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Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Bouclé Blazer

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A light-skinned woman with long black hair wearing a black-and-white boucle blazer, white blouse, and black pants

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

I think we can all agree that Smythe really knows how to do a dramatic blazer. This bouclé blazer is a lot of look, but paired with some neutral pieces, I think it could work in even the most formal of offices.

The perfect tailoring and flattering fit would look beautiful with a basic black sheath, but I would also love a high-low mix with some wide-leg jeans.

The blazer is $1,495 at Smythe and is available in lucky sizes 2–12.

A few more affordable options in regular and plus sizes are this bouclé blazer from Lioness (sizes XXS–XL, $96), this St. John chevron bouclé blazer on major sale (0–18, final sale $380), and this bouclé blazer from Grace Elements (14-22, $65).

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Sales of note for 3/15/25:

  • Nordstrom – Spring sale, up to 50% off
  • Ann Taylor – 40% off everything + free shipping
  • Banana Republic Factory – 40% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Eloquii – 50% off select styles + extra 50% off sale
  • J.Crew – Extra 30% off women's styles + spring break styles on sale
  • J.Crew Factory – 40% off everything + extra 20% off 3 styles + 50% off clearance
  • M.M.LaFleur – Friends and family sale, 20% off with code; use code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 40% off 1 item + 30% off everything else (includes markdowns, already 25% off)

Sales of note for 3/15/25:

  • Nordstrom – Spring sale, up to 50% off
  • Ann Taylor – 40% off everything + free shipping
  • Banana Republic Factory – 40% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Eloquii – 50% off select styles + extra 50% off sale
  • J.Crew – Extra 30% off women's styles + spring break styles on sale
  • J.Crew Factory – 40% off everything + extra 20% off 3 styles + 50% off clearance
  • M.M.LaFleur – Friends and family sale, 20% off with code; use code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 40% off 1 item + 30% off everything else (includes markdowns, already 25% off)

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

314 Comments

    3. + 1. And the alternatives are fun too. I have past-season St. John and Rebecca Taylor jackets with similar fabrics and love them.

  2. New job question: onboarding remotely right before the holidays. I suck at networking and casually letting people know about me, elevating my work etc. How do I remain in touch and keep my network at my current job? How do I actively work on that in the new place? How long is someone “new” at a workplace? Also I am very disorganized. I still haven’t given notice at my current job but feel I will no t be strategic about it given past experiences. Please give me all your tips and advice!

    1. Without knowing the industry, I started a new job mid-pandemic and have only been to the office once. I was hired intentionally to be remote.

      For the first six months or so I’ve rolled with whatever they’ve assigned but right now I’m working on an Associate training/CLE that I think would be helpful but would also be a way to get more name recognition within my particular office and, hopefully, other offices too.

      I think taking initiative to ask someone more senior to your “how can I market myself within [company]” – they will be your best resource on what is a good way to get some attention for your work without you having to figure it out yourself. You don’t have to be particularly social to market yourself within a company, but if you can find the Thing you do better than anyone else, those skills frequently speak for themselves.

    2. You need to figure out what your start date is, how much notice you need to give, and if you want time in between. Then actually give notice on that day.

    3. My best advice would be to get the “very disorganised” thing under control. For example, start thinking about how you will track deliverables in the new job. Then more broadly, how will you need to organise your communication to avoid wasting time?

      1. Yeah, stop with the negative self talk. I used to tell myself things like “I suck at networking” and looking back, I could just kick myself. All networking is, is keeping in touch with people and being friendly instead of hiding away in your office. I wish I’d figured that out 40 years ago. And “I am very disorganized” is just not okay in 99% of jobs. You need to figure out how to get your act together instead of leaning in to “I am disorganized” as an immutable characteristic.

        1. 100% this (and much more kindly stated than my “girl, get your ish together and knock it off” thought)

          1. conflict averse is the phrase not disorganized. is disrespectful to your current gig. do get ish together.

            flaky is a bad look

    4. You have a window at the new job to take the initiative and introduce yourself to the people who need to know you. Have a plan for how you are going to do that in the first couple of weeks.

      1. This. No-one will think it’s weird if you march up to them and say “hi, I’m XXXX, I’m new in YYY” for the first few weeks in your new job.

  3. Paging Sarah Lawrence Visiting Logistics
    I missed the discussion on Friday but I grew up down the street from Sarah Lawrence (SLC) so wanted to share my thoughts.
    Up to you on whether you want to take a Amtrak vs fly. Personally, I’d take Amtrak for less hassle + cost savings, especially when you factor in cost of taxi from the airport.
    There aren’t any hotels near Bronxville. If you REALLY wanted to stay nearby, you could stay at the Hyatt Place at Cross County Mall and taxi from there to campus, but that wouldn’t be my first choice. I suggest you stay in Manhattan, preferably midtown and take Metro-North from Grand Central to Bronxville (about 30-45 min depending on express vs local). This would make Amtrak much more convenient.
    You can walk safely from the train station to SLC. Would probably take 20 min (walking uphill for much of the time), and would be a good thing for the prospective student to experience first-hand how long it takes to walk to/from town. The other options would be to take a local taxi from the train station or call an Uber/Lyft. The local taxi company has shared taxis so you just tell them you have 2 people going to SLC admissions building, and you might get put in a taxi with other people going the same direction, but maybe not if it’s not a busy time of day (this may have changed post-COVID but not positive).
    It’s a cute downtown and has some places that would be good to grab lunch and you can walk around downtown pretty quickly, maybe 20 min to see everything downtown. Some food recommendations would be bagels for breakfast from Park Place Bagels or Slave to the Grind (local coffee shop, very popular with SLC students); and lunch at Langes (deli), Il Bacio (pizza/Italian), or Haiku (Asian fusion).

    1. OP here –
      Thank you so much for taking the time to write! This information is so helpful! I hope you have a really nice Thanksgiving!

  4. Looking to make a sports bra upgrade. Active runner, but all of the bras I’ve found for high impact exercise have an underwire, which I would not prefer. Any recs?

    1. My favorites are by Moving Comfort/Brooks. They don’t make my all-time favorite, the Vixen, anymore, but occasionally I grab one on Poshmark. I’m a 36 B, for what it’s worth, and do mostly longer distances.

    2. I’ve been happy with my Under Armour bras. The ones I have are labeled medium impact, but the girls aren’t going anywhere, so I wouldn’t discount something based on the label!

      1. I have the high impact one from Under Armour, and I love it. It does sort of feel like wearing armor, but everything stays in place. And I don’t get any chafing.

    4. I love independent brand Lynx sports bras. I have had great luck — they’re my only high-impact running (and everything else) sports bra I used for the last 8 years. I’ve used them during triathlons (I don’t own a tri suit) and they’re great for the swim/bike/run transition. I’ve ranged from 30FF-34Gish and still had support. Definitely measure yourself before buying and use their weird sizing system.

      The only downside is that they aren’t separate cups; they’re uniboob city, and if you can’t reach behind your back to do your bra clasp, they won’t work for you.

      1. I was just going to recommend them, too. And this is the ONLY time of year they ever have a sale.

    5. Lululemon Enlite bra or AirSupport bra. From an avid runner who hates underwire and is an E cup.

      1. This ^^. I’m a bit smaller at a C and also love the Energy Bra. Size down for a little extra compression if you need that.

    6. The AC bra from Title 9 is perfect and it has sewn-in pads (very thin ones), not the horrible bulky removable kind.

    7. The air support one from Lulu if you have a bigger cup, the high support energy (must be high support version) is great too and less expensive, but the air support is the best, IMO.

    9. My new favorite is the Chantelle high impact wireless sports bra. No underwire, racerback, very supportive. Also very uplifting and give me a nice shape (not the uni-boob). I’m a 32C/D and do a lot of running.

  5. I bought a pair of combat style boots and they magically helped me get dressed faster this morning and my feet and warm and comfy. This is a cheap pair and maybe the best $40 I’ve spent lately.

    1. If you have a bit to spare, this is a good thing to spend some money on. I practically live in my Thursday Vanguard boots (very entry level among men who are into shoes, but perfectly good). They take abuse and subsequent polish like a champ, can be resoled, and look great in business casual or jeans. Mine are going on 4 years old, due for a resole, but otherwise, still keep my feet warm, dry and comfortable. I’ve worn some sort of boots my whole life, but if you’ve primarily lived in sneakers and women’s dress shoes, your feet may have a bit of a learning curve (think, the difference between squishy/soft and supportive).

      1. They are the So brand at Kohl’s and are OMG $20 today. Not leather (but hey, “vegan”). Mine are the Kimberleyy model, but others are good. Mine were very well reviewed at The Mom Edit and those people have never steered me wrong on footwear.

          1. Yes! The name is cringe central, but I love that they fit my duck feet and I can wear with socks.

          2. How do the ankles run width wise? Old ankle Injury here meaning I need a little room in the ankles

            Great pick

          3. My ankles are super tiny, so I think that may not run wide. There is a stretchy elastic gore in the back, so maybe worth a try-on. Or going to a lace-up style.

    3. I’d love to know which ones. My “new” Docs from a few years ago are showing some wear and tear in the soles (because my dog chewed on them but whatever) and I have another pair that need to go to the cobblers so a back-up pair would be great.

  6. What’s your opinion of fully remote firms? In particular firms that have an eat what you kill model. I’ve talked to a couple of people and it sounds like the pay is great and they work less. But there seem to be pretty significant downsides, like the lack of a regular paycheck and (for me) questionable maternity leave. Then again, if I were making 3x what I’m making now, then mat leave might not be such an issue. I’m pretty torn and wondering if anyone has experience with this kind of model.

    2. Do you have an established client base? Do you have a niche speciality practice? Are there firms reputable? Do they have mentorship and business sharing opportunities? How do they market for your practice area? Do they have any juniors? I personally would not start at a new firm with 100% eat what you kill unless I already have a good amount of clients willing to follow me.

      1. +1, these are all great questions. DH is a partner at an eat what you kill firm but he would not be able to do his job remotely. So much of it depends on networking and being able to cultivate those relationships. Obviously that took a different form during the pandemic, but unless you have a solid book established already, I would be wary.

    3. Unless you already have some “kills” on the hook (I’m mixing metaphors here) – but unless you have a book of business, you should assume arrangements like this are basically solo practitioners pretending to be a firm and proceed with caution.

        1. Yeah, this is a real sign of something and I’m not sure if it is the impending apocalypse or not.

          BUT HI! I didn’t think anyone would know me anymore and was waiting to see if someone did.

          Also, is there a FAQ with the current moderation rules, all my links are getting moderated.

          1. I find that mostly links get moderated these days, except when they don’t. Not much help, I know…

    4. I would assess what kind of associate support you will have. Most partners who move to firms like this end up without good support and answering their own interrogatories.

    5. I’m not an attorney, I’m in a niche field of finance. I’m a solo practitioner consultant now after a lifetime of corporate work. There is a firm in my field who works as you describe. Eat what you kill but you give some to the overlord for overhead/insurance/profit. I didn’t really see the need so I just bought my own insurance and formed my own LLC (which was easy, I just used Legal Zoom.) Have you considered doing that? Why give someone a % of your billing if there’s not much they do for that %.

      My biggest issue has honestly been accounts receivable, which is sort of disappointing because I know my clients personally.

  7. I have an as-of-now completely unscheduled 3 days, but a full to do list. Any tips for motivating myself/being productive? I expect a couple appointments to pop up on Weds. I will go to the office today for a change of location but dang, I’m tired and unmotivated…

    1. If you are talking work things, I like to start with a couple of easy, finite tasks – if I can get a couple of easy things done, it kind of starts the ball rolling for getting more difficult things done.

      1. Can you batch a bunch of online admin stuff and work from a coffee shop or library? I like to do a bunch of small things at once. Also, take advantage of the lack of meetings and get a walk or run at lunchtime.

    2. Long to-do lists never work for me. One technique that does is categorizing tasks by big, medium and little. The theory, which seems true in my case, is that you can do one big, three medium and five little tasks in a day. Once you have them categorized, you can add the prioritized tasks to your calendar. Good luck!

    3. When I find my to-do list is overwhelming just looking at it, I break it off into smaller lists. So I normally have a list of things that need to get done that week and then if I need it even further down, I break it down to daily. If I accomplish everything on the daily, I’ll evaluate depending on the time of day (is it still early and I can pick and choose what’s next or do I really only have half an hour to my day left, so I just faff around a bit).

      But I also like the big/medium/small breakdown that Anon at 10:17 listed.

    4. I’ve tried every method ever, and the only thing that works for me is to brain dump to a to-do list, then put it away in a drawer or somewhere I can’t see it and work on the first thing, then move on to the next, etc. The more time I spend worrying about what order to do things in, the more overwhelmed and stuck I get and nothing gets done.

  8. I’ve heard unions are bargaining over the effects of mandatory vaccine policies. What does that mean? Like do the unions negotiate which accommodation forms are used? Or get more paid time off?

    1. Paid time off to get vaccinated, paid time off for side effects, negotiating accommodations in advance

    2. They are bargaining things like: what happens if you are mid-vaccine when the deadline hits, if you aren’t vaccinated are you terminated or put in layoff status, do people have recall rights if the mandate changes, do they need to use PTO if they get sick from the vaccine, etc.

    4. I read some unions were pushing for better long term disability coverage (especially for jobs that are relatively incompatible with chronic illness).

      1. what does that have to do with the vaccine? or they are just trying to use this as an opportunity to negotiate?

        1. Most union contracts have provisions in them that basically require the employer to bargain over any new work conditions/requirements. It really doesn’t matter what the condition is – the principle is employer can’t just impose new work requirements without negotiating first. It’s a fairly important concept. I’m actually surprised that any union side employers, esp. states/local governments, would risk undermining their ability to impose mandates by not engaging in some basic bargaining first. They don’t have to actually come to an agreement, btw, just engage in the process (at least that’s my understanding; I am sure someone will correct me if that’s not the case).

          1. I think there’s plenty of Unions who would strike based on a mandate if it didn’t come with collective bargaining as well.

            Oh, and hi AIMS!

  9. Help me dress my husband. He has asked for my help in putting together a grown up casual wardrobe. He mostly wears old Levi’s that are too loose (not sure if they’ve loosened with age or if they were always the wrong size), graphic t-shirts, and hiking boots. I tried to take him shopping a few months ago and it was a bit of a disaster. He got overwhelmed and wanted to get out of the store ASAP. He ended up buying a lovely looking pair of loafers, but he’s basically never worn them; I suspect they’re uncomfortable. I’d like to get him a few things for Christmas but I’m not sure where to start. I don’t know anything about mens fashion and I’m not even sure of his size because nothing fits him properly. Help?

    1. Maybe take a day and go people watching with him, and *don’t* shop. Head out for coffee, museums, walks at parks and wherever else people in your city tend to turn up. You and he both can look at people and identify what likes/would look good on him, then go from there.
      The holiday shopping season is a damn fine time for people watching.

        1. There’s no harm in that (TBH, that’s mostly my look, but with jeans that fit and well-made, kept up boots). It’s a good way to see the difference between the present situation and stuff that actually fits.

    2. Take him to Nordstrom for a pre-arranged session with a personal shopper. Tell the shopper ahead of time what your price range is, what you want to find, and how your husband reacted in the past. It is the professional’s job to have items ready in the fitting room when you arrive and to keep things moving along. It does not cost anything extra. This means you both stay together in the fitting room area and let the employee run out to get more things (or different sizes) as needed. It’s a great way to shop.

      1. I hear you, I love the personal shopper experience, but I don’t think I can get him there. He completely shuts down when he gets overwhelmed. He’ll say yes to everything just to get out of there and end up with a bunch of stuff he’ll never wear.

        1. I dragged my husband to a Nordies because he kept buying shoes that fell apart because his feet are weird and wide.

          The Nordies associate was able to figure out why leather shoes never were comfortable on him (it has something to do with the tongue under the laces, whether it’s fixed or not). He now has several lovely pairs of shoes from Allen Edmonds which, while they are a splurge, last forever. (I also have a couple pairs of Allen Edmonds because if you’re a men’s size 7, they rarely run out and they have great sales).

          3. +3 to my own suggestion because if anything goes wrong with them, they repair or replace. I have a pair of WWI-era style combat boots that need to be resoled and have just been lazy about taking them to the store.

    3. My comfort-loving husband lives in the Ecco slip-on sneakers I bought him as an upgrade from his hiking shoes.

      On the Levi’s, the issue might be the style, not the size. If they fit in the waist but are too baggy in the seat and legs, try a slimmer cut.

      If your husband likes wearing t-shirts, you are never going to convince him to wear a polo shirt or the kind of shirt that will get me into mod. I like the plain t-shirts from J Crew and J Crew Factory; they are soft and have a nice fit that is neither too tight nor too loose. For winter, he may like fine-gauge cotton sweaters and quarter-zips.

      A very plain high-quality leather belt will also elevate the jeans look.

    4. I think you need to start with getting better versions of what he’s already comfortable wearing. So better fitting, stylish jeans. Comfortable shirts that aren’t grungy graphic tees. Maybe a desert boot or fashionable sneaker versus hiking boots. A comfortable well fitting jacket. You could honestly accomplish this solely through J crew and patagonia.

      1. This approach has worked with my husband. Gap, J Crew Factory, Banana are all good sources for comfy, casual things that are nicer versions of what he was wearing.

        1. same here. i bought mine some vuori shirts which were insanely comfy and look much better than his old stuff.

      2. +1. I think upgrade everything and include one step up items. For example, chukka boots over hiking ( I honestly would save the hiking boots for actual hiking only), better jeans but also maybe some nice chinos (J Crew has good ones) and a pair of corduroys (also J Crew). Non-graphic t-shirts and a couple of casual button downs.

        1. Good ideas. In general, I find the total makeover idea to not pan out well (for men or women). I say this as someone who used to try to convince myself to dress fancier than I really am. We all like what we like.

    5. my husband is casual and he pretty much exclusively wears the prana brion pants, dressy sneakers, and a Henley or sweater in the cool weather. His raggedy Levi’s are reserved for weekend yardwork.
      You could try something like Duluth trading or an REI for a more fancy rugged look.

    6. I’d hit up LL Bean and Duluth and see what they have that works for him, maybe BR or REI as well. It sounds like he doesn’t want to wear anything fancy or fussy and ordering online is probably the way to go. Put a measuring tape around his waist or order a size down in his current pants. My husband wears a lot of pants from LL Bean or Prana.

    7. This is spendy, but very good for inspiration (they have an insta account that is good). When I ever get stumped, I look at this and get some ideas and try to find something that works from LL Bean or Duluth.

      https://www.taborclt.com/

    8. Mine signed up for Stitch Fix. After a while they kept sending the same stuff in different colors but for the first few months it really helped overhaul without a lot of work on my end.

      1. Same, only mine signed up for Trunk Club (Nordstrom’s version of Stitch Fix). They really upped his game in a major way. It was spendy but he didn’t mind (he spends a fortune on his suits so it didn’t shock him the way it shocked me).

    9. I think the people watching and the Nordstrom shopper are good ideas. However, this is also where good, old fashioned catalogue shopping is great and can be done from the comfort of the couch. If you don’t get them already, I’d ask your neighbors if any of the have J Crew, LL Bean, Duluth Trading Company, etc…. And the get an idea of colors and styles that appeal to him. You can each go through the catalogues separately, and pick out things and then trade and see what the other has picked.

    10. Soo this is no shade to you at all and it sounds like you are doing a very kind thing but what’s up with so many posts regularly like ‘help me dress my husband’? Why is it so common that women are doing this kind of thing for their adult husbands who presumably have jobs and care a decent amount what they look like because we live in a society? Seriously what is the deal – is this women aren’t attracted to their husbands so instead of asking the man to do something about it, I guess assuming he won’t, they do it themselves?

      I just can’t at all imagine this scenario with the genders reversed.

      1. She says he asked her to help him.

        My husband outsources his shopping to me because he hates it and is not good at it. I understand his style and can find him high-quality things he likes at good prices. If he goes shopping for himself he gets overwhelmed, buys the first thing he sees, and then never wears it because he doesn’t actually like it.

        1. With men, I have always had a hard time distinguishing between “he gets overwhelmed” and “he just thinks someone else (usually a woman) should take care of this for him.” I see this dynamic in and out of the workplace and I am pretty skeptical about it now.

        2. OK yes I can see how competence might play into this and just outsourcing to someone who is (also socially condition to be) much better at it. Understood

      2. I ask my husband to do stuff that I don’t want to do all the time. How is this different?

      3. I’ll take the bait. In my world, guys have work clothes (business casual/professional) or very casual clothes for yard work or outdoor activities. There actually isn’t that much of a market available for smart casual clothes for guys that aren’t just half zip from Costco or the same Goodfellow polo shirt from Target, or really breaking the bank designer duds or rich-casual chinos + sports coat. So, this is the male equivalent of years ago, help me find a suit that is between the Limited quality and Boss/Theory – there just isn’t much. Long way of saying, what she is looking for is something that even otherwise put together guys at work struggle with finding and his getting overwhelmed is completely natural.

        1. Heck, I get overwhelmed with that middle-ground of dressing! I’m in athleisure or work wear like 90% of the time. So that middle ground for casual social activities has never been my strong suit. I’ve gotten better at learning how to re-style some of my work pieces for more casual wear, but it rarely works the other way around.

        2. +1 to all of this. I pay more attention to clothes and shopping, so when my husband needs help with a new outfit for work or casual wear, he asks for help and I give it. I needed a new laptop last year and wasn’t sure what to get. He works in IT and knows a lot more about computers than I do, so he did a bunch of research for me and sent me links to several he thought would meet my needs; I bought the one I liked best. Then we needed to buy a storage and organization system for our garage, and neither of us knew what the best options were, so we researched together and bought what we thought would work best. This is called “cooperative problem-solving” and it is a standard operating practice for people in any type of relationship, romantic, friendship, professional, etc. Hopefully people are engaging in it at work also, or I don’t think they’re going to be very successful in their careers.

          This idea that if a man asks for help about anything ever, it means they are an incompetent man-baby who is looking for a mommy, is pretty ridiculous. I have said this before (and since it’s not stopping, imma keep saying it) but some of the “boys are incompetent, stupid and unnecessary” messaging around here has gone way over the top. There are incompetent man-babies out there but they don’t comprise 99% of the male population, and a man asking for help isn’t an indicator he is lazy, incompetent or mooching off a woman. There’s a pretty gross gender stereotype inherent in that belief, which is that there’s one version of a way a man can be perceived as a confident, competent man and that’s to never ask for help about anything ever. Pretty toxic and I believe we’re all supposed to have moved past those kinds of facile stereotypes now. Just like we’re supposed to be past the ideas that women are inherently bad at math or make all their decisions emotionally.

          1. I agree that cooperative problem-solving is very appropriate in work and romantic relationships. And I have no issue with couples picking out clothes together. What I have observed, though, is men routinely shirking “details” (i.e., actually doing the nitty-gritty execution) to women, both in personal and professional relationships, and that is the part that I object to when it is consistent. I also do not see negative consequences for men who do this. Quite the opposite — they get promoted for “leadership skills” and “big picture contributions” and live comfortable, balanced lives that involve going to work, where they talk a lot and “make decisions” and leave at the close of business, leaving others to execute everything, and then go home where they change into the casual clothes their wife bought them with their “input” and eat dinner after “deciding” there will be steak for dinner but not buying or cooking anything. Admittedly, these observations are largely based on an older demographic, but it is the one I grew up observing/working with, so yeah, I am skeptical of the “he gets overwhelmed” explainer. Here’s an example — I am a lawyer and I had to spend a weekend doing work on a case I am not actually staffed on (but for my own client, so I cared), because the two men who are staffed on it were “overwhelmed” by having to look through a pile of documents and a long historical record. It was total BS but they made it very clear it was “too overwhelming” and it was not going to get done unless I did it — at the last minute, on a short fuse, with no greater background knowledge than they have. The person at my level who shirked this off on me spent his weekend working on his house. And no, there was not anyone to delegate to and I can’t fire them from the firm or the case for a multitude of real reasons.

    11. I’d start with jeans. Just buy new jeans. If you live somewhere that has a store that only sells jeans, go there. If not, yeah, Nordstrom. If he gets overwhelmed by going into stores at all, then shop together online at Nordstrom, buy several sizes and cuts, and try them all on at home. This isn’t my favorite approach, but it may be necessary here.
      Fixing the jeans will start making him look a lot better. And once he has had success with jeans, then move on to shirts. Repeat the same process with shirts. And then I’d tackle shoes last because I think that’s going to require a trip into the stores. But perhaps you guys could go shopping on a Monday afternoon/evening after the new year when everything is quieter in the stores.

    12. I helped my husband get from hiking gear to business casual. I would try on a few brands and sizes in the comfort of your home to figure out what fits him, and then for Fall get a new pair of jeans and a new pair of cords and see if he likes them, and if he will wear them with the loafers. Don’t buy a bunch of stuff until you know those work. I did a similar project by getting a bunch of pants from Zappos so he could try different brands on without having to venture out.

    13. My husband swears by Lucky Brand. They have lots of comfy graphic tees and jeans. For shoes, how about AllBirds. They are stylish and comfy.
      Whatever brand you use, I think you will need to buy things for him to try on at home, then return what doesn’t work. Maybe buy two sizes if you are not sure. I too get overwhelmed shopping and trying on in person (I fainted into a department store rack once as a kid and never liked it). Trying on at home is much better for me. He can try things on at at time when he is not stressed, in a familiar environment, wear things around for a few hours to see if the jeans are really comfortable while sitting, can take the time to decide whether he really likes something, etc. It may take more schlepping back and forth but will likely have better results.
      Just keep in mine which brands are easy for returns by mail or if you have a store nearby for returns. Nordstroms has free shipping and free returns.

      1. And, not well known, but USPS will pick up from your front door! Of course, this depends on where you live, and the security of your front porch/door, but with Nordstrom giving return labels, packing the goods and requesting a pickup at USPS.gov is the easiest thing ever.

    14. What exactly is overwhelming to him? Being in a store with a lot of people? Having a million things to choose from in the store? Trying on a million things? Having to make decisions on the spot? Is he having sticker shock?

      Can you talk to him about what exactly he is finding stressful and then work around that? If it’s trying on a ton in a fitting room, then take his measurements and buy a bunch of stuff online to try at home at his own pace, and assume you will return a bunch. If it’s just the store environment (tons of people and having to pick what to try on from all the merchandise available), then it seems like the Nordies personal shopper thing might work. If none of those are particularly overwhelming, but he doesn’t like having to make decisions on the spot, then agree in advance that he doesn’t have to buy anything unless he absolutely loves it and wants to pull the trigger, but you can take down the info of the stuff he’s considering and can buy it later. If it’s sticker shock, talk in advance about how much certain items might cost and what he’s willing to pay (e.g., up to $100 for jeans, $40 for nice tees) and set an overall budget.

      If he says he’s “overwhelmed” but that’s really code for “I don’t want to spend any time on this and just want to snap my fingers and have new clothes” then that’s a different problem and he needs to get over himself.

      I also agree with others about flipping through catalogs or online stores to see what stores carry and what looks he likes. That will help you narrow down the kinds of things to look for, whether it’s an upgrade of what he’s wearing now or introducing a new wardrobe item (sweaters, polos, etc.).

      1. The third paragraph is spot on. Having a nice wardrobe and dressing nicely doesn’t just happen, alas. You have to put in the time and the effort.

      2. This is good advice. My husband wants me to come shopping with him and I hate it so I take his measurements, send him a few suggested links and he orders online.

        I hated suit shopping most of all so he had some suits and shirts made at a tailor and now just sends them to be copied every time he needs new suits or shirts!

    15. There’s nothing wrong with a pair of jeans and a graphic tee worn with hiking boots. The key is that they’re not falling apart and they fit well. I don’t think a complete makeover is the ticket here. Just get him better versions of what you know he will wear, and then maybe add some “third pieces” for a finished look, whether that’s a flannel shirt worn open, a technical fabric jacket, or my pick, a quarter zip or button pullover. I will link a couple I like. A man wearing that outfit would look perfectly put together as long as everything fits.

      1. https://www.backcountry.com/fjallraven-lada-sweater-mens?CMP_SKU=FJR006I&MER=0406&skid=FJR006I-DARNAVNV-L&mr:trackingCode=7147C65C-FE74-E611-80F8-005056944E17&mr:referralID=NA&mr:device=m&mr:adType=plaonline&CMP_ID=PLA_GMm001&utm_source=Google&utm_medium=PLA&k_clickid=_k_CjwKCAiAnO2MBhApEiwA8q0HYb677fudyhJ4UTH8WSqPQWZrx3wjwSfRF5fJTmRRaQ4DrDd4teJ-fBoCwr4QAvD_BwE_k_&utm_id=go_cmp-10753578909_adg-110028160750_ad-454277601522_aud-1142580333489:pla-379041250922_dev-m_ext-_prd-FJR006I-DARNAVNV-L&gclid=CjwKCAiAnO2MBhApEiwA8q0HYb677fudyhJ4UTH8WSqPQWZrx3wjwSfRF5fJTmRRaQ4DrDd4teJ-fBoCwr4QAvD_BwE

        I’ve seen this in person and it’s gorgeous. The wool is very soft and would be perfect for anyone who won’t wear wool because it’s “poky.” (You didn’t say your husband has sensory issues but a lot of fussy dressers do, plus the getting overwhelmed in stores)

        1. That’s fantastic. I just ordered it in navy for my husband for Christmas. And I couldn’t agree more about “upgrade what he has and wears already,”

        2. That’s going on my shortlist for my husband as well, it’s right up his alley :)

    16. There’s a website called put this on – I think I actually learned about this site from there, looking for a “put this on for women”. Lots of stylish dudes and helpful info there – maybe he can peruse their insta and see if he likes anything? It’s fairly down-to-earth and not tooo intimidating vs.styleforum or something like that.

  10. I am thinking of creating a donor advised fund before end of year for my charitable giving. Anyone done this and have opinions about best provider (I’ve been looking at Schwab and Fidelity)? Anyone done it and regretted it?
    I’m not hugely wealthy or anything (I’ll only be putting in about $5K) but it seems like the account fees are less than the credit card fees would be if I donated by credit card as usual, and that it is advantageous taxwise. This is new territory for me so would love advice before I take the plunge.

    1. I created a DAF a few years ago, right before the tax laws changed so we wouldn’t itemize anymore. We used Fidelity, no regrets. I have automated quarterly giving and then do other donations manually. Super easy and I like being able to give anonymously so I don’t get years of junk mail after one donation.

    2. A tax lawyer friend of mine recommended looking in to Vanguard’s options. They seemed well put together but I believe the minimum was too high for me.

    3. I honestly don’t understand DAFs. They allow you to make a “donation” that doesn’t actually go anywhere. If you want to donate money somewhere, then donate money. If you want to keep it, then pay the taxes. Unless you are saving up because you want to make some sort of big splash donation (name a room at the new building that is being constructed by your favorite charity or something), then what are you actually donating? [Steps down from soap box.]

      1. For us, we donate enough that we can itemize if we stack our donations into every other year but take the standard deduction on alternate years (for example making the 2020 donations on Jan 1 2021 and the 2021 donations on Dec 31 2021). A DAF will allow us to make the donations to charity every year but get the tax break every other year.

        Most of our estate will go the charity and there are some good estate planning options if you make the DAF the beneficiary of your account.

        I’m thinking Vanguard for our DAF because we already have our investments there but I’ve heard their online system is more clunky than Fidelity.

      4. My parents use them as a way to donate all the stocks they have where the cost basis has been lost to moves/time. You might not remember a time before your brokerage firm kept track of that, but, keeping track of the all the pieces of paper necessary (especially if you did dollar cost averaging!) to correctly file taxes when you sell a stock used to be a major major hassle. I’m only 40, and I still have that problem with some stocks I bought when I first started working.

    4. We have one and it’s been pretty cool! Ours is with JPMorgan because that’s where the rest of our banking is done, which is cool because it’s all on the same portal. As I understand it, you take the tax benefit the year you put the money into the fund but then you can dole out the money to individual organizations whenever. Ours is invested and I like that it’s an isolated amount that you can see how it grows so it feels like extra money you get to play with to be even more charitable.

    5. Try Ellevest. I heard the CEO speak, which made me check them out, and their model is a very good one geared toward investing for women and closing the wealth gap. I’ve been very happy.

    6. We created one with Fidelity when the tax laws were changing. Most of my retirement/investment money is with Vanguard, but the minimum amount for a DAF at that time was too high at Vanguard. Maybe that situation has changed?

      I am perfectly happy with the Fidelity account. It’s easy to use, gets the job done.

  11. Any recommendations for a good coffee maker or coffee press? I have an old press that needs to be replaced, and I’m looking for something a step up in quality.

    1. A pour-over cone is less work than a coffee press and makes very good coffee.

      2. +1 Makes excellent coffee and so simple. Pair it with a electric kettle and a burr coffee grinder and you get a great cup of coffee.

    3. ChemEx makes the best drip coffee and it’s so easy to clean and use. Plus, no plastic, which means a reduction in your daily dose of endocrine-disrupting chemicals!

    5. I only ever make one cup at a time so I use a ceramic pour over thing with a paper filter and hey great coffee. It doesn’t break, like all my electric coffee makers did. Mine is from Muji but I know they sell them elsewhere as well. If I was making more than one cup at a time I would get a chemex.

    6. IME the best coffeemaker is the Technivorm Moccamaster. It doesn’t grind beans or have a timer, but it makes any coffee taste good.

      1. This. The one cup Technivorm is the only small coffeemaker I’ve ever had that makes excellent coffee. Caveat: it makes one 8 ounce cup, no more, no less. The large one makes the best home-brewed coffee I’ve ever had.

      2. We have this one. I don’t drink my coffee, but my husband drinks a lot and is very happy with it. We’ve had it for 7 years, still going strong.

      3. +1 The Technivorm is among the best purchases I’ve ever made. It makes really, really good coffee even from cheap non-fancy beans.

      4. Could someone link to the specific technivorm model? How is it better than regular pour-over drip coffee?

        1. I’m not sure if this is what we have, but it looks like it: the KBGV. I don’t know why it’s better, but I swear it is.

  12. Recommendations for Montreal? We’ll be staying for three days near the Sherbrooke metro station, on the border of the Latin Quarter and the Plateau Mont-Royal. Reservations at Au Pied de Cochon for one night already, but looking for some other fun restaurants, patisseries, museums, etc.

    1. Montreal style bagels are far superior to any other bagel out there (New Yorkers don’t know what they’re missing) so please eat bagels, along with smoked meat and poutine for a truly Canadian experience.

      1. Bagels, smoked meat, and poutine are top of my list, hah. Must compare the true Montreal poutine to the versions we can get in Toronto!

    2. We did the climb up Mont Royal for drinks at the top, which was a lot of fun! (Other recs depend on whether you are you going to be there in snow or not?)

      We also went to the Biodome bc I was fascinated by the idea as a kid. Even traveling as ~30yo adults it was worth the quick “side” trip, very easy metro access.

      1. We’re going this week (Thursday-Sunday) so I’m hoping we won’t have snow yet! The Biodoke looks incredible, I had no idea.

      1. Hard to get reservations at Joe Beef, but Liverpool House or Vin Papillon (there more casual options) are good too. In that area I like Candide, Chez Sophie, Junior (phillipino food), Satay Brothers (Singaporean, busy crowd), Rasoi (fancy indian), Nozy (japanese). Strolling along the Lachine Canal with a stop at a local coffee shop (September, Lili & Oli, or Chez Maman). Stop by the Atwater Market (the outdoor dining area will be gone which is unfortunate, but it’s a good spot for local food and maple syrup).
        In the Mile End, go to Fairmount or Saint Viateur bagels (or go to both and pick your favorite). Wilensky’s is a nice alternative to Schwartz (major lines, a bit of a tourist trap). Stroll up Saint Laurent, there are some nice independent shops (Boutique Unicorn, les Etoffes). Old Montreal is worth a trip too – I recommend brunch at Olive & Gourmando (warning: go early or make reservations because it gets really busy on weekends). Have fun!

    4. Go to a Scandinavian spa!!! Not sure what the COVID protocols are like, but we went to the Scandinave Spa Vieux-Montreal several years ago and it was the most relaxing experience I’ve ever had. We also went to the one in Mont Tremblant, and while it was beautiful, it was too cold to really enjoy it.

      1. I like this idea. Spa Bota Bota is on a boat in Old Montreal with spectacular views of the city and indoor/outdoor options. They also have nice massages and facials. If you want to embrace the Canadian experience and sit in a hot tub in the freezing cold, bring a hat (everyone does it – just don’t get it wet).

        1. Came here to rec Bota Bota! Skip the services, just do the water treatment. Cheap (relatively for a spa) and GREAT!

    5. The Basilica is worth the trip if you are at all into beautiful churches, and make sure you go behind the altar to the beautiful modern-style gold chapel. (Its biggest claim to fame is that it’s where Celine Dion got married!)

  13. My law firm is getting rid of WestLaw and just having Alexis. I’m right to consider this an outrage and embarrassment right?

    1. I would hate this. With a passion. In my geographic region, westlaw cites are far more common than lexis cites. And I never learned to use Lexis so it would be a pain.

    3. Eh – I’ve always been in offices with only one or the other. Lexis is definitely worse but they’re both fine.

    4. When I first read this comment, I thought it meant they were getting rid of Westlaw and only using ALEXA…that would be an outrage and an embarrassment. However, I’ve had both Westlaw and Lexis over the years, and currently have Lexis. It’s must better than it used to be and it’s not a big deal at all. I do a lot of research in my job, and I’m surviving.

      1. Hahaha. I, too, was confused on first reading and thought Alexis was some off-brand database and was like WHAT EVEN!? But I agree, while I prefer Westlaw, just Lexis isn’t that bad.

    5. I know you meant Lexis, but this made me think of Alexis Rose helping you find cases. A little bit Alexis…

      3. I’m a legal engine
        When I do my search
        I find citations
        Left in the lurch
        I’m as good as Westlaw
        Even though I’m not
        I’m a little bit, a little bit
        La la la la la la la
        A little bit Lexis

    7. My old firm only used Lexis, and my new firm only uses Westlaw. Honestly, I wouldn’t be outraged by one over the other. They both provide solid, reputable legal research, and it’s easy to learn either. I hadn’t used Lexis in more than a decade when I moved to my new firm and had no issues with the switch. I prefer Westlaw, but it’s not an outrage.

  14. Recommendations for a non-branded wristlet that can hold a cell phone? My mother has asked for one for Christmas and I’d like to get her one of decent quality. I like in general how the Michael Kors Smartphone Wristlet looks (link to follow) but suspect she wouldn’t want something that’s ‘designer branded’. Budget preferably <$150, willing to go up to $200. She has an iPhone 11 (asked for something with 6.5”x3.5” capacity). Thanks for the help!

    4. I would get one of the mini crossbody bags from Leatherology and add a wristlet strap.

      2. The link disappeared but it is this one: Patricia Nash Valentia Smooth Leather Wallet at Macy’s. I think the dimensions are right and I like that it’s a fully usable wallet as well.

      3. One more (without the link since those don’t seem to be working) but the HOBO Act Wristlet at Nordies is a little more spendy but I love it and it’s Italian leather so I’m sure it’s butter-soft. And for the same reason, there are no huge logos.

        Just not sure about the size but it looks like there are a few different versions from the same maker.

        1. Okay, the last thing for real, but Nordstrom’s Rack has the Hobo Act Wristlet as well and it’s half the price of the main store. Though knowing Nordstrom’s, they will likely price-match if you ask.

    9. I have the one from Dagne Dover, and I really like it. High quality, not “branded” at all.

  15. covid booster – i am trying to schedule at walgreens and they are trying to get me to schedule the same manufacturer as my initial doses. if i want to mix and match, do i just lie and check the box for a different vaccine instead? does CVS let you pick?

    2. In my area, different CVS locations have different vaccines, but it was clearly marked Pfizer or Moderna and I selected a store that had the vaccine I wanted

    3. I have mine scheduled at CVS and I got to pick, but any individual store has only one vaccine. The stores near me only had Moderna, so I sort of was forced into mix and match unless I wanted to drive a long ways. I booked my appointment a week ago, and Wednesday was the earliest appointment I could get, so at least in my area they don’t seem super easy to get (I have some work travel suddenly come up in December, so I wanted to get a booster before that).

    4. I ran into the same problem and asked the pharmacist at Walgreens and was explicitly told to lie on the online form about what I had previously and that it would be fine when I came in but was just a glitch in the form. CVS didn’t require me lying, so I went there.

      1. Good for you for maintaining your integrity around this!! I am so tired of a vaccine system designed to make me lie in order to obtain the care I need. I am not a liar. My profession demands that and that is one of the reasons I went into the practice of law — to be able to say that I act with integrity in my personal and professional life. So glad I am not alone in wanting to maintain honor, truth, and integrity no matter what barriers this pandemic and the healthcare providers throw up.

    5. If all else fails try your doctor. I had a visit for something unrelated and she offered me a booster right then.

    6. Walgreens has gotten weird about mix and match, though I was able to get a MRNA shot after having J&J … In my area, CVS, Osco, doctor’s offices, health depts, etc. are all doing mix & match without giving you the same runaround that Walgreens is, so I’d just go elsewhere.

    7. Yes, I did it through Walgreens and wanted to mix-and-match so checked the box that I had Pfizer so that I could get that booster instead of my original Moderna. Some Walgreens have both and some only have one. You can call and ask or the w3b s!t3 should indicate when you book the appointment. The one I went to only had Pfizer so my husband who also came with me could not mix them and has had three Pfizer doses. I spoke to our local Walgreens pharmacist about two days before the kids’ vaccine was approved and he said candidly that he anticipated them clearing out their Pfizer stock to make room for the children’s doses coming. Not that it was set in stone, just something he anticipated as a means of making room for the new stock. Note that this was ~2 weeks ago, before the children’s doses were approved and before the universal boosters were approved, so I’m sure it will be full supply soon enough of all of them if that was ever the case at your local one.

    8. yes, that’s how I did it. the online form doesn’t reflect the mix-and-match options, and you need to lie (initially) to identify which locations have your preferred vaccine. moderna, for example, needs special ultra-cold storage, so not all walgreens have it available. i came clean at the actual shot appointment, and there was no issue at all.

  16. Do you guys own fun holiday outfits or clothing items? Things like a velvet blazer, tartan sweater, etc.? I’m drooling over some holiday options even though I know it’s kind of silly and unnecessary. My activities consist of holiday dinners with family, which are relatively casual, and church services. Fancy holiday parties are not a thing among our crowd. Maybe I should buy some sparkly necklaces and pretty nail polish and call it a day, but man, the tartan sweaters are calling my name …

    1. Yep, I own a stunning gold bodycon dress that I bought for holiday parties and have never ever worn. Next time, I’m getting my sparkly things and velvet blazers from Poshmark.

      1. This year you should wear it for NYE, even if you’re having champagne on the couch. It sounds gorgeous!

    2. Yes I do! I wear them to church, family Christmas, dinners, drinks, the party I throw so I have a reason to get festive.

      Honestly a tartan sweater isn’t so fancy at all? Just buy it and wear it and love it.

    3. Why can’t you wear a tartan sweater to a family dinner?
      Easy to wear with jeans. You can wear it to work. You can wear it just because.

      I always like holiday stuff, if for no other reason than it makes me look forward to winter.

    4. Do it! IMO family holiday parties are as fancy as you want to make them. I know that church is usually more casual than non-churchgoers like me imagine, but I really think a festive sweater or blazer would be lovely and not out of place.

    5. I have a buffalo plaid sheath dress and a tartan dress as well as a red plaid midi skirt. I got them all at deep discounts after the holidays or during black friday sales – Jcrew and Talbots are my favorites for these, but my midi skirt came from Kate Spade and Sail to Sable has a capsule holiday collection that the influencers I follow are all promoting at the moment. Brooks Brothers also has some great quality plaid popovers that are nice! What is nice is that they are so ‘classic’ that they don’t really go out of style. I have pulled them out yearly for the last 5 years running (granted, we live in MA, so preppy central but I think these are safe bets for November/December wear for years).
      The Fug girls did a plaid round up last week so you might want to page through that for some ideas!

    6. Yes! This is a great thing to get from thrift stores. I don’t have many occasions to pull out my velvet blazers outside of November and December, but for the $10/each I paid for them, I’ve gotten my money’s worth.

    7. I wear a ridiculous Christmas outfit to holiday dinner with my extremely casual family. I’m talking a green and red plaid skirt I had from high school, green or sparkly tights, hideous clay Christmas jewelry my aunt made me as a child, a bright red wrap sweater.It’s kind of fun looking insane even if no one else is doing it. A tartan sweater seems like something you can wear all month at the very least.

    8. I have a bunch of vintage wool Fair Isle sweaters, some in holiday colors, and it makes me happy to bust them out for lounging around the house with a good book and a drink. I’d wear them to a party with close friends, but not for anything fancy.

    9. I have a beloved plaid skirt I wear for this kind of thing all the time! Team wear what brings you joy/calls your name.

    10. OMG yes! I love holiday clothes, I don’t care who sees them! favorites are a wine colored velvet dress and a red tulle skirt that is super fluffy and looks like I’m wearing a tree skirt. I wear that with a fitted black top and a giant faux diamond collar necklace.

    11. I always have a dressy sweater and wear it at the holidays. My current one has a sparkly argyle on it. I would wear your tartan sweater with jeans or black cords for a casual event.

    12. I had a velvet blazer I loved or several years (and then lost on my wedding day) but if I were going to buy a holiday item, that is what I’d choose (from your list anyway) as you can really wear them in the fall and winter if they aren’t TOO holiday like.

      I usually go with a green dress or a tartan which I love. This year my MIL has declared that the family picture colors are blue, silver, and white (since we did red and green in 2019) so now I have to find something in that color scheme too.

      Though I found the cutest dress for my daughter so there’s that.

    13. I have a black velvet dress (think Pauline in Ballet Shoes), a grey sweater with a penguin in appliqué and embroidery, and a red sweater with fair isle snowflakes on it. Somewhere I have a black jersey skater dress with a little reindeer print on it too but I’m not sure what happened to it!
      I live in those sweaters in December and I’m very excited to put them on next week!

    14. I have some black tie stuff I will probably never wear again because I feel like the days of corporate black tie parties may be over.

      For home I have some cozy holiday-like things like a sequin accented knit shell that has a matching cardigan (I wore it for a birthday party at home and it was great) and a couple of velvet tees that I just wear with regular pants or a skirt to feel slightly dressier. I also have a black and white oversized sweater that is not a literal snowflake design but kind of looks like that and only feels appropriate around the holidays. I don’t really think I need more than that but I’m also on the hunt for velvet loungey pants.

  17. Has anyone just severely leaned out/secretly gone part time while working remotely? My company has been pretty explicit that we shouldn’t expect raises or profit sharing this year. They haven’t announced cuts but conceded they are basically at a hiring freeze and trying to cull the ranks through attrition. (Fwiw this dames incredibly short sited to me and I predict they’ll really need more people in a year or two.) I’m a long term and well regarded attorney and it just feels really unnatural to “lean out” but my personal life is pretty hectic (new baby/new house) and changing jobs feels overwhelming. I can probably be a satisfactory employee while working 4-5 hours a day but I have this weird sense of loyalty/obligation to be a rockstar employee even with no upside. Am I off base here? Will I regret leaning out?

    2. This would never fly where I work because 1) falsifying your timesheet is fraud (we bill all our time to projects) and 2) we are expected to respond instantaneously to e-mail and chat during working hours.

    3. No go ahead and lean out but overwhelmed or not you clearly need to job hunt now before you lose your job.

    4. Might be an unpopular opinion on this board, but if you can get your work done in 4-5 hours per day, I say do it and enjoy your free time. I have zero desire to be a rockstar employee though (especially with no upside), so I am sure that is coloring my judgment. ;)

      2. Same. I also have no desire to be a rockstar employee and am in a job that I like, I’m good at, and my work product is very well respected by others in the office. But there is is zero upward mobility potential in this job, and I’m fine with that. So I do the amount of work that is needed to do my job well (generally 20 hours per week), and then I enjoy my free time.

    5. If you slow roll you are likely to be downsized. Do you have other options if that happens?

    6. yes, when we were fully remote during covid I worked maybe 3 hours a day. Got all my necessary work done and no one noticed. I always had my work phone on my but lounged in the backyard most days

    7. I wouldn’t lean out all the way to part-time employment when your company is looking for ways to cut costs. But I also wouldn’t volunteer to be a rock star employee while your company is saying you shouldn’t expect raises or profit sharing. I suggest middle of the road–aim for 6-7 hours of solid work per day, and set boundaries around your personal life.

      Also, even though it seems overwhelming, break “look for new job” into some small tasks and set some calendar dates to accomplish these. That way, you’ll be ready to look in earnest if/when you need to, and if a job you’d be excited about comes up, you’ll see it and can apply.

    8. Due to my health, my current job is part-time because that is what I was looking for and has no specific billable hours requirements.

      Practicing law this way is SO much better.

    9. Look elsewhere and do what needs to be done (without falsifying time of course) without going overboard. Agree there’s a risk of being targeted for downsizing, but hopefully your search outpaces that risk. In this situation, the optics are so important tho – there’s a big difference between “saying no to work” and “not actively seeking out new work” (one will get you the boot quicker while the other may help you fly under the radar for awhile.)

    10. Do you have billable requirements? If not, lean out if you can get everything done working fewer hours! If so, look at the end of the billable year and when bonuses come in and then start looking for a new job right after the end of the billable year/when you get your bonus and slack off at the same time.

  18. My dad and his wife are purposely ignoring me because I won’t lump-sum pay them my brother’s portion of inheritance from our maternal grandmother. (My brother owes them money; I’m apportioning out the inheritance as I see fit per her wishes). They do not need the money, this is purely a power grab attempt to undermine.

    What do you guys do when the people you love are not who you think they are? FWIW, I’m in therapy but I’m having some really tough times around this especially given the ‘holiday season’.

    1. As the administrator of the estate, you’re legally bound to follow the decedent’s wishes. I’m sure you’ve told your parents this but it needs to be a mantra, “I’m legally bound, you have to take it up with [brother], it is his money, I am only administering the estate.”

      And if that doesn’t work, tell them it’s off the table as a conversation at the holidays, and if someone tries to bring it up, leave the room.

      That’s the best I have for you for now. That’s always a really obnoxious situation that can tear families apart.

    2. I reframe my thinking, mourn a little, and accept that I can only control myself.

      I’m sorry.

    3. I can see both sides as someone with wealthy relatives and a brother who has a seemingly magical ability to make large sums of money disappear.

      1. Maybe I would have some understanding of the parents’ frustration with the brother, but there is no excuse for parents giving the OP the silent treatment because she refuses to administer the estate in a way that is against the law. The parents’ issue is with the brother, not with the OP and it is very unkind for them to give OP the silent treatment over this.

        1. Couldn’t agree more with this. And also? The Silent Treatment is a horrible form of abuse and shouldn’t be practiced by anybody on anybody else, ever. If you want to cut ties, fine. But the Silent Treatment in an ongoing relationship is abusive.

          1. Well, I assumed they were ignoring me after they didn’t respond to my innocuous messages a month ago, but this weekend I sent some photos of the grandkids to them and partner’s parents in the same text group and I got a group response from my stepmother saying “I see [OP] sent us group messages again, but I’m not responding.” so it finally confirmed it. (Yes, I did respond saying “[Stepmother], you responded to the group message.”, and yes, I did refrain from sending the drunk emoji).

            I guess since I was trying to reach out and purposely include them, during what has been a highly-emotional time, for something I know they care about (their grandkids!), to receive an almost-immediate callous response was really trying. If I were them, and I was mad but trying to work through my feelings, I wouldn’t try to text my partner “I’m ignoring OP”.

            We don’t live near them, so texts, photos, and phone calls are the primary way we stay in touch.

          2. OP— I’m sorry that happened. They’re being cruel, and I have to agree with SA that this type of behavior is abusive. The holidays can be really hard in this type of situation, so I hope you can lean into the therapy and try to remember it’s about them and not about you (easier said than done, I know!)

          3. OP, I’m sorry your dad married a teenager. I think you are handling this well.

        2. +1. Just keep telling them this is not in your control, you have to follow the will, and to talk to the debtor about it, not you.

    4. This is why I tell clients, feel free to blame me (the attorney) if beneficiaries give you a hard time. It is a thankless job, for sure.

      As to how to handle it, I recommend a little self-pity ‘treat yourself’, and a determined redirection of your thoughts – read/watch/play/do something that absorbs more of your dwelling-on-it time.

    5. This hits home for me. I was the administrator of my grandfather’s estate, and he purposely cut out his son (my uncle) and all of his descendants because they were estranged for years. Per the will, my grandfather’s nephew got many prized physical items and I got the money (it was low 5 figures so nothing to sneeze at, but also not quit-my-job money by any means). I even gave half of my portion to my uncle. Guess what— it wasn’t enough. Uncle and his family all think I’m a terrible, selfish person and won’t talk to me anymore. This is after I tried explaining to them that I had a legal obligation to follow the will, and that as a lawyer, I could suffer actual consequences for not doing so. AND after I gave him half of my share in attempt to make up for my grandfather’s actions.

      I’ve dealt with this through lots of therapy. I have to remind myself that I did nothing wrong, and the whole situation is built on lifetimes of hurt and dysfunction and really has nothing to do with me. It’s really hard around the holidays, as my uncle is my closest biological relative, and I’m no longer invited to family gatherings because of the conflict. I expected some harsh words but never expected to be totally excommunicated. My therapist has advised that it’s ok to mourn this relationship not being how I wanted and to make my own holiday traditions I can lean into that have nothing to do with people who hurt me. If you are going to see them this holiday season, I can recommend the “gray rock” technique where you just refuse to engage. Have such boring reactions to any nasty comments that it’s not satisfying for them to argue. Also remind yourself that you are worthy of respect and do not have to take abuse from others, and you can leave if you want. That last one has been hard for me, but it’s always an option.

      1. When my great-uncle was getting older and had late-stage dementia, his one remaining sibling (my other great-uncle) wanted to get his will re-written so that he (aka other Great-Uncle) was the only beneficiary. Which would have meant all the money went to my Mom’s cousins who were no closer to this particular Bachelor Uncle (possibly in the old-fashioned meaning of “Bachelor” if family rumors are true).

        His wife shut that down and thank goodness because the “family home” was where he had lived and there would have been some very angry people if that was what happened.

        When we did our estate plan recently, what I cared most about was making sure that we weren’t sowing the seeds of discord if the worse should happen.

        1. I wish my grandfather had been as considerate as you. The effect of his decision and how it was done is that now I’m the messenger who has to carry out his revenge. Even though I’m ostensibly the favored person in the will, the way he set it up has actually punished me as well as my uncle.

          1. I hadn’t read the whole thread above. Is there anywhere else you could do Thanksgiving? Or could you decide to stay home because of the pandemic?

            Why go to a meal where people won’t speak to you!

      2. This is really good advice all around. And Anon, I’m sorry for your multiple losses here – of your grandfather and of the relationship you thought you had with your uncle and other relatives. Xoxo

    6. I’m sorry your father and stepmother (did I get that right?) have demonstrated to you that money is more important than their relationship with you or their grandchildren. But that is exactly what they’ve done. Do with that what you will. For me, I’d grieve the relationship I thought I had, work on accepting the reality, and stop explaining and justifying. You’ve clearly done that already, everything that needs to be said has been said. Continuing to discuss it makes them think it’s negotiable when it’s not. I’d also stop sending them texts. Sorry for your loss.

      1. Yes, and I guess that’s what it is – that their being ‘right” or needing things to go their way (re: money) is more important than our relationship. And thanks. It just sucks.

    1. Have you checked marketplace/craigslist? People who never ever use their wedding china sometimes sell it all in like-new condition just to get it out of their house.

      But definitely Belk, Macys etc. have had some deals lately if that’s more convenient. I might start by checking out what Macys has.

    2. We bought ours at a restaurant wholesale outlet. They are plain white, but in interesting oblong shapes. I highly recommend going simple, because replacing broken outdated patterns is a nightmare I don’t care to repeat.

    3. Do you have a Costco? They always have Pfaltzgraff sets (I think) for pretty reasonable prices.

      We break a lot of plates and bowls so that’s where we get ours.

    4. Oh, also Ikea. Their kitchen and dining wear stuff is simple but quite nice. I still use several items from them that are long out of stock now and I’m sad about that. But they always have sets of nice dishes at very reasonable prices. (And I think you can order IKEA online now…)

      1. +1 to Ikea. We don’t have a full set of dishes from them, just extra bowls and some other things we got to supplement our regular dishes, but they’re a nice basic white that works with everything and they’ve held up well.

    5. That you can get before Thursday? This is my life. And yes, everyone is vaxxed and testing.

      1. Target, Costco, any of the big box stores, or if all else fails World Market (or whatever your local eclectic crap store is) almost always have dish sets.

        Ooh, or Kohl’s.

        1. Good point. My memories of in-store shopping are all years old now, but IIRC, places like Home Goods and Tuesday Morning can have nice dishes too.

      3. Pottery Barn or Crate and Barrel, if you have them near you. Or Bed Bath and Beyond.

    6. The giant oval holiday-themed paper plates from Target are great for Thanksgiving dinner.

    7. My Costco had Mikasa Trellis – a very lovely set – last time I was there.

  20. In the next month or so, I plan to get an e-bike so I can commute to work on the days I go in. Its less than 10 miles and weather is not an issue (So. Cal). Part of the ride is on a dusty/gravel trail. Any recommendations for shoes & pants that are suitable for wearing on the bike that I can also wear in my office without needing to change?

    Most of the office is in jeans and casual button-downs – but I don’t think I want to be on the bike in jeans. Something with some stretch would be great.

      1. Granted, I’m mostly a roadie who commutes, so my riding may be a bit more aggressive than the OP, but I commuted exactly once in my NoGas and am pretty sure I mooned the car behind me. Position shifts/riding out of the saddle is perilous in them.
        On my commuter bike, I ride in just about any pants as long as they have a real waistband (see the unfortunate NoGa incident above). If commuting on my road bike, I kit up and change at work. It’s just more comfortable that way.
        I find my choice of shoes makes more of a difference than my pants. If I’m not planning on changing, I’m most comfortable on my commuter in the stiffest shoes I own – keeps my foot/ankle/knee better aligned (akin to cycling shoes, which are intentionally very, very stiff) than in athletic/running shoes.
        No matter what clothes you wear, wear a helmet!

        1. Interesting. My Noga pants have a real waistband and I bike in them regularly. Maybe different styles?

          1. Probably so – different riding styles, pants styles or both. Or my butt is just shaped differently. OP, if you try the NoGa, go for a ride in them around your neighborhood first to check fit :-)

    3. What about casual (stretchy?) dresses? Depends on how you feel about cycling in skirts and dresses – I always put shorts underneath!

    5. What about a pair of loose pants to wear over whatever you already own, protect them from dust, and keep you warm in the winter?

      1. This is what I did when I lived in a sloppy climate. Just whipped them off when I got to work. Also invest in fenders to keep road dust or sludge off you. I just got a ebike that comes without them and I forgot how much they help.

  21. I’m looking for gift ideas from hikers. My relative is a teenager who leads a hiking club at school and enjoys the outdoors. I was trying to think of a small gift that could be useful (stocking stuffer size) and then get her a gift certificate to a ?clothing/outdoorsy store (REI? something else) so she can get what she likes.

    Any recs? Tx

    2. I am a hiker and trail runner and this is hard bc we generally have very specific preferences (even for socks)! I don’t know where you live, but if Purple Lizard makes maps for your area, perhaps one of those?

      1. Appreciate your perspective! This is why I thought the bulk of the gift could be a gift certificate. Just thought new fun gadgets come around periodically that people like.

        She’s in Northern California. Unfortunately Purple Lizard doesn’t stretch that far, but that was a great idea.

      2. Does anyone know of any good outdoors maps like Purple Lizard for New England? That would be a slam dunk gift for a bunch of my relatives. Thanks!

    3. I like Moleskin blister bandages or the hydrocolloidal ones for the inevitable blister/chafed spot. You could also get her a hiking first aid kit if she doesn’t already have one, but that’s more like $25 and is kind of person/trip length dependent. Love the REI gift card idea.

    4. Darn Tough socks, a lightweight headlamp, a compass, the lightweight first aid kits you can get at REI – all would be perfect for the stocking AND useful. Check out the Ten Essentials list too. Sometimes people won’t buy that stuff for themselves, but they’ll be grateful to have them.

    5. Socks. Nice wool socks. My husband got me a set of “Nordic Socks” (that’s the name of the company) last year that are amazing and would be good for hiking, but some people prefer ones that breathe a bit more. But yeah, socks.

      Or any type of layers with SPF-protection built-in.

    8. My husband once gave me a whole bunch of different carabiners in my stocking and I thought that was useful and fun. You can never have too many, I think.
      Or what about a copy of the book Wild? Or The Salt Path?

    9. Set of mini carabiners to hook things on her pack, or medium carabiners, small velcro wraps for cords, etc., small eagle-creek pouch(es)/bag(s), small portable phone battery (mophie, etc). Not sure what your budget is, but I got my hiking people monoculars last year which can range from $50 and up and they are small enough for a stocking, a “buff” (neck/head wrap), cute toque/knitted hat, hiking-themed t-shirt, ice-breaker brand merino socks which are left/right specific (awesome, I cannot think of any hiker who wouldn’t wear them for something), extra boot laces, tenacious tape, handwarmers….

      1. Please do not give anyone wool socks (or anything made of wool or cashmere or any animal fiber) unless you know for sure that they can wear wool!

          1. Wool and cashmere are terribly itchy for a huge segment of the population. Get over yourself.

        2. I respectfully disagree on this statement. There’s a limit to how much due diligence you can do for a gift, and wool socks are (comparatively) not too expensive, a nice option for a large portion of the population, and eminently regiftable. These kinds of statements are how we end up just at boring gift cards which don’t get used and I think defeat the purpose of gifting.

          (I say this as a person who is regularly gifted things I cannot use for health reasons, and just kindly pass them on. I know what it’s like to get things and know I can’t use them, but such is life.)

    10. I live in my merino Buff. If you get her a headlamp, look for one that’s USB rechargeable – many are now, but not all. It beats the hell out of swapping out batteries.

    11. A lifestraw, a headlamp, a microfiber towel that comes with a little carrying pouch, a cute fanny pack, a velcro phone holder that attaches to a backpack strap

  22. ISO elastic waistband jogger-style pants that aren’t obvious sweatpants for casual errands. I like the Lululemon stretch highrise joggers, but hoping to find something more affordable.

    1. I really like Jag Jeans as a brand for elastic-waisted pants in general. They have some black leggings that might work (the Ricki Mid-Rise Pull On Leggings – I’ll post the link subsequently to avoid moderation). Though I’d look at other stores to see if you can get a better deal on them; they’re always on-sale at Nordstroms.

      2. I’m so happy that A: you’re back and B: that you’re just all over the comments today. :)

        2. And a teething five-month-old plus two Partners who are swamped who I need to get back to me before I can move forward with work. Lol.

  23. Reason #861 I hate being back in the office, it is impossible to get my office to be a reasonable temperature. You have to get the building to adjust the temperature and they seem incapable or unwilling to make reasonable adjustments; I assume it’s weaponized incompetence. Fwiw I run warm, I keep my house at 65, I’m sweating at 72. If I’m complaining about the cold, it is COLD. Every time I’ve complained it’s too cold, they either gaslight me and tell me it’s not cold (one time I argued until they decided to prove me wrong by taking the temperature of the air coming out of the vent, yeah the air was 50 degrees), or they crank it up by like 20 degrees so it’s sweltering. If I complain it’s too hot then they turn on the AC and freeze us out. The building is too old for space heaters, the space heaters will knock out power to part of the floor and you have to pay a fine to get the building to turn the power back on. I’m so over this.

    1. Same. I spent one entire week last year freezing in my office, to the point of wearing my wool coat all day, and nobody would admit that anything was wrong! It turned out that the heat for the entire building was broken. I worked a full week of winter with no heat.

      This month, it’s been sweltering in all of the offices on my side of the building–like, over 80 degrees. The building managers blamed the sun. Yeah, that doesn’t help, but warm air was coming out of the vents. We’d call the manager, someone would come up, make an adjustment, and we’d get cold air for 20 minutes. We’d call back later, and an entirely new person would arrive, and we’d have to start all over.

  24. Is it normal for window frames to develop mold incredibly fast? We got a new HVAC system last year, and we open windows as often as the temperatures allow, but I’m still constantly scrubbing away black fuzz. It makes me feel like our house is abnormally dirty or stuffy, but I don’t think it is. House was built in the early 90s and windows are wood, in good condition.

    1. I am mid-Atlantic and never has this issue in any place I have ever lived, so it would not be normal to me!! I would be a bit alarmed that there is so much mold so quickly.

    2. I am in the very humid deep south, and I’ve never experienced this. I would be concerned that something’s not right, but I don’t think it means your house is dirty or stuffy. I think mold is usually from moisture intrusion, so I would start there.

    3. Did you have spray foam put into your walls? And were they originally plaster? Because we’ve been warned that using spray foam in plaster will make wood shingles and windows develop mold very quickly. But, our house is over 100 years old, so your issue may be different. Either way, I’d definitely have the HVAC guys at least come back and see if they can identify the issue.

    4. If the humidity in the house is fine I’d wonder if the window seals are broken. 30 years is a long life for modern windows. Black fuzz probably means there’s moisture from condensation.

    5. Not sure where you live, but this summer was abnormally humid for much of the east coast. I’ve lived in my house for 8 years and I’d never had mold in my basement until this year. I also run my AC starting in like March, so it’s not as if I’m letting in a bunch of humid air. I got a dehumidifier and it seems to be working, fingers crossed.

    6. If the house was built in the early ’90s and has wood windows, I seriously doubt that they are in good condition. Moisture is probably getting in.

    7. I’m kind of confused tbh. Wood windows would not have been used in the 90s unless it was a high end custom build and if that’s the case it shouldn’t be molding without some serious neglect.

      1. I beg to differ. My very low-end 1993 home, which has Masonite siding and came with vinyl floors, “cultured marble” bathroom counters, and laminate kitchen cabinets, has wood windows. Cheap, crummy wood windows, but wood nonetheless. They are all failing.

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