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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 203 Comments · by

Splurge Monday’s TPS Report: Heldina Dress

The Personal Shopper (TPS)

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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. BOSS Hugo Boss Heldina DressHappy Monday! I continue to like the menswear influence on women's fashion, including this great windowpane dress from BOSS Hugo Boss. Great neckline, great sleeves, great hem length — and I love the contrast created by the skinny belt and the thick black hem. Lovely. It's $575 at Bloomingdale's. BOSS Hugo Boss Heldina Dress Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-2)

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Comments

  1. KC

    At first glance, I didn’t like the band of black near the hem, but on reconsidering, I think the dress wouldn’t look as finished without it.

    Plus, you can’t go wrong with windowpane!

    • tesyaa

      I think this dress looks like a tunic over a pencil skirt, which isn’t a look I admire.

      • Anon

        Hope you’ve never driven a VW or a Mercedes, used an IBM computer, or taken a Bayer aspirin.

          • Anonymous

            Walked down the aisle to the Beatles. Thanks for all the “concern,” though. Its a completely personal decision, obviously. But, yes, I try to avoid Nazis and businesses that supported and profited from Nazis Germany.

          • LH

            “Here Comes the Bride” aka Wagner’s Bridal Chorus is not used in Jewish weddings for that reason

      • bananagram

        The use of slave labor and support of the Nazi regime is deplorable, of course. What is the point now, however, of boycotting every company with a sordid past? Everyone with direct involvement in that part of the company’s history is dead. I feel it’s like refusing to speak to the grandchildren of camp guards. I obviously have an opinion on this, but I’d really like to hear the other side of this argument because I don’t understand where you’re coming from.

        • Also Curious

          Where do you draw the line? If we boycott every company (or companies with a “sordid parent” in their lineage) with a sordid past, there will be few from which anyone can buy today. Railroad construction (Chinese and Irish laborers), mining operations (Irish laborers) and clothing manufacturing (women) in US history come to mind. As for the companies associated with Nazi Germany, many have paid significant reparations. My maternal grandparents received reparation payments. Like banangram, I am also curious to hear the other side. I am able to make a distinction between VW using slave labor in the 1930s and today’s VW which bears little resemblance to its historical parent company because it’s history. I have a harder time reconciling what my people are doing in the West Bank today than I would with purchasing a Hugo Boss dress today.

    • Bonnie

      I don’t like the black band. To me, it looks like they ran out of the windowpane material.

  2. Mastectomy - Gift Ideas?

    I was wondering what might be a useful batch of things for a gal who’s having a mastectomy and lymph duct removal from her dominant/writing arm …?

    She has lots of friends and family close to deal with errands, food, cleaning, and general fun/support.

    Thoughts? Available on Amazoooooon appreciated.

    • snowy

      I got one of these for my mom http://www.tlcdirect.org/Stainless-Steel-Medical-Alert-Bracelet.html?did=29. (You can probably find similar on Amazon)

      It reminds nurses not to take blood from the arm w/ the lymph nodes removed.

      The other thing that was nice was something like this http://www.thepinkbra.com/amoena2105.html?gclid=COrFh8yksLwCFStnOgodCg4ACQ to wear after the surgery. The one my mom got had little pockets for the drains to go in, which was nice. But in general any cami w/ built-in bra is awesome for after the surgery when no one wants to be wearing a real bra!

      Also, a small pillow with a flannel pillowcase to put under the arm where the lymph nodes were removed can help with discomfort.

    • zora

      Still some ‘fun’ things from Ama zon might be nice to throw in there with the practical things. What about a card game/simple board game she can play with visitors? Or even just a fun/pretty blanket or scarf or robe or silly/cute cozy socks. Some new nail polish colors for her visitors to help her paint her fingers and toes fun colors? Some audio books for when she’s tired of TV but wants something to keep her mind occupied? Just trying to think of generally fun things I would have enjoyed when I was sitting around in the hospital being tired and bored. ;o)

      • In the Pink

        Thanks for all the ideas!

        @zora – I was wondering just the same thing; how to stay occupied. She is a “Knitter” but probably won’t be able to engage in that (I’m guessing, only).

        Off to find great ice bags and pillows too …

  3. Baby Question

    Hi all
    Sorry for my stupid question, but I’m not quite at the time where my friends are starting to have children, and the few who have had them don’t really have a good answer to this. My husband’s boss, who is wonderful and was responsible for bringing him to his firm just had a baby and is now on maternity leave. She sent pictures around and has been in touch, briefly. We got her a gift for the baby and a card, but a few days ago (i think 3 or 4 days after the birth) she sent a quick email saying sorry for not being more in touch about following up on some outstanding projects, the baby had an unexpected health issue. That’s all she said. Is it poor form, now, to send a card and gift? i don’t know if it is serious or not, or anything more than that….I really know nothing about baby edquite, so any advice is appreciated.

    • tesyaa

      It’s still OK to send a gift and card, of course, with a personalized note that “we’re thinking of you” or something like that. Bear in mind that an unexpected health issue might be something major but in a newborn, it’s quite likely to be something relatively minor like jaundice. I think it would be worse to pretend there’s no baby.

    • EB0220

      Did you already send one card and gift, and are wondering about sending another one? Or are you wondering whether to send the original card and gift? If you have already sent a card and gift, I don’t think you need to send anything else. Your husband could reply to the email and say he’s sorry to hear about the baby’s health issue and to let him know if there is anything he can do to help. If he can truthfully handle the outstanding projects on his own, he should also say that. His boss really shouldn’t be working during maternity leave anyway. If you’re wondering whether to send the original card and gift, I would go ahead and send them. You could write a note in the card to the effect of “Congratulations on your new addition. We were sorry to hear of the baby’s health issue, and hope it resolves quickly…etc.”.

    • Diana Barry

      Do you mean “we” like your husband and you got her a gift and card? And haven’t sent it yet? I would still send it, except put in the card something like “hope all is well” or something instead of being super-gushing and congratulatory, if no one knows whether it is serious or not.

      • TBK

        There IS a baby and, whether the health issue is serious or not, it’s likely the baby will still need whatever you bought as a gift (even a sick baby needs clothes to wear etc.) If the baby’s life were in danger I doubt she would have the peace of mind to be writing work updates. It’s likely the issue isn’t very serious. You’d be amazed at the number and variety of things that can go wrong in a pregnancy and with a newborn — probably more people than you realize have dealt with these issues and had babies turn out fine. So definitely be sensitive to the fact that even a not serious thing is incredibly scary to new parents, and it’s possible that the issue is quite serious, but that they’re still celebrating the birth of their child.

  4. Diana Barry

    Oh Bloomingdales, why do you not post the LENGTH of the dresses you carry? It would save ever so much time to be able to say “nope, too short” when looking at the description.

    My question for today – what is your winter hat personality? I am a hat wearer in the winter (usually fleece, sometimes wool with fleece lining) and I always think ladies without hats look silly and COLD. Does it really keep your hairstyle better to have it out in the windy cold rather than in a hat? Even when I had long hair I would always just tuck it up into my hat (usually piled on top of my head).

    • KC

      I don’t tend to wear hats unless it’s raining (or there’s wet snow/sleet). The hood of my jacket usually keeps my ears warm enough, and I keep a fleece headband in my bag to cover my ears if it’s really windy. I have a pretty short commute though, so I’d probably bundle up more if I had to do significant walking outdoors.

    • RR

      Well, I have curly hair, so shoving it under a hat is a disaster of epic proportions. And if it’s not down, it’s in a bun or pony tail, both of which get destroyed by a hat. So, while I wish I were a hat person, they just don’t work for me.

        • NOLA

          Oh earmuffs would be a great idea for me! Hats destroy my hair. I have thin, fine hair, and it just doesn’t hold up well to a hat. a fleece headband might be a good idea, too. I’ve been trying to figure out what I’ll need for my trip in the fall because it’ll be cold and we’ll be outdoors a lot. I bought some sturdy leather boots on Saturday on sale, but I was thinking I need to do better with gloves and hat (I have scarves). I have big hands so I’ve had a really hard time finding gloves that work.

      • CKB

        +2. I take advantage of the hood on my coat, but only wear hats when I’m playing in the snow with my kids, and therefore, don’t really care what it’s doing to my hair.

    • Cb

      I wear a tweed-y slouchy cloche, I look a bit like an elf but it does keep my head warm and my hair out of my face. I can tuck my hair into it if it is down and the slouchy bit provides room for a bun or ponytail.

    • Woods-comma-Elle

      I have a sort of trilby at the moment, but I also usually wear earmuffs, sometimes even with a hat, because even with a hat I often find that wind gets into my ears and it hasn’t been that cold in England this winter.

      But now I can’t find my earmuffs and it’s making me sad!

    • Niktaw

      If it is very cold I wear the hood of my down coat up.
      I also have a cashmere beret to wear with the hood-less coats.

    • Mpls

      I’ve been good about wearing hats (something knit from Columbia brand), but lately I’ve kind of just been f*ck it. I am so sick of winter that I’m starting to (kind of) pretend that it doesn’t exist.

      I can’t wait for April.

    • AN

      Maybe you could check if Nordies or saks carries this dress, and get the length from there? Both usually carry a bunch of Boss dresses.

    • January

      I’ve misplaced most of my hats, so I’ve been relying on my hood this winter. :)

    • Cat

      It doesn’t make much difference to me warmth-wise whether I have a hat on or not, because I’m lucky to have thick “fur” aka hair… and anyway it’s always my eyes and nose that feel the cold even if I’m wearing one. So I skip it.

    • lucy stone

      If it is okay out (above 10F/-12C) I usually just wear earmuffs. I bought a pair at J.Crew in law school that is fleece lined and has served me well. If it’s below 10, I tend to wear a nicer wool hat. Below 0, I wear a ridiculous hat with ear flaps and a fleece lining. I’ve lived in WI or MN my whole life so I have an extensive hat wardrobe.

    • Anonymous

      I wear a hat. But, I have thick, straight hair that doesn’t really get ruined by a hat. Plus, I make sure that they are loose enough that they don’t mat everything down (but snug enough that they are warm). I feel like it makes a huge difference in warmth. I also wear a scarf and gloves.

      I get the winter fatigue thing, though, where you are just so sick of all the winter stuff that you start rebelling by walking out the door without any of it on.

    • Polished Pinstripes

      I always wear hats during the winter. It definitely makes a difference, because I feel much colder on any day when I forget to grab my hat as I walk out the door. I generally wear wool or felt “cloche” style hats. If I have my hair up or in some sort of style that doesn’t work with a hat, I wear earmuffs. For some reason, I think my body is very sensitive to needing to keep my ears warm.

    • Parfait

      I wear a hat every single day, cold weather or hot. For winter I like structured wool hats with a brim; for summer I like structured straw or paper hats with a brim.

      My dermatologist is very happy that I have this particular predilection.

    • kjoirishlastname

      I wear a hat if it is particularly cold and/or windy. I don’t like umbrellas, so I tend to wear raincoats with good hoods in the rain. I have fine, but thick hair that tends to get creased easily, so I don’t like to wear a hat if I don’t need to. SO, on the coldest days, I will usually pull my hair into a low pony before putting on the hat (also keeps the front strands out of my face), and let it kind of tuck in my coat/neck. All the hats I own are “gear” so not exactly “professional” More Mountain Hardware and less Net-a-porter.

  5. Monday

    I flopped down on my bed crying yesterday when I heard about Philip Seymour Hoffman. I swear if there was ever one celebrity whose death could upset me it was him. I just loved watching him so much, had one of those irrational emotional connections like a little teenybopper. I feel stupid because obviously I didn’t know him and have nothing to do with this–can I call it grief? There are very few people in Hollywood I admire, and I’m just so sad that his career ended this way.

    If anyone is able to find a sweatshirt with his face on it or something, please post.

    • Ellen

      Yay, Pricey Monday’s — I love Pricey Monday’s and this skirt, tho it’s to much for me to spend.

      As for the OP, Yes he was a good actor, but he did it to himself, so I can NOT get to sad. I heard about this at the Superbowl party that I wound up goeing to at Sam’s apartement. He was OK, but his freind, Bill, was a total jerk. He was a Seehawk’s fan, and he was GRUNTEING the whole time b/c the Seehawk’s kept winning. Also, he had his face painted green. Who does that? He works in foreign exchange (whatever that is) — when ever I need foreign MONEY, I go to Grand Central Station and there is a person that gives you foreign MONEY! So I do NOT know what the big deal is!

      Myrna says he make’s alot of money, but I do NOT understand why a money changer can make so much money. I will ask my dad.

      The manageing partner let me go to the party yesterday, but I spend all day Saturday and half a day SUNDAY geting my record’s together, b/c the IRS guy is comeing here at NOON. The weather is bad, so I am not sure if he is comeing, but the manageing partner got an e-mail saying he is here from WASHINGTON DC, and is at a hotel. Mabye he was at the superbowl. The manageing partner says I should talk to him and take him out to Crumb’s for coffee and to talk about DC, b/c I went to college and LAW school there so mabye I can distract him. I said OK, but I do NOT have much luck with acountant’s — look at Alan. All he did was lay around in my apartement, eateing all my food and dirtying up my bedroom. FOOEY on acountant’s! DOUBEL FOOEY!

      Anyway, Sam thanked me for comeing to the party and asked me if I wanted to go out for Italian food this week. He knows alot about me and that is creepey! I said mabye, so we shall see. YAY!!!

    • Anonymous

      I don’t mean to say that your feelings are insignificant, but I’ve always wondered about this when a celebrity dies. Yes, it’s sad, especially when it’s sudden and has to do with drugs, but I just cannot see myself ever getting physically upset to the point of tears over someone I have never met. Just can’t. Not for Nelson Mandela, not for an actor. Maybe it’s just about our personal temperaments. The closest I’ve ever come was after Newtown, but even then, no actual tears.

      Am I alone in this?

      • Anonymous

        I always wonder this too. I can’t fathom crying over someone I’ve never met and didn’t even know that I exist. I wasn’t sure if I was heartless or something!

        • AIMS

          I think everyone reacts to these things differently. I know people who cried over Newtown or Sept. 11, I didn’t (though I recognize how tragic it is). But I remember finding out that Linda McCartney died and just being so sad. I don’t even really know much about her beyond her veggie cookbook and the fact that she was married to Paul but I always thought that their marriage seemed so sincere and romantic that I was just incredibly sad to think that it ended and he and the kids had to go on without her. We all have our different emotional cords.

          Monday, I totally get how someone you don’t know can somehow still move you to tears. As per your request, here’s something from Etsy. My personal plan for the week is to finally watch Almost Famous, which I somehow never got around to seeing.

          http://www.etsy.com/listing/178015493/phillip-seymour-hoffman-shirt-sweatshirt?utm_source=google&utm_medium=product_listing_promoted&utm_campaign=clothing_low&gclid=CPuJ5JqwsLwCFW3xOgodqT8AZA

          • Monday

            That was so sweet of you, AIMS. Just ordered it, no lie.

            Since we’re talking about where these personal connections come from, I will add that addiction and how it may relate to intelligence and talent is something I’ve had to think about a lot in my life. Maybe PSH is reminding me of many people I do/did know personally.

          • AIMS

            It’s a nice sweatshirt. Wear it well. These things do have a way of resonating. Maybe sometimes it’s easier to focus on the famous person we don’t know to process our inner most thoughts than our own loved ones.

      • Monday

        Yeah, this is why I was so surprised and confused by my own reaction. I have never cried over any public figure or event before either.

      • Senior Attorney

        I think maybe it has to do with how much you can relate to the deceased and/or his or her family.

        The one and only time I can remember crying over a celebrity death was, of all things, when Anna Nicole Smith’s 20-something-year-old son died just days after she gave birth to her baby girl. My son was about the age of her son, and I could just imagine her in the hospital, weeping and wailing and beseeching God to take the new baby and give her boy back to her. I know, total projection, but that’s what I’d have been doing, and it. just. slew. me. dead. to think of her losing her boy at a time like that. Gah. I’m tearing up now just thinking about it…

    • Parfait

      It was a huge shock. I am opposed to people my age dying. I didn’t weep, but it’s been weighing heavy on my mind.

      It’s extra sad because we won’t get to have the decades of work he might have done. Plus he left tiny children behind. I compare to how I felt when Pete Seeger died; he died having done everything he was going to do and having done it well, and at a ripe old age. Still sad, but not as tragic.

      • zora

        This is exactly what I was thinking. I can’t stop thinking about all of the incredible films and roles we are losing out on. but i was involved in theater for many years, and I am very invested in the craft of theater and film, and he was one of the best of all time. It’s so sad.

    • PHX

      Oh Monday, me too! Hearing about PSH was a physical blow. I ADORED him and thought he was just brilliant.

      (Um, also, I reported your comment on accident. Sorry.)

  6. WJM-TV

    Reposting from the weekend thread:

    Best resources (books, etc) for dealing/coping with death? My family has already had one loss this year, and it looks like another one will be coming (cancer).

    • frugal doc...

      I’m very sorry to hear you are going through this.

      The best thing for me has been finding a local support group. It is a crap shoot though, as many groups are quite elderly, primarily widows, but if you look around you may find something. Check with your nearest hospitals.

    • MJ

      I too am very sorry about this. I went through a terminal illness in my family in 2012, and I wished that I could have better resources then too. I like the links below:

      http://identityrenewed.com/2013/11/27/pdf-15-things-about-grief/

      http://www.pathwayshealth.org/grief-support/index.html

      I found that hospice websites were really helpful. It sounds weird, but they are very used to dealing with serious illness and death, and very supportive. Also, when someone is so ill, you really start grieving for the person they once were, before they are even gone. It’s very hard.

      Lastly, I found that learning about the physical process of dying was very helpful for me to be helpful an gauge what I could do to make things better for my loved one. I had never really dealt with taking care of someone, and this helped me understand what to expect.

      Again, I am sorry you are having a tough year, but know that you can reach out to us ‘r e t t e s for support.

      Chin up!

    • NOLA

      I don’t have a lot of suggestions, although I did see your weekend post and gave it some thought. I lost my grandmother (who was like my best friend) and my mother within a year of each other (both to cancer). I was 24 when my mom died. It was completely devastating. To all of us. Unfortunately, other than my brother and I supporting my Dad, who was lonely and grief-stricken and lost, we couldn’t do a lot for each other. This is probably not helpful for you, but the one book that ever helped me was Motherless Daughters, which is a book about what happens when women lose their mothers at a young age. There was so much of it that I related to that I found it very helpful. Other than that, one of the most helpful things to me was attending a program at my church done by a therapist who had been a priest (not in my religion). It was about healing. The thing I needed to hear at that time is that sometimes, for a person with a terminal illness, the only healing is death. But this was years after their deaths. It look me a very long time to process all of it.

      I am very sorry for you family’s loss(es).

      • Anon

        I second the recommendation for this book if it applies to you. I lost my mother when I was very young and I saw myself in so many of the stories there.

        I’m sorry to hear about your losses. I don’t have any other recommendations for books, but am actually looking for some myself after the death of a family member last month. I hope some of the others readers will continue to share what helped them.

        • NOLA

          I’m curious, since you read the book – one of the things I remember from the book was that you have this weird, almost relief when you pass the age when your mother died. I am now the age my mother was when she died and, I have to say, it is an odd feeling. I am so much healthier than my mother was, so I’m not really worried, but still, it gives you pause. Are you there yet?

          • KLG

            NOLA, this is slightly different but both of my parent’s fathers died at the age of 65 and they are both treating this year (they both turn 64 this year) as a bucket list type of year. They are both much healthier than their fathers as well and are active, eat healthy, etc. but I will be relieved when they both turn 65 in 2015 because they mention it a lot and there is this weird tension hanging over them.

          • Anon

            Not yet – I will be in nine years. It was a weird feeling even being 10 years out last year. She was overall healthy when she died very suddenly, but it was still a medical cause rather than an accident. I can already tell it’s going to affect me a ton when I reach that age, especially because I may have just started having my own children.

            I hope you’re doing okay being at that age now. I really do understand what you mean by the odd feeling.

          • Moonstone

            I read “Motherless Daughters” years ago. My mom died when I was 10. I don’t know whether I was relieved, exactly, when I passed the age at which she died but I was very conscious of that year (age 45). To be honest, my perspective is that everything after 45 is bonus time. I think when you lose a parent young, you never assume you will live to old age. It colors many decisions.

          • NOLA

            Yeah, my mom’s digestive health for years pointed to a potential issue with colon cancer, but she would not have a colonoscopy because the short-term consequences were severe for her. Sad but true. I have none of those issues and, unlike my mom, I eat well and am in good shape (she never exercised a day in her life).

            That said, it’s interesting that my trip to Europe this fall will be right after I turn 50, an age my mother didn’t reach.

          • PHX

            My mom died almost three years ago, when she was 63. I turned 43 this year, and keep thinking along the lines of “wow, 20 years goes by in a hurry…I’d better get my sh*t together physically, etc.”

            I started to read Motherless Daughters right after her death, but it was too hard and too soon. But I think I may revisit it.

            Hugs to the OP. (And between this thread and the PSH thread, esp. Senior Attorney’s comment, I’m now very glad that I’m working from home today. Sniff.)

          • Anon

            Moonstone, I completely agree. My mother died when she was 34 and I never assume I’ll live to be old.

  7. Anon

    TJ: I’m newly engaged and living on the opposite coast from my family. While my fiancé and I have kind of wanted to do our own small thing and pay for it ourselves, my parents really want it done in their state with all the family and friends I grew up with. One thing my fiancé and I are open to is doing a small ceremony and casual reception (i.e. restaurant or something) in the city where we live now, and then flying out sometime later in the month for a larger reception (50-75 people) held near my hometown. Almost all of my family lives near there as well. My question – has anyone done the small ceremony + multiple receptions/locations route and if so, would you recommend it? One of our main reasons for not wanting to do the whole thing in my parents’ state is because the few members of my fiancé’s family who are still alive all live near us now and wouldn’t be able to travel. I would appreciate any help or guidance anyone has to offer!

    • Cb

      We’re dealing with an ocean but are in a slightly parallel situation. We’re doing the following:

      1. Small(ish) but of course more than expected ceremony in our current city (4 hours train from my FI’s hometown, 12 hour flight from mine)
      2. Large, casual (think food truck, community centre) reception in my hometown with my extended family / hs / college / working friends, to take place the following spring

      This is motivated by the fact that a) we’re quite settled here and wanted to get b) my close family is relatively small- no siblings, 1 grandparent and the important ones have the resources to travel, c) my partner’s family is large with lots of children around

    • TBK

      I’ve seen this done where the bride and groom are from different countries and I always thought it was lovely. If you just want to do the reception in your home town, that’s totally fine. But if you wanted to add some sort of ceremony, I’ve seen people do a blessing of the marriage (by a clergyperson, who will likely have a format all ready that you can use, or if you’re non-religious you could just have your parents and/or some other very close people say a few words in front of all the guests before the party begins).

      • Anon

        OP here – we actually are from different countries, but it’s not possible for us to go this his country at all. That’s a good idea about adding a bit of ceremony – we’re not religious, but I’m sure it would make it feel more like a wedding and less like a party if we were to have people say something to kick it off.

    • Sarabeth

      We did small ceremony plus multiple receptions (family in two different locations, neither close to our city). Worked fine, no hurt feelings, but then our families are pretty chill. It was a lot of wedding–by the end, we were definitely ready to be done!–but each part of it was less stressful than one big wedding would have been.

    • Anonie

      I did this. Courthouse wedding and small dinner in the city where we live, followed by “receptions” (a casual BBQ at a park for one and a garden party at his parents home for the other) in our home states. It was really great because we were able to include so many people who would not have been able to travel to an out of state wedding. The downside was that it got pretty exhausting because the wedding events stretched out over four months, and I was 8 weeks pregnant at the final one. No regrets, though!

    • Anita

      We did this– small ceremony and reception and then a larger, more casual reception. It was a pain in the bum, to be honest, but I barely wanted one wedding and would have been happy eloping. I won’t go into the reasons why we had 2 receptions (because I think they were dumb, but we were pressured by family) but I will say– think hard about whether you have the stamina and time to put into planning two weddings. It’s a lot of work, no matter how simple you try to keep things.

      • Anon

        I would be happy eloping too, but I figured this might be the second best route. It sounds like my parents want to take the lead on planning in their state, which could potentially reduce the stress/effort involved for me (as well as the cost). Already getting comments from people like “oh…….well, if that’s how you want to do it, I’m sure it will be lovely.” Ugh.

        • TBK

          Ignore those people. My aunts made me crazy when I was planning my (entirely traditional and unobjectionable) wedding insisting that guests would be put out if I didn’t do this or that. You cannot plan any wedding that pleases everyone.

        • Sarabeth

          Yeah, I let my parents have 100% control over the one in my hometown. They paid for it, they wanted it (I’m from a very small town, so all my friends lived elsewhere by then), they planned it. Worked great. Very glad I did not try to plan it myself. So what if the invitations were not my style.

        • Emma

          I did this. Very, very small destination wedding, so my parents wanted a “reception” in my hometown a few weeks later. The reception was not my wedding, so I didn’t plan it. I helped my parents out, of course, if they asked, but I let them invite who they pleased and plan it as they pleased. I made it clear I didn’t want to be in control of food, drink, decor, etc. It was a very relaxed drop-by party at their house, and I think everyone had a great time.
          It was critical for me to keep reminding them (and myself) that this was a party, not my wedding, so that people kept it low-key (and by “it”, I mean effort, expense, and feelings).

    • Anne Shirley

      I’d just do the ceremony and reception you want. If it isn’t important to you to have all your parents friends there, then don’t. Having another reception is going to be more time, money, and hassle, and it still doesn’t sound like it will be what your parents want since you won’t be getting married there.

    • Tuesday

      I did this. Very small ceremony (about a dozen invitees) followed by dinner in our favorite restaurant. About a month later, my grandmother hosted a family luncheon at a local-to-her restaurant on the other coast. It wasn’t a “reception”, just a nice gathering of about 50 people we like. Some folks did bring gifts, which was nice, but there was no fussiness about cakes and dancing and dresses etc.

      We were completely not interested in a wedding-industry wedding, and are very happy with the way we did things.

  8. Tax confusion

    My husband and I cannot figure out what is wrong with his tax withholding. Here’s the context:
    He made ~70K last year and got ~8K withheld. He now owes an extra $2K in taxes.
    I made ~60K for half year (was not working for the other half) and had 10K withheld. I am due a $1K refund (if I file separately).

    We both filled out our W4s in the same way with 1 allowance, so we have no idea why our withholding is so different. Any thoughts – he works for a non-profit whereas I do not if that makes any sense? I think he actually owes enough in taxes that we might have to pay a fine, which is annoying.

    • preg 3L

      Disclaimer: I’m just a law student, not a tax professional.
      Your tax liability depends on way more than just the amount of money you made in a given year (did you sell any stock? buy a house? pay student loan interest? etc.) but if the question is solely based on income and you’re questioning your federal tax liability, this might help. (State tax liability will vary by state.)
      26 USC section 1(d): Married individuals filing separate returns.–There is hereby imposed on the taxable income of every married individual (as defined in section 7703) who does not make a single return jointly with his spouse under section 6013, a tax determined in accordance with the following table:
      If taxable income is ……………………………. The tax is:
      Over $44,575 but not over $70,000 ……. $10,082.50, plus 31% of the excess over $44,575.
      Over $70,000 but not over $125,000 ….. $17,964.25, plus 36% of the excess over $70,000.

      • preg 3L

        The amount withheld for taxes from each paycheck is typically determined by a calculation that assumes you will make the amount paid in that paycheck for the entire year. Since you worked 6 months and earned ~60k, your taxes were withheld as though you earned ~120k for the year. Since you did not earn 120k, you now get a refund. If your DH isn’t having enough taxes withheld, you should speak with a tax professional about adjusting your withholdings.

        Again, I’m just a law student.

      • Anonymous

        I’m a CPA and I’ve seen about 2 cases where it was advantageous for a married couple to file separately. Don’t file separately unless there is a specific reason to do so.

    • Mpls

      Is your W-4 withholding set as Married, or Married withholding at the Single rate? Married withholding is lower than Single withholding, and Married filing Separate and Married filing Joint will have different tax liabilities.

    • Lisa

      I always recommend Paycheckcity dot com to help figure out what exemption to claim and how much a check will be after deductions.

  9. IHCQ

    Is anyone familiar with the role of in house counsel at a place that has a lot of product liability related lawsuits (maybe car companies and pharmaceutical companies and similar)? I have recently decided that I enjoy managing and coordinating litigation and thinking about strategy, and I’m wondering if such a role would be a good fit for me. I know there’s also budget work involved. I am not very interested in any kind of transactional work or employment work. Also, do people have a shot at getting in house jobs at those big companies if they went to less known law schools or is it more similar to big law where you have to have gone to a top school?

    I posted over the weekend, but it may have been too late, so apologies for the redundancy.

    • Anonymous

      Hi IHCQ – just a bit of information for thought – a lot of these companies may have an inhouse person (usually in risk management or another insurance-based role) that acts as a point person but most of the litigation may actually be managed by an insurance company. It may be worth looking into a role with an insurer if you want hands-on management/coordination experience.

      • Olivia Pope

        Also look into companies that are self-insured. They manage and direct their own litifation. I have a few clients like that.

    • Anon

      There definitely are positions like this at many large companies but the issue is there’s one or two per company, versus other practice areas where there may be many in similar roles (like contracts drafting). The positions end up bring v competitive because there are many general litigators who want to go in-house and not as many jobs. If this interests you, I’d suggest getting a lot of experience on many small cases so you learn how to value settlements and manage a case start to finish, and do all the network/usual stuff. If in-house is your goal and you have time to switch practice areas, you will have an easier time with a corporate or employment background.

  10. Tulliver

    Has anyone on here ever left a doctoral program? I’m a PhD student in the humanities/social sciences, at the comprehensive exams portion of the program, and I’m just not interested in proceeding any further beyond this semester. While I liked taking courses and I enjoy teaching (mostly, grading excepted), research and writing are just proving to be majorly distasteful. I hate the solitary existence that research requires, particularly the solo travel for extended periods of time, and big writing projects are tedious. Plus, the lack of stability in academic jobs makes the prospect of doing a dissertation just to become part of the contingent academic labor force really unappealing. So, I’m secure in my decision to leave the program, but I’m wondering when and how I should let it be known that I won’t be moving forward. Should I tell my adviser and the head of graduate studies in my department now (when I’m just starting to network to find jobs outside academia), or close to the end of my teaching contract’s responsibilities for the year, which is at the end of the semester? I am concerned that saying something now might make things awkward with the faculty, since everyone here assumes I’m doing all of the things necessary to move forward – scheduled comprehensive exams, coming up with a dissertation topic – and I don’t have any other jobs in the offing. Of course, I’m also concerned that *not* saying something now might make extricating myself more difficult a few months down the road. Also, I need to consider whether I want to keep studying for comprehensive exams just to keep busy when I have no intention of staying in the program.

    FYI, I’m fully funded and stipended for another couple of years, and I have no debt. I’ve otherwise been an enthusiastic student, so my decision to leave might be a bit shocking to some here (though hopefully not too shocking given the state of the job market). Any advice from those who have been there would be much appreciated.

    • Monday

      I finished my PhD, but I had a number of friends who left along the way, for similar reasons as you give here (we were also humanities/SS). I’m glad you’re secure in your decision, because it’s totally sound. I don’t think my friends who chose to leave got many arguments either.

      I couldn’t tell if you’re already taking comps, or planning to leave before they start? Assuming you’re not going to be eligible for ABD status–or don’t care to attain it anyway–maybe there’s no incentive to take them. I know that for most of us, even those who really enjoyed grad school, comps were a very difficult, isolating low point that left many people at least daydreaming about doing something else with their lives. No need to go through that if it’s not going to serve you in any way.

      As for when to tell people, there’s no one right answer, but I think you could look at it strategically. Is there anyone in your department whose support or advice would be helpful as you change fields? I understand that the honest answer may be no, as many faculty just don’t have knowledge of careers outside academics. If this is the case, I’d wait until your contract is up for renewal and let them know then. However, if you have anyone you trust and respect enough that you think they’d be an asset during this process, tell them sooner and see if they respond with any suggestions or contacts. You may also need them for work references. If they keep your departure confidential, all the better, but even if they don’t, you will have gained something by letting the info out early, and hopefully that outweighs the awkwardness.

      Good luck!

      • Tulliver

        Thanks for this thoughtful response. It’s great to see that I’m not alone by any means, since it does feel that way sometimes.

        The issue of actually taking comps is pushing me to say something sooner than later, since preparing for them is claiming the bulk of my time and will continue to do so for the rest of the semester. If by telling the powers-that-be of my plans I can avoid having to continue preparing (which for my department includes papers as well as an oral exam once the papers have been approved by the committee), I’m inclined to do it. But making my decision to leave official would make confidentiality difficult to maintain, so it’s a trade-off. I do take your suggestion to think about which faculty might be amenable to offering support as I look for jobs – that may be a great first step.

        Thanks again!

    • former academic

      Have you done your comps yet? What needs to be done for you to leave with an M Phil?

      • Tulliver

        Good question. I already have an MA from this department, earned nearly a year ago, so I won’t be leaving empty handed! Should have included that in the original post.

    • Cb

      Coming at this from a UK perspective (no comps, shorter PhDs).

      I had a colleague who had a miserable first year, spent a year as a research assistant / teaching, and then came back to the PhD in a much stronger position. Even if you decided not to come back, it would count as work experience if you do need to beef up a resume / don’t want to show a gap.

      • Tulliver

        Thanks for this – avoiding a gap in employment is something I’m definitely worried about, which is why I’m actively looking for a job now while keeping up with my exams prep. The pared-down structure of the UK doctoral training probably makes students confront their doubts about finishing their degree sooner than in the US!

    • snowy

      I have three close friends who left PhD programs, but in engineering/hard sciences, so it is a bit different – they were planning to work in their field anyway (I assume you were planning to stay in academia?). Two of them were able to leave w/ Master’s, which I think help ease the sting of “wasting” a few years of their life. They also were able to directly obtain employment in their field, so no gap in employment. I’m not sure how applicable this is in humanities.

      Mostly, they were all scared of looking like “failures” I can say that years later they are all super happy they did it and have no regrets. No one even knows they left their programs early at this point.

    • Sarabeth

      I assume that TA/teaching assignments are 100% finalized for this semester? If not, I’d wait until that happens just in case someone decided to give your classes to someone else. Otherwise, though, assuming you have a good relationship with your advisor, I’d tell him/her now, and ask advice on when to tell the rest of the department. It can have a significant impact on your advisor’s plans for next year (for example, whether s/he wants to accept students to work with next year), and I think they would appreciate advance notice. Plus, assuming your advisor’s not a jerk, s/he can help with the networking.

      FWIW, I am an academic and your description of your reasons for leaving sounds like you know yourself, and you are right that getting a Ph.D. will not make you happy or serve your long term goals. Good on you for figuring that out now, rather than in another two years when you are actively miserable.

      • Tulliver

        This is excellent advice! Thank you so much for that and that nice bit at the end. Just taking steps to do something else is improving my life immeasurably, even if the day-to-day is the same.

    • academama

      In grad school I subscribed to and learned a lot about selling my academic skills for non-academic jobs through a listserv called WRK4US or something like that. I see that the moderator has now started a website: http://versatilephd.com/about/ that you may find helpful, especially if you actually enjoy grad school for the most part just don’t want an academic career after school.

      No tips about when you should make your plans known – it’s definitely a know-your-school/department situation. In my case, there were many students who were vocal about wanting non-academic research positions after the PhD, and how well they were treated by the faculty very much depended on how they projected themselves…if they were strong and positive students, then they were quite respected and the faculty used their connections to set them up with internships and interviews. The ones who were more waffle-y and less secure about their futures didn’t really get that.

      • PHX

        I went to grad school with the woman who started versatile phd dot com!

        I have a Masters in English and was going to pursue a phd, but had my midlife crisis early, and never continued. OP, your reasons for leaving are sound. I am married to an academic in the hard sciences, and I will tell you, every time I read the Chronicle, I am grateful I got out when I did.

      • Tulliver

        I think versatile phd is an amazing resource, and I’m a huge fan. Great to see it mentioned here! Thanks, ladies!

    • Coach Laura

      Tulliver, you might peruse the forums at the Chronicle of Higher Ed online, as (most) people there are very helpful. They have a sub-forum called “Leaving the Academy” that would be a good place to post that question. There is also a grad school thread. www dot chronicle dot com slash forums

  11. AN

    Love the dress, and Hugo boss does the most classic dresses. I own a few, and they are my go- to dresses for work.

  12. TBK

    Tis the season — I have a tax question. Our taxes this year are really straight forward: a W-2 for each of us plus mortgage and charitable deductions. But we also have a question about handling some medical expenses. We have an accountant we used for a couple of years when we were first married because TurboTax and its ilk completely malfunctioned when we tried to put in our info (living in many states, sometimes separately, working in different states, living in one state and working in another, buying a house, moving, etc. etc.). Instead of paying him to do what should be a very simple tax prep this year, we were thinking of seeing if he had an hourly rate for just answering our one question. Is this something that’s typically done?

    • Anonymous

      Wouldn’t this question be better answered by a quick telephone call to the accountant? How would people on here know the correct answer to this question?

      :shakes head:

      • TBK

        There may be other options than using the accountant. I thought people might have had a similar issue and had a way to handle it that I hadn’t considered.

    • Diana Barry

      If you are planning to itemize deductions (which may include the medical expenses) you might be better off using him anyway. Or you could definitely get him to do a consult with his hourly rate.

      YMMV, but if you can get the accountant on the phone they may sometimes answer your questions without billing. I am sure I take up at least 5 hours of my accountant’s time over the year and his total bill for us just topped out at $1000 last year.

      Hope you are feeling well!

    • CKB

      As a former tax professional I would be very wary of providing tax advice on a Q&A basis to anyone without seeing their paperwork for the year in case there is something they have forgotten about, or unintentionally (or intentionally) leaving out in our conversation. In Canada, advice of this nature, especially if it was paid for, can leave a professional open to litigation if it turns out to be bad advice, and usually if the advice is bad it is because some information was missing.

      If you were to come to me asking for general advice on say, medical expenses, I’d probably not charge you anything and point you in the direction of the Canada Revenue Agency’s guide on medical expenses.

      Not sure if the US is a similar environment or not.

    • mascot

      I’d try running your numbers through Turbo Tax and seeing how it plays out. The software walks you through it pretty well. Between that and the IRS bulletin (http://www.irs.gov/pub/irs-pdf/p502.pdf) you probably can find your answer. If not, then give him a call and see if he can help. Even if he ends up wanting to do the whole return, you are only out the price of TurboTax and a couple of hours of time.

    • Anonymous

      I accidently just hit report instead of reply. I’m not sure exactly what your medical expense question is but this might help….

      Medical expenses are limited to what is called a “floor” of 10% of adjusted gross income (AGI). For example, you have a gross income of $100k and you contribute $10k to your 401k, so your AGI is $90k. You have unreimbursed medical expenses of $20k (meaning out of pocket, not paid for using an FSA or HSA). The limitation would be $90k X 10% = $9k floor, only the amount that exceeds $9k is deductible. $20k of your $11k of out of pocket medical expenses would be allowed as an itemized ded. on Schedule A. Hope this helps. Let me know if you need more info.

    • k-padi

      I am similar: straightforward itemized deductions and only 1 state. I used TurboTax for years and only one issue (which was mostly me being stubborn). I found that upgrading to the Premier program instead of the basic or plus program made things a lot more simple. The premier program did go through the medical expenses section in detail (I have an HSA) and determined the “floor” anonymous refers to.

    • RR

      We use an accountant (partner paying quarterly estimated taxes with complicated K1). The first year after I made partner, we still did our taxes (because I was a W2 and it was pretty simple), but we would ask the accountant random questions for which we were charged at her hourly rate. I’d contact the person you had a prior relationship with.

  13. interviewing as a lateral associate - advice?

    Hi all, I’m a biglaw midlevel litigation associate looking to lateral to another biglaw firm in another state (I’ll be moving to join family in the area). I haven’t interviewed since OCI, so my interview skills are quite rusty.

    For those of you who have lateraled firm to another, what advice do you have for prepping for lateral interviews? Are there certain questions that I should be asking during the interviews?

    On the flip side, for those of you who interview laterals, what do you look for during the interview? What questions would impress you if the candidate asked them during the interview?

    • Anonymous

      I’d encourage you to check out the Lawyer Whisperer group on LinkedIn – I found it to be a wealth of information on lateral moves in the legal industry (both the group moderator and other members).

    • anon

      I interviewed many laterals in my big law time. I would say that by the time you are mid level, maturity is a big factor–do you understand the business of law? have you moved beyond research and memos to strategy and analysis? how focused are you on becoming partner? does your professional story make sense? do you take initiative and do you have leadership qualities? do you know your strengths and weaknesses?

  14. hellskitchen

    I don’t know if Kat is okay with this solicitation in the comments, but I’ll answer the question nonetheless: tall enough to fit a small laptop (many bags are too short to be zipped up easily with a laptop inside), have lots of outside pockets (minimum two), go easy on decorations like tassels etc (they inevitably curl and fray and generally look messy).

      • AIMS

        Well now I am intrigued. And sort of sad that the report button is back. It was gone for a while, no?

        • Kat G

          It was gone for a while because it was significantly slowing down the page, but we’ve changed up more stuff behind the scenes so we’re trying it out again. Again, a post will only be pulled if 5 or more people report it, so accidentally hitting it isn’t a problem. (And will only send it to the moderation queue anyway.)

          • AIMS

            Thanks for the reply, Kat.

            I can see how as the site grows maybe it becomes a necessity, my concern with the report button has always just been that it will end up being used for comments that people find personally disagreeable, but that are not inherently offensive or objectionable (e.g., spam), especially since anything controversial often ends up in moderation anyway.

          • Kat G

            Remember, former First Amendment lawyer here — I’ve always run this site from the perspective that more speech is better than less. I just can’t independently read the 800+ comments every day on the site (I probably see about 30% of them), so a bit of crowdsourcing seems like a good idea, particularly before/if we ever expand to forums (which is always/still something I’m looking into, but probably not seriously again until later this year).

          • zora

            I get what you’re saying AIMS, but there has been an uptick in spam comments lately, and I think crowdsourcing those off the page is totally legitimate. If a ‘disagreeable’ comment gets moderated, Kat will see it and can always put it back if she wants to.

  15. Anon

    Any tips for approaching my boss about giving me a little more of a voice during meetings?

    Every week, we have a weekly status meeting with my boss’s boss and all of her direct reports. It’s a round table, and everyone explains what they’re working on and how it’s going. My boss always explains all of her projects, and then goes on to explain all of mine – even ones that I am doing more or less independently. “[Anon] is working on X; [anon] is doing Y.” Then, when I get called on by the big boss, I don’t have anything to say that’s not redundant. Usually I just say something like “Well, as [my boss] said, we’ve been working on X, Y, and Z, and it’s all going well.” I feel like I come across as ditzy and am not getting good exposure to the big boss. Eventually, I’d like to report directly to her, so this is concerning.

    Would it be appropriate to approach my boss and ask if I can report directly about my own projects? I don’t want to come across as overbearing or overstepping my role, but this is my only regular interaction with the big boss and I’d like a chance to describe my own successes and responsibilities.

    • rosie

      My former boss used to do this because she was a huge micromanager. She knew I knew what I was talking about and could present to big boss, but she just could. not. help. herself. Does your boss micromanage other aspects of your work?

      • Anon

        She does sometimes, yes. I have a theory that she might feel threatened by me – after a very short time with the company, I was promoted to be at her job level, although I still report to her. She’s been stuck at that level for over a decade. Sometimes it seems like she tries to assert her authority over me, and this is perhaps an example of that. I don’t want to take her job. I just want managers to know I’m good at mine!

      • Anon

        I’m the only one that reports to her. Everyone else in the meeting reports directly to the big boss and provides their own status update.

    • lucy stone

      Do you literally go around the table? If so, could you sit ahead of her so you reported first?

      • Anon

        No – it’s a conference call and the big boss reads down a list and calls on people. Always my boss before me.

        • rosie

          Would it be weird if you went into more detail than your boss does? If yes, I would keep saying something like, “Boss already covered by current projects, but I am happy to provide more detail and want to, in particular, echo that project [y] is [something about y].”

          Given that you are the only one on the call who does not report directly to big boss and your boss may already feel threatened by you, I would hesitate to push your boss too much on this. It seems like she could easily say that your time could be better spent not on the call.

          (and accidentally clicked report after just reading about the report button…sorry!)

    • JB

      As her direct report, your work is her work. I’d tread very lightly to make sure that you are reading the office politics correctly before inserting yourself ahead of Direct Boss. Big Boss may expect this level of report from Direct Boss (so be careful that you might be misinterpreting that as DB is threatened). Direct Boss appears to be giving you the proper credit, so you are getting good PR with Big Boss. I’d focus on finding statements that show graceful concurrence, kind of like rosie said.

    • RR

      I do this sometimes with associates who work under me, and it is inevitably because I am concerned they are going to make us both look bad if I let them talk. I’d consider whether that is an issue here. Either way, I think approaching your boss is a good idea.

    • AN

      I would do this. Also maybe position it as more experience for you in terms of presenting or communicating to bigger group.

  16. Anon Lawyer

    How do you ladies celebrate professional wins at work? We recently received an appeal decision that essentially echoes all of the arguments made in our written arguments – arguments that I worked very hard on so I’m over the moon and feel like I need to celebrate my hard work leading to a huge victory for our firm/clients.

    • AnonInfinity

      Congratulations!! What a fantastic result! High-fives and several hours of sitting at your desk, smiling like a crazy person are in order.

      I usually share the good news with a handful of work friends and other lawyer friends because other people (even my husband) don’t tend to get why it’s a victory or how cool the victory is, even though they’re glad that I’m happy. It’s kind of a bummer when others don’t share your enthusiasm for the win. Usually followed by a celebratory dinner or happy hour, but that’s usually just with my husband rather than with friends.

      My most exciting and disappointing win at work was when a team I’m on was given the opportunity to be trial counsel in a huge trial. The partner on the case was completely over the moon, so it was very exciting when he told me the news. My husband was happy I was happy, but I could tell he was mostly thinking “She’s going to be even more busy and I won’t get to see her for 6 weeks during the trial…” and many of my co-worker friends who usually celebrate these things were mostly thinking or saying “Ooooh crap, my workload will now increase and also you know you’re going to be super busy for the coming months?”

    • In Rem

      Just had a big win here on a case where I am lead attorney. Given that my colleague did a ton of work on it and ended up handling the argument, I framed the order, with a choice Q & A from the argument transcript pasted on it. I just printed it & put it in one of those 81/2 x 11 frames, but he’ll get a kick out of it and hang it on his wall. A fun reminder of a hard-won victory.

  17. lucy stone

    Has anyone taken the PHR exam? I’m a government attorney and regularly deal with employment law issues, but think I may need a certification to move up. I don’t know that I have enough experience with employment to qualify for the SPHR now. For three years I’d occasionally do employment law, for the last two years I’ve been doing a lot more. Is this enough for the SPHR now? Also, I’m wondering:

    1) How difficult is the PHR compared to the bar exam?
    2) Is a prep course worth it?
    3) Would I be better off waiting two years to have the experience needed to sit for the SPHR if I don’t have it now?

  18. Ash

    What is everyone’s feeling about applying to another job at an organization for which you are (were?) in the interview process for a different position?

    I applied to a position that was a stretch but got an interview a few weeks back. I haven’t heard from them since. Would it be bad for me to apply to another position that seems like a good fit? It’s a different division than the job I originally applied to…

    • hoola hoopa

      Do it.

      If they are big enough to have divisions, there’s a very good chance that the person hiring for this new position won’t even know you previously applied elsewhere within the company. If they do, they may talk with the people who interviewed you, but assuming that your interview went fine (you didn’t confess to plagiarism, offend the interviewer, etc), then they’ll report that you had X strengths but they chose another candidate for Y reasons. The fact that you are reapplying can indicate that you really want to work for the company, which can reflect well. So it could be good or it could be neutral, but it certainly won’t be any worse than if you didn’t apply at all. If you don’t apply, you definitely won’t get the job.

      Disclaimer: I’m not in law. Maybe there’s some peculiarity to law about this.

  19. Anonymous

    Just wanted to post my quick rant since my husband doesn’t want to hear it because I’m “judging” our friends in his eyes.

    I’m the OP that has the friends who don’t know how to care for newborn baby :

    We went to a super bowl party yesterday that was thrown by a mutual friend of ours. The newborn baby couple was there and they brought the baby.

    Husband of newborn baby couple was drinking at the party. I’m not talking about he had a beer in his hand, but was taking shots of whiskey, etc. To cut to the chase, he was drunk. Wife of newborn baby couple had two glasses of wine.

    I was holding the baby when he woke up screaming because he was hungry. Wife of newborn baby was in the bathroom on the phone having a heated argument with her sister about her sister’s wedding. I thought she was in the kitchen making him a bottle but she was in the bathroom. Apparently she had told her husband to make the bottle. The baby is literally screaming his head off and I was feeling really bad for him. I’m like, WTF is taking so long to make the bottle. I go in the kitchen and half the bottle of milk is spilled on the floor and he’s trying to get the lid screwed on bottle properly. He gives me the bottle and the milk is leaking out the side onto the baby so obviously the lid isn’t on right. I’m trying to stay calm and tell him, hey it’s leaking because it’s not on straight. He’s like give me him, I’ll feed him, I don’t care if it leaks all over me. I don’t want to hand the baby to him because he’s drunk so I turn around and walk to the couch and continue to feed the baby with the leaky bottle. I then walk back in the kitchen to see that the reason the bottle was leaking is because the inside part had fallen out and is crucial to the bottle sealing. I wash the inside part, reassemble and we’re good. However, the baby only received half the formula he’s supposed to receive so he was crying when the bottle was done (they had no more formula with them).

    What I learned from this experience? Watching a drunk person make a bottle for a baby is infuriating. I told my husband I’m not going to any of these events with our mutual friends anymore because it stresses me out to watch people who are drinking care for an infant. Unreasonable?

    • Anonymous

      why are you friends with these people? Frankly, they sound ditzy and may not be winning any parenting awards, but none of these anecdotes necessitate calling CPS, so at some point you’re going to have to accept that this isn’t your kid and stop micromanaging their parenting style (as it is). Sorry if that’s harsh, but I really don’t know what solution you are looking for here?

    • preg 3L

      I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, but I wouldn’t say the reasons is because it stresses you out to watch people who are drinking care for an infant. I don’t feel like the issue is the drinking — the issue is that this couple has [or, seems to have] absolutely no idea how to properly care for their baby.

      Personally, I would have a really really hard time remaining friends with this couple, just because I would be so concerned for their child. Perhaps that’s the wrong attitude to have, but I see no reason to put myself in a situation that I know will greatly upset me.

      • Diana Barry

        +1. Your friends are clueless at best about the baby and I hope the poor thing is OK!

        I agree with preg 3L, I wouldn’t want to hang out with them any more at all ever.

        • zora

          I agree with preg and Diana, you are not unreasonable to be upset by this, and I also would just never want to be around these people again because I would be completely ragey. I am so sorry you are having to deal with this :o(

          I think you are right in deciding you just can’t be anywhere they are with the baby. And that will probably be tough because you’ll be missing out on seeing other friends. But I think it’s worth your sanity to not have to put up with these irritating people.

    • Anita

      Look, they seem to be a hot mess, as far as parents go, if your accounts are accurate. But this isn’t your child. And guess what? Babies sometimes scream and cry, even with the best of parents. So don’t judge based on the fact that the kid cried. You are not going to be able to change them, all you can do is take yourself out of this situation.

    • LizNYC

      I’m dittoing. These parents don’t sound like the best, but you either have to a) accept that they are stumbling through 1st-time parenthood in their own way or b) stop going to events when they’re there / over to their house until the child is older (and that may be when the kid is at college). You might be framed as an anti-kid person, but you don’t need to give yourself anxiety over their parenting style.

    • Anon

      You sound like you haven’t been a parent of a newborn. Yeah, I cringe about any parents being drunk and in charge of Baby, but I’ll say that I did a lot of ungraceful and fumbling things when I was a first time new parent. Max 2 hours of sleep at a stretch doesn’t really allow you to put your best foot forward all the time.

  20. KP

    Cry baby TJ – I cry really easily. Like, really easily. Watching tv, at a sad commercial. While watching stupid shows like The Bachelor (not to mention the amount of crying I do at legitimately sad shows). The Olympics is especially trying – any time someone wins, or loses. I have started to not want to go to certain work events, like fundraising things, especially if there is a speech given and it is heartwarming, because it is embarrassing to cry at something that’s not that sad/happy/emotional. Is there something wrong with me? I feel pretty “together” otherwise, and I don’t really cry at my own life events unless it is something that legitimately deserves crying, like a death or something like that.

    • Kathryn

      I am exactly like you, and it’s embarrassing. The highlight happened just last week, when I was on a plane for a work trip, the movie “Enough Said” was on (not even that sad) and I cried for a good 30 minutes. I should have just changed it but it was a good movie. I was straight up sniffling.

      • Susie

        Don’t watch Lone Survivor (or at least do it alone)! I wept quietly through most of that at the theater.

    • Sparrow

      I’m the same way. When I’m PMSing, it’s even worse! Sad stories about animals will get me every time.

      I cry when I get frustrated and angry too. So sometimes when I’m in a disagreement with my husband I start to cry and my voice breaks. I hate that b/c I wish I could just stay calm and state my thoughts.

      • BB

        I’m the same way, and I hate it too! I sometimes find myself tearing up when I have a difficult work conversation too, which really bothers me. I don’t know why I got this way. All the way until I was 18 or so, I didn’t cry at anything, and then boom!

    • kjoirishlastname

      meeetoooo. It’s terrible! You all are saying exactly what happens to me. All.the.time. Doesn’t matter whose wedding it is. I will cry. I cry at beautiful music. Went to a concert with DH, and the group (Edgar Meyer, & others) played Appalachia Waltz which was the music we played during the seating of everyone at our wedding, and I just cried like a baby in the concert hall. I’m crying now just remembering it.

      I get choked up when I try to explain certain civics-type lessons or philanthropic/Samaritan-type lessons to my 5-year old.

      This will get me every.single.time: yeah, duh crying at a funeral is totally acceptable. But, we lost 2 members of our rescue squad this year, and the dispatch center sets off tones during the funeral or the graveside gathering for the member’s Last Call. At the most recent, just last month, the funeral was inside, and at the end of the presentation of the flag, you could hear all of our members turning on our radios. Few seconds later, the tones sounded and everyone just erupted in tears. The first funeral earlier this year, the regional helicopter did a flyover. Talk about emotion. I’m a mess now.

      So I can’t tell you if it’s normal or not, but at least you’re not alone. Maybe we’re all abnormal, but abnormal together!

      • PHX

        I cried when they read the Declaration of Independence before the Super Bowl. :)

        • kjoirishlastname

          I almost always cry every time I sing the national anthem, or say the pledge.

      • Lyra Silvertongue

        Pretty much any music can move me to tears. It’s a pain because I love to sing but often can’t because I get so choked up over the song.

        But yeah, commercials, movies, books, oration, music, life events (yes, I am the woman crying more than the bride at the wedding), fireworks…you name it, I cry. Thankfully, I have mastered the silent cry where my sinuses are not terribly involved but there’s still an inordinate amount of water trailing down my cheeks. Maybe it helps my dry eye?

        When it comes to real life and real problems, I’m very together. In fact, I pride myself on being a champ in a crisis and the practical doer when bad things happen and other people in my circle kind of crumble. Go figure. So glad to hear I’m not alone!

    • LH

      I’m the exact same way. I almost never cry because of things in my own life but I completely bawl at movies (even – or maybe especially – happy ones), TV shows, books, songs , speeches at weddings, emotional sporting events, etc. I’ve cried so hard at a movie on a plane that a flight attendant has asked me if I’m ok – three separate times!! (and embarrassingly, one of the times it was Crazy Stupid Love which is not even a sad/tearjerker kind of movie and it was the THIRD time I had seen it so I knew exactly what was coming word for word but I still broke down into hysterical sobs).

      • Anonymous

        Dude, I bawl at Crazy Stupid Love every time at the end. Ugly sniffles and all.

    • buffybot

      Errrgh, just don’t watch the Budweiser puppy and Clydesdales superbowl ad at work…sniff, sniff…

      I hate it when I KNOW something is just purposefully being maudlin and manipulative and yet I still cry. Such a sucker.

    • preg 3L

      I cry often as well, and I’m considering looking into anti-depressants for it. I’ve heard there are very mild anti-depressants that can help “dry up the well” so to speak, so that I don’t embarrass myself in social settings.

    • Anne

      Honestly, I thought I was the only one. I always cry at the national anthem. And other countries’ national anthems. And during the countries walking in to the Olympic opening ceremony… and… even romance novels when something vaguely sad happens…

      It’s got to the point where I have come to just accept it, and use it as an occasion to blow my nose. (Suffering from sinusitis, so any mucus-releasing acts, where I can blow my nose and get stuff out, leads to a much better day the next day.)

    • cbackson

      THE OLYMPICS. OMG. Sad!crying, patriotic!crying, triumphofthehumanspirit!crying, etc.

      This despite the fact that I grew up in an Olympic city and have nothing but scorn for the band of former fascists, Nazi sympathizers, and dispossessed and ill-behaved minor European princelings that is the IOC. Seriously, you are no more the Prince of Hanover than I am the Baroness Baltimore.

      Also, I bawled like a baby through much of 47 Ronin. Basically, all the parts that didn’t involve Keanu Reeves.

  21. Annelin

    Hi ladies! Long-time lurker, only second time posting! I was wondering if any of you had any advice on keeping sane while working from home. I just started a job (last week) that has me working from home at least initially. However, since I’ve just started they don’t have too much for me to do. There’s only so much reading I can do on policies/procedures before I start to lose my mind. In addition, I don’t have a computer from my organization yet so there’s a lot I can’t do/see. I’ve asked my supervisor for tasks and been proactive, but there’s just not enough to fill my day right now. I came from a job with a lot of social interaction and where I was busy 24/7, so it’s been a huge shift to me.

    Any strategies? Or maybe I want reinforcement that it’s okay to read my kindle/online shop when I’ve run out of things to do. At some point I know I will be insanely busy, so I’m trying to enjoy the freedom while I have it but I just feel guilty and bored!

    • Anon

      You started /last week/ and they don’t have a computer for you yet? This org is probably hopeless. Fill your time looking for other jobs.

      The problem is not working from home, the problem is that you work for an organization that doesn’t value its employees time.

    • Sparrow

      If you don’t have a work PC yet, then I think it’s fine to do non-work stuff. You are physically not able to do your job – it’s not like you are slacking off from work that is pending.

      You may want to search the archives of this site or Ask a Manager for more specific tips, but this is what helps me for the times I work from home

      – Start at the same time each day
      – Have a dedicated work space free of distractions
      – Take a lunch break or coffee break like you would in the office
      – Once you do get your work laptop, try to extra responsive to requests from your boss and co-workers. Just because you are remote, you don’t want to give the impression that you are not easy to reach
      – In your downtime, try to figure out how you want to organize your files and priortize your work. Maybe start a template for a to-do list or jot down ideas on how to keep on top of work when things get busy

    • Batgirl

      I work from home occasionally and my rule of thumb has always been that if I wouldn’t do it in the office, I won’t do it at home. I don’t always stick to that, but that’s the goal. So sneaking in thissite throughout the day is okay, but full on reading a novel is not (I wouldn’t do that at my desk). It’s a bit different when you just don’t have the work, but if that remains a problem after a few more weeks, I’d say something to your boss about needing more to do.

  22. LH

    Anyone have suggestions for a great housewarming gift? A friend recently bought her own place & I’m visiting for the first time this weekend and want to bring her something. She’s not especially girly and I don’t know how her home is decorated at all. Looking to spend $50-$75. If I can’t come up with anything better, I’ll probably default to flowers but I thought I’d throw it out there and see if people have brilliant ideas.

  23. Alanna of Trebond

    Pretty coat question — there is a Jcrew collection coat (in reply) that I am obsessed with, but I cannot figure out if it is good enough quality to warrant the price tag. Does anyone have experience with the quality of the “Collection” line versus their regular line or who owns this particular coat?

      • kjoirishlastname

        I would be hesitant about buying such a bold print without trying it on, with no returns.

    • BB

      Oh my god, I LOVE IT! Honestly, unless you really need it for your wardrobe for some reason, I’d wait until they put it on sale. I don’t think anything at J Crew is worth $800 because at best, you are paying for really nice fabric but made in their regular factories (and I say this as someone who buys $1000 jackets).

      • BB

        And…I just realized that it’s already on sale. I think I’d still say nothing at J. Crew is quite worth that amount. Also agree with poster above that Final Sale is pretty risky.

    • Alanna of Trebond

      Thanks for the comments everyone. I really don’t know what to do. I think about this coat all the time. (Yes, my job is strangely undemanding of my time at the moment).

      • Rural Juror

        I don’t know of you’re still reading this, but I’ve returned “final sale” items at JCrew before. You have to kick up a mini stink but they’ll usually let you do it

  24. In the Pink

    address labels, notepads, bill paying envelopes

    I adore American Stationery dot com and Stationery Studio dot come

    But you don’t have time for either.

    Gift cards to grocery store, gym, organization place (Bed Bath Beyond, Container Store), etc. in the new neighborhood. Gift card to hardware store! There’s always so much you need for a house! Perhaps you could use some of your time to go check out a place, restaurant, etc.? And then surprise her with a gift card?

    • kjoirishlastname

      I have wanted a return-address stamp forever. Thanks for posting those sites! Very affordable

  25. kjoirishlastname

    Mr. O’Irishlastname surprised me with Frye harness boots for my birthday. That man knows the way to my heart. So excited. I love/hate package tracking!

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