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Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: Buttercup Ruffle-Sleeve Mixed Media Top

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

Hello spring! I’m still seeing snow in the 10-day forecast, but my brain is getting ready for warmer weather. I like the cheery green print on this pretty flutter-sleeved top. I like to pair bold jewel tones like this one with navy suits. Once we move into summer suit weather (usually not until after Memorial Day in my neck of the woods), I think this would also look great with a light gray or white suit.

The top is $49.50 full price but is currently 50% off with code SURPRISE. It is available in regular sizes XXS–XXL, petite sizes XXS–XXL, and plus sizes 14–26. Buttercup Ruffle-Sleeve Mixed Media Top

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Sales of note for 12.5

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338 Comments

  1. I need to replace our embarrassingly frayed and ancient Walmart bathroom towels. Don’t want to break the bank, but something a little nicer quality than our college leftovers would be great. Just looking for regular sized bath towels, solid color (dark grey or chocolate brown), 100% cotton. There are way too many options out there. What are your favorite bath towels?

      2. I agree that Threshold towels are thin. But I have some from Target from a brand called Fieldcrest Luxury that I really like. They are thick and fluffy and have held up really well.

    3. I’ve been well served by the Ralph Lauren towels at Macys – get them on one of their many sales. Slightly more $$ but they go on deep discount after the holidays – the RH ones are lovely, thick, and wash beautifully.

        1. +1 Same. I have a few from when I worked at a Polo outlet in high school… I’m 36 now lol

      1. I bought towels at Target at Christmas and was very impressed with the quality and the selection. And their prices are really, really reasonable.

        I have towels from JCPenney that have held up very well over the years, but when I was looking for towels (and ended up at Target,) JCP’s selection was awful and their quality seemed to have declined.
        In all honesty, the best towels I have ever bought — probably about 15 years ago, still have them and they still look really good — came from Kmart. Bought them on a whim when I was walking by, saw them on sale and figured “oh, I could use a few new towels.” They have worn like iron and I would have definitely bought more this time around but there are no more Kmarts in my area. I don’t know if any exist anywhere else or not.

    6. I switched to peshtamals and will never look back. I know some people prefer terrycloth so I kept some on hand for guests, but to me woven towels feel gentler, lighter, and dry much faster.

    7. If you have a costco membership, that’s the intersection of cheap-fast-good where towels are concerned.

    8. More expensive but they wear like iron, I like the Coyuchi Turkish towels. My current set is going on 6 years and they look new. They’re the Cuyana of towels

    12. I have dark brown towels and have always gotten them either from JC Penney or Wamsutta Ultra Soft Micro Cotton from Bed Bath and Beyond.

    13. Charisma towels from Costco are great as are their cotton sheets. If you are not a member, you can still buy off their website.

    14. I’m Sam’s Club member and their 100% cotton towels are great, and like 6 bucks each.

    17. Macy’s Hotel Collection Turkish Cotton towels. I think they’re on sale right now. Super soft and absorbent

    18. I’ve had Nautica for ~10 years now and they’ve held up exceptionally well. Not a fan of the Target threshold ones.

  2. Yay! Fruegel Fridays! I love Fruegel Friday’s and this pretty top! And the 50% off COUPON is great! And more importantly, there are a full size listing available, not just for petites or plus sizes, and we have plenty of time to buy it now b/f we wear it, which won’t be until after it gets warmer in NYC!
    My Grandma Leyeh has asked that I come visit her this weekend, and I will do so b/c she has had some strong digestive issues, and she is not anxius to have to take the train or bus down from Riverdale to meet me in the City. I have to tell Myrna that we won’t be able to watch Marrage Story this weekend and we were looking forward to it, but since it is on NETFLIX, we won’t miss it. Everyone says is it is good, and Scarlett Johnson is a great actress–I saw her in the Bill Murray movie and thought I could be like her many years ago, but look where her career went (UP). But she is not married either, so mabye my love life isn’t to bad. I have to leave work early today to get up there, b/c I am staying over tonite and we will go to a Deli tonite for corn beef! YAY!!

  3. What would you say on an initial phone screen when you want to explain why you’re looking for a new job after less than a year? The real issue is I was lied to during the interview for my current job about what the scope of my authority would be and I don’t have the ability to create the changes that need to happen for the department to be successful…and top leadership does not want to hear about it. I can say some version of that, but it’s so negative and I fear it makes me seem ineffective.

    1. The role turned out to be very different from how it was described in the interview process? I agree, saying “I wasn’t allowed to overhaul the department as promised” does sound a little much and might scare the company thinking you’d be one of those “I’m new and know better even though I have no background yet” people… even though that was what you were purportedly asked to do.

      1. +1 the role turning out to be very different than described during the interview process is a great answer and also gives you a perfect segway into explaining why the job you’re interviewing for is appealing to you.

        1. I would tweak that to be even less negative — “early on the role shifted from what I want to focus on, and while I enjoy a lot of aspects of Y I want to continue to do what I really love of X (X being what you’re interviewing for).

  4. Another towel question. I have had two Aquis hair towels develop mildew within a few months, despite the fact that they are always hung up to dry in a well-ventilated room. Any suggestions for a hair towel that won’t mildew?

    1. I think anything will eventually get mildew that’s repeatedly wet, even if aired out. Can’t you throw it in the wash? Sorry if I am misunderstanding and you tried that.

      1. Um, yes, I washed the towels weekly, and my bath towels get wet but don’t get mildew.

        1. Um, ok, no need for the tone. It wasn’t clear from your post and I acknowledged that in my reply. Some people aren’t aware you can wash micro fiber materials.

      2. My mother has also told me not to use fabric softner or dryer sheets when drying towels for this reason – also, maybe get a white one and run it through with a splash of bleach every month or third wash or something?

    2. We (me, girls with long hair) have the Turbie towel and also the turbans and they have worked well.

    3. Sometimes towels get a mildewy smell shortly after being washed because you used too much detergent. I know, it sounds super counter-intuitive, but you’re only supposed to use a tiny amount of detergent on a towel load! Which does mean no detergent pods, you need liquid stuff you can measure out.

      1. +1, and don’t use fabric softener.

        With stinky towels, I’ll do a wash cycle with a cup of white vinegar (no detergent) and an extra rinse. Then I’ll follow up with another wash using 1/2 the detergent I think I need and dry normally.

    4. Curious about this as well. Are you talking about a persistent reddish/brown tint int the towel? Washing on hot, w/bleach, w/hydrogen peroxide — nothing seems to get rid of it & our other towels all seem clean. I use Method liquid detergent, no fabric softener. I wonder if maybe actually powdered detergent would be better for microfiber?

      1. Tiny gray spots all over the towel that don’t wash out. I have tried Method, Tide, the super extra strength Seventh Generation that’s recommended for cloth diapers, a detergent formulated for synthetic activewear, and OxyClean. Nothing works.

        1. That’s mold. It happened to my sheets when they got wet. Bleach or throw it out.

      2. When my cleaning lady washes my stuff she throws in white vinegar with baking soda, and the linens are always fresh, ecxept mabye for my Egyptian Cotton Sheets, which my ex ruined. She used to work at a hotel in Atlantic City, and she said people did EVERYTHING with their linens, so I am happy b/c after my ex used my pillowcases for unmentionable things, they always seemed to come out fresh in the wash.

    5. I use an Aquis and have never had this problem. Could it be the hair products that you are using cause the towel to hold moisture?

    6. I have this problem. I use Tilex Mold and Mildew on the towel, and then wash. I don’t think it’s particularly related to mildew-smelling towels, as I have never had that issue in my home (thankfully!) but do have hair towels with black spots. Use a well-ventilated room when you spray it and leave it on for a while–at least 30 mins or so.

      1. PS This has worked better than EVERYTHING else I’ve tried, including: bleach, vinegar, low/no detergent, no fabric softener, etc. I have to do it every six months or so but have been known to be lazy and just leave it for longer. Doesn’t seem to hurt anything but does gross me out.

  5. Anybody else in Houston? What a crazy day it’s been! And on the first night of rodeo cookoff, no less. I bet that guy feels terrible!

    1. Yes, it has been crazy. Houston – the city where it floods even when it isn’t raining! Thank goodness for my husband who boiled a huge pot of water at 6:30 a.m. so we could have fresh coffee.

      As for the guy feeling terrible, maybe he does, but failures like this are systemic/institutional failures. From what I understand, maybe he made a mistake, but he never should have been put in a position to do so. And even if he did, there should have been backups/contingencies in place to mitigate the problem far faster than it was. At least that’s what I would tell him if he asked me!

      1. Interesting, why shouldn’t he have been in that position? I hadn’t read that.

        On a positive note,I kept seeing that the neighborhood near there had flooded, but I finally saw a statement from Turner saying that no water had entered homes. Phew!

        1. This is based on my understanding that an excavator hit the pipe. To my mind, there should have been better warnings, better labeling, better training for the worker, a work plan that did not include driving an excavator anywhere near an 8-foot-diameter water main, etc. I realize accidents do happen, but an ounce of prevention, etc. But I haven’t analyzed it in real detail. Just saying, it’s not like, oh Bob Jones alone ruined things for the whole city of Houston! A lot of things had to go wrong for that pipe to rupture.

          1. The way it’s supposed to be is that before you do any work that involves digging, the city sends someone out to mark where all the If You Hit This, It’ll Be Bad pipelines are. (If you’ve ever wondered what’s up with the random hot pink/orange/white spray paint markings on sidewalks and streets, they’re pipeline markings.) Armed with this knowledge, you can dig and avoid hitting things.

            I don’t know enough about this specific situation to know whether the issue is that the supervisor on the site didn’t get someone to come mark the pipelines, or they were marked incorrectly, or what, but something went seriously wrong and it probably wasn’t the excavator operator’s fault.

          2. I totally agree. The city and utilities will come out and mark lines for free, usually within a day or two of requests. Any person that works in construction should have known better.

          3. Yes, I’m here on vacation and tried to take my nieces to the Children’s Museum yesterday – the pipe burst just as we pulled into downtown and everything in the museum district was affected. Fortunately they were happy just to run around outside. We’re in the burbs but I saw that even some restaurants out here are only serving bottled water.

    2. Yeah, schools closed down, all the bottled water in the office is literally being stolen by the case and hoarded. It’s not pretty.

  6. Sigh. Ladies, it’s time for me to admit to myself that the black 3.5″ knee-high leather boots I bought and wore only twice (1) hurt my feet and (2) don’t really fit with my style at this stage of my life. Please commiserate — what items in your closet do you know it’s really time to get rid of, but the guilt from buying something you never used is making it way too hard?

    1. Zip-up jumpsuit from Asos – I bought it last spring and have never worn it. It looks cool on but my DH hates jumpsuits and it is too casual for work (exposed zipper in the front, etc.).

      2. wait this is fashionable right now! don’t get rid of it, wear it on the weekend with golden goose sneakers and a mini bag.

      3. Um, depending on the size I might want to take that off your hands. My obsession with jumpsuits has only grown since I bought my first one two years ago.

      4. If you like how it looks, I would wear it regardless of my husband’s feeling about jumpsuits. Go for drinks with your girls and rock it!

    2. A backless minidress I’d purchased for a vacation in my early 20s. Oooh it was fabulous, but the party I’d planned on wearing it for was rained out. And it was just too much look for nights out at home. Now… even if my hips could fit into it (hah) there is no way I could forgo a supportive bra! But I can’t quite let go.

      1. I just gave away a dress like this – a few days before valentines day, in fact – on my local Buy Nothing group. It feels good to send it along where it will get used :)

    3. Ugh, a silky, sexy bodice that was too risque for me to wear in real life and too uncomfortable to just wear under some normal clothes…alas!

    4. A pair of leather biker boots that DBF bought me (at my request) for Christmas a number of years back. I’ve never worn them. I don’t know what I was thinking when I asked for them.

      1. I may have been to too many Black Flag concerts back in the day but I love a non-heeled boot and would probably wear them to work with a dress and black tights (BigLaw, casual office, I am pretty senior).

        What size?

      2. i have been wearing biker boots to the office almost every day this winter. they are a good commuting shoe and look bad*ss with a suit. ymmv.

    5. Last year I finally resold a pair of cowboy boots that never fit right, and this year I have a pair of LK Bennet flats up for sale that were final sale in my size but weirdly never fit.

      I am clinging to two pairs of sock boots that I can only put on when my back isn’t hurting and I can reach both feet, which is apparently never.

    6. I bought a matching bra and panty last year in this super cute floral design, I knew they weren’t practical for everyday use but I wanted to celebrate my recent weight loss. Welp, turns out I hadn’t actually gone down a full band size yet, and these bits of elastic were poking into my skin all day. I’m still holding out hope that one day I will lose enough weight for the bra to fit though . . .

      1. You could buy a bra extender. Cheap and easy.

        I am actually between band sizes and was always complaining of bras being too tight or too loose. This is the solution.

        1. +1 to this. I needed a couple of extenders and got multi-packs in different colors, very cheap, on Amazon. You just need to check on how many hooks your bra has.

    7. A BEAUTIFUL white mini dress with a large ruffle on the front I bought last Spring. I am 40 and literally have no where to wear this. I’ve thought about asking my husband to go somewhere with me fancy literally JUST so I can wear it, but not sure where that would even be.

      1. I vote for a fancy brunch (either hosted by you or at a restaurant) to celebrate warmer weather when it arrives!

      2. Wear it for dinner on your anniversary! I am considering purchasing a white minidress for this purpose.

      3. Host a Kentucky Derby party and invite all your friends to come be fancy with you!

    8. A $400 long black chiffon dress that I got for my friend’s outdoor but black tie specified wedding. I had it hemmed for 3″ heels and didn’t wear a bra to the fitting so it’s also weird around the boobs. I had this idea that the dress was timeless but I never wear 3″ heels or need long black dresses and really should have rented the runway.

    9. A couple of moto jackets I got for petty cheap from Ann Taylor, but still a waste. I think I bought things for a lifestyle I don’t have, plus I have to admit that moto jackets don’t look great on me. Ditto a couple of sheath dresses, although I might be able to dowdy them down for my super informal work place.

      Things like this, I sell on Thred Up for a few pennies, then I take my pennies and buy cocktails to console myself.

      1. Consider selling on Poshmark for a much better return. I seriously regret everything I ever sent to ThredUp.

        1. I am also having major regrets about ThredUp. I sent them a bag in January, tracking shows they got it two weeks ago but they still haven’t even acknowledged receipt on my account, much less started processing anything. Is Poshmark better?

          1. Poshmark is closer to an ebay type experience where you list it yourself and they just take a small cut. More work but better return. I’ve had good luck there selling name brands that people are likely searching for – Rothy’s, J.Crew, Everlane, mm lafleur. Also, I love Poshmark for ridiculous things that I love from Boden but would never pay retail for…e.g. glitter rainbow lightning bolt breton shirts.

    10. Adding to my own list:
      – the sun hat that’s slightly too small for my head, so I went through an entire sun-soaked summer without ever wearing it poolside
      – the “Football Mom” hat my husband bought me. I’m not a hat-wearer, nor do I have any children who play football
      – all the pilled shirts I bought for $20 two or more years ago. At this point, I’ve gotten my money’s worth out of them and should invest in something fresh-looking. (Related, should I donate these or just throw them out?)
      – The fancy matching pajama set I never wear because it’s not comfortable
      – The bras I only wear when I run out of clean ones in my preferred style–since that style costs $25, I should just buy enough to last between laundry days.

        1. If the shirts are truly un-wearable, cut them up and use as cleaning rags.

    11. Basically every pair of heels over 2.5 inches. Post baby, and chasing a toddler – heels do not work for me right now. But in my DINK years I spent SO MUCH on fashion I have a hard time parting with anything now! The guilt, and the $ that could have gone to investments, kills me!

    12. Olive brooks brothers pants that match a blazer I really love. I convinced myself that having a matching suit is always a good idea but the pants just don’t go with the blazer at all. They are quite slim around my generous behind while the blazer is cropped (which looks fantastic with dresses, including the matching one but not these pants) and I can’t figure out what shoes to wear with them even if I chose to wear these as separates (full slim leg with a slit at the back – touch too long for flats, too dainty looking with heels given the generous behind).

    13. Way too many beautiful shoes that I can no longer wear because of the heel height. My hip starts to ache if I wear heels higher than 2 inches.

  7. I have a work conference in Las Vegas. A couple of events will be early in the evening (7ish) in a nightclub. People may stay on for a bit and it’s a fun and celebratory time (I will be in bed by 10, but that is late for me when you factor in the time change). The men wear suits to the conference or business casual (business emphasis). Women are either 20ish or 50ish (not sure why the disparity), often in dresses vs suits. I’m staying onsite and feel like I shouldn’t wear my work attire and I’m almost 50 / size 8, so clubwear in a work setting is not what I should change into (not that I have anything like that). But what to wear? I have a black Leota faux wrap and I think that that is the only thing that might work. Maybe with either Ferragamo-type low block heels or a short block heeled sandal. I don’t want to look too MiddleAmericaInVegas (which I absolutely am) but just good. [I feel like the younger set can get away with denim and heeled sandals but my jeans are utilitarian and I can’t quantify it really but don’t think that any of them would fly.] Like what would Helen Mirren wear? IDK. Help!

    1. I would go with shoes you know you can walk in, because every venue is so massive. The dress sounds fun. Can you dress it up with some fun accessories? Vegas is a good place to wear the two-big earrings you never wear at home.

    2. I have been to these events a zillion times, and every time I’m awkward about what to wear.
      I’d wear more dramatic earrings, pointy flats or boots (a pointy toe always makes me feel less frumpy) and a leather or moto jacket over my usual work or dinner outfit.
      I have done this over a black sheath dress, over a blouse and jeans, and over a pencil skirt and thin sweater – every time I feel covered and professional, but also I feel like the pointier shoes, bigger earrings, and moto jacket give me a bit of a mood change.

    3. I’d go party on the top, practical on the bottom – for me, that’s a long sleeve silky blouse, statement earring or necklace, and a red lip (ymmv on that one), jeans and flats that are comfortable (Vegas is soooo much walking that anything heeled would murder your feet). Probably a situation where I’d go with Rothys frankly.

      1. Just got back from finance conference in Vegas and I think that in the practical women’s shoe dept the number of Rothys (mainly black but some colors / patterns) > Varas by a ratio of 3:1. Previously you saw them on staffers but now they are solidly in the rotation among attendees.

        I have a pair, but they don’t look good on my feet (duck-shaped) and are the round-toe ones. The Rothys at the conference were 100% the pointy-toe ones.

  8. Hey, I know that our Dear Leader can’t seem to give straight answers on coronavirus, but no worries, our stocks are doing great and the economy is booming, right?

    Oh. Wait.

    In all seriousness, as a person with an immunodeficiency, I am beyond angry at how this has been handled. I understand the statistics and the science reasonably well. But when a mild respiratory infection turned into pneumonia and landed me in the hospital last year, I am extremely cautious about things. And pissed that I have no idea whether to trust our government to relay accurate information. (And would not be surprised to hear Pence tell us to pray harder to fight it.)

    1. Trump is a shitbird and I hate him as much as anybody, but other than being stupid and not a very good speaker (certainly not good at calming things down), what else would you have him do? The things you can do to minimize/prevent the spread of Covid-19 are the same things we all should be doing during any cold and flu season. The CDC and state public health departments don’t screw around. They’re not having it with political BS. It’s just… there’s nothing more for you to do except what you should already be doing.

      1. Well putting Mike cigarettes-don’t-give-you-cancer Pence in charge of the response is not a good first step. It also seems like there have been some major gaffes, like having government workers assist the cruise ship evacuees without the proper protective gear and then release them into their communities with no warning to self-isolate. In a week or so I think we’re going to see a lot of cases due to this. I don’t know that Trump is *personally* to blame, but his whole administration is incompetent and that incompetence is definitely making us all more likely to get it.

        1. Public health experts at the CDC > Mike Pence. For actual, credible information, go to the CDC website, as well as your state and local health department sites. Those folks are not political appointees and don’t have time for that stuff.

          1. I’m not insulting hard-working CDC employees. But there are 700 unfilled positions at the CDC because of a Trump-mandated hiring freeze. This public health emergency IS at least in part the Trump administration’s fault. See https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/to-your-health/wp/2017/05/19/nearly-700-vacancies-at-cdc-because-of-trump-administration-hiring-freeze/ (written two years before anyone had heard of coronavirus, so not a retroactive attempt to lay blame at his feet…)

        2. If you think that Mike Pence said that cigarettes don’t give you cancer, I suggest you read the entirety of what he wrote.

          But that relies on you understanding what a “primary source” is versus having other people do your thinking for you.

          2. One of the worst HIV outbreaks in decades was the direct result of Mike Pence’s actions, so yeah I’m not optimistic about his ability to tackle the coronavirus.

      2. Well for starters he could have listened to the CDC’s advice and separately quarantined the 15 infected Diamond Princess passengers from the 300+ healthy passengers, instead of flying them all home together. Now those 300+ passengers have been exposed and are just out there in society. Further, he ignored recommended precautions for federal health workers, who were exposed. This is how the virus will spread. He dismantled the pandemic response team implemented by Obama. He is ignoring the CDC’s advice and recommendations every step of the way. So… Yeah I’d have him do the opposite of all of that?

        1. They aren’t just out there in society. They were quarantined on a US Air Force base for 14 days and I think are still there.

    2. I feel like you really can’t trust China on this, so we’re about a month in to finding out what is really going on.

      BUT if worldwide mortality is any guide, it looks like hosts generally stay well enough to transmit it a bit and then recover (vs something like Ebola). I can’t say definitely, but the people who died might have already been quite sick or elderly.

      I think for all of us, the message is: wash your hands.

      1. We know more about the people who died than that. It definitely hits the elderly hardest, but we know it hasn’t only killed sick or elderly people.

    3. Sigh….

      Maybe you need to make an appointment with your doctor to talk about manager if your anxiety about this.

      I take care of someone who is severely immunocompromised. He has regular IVIG infusions. He is elderly. We keep antibiotics at home at all times so his doctors can tell us when to start something immediately to keep him from an ICU admission. He is the demographic that is most at risk of dying from a cold, that can turn into pneumonia.

      And I am not worried. At all. And neither is my family member.

      And if you do truly understand statistics, and basic differences in health care access, and how to wash your hands….. Well, then I didn’t know what to tell you except see your doctor.

      These daily posts of yours are getting tiresome.

      1. I’ve been trying not to take the bait lately, but man, you go out of your way to be a jerk, don’t you? I’m Anon at 9:54 and this thread is for us. Your elderly family member (if he or she even exists) isn’t the only one dealing with “severe” immune deficiency and doesn’t get to dictate how women in the working world handle their conditions and how they monitor epidemics.

        1. I won’t take your bait.

          We can only control ourselves. And I have been quite surprised by the daily anxiety on this site. I do understand how the news loves to flame it.

          I am doctor.

          1. +100

            SO tired of this relentless conversation just because it’s an illness that didn’t start in the US. Freak out about the regular flu that kills 55k people a year.

      2. I’m the OP of the thread and haven’t previously posted about coronavirus, FYI. And I feel like I’m managing my anxiety pretty well – I still go to work and the gym, pick up my kid from daycare, etc. I’m not letting it ruin my routine.

        My point is that we have an incompetent government that we can’t trust to mitigate the harm here. They had workers accompany people home from China with no precautions, and those people have been in their communities and on commercial flights since, FFS. Meanwhile they’ve directed actual scientists and CDC folks to not speak to the media unless the message is cleared with the VP. It’s just stunning. This is an administration that lied about a hurricane and crowd size. You really think they will tell us the whole story here?

        1. IDK but if you send a kid to daycare and you are surviving the germ load from that, I think you are doing OK and will continue to do so.

          1. Seriously! I am not in any way immunocompromised and I’ve had six colds, two bacterial infections and one viral pneumonia this year alone, just from kids in daycare. If your kids’ daycare germs aren’t landing you in the hospital on a regular basis, you will survive this virus.

          2. Anon at 10:35AM, you may want to make sure you’re not in any way immunocompromised. That’s enough infection in one year to qualify for a screening.

          3. @Anon at 11:11, I actually work in healthcare so I know plenty about this. It’s a common misconception that if you get sick a lot you must be immunocompromised, but the fact that you catch colds and other minor illnesses very frequently doesn’t mean your immune system isn’t working well. It simply means you’re being exposed to lots of germs (which, yes, thanks daycare). In people without kids in daycare, it may be indicative of poor hygiene practices, but not immunosupression. Doctors only worry about your immune system if your body takes a long time to clear colds and other minor illnesses, or if they frequently develop into secondary infections. Only one of my colds turned into something more serious (the pneumonia); the rest I kicked in just a few days. My doctor has no concerns about my immune system. But thanks for your concern.

          4. Anon at 11:20AM, that makes sense. I may have misunderstood the screening criteria that I was shown or ignored the kids in daycare qualification.

            I only recently learned that my history of getting sick too often and too severely probably means my IgA deficiency is symptomatic. But I definitely take weeks, not days, to recover from something like a cold, and I often need antibiotics for secondary infections, so that was probably all taken into consideration.

          5. I agree that Anon at 10:35 has enough infections to qualify for a screening with one bout of pneumonia and two bacterial infections. That’s pretty textbook.

        2. At this point in time, I trust virus-related information from the Chinese government more.

          1. Really? A country with an unfree media might be right, but I like the whole trust-but-verify stuff. I’d trust the news coming out of South Korea and Japan and now Italy. China, we’ll see how that info fares as we get a larger / more vetted data set.

      3. Does your elderly relative stay at home mostly or get up and go to work and mix in the general population?

        See how your example seems way less relevant now. Your elderly relative is not relevant to this discussion but you are rolling in like everyone else’s view in need of anxiety treatment. Slow your roll and find somewhere else to entertain yourself.

        1. Even more risky… my elderly relative goes to clinic/rehab/hospital almost every day for therapy/Dr appointments/treatments etc.. at least 4 times a week on weekdays. That is way riskier than going to work. The hospital/clinic is full of nasty, antibiotic resistant bugs and sick patients. There are people wearing masks all around. So what do we do? Wash hands like crazy, hand sanitizer with us. Use as soon as we leave the clinic room, and again when we get in the car. Hand sanitizer at the front door of his house when we enter. And we do all the things you know are important for staying strong and avoiding infection (sleep well, eat well, exercise well, incentive spirometer/cough exercises/breathing exercises/Mucinex/D-mannose and methenamine, clean technique with home procedures, keep the house clean, hydrating very well with sugar free drinks that have extra electrolytes, daily skin checks, avoid guests in the home who are actively sick, hand sanitizer for anyone that enters the house, monthly IVIG treatments).

          I realize this is a stressful time. You can’t see that you are actually just stoking the fire. Your nastiness could be just … nastiness… or anxiety or……?. Only you know.

          But then again… I am stoking it too by responding to you. But you are being inappropriate.

          1. I have no clue what you are talking about. 10:51 is my only post.There are multiple Anons if you can’t tell. I rarely pop back to the main site from the Moms site.

            Hospitals are full of infection control measures, tons of hand sanitizer and lots of medical professionals who regularly wash hands. It’s not exactly hopping on the NYC subway every day.

            But honestly LOL @ your suggestions that others need anxiety treatment, you are obviously super defensive and angry about this.

          2. Dr here

            I think the poster was indicating that people in the waiting rooms, clinic rooms, bathrooms, walking the halls coughing on you in the elevators, touching the elevator buttons etc.. . in medical settings/hospitals tend to be sick, and not washing their hands regularly. So yes, they are places to avoid unless you really need to be there. The bugs there are worse than what you pick up on the subway. MRSA, VRE, ESBL etc.. And have you noticed when you go into a clinic room, a cleaning person go in before you entered to wipe down the room? No… that is not routinely done. The nurse might “change the paper” on the bed, but not wipe down the drips or things patients touch etc.. And often the techs do not wipe down the equipment to check vital signs between patients. It is what it is.

            And actually, hospitals are very risky places for picking up secondary infections. That’s one reason we are in such a hurry to discharge patients. The longer they stay, the higher the chance they pick up a pneumonia or a UTI… usually carried into their room by a doctor/nurse/tech/cleaning person. We are far from perfect in keeping hospitals clean, I’m afraid, but getting better.

    4. Fellow immune deficiency reader here. Agree with everything you said, but I’ve found it really hard to get people to understand or be helpful in any way. I can’t even get coworkers with the flu to stay home or at least stay away from me so I’m nervous for what happens in my city (SF) related to coronavirus.

      1. Most of your co-workers do not have the flu. They have a cold. You know this. Unfortunately, it is not realistic or appropriate to tell your co-workers to stay home for every cold. It might be nice, but we can’t do it. Don’t you think we would like to?

        It is your responsibility to do your best to take care of yourself. Ask for accommodations at work, if you are getting admitted for multiple pneumonias per year, wear a mask to protect yourself if you have trouble keeping your hands away from your face or you have people sneezing ? n your face at work, and sit with your hand sanitizer at your desk.

        1. Thanks for the condescending lecture and the usual defense of bad coworker behavior, but I’ve managed to survive and thrive without input from the keyboard warriors du jour. I didn’t ask for your advice or input. ✌️

        2. Yeah, I’m almost 20 years out of school and have worked in some pretty chill workplaces and have never worked anywhere where it was ok to stay home for every cold. An especially bad cold, sure. A flu or vomiting bug, definitely. But many people (especially those of us with kids in daycare) catch 5-10 colds per year, and you simply cannot stay home for a cumulative 5-10 weeks every winter – nobody would ever get any work done.

          1. We’re talking about people who come to work with the flu, not colds. If that hasn’t happened in your office, be grateful!

          2. How do you know though? The symptoms are basically the same, except a fever is more common with the flu. Are you going around sticking thermometers in your co-workers ears?

          3. Because the types of idiots who come into the office with the flu tend to announce it and be dramatic about it, presumably in performative displays of dedication. Don’t be dense.

          4. And the people who announce it are exactly the people who don’t have it. You think all of them have been to their doctor, had a nasal swab, been diagnosed, are on Tamiflu, and came in to work? Most of them are not.

          5. Omg, why are you SO stubborn and eager to defend these people? Have you been one of them? Yes, everyone makes their own choices, but own your decision to hurt others who are more vulnerable than you. It’s the least you can do.

          6. I’ve never gone to work with a flu diagnosis, no. But I’ve seen multiple people here suggest that it’s selfish and thoughtless to go to work with anything contagious, even a cold, and that’s what I’m pushing back against. At least in the US, we don’t have a culture of staying home every time we catch a cold. Most of us don’t have the sick leave to do that and even those of us who have lots of sick leave on paper aren’t expected to take it for minor things – it’s there in case we have a serious illness or surgery that comes with a doctors note. Work from home is a great option for those it suits, but it definitely doesn’t work for every profession. Teachers, for example, can’t work from home.

          8. “but own your decision to hurt others who are more vulnerable than you. It’s the least you can do.”

            Oh good grief.

          9. Does anyone remember the ’09 swine flu epidemic? Was there a similar level of panic as coronavirus? I seem to remember a lot of worry about travel and even some school closings, but in the end much less than 70% of the US got swine flu (I was one of the unlucky ones and although I was miserable for a week I didn’t get seriously ill). I don’t remember the same concerns about the economy and supply chain disruption, but of course the economy was already in the toilet then.

    5. I am no fan of the administration, but I do feel better know that while Pence is ‘in charge’ he actually put Ambassador Dr. Deborah Birx in charge. She has a stellar resume, and was appointed in 2014 (yes, an Obama Administration holdover!) to run the US global AIDS program/PEPFAR. From what I’ve seen people have been very happy with her work.

    6. I’m with you. My daughter and I both have asthma and are pretty much guaranteed to be among the 20% of people who develop severe cases and need to be hospitalized, but I’m sure that by the time we catch it hospitals will be totally overwhelmed and not able to help. All of the “don’t worry, 80% of people have mild cases and only old people and those with underlying conditions will get really sick” reassurance is just not reassuring. It comes across as “don’t worry, virtuous young healthy people will be fine, and only the old people who made themselves sick through poor lifestyle choices and deserve to die anyway will be at risk.” Sorry, but my kid and I didn’t ask for asthma and make very healthy lifestyle choices. We don’t deserve to die of coronavirus.

      1. Asthma isn’t one of the risk factors for serious illness from coronavirus. The articles I have read said the health conditions that raise your risk for complications are heart disease, high blood pressure and diabetes, which, are much more correlated with old age and poor lifestyle choices than asthma (I understand not everyone who has these diseases made bad lifestyle choices, but statistically the correlation is there in a way it isn’t with asthma). Something like 80% of people have a “pre-existing condition,” so I assure you not everyone with an underlying health condition will get seriously ill from this virus. And your age matters because young people have stronger immune systems, and will fight off the virus before it ever settles into the lungs so your asthma won’t even be a factor. I have asthma, as well as an autoimmune thyroid disease, and am not worried about it at all. I’m in my 30s and the death rate for 30-somethings is 0.2%. It starts ticking up after 50 and goes up dramatically after 70. I’m much more worried about my parents than I am about myself.

        1. “Chronic lung disease” is very much one of the risk factors for being more susceptible to complications from it – this includes asthma and COPD. What sources are you reading?

    7. First step – if you have an immune deficiency make sure you’ve received your flu shot and a pneumococcal shot (if possible) now as it takes a few weeks to confer any immunity levels.

      1. Hey, I’m sure you’re trying to be helpful, but that’s kind of insultingly basic advice for people (including me) who have to deal with these challenges. We’re also talking about coronavirus, not flu. People with any kind of disability get pretty tired dealing with this kind of “helpful” comment so I thought I’d let you know it didn’t land as you surely intended.

        1. This is a fashion blog. Someone posted a reasonable response that is not just for you, but for anyone reading this site. You’d be surprised how many people are not reminded to get pneumonia vaccines when they should be getting one. Shoot, my father just saw his immunologist yesterday and he didn’t even ask if he had his flu shot yet. People forget. Doctors too.

          Do you post on primaryimmuno board? That may get you more of the responses you are hoping for. It is geared towards folks with the genetic/severe immunodeficiencies who are on immunoglobulin replacement, but others with immunodeficiency for other reasons (eg. lupus etc..) can post. It is good for keeping things in perspective.

        2. I mean, if you don’t think it’s helpful just ignore it? There is no need to call out advice that is truly meant to be helpful/not snarky, even if it’s basic. It’s the internet not an in person conversation.
          Also, a LOT of doctors don’t tell people, even the immunocompromised about the pneumonia shot (mine didn’t and she knew I had asthma, I had to request it). So I think it is actually very useful information.

          I think there are one to three ill-intentioned people that are going through the comments and writing mean things to bring this forum down. We should probably collectively ignore them.

        3. The advice to get the pneumonia shot is really useful. It may be protective against this virus (or serious complications from it) and many people don’t know about it, even if they’re under the care of a doctor. Stop being snarky.

          2. +1 I’ve been getting the flu shot for myself and family for years and I didn’t know a vaccine for pneumonia existed!

          3. I have been under the impression that the pneumonia vaccine is not widely covered by private insurance – i.e. only certain populations could get them?

        4. My response wasn’t snarky – it was intended to help inform the poster that suggesting health 101 tips to people with severe immune deficiency is very tone deaf. I would want someone to do the same for me (respectfully, as I did) if I made a similar style of comment to a wheelchair user or someone dealing with a different illness. I’m allowed to share that opinion.

          1. But you could be nicer about it? And this website is not just for you, it is for all of us?

            If you want non-tone deaf responses, you should post in the immunodeficiency boards. If your goal is to educate, which I agree with you is a great idea, then your approach could be a little softer.

          2. Ok, what specifically wasn’t nice about my response? I read it again and I’m truly not seeing what was rude, harsh, or otherwise disrespectful about it. Help me out here.

          3. You were being rude because you told the person that they should not have posted info that you perceived as obvious in your particular case. It’s a public board. You started the thread but that doesn’t mean every bit of info on it has to cater specifically to you. If it doesn’t apply to you that’s fine, but threadjacks and mini jacks are totally common. It was advice that’s useful for other posters.

  9. I’m very much not someone who plays into the hysteria of things like the coronavirus (I work in disaster response so it takes a LOT to faze me) but my dad texted me today telling me to take my retirement accounts out of the stock market today. I was planning on waiting it out. Am I being too cavalier?

    1. If you’re retiring next week and planning to turn everything into cash then, then sure, take them out. Otherwise, leave them. Time in the market beats timing the market (and selling low is a bad idea)

    2. No, it’s terrible advice to take it out, especially if you’re in your 20s or 30s (which I assume you are because of the dad reference). Even in the Great Recession, the stock market returned to pre-recession levels within 5 years. Unless you expect to retire within that timeframe, this won’t affect you at all.

          2. I’m very seriously considering getting a Robinhood account this weekend and getting in on these low stock prices. I have a 401(k) but I’m not super invested (hehe) in managing it, I’m leaving that to the professionals, but I’ve thought of doing a little manual investing in addition to my retirement plan and this seems like a good time to get my feet wet.

          3. I don’t really understand “buy the dip” advice – doesn’t that assume that the market is at or near the bottom of this drop? The Dow Jones could easily lose another 10,000 points over the next year or so and then you’ve basically bought high, right? I’m continuing retirement contributions as normal, because none of us know what will happen and I have the money budgeted anyway, but this doesn’t seem like a time to be throwing tons of extra money at the market.

          4. Anon at 10:09 – I am certainly not a sophisticated investor and I 100% appreciate the point you made and don’t dispute it. Of course it could drop more, but I am not interested in trying to time the market. I am also not going to invest so much more money that it will affect my financial stability in any way – only money that I can afford to lose regardless. If it goes down again before it goes up, so be it.

          5. Even if it dips further, the stock market is sure to rebound so it’s really a question of if you buy at a 10% discount or a 12% discount. Even if it dips further, you’re still buying at a discount.

          6. That’s kinda my thought, it could drop keep dropping (and honestly, probably will, so I’m not in a humungous hurry to buy) but it will also recover eventually, so I’ll still make some sort of profit when that happens.

            I’m not looking to get rich quick here, but a little extra money for a house, a new car, or a wedding, or international travel (when this all blows over of course) would be really nice.

          7. I “bought the dip” in that I was paid today and part of my paycheck goes into a 401K and I’m not changing that

    3. Is your father a professional financial adviser? If not, I wouldn’t heed his advice. Our plan is to wait it out because really, what else can you do. I can’t imagine it making mathematical sense to pull out the money and pay taxes on it rather than ride it out for the next several years plus until you actually need it in retirement.

    5. Absolutely not, that’s a guaranteed money loss. If you need that money to live, for example in retirement, you should start building your emergency fund. I’m heading towards retirement, and am saving funds to cover what I might need from my stock to last two years. The intent is to not panic sell, deplete your capital, and then be working with a lower base for years. Please note, this emergency fund is not my living expenses, but to cover the percent of my expenses that’s be funded by my portfolio.

    9. Excellent! I was planning on buying the dip and waiting it out so glad to hear the confirmation bias!

      I was honestly shocked that my dad was advocating doing so! (Parents are ~10 years away from retirement, I’m ~35 years away)

      1. Beg him to talk to his financial advisor wherever he has his accounts and that he should not be selling either!!

    10. Do not do this unless you are in your sixties and are going to need the money imminently. You will lose big time.
      The market is way overdue for a correction. This is a good thing, although it doesn’t seem like it right now. This is both necessary and inevitable. It will be okay.

    11. ROFL. Are you kidding me? The markets will recover. The number that matters is what it’s worth on the day you retire.

  10. Does anyone have a robot vacuum, and hardwood floors, and pets? If so, which one do you have, and how effective is it?

    1. We have a Eugene robovac and have been mostly pleased with it. It handles the hardwood floors and cat hair relatively well. Only real gripe is that it stops working when sunlight hits it the wrong way because it thinks it’s about to go over a stair ledge or something.

      2. Our pet has passed but we love the Eufy. (Kids are just as messy, just not as much hair – ha.)

    2. I have the I-life vacuum which has served me faithfully for years and magnitudes cheaper than a roomba. No cats but multiple dogs and it makes a big difference. It goes over hard wood and low pile rugs and collects all those little things I wouldn’t notice until I empty it for the week and see all the grossness that was on the floor. I definitely notice a change in how smooth and clean the floor felt (no little dusties, dog hairs or tiny crumbs)
      I also went from having to sweep and vacuum every other day to once a week.

    3. I have a roomba 600 series (bump and turn) upstairs and a 900 series (mapping capabilities) downstairs. We have pets and pet hair issues and they do a great job. The only think we have to do ourselves is swiffer the stairs – they haven’t invented a stairs roomba yet!

      1. +1 Roomba 900. We have hardwood floors and area rugs. The Roomba does a great job on one rug but not the other (which has a slightly longer nap). It’s fantastic on the floors (which is especially great in the kitchen where a toddler-dog combo is slowly trying to bury us in cheerios and fur). I chose the Roomba over the Neato because of the ability to section off an area with a small electronic box as opposed to a magnetic strip on the floor but didn’t look into other brands much. Running it every day really helps, but even then the bin fills up before it finishes the floor (~800 sq ft). It does not eliminate the need to vacuum, but it reduces it substantially.

    4. I have a neato (prob 4 years old) and am meh on it, mostly because of how this particular brand is programmed – it goes in straight lines, rather than the random pattern of the roomba. I thought I would like it more but it ends up getting stuck in corners, on furniture, etc a lot more than I would thought, and I feel like a random pattern would help it navigate better. It does good at what its supposed to do (suck up dirt and hair), but I have to babysit it to get it to actually clean the whole house.

    5. Roomba 980, Siberian husky, and a combination of hardwood floors and rugs. Could not imagine life without it; I would probably drown in fur.

  11. I’ve been dating a new guy for about month now and it’s going really well (which is extremely unusual for me), but now I’m in the phase where I’m constantly wondering where this is going and if he wants a serious relationship etc etc etc. I’m 34 so I don’t exactly have time to waste and I don’t want to date just for fun. I know he doesn’t have a ton of relationship/sexual experience so I wonder if he’s ready for a real relationship. Arrrghhh. Dating is so hard.

    1. Ask him! After a month of dating it’s totally valid to ask if he sees this heading toward a serious relationship or if he just wants to date casually.

    3. If he doesn’t have a ton of experience, perhaps it’s because he’s more serious and doesn’t want to bother with relationships that aren’t going anywhere?

    4. My husband did not have much dating experience at all when we met (him: age 33), and he talked engagement after 6 months.

    5. I realize this is anecdata, but I think guys you don’t have a ton of relationship experience may just assume it’s serious without a conversation? I asked my now-DH “Where is this going?” on our third date, which I knew was against all the rules, but I was falling for him really fast and wanted to get out before I got hurt if he saw it as just casual. His response was “I thought you were my girlfriend.” We didn’t meet online and I know the rules for that are a little different, because it’s much more common to date multiple at once, but I still think there’s a good chance this guy will have a similar response if you talk to him.

      1. I had a VERY similar experience with my now-husband. I got annoyed that he would wait until near the end of the week to make weekend plans. When I went off on him for assuming I’d be free for Saturday night whatever, he said, “I am sorry for assuming, but I thought you were my girlfriend andI just assumed we’d be together on Saturday.” Still not ok to assume, but that disarmed me.

    6. If you want this to be a serious relationship, you need to be able to ask these kinds of questions.

  12. My kid (elementary school) had to take a survey asking whether they identify as male, female, non-binary, or gender-fluid.

    I am a pretty liberal person, but this strikes me as 1) a bit much for elementary school kids, 2) this is the sort of information that kids may rightly want to keep very private and not be demanded to answer, and 3) I cannot really describe to them what exactly the difference is between non-binary and gender-fluid in absolute adult terms (much less ones that would make sense in a world where they have yet to kiss anyone in a romantic way). I have explained to them that over the course of history and in some countries, Mommy does things every day that are things that historically men do or are thought to do (good at math, drive, vote, own property in my own name, transact business, have professional licenses, work outside of the home, kept same name I had at birth) but that I feel that I am most definitely a girl, so it is Murky.

    1. I agree with your point 2. But holy wow, being trans has nothing to do with being a girl who is good at math or works outside the home or keeping your own name after marriage. If that’s the case all the women in my family are trans going back to my great-grandmothers. These are just (pretty insulting, tbh) gender stereotypes and the idea that you would suggest to a child that their gender identity might be “murky” because they don’t conform to gross, sexist stereotypes is just….wow.

      1. You’ve hit the nail on the head for why there are extreme problems with this subject as a social movement.

        1. OP here — I get that, but as a parent, you get a lot of questions on the fly that you get to answer without rehearsal (and without creating alarm, etc.). Like this. “I do a lot of things that historically and culturally are thought to be the province of men but I do feel that I am nevertheless a woman despite that. At some churches, only men can preach. At our church, both men and women can preach. I have no idea why school had you fill out a survey on this. How was your day otherwise?”

          1. ““I do a lot of things that historically and culturally are thought to be the province of men but I do feel that I am nevertheless a woman despite that. ”

            Yikes. Yikes yikes yikes. Come on. Things that were historically and culturally the province of men were historically the province of men because men created social, economic, and political structures that prevented women from doing them. Not because men, biologically, were the only ones capable of doing them. Your framing of this is just so bizarre and misinformed I almost don’t know where to begin. I don’t think a survey in elementary school on gender identity is appropriate but I do think you need to make the effort to educate yourself a little more.

          2. But you’re just conflating two totally different things. Identifying as a different gender has nothing to do with your skills or professions or whether you like things that are stereotypically associated with your gender. Transgender people feel like they were born in the wrong body and have the wrong parts. It has nothing to do with a girl wanting to be a rocket scientist or a boy wanting to be a ballerina. I’m a parent too and I know kids’ questions can catch you off guard, but the proper response is that you need to think about it and get back to them later, not to spout off a totally offbase explanation about gender identity that implies to your child that women who work as engineers are somehow not as fully women as housewives. I’m a female engineer and your explanation to your kid was deeply offensive and sexist.

      1. +1. This seems completely inappropriate for elementary school. Has there been push back from other parents?

    3. Yeah that’s absurd for elementary school, especially given that the vast majority (>90%) of dysphoria in kids resolves without surgical or hormone intervention by adulthood. Every single human on this earth is “non-binary” – absolutely no one is a walking talking Ken doll or Barbie doll and your sex cannot be erased or changed (as becomes abundantly clear when women develop ovarian cancer or encounter an unexpected pregnancy. Women and men can do and be anything and there are no behaviors, activities, or interests that are “like a woman” or “like a man” beyond gross stereotypes. Your biology only matters for your s.x life, your reproductive health, and the extra challenges you will face if you are a woman because of how little every culture and society values our worth and how much they value our reproductive potential.

      That’s what I’ll be teaching my kid when the time comes.

    4. I agree, this is just not a survey that should be given to children. What was the purpose? Why does the school need to know the gender identity of their students? I would not be happy. It’s one thing to have an assignment where they discuss different types of gender and gender roles and a whole other thing when they force students to answer a survey whose answers go to the school/school district.
      Also, unless you’re like I am Jazz and know your gender is different, a kid that young may not even be thinking about or exploring their “gender identity” and it’s just another teenage/adult topic being put on their shoulders. This is all around no bueno.

    5. As a social science researcher, I wouldn’t do this without IRB approval and informed consent from the parents, and I would be concerned that elementary-aged kids wouldn’t understand the question or the answer choices and the results would be inaccurate.

      1. Yes, this. This is how you bring it up to the school.

        On a different note, you should teach your daughter that if she’s uncomfortable with personal questions at school, she does not have to answer them. (To the extent that such answers are “necessary,” someone can contact you, her parent, and you can tell her answer.)

        1. In general, I don’t answer personal questions or provide personal information unless I’m legally obligated to do so. If someone insists, I just lie. Teach the little ones not to answer questions if they don’t understand or aren’t sure, “ask my parent” is a valid response.

        2. I think this is an important life lesson in general. It’s frequently the case that questions don’t actually need to be answered just because they’ve been asked, and there are often good reasons for not answering.

          1. Exactly.

            Q: What grade did you get on your science test?
            A: Why are you asking?
            A: I’m happy with how I did.

            Q: Do you want Joe to ask you to the prom?
            A: Why are you asking?
            A: Stacy, Mary, and I are going as a lesbian throuple. Sorry to you and Joe for missing out on the action.

            Q: How much money do you make?
            A: Why are you asking?
            A: Enough to be comfortable.

            Q: When are you going to have kids?
            A: Why are you asking?
            A: If we have a baby, we will send you a birth announcement.

    6. I mean, I feel like the terms “non-binary” and “gender fluid” are weighty concepts, but I don’t think “do you feel like a boy, a girl, both, or neither? Do you feel like one on some days and something different on other days?” is a big deal. I’ve felt like a girl since I was a kid (I’m a cis woman, so no one’s ever doubted me on that). A school asking to make sure kids feel included and not excluded seems like a good thing to me.

      1. I don’t think that kids should be told to out themselves though. That is weighty stuff and I feel like the risk of stuff going wrong with that info out there far outweighs any benefit.

    7. Agree that this is weird for kids so young. I’d try to find out what this survey is supposed to yield. I’d imagine the predictive value of those answers for the kids’ future gender identity is similar as asking them “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

      1. Exactly. My 5 year old telling you that he wants to join the Paw Patrol when he grows up provides no useful data.

    8. Totally inappropriate for this age group.

      My K student told DH he wanted to be a girl after Christmas because I made him wear a bow tie at Xmas and girls don’t wear bow ties. He was relieved when DH told him that we could just talk to Mommy about not having to wear a bow tie anymore and he didn’t have to be a girl to avoid bow ties.

    9. Was gender identity a primary focus of the survey, or was that just a demographic question on a survey about a different topic? Either way, it sounds like poor survey design if the respondents were little kids.

    10. Lol what? I would just check off their birth gender and bring this up at her next pediatrician visit. They’ve got years to figure this out and besides, it’s fluid.

    11. Well, start by basic education for yourself because everything you said is bad and uneducated.

      1. really helpful comment. I am sure this mom was looking for exactly that kind of advice posting here.

          1. yeah, I think it is wrong to answer a parent genuinely seeking advice with a verbal slap in the face, without offering anything remotely helpful at all. I can see no upside to this.

  13. I developed laryngitis after 3 non-stop days of talking at a work conference two weeks ago … and it still hasn’t fully come back. Went to the doc but I’m also pregnant so couldn’t get any meds; doc recommended absolutely no talking. Been doing that for 3 days and tried talking this morning; not much better. Been doing lots of salt/warm water gargling, tea, cough drops, etc. Any tips??

    1. Honey! I used to be a vocal music major and there are lots of throat sprays singers swear by, I don’t have a specific brand to recommend. Another counter intuitive tip, whispering is really hard on your voice, worse than actually talking. So avoid whispering, just write it down or actually talk.

    2. If you can take an antacid, try that – a doc told me that years ago and it usually works for me, but not sure if that’s “meds” or not in the pregnancy context

    3. It may be too late in the game for this to help you but I swore by this when I worked in radio. Melt a Hall’s honey-lemon cough drop in hot tea and drink. It doesn’t taste very good, but it’s very soothing and it saved my voice enough to get through a lot of airshifts over the years.

      I also agree with the antacid recommendation. With being pregnant, you may have some reflux that is causing irritation to your vocal cords. If you can’t take antacids, check with your doctor about baking soda in water. It works the same as an antacid (sometimes even better in my experience!) and may also help if your laryngitis is reflux-induced.

    4. Green tea with honey and lemon. If you don’t like green tea, let your water cool a minute or two after boiling – green tea is meant to be steeped at something like 180*F, not 210. More honey than you think you need, then some more (it breaks down or something at high temps). Works for me every time.

    5. Honey — you can try Zarbee’s cough syrup (my dr okayed during pregnancy but obviously double check w/your own if you want).

    6. Pineapple is my secret medicine for this. It has a compound that reduces inflammation in the vocal chords.

  14. I had a bad cold all week – went through multiple boxes of Kleenex. I feel much better and am back at work, kept my date planned for tonight. Unfortunately, my face is RAW. Under my nose and above my mouth is totally dry, flaky…painful. Is there any way to gently rub it off and/or cover it up? Work knows I’ve been sick, date knows I’ve been sick, but I’d still like to look a little nicer for a third date.

    1. If you had asked yesterday, I would have suggested a thick layer of Aquaphor overnight. But I would still try it now, and let it sit as long as possible before wiping it off.

    2. For chapped lips, I use a homemade scrub of coconut oil/sugar to exfoliate followed by some lanolin. That should work on the affected skin as well. Can you run out at lunch and get lanolin (the Lansinoh that women use for breast-feeding is pretty easy to find).

      1. +1 vaseline right now! Have fun on your date!

        Also both kleenex and puffs make a “with lotion” type of tissue that I now buy exclusively because it’s better on my nose during the extended colds.

    5. Aquaphor is what I use on my kids (who have perpetually runny noses from Nov-March) and it helps a lot. I second the tissues with lotion, which helps reduce the redness a lot. I’m allergic to everything, but you can get ones that aren’t scented and made with a natural lotion (I think aloe vera) that don’t bother my allergies.

    6. Aquaphor and don’t put too much makeup on, because the dryness and flakiness will be accentuated and much more visible. I know that from experience.

    7. I buy the light blue version of chapstick that says “medicated” on it and I just apply it directly underneath my nose. Works really well.

  15. Does anybody do anything creative to acknowledge adult sibling’s birthdays without doing a traditional gift?
    Until now me, my brother & each of our spouses have exchanged gifts for our birthdays from the other couple and I think we are all just over it (the accumulation of stuff we might not need, trying to think of something year after year, the usual…). That being said, I wouldn’t mind doing *something* to acknowledge birthdays amongst us, but not sure what. I was wondering if there was some sort of consumable or something we could do each year to try not to reinvent the wheel each time – but change it up each year just enough to make it special or something, so it doesn’t feel like we are just trading each other for the same thing over and over? Or maybe the 4 of us do one big dinner out a year (we live near each other) to celebrate all of our birthdays? (We see each other semi frequently but always with all of our kids/our parents).

    Curious if there is anything others do?
    (And yes, I know, there are plenty on here that likely do nothing more than a card/call if that, which maybe is the right answer for us, but for this particular question I’m looking for other suggestions). Thank you!

    1. My family is very anti gift for bdays and holidays.I like to take my siblings out for a meal or bake them something or make some other consumable. I literally have no idea how they feel about this because they don’t always reciprocate, but I’ve made a jar of homemade pesto, pickles, chocolate chip cookies, take them out to lunch, bring them flowers…. I mix it up.

    2. My husbands sister makes my husband a food from his childhood for his birthday. He loves it and hoards it (parcels it out and freezes it and eats it over a few months). Other consumables—wine and silly birthday cards are big in my in-law crowd. Also there, we get together about once a quarter at least for birthdays and the birthday person picks the dessert (very much an eat a feast at home crowd, you can always go out to eat if that’s not your thing).

    3. What about going out to a show, play or concert together? I bet, now that y’all are are older and busier, spending memorable time together is more rare and special and would mean more than gifts.

    4. If you enjoy socializing together I’d suggest that you meet up twice a year and toast whoever had the most recent birthdays. Summer birthday dinner and Winter birthday dinner or whatever. Each couple pays for themselves.

    5. My family has a tradition of going out to a nice meal for every birthday so we all eat a nice civil meal together at least five times a year – we see each other once or twice a month otherwise but it’s usually at some event together, church or kid school play, or casually hanging at parents home spread around the house. We’re basic and so don’t choose fancy places (mostly chains or delicious mom and pop places), but let the birthday person choose the restaurant. My parents give gifts but they can’t help themselves, siblings and sibling spouses rarely do.

    6. I like the idea of the annual adults-only birthday dinner!

      In my family I sent my ne’er-do-well (read: chronically unemployed and broke) brother a substantial cash birthday gift for years and then finally stopped when I got sick of him never acknowledging it. Don’t recommend that.

    7. This is a know your audience type thing, but a Cameo is hysterical for this type of gift/event.

    8. We never officially agreed on this but we all just basically buy each other bags of fancy coffee beans for birthdays and are all quite happy about it.

    9. I like the idea of one day each year with just the four of you. I know someone who does that with her sisters (pedicures and lunch) and another who does it with a couple of close friends (they chose a groupon for something novel – glass blowing, go carts, segway tour, etc).

      I donate blood on my brother’s birthday. It’s a bit of an inside joke, but essentially I do something good in his honor.

    10. In our extended family that are all in the same city, all the birthdays either cluster in July/Aug (including my kids) or Dec/Jan. So we just do one summer-birthday and one winter-birthday celebration. For the upcoming summer-birthday one, we are going to take everyone axe throwing. (Everyone – my mom, me/spouse, sister/spouse, my young adult children and 16 yo niece.)

  16. That blouse is reading very frumpy and grandma to me. Maybe with a jacket it would be better but on it’s own it doesn’t look professional or stylish.

    2. I think part of the problem is it’s styled with white pants and the model is in front of a white background… she looks like a floating shirt/head.

  17. Is it weird to accept a job offer immediately when they call you? I’m not exactly sure why, but I have it in my head that you should tell them you’ll think about it, even if you know you want the job. Am I just bring weird?

    1. I think the reason for that is so you have room to negotiate. If you’ve accepted, you’ve lost your negotiating power to ask for more money or better benefits. If you can’t/don’t want to negotiate, then I see no reason not to accept on the spot.

    2. If you don’t know you should at the very least ask for full information on the benefits and ask for a few days to consider them. It is foolish to accept it immediately then come to find out healthcare is 4x what you pay now and there are only 5 days of vacation.

      1. I recently got an offer where healthcare was 10x my current cost. Glad I asked for that info!

      2. An offer letter generally includes benefits information. It may also be publicly available (it is at my employer). So I wouldn’t assume she doesn’t have this info.

        2. The OP specifically said “when they call you” — the call usually includes salary and bonus info and maybe PTO, but I wouldn’t expect the hiring manager to go into a recitation of benefits. So I wouldn’t say “sounds great” until I’d seen the fine print about benefits, etc, as that might impact whether I’d ask for more salary to compensate for, say, more expensive premiums.

    3. “I’m excited about this. Please send me the written offer as soon as possible so I can see all the details.”

      That way you’ve communicated that you’re in a position to accept, but protecting yourself.

  18. Charleston recommendations needed! I’m going on a girls’ trip to Charleston in April with college girlfriends – they’ll be eight of us. I’m in charge of planning an activity, like a ghost tour, pub crawl, or some other find kind of excursion/tour/activity for us to do. I’ve never been, and would love any recommendations from the hive!

      1. Cup of Jo too. Also Gal Meets Glam lives in Charleston and has a whole section of her website about it. TBH, most bloggers have been to Charleston in the last few years. It’s one of those super trendy spots.

    2. Go on a walking ghost tour at night and then go out for dessert and drinks at Kaminsky’s. We picked a ghost tour that ended right around the block from this place and then had an incredible dessert and cocktails. Hands down my favorite part of the trip.

  19. Looking for advice and a sanity check on potentially changing companies for a bigger role while pregnant.

    I am about 14 weeks pregnant with my first child, and am being recruited by a company for a “dream” role with much larger responsibilities (I am not a lawyer – I am in a specialty HR function, would be going from one in-house role to another in-house role with expanded scope). This company has a reputation for being a women-friendly place to work, with strong work-life balance, and this role would be building a function as the company expands globally — exactly the kind of role I would be looking for as my next gig. I would likely start working by April, and due date is late August – so only 5 months, not covered by FMLA etc. I would negotiate for a paid leave, and it’s not uncommon in my field to give that kind of option for this level.

    My current company values me highly (evidenced through pay and performance feedback), but we are going through a huge merger and there is likelihood to be layoffs in the next 12-18 months… and work is going to be high stress and long hours for me at least for the foreseeable future. Also unlikely I would be promoted to a level equivalent with the other company until after the dust settles with the merger and layoffs.

    It is crazy to consider this, right? I’ve had an easy pregnancy so far, but there are no guarantees for health later, much less how I will feel after having the baby. I am lucky to have good partner support and planning to hire out for help as much as I need to after leave. I have always been someone to push myself in my career – so my gut wants me to entertain this switch, but the timing also seems terrible. Anyone have similar experiences where they passed on or accepted an opportunity in this position they could share?

    1. Strongly consider the new role! I’d much rather be in a higher level new job than administering layoffs (and potentially getting laid off myself) with a new baby.

      1. +1 Major grain of salt as I have no kids, but I think it would be crazy not to consider the new role.

    2. I don’t see any upsides listed to staying at your company other than “known quantity”. Get in writing the applicability of maternity leave to you from the new workplace and carry on.
      You have months left to get settled into the new workplace. Why would you avoid a dream job simply because you’ll be out for 2 to 3 months? Especially when you predict to be laid off next year? That doesn’t make much sense to me, does it to you?

    3. The general advice on staying in current job is that you have built up credibility and have stability, but that’s not really true in your case given the changes at your company. I’d really consider going for it. My biggest question would be how much travel you will be expected to do and how quickly after returning from leave. It’s hard to predict in advance how you will feel about traveling when you have a newborn.

    4. I found out I was pregnant while in the final stages of consideration for a job as the GC of a public company. I accepted the job, even though with a delayed start (necessary to give my predecessor adequate time to exit and me adequate time to hand off my big law practice), I knew I’d be 3.5 months pregnant when starting. I didn’t notify new job until I started, given the possibility of m/c and the desire to have the results of my cell-free DNA screening back.

      I haven’t had my baby yet but frankly, I’ve felt really good about being in my exciting new role and my new company has been great. There’s something about the scale of the opportunity that has actually helped pull me through some of the exhaustion of pregnancy and I feel a lot better about my future as a working mom knowing that I’m excited about this job, rather than just getting through it for the paycheck like I was in my prior gig.

  20. I’m in Houston where we are on boil advisory suffering with a cold and seriously considering going home at lunch so I can bring my electric tea kettle back with me so I can have hot tea in the afternoon. Is this a crazy idea? Will people decide I’m the crazy one in the office?

    2. Not crazy to go home at lunch, but an electric tea kettle may not make water hot enough to meet a boil order. I think generally it requires five minutes of boiling to be safe to drink, which a tea kettle may not do.

      1. MIne does boil but it does shut off then so it won’t boil for five minutes. I think I’ll run home and make a big tea or two

        1. 5 minutes might be overly cautious. My city recently had a boil order and they told us one minute. But it does definitely need to be boiling for some period of time so if your kettle shuts off when it starts boiling that wouldn’t be sufficient.

    3. If your office doesn’t have a microwave, it seems like it’d probably be easier to stop in somewhere locally to order tea.

    4. For having the tea kettle? I think 90% of people in my office have one, but I’m in a much colder place than Houston, so that might have something to do with it.

  21. Wondering if any ‘rettes might know: my tax preparer this year is asking for account statements re: any foreign bank accounts. In the past, I’ve always filed my FBAR independently – without having to submit any private banking info to my tax preparer, but I’m working with someone new this year. These accounts are below the FACTA threshold, so no mandate to report directly on the 1040. My previous tax preparer was wonderful, I’m less sure about the new one, and a demand for this info ‘before we can move forward’ has just struck me as unusual, given my past experience. My previous preparer came through a recommendation, this is yelp. Is there cause for concern, or am I overthinking this?

    1. I’ve never given account statements when filing US taxes/FBAR forms, but I have given my accountant bank and investment account information (institution, account number, type of account, and max balance over the year).

      1. This.
        We give our tax person an Excel with all information, plus a column with any gains/interest which are relevant to income tax (but usually aren’t more than a few hundred dollars for us anyway).

    2. Anyone can be hacked, so I don’t like to give more sensitive information than anyone needs. I get concerned about anyone who insists on receiving information they don’t need.

    3. 1. Tell them you are preparing it yourself this year and they can move forward without it. If they need a copy for their files you will give them one (and then redact your account numbers on their copy for privacy reasons)

      2. the “before we move forward” language is likely boilerplate. With the deadline coming up (corporations March 15, so if they prepare any corporate returns they are already swamped) they are trying to get their clients to turn in paperwork asap. Some preparers are more skilled than others at communicating this need gracefully.

    4. This is normal albeit I think rather new. I deal with investors and for all of them my tax folks / auditors now require me to determine whether there are any foreign bank accounts or sub investors and if there are they need to be vetted.

  22. Does anyone remember the ’09 swine flu epidemic? Was there a similar level of panic as coronavirus? I seem to remember a lot of worry about travel and even some school closings, but in the end much less than 70% of the US got swine flu (I was one of the unlucky ones and although I was miserable for a week I didn’t get seriously ill). I don’t remember the same concerns about the economy and supply chain disruption, but of course the economy was already in the toilet then.

    1. I don’t remember it really, and I was 33 and reading the newspaper at the time, so I don’t think it was such a big deal.

      1. SARS in Toronto was a major thing – this is actually much less of a thing here so far.

      3. Also, SARS and MERS were both pretty lethal coronaviruses, which made Covid-19 terrifying, at least initially.

    3. Much less worry in ‘09. I was studying abroad then and I don’t recall universities cancelling their study abroad programs, as universities are doing now.

      1. American society in general and universities in particular have become much more risk-averse over the last 10-20 years.

        1. Yes. And the industry around risk management/business continuity planning has exploded, so many people are (probably with good intentions) capitalizing on this epidemic to show their efficacy and importance at work.

    4. Yes there was widespread panic and pandemic training at workplaces. It was good training to have because it was also good training for earthquake preparedness (shelter in place, stockpile for supply chain interruption, etc)

      I have the flu shot, I am a good hand washer, and I have two weeks worth of non perishable food and water for my family. But I haven’t stopped work travel, and I’m not checking my 401K.

    5. The swine flu didn’t shut down a major manufacturing center of China. It also didn’t spread as easily. But it did result in serious illness/fatality of a higher percentage of those that got the illness.
      But yes, there was panic, just not as much since social media wasn’t as ubiquitous – I think this panic is a result of way more information from people on the ground and it’s quick spread to tens of thousands in a matter of weeks, despite containment measures.

    6. No, I don’t think there were as many worries. People were somewhat scared but not to this extent.

    7. It was a big thing if you had kids in day care, but I don’t remember there being fears of entire cities’ being shut down. A vaccine for the swine flu came out relatively quickly, and it was kind of a mad scramble to find it for my eligible toddler.

    8. It was more of an irritating national issue than a worldwide panic event. There wasn’t enough flu vaccine to go around, so I had to wait in a couple of lines to get a flu shot for my then-toddler. Only community clinics in my big city got vaccine doses, and while it was rationed, they gave me a shot even though I technically didn’t qualify as high-risk.

  23. My 40th birthday is coming up and I would love nothing more than having a girls’ trip to celebrate. However, finances are tight for most of my close friends. (They’ve said so; I’m not assuming anything.) Would it be weird if I suggested a road trip to a vacation area in a neighboring state and offered to pay for the cabin/air b&b? It would be an 8- to 10-hour drive away.

    My real dream is to go somewhere tropical — several flights away — but that seems presumptuous knowing what I do about people’s financial situations.

    Or, I could scrap the travel idea altogether and plan a party locally.

    1. I would not be willing to drive 8 to 10 hours one way, but you know your friends better than me.

      1. The general concept sounds great, but 8-10 hour drive is too much. I’d cap it at 3. Are there any options within that range?

      2. +1, even as a born Midwesterner who used to drive 45 minutes to go to Starbucks. I’d happily drive 3-4 hours but not 10.

    2. If finances are tight, I think a local party is the best bet. I would think your friends can’t take time off for that much travel? Even if you pay for the room/cabin, they have to pay to drive there and eat…it all adds up.
      Also, solidarity. I always found it difficult to plan trips with friends, what with different budgets, different interests and different amounts of time off.

      1. I agree with this. A road trip isn’t free and people may not want to use their vacation time for your birthday.

    3. I would do the dream tropical trip (either solo, with a partner if you have one, or with one friend whose flight you pay for if necessary), and a local party. I wouldn’t want to drive 8-10 hours to celebrate a local friend’s birthday.

      1. +1 on paying for one or two people to join you on a tropical trip or invite all the friends to a closer rented house for a long weekend where you host (you pay for the rental and food for the weekend and group activities)

        I much prefer paying if I’m inviting folks to celebrate me (and then hosting whatever works for my budget). And I really didn’t like having to pay more than I felt comfortable paying if I wanted to celebrate friends’ milestones when money was tighter.

    5. An 8-10 hour drive is a whole day’s worth of travel and it may be difficult for people to get time off. And with the coronavirus, people may not want to fly even if they could afford it. I think it would be best to do something locally.

      1. Is there anywhere nice within 2 hours? I would 100% do a road trip to a cabin a couple hours away – driving out Friday night and back Sunday midday.

    6. 8-10 hours basically requires a day of travel on each side. Assuming a weekend, your friends will have to dedicate 4 to 5 days to your birthday on tight budgets – no thanks.

      You really can’t find a place within two hours drive so they can go up on Friday night and return Sunday night with little disruption?
      As a compromise, how about a staycation for yourself at a fancy hotel, then a “day out with friends in lieu of vacation”? Plan a series of events, starting with brunch, nails, afternoon activity and maybe going out to dance later?

    7. Could you take the Air BNB $$ and do a local spa half day followed by lunch (everyone pays own lunch)? You can often get discounts if you are booking a group.

    9. That length of a drive would be a non starter for me for a girls weekend. Could you instead pay for the flights for 1-2 friends to go somewhere tropical that’s not as far? Like, not exotic but maybe 3 nights at the Ritz in Naples or the Breakers in Palm Beach would work if you shared a room?

    10. Thanks for talking me out of this plan. We live in a mid-sized city surrounded by not much else. The only comparable vacation option nearby is likely booked up already but I may look into it, just in case. I’ll probably end up doing something simpler in town. I do like the idea of taking 1-2 friends somewhere. Maybe that’s something to consider.

      I know comparison is the thief of joy and all that, but through the magic of Facebook, I see other friend groups who manage to plan these amazing blowout vacations together and I just wonder HOW? Due to many factors (time/money/lack of babysitting options), it seems to be really hard for my friend group to get together and plan big stuff. Heck, it can be hard to plan a DINNER that everyone commits to. OK, enough of my pity party.

      1. I mean, same. One lawyer at my office is doing a week at an all inclusive with friends for her 40th and I can barely get my DH, parents and siblings to figure out a time for a dinner.

        I think some people plan these things way in advance and tend to keep in touch with other friends interested in similar type travel.

      2. Just to answer your last question….I am kind of the default vacation planner in my group (and most of us have kids). It isn’t easy and doesn’t happen a ton, but the secrets to the trips that have been successful have been…
        1) I identify 1 friend who I think will be the most likely into the trip and that I feel honestly, truly, like if it just ended up being the 2 of us we would still have fun. I work with that 1 friend to come up with basic locations and weekends. Honestly, between the two of us alone we already narrow down to only 1-2 weekends that work. This runs the risk that some of my other besties in this group might not be able to make the trip since I’m not coordinating with everyone’s schedule, but I’ve found once you include more folks you can quickly eliminate every weekend and the trip doesn’t happen. You will catch them all next time!
        2) I then present to the broader group. Like, me and so and so are thinking of doing this on this date. Who’s in? Since I only give one date option, I feel like people find a way to make it work often, even if there is a minor thing that would have made them eliminate it from our options if we all tried together. Also, since it’s presented like 2 of you are going regardless, your friends might take it more seriously that it’s actually happening and FOMO may set in.
        3) I focus on locations where most can fly direct, rental cars aren’t needed, and I only do hotels. I personally avoid Airbnb’s for this as those costs and which one you rent etc depends SO much on who can come and makes it extra hard to plan. I know not everyone feels this way.
        4) I try not to have the trip center on one person’s thing, like MY birthday. I don’t know if I could begin to explain why, but after decades of planning girl’s trips I find nothing makes women crabbier than feeling like they are being forced to travel for someone. I think a lot of the past comments on this board for destination bachelorette parties reflect that. Whereas the same trip for a random “hey, why not?” they are often perfectly happy to do.

        None of this really answers your budget question exactly, if no one can afford the trip no one can afford the trip. But maybe look at the closer comparable option – even if it’s booked for when you had in mind, see when it’s widely available next and try for then. The more notice you can give everyone, the better. This also may help with #4 above since it might not be “for” your birthday then.

        Good luck!

        1. +1000 to your #4. It strikes me as very selfish to expect your friends to spends hundreds or thousands of dollars celebrating you. Only the most wealthy people can afford to spend like that on every friend, so unless you run exclusively in i-banking/Big Law circles you’re basically asking your friends to put you above all their other friends and in some cases even family. And even those who are wealthy probably don’t have the time for more than one or two girls trips per year, but most people have more than one or two good friends, so again, you’re basically asking your friends to put you above all their other friends. If you want to have a girls trip, plan a girls trip with other women who are interested in traveling and mutually choose a destination of interest. It doesn’t need to be centered around your special day.

      3. I think some friend groups are just more travel fiends than others so they’ve set up their lives to be able to do that, and it helps to have a dedicated travel group. I definitely have one set of friends + spouses that I go on a vacation or two with (usually internationally) every year. But, many either don’t have children by choice, chose to live very close to grandparents who are thrilled about babysitting for a week at a time, bank their PTO for these trips and strategically only travel over built in holidays, and live more frugal lives to be able to afford it.
        Basically, it’s easy to have these regular blow out trips if you sacrifice other stuff to do so.

        1. I appreciate the reality check, and I think you’re right. In my particular group, there is a wide gulf in occupations and therefore, time available for vacation. Most of us don’t have grandparent help — though interestingly, the family who lives the furthest from parents actually receives the most help for watching kids for extended periods. Several of us have parents who have zero interest in babysitting for more than 1-2 hours at a time. Everyone is prioritizing family travel over friend travel, which makes complete sense. In other words — it’s not our season to do this.

          1. But you can do a girls trip without grandparents help, assuming the spouse/other parent is in the picture. Don’t give up on the idea of a trip at some point altogether if you really want to make it happen in a way that works!

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