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Sheet sets are on sale right now, and you can find this pattern available in twin, full, and queen sizes for $135-$169. If the oyster print isn't your taste, they offer 12 “essentials” colors, and an additional 9 seasonal ones.
(Admin note: thank you for your patience today with the outages. We just moved to a new host and are still working out some kinks, and we have a few other big under-the-hood tech changes scheduled… Also thank you to the readers a few weeks ago who helped my tech team track down a plugin that had been hacked; your screenshots were incredibly helpful.)
Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
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- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
Anonymous
i’m dreading the debate tonight – is anyone truly undecided at this point?
i guess i’m not dreading the debate it’s the 2 weeks of commentary to follow.
Anon
Same.
Anon
Kamala’s an extremely skilled trial lawyer and very intellectually agile. She’s going to wipe the floor with him, and the contrast between the two will be gobsmackingly stark, even for people who want it not to be.
There’s still an election-deciding percentage of swing voters out there, and Kamala needs to convert them in order to win. The election is a toss-up, she’s a little bit behind, but she has a lot more room than he does to win people over. This will likely be the biggest audience she gets before the election and its importance can’t be overstated. She needs to convert at least 1-2% of the electorate within 2 months in order to win.
Encourage everyone you know to watch! Post about it if you have social media and try to keep the spirits up :)
Anon
The thing is that shes being held to such a higher standard. If she makes even the slightest misstep it will be highlighted and discussed endlessly. Her policy proposals will be picked apart. If he speaks in semi-coherent sentences and avoids talking about Hannibal Lector the mainstream media will call it a win for him.
And it’s just hard for women to “win” debates in the minds of the public. They can’t look too aggressive, but also easily come across as weak. This is hugely sexist but it’s reality. I don’t think people felt like Hillary crushed Trump in the debates and she was also a smart accomplished lawyer.
Anon
well, Trump is hard to debate because he just spews lies. He gets away with saying things no one else can.
Anon
That too.
Anon
I saw a tweet that said Trump will be praised for his decorum if he doesn’t use the c word or the n word tonight and sadly I think that’s about right. He’s set the bar for his behavior in h3ll.
anon
Yeah, I don’t plan on watching. It’s just going to ramp up my anxiety. She will handily defeat him, and yet I don’t expect it to make any difference whatsoever.
Anon
I talked to someone today who is undecided. He is focused solely on economic issues. He said that he would vote for the candidate who will help him make the most money. He wants to hear policy from Harris tonight and is willing to blindly ignore all of the craziness that comes with DJT as long as he ends up richer. Sigh.
Anon
Unfortunately there are a lot of people who would sell their soul for a buck. A lot of the quiet wealthy republicans who vote for Trump
Anon
Tell him about Goldman Sachs’s saying the economy will do better under Harris.
https://www.salon.com/2024/09/05/goldman-sachs-report-harris-would-likely-boost-the-economy-while-would-stifle-growth/
Democratic presidents consistently have better economic growth than Republican ones.
Anon
Candidate: I’m going to raise taxes on those making over $400,000 per year
Guy making $20/hour: They’re gonna raise my taxes!
Anon
I know. Same thing with the unrealized capital gains tax. don’t know how the Republican party convinced blue collar factory workers to care about the financial impact on people with net worths above $100M, but somehow they did.
Anonymous
I’m voting Harris, but I will say, the unrealized capital gains tax is a real nonstarter for me. And I don’t have millions of dollars. But I do have a headache just thinking about how we implement that.
Anonymous
So remind him kleptocracy didn’t go very well for the Russian economy. Russia is a crap investment and if Trump has his way, America will be too.
Anon
This is so disgusting.
Anon
It’s bonkers to me but I do know someone who’s undecided-ish. She’s a secular Jew who’s gone off the rails about Israel and says the Democratic party is too antisemitic for her to vote for Kamala, but she also hates Trump. Most likely she won’t vote, but she says based on what happens between now and November she could be persuaded to vote for either of them. She’s in CA so her individual vote doesn’t matter, but I assume there are those like her in swing states.
I’m also Jewish and while I do think there’s been a disturbing rise in antisemitism on the left, it’s pretty nuts to say it’s better to switch to Republicans – a party with prominent members who were quite literally defending Hitler as recently as last week. This woman is also very wealthy and living in a blue state so insulated from the worst effects of a Trump presidency. She’s very pro-choice and I pointed out that millions of women in red states will lose abortion access if Trump wins and her reaction was basically “Meh it doesn’t affect me.” It’s all very selfish and disappointing.
Anonymous
Lots of different kinds of cults driving voting decisions this year.
Antiquing friend
Trying again in the right thread this time.
Update to my update incase anyone cares. My friend reached out to me and we have plans this weekend, I’m not going to ask about their relationship status, but we’ve come full circle so this will probably be the last I mention it here.
Anon
I hope you have a good time antiquing!
Anon
I hope it goes well (and thank you for updating).
Anon
To the single women out there who commented yesterday about how they may not want to even try since 2-3 dates a week sounds exhausting: it’s only a year or so of having to date before you find your person! If you want to be married, it’s the way to make it happen. Weigh the options: 1) A year or so of dating like a job and trying to have fun with it (coffee dates, walks, happy-hour drinks) to meet your person or 2) Continuing to be single not by choice and potentially winding up not being able to marry before it’s too late to have kids. Which option do you think you’re more likely to regret in ten years, even if you don’t like the sound of either now?
This is only for the women who said they really want to get married but don’t want to date. I know many women who are happily single and child-free in their 50s and above, and that’s a wonderful option if it’s what you want. But if you DON’T want that, but are also complaining about dating more rigorously and considering opting out, I’d really encourage a reframe! You can get what you want, it just takes a short period of prioritizing it and making time for it.
anon
Asking someone to make the best of 2-3 dates a week is a tough pill to swallow, I’m sure. It sounds grueling to me, especially for someone even a little bit introverted or who doesn’t get a rush from meeting new people. And while I get that it’s a numbers game with the apps, I can see why people would bristle at the suggestion.
Anon
It gets easier the more you do it! I have terrible social anxiety, but the exposure therapy of maxing out how many first dates I went on really took the dread out of it. By the end of my time online dating, I felt like I could do it in my sleep and was way more comfortable/confident on every date.
Anon
Right. And there’s no guarantee it ends after a year. You could do this for a decade and not meet the right person. It sucks but it’s true.
Anon
This.
Anonymous
Exactly. Like consider those of us who have opted out actually did this? For multiple years already?
No thanks
Christ, no kidding. I can’t do a rehash of this thread again this afternoon. The smuggest of smug marrieds.
Anon
I think yesterday’s question was from someone who had not opted out. She was asking for advice.
Moose
As someone who didn’t date at all, and somehow ended up married – I think it’s helpful to remember that a lot of dating success is luck, and may have little reflection on the quality of the person. Yes, it’s a numbers game, but input of effort does not guarantee anything, unlike a lot of things in life. For high-achieving people, this can be difficult to admit that it can be out of your hands. But, to me, it’s also encouraging! Things can always change (for the better!).
Anon
Absolutely. I did very little actual dating but met my husband through a mutual friend shortly after graduating from college and breaking up with my college BF. Logically I can understand that it’s a numbers game, but in practice it seems like a lot of people get happy marriages with no effort and a lot of people put in tons of effort and don’t meet anyone, so it can feel very frustrating to someone who isn’t having as much luck.
Anonymous
Or you could not do it and ensure you won’t be meeting people. It’s like applying for jobs. Yes, you might not get what you’re after. But your likelihood certainly goes up if you’re actively submitting resumes. Doesn’t make the process less grueling. But sitting passively for someone to find you just isn’t going to be as effective.
Anon
I don’t think this is the most effective way to job search either.
No one is sitting passively waiting for someone to find them.
Dating isn’t the only way to find people. If it’s fun outings we’d like to do with a stranger anyway, maybe it’s worth it. If it’s no way to live, then why not explore alternatives?
Anon
I know yesterday there was a lot of “first dates don’t have to last long” commentary (and I agree – I am a one drink maybe two max on a first date kind of person), but even so, 2-3 dates a week takes a lot of time. I usually do one thing a night after work, so if I’m on a date two of those nights then that means I’m not going to the gym or getting a drink with a friend or running errands. Then, on weekends sure I can make some time for dates but I am not wasting an entire weekend on dating guys I don’t know (and therefore may not like). Weekends are sacred.
Anon
It’s 2-3 hours.
Anon
I agree about a short period of prioritizing it and making time for it.
If someone really hates dating, I still think it’s okay to look for someone who hates dating just as much, but you’ll still have to meet them somewhere (a class, a tour, while volunteering, etc.). I know a number of couples who met without going on dates but of course they still met!
Anonymous
Agree – give it a go like it’s your job for 1 year. See how it goes.
Bravo
This is amazing advice. Grad school isn’t fun, but you put your head down and do it to get the result. I am in the mid 40s single childless by not choice but circumstance wishing I’d been more selective instead of time panicked though, there’s not a single guy I ever dated that I’d want to be married to right now.
Anon
That makes sense. I think a lot of us would be better served by being more selective and having higher standards for men we date.
Just want to say, 40s is still so young. My mother met her now-husband when she was 45 by going on Match.com dates. My stepdad is a warm-hearted goofball and 20 years later they are still so adoringly in love with each other. He’s definitely the best person she could have wound up with and makes her so happy, and I don’t think they would have been able to find each other any earlier (she was in an emotionally abusive marriage before and he had some personal challenges earlier in life).
There are still a lot of great guys out there and you can still find someone to have a 40-50 year marriage with :)
Anonymous
40 isn’t young if you want kids
Anonymous
This. Most guys balked at the fact I still wanted kids even at 38. Either they have their kids and don’t want more or they will marry someone much younger once they get their sh*t together. The apps make it worse because I don’t look my age so everyone thinks I have old pictures or am a robot and I get a lot of mean comments. Okay, but I have a whole IG account that’s 10 years old and very real so…but yeah I guess it’s not too old to find love but yeah. I didn’t want to be childless. I didn’t want to do it alone. There were so many hopeful moments before a guy would disappear and marry the next woman who’s 7-10 years younger (and I still get texts from them gross). It’s really, really hard. I’m moving on. I did my time of 2-3 dates a month and even per week. I get the hint.
-Super Aunt/Boss/Daughter/Friend/Sister
Anon
I guess the thing with grad school is I know if I do XYZ, I will graduate and get my degree.
I could easily go on 2-3 first dates a week for a year and still not end up with a boyfriend.
Anon
Exactly.
Anon
Yup exactly this.
Anon
One of my hacks to life as a pessimist is to treat everything as an input-output equation, even if it feels less guaranteed than something like getting your degree.
Yeah, there’s no confirmation that you’ll get a boyfriend, but if a 100 people go on many dates, a much higher percentage of them are going to wind up in a relationship they like than the 100 people who don’t. Trust the process and focus on what you can control in any situation (your input), and stay away from negative thinking like “if there isn’t a 100% guarantee, I don’t want to do it, even if it objectively increases my chances of success substantially.” Most things in life aren’t a 100% guarantee, but the people who typically get what they want are the ones who maximize their input (and maximize their chance of success) anyway.
Anon
Stated perfectly.
Ok
Yes but if you did do this, and it doesn’t work out, you have the relief of knowing you tried everything to get there. And not everyone can finish grad school or does. More of a “I don’t want to do *this part I hate* but I can’t get what I want without it” mentality.
I’d rather walk away mad at the universe than myself. I’ve been dating to be married for 30 years. Never married. No kids. I’ve been to 70 weddings including all 3 of my younger siblings, probably twice that in baby showers. I’ve done everything I was supposed to do. I’ve been in therapy for 10 years. I go on vacations alone. I meditate. I very routinely exercise. I have had just about every hobby and participated in every group sport league. I own a successful business because of all the contacts I’ve made. I was a bikini model in my 20s but had the lowest bar no one could even limbo under it. I gave everyone a chance at coffee, dated only the ones we clicked. I’ve switched therapists, gone to mediums and reflexologists, tried stand up comedy (one and done), and made sure friends knew to send their divorcing friends my way. I didn’t make it my only focus, just a priority. No one even gives me advice anymore.
I still try but perimenopause is reminding me that I don’t have the same goals as I did when I started. Of all the people I know, very few are still happily married. I’m sure their stories help me not have fomo and mine help them appreciate what they have. It’s nice that women can decide not to have children or get married. That wasn’t something I did by choice but at least I can go write a book about it in my quiet house.
I will say the only advantage to this approach is, I’ve accepted that I’m happy and have a full life without that. Putting yourself out there is very brave. I’ve had my heart broken so many times that I’ve said I’ll never try again.
Runcible Spoon
You ARE brave!
Anon
Thanks but I’ve been dating since I was 16 and the last thing I need to advice from married people.
Anonymous
This!
Anon
Which is fine if you want to be single. But I think the question was about how to meet someone to marry.
I think being single is a perfectly fine choice! But it wasn’t what yesterday’s OP wanted.
Anonymous
Unclear how this smug nonsense helps anyone
Anon
Agree with this. Also, if you’re an introvert like me, plan for shorter and more casual dates (coffee, a drink) rather than a full blown thing. And if you don’t hit it off with someone during that, you can move on.
Anon
… does anyone plan a first date that’s more than coffee or a drink? I certainly never have been on one!
Anon
I’ve read arguments that doing something interesting and fun on a first date is a lot better for assessing compatibility than yet another boring coffee date .
Anon
I was last dating 15 years ago and the apps weren’t as widespread but dinner was still pretty standard as a first date.
Anon
Wow dinner is such a big commitment (time and financial)
Anonymous
My last first date (bc we’ve been dating for 2+ years) was a drink at his apartment, a long walk to a game bar, drinks and dinner and games, another late night spot, and a long walk back to his apartment. Nothing physical, but we actually got to know each other. But we initially met in person and then texted and talked on the phone for a while before. A throwback to better dating times.
Anon
I’m not arguing that yes, in order to find someone you need to date a lot. I do think that 2-3 first dates is a LOT for people. Dating isn’t free. Dating requires a time commitment. Dating can mess with you emotionally. In the worst of situations, dating can be dangerous.
I date, and would love to find a husband, but I date probably 2 new guys a month, if that. Honestly, I work 50+ hours a week, I am training for a marathon, volunteer weekly as a rowing coach (and row on my own when I have time), and I have a great social life. To date more than I do would mean making a pretty big change in my life, and I am not willing to do that. I hope that my ~2 dates a month will work out for me. Its important to me that I don’t put all of my energy into looking for a man but rather that I love the life I have while I’m looking for a man. Life is too short to put other things that bring me joy on hold.
Anon
It’s great that you’re busy and happy. But if you were to meet someone, how would you make room for him in your life? Investing that time in dating is sort of setting that time aside for your future SO. You can’t really sustain a relationship if you can’t give a partner any of your time.
Anonymous
Should I also clear out a drawer for him now? Never accept a date for a Friday after Wednesday? This advice is so dated
Anon
To me there’s a HUGE difference between making that change for someone who is real and exists (I want to make the change, I presumably would rather spend time with this person than do other things I currently do now, maybe this person shares some of these hobbies with me, this person could join me in my social life) and cutting out things I enjoy for someone who doesn’t exist (and dates are often not enjoyable, unlike spending time with a partner would be).
Also, in the past when I’ve had a boyfriend I might do something immediately after work and then meet up with him later. Like great, I’ll row or grab a drink with a friend or run and then we’ll grab a late dinner or I’ll come spend the night at your place or we’ll watch TV from 9-11 PM together. Frankly, those things aren’t happening on a first or second date! I do not garden early on, so I try to avoid later night activities to avoid giving the wrong impression.
Anonymous
Yeah I’m not clearing my life of wonderful interesting things to make space for a nonexistent man
Anon
Half of the advice for dating is to get out there and do things and meet people and then half of it is to clear you calendar so you can go on dates!
I’m on team “fit dating into an already full life”.
Anon
This is a weird take. I wasn’t dating at all when I met my now husband (IRL, not on the apps). We had a lot of common interests so we immediately just switched from doing those activities on our own to doing them together and spent most of our free time together from day one (and still do, 15 years later). It really wasn’t a problem to figure out once the right person came along.
Anon
this reminds me of a friend who didn’t get a cat because what if she meets someone who is allergic to cats / already has a cat and the cats don’t get along / doesn’t like cats? I’m like girlfriend, you’re 33 and talk about being lonely. If you want a cat get the cat!!! Don’t put off getting a cat (which would bring you joy in the present) because of a hypothetical man who may or may not want a cat (which might happen in the future, but isn’t guaranteed)
Anon
Okay but if I don’t find a partner, then its important to have a community of loved ones and therefore I also need to keep investing in my friendships.
anon
Is this really so difficult to understand?
You can’t grasp the differences in time commitments and energy commitments between going on multiple dates with people you barely know and a partner? I mean, really? Dates require after work travel, much more energy, much more emotional labor, investment into appearance, and get in the way of all sorts of other things (gym, friends, pet care, work, eating healthy). It is so much easier to simply head to your shared home and cook a healthy dinner together, and relax. You have date nights on weekends. You hang out with some of your friends together. You spend quality time in the mornings, or late at nights, or at the grocery store– in ways you can’t when you’re just starting to date someone. You’re rejuvenated by spending time with your partner, mostly (I hope). Not exhausted. Not creeped out. Not let down. Not disappointed.
But yes, partners take time. My partner is worth my significant time investment. A rando from an app is not. He’s worth just a bit of time, but he and his fellow randos were not worth throwing my weekly schedule into disarray to meet them throughout the week and all the effort it took to line up those dates.
What a weird thing to say. Just stop.
Anon
This. This. This.
Not it
I cleaned out half my closet and drawers for a man that didn’t come!
Anon
In my single days I did the math, and on average for every six guys I went out with there was one I’d consider a second date with. If I continued going on 2 dates per month it would take 3 months to find someone I’m remotely interested in. A second date rarely translates to a relationship so I had to suck it up and get out there more often.
For those who aren’t willing to put in the work to increase their odds, remember the definition of insanity…
Anonymous
And also add in the thing no one seems to want to admit–there are a lot more single people looking to be partnered when you’re younger (both for females and males). If you don’t put in the effort, it’s not a static environment. It starts getting harder. It’s just the reality. Your competing commitments also look a lot different. I had a lot less pressure on my time when I was a manager versus now being a VP. My aging parents take more of my time. My plans with friends are a lot firmer because I’m juggling the realities of them having kids and less flexibility. Physically, I’ve had some health issues that make it harder to have the energy to go out on weeknights. I’m 50, and I would have prioritized my early 30s differently if I had stopped to look at the bigger picture.
Anon
Good points.
Anon
I’m in a big city, and honestly, I don’t get enough matches to even have the option for 2-3 dates a week! I’m conventionally attractive and not terribly selective on my swiping (no arbitrary automatic no’s). Or, I have enough matches but there are plenty of guys with whom there is no conversation or a bad conversation so we don’t get to the point of wanting to get drinks.
FWIW, I prescribe to get “get off the apps and meet IRL as soon as possible” and still, so many men suck so much at chatting we can’t even get to that point.
Anonymous
Same. I hate this advice. I’m sorry but I’m smart I’m pretty I’m funny I’m employed I have friends I have hobbies. I have never. Not once. Had remotely close to 2/3 men a week every week interested in dating me at all and then if I weed out men I have zero interest in? Maybe one every 6 months.
Anon
I think this sounds like you need to update your profile.
Anonymous
heaven forbid we give single ladies some credit for intelligence and assume that they’ve done that
Anon
I start to see the problem….
Anon
I am active on Hinge. In any given week, I get about 10 guys who “like” me. I “like” probably oh I don’t know, 3-8 of them in return. I also “like” several guys who don’t like me in return, and some who do. Then you match. Some I chat with, some we don’t even get a conversation going. Of the ones I chat with, it falls off or he says something that makes me no longer interested in over 50% of them. Then, there are a few guys I’m still chatting with, but I’m probably only interested in one of them, if its a good week.
FWIW, 29, pretty, interesting / good job, lots of friends, very social, lots of hobbies. I’m a catch, but the apps aren’t great.
NaoNao
This can be a bit unpopular/controversial but I notice women often highlight aspects of their personality or life that men couldn’t care less about (hobbies, jobs, friends, travel, experiences, their pets, owning a home/car/property, degrees, being funny, being smart –to a point). I’m not saying marry/date a man who is shallow! I’m not saying marry a man who treats you like an object! Many women highlight the things THEY care about in a man and are confused when they can’t get the right matches or dates. If you are not having success despite being a “catch” this *could* be the issue. Could be!
Hear me out: to *hook* men’s attention, you need to dangle the right lure so to speak.
Most men *do* care about having a funny, active, engaged and employed women. After they approach that women because he’s attracted to her. The number one thing they care about first is looks/being attracted. I would honestly keep the bio really short and sweet with maybe a “prompt” or question and let the pictures speak for themselves. Something that’s a little challenging, like “Got a favorite secret spot in town you think I haven’t found? Try me!” or similar. This is an easy filter too for men that read the bio vs. just swipe and say “hi” or whatever.
If you do want to highlight something, focus on what *being in a relationship with you will be like*, paint a picture. “I love lazy sunny Sundays, finding new places to try [fave food], cuddling up in chilly weather next to a fireplace sipping bourbon, and beating you at Scrabble!”
Your degree, jobs, etc don’t really factor into picture that unless it’s “I’m financially stable” which is sort of a given to be honest. But if it’s really key for *you* work it in “A typical Saturday finds me studying for the bar before hitting brunch at…”
That’s really my 2 cents. I’m married and honestly I used that strategy while on the apps and it did work (along with “burned haystack” style pickiness).
Anon
+1 most of my friends are conventionally attractive, interesting and successful and none of them ever had enough interest for 2-3 dates per week. One per week if they were lucky, it could be as little as one a month.
Anon
The best advice I ever got was from a male acquaintance: don’t expect a good conversation on the app. Exchange one or two messages then ask them out. Comment on a photo of theirs, and if they respond with a complete sentence then suggest you get drinks to hear more about it.
Anonymous
But how many apps are you on? Part one treating it like a job is doing all the apps AND going to places where you might meet guys AND chatting up random strangers.
Online chatting is just to weed out the freaks – and an early phone call is even better yet. Then a first date to see if you want to F him.
Anon
I’m sorry but no one should have to treat it as a job.
Anonymous
I agree though. It is like a job—it’s putting in the work to up chances. Reality is there’s a numbers game component. Doing nothing is fine—but you’re not going to meet nearly the same number of people, thus upping success potential.
Anon
This was the approach I took after reading similar advice here years ago. For me, it was more like 1 date a week. Maybe 2. And I didn’t maintain that volume consistently. Dating is a numbers game, though, and I finally “won”. I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be married if I hadn’t gotten really serious about trying to date a lot.
Anon
1-2 is a great amount! I should’ve said that since it’s more approachable and realistic.
Anonymous
Hahahahah go jump in a puddle of mud this is the smuggest nonsense I’ve ever read
Anonymous
Maybe you’re just covered with green scales beneath your clothes
To Anonymous at 5:56
Lots of nasty and cruel comments on this board lately rejoicing in kicking someone who’s down, but this is one of the worst. Here you have an entire thread of single women telling you about an experience that is painful and vulnerable and wrenching and raw and, yes, out of their control – and your response is to call them jealous?? What an ugly look for you, Anon at 5:56.
Anonymous
Yeah I don’t get it. Why must we not only try to fix people with bad advice but also call them ugly
Anonymous
To 6:18 – it’s a quote
https://youtu.be/6vmin2mik6E
Anonymous
To you: and?
Anon at 6:18
Respectfully, it’s a misquote (no “green”) of a movie that was popular decades ago. In that context I understand your comment and that you meant something different than the sentiment I was reacting negatively to. But I think my read of your first comment was fair.
Anon
One of the many things I dislike about the newer focus on online dating is how much of a commitment it is for something that might not work out. I have two kids in their 20s who live at home and its baffling to me the differences in their dating vs mine.
Back when I was dating, it was pretty much impossible to consistently date 2-3 new people a week because you had to actually know someone to ask them out or be set up; the dating pool was much smaller. Sometimes I would go out with a guy I hardly knew or get set up on a blind date, but usually it was a guy I’d met a few times before so I at least knew we could hold a conversation over a beer together. Or if the conversation was really bad, at least we had something mutual to chat about (growing up in this town, the fact that we both know my friend Susan, we both went to State U, whatever it was). My kids come home telling stories of going out with someone from the apps and how frequently its someone they really don’t click with. Some conversations are like pulling teeth, some are just so dull, some are rude. But they don’t know that before.
It’s also a time suck to go out this much. I remember that I mentally reserved Thursday nights for dates, but I often didn’t have a date unless I was seeing someone (in which case, I was also seeing them more than Thursday). So, you’re making time in your schedule to go out 2-3x a week, which is a lot! My daughter works full time while taking graduate classes, so in her rare free time she likes to see friends, but then worries that she should be dating. My son dates more than my daughter, but often he has to cancel other plans (whether its hanging with friends, going to the gym, playing in his basketball league, whatever) to date. He said it is a bummer when you have a mediocre or bad date knowing you canceled more fun plans to go on a date!
Finally, it’s expensive. My son says he always insists on paying for the first date, my daughter says she tries to insist on going dutch, unless the guy is really committed to paying. Let’s say you go out for 2 drinks and you pay the whole thing; that’s roughly $40 including tip. If you do that 3x a week, that’s $120 a week just on dating! If you go dutch, that’s $60. So, for a guy paying for everything that’s nearly $500 a month. That’s absurd. Even splitting things, that’s nearly $250, which is more than my monthly eating out budget!
Anon
Right! My thought on 2-3 dates a week was “in this economy?”
I always offer to split the bill, and a guy takes me up on that maybe half of the time? I prefer to split the bill, especially when I dont plan on seeing the guy again. But, I have better uses for my money than spending hundreds of dollars a month on dating!
Anon
Its a lot of money, but also – if dating doesn’t pan out and I am alone forever – that money would be better spent in my Roth or a downpayment fund or an HSA since I won’t have a partner to split expenses with.
Anonymous
I thought about that the other day. If someone could’ve just told 16 year old me I’d end up alone, I could’ve saved so much money on fake nails in the 90s, beauty products, hair stylists, bikini waxes in the 2000s, and dating. I could’ve retired by now…
Anon
Stop splitting the bill. Let the guy buy you a drink. It won’t kill feminism.
Ginger
I have 2 kids in their 20’s, too. DD, 28, met a nice guy online about a year ago and they are planning on moving in together. I have no idea what DS, 24, is doing, but last weekend we took him and couple of his friends out for dinner and topic of dating came up. DH said they should go old school: alcohol and poor judgment i.e. bars, since that’s how he met me ha ha.
Anon
Ha ha! My husband has said the same thing to our son!
He (26) and his friends say they actually get more dates from women they chat up in bars than women they meet on the apps. All 3 of my son’s ex girlfriends are women he met in real life (college, summer job, and at a bar).
My daughter (29) says it’s rare that men talk to her and her friends in bars and if they do they’re either sleazy or so, so drunk (and one was married!). Her friends are either dating guys they met in real life (college or friends of friends) or the apps.
Anon
It makes uneasy to think that people are profiting off how hard this all is!
Anon
… there’s no guarantee you find your person in a year. You know that right?
Anonymous
And people opting out likely did this already! We are opting out because it didn’t work.
Anon
In my single days I did the math, and on average for every six guys I went out with there was one I’d consider a second date with. If I continued going on 2 dates per month it would take 3 months to find someone I’m remotely interested in. A second date rarely turns into a relationship so I had to suck it up and get out there more often.
For those who aren’t willing to put in the work to increase their odds, remember the definition of insanity…
UGH
“it’s only a year or so of having to date before you find your person!”
Are… are you really telling us it’s guaranteed? Come ON. You cannot make this guarantee and you know it. If you don’t I have a bridge to sell you.
I’m not even single anymore but I found dating to be very exhausting. There’s no way I could have done 2-3 dates a week. I discussed my desire to be in a relationship and frustration with not finding one extensively in therapy and one of the things we discussed over and over again was that it is NOT guaranteed. Dating is like little else in our lives where we can just work hard at it and expect results. Yes, it takes work. But no, work isn’t enough.
This is factually false and reeks of blaming women. Just no.
Kitty
“I just want to find my person” is something a dog would say. Probably why I only have a dog though …
Anon
I love the conflicting advice of single women should have rich, fulfilling lives so it’s okay if they don’t find a partner but also that you need to clear your calendar to go on 2-3 dates a week in order to find a man. But also, join clubs and do activities so you can meet a man! But also, you need to be free and not committed to clubs or activities so you can go on dates with men!
JFC, give it a break.
I wonder what advice the single men are getting. I guarantee you no one is telling my male friends they’re spending too much time playing rec sports or going out to go on dates.
Anon
Don’t forget “it’ll happen when you least expect it” or “it’ll happen when you stop looking”.
Anonymous
What about following the advice if you’re lost in the woods. Maybe if I had stayed in the one spot, he would’ve found me? I was too busy dating 2-3 times a week and going to club sports and meditation retreats and networking events.
anon
And def don’t forget the most important one of all – “you have to love yourself, first!”
I just love when people imply that single women want to find partners because they don’t love themselves, and/or can’t find them because they’re just so full of self-loathing.
Warms my heart.
Fired
My therapist basically told me a couple months ago that I was done. Going to every 6 months. ”She’s like you have had bad luck. I need to feel these spots with people who need real help, not just wanting to vent. We have done so much work but you’re doing so well.” Okay so why didn’t it work?*Hugs self*
Anonymous
This and for those of us in our 40s who’ve tried all of this and no one can explain to me what I did wrong? I’ve accepted the life. I have to make a new bucket list but I’ve accepted the no kids thing as a pretty tough pill.
Anonymous
I don’t see the value of the dating apps. What kind of man are you going to find there? Just the ones looking for hookups. You find a man looking to date seriously in real life.
Anon
Where. Please tell me where!
NaoNao
Church. Honestly. Volunteer work, special interest groups and societies, male dominated hobbies–if you are deadly serious, go to a D&D card store during game night. Or your relative’s house during a big party, work, friends’ house–anywhere the men are “vetted” to a degree.
Anon
I mean there’s one app that has a reputation for hookups. The rest seem to be a mix.
My friends are getting married in 2 weeks. He was on the apps looking for a serious relationship for years. Years.
Anon
Uh. Everyone I know prefers to meet men in real life but it’s easier said than done. Hence the apps.
Anon
Thanks for this valuable contribution, mee-maw!
Anon
Hahah. But seriously my grandmother is more progressive than this! And I’m not young.
Anonymous
You need to catch up with the times:
“37% of U.S. adults have used an online dating site or app at some time in their lives”
“ Among those who have used an online dating site or app, 39% say that in general they were looking for a relationship that was both serious and casual; 41% were looking were generally looking for a serious relationship (only), while 20% were looking for a casual relationship (only). Users aged 18-29 (32%) are less likely than those aged 30 or over to say they were generally looking only for a serious relationship. Among users, women were more likely than men to be looking only for a serious relationship (46% to 36%) and less likely to say they were looking for both a serious and a casual relationship (32% to 47%).”
https://ssrs.com/insights/the-public-and-online-dating-in-2024/#:~:text=More%20than%20four%20in%20ten,users%20report%20such%20an%20experience.
Anon
I’m 30. Large circle of friends, I’d say my friends are probably 50/50 they are single and dating to varying degrees or in a serious relationship.
Of my friends in serious relationships, four met their partner on the apps. Four. One is married, one is engaged, and the other two live with their partner. I’ve been to approximately 20 weddings in the last few years, meaning that roughly 19 couples I know met their spouse in real life (plus the several other couples I know who aren’t married).
I think the apps are a load of BS
Anon
Sort of related, I was very surprised yesterday to see someone say most people get married to their college partners and it’s harder to find someone if you don’t do that. Maybe this is generational or regional, but I thought this was pretty rare in high-achieving/high socio-economic status circles where many people go to grad or professional school and move around the country chasing job opportunities. I’m 39 and none of my close friends stayed with our college BFs. All of us met our spouses in our mid-20s to early 30s, a mix of online dating and meeting in person (work, bars, mutual friends, etc). I have a few acquaintances from college who married their college partners, but honestly, really not that many!
(In my small Midwest hometown where no one ever moves away, it’s very different and most people marry college or even high school sweethearts, but that’s not the average reader here.)
Anon
Yeah, agree. A small % of my circle are married to someone they met in college. I did, though. And it was a mistake. Then I was a young divorcee, and met my husband on an app.
Anon
Interesting! I went to a top 30 college and I’d guess of my friends who are married met their partners in college. Some were dating in college, some just were friends or acquaintances in college and started dating later.
My college BF is now married to a sorority sister of mine.
Anon
Sometimes it’s nice to move around the country chasing job opportunities with someone. That’s how it worked for some of the couples I know who met in high school, college, or grad school.
Anon
For sure. And sometimes people use a move as an excuse to end a relationship they don’t want to stay in anyway (I did!). I’m just surprised because I really know very few people married to their college BF-GF. Out of probably 100+ friends and acquaintances I can think of from college, less than 10 are married to people they knew in college and in several of those cases the couple was just friends in college and didn’t begin dating until later.
Anon
I’m in my early 40s and went to an Ivy. A surprisingly high number of my college friends are married to someone from our college, though not always the person they dated in college, usually they got together with the last year or started dating right after graduation. I also have several high school friends married to people from high school. Most of the rest of my friends married people they met in graduate or professional school in their mid twenties to early thirties or while working during that time period. Being a poor student was conducive to meeting people because everyone had lots of roommates and friends of friends. There was one year in grad school that I lived with 4 other students and we all ended up meeting our future spouses within months of each other.
Anon
Yup this was my experience exactly – from college graduation to mid-late 20s so many people lived in houses with several roommates and so you got to know your friends’ roommates and their friend group and your circle just greatly expanded. My two closest friends and I met our husbands this way.
Anonymous
I live in the SEUS and pretty much everyone I know met their spouse in college. My husband and I are from big cities in the Northeast and West respectively, and no one of our generation in those places marries nearly that early. I was practically considered a child bride for marrying at 25.
Been There
I found my last relationship with the approach of online dating like it was my job–I averaged 1 to 2 dates a week and eventually found someone I had a long term relationship. Lately I have been following date coaches that encourage women to be more selective so that you have fewer but better quality dates. I really like Lilly Womble’s approach (she has a podcast, book, instagram & tik toc presence). Her perspective is you are for the few and not for the many and she has a feminist lens. If I decide to date again, that is the approach I’m going to use. I agree with not spending too much time texting in advance but I think you have to do some prequalification.
Anon
Why are some of y’all so invested in this advice that you bring it up the next day and then berate the people who disagree with it?
People can take different approaches to life’s issues. It’s okay not to want to invest so much into random men that you can’t live your life the way you would be satisfied with, even if this year-long period doesn’t pan out. Your way is not the only one.
Seam
Staying in Venice Beach condo for a conference (elsewhere) in LA this weekend. Any musts for food? We are about 15 min walk from the beach.
Anonymous
Brunch at Gjelina is a classic, or any meal there.
Anon Pls
Grab a burger at The Win-Dow in Venice for a quick bite. Would also recommend a meal at the Marina at Kazunori or Uovo for something chill with nice scenery. If you’re willing to travel and a meat eater, go to K-town for Korean BBQ at Park’s or Quarters. A friend from Houston insists on going to Park’s every time he visits LA.
Seventh Sister
Hatchet Hall isn’t that far from Venice if you willing to take a rideshare. Casa Del Mar or Shutters for cocktails.
Park’s is so fun, very classic.
Seventh Sister
Also in Venice – La Cabana is a very fun old-school Mexican restaurant (homemade tortillas, great margaritas, etc.).
Anon
I got my younger sister a fun and cute jacket from Toad & Co last fall for her birthday and was looking for another fun but casual jacket this year. Any thoughts?
Moose
The Kit has some great ones.