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This company is new to me, but I really like the look of the products — especially this laptop tote (with a ton of organization inside!) and a trolley sleeve! (It also has a crossbody strap… and metal feet, yes!) I feel like it's unusual to see a boxy leather tote with a luggage strap, so I really like this. The bag features a “removable insert with multiple compartments: a big pocket for your laptop or iPad (up to 15 in.), three smaller interior pockets for valuables, and four exterior pockets for, well, everything else.”
The bag comes in four colors for $178.
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Sales of note for 10.10.24
- Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
- Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
- Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
- White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles
anon
The straps on this are way too short if you’re not putting it on a suitcase. Pass.
Cat
Same, the sleeve is a nice feature, but totally impractical for carrying another way. A crossbody strap for a boxy tote doesn’t solve the problem – all that does is amputate your b–b.
anonshmanon
Hotel/Motel/whatever recs for a stay on the Southern California Coast? Starting a road trip late in the day from LA northbound, and want to drive a bit, then stop somewhere cute for the night. I am a sucker for a good breakfast buffet.
Senior Attorney
Cambria is nice and Linn’s Fruit Bin is a great restaurant for breakfast although I don’t think they have a buffet. Highly recommend a stop at Hearst Castle while you’re in the neighborhood, too.
If you don’t want to go that far, Ventura has some reasonably priced options and Santa Barbara has some ridiculously priced but very nice options.
DC pandas
+1 to driving to the central coast. I grew up going to Cayucos (south of Cambria). If you head to heart castle, you could stop in Harmony (pop. 18) for the creamery and glass-blowing shop.
Anon
If you’re starting late, I wouldn’t go any further than Santa Barbara or maybe Solvang or someplace else in the Santa Ynez Valley if you can comfortably get there before dark. You want to actually be able to see what you’re driving past. Agree with SA that Ventura will have better hotel options than Santa Barbara, unless you want to spend $$$$$. I also agree that the Hearst Castle is a must see- it finally re-opened after a couple years of renovations and I assume it still requires reservations, so plan ahead. I also love the elephant seals that are just down the road from the Hearst Castle and the sea otters in Morro Bay.
AIMS
+1 to Hearst Castle.
When we did a similar trip, our first stop was for the night was in Morro Bay, followed by Monterey (Hearst Castle in between) and Big Sur thereafter … If you make it to Big Sur, definitely stop for lunch in Nepenthe.
Anon
Yes to Cambria and Hearst Castle. Specifically, the Cambria Landing Inn & Suites along Moonstone Beach is cute. Also check out the Piedras Blancas elephant seal rookery around sunset if you get the chance.
Anon
Ok it was years ago so I don’t know if they still have it, but the breakfast buffet at the Marriott in Dana Point used to be absolutely incredible
Senior Attorney
Haha except Dana Point is south of L.A. ;)
Senior Attorney
Hey, can I share a fun story about my sweet husband? Last fall we went to a fundraiser for our local symphony and pops and he bid on and won the chance to conduct the National Anthem at a pops concert here in town this summer. It’s a huge event — an outdoor concert at the County Arboretum with maybe a couple of thousand people in attendance including, as it turned out, pretty much everybody we know. He was super nervous leading up to it but we went the night before and he rehearsed with the orchestra, and then on the night of, he just ROCKED IT. He conducted with a flourish and even gave a bow as he walked off stage. I was busting my buttons with pride! He is a quiet guy who secretly likes to have people pay attention to him, so he was just in his element — people kept stopping by our table all night long to congratulate him, and then for the next couple of days people were posting video of him on the Jumbotron on their social media, and it was just a blast.
Thank you for letting me brag, and please share your own fun stories!!
Vicky Austin
Oh, that’s so, so lovely! What a fun thing for him – and you, too!
Anon
This is really great! You must have felt so proud and happy for him!
Anon
How fun, and what a moment for your husband!!
Anonymous
As, what fun! In college our wind ensemble used to have an annual essay contest for kids where the prize was the chance to conduct The Stars and Stripes Forever. It was so cute to see how seriously they took the job. They even got to keep the baton.
Senior Attorney
Yes! Hubby got to keep his baton, too!! We are going to blow up a photo from the Jumbotron and frame it along with the baton!
Jules
That’s wonderful!
Anonish
That is so charming, and really made me smile!
ArenKay
That’s pretty cute.
BeenThatGuy
This is great!
Ses
Love this story – he sounds adorable
Annie Nominous
What an absolutely fun experience! Share here anytime.
Anon
I love this. Thanks for telling us.
C2
Favorite entertaining or humorous travelogue books? I’ve enjoyed Bill Bryson and read much of his work. Would love to expand my library and check out your recommendations, especially by women writers!
Duckles
Totally different tone than BB, but I enjoyed What I Was Doing While You Were Breeding as a travelogue. Also the book from one of the creators of Broad City.
C2
Thanks!
Anonymous Grouch
Anything by Tim Cahill. Also Paul Theroux but they can be a little darker.
C2
Thank you!
Anonymous
Blue Highways is old but a great fun read.
Anonymous
Annie Hawes’s books from Italy are my favorites. The first one is Extra Virgin: Amongst the Olive Groves of Liguria.
They are twenty years old, but well worth getting hold of, they are funny and you WILL want to travel to Italy.
I also enjoyed Frances Mayes’ Under the Tuscan Sun back in the day.
For a true classic, H.V. Morton’s In search of London – written in the 40ies. He’s very funny. Or if fiction would be all right – Three Men in a Boat!
Unaccomplished
How do you discuss your big achievements with others? A lot of my IRL friends aren’t in similar fields so they don’t really ‘get’ what I’m doing. Online people tend to either question legitimacy or just call something a humble brag. This means for the past 3 years I haven’t told a soul about any of the really big stuff I’ve done. It’s super isolating and lonely. I’m sure part of it is being socialized female and always being told to be humble, demure, quiet etc. So I have a lot of internalized feelings that I’m not allowed to be great or call attention to myself. Any ideas?
(If anyone cares I just finished a round of UN negotiations I’m especially proud of)
Senior Attorney
Hooray! Congratulations!!
If it were me I would be posting the crap out of the press clippings on my social media and saying “Super happy and proud of this great outcome!” And I would delete the haters’ comments.
Also call your friends and say “I just wrapped up this huge work thing! Can I buy a drink and tell you all about it tonight?”
Senior Attorney
Coming back to say that I feel like buying them a drink and telling them about it is a good way to deepen your friendships, too.
Anon
Do you have professional colleagues you can talk to, either IRL or virtually? Those are the people who actually understand what those accomplishments mean and most want to hear more about them. This doesn’t necessarily mean just people you work with, but groups of early career women, or other similar groups that exist to help support each other.
Anne-on
+1 – I am part of a professional group for my rather niche role and it is SO nice to ping this stuff to our message boards/whatsapp my colleagues who truly get it and can celebrate with me. My friends will happily go out for a drink to celebrate but they don’t ‘get’ it in the same way and they also aren’t really into the postmortem ‘oh my gosh, how did you navigate noted crank so and so, or I heard the deadline was crazy short this year, how was that for you?!?’.
Deedee
I second posting your achievements and clippings on LinkedIn! That’s not bragging at all!
Do you have a BFF or significant other who can help brag and underscore your accomplishments among your broader friend group? Focusing on having one person on your team who really gets it (maybe not the technical details, but who makes an effort to understand the accomplishments and the significance of your work) can both make you feel good and also help others understand and congratulate accordingly (i.e. “did you hear about Accomplished’s big negotiation last month? A toast to her!”).
Also, congratulations!! You sound very accomplished to me :)
Vicky Austin
UN negotiations?? One that you’re especially proud of, meaning there have been others?? You are a badass and I’d like to be your friend. Holy crap.
I love to ask people, “so what’s something you’ve never gotten to brag about that you’d like to brag about?” because people have WEIRD and wonderful answers. I’d ask a friend out for drinks and say, “I have great work news, would you like to come celebrate with me?” and then tell them it’s their turn to brag. I would go in a heartbeat.
Vicky Austin
PS – I’m an accountant and I get how hard it can be to explain work accomplishments to people outside the field, but you explained it to us in just a few words and we’re all suitably impressed, so have no fear on that point!
Anonymous
Aw thanks that means a lot! Yes your reading is right, this isn’t my first rodeo there have been many negotiations. I’m proud of this one since not a single member state opposed the proposal I put forth which is pretty uncommon.
You’ve given me the courage to text out some invitations for drinks!
Jules
Go you!
Vicky Austin
That’s f^cking amazing, you rockstar. Enjoy your time with friends – and don’t forget to tell us about your next world-changing just-another-day-at-the-office, too!
PolyD
I knew Amal posted here! How are George and the twins??
S
All my friends share work accomplishments on our various text chains — you don’t? You should! And find friends who do! I can’t imagine not sharing work struggles and joys with friends.
Anon
+1 none of my friends do the same things and most of us don’t really fully understand what the others do but we ALWAYS share and celebrate each others’ achievements!!
Anonymous
I have a group of attorney friends who understand what a certain accomplishment means and I like sharing with them. But also my life-long best friend (we literally grew up together–went to the same day care and learned to walk together lol) is in a completely different field from me and even though she doesn’t necessarily understand the ins and outs of what I do, she is the biggest cheerleader and will patiently listen as I explain my weird niche field to her lol. And I try and do the same for her! She is a math wiz and her job sounds like Greek to me, but I try and understand and support her as well.
Your accomplishments sound amazing and I think you should feel free to brag away!
Tara
That’s so impressive! How do your friends not get that UN negotiations aren’t a big deal? I don’t have any actual advice so just wanted to say that even without knowing details or being in the field that sounds really cool, and that you are absolutely allowed to call attention to yourself.
I was part of a huge project that was ultimately very successful and that you definitely know the impact of. So everyone in my life knew, and I even had some friends who introduced me to others with that fact. I think eventually I just learned to own it. Other people would be demonstrably proud of it, and I did accomplish it, and I am an expert on that, so why not?
anon
TELL YOUR FRIENDS! TELL US HERE! I don’t think you can avoid all the haters, so just ignore. I would love to hear all about this if I were your friend.
Jules
I agree with other suggestions, and you certainly can explain your achievement to friends in other fields with a simple-emough summary that they can celebrate with you even if they don’t understand the details. And, of course, post here!
Also, UN negotiations?! That is amazing! (And if you are the person who doesn’t feel able to brag about being married to George Clooney we.are.here.for.you.)
Senior Attorney
*snort*
Unaccomplished
Haha I’m definitely just a nobody normal person and so is my spouse!
Anon
Yay!!!! Congratulations!!!
People either accuse me of being useless or are stunned into silence when they find out what I’ve done. I just avoid people like that socially….
Ses
Wow, congrats! Post your city and I bet one of us will buy you a drink and listen with great interest!
Anonymous
Just because they don’t 100% get it doesn’t mean you don’t tell them. Honestly a weird you thing that you aren’t.
Anon
Just because they don’t 100% get it doesn’t mean you don’t tell them. Honestly a weird you thing that you aren’t.
Anonymous
How much would you expect to pay a dog walker in suburban Va – think Alexandria but not Old Town, more the area closer to Franconia. Do rates vary based on type of dog? DH and I are wanting to get a relatively big dog but with both of us out of the house now in the office, we’d need a dog walker at least once or twice per day.
Anon
I’m in a different city with a similar COL. I’ve never heard of a dog walker charging based on the size of the dogs for walks. We pay $22 per half hour walk. The range here seems to be $20-30 for that service.
Anon
A few girls I know from college have recently gotten implants. I feel like it is just so strange that normal people are getting such invasive surgeries for cosmetic reasons? Like it’s so bad for you? Idk, I guess I feel like it’s a dystopian thing how many celebrities basically get surgically reconstructed, and it’s even more bizarre seeing how it’s trickling down into normal people getting these things done.
Am I just being judgmental? Does it freak anyone else out in terms of worrying about women feeling pressured to fit a certain ideal and get literal surgery to meet it?
Anon
Eh. Good for them, not for you. FWIW, I got a reduction which was for both comfort and cosmetic reasons. It was one of the best choices I’ve made.
Imagine looking in the mirror every day and being uncomfortable with a part of you. Well, if you knew you could fix that, it’s not unreasonable that you would. I do think there’s such a thing as too much; however, I know that from my experience, I would do it 10x over.
Anon
Yes you are judgmental. Implants, especially up top, has been exceptionally common for over 30 years, and when done well, you cannot tell and it helps people feel better about themselves. Someone else’s cosmetic surgery is just none of your business. Say: good for thee, not for me.
Anon
+1,000,000
roxie
implants are very common, yes, but the lifelong dangers they cause have come to light much more in recent years and I find it surprising when otherwise smart women get them!
I mean, I don’t judge them to their faces, I’m not trying to outlaw it, but this is an anonymous comment board ;)
Monday
Yes, it freaks me out. I don’t know much about implants but am thinking of other cosmetic surgeries. I’m in the minority on this and that’s fine. You might be interested in the book Perfect Me by Heather Widdows, an academic philosopher. This is one of the only sources I have found that takes questions like yours seriously. Almost everything else written on the topic is just choice feminism.
Anon
A lot of mothers on my local moms group are getting or have gotten Mommy Makeovers – tummy tuck, lipo, boob job. I was at a party wherein every woman at the table except for me and the 24 year old mom had gotten it or had scheduled it. It does feel dystopian, as if “you do you” isn’t really what’s going on once it becomes expected and standard.
Monday
‘“you do you” isn’t really what’s going on once it becomes expected and standard.’
Thank you. I’m already afraid of being the only woman without Botox and “looking old” the way that women with their natural gray hair “look old” now.
Duckles
Couldn’t say it better. It’s a big prisoners dilemma.
Nyc
+1
Anonymous
Except it’s not a prisoner’s dilemma. It’s not like women your age getting Botox are changing the beauty standard and now you look old.
I’m 40. 40 year old women with gray hair and wrinkles and no makeup are just invisible because the beauty standard is young looking. If I let my hair go gray, stop getting Botox and wearing makeup we’ll both just be invisible. It’s great, for me, that I put that off for a few more years. But a “natural look” 40 is never going to be considered attractive by society generally no matter how many of us walk around like that.
Anon
Nah you are accepting the rules of the patriarchy and taking out your anger about that on women. That’s not cool.
I have had no work done but I have thought about it post kids mostly because I feel like a stranger in my body sometimes. Yes I understand that my body did incredible things but I am allowed to dislike my saggy b00bs. It’s not about other people, they make undergarments that can accomplish the same result if I want to look good for other people but some days I really don’t like how I look naked in the mirror. Plus it’s physically uncomfortable for me. I used to be perky and now I am not and it just feels physically meh and somewhat painful at times.
I’m sorry you feel like women are making choices at you. Maybe some of them are. But telling other women what to do with their bodies because of how it makes you feel about yours isn’t really fair of you in any event.
Do you also judge women who wear makeup?
Anonymous
I think your post is super judgmental and pretty awful, since you asked. Maybe reflect on why you’re like this? no one is getting surgery at you!
Anon
Explain exactly what is judgemental and awful about my comment at 2:50 PM.
anon
x1 million to your last sentence. This is why it sucks. It just makes beauty standards even more unattainable. I can’t even bring myself to go gray, for crying out loud. Not when all the 30- and 40-somethings around me are still smokin’ hot.
Anon
Meh this is a fair criticism of celebrities and the media who promote a certain look.
Let the random 40 year old who had cosmetic surgery to feel better about her body and has 83 instagram followers live her life without your judgment. Feel free to judge the kardashians, the fashion houses, etc though
Anonymous
Yeah it freaks me out too. I take a more nuanced approach for things that are both quality of life and cosmetic that don’t leave foreign substances in the body, such as breast reduction, skin removal, or laser eye surgery. However, for things that are purely cosmetic I find putting foreign objects into the body like implants, clips, string etc to be very concerning.
anonshmanon
I think you could easily argue that women get cosmetic procedures in order to feel better about their own body, and who am I to draw the line between vanity and mental health? There still is so much pressure on women about their appearance, sometimes from their own family. Not that lipo is necessarily a mature, sustainable response to these pressures, but that’s another story.
Anon
Yes, you’re being judgmental. People make different decisions than we would in so many ways; this one just happens to be visible.
But yes, I also think it’s a bit dystopian the way people (esp. women) are modifying their bodies and faces these days. I totally understand the thinking that some changes can make life psychologically easier in that they remove a nagging insecurity- but on the other hand, it’s terrible that we are subject to physical standards that result in those insecurities in the first place. I absolutely hate it.
Still, that’s a systemic problem, not a personal problem. And if people choose to get implants (or fillers, or botox, or eyebrow lifts, or whatever- and I mean, I’m not into plastic surgery, but I get highlights in my hair every 8 weeks, so I’m not totally removed) it’s none of my business. We all deal how we deal.
Anon
I think it only freaks me out in the sense that when you look at women in the supermarket or coffee shop, they will have less common and I dare to say unnatural bodies and faces to the extent that it will eventually become the norm. I have known many people who had rhinoplasty, breast augmentations, Botox, fillers, etc. I have been surprised when someone asked in my local town’s Facebook group for recommendations on a spa for Botox and there were A LOT of responses. My major concern is that women will think it is normal to be a size 2 with double DDs, 45 with zero wrinkles and duck lips. I don’t think it’s an issue for each individual woman but as a whole, it’s concerning that the norm is drastically changing now.
Anon
This is basically my feeling, though implants are a little different as there seem to be some genuine health concerns with them.
Anon
https://slate.com/technology/2022/06/breast-implant-illness-what-is-it-cause-treatment-science.html
Anonymous
Eh, I get this is an issue out there, but this is a pretty small percentage and shouldn’t be the reason alone to knock them. I have implants because I had a double mastectomy. Obviously it’s very different from implants for cosmetic purposes, but I love mine and have no problems with them. They keep me from being deformed. Science and medicine are wonderful.
Anon
I’m in a local (not NYC/LA) lawyer-mom facebook group and there are weekly requests for recommendations for Botox, fillers, and plastic surgeons. It’s been really surprising to me because as lawyers we’re “serious” careerists. But law in a lot of ways is a very image-focused profession, so I guess it makes sense. Still rubs me the wrong way, though I try not to pay it any attention. Different strokes…
Anonymous
It is perfectly normal to be a size 2 with natural double DDs. DD is a small cupsize, please don’t keep this myth that DD is a large size alive. On a size 2 that would most likely be a 28, 30 or 32 back (34 if very athletic), and a 30DD is just the size of half a grapefruit.
Anon
There’s a big difference between an actual bra size DD and what a plastic surgeon calls a DD.
Anon
Exactly. I’m a 32DD and I have a rather boring chest (size 6, early 40s). But when people say “DD,” they aren’t thinking about me; they probably have 36DD or a 38DD size breasts in mind – not proportionally smaller breasts on a smaller ribcage.
Anonymous
“But when people say “DD,” they aren’t thinking about me”
That’s the point, people who are wearing 38DD are not a size 2 frame. People with an underband of 38 will have around 39-40 inch rib cage. That is not a rib cage wearing size 2.
Anon
I definitely worry how it impacts young girls and women. Mental health is SUCH a problem with teens right now, and if all they’re seeing are edited photos and edited bodies, of course they feel terrible about themselves! I had a niece attempt suicide, and even though she has had hundreds of hours of therapy, I still worry about her as she heads off to college this fall. (As an aside, is anyone else freaked out any time they see an elementary school girl put her hand on her hip, stick her chest out, and do duck lips for a picture? Isn’t that telling that little girl that she needs big lips and big curves and a certain type of appeal? FB friends comment and say it’s “sassy” or “cute” – it’s horrifying to me!)
In my day-to-day, I don’t see much of it that’s noticeable (I’m in DC), but I know women get Botox, and I could see myself getting it if I needed it. (Wrinkles, I don’t have; jowls like a robber baron, check.) I did see a woman the other day in the airport who had been fully done like another poster described – size 2 with very large girls, duck lips, very tight skin, and either some posterior help or LOTS of time in the gym. And I just felt sorry for her that she felt so badly about her original appearance that she felt she needed all that; it made me want to give the woman she is on the inside a hug.
Monday
I share your concern about the impact on girls. It’s even more insidious because by the teen years they may think their critical thinking skills are perfect and that they understand feminism better than we do. I don’t buy that; I think they’ve been effectively targeted by marketing.
Anon
“As an aside, is anyone else freaked out any time they see an elementary school girl put her hand on her hip, stick her chest out, and do duck lips for a picture?”
It is gross and “sassy” isn’t something to aspire to. At that age, girls should be figuring out what kind of books they like to read, what sports they enjoy playing, maybe try out a musical instrument, learn the nuances of family dynamics, develop their friend group. None of that involves being processed and packaged as a piece of meat.
Anon
I don’t think majority of the women are going for size 2 with double DDs. Many are maybe a A cup (if that) go to B or C. Many are getting surgery to look proportional to the rest of their body.
Monday
But what’s not “proportional” about someone’s natural body shape?
Anon
All the things that people ask for advice on how to dress on this site.
LA Law
That is a decision that the woman in question gets to make. I have not had mine done (no need), but I know plenty of women who had augmentations, reductions, and lifts. They are doing what they want to do with their own bodies – which is entirely their right and I do not judge it.
Now I will say that the pressure to look younger is very real and I do plenty I would probably skip if I was not working, but I am over 50 and age discrimination is definitely a thing. So I color my hair, get Botox, have IPL for my age spots, etc. Something to consider the next time you laugh at a Boomer joke (remember the youngest Baby Boomers are in the late 50s).
anon
LA Law: Not just Boomer jokes, but the general accepted heartfelt Boomer disparagement on this site.
anon
Oh, that’s an easy one! If your top’s an 8 and your bottom’s a 14: that’s not proportional.
Monday
Clothing sizes are made up. Nobody ever said that our bodies are standardized just because sizes are. And I do not make or laugh at Boomer jokes.
Senior Attorney
I’ve had weight loss surgery as well as a couple of cosmetic procedures and here’s where I land on your question: Yes, it’s certainly the moral high ground to fight the patriarchy and not give in. But I was literally raised from the cradle by my mom to hate my body and feel awful about myself because of it, and I’m sorry/not sorry but my life is a whole lot better now that I don’t feel that way. It was like I was going through life carrying this burden, and I got to put it down, and putting it down was pretty effing great. If you would like to judge me for that, you should feel free, just as the people who judged me when I was fat certainly felt free to judge me for that.
Duckles
I think there’s a huge difference in surgery to change how your body functions (breast reduction, gastric band, etc) than changes just to how it looks and likely functions worse (implants, BBL)
Bonnie Kate
Yes you’re just being judgmental. Until they tell you differently, good for them, not for you.
For me, a big part of feminism is listening and following the lead of women and not projecting stories onto them – basically full autonomy, all the time, without judgement. You wanna be a barbie doll? Sweet, you should rock that. You wanna be goth? Excellent, let’s not let that hold you back. You wanna be nonconforming? Yes, come sit by me. And so on.
You’re projecting a huge story onto them, that they feel pressured due society. You don’t actually have any idea that this is the case; this could be an empowering thing for them. I know some people are rolling their eyes big time at that, but seriously, who are we to judge that? My assumption is that I support every woman for having autonomy over her body, whatever that looks like. Until she indicates that she’s not happy or feels forced or pressured, I’m going to assume that she is a grown up woman who is making her own choices that make her happy.
Also, not saying that this is the situation, but one of my friends got breast implants in her 20s after having a double mastectomy since she tested positive for the breast cancer gene. She went bigger so a lot of people probably just thought she got breast implants, but it was spurred by a medical decision. I have another friend who is positive for the breast cancer gene who will have a double mastectomy and then reconstruction and will almost certainly go bigger with implants.
Anonymous
+100
roxie
“For me, a big part of feminism is listening and following the lead of women and not projecting stories onto them”
good lord. Feminism is subverting the patriarchy, not whatever nonsense you just spewed there. A woman’s bad choice isn’t valid just because she’s a woman. That’s a real middle school analysis of feminism.
Anon
On the other hand is saying “you shouldn’t have plastic surgery because you don’t really want it” all that different than people saying “you actually do want to have kids, you just don’t know it yet”. At the end of the day, it’s policing womens bodies. And I’m not cool with that.
Peloton
So your view is that to “subvert” a system that forces expectations onto women, we should deploy another system that forces expectations onto women?
Ok.
Peloton
This is a perfect comment. Thank you!
No Face
Implants, nose jobs, lipo, etc have been popular for decades. Maybe this is the first time you’re personally aware of people getting worked done?
Duckles
100%, it’s horrifying. I definitely worry that in 10 years Botox, fillers, breast lifts and facelifts will be as “expected” as a skincare routine and they’re just not sufficiently safe.
I really reject the “good for them not for you” because it leads to a toxic culture of expectation for women.
Anon
Right. My 25-year-old sister has begun preventative Botox. This is not a neutral thing- this is bad. Somehow the long-held cultural belief that women aren’t supposed to age has gotten worse!
anon
I had to stop following a skincare account on Instagram because it was specifically telling TEENAGERS to start retinol treatment now for wrinkle prevention. I found it incredibly offensive and told them so.
Bonnie Kate
Because everyone is should instead adhere to your expectations that it empowers women to be “natural”? I’m all for you not doing all the things, butI think it’s toxic culture to judge women for doing whatever they want or for telling them that what they they want is actually not what they want but what others are telling them.
Monday
Nobody is trying to correct what another woman wants. But we can question why they want it, and acknowledge that it affects others.
Celia
Mondays comment x10000
anon
I take your point about the toxicity of telling women that they don’t truly know what they want and of judging them for what they do want. But I think it’s not wrong to lament whatever societal influences exist that lead to people wanting certain things. It doesn’t necessarily lead to judging individuals for their actions. You can hold both ideas at the same time I think: both that women do want certain things for valid reasons, and that some of those reasons and the background to those desires are bad for people as a whole.
Anonymous
Haha. Well, I reject the idea that I can’t get Botox because you’re worried I’ll look better/younger/different than you. Maybe get a hobby or something.
Anon
This.
Anon
On the safety score, I actually want it all done, but have serious medical contraindications and cautions for a lot of it. So I guess I’m just jealous/scared of the risks/unwilling to risk having to explain to my doctors how and why I ended up in the hospital. If it were all safe, I’d be enthusiastic though!
anon
I think you’re being a little judgmental. Like I share your sentiment from the perspective of I can’t imagine getting that done myself, but I would frame it differently- if there’s something in your life that bothers you that you can fix by throwing some money at it, what’s wrong with that? YOLO.
Nyc
I understand perspective. I do feel the more women that get cosmetic surgery (or wear makeup daily, get Botox, get mommy makeovers etc etc) put pressure on the women who don’t bc the overall bar is higher for what it deemed attractive. I try to remind myself that I do have the choice to do these things too, and chose not too, which is my right and they have their right to cosmetic surgery or whatever
Anonymous
I am concerned about it. I had a surgery done to correct my hearing that resulted in nerve damage. That has put me off of most procedures. I think that people have a right to do what they want to be happy but the bar is excessively high for attractiveness for women. We should be allowed to age.
EB
I got implants about 15 years ago and they changed my life. They took something I fixated on, to something I never think about, and I am so thankful. I would do it again in a heartbeat.
However, I see some of the newer implants, like in your bottom, or the lip filler, and am just baffled. Is it comfortable to sit or drink? Why are you making your body look like a caricature?
So I don’t know. Where’s the line? My line is clearly in a different place than yours, and others.
Anon
My 20 something niece and her friend group all have lip injections (some have extreme ones too) and breast implants, some have butt implants, and they all wear false lashes and a ton of makeup and post a lot on social media and still use filters that make their faces look even more cartoony. I think it’s the p0rn culture and what men expect s3xually attractive women to look like. It makes me sad.
Anon
Wow, what city do you live in? Are they in a certain industry? I have a friend who is a bottle girl, and her friend group is similar.
Anon
They’re all in the Central Valley of California, various industries ranging from jobless through healthcare professionals. None are in the s3x industry. Just a cultural norm where they are.
Anon
In CLT and I see a ton of false eyelashes (to me it looks trashy during the day). Also, a lot of mommy makeovers. Grateful I’m not in Miami or SoCal because it feels off the charts there. I feel bad for my teen daughters and their friends: so much pressure to look plastic.
Anonymous
I live next to an affluent neighborhood and was walking the dog one Friday night when I came upon a group of teens — probably going to a prom. There is a private girls school a few blocks away, so it could have been for that school — I’m not sure. Almost every teen girl was dressed in a skin tight spandex type dress that went from chest to top of thigh with tiny straps. One wrong move and everything would have been on display. I honestly thought they looked like prostitutes. As I thought about it more, I tried to figure out why it bothered me so much. Their body, their choice. But they all looked the same. So how many were making that choice vs following the pack. I’m still trying to sort out why it made me so upset.
Anonymous
Yes you are being judgmental. It’s not that big a surgery, you can always get them out, and it makes them happy. Getting mine was one of the best thing I have done for myself.
Anon
I just need to vent/process externally for a moment.
I’m not close with my father. He left my mother when I was in middle school and there were some bad things that lead to me really distancing myself in my relationship with him. In the past few years, I have allowed him to be a grandfather to my kids and they have all mutually loved it.
Well. He’s currently going through imaging and it’s looking like a very likely pancreatic cancer diagnosis. He hates doctors and hospitals and is generally very scared. What compounds it is that this is what his father died of at a young age. After several misdiagnoses, my sister and I had him moved to the hospital in our city. I need to do something. That’s who I am.
Right now, my plan is to take my 6 year old to Target and let him pick out a blanket and robe for Grandpa while he’s in the hospital. He’s not really able to eat right now, so aside from Starbucks runs, food is out. My sister is great here with the actions, but really freaked out (I’m the practical one, she’s the sensitive one). What do I do next? I literally don’t know. It’s also bringing up a lot of weird guilt that I ‘should’ be more upset; however, really, this is somebody who I didn’t talk to for a few years.
helloanon
It sounds like you’re already doing a lot! As the practical one, it may be helpful for you to keep a notebook listing important information about his doctors, test results, etc, especially if he is scared and not retaining much. You may be surprised by the number of times you need to remind medical staff of the details!
Vicky Austin
+1, this is a great idea! Also, depending on his prognosis, getting things in order for when he passes may also be a place you can channel your energy.
Also, OP, with love and compassion, just being with him can be enough, and can be a lot more meaningful than crying and hair tearing and other visible signs of upset (which you don’t need to produce; it sounds like that is not reflective of your relationship with him and that is okay). I’d comfort your sister, encourage your kids to cheer Grandpa up, and generally just be around as much as you can, and that will be plenty.
Anon
Sending you some virtual hugs. I don’t know if this is the right answer, but if it helps, this internet stranger is giving you “permission” to view this as “my children’s grandfather has cancer” rather than “my father has cancer” and act accordingly without any guilt.
Anon
Thank you, this is actually really helpful with managing my own guilt at my reaction.
Senior Attorney
I was in your situation until recently: Very problematic parents who turned out to be good grandparents who had a wonderful relationship with my son. My dad passed away in June (my mom passed a couple of years ago) and my main emotion was overwhelming relief that he hadn’t outlived his money, rather than grief or loss. And I just let that be okay. I had come to terms a long time ago with the fact that he was a pretty crappy dad and we hadn’t ever had the kind of relationship I would have liked. I did support my son in his grief, like you are doing with our kids on an age-appropriate level, and I feel good about that and I know you will feel good about that, too. We actually buried him just yesterday and it turned out to be a surprisingly positive experience in the end.
In terms of what to do — yes, get the money and documents sorted in case the worst happens (which it will, if not not then at some point). When my mom started to fail I made sure I had powers of attorney (both general and for health care) for both my parents, and I got myself added as a co-owner on their bank accounts. That way when they passed it was easy to distribute everything among the siblings with no muss, no fuss. (And also I was handling their finances for some years before they died, as well.) It is important to know what he owns and where it is and whether there are trusts or whatever. You may need to see if you can help him do some last minute estate planning, which will be stressful but probably not as stressful as ignoring it until he is gone.
Anon
I have been through this with both parents. These are cliches but they’re true
1) it’s a marathon, not a sprint. Pace yourself
2) take care of yourself. You can’t help anyone else if you’re depleted
3) deathbed reconciliations and apologies are for the movies. People die as who they were in life. Don’t set yourself up for disappointment hoping your dad now turns into the dad you’ve always wanted him to be. There is nothing wrong with maintaining your boundaries, and I’m here to tell you that this is not your fault, no matter what your brain is telling you right now.
4) hospital staff may be brusque or unsympathetic. Remember this is just their job and they do it every day. Generally, they know how to do it.
5) I’m a real advocate for palliative and hospice care when the time comes, which is often sooner than we think.
I realize I’m talking like your dad is going to die, but you do need to be prepared for that if it’s pancreatic cancer. Hugs to you.
Senior Attorney
This is all so true.
Sloan Sabbith
I’m an advocate for hospice BEFORE you think you need it because most people are eligible for hospice before they actually get on hospice and it can be an incredible, incredible benefit for the patient and the family. Ask about it early- the worst the doctor can say is “It’s not the time yet,” but it could be.
Sloan Sabbith
Which, now that I read your comment closer, is pretty much what you said- sorry! Pretty much just get hospice, time comes before most people think it does. It’s not last weeks- it’s actually last six months and could actually be extended if necessary.
Anon
I get you. My mom didn’t even get to hospice because everyone else kept thinking it wasn’t time yet. By the time the decision was made, she had literally hours left. Very frustrating.
Senior Attorney
Meanwhile, on a lighter note, my dad literally spent two years in hospice a while back and ultimately “graduated.” Lived like four more years and then passed away two days after hospice was called back in (and I admit I was quite skeptical based on the earlier experience so it just goes to show).
Sloan Sabbith
My dad was on it for about a month. They provided so much to us that we had been buying out of pocket (including mobility equipment), and he could have been on it for….probably 8-9 months, realistically. We only got onto it because we pushed his doctor for it, and even his doctor thought it was “too soon.” When my mom called hospice, they asked why he hadn’t been on it sooner. Um, because no one told us? While I’m very disappointed about the complete lack of support we actually received in the actual last days of his life, the practical support in the last weeks was invaluable for my parents.
They also have support programs for families, including kids- for that alone, it can be worth it because they have staff who can help you prepare little kids for a loss (and help you work through a loss with complicated feelings surrounding it, like it sounds like you are facing, OP).
Vicky Austin
Having worked in a hospital/nursing home, I do think actually contacting the hospice people, not just your family member’s doctor, is better. They are specifically trained in this.
Anon
Yeah, if it goes down this route his wife is already talking about like super aggressive treatments.
Meanwhile, I’m thinking, ‘I’ll pull my kids out of school for a week and we’ll rent two cottages at this place he loves and I’ll let him sit in a nice chair on the lake and just hang out with his grandkids for a week before he gets really sick.
Anon
Also, FWIW, my oldest kid is sick and when my husband told him that his grandfather was sick, his immediate reaction was surprisingly understanding. We’ve actually been preparing him for the concept of death because we have an old dog.
Also, I really thought I would have some time between the ‘parent of a newborn’ stage and the ‘child of an ill adult’ stage. He’s 63! Not retired yet. I think I have to thank my husband though because I know I have no regrets in our relationship. My husband is the one who really encouraged me to be okay being neutral with my own relationship but allowing a close grandparent relationship.
Anon
AHH. Oldest kid is SIX. SIX. I might need to log off work and not try and function today…
Nesprin
More to the point- if his care team does not contain a palliative care specialist now, advocate to get one. Palliative is not hospice and vice versa- they’re there to minimize suffering whether or not recovery from disease is the end game.
anon
Would he allow you to go to appointments with him? Having a second set of ears, esp if the primary set is already uncomfortable with the medical setting, could be exceptionally valuable.
Anon
His wife goes with him and she’s pretty on the ball. She’s kind of annoying and an oversharer and name dropper… but that’s weirdly effective in a medical setting?
Senior Attorney
Yeah, I feel like that is the precisely necessary skillset.
Vicky Austin
can confirm, this is my mom’s superpower.
Anom
Venting re childcare- I am so discouraged. I’m trying to find my current full time nanny a new job in the city and find myself part time help in the burbs. Have not had luck with either! I feel like I’m spending all my time on Facebook looking for groups to post her availability and for groups for me to post my needs. It shouldn’t be a full time job just to find childcare!!!
Anyone have great tips on how to find your old nanny a job and/or how to find part-time after school help???
Anon
My daughter is a college student and an excellent part time nanny. She found her nannying jobs on nanny lane.
Generally, you’re going to have to pay the going rate, which is high!, if you want to find someone good, and you’re going to have to interview a lot of candidates. It is a slog but it’s worth it to develop a good nannying relationship.
If you have a nearby college, call the department that trains teachers (education? credentialing?) and ask if you can advertise your part time after school position. Next door might also be good for that.
Anon
Long comment in m0d
Pay well
Nanny l@ne
Next d00r
Local college
AIMS
We often have nanny ads posted at our pediatrician’s office. Maybe reach out to your kids’ doctor – they may know someone who is looking?
anon
so much empathy. Where I live, it can be impossible to find a good, qualified nanny for anything other than a full-time, long-term job, even when offering above-market rates. Demand is way higher than the pool of available candidates.
Are there any local nanny agencies where you are that might be able to help?
Anon
Facebook moms groups have helped me find my long term nanny jobs, esp if you can write a glowing rec for her.
anon
My cholesterol came back a bit high in my annual check for the first time (although I had a good value for the “good” cholesterol). I’m 43 and fairly healthy, although haven’t been as active as I normally am this year due to having a baby last summer. I had gestational diabetes but my glucose was good in this check-up. I eat fairly healthy, lots of fruits/veg, mostly chicken and fish, limited red meat, but I have a liking for potato chips and ice cream. I’m on the thin side so I don’t need to lose weight, but since heart disease runs on the women’s side of my family (mother, grandmother, aunts), I want to get a handle on this now. What has worked for you to lower your cholesterol? I used to eat oatmeal every day and could definitely start that again. What else should I be doing?
Anon
Statins. There’s some randomness to this. Two of my fittest, healthiest-eating friends have chronic problems with cholesterol. Meanwhile, I’m an overweight sedentary person with excellent cholesterol. Certainly you can dry adding soluble fiber and all of that, but don’t be afraid of the statins when the time comes. They are literally lifesaving.
Anonymous
I used a meal delivery service called Thistle and my cholesterol went really low. Maybe take a look at those foods/menus/options for ideas?
Anonymous
Metamucil and fiber gummies. That’s an easy thing to add. I did a bunch of research on this when it happened to me last fall at the same age. Will try to report back if I can find my spreadsheet.
Earth
You may have to increase your activity. American college of Cardiology recommend 30 min of moderate intensity exercise 5 days a week…consistency is the key. Your diet is great. Take care.
Peloton
I’m not sure of the timeline for how long the effect lasts, but pregnancy messes with lipids for a fairly surprisingly long time after birth. May be worth asking your doc if that could still be a factor.
Anon
My 3-hour meeting was about to be over an hour early and the Hermione/gunner of my team said “This isn’t really a question, but a comment…” and now it isn’t going to be over any time soon because my supervisor had a lot of thoughts about this colleague’s comments. Thank God I was not on camera is all I can say.
Anon
I feel your pain. Maybe time for a surreptitious tea and snack break!
Anne-on
I’m sorry – been there when I was hoping to get out early for a gym visit/hop on an earlier train/get after work drinks and it is soul crushing to see the minutes ticking away when you were hoping to leave. If it’s more annoying than ‘now I’m missing the early train that means I’d be able to put my kid to bed’ I just myself on mute, plaster on the ‘pleasant listening’ face, and blow through emails or write my notes/to-dos. Frankly it’s kind of nice sometimes to have my calendar blocked but get actual work done.
Anon
Unfortunately a lot of the things on my to-do lists are emails to people who are in the meeting who would be quite irritated to know I wasn’t paying attention during the meeting. I drafted them and will send them out over the next day or so so it’s not clear I drafted them all during the meeting.
Senior Attorney
OMG people just need to stop.
Wegovy PSA
If you’re uninterested, please scroll on by…
My doctor prescribed me Wegovy last week for the first time. As has been discussed here, there is a shortage of all Wegovy dosages, but most severely for the lower dose Wegovy. There’s a vague promise from the drug maker for more of the lower dose meds in the second half of this year, making it hard to start the therapy anytime soon.
My very smart, trusted PCP tells me Wegovy and Ozempic are the same drug, just that Ozempic in name/brand is approved for diabetic treatment and that it’s max dose is 2mg (I’m guessing on the exact dosage- but it’s less than Wegovy, which goes to 2.5, I believe). So she has now prescribed me Ozempic so I can start the weaning on of the drug over the next few months. It’s expected that the higher dose Wegovy will be available by the time I need it and max out Ozempic’s dosages. Surprisingly to me (because all of my blood work is fine despite me being as heavy as I am), my insurance approved the Ozempic for weight loss so I’ll pick it up today and start treatment tonight (prior authorization was needed but doc included a note saying it was being prescribed for weight loss while there was a wegovy shortage).
I know a few of you are waiting to start Wegovy, so I offer this as it might be a work around that works for you, too.
anon
My doc did something similar, but started me on Saxenda to start me getting used to the drug. Once I reach the full dose, she’ll switch me to Wegovy (though Ozempic was also an option for me if I couldn’t get the Saxenda through my insurance, which I could). I’ve lost 14.5 pounds in 22 days (also with very strict dieting) and am a huge fan so far. Hopefully it works for you and you have limited side effects!
OP
Great stuff! I also started WW a few weeks ago (before Wegovy was in the picture), so I’m combing that with the medication. Here’s hoping! Good luck to you.
Tina
I’m trying to figure out what a particular type of dress is called. I have a long (past the knees) plain shift work dress I got from Uniqlo a few years back. It starts flaring out slightly from the very top, not from the waist like I’ve seen in many dresses, and then has a tie around the waist. I’m pear shaped and it is a nice silhouette on me, and every single time I’ve worn this dress, in multiple offices, I get compliments on it. Today a barista told me the dress was “beautiful”. It’s really a simple cotton-ish dress so its kind of shocking that it gets so many compliments.
So what is this called? How do I buy more? Maybe its a swing dress?
Tina
Now that I’m thinking about it, I think the tie makes a difference. Adds some structure etc
Anon
Trapeze dress. A line shift.
Anne-on
+1 – I’ve seen these called trapeze dresses, swing dresses, baby doll dresses, or ‘a-line’ dresses (which isn’t exactly true as those are supposed to flare out closer to your natural waist but what even is language anymore where clothes are concerned). I have 2 from Lily Pullitzer (the novella swing dress) and the shape means it is relatively cool to wear in the crazy hot days of summer. I wore an eyelet one to work with a light sweater on one of those insane 95-100 degree days we had in Boston last summer. it wasn’t super professional but I feel like you get a pass in that kind of heat.
Nyc
Is that an A line shift?
Vicky Austin
It sounds like it’s the tie that makes the difference?
No Face
I have a Columbia cinch dress. Is that the shape you are talking about?
Anonymous
If you want more – go back to Uniqlo! They always carry this silhouette. Not always with a tie, but you can just add your own belt. They have jumpsuits like this, too.
I think that wool dress people wore for a month (or was it 100 days?) has this shape as well.
A-line, flared and swing should all be good words to search for.
Clara
I inherited an employee who I recently found out people feel talks over them, is abrasive, etc. I don’t fully disagree with parts of this, but I was surprised at the negative and personal tone in which I was told about this (from a senior person) and also think some of it is really due to my former boss, who has left.
I told the employee some of this feedback, focusing on the parts that are objective and with action steps. There are parts that I feel are just a mismatch in personality, and I don’t like to feel like I’m just repeating gossip. Since I haven’t seen such bad behavior myself and I didn’t really get any specific examples, its hard for me to gauge.
It also turns out that even though apparently people have felt like this for a while, and our former boss knew, no one told this employee any of this.
Any tips on how to handle this? The person who told me is like a diagonal line boss. I’d like to help this employee, but its hard when I don’t have a good grasp on why other departments don’t “get along” with him. I think this employee is a little brash, but this commentary also seems a bit more personal than professional. Maybe this is why previous bosses didn’t say anything, although there was also some bad management involved.
Anon
Either he’s just not a people person, or he is a raging (expletive) who is making office life miserable for everyone around him. If it’s the latter, the fact that you have not seen it is a massive red flag – “kiss up, kick down.”
anon
I would not have acted on this until I did a little more digging. Frankly, if someone’s behavior is that widely known, it likely needs correcting. But at the end of the day, each person is responsible for his or her professional work persona, and if that persona is jerk, well…maybe that person is not a fit for the organization. I would circle back with the folks who gave you feedback to check back in over the next few months and see if progress is happening.
Anon
I think it’s time to finally explore some kind of brow maintenance/shaping. Is there a beginner’s guide for such a thing, or any resources people have found helpful?
Cat
Try posting on the morning thread for more suggestions, but my #1 tip is to get them professionally done at first, which makes the shape much easier to maintain on your own afterward. If you post your geography I bet people would have specific recs.
Anonymous
I would start with a professional wax/tweeze/ thread and then try to maintain. Those people know what they are doing and will give you a great shape and clean lines to start with. A tweeze (I can’t do wax) at a nice salon here is just $20 plus tip and well worth it, I think, esp. if you are thinking of maintaining on your own thereafter.
Anonymous
Based on today’s thread, don’t bother, you’re just buying in to the patriarchy. You should keep tour brows au natural.