Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Button-Embellished Ribbed-Knit Cardigan

352 Comments

1. What is your typical outfit on an airplane? I’ve generally worn black Lululemon leggings and a zip-up athletic jacket (similar to their Define jacket) over a t-shirt with Vans or similar slip-on shoes.

   Will be flying to Europe for a milestone birthday and would like to look a bit more elevated while still prioritizing comfort. I know that it’s considered safer to avoid synthetic fibers (I guess cotton would be less likely to stick to your skin in the event of a fire?) but haven’t paid much attention to that as of yet.

   1. I’m not much help, I usually wear black leggings, a white T, and a jean or olive jacket with cute sneakers.

      Is your flight to Europe overnight? If so,I’d prioritize comfort over looking elevated in hopes that it will help with sleep.

      1. +1 – If I’m flying overnight I will usually wear leggings/sports bra/t-shirt/light jacket (sometimes with a down vest as I get cold easily). I care more about being comfy to try (and fail, but try) to sleep overnight. If you need/want to look presentable upon arrival I’ll pay for the lounge in my arriving airport to shower and change there or arrange to get into my hotel early to shower and change ASAP upon check in.

   2. That’s silly if your plane is on fire on the way to Europe you die.

      I like Vuori joggers, a t shirt, and a hoodie. Idk if it’s elevated but honestly I find wanting to look elevated on a plane weird.

      1. I don’t think it’s weird. I think it’s a fun callback to when airplanes were new and people did dress up to fly. Plus, it adds to the sense of occasion!

         OP, I’m no help. I wore yoga pants (no I will not call them flared leggings lol), a fitted tee, and zippered athleisure jacket on my last flight to the UK, which was overnight so I wanted to be comfy. I think you can elevate a basic athleisure look by making sure everything fits well, isn’t faded, and choosing cute shoes (fashion sneakers for me).

         I used to travel a lot for wok. When I used wanted to be comfy but pulled together, I would wear pull on pants that looked work appropriate, a nice tee, a scarf, and a cardi or knit blazer. Felt like pjs but looked better.

      2. Not to single you out, but I don’t understand this board’s knee jerk reaction to tell OP she’s wrong for wanting what she wants. Like either answer the question or don’t comment? It’s frustrating even as a reader – and I’m sure for the person commenting – when someone asks for advice about X, and they get 57 comments telling them, no don’t do X, X is wrong and you’re weird for even considering X. Sheesh.

         1. I read Anon at 10:02 comment not that the whole question was silly, but it silly to plan the outfit around avoiding synthetic fibers because if the plane is on fire you’re dead anyway and clothing material isn’t going to change it.

            I do agree with your general premise though. I wish we could just gift posters the benefit of the doubt and trust that they know what they want. Gift threads where OPs don’t want to give a gift card, and then a bunch of commenters make arguments for gift cards, are particularly annoying to me.

            1. GIFT posters the benefit of the doubt? GIFT them this? The use of this word is out of control. The phrase is “GIVE the benefit of the doubt.” Now I’ve seen everything.

            2. To give the poster the benefit of the doubt, that was probably a typo because she had “gift” on the brain since she uses it three times in the next sentence.

            3. If Anon at 11:55 considers this use of a common word to be so shocking, I hope she can start to get out a bit more soon!

            4. It’s not shocking; it is extremely annoying

            5. LOL yeah that was a typo. But fair, I’m talking about annoying posting habits and I went and did one myself.

   3. On flights to Europe I wear black PJs (the menswear style with long sleeves and drawstring pants) under a jacket, scarf and sneakers for the airport. I take whatever I want to change into upon landing in my suitcase. If I fly first, I’ll change on the plane, otherwise in the airport.

   4. You don’t need to look “elevated” on a plane. Nobody cares. Be comfortable.

      1. Seriously. And I mostly fly business. No one cares, trust me.

   5. For the recent trip to Scotland, I wore a long sleeve black t-shirt dress and black leggings for the flight over (overnight). Coming back I wore a short sleeve olive green t-shirt dress and brown leggings. I didn’t mind wearing the black dress around the city while we were waiting for the hotel to have our room ready, and it didn’t show stains from travel.

      1. I often wear a version of this too.

         In the winter, I usually wear slim black ponte pants with either a long sleeve top and a cashmere wrap, or a jacket and scarf. It’s warm and every bit as comfortable as athleisure.

         I find treating public spaces as bedrooms or gyms weird, but YMMV.

      2. The t-shirt dress + leggings is also great when you are changing seasons mid-flight. I pretty regularly fly from Los Angeles to Tahiti, so it is winter in one place and summer in the other. I can just take the leggings off/put them on and not be roasting or freezing in either destination.

         Although I am vain enough that I put my compression socks on in the plane rather than wear them at the airport, which I know is silly.

         1. I wore compression socks both directions. I have 8 pairs in black. They look okay, not great, but they do the job.

            The season change between locations is no joke. We left 80-90 highs and went to highs in the upper 50’s. Being able to be comfortable on both ends was huge.

   6. If I’m flying for work, I wear something that’s comfortable but also work/meeting appropriate in case stuff happens and I need to be work ready upon arrival.
      If not for work, something that’s comfortable but doesn’t look like pajamas/house clothes.

   7. OP here-ok maybe “elevated” wasn’t the best word. Just saying I want a few other options besides my usual athleisure wear. This might be the only time I ever take a trip like this, and just wanted to look a little bit more intentional with my outfit. Thanks for the t-shirt dress over leggings idea.

      1. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting to look elevated, fwiw.

         1. me either. On our last overseas flight I saw a lot of very intentional-elevated athleisure – cute adidas sweats with matching cropped sweatshirt, etc. But if you want to look dressier there are ways to do it!

            1. +3

      2. T shirt dress over leggings is in no way elevated–it reads very “kindergarten teacher” to me. Or maybe just “kindergartner.”

         1. Ok, what outfit alternative do you suggest? Instead of just being snarky, why not give an alternative?

         2. Okay, so do you have a constructive suggestion that does look “elevated” to you? That would be helpful, much more so than just the snarky criticism.

   8. I wouldn’t worry about fire hazards… you’re a goner either way if your plane is aflame!

      I like lightweight fabric joggers (vs. sweats fabric) – JCrew makes a pair every summer it seems.

   9. I’ve got a flight to Europe next week and I’m going comfort all the way. Universal Standard joggers, tshirt, and the pranayama wrap from Athleta. Probably with Rothy’s slip-on sneakers.

   10. For a flight to Europe it partly depends on whether I will be able to shower and change once I arrive at my destination. If I am arriving early in the morning I tend to go with something I can wear walking around the city (with a change of underthings and a clean shirt). That rules out leggings or other athleisure wear (this may have changed but the last time I was in Paris I noticed that those were generally not worn). It also partly depends on weather, both departure and arrival.

       I need to wear compression socks for a long flight so I don’t arrive with ankles the size of cantaloupes, so that means longer pants. This time of year, I would probably wear a light weight pair of black or navy pants that feel like PJs but could pass for something fancier. Definitely a pair with an elastic waist. Then I add a cotton or linen t-shirt and some type of topper (weight depending on temperatures, usually a nice but soft and comfy cardigan) and a large light-weight scarf. I wear my heavier coat if needed over all of that one the plane but take it off when I get to my seat. I always wear my compression socks and usually my heaviest pair or shoes. (I have pre-check so I don’t have to take my shoes off). As an aside, I tend to wear my comfiest soft bra and put on a “real” one once I arrive when I am changing my shirt, but I am a D cup and that might not be necessary if I was less buxom.

       I am coming from the west coast so it is a very long trip for me. It might be different if you are coming from the east coast. Also, I tend to wear natural fibers on top for comfort (I sweat in poly) but agree that if your plane catches on fire the chances that the kind of clothes you are wearing will make a difference is miniscule.

   11. I don’t like to look schlubby when traveling. If it is a long flight, I wear pull-on pants/drawstring pants in a weather-dependent fabric (linen, cotton, ponte, or wool) with a fitted tee and a sweater, in winter, a wool zip-up jacket that coordinates with the wool pants. I generally go with fashion sneakers for long trips. For shorter flights, either business attire or good jeans and a sweater and footwear varies. I don’t really own athleisure but I could probably go for a coordinated Vuori-type outfit for a long trip.

   12. In America is there no such thing as comfortable clothing that is not workout clothes? It so cringe to see people in their gym outfits or pajamas on an international flight. Americans are super obvious in their joggers, skorts that are too short, and bulky running shoes on flights and in the streets of Europe.

       1. Can you describe what Europeans would be wearing instead?

       2. This was your opportunity to suggest a better alternative and you blew it.

       3. You say this like large swaths of Europe don’t wear track suits in many situations.

          1. LOL, right?!

       4. In case you haven’t noticed on this blog and other places on the internet, athleisure has been a thing for many years in the US and it doesn’t look odd here to see people in those kinds of clothes running errands. It’s okay that clothing trends are different in different areas!

       5. So what do you wear for 10 hour flights? Links?

       6. I mean, I wear my running shoes when they’re the bulkiest shoe I’m bringing on the trip–frees up space in my suitcase! They’re not the most elegant, but I have foot issues and sometimes the cute, flat, fashion sneakers don’t cut it.

       7. Europe is full of people wearing sneakers.

   13. Re. synthetic fibers, aren’t flight attendant uniforms all synthetic? They certainly look it.

       1. The uniforms used to be wool, and when some air lines changed to poly, anti-flammable chemicals etc.
          were added and flight crew got terribly ill from their uniforms. There have been major law suits against air lines for this.

   14. I am always cold on a plane, so I usually wear some scoopneck long sleeved black top, jeans, and slip on shoes (low booties, maybe sneakers) that I can wear with socks so my feet stay warm. And a cashmere wrap in my bag to wrap on once we are in the air. I do not get how people are wearing jeans in day to day life that they somehow find too restrictive for flying, but I do find joggers or leggings too sloppy for travel.

       1. Agree on the jeans. I replaced all my skinnies with Levi’s Gold Label straight-leg jeans from Amazon and they’re comfortable for plane flights, car rides, days at the office and everything in between. If your jeans are so uncomfortable you can’t sit down in them for long periods, either A. you’re wearing the wrong size (or rise) of jeans; B. you’re wearing jeans that have too high of a percentage of cotton and not enough stretch; or C. you need to ditch the skinnies, already for something with more give in the legs. It’s okay to wear jeans on a plane that just look like jeans and are not ripped, embellished, cost $400, etc.

   15. Such a fun sounding trip! I often do florida to seattle for work trips, which is almost as long as some flights to europe. My basic uniform: Black or navy pants (i like brooklyns from athleta, everyday stretch from talbots, spanx on the go pants, thicker linen pants). I like a striped tee-shirt in same color as pants, which somehow feels more put together than solid color. I choose ones that are weightier and not prone to wrinkle on me (univeral standard for me). Or i like a v-neck/collared short sleeve sweater. Then i pair with some type of outer layer that is reasonably stretchy (jcrew sweater blazer, stretchy denim jacket, or a nicer zip up hoodie/pullover). I normally wear cute fashion sneakers that are also comfortable. I have a toiletry bag to do make-up/hair touch up on plane or when landed. When i get there i throw on jewelry, especially earrings and a bright lipstick is enough to help me feel more elevated.

   16. If the plane catches fire you’re a goner no matter what fabric you’re wearing.

       I understand wanting to look decent while flying but with international travel there’s a happy medium. I would do a non-sweatpant jogger type pant, maybe something from Athleta. I like a fitted ankle for travel- wide pant legs pool around your feet in the gross airport bathroom. I have a jersey button down top that’s comfortable but presentable. Fashion sneakers are fine. Real shoes will hurt when your feet swell.

   17. Plenty of non-athleisure options! Europeans really don’t wear that much athleisure when out and about.

       Option 1: Everlane dream pants, tshirt, cashmere cardigan, city sneakers (eg Veja, Superga)
       Option 2: maxi long sleeve tshirt dress, knee-high compression socks, flats
       Option 3: ponte leggings, tshirt, chore jacket
       Option 4: maxi jersey skirt, tshirt, chore jacket/shacket

       I’d wear natural fabrics, but just because they feel nicer on the skin, are more breathable and will be less funky after a long flight.

       1. Oh, I really like Option 1!

          I strongly dislike wearing long skirts on planes since they are such a PITA in the bathroom.

          1. I agree that I like option 1.

             Jersey maxi skirt is very dated looking though. And, I’m having trouble picturing an elevated looking long sleeve maxi dress.

   18. Prioritize comfort and change to fresh, neat clothes after landing.

   19. I really hoped some chic jet setter was going to give you an outfit!

       My most elevated plane outfit is a cashmere sweater dress and fleece tights, but that was for when I traveled for work in the winter. The flight was short.

   20. I am really loving these Old Navy wide leg pants for travel lately, including for on the airplane. I wear them with a long-sleeve striped tee, printed cotton bandana around my neck, Eddie Bauer travel blazer, and NB sneakers. I carry my beloved Uggs “poncho blanket” in my carry-on in case it gets cold. And I wear my favorite straw hat on the plane, because it’s not packable, and stow it in the overhead bin.

       Pants: https://oldnavy.gap.com/browse/product.do?pid=407490022&modelSize=M&vid=1&tid=onpl000078&kwid=1&ap=7&gad=1&gclid=CjwKCAjw2K6lBhBXEiwA5RjtCRlt3xD2FY3yucQxG_Ysc59w69jQtg1TwI_GqO4x_KyLSaqUHCulMBoCQhEQAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds#pdp-page-content

       Blazer: https://www.eddiebauer.com/p/21101682/womens-departure-blazer?sp=1&color=Atlantic&size=12&sizeType=Regular&ch=pla&cm_mmc=GooglePLA-_-brand_PLA_B-_-US-_-Brand_-_New-_-0111608045001012-_-817389742-_-online&utm_medium=psrch_pla&utm_source=Google&utm_campaign=Brand_-_New&utm_content=Brand_-_New&utm_term=0111608045001012&gad=1&gclid=CjwKCAjw2K6lBhBXEiwA5RjtCSjZZlXzT2dN-czcBrXeYswwBz7e5NUVZNu4jp-HjmHDuf_2Wn2WIhoCVnEQAvD_BwE

   21. I also prefer to look decent in public settings so on my plane ride this weekend I wore a black 1.State midi dress with Golden Goose shoes. It is a crepe-y material that doesn’t wrinkle. I couldn’t find a link to the exact one but here is a similar cut:

       https://www.express.com/clothing/women/v-neck-twist-front-maxi-dress/pro/07838067/color/Pitch%20Black/?CID=SEO:Retail:Goo:Keyword:none:F:Dresses:

       I had the bombas slippers in my bag which I put on over my socks once I was settled. If I was on a longer flight, I’d do a slip on shoe in lieu of GG for easy trips to the bathroom.

       Clothes often influence the way we feel so a desire to feel sophisticated and put together as you embark on your European vacation makes total sense to me. I do agree that you do not need to optimize your clothing materials for a fire event, though.

   22. I wear stretchy trousers like Eileen Fisher sells, a loose blouse, usually a silk tank, a cardigan of some sort, sheer compression stockings, and cushiony flats. I always have a big pashmina type wrap with me. I pack light and want an outfit I can wear pieces of again on the trip. I will do sink laundry at least one on the trip and everything but the cardigan will dry quickly.

   23. When I fly domestic red eyes, I usually wear a long black Eileen Fisher dress (cotton modal sort of fabric–I have a few in different sleeve lengths) and a scarf. It feels like a nightgown but looks a little more chic, especially when you add sunglasses post-flight. For a longer flight, I’d wear pull on black pants, top, cardigan and scarf–so you can wear compression socks.

   24. Might be too late in the day for this, but I recently flew from the West Coast to Paris, arriving mid-morning in Paris. I wanted to be comfy on the overnight flight, but look ok upon arrival. I wore a black midi, fitted ribbed tank dress from Marine Layer (the Lexi Daytime Midi Dress), with white leather Cole Haan sneakers. I packed a soft cropped hoodie and warm socks in my carryon and had a large silk scarf for an additional layer. I also stuck a spare change of underwear to swap in the airport bathroom. It was super comfy, but I felt reasonably put together upon landing. I don’t like jumpsuits for traveling (bathroom reasons), the midi length felt like it protected my backside from the airplane seats, but was not so cumbersome in the restroom.

   25. Black linen pants and black or grey t shirt.

   26. This is what I just wore on a trip to/from Spain: Black stretch pants with a bit of width to the leg (so they look like normal trousers, and not leggings or joggers with a collar at the ankle), a print-pattern elbow-length or three-quarter sleeve nice looking t-shirt (plus an extra print t-shirt in the carryon; these are for when — not if — you spill crumbs or drinks down your front during the journey), slip-on shoes (like Vans, but not checkered), and a pair of compression socks (which can be thrown in your laundry bag upon arrival), and a comfy layer like a hoodie or cardigan or wrap/shawl type sweater in your carry-on bag, in case it gets cold. No earrings, so that the over-the-ears noise-cancelling headphones will fit nicely.

   27. Long haul:

       Black merino wool joggers.
       Wool compression socks
       Soft tencel, non-wired bra
       Wool top
       Pashmina
       Something with long sleeves, a wool cardi or linen shirt
       Wool or silk knickers

       Unlike lots of other people, I do care about flammability, but also – comfort. Wool and silk is warm and cool and breathable.

2. I’m turning 40 soon and would like to plan a trip with my spouse. The contenders are Iceland, Spain, Greece, Italy or Portugal. Would love to hear you’re thoughts/trips you’ve taken to any of these places. I went to France and London as a teenager so am prioritizing spots I’ve never been to. Cyprus could also potentially be on the list.

   1. Really depends on when you are going!

   2. I’d think about what you want to do on your trip first and go from there. If you want more of a cultural trip (look at art/visit historical places/see plays or listen to music) then I would go with a cultural capital in Italy or Spain like Barcelona/Madrid or Florence/Rome. If you want ‘lay on a beach and eat good food’ trip I’d go with Greece or Portugal. Iceland sounds ideal if you enjoy active vacations, don’t love hot weather, and are planning to go in July/August (I have friends who are big hikers and they LOVED Iceland in July as it was a fantastic break from swampy DC summer weather).

      1. Agree with all of this with one caveat: there is great historic stuff to see in Greece so it can be a really fun mix of culture and beach/lounge time, plus island hopping which I loved.

         1. Greece and Italy are both fabulous for a combination of culture and relaxing. Think Athens + island hopping, Rome + Amalfi or Tuscany, etc.

   3. P.S. we usually take Florida/Caribbean vacations with our tweens, one of whom has special needs, so this would be a rare opportunity to travel together with less stress. Thinking a more active trip vs. relaxing on a beach and will either be March/April or June.

      1. I’d aim for March or April, everyone I know has gone to Europe this summer and said it’s overrun with American tourists.

         1. June is actually pretty nice in most of Europe. It’s July and August that get oppressively hot and crowded. And actually we went to Mallorca for July 4th last year and were surprised by how lovely it. But we spent a lot of time in the water.

            1. Florence was 101 in mid June this year.

            2. Yea, Florence isn’t a place I’d put at the top of my list for June. But many other places are great. I have school age kids so we mostly go to Europe in early June. Except for a few places (Seville is #1, Florence is probably also on the list) the weather in June is a lot nicer than at our mid-March spring break. Much of the continent is still cold and rainy in March, even in the Mediterranean countries.

      2. I would go to Spain then!

      3. I’d probably do Greece or Italy at that time of year. It’ll be a bit chilly in March but if you’re not trying to lounge on the beach then you’ll be fine. I think you’re mostly out of their rainiest months by then, but maybe others can comment.

         Early spring might be a nice time of year for island hopping in Greece, hopefully the cruise ship traffic isn’t horrible yet. We stayed in Oia for 3 nights and we loved it but it was super crowded during the day.

         I’m considering a Tuscany trip for my 40th. I’ve been to Rome but DH hasn’t so we’ll spend a couple days there. I’d love to see more of the Amalfi coast though. Decisions decisions!

         1. Tuscany is waaaay better than the Amalfi Coast. Do a couple days in Rome, a day or two in Florence and then the rest of the time in the Tuscan countryside.

         2. Early spring isn’t a good time for island hopping. There are limited ferry routes and most restaurants and services are closed. June is great but not March.

            1. +1 March is a terrible time for the Greek isles or the Amalfi Coast. Nothing opens in either place until April 1.

   4. Depends what you want. My husband and I are 38 and just got back from Iceland. It was too hectic for us, honestly. We’ve gotten used to traveling with our kids and having a slower pace of travel and doing intense physical exercise + lots of driving every day just wore us out. Also I first visited Iceland 20 years ago when it was much more under the radar and was really shocked by how over-touristed it’s become in the intervening years. The locals understandably don’t have a lot of patience with tourists now and there were huge queues for everything.
      Italy is my favorite of the countries you listed and has great wine and food, history/culture and scenery, but the beaches are not great compared to other parts of Europe. Spain (Mallorca) and Portugal (Algarve) have nice beaches with pretty scenery. We honeymooned in Greece and it has a good balance of history in Athens and beautiful scenery and relaxation in the islands. All four of those countries are much more similar to each other and very different than Iceland, obviously.
      Of all the countries you listed (I haven’t been to Cyprus), my favorite spots are probably Florence & Tuscany in Italy and Santorini in Greece, although I really liked Mallorca too.

   5. We went to Portugal in early March and absolutely loved it! Most days were gorgeous, though we had a couple of rainy days in Lisbon. Pinhao, Porto, Lisbon with a day trip to Sintra. Cannot recommend it enough!

   6. I have been to most of these places and you really can’t go wrong. I just got back from Greece and it was super cheap compared to some of the other places on your list (Iceland, for example, is quite expensive although it’s fabulous). So I would vote Greece in the “most bang for your buck” category. I agree that combining Athens with a couple of islands (I love Naxos and Crete) would be amazing.

      1. Spain is also pretty cheap, I think, at least outside of major cities like Madrid. We went in both 2022 and 2023 and both times found it VERY affordable. We spent a lot less eating out than we do in our LCOL Midwest college town, and had no trouble finding nice hotels in the $200/night range. A rental car was less than $250 for a week.

         Iceland is definitely the priciest of the options. I was just there and a hamburger at a non-fancy restaurant was $40. 3 star hotels started around $500/night. The rental car was $900 for the week. The locals told us inflation has been insane just in the last year or two. This is all in the July/August high season, but it’s a gamble to go at other times of year because the weather can be so iffy. June might be ok, but I wouldn’t go in March or April unless you just want to hole up in a cozy hotel and watch the northern lights.

      2. +1. They are all good options. If the trip ends up being in March, I personally would not go choose to go to a coastal destination at that time (the Greek islands, Amalfi, Balearic Islands, etc.). I think those locations are all a lot more fun in June. But city destinations would be fine at that time of the year in any of those countries.

   7. Iceland is amazing. But it’s pretty easy to travel there because it’s so much closer to the US than the other countries, so I’d pick something else. Cyprus is awesome but wouldn’t do that as a milestone trip.

   8. I’d do Italy.

3. Those of you who currently live on the coast (especially coastal New England)-how much do you take climate change into consideration when deciding whether to eventually move or stay put? I have a primary home in western Massachusetts but would like to eventually either retire to or have a second home on the South Shore (think Cohasset and those areas.) My spouse is heavily pushing for a second home in a small lake region in Maine instead, with the reasoning that it is a wiser investment and will potentially increase in value.

   1. if a house is within the floodplain for expected sea level rise, it’s a deal breaker for us. this was a main consideration when choosing the town for our “forever home”

      1. +1 – had friends who recently moved to a more coastal town but they intentionally bought on top of a hill and only looked at places that they could get flood insurance on. Before you buy anywhere in a flood plain/near the coast I’d talk to locals about past storms. I know we and many other friends think/worry about hurricane season given how badly Sandy hit and the significant damages we’ve seen already this summer from heavy rain.

   2. We just sold our home in coastal Virginia because of climate change. Both because of increasing temps (we hate the heat) and rising waters – at only 6 ft above sea level, it’s guaranteed to be under water by the end of our lifetimes. We bought a place in NE CT and even put earthquake insurance on it since there’s an inactive fault line nearby. My husband misses the water and wants a little place near Newport, but I’m pushing for a lake in NH or Maine. Coastal insurance will be impossible to get soon, and I just don’t want that exposure to storms.

      1. +1. The insurance thing is huge.

      2. I just visited Newport and loved it! It seems wildly underappreciated as a vacation spot for how enjoyable it is.

         Waterfront houses, wherever they are, are a labor of love. There’s tons of flooding in CT, MA, NH, and VT today for any property near streams and lakes today, so avoiding the coast isn’t a cure-all.

   3. Depends on where in coastal New England. Are you on the cliffs in Scituate, Plymouth, Plum Island or the Cape (among others)? Erosion is a major issue. Three streets back (at least) from the water will be waterfront in my lifetime, as far as I’m concerned and I wouldn’t go near that. But, I live in a lovely coastal community, about 7 mins by car from the water but further inland, slightly elevated and not in a flood plane so I don’t give it second thought. You can be in a coastal community and still futureproof yourself and your investment.

   4. We live about six miles from a beach in Massachusetts. We considered a few houses right on water, but concern about flooding (one of the older houses near one we considered was totally destroyed!) was a big factor. I would love to just walk out my back deck onto the sand… but a short drive/bike ride is good enough.

      1. This. We moved into our home just before Sandy and looked at some places a lot closer to the water, maybe a 10 minute walk or a 5 minute bike ride. Every single one of them was significantly damaged in the storm. We put in a generator the next summer and we swore we’d never live that close to water – if you haven’t seen damage like that close up it is shocking how destructive ‘just’ flooding can be.

   5. A pretty large role. Climate dominoes are falling sooner than predicted worldwide and I think we’re already feeling the effects on the coasts. MIL has a house at the Jersey shore and blue-sky (flooding not caused by storms, just by tidal cycles) flooding is a problem there already. There have been several days where her part of the island is cut off to traffic for a day or so.

   6. I live in a shoreline New England town that also happens to be a lake region. The flood rating and elevation were very much in our minds when we were house hunting, and I think that we were lucky to end up with a house that’s on a hill relative both to the coast and the nearest lake. When we first decided on this town I really loved the idea of being right on the water, but after doing more research and coming down to earth a little bit, I’m totally fine with a short drive to the waterfront in exchange for that feeling of safety in my home.

   7. Climate change definitely is playing a big role in my decision making.

      I currently live in Chicago, and am planning to make a move back to a coast for my last move/retirement. Weather + climate change is one of the most important variables. So important that I have actually considered staying in Chicago…. which is startling to me. The weathers have become mild enough (for my tolerance) with much less snow, and the huge Lake Michigan now gives me some of the water front views I long for. Again, I’ll still probably move closer to family/friends on a coast, but I’ve accepted that I will not retire with the oceanfront view of my dreams.

   8. Hoping my 300 ft elevation house in Berkeley will be beachfront property someday (gallows humor)

   9. We are buying a second home in coastal Florida that we plan to make our primary home in about 10 years. We’re building, and designing for resiliency and hurricane survival is top of mind for us. The risk of sea level rise is somewhat mitigated by the specific location (the natural coastline is intact, so there are miles of mangroves between us and the open ocean, which helps) but there are other climate impacts beyond that, obviously. For us, the decision is in part about the fact that we care about this place and ecosystem (it’s where my husband is from, and is a very unique place) and feel a commitment to making ourselves part of the community in a more permanent way and helping it shape its path forward in a changed world.

   10. Hi – not the area you asked for, but in Houston. We are about ~45 minutes from Galveston. We chose to live here to be closer to community/family, and we understand the climate implications – but honestly most places we “want” to live are saddled with this very sad reality.

       When buying our house we looked at the most recent flood zones and made sure to buy not in a flood plain and where our home was on more “elevated” land for the region – not even the 500 year flood plain was OK with us – AND confirmed there was no house flooding during Harvey. A lot of folks who lived here during Harvey (we did not) look on the basis of “If it didn’t flood in Harvey, it’s good enough for us” since there was the rain PLUS the purposeful flooding that had to happen with the dams opening – we took it a step further with the mapping as well. And yes, we have flood insurance. And a generator.

       Also, because, well…Abbott/Texas…development is more important here than climate realities, and even in bluer states I surmise some of this may be true – make sure you keep an eye on established flood zones (they may change) and how things progress during major storms.

       There are gorgeous, expensive, often historic neighborhoods (Bellaire, Meyerland, WestU – for those ‘Rettes that are familiar with Houston) that are built in floodplains here in Houston. People keep buying homes in these neighborhoods (“Oh, I know we’ll have some garage flooding – at least I’ll get a new car!”, “I’ll get my dream kitchen if we flood!”…really?!?). Most of these people make a lot of money and are very smart professionals. I do not understand the calculus here, but it is not for me to understand.

4. How long does it take for you to shake the nervousness of starting a new job? I’m one week in at a job where I’m doing something different than I’ve ever done and I’m honestly terrified. I’m super excited about the challenge and this is a pivot I’ve wanted to make for a long time, but I have major imposter syndrome, fear of failure, fear that my boss won’t like me, etc.

   1. about a year, especially for jobs that are not similar to what you’ve done before (like yours!)

   2. Paging Curious, who told me about the 6 week/6 month rule!

      1. What’s the 6 week / 6 month rule? I’m about 3 months into a new job and I feel pretty comfortable, but not 100%

         1. IIRC, it’s basically that you will hit a crisis of sorts at 6 weeks and 6 months. These are normal. If outside of these times you feel like it’s absolutely not the right fit, that might be worth paying attention to.

            It’s not hard and fast – for instance she suggested it to me when I was probably about 3 months into my current job, last summer, but at the time it was only 5-6 weeks since our busy season, and thus the real work, had actually begun.

   3. I switched industries a year ago last week (but kept similar duties) and I feel like it was about 6-8 months before I felt really secure in having the knowledge of my industry/role/organization.

   4. I started a new job 6 months ago and I know exactly how you feel. It probably took a couple months before I felt like I had a handle on things. Remember, everyone knows you’re new and won’t expect you to be a master of your job right away!!

   5. If it makes you feel any better, I have a new team member starting in a few weeks. I am the boss, and *I* am terrified that he won’t like us, and that I won’t onboard him well enough (this is also a pivot for him), and that I’ll fail HIM in some way. All this to say, the fear goes both ways! Give yourself a lot of grace, and know that it may not click immediately and that’s OK. See what things feel like in 6 months to a year.

   6. It takes me a month before I don’t feel stupid and six months to feel totally confident.

      A while back someone posted here that if you don’t think you’ve made a huge mistake at some point during your first six months then it means you didn’t make a big enough change.

   7. Any time you make a big change, you’re going to feel like you made a big mistake until you get the hang of it. Keep on keeping on.

5. I need a new car unfortunately. I would prefer to just drive my 10-yo car forever. So a few questions that I would love input on. We’ve just been going around and around on this!

   I need a car with 3 rows, but so many of the big cars don’t get great reliability ratings from Consumer Report (2 or 3 out of 5). Am I focusing too much on that? Are all cars so reliable that the difference isn’t that big between rating scores?

   Anybody have a 3 row car they love? I can’t do EV because we do cross-country road trips as our family vacations (which is my nod to climate change so I figure it works out).

   1. Also, I don’t really want a huge car like a Suburban.

   2. It’s been a while since I had one, but I really liked my Acura MDX. It had a third row, but it didn’t feel huge. We took it on a few longer road trips with the kids in the third row and the second row folded down (we have 2 kids, not sure how many you have) and it was great. Third row was also great when we were driving carpool.

      1. This is my suggestion. Love the MDX.

   3. I believe Toyota Highlanders and Honda Pilots have a third-row option, though I’d hate to be the person in the third row.

   4. A hybrid Toyota Highlander. Very happy with it and it’s reliable. They are coming out with a Toyota Grand Highlander with a larger 3-rd row, but I’ve found the regular Highlander to be fine. Plan on using something like a Thule storage container as the trunk Soave is very limited with 3-rd row up.

      Friends have a Subaru Tribeca that they like, but personally I stick with Toyotas.

      1. I will be loyal to Toyota forever. My car is an absolute workhorse. They just make such a good car!

   5. Minivans now, minivans forever.

      Unless you go massive like a Suburban, there are no better vehicles for comfortably carrying tons of people and things. I can have car seats in the second row, people taller than six feet in the back row, and multiple full size suitcases in the back. And a DVD playing. And everyone is comfortable.

      1. This. I was staunchly anti minivan and now you can pry my Honda Odyssey out of my cold, dead hands. But you won’t have to because they’re very safe.

         1. hahaha!

      2. Minivan! Chrysler Pacifica plug in hybrid. Best of both worlds. Electric for trips under 30 miles, then switches to gas. Can be plugged in to a regular outlet (just charges more slowly than with the special charger). We take it on road trips all the time. Adults can comfortably sit in third row. Tons of space for luggage, folding seats, etc. the sliding doors are so convenient. I’m a total convert.

      3. +1. The vast majority of folks with gargantuan trucks and SUVs would be better served by a minivan.

   6. Mazda CX-9!

      1. I rented this on vacation recently and loved it, but we could only fit small carryon bags in the back with the third row up. I would not want to rode trip in it with three rows of people.

   7. I think you can give up with the “nod to climate change” at this point.

      1. +1

   8. I would lease not buy at your stage of life. Your need for three rows won’t be forever and then you can just get what you need as your needs change.

   9. We have two midsize SUVs – Toyota Highlander & Subaru Ascent. Both have OK third rows – I don’t think you can find a truly comfortable-for-an-adult third row unless you upgrade to a larger car, but it does the job for mostly kid carpooling. Both have been very reliable (Toyota for 5+ years, Subaru for 2). The Subaru’s predecessor was an Outback that lasted 10+ years for us; if the Outback had a third row option we would have stuck with another one.
      Neither DH nor I are car people, but don’t want to have to spend time on car maintenance or have the car in the shop very often, and these cars do the trick for us.

      1. +1 – Our two cars are a 2013 Subaru Outback and a 2016 Toyota 4-Runner. Both workhorses we plan to drive into the ground – with our hybrid schedules + close-in commutes/driving, these cars still have minimal mileage for their respective ages. The 4-Runner has a 3rd row option, and if/when I need a new car, I’ll probably go for the Ascent with captain’s chairs.

   10. We love our Toyota Highlander. Though as mentioned above storage space is an issue when using the third-row. We use either a storage thing on the hitch or the roof racks when going on road trips.

   11. We’ve had an Infiniti QX60 and the Volvo XC90, both with third rows. Love both cars although the Volvo had slightly fancier features. It was a newer model year. A few friends have the Acura MDX. One loves it and one hates it haha.

       1. Volvo XC90. They did safety before safety was cool.

   12. I love my Audi Q7. Three rows but still sleek and nimble. And my guess is CR rates it super high since my husband picked it and he is a CR believer.

   13. Honda Pilot – we have a 2019 and it is great! Not as big as a Suburban.

       1. Also – it is bigger than the Ascent and the Highlander in the 3rd row. I sat in both of those and they were way smaller.

   14. Very happy with our VW Atlas.

       1. +1 love our Atlas. It’s a great size and I like the way the rows work with kids and car seats and folding.

   15. We liked our Highlander until the kids got to be reasonably sized. If you want a car with a third row, I’m team minivan all the way. We have a Sienna that’s AWD and an Odyssey. Love both.

   16. We have a GMC Acadia, which we purchased used. We have been really happy with it. I wouldn’t have bought a new one, but it’s served us well. If I were buying something new, I’d definitely do a minivan.

       In my experience, the Toyota HIghlander is very small in the third row – not comfortable for my tall kids, even.

6. I have central air for the first time in my life and I’m realizing that I have truly no reference for what to set my thermostat to! I’m in a 700 sq ft apartment in Center City Philly, if that matters.

   Wondering what people set their temp to for when they’re home, when they’re sleeping and when they’re out of the apartment.

   1. I like mid 70s for when I’m working and I like it a good deal colder (ideally 68-69) when sleeping. This is in the summer in a hot and humid area (DC).

      One thing to keep in mind is to adjust the thermostat in small increments. If you set the thermostat at 50 degrees it doesn’t cool off any faster than if you set it to 69. For some reason my boyfriend cannot seem to figure this out and it drives me crazy, because I think it’s not good for the functioning of the system to try to do big swings in temperature.

      1. There was an article in WaPo this morning (available through Apple News) on that very topic! You are vindicated!!

      2. Yep. It is much less wear and tear on the A/C unit, and you also use less energy, when you set the thermostat to a comfortable temperature and leave it alone. FWIW, ours is set to 76 during the day and 73 at night and we rarely, if ever, mess with it (we have a Nest thermostat and it’s ridiculously easy to program). If we get hot during the day, we turn on small fans we keep in each room during the summer and the airflow makes the room feel cooler. You pay for every degree of cooling you ask the A/C to provide, and it’s cheaper to run a fan in whatever room you’re occupying vs. turning down the thermostat and cooling the whole house to a lower temperature. Signed, Daughter of an HVAC installer/repairperson

   2. At home, I can deal with 75 degrees. But when I’m sleeping, I need it at 70 degrees (at the warmest) or I don’t sleep well at all. 65-68 is better but I rarely turn it that low.

   3. A lot is going to depend on how efficient the air conditioning is—a tightly sealed condo is different than a drafty old house with duct work that reaches some rooms better than others. So answers will be all over the place. We keep ours at 69 or 70 during the summer. We don’t lower and raise unless we’re actually gone a few days since that uses more energy.

   4. I try to keep it at 75 when I’m working from home and drop it to 73 when I’m sleeping. It all depends on your comfort level and budget.

      1. 75 when I’m home alone, 73 when my husband is home, and 70 for sleeping (I could do 73 at night but he and my son both run warm and prefer it cooler).

   5. 80 because we’re cheap

   6. We usually set it at 78 during the day, 75-76 at night. But we have a two story home and it’s much warmer on the second floor (where the bedrooms are) and the sensor is on the first floor so I’m guessing it’s probably more like 78 at night in the upstairs.

      We don’t adjust it when we leave the house unless we’re traveling out of town and then we put it at 85.

   7. I’m in NYC and we have window units. We keep that at 76 usually, sometimes 75. We turn them up to 80 or so when we are not at home and/or turn off the ones in the bedrooms. We have cats so we don’t let it get insanely hot even when we are out.

   8. 70 for awake, 64 for sleep, but we have mini-split zone AC so we cool only the rooms we’re actively using rather than the whole place.

      1. ok since people are mentioning cost, our electric bill is about $100 per month for our 1500sf rowhouse in summer.

         1. Oh my god that is so cheap! I’m in NYC above and we pay at least 2x that for a similarly sized apartment set at 76 or higher.

            1. we LOVE our mini-splits for their amazing efficiency. They cool rooms down so quickly that we aren’t bothered to have them off whenever we’re out of the house or not in the room!

   9. 78. I’m not made of money.

      1. I would be made of pure sweat at 78.

         During the summer I do 72 during the day and 70 at night. I raise it to 73-74 before heading to my office or if I’ll be out most of the day (my thermostat doesn’t let me set a schedule).

         1. I’m with you — 72 during the day, 70 at night. Sometimes a few degrees above/below, like 75 or 68, but those two degrees make a big difference.

   10. We keep ours between 72-74 in the summer. I would like it closer to 76-78 but the rest of my family thinks that is too hot. They would like it even colder, but it is too expensive to run like that.

   11. I’m more comfortable at 75-80, husband prefers 68-72, so we have ours at 74 in the summer. In the winter we set it around 68-69, I think. Ours isn’t programmable, so we keep it that way day and night.

   12. I’m in South Philly. I own my home (1300 sq ft). 73 daytime, 70-71 nighttime. I run very warm. You could probably get away with setting yours at 75-76 in that small of a space.

   13. Mine is technically set at 72 but since it is on the ground level of our tri-level, the upstairs is usually around 78-80. That can be a bit warm so we just run a fan in the upstairs rooms when we are in them. Running the A/C takes the dampness out of the air even if it isn’t refrigerator cold and adds about 40 bucks a month to our base electric bill. Upper Midwest area that sees more humidity than it does real heat most days.

7. I posted a couple of weeks ago concerned my husband was having severe cognitive changes as a result of depression. I have to say thank you so much to AnonMD and to everyone for responding. After reading the responses I was determined to take him to the ED, even though he did not want to go, and 12 hours later he was having a large brain tumor removed. This has been simultaneously a huge relief to have an explanation for his symptoms and the scariest thing I have ever been through in my life. Sincerest thanks for giving me the push to get him to the ED. It probably saved his life. Any tips for supporting a loved one with cancer? I feel like I am drinking from a fire hose right now. I am feeling totally overwhelmed – by love and gratitude and fear and worry and anxiety and grief. My work knows what is going on and has been supportive.

   1. Omg I am so glad you were able to get him in and I hope in real life you have a big cheerleader.

   2. Oh my goodness. So many good thoughts and prayers to you and your husband.

   3. I definitely recommend getting connected with a social worker at the hospital.

   4. Jesus – I can’t imagine how scary this all has been.
      If you haven’t already, start the paperwork for intermittent FMLA. It’s less work than you think. And best of luck to the two of you.

   5. Oh my gosh I’m sorry but so glad you acted! Good luck!

   6. Wow!! I am so glad you got help.

   7. Find support for yourself separately from him. Even once the tumor is out, it’s common to have side effects that are permanent from the removal and other treatments. This is a marathon, not a sprint.

      1. This happened to my boss’s husband – he recovered well physically, but ended up having to take a medical retirement because he just wasn’t up cognitively to performing his old job.

   8. Oh my goodness!! This community has saved a life!!

   9. Oh my goodness. You are a hero. It is so great that you acted, and that you stuck to your guns to get him seen and evaluated. You should feel very proud of how your love and strength showed up for him when he needed it.

      There have (unfortunately) been a lot of supporting loved ones with cancer threads over the last week or so (at least since Wednesday), although I don’t believe any of them were brain. Still, they may help. And we’re all here for you regardless. Thinking of you (both!).

   10. Oh my goodness. I am floored by this update. Big hugs to you and your family!

   11. Thank you for posting back as this is a very much needed wake-up call for me that if I see cognitive changes in a loved one, we need to get imaging first and then deal with the other stuff later. I have a tendency to do too much “wait-and-see/surely this will resolve in time” thinking; I am so glad you acted and got an answer to what was going on. Even if the result was super-scary.

       Since you’re saying “with cancer” I am assuming the tumor was malignant? Did they tell you what type of brain cancer he has? A friend of mine lost her mother to brain cancer and if you give more details about the diagnosis and it aligns with my friend’s mother’s diagnosis, I am happy to share more info.

   12. Oh my gosh! I have been thinking about you and you husband and hoping to get an update. Your whole description had my doctor spidey senses tingling. I’m so sorry this was the outcome but so proud of you for taking him in ASAP and getting him the help he needed. My husband was diagnosed with cancer last year as well and it is so so overwhelming. Sending you much love and support!

   13. Way to go OP. You saved your husband.

       It is a great reminder to everyone here that a sudden change in behavior/thinking that happens over days/weeks (and even a couple months…) should always be closely worked up by a doctor for medical causes. Especially if you have no prior history of mental illness/mood issues. And especially if you are over the age of 40-50. And especially if there is any family / personal history of cancer, or high risk habits that could increase your chances of having cancer (ex. smoking).

       Do they have a feeling what kind of tumor it may be?
       Are you close to a large, academic research hospital, that has the best docs and clinical trials?

       Look for the online caregiver support groups that target folks with cancer and brain tumors. Check on Facebook. Come back when you know more and we will help you too.

       Now you know. One step at a time.

   14. I am so sorry to hear this news. It’s a very generic recommendation, but I believe American Cancer Society has support for patients, like helping with rides, finding support groups, etc.

       The National Cancer Institute has a Cancer Information Service that can help answer questions about treatment options. I have heard secondhand that they can be pretty helpful: https://www.cancer.gov/contact

   15. amazing – i’m so happy you got him checked out!! best of luck to you both as you navigate the next part.

   16. OMG OMG! Much love to you, OP.

       I have no tips but just an anecdote: Many years ago a good friend of mine was the patient in this scenario, and she is cancer-free and going strong these days. Big hugs to you and your husband.

   17. I’m so sorry this happened to you. Flashbacks to my dad when I was a young adult just out of college working my first job. I called home and he wasn’t making any sense. My mom was just annoyed with him because she was too close and the change had been gradual but I was like mom, this isn’t ok. Brain tumor diagnosis that evening in the ER my sister and I insisted she take him to.

       Hugs to you. At least you know what is is now.

       Settle in. It’s a marathon, not a sprint. You don’t have to decide everything this exact moment.

   18. holy moly I just yelled OMG out loud reading this. I am so so glad you took action and sending you and your husband my best.

   19. So sorry this is what it was, but so glad you took him in when you did! I agree with others to seek sources of support for yourself if you can because it will help you be there for him too. Sometimes once there are more answers there will be a social media group or a listserv support group for a specific diagnosis or treatment plan. It can help to just share the same reality with some people because the drinking from a fire hose thing is real. Thinking of you both going forward.

8. Can you talk me into or out of an Apple watch? I’ve been Team Fibit for the past 10 plus years, and currently have a Versa 3, but it needs replacing. I’m dedicated to counting steps and miles, want an accurate watch, would love a stopwatch function. I definitely need it to count steps on a treadmill, since that’s my walk when it’s raining or icy. I don’t particularly care if I can read my texts on my watch, but would like to at least have notification of texts and calls. I could go Garmin, Fitbit or Apple, I’m open to all. I’d also like heart rate/pulse, but that’s a lower priority. The fall detection on Apple is intriquing as I’m an old.

   1. How big are your wrists and how do you feel about size? For me, that’s been the deciding factor against the apple watch and sticking with Fitbit. I really only care about step tracking and heart rate and have tiny wrists, so I just don’t want a gigantic thing. If they made a smaller version, I might consider it.

   2. The main reason I want an Apple watch is so that I can listen to music without carrying my phone around. I’m not sure if that’s a good enough reason though, lol.

   3. My Apple Watch is old so maybe the newer versions have improved – but it’s not great for exercise stuff. It’s supposed to automatically know if you’re working out but that takes forever and isn’t very accurate; I have to remember to manually set it if I want it to record my workout. That’s true even with apps that are supposed to be paired like my Peloton. DH’s old Fitbit does a much better job of knowing when we’re out for a walk.

      That said, I’ll never go back to Fitbit. I’m constantly losing my phone and my Apple Watch is pretty much the only thing that gets me out the door on time in the morning.

   4. I’m still rocking my first generation Garmin VivoActive from 2015. I’ve replaced the charger once and several straps but the unit itself is doing great. So, I’d recommend Garmin for durability.

   5. I adore my Apple Watch. It’s so easy and intuitive. I have small wrists and never used to wear a watch or bracelets, but I’ve comfortably worn this every day for 2 1/2 years. I love not being tethered to my phone.

   6. I had to make this decision fairly recently and stuck with a Fitbit. The frequent charging time for Apple watches was a big turnoff. My husband loves his, but he’s also the type that wants a fancy watch that also tracks exercise, while I’m a person who wants the exercise functions to come first, and anything else is a bonus.

      1. I stuck with my Fitbit (Charge 5). Can see but not send text messages, and it alerts me when there is a call coming through. Even the smaller Apple Watch is a bit too big for my wrist, and I sweat so much during summer work outs that I don’t want to risk killing it.

   7. I like my Garmin, and I liked the Fitbit I had too. I chose to not do an Apple Watch either time because I love the sleep tracking and didn’t like how frequently Apple Watches have to be charged.

      FWIW, I can load music onto my Garmin and listen without my phone, but I always run with my phone for safety reasons. Though, I guess an Apple Watch + Cellular would mean that I don’t need to run with my phone, as I believe you can make calls that way.

      1. I dearly love my Apple watch, and while I do have the cellular version I was very bummed to learn that you can only use that cellular feature if the phone you are tying it to is on the same plan (not just the same carrier, but the same plan) as the watch. Since my workplace provides my phone, my watch’s cellular functions are useless to me.

   8. I switched from Fitbit to Apple Watch a few months ago and don’t have regrets. I like having the move goal focused on calories rather than steps. And I love some of the additional features like finding my phone, which I somehow always lose.

9. I’m in BigLaw and am officially up for partner this year (to be decided/announced in the fall). I’m incredibly burnt out and want to leave. I don’t know if I can make it until promotions are announced, as I have several big deadlines before then and the work environment is toxic (for many reasons that I won’t go into here- mainly personnel related, and other things that are out of my control and won’t change).

   I know that for my career, I should stick it out, get the title, and then leverage that title to go elsewhere. I don’t know if my mental health will hold up that long, and I’m getting more tempted to quit and take time off. That’s a terrible idea, right?

   I am applying to other firms/jobs, with one promising interview next week, but know that it will take time to actually get something and make a move. Also, without a book of my own clients, I can’t figure out if having the partner title will help or hinder in my search for a new job (niche area).

   Financially, I have savings and would be fine for at least 6 months, if not more, without dipping into long-term savings. I’m more concerned with finding a new job and my career long term.

   Any thoughts? I’m so torn over sticking it out (and struggling on a daily basis for the next several months), and calling it quits.

   1. Terrible idea. Figure out how to go on vacation and refresh. Don’t blow up your career at this stage.

      1. This this this this this. Now is the time for a vacation and some spa days; maybe a scheduled biweekly massage and some therapy. Do not quit now, OP!

         I understand, OP, if you’re not invested in hanging in by your fingernails to get a prize that you don’t really want. But in your case, the prize you will receive will make it easier for you to make your next move, whatever that turns out to be. Don’t buy yourself problems, and don’t fall prey to self-sabotage. Is it possible you’re thinking about leaving now because you don’t want to risk being rejected if you don’t make partner? I have a tendency to want to quit or leave before I am rejected and it’s burned me in the past. If that’s a factor for you, look at it this way: if you make partner, you get to leave as a partner. If you don’t make partner, you have a built-in excuse for why you’re leaving: you didn’t make partner. Either way, your path forward will be tremendously easier than leaving right now, when you’re potentially on the cusp of something that’s a pretty great achievement.

   2. don’t blow it up now unless in crisis. everyone understands a senior associate looking to go in-house or a partner looking to lateral. Saddling yourself with the presumption that you got pushed out at the last minute will not help matters.

   3. Having the title can only help. If you’re at the seniority level of being up for partner, and you leave before you make it, people will assume you left because you COULDN’T make it. Obviously infinitely better to make it and then go.

      1. This this this. OP, I know you’re really struggling, but if you are expecting that you will make partner, do not leave when you’re this close. Plus, at least at my firm, the first year after you make partner often ends up being less demanding bc you’re expected to be figuring things out, so it is a good time to job search.

      2. To address one of OP’s questions – most partner jobs want you to have a book, but a lot of very senior associate jobs do too. I don’t think there’s an appreciable difference between looking now vs waiting until the end of the year. But I agree with others that it’s unwise to quit before you have another job lined up.

   4. What are you prospects? Has anyone indicated you will make it? That impacts my answer.

      If you are in a niche area, and they have signaled you are likely to make it, I would try to stick it out and make partner and then lateral as a partner. It’s easier to lateral to a partner role when you have the title. Not the answer you want to hear unfortunately. I’d try to take vacation, and scale back everything else in your life to make space to take care of yourself.

      If it’s up in the air as to whether you make it, I would leave. You could lateral now to a firm with space for a partner in your area, but you are going to be looking at an associate or counsel title and likely 2+ additional years before you make partner. Basically a 2 year look. You sound so burnt out – is two years of working intensely in a new and unknown environment to try to get the partner title something you can handle right now? Could you do it if you took 3-6 months off before starting?

      I’m genuinely asking – I was in your exact shoes and I decided it wasn’t something I could handle and I went in house. I also looked at taking a permanent counsel/non equity partner role with a flexible schedule but ultimately found a great in house job.

      It will get better – at some point when I decided to leave it was very freeing and it dramatically improved my mental health. So even if you are sticking it out for a bit, having a path towards leaving is the first step in starting to feel better.

      1. I think the chances of making it are decent, but it’s certainly not guaranteed (my group isn’t having a good year financially, which seems to be my biggest obstacle).

         Thank you all for the input – I know in my head that I should stick it out (and appreciate you all confirming that), but even after taking a week off last month, I’m still feeling really burnt out, and the work environment is awful. I’ve tried to minimize all extras (articles, speaking engagements) to the extent possible to try to get through the next few months.

         If I could get in as counsel at another firm soon, I think I’d take it (and take a month off before starting, if possible). Giving up the partner title (for at least a few years) in exchange for my mental health and a new job (rather than just quitting) seem worth it, at this point. Depends on the day/hour though – the over achiever in me wants the partner title (and salary) after working so hard for all these years! But I’m also going crazy where I am now.

         1. You have this internet stranger’s permission to take a new job and not stick it out. I’ve been so much happier since leaving biglaw. Life is short and mental health is important. Good luck!

   5. I am in a parallel situation. I think you should stick it out. for me the way I thought about it is that I don’t have much left in the tank so for the next few months until fall, all of my energy goes to 1) making partner and 2) my self care. And my basic life responsibilities I guess goes in bucket 2. I’ve tried to offload all my other responsibilities to the extent possible in the intervening period. Like I really need mroe rest and some downtime, so that’s what I’m doing over fultilling the broader list of obligations that I would normally use my off time for. Obviously there’s stuff I can’t offload, but creating that space and leaning on my family/ hiring additional help I think will get me through

   6. Agree with the stick it out advice. Do try to go on vacation and get some time away. But, OP, my work life also got exponentially better when I made partner. Yours might too. People did not feel the sane sense of ownership over my time as when I was an associate. When you eventually get more clients of your own you also get a lot more autonomy.

      Also, I’m not sure how your firm votes, but you should have a pretty good sense before the fall. At least in my firm it was definitely not a surprise. Do you have a mentor or someone who might have some intel?

      1. totally agree with all of this. Try to find out if you will make it, and if there’s a good chance, do everything you can to stick it out. You should have a very good indication of whether you’ll make it or not by September/October, which is just around the corner. It’s no small feat being put up for partner and it could take a long time to build up your reputation at a new place. In the meantime, I agree you should do everything you can to protect your mental health.

         I also agree that my work life balance improved dramatically once I made partner and I enjoy my job more. Exit opportunities are also better.

      2. Yeah, OP, I agree with all of this. My work life improved massively when I made partner, so that’s something to bear in mind. I also agree that at most biglaw firms I’ve worked at (I’ve been at 3) or that my friends have worked at, there was pretty much certainty by this point whether you were making it or not. That may not be the case at yours, but this is definitely the time for a real, frank conversation with your practice group leader or the most senior and plugged in person you know to gauge the situation. The performance of a practice group in any given single year typically does not determine whether that group is allowed to put up new partners.

   7. I am a former BigLaw partner – DO NOT LEAVE NOW.

      You can do this! And even if you stay for only one year after making partner, you will forever be “former partner at BigLaw Firm,” which has important follow-on effects.

      Things to do instead of quit:
      * see if you can get some sleep
      * buy some silly notecards, write yourself “you can do this” notes in them and keep them in your office to read when you want to quit
      * whatever else you need

      You will not be sorry later.

      1. +1. Hang in there OP! I’m similarly situated this year and making partner in big law can only expand future options

   8. Junior partner here- agree with above commenters- stick it out, do what you need to do to make it work (outsource tasks, take some more time off to make it bearable).

   9. So…I did this! I quit on the verge of making partner (approx six months) and went in-house. To be clear, I did NOT want to be a partner. I dreaded the idea of being a partner and almost every day was full of drudgery and anxiety. I was also in M&A, which means I was always always “on” – I was no stranger to getting a complicated Friday afternoon dump needing to be turned by Saturday. “Urgent” calls at literally all hours of the night. I had a book of business ready to be passed down to me and a senior partner who was nothing but encouraging. But I quit anyway! Madness you could say.

      In these past six months, I’ve been able to work on my relationship with my partner and, crucially, my health – both of which took a beating during 10 years of big law M&A (think high insulin levels and autoimmune issues, many of which have started to recede with regular exercise, good high quality food, fun activities, way way less stress and consistent sleep). I now have evenings and weekends off. When a mistake is made on a complicated matter, it’s outside counsel’s fault and I get to turn off the computer at 530pm and hang out with my dogs, make dinner, go to a pool, whatever I want. I am not drinking 4 expresso lattes every day at 8pm trying to power through redlines nor do I have to constantly hedge around keeping the promises to my partner/family that I will be available at so and so time.

      It is the best decision of my life thus far. I won’t lie – when my colleagues made partner recently, I felt jealous and thought, “what if I had just stuck around. The money would be great. My parents would be proud. Other people would be jealous!”. But I look at how unhappy I was then, and how happy and “rich” my life feels now even though I am making way less money and have less responsibility. Being an M&A partner was just not who I wanted to be and how I wanted to show up in my life.

      It all just comes down to you and how you want to live your life. No wrong or right answer. When I quit, I received really similar reactions to what you see in these responses to your posts. I think that, for a lot of people, they are just burned out and tired and need a vacation. For others, the title won’t make a difference to their life happiness. Only you can decide. Good luck!!

10. I am turning 50 this fall and I read you should get the shingles vaccine starting at 50. Does anyone have any experience about how that vaccine is – does it make you kind of sick the way the flu vaccine does?

    1. I think it varies. It hasn’t been bad for me or my parents, but it hit my husband hard.

    2. My friends have not complained of side effects. But regardless of the answer, my friends who have had shingles have suffered miserably for a long period. No vaccine effects can compete. Get the vax on a Friday and don’t make Saturday plans.

       1. This. I had shingles at 23 and while it was a mild case, I don’t wish it on anyone. The permanent affects can be miserable and life-changing. I keep asking if they’ll give me the vaccine and they won’t, which disappoints me. Just a few more years.

          1. I’m 38 and got it because of past history of shingles. I’d get a second opinion.

    3. It’s terrible, at least it was for my husband. It’s two rounds, prepare to be in bed for 24 hours after each.

       That said – it is way, way better than dealing with shingles.

       1. +1

          This is exactly what my doctor said.

       2. Same.

    4. It’s a series of two shots, spaced a couple of months apart.

       I had no side effects aside from the usual sore arm. My good friend was knocked flat. It’s so hard to predict how an individual will respond.

       How did you respond to the COVID shots? My boyfriend’s shingles vaccine experience was similar to his COVID vaccine experience, and so was mine.

    5. Plan to be very sick for at least a couple of days and pleasantly surprised if you are not.

    6. I’ve had the full series. They weren’t awful, I had a worse reaction to my third COVID vaccine. Mostly my arm was sore and I was tired.

    7. My mom had it – she didn’t think it was that bad but also didn’t have any significant reaction to the Covid shots.

    8. It is much better than shingles – ask me how I know and I didn’t even have a bad case of shingles.

       I had no discernible reaction to either of the shots, maybe I was a little tired. Maybe my arm was sore, but not in any memorable way.

       As a counterpoint, I had big reactions to all the full dose COVID vaccines – 36 hours of fevers, chills, and very annoying body aches. So I don’t think you can really predict your reaction to any vaccine (I never had any reaction to flu shots, Hep B vaccine as an adult). I highly recommend getting the shingles vaccine.

    9. I just had the series. It was pretty mild for me. COVID shots gave me a lot of symptoms – fevers/fatigues/pain – especially the first 2. But Shingles was very mild. No worse than getting a flu shot.

       My arm was a bit sore, and I was a little tired.

       Honestly, every person is different, and the severity of your symptoms just reflects how strong your immune response is. So I know it is good for me the more symptoms I feel!

    10. Shingles was miserable. I received the vaccine afterward having shingles and it was in no way comparable.

    11. I had a sore arm with the first shot and a fever and chills for about a day with the second shot.

        Neither of which were even a tiny bit as bad as that one time when I had shingles before I got the shot!!

    12. My reaction was someone similar to my reaction to Pfizer/moderna COVID vaccinations. I felt dizzy & headachey for a day for each of the shots.

        I’m SO glad I got the vaccinations though. Two friends and one brother in law have had shingles in the last couple of years and it is definitely not something I want.

    13. Thank you all for the replies! I am now very convinced to get the vaccine!!

        1. And it was a walk-up shot for me at CVS. I haven’t seen a bill for it either.

    14. My husband got shot one solo and had no side effects. He got shot two at the same time as a COVID booster and flu shot. He had a sore arm and general malaise the next day, then was fine.

        1. My exact same experience, except I got shingles in one arm with Covid or flu in the other arm. So I guess not all that exact . . .But it wasn’t that bad at all.

    15. Super weird and super late, but there’s evidence that the adjuvant in the shingles vaccine is phenomenal and helps you develop immunity if you take other vaccines shortly after- if you’re due for your covid booster, get it at the same time-it’ll be something like 40% more effective!

        1. Cool!

11. Does anyone have any recommendations for anything fun for middle school aged boys in Fort Worth? We are making a quick trip at the end of the month to see the Dude Perfect show and just need something to do during the day on Sunday. thanks!

    1. They might enjoy the cattle drives that take place daily at 11:30 am and 4 pm at the Forth Worth Stockyards Historic District.

    2. The 4:00 drive is cancelled through July 31st. Check online at fortworthstockyards.org for details

    3. Thank you! Cattle drives sound neat – will check that out!

    4. If you get lucky and the weather isn’t horrendous, you can hit up Six Flags or Hurricane Harbor (water park). If you haven’t been to a Top Golf it’s also really fun.

       1. Oh great ideas!! Thanks!

12. Why re my nachos never as good as restaurant nachos? I think a big reason is I just melt shredded cheese and don’t have ‘sauce’ – but I absolutely hate nacho cheese sauce you’d get at a ballpark, and that’s all I seem to find in the store. Any ideas?

    1. Two ideas:
       Make an actual roux with butter and flour and use the lowest heat possible once the cheese goes in to keep it smooth.
       Throw in a torn up slice of American cheese (the fakeness of it means it melts really well).

    2. Usually nachos are topped with salsa as well as cheese, jalapenos, etc.

    3. Pre-shredded cheese is never as smooth as if you grate fresh cheese yourself to melt.

    4. Shred your own cheese! The pre-shredded kind has an additive to keep it from clumping but that makes it less melty.

    5. Where are you looking? If you’re looking on the aisle at shelf stable stuff, I get where you’re coming from. Gordo’s cheese dip is where it’s at. Alternately, Ro-tel dip – velveeta, Rotel canned tomatoes in a crock pot is awesome.
       We used to do nachos at work where everyone brought some sort of “something that goes on nachos” and we ended up with some really, really awesome creations. The original inspiration for our Nacho days was this (though pants remained on at all times). https://www.seriouseats.com/how-to-make-pineapple-bacon-nachos

    6. 1. Start with quality nachos. I go for the grocery store’s freshly made in house variety.
       2. You’re not using enough cheese. Seriously they use a LOT of cheese in the restaurant. The cheese should be layered into the nachos, usually 2-3 layers.
       3. You’re not using the right cheese. Idk what the restaurants use but when I want something melty I always mix in gruyere. Trader Joe’s has a cheddar gruyere mix that’s pretty great. I’ll shred that and mix it together with pepper Jack or whatever you like, then top with some cotija and fresh chopped cilantro before serving.
       4. Fresh pico and herbs. The stuff from the store is never as good. Freshly chop your own onions, tomatoes, garlic, and cilantro, and mix together with fresh squeezed lime juice (not the bottled stuff).

       1. You can buy a block of chihuahua cheese. It’s super melty like the kind they use for queso fundido.

    7. If you have a blender, you can blend any cheese into a sauce with some hot water. Because you aren’t using fillers it will taste better than the grocery store nacho cheese sauces with a hundred ingredients.

       If you’re happy with your chips, I agree w/others that you should shred your own cheese since the anti-clumping coatings of pre-shredded cheese get in the way of meltability.

    8. If you don’t want to make a cheese sauce with a roux, put the shredded cheese on the chips and then put the whole thing in the oven or toaster oven to melt the cheese and crisp the chips.

    9. I have *feelings* about nachos.

       1. Each chip should have cheese on it at a minimum
       2. Chips should not get soggy

       Technique-wise, I lay chips out in a single layer on sheet pans and blanket them with cheese I grate myself. Cheddar, colby, jack, and pepperjack are all good, as are combos of same. I put them in a hot oven until the cheese is melted and a little toasty in a few spots.

       I keep my toppings separate, like a toppings bar. At a minimum there’s salsa, guacamole, sour cream, and sliced scallions. Frequently there’s also seasoned ground beef or chorizo, sliced olives, diced radishes, diced tomatoes, and pickled jalapenos. Each person can put some nachos on their own plate and add toppings at will. And I use smallish plates, because it’s better to make a second plate than to overload a big plate and let things get soggy.

       1. Here for your nacho feelings and great tips!!! Thank you.

    10. A roux is the answer here!

    11. I don’t melt the cheese separately. I grate a fresh block of Colby Jack cheese – this is crucial, must be Colby Jack and must not be pre shredded, then put a layer of chips on a sheet pan, get cheese on every chip, then put down another layer of chips and cheese. Pickled jalapeños optional. I cook this under the broiler on low on the second-closest rack height to the broiler, rotating once. I watch them like a hawk during the broiling.

        Any toppings other than the cheese are going to make the chips soggy, so if I’m doing “loaded” nachos, everyone adds their own toppings at the table.

    12. I love my Subaru Cross-trek, if that’s an option. Just the right “personal” size, without all that car behind me in an Outback or Forester. It’s modeled on a sedan, but is a wonderful hatch-back.

13. My mom needs a new (to her) car, but inflation has taken a serious bite out of her fixed income, and she might not be able to afford the SUV she wants. Since sedans are so much cheaper, do any of you know of sedans that have a traction mode for slippery winter weather? My FWD SUV has this, and I thought if I could find it in a sedan for mom, that’d be a good way to get her safety without the cost of an SUV.

    1. I just got a Subaru for the first time and love it. It is AWD, so traction should not be an issue.

       1. +1 the new Subaru Outbacks and Crosstreks have great AWD features. You could see what the Impreza has to offer as well.

          Failing that, I felt very safe in my bottom-heavy Ford Fusion when I lived in North Dakota. The heavy trunk had a stabilizing effect, and despite not being the most confident driver and being out on back roads with semi trucks everywhere, I was never in any sort of ice related accident, or even skidded and scared myself.

       2. I would advise against buying a Subaru. Beginning around 2011 the brand began having a lot of quality issues, and they are no longer the reliable workhorses they once were.

          1. +1 and my personal experience with a very $$ forester

             In my area they were the go to for years, now they are a rarity.
             Many Toyotas of all stripes currently

    2. You don’t need an SUB for safety! My Honda civic does just fine with no special traction features. I drive slow and smooth in snow or just stay home.

       1. My old Honda Civic did great in the snow/ice as well. It was a standard instead of automatic transmission and I wondered if that helped to slow down without using so much brake.

       2. I also have a Honda Civic but it totally depends on location. Someone in the Midwest or further north should not get a civic. I’m in the NYC area and WFH so I’m usually fine.

          1. Alternative option – I get winter tires put on my dinky 2WD sedan in Colorado (and I learned to drive in a place where, it snows 2x a year and we all sensibly stay home until it melts, so I wasn’t previously comfortable driving in snow) and I feel super safe. I took out to a very empty road and practiced stopping the first icy day.

             1. Yes, this! I used to live in Syracuse, NY, where we routinely got multiple inches of snow EVERY DAY (no joke!) in the first part of the winter and I drove a tiny FWD Ford Focus hatchback. I put snow tires on for the winter and it was absolutely fantastic in the snow. Better than my (current) Audi Q5 and (former) Subaru Forester, IMO (though I don’t put snow tires on any longer since I live in Chicago suburbs and snow tires are total overkill.). Neither an SUV nor AWD are necessary, but snow tires definitely do help in certain parts of the country.

       3. You don’t need an SUV for safety, but my elderly parents love their Honda CRVs (they got a second one when their Civic died) because it is much easier for them to get in and out of the CRVs than a lower set car. Your parents may have better/different leg strength, but it’s something to consider.

    3. An older Toyota RAV4 scouts potentially work for her? I have a 2017 hybrid and it’s great.

    4. Or a Toyota Camry. Great safety features.

    5. Winter tires are important here (not “all season”)

       1. +1 Winter tires or at least a very, very good all season. Get a sedan with all wheel drive. All wheel drive and good tires are going to make a huge difference in driving on wet and snowy roads.

       2. Yes, this! Either all-weather (NOT all-season) tires year round, or dedicated snow tires for the winter if they live in an area with solid winter weather. All-season tires are only fine if you don’t actually drive in all the seasons.

    6. There is now an AWD Camry. I have not driven the AWD Camry, but always drive AWD Toyota somethings and their AWD is fabulous on ice. I drove a Venza for a long time in our annual Atlanta ice storm as well through a couple of epic named storms in the Upper Midwest. My Toyota Sienna survived Snowmageddon and made it up and down roads in my hilly neighborhood like a champ. Between AWD and good tires, there are probably several sedans that would work.

    7. A lightly used Subaru or Volvo. I like the 1-2 year 10,000 ish miles mark for a used car.

14. How do you stop thinking about people who are no longer in your life? I go through periods where I can’t stop thinking about certain exes and former friends, and I really want it to stop. I don’t miss them, I’ve moved on a long time ago, married with kids, etc… I think the emotion I’m feeling is rejection, which isn’t exactly logical. It puts me in a bad mood. They, and that sad feeling of rejection, often appear in my dreams to (I have vivid dreams). I want to just forget about them and not think about them.

    1. I think you may be able to work through the feelings of rejection, at least in some cases, but it isn’t really rational to expect to forget that you’ve lived a whole life. Perhaps when a person comes into your mind, you can put a spin on it by forcing yourself to take a moment to think of a good memory, a positive trait they possess, or a lesson you learned from that relationship, and then move your attention to something current.

    2. I have started actually taking the suggestion of writing a letter to never send. I thought it was cheesy, but once I did it even for one person I realized how much more I hadn’t understood about my own feelings, or had never put into words. Now I do it whenever the memory of someone is bothering me.

    3. I try to find the reason for my feelings and then tell the person, and myself, (in my head or out loud to an empty room) that I’m releasing them from my life permenantly and they are not welcome back.

    4. You can try telling yourself it’s none of your business what they think or are up to, or what they think of you, or how they remember you, or whatever it is you ruminate over.

       Somehow reframing it as “none of my business” works for me.

    5. This happens to me, too. Just last night I had a dream about my ex husband and his affair partner. We divorced 6 years ago and I’m in a very happy relationship now! I also periodically remember old friends who I may or may not miss but who were important in my life.

       Two things have helped me deal with this.

       1. Being gentle with myself. Emotions and memories are often illogical, and they can pop up anytime. So I try to not beat myself up about it. Having the memory doesn’t mean anything about me as a person— just that my brain had a blip. I accept that I’ll think about these people periodically, and it happens to everyone.

       2. Mindfulness. Through mindfulness, I’ve learned how to have a thought and let it “pass by.” For me, that means that I don’t try to actively repress it. It will fade out if I just let it happen. When I’ve had a dream and I wake up in a bad mood, I try not to dwell on the dream and just recognize that anyone would be in a bad mood after this and it will pass. The emotion or memory will not last forever and will actually probably last less time if I just let myself feel or remember and then move along with my day.

       All of this is obviously easier said than done. I love the book Radical Acceptance. It’s taken me a while (years!) to get to this place, but these concepts really have changed my life with regard to thoughts that used to be highly distressing like this.

15. I don’t like my job, but even worse is that I oftentimes have NOTHING to do. I am so bored. I have brought this up with several levels of leadership multiple times and despite them saying that they’re looking for more to add to my plate, this has not happened (in nearly 2 years). Most days, I honestly have about an hour’s worth of work a day, if that.

    I am job searching, but that will likely take several months (I’m expecting 9-12 months). In the meantime, what can I do to keep myself occupied? I already read a TON of news (which is related to my job). I am working on a grad certificate (already have a Masters), but often can’t get away with doing school work at my desk (I’m in the office 4 days a week). I can do some online trainings, but need to find more. My two attempts at starting new initiatives at my job were shot down by leadership (leadership is very afraid of doing anything but sticking to the status quo).

    I know many people would love a job where you only work an hour a day, but I hate it. I feel so useless and I think it’s bad for my mental health to not be productive at all. My hobbies are pretty challenging, which helps scratch that itch but I still feel useless at work.

    1. Do you like ebooks? You can read them on a desktop. Have work related window open as well.

       I would also do my “electronic chores” like grocery planning, calendaring, signing up for activities, planning vacations, etc.

       1. This is what I do.

       2. Sorry, I should have clarified that I’m looking for work related things to do! I do plenty of these tasks during the day too.

    2. I made this list for a similar question awhile back, so sharing again:

       Home related:
       – Request and transfer any medical records from prior healthcare/dental/eye care providers to your current providers so they have your complete file. (For you and any family members.)
       – Related, make/attend any periodic healthcare appointments you’ve due for.
       – If you pick up any recurring prescriptions in person, transfer them to a mail-delivery pharmacy (Amazon Pharmacy has free delivery I believe).
       – Find and schedule any home or lawn care service you need but have been putting off.
       – Cancel any recurring subscriptions or charges that you no longer use.
       – Research whether it would be a financial gain to refinance any outstanding debt and if so, go through the application and do it.
       – Register for pet boarding for any upcoming vacations, even if they’re months away.
       – Set up auto-pay for any payments that you’re still making manually or by check.
       – Click through and print any labels for any online returns.
       – Put in calendar reminders to order/send birthday or other holiday gifts for family members.
       – Sign kids up for any extracurriculars they are interested in but not engaged in yet.
       – Update your contact information with any schools/workplaces of which you are an alum, or any professional or personal organizations of which you’re a longtime member.
       – Schedule a family photo session.
       – Order boxes of cards and stamps to have on hand to send when needed.

       Work related:
       – Plan a networking event (either work sponsored or not).
       – Attend a conference (either virtual or on site).
       – Visit and have catch-up meetings with other offices or departments (if applicable).
       – Address any “pain points” with your office tech or equipment that aren’t worth dealing with in busier times (i.e., web cam that’s at a weird angle, headphones that don’t connect reliably, chair that won’t raise or lower).
       – Turn in any receipts for reimbursement.
       – Research any benefits you may be entitled to but aren’t signed up for or taking advantage of (cell phone reimbursement, commuter expenses, office equipment).

    3. Would you be able to convince your current company to send you to additional training/certificates that you could do during the workday beyond your online trainings? Maybe cross-train in another team/department- even if just shadowing their work- for a greater understanding of how their role and yours interact?

       Don’t forget to make sure you’re taking your entire lunch break away from your desk- get outside if you can to help with the boredom. I also did as much of my reading for school as I could during my downtime at work, although it wasn’t as bad as yours.

    4. Ymmv on this but when I was in this situation before I just did the improvements I wanted as far as I could without leadership approval. Depending on your role this could be doing market research, putting together a proposal of actions based on research, and actually building out full action plan including a pilot proposal. Sometimes when people say their manager rejected new ideas, it’s because the manager couldn’t see how it could logistically work or people didn’t back up with enough data. I’ll also build standard operating procedures, checklists. I’ll conduct manager or employee training on key topics. And then lots of time for getting a new certification or course. For online trainings, I’ve liked ecornell for a variety if you can get them paid for. I’ll also just start volunteering for things even outside my job.

16. How do you wear gauze shirts? I am a lumpy size 16 so a skin-tight tank doesn’t feel right to me…

    1. I haven’t tried it at work yet. But wear a gauze button down tucked in or half tucked with jeans and nice sandals. Mine is light pink, not see through.

    2. I wear them open over a crop top, which is probably not what you want. I also wear them to the beach as a coverup.

    3. Darker colors don’t require anything underneath. With lighter colors, I wear a cotton tank from Target in a matching color.

    4. I don’t other than as swim coverups.

    5. I remember when gauze, and other fabrics, were not see-through. Sigh. I swear my biggest incentive to lose weight is to get into some old clothes that are made of high quality fabric even though they are “mall clothes”. OP, for the time being I’ve bought some EF linen tanks to wear under my stupidly see-through summer tops.

    6. I wear them over a woven linen tank.

       1. +1, my outfits are similar. I treat them like a cardigan. I have a couple and I’m wearing the heck out of them.

          1. “Treat them like a cardigan” is my philosophy too. I also wear them over sundresses or tshirt dresses.

17. Anyone have a favorite “working from home – do not disturb” door sign?

    1. Oh, do I feel this! Why is the closed door insufficient? Yet here we are.

       1. SO and I started living together recently and I Do Not Understand why a closed door is not enough. Especially for the bathroom. Especially for the master bath which does not have a lock. At least my office door locks?

          When I ask my friends for advice they helpfully say, well don’t have kids if you don’t want someone interrupting you! Because apparently we have the same expectations of a grown man and a toddler.

          1. I really don’t understand this, either (though I don’t understand low expectations for men, in general).

             I would honestly talk to him about this at a time when it’s not actively happening. Especially barging into the bathroom is weird and invasive. If he pushes back or argues, I’d ask him why he feels like it’s okay to do something I find invasive after I’ve asked him not to. Then if he kept doing it, I’d ask myself whether I like being with someone who won’t respect such a reasonable boundary!

             For people who have kids and husbands barging into the office, I’d do the same. And would also ignore/refuse to engage if they disrespect that unless there’s an ACTUAL emergency. I’m assuming the kids in question are old enough to understand.

             1. Ime when you say something they’re all, oh sorry didn’t realize it was so invasive!, but they keep doing it. Always with a “whoops sorry!” when you remind them. Sometimes accompanied by a sad puppy dog look when youre particularly grouchy about it. My favorite is when they’re apologizing as they open the door. Like, is the house burning down? No? Then you can wait five minutes!

             2. I don’t have kids so I don’t know what to do there (I would guess you should impose a consequence for this behavior at some point and stick to it).

                But for boyfriends, I just honestly wouldn’t accept the behavior. Maybe I’m mean or picky or whatever, but kindness to me is a minimum criteria, and repeatedly violating an understandable, clear, and objectively reasonable boundary is unkind.

    2. Well, not exactly what you want, but at a previous job if I didn’t want to be disturbed, I would put a sign on my door that said, Knock if it’s interesting.

    3. A giant “NO”

    4. Someone mentioned putting a traffic cone in their driveway on the Carolyn Hax chat. A traffic cone in front of my door would totally be my style, though I don’t WFH.

    5. Who do you need this for? If it’s for someone ringing my doorbell, I just ignore it while I”m working. If it’s for the door to my office, I’d expect anyone in the home to understand that I’m working and to only knock if it’s important (and to text me if it’s not time sensitive).

    6. Amazon actually has a bunch of cute options (bc of course):

       https://www.amazon.com/Working-Please-Knock-Disturb-20×30/dp/B08F2JGLL7/ref=sr_1_4?crid=1G8VJX2SXA7XL&keywords=working+from+home+do+not+disturb&qid=1689006546&sprefix=working+from+home+do+not+disturb%2Caps%2C175&sr=8-4

       https://www.amazon.com/Working-Home-Sign-Disturb-Soliciting/dp/B0BN1KBC26/ref=sr_1_5?crid=1G8VJX2SXA7XL&keywords=working+from+home+do+not+disturb&qid=1689006546&sprefix=working+from+home+do+not+disturb%2Caps%2C175&sr=8-5

       https://www.amazon.com/Working-Disturb-Packages-Buffalo-Decoration/dp/B0BHRWVFPR/ref=sr_1_6?crid=1G8VJX2SXA7XL&keywords=working+from+home+do+not+disturb&qid=1689006546&sprefix=working+from+home+do+not+disturb%2Caps%2C175&sr=8-6

    7. Apparently not. My closed door means nothing to my husband, kids, or cat.

    8. “DO NOT DISTURB”

       “ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK. REALLY.”

       “IF IT’S NOT BLEEDING, I’M NOT INTERESTED”

       1. If I’m in the bathroom and the door is closed, someone had better be bleeding or dying if they’re trying to talk to me. It can wait!

    9. Have you had a conversation with your husband / kids / whomever is disturbing you about this? I’m pretty appalled that so many people here are saying their loved ones aren’t respecting the closed door!

       1. I doesn’t warrant a “conversation.” It’s a closed door. If she has a sign on it that says do not disturb, don’t disturb. Why can’t people respect it.?

       2. I don’t think this request was about an internal sign, but rather a sign for the front door of the home. I am sure this is not a problem for some, but I get it. I live in a small SFH in an urban neighborhood. It is one of those (terrible pitiful sad sorry per this board) homes with the front door in the living room, where I often work and take video calls. People knock on my door pretty often, mostly unexpectedly and unwelcome. Sometimes (usually) it is someone coming to request to do yard work or some other home service. Sometimes it is a neighbor with an unimportant issue. Sometimes it is a kid selling something or an Amazon driver leaving a package. Every knock means a barking dog in my house. And some of the yard people knock repeatedly for a long period if they can tell you are home. If I am on a Zoom, esp if that is virtual court, but even an important client meeting, a knock is disastrous. The Amazon signs above are great and I am going to buy one.

18. Have you been to weddings in recent years and thought there is WAY more drinking than what would’ve been considered normal ten or fifteen years ago?

    DH and I are in our early 40s. We and most of our friend group married a decade ago. The weddings back then were fun and definitely a lot of partying and drinking. The last two weddings we’ve gone to however we were kind of stunned that the vibe was more college frat party than wedding in terms of behavior. One couple was ages 36 and 38, so well past the college stage of their lives. The other was 24 and 28, so of course we expected that one to be more wild. Both weddings were beautiful but the bride, groom, bridal party, most of their friends were drunk to the point where it felt like, they’re not going to remember this tomorrow. Which seems kind of a shame given how much was being spent on these weddings and how much effort the couples put in to have exactly the type of days they wanted.

    The one we went to on Saturday, it was a 2 pm ceremony and the bride, groom, and bridal party had clearly been drinking a fair amount in advance of the ceremony – not just a drink to calm the nerves type of thing. By the time they were introduced at the reception – everyone walked in drunk drunk, with a drink in hand when walking in. DH and I are no prudes but were like wow I thought it was common to save this type of thing until later in the night and into the after party, when mom and dad, grandparents, other random older relatives are taking off for the night and it’s just your friends.

    Is this a new trend? Or just – people want to have a good time now, having been through a pandemic in recent years? I feel like an elder telling people to get off my lawn, but I’m curious.

    1. I think people just want to have a good time! Although I think your post comes off a bit judgmental, I do agree with you as far as remembering the day that the couple put so much time, effort and money into.

    2. I have noticed this. Life felt easier when I got married though; it’s true!

    3. although I think it’s not very tasteful to show up drunk to your own wedding, I’ve been attending weddings since the late 90s and the biggest “partying” wedding I attended was in 2002, so not sure it’s a post-Covid thing.

    4. I’m 33 so just went to the last wedding in a string of a zillion weddings that started when I was like 25. I’d say I haven’t noticed a trend one way or the other– in my circle people are drinking about the same at a wedding as they always have, which is to say that there’s sometimes one or two guests that overdo it, but everyone else is good. I’d say most people save the heavier drinking for later in the reception and into the afterparty. And I don’t think I’ve ever seen the bride or groom wasted.

    5. I’ve seen it, too. It seems like I’ve encountered more than a few couples where the mentality is that a wedding is “just” a big party. I fundamentally disagree, but I’m also in my early 40s. For couples that have been living together for a long time or have already had adult milestones together, there’s probably some truth to that.

       1. All of this.

       2. I agree. Also, in my experience, a late-thirties couple is less likely than twenty-somethings to wait until the elders leave the reception to get the party started. That means heavy drinking earlier in the event.

    6. Interestingly I’m in the planning stages now for an event and just had a conversation where everyone including the event coordinator agreed they are seeing people drink less, not more these days. This is a business function but I’d say that’s pretty true in my social life as well – less hard alcohol at parties, lots more mocktails,and lots of people not drinking because they’re doing something important the next day. I also see more vaping/edibles but less alcohol in my social circles but I’m in MA not TX so ymmv w/r/t weed.

       1. Same (except for the cannabis; it’s not a thing here). Peak drunkenness for my social circles seems to have been about 1 year into the pandemic; now people are much more likely to be upfront that they are cutting back, quitting entirely, or abstaining on a particular day.

    7. 1. If you used to drink more at weddings then you might not have noticed how drunk everyone else was at the reception.

       2. I’m in that weddings-twice-a-month phase of my late twenties and I’ve never noticed the wedding party full-on drunk at the ceremony. This might just be a thing in your social circle or city.

       3. Being in a wedding party is more demanding than it used to be. These days it’s common to show up by 8am for professional hair and makeup then do a lengthy photo session (potentially at multiple locations). The couple feels more pressure to make everything as instagram-perfect as other weddings they’ve seen online so the stress level is higher. The last time I was a bridesmaid I remember thinking at 3pm how badly I could use a drink. Being wasted that early is weird but I’m not surprised you saw the wedding party with a drink in their hand.

       1. I honestly do think that bridal parties are asked to do SO much esp on the bride’s side for months and months leading up to weddings – from throwing the perfect IG worthy showers to bachelorette trips to whatever else, that by the time they get to the wedding day, they are DONE. I think lots of bridal parties these days go in thinking – time to party, even before the ceremony is done. And it isn’t their parents that are in attendance or paying for this event, so they don’t care what people think. I do think that walking into the reception drink in hand is common for bridal parties in a way that it wasn’t because people are like – whatever I’m done with working this hard for this couple no matter how much I love them, time to party.

          1. I hadn’t thought about this, but it makes a lot of sense. The expectations are so much higher than show up, go to an in-town bachelorette party, wear a pretty dress.

             1. I want to say, conversely, there are definitely couples and weddings that are lower-key, but you don’t know about them because they don’t post online about it, ha!

    8. Not true in every family of course, but as the last decade or so has gone by I feel like there has been a shift TOWARDS couples and away from parents or family. Meaning -brides and grooms are very much more concerned about what they want their day to be like and much less concerned about what mom and dad or grandma or whomever will think. I’ve seen this regardless of whether the couple is 24 or 38, and even in instances where mom and dad are paying for the wedding. For most people that means an event that is more targeted towards their friends, partying, drinking – no matter how it looks to others. I’m not judging that one way or the other as every family and family relationship is different.

       DH and I too are in our early 40s and it seems like when we married, we and most of our friends did hold back at our weddings a bit because we were worried – about being good hosts, what will grandma say, what will my brand new inlaws say. Not saying we didn’t party and have fun, we really did but as you say a lot of that fun was saved for after parties or events that the families wouldn’t be at.

       1. This is basically my take too, though I’m not sure which generation has caused the shift. People aren’t afraid of offending their parents/grandparents with their drinking. Now, whether that’s because the kids know that the parents/grandparents don’t care about drinking (or are themselves heavy drinkers), or whether the kids just don’t care what other people think, idk.

       2. I think there are several factors to this shift.
          – Parents are less likely to foot the bill for the entire wedding now, so they now get less say.
          – My grandparents’ generation, while filled with lovely people had pretty rigid views on how things should be done. That generation is dying out (I’m not married yet and have no living grandparents left), so there’s less need to do XYZ for grandma. The younger grandparents generation is stereotypically less focused on things being “proper” or done a certain way. My mom and her generation certainly still care about things that would never even cross my mind, but they care a lot less than their parents did.
          – “Trends” in drinking have changed. My grandparents had two cocktails every night, no more no less. Now, my generation is much more likely to do a dry month and then go really hard at an event.
          – My parents and their friends drink and are a fun crowd. In my 20s, I will sometimes choose to go out with them because they’re just really fun. My parents and their friends stay at the after parties at weddings and enjoy dancing (and drinking) as much as my friends and I do. As a result, I don’t feel like I have to “behave” or stay sober around them; they’re having as much fun as I am.
          – I’m glad that I can let loose and have fun in front of my family (parents and extended family). I’d hate having to feel like I have to perform or act a certain way.

          That being said, I go to a bunch of weddings and only very rarely get drunk drunk (and when that does happen, it’s late in the evening). I usually maintain a fun tipsy level and don’t go further than that.

       3. This is a good observation; I thought about my grandparents at every step of wedding planning, but they were also silent generation and relatively formal and being respectful around them was a big thing!

          My boomer parents by contrast have always preferred to be regarded as hip and fun, so I imagine their presence doesn’t exert the same pressure on planning (respecting their wishes means including them in the fun stuff if anything).

          1. Yup, my parents “demands” for my wedding were that we get a band instead of a DJ and that they and their friends also be invited to the after party because they’re fun people and they didn’t want to miss out on the fun.

    9. I’ve been to a bunch of weddings lately (I’m 29), and my crowd goes pretty hard but no one is sloppy until later in the night.

    10. This has not been my experience, but my friend circle has a fair number of parents and teetotalers at this stage of my life. I got married last year at 38 and was 12 weeks pregnant. There was a lot of imbibing at my wedding but very few people were sloppy. I know more people who were soberish on their wedding day than falling down drunk, so this sounds like anecdata.

    11. My mom and dad talk about how weddings usually involved a champagne toast and that was it for booze. No open bars.

        Wedding have gotten BIG in the last several decades. I think having a huge party is just part of the escalation that includes separate engagement parties, showers (multiple) and weekend+ bachelorette parties. I’m 58 and every bachelorette party I went to in my 20s and 30s was a night on the town in our city, not a weekend away.

        1. When were your parents attending weddings? I have pictures of my grandparents at a friend’s wedding in the late 40s (right around the time they were married too) and they’re holding cocktails in the picture. My parents and their friends were married in the mid 80s-mid 90s and those weddings also involved open bars.

           You’re my mom’s age and their bachelorettes were usually weekends down the shore or out downtown (we’re in Philly, lots of people have family shore houses). While I don’t love the destination bachelorette parties, I do understand why they happen: members of the bridal party are more likely to live all over the country now, so choosing a destination might make more sense, depending on where people are living. The last bachelorette I went to had people from seven different cities at it!

           1. San Francisco. Same as me.

    12. The last wedding I went to just a couple of weekends ago had one bar for the cocktail hour and one for the reception, with two bartenders serving 150ish guests. I waited in line for over 20 minutes for a glass of wine! (Which the waiters weren’t serving at the tables). But all the friends of the bride and groom were smashed by the time we left, about an hour after dinner. I think there was some serious pre-gaming going on, plus I know I was in line for that long because people were cutting in with friend groups and having several rounds before I got to the front.

        Poor organization aside, there was a determined to get drunk spirit among the guests. The wedding was at an out of the way country club and the parking lot was full, so it wasn’t like people took Ubers so they could drink. I’m glad we left early enough to be off the roads well before they were on them.

    13. These days in my late 30s a wedding is basically the only time I get together with a big group of people to have fun. Let people have fun!

        1. Serious question: why does “having fun” = “drinking to excess” for some people? I drink, but getting sloppy drunk at events has never been my thing. I understand people having a couple of cocktails – I enjoy that myself – but I have also noticed the “wedding turning into a frat party” thing (it even happened at one baby shower I went to!) and I just don’t get it. I think people who think you need to get vomiting/blackout drunk to have a good time and “have fun” need to ask themselves if they have a problem with alcohol. Because drinking is one thing and getting sloppy drunk is something else.

           1. Because some people do enjoy that feeling of being very drunk, especially with friends. I don’t, but I also don’t enjoy being high or bungee jumping or playing guitar or camping. It’s okay for people to like different things, and it doesn’t mean they have a bad relationship with alcohol. One incident of binge drinking every year does not mean you have a problem. Different if it’s every weekend, but it doesn’t sound like that’s the case here.

    14. your sample size is two, I wouldn’t read too much into this.

19. So my boss, the head of our division, left the job and we have an interim head while the replacement search is undertaken. Many people have told me that I am a strong candidate to be the next head and I applied. Come to find out that the leadership has started reviewing applicants and “wants to go external” for the new division head, possibly for reasons related to my old boss’s relationship management with leadership. I am disappointed that it’s not my chance to be the head, but I also want to be careful that I am reading this situation. Why “go outside”? I am recognized for my potential across the company and by competitors outside, I have a strong performance track record, and have good “leadership ratings”, if you will. I don’t have sour grapes though: I like my current job and will have great projects to do in my existing role without the new division head role and the possible challenges it would bring.

    This has brought me to ask some introspective professional questions, but also it has taken me aback and I feel a bit on the defensive now that I know leadership passed on me for this role. Do I need to take action (like shoring up evidence that I lead projects and meet performance goals) to be sure that I’m not vulnerable when the new “outside” head and leadership take things forward? Do I need to hear some tough political feedback? How can I find this out when everyone is so positive with what they volunteer? Is it time to look outwards to other opportunities? What tea leaves should I try to read?

    thank you for your thoughts!

    1. This happens allll the time. You’re never a prophet in your own land, so to speak. I have seen so many good, dedicated people passed over because leadership has it in their head that someone external is going to be better in some intangible way (that rarely pays off, imho).

       1. This feels good to hear based on my experience (below). I was obviously biased, but this is definitely how it played out when I got passed over.

          1. I made the original comment, but it’s happened to me, too. I took it very personally. Then I started to notice how often it was happening for other positions, too. I can tell you that it really made me think twice about putting myself out there again.

       2. Agree. If there are resident problems in the division, the idea seems to be that an outside person will be able to come in with no attachments or loyalties, put “fresh eyes” on the problems, and fix them in some way no one has ever thought of before. If things are successful, the idea is a new person from the outside will come in, see areas for innovation, and be able to motivate people in some kind of new, different way to achieve greater heights. Sometimes these expectations play out as anticipated; sometimes not.

          OP, I would not internalize this as much as you are internalizing it. I have worked for a couple of companies where for the top division-level positions, they never promoted from within. I wouldn’t assume that you weren’t the person for the job because of something you did.

          You mention asking for “tough political feedback” – it’s not a bad idea, but be prepared for “the truth will set you free, but first it will really make you mad” kinds of statements. Which may be, you’re fantastic but they felt like you had weaknesses in X or Y area that couldn’t be overcome (even if you were willing to do the work to bridge gaps) and thus they went with an outside hire.

          Also, before you hear the feedback, think about what you’ll do with the information. Are you invested in this company for the long haul? Are you willing to twist yourself into a pretzel to be what they want? Or is the better move to stay put until the time is right, and then make a move? Knowing what you want out of your career and your life before you hear the feedback is the best way to make sure you won’t end up contorting yourself into uncomfortable positions to try to please the company, and end up in places you didn’t expect, and don’t want to be in.

          Remember: you’re the captain of your own ship, in regard to your career. What do you want? Where do you want to go? What are you willing to do, or not willing to do, to get where you want to go? Only you have the answers to those questions, and now’s a good time to zero in on those answers before the regime change.

    2. Apply anyway. There’s often a starry eyed view that a magic unicorn exists externally and then reality sets in and companies hire internally. Don’t count yourself out until you’ve given it an actual go.

    3. This happened to me under similar circumstances. I was officially one of 2 finalists for the job, but they hired someone from outside instead. All of your ideas so far are valid.

       Shortly after I got passed over for the promotion, my management asked me to take on another set of responsibilities. It was not at all the same kind of opportunity, but I used it to get a 15% raise which I thought of as basically a retention raise. They knew I wanted to move up, but since they weren’t letting me, they were apparently willing to pay me more. I stayed for about another 1.5 years and used that salary to negotiate my next job.

       Unless promotion opportunities come up often at your employer, I would lean toward leaving.

       1. This. If they aren’t working to promote you, then you also need to “go external.” You already brushed up your resume to apply for the promotion, so it’s time to start looking and networking. It sounds like you like your current role, so it’s fine to be picky. But it’s time to start your exit plan.

    4. I don’t think you should read tea leaves; I think you should ask directly either by applying or talking to the hiring manager/your grandboss/whomever!

20. Has anyone had ear pain/pressure with a strep infection & how long did it take to go away? I had early strep symptoms (fever & sore throat) Wednesday, started antibiotics Friday morning, my fever broke by Saturday but my throat was still pretty sore until today. I woke up feeling mostly normal in the throat today but my ears feel incredibly clogged, like if I open my jaw too wide it hurts in my ears, the way you sometimes feel after flying. The ear pain is also (I think) causing constant twinge-y pains in the back of my head that aren’t excruciating but are very annoying. I called my doctor and they said there is nothing they can do – if it’s viral if it will pass on its own, and if it’s an ear infection the antibiotics I’m still on will treat it. Just wondering if anyone else experienced something like this and how long it took to go away because I’m pretty miserable!

    1. This happens to me pretty much every time I get a cold or have bad allergies. It can come and go for several days or a week, but if it’s really bothering you, try taking sudafed (the real kind you have to get from behind the pharmacy counter).

    2. There’s a reason that certain doctors specialize in ears, nose, and throat – they’re all connected. OTC steroid nasal sprays like Flonase can help with ear pain if it’s caused by inflammation. You can also take some tylenol or ibuprofen to help with pain.

       It sounds awful, I hope you get some relief soon!

    3. look up ear lymphatic drainage massage videos on you tube, they can help you move some of the pressure out of your ears! I swear they work.

    4. For whatever it’s worth, Mucinex is a godsend for me for clogged eustachian tubes. You have to drink a whole glass of water when you take one or two Mucinex pills. For me, it’s like a miracle as the ear tubes clear up, as if my magic!

    5. I like to use salt water drops in ampulles – not spray – when I need help clearing the horizontal sinuses that go towards the ears. Also, drops with oxymetazoline, not sprays.

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