Tuesday’s TPS Report: Wool Color Block Cap Sleeve Dress

232 Comments

1. Ladies, a few days ago there was a picture of Joe Biden with his hands on mrs carter’s shoulders, practically inhaling her hair. To me, that was shocking, but I wondered what reactions were like in the US. Is this seen as acceptable or non news worthy as it is “par for the course” for older, powerful men to behave like this?

   1. It seems like he’s regarded as the crazy old uncle who is Like That.

   2. I haven’t followed the whole thing but my understanding is he didn’t just stand their hanging out w/ his arms around her. He grabbed her shoulders, whispered in her ear and then put his hands back down. One pic is taken as he is leaning in or out that looks like he is just standing like that.

      I generally don’t like people that much in my personal space but it also depends on who they are and how well I know them. I also recognize that sometimes we have to whisper something and we have to get closer than normal to do that. Whether this was necessary or not depends on what he was telling her. For example, if I was at a busy networking event and someone grabbed me and whispered “your fly is down” I’d be grateful. If they grabbed me and said “you look great tonight” I’d be creeped the F out.

      The picture certainly looks creepy though.

   3. He was whispering in her ear not fondling her. I think it’s par for the course for humans who are friendly with each other to occasionally make physical contact.

2. It looks white and gold to me.

   Sorry, I had to! Seriously, though–it looks like a Star trek costume. Not a fan.

   1. Haha. I walked into work a few days ago feeling really cute and like I had put together a good professional but nice-looking outfit, and one of my coworkers told me I looked like I was wearing a Start Trek uniform. *sigh*

      1. Nothing wrong with a Star Trek uniform unless you constantly have to pull the top down ;-)

         1. +1

   2. I love it.

      1. I bought it this weekend… LOVE it :)

   3. LOL! #thedresspartdeux

   4. Literally my first thought.

3. Do any of you decide to buy two of a clothing item (in the same color or otherwise) when you find something you really love? I have the perfect pair of nude flats which are a little harder for me to find since I have darker skin (and then there are the general problems with finding great flats), and I see they’re still on sale for 25% off (which is what I bought them for, and I’m thinking of getting another pair also in nude, although I could also do something like black. I don’t like having too much stuff or shopping, so the idea of buying duplicates is kind of weird to me. What do you all do on this front?

   1. For things like shoes, that will wear out over time and especially if I’ve found something that I like and will wear a lot, I will buy a duplicate of something. If it’s a relatively seasonless and timeless piece (like nude flats), I wouldn’t hesitate to buy another pair.

   2. I have a strong aversion to “stuff” but if it’s a piece of clothing or shoes i wear all the time i absolutely buy duplicates.

   3. I don’t do this very often, but I will for certain “unicorn” pieces (the perfect nude flats being one!). If this is a hard piece for you to find and it’s something you consider a wardrobe staple, there’s nothing wrong with stocking up. (Heck, if I were you, I’d probably buy a second pair of the nude flats and a pair in black – even black flats that are comfortable and look good and fit properly are harder to find than they should be.)

   4. Definitely. I have 3 pairs of my favorite pair of jeans (although 1 is on its last legs now). I actually only have 2 hemmed and am “saving” the last one. They’re sort of difficult to find in my size (Rag and Bone Cigarette jean in Heritage), so I bought 2 a few months ago. I also have 2 pairs of my favorite nude pumps…well, technically I have 4 pairs of my favorite pumps, just 2 in nude, 1 brown, 1 black. :) If it’s something that’s difficult to find elsewhere, I definitely buy duplicates.

   5. Yes. I have no issues buying duplicates of closet workhorses. Once I find a style/cut that fits me, I may buy it in multiple colors as well.

   6. Yes! I definitely buy duplicates – and it’s because I hate shopping. once I find something that really works for me, it makes sense to buy several.

      Also, I’ve noticed my favorite stores have runs where either I love everything in the store, or hate everything. I try to recognize those “love everything” moments and stock up then. I know this makes me sound like a packrat, but I’m really not – my closet is not all that full.

   7. I buy duplicates of things I really love- usually if I’ve worn it every week all season I’ll try to pick up another. But never duplicates of things that just seem practical and dependable.

   8. I only buy duplicates of things I love, not just in terms of style/fit but in terms of how it fits into my wardrobe, how it wears, etc. My challenge is that often by the time I figure out that I love something it’s no longer available in stores.

   9. I think it is ok for non-memorable pieces that would be workhorses in your wardrobe.
      I did this for black pants and for an off-white silk shirt.
      I wore down both pairs of pants and ended up having a permanent stain on one of my shirts, so I wear the spotless one alone and use the stained one for layering.

   10. Absolutely. A lot of my work wardrobe is duplicates in different colors. I buy plainer stuff that’s classic. Doesn’t really matter if I own two pencil skirts–one black and one navy–if they both fit me well.

   11. When I first started working, I bought several Calvin Klein suits in different colors but the same cut, including matching dresses. At the time, I was worried this was weird. They have been the best thing I’ve ever bought. I tried to “upgrade” and found I hated the other things and they wore out quickly, and now I just am constantly refreshing my stock of Calvin Klein suits in various colors and fabrics, and normally have the same basic suit in Navy, Black, and Charcoal. No shame, they fit, look good, I feel good in them, and they last forever.

   12. Yes! If they’re perfect, by all means duplicate. I have two pair of the exact same jeans and I have more items than I can count in same style, different color.

   13. All the time. For everything. It’s so hard to find the perfect thing so I routinely do this. I think the different colors and patterns keeps it from being obvious and it makes mixing/matching easy.

   14. Definitely! When I find something basic that works perfectly, I will buy duplicates to include in my current wardrobe. I currently have five pairs of the same pants, three in the same color, some hemmed for flats and some for heels, hanging in my closet. When an item I love is classic enough that I don’t think it is about to go out of style, I will often watch for a sale so I can buy a backup and put it away until the original wears out. I recently did this with my favorite pair of nude flats, since it is so hard to find shoes that actually fit, look good, and are comfortable.

   15. I definitely buy duplicates when something comes in multiple colors. I’m trying to get myself out of the habit of doing it so much though, because buying duplicates all at the same time means it all wears out at the same time, and it can contribute to the “I have nothing to wear, my closet is so boring” syndrome after wearing the same shirt in 4 different colors over and over.

       However, I’m now debating buying multiples and stocking up on my favorite pants. I just managed to buy a pair to replace ones that were wearing through, and I’m wondering if I should buy another pair, since they are Jones New York, which is going under. I’m hoping my new exercise routine will help me drop a size, so I don’t want to stock up too much, especially since they aren’t really on much of a sale – but I hate the idea of having to rush out and find a new brand and style when these pairs give up the ghost.

       What was the name of the services people used to stalk sales on specific items? I’d like to set up something so that if they hit a low enough point I’ll buy them, or buy them in a different color.

       1. not sure if this is the same one you’re referencing, but I use shoppingnotes or myshoppingnotes dot com. it’s blocked at work right now.

   16. By buying two pairs of the flats you can actually prolong their life. Instead of keeping one pair boxed up, I’d encourage you to wear both, thereby letting them air out between uses.

   17. If I find a t-shirt or blouse I really like I might buy several but not the same color. I often think ” if only I had bought two of these” when things wear out, but I also have many things I never wear, and I am afraid of buying something wrong

   18. I’ve done it and never regretted it. I’ve not bought duplicates, and have regretted it. For things I love, love, LOVE that won’t go out of style before I’ve worn out the first item. I often buy a second one (e.g. jeans, running shoes, running tights/pants, black work pants) when I’m sure it will be used.

   19. I have 4 of the same style blazer (navy, white, black-and-white check, and gray suit jacket) that are all the exact same style. The style looks good on me and makes me feel good.

   20. Absolutely – especially with shoes. Also, sometimes it’s like buying insurance – for example, I’ve tucked away extra pairs of favorite earrings so I don’t fret over losing them.

4. Has anyone ever completely switched legal practice areas after 2 years of practice? I’m a Biglaw litigation associate, and might have an opportunity at a small T&E firm in my town that would offer much better hours. T&E was far and away my favorite subject in law school, and I’ve kind of regretted going the biglaw route instead. Is it completely crazy to consider this switch? For what it’s worth, I’m debt-free with a good amount saved up, so the lower salary isn’t a problem.

   1. Do it! I switched from lit to transactional after 4 yrs and it’s frustrating to be the newbie again, but career change is good. And you’ll find that your lit background gives you a valuable perspective. If you don’t do it now, you’ll regret not having tried it. It gets harder and harder to make the switch.

      1. Ditto! I made the switch after 3 years (to BigLaw, non litigation)

   2. Do it do it do it. I’ve been trying to break into T&E for years and have just recently given it up as a pipe dream. I’m totes jelly.

      1. To obtain some experience, your jurisdiction may have a pro bono program drafting wills for veterans.

   3. If the opportunity is there, definitely pursue it. I was a clerk, then took a transactional position at a large firm, then switched to litigation (same firm) after about a year and a half when I concluded that I wasn’t cut out to be a transactional attorney. I’m happier now, even though it’s frustrating to feel like I’m behind the curve for my class year.

   4. Can I ask where you’re located?

   5. Can I ask where you’re located?

   6. Two years is the sweet spot and possibly the last time you can easily do this. You like the area, no brainer – do it.

5. Yay Kat! I love this Color Block dress as well as Brook’s Brother’s. I also perfer Cap Sleeve’s so that Frank can NOT peek thru at my boobie’s. FOOEY on Frank for peeking! I think I will go have a look on my way home to see if they have any of these in stock.

   Myrna told me that there is a guy she work’s with who want’s to meet me. I asked her if he was interested in getting MARRIED, and she thought mabye. So I said that I would meet him tonite, b/c I realy dont have to much time now that I am goieng to be 34 THIS month! FOOEY! I need to get pregenant THIS year so that I can start haveing babies b/f I am 35 b/c my egg’s are goeing stale. DOUBEL FOOEY!

   Alan Sheketovits mother called me AGAIN about dateing Alan all over again, and I said NO b/c I was not comforteable with him personaly after he used me just for sex. She seemed surprised that Alan would do those thing’s b/c she alway’s thought he was shy. I said NOT REALY, b/c he got very familiar with me VERY fast once we started dateing, and he virtueally moved into my apartement full time after he started sleepeing with me. She did NOT know any of this, and I think she now think’s that it was ME that was initieally pusheing for the sex when in fact it was Alan that first started in with the grabbey sexueal behavior, followed by everything else he wound up tryeing to do with me. I realy dont know why I let him get away with what he did–I guess it was b/c I thought he would be a sucess, but he turned out to be a drunk that just wanted to have sex all the time, and he did NOT care one iota about me and MY need’s. I realy got sick of this after a while, and it is a good thing that I finally said NO MASS and threw him out. I feel MUCH better now about myself, but I let alot of time go by with HIM and did NOT see any other men for along time.

   Any way, we shall see what this new guy is up to and wether he will be interested in MARRYING me! YAY!

6. How do you all compliment or otherwise build up your SO? Apparently DH feels like I’ve sort of been tearing him down lately (although we both know that this dynamic in our relationship has become mutual), and obviously I want him to feel like I think he’s special. I say the words when I mean them and I try to compliment him on the things he appears to care most about (being smart, having a ton of potential), but I think he really wants to feel that I mean it. Of course I do, but I’m looking for other ways to show this rather than just saying the words, which of course I will continue to do. So what do you all do to make your SO feel good about him/herself?

   1. um … just be normal. I don’t have to find things to make my SO feel good about himself. I compliment when appropriate and natural to do so.

      However, over the years I have learned to be less critical and to “pick my battles,” which I think goes a long way.

      1. So I think part of the issue here is that he wants to feel like I value him for very particular things. For example, being super smart. Which I do. But per mascot’s comment below, his love language is service. He likes it when I do nice things for him, like cook, or clean the apartment or whatever. How do I use that to make him feel like I think he’s brilliant and going places in life?I can tell him that, express that I’m impressed when it comes up, and I can ask him for his opinion/advice on things. I don’t know what else to do here, esp. because my “love language” isn’t service.

         Thanks for the picking battles advice. I should be better about that.

         1. Ask his advice on things (and then follow it) you would value his input on?

         2. What do you pick your battles over now? Are you arguing all the time? Do you roll your eyes or belittle him for not knowing how to do something around the house, for example?

            Also, is he unhappy in his work life? It sounds like he needs validation from you that may be connected to his work not appreciating him, but ALSO that you may dismiss his ideas or tell him he’s doing things wrong, which leads him to think that you don’t think he’s intelligent.

            1. We don’t argue all that much, but he is very unhappy in his work life and feels very undervalued. I think it’s complicated a little by the fact that I’m doing extremely well and I think he needs to feel like I don’t think he’s less than me. Which I don’t, but I don’t know how to show that. I know how to tell him nice things, which I have been too lax in doing. I’m starting to do that a lot more now, ut it doesn’t fix the disconnect over the love languages part.

            2. What is he good at outside of work? Unless you work with him, you can’t really make him feel valued in the workplace. Is he a great cook? Does he always take care of some household task that you can’t/don’t want to do? Is he good at planning vacations? I think giving praise/appreciation for the little things that affect your life together does more for self- worth than talking about great potential. Because its frustrating to hear what great potential you have when you aren’t feeling it. It just becomes another way you think you are letting someone down.

         3. Maybe say something nice if he worked late, like “I’m proud of how hard you worked today” and offer to treat to dinner? Or when he talks about his day, pick something to point out that it was a good idea?

            1. This is on the right track, but the offer to treat to dinner is off: If he’s feeling undervalued at work, there’s probably an earnings differential at play here. Treating to dinner as a reward will just emphasize that she’s earning more than he is, if that’s the case.

               If I’m reading you correctly, OP, then you can be sweet and supportive, but some of it is really on him. Definitely stop criticizing him, even if he’s still doing it to you. Hopefully your unilateral disarmament will make him change his behavior, too. But if he’s feeling undervalued at work in comparison to you, then really, he’s got to stop comparing himself to you. You can emphasize that you’re a team, which has nothing to do with work, but he’s got to get there mentally.

            2. Good point, NYNY. I was trying to think of a way to tie it to service, but treating may not be the way.

   2. Have you taken the 5 love languages quiz with each other? That helped us understand each other’s communication preferences for showing affection. My husband, for example, values physical touch. So being physically connected to him with hugs, or holding hands or whatever makes him feel loved without my having to use all sorts of words or gifts.

      1. +1 This sounds like a love language issue to me.

   3. I’m actually working on this right now, although we don’t have a tearing-each-other-down dynamic. It turns out my boyfriend is really appreciative of words and verbal compliments, and I’m not the best in that department, so I’m trying to up my game. What I’ve been doing so far is making an effort to verbalize all of the things that I would usually think, but not say. Like if we’re just sitting on the couch watching Netflix, where I would normally think to myself, “I love that we can have a great time doing stuff but also sitting around in sweatpants watching New Girl,” I make myself translate that into Actual Words That I Tell Him. Or if he’s making dinner, “I really appreciate that you’re so good at cooking/take the time to do it for me/are willing to try new stuff that you haven’t had before just because you know I like it.”

      I’m not quite sure that addresses your question, though? Since I just re-read it and it looks like you want some non-verbal suggestions. Um. I make an effort to do stuff that my boyfriend likes and wants to do, even if it isn’t necessarily what I would pick? I initiate LGPs frequently? One time I baked him a pie instead of buying it, since I know he appreciates when I put time and effort into stuff like that instead of throwing money at it?

      Have you tried straight-up asking your SO what you can do to make him feel more appreciated? This might be a good time for the Love Languages, which IMO are a useful framing device for stuff like this.

   4. It doesn’t sound like you mean it. Stop criticizing. Full stop. For at least 2 weeks. Bring him coffee in bed. Suggest doing things you know he likes. Take care of a chore for him. Not because you’re a wife and it’s your duty but because you love this person and when they say that isn’t coming across, you do everything you can to show it.

      Your response about him wanting to feel smarter a) doesn’t address why you’re tearing him down and b) makes it sound like the real issue is insecurity. Is he insecure because you don’t like him very much right now?

      1. Yes, stop criticizing. It’s destructive and doesn’t do any good. Look at it this way: Is there any possibility in the world that he’s not aware of the things you’re criticizing him about? Of course not. He knows what bugs you, he knows his flaws, he knows all that. You don’t need to constantly be reminding him of it. And I daresay the criticism hasn’t gotten you the results you want, right? So just stop. It’s not your job to fix him or critique him or tear him down.

   5. My husband is not a lawyer but his work involves some legal research and legal writing. Sometimes he asks for my help with something small during the work day and vice versa that he could just ask a coworker and we both love it. Obviously nothing confidential – more like he might say – can you tell me how to find other cases that cited a case again? I will then explain how to shepardize something on Lexis. Or I might text him and say what’s another word for X for a brief?

      We try to tap into each other’s knowledge base. Maybe if you have something in your work life that remotely touches on his work life you can ask his opinion about it or ask him to show you how to do something.

   6. Try the 5 Love Languages book. Words might not mean the same thing to you that they do to him. He might prefer/need acts of service, physical affection, gifts, or that other thing that I always forget. Quality time? Can’t recall. If y’all can see each other’s perspective, and speak respectfully (see the Gottman Institute marriage books) it goes a long way.

      Good luck.

   7. I read in some marriage advice book that, to maintain a positive relationship, you need to give 8 pieces of positive feedback for every 1 piece of negative feedback. I don’t think you need to do this by constantly complimenting your husband on major life issues like his potential in his career. I find that just remembering to express my appreciation for small things goes a long way — like thanks for remembering to pick up milk today, for example.

   8. One thing my husband and I have always made a point of is to consistently and sincerely thank each other for the little things–making dinner, mowing the lawn, doing the dishes, etc. It sounds silly and can be awkward at first, but we have found that it makes a real difference. It helps the thank-er to appreciate the other person more, and makes the thank-ee feel valued.

      ETA: anon at 11:53, we must have written our posts at the same time!

   9. My love language is service, so maybe some of these specific things will help. If I’m busy at work, my husband makes me feel appreciated for my work/intelligence by doing things around the house to “free” me to do my work (for example, last night, after finishing some stuff around the house while I did dishes, he took over doing the dishes so I could pack for a work trip), bringing me coffee and/or breakfast if I’m up early working from home, and sometimes meeting me for dinner near my office so I can have a nice meal and mini-date and go back to work. If I’m not busy at work, which makes me feel undervalued, then it’s probably much more difficult – I think I just need him to express appreciation for the projects or things I do to fill my time instead of working.

   10. Spend some time thinking about why you love him and what you love about him, particularly just before you’re going to see him, so you can be really sincere with your affection when you see him. Something about your phrasing makes it seem like you aren’t actually speaking from your heart (you have all these qualifiers on what he feels: you say “apparently” DH feels like you’ve “sort of” been tearing him down, (and then you note that he does it too!); “obviously” and “of course” you mean your compliments, but I get the sense that you’re trying to make him feel good about himself in a way of going through the motions of doing the right thing, but that you’re not really feeling like “my husband is fantastic and I want him to know that I really think he’s wonderful!” And I think he may be picking up on this same underlying feeling from you.

7. I have a free day in Los Angeles coming up on a work trip. What should I do? I’ve only been to L.A. once before, also for a work trip, and spent the few free hours I had hanging out at the beach/pier in Santa Monica, so I’ve got all the touristy options open. I will have a car. And it will be a Monday, if that matters.

   1. Because it’s Monday, I think most of the museums (LACMA, MoCA, both Gettys) will be closed. Which leaves either nature or shopping. If the weather is nice, I choose nature. Drive west to the Pacific Coast Highway and then north on PCH to Malibu. Park. Walk on the beach, have lunch at the Reel Inn.

      If the weather is not nice, I choose shopping. You could park at Farmers Market and walk around that and the Grove.

      Then there’s always a Korean spa day. I like Aroma Resort (body scrub and massage, preceded by about 45 minutes of Jacuzzi-ing).

   2. If you’d like to come to Pasadena and have lunch or drinks or dinner with me, email me at seniorattorney1 at the g mail.

      Both the Norton Simon Museum and the Huntington Library and Gardens are open on Mondays and they are awesome, and there is some fun shopping in Old Town Pasadena. Just sayin’.

      1. The Norton Simon and the Huntington are indeed awesome!

   3. I will actually be staying with friends in Pasadena, so I may take you up on that offer, Senior Attorney, depending on how my plans work out.

      The Internet informs me that while the Getty is closed on Mondays, the Getty Villa is open. Is it worth the time it would take me to drive there or should I stick to Norton Simon Museum and Huntington Library?

      1. I would avoid the drive to Villa and go to the Huntington Library instead. The gardens are really lovely. And since you’ll already be in Arcadia/San Marino (where the Huntington is located) I recommend going to some of the great Asian restaurants in the area. Some places I always take out-of-towners: Din Tai Fung for juicy pork dumplings, Summer Rolls in Rosemead for spring rolls, Phoenix for tapioca mixed fruit drinks (right next to Din Tai Fung), Little Sheep for hot pot (they have a new location in Pasadena now, but there’s also one in Monterey Park). Have a great time!

      2. Yes, it is totally worth it to visit the villa. It is wonderful and unique and recently renovated. And, you can still dine at Reel Inn, which is very close.

         1. But a helluva drive from Pasadena. You also need parking reservations. Stay in Pasadena. There’s plenty to do.

8. Ladies, I could use some wisdom. I am thinking about moving in with my boyfriend and I am wondering if any of you have any tips/pieces of advice of things I should consider or know before making the decision. I’ve never lived with someone or really even come close to it so I’m pretty nervous. We’ve been dating just under a year and it’s going really well. He owns a house and I rent, so we think it makes the most sense for me to move into this place. What should I be considering and what should we be discussing??

   1. Do not move in with someone for financial reasons only. It doesn’t sound like that’s the case, but make sure there is a heck of a lot more too it than that. Also, talk about how you will share expenses, and not just rent/mortgage – groceries, furniture, maintenance items(ie: it’s his house, but you’re using it and wearing it down equally) up front. Get a plan you can both sign off on before a single box gets packed.

      1. +1. IME when one person moves into another person’s house, you can run into trouble over the expense-sharing very easily. He is building equity but you will be paying rent, so should that be taken into account? How will you split other household costs?

         You could try an app like Splitwise and play around with it to see if it can help you with that question.

         Also, I wouldn’t move in unless there is an understanding (unspoken or overt) that your relationship is moving toward marriage/lifelong partnership.

      2. +1. Do this after you’ve had discussions about heading toward marriage and the future.

         1. +1–I would only move in with someone if I thought we were going to get married (not necessarily engaged, but talking that way). Not so much for prudish reasons, but because I think living together can make you stay in the wrong relationship for too long so if you’re not planning to get married, not worth it.

   2. Google some of the lists of “things to discuss before you live together” and talk through each one before you make your decision. Some are practical (who takes out the trash?), some are financial (who pays for what?) and some are relationship-y (what, if anything, does this mean for us?). We also had lawyers draft a cohabitation agreement (look it up), signed in front of a notary and recorded it with the county recorder. (That last step might not be necessary if you don’t have toxic ex-spouses, but having a cohabitation agreement that is not recorded is a good idea.)

   3. Do you want this to lead to marriage? Does he? Why aren’t you getting engaged? Do you want to? When? How will you handle “rent”? Do you get to redecorate? How do you each envision your relationship changing when you live together? How will you handle moving out if you break up?

      1. Yes, what do you think is the endgame here? What does he think is the endgame? What are your timelines? And are you both thinking the same thing? Don’t assume! If you haven’t talked about this with him explicitly, you should have that conversation, or series of conversations, before you move in together.

      2. Not to pile on, but this is one thing that I feel like is a big unspoken problem with couples moving in together – it’s hard to move out and easy to stay. Maybe one person wants to get married/start a family/move to the next stage, but the other one is happy with status quo, and it doesn’t feel right for the first person to rush the second, then next thing you know, years have passed (making it even harder to contemplate moving out). Relationships that might otherwise die a natural death just keep on keeping on, because there’s nothing pressingly horrible enough to justify moving.

         Not at all saying that this would be your situation, just more trying to let you know to be really careful that it’s not. I know that moving in together is really convenient, but I find it hard to recommend for that unless you’re certain that you’re marriage bound, or certain that you’re not interested in being marriage bound.

         1. Yep. Before my BF moved into my place, we had a lot of discussions about where this was going. I stated emphatically and repeatedly that I believed that moving in together and getting engaged go hand in hand, so he should not move in unless he was ready to get engaged imminently. That was more than 6 months ago and still no ring. He does not want me to propose. We have a trip planned together in June, so I’ve mentally prepared myself to tell him to move out the day we get home from the trip if he hasn’t proposed by then.

            1. What? Why? Do you want to ruin the trip? Why not go with a “hey dude why haven’t you proposed? I was serious about this. I don’t want my life to be some absurd surprise. Which I told you. Are we getting engaged or not?”

            2. You could propose to him.

            3. I really admire this. You told him what your ground rule were and he agreed–he shouldn’t be surprised when you ask him to leave.

               (Hopefully he’ll surprise you on your trip!)

            4. Why wouldn’t you have a more casual conversation before then, tell him what you are thinking, and ask him what he’s thinking about marriage? It seems strange to have this whole deadline scenario in your head without any back-and-forth in the between times. Unless he has been giving signs that he is not ready to get married anytime soon. (But in that case, why wouldn’t you bring it up then and there?)

            5. Don’t do that. You will have a miserable time on the trip unless he proposes in the car on the way to the airport. I speak from experience.

            6. Thanks, all. There have been many, many conversations about it. There is nothing more for me to say. He is not ready right now and he doesn’t have a definitive timeline. He needs to feel something he’s not feeling. I love this guy and I want to marry him, but I’m not willing to put my love for him above what I need out of life. So he gets a couple of months to make up his mind before I make it for him. If these are the last few months of Us, I want to enjoy them, and the trip, and be happy I had him in my life for the time that I did. So that’s kind of where I am.

      3. These were the big things my now-fiancé and I discussed before moving in together. Personally, I made it clear that living together was a step toward getting married for me and I would only move in if we were on the same page there.

      4. +1

         You need to be on the same page about these big-picture things. Otherwise, it’s bound to get messy. If talking about a potential break-up or marriage is not something you can do with this guy, probably not best to move in. It’s going to end one of those two ways.

   4. 1. Money
      2. Household responsibilities
      3. future of the relationship

      top reasons for fighting. Work through what you think is fair and ask him to separately. Then compare and contrast.

   5. Maybe I’m unduly progressive but I find a lot of this “NOT UNLESS TRENDING TOWARD MARRIAGE” old fashioned and alarmist. It reminds me of the currently popular instagram account called #crazyjewishmom who is constantly texting her daughter “no ring on the finger, must not linger” about her current relationship. (sidenote, this instagram is hilarious and I highly recommend)

      I think a lot of the comments about what to talk about before you move in as it relates to the actual mechanics of living together are extremely sound (finances, household responsibilities, how the whole you pay rent while he gets equity thing goes), but these are generally things I think one should cover with anyone you are moving in with. Sometimes we live with people and then move out. Most of us have done it with roommates for a large portion of our lives, and as long as you have no reason to believe you are incapable of managing a break up with someone you live with (trouble with ending things generally, easily swayed), I really do find some of this alarmist. I’ve lived with and moved out from places with 2 boyfriends and it wasn’t some travesty.

      I’m sure I’ll get absolutely slammed for this, but not everyone needs to have this cookie cutter experience where the only men you’ve ever lived with are your husband, brother, and father. If you have a happy, stable relationship and have sorted out the logistical/finance stuff, why not? Enjoy it, whether you marry him or not.

      1. Eh, I think this has been pretty balanced. Many people are saying not “get married”, but if that’s your endgame, make sure you’re on the same page. Also, this often isn’t just a roommate relationship – finances are commingled, societal expectations are different, length of living together is different.

         1. Comparing this to living with roommates is like apples and oranges to me…not even close. A romantic relationship is different and lots of people have already pointed out that there can be inertia to break up when the relationship is not going well–because you are not just leaving the person, you also have to find a new place to live, or you have to ask the other person to move out. That is not something to be overlooked. Most of the advice is just this: discuss expectations and make sure you are on the same page.

      2. Moving in together with similar expectations that you will just live together for a while and see where it goes is one thing, but problems arise when one party views it this way, and the other party views it as a serious step toward marriage, and they never discuss this. A few people said not to move in unless you both want to marry, but I think most people (including me, above) just said talk about what you both want and expect out of the situation and make sure it’s the same thing.

      3. I agree with Anon – couples interact differently (by sharing and commingling more) than roommates, so it’s a lot harder to separate if the time comes. And all of us know how hard it is to go from one’s 20s, thinking that things like marriage and children are off in some distant future to suddenly facing our mid-30’s and going “Wait, where did all the time go?” (I married young and still have had that experience with the kid-having and career aspect!) Certainly, it doesn’t apply to everyone, but it’s a very common experience, and one that is easy to overlook.

      4. I already wrote this above, but for me, it’s more about the fact that living together can really cause you to stay longer than you should–because of leases, finances, comfort, etc. If you aren’t planning to get married, you can lose lots of time to the wrong relationship because of these factors. In my view, that’s why surveys show that couples who live together first get divorced at a higher rate–not because it’s “immoral” but because you end up marrying someone you found yourself on a seemingly irreversible trajectory with. Not living together gives you a better escape hatch.

      5. I think you’re misreading the advice. I don’t care if the OP ever gets married to this guy or anything else. I just think they should discuss what they’re both expecting out of the relationship. 2 people up for marriage is great. 2 people in this for cheaper rent is also great. A mismatch between expectations isn’t.

      6. Thank you, anon for this but… – I was wondering exactly the same thing. (I also live in a European country where I think marrying – esp. early – is somewhat less common than the US, and people seem to cope fine. I certainly don’t have the impression that my colleagues and friends are trapped in loveless relationships because of the rental contract or inertia! )

         1. I think a lot of the advice here hinges on being confident you are on the marriage track and that person feeling the same. What if you just want to live together to figure out if that works or because it seems right for you all at the time? I don’t think you need to be all “this is the one” for this to be a good idea as long as you have thought about the pros and cons.

   6. I am a little puzzled by this debate.

      I think of course that a good talk about the practical and finansiel aspects
      of living together is a good idea before you move in together.

      I do not know anybody who moved in with somebody, they did not feel serious about. But I am puzzled by the idea, that you should only move in with somebody if you know where things are going. I think that living together plays a big part in finding out if you want to spend your life with this person.

      As for the idea, that people will stay for convenience, you could argue the same about unhappy marriages.

      1. This is really more my point. Nicely put.

         1. Thank you!

9. I am so sick of bright blue and black together. Seriously. I feel like I’ve seen this dress 100 times.

   1. +1. Sing it!

      (Although, I am not looking forward to the return of 80s pleated pants, which looks like it is coming!)

      1. I was walking through Target the other day and literally gasped because they had the floral pants I had in the early 90s out on display. Glad to know I’m fashionable almost 20 years later. Shudder.

   2. Looks gold and white to me

   3. Funny, I feel like this dress is a fresh take on the whole colorblocking thing (which I don’t like).

      I don’t like blue and black and I don’t like colorblocking and yet, I considered this dress.*

      *until I saw the price and then I stopped considering it.

10. Can we talk about perimenopause?

    Another poster and I discussed this the other day when we were extolling the virtues of Dear Kate underwear. She and I, both 48, seem to be experiencing similar issues (mostly wonky period intervals).

    I am now on day 75 with no period (and keep feeling like I am going to get it any time): she had gotten to day 90 (and then gotten it). I’ve been all over the map this year, 15 days, 45 days, 20 days, 30 days, you name it.

    Anyone else going through it, or been through it, want to chime in? I guess I am mostly asking “what surprised you, or was difficult to deal with” so I can be prepared (or at least not freaked out).

    I’ve talked to my doctor, of course, but hoping to get Hive input.

    1. Curious about this, too.

       No female relatives have gone through it — the 3 older women I’m genetically related to all had hysterectomies due to fibroids in their 50s with no sign of menopause.

       I’m almost 45 and am having shorter periods (not usually hitting day 28, but it annoys me to have 21-25 day cycles). Sometimes awful cramps and sometimes nothing.

       And I’m freezing all the time — I’d almost welcome a hot flash (when I was pregnant, it was the only time I wasn’t cold, so I assume that the freezing is hormonal, too). Time for a thyroid check . . .

       1. That’s how it generally starts I think. Shorter intervals between periods, spotting (which I never had before) between periods in some cycles, and then alternating very short and quite long intervals. This 75 day interval is by far the longest I’ve ever gone.

          No hot flashes or night sweats yet.

          My mom, grandmother and aunt all had hysterectomies in their 40s, so I have no family data either.

    2. I’m going through this too, and I have had one big pro, one big con. Pro – I haven’t started having hot flashes yet, but I have found that I’m running much warmer this year than I have ever. I’ve always been the one that is freezing in the office, at the restaurant, at the movies, and now, I’m reasonably warm all the time. Con – decreased desire to have LGP. Very sad for my husband. Too bad.

       My period’s always been wonky, so the whole cycle thing isn’t really an issue for me.

    3. Ah yes – I have seriously wondered while we talk to our young daughters about the changes happening in their bodies, why no one talks to women “of a certain age” about the changes to expect in theirs? I’m 54 and have been all over the map. I went 11 months with no period only to resume an almost regular schedule for another year or so. Then I went for a few months on and off with unpredictable periods. My last period was last July and for some reason I feel like this it. I’m now on my third round of HRT, after nighttime hot flashes would come and go. I’m afraid I’ll be on the drugs for quite a while now because I’ve also have extreme dryness during LGP (think shards of glass) that are only abated by HRT. I’m beginning to understand why some older women want to stop gardening – physically and mentally, it’s not a pretty picture without the HRT intervention.

    4. More than one woman in my family has mentally gone off the deep end during menopause. I don’t know what the medical term would be for it because they didn’t previously have depression/anxiety/paranoia but it got so bad before they sought treatment that they almost had to go in-patient. My mom was one and it was absolutely heartbreaking to not know what was wrong with her and to not be able to get her to help herself. She absolutely couldn’t see that her feeling the way she did was not her normal self and that she needed to get to the doctor. She finally got something to regulate her hormones and went back to her normal self but it was a really awful time. We were all on egg shells trying not to set her off. We would say one wrong thing and she would alternate between sobbing, yelling, screaming. She was completely irrational.

       I’m sure this type of reaction is very very rare but it is not talked about so people don’t know when it happens. Postpartum depression has finally become well known enough that people will recognize it and get help. Just knowing it can happen can help you react if someone says to you “you really should talk to your doctor about this.”

    5. I’ve been through “the change” and have come out mostly okay. No HRT for me and my hot flashes were mostly limited to night time issues during perimenopause. My desire for LGPs is down, but once I get started I do okay. None of the dryness or pain that others experience. On the other hand, my co-worker just started acupuncture to help alleviate the hot flashes. I think part of the lack of information may be that each person’s experience is so unique.

    6. I’ve been charting for 16 years now (first to get preg then for birth control) and am glad I can see what’s actually happening. First I was ovulating early & having short cycles, then I stopped ovulating for a couple of months but still had some bleeding so it was breakthrough bleeding, not a true cycle. I’m in my mid/late 40s. No other issues yet, though; just cycle irregularities.

       1. I might start charting again. I did it when I was TTC.

    7. I’m 43 and have been having symptoms for at least 2 years. Very irregular cycles, ranging from 20 days to 60 days. Nights sweats, decreased libido, dryness. Some anxiety issues in general and mood swings during PMS are definitely worse. The symptoms that surprised me most have been insomnia (not constant, but recurring at certain times during my cycle) and burning mouth. The latter is a lovely sensation of having a funky taste in your mouth while also feeling like you burned your mouth on very hot coffee. Thankfully that was more common early on and has become less common recently. As someone else mentioned, I’m also much warmer generally than I used to be – I’m no longer the coldest person in the room.

    8. FWIW, I’m only in my late-20s but my mom is very open with us (both daughters luckily) so I have a good idea of what she went through (I highly recommend this even if your daughters say its gross and they don’t want to know like I did).

       I know my mom’s periods in her mid-late 40s were similar in that she would never know when to expect them (it would be months sometimes in between) and then they would be REALLY heavy. This lasted for years actually 7-8 probably. She then started to run warm and in the last 3 years, has had pretty intense hot flashes (keeping the window open in frigid winter temperatures). It looks like they’re starting to go away but all in all, this has probably been about a 10 year process.

11. This is reality check question:

    Would you pay $2750 for a 2-BR house in Clarendon (so walk to the orange line and lots of fun stuff)? I don’t want another apartment after the last one had no sound privacy between units. The place is ancient and basic but very clean (so: no dishwasher, but hardwood floors, and W/D, but in basement).

    My parents don’t have that much $ as a mortgage and all my friends would be shocked, shocked that there is no marble, granite, etc. and that the kitchen has metal cabinets and a sears appliances that aren’t stainless. I just want to sleep at night and not have a million rowdy people in the hallways after closing time.

    1. Probably not. That seems a bit steep, even given that it’s a not-inexpensive area. I’ve had the same problems with rowdy neighbors in the past, but I wasn’t in a position to pay more in rent to afford a place that wouldn’t be likely to have noisy neighbors. We looked really hard and eventually did move to a place that was only a little more expensive but much better on the loud neighbor front. Also I’ve started sleeping with earplugs. I’m also in the DC area, FWIW. It’s your choice if you feel it’s worth it vs saving the money, but also look harder.

    2. How many bath? Is this a rowhouse? Does it have a yard? Do you share the house (and the w/d)? Are utilities included in that?

       1. It’s a real house! No utilities, but the fireplace works and b/c the house is tiny, there is a lot of yard. Will be sharing with BF. 2 full baths (old house style, nothing is attached to a bedroom). Good outdoor space.

          First rental was highrise that was 1BR+den + pay to park. I like the area. Don’t want to move off of walk-to-metro b/c I know there are lot more NoVa houses if you’re willing to drive or take a bus to the metro.

          1. For reference sake, we paid slightly more than that for a mortgage for a similarly sized house just a few mins walk from the Clarendon metro. I paid slightly less in rent for a 2 bed/2 bath “luxury” rental right off that metro. So, the price seems in line with the area, but whether you want to/should pay it is another question.

             I absolutely loved living in a single family home (personal yard, porch, privacy, etc.) that was extremely walkable to the metro and lots of bars/restaurants. It fit our lifestyle beautifully at the time — working long hours, but lots of time for going out at night, and was one of my favorite places I’ve ever lived. However, we were building equity, so I was okay with paying more per month. Whether it makes sense for you is totally personal – if you can afford (without sacrificing other goals, whatever they may be), it’s a great location, and I personally hate apartments, so I’d pay slightly more for what I perceive to be the benefits associated with a SFH.

             Jealous! The set-up reminds me of my pre-kid life :)

          2. Having to pay utilities for an old house (and a regular fireplace does not heat a house, plus you have the cost of wood) plus take are of the yard (or pay for that) and snow removal would be the biggest red flags for me with this situation. I think it is pricey to begin with, and then by the time those other costs come in, it could get expensive. Is NoVa much more convenient for your jobs than MD suburbs?

             1. Not in this area at all so I have no comment on price, but it makes a huge difference if you are responsible for the yardwork and snow removal or if the landlord contracts that out. If you think it is already high price and you would be responsible for maintaining the yard and snow removal you should probably opt out – that is a lot more work than most people realize and it can really suck up your free time, or cost you $$ to hire someone to do it.

    3. Do I need 2 bedrooms? I would only pay for that if I had a roommate for the other one.

    4. Sounds very overpriced for clarendon. There is a lot in between a full house and a rowdy apartment- how bought looking for the top floor of a row home? Do you need that much space?

    5. That seems reasonable to me for what you are getting (especially after your elaboration above), but still unreasonable for what i would pay, if that makes sense. I mean if someone told me I could rent a castle in ballston for 5,000 a month, that might be reasonable rent but it’s still more than I would spend.

       For just two people I would look for something smaller. I know you say you don’t want an apartment, but if that’s only because of the noise between neighbors, I would look around more. I never hear my neighbors.

    6. I paid $2100 for a 1br in that area, but it was in a luxury building. Not sure if that helps

    7. HELL no. Sorry. I also don’t like Clarendon at all, plus the orange line is a nightmare.

       Bias aside that’s pretty expensive. I was paying $1950 for a 1bd w/den in a luxury building walking to metro (and was super quiet) and now am in a private rental paying about $1500 (not right on metro, but close).

       I’ll also say, having moved from an apt to a house like condo, there are SO many more expenses. It is such a pain in the butt. If I owned it, I’d be okay, but every time I spend money I become increasingly aware it’s my money improving their house.

       1. Thanks! I am intoxicated by the possiblity of having one door to the outdoors AND no neighbors. And the yard thing and the possibility of gardening. I feel like it’s living out part of an escapist fantasy without having to pull the trigger on it.

          And the 2-BR is for frequent guests (and is what we currently have, but for more, in a midrise building with nothing fancy but the neighborhood) (the couch was fine for guests in our 20s, but with more married friends / relatives / people with kids, everyone likes having a door and a real bedroom; so do we).

          Also a little bit of the sense that there aren’t a lot of rental houses that aren’t massive / elsewhere, so if I don’t take it I’ll regret it.

          1. Are you committed to Clarendon/orange line? may I introduce you to my good friend Pentagon City? It’s a little more ‘grown up’ than Clarendon (no drunk kids running through halls), while there are less bars, you’re close to a lot to do and a quick/cheap cab/Uber from the city. Or maybe Del Ray?

             I’m totally with you on the gardening. Our rental has a little green space and I’ve already bought flower boxes.

             1. Thanks — that may be worth a look. I’ve seen places that are south of 50 off of Glebe, which I’m not sure I’d want to do by myself at night, but may check this out. Mostly duplexes though, but some houses (some of which are just too big/expensive, so it iwas nice to have a smaller one). One of the things that has put me off of going too suburban is feeling like I’d be the only non-family household and stick out a bit (so I’d be the neighborhood equivalent of the drunk bro annoying people).

             2. I was thinking the same thing about Pentagon City… there are some cute houses out that way, too.

             3. +1

                or Crystal City — yes, it’s a bit ‘boring’, but Crystal City and Pentagon City have gotten a lot more livable in the last 5 years. The apartments are quite and a little less than the Orange line. And I think both the Blue and the Yellow lines are more manageable than the Orange line.

             4. Del Ray and/or the area off of Mt. Vernon Ave in Alexandria is awesome. Everything the OP wants, but a little cheaper.

             5. As someone in NYC daydreaming about moving to NOVA (my family is based there), any chance you could say more about Pentagon City or Del Ray? What would you expect to pay for a 2 bedroom apartment in either?

                Editing to say I just saw more comments pop up (had the window open too long without refreshing, I guess)–would love to see more!

             6. I love it, I’m a total convert. I will only live on “my” side of 395. And OP, I agree. 50 & glebe area is not safe (or maybe it is, but sure doesn’t feel that way).

                Pentagon City and Crystal City definitely has a quieter vibe. Unless you’re throwing ragers, I highly doubt you’d annoy the neighbors. We sit on my friends’ patios and drink wine all the time and no one gives us the side eye. I also frequently have solo dance parties in my living room (need it to clean) and while you could hear if you were standing at my front door, my neighbors couldn’t tell.

                in PC for a 2bd I’d say 2100 for a nice building. Now parking is extra usually (and then there’s pet rent), but that’s for luxury. You can get a bit less and all still metro walkable. I haven’t totally figured out del ray yet; there seems to be some new high rises and then private condos (1500-1700), but you’re not metro accessible.

                I love the area solely because I do not want to sleep where I go out and ‘party’ (I use that term loosely. I’d like to be a short cab ride away from work and play and have walking options, but without the drunk early 20s puking and shouting from the street. For me PC/CC hits those spots. Plus, dogs and wine in the park. Yes, please.

             7. Thanks, @L, this is really helpful! Have to check it out!

12. Admissions letters to my first choice graduate program are going out “the week of March 3-7.” I have a pretty good chance of getting in, but if I don’t get in, it seriously changes my life plan for the next year (think relocating to be near SO), and I am freaking the flip out. Other than just putting my head down and powering through work, how do I quell the anxiety and queasy feeling in my stomach? And if I don’t get in, any tips on dealing with that?

    1. You rang?

       When you’re going through a temporarily anxious phase and you can’t actually do anything about it, I am here to help you get some distraction by hooking up with that hot Dutch man at the bar. It’s tulip season iedereen and it’s time for your fleeting love to blossom.

       1. I’ve missed you, Shots! :)

       2. I missed you too! Referenced you yesterday at the office, in fact.

    2. I’m going through something similar waiting on some job offers. Remember that no matter how nervous you feel, it. will. not. change. the. outcome. At all. Try to tell yourself, “I’m the type of person who knows how to let things go,” and just try to release all that extra stress you’re carrying. Whenever you start to feel anxious, force yourself to stop thinking about it. Focus on something happy that you can attain regardless of the decision (maybe some small treat for yourself). Just keep reminding yourself that the worry/anxiety won’t change a thing, so the best you can do is remain calm and zen. Easier said than done, I know.

13. I’m an attorney (full barred) working in a policy position. My colleagues are mostly PhDs and use PhD on their cards etc. (so their business cards and email signatures will say John Doe, Ph.D.). Should I put JD on mine? On the one hand, I feel like it can be pretentious to put your degree out there. On the other, it’s important to my work that people understand my background and why I have authority to speak on the issues I handle. It adds to the image of my employer and helps support its work and the work of my colleagues since my reputation reflects on all of them as well. But then I usually see “JD” used by people who aren’t lawyers (i.e., aren’t barred), such as paralegals who hold JDs. Obviously I’m disinclined to put “esq” after my own name. In the past, I’ve always either worked somewhere where it’s obvious that I’m a lawyer (law firm) or had the word “counsel” in my title. Not sure what to do here. Or maybe just my name and title and trust people will expect that someone with my position has SOME basis for her authority. Or, most likely, I’m really really overthinking this (and, no, my employer does not have a policy on this — we’re all supposed to do what we want).

    1. I would put Esq. if you want to convey the idea that you are an attorney. I agree that putting J.D. seems like you are not barred. I’ve only seen it used by insurance adjusters and paralegals.

       1. But putting esq after your own name is just so…not done.

          1. +1

          2. Depends where you practice. Very common and accepted where I am.

             1. If you are in the US (which I am pretty sure you are) its not accepted. It may be common but its still… not done.

             2. No where is the US tolerates this.

          3. Question: why is it not done? Because I never do it, but a lot of attorneys do. And I can’t quite say why I don’t do it other than it seems antiquated and pretentious and an attorney I worked with early on would always say, “make sure you put Esq. after their name because they get upset if you don’t, but never put it after mine because that’s not correct…” So, why??

             1. Because it’s pretentious. You use the title to honor someone else not yourself.

             2. You address other people as esq, never yourself.

             3. Weird. I’m in-house counsel, and everyone in our department has Esq after our names – on the cards and in the email signature. Guess it just depends on the industry?

             4. And there is some authority that it is only for men. The female equivalent to Esq. is Attorney-at-Law.

          4. It’s common but definitely frowned upon by many because it’s impolite to use an honorific on yourself. Also, esquires represent clients, and it sounds like you may not do that. (For example, government attorneys are not properly identified as esquires).

    2. Your colleagues are putting their degrees on business cards, so based on that I don’t think it’s any more pretentious for you to do the same. And it could make you look less qualified relative to them if you don’t. You have observed the office culture, now follow suit.

    3. Can you get a title that indicates you are an attorney?

       1. Yes, this. Or maybe put JD after your name, and then put a small line on the bottom of the card that says “admitted to practice in [Jurisdiction]” or “Member, [Jurisdiction] Bar.” Or… ooh! Does your jurisdiction use bar numbers? How about using that?

          I agree that using “Esq.” after one’s own name seems a bit declasse.

          1. I’ve seen bar numbers or “admitted to practice …” more than either JD or Esq.

    4. I am also an attorney working in a policy position with many Ph.D.s and a few J.D.s. All J.D.s in my organization use “J.D.” after their names, whether or not they are members of the bar. At conferences I see “J.D.” on people’s intro slides and business cards, but not usually “Esq.”

       In a policy position, at least a non-political one like mine, most people will not care if you are a member of the bar or not. Any authority that comes from the J.D. comes from the degree itself. But what people really care about is your publication record and whether they have heard of you before.

       1. Sounds like you do something very similar to what I do. I think you’re right about publication record. I’m still building mine and I’m inclined to just let that and my organization’s reputation speak for themselves.

          1. Same anon from above. I still wouldn’t hesitate to put your degree on your card for fear that people will think you are not a member of the bar. Non-lawyer folks will be inclined to assume that “J.D.” means you are a bar member. Only practicing attorneys will even think of making the opposite assumption.

14. Any experience with pilonidal cysts? I have seen my PCP, hoping that warm compresses + antibiotics will help (it looks like from Dr. G**gle that antibiotics are not always useful) and I can avoid surgery. Ugh.

    1. No advise but don’t google it please. I can’t recount the number of times I thought I would die or end up in hospital just from reading comments on random health boards.

       1. Actually, it is helpful for me, because it is talked about as sort of a hairy man issue, so it’s good to read about women having experiences with it to make it slightly less embarrassing (and I’m curious if it could be hormonal). But that is generally very good advice.

    2. My ex bf had one for a year + and eventually got surgery because it was too painful. If it’s not getting better, I wouldn’t put off the surgery indefinitely. You can have it drained but it will keep forming again unless you have it removed. He was kind of hairy though which I think made it worse, so a woman might be in a better position in that sense.

       1. Thanks.

    3. OW! I had one my junior year of college. I thought I fell on my tailbone, but it turns out that I had a big old cyst. I had to have it lanced as emergency surgery with no anesthesia. I do not recommend that and if yours doesn’t go down soon, get another appointment to have it looked at. Make sure you rinse the area super well after you shower. I had mine packed as an open wound so now it drains, which is gross but better than ever having to have that surgery again in my life.

       1. Sorry you had to go through that, but thanks for your perspective. So it sounds like you did not have it totally removed, just lanced and drained, and now it recurs but drains itself? (Or am I not understanding?)

          1. Not totally removed, just lanced and drained. It doesn’t get infected or swell up like it did before (yuck, seriously, so yuck) but it occasionally drains itself. I have no complications now and was recovered from the lancing in about a month.

    4. Had one. PCP diagnosed it as such. It went away on its own. I think I may have done warm compresses, but definitely not antibiotics. Mine was annoying and uncomfortable but not much more painful than a zit. Albeit a zit in a very tender spot that I had to sit on all day long.

       1. Thanks for your response. This is insanely comforting to hear.

    5. I had one, and my sister has had so many she has surgery. I had mine taken care of at an urgent care center with local anesthetic and antibiotics. It hurt like a mofo, but not for long. I had no insurance so I ended up having an RN friend clean and pack the wound after (with supplies generously given by the clinic). I got it again the next year, and a new clinic referred me for surgery. I had insurance by then but after my sister’s experience with surgery made me hesitant. That time it ended up going away in its own.

    6. Had (or have) one, it somehow got infected and the pain was unreal. My PCP lanced and drained it, and gave me antibiotics and vicodin for the pain, but didn’t pack it to let it drain and heal. I was in so much pain that I went through the full vicodin scrip in two days (normally, one will knock me out for 10 hours – but I was taking two pills every four hours on the dot). Went to the ER, the ER doctor lanced it again (with an expertly done local), packed it for me, and explained how to care for it. Started feeling better within hours, probably was packing it for about two weeks. A couple of years later, it flared up again, and I went to a colorectal surgeon for a consult and in-office treatment. I feel it from time to time, usually when I’ve been sitting for too long, but have never had an issue since then – 6+ years later.

    7. My husband had one back in grad school, before we met. He had surgery, and he came through just fine. He jokes about it these days, so I assume it was ultimately NBD. I can ask him for more detail if you want, but sounds like a lot of commenters are giving you useful data points as is.

    8. Hugs to you — pilonidal cysts are awful. I have (had?) one, and know how painful they are. The first time it flared up I kept hoping it would go away, or was just an embarrassing pimple. I ended up going to the ER because I was in so much pain, and they lanced it there for me and prescribed pain medication and antibiotics. The recovery was uncomfortable, but sitz baths (warm bath with enough water to cover the area, with some diluted anitbacterial soap like Dial body wash) did help to ease the discomfort. About a year later it flared up again — this time I went to a colorectal surgeon who lanced it in his office with local anesthesia. Unfortunately, he didn’t “get” all of it, so I had to go back a few days later in even more pain for a second lancing and draining. Luckily, it hasn’t happened again (it’s been about 3 years). I keep the area clean (antibacterial body wash in the shower, lots of rinsing, careful drying), and just keep my fingers crossed it won’t be back.

    9. Thank you all for these responses, and sorry to those who have gone through it.

15. nothing like one little crimp in your morning to throw off your whole day. It may as well be monday.

    1. I hear ya…I think I might want to move to Australia…

16. OK, so, I’d love some input as to whether or not to get a landline phone. I have never had one (graduated from high school in 2001). But for the first time I’m considering it….I’m now married, we are moving in to a place we plan to stay more than 2 years, and contemplating kids in the next couple of years. For those of you who established homes post-cellphones, is it worth it to get a landline? If so, when did you get a landline? How often do you use it? Pros/cons?

    I’m thinking:

    Cons:

    – Extra $$
    – Takes up space (small apartment)
    – Will I even use it? Will we even give people the number?
    – We’re out and about most of the time–will we even answer the phone?
    – Checking the VMs will be another thing to do, besides keeping track of our own cell phone VMs
    – What if we get inconvenient sales calls (see, small apartment….we probably wouldn’t escape the sound of the phone ringing anywhere in our place, as opposed to my parents’ large suburban house when I was growing up…)?

    Pros:

    – If we have a kid, it will give us one “family” number to call (schools, doctor)
    – Sometimes DH has his phone on silent or leaves it in the other room, and then doesn’t pick up, and it drives me crazy…a landline would obviate the problem
    – Um, it seems like something you are supposed to do when you’re a grown up?

    1. For me the only point of a landline is in emergencies. Calling 911 works better from a landline and a corded landline works even when the power is out. Idk why you’d want schools or doctors contacting you on a phone you’re probably not going to be home to answer most of the time.

       1. Agreed. Can you plug in a landline and use it to call 9-1-1 without paying for service? (I don’t know if this is a thing or not, the way it is with cell phones.)

          1. I have never heard of this.

             1. Apparently it is only for cell phones.

                http://www.apartmenttherapy.com/pros-cons-should-i-keep-a-landline-for-emergencies-197013

    2. I can’t imagine ever having a landline again in my life, but looking at your needs, have you considered just getting another cell phone on your family plan? You could just leave that phone in the house and only take it with you when both of you are going somewhere.

       On the other hand, I think you could also address most of your needs by just splitting up responsibilities once you have a kid (e.g., Doctor stuff always goes to you, school stuff always goes to him).

       1. I like the idea of splitting up responsibilities. I actually started thinking about a landline as we were talking about responsibilities post-kids. I don’t want to end up as the “default” parent, making all appointments, etc., just because my cell phone number is the one used all the time. But at the same time, it doesn’t make sense for him to do this, either…

          1. Then give different phone numbers to different people. Doctors and schools aren’t going to want to calla home landline if you’re both working.

             1. Well, quite frankly, its more about where doctors and schools will leave a message. Due to the nature and schedules of our respective jobs, we’re not going to be answering cell phones all the time, either. DH works half day shifts/half night shifts at a hospital–he will be at home many days, but sleeping, and doesn’t usually answer his cell at the hospital for obvious reasons. I work standard hours, but am often in meetings.

          2. google voice will also work for this sort of thing well – have a “family” number that rings both of your phones, and you can both get the voicemails and texts sent to your emails (or whatever)

    3. I agree w/Anonymous above about emergencies.

       I think most of the things you list as “pros” could be accomplished with Google voice or a handset that connects to your cell phone with blue tooth (except for the grown up thing, which is up to you).

    4. As an alternative perspective, I recently read an article or blog post where the author said that having a landline helped develop his relationship with his spouse’s family/friends. With a cell phone, they would call his wife directly, so he wouldn’t have much phone interaction unless they specifically called or asked for him. Once they got a landline, he would sometimes pick up when they’d call, so he would have direct conversations with his wife’s family/friends before he passed the phone on to her. According to him, those little interactions added up and enhanced those relationships.

       1. My husband and I achieve this by sometimes just picking up the other person’s phone when we see a family member is calling.

    5. I think having the ‘family’ line is incredibly useful – think about when your kids are too small to have their own phones, etc. If the babysitter’s phone isn’t working you’d still be able to reach them when you’re out, etc.

       That said, I wouldn’t want to pay much extra for one – in the UK I know we can get deals which have your landline and internet (and sometimes TV) in one bundle.

       1. Yes, this. I don’t like having to rely on my sitters/nannies to have a phone charged, accessible, etc. in case of emergency, or even if I just need to contact them. I’ve hired at least one sitter who did not have a cell phone, and felt incredibly uncomfortable that she had no way of accessing the outside world while I was out. After that experience, we installed a landline.

          Also, a sitter/nanny may not be able to rattle off your home’s address, especially in an emergency situation. It’s a whole lot easier to trace a landline if needed.

       2. I will have a landline at least until the littlest child (mine is 5) has his own cell phone. I don’t want my kids friends calling me on my cell phone to talk to my child.

          My kids call me, at work, from the landline when they get home, and I call home to talk to them several times a week.

          It is an annoying expense, for sure, but I think I’d be more annoyed not to have it.

    6. I’m of an older generation and rarely use my landline anymore, but I still like it as the “home phone” for kids’ stuff. My kids are now old enough to have their own cell phones, but before they did, that was the number that their friends called to set up get togethers. That was also the emergency number for sports teams, school, etc. The landline provided a clear primary number to reach either parent or a babysitter or whoever was in the house. And as someone else pointed out, that is the line that will continue to work when the electricity is out and the cell towers are overloaded.

       1. OK. I think I may be sold on getting a landline once we have kids (I’m pretty sure we can get a decent deal), if not before then.

          1. You can get a very cheap landline nowadays, ours comes free with our internet/cable bundle, as in it would be more expensive to pay for internet and cable without it.

             1. That is likely not a true landline but a via internet line.

       2. Agree. Our younger elementary kids use the landline to call their friends, I call it to reach the adult in charge at home (the nanny, husband, or the kid at home by himself), and it’s our emergency phone for 911 or in case the electricity goes out.

    7. Totally obscure reason here but some criminal defense lawyers insist on only speaking with clients on landlines (true landline, not VOIP) for confidentiality reasons.

       1. What do they do if the client doesn’t have a landline?

    8. I’ve never wanted a landline phone – more honestly, I never really gave it any thought. And then the Boston Marathon Bombing happened, cell towers were jammed and I couldn’t find my family for hours, who were to my knowledge at the finish line. Because of that experience I will never not have one again.

    9. I don’t see the point. My spouse and I are out of the house for 14 hours per day and our kid is at school. If someone needs to reach us in an emergency, they call our cell phones. I set up play dates by texting my kid’s friends’ parents, or by email. I also text with babysitters. My spouse is also bad about answering the phone, but since we are rarely home, I don’t see how a landline would improve the situation.

    10. Do you ever work from home and need to take calls? If cell phone sound quality in your home is not great, that’s about the only reason I would get one. If for emergencies, I think you can just hook up a phone without service and 911 still works, but I’m not positive.

    11. We have a house phone through Comcast but only because it was cheaper to get the package with the phone. The only people who call us on that phone are telemarketers. We occasionally use the phone to call parents but the improved signal would not be worth an extra cost.

    12. We have a land line, because both of us occasionally work from home and find that the sound / clarity of a call is just better for business purposes on a land line. The number forwards to my husband’s cell phone, because he uses it primarily for his business.

        Nice to have when the power goes off – which it never has, and likely won’t short of a major disaster. We live in a city with its own water and power department that can run the whole city on its own, if necessary.

        1. Ha, I’ve been thinking about this recently for the sole reason that I’d like to get cell phones out of the bedroom to make it a technology-free zone, but can’t let go of the idea of not being reachable in case of a real life nighttime emergency. Which is the only reason I’d like to have it. Also in this age of cell phone connectedness it sounds kind of lovely to have the option of shutting off your cell phone but still being reachable in your home by a few loved ones.

           1. There are Bluetooth phone systems you can use for this – put the main base in your living room (or wherever you charge your phones) and pair your cell phone with it, then you put the second cordless phone in the bedroom. We bought one after there was a middle of the night emergency and no one could reach us since our phones were on the first floor and didn’t wake us.
              This isn’t the model we have, but its like this. http://www.amazon.com/B00ISKW2VY/
              We also have an extra cell phone on our plan that is technically for my husband’s business but that we leave at our house always for babysitters to be able to call out on – its some kind of special grandfathered in plan that only costs us $10 a month for the line and then we pay by the minute for the calls.
              Also very useful to call my phone with when its lost somewhere in the house and my husband isn’t home.

17. I know some of you have cut off relationships with family members, mothers in particular, so I’m looking for advice as the sibling in that situation. My sister wants nothing to do with my mom, and I understand and respect her decision. I have not done the same though so I still have a relationship with our mom. In the past when my sister has tried to explain her feelings to my mom, however, my mom won’t listen, gets defensive, and says my sister is “wrong” and “selfish” and the only one who feels the way she does. Thus, my mom continually “doesn’t understand” what she did wrong to make my sister want to cut her off and acts like everything is fine. My mom always plays the victim and is very selfish, emotionally, so it always turns into how hurt she is about how my sister is treating her. I’m constantly in the middle of my mom asking questions about my sister and as many times as I tell her that it’s not my place to answer them, she won’t stop. If I tell her that my sister doesn’t want anything to do with her (nicely, of course) then she’s “devastated” every time. The only other family member my sister talks to is my dad’s sister, and my mom does the same thing with her – asks her questions about my sister’s life, what she’s doing, when she’s coming in town, etc. My aunt does answer her questions though, which is a separate issue. It comes to a head when, like this week, my sister is in town and so I get texts from my mom saying things like “maybe I can tag along if you guys have dinner, if [sister] doesn’t mind.” It’s complicated by the fact that my dad is no longer alive and my mom has no life of her own. She works and that’s it. No friends, no hobbies, nothing. But that’s her own doing and she hasn’t accepted my gentle suggestions of finding her own life and things she enjoys doing. Any advice for being in the middle and maintaining a relationship separately with two people who no longer have one? Thanks.

    1. Hang up. “Mom I’m not discussing sister with you.” Then hang up, leave, or ignore. Step out of the middle.

       1. +1. It really is this simple.

          Here’s the thing, it feels like it’s not this simple, because your mother has created a whole narrative about herself that you – either consciously or unconsciously – are buying into. Oh, she’s a widow! She has no one! Poor woman, how sad, she only has two daughters and one of them has OMG ABANDONED her for NO REASON and it’s DEVASTATING. And you? You get to be the “good daughter” who still talks to her and humors her and indulges her in the narrative she’s created about herself. Stop it. Seriously, stop it. Don’t answer questions, and don’t get into a protracted debate about why you’re not doing it. “Mom, I’m not talking to you about sister, let’s talk about ::other thing:: instead.” If she can’t handle the topic change? “Okay mom, you know I’m not going to talk to you about sister, so I’m going to go now. Talk to you tomorrow.” Then go. Leave. Disengage. For texts/emails, just plain don’t answer messages that mention sister.

          You’re making this a lot more complicated than it needs to be because you’re seeing yourself as “in the middle” (a place I’m guessing mom has placed you for much of your life). You aren’t in the middle. Your mom and your sister are two adults who can manage their own relationship (or lack thereof) entirely by themselves. You’re not their mediator, you’re not their family therapist, you’re not the magical family interpreter who is going to say just the right combination of things to get mom to “see the light” and change enough for the relationship to be restored – you are an entirely separate third person who has no business with their relationship. So step away from it.

          Also, go read Captain Awkward’s archives – she writes GREAT advice on these types of situations.

          1. This to the billionth degree.

             My sister was “in the middle” when I stopped talking to my mom. Then, she’d be resentful because she was “in the middle”. Um, no you are not, this has nothing to do with you.

             I get that your mom is trying to make you “in the middle”, but you need to be clear with her that you won’t be.

             My sister decided she wasn’t going to do it any more, and our relationship is much closer again now. We don’t discuss my mom, and she doesn’t discuss me with our mom.

          2. +1, this is great advice. I know I still struggle with secret hopes of somehow “explaining” everything to my mother so she magically changes her behavior. It’s really hard to disengage from that.

    2. I think it’s critical that you sit down with your mother and make it clear that your sister and her life are topics that are off limits for discussion. That your relationship with your mother needs to be independent of whatever relationship she does or doesn’t have with your sister. Which, I suspect is more difficult in practice than in theory. But, you can’t allow your mother to put you in the middle, and I think you need to tell her that.

    3. I live this situation as my sister no longer talks to dad. I still am not on best terms but I have detached myself emotionally so I can answer his calls and have some very politically correct discussions.
       When it comes to sister I am not discussing the topic. He will sneak in a question or two and I will not discuss sister. I will repeat this as much as needed because when someone takes a decision, I have to respect it.
       Also, if I’m making an effort to let go of the negative feelings and maintain a semi-normal relationship with a parent, they need to appreciate me making that effort instead of making me regret the act of reaching out to them by constantly using me as a bridge to other sibling.
       This might be a chopped paragraph (maybe not correct English) but I hope you got my point.

    4. I have this situation going on, and it sounds like our mothers could be similar (extremely selfish; able to make everything about herself; victim role playing; also splitting mine and my sister’s roles into evil + good). Right now, my sister and I are both in the “off” position with our mother, but we’ve maintained relationships with her at different times before.

       If I’m reading you right, and not pasting my experience over yours, any big sit-downs and discussions you have with your mother are going to serve as opportunities for her to create drama and excitement around herself. You could talk all day and not reach her – because she’s not listening to you, she’s feeding off of you.

       To make this work, you are going to have to learn how to maintain clear boundaries with her. This is going to be really hard, because over the years she’s probably walked all over your boundaries. Make sure YOU understand what you are and are not willing to discuss. You don’t even need to tell her – in fact it’s better if you don’t. Just be clear within yourself, and stick to it. For example, when my mother starts in on how I should call my sister and tell her to contact her mother, I end the conversation. (Walk out of the room; stop replying to the email thread.)

       Another thing that helps is being really, REALLY boring, factual, and emotionless. Don’t feed the beast.

       And finally – this situation will probably never be 100% OK, so give yourself a big hug and give yourself permission to take mother vacations when you need to. I block my mother’s email and phone during stressful periods in my life. I have to.

       Some more resources —
       Look up borderline personality disorder and see if it fits.
       Emotional Vampires: dealing with people who drain you dry, by Albert Bernstein
       Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward

       Seeing a counselor can also be a great way to work on your own personal boundaries.

       Good luck!! and again, take the above with a grain of salt, I’m talking about MY experience and you have to decide if it applies to yours. :) hugs

18. DC- area ladies, can you suggest some free or cheap date ideas for a friend of mine? DC restaurants are amazing but pricey!!

    1. Museums! Spend an afternoon in the Smithsonian of your choice. Similarly, opening nights at art galleries usually have free apps/drinks along with the art.

    2. Any of the smithsonians (don’t forget the zoo). An afternoon at the zoo and then dinner at Amsterdam Falafel sounds amazing.

       Ice skating, hiking (great falls, Shenandoah), kayaking in Georgetown or Navy Yard if you’re active.

       The Post’s going out guide weekly chat always has fun activities, many of which are budget-friendly. I try to read the archived issues every couple weeks.

       Union Market and Eastern Market are fun and low-key.

       1. +1 for Amsterdam Falafel. I go pretty much every time I’m in DC!

    3. Look for small plates places and go at a later time (like 930) so its not quite dinner. look for deals like free corkage nights

    4. For weekend dates right now, I recommend an hour or two in the Botanical Garden Conservatory, then Teaism (Penn Quarter) for tea or a light lunch, or Chinatown Coffee. For weeknight dates, check out the happy hours at Union Market ($1 oysters!), or pretty much all over DC. Some of the museums stay open until 7:30 on certain nights as well.

       1. There is a Teaism next to the White House too — nice walking spot (although not really this time of year).

    5. These are perfect suggestions. I love museum/zoo/hiking/kayak dates. And the Posts guide often features free street fairs and things like that.

       A few other things, as the weather gets warmed Jazz in the Garden is free and an awesome event, as well as walking around the tidal basin. Also, you can sometimes get super cheap tickets to the baseball or soccer games and that can be fun. Another random one, groupon/living social often has crazy cheap tickets to the boat tours out of georgetown waterfront. I love going on those when the weather is warmer, and they normally have cheap drinks on them too.

       DC is actually awesome for cheap dates.

19. How do you handle phasing out old friends that you either don’t click with or just don’t like as much anymore?

    One of my friends from my late 20s was fun to do things with when we lived in the same city. Now that she’s moved, I’ve started to see a different side of her. While I think she’s still probably a good movie or shopping partner, I don’t really like who she is at her core. She seems to define herself through expensive purchases and can be quite snobby about it. And I feel like whenever we talk, it’s all about her and she barely asks about me. I almost feel like a therapist!

    I’ve tried just not initiating contact, but she always finds me and tries to set up a phone chat. I don’t DISlike her, I guess, but I feel like at this point in my life I have such limited time for relationships that I want to focus on the most important ones.

    What should I do?

    1. Be unavailable. I refuse to set up phone chats entirely. We will talk when we talk of not at all.

    2. I have had to let go of some toxic friendships over the years, and in my opinion, the “slow fade” is the most effective.

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