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This coral color is one of my secret weapons for making it through winter in the Northeast. I have a few tops in this color family, and I’m delighted to report that they do wonders for perking up my sallow winter complexion, and several friends of varying skin tones have reported the same.
This bobble sweater from Loft looks soft and cozy but will still look great on a videoconference screen.
The sweater is on sale for $35 (marked down from $59.50) and comes in sizes 14–26. It also comes in ivory.
This “coral blaze” sweater from Vince Camuto is available in sizes XS–XL for $47 and up, although Zappos, Nordstrom, and Macy's each have a different combination of sizes in stock.
Sales of note for 9.16.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 30% off wear-now styles
- J.Crew Factory – (ends 9/16 PM): 40% off everything + extra 70% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Extra 25% off all tops + markdowns
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
Sales of note for 9.16.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 30% off wear-now styles
- J.Crew Factory – (ends 9/16 PM): 40% off everything + extra 70% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Extra 25% off all tops + markdowns
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
Some of our latest posts here at Corporette…
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
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- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Anonforthis
My bar organization is starting to plan a 2023 retreat and many people want an all inclusive resort (Cabo or Jamaica). I grew up without much money and am trying to understand how these work – is food truly included? Are people supposed to tip, or is gratuity included? I’m trying to get an idea for all-in out of pocket cost but having a hard time understanding the websites and reviews on these two topics.
Anonymous
Go to TripAdvisor and read up on the resorts being considered for how each resort really works – some include food but not alcohol, some forbid tipping, etc.
anon8
Yes all food and drinks the resort provides are included. You don’t have to pay for them. There will be a gift shop where you can buy souvenirs, etc. At the last resort I went to in Cancun, gratuity was not included. We did tip our servers and left money in the room for housekeeping. I’ve seen discussions on the TripAdvisor forums about whether dollars or pesos are preferred for tipping. At the time, we used dollars. This was around 10 years ago so maybe others have more recent experience.
AnonATL
It’s been like 8 years since I went to an all inclusive resort in the Dominican Republic, and if I remember correctly, we left a tip for the cleaning service the day we checked out but I don’t think we tipped the bar staff or restaurant staff during meals. It wasn’t a super upscale resort so expectations may vary.
And generally food and most drinks are truly included. Some resorts have higher end restaurants you pay out of pocket for or you may have to pay for top shelf liquor/wine.
I’m now dreaming of sitting on a warm beach with a sugary tropical cocktail…
anne-on
It depends on the venue, but generally it’s similar to college meal plans – your food is truly all included though there may be ‘add ons’ (better drinks package, special restaurants that are extra vs. buffet only, etc.). A baseline tip is almost always included (10-15%) though it was common to give extra cash tips for people who really served you personally (your housekeeper, if someone brought your bags to your room or did something above and beyond – but it was a nominal amount).
A lot of reviews will focus on quality of the food/drinks as the quality of the included food can/does vary widely and I’m sure you saw the rash of deaths in Mexico related to tainted alcohol served in well drinks to tourists.
Anon
Yes, all food and usually alcohol is included.
Anonymous
Yes it’s really included. I’ve only been to one all-inclusive, but all the TripAdvisor reviews I read before going said to tip, so I had probably $200-300 in small bills. I always tipped at the bar (especially when pool attendants brought me drinks) and at restaurants (a few $ for buffet restaurant, probably $10 at the sit-down restaurant (for context, I was there solo, so that felt like an appropriate amount for serving just me).
Anon791
We did our first all inclusive not long ago in Cabo.
Gratuity is included. However, we gave tips in the mooring to our pool-side server and got amazing service all day long. We also tipped our housekeeper daily, and got a similar response (fast turn on room service, fully stocked fridge always, fresh towels all day long, etc). It was completely worth it to toss someone $20-50/day and get white glove service, especially when everything else was included mentally it felt like we could easily “afford” those daily tips since we weren’t paying for anything else on the day-to-day.
One thing that threw me was that every time you get a meal/drinks you get a receipt. The receipt looks like a normal receipt with space for adding a tip. If I remember correctly all you really had to do was put your last name and room number (despite being ‘all inclusive’ they do track what you consume/verify that you’re a guest at each meal). It did note at the bottom that X% gratuity was included but it was an option to leave an extra tip. I think the first few times we did leave those tips, because habit, but we soon realized it wasn’t necessary so we stopped. Just something to be aware of because I could see that throwing an all-inclusive newbie off.
Anon
Just chiming in to say that cruises are different where you usually do all your tipping at the end and only if you had a concierge or butler. The regular waitstaff are tipped out of a gratuity that is added to your bill. I’m so glad I looked that all up online before going on our anniversary cruise in a suite because I would have had no idea the butler and concierge were treated differently.
Formerly Lilly
A travel agent might be useful to you, especially in dealing with booking a group. We have utilized the services of Tana Vaynshteyn for years, and she is a gold mine of useful information and advice, and very responsive. She has an in depth knowledge of all inclusive resorts.
email – tana@grandturizmo.com
Disclaimer: I have no affiliation with Tana. I’m just impressed with her. My ex husband and I had the pleasure of running into her and her husband at a resort in Mexico some years ago, and in addition to being an excellent travel agent, she is a delightful person.
Pale
Confession: I gained the COVID-19. I am super pale (picture Emma Stone on red carpet, but bigger, wearing sweats, and no makeup artist). A friend recommended I get a spray tan to mix things up/make lumps less visible to my eye. She means this in a nice way, but I’m picturing Snooki. Is there actually a low enough setting that will both make a difference and not turn me orange? Every self tanner in the world has left me streaky – yes this is probably my fault – which is why she suggested a spray.
Anon
Is there a specific event or something you are getting this for? They don’t last that long, just a couple to a few days if I remember correctly. Just trying to picture why in COVID life this would be worth doing?
You can get them without looking like snooki.
I personally don’t like them because I just feel gross for awhile after (you aren’t allowed to shower for a bit, I forget the details) and I don’t like the smell. So if this is for a big thing, I would do a test run first to make sure you like it.
anon
Yes, I’d only bother with a spray tan for an event where it would show. Definitely not in the middle of winter unless you are a contestant on Dancing With the Stars or something like that.
anon
IDK, I don’t think it would really be worth it. It’s February. We’re all rocking a ghostly pallor. I’d get some bronzer and call it a day.
Anon
I like how the lightest (level 1 at my local spray tan place) looks and none of my friends (who would absolutely remark if I looked ridiculous) have every said anything. On the contrary, I’ve gotten lots of compliments the few times I’ve done it. I always take a good shower before hand and really scrub (exfoliate?). Never an issue with streakiness. I am as pale as you describe yourself.
BeenThatGuy
+1 I’m extremely pale and always do level 1 when I get a spray tan. I always exfoliate before and swear loose fitting clothing.
Anon
Omg this is so toxic. Gaining weight is not a sin you need to confess. No friend suggests ways you can hide how unfathomably hideous you are. Emma Stone plus 60 pounds in sweats with no makeup would still be hot.
Please try harder both for your own sake and to avoid inflicting your toxic body talk on the rest of us.
Bonnie Kate
Seriously lol at this comment – you leave a berating mean comment wanting her to be kinder to herself? Perhaps this works with your friends, but I’d be a hard pass on comments like this. She wants to do something superficial to help her feel good about herself in the short term while her eye adjusts to her changed body, not drink juice only for the next year. That is not toxic.
OP – I get the feeling of needing to “confess” weight gain. I just went to the doctor and stepped on a scale for the first time in forever, and weighed 15 lb more than what I used to weigh. Cue me immediately googling “how to lose 15 lb.” while waiting for the doctor. I still haven’t told my best friend, which is weird because we tell each other everything – so that’s probably case in point that I literally get the “confession” feeling. HOWEVER. I took a breath, and I’m not going on a crash diet, or any diet rather than “eat real food”. I’m not stopping my weight training. I’m probably going to buy myself an outfit this weekend that really fits me well and makes me feel bomb, because something superficial like that – maybe a spray tan for you! – sometimes helps get us through the moments where we have to come face to face with societies expectations and get to that space where we’re really okay with ourselves. Just because we are intellectually okay with not being size zero doesn’t mean its easy or we don’t have the feelings.
Anonymous
Why on earth would you tell your best friend you gained weight? Again, please work on yourself.
Bonnie Kate
Again, you do you, but I don’t think we have the same kind of friendships. That’s okay.
anon
I’m not OP but I love this comment. I strive to be this compassionate and understanding!
onpoint
“berating comment wanting her to be kinder to herself” – nailed it! Anon at 10:48am, be better.
Anon
Yes, this.
Ellen
I also gained alot of weight since it got cold out. My tuchus is at an alltime high, as I can’t fit into my pencil skirts at all. I will stick to A line dresses until I can take off the weight, and wear my winter puffer until May if I have to walk in the park. I have no underlying conditions so won’t be eligible for the vaccine for a while, so that is at least a positive. I can see what reaction my family has to the vaccine. Rosa has asthma, and I don’t know if that qualifies her, but with 4 kids, she should make sure to get vaccinated ASAP b/c they are always sick and blowing their noses into the phone. I think we will all be fine after the vaccine and will be able to meet guys again and have s-x. That can help us all loose alot of weight quickly if we are dedicated to it. YAY!!!
anon
I’ve been happy with the build-up self tanning lotions from the drugstore(I used L’Oreal, there are many options). They build up if you apply several days in a row, so I felt that I had a greater level of control and wouldn’t end up looking weird. I used to apply it to my upper arms or legs, if I was going to a function or a wedding. But hey, if it helps you out of a pandemic funk, even briefly, that’s probably $10 well spent.
AnonATL
+1. There are some wipes that are supposed to be good too. Just be careful to wash your hands thoroughly or you will get orange palms!
Anon
see Lisa on real housewives of SLC at the reunion with her grubby orange palms. Rookie mistake.
AFT
I don’t understand doing a spray tan if you don’t have a particular event to go to, but i use mild self tanner in a lotion (one for face, one for body) from Neutrogena and find that it makes me look less ghostly pale during the winter.
Smells
Any fellow anosmia sufferers post-Covid? I had a “mild” Covid case back in November, lost my sense of smell, and it never returned. I don’t want to complain too much, when I know it could be so much worse, but it sucks and I’m wondering if it will ever return to normal. I miss smelling my kid’s head and my fancy lotions and cooking smells. There was a good NyTimes article about this a couple of weeks ago, but still feeling sort of isolated about the whole thing. Curious to hear of others’ experiences.
Anon
I had that over the summer (NOT from Covid, surprisingly enough, although I was sure it was a mild case with one really noticeable change, just *really* bad allergies). Slowly, slowly, slowly it came back, along with my sense of taste. I had to double down on the allergy meds, allergy shots, and sinus rinsing (blergh). It was really weird and in the hot humid summer I wondered if I smelled bad (and if I’d know if I did).
Anon
Of course there is no official huge study from this but there have been some preprint studies and a lot of forums by COVID sufferers pointing to upping intake of zinc (one of theories is the anosmia is caused by zinc deficiency), although there is no conclusion on whether zinc is curative for anosmia or preventative to take while sick, but also talk to your doctor about nasal steroids and sprays.
EK
Google eating a burnt orange COVID. There was an article in the National Post about retraining your sense of smell and taste.
Sunshine
I remember my mom reading a book a few years ago about a chef who lost her sense of smell and became very depressed. I don’t remember anything else about the book, and I didn’t read it. But wanted to flag the potential depression issue. (I’m in no way saying you’re depressed or your post suggests signs of depression; please don’t read into my comment. I’m just putting it out there that this happened to one woman so perhaps be alert to it).
Coach Laura
My daughter is an ICU RN and two of her male coworkers had covid early, like April/May last year and still have anosmia. One has gone from 220 to 160 pounds because he says he can’t taste anything except really bitter or really salty things. Sounds awful. No useful advice but I hope you’re better soon.
Product manager role: Courses? Associations?
Good morning! I’m looking at moving into a product manager role. My company has arranged for Scrum Product Owner certification. I need more but am unsure what certifications are worth pursuing.
Can anyone weigh in on the Pragmatic Institute’s Product Management course? Alternatives?
Thank you for your advice!
Anonymous
I have been a PM and have also been VP/SVP of product mgmt at tech firms.
I like pragmatic, but it is only one of several good programs out there, each with their own pros and cons. What is most appropriate will likely depend on your org’s philosophy/ approach to product management.
What kind of product are you managing? Is it software PMs are very different than, for example, medical device. Does your org sell B2B or B2C? Do you have product marketing as its own function? Product ownership? Or is The product manager a combo of all 3?
Anonymous
not OP but if you have recommendations for software PMs I’d appreciate it. I don’t have that title but do that work in my job and have looked at jobs with that title…would love to hear anything I should be doing to make my resume more appealing in that way.
Anonymous
If you want to post a burner email I can send you some thoughts. Or post again in the AM and I can respond.
OP
OP here — thanks!
My company sells software B2B. It’s a very small company and my role until now has been helping and training new users. The role I would move into would be a combo role. Thanks!
Hazel
My wife and I have come to the conclusion that we’re staying in our one-bedroom condo for the long term (prices for anything larger are SKY-HIGH in our region). We’d like to start planning for some minor renovations — painting kitchen cabinets, new counters / sink in both kitchen and bathroom, etc. Because of the small size of our unit there doesn’t seem to be any way we could do these renovations while still living here. Anyone have advice or stories of renovations in small quarters like this?
Veronica Mars
Don’t. Don’t do it. If a project is really minor, like a handyman just has to come in and hang a light, you could probably be okay for that– but painting the cabinets– they have to take down every single door and drawer face and scatter them everywhere and paint everything. I’d look for a temporary 1-month rental or two, 2-week Air BNB stays and try to coordinate it all for that time period.
anne-on
This. I also wouldn’t go far away. I renovated an apartment before I moved in and was over at least 2-3x/week if not more to check in with the contractors, answer questions, confirm things were proceeding properly, etc. Also do NOT assume that because your contractor was told something that the sub-contractor got the message.
I have had painters paint rooms/walls the entirely wrong colors before, use the bathroom cabinet pulls in the kitchen/etc. If I paint multiple rooms again I’m putting painters tape on the walls with the color name in both English and Spanish. Our contractor when we’ve done bath renovations also found it helpful when I used sharpies to label boxes with their usage – floor tile vs. wall tile, vanity light vs. ceiling light, etc.
The original Scarlett
+1 – bake in the cost of living elsewhere temporarily into your reno budget and get a place nearby so you can check on things.
Anon
+1 OP doesn’t mention how many bathrooms they have, but if they only have 1 and plan on doing anything to the floor, toilet, shower or anything where the water will be turned off for a meaningful amount of time, this is almost a must. Unless they have a close personal relationship with an immediate neighbor willing to give them unlimited access to their condo for a period of time. A kitchen you can maybe make do without for a little bit with food delivery etc.
Anon
You can probably find someone to take doors etc offsite to paint.
Anon
It depends if you are able to go back to work. A lot of people rely on work for bathrooms and lunch / takeout for their second meal. For a couple of days, you could even shower at a gym (ah, before times!). If you are both WFH and only have one bathroom, oof, maybe wait a while or consider an extended stay hotel with kitchenette for a week or two.
AIMS
I think this depends on your comfort level! I have a friend who renovated her small 1 bedroom and moved out to a hotel for just the days her bathroom was unusable (3-4) and suffered thru the rest to cut costs. We had to move into our place before our renovation was done because it ran over time and our lease was up and we made it thru with no kitchen and half a bathroom for a few weeks with a new baby (so lots of washing dishes and bottles for in the bathroom). I also had no gas for a while when my 2nd was born because my neighbor cut the wrong wire on their renovation and had to cook every meal on a hot plate. So I read the whole “don’t do it!” and it doesn’t phase me, but only you can know what works for you and your family! If you can move out for a month, that def. will make it easier, but I don’t think it’s strictly necessary.
Vicky Austin
My ILs did something similar! They had to gut their kitchen for health reasons, getting it put back together took a while because they were on a shoestring budget, and they brought SIL home from the hospital before any of it was functional. DH was 5ish and I can’t even imagine having a newborn and a rambunctious 5-year-old and having to do your dishes in the bathtub.
Anon
Food and drink (usually everything but top shelf) is included. I always tip because we travel with my family and have tons of kids with us. For a group of 10, we leave a $20 on the table for a lunch or dinner. I tip $5-10 for little services. I carry about $300 in small bills and am good for the week.
Anon
I lived without a kitchen for a summer doing a Reno. We pushed the fridge into another room and relied on a toaster oven and microwave. For a family of 4. I washed dishes by hand and had a gadget for cooking pasta in the microwave.
WE
If you’re someone who is from a specific ethnic culture beyond American (anything – Asian, Arab, African American, Caribbean etc) AND you aren’t just someone who “put up” with cultural lessons from your family but are rather someone who as an adult is proud of, involved in your culture. You’re always talking about the accomplishments of people in your culture – your family but more broadly too. You’re trying to uplift people in your culture/mentor etc where applicable. If this is an important part of your identity, would you marry outside of it/could you imagine marrying outside of it? Not criticizing either way – sometimes it comes down to you love who you love – but I’m curious how people make that “decision.” As I type this I realize it can apply to faith as well as culture. Thoughts?
Anon
Yes absolutely. I’m committed to my faith and culture but don’t see any reason why I couldn’t marry outside of it. I fully expect to there aren’t lots of us here! Marrying someone from a different culture would add richness to my life not take away from who I am
Anon
I think I’m one of those people. I grew up in Appalachia and married a white man. There just wasn’t enough people in my ethnic group to have a choice, you know? Maybe I would have tried to marry within my ethnic group if I lived in a bigger city and actually had that option. Anyway, I’m happy. He’s a nice guy and always supportive/respectful of my culture.
Anon
Out of curiosity, aren’t people from Appalachia considered white (unless they are BIPOC)?
Anon
Not Anon at 9:29, but I think that’s exactly what she said: that she is BIPOC and grew up in Appalachia, where most people are white.
Anon
I grew up in Appalachian, and I am BIPOC. We are not a monolith.
Ellen
BIPOC stands for Black, Indigenous and People of Color. But does it mean you have to be all 3 to qualify? Or else can you be indigenous, but not black or a Person of Color, such as an American Indian? I am not even sure. There are to many new labels to follow. If anyone really knows, let the rest of us HIVETTES know.
anonymous
I was born in India, but moved to the US when I was three years old. My husband is white. I’ve enjoyed sharing my culture with him and he’s been interested in learning about it. And he loves the food, which is a plus. If he had not been open to learning about the culture or was a picky eater, I would not have wanted to marry him.
Anon for this
Apologies for the long post ahead – I’m an Asian American who was born in the US but spent formative years living in Asia and ultimately came back to the US for college and stayed. I’m proud of being Asian American – I think because I spent a good chunk of K-12 in Asia, I never wanted to “pass as white” and be ashamed of my culture. By the time I came back to US for college, I ended up hanging out with a lot of kids in the Asian American cultural groups (but also made non-Asian friends too!).
That being said, I feel kind of conflicted about marrying outside my culture, especially to white men, for me personally. A good chunk of my female relatives and Asian American female friends who *grew up in the US* married white dudes. And… that’s fine. Because while the women don’t consciously try to always act white, they do so because that’s what US culture has taught them that it is what they should do. They retain some of our culture (usually just food aspects), but they’ve generally not seen Asian American men (or even men of non-white cultures) as “acceptable” because of US white supremacy and general ingrained Asian-American racism from the older generations. I mean, I’m all for marrying whoever you love and treats you well but… sometimes… I cringe at how the white husbands exoticize (sometimes even fetishize) various aspects of Asian culture by thinking that “it’s cool to learn about another culture” but don’t realize how weird they’re coming off. On the other hand, it’s a good thing that these white dudes are trying to learn a different culture, then pass on some of the appreciation and nuances of it to their own extended families, who tend to be either super WASPy or meat-and-potatoes white cultures.
For the few couples that I know are interracial but do not include white partners (so Asian/Black or Asian/Latinx at least in my own circles), I think both sides come from a greater openness to learn about each other’s cultures and try harder to “not make it weird.” That being said though, there’s definitely WAAAYYY more family push-back if the couples are Asian/Black or Asian/Latinx from all sides vs if the couples are Asian/Asian or Asian/white.
For me, I’d prefer to marry someone who is Asian-American (child of immigrants or grandchild) that they can understand certain cultural things without me explaining everything (like rice cookers are a necessity in life for a start), but yet be open-minded and understand individuality and creativity the way American culture encourages. And that I don’t have to explain why calling someone “ching chong” is an insult. (yes, a white husband said this to me when I asked about a mutual acquaintance’s real name… the Asian wife probably didn’t get the insult since she didn’t grow up in the US at all and I was so shocked by this I was completely speechless at the moment.)
Ultimately though, if I fall in love and marry a man of another culture, it is what it is and life is a continuing education for everyone.
fara
“act white, they do so because that’s what US culture has taught them that it is what they should do. ”
Hmm I freakin’ hate it when people talk like this. I’m not “too American for an Indian” I just actually am American. Of course I act like an American, because I am. That’s not white supremacy or US culture teaching me, I am part of US culture. I’m not being forced to do something by US culture, my culture is the US’s culture AND my parents culture.
Anon
+1 I’m the commenter above. I’m BIPOC AND an Appalachian. I dig for ramps, listen to bluegrass, make pepperoni rolls, watch football. And I love my ethnic heritage. It’s really not fun to live somewhere and be told you shouldn’t enjoy or appreciate the community’s culture. You like to have fun, and SO DO WE
Anon
Hi, fellow West Virginian. :)
Anon
LGM!
Anon
Hmm, judgmental much? We all know there are Asians Americans who try really hard to hang out with people only, and look down on other Asian Americans. She’s not saying liking football means you are one of those AA. Gosh, people on this thread are way too sensitive.
Anon
“Hang out with white people only”
anon
Wow, you have a lot of contempt for Americans, including Asian-Americans. You will be happiest married to someone who shares that contempt.
Anon
I don’t read contempt at all. She’s talking about her experience as a minority in this country. If you can’t understand that, don’t put words in her mouth from your privileged white porch.
Anon
“the Asian wife probably didn’t get the insult since she didn’t grow up in the US at all” . . . yikes
Anon
What’s to “yike” about that? A lot of Asian people who didn’t grow up here don’t understand what words like “chink” or “Ching Chong” mean and would be fine with them because they don’t know the historical context. She is stating a well-known fact.
Anon
Thank you. That’s a really thoughtful perspective!
fara
I’m like that to a good extent, and I would totally marry outside my culture as long as he was interested in my culture to some extent, didn’t grumble about going to festivals or about certain traditions – and I would be happy to learn and incorporate his traditions and culture as well
Piper Dreamer
Yes, absolutely. I am East Asian (and moved here as an adult) and my husband is white. It is a lot of fun to celebrate both “white” holidays and “Asian” ones. I love the open-mindedness in our relationship and it carries over to other cultures as well. When we encounter a different cultural practice, instead of going directly to that is weird, we’d be like that is interesting and I want to learn more.
anon for this
I’m single in my late 20s and still figuring out how I feel about this as someone from a cultural and faith background that is very important to me and a core part of my identity. I was actually in a relationship with a man from my faith background (not as much shared cultural background) and I had to end it because he became emotionally abusive and wanted me to minimize my cultural activities in favor of only participating in our shared religious community. His family was also always judging me for not being religious enough. That is is not to say that all men from my community are like that, far from it. But it does often feel like the good ones are already taken.
So I guess my current stance is this: I’m not tied to marrying a man from that shared background, but I want to marry a good, kind man who understands and accepts how important those aspects of my identity are to my life. In pre-COVID times, I attended services every week and I want to pass that heritage (language, knowledge of my people’s history) on to future children. That last requirement, I think, makes it more likely that the right partner for me is someone who shares my faith and culture, but if I meet someone who is not and is the right partner for me, I’m open to it.
Anon
For me, I can more easily imagine myself marrying someone from another ethnic and traditional religious background with similar values to mine than I can imagine marrying into white “mainstream” American culture where I ultimately feel more friction?
Anon
Ime relationships are easier if you don’t have too much attachment to your culture, your spouse whole heartedly embraces the aspects of your culture you love, or you live in a community with a large population of members of your culture. It is incredibly easy to feel alone in your own family when there is no one who knows or respects your culture the same way you do. Tbh I think what culture you’re from, and the attitude towards marrying outside of your culture matters a lot.
R
People fall in love with whoever they fall in love with. But I’ll be honest lots of successful guys in my community who are always rah rah – black people this, black people that, uplift the next generation, mentoring, black peoples potential – oh my wife nah she’s white, didn’t want/couldn’t find a black girl. At the point I do take their cultural excitement far less seriously. And no this isn’t because I’m looking for a husband – I’ve been married for 10 years.
Anon
+1 the same is true of Asian men. I’ve met Asian American men who are really proud of having a white wife, all the while acting “woke” and ultra-liberal. The internalized racism is sickening.
No Face
I am a proud Black woman with a white husband. My husband had several Black friends and girlfriends before he met me, which makes a big difference. We share the same faith though.
(short comment because there is a sleeping baby in my arms!)
Anon
My parents are from two very different cultures. Both are meaningful to me. My spouse has a different cultural background, and we live in a place with a strong regional culture. We’re teaching our kids about what is most meaningful to us from all of the cultures.
It never occurred to me to look for someone with the same cultural mix as me.
Anon
I’m Jewish and marrying someone Jewish was very important to me. I met my Jewish husband when we were 20 in college and definitely wasn’t thinking about marriage at the time, so it sort of worked itself out. Since there aren’t many non-white Jews, if I was going to marry someone Jewish it seemed likely they would be white too
Anon
I’m Muslim and marrying Muslim was important to me. I’m 40 now and it didn’t happen so maybe I miscalculated? But IDK it’s a restrictive type of culture that others may be respectful of but don’t really GET – no drinking; dressing modestly, no gardening except w husband etc. Like I know people are polite but don’t really get (guys esp) why I’m not going to wear a bikini; it’s more like oh you can, your parents aren’t here. I CAN but don’t want to.
Anonymous
So I was born outside the US, moved here as a kid and am working very hard to pass down my language and culture to my own child. That said, I never really dated anyone from my culture and I think I would have felt weird seeking that out. It definitely wouldn’t have been hard as I live in a big city with plenty of people from all different countries and I don’t judge anyone who does do this in any way, but it would have felt funny for me personally to say I will only marry someone who is X. It would definitely be easier sometimes! But it just never occurred to me.
My parents are of different faiths though so maybe that idea of difference has always just been part of my assumptions in life. I also think where you’re from is such a small part of “culture”. The person I ended up with has a different background for sure but so many similarities as far as the values with which he was raised. I think if I’m being honest stuff like it’s assumed you will go to college is much more important to me and my family than what language you speak or where you grew up. I guess it’s in some ways a similar sorting process but using different criteria.
I never really thought about it but figured I’d offer my perspective.
anon
I’m white but from a cultural background that ties a specific religious identity to an immigrant identity (and grew up in an immigrant community where church services are still held in the first language). I did not and would not marry outside of that culture – my feeling was that there are so many differences between people to address/deal with in a marriage anyway, I didn’t want to add cultural or religious differences to the mix. I have no problem with people who do have interracial/religious/cultural marriages, it just wasn’t something I personally was open to, and didn’t want to have conflicts about whether my kids would be raised with that religion, language and culture.
Seventh Sister
I think potential conflicts are something that is really, really a good idea to consider when you are getting married. We did premarital counseling through our church and while we seem on paper to be really similar, it was good to see where there are differences. In terms of the religion thing, my husband is very devout and very much a believer, while I’m more participatory and community-minded. We’re on the same page, but not the same paragraph.
anon
oh absolutely; we joke that I’m all orthodoxy and DH is all orthopraxy. We’re also one immigrant generation different. And those two things are themselves big enough hurdles to negotiate (for us).
Anonymous
I’m Indigenous, deeply involved in my community in cultural and political work, and married a white man. Everybody in my Tribe is either related to me or a nonstarter for Tribal political reasons. I married later than a lot of the folks in the local community, so other Native people I met were generally already partnered up or from a Tribe that my Tribe has beef with.
We’re raising our child with traditions from all of our family cultures and I’m making sure they’re involved in the local Native community.
Rolex watch winder?
This is a beautiful color, though I’m lukewarm on the style. Does anyone use a watch winder and have thoughts on whether they’re worth it? I’m realizing that a lot of what was keeping my Rolex going was my commute to and from work, and I think I’m going to be mostly WFH for quite a while. I’m not really good at re-winding it myself, either.
Anon
My husband uses a watch winder (multiple watches) and loves it because it keeps all of his watches ready to go. He has had it for at least 10 years and it is still going strong.
CountC
+1 I have a watch winder as well for multiple watches. I Googled to ensure that I knew what my various watch winding requirements were and then did the same to source an appropriate winder.
anon
Update to my post last week about talking through a fight with DH over household chores: the Fair Play cards by Eve Rodsky have been amazing for a full week now. Spending an hour explaining it to DH was the low point, and he scoffed at some of the less tangible “cards”. I think when he assigned himself a lot of “cards” (like all the cooking) he was making a point. But within a couple of hours, he’d built up a head of momentum and was running around the house doing chores I never bother with, kondo-ing boxes from 5 years ago, suggesting laundry would be easier if we owned more socks. And he’s kept this up fairly enthusiastically for 5 days now, without any more promoting from me!!! He goes over and flips through the stack of cards and reminds himself what he needs to do.
A review of the product: I was very pleased I could access the full “deck” of cards for free, on her website or in the back of the library. It actually makes me more likely to buy the cutesy branded product, which is only $25, not 15 payments of 19.99. I also got the book from the e-library, although I will not be buying that!
Eve Rodsky also very clearly targets a certain audience of couples with very gendered roles, but if the marketing helps get people to commit and succeed, so much the better. I think she appeals to men (and anyone else untrained in household management) because it shows the big picture. Deck-building games are stereotypically a guy thing. And for the good guys, it actually pays off because their partner is less stressed.
anon
Glad to hear that you’ve found a solution!
Anon
I’m glad it’s working for you but it makes me sad that you’re in a relationship where you have to use games and props to get your husband to do the bare minimum.
Veronica Mars
I makes me sad when people make snarky comments as Anons that tear other ‘rettes down.
Anon
Ugh if the bar was ‘self sufficient men’ 90% of American women would be single. There just aren’t very many men who were taught these things. We can’t shame women for selecting from a bad pool.
anon
My bar is self sufficient men and I am single.
anon
My bar is self sufficient men, and I am single.
anon
OP here, assuming good intentions. I knowingly married a wonderful man raised with servants, and I’m no phenomenal housekeeper myself. I’m also 100% the kind of person who goes looking for a system on the internet when I have a persistent problem. I (and DH, fwiw,) would also endorse YouNeedaBudget and the SkinnyTaste mealplans, if anyone is curious.
anne-on
If you haven’t seen the cards/read the book I wouldn’t knock the system, a lot of the ‘cards’ are designed to explicitly call out a lot of the ‘soft’ work that can be invisible – researching camps, birthday party/holiday planning, etc. It isn’t just ‘do the dishes, clean the bathroom’. If we used the system to divvy up cards my husband could take every visible chore and STILL not have half the cards – that’s the point – SO much of raising children goes beyond keeping them fed/watered.
Veronica Mars
This is great, I may need these, although my husband actually is the neat freak that does more of the household tasks than I do. On a related note, thank you notes are very important to his family but it falls on me to write them and send them, so I got a stamp of my husband’s signature on Amazon (it was like $12, his first name only) and I’ve been using that for him to “sign” the cards instead of my having to hunt him down and make him sign them. Genius? Sad? Who knows!
anon
Wow. Not judging, just curious, do you think people can tell it’s a stamp and not a pen?
Anonymous
How about an autopen?
Anon
I’m glad you’ve found a system that works for you, but if it was important to HIS family but HE didn’t do it, man I would be tempted to get a stamp that says “Thank you. – DH” and literally add nothing else, ever. (Or just… not do it and play dumb when I got asked. “Oh? Why don’t you ask DH, I didn’t do any thank yous.”)
anon
Funny, in my family thanks you cards are “important” aka loaded with guilt and unspoken bs. DH is a champ at writing nice cards to my relatives when I can’t set aside all the complications.
Anonymous
Yep, my husband writes all cards, including thank-you notes, because he’s better at it than I am. Comparative advantage FTW.
Senior Attorney
Great report!
And laundry is definitely easier when you own a lot of socks (and underwear)!
Anon
Here’s a possibly silly question:
Do boobs sag more overtime if you are wearing less supportive bras?
I’m a 34G and usually wear industrial strength bras when working outside of the house. During the pandemic, I have just been wearing Coobie bras when working from home or walking around the block. They keep things from being painfully unsupported but don’t hold them up in their ideal location.
I’ve started noticing that my boobs are sagging a bit more than they had been. I also turn 40 this year. So, it could just be age but I also worry my Coobie addiction is adding to their demise. I’m not sure if the answer will change my behavior but I’m just curious.
anon
I think it’s very possible that less support = more sagging, but I have no actual data to back that up. I am smaller chested than you are (36B), but I still wear supportive bras most days. I prefer it aesthetically and also from a support standpoint. I guess I like being locked and loaded, haha. Bralettes are for weekend/evening wear.
Anon
I’m a 30F and have worn a bra less than 5 days in the past year. I do notice when going about my daily business that they sit lower than I’m used to, but a bra hikes them up higher in general, so my mental set point of “where they belong in clothes” is different than “where they belong in pajamas”. I haven’t noticed any actual change in their structure. I’m early 40s and have never been pregnant or breastfed.
Note that I have slacked hardcore on my cardio this year, so this does not include exercise. I do have (as you put it) industrial-strength sports bras, and will wear them consistently once I drag myself back onto the elliptical.
Anon
Yeah, my question was based on how they look naked. I know they will be lower with a less supportive bra than a fully supportive bra.
Anon
I get it, I’m just saying that it took me a bit of “deprogramming,” so to speak, to assess whether it was true sagging or just perception.
Airplane
I think this is genetic and bras don’t do much for how much they will or will not sag when naked. Look at your mom and to a lesser extent the other women in your family and you’ve probably got the answer.
Anon
Fun puppy logistics question: Our breeder offered a flight nanny service to bring our puppy to us (instead of us driving 12+ hours to pick up the puppy). It’s a 2 hour flight for the flight nanny and puppy.
Should we tip the flight nanny and, if so, how much? Thanks!
Anon
This board never ceases to disappoint me.
Anon
Surely this is a joke? Please?
Anon
Why would be it be a joke? This person is literally putting their own selfish interests above the risk to other humans and animals during a global pandemic. That’s pretty poor character in if you ask me, so yeah I’m disappointed by a supposedly high achieving woman acting in such a manner.
Anon
I mean the post, not your comment.
Anon
Seriously. And I am probably a mid-level risk taker when it comes to COVID relative to this board, and I’m all for outsourcing some common household tasks for the right price and safety measures…and even I’m like, what???? Between the subjecting someone else to a flight in a pandemic (VERY different than taking on your own flight risk), the phrasing and thought process that this should be a “fun” question, the idea that this isn’t even a question on if they should but how much to tip….everything about it, what???
OP, if this is a serious question, hopefully at the very least these responses have shown you that you should tread lightly with who and how you discuss this IRL, because this hopefully shows what a lot of people will secretly think about this question.
pugsnbourbon
… I did not know this was a thing. Maybe that’s what Ted Cruz was doing on his flight.
Anon
You just gave me a mental image of Ted Cruz flying to Cancun in a crate in the cargo compartment so thank you for that.
Anon.
And thank you, now I spat my coffee on my keyboard. Lol.
Anon
Omg I cannot. There’s a raging pandemic. Drive and get your designer dog yourself instead of having someone get on a plane. Literally think for a minute.
fara
My friend flew to another state, picked up the dog from the breeder in the airport, and then turned around and flew straight back. Is that better?
Anon
Sure. At least she’s not putting someone else at risk
Anon
Did she do it during the pandemic? If so, then nope, she still sounds like an a-hole to me.
Anon
I wouldn’t call it a “raging” pandemic at this point. It has become a manageable pandemic and we know which precautions to take.
Anon
Hahahahahahhahaahahahahahhaahahhahahahahahahahahahahahaha oh my god yes let’s split hairs about what to call the deadly pandemic still killing 2300 people per day. Manageable? Talk to ICU staff. Or funeral homes. Or families who have lost multiple members. Manageable. Hahahahaha.
anon
We’re down considerably from the peak so yes “manageable” is the correct word since clearly we are making progress.
Anon
Do you understand that it could get worse again very quickly as places reopen? Or that the new variants are a huge risk? We’re down from our peak but not because it’s suddenly under control, but because we can’t do shit.
Anon
Some of us are certainly doing more than “not shit” and have been for quite some time! But go off with the fear-mongering, I know it’s probably your main hobby these days.
anon
Why would you put a dog on a plane if you had any other option? Our dog was an overseas rescue, and I’m convinced that the long flight in the cargo hold permanently traumatized her. She will not voluntarily enter a crate and is terrified of the car and of all engine noises. Two hours is not as long, but still. Why on earth would you do that do a dog?
Drive to pick up your puppy.
Anon
I had to Google to see if this was a thing. I really do try not to judge on this board, but between the breeder and the distance and the pandemic, just… wow.
Anon
Does this take the cake for the most elitist question on this blog? Surely there was a rich neighborhood FB group or fan of the breed forum you could run this by.
Lilau
I’m not exactly a person of simple tastes but I’m bewildered by the fanciness of all of this. Op is describing this as if it happens often. I need to know more about people who get puppies so fancy they come from out of state and get their own flight nannies. I need cocktail parties to come back so I can meet a puppy flight nanny and hear all of her tales. I’m fascinated that this is a job. Do they flight nanny children too or just puppies? My husband wasn’t given a flight nanny to visit his father across the country as an actual human child.
Anonymous
I think this is a thing that happens and it is not necessarily “fancy,” it’s just over-the-top devotion to a particular specialty breed or breeder. Our decidedly un-fancy friends had a puppy flown across the country because they are obsessed with a particular breed. They also raw-feed their dogs, never go on vacation because one of the dogs is a maniac who can’t be boarded, etc. Based on the rest of their lifestyle you would assume they’d adopt a mutt from a shelter. They think we are the fancy ones, but our dog is a rescue dog who eats Purina.
Anon
I know someone who worked for Sotheby’s who once got to act as a “painting nanny” to fly some expensive piece of art somewhere. I want to know how to get this job.
AIMS
Not only does it happen but you can also get your dog “trained” before you get them. I know a super awful person who insists on only getting german shepherds from one super fancy breeder because “men have real dogs” and they come trained and mostly grown. It’s actually super sad in so many ways beyond “breeder” and “flight nanny”.
Anon
I don’t understand what’s bad about getting a fully trained young dog? Many rescues operate this way when possible to improve the odds of a successful placement (vs. placing puppies with first time dog owners).
Anon
Elitist maybe, but most out of touch definitely was the woman asking what to wear at rest stops on a road trip.
Anon
Where is that post? I need to see it
Anon
Back in the days of mileage runs and wanting to maintain status, I would have loved to have known that this existed. I could be your travel dog nanny (even if you don’t tip).
And FWIW, the puppy is probably small enough to fly in the passenger compartment vs the cargo hold (had an obese cat once that had to fly as cargo), so I doubt it will be traumatic.
Our neighbor got a dog that had to ride in a crate on a pickup truck to meet his new family, so I’d fly the dog to you for 2 hours vs drive 12 hours there and 12 hours back (will be 18+ with a puppy, guaranteed). Maybe $100 tip so the person can get a hotel room if they have to and then fly back (or at least get a nice meal)?
Anon
Expecting someone to use a “tip” to get a hotel room is also not ok (plus $100 isn’t going to cover a room in most places). If you’re having someone fly a dog to you and they have to spend the night because of the flight you’re asking them to take, you pay for the hotel room and meals.
Of course, this assumes there isn’t a raging global pandemic that can put lots of people in danger for a puppy that you could drive to pick up. If you want to just throw money at this (very very minor) problem, I’d pay someone to drive to get the dog.
Anonymous
I’m not a fan of unnecessary flights during the pandemic, but it’s annoying when people opt for instant outrage upon reading the word “breeder.” If you want a non-pit bull, you have to go through a breeder in my area. You literally cannot get shelter dogs that aren’t pit or Chihuahua mixes and their backgrounds are often sketchy. I don’t have a dog myself, but I would like to get one one day and if I can’t find a suitable breed at the shelter, I will 100% look for a responsible breeder and make no apologies for it. FWIW, I have a shelter cat.
pugsnbourbon
Just read back through the comments to be sure, and nobody is balking at the breeder thing. They’re dismayed that someone is asking about putting a person on a plane, during a pandemic, for a non-essential reason.
Anonymous
Nah to be fair to her I did make a dig at designer dogs and I fully meant it.
anonymous
I saw at least one comment that did, and there’s the comment about puppies being “so fancy.”
I just went though the process of researching and finding a breeder earlier this year. Got a puppy. Sorry, a “dog reactive” pit bull isn’t a good fit for me, to put it gently. In my research, I learned that the flight nanny thing is not uncommon. It sounded totally bizarre to me at first, and I still don’t think I’d ever opt for this option because of the potential trauma to the pup. But it’s not uncommon and it’s not just for “elites.” Lots of people want puppies of specific breeds and there may not be any reputable breeders around. So they go out of state to find one they think is reputable. You don’t have to be insanely wealthy to get a puppy, it’s something perfectly average people save up for. So I don’t think that it’s as indulgent as it sounds initially. I personally do not think that flying a dog necessarily is a sign of a good breeder, but these breeders are still several steps up from puppy mills and randos breeding dogs in their back yard because they “want their dog to experience motherhood” or something dumb like that. They care about their dogs but certainly aren’t breeding to better the breed or doing anything (showing, agility, obedience, or breed-specific competitions) to demonstrate that their dog’s genetics are worth being passed on.
I got my dog from a preservation breeder who has been showing for 40 years and judges competitions nationwide. All of dog’s ancestors have championship titles. Breeder has a litter every 3 years or so. She isn’t breeding to make money. Dog is healthy, flawless temperament, excellent confirmation, and breeder did an amazing job socializing her and getting her training started. If for any reason I can’t keep this dog, I am contractually obligated to give dog back to breeder. Dogs from breeders like this don’t wind up in shelters. And this dog didn’t get a home that would have gone to a shelter dog, because it just wasn’t realistic for me to adopt a dog from a shelter.
Anonymous
I don’t think she meant puppies are fancy. I think she meant a flight nanny for a puppy is fancy.
Lilau
“I got my dog from a preservation breeder who has been showing for 40 years and judges competitions nationwide. All of dog’s ancestors have championship titles.”
That was me who called it fancy. I still think this is all incredibly fancy. You have a dog, And all of it’s ancestors are champions? Dog champions? Like “best in show?” That is very fancy!
I’m really bewildered, maybe even impressed. I never said you or the op should get a shelter dog – Im not an animal person and I have no idea what a person wants in a dog. I still think “champion ancestors” is a fancy want/need. I’ve written here that I drive a fancy car and I’ve been on fancy vacations. I’m the first to cheer someone’s new jewelry purchase. I’m NOT against fancy. I’m glad you like/love your dog, and hope you enjoy him or her in good health. But it’s not NOT fancy.
Anon
It’s really hard for me to imagine a dog that’s healthy and has (actually) good conformation and also a bunch of championship titles, given what’s so often rewarded in the shows? But that may be specific to my breeds of interest, where I don’t think the successful breeders could also be called preservation breeders. Aside from the part about titles and my concerns about the major kennel clubs, this is probably how I will get a dog if I get one.
anon
A response to all of the responses to my comment — I was trying to explain why the concept of a flight nanny is not actually as fancy as it sounds. Not my the standards on this board, for sure. (I got a bonus and need to buy myself a present. Should I get a $3,000 purse or a $3,000 piece of jewelry?)
I don’t mean any of this in an antagonistic way, and I didn’t mean my first post that way. I just don’t think that “fancy” is really the proper adjective here. The way it’s being used, “fancy” to me implies some level of indulgence or unnecessary luxury. I don’t think this is any fancier than flying your kid across the country to see grandma to avoid a 12 hour drive. It’s smart to get a person to transport the dog rather than, what, putting a young puppy in cargo? Horrid. Before I did all my research I would have agreed that “show dogs” were cool I guess? but needless level of fancy and sophistication. I was not looking for a dog with parents with titles. I was honestly really surprised when I saw a copy of the pedigree (along with a 30 page manual on dog’s life and routine so far, vet records, breed specific info, info about the parents, and training, pet supply, and health recommendations.) Now I understand why it matters to get a dog from a good breeder who adheres to the breed standard. My dog will never be shown and does not have a linkedin with its pedigree posted. That’s not what matters to me. What matters is that dog comes from lines of dogs carefully selected to have good confirmation (which means fewer orthopedic issues later in life), no avoidable health issues, or temperament issues, and whose parents have been screened for genetic diseases, and whose elbows/hips/eyes have verified as healthy by third-party organizations. What matters to me is that the breeder is ethical and not simply producing poorly bred dogs for profit. Health, temperament, good early socialization, and ethical breeding are needs, not wants. It just turns out that most ethical breeders also show, and the best ones only breed their best dogs. FWIW, my dog is not of a breed that has serious issues through breeding for popular appearances (pugs or other brachiocephalic breeds, frenchies, german shepherds, etc..) nor is it a designer dog. Because the alternative is supporting an unethical breeder or going to a shelter, which has its own issues. I see stuff online, on FB and insta that is just so sad — puppy mills with slick websites that fool people, or breeders lying and pretending their dogs are purebreds when they’re not, or breeding dogs with genetics that could produce disabilities just to get “cool” coat colors. But they look legit enough to fool people. Showing (at least in this breed) and membership in certain breed-specific clubs is a quality control check. Health, temperament, and ethical breeding are needs, not wants.
And at the end of the day– dog eats its own poop if given the chance and dog’s favorite game is to be chased in a circle while I say “I’m gonna get you!” Maybe it’s just hard to view a silly little creature like this as “fancy.”
Anon
I’m the anon at 11:05 who referred to the breeder. It was not “instant outrage” at buying a dog from a breeder, but rather the fact that the breeder is currently encouraging people to use this service rather than drive to pick up their own dog combined with OP’s purchase from a non-local breeder and willingness to put a stranger at risk. We always had Golden Retrievers in my family because of their general temperament and patience with kids. You don’t find those at shelters.
Also the proud mom of a long line of shelter cats.
MWK
I would suggest asking your breeder about the standard practice. He or she could probably answer this question better than the people on this board – who clearly have very little experience with this.
And for the people on this board clearly do not live in this world, this is not unusual. Puppies, because they are small, can fly in the passenger compartment if they have a person to accompany them. It is generally considered safer than putting them in cargo. And a short flight is less stressful than a very long drive.
Anon
The easy solution here would be to just not buy a dog that lives 12 hours away…
anon
Sure but that wasn’t the question.
OP – I agree with MWK about asking the breeder for advice.
MWK
Not only was that not the question – it is not alway possible.
As someone said above, the only shelter dogs available where I live are pit bulls, tiny, or have behavioral issues. The breed specific rescues will not deal with someone who works full time. Bless people who are prepared to deal with that – but I was not. Instead, I bought the dog I wanted from a reputable breeder. Since the breed was not common, I could not buy locally – although since it was only a few hours away I could drive. I do not show myself but I know a lot of people who do and it is very common for them to buy dogs from other parts of the country – or even other countries, particularly if they are considering breeding and want to diversify their gene pool (awareness of the problems of inbreeding has fortunately become much more common).
I am not even going to start with the Covid stuff. The people on this board are so totally out of touch with how most people are living their lives right now and the compromises that are being made and that will continue to be made that I am giving up. I will only note that over a million people flew each day of the holiday weekend so that ship has sailed (or that flight has left as the case may be). And this is coming from someone who has been very careful, works from home, goes nowhere, etc. But I make my own compromises and am not going to engage in recreational judgment of people who are not violating the law.
Anonymous
Actually, I am very aware of the way most people are living their lives right now, and the way they are living their lives is the problem. Since governments are not stepping up to prohibit unnecessary travel and non-household interactions, it’s each individual’s responsibility to refrain from those behaviors that are keeping us mired in the pandemic. But apparently that’s not what Americans think individual responsibility means.
I get it–a dog is really beneficial to have right now. But if it’s that important, then OP can make the sacrifice to drive and pick it up herself with minimal stops rather than exposing the flight nanny and all the other passengers, some of whom might be traveling for essential reasons and have no other good options.
Curious
You people who have dogs available less than 12 hours away make me jealous! I swear Seattle and Washington and Oregon are just… out of dogs.
Anonymous
Everywhere is just out of dogs. That doesn’t make a plane trip right.
Anon
Yes, in my family we tip people who risk their lives flying commercial to bring us a designer dog, because it’s too risky for us to fly during a pandemic. I’d say at least a few hundred.
Essential+in+Texas
Hi – I am you. We got a new puppy from a breeder in Ohio last summer. My family keeps a rare breed, so yes, we get our dogs from a breeder. We drove to Ohio from Texas (both ways)….and it was a tough journey back. Our breeder normally flies the puppy to your house, but given the pandemic, asked us to drive to pick up. It’s a tough trip. Bottom line, I don’t think flying with a puppy is wrong. But yes, I would trip the person who delivers the puppy if it’s not the breeder.
Anon
I know there are tax people on this board – can someone tell me what’s going on? Husband and I each earn ~$150k. We each have ~$20k withheld. Husband enters his W-2 in TurboTax, it says he’s getting back $2k. He enters my W-2, it says we owe $10k, and he’s blaming me and says my tax stuff must be effed up since he was getting a refund and then my info screwed up. I have my W-4 set to 0 (I don’t know the term withholdings/deductions/credits/whatever – I tell it not to give me any special treatment and to withhold the maximum).
Does our combined income put us in some other tax bracket? Is this AMT? Should we file separately? We don’t have other special crap going on – just 401ks, mortgage interest, etc – so we’ve always easily done our taxes ourselves online.
Anon
I can’t seem to find it now, but I recall reading on a personal finance subr3ddit recently that there is a TurboTax error this year that is throwing wrong refund results for some people. I’d try another product and see what you get. FreeTaxUSA is what I use, and I have no complaints.
Anonymous
Ugh, that’s concerning. We got a refund this year that we weren’t expecting and now I’m not sure if it’s due to an error or to nuances with how we changed our withholdings and got bonuses. If you can find the link, can you please share?
Anon
Definitely, I will come back with a link if I find it.
Anon
I am not a tax professional.
$40K in taxes for $300K of income sounds very low, so I imagine that you DO owe. Whether or not the $10K figure is correct, i don’t know.
Signed, ~30% effective tax rate (federal plus state) on a $440K combined income
Anon
+1
Cat
Same, that also sounds very low to me.
Friday
+3. You are probably not withholding enough if you’re filing jointly. Since you asked, I don’t think filing separately will fix this. We just had to pay what we owed and increase our withholding the next year. Sorry.
Anon
I am also not a tax professional. But I agree that $40K sounds low, although of course there are 100s of variables here that would be too much for us to evaluate for you.
To help figure out why the two of you got such different results, does one of you get a larger portion of your income as a bonus than the other? I don’t know the details but I know that can kind of mess up the accuracy of what is withheld, that annual taxes then tries up. Does one of you invest significantly more than the other in your 401K?
Anon
IDK but my prior guess would have been marriage penalty and not changing (i.e., increasing) your withholding post-marriage. Post-TCJA, I don’t know. If you just have W-2 earnings and file a 1040-EZ or even basic 1040, it’s not hard to do — maybe half an hour using paper forms. BUT look at your prior year return — what did you earn and what did you withhold? Is anything materially different this year vs last year?
Anon
You can withhold extra above the maximum allowances set to zero. Just amend your W4 for next year and add the dollar amount you want withheld from each paycheck. I’ve been doing this for many years. In other words, even selecting zero allowances might not be withholding enough.
Anon
It’s actually pretty easy to calculate your taxes by hand in a simple situation like yours. Subtract your deductions from your taxable income and then add up the tax for each tax bracket ( you can find his online). If that’s 10k less than you’ve paid, then you owe. I think withholding is often wrong for high duel income earners, since all of the second earner’s income is in a higher tax bracket.
Anon
He can’t just enter only his info because he is married. He’s doing it all wrong and doesn’t understand basics of taxes and is being rude to you about it.
anon
This. If you’re married filing jointly, the first spouse to enter their W2 in the tax software will usually look like they are withholding too much and the second spouse will look like they are not withholding enough. This is because the first dollar of the second spouse’s income is taxed at the marginal rate applied to the last dollar of the first spouse’s income. Try entering the W2s in the opposite order and show him what happens. Filing separately is not usually the answer; increasing your joint withholding to cover the joint tax liability is.
If you both earn the same and have the same amount withheld, he’s being a big jerk. Does he expect you to cover a larger share of your joint tax liability?
Anon
This.
AnonMom
This. If he had entered your info first and then his, would he assume the blame for not withholding enough?
But OP, I would figure out what you do owe and then adjust both of your W-4 amounts to account for that.
Anonymous
+1 — If he was entering just his income but listed himself as married, it was likely applying the standard deduction for a married couple, rather than just a standard deduction for him.
Cl
This. Doesn’t matter what income he adds first, the true number doesn’t show until you’ve added all income. He’s being a dick. Also something happened after the Trump tax reform where all of the sudden neither me nor husband was withholding enough taxes from our paychecks, so had to ask payroll to up the number. Lastly, $20k is way to low in taxes for each of you on those salaries.
Anonymous
Supposedly they changed the withholding formulas to make the tax cut look bigger when people first saw their paychecks.
Senior Attorney
This. Good grief. A grown-ass man making six figures should know better than this.
anon
+ whatever. What a j3rk.
CPA Lady
You rang?
Have him delete it out and then put in your info first and then his, and the exact same thing should happen. Good grief. This is not your “fault.” I just took 2 minutes and ran this through my tax software at work and with the standard deduction it’s showing total tax due as 54k (less withholding of 40 k = you owe 14k). If you’re itemizing you’ll have less tax due. If you have kids you’ll get a tax credit for them too. It’s not AMT and you don’t need to file separately — there’s basically no difference in what you’d owe (like a $1 difference per my tax software). You just make a lot of money so you have to pay a lot in taxes.
Married filing joint does have a tax bracket that ends at 171k, so you do go up a bracket at that point. You are in the 24% bracket MFJ at 300k and in the 24% bracket MFS at 150k.
eye
You are the best.
anon
Ours did the same thing. He entered all his information first (~110k income) and we had a refund. I entered mine (also about 110k) and it swung to a similarly large (10k) owed. We still have other things to enter that should reduce our tax burden, but the swing is from both under-withholding (you can choose to withhold additional amounts on both W4s beyond “0”) and from TurboTax assuming that it’s married-filing-jointly with only one person’s income when your husband enters his first. If you had entered first, it would have done the same to him. (In fact, if you back both incomes out and enter yours first, you’ll see that happen). Your husband needs to get on the team player page here.
Anon
OP here. Thank you all, and CPA Lady, too :)
I hopped on that free tax file thing and entered my W2 first and then his and the same thing happened – refund first, then balance owed – and he calmed down then.
I went into my ADP and changed my W4 to withhold an additional $500 per month, so hopefully we won’t have this problem next year. (thankful for electronic forms making things easy!) He intends to change his when he has a chance.
Anonymous
And did he apologize??
Anonymous
I would stand over his shoulder until he does it.
Anonymous
I would be extremely concerned with your DH’s ability to do your taxes if he doesn’t understand what’s going on here.
Anon
Seriously!! He’s got some serious lack of critical thinking skills.
Anon
Agree. You guys make $300k. If he doesn’t understand this, hire a CPA. They’re not that expensive.
Anon
Your husband is a d!ck for blaming you. If he had started with you and then entered his I’m sure the same thing would have happened.
Anon
On top of the other stuff mentioned, if you were a government employee that payroll tax deferral thing from last year could also be a factor.
Anon
It’s called the marriage penalty. If he started over again and put yours in first, then his, he’d feel like his withholding was all messed up.
Frankly, and I do not mean this nicely, you two do not sound numerate enough to be doing your own taxes.
Anonymous
This level of hostility seems so uncalled for. Taxes are hard, it’s not OP’s fault they’re hard and confusing, and I really don’t see how belittling anyone helps anything.
Anon
This is a bizarre and rude comment. Most people don’t know the ins and outs of taxes but still do them just fine. Using Turbo Tax is sufficient for most people.
Anon
Also I thought the marriage penalty no longer existed for the op’s income bracket? Wouldn’t she be at 24% either way?
Anonymous
There is still a marriage penalty as compared with two single filers.
Sara
What would you recommend to wear over a solid color sheath dress that looks modern? Looking for an option other than blazers. Something more casual or creative looking. I just worry that solid sheath dresses can skew outdated fast.
Cat
Last winter I was really liking the look of a blouse layered under a sheath.
NYNY
As long as I’m not truing to look formal, I do a long open cardigan, tights, and ankle boots.
NYNY
*trying
Anon
This is fairly casual, but I sometimes wear a nice, fancy version of a crewneck sweatshirt over dresses.
Anon
Late to this but my friend was rocking an emerald green cardigan over a sheath and it looked great.
Anonymous
I have an illness that when untreated it causes my mood to be very low (depressed/hopeless) in addition to physical symptoms. When medicated I feel better almost immediately and when I stop the medication I start feeling crappy within a few days.
I am going to be unmedicated periodically while I undergo fertility treatment, which is also going to be stressful.
Does anyone have tips for managing depression on a day to day basis? I’m planning on exercising more and limiting caffeine, but any and all tips welcome.
And yes, my doctors are aware of this and are going above and beyond to keep me on my meds as much as possible.
pugsnbourbon
I’m sorry you’re experiencing this! I would be proactive about removing the daily annoyances/challenges that aren’t too bad when you feel good, but seem insurmountable when you’re depressed. Meal kit delivery, very easy, comfortable clothes, a deep clean before you stop taking meds, etc. Personally I would buy extra socks and underwear so I could put off doing laundry longer. Lean into your support network. Given that it’s cold and gross across much of the northern hemisphere, a happy lamp might help too.
Anonymous
Meditation?
Anon
Do your doctors have an integrative/alternative/functional/complementary provider they refer to? I wouldn’t normally recommend this (if the meds work, take the meds!!!), but I also feel that when you need to go off meds for some reason, this is the one thing that “complementary” medicine can be good for (and if it’s hospital affiliated, there’s a better chance it will be things that might help/shouldn’t hurt/waste of money at worse, like acupuncture, vs. something riskier to try).
anon
Here’s my “ways to get out of a funk” list from when I had some intermittent depression I didn’t want to medicate:
10-20 minute walk, call a friend, write a letter to a friend (I keep trader joe’s cards around for those), take a bath, drink tea, porch sitting, podcast I like, read an old favorite book, decaf coffee, meditate (I use the Headspace app and completely recommend it), pick out library books, bakery goodies, plan or bake a treat.
I think the other poster who mentioned reducing other stressors (ie, meal planning, or whatever your personal burdens are) is right on the money as well. Sometimes you just don’t have the energy for it. Keep some healthier frozen pizzas around, or some microwave meals that have protein & veggies for when you just can’t.
Sutemi
If there is any seasonal component at all, I would make sure you get vitamin D supplements and some daylight every day. For me, eliminating alcohol altogether can also help.
Anonymous
You know your work environment best, and I know this won’t work in some work cultures, but I have a colleague with severe anxiety who is very open about treatment. She made an announcement to us on the management team (not sure her own reports) when she was switching medicine that she was having a hard week because of it and might be slurring or not up to normal energy. I appreciated knowing that so I didn’t take anything too personal of her mood seemed off and was a little more gentle with her than normal. Maybe let a few close to you know that you’re having some hormone or steroid treatments or something else where you don’t have to go into fertility talk to help give you a little space if you know you’re going to seem off your game.
Anon
My therapist told me to avoid CATS – caffeine, alcohol, tobacco, sugar. And for me what makes a difference is both sugar and really processed/refined carbs.
Coach Laura
For me it’s daily Vitamin D (ask your doctor but I take ~5000IU a day), sublingual B-complex (sublingual makes sure that it is absorbed into the bloodstream as opposed to being blocked by the stomach/intestines). I also think you might invest in a tabletop “Happy Light” for the winter, even if you don’t have SAD. Talk to your doctor before use if you have any eye problems and read instruction re: not looking straight at the light.
Exercise is probably the most important and a good diet is second. Low in processed foods and sugars.
mascot
Any changes to your income from last year? The tax brackets shift a little each year, but if your income and tax situation haven’t changed, then it seems like your tax liability should be similar? Have you run the numbers through the IRS withholding estimator? Or, delete both W-2s and then re-enter them in the opposite order to see if the same thing happens.
emeralds
Where do intelligent women get their celebrity gossip in 2021?
Signed,
Jumped back on the Bachelor bandwagon, stumbled onto the current controversy last night, and am now wondering what else I’ve been missing.
Anon
Reddit Blogsnark’s Celebrity Gossip thread! I am addicted.
CountC
I have a “gossip” IG account which is a made up name and not connected to who I am IRL that follows the gossip accounts like InflucencersTruth, DeuxMoi, Betches, Bachelornation.Scoop, etc.
Anon
Following. I follow DeuxMoi on IG and that’s about it. Would love other recs. I fell out of gossip when Perez Hilton became popular and gossip became mean and harassing. (I much preferred Pink is the new Blog, I thought he was much kinder/ more respectful, but I’d love to go back and see if I still think that through 2021 eyes.) Pretty much the exact time of Britney’s downfall that is so talked about now.
I want someone to write an essay about older millennials/ young GenX who followed gossip. We grew up with Monica Lewinsky and Princess Diana constantly skewered in the media, then hit adulthood along with Paris and Nicole and Britney (LiLo was young but there too) and… then what? I remember Dan Schneider and Harvey Weinstein and Brian Singer being “open secrets” back then. Is this reckoning we’re seeing being driven by the braver of that generation? Or is it the younger ones – and what caused that change?
emeralds
They talked about that in Framing Britney–that folks in our generation, who grew up with those inputs and saw how horribly these women were treated, are now entering higher level-positions where they have the chance to shape media conversations/coverage/framing. (I’m sure I’m eliding a lot of nuance in that.)
Monday
Lainey Gossip, Deux Moi, and Blind Gossip are my favorites. The Who? Weekly podcast is hilarious: gossip about people who make you say “who?”
Blair Waldorf
@deuxmoi on instagram! I am too old to know 50% of the subjects but I like it. Lots of bachelor content, including reports of cast members out and about (including the so-called happy couple)
emeralds
Thanks y’all!
Elle
Hi! I’ve heard you should be in a job for two years in a job before having baby. Do you think it should be two years before you actually have the baby or two years before trying to get pregnant? I got offered a great new job and I’m planning on taking it but it’s pushing back our timeline for TTC.
Cat
idk where you heard that, but I don’t think it’s a universal rule. Do check the benefits details – you might need or want to negotiate an earlier date for paid leave (that might be where the 2 years comes from; in some cases employers say you only get STD but no other paid leave until you have worked there x amount of time).
I’d probably wait about 6-9 months before TTC if you aren’t in a rush (so that you’re having the baby 18mos-2 yrs after your start date) so that you aren’t worrying about trying to make a first impression if you, for example, are blessed with all day morning sickness.
NYC
2 years before birth of baby. Some people recommend less time but they seem to discount the decreased productivity during pregnancy itself. I prefer to have a good run of solid work banked before pregnancy
Anon
+1
Curious
+1 that this is something at least to take into account, though other factors of course also matter.
Signed, vomited this morning and oh yes I need to meet Amazon’s performance bar
Walnut
I ended up oops pregnant the same month I started a new job. Ideal? Heck no, but it all worked out just fine in the end.
Anon
How long to wait depends on why you’re waiting and why your TTC timing is what it is.
I have no regrets about going out on maternity leave for my second baby almost exactly when job protection and paid maternity leave took effect (a year into the job). However, I got my health insurance through my spouse’s job and had plenty of savings, so would have been fine if I had to go on bed rest earlier in the pregnancy. For my own reasons, having the baby sooner was way more important to me than having more time in the job before pregnancy and maternity leave.
Anon
I don’t think there’s a rule. In the US, you might want to wait 12 months before taking leave so that you get fmla. I went out on leave 13 months after starting my job. It was a second baby and we started trying a few months after I started the job. Easy pregnancy and my work was fine. I guess I could have waited but I wanted a small age gap between my kids. I’m a senior associate at a firm. I wouldn’t let a job change your ttc plans all that much. You never know how long it will take.
Anon
Don’t wait two years – wait one so that you’re protected by FMLA (if applicable) but you do not owe a company years of your life.
AFT
No hard and fast rule. I did make a rule for myself that I wanted to have a solid first year of work under my belt before I told my last boss that I was pregnant, so that worked out to having kid at least ~1.5 years into the job. FMLA eligibility (and sometimes paid leave eligibility) kicks in at 1 year, but that’s from date of birth so really you’d only need to hit pause for 3 mos into the job.
Anon
Who here has had COVID, and if you have, do you know where you got it?
I’m listening to Rachel Wilkerson Miller’s podcast and she was completely locked down, went absolutely nowhere except to take her dog out, double masked inside her building hallways, and she still got COVID. It’s freaking me out, like, should I stop getting the mail? I already WFH, have groceries delivered, live alone, mask outside on walks. I don’t know what more I can do to lock down.
I’m realizing there are two separate COVID fears: fear of GETTING it and fear of spreading it. I am fairly confident I couldn’t spread it to anyone because I never see anyone. But I’m still scared of GETTING it and I don’t know what else I can do to prevent that.
Yes, I am anxious and crazy.
Anon
I am disappointed that I haven’t gotten it. I have kids, they went to camp this summer. I got exposed once (that I know of). I grocery shop and go places on the regular, only masking inside or at the takeout window. I go to my office when I can (trading off with spouse, our schools are STILL closed). I’ve eaten unmasked in restaurants. All of my tests are negative. I give blood regularly and that still shows zero antibodies. My city is a hotspot for my area. I use hand sanitizer when I remember, but often I don’t. I don’t sanitize groceries and don’t quarantine my mail.
At some point in the future, scientists may find that some people are very susceptible and some people are high spreaders. And maybe people like me (pretty hearty, just allergies and twice daily sinus rinsing for that) are not? Or are lucky? IDK how to explain it.
Anon
This is me except for the indoor dining, and no one in my house has gotten it, either. Obviously luck is involved. I know people who lived with Covid+ family members who weren’t able to isolate and didn’t get infected, so clearly there’s more we don’t know about infection and transmission.
Anon
I’m certainly not disappointed I didn’t get it, however. I don’t want to get it for a number of reasons.
Anon
I didn’t want to get it, but I would be relieved if I had been done with it. Quarantining when you don’t have it is a PITA. And I’m probably not done with that . . . I’d also have known by now if I had an easy case or were still concerned being a potential long-hauler / worst case scenario. I just want to be done. I’m probably last on the list to be vaccinated, so no way to speed up the end for me.
Anon
You wouldn’t be done with it if you’d had it. People can catch it twice. I know someone who did. She was sick in Feb 2020 before it was really a thing in the US, later tested positive for antibodies, then got it again in December 2020. Positive test, both rapid and the longer one. She says she was equally sick both times.
KW
I think some of it is luck, but apparently some of it is due to other things like blood type. Apparently people with type O blood are 20% less likely to get COVID, and people with AB are 20% more likely. 20% seems high, imo. But that’s what I’ve read.
anon
Another take: You also may have had it and simply been without symptoms. I also think describing it as being “disappointed” is really gross as someone who has lost two extended family members now and have a former boss who is so exhausted several months later that he can barely hold his job. Maybe check your perspective a little.
Anon
I’m not one to cite the Daily Mail as gospel, but it amuses me and I need amusements now.
At any rate, yesterday, there was an article re how CA (big lockdowns) is doing as well as FLA (no lockdowns, Floridiots and vacationers galore) in terms of #s going down. I can’t explain that, but it is hella good news (our #s are going down, too).
Anon
Everyone I’ve known to get it have been trumpers so their whole lives are one exposure after the next, they have no idea which of the unmasked or indoor activities they contracted it from. However anyone I’ve known who has been cautious has not gotten it.
Cat
I only know three people IRL who have had it (all recovered smoothly thankfully). One did a big extended family multi-household vacation thing – everyone came home with it. One is a hospital physician. One is a college student.
I’d say my circle is reasonably responsible (some occasional riskier behavior like travel, but not, for example, indoor dining or indoor mingling with other households) and is definitely privileged in the ability to work from home and pay for delivery services.
Anon
I know of a doctor and her family who got it (but I think it was through her kids and her ex’ house) and a friend who was moving back from an overseas posting (so who knows — international move + international travel), all mild and all recovered. In a household with kids, it was hard for those people to deal with weeks of consecutive people getting sick but at least only 1-2 were down at any given time.
Anonymous
No, you’re not anxious and crazy. We’re in a global pandemic that has thrown us all for a loop and it’s really concerning and alarming when someone gets COVID like that woman did.
The only people I know who had COVID who could identify the exposures clearly had very obvious exposures. One woman was in a room for over an hour with a coworker who was exposed (no masks, somewhat early in pandemic). The others were similar.
Anon
You can greatly lower your chance of getting COVID and severity with lower viral load, and still be in the wrong place at random. Chance is a funny thing. You easily could have walked into a recently coughed in part of the hallway after you forgot, or went around, eye protection and got it through your eyeball. Or picked at your eye or grabbed food unconsciously without washing. It sucks but random chance is just that, random
anonnnn
Unless she is wearing an N95 mask, she got it passing someone in the hallway or while taking her dog out. She did not get it from her groceries or packages. I have had it and I know exactly how I got it, so my anecdata isn’t going to help you (I got it from being around a person who had it). 6′ is not a magic number, double masking with a non-N95 mask isn’t a magic solution, and being indoors with anyone increases your risk – yes, even in a hallway.
FWIW – I got it and it was a very mild case, milder than the person I caught it from. Unless you are high risk, I wouldn’t be that freaked out about it. All of my friends and family members of friends who have caught and who are not high-risk have recovered. Was it paradise for everyone? Of course not, but I’m glad I already had it (although I am still taking all of the same precautions I did previously – minus seeing a person inside again, of course).
Anon
People are terrible at self-reporting their activities. I like Rachel. Either she was shockingly unlucky or she or her girlfriend are not accurately self-assessing their contacts.
I don’t think you can or should do anything differently. Even taking precautions there was always some tiny chance of getting Covid.
Anon
DH and I got it, and are sure it was from indoor dining at a particular restaurant. We have been dining “in” since it was allowed here back in June 2020, always going to the same 4 places. Recently we met up with a friend of DH’s at a different place we had not been to for a couple of years. Procedures at this new places seemed fine, same as they’ve been at other restaurants. DH, the friend and I all got sick 3 days later, so I don’t think the friend already had it and gave it to us. The only real difference I can spot between the restaurant where we seem to have gotten infected, and the others we’ve been eating as, is that the new restaurant has a lower ceiling, which would probably effect the ventilation. We were sick enough that I don’t want to catch it again, but not so sick that I regret dining indoors since our state allows it and the precautions the restaurants take appear to work most of the time. I just won’t go back to this particular low-ceilinged restaurant any time soon. FWIW I have worked at home since March 2020, don’t run unnecessary errands, and have worn masks as required at the grocery store, etc – I feel like I have made a good faith effort to avoid catching/spreading, but I have not been overly anxious about it.
Anonymous
Lol this is so dumb. You just got lucky the previous times!
anonnnn
+1 lol – you are indoor dining – you are not making a good faith effort to avoid catching/spreading it.
Anon
My city is a bit of a hotspot and everyone I know in their 20s has gotten it and had very mild cases. This is a group that largely lives with roommates in apartments with interior hallways and elevators and also has BFs/GFs who live similarly, so bubbles are a bit loose, even if things are dialed back significantly from before COVID. Even among them, it is random how one of a couple gets it and a bed partner or roommate does not even though it seems like there’s no way they avoided it.
Among the slighly older group (living in houses, often a married couple or singleton with no roommates), the rate is a lot less, as their gatherings are mainly outside or limited inside at their house (restaurants are largely takeout or terrace eating), I know of fewer cases, again all mild. I don’t know of anyone with a severe case (but acknowledge the outliers are horrifying). People are pretty good re mask wearing and trying to be outside as much as possible.
Anon
I haven’t had it, and I feel like it would be a miracle if I got it since neither I nor my husband is ever within 20 feet of anyone, have everything delivered, and we always wear KN95s if we so much as take out the trash or go on a walk (and no one is ever around).
Most of the people I know who have had it have had essential jobs without adequate PPE and often a public transportation commute as well.
Anon
Well, “essential” jobs, I guess, since that includes a lot of waitstaff and bartenders serving people for whom “drinking at a bar” or “dining out indoors” is apparently essential.
Anonymous
That is an odd story. I have broken every single rule (except no travel) and socialize regularly with others who have (including travel), too, and not gotten Covid. I think there is still a lot we don’t understand about this virus.
Anonymous
Adding that my mother got Covid and we know exactly where she got it — from.household help. My father did not get it. He did not closely interact with the carrier and while they live together, I think my mother was sleeping in a different room then.
Z
You haven’t gotten it because you got lucky. People refusing to follow the rules are one of the reasons we’re still in this mess.
Anonymous
Thank you. I can stop all contemplation now.
Anon
Seriously. It’s not some special aspect of this virus. We know how viruses work already, that’s not new science.
Anonymous
I am not suggesting there is. But I am wondering if some people are more susceptible and if so, who. And I am also contemplating, and looking for evidence about whether, once you have allowed massive spread like we have (not my call, not my preference), what rules/precautions have a real effect and which are of limited or marginal benefit. I was an early masker, I have isolated and tested at the slightest symptom or exposure multiple times, and I have avoided large gatherings, crowded spaces, and travel, but I’ve done pretty much everything else, and I have had the same result as people who have not left their homes since March. I probably lose on the ethics meter. I know I am rolling the dice. But I am certain I would have lost my boyfriend and at least one other friend to suicide along the way if we had completely locked down. I am still not sure we are out of the woods — many friends casually and surprisingly reference suicide these days. Most of the fledgling businesses in my neighborhood are open only because my neighbors and friends took some risks and patronized them. I have lost a lot of income and career traction due to working mostly at home. Was it worth it? We had multiple cases of Covid in my small office, two symptomatic and working on site (WTF?!!), but also zero intraoffice spread and most of them also avoided passing it among family. I’m not advocating for anything here, or presenting scientific hypotheses, but it sure does make me think.
Anonymous
– my sister had it; she is a clinician in a nursing home with an outbreak. That’s where she got it.
– my aunt got it; she was going into work and someone in her shared office building had it.
– my daughter has been a close contact 3x at daycare. Adults are masked but she (<2) is not. She’s had 8 COVID swabs since this summer and has always been negative. My oldest sits next to a girl (6’ apart) at school who had COVID. Oldest never got it.
We do outdoor sports, host play dates with our immediate neighbors unmasked (our kids go to separate schools but we are each others backup care). My kids have had indoor (masked) play dates. All 3 of my kids have been going to daycare/PK/elem at least 2 days/week all year. We grocery shop in person and do select in person activities. We don’t eat inside but we did eat outside until it got cold.
DH and I WFH but my mom is a part time elem teacher who has been in person and in our bubble all along.
Knock on wood, no COVID for us. We wear masks and wash hands and stay away from people that are sick.
Anonymous
I strongly believe that little kids are not good vectors. They can get it, but it’s not little kids who pass it.
Anon
Everyone used to think this… until more research came out suggesting the opposite. I don’t know what conclusions will ultimately be reached, but there’s no basis for this “strong belief” currently.
Curious
Friend got it from her 14 month old so that’s fun.
anon
Do you have some kind of underlying condition that puts you at a particularly high risk of severe complications? If not, I honestly wouldn’t worry too much about getting it. I know over a dozen people who have gotten it- aged 30s through 60s- and they had basically a cold for 10 days. The vast majority of people recover just fine.
Abby
I’m sorry you’re worried about getting it. DH is a doctor and told me last March that it was “when” we got it, not “if”, and it really took away some fear for me. We know so many people who’ve had it, it’s numbed me a little, but luckily nothing terrible has happened to anyone.
Majority are doctors/nurses/in the hospitals. Two are not in the medical field but their significant others are – one of which the actual doctor in the relationship didn’t get it (tested for antibodies and everything).
I had a friend who got it, has 2 roommates and a girlfriend, all who didn’t get it. It seems so random and confusing how some could get it from a stranger at the grocery store, but others won’t pass it on to people sleeping in the same bed as them.
If it makes you less anxious, DH has been going to work this entire time, has had countless covid exposures, but wears a mask the entire time, and we both have not gotten it.
Anonymous
“When” matters a whole lot, though. If I can’t avoid it completely, I don’t want to have it until after I’m vaccinated and likely to have a less severe case, and after they’ve gotten the whole long COVID thing figured out so I can avoid permanent cognitive disability.
Anon
Yeah it’s the long haul symptoms for me. I’d rather not get it at all. We’ve only scratched the surface on long term effects.
I’m high risk anyway (autoimmune disease, lung scarring, obesity but not severe enough obesity to get a shot) so I’m a hermit. I would be very surprised if I got it but nothing is impossible right now.
Anon
This might be a controversial comment but I don’t believe anyone who says they “don’t know” where they got COVID. COVID is transmitted through someone essentially spitting into your face–there’s a reason “exposure” is characterized as unmasked, more than 10 minutes, less than 6 feet apart. I think the people who claim they don’t know where they got it either had an unusually long incubation period before symptoms showed but are only considering places they could’ve gotten it within the previous two weeks, or know exactly where they got it and don’t want to cop to it. FWIW, I live in one of the hardest hit areas of the country and know a ton of people who have had it, including probably 60% of my extended family, and have found this to be true across the board.
Anonymous
The people who “don’t know” where they got it are the people who have the most exposure. Like my friend who is flying on airplanes, attending weddings, eating in restaurants, and has no idea how her family caught it.
Anon
Almost everyone I know well who has had COVID caught it through a mask. I know one person who caught it from an unmasked outdoor conversation. But the masks people are using aren’t actual PPE, and you can still catch it with a mask especially if people around you aren’t masked.
Coach Laura
Anxious here too. I am totally freaked out about getting is, as I have a 15-30% risk of death, according to medical studies. I have a compromised immune system from lymphoma/lymphoma treatment, so I’ve been pretty rabid, even stopped public transit in Seattle in February 2020 before the first know US/Seattle case. I don’t go into stores, don’t go into restaurants, have pick-up/delivery, don’t see family or friends indoors, didn’t see my two adult kids indoors for 10 months. I’ve only been in to the doctor’s office and dentist office, but had to go in with my parents in addition. And I always wear the best KN95 mask I can buy. I work from home and know that I’m lucky to do so. I did have one indoor meal in August when cases were so low, and we had a private dining room and there were like 2 other parties in the whole restaurant.
Now that my kids have had both of their vaccines and my hubby and I had our first Moderna dose, we did have a three-day airbnb getaway with our kids at a remote beach house and that was heavenly. (Moderna is known to be 80% effective after one dose, in normal immune-system people, so we had a small but reasonable risk.)
Looking forward, after my second dose I’m not going to change much if anything. 100% masked with KN95. Will eat outdoors in the summer when more people have been vaccinated, but not indoors. If I have to help my parents at their condo or my MIL at hers, I won’t freak out because they’ve all had both their vaccine doses. I’m going to fight to work at home until herd immunity is reached, although doctors say that won’t necessarily protect me. I hope to protect others as much as I protect myself.
fara
Another tax question – if I donated about $500 in 2020 is it worth declaring it on my taxes somehow?
anonnnn
Not unless your itemized deductions are greater than the standard deduction.
Anonymous
+1 — you would have to have a lot of deductions to exceed the standard deduction ($12.4K for single, $24.8K for married couple). $500 charitable donation doesn’t make a dent in that.
Anon
This is bad advice. Read the next comments.
CPA Lady
ACTUALLY YES. Because this year they are letting you take a charitable deduction up to $300 even if you don’t itemize.
Anon
+1
anonymous
I think this year they are allowing any charitable donations up to $300 to be deducted even if you don’t itemize.
Anon
This.
Jeffiner
Yes, we got that deduction even though we didn’t itemize.
Anon
Can’t answer your question, but just want to say – it’s ok to be anxious and crazy. We are living in a pandemic. Hang in there.
Anon
Thank you! It helps to hear that.
AnonTaxes
I feel like I should know this, but I have the same question every year. Our HHI is high (>$500k+). Every year, our tax advisor tells us not to bother w deductions for donations. Why?
Anon
Because you have to itemize to get charitable deductions (in a normal year, see above thread about this year) and if you don’t have enough other things to itemize to get you over the standard deduction it doesn’t matter. Although, frankly, with an income that high I think you could exceed the standard deduction alone in charitable donations easily if you wanted to.
Friday
Do I need to send a “goodbye” email to my team? I’m on a team of seven people. My team is aware I’m leaving: all contractors are being let go due to budget constraints. They are not backfilling my position. There are no hard feelings; I just don’t feel like sending a goodbye email. They all have my personal cell phone number. Can you think of any reason I should?
Anon
There’s no reason not to. Why burn a bridge when it would take 10 minutes to do this?
Shelle
I’ve received these from retiring or otherwise departing coworkers in the past and I’ve really appreciated it. It’s little things like this which have taught me about the importance of interpersonal skills and how to interact with others, especially earlier in my career when I was brand new to office etiquette. And this past year has been tough, I sure wouldn’t mind something warm and fuzzy from a person I’ve worked closely with and gotten to know.
Anon
If you want them to save your contact info, then yes, send an email.
Anon
Coworkers could easily end up at another company in the future and you would like them to remember you when contracting opportunities arise at that company. I am a newly self employed consultant and that is how I’ve gotten 80% of my gigs in the 12 month period I’ve been doing it.
“Hi everyone. Just wanted to remind you that today is my last day here. I’ve enjoyed working with all of you and I hope our paths cross in the future. Let’s keep in touch.
Friday”
Just use that. You’re welcome!
Cowl Necks for Video Calls
Favorite cowl neck tops for video calls? Links would be helpful.
anne-on
I have this in 3 colors, soft, very warm, washes well – just hang to dry.
https://www.talbots.com/funnel-neck-button-detail-sweater/P204121696.html
Anokha
I bought the Ugg Sage cowl neck pullover (which was recommended here) and it looks AWESOME over Zoom. That said, it’s like… an inch too short, so I layer it over a tank top.
Anon
I’d like to learn a new skill and am looking for ideas. I want to find something that results in a tangible result (like basketweaving) or real skill (like playing an instrument). I don’t want to take an academic class (like history or language) because I’m pretty sure I’ll just forget everything in a few months. Have you developed any of these types of skills or do you have any that you want to develop?
Senior Attorney
This is the biggest cliche in the whole wide pandemic world, but honestly learning how to bake has been hugely satisfying. I can make all kinds of different breads and rolls and bagels and pizza dough and you name it now. It’s dirt cheap and delicious and I will never go back to buying baked goods again. And it’s great because you can start with easy projects (no-knead bread, anyone?) and work up to harder ones (still haven’t quite mastered baguettes although it’s still fun to eat the not-quite perfect ones).
Anon
I am in progress on learning to watercolor and play the tongue drum. Not great at either, but both are very fun to do. Picked up both during the pandemic.
Anon
If you have the space, gardening is a lot of fun.
Anon
I’ve focused on crochet and knitting and a little embroidery. I can do something small or big depending on how quickly I want a tangible result, and it’s actually useful. I’m wrapped in a blanket I made in the fall right now. My kids are wearing some scarves I made to school. I decorated the zoom-visible area of the wall behind my head in a few stitched hoops (thanks to BadassCrossStich for patterns!) I’m going to try making a few baby blankets next for the coming covid baby boom in my circle of friends and family, and if I get brave I may try amigurumi (crocheted stuffed animals).
Anan
I’m learning to juggle. I actually find it a good blend of relaxing and mentally engaging.
I also am taking a drawing class through the local community college and I feel like i’m learning a lot about how to look at objects and also using different mediums to draw.
anon
I took a woodworking class that was super fun (https://www.womenswoodshop.com/Classes). I can recommend the chip carving class (and chip carving!)
anon
Unless you are doing itemized deductions (i.e. you take the standard deduction) you can only claim up to $300 in one year. However, you can claim the remainder the following year (from what I understand).
Audiobooks?
I’ve started listening to audiobooks while on the treadmill so I can combine reading and working out, rather than just laying around reading. I am struggling to find good things to listen to though. Any suggestions? I am not a picky reader at all, I just want something that is gripping enough to get me lost in it while I’m running. A lot of the books that sound good just have awful narrators…maybe I’m expecting too much? I want inflections while reading, not just monotone voices…
Anon
I’m with you. Some of the narrators are so horrible, I just can’t get into it. So far the only ones I’ve been able to tolerate are Brene Brown and Glennon Doyle reading the books they’ve written. If you’re interested in those types of books, I would highly recommend them. As for fiction, I’ve gotten a few duds in a row so I’m at a standstill and my Audible credits are just stacking up. Interested in any other recommendations.
Anonymous
I liked Hausfrau, particularly the narrator.
Anonymous
I also enjoyed Winter’s Bone id you haven’t already read that.
Anon
I find fun-ish nonfiction, like a celebrity I’m amused by reading their own biography, the best for audiobooks personally. (Although I try fiction on occasion). I feel like with fiction I agree, there have been so many times where I just can’t get past the narrator trying poorly to be different voices, or doing weird accents or something.
anon
I don’t enjoy audiobooks much, but the ones that have captured my full attention are nonfiction books where the author is also the narrator.
Anonymous
Same, with a few exceptions.
I am also a theatre-goer in other times and enjoy listening to plays on Audible, esp. now that I can’t attend any live.
Vicky Austin
Check out Modern Mrs. Darcy! They have a few good discussions about this over there. Some that I have liked recently:
The Good House by Ann Leary (read by the author)
Coming To My Senses by Alice Waters (read by the author)
Anything I can get my hands on read by Juliet Stevenson
The Six by Laura Thompson (read by Maggie Mash)
For me, figuring out if I’d like a book better as an audiobook or as text is a crapshoot.
Sloan Sabbith
+1 to Modern Mrs Darcy! As always, love that blog.
The Good House is excellent narration (although it is not narrated by the author). At first the narration is a little bit grating but once you understand how perfectly it fits the character, it’s great.
House in the Cerulean Sea has absolutely delightful narration. i just loved how the narrator voiced the different magical creatures.
If you can find the version of The Martian recorded by R.C. Bray, it’s excellent. I like Will Wheaton less as a narrator.
I really liked The Four Wind’s narration, by Julia Whelan. She also narrates The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue, which is a great book. Other books she’s narrated that I liked: The Great Alone, Giver of Stars.
If you like WWII historical fiction, I really liked the narration on Code Name Helene, as well as the narration on Winds of War, War and Remembrance, and the Caine Mutiny. Code Name Helene was about the WWII spy, Nancy Wake- I’d never heard of her but she was incredible.
I really like Jim Dale’s narration of Harry Potter, even as an adult. It’s a totally different experience than reading them.
Burial Rites is about the last woman executed in Iceland, and the narration is wonderful- the narrator is a Scottish accent, but she pronounces the Icelandic farms and cities beautifully. It really sets the scene well.
Trevor Noah narrates his own memoir, Born a Crime, and his accent is amazing.
Shadows of the Wind has great narration- very….IDK, fitting to the feel of the book?
The Secret Diary of Hendrik Groen, Aged 83 and 1/4 definitely sounds like it’s being narrated by a cranky old man, so that’s perfect.
All of Chimamanda Ngozie Adichie’s books have great narration, but especially Half of a Yellow Sun.
I LOVE the Rosamunde Pike narration of Pride and Prejudice. I had never read it and listened to it and was enthralled.
Michelle and Barack Obama both narrate their own books and they’re very good at it.
ThirdJen
Claire Danes read The Handmaid’s Tale and she is monotone, but it really works for the text. I’m currently listening to The Once and Future Witches, whose reader is fantastic. I also finished The First Sister, whose readers were exceptional (there is a nonbinary character whose reader is one of my favorites)
Have you considered radio plays or recordings of plays? I got a lot of mileage out of recordings of The Tempest and Macbeth when I had a long commute. Old school Hitchhiker’s Guide or Monty Python sketches could be good too.
Cb
Ooh, I just finished Motherwell by Deborah Orr and the Scottish narration was superb. I just started A Burning, and the narrators switch between characters which might be more engaging to your ear.
anonypotamus
My very first audiobook was Handmaid’s Tale, narrated by Claire Danes. I was hooked! I am currently listening to the follow-up, The Testaments and it is also excellent. You can usually listen to a sample to find out if the narrator is good or not. I find I like historical fiction, or narrative-style non-fiction (like Erik Larson, although his are so detailed, it is sometimes hard to keep track of everything!) Other ones I have enjoyed on audio book: Code Name Verity, All the Light We Cannot See, and the Good Earth.
Anonymous
Where the Crawdads Sing and the Harry Potter series are absolutely amazing as audiobooks. Incredibly immersive and a much better experience than actually reading the books, which is rare for me!
EM84
+1 on Harry Potter! And I also like old Agatha Christie’s Poirot
Sloan Sabbith
Agree with both!
Anonymous
Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil! Don’t know the narrator, and this was a million years ago when I read it. But I still have wonderful memories of listening to it on a long solo road trip.
BB
I listen to tons of audiobooks, probably like one every 2 weeks from the library via Libby. But I am very into Sci-Fi and doesn’t sound like your genre. However, the Audie Awards for best narrators is a thing! Maybe try something from their winners list?
Notinstafamous
@ BB – sci fi / fantasy audiobooks are very much my thing! Any favourites? I’m currently just working my way chronologically through the Hugo and Nebula shortlists.
BB
Ooo! Yay! Okay, the ones with good narrators and a simple enough story that you can listen while working out (which is what I do): Pretty much all the Seanan McGuire books, A Natural History of Dragons, The Illuminae Files (YA book, but the audio production is top notch, almost like a play, and it’s an exciting story); Fledgling by Octavia Butler, Binti by Nnedi Okorafor, The Shades of Magic series by VE Schwab. All the Terry Pratchett audiobooks have amazing narration. I also loved the Broken Earth audiobooks, but it’s a complex enough story that you have to pay attention more. Same with the Ancillary Justice series.
Sloan Sabbith
Check back later and I’ll recommend! On my phone now and don’t feel like typing.
Ananjoyd
Two i’ve enjoyed lately- This Tender Land and An American Spy. Both really engaging narratives with good narrators. Also- A Long Way Down by Jason Reynolds. When I first started audiobooks I listened to a lot off YA fiction – the plots were usually really fast moving and kept me interested. The Hunger Games Trilogy was pretty good on audiobook.
I also like to listen at 1.20x speed- I find that helps with the monotone sometimes.
No Face
If you like any comedians, see if they have memoirs in audiobook format. Generally hilarious and engaging.
Anything with chocolate
+1 Trevor Noah’s book made me laugh out loud many times!
Anonymous
Random seek: organizations or nonprofits that are still sending 2021 paper calendars right now? It looks like Sierra Club’s calendar is sold out. Any other organizations? Trying to send one to my elderly parent. Can’t simply order one from a store because they’ve used the free/gift calendars all their life and buying them calendar would result in “that’s so wasteful” comments for all of eternity. But if a calendar showed up in their mail from an organization, they might use it! Bonus points for beautiful pictures and environmentally minded causes. My parent is super frugal but yet can be persuaded to sending donations…might as well divert them to some good causes.
Anonymous
Our local Golden Retriever rescue still has calendars available at www dot adoptagolden dot com
The pictures are more adorable than beautiful, though.
Notinstafamous
The Royal astronomical society of Canada has a GORGEOUS calendar: https://www.rasc.ca/observers-calendar
Anon.
Ducks Unlimited?
Hooray
If I do nothing else today, I can sleep soundly knowing I got my mom, dad and (v high risk)sister all scheduled to have first round vaccines by the 27th. It’s so discouraging how hard it is to schedule the vaccine (I’m in MA – is it like this everywhere??). I have a desk job and only had success because I’ve been on conference calls all day, just refreshing nonstop since 9am. Anyhow, I just booked the third and final about 10 mins ago. Hooray. Light at the end of the tunnel, I see you!
And, as an aside, no wonder vaccines aren’t being administered equitably across socioeconomic classes, geographies and races. My white collar finance job has me in front of a screen all day, so I could just refresh for hours and hours like I did. If I had to be doing anything else it’d be down right impossible, if not just discouraging enough to toss my hands up and walk away. I’m venting into the abyss because I don’t have a solution, but what an eye opening experience that just was.
Anon
Good for you for advocating for your loved ones. Three more vaccinated people, no matter what color they are or how much money they have, is a societal good.
You don’t have to solve all of society’s problems today. Give yourself a break. You’ve done a good thing today.
Anon
Ps
Within months we are going to be less worried about vaccine availability and more worried about vaccine resistance. Expect to see no lines and a lot of outreach to people who don’t trust vaccines, or just this vaccine.
Anon
This may be true, but it doesn’t help the thousands and thousands of people who will die in that time despite the fact that they qualify to get the vaccine today. And the fact that the majority of them will be low-income and people of color is just disgraceful. These is no reason the system needed to be set up to benefit those who can spend hours in front of a computer refreshing a screen
Anon
I agree with you. I’m just saying that it’s not OP’s problem to solve and she can feel good about doing what she is able to do.
OP
OP here — thanks!
My company sells software B2B. It’s a very small company and my role until now has been helping and training new users. The role I would move into would be a combo role. Thanks!
Sloan Sabbith
+1 to Modern Mrs Darcy! As always, love that blog.
The Good House is excellent narration (although it is not narrated by the author). At first the narration is a little bit grating but once you understand how perfectly it fits the character, it’s great.
House in the Cerulean Sea has absolutely delightful narration. i just loved how the narrator voiced the different magical creatures.
If you can find the version of The Martian recorded by R.C. Bray, it’s excellent. I like Will Wheaton less as a narrator.
I really liked The Four Wind’s narration, by Julia Whelan. She also narrates The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue, which is a great book. Other books she’s narrated that I liked: The Great Alone, Giver of Stars.
If you like WWII historical fiction, I really liked the narration on Code Name Helene, as well as the narration on Winds of War, War and Remembrance, and the Caine Mutiny. Code Name Helene was about the WWII spy, Nancy Wake- I’d never heard of her but she was incredible.
I really like Jim Dale’s narration of Harry Potter, even as an adult. It’s a totally different experience than reading them.
Burial Rites is about the last woman executed in Iceland, and the narration is wonderful- the narrator is a Scottish accent, but she pronounces the Icelandic farms and cities beautifully. It really sets the scene well.
Trevor Noah narrates his own memoir, Born a Crime, and his accent is amazing.
Shadows of the Wind has great narration- very….IDK, fitting to the feel of the book?
The Secret Diary of Hendrik Groen, Aged 83 and 1/4 definitely sounds like it’s being narrated by a cranky old man, so that’s perfect.
All of Chimamanda Ngozie Adichie’s books have great narration, but especially Half of a Yellow Sun.
I LOVE the Rosamunde Pike narration of Pride and Prejudice. I had never read it and listened to it and was enthralled.
Michelle and Barack Obama both narrate their own books and they’re very good at it.