge fan of Vermont at that time of year, which is easy to swing through from NH. We had a lovely stay at the Kedron Valley Inn in Woodstock, and if you’re looking for a memorable splurge, I can’t recommend the Pitcher Inn in Warren highly enough. Everything you could want and more, including a fabulous general store across the street.

    4. Northampton, Massachusetts! The Pioneer Valley is gorgeous, with lots of places to walk and hike, and you’ll also benefit from the college-town amenities (really good brunch, cute shops, great local theaters for live music, a premier art gallery, extensive botanic gardens in huge Victorian greenhouses). Fly into Bradley in Hartford, rent a car, drive ~30m north, and stay downtown.

      (Hello, other Smithies!)

    5. White Mountains is great, loved Franconia Notch SP, Echo Lake SP, …. Also Vermont has maple sirup farms with fall activities around this time of year. We stayed near Montpelier once and it’s a nice area. Maine coast is also wonderful, and there are some state parks for hiking (Camden Hills SP, e.g.).

    6. I think where you fly into/where you stay will depend on how long you’re staying. I never turn down the opportunity to plug the Pine Tree State (worth a visit, worth a lifetime…): but if you’re taking a long weekend, I wouldn’t recommend Acadia, it’s far especially if you’re flying in to Boston.

      Midcoast Maine is gorgeous, closer and doable for a long weekend from Portland or Boston. Area includes, Damariscotta, Boothbay, Camden, Rockland, Rockport, Belfast. I love the Newcastle Inn (walk-able to village of Damariscotta, very cute B&B). Depending on your interests you can visit light houses (love Owls Head Light outside Rockland in fall, gorgeous), go see the Olson House where Wyeth painted (it’s the house pictured in “Christina’s World”), drive up Mt. Battie (or hike it), hit antique shops etc.

      Love the White Mountains idea, especially the cog railway. If you take the first train of the day, it’s the steam locomotive (rest of the day its diesel).

      I would also recommend the Berkshires. Lenox and Lee of course, but my favorite towns are Great Barrington and West Stockbridge, you can also work a trip to Northhampton and the Pioneer Valley in (via Scenic 9).

      1. You can fly into Bangor, ME which is only ~1 hour from Acadia. I just suggested flying into Boston if she has a full week and wants to also see the city of Boston. I agree in a long weekend it doesn’t make sense to fly to Boston and drive to Bar Harbor but I’d still plug Acadia – just fly into a closer airport.

      2. I agree with Gigi wholehearted. Midcoast Maine is beautiful. If you’re flying into Boston, you can take a small prop plane (9 seater) from Boston to Owls Head on Cape Air. The flight is an hour and you can’t beat the views of it’s clear.

  2. So, when I told my boss was resigning, she seemed kind of happy. Her whole attitude changed. She has never been this welcoming and nice since the time I interviewed. I offered that I was flexible as to when my last day was but she encouraged me to leave in two weeks (or less, if I wanted). This is very weird.

    The rest of the team acted slightly less friendly. I would assume that is a normal reaction.

    1. I don’t know. I think a lot of bosses know they shouldn’t be jerks when you someone resigns, so could she just be falling back to a script that she knows? If she isn’t exactly the welcoming type could it just be that her generic script feels too friendly for her?

    2. It’s pretty common. A lot of bosses put on a happy face when someone resigns because they’re trying hard not to be a jerk. If she wasn’t thrilled with you, she may also be genuinely happy that she doesn’t have to work with you or worry about the possibility of firing you anymore and can hire someone who will be a better fit with her. (Not implying at all that you deserved to be fired but when you clash with a boss it’s always a possibility).

    3. She also may have known you were unhappy, or that the fit of the position wasn’t great for you — so there may be an element of being genuinely happy for you to move on to another position.
      I left a larger firm for a new-to-our-city firm doing similar work several years ago (so kind of like a start-up situation), and while the partners I notified expressed regret I was leaving, they also expressed that it seemed like a neat and exciting opportunity for me. I don’t thin it necessarily meant they were happy to see me go (and same for the OP).

    4. +1 to what everyone else said. I left a job where my boss and I didn’t get along. It wasn’t conflict, per se, we just really had an awkward relationship and nothing to say to each other. I always felt uncomfortable around him and uncomfortable with the work and at the organization in general. The day I gave notice was the first time I saw him seem genuinely happy while interacting with me, and I don’t attribute anything sinister to it. I think he could just tell how miserable I was in the job and was happy for me that I was moving on to something else (plus, no one likes working with an unhappy person, even one who is doing their best to put on a happy face).

    5. I can’t speak to the happy attitude, but my office tries to get resigning employees, particularly lawyers, out the door as quickly as possible after they give notice. Employees who have given notice are not very productive and keeping them around can be bad for morale. In some cases we’re concerned that they will try to lure clients away with them, so we want to cut off their access to client files and contacts.

    6. I’ve been your boss- the person that resigned was in the wrong position. She was smart and will do really well in her new role- and we didn’t have to keep doing the dance of her just barely meeting my / the role’s expectations. I offered to be a reference for her and actively encouraged her to look for other roles -‘internally and externally- and tried to find a good fit for her internally. We didn’t find one and so I was thrilled she found something that worked well for her.

    7. IA guy who reported to me resigned in January. I was happy when he resigned.

      Nice guy and I like him a lot. But he wasn’t happy and I was happy for him that he had found something better for him. I was also happy that I wouldn’t have to give him an I favorable review. Third, I was glad he wouldn’t be around any more with his unhappiness to infect the rest of the team.

      I still like him, we are still in touch on a friendly professional basis, and I’m still happy he left. And so is he.

      Sometimes it’s just the right thing all around.

    8. One of my first bosses had a sign above his desk that said “all who come to this office bring joy. Some when they arrive, and others when they depart.” Harsh but true.

      As a manager I usually have a feel for when someone is on their way out and sometimes it’s a relief when they quit, because then everyone can stop pretending they’re happy with each other. And it is a good moment, honestly, because they can move on to something that will make them happier and I can find someone who’s a better match for the position. Win-win for everyone.

      As for your co-workers, they may be somewhat upset because they’re going to have to pick up your work. Or, maybe it’s a case of, now that you’re going to be leaving they don’t have to have their happy-happy game faces on with you anymore. Who knows. In any case, your job now is to clean up your outstanding projects, transition your work as your manager directs, and leave gracefully. I wouldn’t try to stretch out the two weeks if there’s not enough work and your boss specifically said you don’t have to stay the whole time.

    9. Let me give you the flip side of this. I resigned in January from a job I had been at for 5 years. I had thought it was fairly obvious I wasn’t happy – I had been passed over for promotion the previous year and had been interviewing for awhile. But when I quit, people freaked. It was not pleasant. My bosses (immediate supervisor and her supervisor) were incredibly upset and kept asking “why? Why are you doing this? We don’t understand,” grilling me about my new a job, new salary, etc. and trying to counteroffer (I wasn’t interested). My immediate boss actually said something about going through “the stages of grief” over my departure and she was not kidding. I had co-workers burst into tears when it was announced, and then I had to sit through this horribly awkward conference call with our regional offices where people shared tearful remembrances of me, almost like I had died or something. Jeez Louise! First off, I had no idea I was that popular, as I didn’t even have many friends at work. See also, I had been passed over for promotion, so I couldn’t have been that indispensable or loved. Second, this is just a job, folks! People quit! It was terribly uncomfortable and I could not get out of there fast enough. So it could be worse. I would have much preferred fake, or even real, happiness to the overwrought emotionalism – real or fake (I kept thinking I was being punked) that I experienced.

      2. sometimes people are passed over for promotion because they are too indispensable in their current role. it really has nothing to do if the person is ready or the best person for the promoted role. it is completely that the organization cant afford to have the person our of their current position.

    10. I don’t think it’s weird. Usually a new job = moving up, and people who aren’t sociopaths are happy for other people when good things happen.

  3. I’m meeting a very senior woman exec in my company. I’m interviewing for a role and she would be my potential line manager’s boss. What should I be saying to her, or asking her?
    Any tips or advice welcome!

    1. Overall strategic questions about the direction of the department/business unit/etc. she leads, where the company is going, what she believe the top priorities for someone in the position/group you’re interview for should be for the company’s overall success. Your goal is to come across as personable, intelligent, and business savvy.

      FWIW – your strategy with this “very senior … exec” should be the same whether a woman or a man — I assume you weren’t suggesting that the strategy would be different based on the gender of the interviewer.

  4. Do y’all have a morning “routine”?

    I am not a morning person, at all, but I’ve realized having an order of nice things to do might make me slightly more personable than a swamp monster.

    I don’t shower in the morning, and I’m going to to try and remember to pick out my clothes/pack my bag the night before, but other than that: read book of quotes (i write down quotes i like), bathroom, make tea, clothes, makeup, hair. This sounds super basic but even this is organized for me.

    1. Yes absolutely – I am on autopilot in the morning. I do always pick out my clothes in the morning, though – usually while in the shower I plan what I’m going to wear.

    2. The strength of my morning happens the night before.
      -doing my stretches (autoimmune disorder = joint pain = need to do foam roller etc)
      – laying out my clothes
      – reading over my to do list – so I know exactly what to get started with in the morning/what i need for the day and laying all that out
      – drinking a glass of water (hydrate)
      – going to bed at a reasonable time

      My favorite morning activity that my husband and I do about 2-3 times a week is walking to work together. Its about a 40-50 minute walk so it really only adds 15 minutes to our commute time and it gives us a great time to talk about life, to enjoy being outside and to get some exercise in.

      1. I agree, walking to work is nice. In college I walked 15-20 minutes to class and I was awake and in a better mood by the time I got there. Unfortunately have to take subway now.

      2. Oh that’s lovely. We just swapped from a bus routine to a driving + walk routine and the car time (with the classical station) and 15 minute walk from parking spot to offices can be really nice.

      3. On some mornings my husband and I can take the first leg of our subway commute together. It is really nice.

      4. +1
        If I didn’t lay out my clothes and get my kids’ stuff in order the night before, morning would be a disaster. I also like to check my schedule before I go to bed, to make sure I know what times meetings are, etc.

    3. Breakfast. Best part of my morning. It’s usually the same thing every morning, I can make it in my sleep but breakfast plus coffee while I check the news or email is essential for me. When I don’t have time I try to repeat this at work with something I pick up on my way in.
      Also I’ll second everyone else – every morning where I’ve picked out my clothes the night before is better than any morning where I’m scrambling for what to wear and trying to steam it into being presentable.

    4. I’m a morning person and I still wouldn’t survive without a clear routine on workdays! I don’t have to be awake, I don’t have to think, I just have to do exactly the same thing every day and it will get my day off to a smooth start.

      Night before:
      -lay out clothes for work
      -pack gym back
      -prep breakfast and lunch

      Morning:
      -alarm
      -wash face, brush teeth
      -coffee is on timer; pour coffee and sip while packing food
      -get dressed
      -makeup/hair

    5. My morning routine is similar to yours, plus coffee. I find it helpful to do things in the same order everyday, and I do my makeup last because if need be I can skip makeup.
      I also have a trick I made up when I was a kid- sounds dumb but I assigned the 5 things I have to do every morning to my 5 fingers so I can physically run through a reminder list. Some sort of simale mnemonic might help you stay focused without adding another chore to your evening.

      1. + 1 to the same order. I’m totally thrown off and will forget something if I don’t stick to my order.

    6. I’m obsessed with the My Morning Routine newsletter but it hasn’t manifested in any sort of defined routine although I’ve started eating breakfast in bed as a antidote to my horrible morning sickness.

      Evening:
      Pack bag and get lunches prepped
      Set tea maker on timer
      Shower (with husband – such a lovely bonding ritual at the end of the day)
      Snuggle in bed from 9 or so
      Lights out at 10

      Morning:
      5:30 – Wake up light starts brightening for 6:00am alarm
      6:00 – husband gets up, feeds cat, uses bathroom, pulls lunches out of fridge
      6:15 – he returns with tea and cereal, we chat and snuggle with each other / cat
      6:40- get up, dressed, groomed
      7:15 – leave for work

      Gosh, I’m an absolute sloth in the morning. When I’m on my own, I tend to get up a bit quicker and spend more time doing email / reading the news etc. I might also have top up of cereal.

      1. I’m concerned your husband doesn’t actually exist. Showers together every night? Breakfast in bed every morning? Where did you find himmmmmmmm

        1. I know, I know, he’s incredible. I can’t wait to see him with our kid. I met him at the office – love at first sight for him, took me a bit longer.

          He does have flaws though – he sings at top volume while using the loo, has a very limited cooking repertoire (when I’m not there, he puts ketchup on pasta – gag), and has a giant family that pushes all my buttons.

          2. Ohc – it’s true. He joined a choir which I hoped would help him get it out of his system. Nope, just gave him a whole new repertoire of songs.

        2. I wish my ex was like this. I could not shower with him b/c we had a bath, and he liked to move around to much in the shower. I wanted him to be clean b/f we went into bed, but most of the time he refused to shower at all, so I was NOT to responsive to his overtures when he wanted me to do stuff to him. FOOEY!

          But your man sounds good. My ex could not carry a tune either, but I could never stand his singing at all. He did NOT know the words to songs that we played together, such as Boston and Boz Skaggs, so he just made them up. Again, it was NOT endearing to have a guy who just threw up start singing while I scraped the floor off. DOUBEL FOOEY!

          If I could find a guy like yours I’d be hapy to put up with singing off key! YAY!!!

    7. My workout/lunch/work bag is packed the night before. I try to be in bed by 11, but it’s frequently closer to midnight.

      445am get up
      5:00 at the gym/out for a run
      6:00- 6:15 return from gym, get in the shower
      6:30 – out of the shower, get dressed, walk the dog, brush hair &teeth.
      between 7 and 715- leave home.

      I pack my breakfast and eat it at work. On the occasional day I don’t work out in the morning, it takes me about half an hour between waking up and leaving. 10-15 if DH walks the dog. I’m a huge fan of having as much prep done the night before.

        1. I try really hard to be in bed by 11, but 1130 to potentially midnight is more typical. I also don’t need a ton of sleep, so that’s enough for me to not be tired again until bedtime.

    8. Yup, I’m definitely a routine person. That routine has changed over the years, but right now it looks like:

      When DH is not traveling:

      5:20 Wake up, check phone to see what asinine thing the president has teeted
      Make coffee
      Put together DS’s lunch, sometimes my own lunch as well
      5:40 Drink coffee
      6:00 shower/get dressed
      6:30 breakfast with DS while DH showers
      7:00 or 7:30, walk to work
      7:30-8 arrive at office

      When DH is traveling (like this week), I change up the order.

      5:20 wake up, immediately shower and dress for work
      Make coffee/lunches
      DS awake between 6 and 6:30
      7:45-8:00 (earlier if we’re taking the bus, later if we drive) – leave to bring DS to school

      I don’t typically do a lot of prep in the evenings, just focus on getting the house in order before I go to bed. Kitchen cleaned up, coffeepot washed, trash/compost taken out when needed, DS needs to get his backpack ready for the day (homework back in, piano books on lesson day, etc.) But having things put away before bed means that my mornings run smoothly, since everything is in its place.

    9. Mine goes like this:
      5:15-:5:30–hit the snooze button on the alarm
      5:30–wake up and shower
      5:40–get dressed
      5:45-6:10–dry hair, curl hair, put on make-up (just powder, mascara, and lip gloss)
      6:10-6:20–feed dog, get lunch out of fridge, pour coffee (set this up the night before)
      I then drive about 30 minutes to work and drink my coffee and eat yogurt while checking email in the morning.

      It helps so much to make lunches at night for me and the kids, set the kids clothes out the night before, make sure their backpacks are ready to go and all of that. Then in the morning, my husband gets them up and off to school on his way to work and I just have to get myself ready.

    10. I always set out my clothes, pack my bag and pack my lunch the night before. It helps sooo much in the morning. I also commit to wearing what I picked out the night before, no morning-of changing my mind unless the weather is drastically different from the forecast. I also make tea at work rather than making it at home which saves time

      Alarm
      Snooze
      Snooze
      Read in bed on my phone for 15-20 mins (email, check the news)
      Quick breakfast of cereal or decide to eat something at work instead
      Get dressed while my flat iron heats up
      Brush teeth, bare minimum makeup, fix my hair
      Out the door

      If I skip over the phone reading, I can go from awake to out the door in 10 mins.

    11. Laying out my clothes the night before has been a game-changer for me. It sounds so simple but something about taking that decision off my plate before I go to bed makes a difference.

      Night before:
      — Lay out gym clothes
      — Pack lunch bag with breakfast and lunch, leave in the fridge
      — Pack gym bag with work clothes

      Morning:
      — Snooze until 10 minutes before I have to leave
      — Brush teeth, vitamins, splash water on my face, moisturizer
      — Grab lunch bag from the fridge. If running early enough, coffee on the way out the door.
      — Gym
      — Get ready at the gym: shower, skincare, hair, makeup, in that order. I can skip the hair and/or makeup if I’m in a rush.
      — Subway to office. If timing works out, meet husband on the way.
      — Coffee and breakfast happen at the office

      I go to the gym three or four mornings a week, but if I’m not going to the gym I like to get up at the same time and linger at my kitchen island with coffee and a novel. No news until I’m on the subway.

    12. I am an annoying morning person! Also, I LOVE a routine.

      I do not do much the night before unless I am going to the gym before work in the morning. Then I pack the gym back because I need more things in order to go from the gym straight to work. The only thing I do religiously at night is prep coffee so all I have to do is hit the button in the morning.

      Normal morning:
      – 4:30 – first of three alarms goes off
      – 4:35 – second alarm
      – 4:40 – third alarm and out of bed I go. Head downstairs, turn on coffee, give cats breakfast, and upstairs to clean litter boxes.
      – 4:50 – back downstairs to make dog’s breakfast and pour my coffee.
      – 5:00 – shower, refresh hair/style hair, makeup, get dressed, wake up dog.
      – 5:40 – take dog for a walk, give meds
      – 5:50/6:00 – pack lunch, pack work bag (laptop, papers, etc.)
      – 6:10/6:15 – leave for work

      1. I love this: “wake up dog”. My dogs are so energetic in the morning! As soon as I am vertical they are thumping their tails and ready to go go go. Me, sometimes not so much.

        1. HA! My dog is not at all a morning dog, plus he is deaf, old, and going blind. He has no interest in getting up unless I make him!

          1. I loled at wake up dog. Mine is only 3 years old but anything before 8 AM is unacceptable to her, she’s really lucky I work from home. She’s plenty energetic at other times of day but….just not a morning girl.

          2. When my mother’s westie was very old and very deaf, she used to go wake up the westie with a kiss as it was the only way that didn’t scare the poor old thing.

            My dog hears my alarm go off and is happy/ alert and licking me in 10 seconds. There is no snooze in my house unless I get the dog cuddled back down.

          3. This makes me want to go home and give my young and not-deaf westie a kiss :-)

    13. 7:30 roll out of bed, stumble to bathroom, brush teeth while the cat tries (and succeeds) in drinking out of the sink. I usually get dressed while something is toasting, or I just skip it and make oatmeal at work. 50/50 on if I put on any make up but I try to do my eyebrows every day. Leave anywhere between 7:50-8:10, ideally to get to the office before 8:30 to get a good parking spot. I’m fortunate that I only have to go on local roads and it’s usually not bad. I have a garment rack in my bedroom and I have hangers with Mon-Fri tags on mini binder clips that I clip to the hangers. I try to set up a week’s worth of clothes on Sunday, but if I forget I just repeat last weeks (easy to do with my style). That has been the game changers because I’d get quite irritated trying to figure out what to wear on a day to day basis.

    14. 6:23 Alarm
      6:30 Wakeup
      Take meds and weigh myself
      Put kettle on for tea, put food in lunch bag, put phone in bag
      Wash face, brush teeth
      Prep tea
      Make bed
      Dress
      Head out usually between 6:45 and 6:50

    15. Wow! It seems like there are a lot of night showerers. For those of you who shower at night, is that a habit you made when you started working, had kids, etc.? I have been a morning shower person my whole life and have tried on and off over the past year to switch to showers before bed with no luck. I know it would make my mornings run faster and smoother; it’s just hard to charge a routine I’ve had for 20 years.

      1. I’ve always had this habit. I don’t like getting in bed with the day still on me. I know it is silly, I’m sitting at my desk, not working on the railroad, but still, grosses me out. I also find it to be a really helpful wind down.

      2. I’ve been a night showerer my whole life. I think I just never evolved from taking baths as a little kid, ha. I think it’s super weird to get into bed all gross from the day. My night shower or bath is when I unwind and wash my face. I also wash my hair at night and sleep on it wet – I have curly hair that I never blowdry.

      3. I am a night showerer because I have a lot of hair, and it takes forevvvvver to dry it, so I either sleep with it wet so it’s dry/almost dry in the AM, or I blow dry it at night. I only shower in the morning if I work out in the morning, which… lolsob I really need to start doing that again.

        1. I shower at night because I usually work out at night. It also lets me sleep 20 minutes later in the morning.

          If it wasn’t for working out at night, though, I’d still shower in the mornings.

      4. I take a bath at night probably 3x a week (don’t get anything but the bottom of my hair wet) and shower in the morning. My hair is thick and, although I have a pixie, looks like it got caught in a tornado if I sleep with it damp/wet, plus I find a shower wakes me up, plus I hate being cold in the mornings.

        I had a 7-month period last year where I couldn’t take a shower/it was very stressful (accessed central line that could not get wet), and I appreciate my morning showers even more now.

      5. I have to shower in the morning. I know this sounds weird and it’s probably all in my head, but it feels like it like, regulates my body temperature or something. If I don’t shower in the morning I get a lot sweatier than normal, especially in my armpits. So I always hop in the shower, at least for a minute, and if I don’t want to wash my hair or get it wet, I just get wet up to my neck and wash my face.

        1. This is me. If I don’t shower in the morning, my hands, feet and underarms get really sweaty throughout the day.

      6. Always took showers at night like a kid and guess that’s never changed. Also if I go to the gym or especially swimming I shower after that.

        A lot of this is things I did as a kid = pack your bag for school, choose your clothes and lay them out.

      7. I would like to shift to night time showers. My kids shower in the mornings now and old house/old pipes means we can’t shower at the same time and have hot water.

        I would love to hear strategies for dealing with wet hair and bed head.

        1. If it’s long enough, braiding. Mine is down to my waist, so I practically have to braid it, wet or not. I also sometimes do the headband curl wrapping method, which makes for some some subtle volume when I let it out after wake up.

    16. Lately our routine has suffered because it’s dark when the alarm goes off. Ugh. Hard to get out of bed in the dark. But here it is:

      6:00 (and 6:15 and 6:30 and 6:45) alarm/snuggling/snoozing — the time we actually get out of bed depends on whether Lovely Husband has an early meeting or court appearance.
      No later than 7:00 coffee/breakfast/newspaper/chatting/playing Jeopardy! on Amazon Echo. Followed by a little individual Facebook time if there’s time.
      No later than 7:30 begin shower/makeup/dressing/bedmaking
      No later than 8:15 out the door

      Lovely Husband has all kinds of various longstanding routines that I am not part of, like watering plants on Monday, packing up his cycling stuff and bike on Tuesdays for after-work ride, writing a check for the cleaning lady and gathering up the dry cleaning on Wednesday, and other stuff I probably don’t even know about.

    17. Alarm at 8. Hit snooze a couple of times. Pull myself out of bed at 8:15-8:20, leave the house at 8:40 to be at work at 9. I eat breakfast and have tea or coffee every day but normally do that at work. I’m really really really not a morning person and don’t need much time in the morning. It helps that I don’t wear make-up or do anything my hair besides brushing it. I shower in the evenings.

      1. Oh and I do have a dog but thankfully she’s not a morning dog and is happy to snooze until 11 am or so (my husband works from home and walks her then).

    18. I’m trying to develop a better morning and bedtime routine- I find that when I have a good bedtime routine, it makes my mornings better, too.

      Bedtime: 9:15-10:30ish, depends how long I read for
      Bath, probably three times a week
      Brush teeth, wash face
      Lay out outfit for next day (sometimes changed, like today when I realized my new pants DON’T FIT)
      Set up my nighttime meds in my room (3 nebulizer treatments)
      Toss Hooty the Owl in the microwave while I take my nighttime pills
      Phone plugged in in the kitchen, turn on phone/Echo/fitbit alarms (….I don’t like getting up)
      Crawl into bed, do my nebs and vest while reading a physical book, no tech for the last 30-45 minutes before sleep

      Morning
      Fitbit silent alarm, 6:05
      Echo alarm and my lamp comes on, 6:10
      Lay there grumbling/half asleep until 6:15
      Phone alarm in kitchen, 6:15
      Trying to journal, 6:15-6:25 (new goal)
      Shower and get dressed or do my morning treatments, depends how tired I am (if tired, treatments because I can still be in bed; if not so much, shower because then my hair is dry when I leave) 6:25-6:55
      Whichever one I didn’t do, 7-7:30
      Breakfast, 7:40-8:00 (read, West Wing, or read comments here!)
      Prep for day, 8-8:15 (bag, coat, put dishes in sink, etc)
      Out the door by 8:15

        1. I love this thing. It’s probably my favorite Christmas present this year.

    19. I will be the odd woman out here – I don’t have much of a morning routine. My work is mostly freelance, but sometimes out of the house, and my work load can be inconsistent. I almost always (unless I am in a big rush) make coffee and breakfast while I listen to NPR but the time and pace at which that happens varies a lot. I really enjoy the lack of routine, having the same schedule every day always feels super stifling to me.

    20. This is a fascinating thread!

      6:20 wake up (usually before alarm)
      Make coffee, check email and (sometimes) do morning prayer while drinking it
      6:45 kid gets up
      Chat with him while he has breakfast, be available to help with whatever, sometimes throw in a load of laundry
      7:25 kid leaves for bus
      Make my lunch (if no lunch meeting), maybe prep for dinner or finish up laundry, sometimes go for a run
      8:30 panic about being on time for work, jump into shower and get out door as soon I can. If I stop to eat breakfast at home I end up late because I started reading.

      Tuesdays & Fridays I take out the garbage or recycling. Wednesdays I get the house ready for the cleaner.

    21. The only thing that happens every morning consistently is that I make my bed and walk my dog.

      I wish I had a routine like you all. Sounds efficient. My mornings vary widely.

    22. Pretty much.

      5:45 get up, throw on sweats, turn on coffee maker
      6:00 walk dog
      6:15 return home, get in shower
      6:30 drink coffee, read paper, look at iPad, love on dog, watch local news on TV
      7:00 catch headlines on GMA, dress (outfit picked the night before), dry hair, curl lashes
      7:30 take dog out for a quick pee, then leave for work. Breakfast at desk.

    23. Love this thread!

      5:00a: BF’s alarm goes off, he gets up to do his beard.
      5:15/5:20a: my alarm goes off and I reluctantly throw on sweats and get out of bed.
      5:20a-5:45a: I make coffee and pack my lunch then read news/social media while eating breakfast; he gets dressed.
      5:45-6:00a: he reads news and eats breakfast then packs his lunch while I get dressed; we both brush our teeth. I pour coffee into our travel mug.
      6:00a-6:50a: we commute together to work, sometimes I’ll read news out loud to him but typically we just listen to the Kane Show.
      7:00a: sitting in our desks at work!

    24. My morning routine is the same M-F. At 6:00 my alarm goe’s off. I get up, brush my hair, put on makeup and am out the door by 6:30 (I shower the evening before, b/c it takes forever for my hair to dry). I walk to work, getting in by 7:30, and get coffee on my way in from the Dunkin Donut’s. I do NOT get a muffin any more b/c of my Dad and his yelling at me b/c of my tuchus. Once in, I watch the Today show on Channel 4, and call my mom and talk until about 9 am, when the manageing partner gets in. He then comes in and I hang up with mom and then I start work for the day. I admit it is very boring and predicteable, but that is me! YAY!!!

  5. I need serious jewelry help. I’m not interested in anything expensive or diamonds, but I need a step up from like, H&M necklaces that tarnish or break after a week.

    I don’t like anything that is obviously of a particular brand (like Kate Spade or Kendra Scott). I like gold. I want everyday studs that aren’t round and the kind of necklace that I can wear with everything.

    My style includes a lot of black, olive, denim, blues, and grey. I work in a casual environment.

    Any ideas?

    1. Browse around Nordstrom – they have a great selection of “costume” jewelry that’s versatile but not cheap-o. I get a surprising amount of wear out of my Gorjana earrings and the finish has stayed nice for over a year now.

    3. I’ve found Amazon to have quite a nice selection of simple gold jewelry at reasonable prices. Which is good, because if I had to go to the store, I probably wouldn’t wear jewelry.

    4. You could literally wear anything. I’d recommend buying real silver, gold, and artificial gemstones from a place like Macy’s or JCP, especially since coupons can be applied to jewelry. It’s really not that much more expensive than plastic costume jewelry.

    5. Bauble Bar, Charming Charlie (still cheap but some of it looks pretty good), outlet stores – Kate Spade, J Crew are favorites of mine, Kohls (for simple post earrings), Nordstrom fashion jewelry.

      1. I love J Crew’s outlet for jewelry! It isn’t as heavy/sturdy/high quality as the jewelry from the regular line, but still has the same look and it holds up really well over time.

    6. Check out museum gift shops. I’ve gotten some really nice stuff at the Met Museum gift store & similar places. Also – Jcrew and Banana Republic have occasionally nice stuff if you can avoid the blingier pieces.

      1. That is EXACTLY the kind of thing I’m looking for, emeralds! Hadn’t heard of this brand, but looks like they have a lot of cute pieces!

    8. Related topic — does everyone wear “interesting”, or at least different, jewelry to work? I wear the same small gold hoops, a classic watch, and my wedding ring. That’s pretty much it, every day. I’ve never been a big jewelry wearer, but I basically quit anything complicated or dangly after having kids, and now it’s just not part of my routine any more. That’s not weird, is it?

      1. Nope. I wear basically the same jewelry every day and don’t even have graspy little fingers to blame, just my own laziness :)

      2. I wear the same silver necklace probably 2-3 days a week. It goes with everything I own, almost. I bought a slightly different but very similar necklace just for some variety a few months ago.

        Some days I wear zero jewelry (other than my Fitbit, which I ignore), some days just a necklace, some days a necklace and studs, some days just dangly earrings. Depends on my mood and my morning and if I remember.

      3. Classic, non-flashy jewelry is also “in-style” right now so that helps. I am a pretty big jewelry wearer, and I have a ton of jewelry, but for the past year or so I’ve rotated between three necklaces and four stud earrings pairs.

      4. Nope. I wear a few pieces of good quality classic jewelry (real gold, real gems) every day. It’s classier and more elegant.

      5. Ah, thanks for the validation. Also, my son thinks my tiny hoops are permanently installed into my ears, because they never come off :)

      6. Nope. I wear either very small diamond studs (classic, but not bling-y), or pearl studs every day, and that’s about it. Never been a big jewelry person.

      7. YES.

        I am not a jewelry person, but I only wear interesting jewelry when I wear it. My ancestors are Greek and I like history and work in finance and one piece that I have that I love is a pendant made of an ancient Greek coin. Or earrings like the owls you see in Greece. Real metal though, nothing costumey.

        I also have some pendants that line up with some of the cufflink-type things that men wear — school crests, coins from around the world, etc. Etsy is good for much of this.

      8. Yes. I like long necklaces and have quite a collection now. My necklaces are all hung up on the inside of my closet so it’s easy to just grab one when I’m picking out an outfit.

      9. I change it up. I’m a pearl ho and have several artistic and interesting strands from kojima (no affiliation, just a happy customer) that I like to give equal wearing time.

        My watch and wedding band don’t change. Everything else does. I also have a sliiiiiggght problem with bracelets. :)

        Every time I get a bonus I buy a new piece of jewelry and then save the rest. I’ve done pretty well so lots of bonus jewelry.

    9. I’ve discovered the brand Cloverpost on Shopbop that has simple, classic jewelry at what I consider a reasonable price.

    10. I bought an initial necklace from this shop, and I’ve been surprised by the quality of it. I wear it basically every day. https://www.etsy.com/shop/hotmixcold?ref=l2-shopheader-name

      Etsy is definitely a great place to get pretty decent jewelry for good prices. You’ll be able to find any kind of earring you want. Just brush up on your gold terminology to make sure you know what you’re getting (vermeil vs. filled vs. plated), or go for solid gold.

    12. Try COS. They have a lot of simple, modern-looking pieces that aren’t too expensive but are nicer than H&M etc.

    13. I really like Saressa Designs. Prices are decent. I have a few pairs of earrings, a couple necklaces, and two rings. All have held up well.

    14. I’ve been pleasantly surprised by how durable a lot of my jewelry from Target has been. Similar prices to H&M, but I’ve had really good luck with it holding up over time and the pieces tend to look way more expensive than they actually are. Big exception: the new collaboration line with Baublebar (I think it’s called Sugar Fix?). I bought a few pieces from that collection and they fell apart very quickly, similar to H&M jewelry.

    16. I *love* Robyn Rhodes. A lot of it has a hippie/boho vibe (I definitely do not) but I have some pieces I just love. The Alicia necklace in particular gets a ton of wear. She also has a cool subscription service that I did and enjoyed.

      I have also gotten some cute and easy studs at TJ Maxx from brands like Kate Spade/Ralph Lauren that have held up well.

      1. Related question: I have a lot of costume jewelry rings, silver tone. The bottom of the ring “turns” and looks bad after awhile, but the top still looks great. Is there a metal dip or something (that isn’t toxic of course) that I can dip my costume rings in and bring back the silvery shine?

  6. Oh man this top is gorgeous…and the ones on sale too. Love real silk…

    1. Love silk; love the off-black color; love the lines. If I could afford this, I would wear it once a week.

      1. I love it, too! Everything about it.

        It’s sad that I was so surprised to find that it was actual silk. It’s just so rare to see these days.

  7. Does anyone have any products/methods they recommend for cleaning tarnished silver jewelry?

      1. +1 These work super well. I had a Tiffany bead necklace that was super tarnished and it all came off + didn’t smell gross like I expected.

  8. Does anyone have any recommendations for under-eye cream? I’m noticing fine lines and would like to use something that actually works. The more affordable, the better, obviously. Thanks!

    1. Sunglasses, sunscreen, stay out of the sun, keep hydrated, get enough sleep, don’t smoke are the only things that truly “work”. Lotions can soften the lines temporarily.

      Genetics….genetics. Is still king.

      1. Well, I do all of that but I’m also turning 40 (you got me, I’m not really Betty White! :)). Anything that keeps that area better moisturized?

    2. Wearing sunglasses everywhere is my #1 tip. I’d also get some polarized ones because they’re the kindest on your eyes. Get lenses that are big enough to cover most of your eye area.

    3. Clinique All About Eyes is a good place to start and is on the cheaper side for an eye cream. Both of Tata Harper’s are great, but more expensive. Goop perfecting eye cream is also expensive, but worth it. First Aid Beauty Eye Duty Triple Remedy AM Gel Cream is another cheaper option targeting eyes. Try to get samples at Sephora or Nordstrom if you can since eye creams do tend to be more expensive!

    4. For wrinkles, you want retinol at night and SPF during the day. The brand matters less than the active ingredients, but I really like Shiseido Benefiance eye cream with retinol. Either take your regular SPF under your eyes during the day or find an eye cream with SPF, like Supergoop.

    5. I like Kiehls avocado eye cream. Not sure anything but retinol helps lines, but keeping the area hydrated will certainly help it look better.

  9. Hi hive, I posted a few months ago about feeling really discouraged about being a woman in the workplace in the face of issues such as a supervisor making disparaging comments about women’s dedication to work and needing to file a sexual harassment complaint against a coworker. I couldn’t find the post, but you all gave me wonderful commiseration and some helpful advice (such as remembering that for women in the workplace, sometimes the fight is just showing up).

    I wanted to give a quick update, since things turned around quite a bit since then. The supervisor who made these comments was asked to resign over separate issues, and my new supervisor is a woman brought in from another division. HR followed up with me about the complaint – when they raised it with him, he was extremely apologetic and the things I complained about actually have not happened again. Further, I was recently promoted! I am planning to start passively looking for a new job soon because I think there are some anti-woman attitudes higher up in my company, but for now it’s a much more positive environment and I’m glad I stuck it out (rather than deciding to stay in bed forever, which is what I wanted to do when I wrote the other post).

    Thanks all!

  10. Suggestions for places to look for summer maxidresses that I can wear a normal bra with? Bonus points for petite length, but not a requirement. So far I’ve checked out Loft, Land’s End, JC Penney, and Old Navy with no winners. Oddly, Amazon has some decent-looking ones that are cheap so that may be where I end up trying a few, but wondered if there were any other good options out there.

    2. Are you looking for a particular style or color? I’m a little confused because all of LE maxi dresses work with regular bras.

      Also you might have better luck later in the season.

      1. You’re right, the LE dresses work with regular bras, but I’m looking for something with a lower neckline. Should have added that. I have that style from a prior season and I like it fine, but I’m busty so the high neckline makes me look all-bosom. I’m ideally looking for a vneck.

        1. Gotcha. Yeah, stay away from the Amazon ones. Last year, I ordered two different ones, one came with a hole already in it, and the other developed a hole after a month. They’re super cheap, but not worth the aggravation.

          Don’t write off the higher necklines altogether though – I have a blouson top maxi from Loft that looks amazing on my E/F bust.

          Not sure what climate you’re in, but you’ll definitely have better luck after May, though. Fashion cycles so quickly they only keep things on the floor for two to three weeks at a time.

    3. Old Navy has TONS of cheap cute maxi dresses every year. Check back later in the spring.

      1. Seconding this. I’m busty as well, and have a great v-neck maxi from Soma that works with a regular bra (and it’s incredibly soft and comfortable).

      2. I had no idea Soma sold regular clothing and a couple of these look like strong contenders. Thanks!

      3. Oooh, I’ll be looking there!

        OP, I think I saw one in the Athleta catalog. I’d also check target, actually. I got one there a few years ago that works well.

  11. How old were you whe you went through menopause? About how long a period was the transition?

    What changes did you make in your daily routine / self maintenance?

    1. Officially went through menopause at 51 (1 year without period). The full transition is from 44, when hot flashes started and is still ongoing. I haven’t done much to change up my daily routine except to dress for the hot flashes. Other than that, it really hasn’t been too bad, and I am really enjoying not having periods or ovulating “gunk”

        1. Oh yes! Sorry, I forgot about that! I have transitioned to heavier, better quality face and eye creams that have they typical anti-aging properties. The increased skin dryness is definitely an issue, but has been easily addressed with more appropriate products. Same thing for body; I now use heavier creams or oils to moisturize my body.

    2. Menopause (cessation. Of menstrual cycle for a year) at 53. Perimenopause, what my mother and grandmother called “the change”, from mid forties. Menopause is fine. It’s perimenopause that has all the stuff. I found that hot flashes and night sweats were tied to my consumption of dairy and meat. Vegan=no problems, for me. Also I spent a few years crying at the drop of a hat. As for changes to skin care and makeup, my skin has gotten super sensitive to anything with dimethicone or silicone in it, and I have changed to natural skincare and makeup products, specifically Goop skincare and mainly Juice Beauty makeup.

    3. After coming within weeks of that magical 12 months – twice – and several times witht somewhat shorterr periods of no periods, I’ve been struggling with moving from perimenopause to the real thing for about the last 5-6 years and I’m 56. And I had my period like clockwork for the last three months. I’ve been through a couple rounds of HRT to deal with hot flashes that have come and gone, and now I’m on it primarily to deal with v*ginal dryness which is the most debilitating part of this process for me. I started noticing changes in that department in my later 40’s and it’s gone steadily downhill from there. Even with hormonal help, gardening has become the equivalent of xeriscaping, and not in a good way. I now can understand the old stories about some older women giving up s*x – the frustration it causes to both partners and the extreme pain that makes a once pleasurable activity torture is so difficult to deal with. I keep doctoring and trying to come up with solutions, but it is the absolutely, without question, the worst thing about aging that I’ve experienced.

      1. Wishing you good luck! I’m at 50 and hoping for an end. Not to be ignorant- but is this something that KY doesn’t help? We’ve used that off and on for yrs…if things start to dry out just add more?

        1. This is beyond KY. Never had to use it at all until my late 40s, started using it and it helped some, but it’s only become worse. :(

  12. why are throw pillows so expensive?? I’m looking for some colorful pillows to liven up my living room but after a weekend of target/world market/etsy, anything that isn’t a solid color is $30+ even for just plain cotton. Am I looking at the wrong places? At that price point for 4 pillows I’m tempted to just buy a sewing machine.

    2. Try TJ Maxx or something like that. I’ve definitely gotten some there for under $20, and they usually have a lot of options.

    3. Try H&M home. No idea about the quality but I was looking at their pillows online a few days ago and covers are $5-10 and the pillows themselves 7-10. Cute patterns, too.

      1. Try also Zara home, and ikea has some nice ones if you go in person and feel the quality.

      1. I think this is what is bothering me about spending so much. Pillows are the most basic sewing pattern and simple fabrics are just not that expensive. Did the cost of polyfill go crazy or something?

        1. The profit margin on throw pillows has got to be insane. Maybe there’s some kind of throw pillow cartel.

    6. I always tend to buy pillows on sale. Pottery Barn tends to have lots of cute options in pillow covers for as little as $14 on sale. You do have to have the inserts but then it’s easy to switch them out and wash.
      Homegoods is another good option.

    7. H&M Home sells some really inexpensive ones. I have some of their canvas ones and they have held up pretty well.

    8. I’ve had good luck with pillows at Home Goods (same idea as TJ Maxx). Name brands and they’re much cheaper. I always think of that place as throw pillow heaven!

    9. They really shouldn’t be but they are. I looked at Ross to get cheap pillows. When I removed the covers and inspected the insert part, they were all stained. Be careful about pillows at a discount. After lots of researching, I think it would be best to just get the expensive Down inserts from Amazon and buy pillowcases that you like so that you can wash the pillowcase easily and the pillows will look sturdy for many years, instead of buying cheap polyester inserts (which are also not easily biodegradable and end up in landfills).

    10. I hope this suggestion isn’t obnoxious, but you could sew your own. The fills cost ~$12 at a craft/fabric store (prob even less if you bargain hunt/use a coupon) and it’s the easiest possible pattern. Do a zipper and feel like a genius! (The trick is that if the pillow is 18×18, you cut your fabric 18×18 (no seam allowance) so the case is a little too small for the pillow, and that makes it nice and poofy once you put the case on the pillow.

    11. I second the TJ Maxx vote, and also – Costco! They occasionally have really cute two-packs of patterned pillows for like $15. I get a new set at one of those places every season and just toss them when they start to show wear (which is quickly, with animals…).

    13. And why can’t I find round throw pillows for a decent price? I’m tired of square/rectangle.

  13. I had some physio done last week (not really injured, just maintenance) and I went to a new person because I have moved. I have gone to many physios in the past so I know what to expect. The first meeting was ‘okay’, I had a follow up appoint and I think I got overcharged. This guy charged me $95 and the appointment was only 30 minutes. I also didn’t think he did very much and kind of didn’t seem to know what he was doing. I have decided not to go back.

    Now I get an email from him suggesting times for this week since we discussed I probably need weekly maintenance for a few weeks to get out my kinks. I wanted to complain to the facility because my insurance will definitely not cover $95 for a 30 minute appointment and I think I deserve some money back. I haven’t complained yet because I am still thinking about it. Should I mention to him the issues I had?

    I really don’t want to make it awkward in case I want or need to use that clinic for anything else (it is close to my work), but I am not happy with the service I was provided. Going to a new place will mean a first visit assessment fee (again) and I don’t know if the person will be any good. I miss my old physio.

    What would you do?

    1. I wouldn’t go to a physio unless something was wrong with me and I would ask about the cost before receiving a service. Of course he didn’t do much you aren’t injured there isn’t much to do!

      1. Okay when I say I wasn’t injured I didn’t want to get into details… but I have had general tightness around my knee that shifts around and the guy I used to go to would help fix it because it was due to tightness in my hip in areas that are hard to target yourself…I haven’t been good at maintaining so I needed someone to help work it out again.

        1. Ok. I don’t think you have any right to get your money back whatsoever though. Find out how much it’s going to cost before you agree to do it. I think you’re fine to mention you didn’t find it particularly effective and you’d like to work with someone else and at a lower cost next time, but not to ask for a refund.

          When I’ve used a physio I’ve always picked someone who takes my insurance as full payment.

          1. Oh yah I definitely do that, there are just some things that are impossible to do on your own, I find (like tightness right beside the hip joint- I can only dig in there so much!).

    2. You can’t expect money back simply because you think you think it was expensive. You can definitely discuss how it was billed so that you understand and follow up with your insurance, but that’s the way it goes.

      1. Sorry this is the issue with writing posts I often forget to include all details- I was lead to believe the appoint would be an hour and it was tops 30 minutes. So that’s why I feel like I got ripped off.

        1. Why didn’t you say at the time “no we aren’t done, this appointment was for an hour”?

          If you want call back and ask about it but I really think this is on you.

          1. Because I felt awkward calling him out in the moment? I don’t know, I didn’t want to be confrontational.

          2. Maybe work on that then? It is not confrontational to ask questions like how much will this cost and why are we stopping early.

        2. You can call and ask if the billing is correct, since you had a half hour appointment instead of an hour.

      2. I cannot think of any basis on which you would be entitled to get your money back.

  14. PSA- Everlane has new silk colors and two stripes as well… just ordered the relaxed silk shirt with mix stripe to add to my collection. I’ve been wearing these with a half tuck into jeans on Fridays and under suits when I need to dress all the way up. https://www.everlane.com/r/86pa5n

  15. PSA- If you’re as broke/in debt as I am, but you really need like normal opaque sleeved shells to cover your body at work, Forever 21 has, for some reason, a ton of them for like 9-12 dollars.

      1. http://www.forever21.com/Product/Product.aspx?BR=f21&Category=top_blouses-shirts&ProductID=2000228982&VariantID=

        http://www.forever21.com/Product/Product.aspx?BR=f21&Category=top_blouses-shirts&ProductID=2000227292&VariantID=

        http://www.forever21.com/Product/Product.aspx?BR=f21&Category=top_blouses-shirts&ProductID=2000231099&VariantID=

        http://www.forever21.com/Product/Product.aspx?BR=f21&Category=top_blouses-shirts&ProductID=2000231084&VariantID=

        http://www.forever21.com/Product/Product.aspx?BR=f21&Category=top_blouses-shirts&ProductID=2000195492&VariantID=

        http://www.forever21.com/Product/Product.aspx?BR=f21&Category=top_blouses-shirts&ProductID=2000213811&VariantID=

      2. No idea if the light colored ones are opaque but the olive/burgundy/grey/black ones are 100% opaque from personal experience.

  16. I want to modernize my jewelry collection but I’m not sure where to start. I’m totally overwhelmed by Etsy. I’ve always worn vintage or statement pieces but I’m liking the more simple pieces I’ve been seeing lately. Lots of straight lines, like the earrings Kat posted a few weeks ago. Everything still needs to be work appropriate. Recommendations on pieces to pick up or blogs/instas/etc. to follow for inspiration?

      2. Ooo…not the OP but love these. Will definitely check this out next time I’m in Montreal!

  17. This is how I’ve felt since the election and it’s great to see this written instead of articles about how we have to soul-search and practice empathy. It’s how I felt after reading Hillbilly Elegy too.

    http://nymag.com/daily/intelligencer/2017/03/frank-rich-no-sympathy-for-the-hillbilly.html

    “Perhaps it’s a smarter idea to just let the GOP own these intractable voters. Liberals looking for a way to empathize with conservatives should endorse the core conservative belief in the importance of personal responsibility. Let Trump’s white working-class base take responsibility for its own votes — or in some cases failure to vote — and live with the election’s consequences. If, as polls tell us, many voters who vilify Obamacare haven’t yet figured out that it’s another name for the Affordable Care Act that’s benefiting them — or if they do know and still want the Trump alternative — then let them reap the consequences for voting against their own interests. That they will sabotage other needy Americans along with them is unavoidable in any case now — at least until voters stage an intervention in an election to come.”

    1. I feel much the same way, though I really struggle with this feeling because I’m a Christian (not saying you aren’t, of course). On one hand, as a Christian, I feel strongly that we should help the less fortunate, even if they voted against their own interests. On the other hand, I feel like these voters won’t really understand that they made a ghastly error until they have to experience it (they tend to be of the variety of people who don’t have empathy for what others are suffering, and only care about policies when they directly impact them). It’s a constant struggle for me – feeling like “eh, they made their bed, they can lie in it and suffer,” and also feeling like I should be more compassionate for what they’re feeling. *Sigh*

      1. Same. I get the feeling and the argument but I’ll still fight my hardest to help them, because it’s at the core of my humanity.

      2. +1 Despite every fiber of my being yearning to let Trump destroy his own voters, my faith tells me that “because I think they deserve it” or “because it might bring about a desirable political outcome” are not acceptable reasons to allow the poor and vulnerable in our society to suffer.

      3. I feel the exact same way. On the one hand, I feel like they got exactly what they wanted: White nationalists in the White House, so why should I care that they’re also going to lose the social programs that allow them to live in the Rust Belt? But I know that’s a vindictive way of thinking and doesn’t do any good in the grand scheme of things.

    2. I will work to the end to protect them and any other person hurt by that sociopath. But if any of those people voted for him and try to justify their actions or apologize or thank me, I might go apesh*t on them. I will work for them, but my fury & disgust that they supported a bully when it mattered will probably be at least somewhat apparent.

    3. Isn’t it a little patronizing to basically be telling others (Trump voters in this case) that they don’t know what’s good for them but we do?

      I’ll fight for the ACA and the less fortunate too- I’m not disagreeing with that, nor am I disputing the fact that a a lot of Trump voters are likely to lose coverage under the new plan. But I can see how this attitude of “I know what’s best for you but you don’t know what’s best for yourself” can be grating.

      1. I suppose it is patronizing, but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s objectively true. For the most part, they voted against their interests (at least their financial interests) – they voted for someone who won’t protect workers’ rights, who will do everything to protect big business, and who will cut the social programs that serve as a safety net for poor Americans. Now, some of them may have voted for other reasons (religious and/or national security reasons), in which case maybe they don’t care about their own interests. But in reality, the majority of these people voted for him because he’s a “successful businessman” who can “bring back American jobs” – which is a total load of BS.

      2. It is patronizing but I don’t know what else to say. Kentucky elected a governor who ran on a platform that was almost exclusively “Get rid of Obamacare.” Hundreds and thousands of them wanted to get rid of it. Turns out they are now all shocked and horrified because one and three of them are on it. To me that is mind boggling- and I think has a lot to do with the general lack of empathy from the republican base. I think they wanted to make sure “other people” didn’t get the “entitlement” and I think there is a lot of bias tied up in that thinking

      3. I read an interesting piece the other day arguing that if you believed people were voting against their own interests, you had misunderstood what their interests actually were. I’m not totally sure I buy that argument, but I’ll try and dig up a link.

        I read the article the OP linked and yeah, what can I say–I’m not feeling charitable at the mo. Yes, I will continue calling my congressmen and donating to Planned Parenthood, but I’m over the Democratic party falling all over itself to empathize with people who continue to hate Obamacare while loving the ACA. If you refuse to live in objective reality with the rest of us, I’m not sure exactly what anyone can do.

        1. I read that too. Basically, they don’t want government help. They want good paying blue collar jobs. Like they used to have before women and brown people had rights.

          1. Yes. They just see their interests far, far differently than we see their interests.

            “Strangers in their Own Land” by Arlie Hochschild is an eye-opening read in that regard.

          2. Yeah, that’s all good and fine but the majority of those jobs have been gone for decades, and not because they were exported or because they’ve been taken over by immigrants – but because of mechanization and/or because the position wasn’t necessary anymore. That’s what was so frustrating to me about Trump’s empty campaign promises – that he would bring back a bunch of jobs that we have no need for anymore at all, whether in this country or abroad – those jobs have been gone since before Reagan! So much empty hope sold to a group of people that doesn’t want to do anything to better their existence. And I say this as someone who came from that background (one generation removed), so I get it – but I have very little sympathy for it.

          3. “before women and brown people had rights”

            Also before computers existed (uh…don’t think we can dial the clock back on that one), and robotics advanced to the point that they can fully replace humans in a production line. And since money is king in this administration, there’s no way we’ll see a “ban the robots” bill that would require companies to hire people (who are expensive and problematic) instead of building robots. Cue sad trombone.

        2. I can’t follow that line of reasoning very far (if you believed people were voting against their own interests, you had misunderstood what their interests actually were). The exact same people in Kentucky who signed up for health insurance under the ACA/Medicaid expansion voted out their governor because they hated “Obamacare.” Their actions are inconsistent. I don’t think I’m the one misunderstanding these voters’ interests.

          1. Well, not sure it’s inconsistent. They had to get healthcare coverage or pay a penalty. Maybe the only coverage they could afford was Medicaid. Maybe they were happier without health insurance/the government telling them what’s good for them. I think Anon at 12:46 expressed it well, if not overly simplistic. Maybe they want a strong economy so they can provide for themselves and not have to rely on government-subsidized health insurance. Now, you can disagree that what they voted for will get them what they want. But frankly it’s pedantic/paternalistic/elitist to assume that you understand their interests better than they do.

    4. This has been an ongoing topic of conversation among my friends for some time now. I personally believe there is nothing that can be done to “win over” the poor whites who voted for Trump. When they lose their healthcare and the social services they rely on; when the promised low-skill jobs don’t come back; and when Trump’s anti-immigrant initiatives are continually slapped down by the judicial system, maybe they will figure some things out. Or maybe​ not. I have a ton of conflicted feelings right now because my husband and I both work for defense contractors and have our own excellent health care, retirement plans, etc. We’re done having kids, none of our family members are immigrants, and we’re white. We probably won’t suffer, personally, under Trump’s administration at all. A big part of me shrugs my shoulders and thinks, if those Trump-supporting folks want to dig their own graves, let them. But I can’t do that, because they will drag down so many people with them who don’t deserve it. I think we keep advocating for the rights of those who maybe can’t speak up for themselves, out of fear of losing their low-wage job, getting deported, or getting harassed, and don’t worry about the people who claim not to need our concern. If you don’t want it, fine – you don’t have it. But I will continue to use my voice and privilege to help people who do need help.

    5. Sympathy for the “hillbillies” is also based on such an outdated notion of the makeup of this country. There are 83,000 coal miners in this country. That’s barely anything. Why do we build our policies around what’s good for them at the expense of the rest of Americans?

      1. This is an oversimplification. Trump did not win because of 83,000 coal miners. The “hillbillies,” to appropriate that term, are spread throughout the country and are farmers, miners, construction workers, shift workers, other laborers, police officers, etc. etc. and many other middle class people–even white collar workers– in “flyover country.” No one is building policies around 83,000 coal miners “at the expense of the rest of Americans;” the “hillbillies” ARE the rest of Americans. That’s how this happened.

        1. Well, the election was decided by ~77,000 voters in Michigan, Pennsylvania, and Wisconsin, so one could argue that all of this hand-wringing is over an even smaller number of people than the 83,000 coal miners.

      2. Because it doesn’t only impact 83,000 people, that’s why. It does drive the economy in some parts of America.

    6. +1 I am from Kentucky originally and while I want to have empathy for people I grew up with and family members who fit this description, having heard their bullshit arguments, I just can’t. I am sympathetic to the fact that life in Appalachia can be both difficult and aimless, and that it’s not as easy to just move somewhere with better jobs, get retrained, go back to school, etc. But you can’t be angry that the government is patronizing and giving “handouts” while also insisting that you’re entitled to certain supports because you’ve been screwed over.

      The example of Kentucky voting in a new governor who ran on the platform of gutting Obamacare is perfect – here’s a state that benefited not only from reducing uninsured populations, but created a ton of jobs through the affordable care act. But all it takes is the GOP saying “this bill is costing you all money, giving benefits to people who don’t deserve them, and NOT WORKING,” and people buy it hook, line, and sinker. It’s hard to have sympathy for that. It doesn’t mean I’ll stop doing the work I do (which is related to healthcare administration), but it is exasperating.

      1. This so many times over! I remember seeing a quote from a white Trump voter who was angry that people of color were receiving “handouts” and not working, but when the interviewer/photographer pointed out that he too was receiving these handouts, he justified it by saying that he was just doing it until he got back on his feet, it was different, etc. The lack of introspection and blatant hypocrisy was truly mind blowing!

        1. Right. The Trump budget proposes major cuts to the USDA, which provides a lot of services – including food assistance and rural development assistance – to rural Americans. There’s this tendency for these people to see “government assistance” as something only inner-city minorities get, but rural America gets its share of assistance dollars also. Maybe if they lose some of the things they’ve been depending on, they’ll wake up a little, although I’m not going to hold my breath.

    7. Thanks for this article. I tend to agree with most of it.

      What drives me crazy about this new sympathy for the ‘white working class’ is that whenever communities of color were historically associated with dysfunctional families, failing schools, unemployment, and drug addiction, Trump and his ilk told them, ‘it’s your own fault’ and ‘you could get our of this mess if you just worked harder, and pull yourself up by your bootstraps.’ But now that white communities have sh*t schools and drug problems, they’re somehow tragic, heroic figures caught in circumstances beyond their control?

  18. I have a work trip to NYC coming up that includes a weekend morning, and I’d love a recommendation for a proper diner — like, sit at the counter, read the paper, no frills/old school/greasy spoon diner. I’ll be staying in Tribeca and would prefer that general area, but I’m willing to go on a brisk walk up to about 23rd-ish.

    Other suggestions for dining solo welcome, as well! Thanks all!

    1. I am a big fan of Broadway Restaurant (2664 Broadway, at 101st St.) — you’d have to take the train to get there, but it’s the real deal. Aw I miss it.

    2. Eisenberg’s on 5th ave between 22nd and 23rd is a pretty classic, old-school diner. I’m not sure it’s the best diner food in Manhattan; I used to stop in there sometimes just b/c it was on my way home… but now that I don’t live in NYC I miss places like that. They make a pretty good Reuben. I’ll see if I can think of any others…

  19. I am getting an office at work! Normally, offices only go to management/directors and above, but a colleague of mine who is not my manager (but is a manager) suggested I get one because he and the customer service group need cubes for new hires. My boss supported it and the director of our business unit/segment approved it. Now, I will believe it when I actually get the go ahead to move into it, but it was a good way to start my Monday morning (after a dreadful Sunday evening dealing with a tire blow out and a missing roadside car kit).

    1. That’s awesome! Congrats! My office is moving soon (state gov budget cuts) and some people are actually losing their offices, which would suck so much.

    2. Congrats !Being able to shut the door is amazing! I got moved into an office (being reminded multiple times that this was a temporary situation) due to massive downsizing at my company. No one is left in cubicles, now, but at least I got an office…

    3. Having an office rocks. I’m stoked because I will soon be moving into an office with a window and a heater. I have neither right now.

    4. I used to have an office when I worked as an attorney, it will be so nice to be able to shut my door again! I really enjoy my cube farm neighbors, but man does it get loud. Plus, I am fairly sure they will appreciate me being behind a closed door when I am on conference calls.

  20. Good friend of mine has been at a non profit for 5 yrs. The place has a LOT of issues – mainly people who don’t see it as their life’s mission and just a job with minimal work required. OTOH my friend loves the clients, will routinely work 60 hrs/wk etc. Problem is she complains about it non stop and I can’t take it anymore. We’ve talked a LOT about it and she agrees she needs to move on except she’s making little/no effort and spends her time arguing with her bosses about how she isn’t getting enough credit, she does all the work etc. I’ve been more than patient but have nothing more to say – either move on or stay and learn to live with it. Talked last night about something fun and then she turns to – can I tell you what happened last wk – and I get 45 min on how she feels she didn’t get credit for something. This is a good friend and I’m not looking to walk away but I can’t listen to the same story again and again and keep dispensing the same advice. Wwyd??

    1. After 5 minutes “yeah I know you’ve told me. I know it’s hard for you but I can’t keep listening to the same story again and again. You’re never going to get credit for anything there and you know it. I don’t know why you’re still working there. I’m sorry I just can’t listen to it anymore.”

    2. My view- which I don’t want to say – is that she’s been a martyr and then wanting people to fall all over her for it. Reality is – no one is asking her to work 60 hrs/wk. She chooses to do that, she chooses to be available on nights/weekends and then gets mad that her colleagues aren’t doing the same. But those aren’t the expectations of the place – it’s not biglaw, nor are they paid that way. But it’s like she wants to do all this stuff bc she cares (fine) but then is perpetually mad that they won’t give her a higher job title or accolades for it. She says – yes I’m looking I’m going to move on – but I don’t get the sense that she really is bc when people look for new jobs, they back off of work drama and LOOK. She has taken like 1 networking meeting and spent it complaining about her existing job.

    3. have you posted about this before? These seems familiar.
      Can you say something like, “I know that’s really frustrating from when you’ve talked about it before. If there’s ever anything I can help you with to help you to change the situation, please let me know.” then try to move on.

    4. Maybe try talking about why she’s not taking steps to leave, there’s probably something underlying her lack of action. Maybe she’s scared of starting over, losing political capital, doing something unfamiliar, finding out she’s not as marketable as she thought, etc. all of those things are good topics to get behind the surface and into what might be really going on.

      1. OP here – true. What she always tells me is that she LOVES the work this non profit does, and I believe it is the only non profit in NYC that deals with the specific population she deals with so I think it is hard for her to leave bc she would have to do different work — even in the non profit space, it wouldn’t exactly be the same. I also think that maybe she is realizing how hard the lawyer market is when you have to search for a job – she went from a big name school where she got a firm job thru recruiting (during the boom yrs where everyone had lots of offers) and after a few yrs left for this non profit bc they called her (bc she socially knew them). She’s never had to look for a job on her own and it’s possible she’s intimidated.

    5. I work in non-profits and I’d be pretty annoyed if someone expected me to consider my job my “life’s mission” just FYI.

  21. How do you handle it when people send you their resume and ask for advice on how to get hired at your firm? I have received several of these emails from law students and recent alums of my law school. I have nothing to do with hiring at my firm and can’t offer much advice to them. Should I forward to HR?

    1. I find that so frustrating. You have a couple choices:
      1.) Forward to HR noting “this person forwarded their resume to me – I don’t know them” and let the chips fall where they may – then you’re not putting any capital behind them.
      2.) Respond with “Thanks, but I’m not responsible for hiring – you should reach out to ___.”

      If there’s a request for networking, etc., you could ask them to send you a few questions that they have you can respond by email. I think I learned that here (or maybe at askamanager?) and my rough estimate is that I never hear from ~60% of the people I ask to provide questions. The few who respond seem to genuinely interested and willing to do their homework before you invest any time in them.

    2. I forward them to our recruiting people but make it clear I’m not offering a personal recommendation. So I say something like “I received this resume from Jane Doe, a 3L at my law school alma mater. I don’t know her but am passing her resume along to you.” And then I respond to the student and say something like “I’m not involved in hiring, but I’ve forwarded your resume to our firm’s recruiting committee.”

    3. No one should send you a resume unsolicited. That’s a faux pas and you shouldn’t forward it to HR. I might send the person a generic response like, “Thanks for your interest in Firm ABC. Good luck in your search” without promising anything. If someone emails you a sincere inquiry or asks for an informational interview and then sends the resume as a follow-up after you have engaged a bit, then I’d forward it to HR with a non-committal cover, something like: “I received this resume from a contact from University XYZ who expressed interest in the firm. If you like, you may consider whether she fits with the firm’s hiring needs.”

      1. Is it really a faux pas to send a resume unsolicited? I’ve received several from people from my law school alma mater, so I’ve always assumed they’re encouraged to do this. Also, I’d be annoyed if I received an email about an informational interview or anything else and didn’t receive a resume. I’m not in a position to help someone directly with hiring, etc., but at least with a resume I can see how good a student this person is, what his/her interests are, etc. Sure, I could write back, “Send me your resume,” but we could also skip that step.

        1. It’s not a faux pas at all. It’s how I’ve gotten every single one of my jobs and I’m annoyed when people don’t.

  22. Car buying advice please:

    Six years ago Past-Torin made a very stupid decision and bought a shiny German car. The warranty has since expired and ridiculously expensive non-routine-maintenance repair bills are mounting, as is my frustration. The car is currently worth (according to Kelly Blue Book) approximately $10k. I’m looking at trading it in somewhere for a cheaper car (think Hyundai, Toyota, or Honda) and am looking at used cars priced at a similar value online. What I’m wondering is if it’s really realistic for me to hope to walk in and be able to negotiate exchanging one set of keys for another and not having to pay any money in cash. My current German money-pit is the first car I’ve ever bought so I’ve never done this before and don’t really know what to expect. Insight welcome!

      1. Yep. You won’t get tiptop dollar for your existing car, and you won’t get rock-bottom for the new-to-you car, but the process is pretty straightforward for both buying and selling. I’d suggest going and getting your car appraised by them (the appraisal is good for something like a couple of weeks) and then shopping for a replacement in that range (keeping in mind there will be taxes and so on).

    2. I’m not super experienced at car shopping myself, but I’ve bought/helped shop for several cars in the last five years. It’s up to you how much the convenience of Car A for Car B is for you, but I would be prepared: (a) to spend some money, (b) get a lower-value car than the one you’re trading in, or (c) sell the German car privately and then use that money to buy Car B.

      Given the labor and paperwork involved in trading in and selling a car, I would expect a dealership to require some money/wrangle on your trade-in value or you getting a cheaper car than you expect for their trouble. On the other hand, the used car market has been pretty strong (at least in my region) for a number of years. You could probably sell your fancy car for blue book pretty easily to someone who likes working on them and use that for the car you want.

    3. If the car’s paid off, you should be able to walk into any dealership – not just CarMax – and get a new car with no money down. That’s a lot of residual value for a trade-in, and dealers generally like those fancy German cars as they have resale appeal, even with higher mileage. Just tell the salesperson “I would prefer not to put cash down as the trade-in value is high” and they should work with you.

      If the car is not paid off, you’re in a different situation entirely but I’m assuming after 6 years, you’ve paid it off.

      We drive our cars until they literally fall apart – my husband is needing to shop for a car as his is at 120,000 miles and has a trade-in value of a whopping $800. So we’ll probably put cash down. Obviously, financing less money is desirable but if you’re buying used – which I highly recommend – you’re already dodging a lot of depreciation you won’t have to pay for. Just make sure you read the terms of the agreement carefully and that the loan term, interest rate, final purchase price, etc. are to your liking. Remember, they need to sell you a car more than you need to buy one on any particular day. I made the salesperson go back 5 times, the last time I bought a car, until I got the deal I wanted. You have way more power in this process than you think.

      1. Falling apart at 120K miles is not a good car. We just got back from visiting my in-laws…their Toyotas are at 250K and 300K+ and still going!

        1. +1. My Toyota has almost 200K on it and is running great (knock on wood). It did need some major repairs around the 120K mark that cost more than the blue book value of the car at the time, but it’s not like the engine or the transmission failed, and in hindsight I think those repairs were a good investment because I got another 80K and counting miles out of the car.

      2. To be clear, I didn’t mean no money down, I meant no money at all. E.g. if my car is work 10k and I trade it in for one with a sticker price of 10k, is it realistic to expect to be able to be out of pocket zero dollars in cash. I’ve been looking into taxes etc and I think probably not is the conclusion I’m coming to.

        Whatever I do, I’m not coming out of this with a car note. I don’t have one now and I don’t want one. I made an appointment with CarMax though, so here hoping this process is relatively smooth!

        1. I would guess this situation is unlikely. Dealers don’t really want your trade-ins, they want your money. I have also not heard of anyone getting full KBB trade-in value at a dealership, but I have been wrong before!

          If your shiny German car has good private resale value, it might be worthwhile to buy a “new” car with financing, sell your current car privately, and pay off the loan as soon as you have the funds from selling the car privately. You of course run the risk of the car not selling quickly in this scenario.

          1. Keep in mind that dealers who are selling a used car for $10K bought the car for $8K or less, so they are making money even if they don’t get cash from you. Same if you sell your car for $10K and they think they can resell for $12K. That said, I think it’s highly unlikely you can do a no-cash swap.

            On the private sale side, also remember that you are giving up the sales tax benefit of the trade in. For example if your car is worth $10K, and you buy a used car for $12K, paying $2K out of pocket given the trade, you only pay sales tax on the $2K. If you sell privately and then buy the $12K car, you pay sales tax on $12K (your state may vary).

            Signed, sold and bought 5 used cars last year (I have kids, what can I say???)

    4. Also? There are lots of online resources about how to negotiate a car purchase and if you don’t go the Carmax route you should brush up on them.

      1. +1. I think the common view would be not to tell them about your trade in until you’ve negotiated the price of the new car. Suggest that you are thinking of financing (you’ll get a better price because they make $ on the financing). Then negotiate your trade-in with a good, written offer from someone else as your bottom line. (You might be able to get something good from TRUEcar.)

        The only way I could see you not owing a cent is if the trade-in is worth more than the new (to you) car. Keep in mind that the dealership is going to work to make money on your trade in so they are going to give you as little as possible (and far less than any KBB value).

    5. I highly recommend negotiating the price of your new (or new to you) car over email with the internet sales team. When I bought my car I did some test driving and decided what I wanted, what my budget was, and the max miles I was willing to have on the car (since I was buying used). I emailed about 10 dealerships around me and told them what I wanted, and they just sent me cars. I waited about a week or so until someone sent me exactly what I wanted and I went in and bought it in person after a quick test drive. The buying part only took a couple of hours. In your place I would sell the car separately first, or not mention that you have a trade in until you have confirmed a price. I really liked doing the negotiation by email because there was so much less pressure, and honestly I was just treated better than I would have been in person as a woman buying a car (I still took my dad with me for the actual transaction). If you are buying a new car you can also play the dealers off of each other – “this is the price X dealership quoted me, can you beat this” – takes all of 5 minutes to do that by email. It’s definitely still more work than a car buying service but much less than running around in person to lots of places. Including all of the test driving and buying I probably spent about 8 hours of work buying my car.

      If carmax sounds appealing costco has a similar service – probably worth the 1 year membership cost on its own. I haven’t used it but a few friends have gotten really excellent prices on their cars from it.

    6. If there is Shift in your area, I think they come and look at your car for free ad bring you a car to try that you choose. It was just really easy buying a car with them and I think I got a good deal, I got a relatively new car with he specs that were important to me for around the price of your trade in. (Not affiliated with them but if you want a referral link to get $100 off post an anonymous email address)

  23. Can I get some feedback from posters who work or have worked from home? I’m considering a consulting job with tremendous flexibility in where I work, and to a slightly lesser degree, when I work. I’m currently in a position where I have very rigid hours, and I have a lot of anxiety around daycare drop-off and getting to the office before my start time. I really enjoy my boss and the work, but there also is not a lot of flexibility to take time off for kid sick days or school stuff.

    Eliminating the commute and a structured schedule seems like it would eliminate a lot of stress from my day, but I know a lot of people who have struggled with working from home. Also, I would be client facing and billing in the new job (I’m not in law, but it’s consulting work). If it matters, the new consulting job would be part time, so I’d be aiming to bill between 3 and 5 hours per day.

    1. I love it, and I’ve found that I was able to basically work 3/4 time and be just as productive. I’m not sure how that would translate to a billing profession, but in a non-billing profession I was basically able to work six hours, get the same amount of work done that I did in eight hours in the office, and get two hours of my life back for chores/hobbies/family time. Sadly, I no longer have that arrangement but it was a huge, huge plus for me.

    2. I have been doing it for almost 2 years and love it. I love the extra time I have not commuting, and the biggest plus for me is it allows me time to work out during the day without worrying about what I am wearing or being sweaty at work. I also love being able to get things done around the house, and being able to get dinner ready – all things I couldn’t do when I had to go into the office everyday.

      The one big downside for me is the lack of social interaction. It’s a trade off I am willing to make, but it is very hard for me. I try to schedule lunches or happy hours, and attend functions for organizations I am a member of, and that helps. Plus, I travel for work once in a while, which also helps.

    3. I’ve worked from home since September (i kept my job when we relocated for my husband’s job). My employer doesnt have an office in my new city.

      In house counsel so i don’t bill.

      The upsides are awesome and numerous. I travel 1-2x per month so still get facetime. I save ~ 1000K per month when you consider that i no longer have a daily dogwalker, a car commute, regular dry cleaning, etc. I am sooooo happy to be working from home.

      I am a self-motivated introvert, though, so YMMV. My husband has to remind me to get together with people on occasion since i’m alone all day otherwise.

  24. After 23 years and two kids (still early teens), I don’t think I am in love with my husband anymore. I want to be, but I don’t think I am. I am thinking about counseling (for me and both?), but is this something counseling can resolve?

    1. It’s something counseling can help you, or you and he, figure out. “Resolve” can take a lot of forms.

    2. I would start with counseling alone, at this point, if you can’t point to issues of conflict with your spouse as the source of this. Together with your counselor, you can figure out if future couples counseling might be beneficial.

      Good luck.

    3. Counselling can definitely help with this. What does your romantic life look like? Try new experiences together is a great way to spark things. Plan a new activity every second weekend

    4. You can definitely fall back in love if both of you are willing to work at it.

      Pick up the book “The 5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. It’s a good start.

  25. I’ve been in therapy before (with a psychologist). Realizing I really need it again and as much as I would love to go back to my old therapist, I’ve since moved and she’s too far away. I’m overwhelmed by all of the options and honestly a little bummed I have to go through the introduction / selecting process all over again.

    Is it better to see a psychologist (vs. a clinical social worker)? Or does it not really matter? I believe the difference is years of schooling but I’m wondering how that will affect my care and if anyone has any personal experiences.

    It took me 3 people to find the last therapist I loved. She was a psychologist and IIRC at least one of the others was a social worker.

    1. I don’t know if this would work with a psychologist but why not ask HER for a recommendation to someone in your area? I’ve done this with other medical practitioners with excellent results – when I moved, I asked for pre-emptive recommendations or even called up my old chiro and said to her, I’m considering X, Y and Z based on my location, here are their websites, which one looks best to you and most similar to you? I assume in psychology there are different styles and schools, etc. If she is in a nearby city, she’ll probably know people in your city similar to her. No guarantee you’ll click but seems like a good way to winnow down.

    2. I don’t get too hung up on the degrees. I think more experience is better, and the actual degrees mean less and less with more experience. You want someone that specializes in your area of need.

      But I would start with your prior therapist. See if she has ANY contacts/recs in your new area.

      Then I would start with your new Primary Care doctor. If you don’t have one yet, ask people around you (I look for women a bit older than me that I respect at work) and ask if they can recommend a good local Primary Care doctor. I always have a woman primary care doctor.

      A good primary care doctor should have some local recs for counselors.

    3. If you know any family lawyers, you might want to ask them for a referral. They are often clued in to who’s good and who’s not.

      Beyond that, I second the idea of asking your old therapist for a referral.

  26. Stupid question but can someone give me language for an email to a new person in my organization (not my immediate team, but on a team I work with) that I haven’t met yet. I want to say something like “Let me know when would be a good time to stop by your office so I can introduce myself. I’d love to meet you and learn more about what you’ll be doing for Company” but I feel like that wording is awkward somehow…I’m probably overthinking it.

    3. Just stop by his/her office in the morning or around lunch time. See if you can schedule lunch one day.

    4. “Hi, I’m Name from the X Department. I’d love to meet you and learn more about what you’ll be doing for Company. Is there a good time this week for a quick chat?”

    5. Just stop by, unless they’re incredibly senior/busy/etc. Is there a business need for you to meet this person or are you just being friendly? I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being friendly, but you probably shouldn’t try to make a big ordeal out of it.

  27. Hi,

    I was the person who wrote last week about my in-laws contributing less than we anticipated to our wedding. I wanted to report back that I talked about it with my fiance and I’m just so glad I am marrying him. I just needed to hear him say he was sorry he didn’t talk about it with them sooner (so that we knew what we were dealing with from the get-go) and that we are going to be ok financially (I worry about money). Of course I know this objectively, but I’m glad I was able to vocalize my worries and have him comfort me. We also agreed that whether we had boys or girls, we wouldn’t favor one over the other :) I’m also so glad that I could voice ugly emotions and tell him I was ashamed that I felt jealous and have him tell me he loved me anyway and that it was ok to feel those things and important to talk about it together. He’s a keeper.

    Also, thank you to (I think?) “never too many shoes” – I am going to leave my bouquet for my dad at the cemetary. I loved that idea- especially since I have a memory of those flowers with him. I also got my locket polished and updated the photo this weekend.

    1. I did not read your original thread but wanted to say how wonderful and special it is that you are going to leave your bouquet for your dad at the cemetery. That is such a precious and meaningful gesture. Not exactly the same, but I am planning a birthday party for my child and recently lost my grandmother, and now I think I will take some flowers from the party to her at the cemetery. Thank you so much for this lovely idea.

    2. So glad to hear this. Your relationship is the most important thing. Have a lovely wedding!

    4. That was me – so glad to pass on the idea (although I am sorry that you have to use it). All the best for your wedding, and for the marriage to follow.

  28. Just found out that my BIL (husband’s brother) is being sought by the police in connection with a DV charge. He and his wife have a baby and older toddler, and money troubles, and apparently are moving toward divorce. If so, I would guess the wife would want to move back to her country of origin and take the kids with her. In any case, this is all news to us; we are friendly with both of them but not close, emotionally or geographically. There is no history of violence in my husband’s family to my knowledge, but the men do tend to suppress their feelings and then explode. Obviously we do not have any real picture of the facts. Trying to figure out what, if anything, we should do at this point. I thought my husband should text his brother and just say he heard that there is a lot going on and he is available to chat if brother wants. And tonight I will text SIL some pictures of our own kids, basically just say hi and not bring up the DV charge or divorce proceedings or anything like that. Terrible idea? What would you recommend?

    1. Terrible idea. Don’t text him, he’s a criminal on the run!!! Don’t text her and pretend like everything is fine. You know nothing about this at all. Stay out of it for now. And never mention again no history of violence in the family. Has nothing to do with anything, makes it sound like you’re implying he didn’t do it (and I don’t think you mean to be implying that at all)

      1. He’s not a criminal until a court adjudicates him a criminal. Sadly, it’s not at all uncommon for people to make up DV allegations to gain an advantage in divorce proceedings, especially when there are immigration issues.

        That said, I do think it’s a bad idea to contact either of them at this point. Stay out of it.

        1. I’m not in family law but as soon as I read that she wants to take the children back to her country of origin, I immediately thought that maybe there is more than meets the eye to the DV story. Anyway I agree with everyone else. Stay out of it. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

        2. Wtf senior attorney? It’s actually very uncommon for women to make up DV allegations. It’s no more common than any other false reporting of a crime. Can you please cite your source for claiming that women “not uncommonly” make up an accusation of DV during divorce proceedings? The American bar association puts out some good literature on this. Fathers are more likely (21 percent) than mothers (1.3 percent) to make intentionally false accusations.

          1. Even if DV isn’t falsely reported at a higher rate, there’s a presumption of innocence for everyone accused of a crime. And they’ve only heard one side of the story. Police reports/restraining orders just reiterate the victim’s statement without giving the alleged abuser any opportunity to present a case. Reaching the conclusion that he’s a criminal, especially “a criminal on the run” seems a bit premature.

          2. Right. First, presumption of innocence.

            Second, I have worked in family law and I have seen it all. the. time.

            I’m looking at probably what you were looking at, here: https://leadershipcouncil.org/docs/ABA_custody_myths.pdf. The numbers you cite deal with “child sexual abuse,” not DV in general. Apples and oranges. But even 6% of custody cases (more than 1 in 20) counts as “not uncommon” to me.

          3. hahaha. We can’t say “girls” but we can say that women fake DV. Classic SA.

    2. I can’t speak to what your husband should do with his brother, but as a survivor of DV, I would recommend giving SIL some space unless you’re prepared to be 100% vocally in support of her and the charge against her husband. As “his” family, almost any action you take will appear to be in his aid or assumed to try to help him in some way.

    3. I would definitely not initiate contact with either of them. I think you can be polite and not ice them out if they reach out to you, but I wouldn’t reach out to the SIL when it’s the BIL that is actually your husband’s blood relative. And obviously make sure your husband is on board with whatever you do, since it’s his family.

    4. So no history of violence except for exploding on people? Ok then.

      Don’t text either of them- it feels like you want to lure the sil into trusting you. Under no circumstance should you be texting them both. If he wants to text his brother (which is a terrible idea) you are no longer speaking to the SIL (be civil obviously, but don’t try to play both sides)

    5. “There’s a lot going on” reads as dismissive of allegations against him. You say “There’s a lot going on” when you want to play down that things are completely FUBAR-ed.

      Don’t reach out to either- since you aren’t close, it will seem forced to reach out to SIL and like you’re fishing for information, even if you aren’t. And unless your husband is willing to say “Dude, what the H*LL HAPPENED, GO TO THE POLICE,” don’t reach out to him either.

    6. Terrible idea. Don’t get involved in the mess. If your BIL is on the run, expect law enforcement to question your husband about his whereabouts.

  29. I took the day off work to spring clean my closet. Having a hard time with the things that don’t fit but still “spark joy,” as in 10 lbs lighter I could wear this! Though some have been under the bed for quite a while. It’s so hard to get rid of the things that you like but never fit quite right and that you just don’t reach for. Trying to stick with a capsule wardrobe but it gets boring. And am getting mad about the things I don’t fit into or the things I stupidly bought that I knew weren’t right but really tried to make work, and just hang there. Just venting I guess. I miss catholic school uniforms!!

    1. Donate it! Really, think about somebody who can only afford to shop at Goodwill stumbling on something beautiful, in a natural fabric, way nicer than she could ever buy new. That piece is just her size and every time she wears it she feels like a million bucks. Presto, joy!

      1. I have been putting off donating some things that don’t quite fit, but this convinced me. Thank you!

    2. I gave away 17 (!) jam-packed bags of things a few weeks ago and still have another bag or two of other items I’ve decided to purge since. I went through the same feelings–a lot were things I had only worn once or twice and then gained too much weight. Some were “good” things I had saved up to purchase only to never use because I didn’t want to ruin it and now don’t work for one reason or another. There were also somel that were memory items. “I wore this dress once–at my boss’s going away part– and looked fab.” “My (now-deceased) MIL complimented that cashmere sweater and said it looked like it was made for me.” All gone now and I feel SO much better. It was time to take back the space (literally and mentally). And I reminded myself that there’s no joy in something new if there is nowhere to put it. I also imagined a younger me (poor and trying to get a leg up professionally) and how much these items would have meant. I don’t regret anything. In fact, stepping back from it has given me a lot more perspective on materialism. We all celebrate the idea of “going shopping” so much. It’s sad we can’t wrap our heads around “giving away” with the same excitement. I actually have far less desire to shop right now.

    3. Put everything that doesn’t fit into a box and then put that box in storage. Then donate the whole thing next year if you haven’t gone to it and worn anything out of it. Makes it easier to let go.

    4. I save no more than 5 total items that I hope to fit into one day unless they are family heirlooms. It’s hard but I can tell you I looked again this weekend and have never fit into any of those five things…ever.

    5. I put a bunch of clothes that didn’t fit in a box in my garage. I did sort through them first and only kept the clothes I loved and felt like would still be in style if I lost the weight within a couple of years. I donated more than I kept. Anyways, the clothes lived in my garage for about 2 years. I lost 30 lbs last year and pulled them out in January, and I love them! It’s nice to have clothes that I feel good in, and not to have to shop, especially because I still want to lose another 25-30 lbs.

      So, if you truly love these clothes, and you have room for them, and losing 10 lbs is healthy and attainable and something you want to do if/when it becomes a priority, I vote for keeping them.

  30. I know there are many articles that address hair length and what’s appropriate for an interview, etc. I love my long hair (longest layer hits right at bra clasp), it’s well-taken care of (lots of layers and always worn down/styled in loose waves–not hippy waves, polished and with good volume, and cut often), and suits my personality/look/style. It also makes me feel very confident. I do not play with it ever or touch it once I’ve finished styling it at home.

    It has always been this long since I was a summer at the firm, so they’ve known what I look like for a few years now. I’m in a non-NYC market, but still biglaw. No one has ever said anything other than a few compliments about my hair looking great.

    I’m just wondering at what point I should think about shortening the look. Or should I? I love it, have never had short hair, and while none of the other associates I work with closely have hair this long (everyone at shoulder or above), it is not a “firm culture” thing and more of a function of hair type.

    Anyone else have slightly longer hair and feel very comfortable with it/don’t plan on changing it? I wouldn’t say I feel uncomfortable, but want to make sure I’m not starting to veer toward “sexy” hair. Conversely, would anyone judge my capabilities by this?

    1. Eff that noise. If your hair is neat and you don’t sit in meetings and twirl it (which is not professional no matter what length your hair is), keep it the length you like it!

      Mine is almost that long right now and has been longer. It’s also red/blonde ombre. I no longer work in a law firm, but when I did, it was past my bra strap and a very deep burgundy red. I’m keeping my hair long until I can no longer manage it on my own.

    2. The idea that grown women or mothers need to have short hair is so outdated. Rock whatever length you want.

      1. +1M. I am a lawyer, 40something, with bra length ombre hair. I even have a child. The haters and the looks police be damned. My hair is awesome and one of my favourite things. I am a litigator so meet other counsel a lot and see lots of women with long hair all the time. So please wear your hair the way it makes you happy.

        2. My longer reply got eaten, but same here – lawyer, in court/hearings a lot, with hair to just above by bra band. I wear it down or half up, it’s fine. And I’m 57.

    3. I also have long hair, with layers, cut regularly. I always wear it down, with loosely curled ends. I have been a lawyer for almost 9 years and I have three children. I have never had anyone say anything negative about it. People usually don’t say anything, but every now and then I get a compliment on it. I have done many oral arguments in our state Supreme Court with my long hair down (because that is how I feel most confident) and it has never been an issue. I make sure I don’t play with it while arguing or while sitting at counsel table waiting for my turn.

    4. I’m a lawyer, age 57, and still wear my hair (dark, starting to get some gray highlights) long; it’s currently just above the bra strap. I mostly wear it down or half up (with part of it pulled into a pretty barrette at the back of my head). Totally fine.

    5. I have long hair & firmly believe my hair is mine and my job doesn’t get that. My job gets appropriate outfits and an overall look, but it does not get my hair. I know how to style it (sounds like you do too) & I’ll wear it up when I really want to be formal. There’s no need to cut yours unless you want to.

  31. Quick question – in applying for a job via a form application, when a person you’re acquainted with socially (who works at the organization) says “you should apply for this!” but doesn’t know your work, do they still go under the box “how did you hear about this position” dropdown menu as “referral?”

  32. Is there any difference between the Vitamixes you get at Costco and ones you get elsewhere? Do people have an opinion on the best one – or at least the counter height vs tall one?

    1. Can’t speak to the Costco vs. other stores, but I bought an Ascent 3300 in January and love it. Couldn’t be happier. I was initially overwhelmed with the options and did a bunch of research before buying – the Ascent line is what Vitamix is apparently moving to for the future (and potentially phasing out the other lines). I bought mine from Williams Sonoma on sale. http://www.williams-sonoma.com/products/vitamix-a3300-ascent-series-blender/?pkey=e%7Cvitamix%7C49%7Cbest%7C0%7C1%7C24%7C%7C19&cm_src=PRODUCTSEARCH

  33. Much as I love that Spring has arrived, it brings with it my annual dilemma of what to do with my pale Irish skin (think Casper the Ghost, only whiter). Professional dresses are great for work, but my legs simply glow in the dark and make me very self-conscious. I have not found a self tanner that works well enough (or that I apply well enough) to pass for normal. My other option is panty hose, but I am afraid I will look like my grandma. I go through this every year as warm weather approaches. I know I should get over it, and just rock what I have, but while I am very confident in other respects, this one is too ingrained to talk myself out of.

    I am inhouse; business casual setting (would always wear hose or pantsuit for BOD meetings etc).

    So, HG of self tanners?
    Or, most comfortable , sheerest pantyhose?

    And, what does “OP” stand for? I can’t figure that one out…

    1. OP stands for Original Poster (I think?)

      Have you tried the Jergens Natural Glow lotion? I am darker skinned but use it for the same reason. I’m a complete klutz but I can still use it without ending up streaky.

      1. Same issue here – I also use the Jergens Natural Glow, but they just came out w/ a shower version that’s even easier to use (you put it on wet at the end of your shower and it doesn’t streak or feel sticky at all). I just roll with self tanner when I think about it & otherwise just don’t worry about it. I can’t imagine wearing hose though.

        1. Does that version have the same lingering scent? I’ve tried Natural Glow but felt like I smelled from it.

          1. There’s no way to avoid that scent in self-tanning products, as it’s from the active ingredient which creates the color.

    2. OP = original poster.

      As a fellow relative of Casper I have had the best success with the self-tanning moisturizing lotions that build color gradually. Jergens makes one. I am also more comfortable with my pasty pale legs when they are very toned from exercise.

      I will never ever wear closed-toe pumps without very sheer hose (DKNY or Hanes Silk Reflections), no matter what the season.

    3. Really, really. Just rock your white legs. Nobody cares, I swear. My legs are white and freckled and sometimes I have bruises or scrapes because I am a klutz and nobody cares. I swear to God. I was like you and when I finally said eff it and started rocking the white legs, it was SO MUCH BETTER.

      2. +1 to rocking the pale legs. I tried every product under the sun (but not the actual sun because wrinkles) and finally gave up on trying to look tan. I have come to believe I actually look better pale. Think of a movie star with similar hair and coloring to yours, and I bet you will think of someone pale. Nicole Kidman, Emma Stone– they are never tan! They almost always embrace the pale, and I was so relieved when I did too. It’s very freeing.

      3. +100. I’ve also found that colors/prints look better with my bright white legs than blacks, navys, and beiges. A black skirt and black shoes really highlights the bright white, but richer colors/fabrics soften the look a bit.

    4. I like Clarins self tanner. It builds pretty slowly and doesn’t streak as long as you take the time to rub it in. I usually apply it with my regular moisturizer to help it spread a bit more evenly.

      OP = original poster

    5. I like to use L’Oreal’s Sublime Bronze Self Tanning Gelee. I usually pick it up at Ulta since I rarely find it at other stores.

    6. Another Casper relative, and at work I wear hose (with closed toe shoes, obv). I’ve also been happy with Hanes Silk Reflections, which has a very pale but slightly more tan than natural me shade and are pretty comfortable. I go up a size, usually, because I’m relatively thicker on bottom than on top. (Good strong Irish legs!)

      I admit that if I’m leaving the house, I usually wear a maxi dress or lightweight cropped pants. For kicking around, I go au natural (and expect everyone to wear sunglasses, lol), which I find requires some delicacy in color choices. I’m still scarred from my last test drive of self tanners, which was admittedly ~15 years ago. I’ve heard very good things about Jergens and the other buildable lotions. I tried once but didn’t use routinely enough to see a difference. (That sort of thing is not my strong suit).

    7. I use the Jergen’s gradual lotion a couple of times and I feel like I’m good to go. I am your fellow Casper to begin with. I use the fair/medium shade, which I think leads to a more natural “tan” color for us ghosts.

      I am at the point where I think my legs do not actually look so good so I’m starting to wear hose more, but I find them so terribly uncomfortable, i’m sure I’ll go back to just saying f*** it and doing a couple of coats of Jergens in the summer months.

    8. re: sheerest pantyhose. I like the lightest color of Nordstrom’s house brand. Honestly it is the closest I’ve come to a no-hose look while wearing hose.

      I also like Spanx micro-fishnets in nude.

      1. I wear micro-fishies a lot, lately wearing those from Hue. I will look for Nordie’s sheer hose next time I’m in there.

    9. Jergens also makes an instant tan mousse (Natural Glow Instant Sun), which is not gradual build but instant color. It very subtly takes the edge off the ghost. But really, might make no difference at all, but once on, my legs become a non issue in my head & less odor than the others..

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