ByElizabeth Hours Updated
Comments 372 Comments

Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Twill Sheath Dress

A woman with long brown hair wearing a dark pink sleeveless dress and matching pink sandals

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

I think we can all agree that the typical office dress code is having a bit of an identity crisis lately. If it’s any indication, I saw a shorts suit advertised recently, and my initial response was “Oh, that’s cute,” and not the wailing, raging, and gnashing of teeth that it would have elicited five years ago. (But still, please don’t wear a shorts suit to your white-shoe law firm. Trust me.)

Regardless of where your office is falling on the business casual spectrum, a well-fitting solid sheath dress is always a good option to have on hand. If you’ve already got black and navy covered, I think a jewel tone, like this one from Ann Taylor, is a great wardrobe addition. For a more casual look, I’d wear a white oxford underneath with some fun jewelry. For a client meeting, I’d add a navy blazer and some great shoes.

The dress is $139 at Ann Taylor and comes in regular sizes 00–16, petite sizes 00–16, and tall sizes 0–18.

This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!

Sales of note for 12.5

372 Comments

  1. Hi, any recommendations for a translation service for a one-time document? It is a medical document that needs to be translated from German to American English, so data security and knowledge of technical terms are necessary. TIA!

    1. I wonder if the US Embassy in Germany (or the German Embassy in the US) would have recommendations for this?

      1. IF you are in the US, there may be a German consul near you who may have local references.

    2. No joke, my mom does freelance translation and has been fluent in German for 30+ years. Drop me a line at vickyr e t t e @ g if you’d like to see if she can help.

    3. The American Translators Association directory would be a good place to start. You can filter your search by language pair, area of specialization, certification, etc. to help you find the right person or company. There are a lot of translators who specialize in medical documentation and data protection is an important part of our professional ethics :) https://www.atanet.org/directory/

  2. I know there are a lot of people here who enjoy family drama novels, so I thought I’d recommend a great one I just read — The Latecomer by Jean Hanff Korelitz. It’s quite different than other books I’ve read by her (The Plot and You Should Have Known). I enjoyed those, but I really loved this.

    1. Me, me! Thank you!

      Sunflower recommended Vacationland by Meg Mitchell Moore recently as well and I’ve added it to my list!

    2. I just finished this, in fact it’s still in the car to return to the library. Quite a tour de force of unlikeable characters, wasn’t it?

      1. I thought only Harrison was deeply unlikeable and even he had a bit of redemption at the end. I loved Phoebe and I thought Sally, Lewyn and the parents were all realistically flawed people. They all made some bad decisions but I was able to root for them.

        1. I liked Sally and thought they treated her terribly. That said, it was quite true to life, wasn’t it?

      2. Is it weird that this comment made me want to read it more? IRL I keep toxic people far away, but I love unlikeable characters in media.

    3. I really enjoyed this one. Normally I see the twists coming, but this one was subtle yet powerful.

  3. I plan to get rid of a lot of dishes/kitchen stuff this weekend. We have so much kitchen stuff we never use. Anyone regret purging mason jars, extra place settings and cups, kitchen tools? We do not cook complex meals, I can’t remember the last time we had more than 2 guests people in our small place (planning to keep 8 total), we don’t even drink coffee or tea so why do we have 20+ mugs?? We will donate or free cycle it but I don’t want to kick myself if I should always keep (for example) a toaster or punch bowl.

    1. I’ve never once regretted purging any of what you’ve mentioned – I say go for it!

    2. I love to cook and entertain but have a small(ish) kitchen so I have to be ruthless about what I keep. I have never, ever regretted a purge the way you describe. Good luck!

    3. Do it! All of that is super easy to replace at target or goodwill if you regret it. Which you won’t:)

    4. Do it! Worse case scenario if you’re desperate for something, you could probably borrow it from a neighbour.
      It’s so much easier not to have to rearrange things constantly.

    5. I almost never regret purging things. (You can make toast in the oven – 10 minutes at 350.)

    6. You know what you use and don’t. I use my toaster oven multiple times a day and would never get rid of it, but if you never use your toaster, there’s no reason to keep it.

      1. I also would never get rid of my toaster. I also feel silly heating up an entire over just for some toast when the actual toaster oven is about a quarter of the size.

      2. +1 – the toaster is the only thing I’d keep on that list. We use ours constantly, especially in summer months.

      3. Yes, you are either a family that eats toast or you aren’t. If you aren’t, then get rid of the toaster!

      4. A literal toaster I would have no qualms about getting rid of if you don’t use it. A toaster OVEN however is, together with our coffee maker, our kitchen MVPs.

        One suggestion – you would be shocked what people will actually buy from you on eBay. We sold a waffle maker (not in box, but never used) for like $30, and buyers cover the shipping! (Most stores don’t accept appliances not in box, so it wasn’t an option to donate instead.)

    7. I did this a year or so ago and for as simple as a task it was it has improved my life so much. Every dish we own can fit in the sink at once and rarely are they all dirty at once. I didn’t know how much keeping on top of dishes was making my life so much worse. Limiting what has to be upkept is such a key way to lower stress.

      I keep one four person set, but half of the set is in an upper cabinet that can be reached for guest. I kept a handful of special to me mugs (because I like mugs), and two each of big and small plate, big and small bowl, wine glasses, and big water cups. I kept four pieces of each type of silverware. As far as cookware, I got rid of doubles. I either put extra items in storage (if I felt like I might need to bring them out one day) and put the rest on buy nothing group or tossed.

      Do it, your life will be better for it.

    8. The only thing I’d suggest is to consider keeping multiple measuring spoons/cups if you happen to have them already. It’s nice to not have to wash them in the middle of a recipe.

      1. +1 I gave my second set of measuring spoons to my kid moving into his first college apartment, and I ended up having to go out and buy another set.

    9. If you don’t use them, purge them. I do purge random extra mugs which seem to reproduce on their own somehow but past that I am a buyer of kitchen things. I just bought two more mason jars because I kept running into situations where my current 6 mason jars were all being used for my sourdough starter, various refrigerator pickles or other things at once

    10. For this stuff, put it in a box for say 6 months and see if you reach for it. I did this with kitchen tools and actually grabbed a few things back out of the box. But then when I got rid of things for good, I felt certain I didn’t need it.

    11. Would keep: spatulas, measuring cups, bottle openers and mason jars.

      Toaster, popcorn maler, waffle maker, juicer etc can go.

    12. You know what you use and don’t use; purge it with confidence!
      Might you regret something? Sure. But there’s no requirement to kick yourself over it. if you happen to need something down the road, you’ll find a solution — you’ll borrow it, go to a thrift store and pick it up, use a replacement, or buy one again.

  5. Delicious color! Sheaths are perfection on me:)
    The neckline is 1-2” too high….choking hazard ha ha

    1. I agree — with a rigid fabric and a tight fit, this would not work on me (and I’m Team Turtleneck in the winter, so generally OK with things on my neck).

    3. On the upside, I have a few beloved necklaces of a certain length, that tend to interfere with necklines a lot. This one would work great for those.

    4. I have a short upper chest, so a lot of necklines that look modest on others look indecent on me. This neckline would work great for me, I think!

  6. I’m looking to send my friend some fresh food when she gets home from the hospital after her kids surgery and hospital stay. She is in San Francisco. Any recommendations? I don’t want to send a gift card because she has plenty of money and I sent her kid some toys for the last surgery so looking to mix it up.

    1. Cinderella bakery is a Russian deli, lots of normal sandwiches and salads, but also pelmeni and piroshky and other Russian specialties. They are on at least one of the delivery apps.
      Just comes to mind because I went there recently.

    2. If she doesn’t already use Good Eggs, they tend to have a small, but high quality, selection of prepared foods. If that’s already her go-to, she may be tired of the selection, though.

    5. Mollie Stone’s is a local family-owned grocery chain here and they do delivery. They make delish semi-prepared meals too (soups, salads, salmon bowls, etc.) I think this would be a very good option.

      We have all the apps–we’re practically Silicon Valley, so you could also send her a specific meal too.

  7. Please help me find a gala appropriate dress/gown for a 7/8 month pregnant lady in late fall (late October NYC). I am looking at maternity specific dresses but also open to non-maternity dresses that have a stretchy fabric that will cover my large bump. This is not my first pregnancy so I will be quite large then and need a good amount of stretch if it’s a non-maternity dress. I’m 5’1, so rent the runway has never really worked out for me (everything is too long).

    Any brands/stores/fabric types I should like for?

    1. I’m currently at the end of my 7th month, attending two weddings, and have two dresses from Seraphine. They have a pretty good variety of styles, including a few gala-appropriate ones (they are not cheap though, but sell pretty well on Poshmark). I ordered my regular size (8) and they fit me well, I’m 5’4 so it’s possible you would need a slight hem. Warning that at this point I can no longer wear heels or tight shoes, not sure if that will be you (it won’t be as hot in October, maybe your feet don’t swell) but ideally plan something that would look cute with reasonably comfortable flats. I think if you are visibly pregnant enough people cut you some slack on very formal dress codes.

    2. I was about the 7 months pregnant when I attended a dinner for being elected partner – I got a gorgeous dress from Maya Maternity Bridesmaid from ASOS. It was $140 – so quite a good deal for a gala dress.

    4. I know this sounds crazy, but check out maternity bridesmaid dresses. Costs are usually lower than traditional formal wear options in department stores.

  8. Does anyone here track your spending? I just started and it’s eye opening. I’m using the notes feature on my phone but I think long term that might not be best for looking at trends over time. Do you use excel, google sheets or an app?

    1. Yes! My husband and I track everything via a shared Google sheet. It keeps us accountable and helps us review trends very easily.

    2. YNAB is a game-changer for tracking spending. There’s a bit of a learning curve but it’s worth the investment of time.

    3. I use excel and pivot tables to track spending by categories. I don’t budget at all, but tracking spending allows me to have a good mental budget and make better decisions about spending and earning.

    5. Mint (by intuit) is an excellent piece of software. There’s also an app! You can hook up your different accounts so that spending is tracked automatically.

      If I feel the need to do a deep dive, I can always download the data from Mint and use excel.

      1. Cosign Mint. Esp if you’re looking for a relatively easy “where is my money going?!?” or “why are my accounts so low this month?!?” analysis, Mint is great.

    6. I’m also a YNAB user, and it’s really helped me create good habits around not spending small amounts of money on things that I don’t really need. As I got better about that, I started using it more to create some “save to spend” categories (home repairs, vacation) and keep to those budgets, and prioritize investment and paying down debt.

      It’s really helpful to me to give every dollar a job so I don’t look at my account and think “I’ve got money for that – let’s just do it.” I may have the money in the account, but often those dollars have other jobs that are more important than me wanting to get takeout or a fancy coffee.

      2. Another here for YNAB. There definitely is a learning curve to the methodology, but once I got it, I GOT it and it’s been so helpful!

      1. Yes I use mint too because it’s so easy. I also have an excel spreadsheet to estimate the amount I should be saving.

    8. Yes! I’ve been using the same basic spreadsheet for probably ten years. It is one of the single best things I’ve ever done for my finances. It has evolved from being single to married to married with kids and keeps working. I just adjust categories as necessary. I can tell you how much I spent on clothes in 2010! Or crafts in 2015! I try to update it once a month.

      I’ve shared it with dozens of people over the years. If you want to post burner email, I am happy to send you a blank version for you to adapt.

      1. I’m not the OP but would love it. Thank you!

        No spaces in any of the below
        Fairfield renter
        At
        G mail

      3. I don’t know if you are still checking this and I’m not the above either but I would love it too –
        anonforcorporette AT gmail

    9. I was an early user of Mint and used it for a long time, and I switched to YNAB last year. Mint is really easy to set and forget, whereas I check YNAB every day. I’m much more conscious of my spending and budgeting while using YNAB. I find it holds me accountable in a way that Mint did not. With Mint, your transactions are auto imported and categorized – it learns how to categorize as you go. With YNAB, you can set up your transactions to auto import, but they go into a queue to be reviewed and approved by you before actually being input. YNAB also really focuses on getting you into good financial habits, for example working towards using this month’s income to fund next month’s budget. I never found Mint’s features to do that well. I do think that Mint’s reporting is a little more robust than YNAB’s. Initially I was running both apps with the thought that I might want access to Mint reports, but I haven’t actually found that to be the case.

      YNAB does have a little bit of a learning curve, and I had tried it in the past and didn’t like it. Last year I started using it right around the same time as I had paid off some debt that had been weighing on me and also was embarking on some career changes that made my income feel a little more unstable. I think that was a great headspace to go into using YNAB and part of why I’ve liked it so much! I needed to keep really good track of my money and that’s what YNAB is great for.

    10. I use an app for this (Every Dollar since it tracks the spend but you have to manually categorize it so you can’t ignore the purchases). It is humbling.

    11. I’ve been doing it since January 1, 2000 and I literally can’t imagine not doing it. As someone said above, at this point it’s literally the history of my life. I use MS Money, which they stopped supporting years ago but which I still love and use. I’ve dabbled in YNAB and Mint over the years and they are quite good, too!

    13. Yes my husband does it. It’s kind of funny because I do spreadsheets for a living (actuary) but he keeps this spreadsheet to track our average monthly spending for planning purposes. I don’t want to ever be in a relationship where I have to ask my partner what I can or can’t buy, so I have a credit card only I use, and he just enters the total at the end of the month. Even though I know he thinks I’m a crazy shopper (I’m really not, he’s just the kind of guy who hasn’t even bought a new tee shirt in 3 years) my monthly total is remarkably consistent so “Anon’s credit card” is just a line item in the spreadsheet.

  9. I am in the mood to buy some fabulous shoes. I have no other instructions but that they be fabulous/eye catching. I’m good with flats or heels, sparkles, bright colors, patterns, just a cool shape, whatever. Who has a recommendation?

    1. I mean. Hill House Home, makers of the nap dress, just launched some fabulous shoes.

      1. I am very meh on the shoes. But as an IBTC member who needs volume in a swim top, OMG the bathing suits. Yay! [Not sure how that will do under a rashguard, but so CUTE.]

    3. Years ago I bought a pair of Tory Burch snakeskin block heels. The Chelsea I think? Surprisingly I’m still wearing them. They are incredibly comfortable (even for my post covid feet), have worn like iron, and I always get complimented on them. Bonus – you can find the style way cheaper now at zappos, etc.

      2. Oh wow. I did not know this brand existed until minutes ago but I now need a pair immediately.

        1. If you decide to order online, call one of the stores to ask about sizing. I haven’t bought a new pair in ages, but I used to need to size up, and how much varied by style. The store associates were unfailingly helpful to me.

    5. I have a pair of Wildling Nebulas that get lots of comments and compliments whenever I wear them. They fall firmly in the “cool shape” camp as they are a barefoot sneaker, so maybe not the fabulous look you have in mind. Definitely not a sparkly, brightly-colored type of eye-catching shoe, but I love wearing them and they fit my office’s elevated, professional athleisure aesthetic.

        1. Those are amazing! I don’t wear leather, and that’s good thing because otherwise I would be tempted by a lot of the quite expensive shoes on that s*te.

  10. “I think we can all agree that the typical office dress code is having a bit of an identity crisis lately.” Well, I see to many dresses with a lot of ruffles and frills that look to girly and not professional at all.

    1. I see too many people who can’t spell; it doesn’t look professional at all.

      We can be girly and professional at the same time.

        1. The 1980s! The whole reason the “power suit” became big was because women wanted to have a male-equivalent business dress in the hopes they’d be taken more seriously. Pink frills have never been professional.

          1. If you don’t take me seriously because I’m wearing pink and I absolutely crush you in negotiations as a result, who is being unprofessional? My clients don’t think it’s me…

          2. Lol I’m a homicide prosecutor so I’m not super worried about you crushing me in your negotiations but I wouldn’t wear pink frills to either a negotiation or a trial. You do you though

        2. I think there is a line. You can be feminine and professional. Those nap dresses and abundant ruffles cross the line in my office (business casual law firm of 300 attorneys). I’m a junior partner. I wear color, dresses, flower patterns, jewelry, occasional ruffled sleeves or embellishment, etc. But some looks are better saved for girls brunch. It just seems that post-pandemic, junior associates and staff have forgotten that it’s OK to have a different wardrobe for work and non-work. There is some overlap but it shouldn’t be 100% overlap.

          1. +100

            I’m late 20s so I think I’m still dressing fashionably and in current looks, especially outside of work. My work wardrobe is mostly on-trend but basic – I’ve stopped wearing pencil skirts as that’s a dated look. I wear a lot of classics (dresses, slacks, blouses) in work appropriate but current cuts/styles/patterns. I wear fun colors and patterns (including pink or floral print) on styles that are work appropriate. I’m still fun and feminine and current (wide leg work pants, mules and loafers instead of ballet flats) in a way that’s workplace appropriate.

            That being said – walking to work I almost feel frumpy as I pass the young 20 somethings who are wearing what I’d consider weekend clothes to work. I’m all about fun rompers, ripped jeans, and ruffle floral dresses and stuff like that – but on a Saturday, not to the office!

          2. This is all so silly. Who cares what someone wears to work? It’s the work that matters, not people’s appearances.

        4. I don’t work in a professional services office, but federal government in a large midwestern city. There’s a huge variety of office wear; everything you can imagine.

          But I understand what the poster meant by too feminine, and that is if what you’re wearing would also work as a mother-daughter dress: ruffles, flutter sleeves, flounces, pinafore touches, bitty floral prints, pin tucking . . . THAT is too feminine.

          Sue Sartor and nap dresses are for home or for dashing into the office for a few minutes to pick up a file even in my anything-goes office.

          1. +1000000000

            You are fooling yourself if you think you look professional in a ruffle puff dress.

    2. There is a difference between feminine, and infantalizing. I’m team classic, and think that the amount of ruffles, tiers and peek-a-boos on women’s clothing these days – even for grown, adult, women – are part of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy to keep women barefoot and pregnant. You can look feminine and professional without having to dress like a sister wife.

      1. Haha love this, and agree. Why are we trying to revert to Little House on the Prairie all of the sudden? Go back and re -read those books- you don’t want to live that life.

    3. I mean, ruffles come and go in office wear. They were super in a few years ago – blouses, ruffles on sheath dresses either at the shoulder or down the skirt. I agree that a nap dress isn’t professional but I don’t agree with a blanket NO RUFFLES rule.

      1. I think there’s a huge difference between a small ruffle on a silk shell vs poofy calico ruffles straight out of Juniper Creek.

    4. On a day I’m in the office but not having any Important Meetings I see no issue with wearing something fluffy.

      1. This is my line too. For Important Meetings I dress like a banker (with the added leeway that comes from being a climate focussed banker and therefore being expected to be a bit of a hippy) but on other days flowy dresses are just more comfortable

    5. If any of you subscribe to the Lustre, a blog for retired women who refuse to become invisible, they have an interesting post today about how their styles evolved. I fully applaud and support women making their own choices to dress which way makes them happy; I do think we underestimate how much our “choices” are influenced by what is on the rack/everyone else is wearing (and esp. the rufflepuff crap). I don’t want to wear that but it vastly limits my choices when shopping.

  11. Help me shop! What would you wear to the US open (tennis) with clients? 7pm match with dinner so outfit will need to pull double duty. I’m generally bored with everything in my closet and everything either feels too corporate or too casual for this. Size 6, 5’3”, busty enough that anything w buttons always gapes unless I buy 2 sizes too big and tailor it down. Budget is open. Dress plus blazer if it gets cooler? Wider leg pants w a pretty top?

    1. Do you WANT to buy something new? I’ve been before as a guest of a financial services firm and it’s very common to see men and women there is business/business casual clothing – slacks and button down shirts or office-y dresses. If you do feel like something new I think this would be a totally reasonable place to wear a nap dress (one of the more structured ones) or a printed midi dress with sandals/espadrilles/fancy sneakers/rothys. I’d opt for espadrilles or rothys (only because I don’t have fashion sneakers) as you’re still likely to have people step on your feet/spill things in a stadium and I want my toes protected.
      Enjoy! The stadium is small enough that even the ‘bad’ seats have a great view!

      1. +1 I’ve been for a work-related US Open evening and everyone wore whatever we had worn in our business casual office that day. My recollection is there were lots of stairs so I’d personally probably stick to pants and then pair them with a nice sleeveless blouse and flats, sandals, or maybe some nicer sneakers. It’s a big complex and people like to have a walk around beforehand and check out the various matches going on around the center court building, so definitely not an event for heels!

        1. +1 it’s a big complex so wear comfortable shoes. Also, depends on which match you go to, the weather changes drastically in past years between the first and second week of the tournament. First week is typically hot hot hot. Second week is jacket weather.

  12. Just wanted to share that after the pep talk on Friday I took a suitcase of clothes and two full bags of books to the charity shop at the weekend and I feel so much lighter! Yarn is in the process of being distributed to my knitting friends as well. Thanks for the encouragement!

      1. +1 this is inspirational

        I did mail some yarn to a fellow knitter on redd1t who said he looooved mohair. I had at least two projects worth of the stuff that I knew I was never going to use because of the itch factor. He was delighted and that felt great.

  13. Love sheaths and I need about 2-3 more work dresses. On a budget, and i know I used to be able to find $30-40 work dresses at Marshall’s, etc but have been less successful lately. Ditto with consignment shops. Any recommendations for more affordable work dresses? Don’t need to be super fancy – workplace is bis cas (no jeans even on Friday, but no blazers, sandals ok in summer, etc)

    2. I’ve had decent luck recently using Thredup instead of going to consignment shops in person and striking out.

    4. +1 for Poshmark. If I find a dress that I like in-store, I’ll try to then find it on Poshmark for a fraction of the price.

    6. You can still find the Marshall’s type dresses at Nordstrom Rack for under $50 still (search Calvin Klein and Maggy London).

    7. BR Factory and Nordstrom Rack have had some that worked for me lately. I was pleasantly surprised to learn recently that Nordstrom Rack has an online ordering system now, too!

    9. I have the Maggie London Short Sleeve Crepe Midi Dress from Nordstrom Rack in 3 solid colors. It’s a perfect office dress for $50. I have several other Maggie London dresses too but they’re more colorful/patterned.

    10. We are in a period of record inflation. You probably need to move the needle on your $30-$40.

  14. Any advice on trying to do a hard reset with employees who started their first job during the pandemic (and finished their schooling remotely)? They have slipped into some generally horrible habits (responsiveness, spontaneous “working remotely” which turn into vacations (often told to their team as they are on their way out), not sticking to our plan for in-office days, not going to trainings, etc.). The result is that they have not advanced and we can’t justify keeping them on at a level where they are not earning their pay (so they stall out or re held back a pay grade). Others are fed up at having to spend their time re-re-re-training them (especially when something is in person and they are either late or want a dial-in to something that is planned for in-person). I think we give it one more good strong try this fall (after Labor Day when all vacations / planned travel should be over) and then hash it out on the next review cycle. But how to you make it clear to people who probably spent their whole lives getting gold stars that they are in serious trouble? I wouldn’t be anything other than a lone reviewer (vs the final decider) but if I decided to make a case for someone who steps it up, could save one (but not all) from the chopping block. How do you say Come to Jesus in a work setting?

    1. Have you ever sat down and approached it from a “these are the expectations of what work looks like” perspective? It feels like you’re assuming that things should be obvious that just aren’t to people who’re new to an office environment, especially with things in flux.

      1. I hear that, but when people are not going in on in-office days or to planned training, how do you do that? Do you call (and to what number?)? Send a “call me” e-mail? Send them a zoom link?

        I have these issues also and have resorted to things like sending feedback in document comments that I guess maybe is read or not read but after a couple times of sending the same thing, I’m pretty sure that anything that’s not simultaneous (regardless of medium) is never going to do the job that a 5-minute in-person review session accomplished in prior times. And if we are in=office 3 days/week, I feel like we could knock a lot out then (but I am so, so wrong re that).

        1. The thing is, students know that you do have to go to class or other required in person events even if its been virtual for a while. I’m not that much older than the people in question and I’m kinda stunned that they are just not going. What happens when they don’t come in? Do they clearly get “in trouble” with their boss or other?

        2. “Tristan, we need you to come into the office every Wednesday from now on. You and I will have a set meeting at 10 am to discuss projects and ongoing tasks. I’m sending a calendar invite now. I look forward to seeing you.”

          And then you manage them. Management is about leadership and mentorship. You have to put some time into these people (if nothing else, for documentation so you can fire them).

        3. What about an email with a “Check-in” subject line and a zoom link or request to schedule a call? So they have notice about the general subject matter and will (hopefully) understand that it’s an important discussion beforehand.

    2. I would have normally expected that people who successfully completed remote schooling would have learned excellent responsiveness and WFH productivity. I wonder if this is more of a “everyone went easy on them during a global pandemic and passed them no matter what” issue?

      1. I think you learn how to do your job by being at the job and watching how other people do theirs, especially when it’s your first one. I cringe thinking back on how I initially approached my first professional job in my early twenties, but I eventually learned by falling into the pattern modeled for me by my coworkers. Today, new professionals generally have so much less to go off on because of remote work and lax expectations (because of a pandemic policy of grace and flexibility). They just don’t learn office norms as quickly. And yeah, it may mean that you have to expressly call them out for conduct that won’t work in your office, but I think they will get there as long as the expectations are modeled and enforced. It might just be a slower process.

      2. Second sentence, for sure. Pandemic was brutal for any 2-career families with kids b/c our local schools could not get their act together and despite promising to re-open, did not in fact re-open. Those people (involuntarily WFH b/c they had to stay there with minor kids and deal with lunch/tech issues / lonely kids / reteaching zoom math) were the link b/w senior management (SAHWs mainly dealing with this) and newbies (WFH even still). The people in their 30s/40s are largely back in the office in my city (one mom said she has PTSD from WFH for 18 months and want to be ALONE in the office and sadly, she is largely completely alone here) but the newer hires are not even there when they should be on in-office days.

      3. This. So many students didn’t show up at all, never did the homework, and never took the tests that teachers went easy on everyone else.

    3. Here is a problem we run into: running away from bad situations and bad news. We ask that anyone communicate with their group re timing and check in on longer projects to see how things are going. Often, they will say “fine; can meet deadlines.” Other deadlines are same-day. Frequently (but not always), they will just blow past deadlines and follow-up with “sry I missed the deadline” and then not pick up when called and not come in for a day or so. By that time, we may be on to the next thing and circling back becomes yet another chore for people often having to spend a lot of time doing work that doesn’t come in (or re-doing rushed work that is poorly done). Some people have been burned enough that they are just not assigning work any more.

      1. Someone in charge of them needs to be direct with them about what the expectations are. And then in their reviews, if they haven’t been meeting the expectations, you mention it as putting them on very thin ice. But if the office has been too flexible up to this point, they may simply be unaware (because they’re young) that the expectations are real expectations. It sounds like you all are simply letting things slide because it’s easier, but that clearly isn’t working.

    4. It sounds hard if you’re not the direct manager but if you have someone you like and mentor I think you could advise. Sadly this is super common right now as in many industries there was a real kids glove approach during pandemic /BLM etc and then with the labor market what it is no one wants to rock the boat bc people could and would leave but it’s led to exactly what you describe when managers and leaders didn’t handle it well (which I totally agree is tough – no one has been through this before). I think the clear and kind thing is to communicate expectations, when they don’t meet them call it out. Maybe there’s no consequence the first time (and you say that we’ve gotten a little lax during pandemic) but here is the impact to others and to the business and here is what the consequence for their job or reputation are. Good luck!

      1. Thanks! OP here and my concern is that these are not bad people, but they need to be able to do some tasks that they have been not doing well or no one is trusting them with b/c of concerns work will be late or need revisions. And yet . . . there is no future for them if that is the capacity they stay in. I know this. They may not. I can tell them much better in person and show them what they need to do and how to do it. But I will be grumpy if another year goes by and nothing changes.

        1. “they have been not doing well or no one is trusting them with b/c of concerns work will be late or need revisions”

          So you actually need to assign them work, ensure they have everything they need (templates, context, etc.) to do it and then let them fail. Once they’ve failed X number of times over Y period of time, you put a performance improvement plan in place. If they fail to meet the parameters established in the performance improvement plan, you fire them and start over.

          It sounds blunt, but you have to actually manage performance, make expectations crystal clear, and ensure the employee has everything they need to control their own destiny. Also take this opportunity to ensure expectations are clearly communicated, the employee knows what success is, etc.

          Employees aren’t mind readers. Early in my career there was heavy emphasis on “learning by osmosis” which frankly is a crap mechanism that sets new employees up to fail and tenured employees up to be frustrated. I wasted a lot of time being thoroughly confused, completing the wrong deliverables, not completing work that was assigned to me, etc. Turns out writing someone’s name into a spreadsheet they have no idea exists and never communicating the deadline turns into work not being completed on time.

          1. I agree with all of this! It sounds like OP is hoping for a magic wand she can wave to make people come into the office. And that as soon as people are in the office all other problems will sort themselves out.

            I suspect this is as much of a “management is/was afraid to give any negative feedback in a hot labor market” issue as a “remote work” issue. You have to communicate with employees, give them clear expectations and consequences when those expectations aren’t met. I would start with a direct conversation about how office attendance is expected and what the consequences will be if they don’t meet that expectation. Maybe office attendance will solve the other problems but I suspect there will need to be a series of conversations about various expectations and consequences. If folks have been allowed to ignore rules, not do work assigned to them, etc without any negative impacts to them I can’t imagine the issue is as simple as “they need to be in the office and they’ll pick up on th rest”.

    5. Written warnings and performance plans are the Come to Jesus in work settings. Typically these work best within 30-60 days after a direct, verbal conversation setting expectations.
      – am an employment lawyer, have had multiple companies grapple with this issue in the last year ish. Issue is harder if pre-Covid hires are modeling these behaviors. Younger and newer hires don’t think someone with 10+ years should have any more trust than a new hire. If rules are different, it needs to be explained.

    6. I think come to Jesus needs to be in person. I would email them and say “I am setting a meeting time to XYZ to discuss your work performance. It will be in person and there is no option to dial in or do this on webex.” Then have the meeting and lay all of this out.

      I would not make this meeting that far in the future. Alternatively, you say to them “pick a time this week from X, Y or Z (when you are available) so that we can set up an in person meeting.” And then you lay all of these things out to them. You can start by saying, “I know this is your first in person full time office job and the world has been weird the last two years, but this is how things work at this office.”

      Side note – this is why companies need to have clear guidelines on employees taking vacation. At my office, we have “unlimited vacation” but there’s no guidelines as to how your supposed to ask for time off, etc. so everyone just announces when they’re taking time off with no planned thought toward coverage while your out. So everyone becomes p i s s y that they either had to work on vacation or something got dumped on them last minute because someone else went on vacation.

    7. I think you can just be blunt with them, no need to coddle or inspire. “FYI, performance reviews are coming up and you haven’t been doing your work or showing up when you should. Being put on a performance plan is the path to getting fired, so you may want to keep that in mind going forward.” Then let them get fired if they deserve it.

      1. I don’t disagree, but I would caveat that new hires don’t understand what a performance plan is or that it signifies that they should be looking for a new job. The euphemistic language works a little too well in my experience; I’ve had a couple of 20-something friends who adamantly argued with me that it was not serious and it just meant they would need to meet those goals to be in line for promotion. Both were unprepared when it became clear that the organization was just creating a paper trail to terminate their positions.

        1. PIP = Paid Interview Prep.

          Even if you improve and meet goals, you probably won’t get promoted; you’re “that employee.”

        2. Honestly this is largely because managers don’t want to say hard stuff. Grow a pair and be direct – if you do not meet the expectations in this performance improvement plan, the consequence is termination. The performance improvement plan should say that!

    8. I have had many come to jesus talks with junior employees over the years, and they are almost always successful. It’s like I can see the lightbulb flickering on as we chat – like, oh wow, this is different from a school environment where my work didn’t really impact others and there were no real world consequences. Here’s what I do:

      1. Schedule a meeting, in person if we are located in the same city. Make clear that in-person is non-negotiable. I frame it as a check in to discuss performance.
      2. Prep for the meeting by preparing some talking points/examples of good things they are doing and areas where they need improvement.
      3. During the meeting, be kind but firm. Talk up ways in which they are succeeding. Let them know that you want them to succeed but that there are a number of workplace expectations in place, and you want to reiterate them because they are not meeting them and it is causing issues for XYZ reason. Frequently, I have found that junior employees don’t get that if they miss their deadline, senior employees now have to scramble to do their work or push their deadlines, potentially annoying execs or external clients. I spell this out and point to an example where their failing to meet a deadline ruined a senior staffer’s weekend or resulted in an angry client email.
      4. Be clear about expectations going forward. E.g., “Going forward, I need you to hit your deadlines. If an emergency crops up, please reach out to me in advance so we can troubleshoot the issue together.”
      5. Be clear about consequences going forward. If their job is at stake, make that known. If they have expressed interest in a promotion but will never get it based on current performance, spell that out for them.
      6. Take a heavier hand when managing going forward. If you assign a project, schedule an interim progress check-in. These people clearly need much closer management.

    9. You do this with a written performance improvement plan, just like any other performance issue. Sometimes coaching isn’t enough, and since you mention the chopping block, you need to be doing this sort of documentation anyway.

      In the long run, it’s a kindness to let people know when they’re failing. A termination should never be unexpected.

      1. “A termination should never be unexpected.” I think that that will change with the failing pandemic hires. People who are failing b/c they avoid the office, avoid training, and avoid feedback are going to miss all of the warning signs just as they are missing all of the norming that used to be gotten via osmosis and checking in with their peers.

        The candid negative feedback was easy to give in the moment and interact with the person you’re giving it to to soften the blow. It is either ignored when done remotely (how is feedback working in that camera-off zoom? for all I know, you’re playing Call of Duty on mute) or minimized as a “nice to have” vs a “need to have.”

        One friend of my son was fired recently and said it was a total shock, but maybe a few weeks later seemed to acknowledge that there were some things that were warning signs but he never took as such (and some issues with free-for-all vacations and communicating days off vs remote working vs remote “working”). Some people are going to learn the hard way and that will be sad to see more of as we are heading into a recession.

        1. The warning sign is in writing, or should be if you’re any kind of a manager. A person can walk away from a coaching meeting with a completely different interpretation than yours, but if you follow it up with something in writing documenting your conversation, it’s much less likely to be misinterpreted. If coaching didn’t work, the next step is the performance improvement plan, which lays out expectations for improvements with deadlines. There is no mistaking this.

          If you’ve professionally managed your problem employees, the termination is not a surprise and is the logical consequence to the paper trail you’ve established. If an employee doesn’t do you the favor of resigning during this period, then they’re either un-hireable anywhere else, or more likely they’re waiting for the severance and possibly a chance to collect unemployment.

  15. Business travel question! This may sound silly to you more seasoned travelers, but how nice is business class? I’m thinking about an optional work assignment to the Middle East, 1 week, very well-compensated. Is business class nice enough to make up for the hassles of travelling? Right now the idea of spending uninterrupted hours in a comfortable spot reading, watching videos, and catching up on stuff (while people bring me food and drinks) sounds pretty good. The work would not be much more difficult than my regular routine, and the $ is good. An 18 hour flight in coach would be miserable. But would it be – dare I say – enjoyable if they put me in business class? Thank you!

    2. Yes, yes it is. Not only is the experience in the air far better (the ability to lay flat to sleep! Really sleep!), but flying business, you’ll get access to the GOOD lounges on departure and arrival.

      Go for it.

    3. Yes. Absolutely. Do the business class flight. I used to fly regularly from JFK to east Asia on business (14+ hrs) and could hit the ground running. Boarding is efficient, you get your checked bags quickly, and you can work and rest on the flight. I’d try to book an early AM arrival. I used to arrive on the first flight in (4AM arrival), which meant I beat the customs rush, traffic into the city, could do a full day of mtgs, and helps to overcome jet lag.

    5. I personally wouldn’t say that an 18h flight in business class would be *enjoyable*, but it will be far, far, far nicer than economy and completely fine. I would definitely take this work assignment.

    6. I would do it. Long-haul business class is a very good travel experience. If you can fly Emirates, I’ve heard that has really great premium products. Check out Sam Chui’s review videos on YouTube. He does a good comparison of service and perks on various airlines and across various classes of travel. Would help to figure out if you think it would be worth it!

    7. Business class will make it more bearable and if I were you I’d research the best airlines depending on your particular route. There are surprisngly big differences in the business class experience/lounges depending on the airline – the Points Guy and others usually offer a good breakdown. For example – Virgin is a MUCH nicer business class flight to Heathrow than British Airways and Virgin has (had? it’s been a year or so since I went) a semi-private security line/check in situation which makes dealing with Heathrow MUCH nicer.
      If you want I’m sure other road warriors can post their tips but the tip I always got was to arrive early enough to eat dinner in the lounge (not on the plane), shower and change into PJs in the lounge (and you want a lounge with nice showers!!) and then try to sleep ASAP on the flight (tell the attendants you won’t be eating right away, they’ll bring you food when you wake up). You can always get food later but imho the true value of business class is the ability to arrive rested, not to gorge yourself on free food and drink for 18hrs. Taking a shower in the arrivals lounge if you can’t check into your hotel right away also helps me feel like a human and not a jet lagged zombie. And some airlines have private cars for their business class passengers to use in certain locations (first come first served).

      1. Oh! And I’d also sign up for a membership with the airline you’re flying and investigate the best credit card if you’ll be paying this upfront and getting reimbursed. Those long flights rack up a LOT of points.

    8. Business class is a lot nicer than coach but I still don’t think an 18 hour flight will be fun.

    9. Business class is especially enjoyable on long, overnight flights. We recently flew business to Europe (not entirely by choice, we booked late and coach was sold out, but fortunately we could swing it financially) and arrived in Europe in the morning completely refreshed after a good night’s sleep, which never happens in coach. I would recommend it if you can afford it.

    10. Yep, it is standard for them to fly your business class and I have enjoyed those flights. The company should not blink an eye at paying for an airline ticket in the five figures.

    11. I agree. International business class is very nice and also the business class airport lounges are super nice.

    12. Yes I would only do this in business class, and it’s very nice, especially international business class.

      Business class from SFO to say Ft Lauderdale is very ho hum and not really worth the extra money, but SFO to say CDG in United Polaris? Sign me up. And if you use an airline like Emirates, I believe it’s even nicer (haven’t personally done it, but would in a heartbeat.)

    13. I don’t mind long flights in business at all. You have plenty of time to get on, watch movies, work, eat, and then sleep (bring a sleeping pill), and still can wake up after getting a decent amount of sleep, and do all of that again (breakfast, etc). In contrast, I feel a lot of pressure to board and immediately go to sleep if it’s a 6hour red eye.

      Definitely look at the airlines and their business class seats. I’ve had great experiences on Etihad, Emirates and Turkish.

      1. Would caveat that you should only bring one sleeping pill that you will consume on the plane. Even seemingly benign things like melatonin are illegal in some gulf countries.

  16. I found out a dear friend is expecting. I’d love to send her flowers or another great gift. She’s in Austin – any recs for florists or gift shops that can deliver? Thanks!

    1. A classic Austin delivery gift is Tiff’s Treats, which are very good (if very sweet) cookies delivered warm from the oven.

    5. I’m in Austin and just had a discount code come across my Insta. It’s TIFF50. Hope you can use it!

  17. I posted a week or two ago about my financial advisor (Ameriprise affiliate) feeling less impactful and more salesy these days. We have one of our 2x/annual meetings this afternoon. I know they’re not a truly fee based/independent firm, but that’s not why I’m posting. I just want a read on the fees we’re currently being charged.

    – $3k annual financial advisor fee – 2x/year meetings to review everything (these are kind of pointless feeling these days since we’re in “coast mode” with everything funding and doing what we need them to. I do see the value in an “annual check up” but for $3k? Their value-add was super high when we started working with them over 5 years ago and had nothing set up – not life insurance, IRAs or anything, but the fee has been static since then), plus ad hoc questions throughout the year (like 1-2 questions max that are really simple in nature and could probably figure out on my own if I tried).

    – We also have about $250k in AUM with them. $15k in cash reserves, $30k in a 529, and $205k in two different “actively managed” IRAs. We are charged 1.35% for this. It’s a sliding scale fee schedule, and the next hurdle is $500k-$2m charging 1.2%. At a minimum, I feel like 1.35% on the 529 funds is absurd.

    I have no idea if this is reasonable or not. Is this all high? FWIW, we have assets in other places, namely a mid-six-figure sum of cash balance that sits in a 1.75% rate savings account (with no intention of moving it over to Ameriprise).

    TIA for the gut check.

    1. I think you know the answer since you are asking here — it feels too high for you.

      I think you need to look at the whole picture, especially on those actively managed IRAs — are there separate fees for those or is it included? Because your management fee will eat into your returns, and if you are already paying expenses on those funds as well, that’s a lot going out of your accounts.

      This meeting will be a good chance for you to press your advisor about their value in this market. Compare your returns to the S&P500 over the last year. Did they outperform in a way that makes the fee worthwhile? What do they think they bring to the table? What questions or goals do you anticipate in the next 3-5 years, and is it worth paying those fees to reach them, or can you reach them another way?

      1. These fees are absurdly high. Do this investing yourself. Read the Bogleheads getting started pages. Or just keep what you have and ditch this advisor. You’re costing yourself an incredible amount of money for nothing every year. Do you work for your advisor or for yourself?

    2. This seems bad to me. They’re letting you keep all that cash at a low rate (absent some fantastic reason). Your total AUM is not high enough to justify fancy active management. I would get out.

      1. The $15k cash sits there because it’s our “working account.” We sweep in to it from our outside savings account monthly and the funds are then auto deducted to pay for annual STD and life premiums plus the $3k annual fee. But your point is well taken — these premiums and fees that we pay could just auto debit out of the cash reserve in my outside account that is earning 1.75%, vs this one that is PAYING 1.35%.

        So far, my conclusion from this is to move the 529 and the cash reserve balance out. TBD if we do anything with the IRAs, but will continue to hear/process feedback from others.

        1. This is unrelated but I was referring to the ‘mid-six figures’ sitting outside Ameriprise. When people say mid six figures – does that mean like $500k? Or 400-600k or something ?This is something I’ve always wondered!

          2. My financial advisor charges what yours does and would beat me with my own shoes if I parked half a mil in a cash account.

    4. This sounds terrible. I’ve never understood why someone would pay for active management until they have multiple millions or unusual business or family needs. It makes no sense to pay someone to manage a trivial amount of IRA and 529 money. You can do the same thing at vanguard for almost nothing. Why throw your money away?

      1. Appreciate this color. At the time we started working with them we were desperate for “money therapy” as a couple, we were on the precipice of significant increases to income, just had a kid and all around just overwhelmed. It was the right kick in the pants and 100% worth the cost to get things in order and to recalibrate our relationship with money. Today? Leaning heavily toward “not so much.”

    5. That’s a lot of money you’re paying.

      Do you think they’re doing so much better for you than you would do without them to earn their fee? If so, why do you think that?

      The only way this would be worth it for me is if I would blow all my money or otherwise make really bad decisions but for these regular conversations. I don’t see how an advisor of this sort is actually going to get an investor better returns.

    6. This is def high. I would move everything over to Vanguard or Schwab where there are like 0.2 or 0.3% expense ratios instead of the 1+% you’re paying now. Then you can find a fee-only planner for a few thousand $ every other year if you feel like you need it.

    7. You are paying way too much for bad advice. We paid our independent fee-only CFP $750 for a comprehensive look at our cash flow and asset allocation, including recommendations on investments and multiple scenarios for college and other expenses.

  18. BigLaw people who have assigned secretaries: how upset would you be if you were told that your secretarial assignment was getting changed? With 1 day of notice and no prior discussion?

    1. IANAL, but I don’t think one day of notice for a staffing change is good practice regardless. Any further context you can give us?

      1. I wish I had some! My person was going out on pre-planned FMLA for a couple of weeks and I had expected to get an e-mail re who’d provide coverage then but was just informed of the switch (and then informed that the e-mail was their way of involving me in the process). Since my person is gone, there is not opportunity for training now (and since there was no notice, no chance to train prior to the FMLA starting). And maybe someone would have realized that there are 500 security screens that I need to apply for a waiver for the new person to give her access to things she needs to work on (why no one thought of this . . .) while training her and while doing my job. Ugh. I hate HR. Not sure what we pay them for when they just seem to generate chaos.

        1. That sounds like straight up poor management and they had to scramble. I’d be upset for sure and I would make it clear to your HR that this is not professional and actively hampers your workflow.

          1. Maybe I’m just defensive bc I’m in HR (and I’m aware that there’s a lot of bad HR) but I don’t know why HR would be responsible for arranging and communicating staffing coverage. That’s straight up management. If you’re a manager and know someone has a leave coming up it’s on you to make a coverage plan, communicate it and know what’s required to make it successful (training, access etc). And yes it would upset me to find that out the day before!

        2. If you knew your assistant was going to be out on planned FMLA then you should have been proactive about who was filling in. It’s a little unfair to claim that you were switched with one day notice when you knew a switch was coming. It is your job to manage your workload and to ensure you have proper coverage. I know – believe me I know – how frustrating it can be in a law firm to be someone’s boss but not really their boss, to be responsible for staffing when you have no control, but ultimately the buck does stop with you. You cannot expect HR to know things like your files require special clearance or your assistant needs special training or you need transition time – YOU have to tell them that, and if they don’t listen then escalate until a partner tells you to stop.

          1. I think it’s different if you think Your Person is coming back after a few weeks (in which case some things could just wait) as opposed to what happened here, which is a permanent change.

        3. Just trying to get facts straight: you knew your admin was leaving for a period of time but just sat waiting until the day before she left to be told who would be covering?

          1. I think the OP is complaining that rather than learning who would be providing FMLA coverage at the last minute (not a problem), that the firm actually permanently changed her admin at the last minute.

            Level of concern and prep for doing without your normal person for 3-4 weeks is very different than the latter scenario.

        4. Wouldn’t the FMLA temp have needed to go through that screening process? If so, you’re in the same place in terms of time lost. Or were you planning on giving them nonsensitive stuff to do? Again, you would have been dealing with a temporary loss of assistance. If you want to fight to keep your assistant bc on a personal level, go for it, but I don’t think the notice period is the issue.

    2. I’d be irritated regardless because it is rude to spring a big change on someone without real notice. But whether I’d actually complain depends on what level the person is. I’m in house but would be a partner if I were at a firm, and would definitely complain if that happened at that level. I had a couple of assistant changes as a young associate and it was annoying, but I understood the moves and didn’t feel like I had the reputation to complain yet. As a younger lawyer, my files were mostly kept by partners’ assistants and there wasn’t anything to really transition from one person to another.

      1. +1. I think whether or not you could/should complain depends a lot on your seniority.

        1. Yup. If I were a partner I would raise he!!. Junior associate, I would keep my mouth shut.

    4. Depends …at my old firm i had a real relationship with my secretary and would be very upset. I currently don’t have that so it wouldn’t make a huge difference.

    5. I spent much of my time as a junior/midlevel without a competent assistant who had bandwidth assigned to me, so I’d be thrilled just to have anyone who could really help me. I used my firm’s word processing center much more, since they could do a lot of what I needed overnight.

      That said, I wouldn’t be happy about the short notice if I was relying on someone and needed them to be trained on work specific to my practice.

    6. THat’s bad but also poor management is common for biglaw secretaries. If you are not the bigwig on the assignment (secretary supports a higher level partner or clearly does most of their work for someone else), I experienced that the “other lawyers” were pretty fungible and moved around on the secretary’s assignment without much notice.

    1. personally I think a sheath with a solid blazer over it would look equally appropriate given the attire most are wearing to work, and what I see women wearing to Important Meetings around my in-house office, but a suit is def the safe bet. (The only time a candidate’s attire stood out to me as odd was a student who wore an actual leather jacket – not a blazer – with suit pants.)

    2. Yes absolutely. The rules may be loser for laterals but as a law student you show up in a suit.

    4. Absolutely. Full suit with matching pieces. You can choose pants, skirt, or dress with your jacket based on your preference. You need to show that you understand the most formal business attire rules, regardless of how you or anyone else will actually dress in regular office days.

        1. I don’t think you’ll stand out, but it’s not necessary. I wear hose all the time in the Bay Area because I get cold very easily and I hate the feeling of bare feet in shoes.

      3. No, but just in case your interviewers are extra stuffy I’d wear close toed shoes and nothing with an overly high heel or platform.

      5. I am still mad about the time I had to waste trying to find hose that matched my dark skin for callbacks! Not required anymore.

        Just make sure you know what your dress/skirt looks like while sitting.

    7. Suit. No pantyhose. I recently had this conversation with the women in my BigLaw office, and none of us had worn pantyhose (as opposed to fashion tights in winter) in YEARS, including to interviews or court. Flats or heels are fine so long as they’re professional and look good with the suit; skirt, dress, or pants are all fine too. I think that a sheath dress and jacket are fine, but should be in the cut / dressy level of a traditional suit.

  20. When you normally go to your mom with your problems, and your mom has a stroke with lasting effects, who do you go to? I’ve talked to my spouse and dad about it, but I don’t have any really close friends, and the other close family members I would have historically gone to for support have passed away in the last few years. My spouse is supportive, but I need to be the strong and practical one for my dad. Not sure what I’m really looking for here, just need to get this off my chest. Wish I could go home and have a good cry, but I’m stuck in the office today since my home internet is out.

    1. I’m so sorry. Can you leave work? I’d understand.

      I’d look for talk therapy (not CBT; in this case, you’re adjusting to a major life event and CBT IS is less indicated), and while you wait to get in, a massage with someone who has training in Eastern medicine and can hear your pain and work with you to help you feel it and move through it.

      1. Thanks. Have a lot going on at work, so I can’t take the day. Need to just buckle down and focus on the work at hand, but it’s tough today

    2. A therapist. I’m not trying to be glib – I lost my mom years ago and still miss her counsel. I’m sorry about your mom, and it’s okay to grieve your loss of her in that role for you.

    3. I’m sorry. There isn’t really a good answer here. My only thought is that if they’re not problems that would worry your mom and her cognitive abilities are such that she can understand what you’re saying and you can more or less understand what she says in response, and you don’t think it would hurt YOU more…you could talk to your mom. I say this as the daughter of someone who had a massive stroke so I know 100% how difficult it is and that it’s not the same and that it sucks.

      But once in awhile I just wanted to talk to my dad and no one else would do. It wasn’t the same, but once I was able to tell my dad, and know that he felt able to give his opinion, as it was, I was able to better figure out what other type of support I needed. I’m glad now that I had those conversations.

      And even if she can’t respond, it might make you feel better to just tell her and hold her hand. I don’t know.

      But I am so sorry. These moments sucked more than really any other part for me after the stroke and there’s really no answer that makes it better.

      1. Thanks, Sloan. We are fortunate she can still communicate and do many of the things she used to do, but it breaks my heart that she is still so confused and doesn’t always make sense or understand what we are saying.

        1. It sucked. Sometimes I would tell my dad something and like four hours later he’d say “Well, just f- ‘em.” Or some other advice (choosing his most common advice there though lol). I’d say “Uh, what?” And he’d say it again. After awhile I realized it had taken him that long to process what I told him and figure out his advice. It was really hard. Just really really hard.

    4. I’m sorry you’re going through a tough time. For me, my mother has never been capable of providing support to me. I lost my father a few months ago and it’s only gotten more strained and more complicated. That said, over the years, I’ve been fortunate to build a community of women around me to fill that void: my sister, my former mother-in-law, a close friend or 2 with similar family situations. And a therapist. If you need to talk, I’d be happy to listen. Post a burner email and I’ll be sure to respond.

    5. Find yourself a solid therapist. My friends and I talk a lot about how who you resonate with as a therapist is often the missing role in your life – a friend who lost her mom has a mom type as a therapist, a friend who lost their dad has a dad like therapist, another has a substitute older sibling in their therapist. I always lean towards similar aged people who feel like confidants over parental figures.

    7. I’m so sorry, Adrift. Since my mom died, I’ve had to make do with an aunt, a cousin, my sister, and my dad. And it isn’t the same. If you’re looking to vent, can you ask your spouse to just let you do it without offering solutions? Or to listen and then hold you, if that’s what you need? Or vent here. We’ve got you. Sending love and support.

  21. Posted this yesterday but think it was too late so re-posting today:

    I inherited an employee who I recently found out people feel talks over them, is abrasive, etc. I don’t fully disagree with parts of this, but I was surprised at the negative and personal tone in which I was told about this (from a senior person) and also think some of it is really due to my former boss, who has left.

    I told the employee some of this feedback, focusing on the parts that are objective and with action steps. There are parts that I feel are just a mismatch in personality, and I don’t like to feel like I’m just repeating gossip. Since I haven’t seen such bad behavior myself and I didn’t really get any specific examples, its hard for me to gauge.

    It also turns out that even though apparently people have felt like this for a while, and our former boss knew, no one told this employee any of this.

    Any tips on how to handle this? The person who told me is like a diagonal line boss. I’d like to help this employee, but its hard when I don’t have a good grasp on why other departments don’t “get along” with them. I think this employee is a little brash, but this commentary also seems a bit more personal than professional. Maybe this is why previous bosses didn’t say anything, although there was also some bad management involved.

    1. If the employee is a woman then this is likely straight up sexism. Please don’t counsel a woman to diminish herself because people in your organization are put off by a woman being assertive.

      2. From yesterday’s post, it’s a man. I worry that when a man is being brash and abrasive enough for other employees to speak up, there is a massive problem.

      3. Funny, I immediately thought it was a man. Probably because I used to have a boss who did this. It was his form of mansplaining. He would ask me a question, I’d start to answer it, then he’d continue speaking over me at a louder volume.

    2. It is, indeed, hard to do much without specific actionable feedback. But the employee may need it. How can we help?

      1. I guess I’m asking if I should tell him “people find you abrasive” or “people thought you were rude to them the past” without examples or having really seen this.
        Or if I should press the person who said this and try and get specifics.

        Just today a different senior person basically said that that employee’s loud personality would be a plus for their project – another sign that its more personal than universal.

        1. I would have a conversation with the employees who complain and see if there are other issues at play. Is it just talking over, or does this person yell? Is he belligerent?

          I would also look at turnover underneath him if he manages employees.

          It could be personality clashes or it could be the very tiny tip of a huge iceberg.

    3. I think you’ve gotten some good advice on whether or not/how to engage but if you feel like it’s a real need, I had good luck with someone that sounds similar using an article from Suzanne Peterson on how to develop your leadership style In HBR in December 2020. There’s a table on different behaviors and the idea was that it’s easier to add some softening or attractive behaviors than stop doing some of the abrasive things. Maybe that’s helpful for you (it was the same advice on adding powerful behaviors for those who lean more on the attractive sides-the author’s language).

    4. Wait for it to play out in front of you and then give the feedback in the moment/immediately following the incident. Do not give non-specific feedback that you yourself thinks is more personal than professional – and especially feedback of a variety that is very frequently given only to women/based in gender biases (if this person is a woman – that you, as this person’s manager, have not witnessed yourself.

      If this really is a big problem, it’s a matter of weeks, not months or years, before you have a live example in front of you that you can respond to on the spot.

      1. It’s a man, but I just read the HBR article another commenter mentioned and it talks about how people with a very “attractive” vs very “powerful” leadership style don’t always get along – and I can see flashes of that here. I agree that if this is really a problem I’ll see it myself, so maybe I’ll ask for actual examples but also wait to see it play out.

      2. Yes. This. Seek out opportunities to observe the behavior yourself and then give immediate, objective feedback. I try to stick to a formula: make an observation of their words/behaviors + describe the impact + specify what needs to happen differently next time. bonus points if you can frame the last part as a question and coach them to identify what they need to do differently… but that can turn a five minute conversation into a 20 minute one. I feel pretty strongly that giving general feedback like “other people think you’re too brash” without seeing it firsthand, or being prepared to get into really specific examples, is a great way to completely demoralize your team and show them that you will never have their back.

    5. I responded to your post yesterday, but you need to collect more specific examples and give more specific feedback. A person that acts this way is either oblivious or doesn’t care, but you need to provide concrete examples of what is not acceptable on a go-forward basis in your workplace.

    6. I think if you can see a kernel of truth there,and can’t dismiss it outright, you need to invest some time and attend some of these meetings. Either you witness something that you can coach the employee on, or you can go back to the complainer and say you haven’t observed anything, but if they have specific examples they should follow up with you.

    1. I went for a shoe fitting in an indie running store in Feb and they put me in the stability version of the Adidas Solar Glide. I absolutely love them – they fit my foot shape and I feel supported – and have just re ordered a new pair as they’re beginning to wear out and give me blisters (I am heavy and half marathon training so about a six month lifespan is pretty much to be expected)

      1. Unfortunately the running shop near me closed and I need to start breaking in my new pair soon – half marathon training starts for me this Sunday

      1. Which brooks specifically? I have brands I generally prefer (Saucony) but am looking for specific models.

        My current pair (Mizunos, which I generally like but not this pair) is at the end of its life (9 months – eek), and I start my training plan for my next half on Sunday.

        1. It’s funny you say that, I have run in Mizunos for years (Wave Rider) and overpronate, but have been less than impressed with my most recent pair.

        2. Brooks Adrenaline for me. But nothing beats getting your gait analyzed and a specific shoe recommendation.

      1. Thank you! These were one of the pairs I was considering. I’ve had really mixed experiences with Asics in the past but am willing to try again!

        1. I previously ran in Saucony for years and years. Then my podiatrist suggested Asics and I haven’t worn anything else since. Good control and cushioning. I need to size up a whole size, but the Kayanos have really worked for me.

    4. Runners World and places like that are always doing reviews and roundups. I’d look there for info- shoe fit is really an individual thing so there’s no substitute for trying a bunch, but that can help narrow your options.

    5. Asics gel Kayano.

      Also, you can search on new balance’s website to find out which “numbers” are for overpronation. I like a number of the higher end New Balances, and bonus that they come in my giant size (12).

      Do not buy any shoes that are cushioning–you want “stability”. I think that zappos allows you to sort for overpronation too!

  23. What’s your favorite shapewear for under dresses? I’m a size 12ish – I’d like to smooth my stomach and hips.

    2. I’ve tried all different kinds of shapewear and think this is a really individual choice because it depends on your body and how you move throughout the day. I’ve had really good luck with the kind of shapewear that are like leotards with shorts and spaghetti straps but not the front part so that you can wear a normal bra. These are somewhat tricky to use the bathroom in, but with short sleeves you can just slip the straps off under your sleeve. For me this type holds in the stomach and hip areas and most importantly for me, doesn’t tend to ride up or dig in at the waist. They look much more full on than say, a jockey slip short, but in my experience are actually more comfortable and functional.

  24. Thanks to everyone here who has recommended or mentioned Lulu’s for bridesmaid dresses.

    My colleague’s nephew is getting married next month and her niece (the groom’s sister), the only bridesmaid who lives locally, went in over the weekend to try on the bridesmaid dress the bride had had made for her. It is unquestionably the ugliest bridesmaid dress ever made – below-knee forest green dirndl skirt that makes the willowy 30-y-o niece look like a roly-poly, peach satin insert across the top of the abdomen ending mid-b**b (with the two colors not alligning at the back zipper) and a blue print, maybe calico, on the cuffs of the short sleeves and on the collar, whichends in a perky little tie off to the side, like a kerchief. Honestly, words don’t describe the horror. The bridesmaids will look like sister wives dressed up for a square dance in 1956.

    I’m way past the bridesmaid stage myself but I knew about Lulu’s from commenters here, found a bunch of beautiful dark green dresses there and sent the links to the niece. She has organized an intervention to be led by the MOH – who is a fashion designer (!) and was equally appalled. (She designed and made for the bride a spectacularly beautiful, sleek and stylish dress that will be completely overshadowed in the photos by the abominations the bridesmaids are wearing.) The hope is that they can convince the bride – who did at least say multiple times to the niece that the finished dress didn’t match her vision – to allow all of them to get a dress from Lulu’s and save the day, or at least the photos.

    I would not have known about Lulu’s but for this hive, and this has given me one more reason to appreciate this s*te and all of you.

    1. Oh my goodness, forest green + peach satin + blue calico? Good Lord. (I love a ghastly-bridesmaid-dress tale.)

      BHLDN is also good if the bride doesn’t like any of the Lulu’s options!

    2. I bought my wedding dress from Lulu’s and was pleasantly surprised at the quality! (Low, key beach wedding with no guests so Lulu’s fit the bill.) I also recently ordered their Dorthea slide which is an excellent dupe for the Loeffler Randall slides that are out of my budget.

    3. My shoulders rose closer to my ears with every adjective I read. Good god. Best wishes for the rebellion.

    4. Maybe some details are missing but it sounds really mean for the bridesmaids to all tell the bride they dislike a dress she designed herself. If I were the bride I would feel super hurt and ganged up on. Isn’t it a bridesmaid cliche to wear a hideous dress and laugh about it later? Idk to me the point is to be there for your friend, not to wear an amazing dress. I don’t think wearing a dress of the bride’s choosing is an unreasonable request and it’s not like anyone but the bride looks at the pictures after the fact anyways.

      1. yeah, I agree with the mission here, but would suggest not framing it as ‘good god can’t you tell what you made is awful!’ and more… hey, the bride usually doesn’t have the bandwidth to sew bridesmaid dresses from scratch, wouldn’t it be easier if we could just pick our dresses from this collection?

      2. Eh there’s hideous and then there’s so hideous it circulates on the internet for a decade. This sounds like the latter. If it is, the wedding is going to end up being about the hideous dresses, not the bride and groom.

        1. Honestly, it’s so bad that I think that’s where it is going. When I saw it, I gasped; our office manager happened to come in when my colleague and I were looking at the picture and when she saw it she actually seemed to turn pale

      3. No, no, the bride didn’t make the dresses – she chose the pattern and fabrics, and a tailor made the dresses. Her MOH and lifelong best friend is the designer who made the gorgeous wedding dress and who is now trying (gently) to get things changed. The bride did seem to understand that the dress was not good, after repeatedly telling the niece that it was not what she had envisioned. And if the bride isn’t dissuaded, all of the bridesmaids will just do their job, smile and try to get through the day in the hideous dresses. Hopefully it won’t come to that.

        1. ohhh, I didn’t realize that. Still. “Bride, it sounded like you weren’t happy with how the dresses are turning out. What if we do something else? Bridesmaid found a great alternative at Lulu’s if you’d like to consider that.”

          2. +1. And if bride says no, full steam ahead with the peach satin sister wife nonsense, the bridesmaids grin and bear it.

        2. Sincerely I would very much like to know what it is she envisioned…I just can’t make it all fit in my mind.

      4. Yeah this post was crazy to me. Part of being a bridesmaid is wearing a dress you don’t love! I would have been so hurt if my bridesmaids had staged an “intervention.” Also OP is very tenuously connected to this situation (her colleague’s niece is the bridesmaid?) so it seems very weird for her to be involving herself in this situation. I could only see myself getting involved in wedding drama in behalf of a daughter or sister, not a colleague’s sibling’s child!!

        1. I get that, but it’s not quite as weird as it sounds, since I didn’t put in a lot of what I thought was unnecessary detail. (Mostly, the post was to thank people for the Lulu’s recs and describe this hideous dress for everyone’s amusement.)

          My colleague is my law partner and very close friend, I have known her niece and nephew, although not well, for most of their lives. My partner is very close to them (the niece lives with her) and went with the bride for veil shopping the same day the bride and the niece/bridesmaid later went to try on the terrible-horrible-no-good-very-bad dress. The niece was horrified but prepared to wear the dress. She and her aunt did talk about whether there was some graceful way out of it; I mentioned Lulu’s and found some links, and my partner herself forwarded them to her niece. The niece then shared the dress photos with the MOH and other bridesmaids, without commenting at all; they were all equally appalled, and the dress-designer MOH offered to talk with the bride. So my only involvement was sharing with the bridesmaid via her aunt a source for possible alternatives.

      1. That’s what the niece’s friends are all asking her! And she has recently gotten sober, after a significant problem with alcohol abuse, but has enough of a sense of humor to appreciate her friends’ comments along the lines of the jokes from the movie Airplane – she picked a bad time to stop drinking!

    7. I had a hideous dress for my SIL’s wedding in 1989 lol. Peach taffeta drop waist skirt, puffy peach sleeves, and an extended bodice in a white, peach and black print. My husband referred to it as a Halloween costume for years to come (it was actually the groom’s overbearing sister who designed the dresses).

  25. Some people have mentioned losing touch with their own desires/joy ower the years, and I thought this might be interesting reading: https://jumbleandflow.com/2022/07/14/microfreedoms/
    The author writes about microfreedoms and connecting with your own wants and needs, when all to ofteh you have gotten used to everybody else taking priority.

  26. Favorite no-wedgie, not-a-thong underwear? I’m having an undies crisis — my shape has recently changed and I feel like everything is crawling up my @$$. Thongs are a hard no for me and I prefer invisible underwear lines but can live with lines in the name of comfort. Inexpensive is better. TY!

    1. Soma all the way. Even if you don’t go for vanishing edge, I’m wearing their lace-edged boyshorts lately and cannot even tell they’re there. And the sales are frequent and good.

      3. Even if not officially a sale, their 6 for $40 or 7 for $45 type deals are good. I like to get all new undies around New Year’s Day (new undies, new me) and this is the kind of deal I go for. Easy. Done.

        1. Also…. Sometimes the wedgie issues because you’re wearing a size too small. I’d rather wear granny panties than have a cuter, smaller size up my butt all day. Read the reviews and follow the size charts and don’t be a “but I’ve always worn a small!” person (not saying you are!) Vanity sizing is not for underwear, top or bottom.

    2. I’ve been wearing maidenform boy shorts for at least a decade. At least on me, they don’t ride up, rub, or show lines. I bought so many when they were on sale that I haven’t bought them in a few years, though, so guarantee they haven’t changed. I like the ones with lace, but they also sell a cotton version.

      2. The lace Maidenform boy shorts are so so good. I actually got rid of all of my other daily underwear and just have a stack of these now. Love them.

    5. Jockey French cut briefs are my ride or die. 3 packs; I buy then online b/c I like the thicker ones (Targets are a thinner cotton).

  27. I was diagnosed with shingles at urgent care this week. I thought I was having an allergic reaction and I’m in my early 30s so it never crossed my mind that it could be shingles. It’s currently only on my arm and they prescribed me antiviral meds and a cream. I have an appointment with my primary care doctor next week, but do you have any advice in the meantime? Urgent care didn’t tell me much so I’m mostly reading online info. It seems unlikely but I’m worried about it spreading.

    1. Breathe!! The best thing you can do is take the antivirals and rest to let your body recover. My doctor told me to use over-the-counter pain meds to manage the body aches. Signed, got shingles at 32 two weeks into lockdown.

      1. Echoing to rest and recover. I had shingles at 23 the day after I completed a marathon.

    2. So sorry! I got shingles once when I was travelling abroad, at age 34. It’s awful. I took a lot of Advil. But there is nothing you can do but wait it out. Probably best to stay off the internet in the meantime :)

    3. Also in my 30s, had shingles a few months ago. Lots of rest and, when you’re up for it, exercise. It’s usually stress related if you get it this early, so whatever you can do to reduce your stress. My shingles spread for about a week (back to front to arm) and I was really tired for about two weeks, but I’m fine now (though with some slight scarring). You’re only contagious to newborns/people who haven’t had chicken pox, and only while your rash hasn’t scarred over. Feel better soon!

    4. Oh, no! I had it early in the pandemic and it was just awful! The antiviral should kick in pretty quickly. Also see about a course of steroids for the pain and itching. Mine stayed in the same general area so I wouldn’t worry overmuch about spreading, especially since you’re getting treated.

      And yes, rest. Just rest. I feel like mine went on longer than it needed to because I went to work the whole time.

    5. Antivirals and rest. I was kind of hardcore about taking them exactly every 8 hours, but I think that was an emotional response. I took some ibuprofen, especially at night so I could sleep.

      It takes a while for the blisters to go away, so that’s normal. I didn’t have too much pain, mostly it felt like a mild sunburn once I got the antivirals. Mine were on my hip and lower abdomen and it did take a few months for the redness to completely disappear, but it did.

      A year later I sometimes feel an ache in my hip, but it’s no worse than if I took a really long walk. And I’m 54, so age may be playing a role!

      It was scary, not going to lie, but most people, especially young people, will heal up fine.

    6. Yikes, shingles are terrible.

      Late commenting but after you recover you should look into the Shingrix shot. The CDC recommends the Shingrix shot even if you’ve already had shingles (or the old vaccine, which was not very effective). Since you’re a young pup, you might have to pay for it out of pocket but having had shingles maybe your insurance company will have pity on you and or agree that it’s a good preventative. https://www.cdc.gov/vaccines/vpd/shingles/public/shingrix/index.html#:~:text=If%20you%20had%20shingles%20in,gone%20away%20before%20getting%20vaccinated.

  28. Favorite leak proof travel mug? Looking for something I can fill up with tea/coffee at home, then toss in my backpack for my commute which involves about 30 min of walking. Don’t care too much about keeping hot/cold.

    Also! There was a specific brand of sweater comb ppl have recommending here for removing pilling- can someone let me know what it is?

    1. The cup I’ve ever had that was truly leak proof has been my Yeti tumbler with its plastic lid. I wouldn’t have bought it for myself (it was a gift), but I love it more for being able to throw it in my work bag than I care about its ability to keep things cold.

    4. Thermos brand commuter or zojirushi travel mug, IMO. I’ve used both for around 15 years- never leak. 2 of the thermos brand ones broke on me, but after lots and lots of use where I felt I got my money’s worth.

    5. The Laundress has both a sweater comb and a sweater stone. I personally prefer the stone – signed, a knitter.

      1. Yes. We have two contigo travel mugs and they are indestructible and really can be thrown into a bag and jostled about with no leak. The drink in it stays warm for hours, too, if you keep it closed.

  29. Paging Shots!Shots!Shots!

    An executive (in higher ed), with 12 direct reports, just told me: “I am not good at keeping staff on track/holding staff accountable/creating workflows so I discussed with big boss and we are transferring one underperforming staff person to your team. You’re good at that stuff. The staff person has only been doing about 10 hours of work a week for the last year or so.” I asked more questions and learned the executive has never done performance reviews, has no idea what the staff person has been doing when working remotely, nor provided any professional development opportunities.

    On top of this, I am recovering from hand injury and dealing with cyst/folliculitis/pimple on my scalp.

    Thank you for letting me vent.

    1. OMFG make sure you buy a Powerball ticket on your way home tonight. Maybe that will get you out of this jam.

    2. Lol I have coworkers like that. They’re actually fine, they just never really had much work to do and have become accustomed to it. Other people would invent their own work and projects but there was no requirement or direction to do that, so not everyone did.
      The solution was to just give them work. Hope it’s that easy for you.

    3. “I am the one they call when things go wrong. And things have indeed gone wrong.” – Cobra Bubbles, Lilo and Stitch…. And also, apparently, you.

  30. Does anyone have a friend who is constantly lamenting what she doesn’t have but also won’t do anything to get those things? In her case it’s employer provided healthcare as opposed to buying her own and any kind of retirement plan or pension. There’s constant comparison with our friend group all of which has employer healthcare, a 401k, and a few have pensions due to stints in government.

    Friend group all started in biglaw, nearly all have moved on mostly in house or government or regional firms. Friend left biglaw early on to go to a non profit which provided her good healthcare and retirement, but then left there to work for various solo lawyers who do not provide any benefits at all and now works part time so salary is lower but obviously buying her health insurance isn’t any cheaper.

    I feel bad because she had rough bout of covid in March 2020 when there was like no care available in NYC, followed by long covid. While some of the long covid has resolved, I don’t think all of it has which is why she went part time. Plus she has an 85 year old dad who is healthy and with it but always goes to his doctors appointments etc. and did so even 5 years ago even though he says he doesn’t need her, so flexibility is key. I don’t judge any of that because life happens. But she had left her job with benefits to go to solo practice work with no benefits well before the pandemic and was prioritizing dad’s appointments even then.

    Yet at the same times it’s a very frequent – can’t believe so and so has a pension, it’s unfair that we all don’t. Can’t believe so and so gets an 8% match, unfair. Yet she won’t acknowledge that that person with the 8% is hustling in a job she doesn’t necessarily love. Yet you so much as mention, well why don’t you consider a government job for at least a few years for the pension, and you get oh nooo I’d never do things I don’t love just for money, I’d never deal with that bureaucracy. It’s slowly driving me insane. I try to stay quiet because there is a sizeable financial difference between us but IDK that I want to hear all the time that everything I have is a stroke of luck and not prioritizing certain things over others – like taking imperfect jobs for money.

    2. It sounds like she’s going through a lot and projecting her own insecurities. It’s probably really hard to not have the security that you guys have, and she it sounds like she doesn’t feel able to get out of the situation she’s in. Personally, I’d just try to have compassion and let it go. If she brings up so-and-so’s salary, just say, “Yeah, I guess it’s the payoff of the compromises she’s making to be in that role,” in order to remind her it’s earned.

      But other than that, you gotta accept people as they are and where they’re at. If it’s too exhausting, limit the time you spend with her. If you do want to keep her in your life, just let it go and have compassion for the stress she’s probably under.

    4. I have a friend like this. For her, it’s a mix of insecurity in that she’s not making as much as her peers and superiority because she’s not a “sell-out.” It’s truly exhausting, especially being one of the “sell-outs” and constantly having to defend or ignore pointed jabs or whining. I can’t stress enough how much violence her attitude has done to our friendship, which is still limping along only because we have been friends for 30 years.

      I have no advice other than you may want to evaluate whether you want to remain friends, if her comparing and complaining is as frequent as it sounds.

    5. It’s okay to say something about not wanting to talk about this! She can save it for a therapist.

      I would bet a lot that “I’d never do things I don’t love just for money” and “I’d never deal with that bureaucracy” is fear and sour grapes talking, if she still has some long COVID going on and can only handle part time work.

      1. Sounds like the comments have been going on for a number of years before covid too though. Sour grapes can be an issue even without a health issue. I’d give a huge pass on long covid as that is so hard. But I definitely knew people including a few in my circle who left biglaw early to go do what they loved like non profits, they clearly gave up a lot of money and some ended up in toxic workplaces but they always had this “superiority” of at least we aren’t in biglaw doing doc review non stop, we’re making a difference.

        Well most of us didn’t stay in biglaw and as we moved on to jobs that are more reasonable in hours and work but still pay pretty well, that’s when the sour grapes started. One person made an immediate switch when he realized in house may be better for him. Two others stayed in the non profit space far too long just making comments and reality is now their resumes are more entrenched in that space to where getting an in house or regional firm job or state securities regulator would be really hard and they know it – so they make more comments. I don’t think this is that unusual. While some of my friend group deals with these people, I’ve definitely backed off because in the limited time I get with friends, I really don’t want to hear pointed comments about how awful I am for prioritizing paying my mortgage and having retirement savings.

    6. Haha I’m a solo practitioner and I do sometimes get internally jealous of those things but I remind myself that I’ve lived that life and chosen what I’m doing now specifically for the freedom. Maybe you need to point out to your friend that you get envious of her flexibility and her freedom to only work on projects of her choosing (which is huge for me.)

      1. Think it’s different when you own the firm versus working for a solo practitioner. Lots of solos in my city hire people on a contract basis, so they don’t have enough going on and you aren’t getting paid for the rest of the week. That’s on top of no or minimal benefits.

    7. It’s irritating to listen to someone endlessly complain about something, even if the complaints are legitimate. I’d recommend asking if there is something you can do to help. Point out to her that she says the same thing a lot and if she’s looking for another job you’re happy to help as much as you can but if she’s just complaining as conversation then she needs to turn the record over.

    8. She left corporate work behind 5-10 years ago and now doesn’t have a stable situation at least benefits wise and in her heart of hearts knows that in law it’s impossible to get back into corporate work if you haven’t done it in a decade. This is all insecurity and projection.

    9. “I’d never do things I don’t love just for money” is perfectly reasonable when you are already rich. It is nonsense otherwise.

  31. Can anyone here recommend a lawyer or firm in Santa Fe, NM that deals with estates, real estate, and possibly guardianship? I have some connections in Albuquerque, but more local is probably better in the current situation.

    DH’s father died suddenly a few months ago, and now his widow (DH’s stepmother) is in failing health and showing signs of dementia. They did no estate planning, and she is currently living alone in a remote area outside of town. DH and I have financial POA, but not medical.

    Thanks in advance!

  32. Suggestions of budget items to eliminate/trim? I’m returning to grad school and taking a job in the interim that is half of what I currently earn. Have already dropped the Y for Planet Fitness, eliminated streaming services (mostly), quit eating out etc. and have tried to fulfill shipping urge with thrift/consignment stores.

    1. If you eat meat, cut back (or stop altogether). Going meat-free is a big cost-saver!

    2. Meal planning. It save so much money to use a site like budgetbytes and do one tailored shop versus wandering around Trader Joe’s or the grocery store and impulse buying. Develop a stable of recipes that are easy, fast, wholesome and can be reheated. This was the single biggest budget helper when I was in grad school.

      Travel–plan any necessary travel (holidays) waaaaaaay in advance so you get cheaper prices.

      Separately, stock up on things you know you’ll need now, while you have the income–these are things like undies, socks, t-shirts, warm winter coat (if you need one where you’re going), etc. Then your student budget can really be for living not moving and adjusting etc.

      Tell yourself that grad school is not forever and you have a shopping ban, except for necessities from basic stores like OldNavy. No more shopping unless you absolutely need an item (not just want an item).

    3. I find it easier to cut out rather than cut down shopping. Spend a day shopping your closet, put together a list of potential outfits, including new combos, and just work with that. In my life shopping is almost always a want vs need.

      Agree that meal planning often goes a long way.

      Also, keep a few easy delicious food options in your freezer for when you need a break from your meal plan. If I have my favorite brand of frozen pizza around, I will eat that instead of takeout when my meal planned meal isn’t cutting it.

  33. Yes. We have two contigo travel mugs and they are indestructible and really can be thrown into a bag and jostled about with no leak. The drink in it stays warm for hours, too, if you keep it closed.

Comments are closed.