ByElizabeth Hours Updated
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Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: Bowie Stretch Pants

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

I love a neutral that’s not really a neutral, you know? These “Magritte blue” stretch ankle pants from Anne Klein are a little brighter than your standard navy but would look fantastic with a bunch of different colors.

I would wear these with a bold, saturated color (magenta, emerald, eggplant) on top with some black flats, or with a fun animal-print shoe and a black or white top.

The pants are $41.58 at Nordstrom, marked down from $89, and come in sizes 14W–24W.

These Jones New York pants are an option in straight sizes; they're $79.50 at Nordstrom.

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Sales of note for 12.5

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267 Comments

  1. My mom used to get us the best hair brushes for our straight fine but sense hair growing up, from Avon of all places. The don’t make them anymore. I used to find good dupes at the drugstore but lately I am coming up short and need something that can handle sweeping hair into ponytails without dropping half of the hair or just wimping out with brushing all the way through (and this is a triple ask because my kids all have this same hair but are always borrowing my one last decent brush).

    I know the Avon ones had nylon bristles, nothing fancy, and were oval with a handle. They were pink with white bristles; maybe they also came in brown.

    If I could find a replacement I would stock up — this has been a crazy quest with two many brushes that were more fit for babies? Men with thinning whispy hair? Im not going to buy ones off of eBay but I can see why they are there — they were so good!

    1. following with interest, because I use a similar brush that I stole from my mom in the mid 90’s when she had a short perm and I, a long-haired tween, needed it more…and yes still use daily because I’ve never found a better one!! Must have dense, very sturdy bristles!

    2. My daughter and I have fine, straight hair. We both use natural bristle brushes–smaller ones with relatively firm bristles. They work great for detangling and putting up hair, and last forever. I have had mine for at least 10 years, and it is still … fine! I just tooled around Amazon looking for the exact model I have, but can’t find it. There are many similar ones. The trick is not to get one that is too soft, like a baby hairbrush. You can get a paddle shape or rectangular.

    4. If your Bed Bath and Beyond has a Harmon Drug section, it offers a great brush selection.

    5. You just brought back such a nice memory for me. My mom was an Avon lady or had access to one so we had all of the Avon things, including these hair brushes

    6. I have fine, straight, but decently thick hair. I use a brush that has little pegs for bristles (will link an example in a reply). I find they work really well for detangling.

    7. I use a mason Pearson brush, it’s expensive but worth it – no tangles, lasts forever

      1. My hair is straight-ish and fine. I have a big paddle-style Mason Pearson and love it but the whole family knows it lives on my dresser because it is $$$$ and I love it more than I love them (sometimes). After my mini MP got stolen along with my makeup bag, I bought a Denman that is about 1/3 the price and almost as good.

    8. My daughter and I both have straight, fine hair (but lots of it) and swear by the Wet brushes. They aren’t fancy, but they are effective.

    9. If you’re looking for a thick nylon bristle you might like the Denman brush. Mine was under $20 on Amz, so it’s a low stakes experiment.

    11. Pearson brushes. Pricey but they last forever. Really appreciated my two during the last 18 months of no haircut.

  2. I am about to have a phone screen with a recruiter about a job that I would never in a million years have thought anyone would recruit me for. It would be an amazing career move and while yes, this is only a phone screen, it’s a national search for a well known org’s GC position in a really fun industry that would incorproate my pre-law career experience. I have no idea how they found me (I am not a current GC), but I am going to go into it with my Rebecca from Ted Lasso power pose and act like I know I can crush it!

      1. Thank you!! It went really well and off my resume went for the next step of the process.

    2. I hope this is for the Sesame Street GC gig! I saw that on LinkedIn and was dreaming about how AWESOME that would be!
      GOOD LUCK!

  3. Does anyone here have experience doing EMDR for trauma? I’m anon for this, but last year had a traumatic loss of a pet due to an accident of my own making and I’m reliving it daily. Someone suggested this to me. Thanks for any advice (and please don’t judge me in the comments – I’ve judged myself enough daily).

    1. Yes. It changed my life.

      I had a traumatic experience around childbirth and I can safely say that I don’t know who I would be without EMDR. It allows you to remember things without reliving them. If you read about it, it sounds… very woo woo. But you know how sometimes you go for a long walk with a friend and talk and just feel better afterwards? It’s like that x1000.

      Would recommend it over and over and over.

    2. Yes, I did it several years ago following a bad car accident. At the time it seemed kind of weird and like it wasn’t going to work, but it definitely helped and my unofficially diagnosed PTSD improved significantly. I would recommend it, especially because I don’t think there’s much harm in trying (check with your own provider, obviously). Sending peace to you.

    3. I don’t personally, but my good friend does and she said it really helped. She is not typically into anything alternative either.

    4. Accidents happen and you won’t get any judgment from me! Sending love and support.

    6. So sorry you are dealing with this. Sending many hugs and condolences on the loss of your pet. I hope you can find some peace – accidents do happen and you are not perfect. Hang in there and I hope you find something that helps!

    7. I haven’t done it personally, but the book “The Body Keeps the Score” had a great chapter on it. It sounds like it’s receiving an increasing amount of scientific validation. Definitely read that chapter if you want to learn more (and the book as a whole is great!)

    8. I just started 3 weeks ago. I found a specialist on psychology today dog com. Some friends have had amazing success with it.

    9. Adding to the chorus: My son had EMDR for trauma and found it quite helpful. Hugs to you, Anon!

    10. Yes! I was initially so skeptical and very resistant to the idea, but my therapist finally convinced me that it was worth trying. She pointed out that if it didn’t work, the worst thing that would happen is I would feel a little silly but be no worse off mentally; whereas if it did work, it could make huge improvements in my quality of life, relationships, and health to not be reliving parts of my traumatic childhood all the time. So the enormous potential benefit was worth the small risk.

      And oh my gosh – the benefits were enormous!!! It nearly 100% eliminated the physical anxiety responses to my triggers; I can remember and acknowledge memories as they come up without having to devote so much energy to managing my physical and emotional response. I hadn’t even completely realized how much mental time and energy my trauma was eating up; it is so liberating to spend that time in other ways. Getting past those lizard-brain responses also helped me to make progress in my traditional talk therapy towards processing those experiences. EMDR is one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself.

    11. Please check out Armchair Expert’s podcast with Andrew Huberman. He is a neuroscientist and Stanford professor and he explains the science behind EMDR. Fascinating

    12. I also wanted to put in a plug for Cognitive Processing Therapy and Prolongued Exposure Therapy for trauma. I am a therapist and it changed many of my clients life’s.

    13. I am so sorry for your loss. And I am doubly sorry for your trauma and the circumstances of the accident. I have been in a similar place (made a mistake and accidentally caused injury to another person). The burden was a lot to carry but got better over time. Lots of sympathy and hugs and I hope you are able to feel better soon.

  4. Elizabeth, Great Plus Pick, tho you should also note that Anne Klein has at Nordstrom’s their “Clean Front Pants” in smaller sizes for $55.30, which we can wear to work! So for fruegel women looking to look great, I have 2 pair’s in black that I wear today!

    I have 3 more pounds to lose to get down to my pre-COVID weight, but it has been tough getting those pounds off since I started at 18 pounds over because of the eating from home all day and not exercising as much as I should have.

    There still are COVID problems across the world, particularly now in Vietnam, according to the Today show, so get your sneakers now, including Nike’s. There is also a potential for another toilet paper shortage coming now that people are out there at restaurants eating. I want to have trick or treaters so I signed up today. Dad wants me to advertise to sell my apartement so that I can move in on the West Side, but I am not in a hurry. Myrna is not going to move so I am going to push Dad off. He can live there with mom. If anyone is interested in a 2 BR, 2 BA with a balcony on the upper east side, with issues, let me know. Now I have advertised, so thanks.

  5. It kills me that job postings don’t include salary and/or benefits info. I applied and interviewed for a job I thought would pay 80-85k. Turns out it pays 65k. I work in government now (and have my whole career), so I’m used to transparent salaries. Kicking myself that I took time off work to interview for a job that only pays 5k more than I make now.

    1. I always at the outset during the screening, I’m not going to waste my time or theirs if the Comp doesn’t align.

      1. It’s wild how so many companies are screaming that “no one wants to work” and pull stuff like that with their job postings. Or are posting truly wild positions. I saw a job listing where the role was to “cover a shift” (?) from 10am to 10pm “between 5 to 7 days per week.” With 80% travel. For $75k. I know this is the Midwest but JFC

        1. JFC is right. That is an insane ask. Don’t blame the workers when your expectations aren’t reasonable!

        2. That sounds like a holdover from the post-2008 recession when people were so desperate for work that they would, in fact, jump at getting paid $75k for 80% travel. Yes, the economy is terrible right now, but that doesn’t mean people are desperate to take jobs like that.

          Only way I can see that making sense is if their target employee is early career, wherein similar jobs with normal hours/no travel pay literally half that.

          1. I was so curious that I looked up the company and clicked on “apply now,” and it’s pretty clear that that’s what they’re looking for. But even so it’s the rare person who can keep up with that schedule long-term. My brother worked a 100% travel job for a couple years but he still got weekends.

          2. I think you are exactly right. Many employers do not realize that market forces in many fields have fundamentally changed, and that they will need to pay more and treat employees better if they want to hire and retain.

      2. My husband just had that happen to him – after the third interview. And they changed the compensation downward by $10k. He withdrew from the process.

    3. It’s so frustrating. I use indeed and I’ve started only applying if there’s a salary range listed. Not a joke: I got an invitation to apply to a database architect role that paid $35k. It was full time in person and in a city with six million people. I actually lol’ed at that one. Best of luck guys.

      1. I had a call with the HR rep at a company recently. When I asked about salary band, she said they don’t disclose it because they find people use them for ‘holdover’ positions and quit when they find something better….GTFO. Sharing the salary is obviously not your issue with retention.

  6. I’ve developed an ice cream after dinner every night problem over the last 2 years. It is time to break the habit but I’m struggling. Substituting with fruit is no good, I end up dreaming of dumping it on top of a sundae. Brushing my teeth is also no deterrent because I’m used to brushing a million times a day from invisalign. Help?

    1. Put your ice cream in a mug; you’ll eat less of it. Find gelatos, which are lower fat and more satisfying.

      1. I can’t keep it in the house or I will eat it. If you must have it, get very small containers so you can’t overeat.

    2. I just don’t buy ice cream. In general, I’m a moderator, not an abstainer, but there are some things I’ve decided it’s better to just not have in the house. I don’t live somewhere where delivery is easy, so out of sight, out of mind and it’s really simple for me to just not eat it.

      1. Same. I cannot moderate ice cream. When I really want it I walk to the shop and buy a couple scoops and enjoy the whole experience. I cannot have it in my home.

        1. We got into an ice cream habit for a little while, and broke it by only eating ice cream we went out for and ate outside the house. No buying ice cream at the grocery store. It’s a different proposition when instead of just getting into the freezer, you have to put on shoes and leave the house to get the ice cream.

          I like a little hit of something sweet after dinner so I keep dark chocolate almonds and dark chocolate raisins around. I can eat a small amount of those without wanting to dive into the jar and finish it in one sitting.

          1. I tried something similar once but I found I’d take in 200+ calories of chocolate almonds, not feel satisfied, and still crave ice cream. I’ve never had success with the “substitute mediocre sugar treat for what I really want” approach. Then I just end up eating both when I should’ve gone with my craving all along.

      2. My husband insists on having it in the house even though he knows I can’t control myself, which makes me incredibly surly, but we’ve compromised on him only buying flavors I hate.

      2. I was going to suggest this. High quality mini bars really help me because of the built in portion control

    4. Don’t keep any in the house – stop buying it. That’s the only thing that works for me.

    7. Honestly, just keep enjoying your ice cream; life’s short. Or, if you must cut back, then just go down to three days a week. I find it easier to abstain a day or two if I know I’ll get to enjoy it tomorrow and it’s not gone forever.

      1. +1. “I can’t have it anymore!” is the fast track to “last supper” binging for me. Intuitive eating broke that cycle for me. I had struggled with it my whole life. Now I sometimes have ice cream around, sometimes not, I always have permission to go to the store and buy it if I want, and one pint will last a few days between the two of us – in the past, I’d have scarfed down my share in one night before it “went away.”

      2. Try weekends only? That includes Fri Sat and Sun night.
        Or reverse, try weekdays only because weekends are already fun.

    8. I eat celery with peanut butter when I crave Ice Cream. I think that is better, tho w/o the peanut butter, it is not as good. It should help you but not without exercise will your tuchus slim down.

    9. 1) if you must eat ice cream (i don’t blame you!) put it in a small old school sundae dish and eat it with a baby spoon.

      2) I made homemade apple sauce last night and ate…and ungodly amount of it. I put whipped cream on top. I bet an ungodly amount of apple sauce (only apples + water + cinnamon) is way healthier than ice cream.

      hot cocoa?

      1. I don’t know if you can consider it a “treat” if it’s happening every night. A nutritionist told me once, actually, that something you do every day isn’t a treat, it’s a habit. And when we reward ourselves all the time we start seeing that as a baseline, and not an add-on.

        Additionally, if OP is eating super premium ice cream (like Ben and Jerry’s), that’s a lot of sugar and fat to be consuming on a regular basis, even if she’d following portion size recommendations and only eating half a cup at a time (which I find it really hard to do). That may eventually cause issues with blood sugar, blood lipids, and blood pressure. Separate from anything having to do with her weight, which I don’t think she mentioned and so I didn’t think about it that way.

        I know this is an unpopular view here, but what people eat actually does significantly affect their overall health. There probably are some people out there who eat so healthily that they can absorb the calories, fat and sugar from nightly ice cream with no problem. I am not one of those people. And I’m guessing the OP asked because she feels it might be a problem for her.

      1. My husband has recently lost weight while eating a few pints of these low carb/keto ice cream every week. I wish that worked for me!

    13. Completely agree that there’s nothing inherently “wrong” or “bad” with continuing to enjoy your ice cream! That said, I recently had an ice cream craving but didn’t have any and couldn’t leave the house. Some super fancy yogurt from the farmer’s market (cream top, full fat, full sugar, coconut flavor) with a fresh diced nectarine hit the spot – it was cold, creamy, and decadent.

    14. A frozen banana really does taste exactly like ice cream. I started doing it for my kids when they were little, and really enjoy it myself. And I don’t even like bananas! I usually mix it up with some skim milk in my mini-blender for the closest ice cream texture.

    15. I sometimes can substitute without feeling like I need to eat 700 calories of something else to avoid eating the treat that I originally wanted.

      Ellenos greek yogurt, like lemon curd, mango or marionberry flavor, with frozen semi melted raspberries or blueberries on top and then keto granola or low sugar granola. Gets me some fiber and fruit and a bit of sugar.

      But my other strategy is the So Delicious Almond Milk Mocha bars. They are totally dairy free and have 180 calories. Total dupe for the HaagenDaz Chocolate Dipped Coffee bars that have like 350 calories. And with the bars, I find that I can stop at one whereas with ice cream I go back for seconds. Yes, there is still sugar but being non-dairy they have a better nutrition profile than cows’ milk.

      1. Ellenos Greek yogurt is the best yogurt in the whole entire world. I used to buy it every time I traveled through SeaTac because it wasn’t available where I live. I’m so glad I can buy it at the grocery store now.

    16. Halo Top – seriously – I only buy Halo Top. Whole pint of 300 or so calories. I forget what real ice cream tastes like and I’m OK with that because

    17. Buy only one pint a week during your regular grocery shopping so you run out midweek and aren’t eating it every day? Get hooked on a new TV show to distract yourself?

    18. What about ice cream do you enjoy? Is it the sugar, the fat, the creaminess, that it’s cold, or what? There must be something about it that is more enjoyable than other treats to you.

      If it’s creaminess, substitute something different but creamy. Frozen smoothie with banana or plain yogurt as the creamy, and preferred flavor added. Home made custard or panna cotta with berries.

      Is it the sugar/sweetness? Get a keto icecream, or make your own with proper egg yolks, cream and way less sugar than any commercial one. A homemade vanilla ice cream from eggs, cream and some pureed strawberries won’t need sugar at all.

      Is it the fat? Make an avocado chocolate faux icecream.

    19. Have you tried protein fluff? The Lauren Fit Foodie recipe is the one everyone uses — I’ve made mine with ice, the vanilla whey protein powder from Costco (Optimum or something?), SF Jello (I’ve used lemon pudding) and skim milk and it’s been a HUGE serving and really tasty.

      https://laurenfitfoodie.com/how-to-make-the-best-protein-fluff/

      Bonus: you have to make it so you you can’t be too lazy. I think it tastes better than HaloTop. There are ALSO 100-calorie ice cream cups at most supermarkets; Breyer’s makes some.

  7. Help wanted from the hive. The great resignation is fully hitting our company and I want to negotiate a raise to put my salary at much more of a market rate (40% would put me in the middle of the market; that’s still under what recruiters are pitching me on LinkedIn – I’m thinking aim for the middle and I’ll settle for a 20% raise). Here are my points, which of these would you lead with? 1) Focusing on the unique business value and results I’m driving, with my program results 2) Showing that I’ve taken on more responsibilities 3) Pointing out that I’m 10% below the bottom of what my company considers “market rate” and the raise would put me in line with my pay band and the market (I have access to this data because I’m hiring someone at my same level) 4) Basically acknowledging the market and how high companies are paying for someone with my skills. Thoughts? Combo of the 4? I think that my grand boss would go to bat to keep me if I make a strong case (and honestly, it would be WAY cheaper to keep me than have to hire and backfill).

      1. I know, I know. But I want to have a baby within the next year and I freaking love my job, love my team, etc. I also want to get at least a year at the position I’m in now because it’ll help me pivot into an even bigger step up.

        1. I hear this, but if you’re NOT currently pregnant (or trying) and you don’t know how long it might take. A year from now PLUS 9 months is plenty of time to start a new role, begin to establish yourself, and then take a reasonable maternity leave. I stuck it out for longer than I should have at a company that was never going to pay me market rate. Yea, it was flexible, but new job was pretty flexible too, had comparable benefits and a 45% pay increase 4 years ago – the compound interest on that type of raise for your retirement savings is nothing to sneeze at.

      1. Agree. I’ll add though that you don’t want to get in an argument about 1 and 2 and I would lean a little more on 4– the bottom line is that you like working here and want to stay but you can’t ignore that you’re getting calls for XX% more. Some companies that are happy to pay people below market range won’t be moved by anything but the reality that they’ll lose a person.

        2. Yes, and my grandboss basically hinted that I should come to her if I’m getting poached. Plus, “retention of top talent” is something leadership has been talking about (well, kind of hard to ignore since we’re losing so many people).

    3. Good luck! My friend recently did this. She was rewarded with a salary bump and a major job title change because the company realized it needs her. Get yours!

    4. I had a similar situation with almost the same differential and talking points. Use all four. I asked for 30%, I got 25%. I would emphasize that you love your job and want to stay. I even think, and this is a know-you-boss scenario, that saying you’re being headhunted at X rate might be persuasive in this market, because the market is in flux and many companies are trying to poach. Obviously, you wouldn’t want to do this with an adversarial boss or someone you don’t know well and trust at baseline. Also, indicating how hard and expensive (in both time and money) it is to recruit, hire, train and onboard at your level would also be good.

  8. I am completely overwhelmed. I posted the other day that I need surgery on top of starting a new job. I just found out on top of that, due to preparatory bloodwork, that I need to see a rheumatologist and may have lupus. This is completely unrelated to the surgery. I cannot deal with all this. I don’t know what to do. I’m muting myself in every meeting because I just keep breaking down.

    I had a lot of time off saved up and a really wonderful boss, but the company itself was awful and I was drastically underpaid. The new job has great pay and I have a much higher-level title, but my first day is Monday. Taking a bunch of time off for multiple ongoing major medical problems just isn’t going to fly. Did I make a mistake? Should I try to get the old job back?

    Compounding all this is that my MIL had SLE and was basically crippled the entire time I knew her. The first decade of my relationship with my husband was ruled by her needs. Me ending up with the same disease feels like a giant middle finger from fate.

    1. Take a deep breath. I give you permission to phone it in at the current company. Do yoga on calls and log off early because your sink is leaking water all over your kitchen and you need to call the emergency plumber. If you have a GP, consider asking for 5 pills of Xanax, valium, etc. to get you through this very stressful time. Your new company may be more understanding than you think. Take it one day at a time and hire out as much as you can with your new salary. YOU GOT THIS!

    3. Do NOT go back to an awful company that underpays you when you have medical conditions. You can be underpaid in a supportive company, or paid well in a company that works you hard (exchange pay for outsourcing to buy time), but you cannot be underpaid in a toxic company and deal with health problems. That does not work.

    4. I’m so sorry to hear this – it is totally normal that you would be overwhelmed. Do you have someone you can talk to in real life to help process or can the doctors recommend some therapy. And I think your new job is going to be fine (I work in HR -not sure if that’s comforting or not). S%#@ happens and I don’t think people realize how frequently because they’re focused on their own stuff. Some people are going to be jerks about it but haters gonna hate. I know it must be hard but can you try to focus on one day at a time (vs. a 10 year decline like your MIL?) You’ll get to that but in some ways, you didn’t know that you had this issue until this moment. This community is here for you!

    5. So I manage a pretty large team, and if I had a new hire who came to me and said, “Hey, I just found out I’m going to need surgery and I’ve also gotten some challenging unrelated medical news that is throwing me for a loop,” I would absolutely be sympathetic. Don’t go back to your old company – but reach out to your new supervisor and let that person know that you may not be at your very best, and what you’re going to need. They haven’t hired you for what you’re going to do in the first few weeks or months, they’ve hired you for the long term. Don’t try to hold it together at the new job without letting people know what’s going on – that will not set you up for success.

      1. This, exactly. I’ve had it happen with a new hire, and I’m in it for the long haul – I hire people I want to work with long term and life happens to all of us. Tell your new boss what’s going on and you might just cry with relief at how she reacts.

        1. +1 Also, as a long time manager, I would like to know what’s going on with my new hire so I can help them in any work-related way I can.

        2. Agree with this. I hired on someone who was dealing with a spouse’s health issues, which were quite time-consuming in terms of appointments. We made it work. She was still the right hire, and she’s still with us 2 years later.

      1. Aack, butter fingers. People have better advise on the career front than I do, but while SLE is a tough diagnosis, it does manifest differently in different people. I was diagnosed at 15, and am 36, had a kid, am active, and while it flares up sometimes and I get every illness kiddo brings home, it doesn’t define my life?

    7. So sorry to hear all of this, it sounds so tough.

      Do you have access to an EAP, either through your old job and/or the new one? They can be super helpful coordinating access to resources. And if you don’t already have a therapist, that might be very helpful too – especially one with experience supporting clients going through medical stuff. Of course sometimes finding a therapist on its own can be a chore, so that’s where an EAP (or trusted friend/family member) can help!

    8. I can’t help with the job aspect, but I’ve had SLE since I was a teenager (so about 20 years) and live a fairly normal life. The first few years were a challenge because it took that long to get a diagnosis and proper medications, but it’s been mostly smooth sailing since. I have what is called a flare here and there, but for many it is not a debilitating disease. I have to listen to my body and rest if I’m overdoing it, but otherwise I am very active and work a mentally demanding full time job. Best of luck to you.

    9. Deep breath.

      1) you’re not diagnosed with Lupus yet so hang in there and try not to get too ahead of yourself with the imagination

      2) the meds they have now for things like lupus are a lot better than what was available to MIL when she was diagnosed

      3) do not beg for your old job back. Take the new job, keep it moving forward, and you will be so glad you did this a year from now

    10. This happened to me and I did not have Lupus. Many women especially have high ANA and do not have Lupus. While everyone with Lupus has a high ANA, far from everyone with a high ANA has Lupus.

  9. I have a check-in with my grand boss (hate that term) later today. I feel like she’s been annoyed with me lately, and I can’t tell if it’s my anxiety or me correctly reading tea leaves. Is there a script for how to broach this? I’m thinking something along the lines of “Hey, I wanted to check and see if you had any feedback on XYZ. Happy to handle things differently?”.

    1. Don’t. Don’t plan seeds that she should be dissatisfied with you when she might not be.

      1. Agreed, you’re writing a self-fulfilling prophecy if you do something like this. For all you know, she’s having trouble at home, and it’s leaking out in your interactions.

      2. +1. Let her lead the meeting. She can speak up if she has an issue. At most, you could simply ask for “any feedback.” No specifiers, and no mention of doing things differently until she articulates a problem.

        1. My concern is that, in the past, I know that she’s given coworkers no negative feedback (while talking about how she’s been unhappy with their performance behind their back). But I hear all of your points: if she’s not bringing it up, I should just stay quiet until I’m told there’s a problem.

        2. Idk, in my org (which is not law), asking for feedback or brainstorming how to improve would be seen as very positive and proactive. It’s a know your office thing.

    2. Don’t preemptively bring issues up until your grand boss brings them up.
      For check-ins like that, I usually prepare an overview about current projects, their status/progress and any issues I’m facing. This way I am on top of my game and focus to talk confidently about my work.

      Also, if she has an actual issue with something related to your work or performance, don’t immediately jump into admitting some issues.
      Thank her for the feedback and ask questions to gain more insights and get her perspective on what she thinks she wants improved. It’s also ok to say that any negative feedback surprised you or caught you off guard and that you will need time to reflect about it – then suggest a follow-up with an action plan.

    3. Is this a regular check-in or a one-off?
      YMMV but in many places it’s approaching performance review season, so you might be able to frame it as “Just thinking about the past year and looking ahead to next, would love to get your thoughts on areas where i could improve or things i should focus on. Any specific feedback about Big Project or Recent Effort?”
      I am guessing that you are trying to avoid saying, “Grandboss, you’ve been kinda pissy lately and I am wondering if it’s me, or you, or all in my head.” Been there… so as long as you can make it more about development / feedback it could be a very productive conversation.
      Also, anyone else in the org you can check in with? I have developed a good rapport with my Grandbosses’ admin, and occasionally she’ll let me know if a Boss is acting That Way with everyone, or having a rough time because of something personal, or upset about a specific work situation, etc. This has saved me a lot of (apparently) unnecessary worry!

      1. Regular check-in — and, yes, performance reviews are coming up, so it would be a way to frame it. I’ve checked in with my boss, and her take was something like “Yes, I think that grandboss was unreasonably annoyed about XYZ, but I talked to her about it. It wasn’t you. I’ve been through similar.”

        1. Anokha, Given what your boss said about grandboss, do not bring it up. Let it lie and if grandboss brings it up, then discuss better ways to handle it in the future. Do not assume that it was your fault. Yes, brainstorm on ideas but don’t infer that you caused something or took a step wrong.

  10. I interviewed a candidate yesterday who misrepresented himself on his resume. His resume said he had a director role at Company X since 2018. But as soon as I asked him about it, he said that a) he had actually been promoted to director in 2020 and b) he left that job five months ago for one with a much lower title because he wanted to try to get away from management, only to realize that the new role was a bad fit.

    Am I wrong to find this kind of shady? I felt he should have listed his current role on the resume and been clearer about when the promotion actually happened…. But if he had done that, there’s no way we would have interviewed him.

    It reminds me of those guys in online dating who misrepresent their age, job, or photos because they figure once they get the date they can tell you the truth and you’ll understand. No, now I just understand that I’m on a date with a liar!

    2. I agree it’s not ok on either his resume or a dating profile. These documents are screening tools, and lying on them basically insults the audience.

    3. Yeah, that’s no good. I would forgive someone if I found out they had left off a short term job (even a current one) if they candidly explained that they realized it was not a good fit, but misrepresenting yourself as a having a higher level title for TWO years is a big deal.

    4. Huge red flag. I would not keep going with this candidate – this was a material misrepresentation of his experience and more than enough to disqualify him. I’m imagining part of the reason he was an attractive applicant is because of the director-level experience? Which he doesn’t actually have as much of as he was claiming.

    5. Saying he became a director in 2018 when he was not promoted until 2018 is a giant red flag. He gets a rejection letter.

      Good for you for catching it!

    6. Pass on him. It’s easy enough to put the date range you had different titles on a resume. It’s done all the time. No good reason for him to misrepresent himself.

    7. Ahem. As the manager who admitted on here she had a bad hire: run. (Turns out I hired somebody for a job that involves a lot of starting/leading new projects to solve underlying problems and he has no actual ability to problem solve. When he gets stuck, he just… stops and doesn’t ask questions or tell you he has stopped.)

    8. I would potentially overlook leaving the last role off, but clearly stating you were a director from 2018- present is very different than “director from 2020-the first half of 2021”. Pass, reject. ESp since for all you know he got promoted in Dec 2020 and left his role in March 2021.

      1. He’s also avoiding more specific questions about why he left the director role for something non-management by leaving that info off.

    9. It can be hard to put promotions on a resume, especially if you’ve had several at the company. I suppose one way to do it is:
      Acme Manufacturing May 2018 – May 2021
      Director (June 2020 – May 2021)

      So I wouldn’t necessarily fault someone who had a hard time communicating on a resume that they started into one role and got promoted into another. My problem with this dude is that he is not even in that job anymore, and he shouldn’t be listing himself as in it if he’s not.

      1. It’s not that hard. I read a LOT of resumes many many many people have multiple jobs with the same company. You just list them with the dates (or separate listings if you need to describe the work).

        1. +1. This is super common, the internet has plenty of guidance on how to list it, and it shouldn’t be a challenge for someone who has worked at a director level.

      2. No, it’s not hard. if you are a director level, you can handle the complexity. I just double checked my resume before stating HARD PASS above. I have two roles where i was promoted. In the first, I was promoted but also got a totally different role.

        Acme Corp 2000-2005
        Managing Minion over Inside Sales 2003-2005
        – bullet
        -bullet
        Junior Minion in Marketing 2000-2003
        -bullet
        -bullet

        I also have another job where I was promoted 3x within the same department. I write that one as:

        Acme Corp 2005-2011
        VP, Director, Manager, Minion
        Promoted 3x in 6 years, eventually taking over department as VP in 2008.
        – bullet
        -bullet
        -bullet

      3. Not hard… my resume is basically like this.. the role didn’t really change when I was promoted in my case.

        Director, Widgets – June 2020 – May 2021
        Sr Manager, Widgets – May 2018 – June 2020
        Acme Manufacturing
        * accomplishments
        *accomplishment etc.

      4. Sorry, maybe I should be more clear. AAM has people asking about this frequently, as did one of my friends who was promoted four times at his company, which makes me think that messing it up is not necessarily an issue worth disqualifying someone over. However, any benefit of the doubt gets erased when he’s pretending that he still works there. That pattern only exists when you’re covering something up.

  11. Is there a sunscreen stick out there that also comes with an applicator to help rub it in so you don’t have to use your hands? I need something for long days outside where I’m sweating a lot (so need to reapply) and my hands aren’t really clean so I don’t want to touch my face. I also hate the sticky feeling of sunscreen on my hands when there’s nowhere to wash them. Does this product exist?

      1. I don’t find that works well for me – my hands often have visible dirt on them (dusty hiking and horses will do that to you) and the hand sanitizer makes them feel sticky and gross. It would help with bacteria, of course, but I’m really looking for a hands-free solution if one exists.

        1. When I’m in that boat I do hand sanitiser, slosh just plain water all over my hands to get the ‘bits’ off, dry them, and hand sanitise again. It’s good enough for me, anyway?

    2. You might try the Colorscience powder sunscreen. It comes with a brush applicator. Although if you get as sweaty as I do you’d need to wash the brush like you wash your makeup brushes.

    3. I use the Neutrogena Ultra sheer stick for that purpose. I don’t rub it in. My face feels a little greasy, but if I’m already sweaty, I don’t mind.

      1. Agree, Neutrogena has a bunch of sheer stick options (I personally use the stick for babies because of my skin allergies) and they’re pretty good.

    4. Use a makeup sponge or a beauty blender. I always use them when I put sunscreen on my kid before daycare – makes it so much easier.

    5. You could carry some baby wipes to clean your hands beore and after applying sunscreen. Or, for a more eco-friendly approach, a ziploc bag with a wet washcloth?

    6. Yes. There are sunscreens that look like a deodorant stick. I have one from BeautyCounter and a few from … maybe Banana Boat kids? I keep one in the console of my convertible at all times and it’s so easy to swipe on my face when I put the top down. And all I use on the kiddos’ faces over the summer. I’m a big fan.

    8. Disposable or washable gloves (cotton) could work, in a too big size so you can get them on and not get them dirty before you touch your face.

      I don’t really like the spray mist touch-up sunscreens, but they do exist, and they might work for you.
      Supergoop has a couple of mists.

      Also, hats, for extra protection.

  12. I was just diagnosed with ocular rosacea. I’ve had rosacea on my face for years, but the ocular rosacea diagnosis is new. I have extreme dry/gritty-feeling eyes. Does anyone have tips or tricks for dealing with this condition, or things that have worked well? (I’m on a low dose of doxycycline already, and my ophthalmologist also prescribed an erythromycin ointment.)

    Also interested in any success stories – partly just feeling bummed that my dry eyes are part of a chronic condition too.

    1. I have had a couple of bouts of it. They wanted to put me on doxycycline but I’m allergic to minocycline and they’re very closely related drugs so I wasn’t willing.

      So then we tried a variety of eye drops. The eye drops that helped were the steroid ones. I used them for a week or two at first, then my ocular pressure went too high (expected side effects) and I stopped using them but they’d done their job and my symptoms didn’t come back.

      Now I use a drop or two whenever I have the start of symptoms and it seems to stave off another flare without increasing my ocular pressure. It does require regular treatment by an Opthamologist, and careful monitoring while you’re using them.

    2. Yes. I’m on restasis for this. I also use a warm eye compress on my eyes at least twice a day (google it — really helps with dry eyes) and use lid scrubs. My brother has had good luck with taking high doses of omegas (he does flax seed and fish oil) with helping his issue. It’s controllable once you get the right routine down.

    3. Agree with the fish oil and flax seed oil.

      Another thing to consider: I (and many others) had their rosacea disappear after being diagnosed and going gluten free. Mine was diagnosed by 2-3 dermatologists and is now totally gone. Gluten is an inflammatory agent and while they’re not sure what causes rosacea, inflammation may play a part. Might be worth it to get rid of or minimize the ocular rosacea to do a two month gluten-free trial to see if it helps.

      1. +1 for gluten free to keep rosacea in check.

        It’s all round wheat rather than only the gluten bit of it for me (some gluten free breads have wheat starch), but the most efficient thing I’m doing for my rosacea, hands down.

  13. I used to have pants in this color and agree that they were surprisingly versatile! They always kicked my outfits up a notch.

  14. For people getting sacked for not getting shots, especially in health care or nursing homes, to me, they are like a surgeon refusing to wash hands or glove up: a danger to people relying on them to protect their fragile health. Will they get unemployment though? Or be easily rehired somewhere else? I feel like people need to know more about our health care and nursing home providers and IDK how to get this info or trust that people won’t lie. I need to get surgery in my sinuses (so I will be unmasked) and have a private duty nurse the first day (live alone) and I feel very vulnerable and no one seems to care.

    1. Yes they are eligible for unemployment. No they won’t be easily rehired into healthcare as long as the mandates last.

      1. I thought they weren’t eligible for unemployment since they were fired for cause?

      2. My understanding is that, in NY at least, healthcare are not eligible for unemployment because it is considered a voluntary separation. Not sure about other professions/states.

      3. You do not get unemployment compensation if you are fired for cause or if you quit. Whether that is the right policy is a different matter, but states would have to change their laws to allow this. There was a recent Forbes article on this as well.

        1. Agree with Anonymous and NYNY, apologies I didn’t see your posts when I wrote mine.

    2. I agree. I like the analogy about surgeons refusing to wash their hands – it’s pretty apt.

    3. Many of them are refusing to get the vaccine because they got the disease while working through the pandemic. They have natural immunity; they may have gotten one shot (and are thus not “fully vaccinated); they resent having put their lives on the line for over a year only to be kicked to the curb when they don’t kiss the ring. They are aware that vaccinated people can still spread the disease, and therefore do not see it as protecting their patients in the same manner as hand-washing.

      Whether or not you agree, what they are doing is not the equivalent of refusing to scrub up.

      1. Actually, it’s a very good analogy. Hand-washing is a risk reduction measure, not a risk elimination measure. So is vaccination for COVID. Vaccinated people can get sick, but they’re much less likely to; if they do get sick, they appear to be contagious for shorter periods of time.

        This isn’t about “kissing the ring”. It’s about reducing risk to patients – who do not have the ability, by the way, to manage their own risk exposure in a health care situation (particularly an in-patient one) as they do in day to day life. I can tell my dentist that I will only see a vaccinated hygienist but I don’t have the same choices if I’m unconscious in the hospital or in labor or in a nursing home.

        Yes, some of them may have natural immunity. But verifying that on a case by case basis is time-consuming in a way that many large employers don’t have the ability to manage.

        1. “Hand-washing is a risk reduction measure, not a risk elimination measure. So is vaccination for COVID.”

          Ding ding ding. I’m tired of people who claim that since the vaccine isn’t 100% perfect in every possible way that it’s not worth getting.

        3. Agreed with all of this, plus there is evidence that getting at least one dose of the vaccine significantly adds to your immunity even if you’ve survived Covid. So while natural immunity is definitely better than nothing, if you can layer vaccination protection on top of that, why wouldn’t you?

      2. If they got one shot, I don’t see the problem with getting a second one. Clearly it’s not a general distrust of vaccines. Kiss the ring rhetoric is completely unnecessary here.
        Vaccinated people are an order of magnitude less likely to get Covid, and you need to get it to spread it. This is an evidence based work requirement, and one that an overwhelming majority of the population supports. They are the customers of a health care system and don’t wish to be treated by unvaccinated staff. So it’s really supply and demand.

        The surgeon/handwashing analogy works in the sense that there has been a decades long misinformation campaign stirring vaccine skepticism and politicizing a health care matter, analogous to how when Ignaz Semmelweis, one of the first proponents of the theory invisible germs can cause disease and who pushed for hand washing in hospitals, was widely dismissed, because of a centuries old ideological belief that doctors/learned men were to be revered absolutely and could not possibly be vectors of disease between sick patients. It took several decades and high profile scientists to get broad acceptance for germ theory.

        1. I didn’t think the requirement was actually evidence based in the scenario described above? I thought recovering from COVID and getting one shot was thought to confer better immunity than vaccination alone. I’m not aware of any existing evidence that additional shots improve immunity further. Of course they may be requiring the shots for reasons other than immunity (like customer demand or because it’s easier this way in terms of logistics or bureaucracy or proving that one’s immune, etc.).

          1. Here is your existing evidence, although the main comparison is between unvaxxed and fully vaxxed. There are very few data points for partially vaxxed patients, but the odd ratio looks significantly better for fully vaxxed. TL;DR Compared to the risk of reinfection to an unvaxxed, recovered person, one shot gives you 40% lower risk, and two shots about 60% lower risk.
            https://www.cdc.gov/mmwr/volumes/70/wr/mm7032e1.htm?s_cid=mm7032e1_w

          2. All the nurses I know who are anti-vax believe crazy conspiracy theories like the vaccine has a microchip or it will make them infertile. None of them say they only need one dose because they had Covid. Also if only getting one dose is that important to you, you can get J and J and be considered fully vaccinated. None of what you’re saying about nurses being fired because they got dose #1 but won’t get dose #2 is true.

      3. Fine. You make your choice. I am making mine: not to do business with you and or to any employer of yours.

        I do worry re: when unconscious or for an elderly person trapped in an nursing home (esp. when family was barred for so long that you relied on staff and staffing processes and how do you even know?).

        Life needs 10b5 liability on everything.

        1. +1, especially to nursing homes. My boss’s 90-something-year-old MIL is in a nursing home. They weren’t able to see her for months. After vaccines were available, 99% of the nursing home residents got vaccinated. My boss and his wife were vaccinated. They were able to visit. Then, when delta hit our area, the unvaccinated staff members got Covid, and there were a few breakthrough infections among the residents. The nursing home stopped allowing visitors. So, the vaccinated residents were being treated by unvaccinated staff but prevented from having vaccinated family members visit them or assist with their care. It’s insane.

          1. I know — I was gobsmacked when I read about this. Like we have learned . . . nothing?

          2. Nursing home staffing is in crisis, so it’s hard since understaffing is also dangerous. It’s a really bad situation. I was so hopeful when “caretaking” was a talking point and a funding priority, but I don’t know what’s even happening with that now.

          3. I understand nursing home staffing is in crisis. That’s part of what would scare me about not being able to visit my relative in a nursing home. Family members can fill gaps in nursing home care and can advocate when the resident cannot.

      4. Oh, and being kicked to the curb? I say healthcare workers who haven’t been vaccinated deserve to be kicked to the curb. No sympathy whatsoever.

        1. I know — we let them be at the front of the line b/c of the risks to them (and the risk they pose to others) and I sincerely think that this line of work is not for such people.

      5. These people probably not be in health care then. At this point, I’m more trusting of Doctor Google than one particular doctor I know (doctor deals with sick kids too young to get shots, has refused to get his older kids shots, pregnant wife is a nurse and refused shots before getting pregnant and is a neonatal nurse, has been dine-in in restaurants all along, travels but is annoyed that can’t easily leave the US). At this point, I would think maybe he’s not so good with the hand-washing but I’ve been in his house in Before Times and he’d wash up after petting the cat.

      6. It has nothing to do with the reasons you listed. The fact that 99% of doctors are vaccinated and only 60% of nurses are tells you everything you need to know. Educated people who’ve actually had training in science understand the vaccine significantly reduces the risk of getting sick and spreading it to others and is worth getting even if you also have natural immunity.

        1. While there are different levels and types of nursing degrees, all nurses have to take chemistry, anatomy & physiology, and microbiology as pre-requisites to get INTO nursing school. How do I know? I am currently taking those classes to switch careers into nursing. And if you don’t think the bachelors of SCIENCE in nursing I’ll achieve to follow this dream counts as “educated”, the bachelors, masters, and PhD I have in a humanities field sure as shit does.

          1. Calm down, I didn’t say nurses are uneducated. But surely you know your situation is extremely unique and the average nurse does not have a PhD? Objectively doctors are *more* educated and have *more* science and medical training than nurses, and the fact that virtually no doctors are refusing the vaccine (despite many of them getting Covid and having “natural immunity” too) is telling and suggests that nurses are not refusing because they have natural immunity. Rather, it’s much more more likely unvaccinated nurses are believing vaccine misinformation.

      7. Eh my own sister is an RN and her reasons for refusing the vaccine were the same as all the people you see on TV – the government can’t tell me what to do, it “untested”, covid is just the flu etc.

        She finally got her first shot because she wanted to keep her job (and secretly I believe she got a little scared after some people close to her got very, very sick) and now she gets to bitch about it on FB, which is her favorite, so win-win.

      8. No it is, refusing to get the vaccine because you have natural immunity is like refusing scrub up for surgery because you washed your hands last time you took a dump, therefore your hands are already clean and don’t need to be washed again. There’s no harm in boosting your natural immunity with a vaccine, it can only help you.

    4. I know that my healthcare employer has said that they will fight unemployment claims for individuals discharged for not getting the vaccine or getting an approved exemption. They normally don’t bother fighting claims. I imagine that many will be taking the same route.

    5. No, of course they won’t be easily rehired somewhere else. All the good hospital systems are implementing mandates. Yeah, maybe some hospital in East Bumble isn’t; that’s where they’ll wind up, and good riddance.

    6. I think how easily they’ll be rehired depends on where they live/willingness to move. In my red state the biggest healthcare systems have vaccine mandates, but many of the rural hospitals don’t so a nurse who refused vaccination could get a job within 50 miles pretty easily, I would assume. If you live in a place with statewide mandates then it’s obviously much harder to get rehired unless you’re willing to move out of state.

      I’m impressed that United Airlines’ mandate seems more effective than many of the hospital mandates. They apparently got 99.5% of their workforce vaccinated without exemptions. It seems like in healthcare people are claiming exemptions at a much higher rate. I read about a hospital system in Arkansas where over 5% of employees have religious exemptions, although I was glad to hear the hospital was taking them seriously and making them sign waivers they wouldn’t use any other medicines derived from stem cells, since that was the basis of their objection (including Tylenol, lol).

      1. sidenote: that 99.5% figure is somewhat misleading, since, per multiple articles, it excludes the 3% who signed up for an exemption. I feel compelled to assume they chose to report this figure since it sounds nice, which is sloppy journalism in my opinion.
        So 99.5% out of 97% are vaccinated, and 3% have medical/religious exemptions, which leaves about 300 people who have taken no action and face losing their job.

        1. Still tho, the point is a good one: hospital staff refusing to get vaxxed should be ashamed that an airline is doing better than they are

        2. Oh ok thanks I didn’t know that. I swear I read that – after the firings – it was 99.5% vaccinated and 0.5% exempt.

      2. Those rural hospitals will be instituting mandates, as well. CMS is going to cut off Medicare & Medicaid payments for any provider who doesn’t. Rural healthcare survives on Medicare money.

  15. I am stuck in a cycle of anxiety that I can’t seem to kick. I feel it physically. Tight jaw, headaches all the time, just a general feeling of being tired and wired. Usually hard exercise will burn off the worst of it, but it’s not helping enough. My life is not going to magically become less stressful, so any ideas on how to get rid of the physical symptoms? I’m already on an SSRI; part of me wonders if it’s stopped working.

    1. I called my PCP with similar symptoms. The stress in my face and jawline was constantly and would manifest in regular migraines. She gave me a one-week (or maybe 10-day?) course of muscle relaxants to kick off my treatment; she said that I had to release physical pain that I had already caused from tooth grinding. Then I simultaneously started SSRIs and got an OTC mouthguard to wear at night. By the end of the muscle relaxant treatment, my headaches were gone. They have not recurred, although I’m still adjusting my SSRIs. Maybe something similar will help you?

  16. For those of you in public service – what’s keeping you there? I’m burnt out and fed up with my long hours, ridiculous job duties, and low pay. I always thought I’d work my whole career in public service (fully admit I’m a bleeding heart and this job is 100% a helping job), but I’m starting to expand my job search to the private sector. The pay/benefits/perks look awesome, but I feel disappointed in myself to turning my back on my old field. The private sector jobs Im applying to are related to my current field, but a lot of what I do isn’t found in the private sector.

    1. I’m a lawyer in public service, but spent the first 9 years in BigLaw on the private side. My hours are not low now, but they were way worse in BigLaw. For me as a lawyer, I’m earning 20% what I would have been earning this year, which is rough, but having experienced the grind, I’m okay here for a little bit. Make sure you understand the difference in workload, which I’m sure is field-specific.

      I don’t mind having a pension (we vest in five years, and I’m halfway there), but think people over value them if you have the ability to save and invest that excess on your own.

      1. I’m just so over being given Herculean tasks, and working long hours to do so, to be paid half of what my private sector friends make! I love helping my community, but something has got to give!!!

    2. I’m still here because I feel like the worst parts of the job would still be there regardless of where I worked — frankly I’m too burned out to be working at all, regardless of where. But where I am now, I have seniority and the flexibility that comes with it, everyone else is also burned out AF, and the actual helping people part sometimes lifts my spirits and keeps me going. Every time someone I help at work tells me that they are praying for me, that’s enough to keep me going for a week at least, and I don’t even believe in god. A bigger paycheck would be nice, but my needs are met and I have good savings, and my wants are largely satisfied by the library and long walks (I’m a cheap date!).

    3. I think about this all the time. I’m in health care, and frequently rant about how much more money people make by simply opting out of taking Medicare/Medicaid patients, or sometimes even private insurance. That means they have easier jobs, and they only work with a narrow slice of the population (rich people). My values and priorities keep me going on hard days.

      In my experience, if the issue is salary (which it isn’t always): there’s often more money to spend on talent than anyone admits. I make more than you’d suspect based on my job description, and it’s because I’ve gritted my teeth and negotiated hard based on my productivity and experience. I’m also about to take a new job at a salary far higher than I was initially offered for it, because I declined what they had said was their final offer. Suddenly more money appeared when I walked. Public service culture is steeped in this notion that nobody makes real money, but some of us do. It sucks that you have to play chicken with employers, but sometimes it works.

      If salary isn’t the issue, or won’t budge, it’s also ok to just realize you can’t do it anymore. I don’t think less of people who couldn’t do it anymore, and that time may come for me at some point too. I just think it’s more responsible to tell it like it is rather than pretend private sector work is the same job but just has better perks.

      1. An anecdote is that many small businesses don’t take insurance not just for the low rates it gives but also because they don’t have to hire staff to deal with the insurance, billing codes, etc., etc. I know a counselor and a dentist who just can’t handle this administratively (or that the would lose $, especially in dental). It’s awful and maybe why we need to fund free or sliding scale clinics and not put the burden on providers but absorb it as a societal cost (or a cost borne by allowing some fields to be licensed — like being assigned counsel the way lawyers have to do it sometimes where there aren’t enough public defenders or legal aid lawyers).

        1. Oh, I know this. I just think the solution is to work for an organization or practice group that has staffing to handle all the billing stuff, rather than opt out.

    4. I wholeheartedly believe in the work I do. (Public defender.) So that is why I am still here. I am burned out though for the first time in 13 years. The pandemic has had a lot to do with that and I hope things will get better. It honestly makes me cry to think of leaving this job, but I also am so exhausted. From other long-time people here, I have learned the burnout comes in waves and if you want to stay, you have to set boundaries, find outlets outside of work, and compartmentalize. It is hard.

    5. Me.

      I like my job… but one thing about Public Service/Government is that we are given basically no resources for staff, but the programs we run are often massive.

      I currently run 4 different programs for which – if I were in the private sector would 100% have their own VP’s because of their size. Heck, even 10-15 years ago, the job I am doing now was done by 4 people – all at or above my current level. The overall size of the agency I work in has shrunk by 40% but the amount of work we have done (federal reporting, program size, dollars flowing through) has more than doubled.

      The tradeoff to my lower salary is that I should be able to take all this flexible vacation time and take plenty of time off when my kids are sick… well… we have so little staff that I actually need to work during vacations or major things don’t get done. And I don’t mean, ‘Oh, X meaningless report is late.’, I mean like, ‘Critical program has local office which has unexpected crisis and needs me to expedite emergency funds so that they don’t miss a payroll for their Essential Employee staff.’

    6. I left work at a state regulator for the private sector and saw my salary nearly quadruple in a decade (compliance work, health tech). I still do work that feels meaningful and service-oriented but without the endless budget squeeze, disrespect, and overall absurdity of government bureaucracy. I will say that I work much harder in the private sector (50-60 hrs a week is normal), have been laid off twice, and have to contend with much more ambitious, climber-type people.

      1. I’m in road and infrastructure and have to agree with this comment on working longer hours and contending with aggressive ladder climbers in the private sector. In my experience, the state governments’ salaries lag much behind the private sector, but the federal government’s are closer and quite competitive. My fed job has been low stress, rewarding, with competitive compensation and benefits. I like where I’m at.

  17. Ugh. My kids’ school reopened after 18 months being closed / remote / sending them YouTube videos for instruction. One kid has already had two lockdowns. One kid is failing math (which is concerning since it is so cumulative and yes, we now have a tutor, but that is another parental driving burden, so one step forward, one step back . . .). Neither school bus came this morning. Often afternoon buses leave school an hour after school ends (so kid arrives home about 2 hours after school lets out). Bigger kids = bigger problems: emotionally fraught people, school is hard, hormones make for lots of yelling / tears.

    I had thought that I would make it until they were in school. I’ve never not been a worker, starting when I was a kid. I am coming to accept that my only good working hours are from 10 (when I got to work today after doing two different drop-offs) until 4 (leave work in case a kid is actually home for dinner and to take the dog out, which the kids could do if they were home before 6). Kids can’t do activities b/c the end of day is too unpredictable, kids are miserable. I am miserable. I am just so done unless I can manage to swing a new job that doesn’t need me to add to my evening / end of day stress. The days of reliably logging in at 7 or 9 at night and having energy and stamina are apparently behind me, possibly permanently (even if it might get better next year, I won’t last that long).

    If I were religious, I’d be asking for prayers. Maybe just raise a glass tonight to the memory of another working mom ringing the bell (see McRaven Texas Tech commencement address).

    1. Can the tutor come to your house? When I tutored, I always went to their place. Can you sign one of them up for cross-country, which usually meets right after school and will level off some of the hormones?

  18. I love that Britney is finally free and can kick it to all of those parasites (mostly her loser dad). I’m not sure why she is posting all of these naked pics of herself. Not judging – she is free to do what she wants – but trying to understand. Is it a form of rebellion? Is she just feeling carefree and the pics reflect how she feels?

    1. I saw that, too. I think that she has never gotten attention for anything other than that (and then there are the people who just want her $), so she’s kind of trained? I’d love it if she posted bad haiku or just anything but that. But it’s too much to hope for I think. I just hope someone will keep her from running off the rails, b/c she’s not had any good training for adulting, just putting out a performance for $ that feeds a lot of bottom-feeders. Poor girl never had a chance.

    2. I don’t think it would be rebellion, because she has been partially clothed for her career since she was a teenager.

      Maybe she just likes being naked? Lots of people like posting nude thirst traps.

      1. This wouldn’t surprise me. Also, as someone whose image used to be so s3xualized, she may feel that she just missed a large span of her “good years” in terms of, you know, looking a certain way before you get old. She couldn’t really control her image under the conservatorship. Maybe she’s in a rush to make up for lost time in nud3 photos, and do the most before her “last f*able day.” (Brit and I are the same age!)

        1. Honestly I get this and feel this way sometimes. When I show a bit of skin (although not NEARLY this much) this is usually why.

          1. Actually I revise my statement in light of what people are saying below. It’s usually because I’m hot and love being hot and also recognizing that it won’t feel like this forever so I should live it up.

            I don’t for all sorts of reasons (i.e., I don’t want the negative externalities it would bring), but I do think it would be really nice to have some naked pics, and if I had them I’d want to post them :) She’s a celebrity and expectations are different, so she’s much more able to.

    3. I definitely have Opinions about whether or not this was a good idea, but I do understand the heady intoxication of getting good news and wanting to over-share or over-celebrate as a result. She feels good about herself and wants to bask in that feeling. Same reason you drink too much at weddings.

      1. IDK — when I’m feeling good about myself (tax accountant), I don’t post nudes. Actually, I’m not posting anything at all, but just living in the moment.

    5. I remember her complete breakdown – which certainly appeared to be a result of mental illness. (It was distressing how the media originally covered it as kooky, entitled celebrity and only after the initial coverage did they seem to realize she was not well.) I am happy for her and wish her the best, but am also really hoping she does not go off the rails again.

    6. Possibly because her body has been under so much control, including an IUD that she doesn’t want, and posing nude is a huge “you can’t stop me anymore, crazy dad” statement.

    7. The naked pictures are interesting to me too – my interpretation is that her dad had such a stranglehold on her entire life for so long, including her cultivated and engineered public persona, that she’s going to an extreme of showing him (and the world) “you’re not in control of me any more.” Objectively, she looks great at 39 and TBH if I had her body I’d probably be posting naked thirst-trap pictures too – especially if I had been surveilled, drugged, babysat, stage-managed and infantilized through most of my adulthood. I feel like the real question is, how was this allowed to happen and how was it allowed to continue for so long? And how can society prevent this from happening again, to the next teen pop star with an underemployed, overambitious, manipulative, money-grubbing parent?

  19. Six women in my neighborhood are planning a road trip to Nashville to see a mutual friend/ drink and visit the bars next month. We’re in the Chicago area, so it’s not an insignificant ride. That coupled with covid – I’m thinking it’s a No for me, right? I need a reality check. Fwiw, we all have unvaccinated elementary kids at home.

    1. We are happily traveling ourselves, but… traveling as our own household of two low risk vaxxed adults, dining outdoors (indoors only very occasionally and in restaurants that require proof of vax), and wearing masks for indoor activities.

      Densely packed bar-hopping for adults with unvaxxed kids? NOPE.

      1. I’d want some covid-resisters brought along — these people have been bullet-proof — traveling (while eating, so their masks are never on, even on planes), going to concerts, bars every weekend, unvaxxed kids (even though one is old enough). I almost want to have a COVID-pool for when they get it (in which cases, about 15 people will go down with them, a couple of which are old/frail). But they are so bullet-proof that either they have an invisitbility cloak or are so lucky as to let them pick lottery #s for me or (most likely) will be 1000% worse for the next pandemic.

        1. I am not a doctor, but I do think some people have inherent immunity to this virus. My BF has been traveling the whole time and attending in-person meetings and going out at night, all for work, and he hasn’t picked it up.

    2. Nashville is a cesspool right now. If you’re Covid cautious, do not come here.

    3. I wouldn’t go.

      Last I checked, the hospitals there were
      overfull. Even if you’re not worried about Covid risk, you’re risking not being able to get the best care if you have a car accident/heat attack/whatever.

      If you do care about Covid risk, I absolutely wouldn’t go bar hopping somewhere with a low vaccination rate.

    4. I wouldn’t go until the kids are eligible for vaccination. The risk you’ll get a mild case and spread it to them is too high.

      1. I also wouldn’t go to bars or indoor dining right now regardless of whether or not I had kids. The risk-reward ratio is just not there for me. But YMMV of course.

    5. I was supposed to be flying to Nashville today to meet up with girlfriends and I pulled the plug and am very glad I did. Too risky plus I don’t want to spend money in such a COVID-denying state.

    6. Road trip with fully vaccinated people to spend time together mostly outdoors? I’m all for it.

      Bar hopping in Nashville? No thanks. I’m in a red state and I am not stepping foot in a bar here. Many unvaxxed people.

      1. Same here. I am still doing weekend trips of 2 hours in my car alone and then camping all weekend with my car camping friends. Very relaxing; first shower home is great. I cannot wait to do a fancy hotel spa weekend tho.

        1. I can never decide what’s the best about backpacking – the first real meal, the first shower, or the first night in my own bed.

    7. Nope. Not a good idea. Not a lot of great places to visit right now but NYC and parts of CA are good, and there are CA cities that require proof of vaccination to dine/drink inside, so you might look for those.

      1. Washington DC area is doing pretty well. I don’t know that restaurants require proof of vaccination to eat inside, but it’s gorgeous here now and we have so much good outdoor eating. And drinking!

        Mask compliance is good, I have friends who’ve been to museums and it’s totally fine. Not a terrible drive from Chicago, either, especially if you have more than one person driving. You can do it in one long day.

        1. DC doesn’t require vaxxs in all restaurants, but enough do that if you want that, the market will provide.

    8. How are we supposed to decide what you want to do. I’d go. Sounds fun. If you don’t want to don’t. But own your decision. It’s not objectively wrong to do.

  20. Anyone have suggestions for things to do in Solvang area? My husband and I will be there in just under 2 weeks. Arriving on a Monday midday and leaving early Thursday. I have an electric bike tour booked and one fancy dinner at Coast Range, but nothing else. It’s our anniversary, and we’ve had a really rough month as Hurricane Ida put a tree through our roof a few weeks ago. I want it to be enjoyable but I just haven’t had the energy for planning. Any suggestions of things to do or places to eat would be much appreciated! (We are both fully vaccinated and generally COVID-cautious.)

      1. +1 there are so many great wineries in the area.

        I was just there and our best meal was at The Gathering Table at the Ballard Inn, in the next little town over. Amazing food and service (if quite expensive). Go into Los Olivos and do some wine tasting — we especially like Carhartt. Also there’s a nice art gallery there on the main drag in Los Olivos.

    2. Ok I love Solvang but it’s a day trip for me because it’s just not that big. So plan to do some relaxing, but here are my top suggestions.

      1) definitely tour the Santa Ynez mission

      2) eat all the pastries. My favorite is Birkholm’s but heck, with four days try then all

      3) I LIVE for visiting the Ostrich farm. Go multiple times

      4) have a smorgasbord lunch

      5) try Santa Maria barbecue. I like the Hitching Post in Buellton. Get the Tri tip. Don’t skip the beans.

      6) at least one breakfast at Red Viking

      7) poke around in the shops. I like the shoe shop with the wooden clog out front and the western apparel shop across the street

      Enjoy! We obviously love the place a lot.

    3. If you are looking for something to do, La Purísima State Historic Park is less than 30 minutes away and is a lovely place to walk around. Los Olivos is also a really nice visit. For restaurants, I suggest you just check Yelp for what is current and open.

    4. Thank you! Wine is definitely on the list! ;)

      I’ll check out some of these other suggestions as well – definitely looking forward to relaxing a little for sure!

    6. There are several small missions in the area, as El Camino Real runs through that part of California. It’s nice to see some other ones than Santa Barbara (Queen of the Missions) or San Gabriel (now sadly damaged by arson).

  21. It sounds like Katie Couric is burning it all down with her new memoir, which includes a bunch of stuff people gossiped about but never knew for sure (e.g., her rivalry with Diane Sawyer). That said, I think her support for Matt Lauer and calling him “a decent person,” raises eyebrows. I know that for every disgusting man, there are defenders out there and women who weren’t subjected to the disgusting behaviour have no knowledge about the abuse/rape/etc. Still, as a woman, I’m floored that she thinks what Matt did was bad because he ruined the show that they both loved (umm, how about what he did was bad because he exploited young staffers and interns and took advantage of his power dynamic, repeatedly and without any remorse!?!?) It’s kind of like someone saying that they’re disappointed in Bill Clinton because he ruined the Dem’s chances of making progress on policies because of his careless disregard for the office (i.e., ignoring the fact that he basically ruined Monica’s and Paula’s and Jennifer Flowers’ lives).

    1. Yes, with the caveat that I haven’t read the full book, what’s been released so far is very disappointing and makes her sound unsupportive of his victims. I haaaaate when women say “he couldn’t have sexually assaulted anyone, because he was always such a gentleman to me.” Rapists don’t rape every woman they meet! In fact, it’s a known thing that they tend to target women who lack power relative to them or are vulnerable in some way, so the (often powerful) woman saying he didn’t assault her disproves nothing. How hard is this to understand!

      2. After Harvey Weinstein, Bill Cosby, Danny Masterson, R. Kelly, etc. etc. (on and on) it should be obvious to everyone that the idea of “he can’t be a rapist because he never tried to rape me” is a ridiculous fallacy. And Katie Couric should definitely know better than to hold that belief. How disappointing.

    2. Ugh, that’s disappointing. Matt Lauer is objectively terrible. If you can’t say anything critical of him, don’t say anything at all!

      Related — I just read an interview where Aaron Sorkin totally bashed the disgraced ex-producer of To Kill a Mockingbird and said he got what he deserved, which was pleasantly surprising to read in that kind of story. More of that, less “decent person” bs, please.

    4. I always thought that Katie Couric was about Katie Couric, not any particular principles.

  22. While there are different levels and types of nursing degrees, all nurses have to take chemistry, anatomy & physiology, and microbiology as pre-requisites to get INTO nursing school. How do I know? I am currently taking those classes to switch careers into nursing. And if you don’t think the bachelors of SCIENCE in nursing I’ll achieve to follow this dream counts as “educated”, the bachelors, masters, and PhD I have in a humanities field sure as shit does.

    1. I’m sure this comment made perfect contextual sense nested wherever it was supposed to go, but I laughed out loud with delight at the idea that nurses are suddenly taking no shit and leaving random rants to the universe.
      It’s been a tough year for y’all, bruh :)

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