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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
The print on this cap-sleeve blouse from Halogen is perfect for this awkward summer-to-fall transition period. September is awkward because, mentally, I’m ready for sweaters, boots, and tights, but the thermometer doesn’t always agree.
This blouse is light and breezy, but the black-and-white print will transition nicely into fall, layered under a chunky sweater.
The top is $49 at Nordstrom and comes in sizes XXS–XXL. It also comes in nine other colorways — and two of them in sizes 1X–3X, on sale for $34 and up.
Sales of note for 11.5.24
- Nordstrom – Fall sale, up to 50% off!
- Ann Taylor – 11/5 only – 60% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 25% off with your GAP Inc. credit card
- Bloomingdales is offering gift cards ($20-$1200) when you spend between $100-$4000+. The promotion ends 11/10, and the gift cards expire 12/24.
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Fall clearance event, up to 85% off
- J.Crew – 40% off fall favorites; prices as marked
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Up to 30% off on new arrivals
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Buy one, get one – 50% off everything!
- White House Black Market – Holiday style event, take 25% off your entire purchase
Sales of note for 11.5.24
- Nordstrom – Fall sale, up to 50% off!
- Ann Taylor – 11/5 only – 60% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 25% off with your GAP Inc. credit card
- Bloomingdales is offering gift cards ($20-$1200) when you spend between $100-$4000+. The promotion ends 11/10, and the gift cards expire 12/24.
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Fall clearance event, up to 85% off
- J.Crew – 40% off fall favorites; prices as marked
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Up to 30% off on new arrivals
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Buy one, get one – 50% off everything!
- White House Black Market – Holiday style event, take 25% off your entire purchase
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Ribena
Posted earlier this week that I was waiting for a Covid test result – it came back last night and was negative! Genuinely astounded by this, the vax did its work clearly.
Ellen
Fruegal Fridays! YAY! And Ribena, Yay for you and hopefully you will stay negative! I have learned to stay negative by staying away from people who will not reveal their vaxxination status, or those that appear visibly ill. Beyond that, it is not possible to stay healthy by looking alone. Myrna caught the virus and she does not even have a boyfreind, and she is careful to avoid intimate contact with any men since COVID started. She says she must talk to people at work and some of the vaccinated do NOT wear masks even tho they are indoors, which is bad and against the advice of the CDC.
My building’s basement got alot of water in it, and they said I had to come down to pull out the stuff from my storage locker that I wanted to save. They have insurance, so it should be OK, but I did loose some of my college term papers and other records, and about 12 pairs of shoes I was not wearing because they were winter shoes. Now I will need to buy new ones. FOOEY!
Anon
Anecdotally the vax still seems to work great for casual exposures. The only people I know who got breakthrough infections had Covid in their households. But everyone I know who had Covid in their households got infected, vax or no.
Anon
I know people who got break their infections and have no idea how they got it. No eating indoors, limited trips to stores, and always wore masked when in public places indoor.
anonshmanon
It’s more than anecdotally though, many counties post the daily no of cases split by vaccine status. In my area, the majority of the population is vaxxed, but the majority of new cases is in unvaxxed people. The chance to catch it is lower if you are vaxxed.
Anon
I meant the statement about where breakthrough cases are coming from was anecdotal.
LaurenB
Can we PLEASE say where one is located? Context is critical!
Anon
Pretty much every US state has announced the vast majority (>90%) of cases are in the unvaccinated. https://www.vox.com/22602039/breakthrough-cases-covid-19-delta-variant-masks-vaccines
Anon
I do not believe for a minute that 90% of cases are in the unvaccinated.
The states don’t know who is testing positive on rapid tests; that doesn’t get reported to anybody.
Not every state is tracking breakthrough infections that don’t lead to hospitalization.
Anon
Anon at 11:49, you can be in denial all you want about tests but one thing that seems certain is that the vast majority (in our state it’s over 95%) of hospitalizations are in the unvaccinated. If vaxed people are testing positive, their symptoms are so mild they don’t end up in the hospital, which is what the goal of getting vaccinated was. If I were not vaccinated I would be scared right now; there are stories in the news of people losing multiple family members within a couple of weeks, people losing spouses that are in their 30s and 40s, children dying, etc. You don’t see many of those stories where the people involved were vaccinated.
Anon
I agree that the states aren’t keeping good enough records about the *outcomes* of breakthrough infections unless they result in hospitalization (long covid matters!), but I’m not sure I agree that they’re missing a huge number of vaccinated breakthrough cases. Most people who do an at-home test confirm with a test at a doctor’s office or pharmacy. Even if they don’t, there’s no reason to think the people whose tests are being missed are disproportionately vaccinated. Rapid tests at Walgreens and CVS are definitely reported to the state and the pharmacies collect and report data about what vaccine the person being tested had. Doctors offices also report vaccination status with their test results. Source: close friend in our state’s health department.
For what it’s worth, an astounding 40% of my state’s cases are currently in people 18 and under, an age group in which the vast majority of people are unvaccinated (zero kids under 12 and very few teens in my state are vaccinated). So that means adult cases can have more breakthroughs than the overall numbers suggest. The fact that so many cases are in the age group with the lowest level of vaccination (and similarly, that the most well-vaccinated group of 65+ has almost no cases) is also further evidence the vaccines are working to prevent infection, not just hospitalization.
Ribena
Not sure mine was a casual exposure – although there will have been some of those too. I went out with a new man on Sunday night and we didn’t stay six feet away from each other at all – and he got a positive rapid test on Wednesday. He’s double vaxxed and thinks he got it on Friday night.
Anon
Ah I see. Sounds like he probably wasn’t infectious when you saw him. In the US this wouldn’t even qualify as exposure. It has to be within 48 hours of the positive test or symptom onset to qualify, but we have way worse contact tracing than you do.
Anonymous
I know a group of six single vaxxed friends who went out to dinner and drinks and all tested positive after (four had symptoms and two of the four were really sick for a couple of weeks). So while it’s nice to think breakthroughs only happen within households, it’s certainly not the case.
Anonymous
I am in a funk. I posted earlier about how I am supposed to be going to Hawaii next week and now I’m not sure if it’s going to happen. I need some plans for this weekend so I have something to look forward to. Vaccination rates are low and transmission is high in my area so I’ve been staying away from indoor activities. My energy is also extremely low but I know I need to get out of the house. Would love some inspiration.
anon
Maybe a walk through a pretty park? Nothing strenuous, but enough to get some endorphins working. Would you be comfortable getting a fancy coffee and drinking it outdoors?
Allie
Double mask with a disposable surgical mask and a KN95 and do some stuff indoors (shopping?)?
Ses
I often make coffee at home and bring it in a travel mug or thermos to some scenic spot. Maybe a baked treat too, since it’s the weekend :)
Also if there are any sports you normally fit around your schedule, could you do a longer version of them? (Half day bike ride, walk, or boat to a destination, with packed lunch or takeout when you arrive…)
Plan an evening of music with a steamed or recorded concert?
Buy a new book or film.
Sorry about your travel plan trouble, hope it works out.
PolyD
Walk around a pretty part of town you don’t normally go to. Find a place to get a fancy coffee – if they have online ordering, you can order ahead of time and just go in quickly to pick it up. I am obsessed with iced lattes lately, because that’s not something I make at home.
If it feels safe, run into Target and get a bunch of magazines. Or buy that book you’ve been wanting. Or, buy the Kindle book you’ve been wanting if you don’t want to go into a store. Get take out from a favorite restaurant.
Anon
So, I am the only person in my 3/4th vaxxed household with a valid passport. I would love to travel, but I’ve never had $ and time at the same time (COVID has made it so I could WFH anywhere, at least last year when the kids were on zoom school, now they are back). I have gone around my Top-25 US city to various restaurants for takeout. They are usually small mom & pop places run by first- or second-generation immigrants. I have had a good time doing this, not as great of a time as if I had travelled to these spots (which I likely couldn’t have anyway), but it’s a nice human connection and I’ve learned a bit. Ghana, Vietnam, Serbia, Croatia, Peru, Korea, Iran, Italy, India, Germany, Ethiopia, etc., etc. So maybe something like that? We have a Hawaiian restaurant with poke options for lunch takeout only, so that is one thing I like about being back in the office at the moment — it is on the same block as the poke restaurant.
PolyD
That’s a really nice idea.
No Face
Any outdoor concerts or events? Botanical gardens? Reading a book somewhere pretty?
I recently went to the art museum about an hour and a half before it closed on a weekday, fully masked. There was basically no one there, and it was wonderful.
pugsnbourbon
+1 to the art museum. I did something similar – late-day visit on a weekday. It was great. Going to art museums by myself is my favorite thing.
Anonymous
Agree with the museum, especially if it’s a smaller one (less popular). I’ve been going to my local contemporary art museum right when it opens on Sunday. I usually have the museum almost entirely to myself for the first 45 min or so. They also have timed tickets, so even when the next wave of ticket holders arrives, it’s still relatively empty.
Or what about an outdoor sculpture garden?
Senior Attorney
Yes! I just made a (free) reservation to visit a newish local art museum on my birthday in a couple of weeks and I am chuffed!
Anon
What’s the museum? I’d love to add another one to my roster.
Anon
Plan to go to Hawaii – I agreed with all the posters who said you should still go. Spend the time packing and making sure you’re ready!
Anon
Didn’t the governor of Hawaii ask people not to come?
Anon
I was supposed to be headed up to South Lake Tahoe today! I feel your funk. Ugh.
anon
DH is two weeks out of knee surgery. Recovery has been a roller coaster. You all have been so amazingly helpful (I wrote in asking about what to expect a few weeks ago). Right now, I am looking into buying a wedge pillow to keep his leg elevated at night and whenever he is not icing. Any recommendations?
DeepSouth
Get a 2×6 board cut the width of your mattress — place that between your mattress/box spring. I didn’t really feel it at all while sleeping, but that constant bit of elevation really helped my swelling. Also, drink more water. so much more water. It helps with bone pain and with swelling.
#ibrokemylegin11placesinabouncycastle
Notinstafamous
I have nothing useful to add but I would quite like to know how you managed to break your leg in a bouncy castle.
Anonymous
Oh I think I remember your post! Wasn’t that the infamous suggestion to cut off a pant leg that everyone railed against?
Formerly Lilly
I don’t have advice as to a particular product because I just put one pillow directly under my knee and made a stack of two pillows the other side of that, then three pillows at my feet. Did some smushing and arranging until it was short enough in length for me and a fairly smooth transition from the base to the top. From one scope surgery and two knee replacements – the higher he can get that thing while he sleeps the less swelling and pain he will have. Also, doing legs up the wall periodically during the day is good. On his back on the floor, rear scooted up nearly to the wall, legs vertical up the wall, ear buds for music or a podcast, for 15-20 minutes.
Anon
Late to it but a great purchase was adjustable bed from amazon about 1200 delivered in 2 days.
Anon
This is a vent and asking for advice. I had a good friend, let’s call her Jane, that I’ve known for about 8 years. Over the last year I not only made a lot of changes in my life (therapist, stopped drinking, started taking care of myself mentally and emotionally) but there has obviously been a lot that has happened between the pandemic, politics, etc. As a result of both of these processes, Jane and I have very clearly grown apart – well, at least from my side, I do not enjoy being around Jane and even getting a text message from her stresses me out because I don’t feel I can be honest about not wanting to be in touch. We have a group of mutual friends, and Jane will continue to be in my life as a result. I’d like to figure out how to best stay ‘friendly’ with Jane without the ‘stuff’ bothering me so much.
What’s bothering me:
-Jane & I were both close contacts of a person who got Covid; I quarantined, Jane didn’t (and took public transit, and invited me to a party?! during quarantine)
-In relation to all the attacks on Jewish people in the US; Jane revealed a story of deep anti-semitism in her family, but in a kind of ‘isn’t grandad funny’ way not in a ‘jfc can you believe it’ way
-Jane was long term single and sad about it until recently. I am two years single and GLAD about it. Jane constantly asks me when I will start dating, acts like there must be something wrong with me that I’m not interested in dating, given my age. I
– Jane in general just doesn’t seem to like being alone, or understand that some people are perfectly happy alone. ‘m doing something special for a milestone coming up and Jane was like “oh! who are you going with? someone special?”. I feel kind of shamed for it??
-Jane talks behind all of our mutual friend’s backs and even says quite insulting things – about people’s qualifications, their relationship choices, etc.
-Jane constantly talks about how busy and overwhelmed she is at work, name drops external partners and events; I get the impression she thinks her work is far more senior to everyone else’s
I know I will see Jane lots next week because the friend group is doing a weekend away at a lake and I’m just dreading it.
Welcome any thoughts, I know something here is not clicking *for me* and I need to figure out how to adjust myself to be less bothered
Brunette Elle Woods
I’m not sure what advice you want. It sounds like you’re just venting which is fine. I will say, as a Jew, any anti-semitism is horrifying and is totally cut her off when not in group settings. She sounds awful. I wonder if others in this group notice. I’d be on the lookout for hints that others are frustrated with her and make plans with those friends going forward because you know they will avoid Jane as well and not suggest inviting her to low key outings. Hope you can avoid her and enjoy your weekend!
Anon
Not Jewish but lost family in ww2 who hid Jews and have been engaged to a Jewish gentleman once: no matter who you are, antisemitism is not acceptable.
Anon
You aren’t going to be able to stay friendly with her and also protect your boundaries and mental health. You may, however, be able to be in the same circles and be respectful, but I am not convinved Jane will play along with this game.
If you must see heras part of tyour friend group,accept Jane is who she is and let it go. You can’t change her behavior, or her opinions, or her approach to all of the things you listed above. What you can change, is how you react to it and you can also try to manage your emotions. Who cares if Jane doesn’t think people should be single and happy? She’s not doing this at you – she is unhappy with her own life. Who cares if Jane thinks her work is more superior to others’ work? It doesn’t matter what Jane thinks. You get to decide whether you care about these things. Time to not care. People who are not good people don’t get to take up brain space and energy in my life. Stopping giving these things to Jane in yours.
Anonymous
I think you can and should be direct with Jane! “It upsets me you are putting people at risk and not quarantining.” “Wow that’s horrific.” “Actually I’m very happy.”
Anon
Obviously, people like this are throwing their insecurities on everyone else, and that is MASSIVELY uncomfortable. Knowing that, act accordingly. Have stock sentences at the ready for the backstabbing gossip about friends. She insults someone’s qualifications? Talk theirs up in a “how do you not know this?” tone. Get a shocked look, laugh, and ask how she could not know what a rock star Pamela is.
If you are really sick of it, understand that Jane is giving you a road map to everything that bothers her about her own life and use that to just stick it to her. A whole lot of, “That’s a little rich, coming from you” does the trick.
Anonymous
She sounds awful. Most people will not notice the kinds of comments you’re pointing out – those little things that get under your skin because you know the motivation behind it. So often, someone like Jane says something offensive, the targeted person will make an understandably negative comment, Jane will act all innocent, and then everyone thinks the target is the bad guy. Unless she says something objectively offensive, ignore it. Pretend you don’t know the context. Kill it with kindness. Your goal is to maintain your friendships with the rest of the group not with her, don’t let her bait you into making yourself look bad.
Anonymous
You need to start speaking up more–the COVID situation, the grandfather anecdote or the gossiping about friends are all situations where you should say something in the moment. She’ll know to back off more and where there are boundaries. As uncomfortable as conflict may be, this will set up for a better future since you’re in the same circles. It’s like establishing ground rules. I’d think through some scripting of what you’ll do if something similar comes up again. Sometimes practicing phrases like “Wow! I don’t feel that way at all because X and Y” or “I don’t think it’s right to ever treat someone X” in advance can make it easier to find your words in the moment, With the single talk and job talk, it sounds like maybe you have some insecurity there. If you’re truly not bothered, you wouldn’t even notice or care. I’d reflect on that a bit and come armed with some strategies (I’ll walk away, I’ll suggest transitioning talk to something more fun than work, etc.) I’d also try to avoid as much direct contact as you can. I have folks in my circles where I try to never sit near them at a function or always try to have someone else around for a buffer. It’s the reality. If you dodge and weave people enough they get the point that you’re not close.
Anon
Yeah it’s a fair comment that I need to reflect on why it’s bothering me so much. I guess somewhere in here it’s a broader frustration that even though I’m happy just living my life, the world is still quite harsh on single middle-aged women (can she not get a man because she’s just not good enough? How can she possibly be happy without a faaaamily stuff), and that same thing coming from people who know me cuts a little deeper.
Anon
Registering disagreement with Anonymous at 10:46. You can be happy with something in your life and still find it upsetting or hurtful that someone launches in to attack it.
What I find to be disconcerting and upsetting is the amount of emotional energy some people put into taking other people down. There are people out there, and this Jane sounds like one, who invest time and energy into figuring out how to make someone else upset or feel bad about themselves. They are genuinely angry that other people are happy and comfortable with their lives, and want them to be as upset, self-conscious, and beaten down as they are.
Imagine you’re out running and some rando driving by rolls down the window and makes a lewd comment. Not great, but you live. Imagine you’re out running and someone leaps out from behind the bushes, pushes you down, and laughs while showing you the video they’ve been making of you running for the last three miles.
Anonymous
Mute her texts. Don’t respond to direct contact. Don’t even look at them. If you “have” to see her as part of a group, memorize those replies others have suggested and try to not be alone with her/move off for some reason–go to the rest room, make a call, talk to someone else, and so forth.
Anonymous
My boyfriend of several months and I have the long weekend off and will be together. I think it would be fun to do some kind of creative project together. If I were by myself, I’d think about painting/drawing, learning a new song on my musical instrument, or baking something ambitious.
Other than baking, those seem like relatively solo pursuits. He does not think of himself as creative, but is willing to try new things. Curious about any suggestions for a fun project we might be able to do together this weekend. Thanks!
Anonymous
Make beer? Refinish furniture?
This isn’t really a creative project, but a friend and her BF recently did a mystery picnic date through AmazingCo and they both loved it. It’s like a scavenger hunt for picnic fixings. They don’t offer it in my area but I plan to do one when we both have time to visit one of the cities on their list.
pugsnbourbon
You can jump in with both feet and try to put an Ikea dresser together :)
Anon
So don’t try to repair a fence where you need to dig post holes and deal with concrete. Do not recommend.
Anony
HAHA +100000 yes, don’t ever do that… no matter how long you’ve been together haha
Vicky Austin
Ugh, the words “post hole digger” still make me recoil in fear.
Anon
Plant flower? Pick fruit?
Anon
Going to a you-pick-it orchard or farm and then making something with the produce you pick might be really fun!
Anon
Bang.
Anon
Haha right?!
Anon
I would just go camping. It is creative, not in an artistic sense, but it really makes you stretch your ability to adapt and think outside of your comfort levels and habits.
Abby
DH got a job offer this week and it is everything & more that we have been dreaming of for him, since he started medical school. The only downside..It’s on the other side of the state and I would have to leave my job. His salary is so high that I could not work and our HHI would be 3-4 times what it is now.
I have been so sad ever since we found out because I love my job, my team, my boss, everything about it. This is such a privileged problem to have, so I feel weird sharing with our friends. We are going to be TTC when he eventually starts his job, so I could be a SAHM, but I have come to love how accomplished I feel at my job, and recently, I have been so inspired that I could be really successful within the company. I haven’t told anyone except my parents, and part of me hopes my boss will work out something for me to work remote, but I know that will limit my success in the company.
I really needed to share this with someone, and currently don’t know how to share with my friends IRL without sounding like a brat. I’m so proud of DH, and I know this job is what’s best for us as a family, I just never thought I’d be so sad about a job
NYCer
Can’t you look for a new job in the new city? I know that jobs you love can be hard to come by, but since you the luxury of time, you can afford to be a bit picky and try to find something you really like.
Hazel
If you really love this job, I strongly suggest you approach your boss about a remote option. Maybe working remotely will limit your upward growth for a while, but quitting to be a SAMH will limit your growth far more!
anon
Yes, this. And you never know how things will work out. If your husband leaves the job for whatever reason, this way you’ll still have your job and perhaps you can return to your current city. Even if working remotely impedes your progress at your current job, you’ll be better positioned to look for a new one if you’re working v. not working while TTC/ being a SAHM.
It does stink to have to leave a job you really like, though. I’m sorry for that.
Anon
THIS. Preach. So many people look at being a SAHM as if you can bounce right back into the workforce at the same level you left it. For some people, that may be true; many others do permanent damage to their careers. Even if you get back in at the same level, it may be at a completely dysfunctional company (by the math, high turnover positions hire a lot more people for the same job than do low turnover positions).
Anon
After 1.5 years of likely working remote quite a bit, I’d not feel uncomfortable asking to just make it permanent, maybe with some return visits once COVID normalizes or goes away. At most, it gives you something to do as you maybe figure out if better local options exist (but no pressure — I know someone who is 7+ years into this working 8 hours away from her “office”). You have nothing to lose by asking!
No, just no, to regularly commuting. If people in my city won’t go into the office, no reason for you to make heroic efforts to do the same, especially if you are TTC.
Abby
I’m definitely going to ask! I think I am going to wait until next spring? Because DH won’t start until next July for whatever job he takes. But in normal times we would be meeting with clients face to face all day. I’m 100% joking but if COVID continues to keep all meetings virtual, I would benefit.
Anon
Definitely don’t tell them now. I’d wait until about a month or so before your expected departure. It shouldn’t take them that long to figure out if you can work remotely, and if they say no there will just be hard feelings or one or both of your parts that might make your job really awkward unpleasant for months. Ask me how I know :)
Senior Attorney
THIS!! Don’t leave before you leave!
Anonymous
I guess it depends how far away it is, but lots of people have long commutes. You could make it work with a combination of remote and in person work. I have a client who commutes across time zones. I personally commute 5 hours each way. It’s a little challenging to schedule around TTC but it’s doable. We have homes in both locations and I bounce back and forth according to our work and social schedules.
Abby
I definitely have thought about this. Do you have children? I think I could handle it now, but DH’s job will also have no flexibility to run out during the day if something happens.
Anon
A couple people on the moms s1te have made arrangements like this work but I can say with certainty this kind of arrangement would not work for our family, even with one relatively easy kid. I don’t enjoy parenting solo and didn’t sign up to do it on a regular basis. And you’ll really need a local parent who can pick a kid up at daycare when they’re ill or whatever, so if your DH does not have flexibility to do that, that’s an additional why this wouldn’t work once you have kids.
But you can cross that bridge when you have an actual human child. It’s 9 months of pregnancy + however long it takes you conceive, which could be years, away. So if you think this arrangement would work for you now, I would try it and then when you actually have a kid you can reassess. Gently, I think you’re putting the cart before the horse on the mom stuff. I understand that it’s easy to get excited when you finally have a timeline for TTC and I did the same thing when I moved for my spouse’s job so I empathize, but in hindsight I wish I had made decisions based on the here and now and not based on my hypothetical future family (and I conceived quickly when we tried, fwiw).
Anon
It sounds like her husband is going to be earning a half million dollars a year, which, in any city but maybe San Fran, enables them to hire a LOT of help.
Abby
Your second paragraph is spot on. I know I’m thinking way far in advanced (personality flaw lol) I think I’ve been overwhelmed with all these different emotions and can’t stop spiral thinking into the future. Thanks for sharing your input though, it’s given me a lot to think about.
Anon
Yeah, for sure it sounds like they will have a lot of cash, but throwing money at the problem isn’t a replacement for a co-parent. You may also discover that having household help is something you really dislike. We had a nanny briefly and I hated it. I hated having to “manage” an employee in my personal life, I hated sharing my personal space all the time, etc., it just made me really uncomfortable and I couldn’t have predicted that until we had one. I thought I would for sure prefer nanny to daycare and it ended up being the complete opposite. Perhaps with older children it’s easier to outsource in a way that doesn’t require so much parental involvement, but little kids need very hands on care and hiring help generally involves someone spending a ton of time or even living in your home. I would not sign up for living apart from my spouse with children involved even if I had all the money in the world. But YMMV.
Anonymous
I don’t have kids, it would definitely be harder if we did. I guess my thought is that we have to make the decision that’s right for us now and we can reassess if the situation changes. If I get pg while he’s still far away, I’m planning to be with him FT during the last half or so of my pregnancy. After mat leave, I could probably stay remote for a while until the baby is weaned, then we would need a nanny (or two) who could pitch in while I’m there as well as while I’m away. I don’t really see the situation as much different than people who travel often for work, it’s tough but people make it work.
Anon
First off, congrats to you and your husband! This is an accomplishment for the both of you, since you were a big part of this journey.
That said, as the spouse of a surgeon with absolutely no flexibility who is also working his dream job, I can absolutely relate but do not recommend this (combo of remote and in person commuting a long distance) if you will have children. We have one child and I am single parent 85% of the week. I do all doctor’s appointments, Rx pickups, etc etc etc. Before I had a child, I did not think it’d be a big deal for me to be the one waking up a child, wrangling him in the morning, taking him to daycare, driving home, cleaning up the kitchen from breakfast, then logging in time at work, preparing dinner, picking him up from daycare, playing with him, feeding him, doing bath time…but it is. He operates twice a week and that means I am on night duty alone for those two nights because…who wants a surgeon operating on them who has been up all night dealing with a teething baby? Thankfully I have a very very flexible (currently WFH) job that allows for this but it is still really really really hard.
I would try to negotiate some sort of remote working option until you can find something closer to your new city unless you can be remote forever.
Abby
Thank you so much!! I am so proud of him, he has worked so hard to get to this point and I can’t believe it’s finally here. I appreciate your advice and will plan on that for now!
Anon
DO NOT DO THIS.
Anon
Yes… If the in-person work is something like “four overnight trips a year” this sounds worth it and is something I’ve seen work out long term. But I think “homes in two locations” isn’t something to opt into unless it actually sounds appealing on some level.
Pep
If I were in your position and knew I’d be TTC, I’d consider going back to school if there was some program that would enhance and broaden my knowledge and would set me up for advancement in a job I might seek at a later date in the new city. I wouldn’t want the stress of starting a new job and being pregnant in that job right away. YMMV.
Anon
I will say, if I could have gone years without my income, I would have retrained to be a nurse anethetist because they have a good balance of $ and lifestyle w/o a million years of training.
BUT my household would have needed me to be working (even a doctor making $$$ likely has $$$$$$ in med school debt and a second income is not insignificant in household finances for the first several years of real work, especially since that is often when people buy a house and have child care expenses (on-the-books nanny = $$$ also).
Anonymous
It’s really really normal to be able to feel two things at once, which you are doing. Happiness and celebration for your husband, and unhappiness about the implications for you. It’s OK to feel both of these, and it doesn’t mean you are a brat. It means you’re normal. You’d be a brat if you ONLY considered yourself and weren’t also happy for him.
Abby
Thank you for this kind comment (:
Anon
I totally relate. I’m an academic spouse and had to move to the middle of nowhere (literally… there are cornfields less than half a mile from our house) for my husband’s job. I couldn’t find a job in my field so I ended up changing careers to something much less prestigious and intellectually challenging. It’s fine but I feel bad about the fact that I don’t use my grad degrees and I earn a tiny fraction of what I did before. My husband earns plenty for us to buy everything we need and most things we want, especially with the crazy low cost of living here, but I still feel sad about not having a real career. The trailing spouse life is hard! This was long before the pandemic though, and remote work was not a thing – maybe your company will be open to letting you work remotely? Or you will at least have more options for new jobs with so many people hiring remote workers?
I would caution against completely staying home unless you really want to be a stay at home mom. The people I know who chose to be SAHMs because they genuinely want to be with their kids 24/7 are happy. The people I know who became stay at home moms by default because of a layoff or a move for a spouse’s job are miserable.
Anon
+1 million to the “only stay home if you really want to stay home” thing, and OP, also please think long-term. My kid is a teenager and some of the moms of his friends who stayed home now want to get back into the workforce, and are finding out it isn’t easy. One of these moms reluctantly stayed home because her husband had a big job with lots of travel and coordinating care became really complex – she now wants to go back to work, but her skills are out of date, and she’s going to have to go back to school or otherwise update her skills to get the kind of job she wants and that will make it worthwhile to work (vs. just working at Trader Joe’s or something).
If you love your job and they love you, any chance they would let you go full-time remote? In a previous job we had a marketing director who had to move for her husband’s job and even though we’d never ever had a full-time remote employee before, we did that for her because we didn’t want to lose her. She kept working remotely for years with that organization even after I left. It’s worth asking, if your job can be done remotely.
Abby
My current job in normal times involves a lot of client meetings, events, and I benefit from being involved in the community. I do think I would be in the same boat as you – eventually having to switch fields and take a severe pay cut. How did you decide what job you wanted to take?
DH and I both grew up with SAHMs and for the longest time that was my plan in the future. Then I got this current job, realized I’m good at it, and could see myself doing it for the rest of my life. Thanks so much for sharing your experience, it’s really encouraging for me to think I’ll find a different job and be happy.
anon
Could you manage either a partial remote arrangement at work or a consolidated 4 x 10 schedule so that you are only working in-office four days a week or less? Then rent a small apartment for overnight stays during Monday through Thursday.
Ses
Money isn’t everything. You’re hardly a brat, which is what we call children, not adult professionals struggling with the possible end of a job where they are happy and successful!
I think raising the WFH idea is a good one, and potentially could you work in the office a couple days a month or quarter to keep up with relationships? (It heavily depends on the size of your “cross-state”. )
Anonymous
Your options are not “job you currently have” or “become a housewife”. (You aren’t even pregnant so you wouldn’t be a SAHM). Absolutely ask to be remote, potentially visit your office from time to time. And don’t just fluff your hands and stumble into being unemployed! Network. Try to find a new job.
No Face
Ding ding ding!
If want to stay at home when you actually have kids, do it! If you want to maintain your career after you have kids, do it! But there is no need even really think about that now, because you don’t have kids. It is very hard to predict whether you actually want to stay at home before you have kids – it is a harder job than people think or you may feel the need to stay at home more than you think.
The only career decision you are making now is whether you want to work remotely for your current job, or find a new job in your new city. That’s it. If you are good at this job, you can also be good at other jobs.
Aunt Jamesina
Don’t be a SAHM if it’s not what you want to do! And TTC can definitely take longer than anticipated (and not to be negative, but sometimes it just doesn’t work at all…), so certainly don’t avoid getting a new job because of it. Even if you were to get pregnant really soon, you’d have nearly a year before a baby. I would ask about remote options if possible, and start job hunting if not. The nice thing is that his income gives you flexibility and takes some of the job hunting pressure off. Take advantage of it!
Anon
Why are you only considering this one offer rather than other options on the table for him? My husband is also a (very-specialized, i.e. niche and few employment opportunities) doctor and we have and will continue to choose less prestigious and lower paid jobs for him so that my career is not crushed in the process. Medicine is so antiquated in expecting people to move to random cities every ~1-5 years based on an algorithm for residency, fellowship, post-fellowship specialized trainings, etc. I take it way too personally, but I also think it is important for my husband’s very senior attendings to hear that actually he cannot consider X option because of his wife’s career. I hope someday him doing this makes it easier for the next couple. So I’m biased, but I’d say to hold your ground. There will be other options for him.
Anon
OMG her work has likely been remote most of the past 1.5 years. Why are we demanding that a couple make things harder on themselves??? And the time for this discussion is not after the offer for the dream job elsewhere has been received.
Abby
DH is willing to take a different offer but besides salary, there are a lot of downsides for these other offers – private equity, no guaranteed partner track, vacation/different locations to commute to/call. We are thoroughly exploring all of the options and the other options all lack his main priorities. I did ask him to search out of state now if we are already considering leaving my job, to see if another city would be better for my career.
Anon at 10:23
That does make sense to expand the geographic options – I hope you’ll find something that’s a better balance for both of you! Good luck.
Emma
Not to be a bummer, but I was in a similar situation (DH got a high paying job, I was going to TTC soon). Well I’m happy I got a new job anyway because I’ve been TTC for ten months now and can think of few things more depressing than sitting around the house waiting for it to happen. Could you get a job in new city?
NYC Girl
+1. Took me 2 years+ to have a baby from starting trying (I was 30 with no known health issues). I second all the recommendations to ask for a remote option and if not, to look for new job in new city. Best thing was having a job I loved during my long TTC journey. Kept me preoccupied, felt like I had a purpose other than TTC/fertility treatments.
Anon
Just want to echo this comment. It took us two years of trying to actually conceive (6 months of which I was on fertility treatment) and I would have gone crazy if I hadn’t been able to lean into my job during that time. I had a busy job with lots of pressure and it was a great distraction from constantly checking myself for pregnancy symptoms that weren’t there. I would have gone bonkers if I had been a housewife during that time with nothing else to think about.
Abby
Thank you all of for this point of view. I didn’t think about how difficult that would be, and you’ve convinced me I need to look for a new job in the city even if it’s not as good as what I currently have. And Emma, I wish you well on your TTC journey!
Anonymous
Start thinking and documenting why you are good at your job. Your strengths might be more transferable than you think.
You could consider meeting with a career coach a couple of times after you have spent a few months documenting your strengths. A good one can see how your top skills are a fit in other jobs, and can help ensure your resume reflects those strengths in the best possible way.
anon
Of course you’re sad, while also being happy and proud! Leaving your friends and your job is hard, and it’s totally ok that you feel sad about that even if you feel that this is the best decision for your family. I’ve done a lot of moving in my life, and grieving the loss of the old life has always been part of things for me. I would encourage you to try to find a new job in your new city (as well as ask to work remotely), and then also really dive into trying to make friends at your new place as soon as you can (and as much as covid allows….): weekly yoga class, swing dancing, church if that’s your thing, etc.
I’m someone who always wanted to be a SAHM, but I would really encourage you to look for a job at this point. It will be nice to have “your” things in the new city – your job, your friends. And then, if you get pregnant and want to be a SAHM, go for it. But in my experience watching lots of friends, it’s best to go into being a SAHM because you really want to do it, not because it’s the default option. Also, in my particular case, it took 10 months to get pregnant (and then I got naturally pregnant with twins:-)!) and I’m really glad I had my job in that time.
Congrats again to both of you! You sound like people who will land on your feet wherever you go!
Abby
Thank you so much! I really appreciate your advice, and definitely will need to jump into making friends. I was fairly surprised I was so sad about my job, I didn’t even think about how sad I am to leave my friends.
Vicky Austin
Oh my gosh! Congratulations to your H first of all. Strongly echo at least seeing if your boss would work with you on remote options. It’s cheaper to keep an employee than hire a new one, and if you’re having successes at work your boss should also realize that you’re valuable and work to keep you. I honestly wouldn’t try to make any decisions right now about being a SAHM – that option will wait for you in a way that negotiating remote work at the job you have now won’t.
anon
You’ve gotten lots of good advice already. My DH is a doc and we now have kids, but before we had kids I moved cities across our very large state for his residency. I spent two years commuting to my old city where once a month I’d fly over for a few days to old office to be in person. It was totally fine – we were both working a lot but enjoyed our careers and had plenty of togetherness despite the trips. I can confidently say that would royally suck now that we have a couple of young kids, but it was a great option at the time when we were childless. I didn’t have to make a career change quickly, we had plenty of togetherness and also enjoyed our time apart. It turned out that we ended up really liking our residency city and stayed, and by that time I decided I switched to a job in new city, but I encourage you to consider the remote/commute avenue even if you think it won’t be forever…it might be a good step along the way. I can’t tell if this is going to be the first post-training job for your DH, but if so keep in mind that many docs don’t stay in their first gig, even if it seems like a dream job. So all the more reason to pause on a big pivot for yourself until you have some time to settle into the new location and his job and confirm the fit. Congrats on the job offer for DH and wishing you peace with your decisions.
Anon
Super late but consider volunteer work. If my husband made the kind of money it sounds like yours will be making I would 100% quit and volunteer full time. Pre-Covid I volunteered in an elementary school and children’s hospital and it was way more fulfilling and meaningful than any job I’ve had. It doesn’t solve the issue of what happens if your marriage ends through death or divorce (although the former situation can be insured against) but it can definitely be a way of finding an identity for yourself outside of housewife or SAHM. It’s also very easy to cut back on volunteer work when your kids are little and go back full time when they’re in school since it doesn’t have the same re-entry barriers a paying job does. When your kids are older you can also combine volunteer work with parenting by helping out in their schools and activities. My mom did that and it meant a lot to me.
Anonymous
Question inspired by a trash TV show. If you’re in your 30s and have been single and dating for a while, is it a red flag if you’ve been on 100 first dates? I was surprised that the cast had such a negative reaction to this. If you’re on apps then 100 first dates doesn’t seem unreasonable to me; I would be more concerned about 100 second dates. When I was dating, a first date was more like an interview for a real date. Sooo many people just want to text endlessly but never meet up, I assume because they’re married/otherwise unavailable, much better to grab a coffee after you’ve exchanged a couple of messages. See if the guy shows. Is he who he says he is. Does he seem reasonably normal/not a serial killer. If it goes ok then you can have a real date – dinner, concert, walk in a park, whatever. I couldn’t tell you how many first dates I had but I wouldn’t be surprised if it was over 100. A lot of guys throw up major red flags on a first date – too handsy, boundary pushing, catfish, obsessed with an ex, rude to the barista/bartender, I could go on. It has nothing to do with me being overly critical or having unreasonable standards. I thought this was pretty normal but maybe I’m an outlier?
Anon
I will have gone on 5 first dates this week by the time it is done (coffee, lunch, dinner – all utilized). I am in my early 40s and there is no way for me to find someone in this tragically shallow dating pool without wading in and getting my feet wet. I honestly have no idea how many first dates I have been on in my life, probably fewer than 100 just because I didn’t start really dating until my 30s and then had a couple of 6 mo – 1 yr relationship blips. 100 seems like a lot, but if it’s someone who hasn’t been in a serious relationship for a length of time, I don’t think it’s out of the realm of possibilities. Dating sucks and the only way to find someone who works for you is to keep trying when another one doesn’t work out.
Anon
100 first dates seems totally normal to me for a 30-something who has been single and dating for years. Not sure what trashy TV show you’re referring to, but a lot of the people on Bachelor-type shows are like 22, and I think someone that young having been on so many first dates would be a little weirder.
OP
It’s married at first sight. The dude in question is 35 and I think the entire cast is in their 30s this season.
Anon
Anecdata: I know a woman who went on dates with 100 different people, all before the advent of dating apps. She had some issues. Her longest relationship in her 30s was with a married man, yet she claimed to want to get married and have kids. She later married a divorced man (“John”), then spent the entire marriage complaining about how she had been John’s “other woman” because John was in the process of a divorce – separate houses, moving its way through the court system – when they started dating. John was very upfront that he was in the process of the divorce (it took two years from filing to final decree); she was seemingly okay with it right until they got married, and then it was all how John had wronged her by making her “the other woman.” (Yes, this is a completely different guy than the married dude.) She had one kid, then five years later, cleared out not just their shared bank account, but his bank account, the day before filing for divorce.
Anon
I don’t consider an initial meeting for coffee, a drink , a walk, to be a date. It is a screening to determine if both people want to get to know each other better by dating. By my measurements, I have had far fewer “first dates” than if one counted every coffee shop meet up where I knew within 10 minutes that I would not be interested in daring this person.
Anon
I don’t think I’m someone who dates that much, but I was largely single between law school and my mid-30s with a few shorter term relationships in that time. I’m fairly confident I’ve had over a 100 first dates, which would be just 10 a year over that time period. Most of those were with people from dating apps, and I knew within 20 mins that there would not be a second date. Based on my friends who were single into her 30s, I don’t think that’s unusual.
London Housing Woes
Hello! Can anyone recommend a real estate agent for a 12 month 1-bed housing in London? I’m relocating and looking at Angel / Marylebone / Bayswater / South Kensington / Finchley Road areas in the ~ GBP 2300 range.
Also, any advice on what the realities of real estate agent fees are like in London, esp after the 2019 Tenant Fees Act? Are the fees just reflected into rent prices?
Thank you in advance!
London (formerly NY) CPA
Not really. There dont seem to be many agents who function like a US-style broker who takes you around to different properties. I found some properties I wanted to view on RightMove and reached out to the various agents myself to set up viewings. I didn’t pay a separate fee for the agent who worked for the landlord.
However, wanted to say I live about 10 min from Angel station and love the area! It’s a different vibe though than Marylebone/Bayswater/South Ken, which I think of as a bit quieter. Angel is a younger area with lots of people in their 20s/early 30s. Lots of restaurants and other small local businesses. Don’t know anything about Finchley Road so can’t speak to that.
Anonymous
My parents leased their London home through Savills UK. It was not in any of the areas you mentioned but it looks like the company covers the map.
MJ
Two things:
If you are moving to London, buy the Junior Leage of London Living in London guide. It’s a lifesaver.
If you want to let a flat, just walk around the neighborhoods where you want to live, and there will be estate agent offices with listings right in the window on the high street of that ‘hood. The letting agents work for sellers and are paid for by sellers–you don’t pay a fee. They will have a lock on all the stuff in the nearby hood of that Tube stop. That’s how you do it in London. Also, most flats let by the week, most are furnished, and it is highly likely you will need to get a UK bank account, as rent is paid by wire debit automatically. (Getting a UK bank account is harder than you think…that may be the gating item.)
Hope that helps!
London (formerly NY) CPA
I’m pretty sure I was required to get a UK bank account to set up the direct debit for my flat. Agree it was a bit of a pain to get a UK bank account, but everyone I know has gotten one successfully within a few days of moving here. I know expats who have had success with Monzo, or you could set up an account with Wise (which I’d probably do if I were to go back and do it again).
anonymous
I saw a post shared on Facebook about a woman in her 20s who had severe reaction to the first Pfizer vaccination. She ended up with blood clots and almost had her leg amputated at the hip. She never had any previous health issues and the doctors concluded all these issues were caused by the vaccine.
For someone to have such a reaction, would there have to be underlying medical conditions? If she didn’t get vaccinated and got covid would she have been one of the critical cases in the ICU?
The person sharing it was using it as a way to explain why some people might be hesitant to get the vaccine. It’s horrible what this woman went through, but at the same time I think it is an extreme scenario. Many people have been vaccinated safely and I don’t really like these fear mongering type of posts.
anonshmanon
Yet you are sharing the fear mongering here.
anonymous
I should have worded my question differently. I’m not a doctor so my question was more about why someone would have such a severe reaction to the vaccination.
Nesprin
The scientific world is trying to figure that out right now.
First- millions of people have been vaccinated. And when you have millions of people doing anything, rare, unusual medical problems arise because you have a lot of people involved. I.e. 1-2 people/1000 have a blood clot each year, so every day, 2 people per million will have a clot just randomly. If say, 10million people have been vaccinated, 600 people will have clots in the following month as random background. There’s a classic problem in medicine that just because thing B happened after thing A, thing B was not necessarily caused by thing A- so there’s some chance that clots happened after vaccination because clots happen all the time and lots of people have been vaccinated.
Now, there’s some evidence that Astrazeneca and Johnson and Johnson vaccine are associated with a extremely rare (hit by lightning rare), weird type of clotting disorder. We don’t know why, and there’s a lot of theories out there about why that could be (i.e. one guess is that some people’s platelets look enough like the spike coated adenovirus used in the vaccine that the immune system reacts to both and causes clots, another is that the spike protein can cause the endothelial cells that line blood vessels to get a bit weird and make clots more likely, another is that the cases of clotting were just freak things). Because people are looking for clots in covid vaccines, any reports of clots in the pfizer and moderna vaccines (which are mRNA based instead of viral vector based), are taken very very seriously and investigated.
So as for why this one woman who’d been vaccinated got a clot? We do not know. That being said, the crop of vaccines currently available is extremely safe and very effective, and covid is extremely not safe.
Anon
“For someone to have such a reaction, would there have to be underlying medical conditions?” No, sometimes it’s just a freak thing with bad luck.
“If she didn’t get vaccinated and got covid would she have been one of the critical cases in the ICU?” Possibly, if she had an underlying clotting issue because the virus causes clotting problems. But not necessarily if it was just bad luck.
This is sad, but statistically the odds of severe illness and death are so much higher with the virus than with the vaccine. Covid the virus causes a lot of clotting problems even in young, otherwise healthy people. Amanda Kloots’ husband’s legs were amputated while he was in the ICU before he passed and I know of someone else who lost a limb but survived.
Anon in Dallas
I have serious clotting issues to the point that I see a hematologist quarterly and discussed the vaccine with him before I received and he had no concerns about me receiving it. He had very serious concerns about me getting C-19
Anon
Not me but one of my friends has been twice hospitalized with clots that traveled to her lungs. She was afraid of the vaccine for that reason, but her doctor said the same to her – the risk of clots from contracting COVID is much higher than the risk of clots from the vaccine.
Anon
I know a family who won’t get a COVID shot “because D’s dad almost died of his reaction to it and was in the hospital and everything.” I don’t believe that the shot CAUSED all of this — D’s dad is 80 and is in average shape for that age and I cannot imagine that this is related except in time (like the hospitals this winter were not full of non-COVID people getting their first shot solely because of getting that first shot). It is not to be discussed at all though and we’ve dropped them from our social circle (we have one non-vaxxed kid and kids are back in school now; they aren’t vaxxed and their one kid old enough to get it isn’t vaxxed either and they are all out traveling and living their best lives in our city).
My 80-something parents are probably in A+ shape for their age and got shots with no issues (ditto all of my older relatives in the first wave of eligibility, who range in health background from D- to A+ through a combo of habits and genetics).
Anon
And a shared post on FB =/= fact. And even though you claim to not like the fear mongering, you do it anyways.
No Face
Don’t believe things just because someone posted it on facebook.
Anon
I don’t think you can make any conclusion about this person’s reaction without having access to facts about her case. Otherwise it is just a rumor.
Anon
My guess is that if you really, truly, had that reaction to a shot for X, having X itself likely still would have been worse. Like you are never worse off getting a shot unless you are gambling on never getting X (which, based on the shot-avoiders’ behavior I have seen, is probably double or higher what a typically cautious person’s odds would be).
Like rabies shots are just horrible to get. Maybe there is one thing worse: dying of rabies. [You get the shot if you need to get the shot; by the time you come down with rabies post exposure, it is too late and you will die a gruesome death.]
Anonymous
You are doing exactly what that FB post did. Fear mongering a terrible and extremely rare situation. Stop.
Anon
+1. It’s transparent and irritating.
Senior Attorney
Right? Cut it out!
Anon
My Mom dies less than 12 hours after getting her first COVID vaccination. People that don’t know her medical history could easily conclude that the vaccine was the cause (it wasn’t). Without knowing the person’s medical history, you can’t make any conclusion. Posting things like this just gives fodder for those who doubt the safety of the vaccine.
Anon
I’m sorry for your loss.
Anonymous
Sometimes people have bad medical outcomes for reasons we don’t understand. We know a lot about medicine but we don’t know everything. There are two things I find frustrating here. First, her post – you can’t use a highly unusual reaction to discourage people from getting medical care that is safe for the majority of people. Second, your questions. Asking about her underlying medical conditions is either trying to shift the blame to her (“she should have known not to get the vaccine with that condition”) or reassure yourself that this could never happen to you (“well I don’t have a pre-existing condition so this would never happen to me”).
As a person who had one of these extreme medical events happen to me (not vaccine related), I don’t use it as a basis to discourage people from getting much needed medical care. And in return, I wish people would stop asking me me questions about why it happened to me, which is essentially a polite way of trying to reassure themselves that I did something “wrong” that caused this and the asker does things “right” and thus it could not happen to them. I was totally healthy (eat well, exercise well, sleep well) with no underlying conditions and it still happened.
Anon
I’d want to know any underlying conditions because a) I might have them and b) I like having a “because of X” to help let others know it’s likely OK for them if they don’t have X (and maybe we should all be tested for X).
I can’t eat a certain food. It’s not that that food is poisonous. It is likely very safe for you. But to say “Jane ate X and went to the ER” and let people think that X is dangerous / unsafe / food brand is unsafe / food brand was not safely manufacturing X is reckless. I have a condition that makes X unsafe for me. Just like how some people can’t take penicillin or other drugs. It’s the genetic lottery making me take steps you don’t have to take.
anon
I would look at it this way…..this is a highly highly unusual reaction. It’s extremely sad, and, it’s not how a normal body reacts to a vaccine. If Pfizer indeed gave her a blood clot, it’s highly likely that she is also be the person who birth control pills gives blood clots, or has a very bad reactions to covid, and other unusual medical things. My mom sadly is someone like that – she has all the super rare reactions to things (though she did just fine with her vaccines!); it’s hard to live life as her, but I wouldn’t use her as a relevant story for anyone else (even myself or my siblings), because the things that happen to her are just so unusual.
Anon
I’m not sure what kind of blood clotting she got.
It’s important to know that any intramuscular injection can cause dangerous blood clotting if it’s mistakenly injected into a vein. I need regular intramuscular injections for a medical condition, and I was taught to aspirate every time to check if I hit a vein. It’s very unusual to hit a vein because intramuscular injection sites are chosen to avoid veins to begin with. But back when nurses were taught to aspirate every time, they did very rarely find that they had hit a vein, so it does happen, whether because of anomalous anatomy or bad aim.
CDC has stopped recommending aspiration because they say it’s so rare to hit a vein, because it takes about 5-10 seconds longer, and because they think it might hurt more in infants. (I’m a bit curious about that part because aspiration doesn’t hurt in the slightest, but I guess I wouldn’t know how infants feel.) This change has been controversial because, again, people did occasionally hit veins back when they were required to check, and might have killed those patients if they hadn’t checked. So I personally continue to aspirate: it’s easy, it doesn’t hurt, I have 5-10 seconds to spare, and it’s worth it. And I ask my nurses to do the same.
Anon
And I shouldn’t have said “any” since I think that is wrong; some stuff is safe to inject into veins to begin with. But not the vaccines.
Anon
From a medical perspective there is just so much factually wrong with this post.
Anon
This is how it was explained to me by my doctor. If I misconveyed something, I would love to know what I got wrong.
Anon
And here’s a source on the relevance to the vaccines: https://www.indiatoday.in/coronavirus-outbreak/vaccine-updates/story/faulty-injection-technique-rare-clot-disorder-post-covid-vaccination-1823416-2021-07-03
Anon
I can’t even with this. You “don’t like the fear-mongering” and yet you’re spreading it here? Ooookay.
People can have all kinds of health conditions that aren’t evident, including some they aren’t even aware of. A former boss of mine had a blood-clotting disorder she was unaware of until she developed a blood clot after she had surgery for uterine cancer, and nearly died. I have a relative who is a clinical pharmacist and she said sometimes when they see a medication reaction, it’s due to an underlying health condition the person didn’t even know they had because they were asymptomatic and had never been tested for it. A not-insignificant percentage of the U.S. population has Type II diabetes and they don’t know it. There are a million different reasons why the person you supposedly saw in a Facebook meme supposedly had a reaction to a vaccine she was supposedly administered. By the way, you do know that people intentionally spread false information on social media, right?
Anon
Correlation does not equal causation.
I’ve aged since getting my Covid vaccine. Does the vaccine cause aging?
Of Counsel
(1) Don’t believe anything you see on FB unless it is link to a reputable news source. This is especially true about Covid or any other issue with partisan spin.
(2) As someone who does medical device and pharmaceutical product liability litigation – you know those warnings that none of us read? Chances are good that every single one of those things has happened to someone. The odds might be 1 in 1,000,000 but the drug (or device) without any possible adverse side effects does not exist. (GoogleStevens-Johnson syndrome and realize it can be caused by common OTC pain medications if you need convincing). The question for manufacturers and the FDA is whether the risks outweigh the benefits. That is not a comfort for the people who have the worst of those side effects but they are looking at a population level.
(3) And finally, my Uncle died three weeks after getting his second Covid vaccination and a certain kind of person would have posted that to FB as “proof” that the vaccine killed him. I tend to think it had more to do with the Stage IV lung cancer.
Anon
I’m immunocompromised. I had a three day reaction to my second Pfizer shot and a four day reaction to my booster. I was feverish, sick in bed, couldn’t do anything. My head hurt, my eyes hurt, my skin hurt. Miserable.
My 20 something unvaccinated niece has covid right now. Guess who’s sicker? She has everything I had from my reaction plus deep coughing, higher fever, and trouble catching deep breath. She had two days she couldn’t get out of bed at all. Had to be helped to the bathroom to pee.
She also spread it to her kids and the man she’s dating, so at the same time she’s sick as a dog she has to take care of them (at least the kids) and her kids have to be out of school for 10 days. She works hourly so that means another 10 days of no pay for her.
She’s young and healthy and will probably be fine, but it’s not “just the flu” (and I don’t even want to think about the chance she may end up with long covid)
Getting the vaccine is a no-brainer. There are risks, but they are always, always less than the risks of the actual disease, and if you’re not vaccinated, you’re going to get this delta variant. It’s everywhere.
Anon
+1
If anyone is worried about risks, talk to your doctor about how to mitigate risks.
And keep in mind that the risks of going unvaccinated are known to be greater, unless you can somehow guarantee you won’t ever catch the virus. But most of us can’t and won’t live in that kind of isolation. And for those who have to isolate because they truly cannot be vaccinated, the more the rest of us do to end this, the better.
Kat in VA
Oh man, it’s not “just the flu”. I’ve had the flu, real flu, downtime-for-a-week flu and this creature is far, far nastier.
I use this type of analogy to try to convince the hesitant – I had +/-72 hour reactions to both Moderna shots, and both times it was the second sickest I’ve been in my adult life (first was mono).
THAT BEING SAID
I would much, much, much rather deal with vaxx side effects than the actual virus itself. Because if that 72-hour, reasonably safe speed-run through Covid is a taste of what the real deal is like, Covid is truly a BEAST and I have no interest in actually catching it. I had all symptoms except shortness of breath and coughing, which would combined with the other “symptoms” I displayed (104 fever, muscle aches, headache, gastric issues, extreme fatigue, weight loss, vertigo, the list goes on) would be absolutely unbearable in a real live virus case…and for some…for WEEKS or MONTHS on end…
For me, as a relatively healthy adult, an interesting (albeit unpleasant) glimpse into what Covid can do to you.
I know I’m using a lot of ALL CAPS here but I cannot stress how important it is to get the vaccine, even if you end up with unpleasant side effects like I did. The majority of folks I know did not have much more than passing fatigue, or a headache for a day or so (then again, they all had Pfizer). To me, those side effects were proof that (a) my immune response was awesome and (b) Covid can be a horrifically debilitating disease with a huge helping of suffering.
The second a booster is available, I will dance into my closest location that offers the shots – knowing full well I’m likely to be down for another roughly 72 hours. That’s how convinced I am that Covid can be a terrifically nasty snarling beast that I’m not willing to either catch myself or inflict on other people.
Hyberole? Yes, a bit. Covid? No hyperbole needed to describe it.
Anonymous
I mean…I don’t really understand the point you are trying to make here. There are people that have extreme reactions to the flu shot, or to MMR or heck, to the glucose tolerance test they make you do when pregnant.
The general public does not understand risk. Social media, and the media in general, feeds these anxieties.
Anon
Has anyone here ever had an employee whose mental competency came into question?
I have an inherited staff member who has been a long time problem staffer. As I’m going through all the intense supervision steps though, it’s becoming really clear that this person is… beyond just ‘incapable’. Yes, I’m working with HR and going through all the formal steps, moreso looking for commiseration and/or wisdom from anyone who has been there.
Think – replies to out of office messages thinking that they’re personal emails that somebody is sending them every time on vacation, unable to follow really basic directions, replying directly to high up managers when all staff emails are sent out with strange all-caps messages, in addition to all the basic ‘staffer cannot manage even basic tasks’ stuff I was dealing with. Direct conversations with staffer have been… even more disconcerting than you can imagine.
Anon
Not my direct report, but there was an engineer in my group who was forced into retirement due to (what seemed like) dementia symptoms. He lost all ability to retain new information, so while he was fine doing what he’d been doing for 30 years, he completely fell apart when we switched to new centralized software systems. He got trained over and over and over, and it just wouldn’t take. It also became a liability issue, since his job involved designing for fast-moving machinery. He was very angry about it, but there wasn’t really anything to be done. He was a huge safety risk.
Anon
Mmm. Thank you for sharing this. I can see some strong parallels and there are some tasks – very rote tasks that have been done for a long time – that staffer is still doing a sufficient job at. Okay, one task. It’s literally a single task.
But anything new… At first, I thought it was me not training thoroughly. Then maybe my teaching style didn’t line up, but I now have multiple examples where multiple people have attempted to train/give direction on multiple issues – and it has become clearer and clearer that it’s more than a training issue.
Anonymous
Do you have an EAP? Perhaps they might have some resources for you. One thing that occurs to me as a possibility may be early-onset dementia? Sadly that happened to a friend’s parent and the first signs of it were performance problems at work.
Anon
Funny you should mention EAP… Our EAP will only assist employees directly and only if employee wants their assistance. Back when I first got this team, staffer mentioned several pretty disturbing/weird things about their out of work situation (also told with no tact). I expressed appropriate concern, clearly laid out the requirements for requesting time off/calling out, and referred staffer to EAP.
Basically, I handled it 100% normally and appropriately. Staffer then launched on conspiracy theories about how EAP was ‘out to get people and steal their identities’ and that they were just ‘nosy’ and several other baffling tidbits. So. Went down that road and staffer refused.
anon
Oooooh, this is sounding like one of my former staff members. It was annoying, time consuming, and, above all, heartbreaking. I urge you to shift gears – this is no longer a management issue, this is a major medical issue. Whether he’s suffering from early alzheimers, or strokes, something else, there is something major going on, and, it’s likely only going to get worse. Once I made that shift, I was able to see this not as “how do I get him to get his job done”, but, “how do we compassionately take care of someone who is having a major health crisis”. At my (international) organization boundaries get blurred, so someone from his home country ended up talking his wife, and we put him on long-term medical. As his manager, I will admit that having him not there was sooooooooooo much easier than managing the incompetence and chaos he left in his wake. Also…..anything you do now to encourage him to write down passwords and things will help when he does leave (whether medical leave or terminated) will help you later, because by that point he probably won’t be able to log in to fill out the final bits of paperwork, etc. Lesson learned the hard way:-P This is a really hard situation….I’m sending you all my best wishes.
Anon
Good practical points…
The challenge I have is that staffer lashes out strongly when any feedback is given and is quick to accuse anyone and everyone of bullying/ageism/not giving direction. To be honest, staffer has worn out any compassion I had with their behaviors.
And yeah – one night this week, I asked staffer to do a pretty basic task – I could have done it in about 15 minutes. What staffer caused took me 3 hours to clean up AND I still haven’t gotten the task done. Not supervising staffer would be a relief.
anon
Oh yes, I know the lashing out. And the compassion fatigue. I’m am generally an extremely compassionate person, but I will admit that by the time we got him on medical leave my primary emotion was relief. I was so glad I didn’t have to deal with him anymore. (And then I’d go home and cry because his wife and (young!) kids didn’t have the option). I think the lashing out is a strong sign of losing mental capabilities – he’s grasping at straws to try to cover up that he can’t do things. (Of course, some people just are rude and lash out, but, in combo with the rest, I’d take it as another symptom).
Another thing to think about that helped – I realized one of my roles in this was protecting the other staff members from the lashing out and the chaos. They needed to know their manager was doing her best to protect them and our clients in this situation. Once I stopped putting my attention on trying to get him to do work, and instead framed my role as making sure he got onto medical leave and that the rest of the team didn’t feel the fallout, that helped both my sanity and the team.
Emma
I mean, some people are genuinely terrible employees. Others might struggle with mental illness, dementia, or anything else that makes them struggle with basic social etiquette and you want to tread carefully and go through HR at every step. I had an alcoholic employee once and despite wanting to approach with compassion, it was really hard on everyone else and he was eventually terminated, but it was a long road.
Anon
Thank you. This is both, I think. Staffer was always really bad AND there are possible issues here. Well, without doing anything… I’m finding that sitting back, staffer is basically demonstrating to not just me, but my entire department, that they are no longer capable of performing their job.
(Nothing like insane replies to high ups for email blasts that show that a person doesn’t understand what an email blast is, or social/workplace norms, or how to construct an email that doesn’t make them look like a cartoon villain writing a ransom note to demonstrate that it’s not a ‘me’ issue.)
Ses
HR will have you covered for most things, but my advice from experience is to try to de-personalize this as much as possible. Have HR present for important performance conversations, use “the company” instead of “I” language… That’s not usually how I would manage because I usually like to take responsibility… but you don’t want someone you’ve described as “disconcerting” to walk out on their last day with a grudge against you.
May sound dramatic, but people can be really unpredictable – I once had a guy violently sweep everything off my desk onto the floor during the final terminated-for-cause conversation and then lurk around outside in the parking lot for the rest of the day.
Anon
Good point. In this case, especially because staffer is so prone to filing grievances/complaints, our conversations are thoroughly documented and as direct as possible.
Anon
I advise clients on many employment matters. Often, when a longterm employee with a decent history starts performing poorly, having trouble getting along with people, etc., I learn that within a year of the termination, the employee has been diagnosed with dementia or Alzheimer’s.
Anon
Thank you, this makes sense to me.
One of my challenges at first is that this is a long-time ‘problem child’ employee. Like, multiple supervisors before me have tried to get staffer terminated, staffer has always been known as being problematic… They’ve always been difficult but I am noting that we’ve crossed the point where it appears we need to move down the path of getting staffer medically evaluated.
Anon
Where do you work that nobody has been able to fire this guy? Even in government it’s possible to fire somebody like this.
Anon
Erm, this is a complicated answer. It’s a long process to fire someone here, and at times the staffer has done just enough to have people back off. Other things that have happen include: a previous supervisor had extensive medical leave and because reporting/checkins were missed, the timeline ‘reset’, at one point staffer was able to point to somewhere a frustrated supervisor had said something that staffer argued was part of a medical accommodation (it wasn’t?) and the supervisor kind of got scared and backed off, and then lots of what I’ve been going through which is: it’s a lot of work – I’d estimate I already spend 10 hours/week supervising this staffer (which is one of the reasons I work 55 hours/week) and I get less than 5 hours worth of work from them. Is it worth it?
Anon
Ok, but still, any rules at your organization about this are self-imposed and not immutable laws of the universe. If you’re in government I know it can be extra challenging so start the process over again immediately so he can be gone ASAP. If you’re not, push back on all this bs red tape.
Anon
100% hear you. As a note: doing all of that and am currently on the ‘additional supervision and coaching as part of a PIP’ phase. All this additional supervision is what has really opened my eyes to the fact that – something has changed and staff is no longer competent/fit to work.
(Also, trust that there are a number of details I’m leaving out here. Trust me, after 6 months of supervision/observation, I started on the process of getting this staffer to shape up or ship out.)
Anon
Yeah, your company needs to act like it’s the one in charge of employment decisions. If the employee were rational and underperforming, I would suggest a small severance in exchange for their resignation; given the way this employee behaves, that is likely not going to go over well.
Do you think that there is any way that you can terminate this employee that will not result in litigation? Is the expense of justifying your actions worthwhile? What is gained by following these long, arcane procedures? Why don’t your PIPs have a clause that the underperforming employee can be terminated during it? (Do they have this clause?)
Anonymous
Been there, with the added bonus that other partners were happy with her. I would contact her other/prior managers to ask what work they give her and whether they have any advice. It’s possible that she’s good at other things, she doesnt seem to understand email at all.
Anon
Yes. Long stories for both, but in one case it was determined the person was a late-stage alcoholic, and in the other case it was early-onset dementia (the employee was only 55). In the dementia situation, the employee lived alone and had no close family, and so getting him connected to help and resources required getting city Adult Protective Services involved and it was a huge, protracted, heartbreaking mess. I and the other company leaders did not just want to fire the person and leave him to deteriorate alone, but getting him help turned out to be a really long process (which I’m still glad that we went through). He had to go into long-term memory care but died less than two years after going into the care facility.
I don’t really have much wisdom to offer because I think these situations are really individualized. Moving the person to short-term, and then long-term disability should be an option on the table. As is having the person take a paid leave from work while they get evaluated for fitness to perform their job duties. There are intense ADA implications with these situations and so HR/legal advice is really important. I was told by an attorney that at the end of the day, even a person with a disability does not have to be retained as an employee if they are a danger to themselves or others, and in the case of the late-stage alcoholic, we absolutely did not want to be in a position of responsibility if he hurt himself or someone else. We chose to terminate that employee after going through a number of steps to connect him with addiction recovery resources that he didn’t participate in.
I’m sorry you’re going through this and I hope you can get some kind of resolution quickly.
Anon
OP here. Thank you, thank you all. It’s such a sensitive topic and for obvious reasons I haven’t been able to talk to anyone about it.
All your input makes me even more sure I’m doing the right thing which… today, after cleaning up my employee’s mess of the day… is reassuring to me. It also just… made me feel less alone. Thank you.
Anon
Yes. I was like the third or fourth manager of a woman who had some of these characteristics. She couldn’t do the most basic things and kept insisting she hadn’t been “trained on” whatever it was she couldn’t do, and we are talking enter this number into the yellow box and enter this number into the green box.
She was also deeply paranoid and after just a few months of working in my group decided I was out to get her and that I was “threatened” by her, and she ran to HR repeatedly claiming I was trying to get her fired because I was worried she would take my job (never mind that I’m a credentialed professional and she was a non exempt employee with no credentials.)
Over time it became clear that I was her fourth manager in two years because people kept passing along the problem, and I naively accepted her transfer because my boss told me it would help with my staffing shortage.
After the HR debacle, my manager (old made) got involved and chalked it up to “women can’t get along with women” and ignored all of my documentation, which was pages and pages.
I quit that job for a better opportunity, and then yet another manager inherited this person. She finally threatened the manager of the department and was led out of the building by security. She continued to send threatening emails for years and tried, unsuccessfully, to sue the company.
But yeah, it all started with her not being able to transfer numbers from one document to another.
Anonymous
My $.02 as the mom to an autistic child — it could be neurodifferences, particularly if the person isn’t in the right age group for dementia. (Or COVID brainfog, maybe?) I would hope that you could give lots of notice that they’re not performing well, ask directly to see if they need accommodations that would help, and maybe see if HR can recommend a neurodiversity coach they could offer the person. If they refuse all that and still perform poorly then terminate.
Anon
Excellent point, but I can state that I do not believe in any way that it is an issue of neurodiversity. There are other details that also make it much more likely this is another issue mentioned in the comments.
Anon
Has anyone used a tooth whitening pen that you’d recommend?
I specifically want to avoid trays and strips, because I have a front dental implant that was made to match my teeth. I’m looking to just spot-treat a few areas in crevices and near the gumline.
WP Standard
Has anyone purchased a bag from WP Standard? They look gorgeous – their ads have been following me on Facebook and Instagram!
Anonymous
I just reported that Dr. Seymour Butz is doing abortions in Texas. GASP. What hot tips have you sent into the tip line?
Anon
I saw on Twitter somebody who made a shortcut for iOS devices to report quickly enough to do it repeatedly and with just off enough information that it’s hard to tell it’s not real.
Anon
Link?
Anon
Look at @ i am gabe sanchez [no spaces] on Twitter. There’s a link to the shortcut and a quick video of how to use it.
Anon
I’ve sent in 8-10 and my husband is gearing up to do a bunch today. I’m going to comb the FEC donor lists and find some Trump donors to report.
Anon
Also, the fake ones are fun, but I’m mostly submitting ones that sound like they could be true. We need to poison the dataset.
Anon
I said a church parishioner’s boyfriend drove her to the abortion. Once white men start being investigated for “women’s issues”, the tune might change.
Anonymous
Once you are through this, look up the supplement mix called Urinari X. Available from iHerb. A friend recommended it. I started taking 3 a day and now take 1 a day for maintenance. No more UTIs so far.
Anna
This is a great nesting fail. Lets flush out the anti choice lot like UTI
Anon
I have a UTI and was prescribed antibiotics. I have been working on my gut health for the past year and am loathe to take antibiotics- but unfortunately they seem warrented here. Any advice on how to mitigate the harmful effects on the gut?
pugsnbourbon
I have a UTI and was prescribed antibiotics. I have been working on my gut health for the past year and am loathe to take antibiotics- but unfortunately they seem warrented here. Any advice on how to mitigate the harmful effects on the gut?
Nesprin
Unless you’ve been prescribed cipro which does not play well with dairy!!!
Also yes, take this seriously since kidney infections have put me in the hospital multiple times.
FormerlyPhilly
Do not take cipro for UTI unless you sample has been cultured and indicates that cipro is the only medication to treat.
Anon
Take a probiotic with it. The refrigerated ones from whole foods are usually good. I think you want three different strands of probiotic in it and a high count. I have previously had c.diff. from antibiotic use, so I’m super cautious about using probiotics now anytime I have to take antibiotics, because I do not want that again!
Anon
Take probiotics. I had a terrible antibiotic-induced illness once that took almost a year to treat and involved multiple ER visits, and now I always take probiotics and never have any issues.
LoudyTourky
I ended up in the hospital for two nights with sepsis from an asymptomatic UTI. You do not want to get to that point. I was then on all the antibiotics, both in the hospital and by prescription. Got a good probiotic and did not have any gut issues. Take the antibiotics, load up on yogurt, and get a good probiotic.
eertmeert
Another vote for probiotics and yogurt (unsweetened – sugar feeds yeast). Also, cut your sugar intake way down for a while.
Stagger the probiotic and the antibiotics. So, take antibiotic, wait 5 hours, take the probiotics. You want to give the antibiotic time to do its thing, and then replenish with the new probiotics.
Anonymous
There are some antibiotics that do not mix with dairy, where dairy makes the antibiotics less effective because your body won’t absorb them.
Please don’t just chug yogurt with your antibiotics without finding out whether your particular antibiotics are the non-dairy ones.
The ones I remember you need to have at least a two hour wait before and after taking the medicine to have dairy, were tetracyclines.