Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Brienna Shift Dress

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1. DC rettes – can you tell me a little about the AU Park neighborhood? We’re considering moving there from across the park in Petworth. Its only a few miles away but feels like another world. Our kids would go to Janney/Deal/Jackson Reed. What is the community like? We love Petworth because it is a really tight-knit, family friendly, and diverse community, but are moving for schools.

   1. I grew up in AU Park and it was an amazing place as a kid. We were super close to the other kids on the street (running in and out of various backyards/houses whenever we wanted) and my parents liked being walking distance from Tenleytown and the metro. Back in the 90s/early 2000s the majority of the families with the means to do so ended up sending their kids to private schools (Sidwell/Maret/Stone Ridge etc) or moving out to Maryland (full disclosure, that’s what my parents did) after elementary school, but even back then some of my classmates stayed in public schools and ended up at Ivies/other high ranking colleges. It was really diverse when I was growing up, but I think probably noticeably less diverse now and definitely less diverse than Petworth.

   2. I also grew up in the neighborhood in same era as the previous poster and loved it. My parents owned their house there for nearly 30 years, but my sibling and I attended private school after Janney (in our case, Catholic middle/high schools), as did a number of our friends. At the time, the experience with Deal and what used to be Wilson was mixed, and my parents’ sense was that whether or not you tracked into certain honors/AP classes had a big impact. I’m not sure how accurate this was, as I knew many other neighborhood friends from elementary school that stayed in the public school system and went to top colleges. From talking to colleagues with school-age kids in the area, it seems that it is still fairly common for kids to go to private schools after elementary, though this is by no means the rule.

      That said, it was a great place to grow up, which I have come to appreciate more now that I am raising my own kids. It offered the feeling and community of a suburban neighborhood while also giving us easy accessibility to the rest of the city, and I loved having the independence to be able to take buses and Metro to other parts of DC (or even just walking to some of the nearby stores and restaurants) before being old enough to drive. I also appreciate some of the character and charm that is hard to replicate in newer suburbs — not just in the houses, but in the local buildings and businesses. Ultimately, I think it offers the best of both worlds, and have great memories from living there!

2. My MIL just tested positive for COVID. She’s healthy but mid-60s and overweight. Unfortunately we just moved a 4 hour drive away (used to be 45 mins). Any advice for how we can best help her from afar? She is fiercely independent but lives alone and we are her most proximate relatives. The more we can suggest specific things to help her the more likely she is to say yes!

   1. Send a Spoonful of Comfort soup care package.

   2. Offer to coordinate delivery of whatever she needs.

   3. I wouldn’t borrow trouble here – is she seriously ill or just testing positive? Is she going to get one of the antivirals?

      1. adding to this, if the issue is access to food (bc of 5 day isolation), you could suggest ordering groceries for her, or doing the legwork of Ubereats if she isn’t tech savvy, or would she have neighbors that could drop things off at her door?

      2. +1. My 75-year-old parents just had COVID and were generally fine other than feeling tired. Their biggest needs were help getting a bunch of cold medicine ordered for delivery from Target and assistance signing up for Netflix because they were bored and needed things to watch on TV. It really depends on how the person is feeling.

      3. Fair point! She reports that she’s feeling pretty poorly, which means she’s likely very sick if she’s willing to admit it. She’s waiting on Dr advice about antivirals. Good idea on ordering groceries for her, I don’t think she’s done that before.

   4. Maybe send her a bunch of tests so she can know when she is testing negative 2x (unless she is like Biden who then goes + gain). And a fingertip oxygen monitor? Most people are a bit overweight, so if she’s otherwise healthy, I’m thinking she’d be fine. BUT IF NOT: are you text friends at least with her proximate neighbors so that you can reach out to them if she needs anything or needs a welfare check if she becomes unresponsive to your calls / texts?

      I live 12+ hours from my parents and am the closest relative to them, so we have this plan for health generally (to the point where if no one responds, they know that the police will be by to do a welfare check as their close neighbors are older than they are and may themselves be ill / fall / encounter a bear while taking out the trash can, etc. Am so relieved that a 50ish couple moved in on the other side recently and have college-aged kids who live with them in the summer).

      1. You don’t need to test negative twice after 10 days. Don’t add silly nonsense to her plate.

         1. Eh, send the tests. If she’s gone through some, always good to have some on hand for the next time.

   5. Is she fully vaxxed / boosted? Is she talking to her doctor about getting Paxlovid? If the answer to both of these is yes, then chances are she’s just going to have a particularly bad cold where she needs to isolate, and then wear masks in public for a while afterwards. Assuming she can get food deliveries either through a neighbor who can drop off things or via a delivery service, there’s really nothing else that you would need to do IMO, other than whatever you might typically do if she were feeling under the weather (phone calls, send flowers, etc.). For what it’s worth, everyone I know in that older age range who has been vaxxed / boosted who has gotten COVID has had a mild time — not that it’s not draining in the moment, but nothing that requires “care” from others.

      1. I had so many symptoms that were totally unlike a cold. Don’t get me wrong – I didn’t need anyone to take care of me – but this “bad cold” description annoys me. And yes, fully vaxxed and boosted and I honestly don’t think it made a lick of difference.

         1. Same. I’m in Day 8 and it is nothing like any cold I’ve ever had. I have never had exhaustion for over a week with a cold.

            1. I never got an extra period with a cold.

            2. yep. The 4 weeks of debilitating post-viral fatigue has never happened with a cold or flu before for me!

            3. A 21 year old family friend had it. He isolated at his apartment up near where he goes to school. He was so sick that he felt like he couldn’t lift his head from the bed for most of the second day of symptoms. One period of more than 24 hours he didn’t contact anyone because he was either asleep or too weak to use his phone, giving us all a scare. He was really, really sick for a solid 8 days and didn’t text negative until well after his 10th day. This is a healthy, gym-fit young man in his prime.

               His father who is in his late 40s and significantly overweight had what he described as a regular flu and was better in 4 days. He’s the one that should have been sicker per the news, but there seems to be some randomness to this.

               That said, neither of them described it as “just a cold” – agree with others we shouldn’t say that to people and minimize what they went through or are going through.

         2. My husband and I are both fully vaxed and boosted (except we are not eligible for the second booster in our province). We had Covid this week after never having It before and are very fatigued and lightheaded much more so than a cold. I had to call paramedics when my husband passed out at home, and had to go to emerge when I couldn’t stand. we are both recovering, and we barely have any stamina. Days before we became sick we had a our annual blood work done, and it came out fine. We are in Our early 50s and excercise, cycle and walk daily. I’m guessing because we were last boosted in Jan, our immunity was low. We both felt awful and it’s been hard. My 75 year old mother has dropped off groceries twice. I wish I never got Covid as I was masking everywhere and eating outdoors.

      2. Wow, a lot of the younger people I know were hit harder than that (= worse than the flu, nothing like a bad cold, weird neuro symptoms).

      3. My 40ish spouse had it, vaxxed and boosted, and was laid up for a week with really awful symptoms. He doesn’t remember several days of it because his fever was so high. He absolutely needed me to take care of him. I never tested positive (though I felt crappy for a few days) and his 60ish boss, who exposed him, had no symptoms.

         I think it just affects everyone differently and I think we should all stop telling people that it’s a big deal or that it’s not a big deal – either way – but instead ask what they are experiencing.

         1. +1

            For my husband and I and most of the people we know who have had Covid, it’s been most easily described as a “weird cold” – a day or two of fever, some lingering congestion for a few days after that, distinguishing feature being the mucus was super extra thick.

            Others have more distinctive symptoms or a longer illness.

            I would never want to be dismissive of someone else’s experience, so it’s why I asked above about why the OP was jumping to “omg what can I do to help, she tested positive!” — i.e., what type of help she might need based on whether she’s stuck laying on the couch recovering or whether she just needs life-logistics help while stuck at home.

      4. As someone who has had approximately seven thousand colds in my life, this is nothing like a cold. Like, at all. Can we not?

   6. Send her a pulse oximeter (good to have just in case). Offer to set her up with delivery for food or otc meds.

      1. Great idea on the pulse oximeter! I am certain she doesn’t have one.

   7. Just a pet peeve, but someone mid-60s is hardly likely to need help with the internet or to be incapable of caring for themselves. We’ve gotten along just fine and are Gen X, thanks.

      1. YMMV. My mid-60s parents have never ordered groceries online. I just talked my mom through how to mobile order at Starbucks. Not saying they’re idiots, just if you’ve never done it before, if you’re feeling icky it’s not the greatest time to learn.

         1. Same here, but my parents are also rural, so these things just aren’t things where they live. Like there is no Starbucks. There is Dunkin though. They think phones are for emergencies and for texting pictures to family members. There is no Uber, much less Uber eats. There are teens in the ‘hood who will often drive to down if you text them a list. My parents would have to pay them with cash as they don’t do Venmo, etc.

      2. Someone mid-60s is a boomer, since that is anyone born between 1955 and 1964. And it just varies. I had to explain to my late 60s mom how to forward an email yesterday. There is no way that she could order groceries online, but she didn’t work in a job that required computers before retiring.

      3. Also, I thought the oldest Gen Xers were still in their late 50s. Isn’t the X/Boomer line drawn around 1964?

         1. Yep. Gen X is squarely middle-aged, responsible for both aging parents and teenaged kids but locked out of political power.

            1. But has the whining down from lots of practice complaining about boomers, or so it would seem.

            2. Ah no, that’s the Millenials.

      4. My tech savvy father in law just turned 60 and orders in Amazon all the time, but he really struggles with online food ordering. My mom, who is 70 this year, got a smart phone before me but struggles with excel and doesn’t touch online food ordering. Not all people are the same.

   8. I’m 65, fully vaccinated and double boosted, and recently got over COVID. I’m active and healthy. My symptoms were mild (headache, sore throat, low grade fever, and fatigue). I started Paxlovid on day 5 of symptoms which is when I tested positive, and it knocked it out right away. Apparently, many doctors don’t know to prescribe Paxlovid, depending on where you live. She needs to start on it within 5 days of symptoms so should definitely push for it soon.

      1. Very helpful, thank you, Smokey!

         1. I would add that the timing for starting Paxlovid is important. You might want to help with ensuring MIL has the drugs in hand. I was pretty sick and the pharmacy associated with one of the top health systems in the world apparently did not think it important to let me know that they did not have the drug in stock, leaving me to track it down at a time when I was not high-functioning. Don’t assume that the doctor’s transmission of the Rx to the pharmacy is sufficient. Follow up to ensure they have it in stock, verify when it will be delivered, and check with MIL to be certain she has received it.

      2. It’s not that they don’t know how to prescribe. Paxlovid isn’t recommended for everyone. It is emergency use authorization and supposed to be reserved for only those at high risk of complications until more testing completes. This is Pfizer’s fact sheet as of beginning of July: https://www.fda.gov/media/155050/download#:~:text=The%20US%20Food%20and%20Drug,at%20least%2040%20kg)

         1. It can be both.

         2. It’s also contraindicated for multiple people based on their other medications. The group of people who should take it is very tiny.

      3. My parents just got over COVID. They’re both 75. My mom didn’t get on the stick to request Paxlovid in time, but my dad did. They felt about the same (congested and tired, nothing major) but my dad tested negative 2 days sooner than my mom despite testing positive after her.

3. How do you know when you’re ready to buy a house. I saw a house this weekend that I really love. It’s more than I was planning to spend but it’s beautiful and in a great area. Financially I’ve run the numbers and it should be fine (mortgage plus insurance, taxes, saving for repairs, etc comes in below 40% of what is left of my take home pay after maxing out retirement contributions) but it would be a lot more than I’ve paid for housing in the past. I would love to have more space and a small yard but I also love being able to save and travel and eat out without having to think too much about it. I thought I was ready and had found the right house but when the time came to make an offer I chickened out. Is buying a house one of those things where when you know, you know? Or is it normal to feel nervous and anxious and move forward anyway as long as it makes decent financial sense?

   1. Both! You often know — and it’s normal to make you anxious. Housing costs a lot.

   2. You can’t really compare costs of renting because when you buy you’re building equity. It’s another form of investing. And like all investments, some are better than others so choose wisely. But you also get to live there and that brings a lot of freedom and enjoyment too.

   3. For me I knew the house was right the moment I stepped inside, and was still nervous / anxious about moving forward. In fact, I even felt remorse for the first few months I had my house, even though it was my dream home. I’ve noticed I go through a period of anxiety / remorse with all big purchases I make, and have come to expect that’s part of the process and not a sign I made the wrong decision. I think it comes from a fear of spending so much money at once, even when it’s on something practical.

   4. Both! It’s normal to be a little nervous about choosing something that’s not only your living space but also one of your most significant investments.

   5. Buying your first house is a leap of faith. My husband and I might never have gotten over the hump without our agent who cheerfully and matter of factly started us on the offer paperwork when she knew we’d found the right place. It was one of the best decisions we ever made.

   6. I knew I was ready to buy a house and leave apartments behind when I was *this close* to murdering my obnoxious upstairs neighbors.

   7. For me, it was when I was just tired of having a landlord. I rented privately and didn’t enjoy wondering if my lease would be renewed or the landlord would get upset about something breaking or whatever. But friends in more commercial places are also experiencing fickle landlords kicking them out over nothing or drastically raising rents. In my market buying ended up being cheaper than renting, though. I am not sure if I’d have bought to pay more.

   8. I’m in a similar boat as you currently. I have a one in a once in a life time opportunity to buy a dream home directly from the seller (aka family). The home will be more expensive than our current home, but it’s a home that we’d honestly never have to renovate, it just needs to be maintained, and it’s the forever home we could live in until we need to downsize. I’m nervous but excited. Good luck :)

   9. It took me three times (I house hunted across three different periods years apart) to pull the trigger. And honestly I am still feeling overwhelmed. But if the numbers work out and you love the house then do it. Starting out it’s going to be more expensive than renting but like someone said you’re building equity, and also locking in a monthly payment that will eventually be less than renting. Good luck!

   10. The NYT has a great rent versus buy calculator that lets you consider things like keeping cash in investments or in real estate+ rent price hikes each year etc. I’d highly suggest playing around with it to convince yourself if the finances make sense.

       I wanted to buy because we were just DONE with apartment living + ready to put down roots & get a dog+ 10% rent hikes each year + kind of fine with doing maintenance ourselves vs. calling the office daily, but we wouldn’t have bought if the finances made sense.

   11. I just knew with both my first house and the one I own and live in now. Both were slightly over what I thought of as my budget and both have been absolutely fine financially. Don’t forget that your mortgage interest, which is most of your payment in the early years, will be tax deductible, so figure your effective after tax payment when thinking about whether you can swing the monthly payment.

       But congratulations on finding the right house!!

4. For the person asking for the “culinary experience” in Madrid.
   I think what you are looking for is Diverxo, or in the same level Coque, Ático by Ramon Freixa, Dstage, Casino by Paco Roncero, Sacha or Corral de la Moreria (a flamenco venue too but with Michelin star restaurant).
   If you looking for a more classic style the historical best one options are Zalacain, Viridiana o Lhardy. The traditional style ones are Casa Salvador, Casa Alberto, Casa Lucio, Casa Dani, Casa Botín.
   If you want to mix with locals and go where a Madrilian corporette could be find: La máquina, El paraguas, Ultramarinos Quintin, Lobito de mar, La maruca, Cañadío, La bien aparecida, Ten con Ten, Triciclo or Sala de despiece.
   And the “place to be” is Ponzano str or Olavide sq. There you can go for cañas (beers) to “El doble” or to dinner to “Sala de despiece”. Or try any other in that street. (nearby is Museo Sorolla if you want to do the same day)

   nt The traditional dish in Madrid is “cocido madrileño” (yellow peas stew), you can try in La bola, La Daniela or La gran tasca in the city centre but if you go to San Lorenzo del Escorial book a table in El charoles.

   1. Thank you so much for the detailed advice! I just copied this into my Google doc for the trip so I can look everything up!

      1. Glad to know. If I can help with other thing post again.

   2. It is amazing to me that Calle Ponzano is the place to be now – I lived there when I studied abroad in Madrid almost 15 years ago now and it was so quiet and low key. I have to go back to see the changes for myself!

      1. The whole Chambery neighborhood has became the favourite area for locals. But Ponzano is the hottest spot, the whole st full of bars & rest and every week with new openings.

5. The cut of this seems to shrink her top half and amplify her bottom half (and she is a model!) — exactly not what I need.

   1. But it is exactly what I need as a short-waisted, straight-up-and-down with very athletic shoulders and chest. I can’t really do sleeveless because of blemishes (ugh) but I see there is a jacket.

   2. Her weird posing isn’t helping

6. This dress is pretty, but it’s a sheath, not a shift. Yes, I know the manufacturer gave it that name. The manufacturer is wrong.

   1. I’ve always assumed ‘sheath’ is just US English for ‘shift’. What’s the difference as you see it?

      1. To me a shift is more shapeless and a sheath is more fitted.

      2. No, used correctly, a shift is a more straight-up-and-down cut, while a sheath is closely tailored to the body. The brand should have called this a sheath.

         1. Eh, to me it’s a shift that’s too small for the model! But tomato-tomato

   2. Agreed. A ‘sheath dress’ is much more closely fitting, it ‘sheaths’ the body like a scabbard sheaths (and closely fits around) a sword. A ‘shift’ dress can (but usually doesn’t) have any seaming or tailoring (darts, waist seaming) it derives from the medieval shifts of underdresses which are almost shaped more like nightdresses. Words matter retailers!

      1. Agreed. From my sewing experience, shifts generally have darts at the chest but that’s it — and a very straight cut on the sides, so they should not be particularly fitted on the hips. So a sheath is analogous to skinny jeans and a shift is analogous to straight leg or somewhat wide leg jeans. I guess to continue the analogy, flares would be A line dresses?

   3. From my sewing experience, my understanding is that a shift does not have a waist seam, and a sheath has one. They can both be loose or fitted, but a shift is usually looser as the front and back are cut from one piece with or without darts and shaping. A sheath has many more pieces and seams.

      1. A sheath doesn’t have to have a waist seam. The close fit can be attained with seaming, such as Princess seams.

         1. +1 of course! I love princess seam shaping.

7. Ugh, so sick of retailers driving the season. It is August 1. I’m in a heat advisory today. Tweed is several months from being reality. Can we just enjoy the season we’re in?

   1. This reminds of being in school as a kid. I used to get majorly depressed at the first “Back to School Sale” sign, which usually came way too early in late July (NYC school don’t start until after Labor Day usually).

      1. Around here school starts after Labor Day, but Target puts out its school supplies right after July 4 and is sold out of nearly everything by early August.

   2. Preach. We have another five weeks of pools being open! I want to enjoy summer, not hustle straight to autumn because two months is enough.

   3. Do you not shop a season ahead? I think most of us do and certainly retailers market for the next season and always have.

      1. I absolutely do not. I don’t know what I’m going to need or want until I’m in that season. I live somewhere with 4 seasons, so maybe it’s different in other climates?

         1. I live in California which 100% has 4 seasons: Not so warm (Dec till May), Warm (Jun-mid Aug), Indian Summer/On Fire (Aug-Sept) and Wet (Nov-Dec).

            1. In SoCal the seasons are earthquakes, floods, fire, and Santa Ana winds.

      2. I definitely don’t. The weather is very random where I live, so I can’t predict what I will need. Maybe it will snow 15 times this winter, maybe it won’t snow at all. Maybe summer will be mild, maybe it will be over 100 degrees day after day.

      3. Not really. My needs can vary from year to year, so anything bought ahead isn’t always a good choice. I also live in a place where there are like 12 seasons, so the most I can manage is shopping ahead for a micro season.

      4. Nope. I also live in 4-season land and I buy what I need when I need it.

      5. Not at all. I start thinking about the next season when the weather starts changing. In summer, I find it hard to imagine what I’m going to need or want in the fall, even though I’ve lived through fall over 30 times. So I usually shop for fall in September.

      6. I do capsules and I’m ready for fall. I want to see how the stores are interpreting trends so I can plan and budget my capsule.

         I was just talking with my husband today about we’re both so much better dressed when we plan for the events we know we need to go to. Running to the mall for an for an outfit the weekend before is fun in theory but in reality I wear something less than awesome and spend too much. Like I know I need clothes for the Jewish holidays and the school fundraiser and his birthday dinner. I want to work some great pieces into the capsule for those.

      7. I shop a season after ;) for the end of season sales… so swimsuits in August and September, winter coats in March.

      8. No, I have never shopped before the season. It depresses me to see fall clothes when it is 95 degrees outside. And with everything online, I don’t know why we can’t get all seasons all year around. It was terrible when my son was little and he outgrew his shorts in July. We live in Florida.

   4. When I was a kid in year round school (Northern California, went back the end of July), the retailers hadn’t quite twigged to this and there were never good school supplies.

      My kid goes back in 2 weeks but schools provide supplies here and I’m both happy and disappointed. Going to get him a cool pencil case and some pencils with his name on them.

   5. In the other hand it’s solidly fall where I live! 54° and raining. Bring on the tweed!

      1. I’m in the inner Bay Area where it’s 5-10 degrees warmer but also raining lightly. August? What?

8. Remind me what the sizing wisdom is on the Going Out Blazer? I’ve needed a black blazer for ages and found one on Poshmark, but don’t want to get my usual size if that won’t be right.

   1. 34C with a strong shoulder. I’m normally a S in their sweaters or a 4 or 6 in blouses. I take a 6.

   2. I think I’m solidly a size 4, but with JCrew/Ann Taylor can wear 0 or 2 on some items. For the blazer, I got a 4 and it’s perfect.

   3. TTS in real sizes, runs small in J Crew’s crazy vanity sizing, maybe runs a bit large compared with some designer/premium and British brands. I am usually a 2 most places and a 0 at J Crew and take a 2 in the Going Out Blazer.

      1. Sounds like sizing up is the way to go. Thanks all!

   4. Broad shouldered 38AA here and I normally wear a L or 12/14 in mall brands. A 14 is my Going Out size. A 12 would be too snug for comfort.

   5. Size up if you have broad shoulders.

9. Here is a personal finance question for you. I don’t think that there is a right or wrong answer, but just stuff to chew on. Say you are 50ish and have been in your house for 20 years. Chances are that you have substantial equity and refinanced at some point to have a very low interest rate. You could go out and sell your house, take the equity, and plow it into an even bigger house that you couldn’t have gotten 20 years ago. But it might be substantially larger, in which case you’d need to spend even more $ to furnish it. And rates are probably 2x what your current interest rate is. And more property taxes, insurance, heating and cooling bills. I’m thinking that maybe I’m OK staying in my basic b*tch house (in my city: 3 windows across on the second floor) and just doing no more than window shopping on zillow for a Fancy house (in my city: 5 windows across on the second floor). Like maybe the math works today for moving up, but it also seems to be a chance to leave a safe and easy financial life and get an albatross that will be harder to sell in a recession and may keep me from saving what I need to save for retirement (like: when you’re 50, a 30 year mortgage will burden your future and a 15 year mortgage will be no fun in the present and an ARM in these times is just foolish). Maybe I am really too conservative? Maybe people are just used to a lot of debt?

   1. I’ve kept what you call a basic B house, I don’t think everyone flips into something fancy.

      1. +1

         Going off my parents, their friends and my aunts/uncles who are in their 50s and 60s, most are still in their homes that they bought when they were 30-35ish. About half of the group is still in their “starter” house: a 3ish bedroom ranch or colonial in a good district. The other half is in their second house: first house was smaller (twin or rowhome) that they bought as a couple without kids and had babies and toddlers in and then moved to a bigger house/better schools (4ish bedroom colonial or split level) when the kids were toddlers.

         Most folks in both groups have done some renovations, or even put on an addition over time. But very few people moved after their 30s. Most still have the “basic b” house, but they’ve made it their own over time.

         I don’t know why anyone would need a bigger house in their 50s/60s (if you had kids, you’re becoming an empty nester, with being older only 10-20 years away- it’s more to maintain, with retirement looming it’s more expensive). The only move I’d be interested in doing at that age would be downsizing or something I could age in place in – perhaps an in between stop between the house and the retirement community)

         1. This. I might move to a smaller house or one with a first floor bedroom and bathroom, but definitely not a bigger one. The last thing you want is more space to maintain.

            1. This. We’re still in our ‘starter’ house and plan to stay. We’ve slowly renovated over time and likely have one more ‘big’ reno to rip out and replace the shoddy kitchen. We paint rooms every decade or so and will replace carpet and flooring as needed but I just can’t deal with the energy needed to stage/sell our house and then deal with a new house with it’s own set of issues. I already know all the warts in my current home and I don’t have any real confidence a new home in MA would somehow magically not have weird water/big/foundation issues of its own. Plus all the ‘new construction’ builds are white farmhouse inspired places with black windows and very meh builder grade cabinets/floors/finishes. To build from scratch, to our specifications is $$$ and just not worth it to me.

         2. My parents have chosen a bigger house after all us kids moved out because they like hosting and want to have enough space to room kids and grandkids. But thats about the only reason I can think of, and not everyone wants or needs to do that.

         3. My in-laws bought a huge fancy house in their early 60s for entertaining and kid/grandkid visits, and used all the space a whole lot for those purposes. They downsized to a single-level condo in their mid-70s with the intention of aging in place. At that point they passed the baton of hosting family gatherings to my husband and me.

   2. Honestly this style of writing is so rambling and hard to read.

      1. So many words and yet it doesn’t say why she might want to move, what she wants from a new house, or indicate that she doesn’t live alone.

      2. And that’s why you can scroll by! No need to read something that annoys you!

   3. Not giving a damn about the Joneses or keeping up with them is why I have substantial savings and freedom to do what I want, despite never making more than $70k/year. Consuming just for the sake of consuming isn’t good for anyone.

      1. +100

         I definitely splurge on some things that bring me joy, but I’m totally fine with my roommates and 21 year old car and second hand clothes.

   4. Why do you even want a bigger house?

      1. OP here — the one reason possibly is that I don’t have an office in my basic B house. It’s old and small and barely has closets. From working on my half of the bed since 2020, I feel like I have a bit of house-related PTSD. I HOPE that will fade as I am now in the office as much as I can be, but with kids and COVID not going away, some amount of WFH is in my future and my set-up is something that I want to fix (could also probably fix with a Tiny House out in the yard, which a CPA friend did very nicely and added A/C).

         But basically: everyone we know seems to do that. We are just wondering if there is a memo we missed? I think it makes all of the $ sense in the world to stay, but I can’t be the sole frugal person / Michelle Singletary fan in my city.

         1. How much longer will the kid be at home? Even if they’re in college and home for breaks you could set up an office in one of the kids rooms?

            I just moved back home temporarily (3 months between leases) and I’m working at the kitchen table because my mom works from a desk in my bedroom

            1. Agree with this. I’ve seen a lot of people working in their off-to-college kids’ bedrooms on Zoom calls during the pandemic.

         2. Do you otherwise like the house? It sounds like you are not a big fan of it. Would renovations help?

   5. I am sort of in this position. I am single and staying put. If I were to couple up, I would move because my tiny basic bitch house has no space for someone else and their contribution to a mortgage would make all the difference. I am moving in the direction of having fewer nicer things so being in this small space works even better than now. I have no interest in maintaining more rooms. I love my improving neighborhood and have a life here.
      Why do you want a bigger home? Are you doing it for appearances? Or because you need the space for expected visitors or entertaining? Or do you already live with others and you are cramped?

   6. We did not trade up and now at 60 don’t regret it, as we don’t have to downsize.

   7. I’ve only been in my basic B house for 10 years, but I would not want the big house because bigger houses would require more time, effort, and money from me.

      I would absolutely splurge on a renovation to make my current house fantastic in your scenario. Like kitchen of my dreams, or your personal equivalent.

      1. +1

         My parents have been in their 1950s cape cod since I was an infant (Im 30). It’s definitely a basic b house but they just turned the upstairs into a great master suite: walk in closets, en suite bathroom, den. It’s the only part of the house with central air or outlets that take 3 prongs.

         The rest of the house is nice but older and basic with both the pros and cons of a 1950s house: hardwood floors, plaster walls, real stone exterior, cool built ins, good sized yard, but smaller closets, no central AC, colorfully tiled bathrooms. Very much built for the returning GI with a nice middle class job and his family with 2.5 kids and a dog. When my parents bought it in the 90s, they bought from the original owners who had not changed much.

         The new bedroom is exactly what they wanted and they’re thrilled. Ditto with the (small) kitchen they re-did about 15 years ago – which was last done in the 70s and had the avocado green oven to prove it.

         They considered moving a few times but liked other parts about the house enough and liked the idea that if they Reno’d they’d get EXACTLY what they wanted whereas in a new to them house they’d have to accept the house as is.

         1. Adding that also one of the reasons they decided to not move was that the house is mostly 1 story so they could easily age in place here with a first floor bedroom and full bath.

            1. I don’t have this and every time I have had surgery I realized what a gift it would be to be on the floor of the kitchen and not have to do stairs. OTOH, my parents are in their 80s in a house where all bedrooms are upstairs, so maybe it helps keep them active / spry?

         2. 3-prong outlets! My old house only had 2-prong ones when I moved in and I just used some adapter thing that was probably a fire hazard. $$$ in rewiring later, we have modern outlets. There were 4 knob-and-tube rooms but the kitchen and baths had been fixed by a prior owner. 1920s house.

      2. +1. Our friends with bigger houses also have bigger heating/cooling/water bills and have to clean and maintain all of that. We have only 1 kid so it’s not as much of a priority to have more space but also – kids are only at home for 18 years. I see people on home shows talking about how they ‘must’ have a huge finished basement or backyard. That all means higher taxes too!

      3. This is what I would do. I’d polish up my basic B house until it gleamed like a little gem and had all the bells and whistles I wanted. In your case, that would definitely include a dedicated work-from-home space.

   8. No judgement at all – why do you want a bigger house? You can get quite fancy medium-sized homes, as long as you are patient waiting for them to come to the market. In my area, there are a lot of basic 3 bed/2 bath, siding, no landscaping houses on small lots, but in the more historical areas, really beautiful homes of the same size on bigger lots with old trees and ornate windows and….

   9. Honestly check yourself. What you describe as a basic house is a dream for a lot of us. Like buy a new house if you want but must you trash the small one? Idk I just hated the tone of this whole post. Like congrats on having a house and being able to afford a better house but being smug about not buying one but then fake concerned?

      1. And what in the world makes a house a “basic b” house?

         1. Honestly I would have assume it meant a mcmansiony dream house painted 100% white the better to serve as instagram backdrops, not a modest starter home.

            1. Usually in my area starter houses are older and therefore not basic. To me a basic b house is one of the new cookie cutter houses in a development – which is something I cannot stand!

         2. Maybe “b” stood for “builder grade” and everyone made assumptions.

            1. No, she actually spelled it out in her post and it’s very weird to describe a house like that.

         3. I live in an area with a lot of new houses. They are all basically identical. The lots are so narrow (even though land is cheap) that they don’t have windows on the side. You can choose among about three floor plans and two styles of trim. They are all decorated the same way. It’s fine – for many people, owning any house, especially a new one, is a big accomplishment – but I can see how someone would want a house with more character.

   10. One thing that I am thinking of is moving into a mother-daughter type house. One kid has some developmental issues where we think he may want to live independent-ish as an adult but that may be better done at first if he had a granny flat on site. Before then, we may want to house an aging parent/s who like a degree of independence but may need more assistance as they get older. But I’m not gunning to move. Just looking for options that may suit what our needs have turned out to be.

   11. I’m extremely debt adverse and am very comfortable in my basic b*tch house. I bought it 11 years ago while making $125K and now make $275K. Sure, I could afford a much bigger house, modernized house, but I love the financial freedom I have from not being choked by big debt. I’m able to meet my monthly retirement and savings goals and then spend what I want, when I want, on whatever I want. I won’t give up that freedom for another bathroom or a bigger great room.

       1. Your last sentence sums up my thoughts on this topic so well.

          We bought our house before I made partner and ever since people have been asking us when we are going to upgrade our house. These are often the same people who marvel that they wish they could afford the weekend getaway we took (paid for with points but that’s beside the point). I want to shake them and say well with the extra money you spend each year on additional mortgage payments, taxes, utilities, maintenance, etc because you upgraded your house you could do 6-7 luxurious weekend getaways a year!

          The financial freedom that comes with keeping your living expenses static when your income increases is really amazing. I guess if someone hosts a lot and has lots of house guests I can see the upgraded house appeal but man I can’t imagine trading the freedom to be able to regularly splurge on stuff without much thought for having some extra square footage.

   12. So we are having this issue a bit. I am willing to move for a better house, but not simply a bigger house. And where I live, more money generally just means more space. There is a gap of small but really nice houses. So we are probably just going to update some stuff in our current house.

       1. This is where we landed. We were strongly leaning towards buying a new home with room for two home offices and more storage, and the new builds were all so depressing and overpriced that we decided to stay put and renovate.

   13. We have stayed in the house we bought 31 years ago, as our second home. Dreamed for years about moving up to our dream house which this is not. But now, at the age of 65, I am so happy we did not make an additional move. There is so much freedom and comfort from having a home that is fully paid off. Instead of another mortgage, we were able to substantially increase our savings and put our money into fun projects that make the house more enjoyable for us. Now I feel like it’s perfect for us, particularly now that the kids are out. However it definitely sounds like your house is not working for you. But if I were you, I would put my energy and money into improving what you have to better meet your needs.

       1. My parents are doing this. They paid off the house the month before my dad’s retirement. Now they’re working on making it a bit nicer, getting new furniture, etc to make it exactly what they want.

   14. I can’t speak to your personal finances but what’s the point of hard work if you dislike your own home enough to call it names? I really like living in a beautiful home. I like it more than traveling or fancy cars or designer handbags. Is bigger your only upgrade option? That seems strange to me. There isn’t a house with gorgeous views or charming historical features that would enhance your life without raising heat and cooling bill and taxes unnecessarily?

       1. IDK — in our city, everything modest that is close in gets sold when the owners die and then a 4K sq foot home pops up in its place. The options are large and close-in and large and further out. “Medium,” as a concept, no longer exists. Apartments exist, but seem to be for 20-ish people and the yelp reviews talk about vomit in the stairs on weekends, so I’d nope that. Van life maybe?

       2. +1 to all of this.

       3. I’m renting downtown still but when I move out to the burbs, I’m very dedicated to having an old hours with lots of character. I’d absolutely love a Victorian that I can slowly restore. I know they’re not always conducive to modern living but for me the joy that an older house’s character brings > a McMansion

   15. In your shoes, I would consider an addition or remodel , financed through your equity, if space permits. I would consider even if conventional wisdom said the house or neighborhood does not justify it. Make it a place you and the family love to live and come home to,and if that means adding some square footage, and you intend to stay a while, that may be the better financial decision.

   16. I plan to park at my basic starters home and if I ever move it’s to another basic starters home that’s even smaller but with a better layout. I can’t imagine throwing more money into a mortgage unless I end up with some kind if windfall money.

   17. I only sized up because I had a 2br/1ba house and we had a boy and a girl, so it wasn’t going to work long term. The 1 ba was a particular problem. Otherwise I’d have stayed there forever.

       Don’t buy more house just because you think you should based on comparison to others. Only buy more house if you really, really want more house.

   18. Most friends who have done this did it for status. Look how well I’m doing. I have a big fancy house. Realistically they got tired paying all the upkeep , taxes, utilities etc… When their kids left for college and they all sold them and downsized. Quite a few lost money.

   19. This is probably way too late but it costs a lot to move
       Realtor fees , breaking the mortgage, lawyer, new hookups for heat, hydro, water etc
       Ancillary things like garbage cans don’t fit, new towels to match different bathrooms , furniture doesn’t fit the way you thought

       And if you love your neighborhood or location, there is no amount of money to buy that

       We just downsized from a suburb outside Toronto to a small town, we did not clear the profit we expected (see above lol) but we paid off everything and that mental load is amazing
       The new house needed renovation which we are finishing
       I wouldn’t take on bigger house or more mortgage

10. I would love book recommendations to read in the South of France! I typically live in the “chick lit” or Romance genres but happy to branch out. So far I have MFK Fisher’s Map Of Another Town on my list but that’s it

    1. I just read Book Lovers and Beach Read in that genre and thought it was very fun.
       Also – Erotic Stories for Punjabi Widows by Balli Kaur Jaswal.
       Slightly different, but also fun – I really liked The Golem and the Jinni by Helene Wecker.

       1. I just put holds or checked out all your recommendations! Except for the Golem and the Jinni, which I’ve already read and thoroughly enjoyed. I though the sequel to it was a little weak, though.

    2. On theme, Peter Mayle’s A Year in Provence is a delight.

       1. Thanks, will look it up! Sorry, I should have been clearer that I was looking for books with a South of France link.

          AIMS, I have read and loved all of Emily Henry’s books so I will look up your other titles!

       2. Kate Mosse’s books are also consistently very good if theme reading appeals.

    3. Check out Kate Mosse’s Labyrinth trilogy, it’s set in the Languedoc region. Romantic historical fiction

    4. If you like classics, Tender is the Night is very turn-of-the-century South of France. It’s… kind of romance (but pretty depressing FYI) – but beautifully written.

       1. yes – this is such a gorgeous, evocative read. I re-read it every couple of summers.

    5. Agatha Christie has some great stories set in various places around the Riviera, lots of them short stories, but I really like a novel called The Mystery of the Blue Train (set in Monte Carlo).

       There are also a few Maigret stories where he travels from Paris to other parts of France to solve murders.

       Also, James Bond! I think Casino Royale is set in Southern France.

       PG Wodehouse is also a possibility – Bertie Wooster and Jeeves often spend time on the Riviera.

11. I was walking my small dog Saturday evening when a homeless man started walking towards me. I didn’t say anything or make eye contact or anything and just walked past him although he was too close for comfort and seemed to want to engage me. After my dog finished his business we started walking back and the man was still standing there watching me. I crossed the street to try to avoid him but then he crossed too. At this point I wasn’t sure if he was following me or just walking so I crossed back again and really started to panic when the guy crossed again and started heading towards me. I didn’t have my phone on me but luckily there was a small group of people nearby so I ran up to them and asked for help. The guy had backed off but was still hanging close by and watching me, so they very kindly gave me a ride home.

    I live in my city’s small downtown area and this is not the first time I have been afraid for my safety. I don’t even know why I am posting but I am just so angry and so sad. I am sympathetic to homeless people being villainized for just existing and actually needing help and support but then something like this happens and I am just shaken. I live right by this area and walk my dog here all the time. Obviously the vast majority of the time walking my dog I am fine and nothing happens but when something does happen it leaves me really shaken. I guess I need to start carrying pepper spray?

    1. How small is your dog? I find that mine makes people keep a distance. But sure, just displaying it means you probably won’t need to use it (if you do, watch for your dog’s eyes and membranes).

       We have a guy who I suspect isn’t homeless but is very aggressive and comes up to you in the grocery store parking lot when you’re loading and demands $. Or at the gas pump. Way too close for comfort and often when you may be not safely stowing your wallet or apart from it (or making sure your kids don’t wander into a car’s path). Ugh. He knows what he is doing and I will NEVER give him $.

    2. Sounds like all he was doing was existing. Also interesting that you chose to accept a ride home from strangers who “looked right” but were freaked out by this guy.

       1. No. If someone crossed the street multiple times to mirror her actions, he was not just existing. He may have also had a look on his face that she observed (even subconsciously) that was alarming.

          1. +1.

       2. Some times it’s hard to put into words why someone is off or menacing. I saw trust your instincts. Would also trust a group of strangers in this circumstance, especially if there was a woman present in the group.

       3. It’s ok to stereotype people for your own safety. Let’s not shame women into physical danger. We know dangerous men when we encounter them, and we should encourage women to listen to their instincts instead of shaming them

          1. This.

       4. I’ve always been told to trust your gut and don’t be afraid to be rude when it comes to personal safety. I’ve never read it, but the gift of fear comes to mind. Stop telling women not to trust their gut for their safety just because they may offend someone! My safety is always number 1.

          1. This.

       5. Stop. Women are constantly told to ignore their intuition and often pay a terrible price. Trust your gut, OP.

       6. In all the years I’ve been reading this s*te, this is probably the worst comment I’ve read. He wasn’t just existing, he was watching and following her. Is she supposed to ignore her actions and end up assaulted or worse just to make a point?

    3. You could report the situation to your (precinct/neighborhood) police’s non-emergency number. Describe the situation. In my town, police involve the crisis social worker and may devise a plan for police to drive by more often/do more monitoring of the area so they can intervene with social worker if they spot the homeless person and think the homeless person needs supportive services.
       Always carry your phone. Yes, get some pepper spray but more importantly be informed of when you should use it and how to use it. Also, vary your walk times/locations.

       1. Report what situation? A man walking on the street who didn’t even speak to you?

          1. I feel like the OP is getting gaslit for saying “someone followed me and I was scared. I wasn’t sure if he was following me, but he kept following me each time I crossed the street.” Does he need to accost her or start yelling before her feelings are OK for you?

             1. Right! Such bad takes on this situation. Most people I know would find it alarming if a person crossed the street multiple times after seeming to wait around/watch them for some period of time.

          2. Street harassment first degree… depending on state

    4. I’m not sure that I would have done anything differently in this scenario, but do always walk with your phone!

    5. I’m sorry but the obsession with living in “small downtown” areas opens you up to these things. I know walkable everything blah blah but then you also get these types. Is it really worth it?

       1. Yes

       2. Yes it’s absolutely worth it. I will take being able to access all my city’s amenities on foot, for this trade off. Everytime I visit my family in the burbs I’m perpetually annoyed by all the time I waste in cars, and those god awful shopping centres always anchored by a crappy chain like Walmart.

       3. Sounds like you’re trying to blame the victim and would blame people living in locations that you choose to avoid.

       4. 100% worth it. I refuse to live somewhere I have to pay thousands of dollars a year for a car, perpetuating a system that eats taxpayer money for road maintenance, pollutes our air, and kills 40,000 Americans every year.

    6. nothing wrong with carrying some pepper spray, but I’d urge you to question whether what happened has anything to do with homelessness? I’ve had worse experiences with housed men harassing me or threatening me in public. (which is totally not ok! but is the cost of living downtown anywhere).

       Also don’t leave your house without your phone please.

       1. OP, I promise I’m not trying to pile on, because you were absolutely right to do what you did.

          But! I never go anywhere – especially alone – without my phone and now my AppleWatch with the automatic 911 feature. I don’t go for a walk, walk to the mailbox, walk from my car to an office or supermarket without my phone. It’s just an essential piece of equipment for living in a city. It may not have helped in that situation, but it might in the future.

    7. I’d carry my phone before pepper spray, personally. I mean this is just city living.

       1. Yes. And yet, when a person scares you, something in our lizard brains is trying to tell us something. I read The Gift of Fear and it’s got a point. Not every homeless person scares me, certainly not by being homeless. But the behavior of someone following me becomes scary when it is not that we are happening to be going the same way but that I tried to shake him (always a HIM) and he persisted in following me.

          1. I read The Gift of Fear after it was recommended on previous discussions here. It’s great for identifying why a person gives you that “bad feeling.” More importantly, it teaches you trust your instincts rather than put yourself in danger because you don’t want to be impolite. OP did the right thing – the man continually followed her and demonstrated that he wasn’t just minding his own business. Better to be slightly rude to an ultimately harmless man than end up in a missing persons report

          2. I worked in domestic violence and recommend The Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker to every one I know. Short chapter on intimate enemies (Ch 10 or 11?) is worth its weight in gold. Please, please all of you read!

    8. Yea, little things like this happened to me almost daily when i lived in my city’s downtown. It was honestly getting me down and I became annoyed by any attention from men. One thing that helped was finding a yoga studio that had majority female clientele so that I could at least get a break.

       I’ve since moved to a new neighborhood and several health markers have improved, likely due to not being in a constant state of fight or flight. I’m also a little warmer/friendlier because I’m around people that I can expect to follow social norms, ie not throwing feces or screaming in my face.

    9. Honestly, it sounds like working on your self confidence and a good personal defense class would be better for you than pepper spray. Awareness of your surroundings is good and it is important to pay attention to your intuition, but the reaction you describe sounds outsized compared to the situation you encountered. Immediately jumping to panic mode is more likely to lead you deeper into danger than keeping a cool head would.

       1. How is it not keeping a cool head that she perceived the danger of someone following her deliberately, and she sought out the protection of others? She didn’t say she ran around screaming hysterically and throwing bricks at him. She perceived a scary situation and got out of it.

          1. Her words were that she “really started to panic” and then she described how she ran up to a group of strangers and hopped a ride home with them.

             The guy sounds like he was obnoxious and her actions didn’t harm her in this instance, but jumping in a car with strangers is generally not a great solution for dealing with a random annoying person, and dousing an obnoxious guy (or quite possibly herself or her dog) with pepper spray seem to be the best reaction of first resort. It also seems odd for her to grasp at the idea of carrying pepper spray as the solution while also being rather flippant about not carrying her phone. Like, there is a certain level of self-awareness that seems missing here.

             1. Seem *NOT* to be the best reaction…

             2. I took “panic” to mean that she was feeling very alarmed, not that she was running around in a blind panic and acting irrationally.

                Also a man was watching her and following her in a scary way at night. She didn’t say anything about the group of people she approached, but honestly I do think you can normally tell when one group feels safer than a person in a situation like this. That’s not to say that the man following her definitely would have harmed her; we don’t know that. But I don’t understand the people who are saying it’s an overreaction to be scared if a strange man is watching and following you at night.

          2. Carrying pepper spray kinda does seem like it’s in the same category as throwing bricks, though. Basic self defense knowledge and the confidence to use it is going to be more useful than a spray fob she left at home with her phone.

       2. Why is everyone blaming the victim here. That’s a scary experience. A strange man was following her. OP so sorry you experienced this. I vote for pepper spray for sure and as others have said bring your phone.

          1. Huh?? It is not blaming the victim to encourage her to learn how to effectively take care herself in situations like these when there are no good strangers with a car present.

             1. There are several comments saying she overreacted or that this person wasn’t a threat to her. Those are the comments this person was calling out. Giving advice on effective defense is what the OP asked for. Questioning whether she was right to be scared is not okay.

       3. This comment is insane. She 100% acted appropriately, being aware of her surroundings, trusting her gut, and asking for help when needed. Her reaction was not outsized. OP, I live in a very quiet neighborhood, but most of my neighbors with dogs carry pepper spray when they walk the dog (as well as a phone always).

12. I’m halfway through the fourth Neopolitan book. And just…wow. I expected some of this, and am shaking my fist at the protagonist (“Elena!!!! What did you expect?!”) but also the writing is just SO stunning, and how Ferrante captures the range of female emotion, mental health, and sisterhood is just something else. Just putting this here to share the joy.

    1. It is amazing. I thought the second book — Story of New Name — was the strongest in this regard. Then I had to stop reading for a while after 3 because was just too invested.

    2. Aren’t they fantastic?? I blazed through them and I was so sad when I finished them.

    3. I’ve heard so many great reviews of these books, but I just could not get into the first one. Does book 1 just start slow?

       1. Yes, it starts slow. I think it took me about 100 pages to get hooked, and then I just flew through them.

    4. I am halfway through book 4 too! I am LOVING this series! I am sad this is the last one in the series. Her writing is very wordy, but beautiful!

    5. Right there with you! These books are SO GOOD.

13. I am thinking about an early October long weekend trip and considering Montreal. Has anyone done it/do you have recommendations? Love history, great food, long walks and being outdoors.

    1. Just got back from a week there and loved it! We went with young kids so much of our trip wouldn’t be fun for adults but I’d recommend strolling different neighborhoods (Boul. St Laurent to see the street art, Plateau Mt. Royal were highlights) and the outdoor markets (Jean Talon and Atwater). The Museum of Fine Art was stunning; wish we could have stayed longer there. On our list that we missed were the Botanic Gardens and hiking Mt Royal. Metro was clean, easy, and ran frequently— we used it constantly. Knowing some French is helpful (and polite) but most people we met spoke English and were happy to switch languages when they learned we were American. We enjoyed Brasserie Dieu du Ciel, Canard Cafe when we were in the area, bagels at Fairmont, and Mandy’s (a few locations— great salads).

    2. If you haven’t been, I’d also really recommend Quebec City. It’s been a while so I don’t have specific recs, but there were a bunch of interesting museums and historical sites and just feels really different than most North American cities.

    3. YES YES YES!!! This is one of those cities where DH and I go, either together or separately, stay in the same flat/neighborhood, and just enjoy it. I just wrote a very long e-mail to a friend for her trip – copy/pasting here.

       Definitely do some quick googling, as a few may be dated. So the footprint of Montreal is quite small and it’s very easy to get around on foot, Uber, and via their metro system.

       Markets – Jean Talon and Atwater Market – If you’re staying in Little Burgundy (and I hope you are) Atwater market will be in the neighborhood. They have a lovely bakery in the back with the best croissants and coffee for breakfast.

       Restaurants/Eats
       – Joe Beef, Le Vin Papillion, and Liverpool House – A MUST to try one of these to learn more about Quebecois cuisine. If you go to Joe Beef, come very hungry. If you go to Le Vin (my favorite of the 3) sit at the bar and have the shaved ham/cheese. All are located in Little Burgundy.
       – Burgundy Lion Pub – Good neighborhood pub in Little Burgundy
       – Le Burger Bar – Solid burger spot by the museum
       – St-Viateur and/or Fairmont Bagel – It’s a must try while you’re there – pick one, you can’t go wrong
       – Poutine – Fries, gravy, cheese curds. A Montreal/Quebec staple. Google the latest and greatest places.
       – L’Express – Classic French Bistro Fare
       – Schwartz’s – Famous Pastrami with Cherry Soda
       – Satay – Pan Asian Type Menu, cool vibe

       Bars
       – Big in Japan – Speakeasy style whiskey bar
       – Le Majestique, Le Drinkerie – Both in Little Burgundy

       Things to Do
       – Walk around the city and find gems – there are so many!
       – Old Montreal – Touristy but gorgeous and fun for a first time
       – Bota Bota – Spa on the St. Lawrence River – book a few treatments – the Hot/Cold/Hot plunges are great
       – Montreal Museum of Fine Arts
       – Mt. Royal Park – Great for a walk, get a blanket and nap…or just nap on the grass like I did during a summer visit
       – Mile End Neighborhood – Lots of great shopping, including stuff by local artists

       I hope this helps. Montreal specifically and Quebec in general is such an underrated gem!

    4. One quick thing to remember is that Columbus Day weekend here in the US in Thanksgiving in Canada so flights, etc will be more expensive. If you have the chance to go a different weekend, that might be a good idea!

       1. Counterpoint: I was in Montreal for Canadian Thanksgiving a few years ago and it was great! We did a bicycle tour that day with Fitz Bicycle Tours and it was amazing because there was pretty much no vehicular traffic.

          We stayed at the Le St-Martin Hotel Particulier and loved it.

          Also second the idea of adding Quebec City to your itinerary.

       2. Montreal is not big on Canadian Thanksgiving, so don’t expect any major celebrations, but a few things will be closed on Monday. On the other hand, it’s peak foliage – I recommend a long walk on Mount Royal or through one of the local parks (I like Parc La Fontaine). For history, Pointe a Caillere museum is a good overview (there is a nice brunch restaurant on the top floor, or try nearby local favorite Olive & Gourmando). Walk around Old Montreal and the Plateau. There is a ton of great food in Montreal – the recommendations above are good. Gibby’s is the classic old school steakhouse, but there are a lot of more modern spots with excellent food too. Early October is a great time to visit. Second the recommendation for Bota Bota (or Strom Spa, a little of the way but it’s a short Uber ride and great view, more peaceful). The Plateau and Little Burgundy/Lachine Canal are fun to explore. There is a nice bike path from Old Montreal to Atwater Market – you can bike or walk.

    5. I spent several days in Montreal last November and loved it so much we went back for a week in June.

       We stayed in the Plateau Mt Royal neighborhood and it was gorgeously walkable. Use a parking app (there are several) if you bring a car and look for a place nearish the Metro. Highly recommend some time walking around the Rue St Denis and taking Avenue Duluth or Rue Rachel up to Mont Royal park—so many fun shops & restaurants. Avenue Duluth was pedestrian-only in summer although it might open to cars in winter.

       The best meal we had was at the Maison Publique (book reservations in advance). If you eat meat Au Pied du Cochon is superb. We also loved the patio at La Maison Grecque and it should still be nice in October.

       Bear in mind that Montreal is colder and windy—bring a good jacket and good shoes!

14. Havent seen this question in a while – whats your favorite podcast these days?
    For laughs – B!tch Sesh, Celebrity Book Club, Everything Iconic
    More serious – NPR news, Code Switch, Hidden Brain
    Past favorites have been – By the Book, Caliphate (i know), Believed

    1. What did I miss about Caliphate?

       1. It turned out to have been largely fabricated.

    2. For laughs: No such thing as a fish
       For serious: Prof G podcast, Her Money

       Don’t listen for fun :)

    3. Mine is a weird niche one, The Pen Addict. It’s about stationary, in particular fountain pens.

    4. Maintenance Phase is one of my faves, as is Noble Blood when I want a gory history fix!

       Casey Wilson’s new one – Fed Up – is kind if interesting fluff but also getting kind of annoying since it just makes me frustrated with influencer culture. So, mixed bag I guess.

       Oh and the Deep Dive with June Diane and Jessica St Clair – an absolute delight.

       1. Maintenance Phase has changed the way I think about ALL THE THINGS

       2. I loooove Noble Blood!

    5. Before Breakfast – by the woman who wrote 168 Hours
       Desert Island Discs – I am a sucker for a British accent. Have found so much cool music through these, often decades old.
       Everything is Fine –
       Smartless – funniest podcast out there
       Lots of NPR, especially Fresh Air, HIdden Brain, Life Kit

    6. Sounds like a cult is entertaining

    7. Serious laughs: Friday Night Comedy from BBC radio 4.

    8. It happened a while ago, but my favorite podcast ever is Dead Eyes.

    9. Current: Advisory Opinions, Blocked and Reported, The Dispatch
       Past favorites: Tanis, The Lovecraft Investigations, Mirrors

    10. I listened to Dead End from NPR this weekend on a long drive and I’m not normally a true crime podcast person but this was broader than just a crime and kept me engrossed.

        And during the pandemic when I had a ton of time alone (living alone during lockdown was a weird time) I got very into listening to podcasts where people play Dungeons and Dragons. Surprisingly engrossing!

        1. That was also my pandemic discovery. Have you watched Dimension 20? The best D&D playing I’ve ever seen.

    11. Fun – Adulting, Bachelor Party and the Read (it’s on hiatus but one of the funniest), Keep it and the Receipts
        more serious – time to say goodbye (current events with AAPI lens), slate money and Code Switch (they recently did a series on public schools in NYC and it was great)

15. I know we were taught to swim because water safety is important. I think I can swim, but the truth is that I was a great swimmer up to middle school when I swam 3x/week. Since then . . . I freely go to beaches and hotel pools (lap swimming) where there is no lifeguard. I can swim several lengths but eventually tire out (it is good exercise; I am out of shape after years of office work). I’m coming to the realization that many in the water aren’t swimmers at all (more: adults who can touch bottom) and after a tragic local-ish accident where a kid in a water baptism drowned at a park, am realizing that we are all sort of lifeguards of last resort (and yet: would this be a fool’s errand? maybe not if you had any sort of floatation device?) if not our brother’s keeper. Any advice or best practices? We have two huge lakes nearby and a bunch of fools in them each weekend and each week we seem to lose someone.

    1. Trying to rescue a drowning person without training can be incredibly dangerous. As a teen I had a scary moment in a hotel pool when a little girl who couldn’t swim turned out to be heavier, stronger, and much more scared than I’d realized (we both ended up fine).

       That said – if I saw someone struggling, I’d make noise and get other folks involved. Drowning is quiet, which is how kids slip under and no one notices (like the baptism example). Find a branch or grab someone’s pool noodle. I wouldn’t put myself in danger, but I’d still try to help.

       1. Agree with this take. I was a lifeguard for many years, played DI waterpolo. Panicked drowning people are very strong! Donating to water safety organizations (RedCross is one, although there may be neighborhood groups) can help.

          I would also signal for help, then go help. If the person drowning is male, their strength is likely far stronger than the average female in terms of grip or dragging you down.

    2. What are you even talking about? Please edit your posts.

    3. I watched a video a few months ago about what drowning actually looks like. It’s a lot subtler than I would have thought! I am like you in that I *can* swim, but am not strong enough to try to personally intervene (like swim out to the person) but would def draw attention to them, tell someone to toss over their float, etc.

    4. What?

    5. Definitely get first aid and cpr certified

       I’m from a very water oriented family (surfers, sailors and swimmers) and almost every one of my relatives has rescued someone from the ocean. Where we are, beaches are guarded 7 days a week Memorial Day – LaborDay but the ocean is warm well into September so lots of swimming without guards. Usually someone who gets caught in a rip current and doesn’t know what to do (don’t fight it, let it take you and the swim parallel).

    6. Water rescue training (often offered as part of boating safety classes) might interest you. Certification is more specific than basic CPR training, but if you really want to be prepared to help should the need arise, that is the way to go.

    7. Did someone drown during a baptism? How terrible and terrifying

    8. It’s incredibly dangerous to rescue someone without training and especially without a flotation aid. Drowning often involves a weird reflex where people basically try to climb a nonexistent ladder, and often it’s really common for the drowning victim to grab the person who’s trying to help and pull them down. A big part of lifeguard training is figuring out how to break out of a grip from someone who is drowning and pushing you down.

       If you absolutely have to do something- your best bet is to get the lifeguard. If there is no lifeguard, stay out of arms reach and throw them something to grab onto or climb onto. If you’re not in the water, stay out of the water- pool skimmer nets are a great way to reach someone drowning in the center of a pool.

       If you’re in the water- staying out of arms reach (seriously, can’t stress this enough), throw or hand the drowning person a lifeguard’s noodle (those can float like 8 people), or a flotation ring, or a life preserver, or a surfboard, or a pool skimmer pole. Keep the flotation thing between you and them (if you’re in the water), so they can’t grab you.

16. I recently received a depression diagnosis. Shocking at first, but factoring in recent events and a family history, it makes sense. I’ve been in therapy, and have an appointment tomorrow to be prescribed medication. It’s been a tough month trudging until that doctor appointment, but I am struggling *very* much at work right now and unsure how long it will be until it gets better. I’d love some help and tips to keep swimming through this.

    1. Exercise, even if it’s only 10-15 minutes. Try to work in a few short bursts of high-intensity, like 3 bursts of 30 seconds max effort. Even better if you can do 10 minutes in the morning and 10 after work. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. I’ve been there, it’s really hard, and you’ll get through it. Hugs.

    2. Can you take some time off? Even just a day to rest. What you’re going through is really hard.

17. Anyone see any high waisted, flared (not straight) skirts that they loved recently? Re-realized that skirts look good on, looking to buy some more but not sure where to start. More for casual wear, nothing too formal.

    1. Boden.

    2. Kate Spade

18. I’m trying to focus on having fewer nicer things, but I’ve been struggling to figure out the right number. I go into the office 3-4 days a week and I have laundry in building but not in unit (which means I do laundry less often as I did when I had it in unit).

    I also like fashion and think it’s fun so I don’t believe in limiting myself for the sake of limiting myself: I usually buy a few cheaper fun/trendy pieces but try to have my classics be nicer and versatile.

    Am curious to hear how others balance this! Any favorite workhorse pieces worth investing in? How many work and weekend outfits do you tend to have?

    I’m also somewhere with 4 seasons so that obviously impacts my wardrobe choices

    1. I was like this before the pandemic. Now, I only go to the office once or twice a week, so I do need to get rid of some clothes. And not buy more.

       But basically, I did me. I figured as long as I wear most of the clothes I have a good amount of the time, and can store them easily and in a way that I can see what I have, I’m good. I may or may not have met these conditions, but they are what I aspired to.

       I think capsule wardrobe articles are fun to look at, but I don’t think they’re really helpful to people who actually like to dress themselves and are fairly good at it. I feel like there was a discussion about this a few weeks ago, about downsizing wardrobes, and someone mentioned doing it by… thinking about what activities you need clothes for? So work, going out, exercise, etc. I might not have this exactly right, but it was different and I thought more helpful than the usual pick-a-bunch-of-neutrals advice.

       1. Cosign. I had a capsule wardrobe when I was pregnant. Now that I’m not, I get bored of things, styles change, workplace dress changes, the workplace changes, perimenopause and fibroids change your size / shape so I’ve never found a capsule wardrobe for my non-pregnant life. It’s not static. I’d love to be “done,” but I’ve only seen that in adults for those little old ladies who go to Mass every morning in black dresses. I can DO black dresses :)

       2. Occasion capsules are more useful to me (also in a 4-season climate) than any standard list. Like I am just not into white button downs and chambray.

          I feel like if everything in my closet is being used, and I’m not running out of room to store it, it’s fine to stay.

          There is overlap in individual garments but this is how I think about what I own:
          My categories are, roughly:
          – Work – dress up days (blazers, nicer dresses)
          – Work – normal everyday (business casual)
          – Casual – mom life (athleisure mostly)
          – Casual – more dressed up for going out with friends, church, random social occasions
          – Workout clothes
          – Special occasion

          It’s a lot of clothes but my biggest categories are probably my business casual and workout capsules.

          1. I was the poster from.before and the categories above are pretty much what I use, and the idea is obviously malleable for your personal situation. I would add that the other factor is season – e.g., I need linen pants and wool pants and heavy blazers and lightweight layers, but only a few of each. I have amped it up by using closet dividers like you see in stores to categorize things so I can easily see and find them and note if there is just too much in a section or something I am consistently passing over that should go. And I relegate off-season items to the ends of my wide closet and will do a purge when the seasons change if I see something that can go.

          2. I also think about clothes in categories. Mine are:

             – Business formal
             – Business casual (mostly nice jeans + blazer) for occasional in-office work
             – Everyday casual for WFH, rehearsals, lessons, errands, mom life
             – Cute casual for going out and social occasions
             – Athleisure/lounge
             – Workout, with subcategories for various sports and activities (skiing, paddling, yoga, ballet, HIIT, etc.)
             – Camping/hiking
             – Grubby clothes for cleaning and yard work, with subcategory for painting and other extra-messy activities
             – Church and daytime parties
             – Concert black
             – C’tail/theatre/concert audience
             – Wedding guest
             – Black tie

             The first two and last four categories get much less use than they did pre-pandemic.

    2. Honestly, cuyana’s marketing line doesn’t work for me as an actual closet strategy. Nicer things worn all the time get worn out and aiming for classic just isn’t my look. I just organize my closets often to keep them organized and remind myself what I have. And I’m ruthless about fit but still buy cheaper, trendier items. I find they often wear just as well.

    3. So this is definitely how I have my wardrobe but the answer is going to be boring — it takes years. There’s no way to get your wardrobe the right size and the right composition all at once. Do a first pass through your wardrobe and get rid of everything you just want out for sure. When the season ends, get rid of whatever you didn’t wear and/or don’t like anymore (I just keep a bag for this in my closet and put things in them as I realize our time together has passed). When the next season starts, think through what outfits you feel like wearing this summer/fall/whatever, given how often you do whatever you do, and buy a small number of things that you are really excited about and think they will last. I usually buy 4-8 items per season, across all my needs (work, casual, going out). Over several years, your wardrobe will right-size itself to your needs without you having to come up with specific numbers of things.

       EG I had been dressing so casually for a few years so I wanted some more dressed-up options for this summer and I bought a pair of dressier sandals (Coclico), 2 dresses (Sezanne — casual or work on a casual day), a crochet top (also Sezanne but on sale), 2 t-shirts (JCrew factory), and a cotton cardigan (Madewell on sale). My total spend was pretty high (a bit under $1k) but I love everything I got and wear it regularly and believe I will wear each item for several years (probably fewer for the tshirts). The rest of my summer wardrobe includes a pair of birkenstocks, leather slide sandals, two pairs shorts, several tshirts, 2-3 casual casual dresses/jumpsuits, a few more casual-work dresses (2-3?) and a few work-work dresses (maybe 3-4?), 2 work skirts, and several work tops (silk — 3). I also have pants, suits, jeans, etc from other seasons that I can incorporate if needed, and the work dresses, skirts and tops are all season (I just wear more pants in the other seasons, and have a couple of long sleeve dresses I don’t wear in the summer). I feel like this is actually quite a lot of stuff (I could totally live with fewer items) but I like and regularly wear everything. Some of them are really old — one pair of shorts is 8+ years old, the other is 2 years old — but the sandals and tshirts need to be replaced every 2-3 years. Last spring I bought a fancy dress for an event, a pair of leather sneakers, a pair of jeans, a long sleeve-tshirt, and that’s it.

    4. I think the answer is impacted by your work dress code. When we had to do business attire I had 6 each of work pants, dresses and skirts to be the base, half a dozen sweaters or jackets for the season and some tops and shoes. I was able to rotate through them without dying of boredom by looking for bits of color and pattern to relieve the black.

    5. Oh yeah I have no interest in a capsule wardrobe! I think they’re pretty boring.

       I’d much rather have 6 higher quality work dresses I love than a capsule!

       My minimalist mom was shocked when I mentioned in the summer I wear 2 pairs of sandals and in the winter I wear 1 pair of boots to work almost every day so I was thinking maybe that wasn’t enough?

       1. The only reason it isn’t enough is that it is good to let shoes rest and dry out for a day between wearing. So maybe you’d like to have two pairs of boots?

          I live a life, even during the pandemic, where sandals and boots wouldn’t be enough. We have times of year when it’s too cold for sandals, but too warm for boots. The other thing about having more shoes is they don’t wear out as fast because you don’t wear them as often. So you could have more shoes and replace them less often, or fewer shoes and replace them more often. It might even out, I don’t really know.

          1. I have a pair of mules that I wear in fall/spring and am interested in getting a pair of loafers for that season too but tbd. Feels like a lot of work shoes, especially when I’m not in every day.

             Last year I bought $450 very high quality boots, which is why I want to wear them a lot

19. Any ideas for exercises you can do for strengthening the core easily without any equipment? I feel like I only ever do cardio and would like to work on core but also don’t want to buy weights and things that won’t be used if I don’t stick with this. I don’t have the strength right now to do planks in any kind of decent form. Is there any benefit to doing things like squats without free weights or is that pointless?

    1. When I was first doing ab exercises, I would do the 8 Minute Abs workout on yt. I like that it’s short and it was a fun 80s throwback. Once I was able to get through the workout twice easily and without sore abs the next day, I graduated to other things.

    2. Try bicycles, clamshells, dynamic bridges, Russian twists, TA tilts, bird dogs, and dead bugs. Make a circuit of them all, starting with 10 reps or 1 min each, repeat a few times. Planks are good, too, even if you start with only a few seconds at a time and build from there.

       Squats are good, but more for glutes and quads and less for your core.

    3. on youtube look up Move with Nicole for awesome free pilates classes or search for Popsugar barre. You do not need weights to do core work!

    4. You can do Barre3 workouts without props, and with modifications (like using a waist-high surface for planks, etc.) Lots of excellent core-building moves, but the workouts are totally customizable to fit with your ability level. I love Barre and was formerly strictly a running and yoga person!

    5. I think there are lots of good core workouts on YouTube. Planks are good, I also like the thing where you put your feet up in a stability ball, or even your couch, and then lift up your butt. It is mainly for legs, but I find that you have to engage your core to get yourself up.

20. My husband and I decided to separate over the weekend. I am sad and scared. It was more my doing than his, but when I realized I would be happier without him in my life, I knew I had to do something. Although I know this site skews towards ‘divorce the MF’ advice, the marriage discussions on this site has helped me realize what I want and don’t want. So sad today and it is very hard to picture my life without him since we have been together a very long time and have two teen daughters.

    1. I remember this feeling right after I left my husband — we had a toddler and had been together since college, so our entire adulthood had been intertwined (we moved in together immediately after college). It’s a weird time, but in a year you will be SO MUCH HAPPIER. I look back on the last year before I left and I cannot believe I allowed myself to be that miserable, but back then I could not have imagined being as happy as I am right now. Good luck! You can do this!

       1. “I look back on the last year before I left and I cannot believe I allowed myself to be that miserable.” Yep. This is pretty much exactly how I feel three years post-divorce.

    2. Hugs!

    3. Thinking of you today! As SA would remind us, the only way out is through.

    4. I don’t think this place “skews” towards DTMFA, it’s just that if it’s bad enough to ask a group of internet strangers about, it’s more likely to be bad enough to leave. People aren’t typically posting about their more minor problems.

       1. +1

    5. Hugs to you! Even when you know this is right for you and the best thing, it can still be hard. While you don’t need to go into details with others, think about gathering your support system of family or friends so you have people to check in on you.

21. If were started your career in biglaw in a HCOL city, can you share what your net worth was at the time you left? Would be helpful to know how long you stayed. Basically I’m trying to figure out if I should have certain net worth or financial goals prior to leaving. Do you regret leaving when you did? Assuming you weren’t pushed to leave, do you wish you stayed another year or few years for money?

    1. I still have nightmare flashbacks to my time there when I am stressed, even though it is 10 years later. I left before paying off my loans (but chose to save a cash cushion) but had saved a good bit so that I had options (including paying my rent for the month off I took between jobs). I was in a specialty regulatory field where I never quite hit the hours that corporate or litigation associates did for their $$$ bonuses (but was grateful for the job b/c I was middle half of my class at a T50 law school that I borrowed to go to).

    2. I didn’t have a net worth target, it was more a “setting myself up to live long term on a smaller but still completely comfortable income.”

       So- law school loans were paid off, retirement fund had a healthy start, and had purchased our starter home (condo). I also made it easier to leave by not locking in any long term fixed expenses that were only sustainable on a Biglaw salary.

    3. I haven’t left yet as I am now contemplating staying in biglaw for the foreseeable future (I’m a 7th year) but when I was a junior I had a goal of paying off loans and then $500k in “liquid asset” so investment accounts plus savings which I’ve now met.

    4. Currently an 8th year biglaw associate in NYC and have been a biglaw associate my whole career. I started without any student debt and my current savings are well over $1M. I used to track more closely since hitting $1M was a goal for me even as a junior associate. It’s harder to track my personal savings now that I’m married and sharing expenses.

       Check out the website big law investor for some sample budgets and saving plans if you’re interested in maximizing savings. I don’t feel as though I had to scrimp a lot to save that amount of money, although I did my best to avoid lifestyle creep and maintain some moderation.

       Best of luck to you in biglaw! For whatever it’s worth, most of my NYC lawyer friends are still in biglaw and the ones that left seemed to do so on their own initiative. I’m trying to stay in biglaw long enough to finish having kids (great leave benefits!) and then will likely go in house for good money and fewer hours. I have no regrets staying as long as I have since it’s set up a good saving base and given me a lot of training and experience. In house opportunities seem to have grown in number as I get more senior.

       1. I should add I picked $1m as a goal out of thin air because it seemed like a crazy amount of money to me (as did the starting salaries…). The posters above are thinking about it right when they talk about saving enough for a good base for a future life with a smaller salary

    5. I was at 750k when I left. I would’ve loved to stay to hit the even million, but it wasn’t in my hands as things were slow across the firm though not for me personally. I had gotten to be a 9th year, so they were pushing people out whether you were personally busy or not. It was a different era than currently. Starting salaries were 160k, not the current 200k plus. And it took YEARS for even the major firms to recover from the financial crisis, so once your time was up as an associate you were pushed out swiftly. There weren’t options to stay as counsel or NEP, other firms weren’t going to take you as a lateral as they had their own seniors to push out.

    6. About $1M after nearly a decade. This was after paying off significant student loans. Initially, my goal was to hit $500k and then leave, but I stayed a few years beyond that. I make a fraction of my biglaw salary now – enough to pay expenses, save 10% in a 401k, and save a few hundred a month post-tax in a MCOL area. And I’m OK with it. The financial cushion biglaw afforded me has meant freedom to pursue other career paths that interest me.

    7. I was in the Bay Area, I left after 5 years, I had a net worth of $300k with zero debt. I don’t regret leaving. I moved for my husband’s job, otherwise I probably would have stayed another year or two but it wasn’t a big deal. The money isn’t “f-ck you” money in the conventional sense but it allowed me to transition to a much lower paying job (in a LCOL area) without worrying about how I was going to afford luxuries I had grown used to.

    8. I left earlier this year when I was a 5th year associate, and my NW was about $580k. That has dipped somewhat because of the economy, but I am not particularly worried about it, as I still have a very long time before retirement. I now work at a small boutique. I took a modest paycut and my bonus is no longer guaranteed, but my lifestyle has improved immensely. (I was at a firm with no hours requirement – for any law students reading, this is a recruiting trick – if there is no hours requirement is because people are blowing 2000 out of the water anyway)

       99% of the time I think it was worth it, but 1% of the time I am a little bummed that I’m not as ~prestigious~ as I used to be, and that I don’t get to do certain parts of deals that I really enjoyed doing anymore. I was burned out beyond recognition when I left and am still recovering from that. I had been incredibly busy my entire time at the firm, and could not see it slowing down at any point in the foreseeable future (based on what I have heard from friends, it is still Very Bad). If the job had not been killing me, I probably would have stayed a few more years or maybe even forever. I loosely wanted to make it to $1mm before I left, but I didn’t, and that’s okay. I will eventually.

22. Anyone else watching Extraordinary Attorney Woo on Netflix? Love it so much!

    1. Oh wow that’s going on my list!

23. Would really appreciate some encouragement/motivation/reassurance that my post-pandemic & weight gain closet purge is the right move! Just kinda bummed that certain things don’t fit anymore, but don’t like having these items staring at me in my closet.

    1. You’ll feel so much better afterwards!! I certainly did.

    2. If you want to stay your current weight, then of course you should make room for your current clothes!

       If you don’t want to stay your current weight, I would do a partial purge. If an item is something you wouldn’t wear today even if it fit, or wouldn’t be excited to pull back out again, time to go. If it’s a favorite you’d be eager to wear, store it in a bin so it’s not irritating you in the meantime.

    3. I like to think about breathing new life into clothes that don’t fit.

       Right now they are not serving their purpose- but maybe in someone else’s closet, they would be cherished and worn regularly! For some reason, this helps me let go of old sizes and aspirational outfits.

       1. This is great framing.

          1. I agree! Thank you. Especially if I can give some of my nicer pieces to friends.

    4. I did a postpartum closet purge last year when my kid was one. My categories:
       1. It is close to fitting and I really love it –> keep it, move to a different closet if possible
       2. I really love it but it will never fit again –> donate and hope the new owner loves it; consider finding similar item in current size
       3. I really don’t like it and it isn’t close to fitting –> donate without a shred of guilt
       4. Close to fitting but am not in love with –> kept, reevaluated this year, and donated this year.

       1. I’ve kept a few things in that first category – my barometer for it is “this garment does up but I don’t like how it fits” and I try to pass on everything else. If I lose weight again I will buy new clothes

    5. If weight loss is your goal – when you lose the weight you’re going to want new clothes anyway, it feels like so much more of an accomplishment than just fitting back into your old clothes. Like a, look what I did, rather than, I got back ground I’d lost.

    6. I only purged the items that I did not like anymore. I kept all the clothes that I liked, but did not fit. I moved them out of my closet though.

       Now after focusing on my fitness, many of my old clothes fit again! Btw I’m still 20 lbs over my prepandemic weight.

    7. I’m one of those people who gains or loses 5 pounds and needs a new pants size, so I’ve always been grateful to have kept clothes that don’t fit. Move them out of your closet to make room for the stuff you’re currently wearing, but if you like them, I think it’s worth holding on to them unless you really think you won’t fit into them again.

24. Recently moved and was setting up our master bathroom when DH balked at my placement of a little trash can not directly next to the toilet. It was then revealed that DH doesn’t flush his tp after use, but throws it away. WTF- I have lived with this man for a decade and just discovered this. He also asserted “most people do this” because it’s “common knowledge it’s bad to flush tp”. I have so many questions. Is this true??? Have I been living under some stupid rock? I think it’s time to buy a bidet….

    1. Absolutely not! I always flush tp. I think you may be reluctant to flush if you grew up with a septic tank.

       1. Not the OP, but I grew up with (and now have) a septic tank and this is not true. Unless your septic is dying or something, and then it only buys a very little extra time.

          1. That was just the only reason I could think of for people living in the US.

    2. Are you living in the US? Is he from the US?

       I’ve heard of this being a thing in places with fragile plumbing systems, that flushing anything other than the waste itself can be a problem, but otherwise no, this is not something most people here do.

       1. Yep we live in the US. I didn’t realize this was relevant but he immigrated from Russia when he was 5 years old.

          1. I immigrated from Russia when I was a teen, and do not do this and no one I’ve ever known in Russia does it. I spent a lot of time in the countryside in Russia with many variations on lack-of-indoor-plumbing and this was still not a thing.

       2. Yea, this is pretty common in places with very old plumbing systems (the first time I learned this was a thing was when I was visiting Istanbul and a Turkish friend gave me a heads up about it before I left) but not in the US.
          How you haven’t noticed for a decade, no idea.

    3. Did he grow up with a septic system? My understanding is that the very fluffy TP is or can be bad, but Scott is fine. We live in the city with a sewer system and still use Scott b/c it doesn’t suddenly run out the way the fluffy brands are that seem to have 10 sheets per roll.

       EEEEEWWWW. Have the same sh*t going on with someone who uses adult wipes (which I know you can’t flush but EWWWWWW who wants a trash can full of that?!).

       1. PSA regarding those flushable wipes! They are NOT flushable! I have had clogged pipes twice and had to have a professional come out and open then up because of those stupid things. I makes me mad that they say they are flushable; more marketing BS.

          1. For a horrifying description of what happens when you flush “flushable” wipes, google “fatburg.”

    4. TP is designed to be flushed in the US. Some countries can’t support even that minimal amount of paper.

       That said… do you not need a trash next to the toilet for your period? Like you’d better believe I am not tr-nsporting an overflowing tampon 1 more inch than is strictly necessary.

       1. I have actually been on continuous birth control for 17 years and don’t get a period :) :) :)

       2. You don’t flush your tampons?

          1. no way, they are murder on old plumbing! They don’t disintegrate into nothing like TP does…

          2. You’re not supposed to – I was taught to when it became a thing for me in the early aughts, but have been yelled at by plumbers since then, lol. TP + bodily matter, that’s it!

          3. OMG do not flush your tampons. They are not flushable and do not disintegrate like TP does.

          4. My friend’s teen daughter clogged her toilet with tampons and she did not enjoy it when the plumber came and loudly announced to the entire family the reason for the clog.

          5. I was taught you could flush tampons but not pads, but apparently even tampons are really bad for the plumbing and you’re not supposed to flush them.

    5. Not flushing TP is common in some countries/regions. I think actually the US is an outlier here, so he might be right that “most people” do this if he’s speaking globally.

       If you’re in the US and you’re not on a bizarrely sensitive septic system, it’s fine to flush TP. Just tell him that and put the trash can where you please.

    6. TP is not flushed many places in Greece, because the narrow pipes in the plumbing can’t handle it. In hotels and restaurants you’ll find a big basket next to the loo. Elsewhere in Europe you might find a sign reminding people not to flush tampons, pads, condoms, nappies etc, and those signs always specify something like “only human waste and TP, please”

       I’ve been told by plumbers that it’s better to use softer TP than rougher TP to avoid blocking pipes. (Where I live, the cheapest recycled paper is very smooth and does not disintegrate as well.)

    7. I guess you don’t empty that garbage can if you never realized this-lol!

       1. Seriously! Can’t be that big of a problem if you never noticed.

    8. Toilet paper should be flushed in the U.S., but there should always be a trash can within arm’s reach of the toilet for lots of reasons.

25. I have straight dark hair that at this point has lots and lots of gray and I’m ready for a change – it’s looking very blah and I’m looking washed out. In my mod-30s. I am thinking about doing highlights or balayage but what color? Dark to make it overall darker? Blonde to create some interest? Something else?

    1. I recommend asking a few people you know with great hair color and ask for the name of their stylist. Book a couple consultations and think about if you like their recommendations. You’d be surprised how often people will see a color they like and not realize it would look awful with their skin tone – but the stylist will know.

26. A dear childhood friend has recently started to use a wheelchair in public, and she’s been fielding some incredibly intrusive questions from casual acquaintances (“is it a degenerative condition?” “are you going to die from this?” etc). Her condition is very rare with unpredictable flares of excruciating pain. Sometimes she’s able to walk unassisted; sometimes she’s contemplating amputation because the pain is so severe. She lives in a small town where her wheelchair is very visible, and she runs a small business whose bottom-line will likely be impacted. She mentioned that it would be helpful to have some support from peers who also use wheelchairs, especially intermittently. Any advice on helping her connect with someone? Is there anyone on this forum in a similar situation? Thanks so much.

    1. No personal advice but it sucks that she’s dealing with this. Disability is handled very poorly in the US. While I am not a wheel chair user, I really like the Instagram account “Sitting Pretty” by Rebekah Taussig and her memoir. She uses a wheel chair most of the time. I think she does a great job promoting community on her Instagram – she has an active comment section.

    2. I’m not in a wheelchair, but do have several disabling health conditions. Mine aren’t quite as apparent, but when people ask awkward questions, most of them are coming from either caring about me or being curious about disabilities. It’s not her obligation to educate people more than she feels capable of doing, but in general, I think we don’t talk enough about disability and the more people can talk openly about it, the better. Just because people are casual acquaintances doesn’t mean they can’t genuinely care- I would certainly be concerned if the owner of a business I frequented suddenly showed up in a wheelchair and would hope for the best for her. I know people certainly can phrase things in ways that seem offensive and I’m sure a few of them really are obnoxious or nosy, but I find it much easier to deal with when I assume the best of people and ignore the rest. Not wheelchair specific, but Brianne Benness writes a lot about intermittent disability and she might be able to connect with intermittent wheelchair users through commenters or twitter followers.

    3. Thanks, really appreciate both of these comments and recommendations. She’s trying her hardest to assume best intentions, but many of the questions have seemed rooted in fear or skepticism, rather than caring or kindness.

       1. One of the posters above here- skepticism is definitely the worst, those are the people I try to ignore and just don’t really engage with. But fear mostly comes from ignorance and that’s where I do think it really helps to talk more about disability. I’m not always up for it, and I assume your friend isn’t either, but when she can manage it, I think it really helps when people have a better understanding that disability isn’t always constant and that sometimes bad things just happen and there’s not much that can be done medically.

27. unsolicited tv recommendation but Maggie on Hulu is an absolute delight. About a 30-something psychic who has trouble dating because she can see how it all ends up (much more complex than that but there you go). I am super charmed by it!

    1. Ooh, sounds interesting! I will check it out.

    2. I’m a fan of cheesy romcoms and thought I would love this, but it’s waaaay too cheesy for me.

       1. that’s surprising! I think the humor is edgy enough/witty enough to keep away the cheesiness. Something like Virgin River, for example, I could NOT get into.

28. Is there a term to describe the pattern of behavior I’m about to detail? I think it’s similar to learned helplessness but not exactly. Examples: when I (attorney) tell my assistant to subpoena records from XYZ corporation, and she asks “what’s the address” instead of using available resources like google to figure it out. Or my DH who won’t even attempt to set up ikea products because he “doesn’t know what he’s doing”, but hasn’t read the directions, troubleshooted, watched instructional YouTube’s, etc… He thinks I’m amazing at setting up these things but I also have no idea what I’m doing, I just do the work to figure it out and try. It’s like he’s afraid of failing so he won’t even try unless there is someone holding his hand telling him exactly what to do. It’s a lazy behavior for sure but I don’t think it’s intentional to get out of doing things, I think he genuinely gets overwhelmed and thinks he can’t do it. He also asks me a lot of questions for which my response is “let me google that for you”.

    1. I don’t know, but it’s pervasive in my university among staff. I’ve always attributed it to a general lack of curiosity. There’s no special training for the area of finance I handle, it’s just a matter of digging in and figuring it out – something that really seems to bewilder most folks.

    2. The term is “laziness.”

    3. I don’t know the term, but your husbands behavior sounds like perfectionism fueled by anxiety. If it bothers you, instead of googling things you could say to him why don’t you google that?

    4. The less charitable term/take is weaponized incompetence. More charitable takes might call this learned helplessness. I have seen both happening in the same person too.

       1. I discovered the term weaponized incompetence yesterday which is actually what triggered my question. I guess my confusion is that I don’t think it’s intentional; where as weaponized incompetence seems to be an intentional tactic of manipulation.

          1. I can’t speak to your specific dynamic of course, but often I think in weaponized incompetence, the person has not consciously thought about it at all. They’re just content with the status quo (them not having to do something they don’t have to do) and continue behaviors that maintain the status quo. The ignorance is part of what’s working for them.

             1. Oops, that should say “not having to do something they don’t WANT to do.”

          2. I think it *is* intentional, because they don’t want to do the work that they’re making you do. Frankly, I don’t care what people call it, this behavior drives me crazy and I have exceptionally low tolerance for it.

    5. Learned helplessness. This is how I became known as the technology genius of our practice group. No, people, I’m not really knowledgable about technology, I just know how to google and follow directions.

       1. I frequently say that the difference between one who is technically competent and one who is not, is the willingness to press a button and see what happens. I’m amazed at the questions my dh, kids, and other relatives ask me … I have zero technical skills, but always come up with an answer either via Google or trying something.

    6. I think learned helplessness is the most appropriate term, or maybe inept and lazy? They are going for the path of least resistance if asking you means they don’t have to do the work themselves.

       For your assistant: do you give her the address or tell her you want her to try to find it herself first, then come to you if that fails? Or instead of googling for him, why not just tell your husband to google it himself?

    7. I actually have this to some extent. For me, it’s linked to anxiety and depression. If I don’t already know how to do something, I assume I can’t do it or it’s impossible. A lot of it is just automatic negative thinking projecting difficulty or always assuming things are a lot harder than they actually are.

       I’ve had to really work on reframing and doing self-talk to say, “I can figure this out” or “If it’s something other people can do, there’s no reason I can’t.” But I think a lot of that may be going on for other people and they don’t realize it.

       The “What’s the address” example is so silly though – it is so easy to look up!

    8. One of the staff managers in my firm calls this “giving a sh!t”.

29. What the heck did they do to her poor arm! Photoshop ads just turn me off.

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