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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Hugo Boss has so many nice dresses out right now. This hibiscus one is on sale; this gray one is amazing (but in limited sizes only). Ultimately, my favorite is the pictured one — the shape is classic, and I love the tweed-inspired details at the waist and neckline, as well as the full lining. It's $445 at Nordstrom. Boss Hugo Boss ‘Heta' Mixed Media Sheath Dress Three lower-priced options are here, here, and here; here is a plus-size alternative. Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail [email protected]. (L-all)Sales of note for 8.30.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off full-price purchase; $99 jackets, dresses & shoes; extra 50% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Final Days Designer Sale, up to 75% off; extra 20% off sale
- Boden – 20% off
- Brooks Brothers – Extra 25% off clearance
- Eloquii – Up to 60% off everything; extra 60% off all sale
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide; extra 60% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – Extra 20% off orders $125+; extra 60% off clearance; 60%-70% off 100s of styles
- Lo & Sons – Summer sale, up to 50% off (ends 9/2)
- Madewell – Extra 40% off sale; extra 50% off select denim; 25% off fall essentials
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Rothy's – End of season sale, up to 50% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear in the big sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 25% off regular-price purchase; 70% off clearance
- White House Black Market – Up to 70% off sale
Some of our latest posts here at Corporette…
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And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
LondonLeisureYear
What have you splurged on and not been impressed with?
For me it would be Tieks and too many hair products to count (like bumble and bumble surf spray) and Matteo bedding.
NYNY
I bought a Perricone MD moisturizer this winter that seemed pretty great in the sample, but had a weird drying feeling on my skin after awhile. Never again.
SuziStockbroker
Me too. And it smelled like fish.
CPA Lady
YSL Touche Éclat. Everyone and their mom raved about this stuff to me. I was not that impressed. $42 for a highlighter? Not again.
Emily
Same. But the $42 also made me realize that the reason some people rave about stuff and other people don’t may be that I have some issues, but needing concealer/highlighter is just not one of them. Oops.
ANP
I bought a drugstore version for $7 and was very happy with it!
Seattle Freeze
The Boots No. 7 version? I like that one a lot – too bad they discontinued/reformulated it.
Anon in NYC
What is the drugstore version?
mcmc
I use the mabelline dreamlumi…
Parfait
There’s a Revlon knockoff of it too that I have. I forget the exact name. As far as I can tell, the extra $30 gets you a pretty gold tube.
Bonnie
Theory suiting. The quality just doesn’t justify the price tag for me. Boss is one of the few brands that has not declined.
lawyerinChi
I agree about Theory suiting. When I was looking for navy blue suit with a sheath dress and a jacket, I tried a Theory suit at Bloomingdales, a J Crew suit and a Banana Republic suit and the fabric and construction among the three suits were very similar. J Crew was cut best for my shape, which made me happy because it was about half the cost of the Theory suit.
ELL
Why were you not impressed with Tieks? I’m curious because I’ve eyed them for years.
Wildkitten
Mine show wear on the edges, so they are still good for commuting, but aren’t nice enough to wear while at work. Also, they are not padded at all so if you wear them for a day of sightseeing you will be in a lot of pain.
ADE
I think they are super cute. I agree that after a lot of wear, the regular ones will show the wear on the edges, but I just bought a second pair – patent snakeskin – and they probably won’t wear the same way. They are pricey, but I’ve grown to love them.
LondonLeisureYear
They got really worn down quickly on the back of the heel and on the toe. The leather, not the sole, so they look shabby now. They also are not comfortable for long walks. And the whole idea that you can collapse them to put them in your purse? Your purse would need to be huge.
I have AGL flats that I have had for years and years that still look brand new. And they are so much more comfortable.
Anon
SK_II Facial Treatment Essence. Noticed nothing after using it, but many rave about the product.
platinomad
Any heels over 2.5 inches… They have never ended up being comfortable enough for my life even in high end brands and “comfort” brands like cole haan.
Lafayette 148 Suiting: Wrinkled endlessly
Leigh
MM LaFleur Taratin wraps. I have two and never wear either.
Ella
That’s good to know. I’ve been eyeing them.
Why don’t you wear them?
Leigh
Honestly, I think they’re too small or just cut really weird. I bought the largest size, and the arms are absurdly tight (I usually wear a M/L on top, and this is their Large), the length doesn’t seem to be long enough on my black one, and the cream one I have fits different. Color wise, I would wear the black more often, but fit wise the cream is better. It is also really, really difficult to get it to drape correctly or look decent at all for me (It’s possible that I’m just too large/shaped wrong to wear this brand: I’m an hourglass, usually wear a 10 or 12 dress, but wear an 8/10/12 top depending on brand). I have to wear a belt, and since there aren’t any belt loops, it slides on the slick fabric, and I have to constantly adjust.
In short, I wear the cream more often because of the fit, but I only wear it when I’m not going to be moving around much, because of the constant readjustment issue. I’ll probably keep the cream, and put the black on eBay, but I’m not expecting to get much since it’s a bit more of an obscure brand.
Leigh
oops duplicate
Rural Juror
The Lo & Sons OMG. I think I bought into the hype. Didn’t like how it had no structural integrity and the weight of my laptop always pulled it to one side. Ended up selling it.
Parfait
Agreed. I haven’t sold mine – it’s languishing in my closet because it’s still a useful size – but it really didn’t stand up well to schlepping a laptop every day.
SoCalAtty
I use mine a lot, but the lack of structure really bothers me. I’m in a pretty casual office, so I still use it almost every day, but it just isn’t what I’d hoped. I’m too lazy to shop for something else.
Idea
That Tide dryer bar that was supposed to stick inside my dryer and have replaceable fabric softener. It fell apart, and so did the fabric softener bar.
Anon
I bought a pair of French Sole ballet flats that fell apart while I was wearing them. They were also paper thin and useless if you had to walk much.
Sydney Bristow
This dress is beautiful! I wish I could afford it and fit into it.
Ellen
Yay! Pricey Monday! I love this sheathe dress, and also Nordstrom’s, but I am like Sydney Bristow–we both probabley have nice bodie’s but big tuchuses, which we are trying to work on.
I took Myrna’s advise and walked up to the ER up at Mount Sinai and asked if Noah was there. It took ALOT of guts for me to do this b/c I am shy at heart. The nurse said he was off this weekend, but he still works there. She would NOT tell me if he is dateing someone, and I think she probabley wanted to date him herself– I think she looked at me as competition (which I am, tho she had a nicer body and tuchus then me). I left knowing ONLEY that he still worked there. I think I will send him a text, telling him that I was walkeing by and thought of him and how was he doeing? If he is dateing another person he should tell me, and if not, maybe he is still interested in a pretty lawyer who is admitted to the NY Bar and in Good Standing, with a tuchus that I am working on. We will see.
Myrna’s friend turned out to be a dud. He did NOT say a lot but was busy stareing at my boobie’s most of the time. Why can’t men look me in the eye when they talk to me. It’s like they think I have a microphone between my boobie’s that they must talk into in order to be heard! FOOEY!
Dad again is pushing me to consider a 3 bedroom place that he will subsidize, but he wants ME to cover the mantencnce, which is over $4700 every month. I realy do NOT like the idea of paying that b/c I do NOT need all that space now. Mabye if I had a HUSBAND who worked (not like Sheketovits, who just stayed around watching TV and drinking), it might work, but really, it is ONLEY me and I want to be abel to save a lot of money to reitire early once I find my HUSBAND who can support BOTH me and our children. Dad will have none of that–he want’s a write off and I am it. He said if I do 20,000 steps a day, I should be abel to bump into a guy who will marry me b/c I will have a small tuchus and that is what men like. I told him that Gonzalo’s women all had tuchuses like medicine ball’s and he said that if I continued to eat Tiearamasu and Crème Broolee, I could marry HIM. I said that Gonzalo did NOT want to marry me, ONLEY have sex with me.
So I am where I started. No decent man to marry, but plenty of loser’s to grab my tuchus and stare at my boobie’s. FOOEY!
hoola hoopa
I really like this dress.
anonymous
I want to get a wide brim hat since I expect to spend a lot of time outside this summer. How do I pick one that’s stylish, not frumpy, and not too old-looking or out of place? I’m mid-twenties and live in the DC area, if it helps.
LondonLeisureYear
Gap has some options: http://www.gap.co.uk/products/ladies-hats-60049.jsp#department=136 So does Jcrew. How wide brim are you talking? I like fedora styles. If you want a splurge Chance has some lovely options: http://www.chanceco.com/shop/category/chance-essentials
anonymous
hmm. I was thinking a bit wider than a fedora, although I’ll consider. I’m mostly concerned about looking like an old lady or like I’m trying my hand at being a southern belle. Is there anything I should avoid? Like would a flower & ribbon on a hat look really weird?
I like the jcrew one. That’s what I’m going for, but I’ve found a bunch of similar ones on amazon that have flowers/ribbons, which I’m not sure I dig.
Kelly Andthenblog
I actually picked up a great and inexpensive one at Eastern Market last summer–not a huge floppy hat, but a nice wide brimmed one with plenty of sun protection–and it got worn a ton!
Gail the Goldfish
Old Navy has some on their website that have good reviews.
Basics
Look for one with UPF 50. San Diego Hat Company has many options. I have bought some of my best sun hats in local nice pharmacies in high-sun areas.
burnseasily
Consider going to a hat store and trying on different brim lengths and shapes. Even a small difference in these factors can make a huge difference in how it looks. The best way to avoid frumpiness is to get the best hat for your face-shape!
Parfait
+1. Is there a Goorin Bros in your town? I am a hat person and I have a lot of their hats. Good place to try a lot of different shapes.
Sparrow
I found one at TJ Maxx. Marshalls or Target may also have options. I didn’t want to pay too much since it’s not something I’ll be using all the time. I think mine was less than $20.
Leigh
I have a bit of an odd TJ for this thread: When I wear a wide brimmed hat, my eye bags stand out tremendously, so I usually wear sunglasses.
When I do wear sunglasses and the hat, I get the absolute worst headache/pain at the base of my skull almost immediately. I’ve stopped wearing hats because of this, because I don’t want to deal with the pain. Anyone else get this? I wonder if it has something to do with the pressure on my skull, or the way I’m holding my head. I know it sounds really weird.
lsw
I get this, but not with this combo. For me it’s wearing my regular glasses plus pulling my hair back with a hair elastic (not every time, but a lot of the time). I get it other times but that recurs the most. What I’ve done is massage the area with tiger balm or equivalent and take ibuprofen.
Houda
I bought one from LOFT and it’s white so a bit high maintenance but I can squish it in my tote bag.
Boston coat Q
For this week in Boston, it it trench coat weather or real winter coat weather. I am coming from where 61 degrees can feel cold and my trench is unlined. I won’t be outside too much, but feel that I need to bring a coat.
Also, I’m going to wear hose and not tights, but I’m visiting a conservative audience where I feel I should have something on my legs in a skirt suit.
Diana Barry
What do you normally wear when it is 60 degrees out? FWIW, this morning was 47 degrees and I wore outside a pantsuit w/blouse, ballet flats, unlined trench and light scarf and I could easily have done without the scarf. If you wear an actual winter coat it will look weird compared with what everyone else is wearing. I would bring the trench and a scarf if you think you might be cold.
anon
This week I will probably wear some combination of a lined trench coat with a scarf, a quilted (not down) burberry jacket, and a thin wool dress coat. I don’t know if this helps!
I wear hose to work everyday with a suit.
Ciao, pues
This week I will probably wear some combination of a lined trench coat with a scarf, a quilted (not down) burberry jacket, and a thin wool dress coat. I don’t know if this helps!
I wear hose to work everyday with a suit.
On Mercer update
Boss always has a rep for good dresses, but based on their use of wool, that the dresses are lined, and that lots of options have sleeves, I am giving On Mercer a try. It helps that I could get a dress + blazer for the cost of this one. Will report back.
What to wear with a suit?
Are silk blouses (no collar) dressier than cotton button front shirts (in the men’s style: with collar)? I hate all of my ones with a collar and am thinking of saving 1 (maybe) for weekend wear. I only seem to like them untucked and with the sleeves rolled up (so, an informal warm-weather look). They never lie right under sweaters (too much friction) and have taken to wearing microfiber t-shirts as under-sweater layers, so I feel like they use up a lot of closet space while never being useful to me.
I wear suits about 1/3 of the time at work, but just b/c it’s easier to get dressed that way (and I don’t strive for formallity — usually it’s with a fancy t-shirt or something fun as a shirt or fun shoes), so I forget what really-formal looks like.
Sydney Bristow
Button up shirts really don’t work on me so I never wear them. I think silk tops are perfectly appropriate under a suit.
Diana Barry
I think a silk blouse in whatever style is as dressy or dressier than a regular old button-front. I also hate all my button-ups and hardly ever wear them to work any more.
anne-on
I think they’re about equally dressy? I tend to wear silk shells or silk blouses almost exclusively, they just lay better on me and feel more feminine. I think a full suit with a silk blouse underneath is just as formal as a full suit with a cotton button down.
Personally, an untucked cotton button down and capris tend to be my spring uniform. Easy to wear for errands/gardening/playing with kids and dog but still looks moderately put together.
Anon
I also tend to wear silk blouses/shells exclusively under suits (solids and appropriate prints).
Wedding etiquette questions
My mum will soon be flying from India to Canada to attend a wedding, and I wanted to ask a couple of things.
There are 2 functions – evening wedding and formal dinner in hotel the day after. Bride is Canadian, groom Indian. Both are 60 (he is Mum’s nephew), 2nd marriage for both.
1. Mum will meet bride the day before wedding – brief visit. Should she give the gift to her then? Or hand it over at the wedding venue? We have no idea if someone will be there to collect gifts.
2. Should Mum take a gift to the hotel dinner? She is not sure
There is no registry.
Please advise!
thanks in advance.
Manageress
I would probably only take one gift to the hotel dinner – there may be a table for collecting gifts then. Honestly, as she is traveling internationally and given the circumstances of the bride and groom, she could just do a nice card and check at the dinner (I’m guessing reception) the day after?
South Asian
1. She can give the gift when she meets the bride – that’ll be a nice sweet visit.
2. If/when giving a wedding gift, one gift is more than enough. So no, gift for the hotel dinner is not required.
anon
Hugo boss dresses are my go-to office wear. I work in a biz casual office and they help to amp up the formality of my work wear in an effortless way. I can get away with the sleeveless dress above, sans blazer.
Wildkitten
Where does one find nice professional vegan handbags? (I thought Zappos would filter for vegan but apparently only for shoes).
LondonLeisureYear
I really like Matt and Nat vegan bags: https://mattandnat.com/ They last forever.
HSAL
I second this. I don’t carry it very often anymore, but I got a bag as a gift 12 years ago and it still looks as good as when I got it (and I received it from an ex’s parents, so that should tell you just how much I like it).
Shopaholic
+1 I love Matt and Nat bags. They’re reasonably priced and hold up really well.
CHJ
Sole Society has a small vegan selection, but it has some options that could work for business:
http://www.solesociety.com/bags/vegan.html
Bonnie
You can filter for faux leather on Zappos.
Anonymous
Rue la la was having a flash sale on vegan bags. Not sure it is still up, but if so, it might be a good place to get a list of brands.
Attire help
Right now I’m eyeing Brooklyn Industries tote (although they have several styles in vegan leather, the ultimate oxymoron): http://www.brooklynindustries.com/product/pebble-vegan-leather-tote-crossbody-bag-grey_pink
Is there a difference between fake/faux leather and “vegan” leather? I feel like the answer should be no…
AIMS
Take a look at the NM last call site. A lot of their house brand bags are faux leather and very work appropriate. Personally, I like this one, and it also comes in a red/coral if you want something brighter: http://www.lastcall.com/Neiman-Marcus-Colorblock-Faux-Leather-Tote-Bag-Rose-Gold-Taupe/prod30120358_cat5920083__/p.prod?icid=&searchType=EndecaDrivenCat&rte=%252Fcategory.service%253FitemId%253Dcat5920083%2526pageSize%253D120%2526No%253D0%2526Ns%253DPCS_SORT%2526refinements%253D435%252C4294946846%252C&eItemId=prod30120358&cmCat=product
Wildkitten
Thank you all! So many choices!
Wildkitten
I want to buy a piece of nice jewelry that is a deep purple, but all the amethyst I keep seeing is light lavender. Is there a different material or search term I should be using?
Anon
I think beladora has some nice amethyst pieces. I bought a pair of earrings from there and they are a deep, rich purple.
mascot
I think amethyst can vary a good bit in both the purple and green versions. Have you tried sorting by color to see the different stones that come in purple? To really get the right color, you may have to visit a jeweler and see what they can source.
http://www.ross-simons.com/jewelry/all/gemstones,purple/navigate.jsp?cc=&curr=
Meg Murry
Amethyst can definitely vary in color intensity, so I agree that you will need to look around and handle the pieces you are interested in buying in person. Not to get into weird color theory, but purple/violets also can look very different in real life to photographs to printed to on-screen depending on the formula/method used to show the color or take the photo, so I wouldn’t necessarily count on it being a WYSIWYG situation.
Gail the Goldfish
Tanzanite can be a darker purple. It varies. It’s more a blue-purple than red-purple.
Texas
I have this necklace and it’s quite dark. Not “real” amethyst but the quality is great, KJL stuff tends to hold up years if not decades, ime. http://tinyurl.com/k97ayjc
Wildkitten
That’s the perfect color! I care a lot more about the color than about the type of rock used.
anne
You just need to keep looking, probably at a brick and mortar jewelry store. I have two pair of amethyst earrings, and one pair is definitely darker thatn the other.
hoola hoopa
Purple sapphire
CMC
Iolite is also a medium- to deep-purple.
Wildkitten
Y’all are so smart. I will see what I can find in person or be prepared to order a ton online. And I’ll look up the other rocks – I think Sapphire would be pricey but I will look around. Thank you!
Meg March
You guys, I’m dying here. I had an interview a couple weeks ago, then they asked for my references… And two weeks later, I still haven’t heard anything. I know this place is moving slowly and in no rush to hire (there were 6 weeks between the application deadline and their first email to me) but all I want is to just KNOW already.
Cb
Oh gosh, that’s tough! Can you distract yourself? Perhaps write an application for another job?
Baconpancakes
That’s usually what works for me. Some kind of universe karma thing. Once I’m not focusing on a thing, I get that thing.
Anonymous
I know what you mean! I know I’m a strong finalist but they haven’t made a decision yet and it’s causing all sorts of problems for me in planning vacation, travel for work, etc. This is so frustrating.
Coach Laura
Did they call your references? That might give you a hint. I sympathize – waiting is the hardest thing!
DC Biglaw
Sapphire and spinel also come in purple. Spinel is lesser known and will be much less expensive than a sapphire.
Texas
Just wanted to post thanks for the TX advice from the weekend thread! We’re going to fly into Austin, spend 2-3 days there with a possible day trip to San Antonio and then drive to Houston for the remaining 3 days. Any additional suggestions of what to see/eat in Austin welcome. Also, I have a hotel booked for Houston, but any advice on where to stay, whether area or specific hotel, in Austin? Most of the hotels are surprisingly pricey & double what our very nice Houston hotel will cost so I’m just a bit confused as to why/where to stay.
Emmabean
I would suggest a hotel in the vicinity of downtown. There are also a couple of boutique hotels in Austin, Saint Cecilia and San Jose, both on South Congress, come to mind – they are lovely and unique, but I don’t know the cost. Have you looked at Air BnB? You may get a better deal on there. The Discoll is a great place to stay too – has a lovely bar and is very historic.
As for things to do – you have to eat. There are a million lists online of all the awesome food in Austin, so I won’t recreate, but definitely make seeking out great food a priority! If you like being outdoors, you should walk or rent bikes and seek some of the city and the lake that way. Likewise, I imagine there is an online list of the best outdoorsy things to do in the city. If you are interested in seeing the Hill Country, I suggest a day trip out to a winery, and/or to BBQ (Saltlick or Opies).
I personally do not enjoy San Antonio, but we had friends visit from Toronto and they took a day trip there and had a blast. So up to you. I think if you enjoy seeing historical spots, you should go, but if that’s not your thing, I wouldn’t bother.
NYNY
I’ve been to several conferences in Austin, and after doing that, have wanted to vacation there and stay at the Austin Motel on S. Congress. A lot of downtown is walkable, but make sure you have a rental car. The taxis are awful!
SA-litagor
Honestly, skip San Antonio and opt for a trip to Fredericksburg wine country – its southwest of Austin, and on the way to Houston, more or less. Be sure to visit Becker vineyards, and if you’re into artisanal beer, I’d stop at Jester King brewery on the way for some awesome sours and good pizza from a local food truck. If you must visit San Antonio just know that the Alamo is a in-and-out photo op experience, and the Riverwalk is mostly dirty, lined with average restaurants. So no fun stores to walk around by the Riverwalk, etc. I only recommend SA for people with kids due to Sea World and Six Flags. That’s it.
As for Austin, check out the capitol ground and take a free tour; go to Barton Springs pool for a dip in the frigid natural springs pool (if it’s warm outside), have brunch at South Congress Cafe and then walk around South Congress shops, check out the live music scene that week (Do512 website is a good source for what’s going on), check out East Side King food trucks on the east side, skip Franklin’s 3 hour line and go to Micklewaite Craft Meats for BBQ. As with all food trucks, check the time they’re open, because a lot are closed Sunday and Monday, an only open for dinner. For a phenomenal sushi experience try Uchi or Uchiko, especially happy hour. Go see some two stepping at Broken Spoke or Don’s Depot. Try the amazing breakfast tacos at Torchy’s Tacos or Taco Deli for breakfast or lunch. If you’re into shopping, I really like the Domain open air mall, and there are nice restaurants around there. Also two outlets within a 45 min drive, one south and one north.
Enjoy!
TXLawyer
This is a perfect response and +1 to Uchi/Uchiko (which you can also do in Houston).
Texas
Thanks!
Emmabean
+1 although I’d have to disagree that Fredericksberg is on the way to Houston.
But I cosign everything else above!
SA-litagor
Just looked it up again. You’re right…not really on the way to Houston. That was a stretch.
Emmabean
Also, there are lots of Austinites on here! Hi, everyone!
CMC
I second the Becker Vineyards day-trip recommendation; lovely drive from Austin and the tasting is fun. Be sure to try their Viognier if you go, one of my favorite local whites.
If you’re looking to try the food truck scene, The Picnic is a food trailer park on Barton Springs Rd (easy drive from downtown or South Congress) and has many of the more famous Austin trucks (Mighty Cone, Tapas Bravas, Hey Cupcake).
Just had a killer lunch at Odd Duck on South Lamar the other day, highly recommend, great Austin vibe and inventive, tasty food.
An AirBnB rental in the Zilker or Bouldin neighborhoods (not downtown, but just south of the river) would be a good housing option.
Anon for this
I would like some feedback on a situation I have with my in-laws. A family-member who lives with my in-laws recently started dating a guy who just completed a 15-year jail sentence for a sex offence and is now a registered sex offender. This past weekend my in-laws dropped by our house, unannounced, with the new couple. I was civil, but after they left I told my husband I don’t want this guy at our house in the future, and particularly not showing up unannounced, which he communicated to his parents. We don’t currently have kids, but I realize that is going to be a whole new conversation if this guy is still around at that time. My husband was 100% supportive of my position, but I am at a loss at how my in-laws (who are typically rational people) are totally on-board with this relationship. I got the impression that everyone thought I was overreacting about the whole situation. For context (if it makes a difference), the circumstances of the offense are that he was in his late 20’s and slept with a 16-year-old (allegedly there was no force involved). The long jail sentence makes me question if there isn’t more to the story. Am I overreacting here?
Anon for reply
If that’s the story – late 20s slept with 16 y.o., no force – I’d say yes, you’re overreacting. Obviously you’re entitled to feel uncomfortable and take precautions but I don’t think he poses any actual risk to you or your hypothetical future children. But there may be more to the story, as you say, in which case I might reevaluate my answer.
Anon
Agree.
Anon for this
I should specify that is “his story.” The offense he was convicted of was sexual assault by force.
Lyssa
Yikes, that changes things IMO. Can you do some research and see if “by force” in your state can include statutory/lack of consent due to age issues without what we would usually think of as force? I would say that the force/not force issue is the deciding factor IMO. (I’ll add that 16 is over the age of consent in a lot of jurisdictions.)
I think that 20 year olds with 16 year olds should be a crime and generally frowned upon, but I don’t think that it should brand the person for life or anything, the way an actual forcible act should.
Anonattorney
Late 20s and a 16-year old. So a 27 or 28-year old with the 16-year old.
Lyssa
Ah, even yuckier.
Bonnie
I think you are overreacting a bit. I can understand not wanting to be alone with him or leaving him with your future children but he has done the time for his crime and hopefully has changed. Especially since his crime was not on the most extreme range of offenses I think it’s not right to automatically shun him.
Must be Tuesday
I agree.
Anonymous
I think you are making a safety argument where none exists. There’s no indication whatsoever that this guy is a threat to you, and sorry but freaking out over the safety of your yet to be conceived children is absurd.
If you just don’t want the guy around because you don’t associate with rapists say that and let the chips fall as they may.
Anon for this
That is what I said. I didn’t make a “safety argument.”
Anonymous
That’s not how it read, so quite possibly that’s not how it came across to others. The mentions in particular of things changing when you have kids and it being of special concern that he stopped by unannounced or unaccompanied by in laws is what makes it sound safety based. Because if you’re just drawing a no rapists in the house line none of that stuff matters.
What to wear with a suit?
I do not think that you’re overreacting and I think you may be on to something given the length of the sentence. Often, people will plead out to something but that’s not the whole story. Pure statutory (ages being different) would not result in a 15-year term (I used to see that for the various homicides less than first-degree) absent something else going on.
You may need to go to the courthouse and pull the arrest reports (which are public) and the judgment of conviction (NJ term, YMMV), which is also public. That may explain somewhat why there is such a sentence given the crime. You may call the DA, who may or may not still be there and may or may not talk to you. You may also talk to a police officer, who may tell you that something here seems fishy. FWIW, if things are not public, it is often a victim’s privacy thing (victim is a minor or victim is related or both), which would be an even larger red flag. We had some offense files that no one saw and they were heart-breaking (and something I’d want to know about if I were a new neighbor).
Trust your gut.
Betsy
+1 I’m very surprised by the responses saying that you are overreacting. 15 years in jail makes absolutely no sense given the story you’ve been told. I would do some digging to see if you can find out what really happened, and until then I would consider him a safety risk.
Anonymous
Ummm no? You’re not entitled to randomly snoop on this guy? By all means don’t associate with him but it’s really none of your business the details of what happened.
Anon2
Yes, yes she is. I think calling it “snooping” isn’t fair either. If he has this known history and he is coming into her home, she has a right to know the facts. I can’t believe some of this commentary!
OP, if you’re not comfortable, you’re not comfortable. However, I think that before you make it a bigger thing within the family maybe it is worth finding out the facts. Then, if what you discover is negative, make a case based on fact.
Lyssa
Assuming that it’s public record, I disagree. She’s completely entitled to “snoop” on someone that was brought to her house and she is likely to encounter in the future. She’s not entitled to go through his cell phone or anything, but she’s entitled to look into the public records.
Anonymous
Yeah but she suggested personally calling the prosector or police officer involved. That’s cray.
burnseasily
It’s one thing to snoop on a stranger, another to look into the background of a man who would like to be invited into your home and is dating a family member.
What to wear with a suit?
I would want to know the facts, and the facts are in the paperwork. Everything else is rumor.
If a person is coming into my house, with this in the background and is likely not to be going away soon, I would consider it to be my business. You get to decide your own comfort level, but base it on the facts.
Ella
Yes, I think accessing public records is totally within her right. Everything else is just rumor and sentencing depending on where she was in the country and how that community reacts to various crimes can vary widely.
anyanony
Anonymous said: “Umm no. You’re not entitled to randomly snoop on this guy?(sic)” Umm yes, you are. That’s why it’s called “registered s@x offender.” The whole point is so that the community at large CAN check/snoop on these previously convicted people.
la vie en bleu
This was my first thought. 15 years is a major sentence, pretty harsh for a full-consent statutory rape. I think you are justified in being cautious about the situation and at least wanting to know the full, accurate story.
Brunette Elle Woods
The first time I read this post I thought it said 15 month term and thought that was somewhat long. 15 years!!! Seriously? That’s probably more than rapists. There’s something not right here. I would 100% go with your gut and try to do some more digging around. Until then, I would not allow this man in my home and I would refuse to be alone with him. Your safety and the safety of those you love comes first.
Anonymous
I will say this. Sex offender registries in this country are out of control, but trust your gut. Just don’t make it about your nonexistence children.
Marilla
Late to this, but I don’t think you’re overreacting at all.
anon
I agree, you are not even slightly overreacting. Maybe I’m jaded by the pedophile married to one of my family members, but I know what really happened, and the guy in my family’s version of the story is absolutely not even close to the real version. And sentencing varies across jurisdictions, but the pedophile in my family got only 2 years for molesting two children for several years (he pleaded guilty). There’s no way I believe that guy got 15 years for consensual statutory rape.
Anon for this
Thank you, this was my thought. I actually have a decent amount of legal (work) experience with sex offenses, and particularly sentencing schemes for sex offenses, and his story was not matching up with the sentence (or the actual crime he was convicted of). If my in-laws want to associate with him, that’s their call. I just don’t want this guy in my life (or my house, for that matter). I think the fact that he is most likely lying about what happened (and not taking responsibility for his actions) is what bothers me the most.
AnonJ
This. I would feel exactly as you do. It’s quite possible that he was convicted of some other offenses, as well, that upped the total jail time. I would not want this person in my home and I would want my inlaws to know the full truth so as to make a more informed decision about whether to allow that person in their home. It seems likely to me that they haven’t really done any research and have just taken him at his word, which would worry me.
art?
Where do you buy art? I’ve picked up pieces on Etsy and at flea markets, but they tend to be smaller. I’m looking for some larger, impressive pieces that don’t cost a fortune. Something bold, something that’s not just a print or replica of a Monet or a Van Gogh (I love those artists, but I want something more original).
I already know about art.com, icanvas, and many of the other sources that Emily Henderson recommends (love her!), but I find them overwhelming. If anyone can recommend more specific niche artists or sites, I’d love that.
I especially love prints of museum exhibits from the past, but I don’t know where to find those. I just think they look great when I see them in people’s homes.
Any ideas?
LondonLeisureYear
I search on pinterest. I find people who have boards of pinned art that I like and look at the rest of the selection on their boards. Once I find a piece I like I then search to find the name and artist how to purchase it.
AIMS
Search “vintage museum poster” in Etsy and Ebay for old museum exhibit prints.
Some museums sell reproductions/originals like that, too, though they tend to be rare ones and a bit pricier. Personally, I like thrift/antique stores for the kind of thing. I’ve gotten some great finds of both large scale original art that way and some really great old print. And as a bonus they often come framed with better frames that I would get if I was framing something new.
Anonymous
I’ve bought a lot of pieces at my local arts market. I buy from artists who are local and really appreciative of the support for their work. I’ve noticed that some of them are more expensive online than what they charge at the market.
CountC
I will plug one of my faves Maggie O’Neill. Now a lot of her art is DC centric, so it may not appeal to you, but it’s worth a look IMO http://www.maggieo.com/limited-edition1/
Leigh
We buy from local arts markets when we travel. We have pieces from everywhere that we’ve traveled to, and it’s so fun to look at them and reminisce. If you don’t travel much, I would recommend just looking around your city to see if you have any local arts markets, and going there, like the poster above!
Anonattorney
DENY Designs is neat. They have tons of different prints from small artists. The print is replicated on a canvas or a frame-able print (and some other products, in case you’re into that). They’re a decent price, also, but they may not come in the size you’re looking for. I think they max out at around 2 ‘x 3’.
Parfait
http://20×200.com/ for affordable limited-edition artwork. They do each piece in several different sizes, so if you’re looking for big and bold, search by size and go to town.
moss
you can check dailypaintworks.com and saatchionline.com. Also look for local auction sites like everythingbutthehouse.com
Senior Attorney
Most of the major art museums have online stores and you should be able to get exhibition posters through them.
Suburban
Looking for sage advice from the hive. I work in the legal dept of a huge corporation. Traditionally, folks in my position get a “promotion” (title change and raise but no additional responsibilities) after three years. I celebrated my third anniversary in January and had “applied” for the promotion, through my immediate boss back in November after bringing it up with her in March 2014. My male colleague, who started the same day as me, received his promotion last fall after applying around same time as me.
Recently, I had a talk with my boss’s boss regarding my promotion and she told me that they had “changed the rules” in getting the promotion. She said she couldn’t confirm that my boss had submitted my application, what the requirements to get the promotion are or whether Ill ever get it.
I think it’s wholly unfair that they changed the rules like this for me but not my male colleague. Fwiw no one who has been there less time than us has gotten the promotion and no one who has been there more time hasn’t gotten it.
What’s the best way to bring this up with managment. And who to bring it up to. (I was specifically told that I’m not allowed to know who makes the decision) Fwiw my reviews are stellar and my male coworker and I discussed this and he thinks it’s unfair as well.
Finally, I’m frustrated that I’m getting paid less than a man for doing the same job, despite the fact that I’m working under so many women.
Diana Barry
Hmm. I would bring it up WITH your male colleague – and talk to boss and/or HR WITH him – basically this is a lockstep promotion, what gives, etc. etc. If he is supportive and agrees with you, he should have your back. If there is another person there in the meeting, to whom they would have to justify the disparate treatment, that could help.
It could also be that they are trying to push you out and the no promotion is kind of a cover so that you will be dissatisfied and start looking, but if you are generally happy there I would start by talking to them along with your male colleague.
Suburban
Thanks. He’s super supportive and suggested that I bring this up, but it would be difficult logistically to get us all in the same room. Bosses are famous for calling meeting then canceling and we’re all in ct on different days.
Anon
I agree with you that it is quite possible that they want you to be dissatisfied and leave. Look outside of your work and your reviews (many of which may be uniformly positive if that’s the company culture): Is your company doing well? Are you both equally busy? Are you less busy than you were 3 years ago? I was let go as in-house counsel at a really profitable company even when I was busy because they wanted to cut the group that I was supporting and they anticipated less work in the future, so I totally was blindsided. I don’t want to alarm you unnecessarily. Do you have a sponsor or mentor at the company who can give you more insight or get more information for you?
TBK
Did you ask your boss why the rules were changed for you and not for your colleague? Did your boss say in what ways the rule has changed? Is it now a merit promotion but it was automatic before? If they’ve changed the rules, what’s the path to the promotion post rules change? It just seems like there’s a ton of information missing at this point. Sure, maybe it’s discrimination and they just blatantly gave the man something they’re not giving the woman, but very few organizations are going to break the law so brazenly. I’d be in information-gathering mode for the time being. If it’s a totally secret process and they won’t give you any information on how to get promoted, then I agree with Diana Barry — they’re trying to push you out and you should look for a new job.
Suburban
Yeah they we’re very clear that “there are no metrics.” Maybe they’re trying to push me out but my reviews are great and I was just invited to join a special team based on my performance. I do get the vibe that they want to stop giving this promotion, but I’m furious that they’d make that change so arbitrarily.
Suburban
I also cannot even fathom leaving this job. I’m not leaving unless they fire me. It’s just too good, other than this promotion situation. It’s fairly stable and they really won’t fire me for less than a major ethical screw-up. Also the pay difference is not life changing, it’s just frustrating.
TBK
That is the weirdest thing I’ve ever heard. So they give a promotion based on…? Nothing? They really said there’s no reason we can tell you that we gave this promotion to that guy but aren’t giving it to you? That’s crazy.
Suburban
I know…she also implied that I couldnt know who the decision maker was for fear that id retaliate against that person if I didn’t get it. What?
I haven’t brought up my colleague yet- I wanted to talk to him first.
Meg Murry
Is there some kind of raise/promotion freeze that they don’t want to make publicly known? I understand wanting to do away with a lockstep raise/promotion, but it seems silly to give it to your colleague and not you. Do the 2 of you work for the same boss?
Have you taken a maternity leave (or other type of leave) that would make your “official” time less than your colleague? I’ve worked places that discounted that time when counting years of service. Or did he have a lot more experience before working at this company than you?
I think the fact that you and your co-worker started on the exact same day and he got the promotion and you didn’t is fishy – you are right, something doesn’t add up.
Suburban
Nope. No leave. I’m normally an”eyes on your own paper” kind of person but I guess what I’m taking from this is I need to bring up the discrepancy. I have my coworker’s blessing and it shouldn’t hurt my case, right?
Katie
This would be a great question to ask Alison over at Ask A Manager.
TBK
I need weekend wardrobe help. I recently realized basically all of my clothes are horribly unfashionable. I mean, not just not trendy, but like I’m in danger of veering into mom-jeans territory. I don’t have the luxury of spending the time or money on clothes I did in my 20s, but I’m not ready to give up altogether! In law school, my basic uniform was dark wash boot cut jeans, a button front shirt, a fitted v-neck sweater, and low boots. I think this look worked on me. I feel most myself in preppier, classic clothes. But obviously the look is a little outdated (if only because of the boot cut jeans and the style of boots). I feel like the silhouette these days is skinny on the bottom with loose, even boxy tops. What’s the best way to update my look? I’m also dealing with some extra baby weight and a looser midsection than I’ve ever had. But I’m kind of pear-shaped with not much up top, so the long drapey sweaters that have been in for awhile have never really worked on me (I look like someone’s mom trying to camouflage a big rear end). Any suggestions for what I should be looking for?
Shopaholic
I’m similarly shaped but I think longer, drapey tops work as long as the proportions are balanced. Do you have jeans you’re comfy in? I think skinny jeans are workable – I would find some with a higher rise (without being high-waisted) so you’re comfortable. With respect to the longer tops, as long as it fits at the shoulders, it should work with the skinny jeans. I also really like flowy tops because they hide my belly so that might help you feel better about the baby weight.
another, possibly more comfortable option would be boyfriend jeans with a t-shirt or something similar. Not quite preppy, but on trend and comfy.
I would honestly just invest in a great pair of jeans (I’ve never had any luck with non-designer jeans to be honest. they fit but then stretch out pretty quickly so I would spend my money on nice jeans). And then you can get these types of tops for pretty cheap.
roses
There’s no need to wear drapey sweaters or super-tight jeans if they don’t flatter you, but I think you’re steering into frumpy territory because the style you mentioned is not form-fitting at all. If you really want to wear boot cut jeans, wear a form-fitting blouse on top. Or try a straight leg instead if you don’t like skinny jeans and wear that with a looser silk blouse, or a t-shirt with a casual blazer (look at Madewell for these). Or since you’re a pear, try tucking a t-shirt or non-cardi sweater into an a-line skirt (cardis look a little uniform-y for this look, I think).
TBK
Oh, I’m not wearing anything I mentioned at the moment. I have some Gap straight cut jeans, and I’ve been wearing them with some kind of tunic tops (like a regular button front, but a little longer and with a placket instead of buttoning all the way down). It’s not a terrible look, but it’s just kind of meh. I guess the jeans aren’t completely unfashionable. It’s more like I’ve defaulted into a look and never quite feel like myself.
First Year Anon
I think a non-button down shirt would look more modern. Maybe something silk-like? V neck?
Jen
This. Tunics are not the answer and the button downs should go. Flowier, silk or faux-silk tops with straight leg jeans will suit your body really well b/c they will give you somewhat of an hourglassy look despite the pear shape, and they will look more polished and modern. Accessories will help, too. TJ Maxx and Ross have been great sources of tops like this for me.
LilyS
I’m with you on the preppy and also being fairly pear-shaped.
I tend to wear narrow-cut jeans (my favourite at the moment are called ‘relaxed skinny’ which are fine – I also have some ‘slim bootcut) which look good – and then grab a top (usually a Breton…) and a cardi out of my wardrobe, and a scarf usually. I don’t win any fashion awards but I always look relatively pur together.
Sparrow
I recently bought a pair of high rise skinny jeans from the Gap. I gained some weight and most of iit is on my belly. The high waist help smooth things out without giving me muffin top.
I don’t always wear loose tops with skinny jeans. Sometimes I’ll wear a knit top with a cardigan and flats.
You Look Fab or Wardrobe Oxygen might have some capsule wardrobe idea.
Phoenix/ Tucson vacation
Paging the hive for recommendations/ suggestions. Otherwise, I will be stuck at the pool and bored stiff!
DH & I will spend 1 week in Phoenix & 1 week in Tucson for our “summer” vacation in late May/ early June and are looking for things to see/ do within 1 ½ hours driving distance. We´ve already been to Organ Pipe Cactus, Desert Museum, Living Desert, Biosphere, Kitt Peak Observatory, Sedona, the Titan Missile Museum, Congress Hotel concert and Sabino Canyon on previous visits.
SA-litagor
Take a day trip to Sedona – it’s about 2 hours north of Phoenix, but very worth it. Google it under the photos tab. I like to eat at the Oak Creek Grill when I’m in town, good food and good beer in a nice little artsy shopping district.
Jen
Phoenix has amazing museums–the Musical Instrument Museum (nicknamed the “MIM”) is one of the best I have been to in the world. The Heard Museum is also incredible. The botanical gardens are also fabulous, as are the various hikes you can do around Phoenix.
Phoenix also has INCREDIBLE food–my favorites are Pomo (neopolitan-style thin crust pizza fired in a stone oven imported from Italy, with fresh meats and cheeses from Italy flown in each week), Zin Burger (my parents once drove from LA to Phoenix to visit me JUST to go to Zin Burger), Postino (an entire restaurant devoted to awesome combinations of bruschetta), the Windsor and the Vig for great local American-style food, Vovomeena for brunch…I could go on and on.
platinomad
PSA for those in the greater NYC area:
I feel like I discovered a gold mine this weekend, but maybe you all know about this. Less than an hour from New York City there is an outlet mall called Woodbury Commons with all of the high end designers as well as nice suiting (Hugo Boss, Theory, Tahari) and mid range stuff (Banana, J Crew). While the mid range stuff sort of falls into the typical “outlet mall stuff is not really great but you can find things and its very cheap”, theory, hugo boss, and tahari all had unbelievably beautiful things for at least half off what you would see in stores.
You may all be like “Everyone in new york knows about this and this is why we all look so amazing all the time” but I bought so many amazing beautiful things at awesome prices and wanted to let everyone know its totally worth the trip.
Happy Monday!
Anon
Yup! I’m in NYC and make the trip up there at least once or twice a year. Best find ever was a $900 Joie leather jacket on sale for $180 that I found at Last Call last year. It fit me perfectly, AND I had been looking for the perfect leather jacket for years. You can find some amazing stuff there if you’re willing to look a little…
Celia
There used to be a Williams Sonoma outlet there, too. Like in 2001. Dunno if it’s still there, but wow.
Wedding Q
What does “semi formal” wedding dress code mean to you? I am finding conflicting info online. Is it basically black tie and “formal” would be white tie? Or is it more akin to c*cktail? Less dressy than that? FWIW, dress is at night on a weekend but not at a particularly fancy venue.
Anonymous
Less formal than cocktail.
TBK
Really? I think most people mean c-tail. That’s what people meant when they had semi-formals in college. Officially, it is black tie but according to that code, a dark suit is “informal” but no one who saw “informal” on an invite nowadays would think that (semi-formal = black tie if you’re the White House expert on protocol, or if you live at Downton Abbey, but for the rest of us, I think it means c-tail dresses for ladies and suits for men).
Anonymous
Semi formal does not in any realm mean black tie. Like, actually no one in today’s world uses it to mean that.
Anonymous
Semi Formal has never been black tie. And I honestly am pretty close to being the white house expert on protocol. Semi formal is cocktail attire, but it has never officially meant black tie.
Mpls
(In the Midwest), I would also take semi-formal to mean less formal than cocktail. I would consider cocktail to be “formal”. Semi-formal, to me, implies shirt and ties, but maybe not suit. Or at the very least, your nicest jeans with shirt and tie.
I would base the definition on what I know of the couple, their family and the venue.
HSAL
Also in the Midwest. The idea that semi-formal could include “nicest jeans” horrifies me. I agree with the commenters saying cocktail.
LondonLeisureYear
I am having my wedding in the midwest and now really worried that our semiformal definition will mean people will show up in jeans!!! I grew up in the Midwest and wouldn’t assume that semiformal meant jeans but this comment has me scared!
twocultures
A lot of the interpretation depends on your background. My sister is now engaged to a great guy who has a largely blue collar, rural family. She’s trying to figure out how to hint to them that she’d prefer it if they not wear jeans to her wedding. My sister and her fiance do occasionally wear suits to work and definitely see them all the time so it’s what they think of as ‘dressed up’. His family seldom even sees anyone wearing a suit and I just don’t think it occurs to them.
Anon
It’s the same as c*cktail. Maybe less formal for men – no suit required? But the same for women.
mascot
I’d say same as cocktail. http://www.emilypost.com/everyday-manners/your-personal-image/69-attire-guide-beach-casual-to-white-tie-
bridget
I live in Boston and would consider “semi-formal” to mean a dark suit for men, and the equivalent for women (i.e. a very nice knee-length dress, and even some floor-length dresses could be appropriate).
SSJD
Formal = black tie: Men wear tuxedos, women wear long (more traditional) or short (modern and quite acceptable) dresses, but decidedly dressy and fancy. If man does not own a tuxedo, a traditional (dark, conservative, not flashy) suit and tie are usually acceptable.
Semi-formal = cocktail: Men wear suits and ties. Women wear fancy dresses but usually not longer than mid-length (full length dresses would likely be out of place). Still very festive and fancy. Usually this attire is appropriate in the evening (e.g., not common for a morning/day wedding, but could be on some occasions.) Would not usually include the things that a woman would wear to work. Absolutely NO JEANS!
(Not wedding-related, but FYI: Business formal: suits and ties (for men); for women suiting or a dress)
Informal can vary widely and belongs in another post ;)
LondonLeisureYear
I would look at The Knot or other wedding websites for this, the bride probably consulted one of those before picking her dress code.
https://www.theknot.com/content/what-to-wear-semi-formal
Zelda
Another vote for semi-formal=cocktail. Formal=formal dresses, both cocktail and full length.
ANP
I know there have been conversations about this before but my G00gle-fu is failing me. Favorite business card cases to give as a gift? I’m overwhelmed by the selection on Etsy. Recipient is my BFF, a SAHM who just opened her own Etsy shop. Thanks hive!
Anonymous
There is a kate spade one I love – it says “let’s do lunch” and its silver, around $20.
MJ
URGENT QUESTION FOR THE HIVE. I’m asking for a friend (swears).
What would you do if you were a management consultant, and your formal review said you needed to “take better care of yourself.” Barring the fact that you’re not disheveled or unprofessional looking, and you eat about as much take-out as the rest of the team, is there any way that this is (i) not a gendered comment/thinly veiled reference regarding weight or (ii) appropriate in a formal review?
My friend is speaking with the reviewer and a female partner this afternoon, and wants to get to the bottom of this, and, hopefully, have it stricken from her review. Thoughts?
Personally, this made me roar all the feminist roars on her behalf.
Anon
Not appropriate for a formal review.
I agree it’s probably a gendered comment about weight if your friend feels that is the context in which it was made. Is it possible that it could be about stress levels and taking good care of mental health? It could still be inappropriately gendered (folks worry more about high-strung stressed women than men, in my experience) but at least could be a caring comment instead of a completely offensive one.
LilyS
I read it as about stress levels and mental health. Is she taking enough of her vacation days?
Anon in NYC
Agreed. I think it’s a horrible thing to include in a review and I do think it’s gendered, but if your friend constantly seems stressed and/or like she needs a vacation, perhaps it’s a reference to that.
Diana Barry
I agree with you. If she is dressing professionally, at best it means “wear some makeup already” and at worst it means “lose some weight and get a makeover, you cow”. Not okay!!!!
Anonymous
I don’t disagree, but I think at best it means, “take some mental health days or quit coming into work sick as a dog.”
Meg Murry
My first thought was also mental health – does she often look stressed, or has she been known to pull all-nighters when it really isn’t necessary?
Or the opposite – some places I could see it meaning “I know we give you X sick days a year, but we don’t expect you to actually take them all – we’re mad that you were out so many days with the flu/a broken ankle from skiing/chronic illness/whatever.” I’ve worked places where not taking any sick days was some kind of twisted badge of honor, and people who actually got sick were “weak”.
Is this a work hard/play hard culture? Any chance this also could mean “stop staying out drinking with the clients/co-workers and don’t come in to work the next day dragging or hungover”?
Or does it mean “stop whining about how your clothes don’t fit/you don’t have time to get a haircut/you have to keep canceling doctor appointments because of travel” – I could see this as a way to say “stop whining about how you don’t have time to take care of yourself and do something about it or don’t whine about it”
I suspect this is the kind of comment that the person who wrote it meant one way, but it could be interpreted so many ways – from cruel and sexist to patronizing – but I don’t see it as being a positive, and at a minimum she should get some feedback as to how they expect her to act on this remark.
Other
Is she sure it was appearance-based? If she pulls a lot of all-nighters, for instance, the comment could be the result of her stumbling into the office the next day acting sleep-deprived and groggy. Or maybe she appears very stressed to co-workers, and the firm is genuinely concerned? Very sadly, we had one associate who always seemed so worked up by stress, and although people commented on it, no one stepped in to help her, and she ended up with some serious medical issues. Or, it could be an inarticulate way of passing along feedback that her co-workers want her to stay home if she comes to the office sick. Also, could be possible if the office promotes a “work very hard, but don’t let anyone know how hard you are working.” I worked for a partner who wanted his associates to maintain a perfect work-life balance, but assigned work that made such efforts impossible. As in, senior associates would direct that perfect work product appeared on his desk on Monday at 7:30AM, but no one contacted him over the weekend to notify him we were all working. I worked an entire vacation one year, but was never allowed to bring it up to the partner. Effing ridiculous. I thought of it as the work-elf phenomenon – he wanted to believe that elves did all the hard stuff so he wouldn’t be the bad guy assigning work over the weekend/holiday. ETA – relevant b/c he gave negative feedback to associates who expressed stress about meeting his deadlines, and favored those who appeared cool/calm and talked about all the things they did outside of the office.
My own personal experiences aside, she definitely needs more information. Standing alone, the comment should be stricken and is unfair.
ace
I hope she gets more context in the meeting. I think it could be any one of the meaning suggested above — including appearance based and stress-related. I will say that I work with someone who is well-meaning and diligent but really externalizes/exudes stress (e.g., she comes to work very ill because she believes what she’s working on is too important and that the partners won’t let her be sick and rest at home; she routinely gets teary at the office due to stress). I’ve told her (informally — not in a review) how important it is to advocate for herself and set her own boundaries so that she isn’t driven crazy by this job. I stand by that advice, which comes from a well-meaning place, so maybe that’s what this comment is about?
To your friend: I’d go in as calmly as possible and try to hear what they’re saying before getting worked up about having the line “stricken from the review.”
Saoirse
Wow… you ladies are fast! I’m the “friend” MJ referenced, and wanted to both thank you for the feedback, and give a little more detail.
1. I’m pretty. I train competitive martial arts. I’ve had 4 kids, so my bikini body is not what I’d like, but I am attractive, and dress appropriately, and wear make up. Through the course of this project (a 6-week sprint) I have not made it to the gym. Nor has anyone else on the team – a subject of conversation among us all, and with the managing partner. The work-life balance on this project has been a systemic issue, and I am the most junior person on the team, with the least capability to control the work pacing.
2. I was called emotional, and told that “taking better care of myself will have a significant impact on how we interact with others.” The backstory – when having a deck I wrote get torn apart unreasonably, I shut down and said nothing, and was very quiet for the rest of the day. The tear down was so unreasonable that a senior partner stopped it, and called it unreasonable (it included a 3-minute tirade that I used “as well as” rather than “and.”
This man also did not share a copy of this review with his direct manager. He says he sent a copy to the managing partner (a woman) but I seriously doubt she read it, simply for the comments in it. Knowing her, and having worked with her extensively, I believe she would not approve of these comments, or the broad rating.
NYNY
So do you see “take better care of (your)self” to mean cowboy up and don’t get emotional?
platinomad
Yeah, similar to many of the posters, I would assume this is about stress management/work life balance rather than appearance unless I had a reason to believe otherwise. I am a management consultant and have had to have conversations with my team about this topic that could informally be described as “take better care of yourself”, however this is not something I would ever write in a formal review. I have often had discussions with younger team members reporting to me about how you depict stress, how to set realistic timelines and push back, and the running issue of people not understanding diminishing returns and spending 10 more hours on something that could have just been handed off to the next level at 98%. At my firm, if you are working more than 60 hours a week regularly, you are doing something wrong. And if you are making everyone know you are doing that, you are REALLY doing something wrong.
But I think that wording is callous and doesn’t speak to the larger issue which I normally characterize as “managing work”. Or maybe this is some crazy sexist appearance comment, but that’s not where my head goes.
Saoirse
Thanks, all. I do see this as a “manage your stress and balance better… in a way that doesn’t make me look like a poor manager.”
My big objection is that this is a subject for informal coaching (as several of you have highlighted), not something that should appear in a formal review, and as criticism.
Discussion in 2 hours…
anonymous
please report back! good luck :)
Anonymous
My only thought, which doesn’t make it appropriate, is if your friend is sick a lot. I’ve had some people make that comment because I am sick all the time. Then I politely inform them my medical condition that makes me sick all the time isn’t their business.
c
Any suggestions for a horn book on employee benefits/ERISA?
Greensleeves
Do you have access to a legal library or firm resources or are you looking to buy something? The Tax Management Portfolio series has several on benefits issues and I believe one is a general ERISA overview. At the other end of the spectrum is the ERISA Outline Book by Sal Tripodi. Not cheap or short but extremely thorough. I’m out of the office and out of time at the moment, but I’ll post again if I think of any other suggestions.
Totally Anon
I need relationship advice. Hoping all of you fabulous, overachieving women can help me here…
I’ve been in a relationship with my SO for 2 years and 2 months now. There has been a lot of drama involving his ex. She has stalked me, cyber-bullied me, faked a terminal illness, threatened suicide, and (strangely) my home was burglarized (and stolen items were strictly jewelry, designer bags, and expensive bottles of champagne). I can’t say with certainty that she had my house robbed, but I do know she’s found my address and driven to my home before and I live in a quiet suburban town where robberies don’t happen, and I don’t know of many thieves who rob homes for jewelry, purses, and champagne. Anyway, to sum it up, this woman is sort of a loser on paper. No education, a HS diploma, works now as a receptionist somewhere, has a kid, married and divorced by age 20, and always finds herself in a crisis or another or needing to be rescued, helped, etc. When she found out we were dating, she went nuts and I suspect it had more to do with the blow to her ego (that he had “upgraded” for someone with fancy ivy degrees, a professional career, a nice home, designer clothes, well traveled, etc.) – all things she alluded to through her cyber-bullying.
Anyway, in the past 2 years, I almost feel like SO has not taken my side on this issue. He has felt guilty for leaving her, for a while believed all of the lies about her terminal illness (which ended up being fabricated), etc. I have been through a lot of what I believe to be emotional abuse – and I am angry and resentful.
I find that we are always arguing and he is always trying to tell me that my I shouldn’t think I’m “better than” anybody else. It’s as if he is still protecting this woman’s image or honor by way of putting me down or minimizing my accomplishments. I also note that when he is stressed, he tends to lash out and pick fights with me about innocuous things just to explode and let out whatever steam is building in his own mind over his own issues.
Something to note – his is a well educated, super attractive person who has battled with depression and anxiety. I have helped him to get his self esteem together, go to therapy, and get on anti depressants, which have made a big impact. He was unemployed and basically destitute when I met him, and now he’s figured out a path in life and has started working again and kicking off a new career as a teacher. I feel like I’ve helped him a lot despite getting no credit or gratitude.
I know he cares for me deeply – but his behavior and the fact that this woman is still a topic of discussion or someone he is even remotely concerned about are deal breakers to me. I asked him yesterday to end things and we haven’t spoken since… I miss him already, but I know this is not healthy for me and that I deserve better.
Am I overreacting?
cc
What? no you are not overreacting. It should never have gone on for two years. Stay far, far away from him and her. I would start seeing a therapist too, there is no need for you to have to rescue boyfriends. Its one thing to be supportive when someone is going through a tough time, another to rescue them to the detriment of your self and your champagne.
Samoyed
Totally Anon, I’m sorry you are going through this, but oh my does this ring all the alarm bells. Your dude a) doesn’t respect the boundaries of your relationship b) doesn’t seem to be a real partner to you. This sounds like an unhealthy situation. You deserve a loving, healthy relationship and it sounds from your note that this is not one. The statement ‘you don’t get extra credit for a fixer upper’ resonated with me and maybe it will with you too. You need to protect yourself and find something worth your time and energies.
Baconpancakes
Sidenote – I really hated that they put that song in Frozen. I found it incredibly offensive.
Samoyed
must be the only one on the internet who hasn’t seen this movie!
Anonymama
What song?!
anon
no
Anon in NYC
You are not overreacting. You were right to end things. From what you’ve written, it sounds like your ex feels intensely inferior to you and is trying to boost his self-esteem by putting you down (i.e., by constantly trying to put you down or telling you to not be proud of your achievements). That is not about this woman and perhaps you are conflating the two. However, your ex is allowing this woman to have undue influence and control over his life. Perhaps because it is a self-esteem boost to be the “accomplished” one in the relationship.
I have stayed in relationships with guys who were emotional wrecks because they have had everything I wanted on paper. Don’t waste your time missing him. Maybe get some therapy to process everything that has happened.
Other
Yikes! Re-read your post – you never mentioned one positive thing he did for you. Putting aside all the ex stuff, you deserve to be with someone who brings something – ANYTHING – positive to your life. I assume you didn’t intend to write it that way, but you didn’t even give a passing reference to “….but at least he makes me laugh so much!” or whatever. When the scales are tipped so significantly in one direction, time to move on.
Diana Barry
+1. In addition, you may want to seek therapy for why you would stay involved with such a fixer-upper, drama-seeking SO.
L
So based on your post,
1. You do act like you’re better than her (and maybe other people). And maybe that’s true, by your standards, but I can see how it rubs someone the wrong way.
2. He’s a jerk and treating you like crap. DTMF already.
HSAL
Yep, I was hoping to see this analysis in the comments. Agree entirely.
anonymous
Channeling Dan Savage – DTMFA
AIMS
I agree. Why did you stay in this relationship for this long? You say he cares for you and that you miss him, but what are you getting out of this other than drama and emotional abuse?
rosie
I don’t see how your educations/occupations/etc. are relevant here. She has stalked you (and cyber-bullied you, faked the illness, and threatened suicide). That’s a big problem. If your SO does not recognize that, it’s time to move on.
Baconpancakes
DTMFAMO.
My Stepkids' Mom
I won’t opine about whether you should stay or go; only you can decide that. However, when dealing with similar issues (I am almost nine years in), and especially in the early years when I was faced with conduct and dynamics I had never before seen, I found these books really helpful:
1. Christine Lawson, “Understandin the Borderline Mother.” Really great description of what women like his ex do and why. A good guide book for a traveler to a foreign land.
2. Randi Kreger, “Essential Family Guide to BPD.” Ditto but more practical guidance.
3. Wednesday Martin, “Stepmonster” — the chapter about your husband (I forget the exact chapter title).
The key for us is that DH and I are committed to dealing with this as a team. We brainstorm possible responses to each episode of chaos with our family goals (stability for the kids, peace in our house, minimal contact with her) in mind. Then he deals with her , but only as much as necessary to meet our goals. I cannot stress enough how essential the partnership is. If I felt we were not working together, it would not work – for me, for us, or for the kids.
Good luck.
Wildkitten
You are under-reacting. Run!
Anonymous
I’m attending a conference for a second year and want to up my clothing game a little – the dress is what I’ll call “smart business casual” during the day and “resort casual” at night (clambake). Temps in the 50’s-70’s. Two days, 1 night. I can come up with the resort casual, but would love any fresh ideas for SBC. My usual style is conservative with a twist, to slightly preppy. I’m a 16 hourglass and shop a lot at Talbots now. Budget is maybe $200-300 since I can wear a lot of it again. Any ideas?
rosie
Do you usually wear blazers? If not, what about a linen blazer for one day, and a three-quarter sleeve ponte blazer the other day?
AIMS
Look at shirtdresses, very in right now and Talbots has a few. Also maybe something in eyelet or a pretty blouse like this one that you can pair with cropped pants or a skirt (I also like the necklace they paired with it): http://www.talbots.com/online/browse/product_details.jsp?id=prdi34731&N=4294966578+10157+11571&selectedConcept=Misses&_=1430158806660&Nrpp=134&ViewAll=True&Nr=AND(product.siteId%3ATalbotsSite%2COR(product.catalogId%3Acatalog20002))
mascot
There’s a lot going on in this so I’m sure where to begin. If the ex is stalking you, involve the police. I also don’t think that break-ins involving jewelry, designer bags and pricey wine are oh so unusual- all of that stuff is easy to carry, easy to sell. I’d also add cash, prescription drugs, weapons and electronics to that list. People don’t tend to steal furniture.
Clearly you think that you are better than the ex, but he saw something in her. You are being pretty harsh on her. It’s hard to have fancy clothes and trips when you are in a lower paying job as a single parent. I think repeatedly putting down people’s exes can sound a lot like you are questioning their judgement. It’s great that he’s gotten help with his depression and gotten his life together. But, what kind of credit are you looking for here? People help people they care about, no?
Sydney Bristow
Woah Kat/Kate, I’m seeing the mobile version on my phone now and the comments aren’t showing up as threaded. It makes things very difficult to follow. Just wanted to point it out in case you are working out some issues.
Kat G
We’re doing a post to alert everyone — we’re still working the kinks out on the mobile theme. The comments are threaded, but we’re trying to improve the way it looks. Thank you for your patience.
Sydney Bristow
I know what caused my first comment to not show up but not the second.
New mobile version isn’t threading comments.
Baconpancakes
Testing – had two comments go into mod without anything I can think of that would be flagged.