ByElizabeth Hours Updated
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Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: Cap-Sleeve Pencil Dress

A cream-and-purple, cap-sleeve. bodycon pencil dress

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

This dress comes personally recommended by one of my most stylish lawyer friends. She was looking for a tweed dress for the fall and had initially landed on this shift dress from Ann Taylor (lucky sizes only, but so cute) but found that it was too boxy for her frame.

A google search turned up this Grace Karin dress, and for less than $40, she was pleasantly surprised. The cut is flattering, the fabric is substantial, but still has a slight stretch, and it comes in a wide range of colors.

The dress is available at Amazon and comes in sizes S–XXL.

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Sales of note for 12.5

358 Comments

  1. Elizabeth, Yay for this pick on a fruegal Friday — only $39.99. I had’t seen this Grace Karin dress before but I do like it –its very form fitting and flattering, and especially good if there is some stretch in it as you say. Normally form fitting is fine for those with svelter bodies, but for $39.99, I think we can all take a chance, right? It is also true that the Ann Taylor is boxier (and also expensive, even after the 30% discount), but for those of us like me who have a larger tuchus that we’d like, having that extra room in the seat is always a good thing! So either way, I think there are good choices here for the HIVE, and I look forward to showing BOTH to the manageing partner. Hopefully I will able to convince him I should get both, since they are not expensive and I need to remain in good graces with the Judge!

  2. Help! Some mystery bug in my home has been giving me the itchiest bites over the past few weeks. I don’t think it’s bedbugs because the bites are primarily on my feet, and I don’t see any evidence in my bed. It could be fleas, but I don’t have any pets and haven’t been in the woods. I don’t think spiders or ants would bite so consistently over multiple days. The itchiness and appearance reminds me of no-see-ums, but I’m not near any bodies of water! Any ideas what else it could be?? The bites are so itchy and disgusting (some are even filled with pus and leave scars) and seem to keep coming, I can’t take it anymore!

    1. Do you go outside at all? I get something similar, and I’ve never been able to figure out for sure what it is, but I’m pretty sure that they’re chiggers or a similar mite. They’re very itchy and get pus like you say, but the key characteristic is that they show up along line where clothing is tight, most commonly my socks, but also along my waist or sometimes my bra, my knees, or my elbows. I get them at nearby grassland parks, but sometimes after just a few minutes in my yard, most commonly in warm weather in summer and fall. I can mostly avoid them if I’m completely meticulous about changing shoes, socks, and pants and showering after every time I go outside during those times of year, but I still get some bites when I slip up.

    2. Are you in the MidWest? In the Fall the “minute pirate bugs” seem to get worse and can bite like that.

    3. Sounds like chigger bites to me. They are a menace. I got chigger bites a few weeks ago and the evidence is still there (though they’re not infected or itchy anymore).

      1. We had chiggers a few years ago in the yard. Absolutely miserable and the itchiest I’ve ever been. Sprinkling diatomaceous earth helped eradicate them.

      2. +1 Never had worse itching, burning, and swelling on my feet than when I suffered chigger bites.

    4. I had something similar years ago after visiting a farm. Mainly on my legs and ankles. I did use powder tick and flea killer throughout my house to eradicate them and stop the itching. The weird thing was the other members of my family also visited the farm, and none of them had symptoms! I think I may have had some sort of allergic reaction. The itching was unbearable.

    5. I am convinced we have some sort of itch-causing mite endemic to the trees in our yard (do a search for “oak gall mite” for details). My primary doc and dermatologists have told me it was definitely poison ivy, no wait it is absolutely eczema, haha jk we mean atypical dermatitis, but it appears in weird locations like my torso or symmetrically down my thighs, starts up at times when I haven’t been outdoors, and spreads in track-like patterns across my body over the course of several weeks. Does not seem to be contagious between household members (so my doc says it isn’t scabies) although Rx permethrin cream is the only thing that arrests the spread and it consistently stops it every time. Antihistamines help with symptoms but don’t stop the spread and it does not clear up until they inevitably treat me with the permethrin cream.

      If yours is anything like mine, the itching is horrendous and you have all my sympathy.

    6. Do you have monkeypox!? The part about the bites being filled with pus does not sound like an insect.

      1. Chigger bites definitely get a little pus cap, in addition to being horribly itchy. Way, way worse than mosquito bites and last longer too.

    7. Ugh! Totally commiserate as this happened to me twice this summer. I think they were no-see-ums, but couldn’t be sure. I also live in a high rise, so no idea how they get so high up! If you don’t have pets or small children, I recommend spraying and fumigating your rooms if you can. I have pets and couldn’t do this, but I used to do this in the past. Also, this sucks but try to use some repellent on your exposed areas when you go to bed.

  3. I got a new puffer coat yesterday and realized I had accidentally ordered the dark navy rather than my usual black. It’s a nice navy color and fits well. I have three pairs of fall/winter boots — two black (suede and leather) and one gray suede. None are knee high. I wear the black leather boots more often. Will they look weird with a navy coat? Should I return and exchange for the black puffer? I would return to the store so it’s not too much of a hassle. This coat will be weekend wear and dog/kids walks. I have a wool burgundy coat for work.

    1. Definitely won’t look weird. I have a navy winter coat and wear it will black boots (and black tights) all the time.

    2. I think you can get away with it without worry, but if it’s going to bother you, return for the black version.

    3. I used to have a beautiful dark navy puffer with a big black fur ruff on the hood. I loved that thing. It will not look weird with your black boots at all. But have no qualms about exchanging if it’s not what you like!

    4. I pair navy and black all the time, intentionally. The only time it looks off is if you do a very dark, inky navy next to black where it looks like you got dressed in the dark. Otherwise, it’s completely fine. I think navy is a softer look against faces while still having the advantages of being a dark neutral.

    5. This wouldn’t bother me in the least, and it is not a fashion “don’t” (if that sort of things matters to you). But if it’s going to bother you every time you wear the coat, exchange it.

      Can I ask what you bought? A nice navy puffer is something I’d far prefer it to black!

      1. Thanks all. I think I’ll keep it. It’s the Ralph Lauren Faux Fur Hooded Down from Nordstrom Rack.

    7. I like navy and black together, but navy can sometimes not contrast with denim enough for my liking.

    9. I mix navy, black, dark and light charcoal grays, brown and burgundies all the time. Not all at once but I prefer a subtle shade mix than a column of color.

      1. I’m so sorry. When it gets cooler, you can’t manage them with a sweater? I have some with just elastic backs (so front if flat) and they are divine. With a jacket, no one knows.

        1. Even if I saw elastic in someone’s trousers, I would not think less of them. I’d think they were wise for putting their comfort first. Women’s waistlines fluctuate each month, and everyone’s with each meal, so some ‘give’ makes sense.
          Some neuro diverse people or with chronic illness or pain also need more comfortable trousers.
          I use a wheelchair and wear maternity trousers with a wide stretchy top as sitting in trousers with a restrictive waist all day is so uncomfortable. You wouldn’t even notice them under my blazer. Or because you’d be too busy admiring my beautiful shoes ;)

    3. I’m so confused – who mentioned elastic waist pants, or promised that the Friday post would feature them?

      1. Seems like OP is trying to make a commentary on WFH wardrobe choice vs going back to the office. But uh yeah this dress is dope. And I’ve been enjoying wearing more dressy work dresses into the office on occasion. Young me envisioned being a high-powered Working Lady in a killer dress and heels, not splayed on the couch in sweatpants all day. It’s nice to indulge her sometimes. :)

        1. Yes! I love walking to my office in a great outfit and feeling like I”m living the life that I thought I’d be living back when I was younger.

        2. For sure, if I was going into an office even once a week I would totally buy this dress. Alas, I’m fully remote and I don’t think this would be an appropriate purchase right now, I’m much more interested in being “laced up from the waist up” and focusing my work wardrobe on tops, sweaters, blazers, etc.

  5. I live in City A and my uncle is my only relative here. I’m about to leave on a work trip. He has come down with COVID and is an older guy who I worry about with this. He never gets just a cold. He does have a fingertip oxygen monitor. This is day 3 since symptoms started and yesterday he work up dizzy but felt better later on. If I’m across town, I can zip over. But over the phone (he doesn’t have an iPhone, so we can’t face time), he will tell me not to worry and to go on the trip. How soon will I know if he is mild or if I may have to tell him to reach out to his nurse line as his PCP and/or make the urgent care appointment? Heading into a weekend isn’t great. I told him don’t just go to the ER (although as an older guy with some prior cardiac issues (PVCs vs actual heart attack), maybe he gets seen somewhat urgently)? I only know people who had mild cases and he is the first person I know who might not necessarily have an easy time with it.

    1. have him reach out to his doctor now. if he needs pavloxid (his doctor’s call) it needs to start in the next two days. I wouldn’t wait until the weekend to see what happens… even if he is told “wait and watch” at least it’s on his doctor’s radar and the doctor can give him directions as to what to do.

      1. This – it sounds like he should be on paxlovid but obviously a doctor should advise on that.

      3. Yes, ask for antivirals and send him some groceries. I think the antivirals made a huge difference from me.

    2. I don’t know the answer for you, but just wanted to say how sweet you are for caring and looking after him like this.

      1. I’d go to the ER if the ambulance brought me (in which case, I’d be whisked back promptly), but not otherwise. It’s a good way to spend 6-8 hours in something like the DMV but with screaming and bodily fluids. It’s better if your doctor calls the ER to tell them they are sending a patient who needs to be escalated (happened with a kid of mine who had some stuff happen one night) — they also are expecting you and take you back pretty quickly.

        1. This. During the day, if I didn’t need an ambulance, I’d choose Urgent Care (or telehealth).

      2. Speaking from personal experience, if he’s having trouble breathing he will not have to wait.
        It’s worth setting up guidelines for when he goes to the ER i.e.:
        If his pulse oximeter measures <95 he goes to the ER and <90 he calls an ambulance.
        His temp goes over 104, or is 102 and doesn't come down with tylenol he goes to the ER
        He can't walk across a room, or is too dizzy to get to the bathroom he goes to the ER

    4. Maybe you could also order groceries for him, as he might not feel up to doing that. I would also make sure to check in throughout the day to see how he is doing.

      1. OP here — this is a good idea. I will get a list and drop at his door so he can have a stocked pantry before I go. And some Tussin (Chris Rock was right about the Tussin).

  6. Hive, I just got fired. I guess I technically got let go – I was told my 20-person team is being reduced by half – but I’m embarrassed and sad and I don’t know how to feel. I have an emergency fund for 3 -4 months, I’m kicking myself for going on vacation last month as it would be closer to another month of expenses. I just want to buy a fuzzy blanket and ice cream and wallow all weekend but my mind is racing about am I going to regret that $40 and should I start applying today?? If there have been any past comments on this process I’d appreciate a link to get some perspective, I know I’ll get out of this eventually but I am stung. I should add they are paying me and I get health insurance through the end of Sept.

    1. In finance class, I was taught about the “sunk cost fallacy.” Never make a decision based on money you’ve already spent – it’s gone and there’s no way to get it back. Vacation you had no way of knowing this was coming! Try to think of the happy memories you made there.

      And if you need the fuzzy blanket and ice cream, buy them. Or maybe tell a friend who can buy you some ice cream and make do with an old-friend blanket you already have.

    2. I’m so sorry! I would take a day (or this weekend) to let it sink in and maybe brush up my resume, but I think it is OK to sit with your feelings a bit vs applying to jobs today. But if you think that will make you feel better – go for it! Also consider posting some info about your industry and desired roles here. People may have suggestions!

      1. I agree but take more than a day. I’ve been there. Take a week to just chill and close out your job. Then start your search after that week.

    3. Oh I’m so sorry. I have been through this and it sucks even though it sounds like it is not about you but broader business conditions. I would take the weekend to wallow a little bit and do what you need to do and then make your plan – what kind of jobs are you interested in, update your resume and linked in, who in your network will you start reaching out to, etc. you’ll think about how much time you want to spend on your search and when to say ‘done’ for the day. Maybe you could do some consulting or similar to bide some time. I know there a lot of places doing layoffs but there are still a lot of jobs out there – the mismatch is really weird with this economic cycle. You will find something great for you!

      1. This happened to me last year. Weeks after a fantastic review and raise where my boss was talking about plans for the next year. It still stings a bit even though I’ve been at new job for almost a year. A few things I’ve learned:
        * Know you have time to review the severance agreement. Don’t let them pressure you into signing it any earlier than you feel comfortable with.
        *Apply for unemployment sooner than later. It may take a couple of weeks to get approved. The good thing about being laid off vs. fired is that it should be without challenge.
        *Immediately make any doc appointments that you need to and stress getting in quickly before insurance changes. You can retroact Cobra pay if you need to and save some money. (Although for me, one of those visits uncovered a major medical problem so Cobra sign-up was a given–but still best to know what you’re dealing with)
        * Investigate market worth. I’m 48 and had a high salary. I didn’t realize it was higher than what the market was for what I do (probably why they trimmed me). The minute I came down just a bit, the interviews increased dramatically. I’m not saying this will be your case and hope that it won’t be, but it helps to at least get a sense of data. I ruined some opportunities early out by not knowing norms.
        *Use resume building online assistance or even a service. The right format will make all the difference in hitting keywords, not having to manually enter info into applications, etc.
        *As people reach out (the next few days you may see a wave), don’t be shy about asking for LI recs. It’s easier to do when you’re still freshly talking to them. Try not to hold grudges on those who aren’t going to reach out. It’s weird how people are with this—some people treat you like you’re suddenly contagious or something. Know that it says more about them than you.
        *Take walks and enjoy the sunshine a bit every day. It doesn’t feel like it right now, but this is one of those rare moments in life where you can take a breath and it will be over all too fast and you’ll find yourself back in the work grind.
        *Also, don’t panic on what interviews will be like. I was shocked to find most interviewers didn’t even miss a beat when asking about why I left. It’s Covid times and everyone realizes things are funky. Like it literally was a non-issue.

        1. I have a longer comment in mod – I was laid off last month myself, and have some advice for OP – but just want to say, this is a great list. Regarding this part:

          “*Use resume building online assistance or even a service. The right format will make all the difference in hitting keywords, not having to manually enter info into applications, etc.”

          My old job had offered me three months of outplacement counseling. Originally I was like “ehhh, what could they possibly do for me” and then my husband was like – it’s free advice, why not meet with the career coach once. I did, and she gave me some truly great advice about my resume, “personal branding” on my LinkedIn profile, and some other stuff. I was at the offer stage with my new job and the career coach gave me some great tips on negotiating salary and start date, etc. that I didn’t already know. So OP, if your job has offered you outplacement services, take them! It’s free help and the coach I met with (from Right Management, FYI) really did know what she was talking about.

          Also:

          “*Take walks and enjoy the sunshine a bit every day. It doesn’t feel like it right now, but this is one of those rare moments in life where you can take a breath and it will be over all too fast and you’ll find yourself back in the work grind.”

          Is this ever the truth. The weeks I wasn’t working, I spent way too much time fretting that I would never get another job – even when I was getting interviews/having salary conversations with my now-current employer. I wish I hadn’t spent so much time worrying and had spent more time basking in not having a job. I started my new gig last week and the time I had off seems WAY too short.

    4. I’m so sorry. I’ve been in your shoes and it sucks. Be kind to yourself. Take the opportunity to grieve and rest, at least for the weekend or more if you need it. You’ll be okay for a few months – that’s why you planned and saved. Take care of yourself.

    5. Huge hugs, I’ve been there.

      1) allow yourself time to grieve and process.
      2) if you feel like taking action, spruce up your LinkedIn profile and let people know you are looking- former clients, people at your old company, etc. you never know who can get you in the door somewhere. I ended up getting someone at my old company that I really respected a job at my husband’s company! Same client facing role, but 40% better pay and a different kind of product. I would never have known she was looking but she mentioned being laid off on LinkedIn.
      3) depending on your age and role, consider negotiating severance. When this happened to me, my job was “eliminated” and a new job with a slightly different title was created and given to a man. I was a 35 year old working mom with a stellar track record and the whole thing was garbage. I hired an employment lawyer and she got me my full bonus (I was laid off 4 months before I would have gotten it) and 9 months of severance instead of 6, plus vacation time laid out (we had “unlimited vacation” but had only recently converted).

      1. What great advice. Well done! Thank you for sharing your “negotiating severance” experience. I’m so glad you got what you deserve.

    6. I’m glad you took a vacation last month — with looking for a new job and starting a new job you probably won’t be able to do it for months, so it’s great that you got to go!

      Buy yourself that fuzzy blanket and ice cream and take the weekend to wallow. No one’s going to be looking at your job applications over the weekend anyway so it’s ok to start Monday.

    8. I was similarly let go in mid July. I’m collecting unemployment and actively interviewing, but I still feel like I did something wrong. I would encourage you to be kind to yourself for the next week or so. I went through a lot of emotions almost like grieving a person. Job loss is still a loss. Hugs to you!

    9. Just want to say there is a big difference between being fired and being downsized! This really doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you or your performance, so try not to blame yourself or feel embarrassed. Take the weekend to feel your feelings and start to regroup on Monday.

      1. +1 million

        Buy the ice cream, skip the blanket, brush up your resume, and spend the weekend wallowing.

      2. Definitely take the weekend to relax and recover. Buy the $5 pint of ice cream and wallow on the couch. Wake up early Monday, update your resume and start applying to jobs!

    10. I’m so sorry – I have been there (slightly worse, if that makes you feel better, as I was allowed to quit but had made a mistake so bad that it was really a firing). I thought my career was over, and it absolutely was not. I ended up in a job that was much better for me.

      Here’s my advice: take a few days to grieve/feel your feelings. There is absolutely nothing you should be ashamed of here – downsizing is not your fault, and future employers will understand. Take at least the weekend to get yourself into a better headspace before diving into job searching. Update your resume and LinkedIn, join any mailing lists, check all the websites. Networking is important, but I got my current job from a regular job posting, no connections. You might find a career counselor helpful (I did!) to take a look at your resume or even just to talk through how to explain your work history. Many will give you a first session by phone for free. Let your support system help you, don’t close yourself off from your friends and family.

      Good luck! I can honestly say that, almost half a decade later, I ended up in a place that is much better for me, and I almost certainly would have been too afraid to deviate from the path I was on had circumstances not pushed me off that path. I hope you end up feeling the same way.

    11. Ah that sucks. Wallow today, then apply for unemployment and spruce up that resume. You will be fine in the long run.

      Also, take time to enjoy free things that you wouldn’t normally do because you’d be at work. Walk in your prettiest local park. Grab a page turner from the library. Hike somewhere. Research free days at museums.

    12. Being downsized is super common and you will be 100% fine. Many industries are hot and hiring right now. How much severance do you have? Definitely take the weekend off, and then not having been through this, but I’d recommend starting Monday morning and using your usual work hours to job hunt – tidying up documents, contacting network, applying to positions obviously, and then also applying for unemployment. Also if you haven’t job hunted in awhile, I’ve heard the tips and advice on Ask a Manager are pretty on-point.

    13. Been there! Done that! Have the scars to show for it (although in my case it was after the 2008 crash).

      First (and this matters a lot) you did NOT GET FIRED. You were laid off. When you tell people, that distinction is critical. There was a reduction in force and you were unfortunately one of the people who was let go. There is nothing to be embarrassed about.

      Don’t sign anything your employer gives you until you have had a chance to process. Assuming your draft severance agreement does not bar you from doing so, apply for unemployment today. If you are due for doctor or dentist appointments, make them before your benefits are going to run out. Then take 24 hours and wallow. Eat the ice cream, drink the wine, watch your comfort movie.

      On Monday (or Sunday if you are up for it) activate your network. Again – remember this is not your fault. it is not a performance issue. Tell everyone you know that you were laid off as part of a 50% RIF. That is the best way to find a new job. As a friend you can trust to be brutally honest and who is i your industry to review your resume. As everyone for referrals to recruiters.

      Good luck!

      1. Just a small comment on the above. In my state (which is a deep red state with low protections for employees), it is unlawful for a severance agreement to purport to waive unemployment benefits. Those cannot be waived. So even if a severance agreement says you can’t apply for benefits, I can’t imagine that being enforceable in any state (you should still be watching for that type of clause and insist they take it out if it’s there, OP!)

    15. Hey there, big hugs. I got laid off in early August – my first time ever being let go, and it was an emotional rollercoaster. Despite getting good performance reviews, I didn’t really like my job or my boss, and the job was going nowhere; I had actually started job-searching well before the hammer came down. But it’s still a blow – I had facilitated a company-wide meeting that morning, was still getting great feedback from coworkers via email about the event, and then at 1 p.m., BOOM! No more job for you. It was an ego blow, especially as I was already working on leaving. I felt stupid for not leaving them before they had a chance to dump me, just like what happened with my college freshman-year boyfriend. It sucked.

      It’s now six weeks later, and guess what? I have a new job where I am making $37k more than I did in my previous job! My new coworkers are great! While I was between jobs I cleaned out my whole closet and it’s so much nicer and more organized in there now! I also got to take a lot of long solo bike rides, go to the pool and read in the middle of the day when hardly anyone else was there, catch up with friends, and do some contract work. I got paid severance and they paid out my unused PTO, and I did some good budgeting and so I actually have most of my severance left, which we’ll use to take a vacation around Christmastime. I honestly wish the break had lasted a little longer than it did, but it seems like I landed in a great place and I have confidence you will also.

      If you are resisting falling apart over this – don’t, or don’t do it for too long. I held myself together during the weekend after I got fired (didn’t want to fall apart in front of my husband and kid) but then on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday of the next week, while they were at work/school, I felt free to wallow. I sat on the couch in my pajamas from 9-4:30 every day, watching romcoms and bad reality TV, eating cheese puffs straight from the bag and day-drinking alcoholic seltzer. I dealt with my post-layoff paperwork but otherwise did not look for jobs or answer many emails. I didn’t tell anyone I’d been let go, other than my mom and my closest friends. I didn’t work out. I didn’t leave the house. I mostly just put all my energy into being sad and angry and feeling sorry for myself. After three days of that, I realized I had gotten it out of my system. I got up on Thursday and got to it – started applying for jobs, following up on applications I’d already put in, networking, etc. I had interviews set up for the next week by the end of that day, and ended up getting called back for a position I’d been recruited for back in June, which is the job I ended up taking. But I NEEDED that time to wallow – without it, I think I would have just stayed mad and sad and disappointed and dragged that energy around with me, like Linus and his blanket.

      This is a big thing for you and it’s okay to feel scared and sad. Let yourself feel your feelings. If you have money in the bank, you don’t need to worry right now, this second, about your finances. Give yourself some time to grieve and then next week, when you feel ready, you can get to it and get a financial plan together and start looking for jobs. This wasn’t your fault, and you likely could not have changed anything you did to change this outcome. It will be okay. Big hugs again.

    16. I was subject to a RIF during the recession, so I’ve been there. In lieu of your severance, can you ask to be employed for that length of time instead? For me it bought me 6 more weeks and during that time, I networked like crazy (since no one was giving me work), tried to meet with at least 2 people a day for coffee/lunches, and interviewed for at least 3 positions so that I could start working right after that. I really did not want the gap in my resume because at least in my field, people use a long work gap against you. You will get through this and get out ahead – best of luck to you.

  7. How do you break up with a hair stylist? I’ve been seeing the same person for nearly a decade and consider her a friend, but for ~reasons~ want to start going to somebody new. A family member is going to continue going to this person so I’d like to say something kind that will help avoid some awkwardness when my family member is there next.

    1. You don’t need a formal breakup chat, just tell the family member that you don’t have time these days to get your hair done as often just in case the stylist asks about why you haven’t been in lately.

    2. Honestly, I just ghost them. If you want to give a reason, could be scheduling, cost, location, time for a change. Just don’t open it up for debate.

      1. I ghosted my hairdresser. Her rates kept getting higher, and good for her, but they became unaffordable for me. That was after seeing her for close to 10 years, over which period her rates doubled, and she wasn’t cheap to begin with. I’m sure she lost other clients over the issue, but it seems she’s always busy when I walk by, so she’s picked up new ones I guess.

        1. Yes, when I was young my hairdresser’s career was apparently going better than mine, so I just started seeing someone else who hadn’t raised rates so much yet.

          But ghosting a friend who also knows family members and when rates aren’t the reason seems totally different!

          But I think wanting to experiment with different hair stuff is enough of a reason to see a different stylist, and a professional will probably understand. They know even better than we do that not every stylist is the same.

      2. Yup, even if it feels like a personal connection, it’s a business relationship. You wouldn’t break up with your plumber or your dermatologist.

      3. I asked me new hairdresser if she’d rather be broken up with or ghosted by a longtime client, and she said ghosted. So I ghosted the old one. And honestly? I just wish I’d done it a long time ago.

    3. When you say you consider your stylist a friend, do you mean that you know each other well from your conversations at your appointments, or that you see each other outside of appointments? If it’s the former, then you could ghost, or you could tell/text her that you’re going to try out a different stylist for x reason (x could be the truth, or if the truth could hurt her it could be a small lie). If you want to continue to see her socially, then you really should say something, because otherwise it would be weird.

    5. Just start going somewhere new, you don’t need to have a conversation with this old stylist, and if you think your old stylist is going to ask your family member why you’re not coming to her anymore, she can either play dumb (“oh, you haven’t seen her in a while? Well I say her at Thanksgiving, she looked fabulous, I guess she’s going somewhere new”) or she can simply say you’re trying a new place, but you’re not one to discuss those choices with people so she doesn’t know why.

    1. If this is for the above post, I have a deal with my far-out-of-town parents that I call on a schedule and need to know if they won’t be at home. If they don’t call back in a certain amount of time, I will call a neighbor to check in on them (they are on board with this actually). Then comes the police well check. They are old with no local family. A fall, a medical event, a bear (seriously). We have a plan so we know when to escalate. If there were one of them, I’d maybe get more deliberate with dealing with any serious illness or something like cancer when there is a possibility they need medical help but can’t make the call themselves.

    2. Assuming this is for the OP with the elderly uncle, it sounds like he is of the same school of thought as many elderly uncles, i.e., “I will not seek help until I am dying and it is too late.”

    3. When an elderly male relative is sick w/COVID is probably not the time to teach new gender roles. It was pretty normal back in the day for women to be tasked with medical stuff in families.

      1. I am annoyed that, at 34, I am calling to schedule doctors appts and testing followup for my dad while my 25 year old brother still lives at home with him and doesn’t have a job.

        1. I think you can and should push back on that. OP being concerned for her covid-positive elderly uncle and recognizing the reality of the situation is not quite the same.

  9. Transit people: how much do you think the pandemic set back the cause of transit? I grew up where there were subways and commuter rail. And after school lived in DC, which is good for getting to/from the center city on Metro and commuter rail (but bad for going from Rockville to Tysons or Dulles — that may be better now). WFH culture and people thinking that transit is germy is really going to be a big hill to climb for riders, no? My current city is dipping its toe in rail transit. It’s a big bus city, but bus ridership is seriously down, so IDK if we’re past the tipping point in favor of cars or not now. I’ve sort of cast my lot in that I bought a small house close in that is on the bus line but now I can walk a bit to a light rail that goes some places I go (it’s like Rome, where there are two lines, but that’s two lines more than when I moved here). I feel bad for cities — I love them, but it seems that the pandemic (and maybe otherfactors in come cities) may have dealt a blow to how others feel about them as a place to live vs visit.

    1. Oof, the neighbouring town has lost its express bus into the city, and they haven’t commited to bringing it back and our express is less frequent than pre-pandemic, and busier as loads of people moved out to the country.

      I think rail ridership is up, for some reason people perceive trains as less germy, but we’ve also had persistent rail strikes. Which #supportthestrikers but I worry there’s a vicious circle with poor service, declining usage/revenues and government investment, even worse service.

    2. I live in a Canadian city with one of the worst transit systems in the country. It’s a disaster. There aren’t enough bus drivers, our light rail is constantly malfunctioning, ridership has dropped because the service is so bad, but the prices keep going up. I know people who bought cars because of it.

      1. Hi fellow Ottawan! OC Transpo is probably the biggest source of rage in my life and I have organized my entire life around avoiding it. I was 100% WFH until July and then would bike (as I did pre-pandemic) and now my eldest kid has a new school commute and my husband was surprised posted to the west end so he has to drive anyway so I just go downtown with him.

        The LRT doubled my commute and not one single trip since July has a bus been on time. I just yesterday said toy husband and carpool mate that I am admitting defeat. I want to be low maintenance and easy going but I just can’t cope with the stress of constantly trying to navigate the system.

    3. I live in DC, and metro ridership is down a lot. But honestly, at least among my friends, it’s an issue of the decreased service, not germs or Covid. The trains only run half as often, which can significantly lengthen your commute if you have a transfer and have to wait over 10 minutes for each train. Bu they are losing ridership because of the bad service, but say they can’t increase frequency because of the low ridership. It think it will be a very long time, if ever, before transit recovers.

      1. I feel a bit irked because I have a tiny condo that cost a fortune because it was walkable (well, “walkable”) to a metro and now, maybe that is a bug (shorthand for “cramped, urban, and expensive”) and not a feature.

      2. This is known as the death spiral. People aren’t riding the train because it runs infrequently but they can’t run it frequently until they have more riders to pay for it. My city has more people riding than it did early in the summer but still nowhere near pre-pandemic levels. It’s painful at the moment because the train still runs less often than before but the cars are PACKED and unpleasant when they do arrive. I don’t know how they break the cycle.

        1. +1000, this is Septa’s problem with regional rail. I’d ride it… if it ran at convenient times on weekends rather than every 2 hours. And closed-off subway exits and entrances – no convincing reason given IMHO – make me feel unsafe on underground stations.

          2. Anonny, same here! Family in the near burbs. We drive or take Amtrak to / from Ardmore if the time is in between Septa runs.

    4. I live in a Canadian with with 2 rail lines (maybe we live in the same city?). I know a lot of people who moved out to the burbs during the pandemic, now that return to office is in full swing all parking lots downtown are at capacity. Most of my colleagues are begrudgingly going back to transit because parking is so expensive and scarce. I personally bought in a walking neighborhood because I assumed this was coming, so it doesn’t impact me but it’s fascinating to see my colleagues deal with it.

    5. Transit is really germy! I haven’t gotten sick with a contagious pathogen for three years, and I don’t want to go back to the status quo of getting sneezed on on the bus. If transit were less crowded, had amazing ventilation and publicized CO2 levels, and if sick people kept masking, that would all help.

      I was already getting burned out on all the harassment though. I’ve never lived somewhere where it’s taken at all seriously. I was already using transit less after the time a guy I didn’t recognize sat next to me on the bus and proceeded to describe accurately my entire commuting routine (where I was when on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, etc.). After that I tried to mix it up a lot more with carpooling, Uber, and inconvenient routes. I know people who laugh like this stuff is all part of transit’s charm and women need to have a thicker skin, and I used to take more of that attitude. But when I quit transit altogether during WFH, I realized how little I missed it being part of my day and part of my life.

      1. (That is, I don’t miss the harassment. I actually do miss transit in a lot of ways!)

      2. Omg, what a creepy story! I would not have laughed this off either- and might have been tempted to report him to the police. I’m glad it sounds like you didn’t have any other interactions with him in the future

    6. I live in Philadelphia and used to take Septa (our public transportation) daily to work and frequently on weekends for social events. I now work from home. I no longer go to Center City for social events because of how dangerous the city has gotten. For me it’s not so much a transit issue but a crime issue

      1. Philly reader and rider here too! I used to live downtown and either took the El or walked to work, I now live in the burbs and take the Regional Rail to work 3x a week but I am moving back downtown October 1 where I’ll go back to walking to work (but will use RR to visit family in the burbs and MFL/BSL for social events). I love SEPTA (I find it in many ways much better than the DC Metro, which I used to commute on 5x a week).

        It is a chicken and egg situation though – ridership is down so is service, but I do think if service frequency + safety and cleanliness (especially on BSL and MFL) improved, more people would ride it. SEPTA is doing some really interesting planning work on increasing RR service, which I think is great!

        As more and more companies are coming back in person (I think this was my friend at Comcast’s first week back?), I think that it will only make public transportation, and the city as a whole, safer. If everyone abandons the city out of crime concerns, then of course it will only become more crime ridden. I think the best way that the average Philadelphian can react to this crime is to continue to reclaim the city. With more foot traffic, there are more witnesses and potential bystanders to intervene and that will deter some (not all) criminals. With more foot traffic, businesses will stay open, have longer hours, and eventually new businesses will move into the vacant ones which makes things safer as well. With more ridership and therefore more revenue, maybe SEPTA can actually fund its police department adequately which will hopefully deter crime. Also, FWIW while crime is up from 2020 and 2021, it’s actually lower (especially in Center City) than it was pre-pandemic.

      2. I live *in* Center City and still walk everywhere. Some of the crime increase is real and some is fearmongering reporting. I am happy to see people returning and reclaiming sidewalk life and bringing back the vibrancy.

        1. Anonymous from 11:43 here. I’ve lived all over Center City/adjacent neighborhoods (Rittenhouse, Grad Hospital, Bella Vista, Washington Square) and am moving back to Rittenhouse in 2 weeks. When I both live and work in Center City/adjacent, there’s almost no reason for me to use public transportation because it’s so walkable. I used to work in University City and would commute via MFL, but since I switched jobs (new job is middle of Center City) I walk to work and only use SEPTA to visit family in the burbs, go to Fishtown, or go to the Stadiums.

          I really wish that SEPTA would increase regional rail headways and work on cleaning up the subways. I think SEPTA is overall a great transit agency, but still needs to step up the game.

    7. Pre-pandemic I was a huge fan of public transit, but I’m not getting on a bus, subway, or train again until we have much better COVID vaccines that prevent infection. Even then, I will probably wear a mask on transit forever because of flu and colds.

    8. This is one reason I don’t love permanent WFH. Public transportation. With less people commuting (so both a decrease in demand and a decrease in revenue), transportation runs less often and often becomes dirtier and feels less safe. This makes it a PITA for those who still use it regularly, and makes it an undesirable option for those who use it rarely (easier to just drive and deal with parking).

      I’m all for hybrid and flexible options, but widespread full time WFH will damage both public transportation and downtown areas.

      1. This is not smart. Just adjust to need! Unnecessary commutes aren’t good for humans, the environment, work, or anything.

        1. Public transportation is no longer serving the needs of the PUBLIC because of decreased ridership. Many, many people still need it (to commute or for other reasons) and its now less convenient, dirty, less safe.

          1. I hear you. But forcing people to take public transit by forcing people to take unnecessary trips is not the answer.

  10. For those of you who are in-house counsel in a different state than where you were first licensed, did you voluntarily apply to become licensed in your new jurisdiction? I just took a new in-house job in another jurisdiction than where I’m licensed, and I’m trying to decide whether I should apply for admission on motion. My new jurisdiction (DC) doesn’t require me to become licensed in DC to remain corporate counsel, but I wonder if I should anyway.

    1. I don’t see the point unless you are a litigator; wouldn’t waiving in mean you have two CLE and other good standing requirements to worry about? But keep in mind, your jurisdiction may be in-house registration requirements. I’ve lived in four states while working for my employer, all different from my state of license. Two out of the four have had in-house registration requirements.

    2. I just did what was required in each jurisdiction where I was practicing, so no, not voluntarily, unless the company is paying for it. The nice thing about DC is there are no CLE requirements, so for jurisdictions where their only CLE requirement is “meet the CLE requirement of another jurisdiction in which you are licensed,” DC makes it easy to comply.

  11. Any recommendations for dog resistant top bedding? I’ve tried a comforter and a quilt, but my dog’s nail still manage to poke or rip holes. Is there any material that would be more resilient? Thanks!

    1. What material were the comforters/quilts you tried made of? And are you keeping your dog’s nails trimmed?

      Our dog doesn’t sleep on our bed very often, but he tore a flannel comforter cover I swear just by looking at it.

    2. No, but I want to know the answer also. Our cats do a number on our bedding too, and I’m very hesitant to spend money on things that they just destroy. I will say that we have a super cheap cotton duvet cover from Ikea that’s held up remarkably well, I think because it’s a relatively coarse fabric that I just bought because I liked the pattern. It’s too warm for our house most of the year, though, and I haven’t been able to find one light enough for the rest of the time.

    3. When we had a dog, I got an inexpensive cotton coverlet from IKEA to drape over our duvet. It had texture so that the wear wasn’t obvious and looked nice enough that it didn’t bother me. I also always buy less expensive duvet covers in neutral colors from Target or IKEA and then splurge on pretty pillow shams to add interest since the dog never bothered the shams.

    4. I bought a light quilted cotton coverlet from Amazon and it’s held up quite well. But I don’t normally let the dog sleep on the bed at night (sometimes to let me sleep I ), he knows he’s only allowed up when I put that blanket on.

  12. Have any of you had under eye filler? Pros/cons? I’m 36 and I get Dysport occasionally. I do not like retinol: it causes extreme sun sensitivity. I’m sleep deprived and have lost some weight (due to stress) and I think that’s contributing to the dark circles. They’re not puffy. I have an appointment with my dermatologist but wanted to hear your experiences.

    1. My doctor filled my cheeks with a bit of filler which lasted several years and resolved the problem in a way that was less risky than under eye filler, which he tries to avoid. I was really pleased with the results. The filler also resolved a slight jowel I was getting from loss of volume with weight loss.

    2. My derm won’t do under eye (tear trough) filler, it is a VERY finicky procedure and he’s seen the filler migrate/had to disolve it on others too much to offer it himself. From the (very little) research I did you need a VERY skilled and highly trained injector and other options can generally be better/cheaper/more effective. What is your skincare routine? This seems like something I’d try to address with a good routine from somewhere like Paula’s choice + reusable under eye patches + more rest for 2-3 months and see how that helps. Fwiw, I’ve found there is very little value in ‘clinical grade’ skincare (marketing term, not an FDA approved term!) and would avoid the inevitable pitch for whatever line your dermatologist is selling.

    3. I love my under eye filler! I’ve always had dark under eye circles due to lack of fat in the area and made the leap to filler a few years ago. I did a ton of research and am of the opinion that if the issue is lack of fat and not discoloration, under eye filler is the only real solve for it. I haven’t experienced any migration or issues and I get it topped up yearly for about $700 each time–it’s pretty painless besides the numbing shots and is over in about 15 minutes. You definitely want it done at the plastic surgery center of a hospital by a PA or RN, not a med spa, and get someone that has done a lot of under eye fills in the past. It’s a delicate area so you want someone with a lot of experience with it.

    1. They have a reputation for being uncomfortable, at least in the beginning, so I never bought a pair. I find Tretorns to be comfortable and trendy looking. I also really like my new Soludos sneakers, made with a short of mesh-looking material (not athletic sneakers, just casual). They look like the Rothy’s sneakers but much cheaper.

      1. Just bought a pair of white sneakers from target. Really comfy, very cheap, and a few people already commented to ask where they were from. Highly recommend.

          1. Sorry for the late response, hope you get a chance to look back at this! It’s the Maddison sneaker. They run a touch big.

    2. I bought but returned because they cut up the back of my heels when I wore them around the house. I see tons of people wearing them though so maybe it’s just my feet!

      I got the soludos leather sneakers and they are super comfortable and soft but I don’t think they are super supportive — more so than converse but much less than a running sneakers. This works for me but maybe not for others. The Vejas were much more padded.

    3. Yes, I got the Campo style a few months ago and love them. Great for my foot shape (slightly narrow heel, wider but not “wide width” toe box). Required only minimal breaking in.

    4. I love my Vejas and they are my go-to casual sneakers now. I have two pairs of the Campo style. I am really surprised to hear people find them uncomfortable or irritating. That is the complete opposite of my experience. I look forward to putting them on. I also like my Solutdos, mentioned by another reader, but I am a sneaker hound so I have many, many pairs but currently wear the Vejas the most.

    5. I love Vejas– I have two Campos and a high top, and find them super comfortable. Sounds like I have a similar foot shape to Cat.

  14. I’m leaving my job in two weeks. I use a dependent care FSA to pay for daycare. Will I still have access to that money or do I lose it when I leave my job? I have to wait a couple of months so that enough accrues in the account to pay for a daycare month. I have about $1000 in it right now which is not enough to cover the monthly tuition.

    1. The answer to all FSA questions is that it depends on your employer… but you always lose it when you leave. The difference is that some give a grace period, some don’t. I’ve worked for both.

    3. Just ask your daycare to issue you two separate invoices maybe? One for $1000 and one for the rest? There must be a solution.

      1. This. Our FSA did not cover the entire daycare expense, so we just submitted reimbursement requests on the go. Whatever was in the FSA got transferred.
        So, let’s say daycare was $1,000 a month, but we only had $500 in our FSA yet, we still submitted the monthly bill of $1,000. It was processed and we got $500 paid out from the FSA. Once another $500 had accumulated in the FSA, I believe this was then automatically paid out as the reimbursement request was still partially open.

        1. That’s so strange because daycare costs more than what we are allowed to set aside. I like the plan of asking the daycare to issue a separate invoice.

        2. That seems totally bizarre. FSA limit is $5k and it’s hard to get daycare bills to add up to exactly that amount. For example, our daycare is $1100/month so according to that rule I would only be allowed to submit 4 bills and then $600 of my FSA would just…go to waste!? Have you called the plan administrator to confirm this, because I am highly skeptical they’re expecting people to waste hundreds of dollars every year because the bills don’t total the right amount.

      3. This. I have submitted invoices that were larger than what was in my account and my account just issued me a check for what was available.

    5. You can use what’s in there now to be reimbursed for a recent bill. It will automatically cover whatever it can. E.g., if you have $1k and you submit a $3k tuition bill, you’ll be reimbursed $1k.

    6. It’s employer specific but in most of mine, Dependent Care was earned on a per-paycheck basis vs health FSA was lump sum. So if I left in 2 weeks, I would only have what has been a cured so far.
      If you can’t get daycare to invoice it now, ask your employer how to handle it. There may be a grace period.

    7. I used to submit the full amount I paid and they would reimburse whatever was in the account.

  15. AITA? I live in Boston, grew up in New York. DH’s parents also live in Boston. 6 years ago, my parents moved to Alaska to retire. We visited one a year pre pandemic – one Christmas, two summers. They have come back to see us twice (one pre covid, once this summer). They want us to come see them for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and a milestone birthday in Q1 2023. I really… don’t want to. Transactional lawyer, November and December are always bananas and rural Alaska in the winter is dark, cold, and boring. I’ve offered plane tickets to them to see us, or a paid week vacation somewhere warm, or us to come visit in the summer. These have all been rejected.

    I’m getting a lot of “but your mother/father wants you home for Christmas / we made the last trip / you haven’t come seen us is years / you just don’t want to see us / you see your in laws every month” and I’m starting to wonder if I’m wrong by saying I don’t want to go. Any advice or reassurance? Am I wrong?

    1. NTA. Your parents must have realized that moving to rural Alaska would severely limit the visits you’d be able to make! I’d maybe attend the milestone birthday but skip the holidays.

      1. +100. This is a very weird thing on your parents’ part. And no, you are not wrong to not want to spend Christmas after an insane work season in rural Alaska!! Good grief.

    2. NTA. Alaska is far, cold and dark. When is the Q1 birthday? Is that possibly a compromise?

    3. Nope! “We’ve given you several options. Happy to see you here, to meet you someplace warm, or to go to Alaska in summer. We won’t be traveling to Alaska in winter. We see our in laws frequently because they didn’t retire to Alaska.” And that’s that.

    4. Absolutely NTA. If this were your childhood home, they might have more of a basis to guilt you. Since they’re the ones who decided to retire to the middle of nowhere, they get to experience the natural consequences of that choice. There are many grandparents whose grown children won’t even welcome them for a visit, let alone offer to pay for their tickets or a vacation. Sounds like they need a reality check.

    5. NTA. It’s not your home and you’ve offered to include them in holidays with your own family. If you have kids, that is a great reason – “we want the kids to experience christmas at home.” I would try to set expectation that you’ll visit once a year, at most.

    6. My guess is your parents are possibly having some feelings about their decision and how far it has left them from their family even though they were excited for their adventure to Alaska. Covid certainly wouldn’t have helped that.
      When I was in the military I got a fantastic piece of knowledge from one of my superiors – and now I remind myself of this when people try to guilt me in the reverse.

      If you choose to leave, you don’t get to be upset if other people don’t want to make extra efforts to come see you. You left, they didn’t. If you choose to leave and expand your life and see new things, that’s amazing for you, but they didn’t get a say in that decision. They haven’t changed anything. If you are missing them and its important to you, you need to get on a plane or get in your car and go see them. Being annoyed they aren’t dropping their life to come see you in your new adventure isn’t going to change anything other than leave you upset with them.

      This has carried me through 20 years of being the family member who left and lived on the other side of the country with major homebody parents. I lived in a place 5 years and they never saw it. Could I have been upset? Sure, but it would have just hurt our relationship. Instead I planned my 10 day trip home every year and brought lots of pictures and accepted that they were not the leave the farm to come see me in the city type.

      1. Yup. My parents are threatening to move to Florida and I told them very clearly that that is a decision to see their grandchildren exactly once a year. They seemed hurt but that’s the deal. I’m not schlephing the kids on a plane because they’re too cheap to pay taxes and no longer value decent bagels.

      2. That’s a really helpful way of looking at it, thank you! I’m happy with a once a year visit (or a bit more of work permits since I’m in Seattle pretty often for work and can pop up), and if they want more I’m happy to pay for tickets and they can get on the plane.

    7. Home for Christmas? That is not your home. I could see if it were your childhood home – but your home is the one you make….not wherever your parents choose to live.

      2. + 1 million. You’re an adult; your home is the place with your name on the mortgage or lease. It drives me crazy when parents act like their grown children need to “come home to family,” as if their actual homes and own spouses/children are just afterthoughts.

    9. NTA. My general rule of thumb is that if someone (parent or child) decides to move across the country from their family, then the burden is on them to visit. Especially when that place is hard to get to and otherwise undesirable like rural Alaska in the dead of winter. A cross country (and then some) flight 3x in a few months is an absurd ask, especially when a retired couple is asking a young working couple to do so.

      All of your compromises (paying for their flights, meeting somewhere else, visiting not in the dead of winter) are great ideas and very reasonable.

      Yes, you see your inlaws every month because your inlaws live in your city. I’m sure if your parents lived as close as your inlaws you’d also see them monthly, but they chose to move about as far away as they could.

      Also? Is rural Alaska your parents forever plan? Medically and logistically, that sounds like a nightmare. Not sure their financial situation (my suggestion would NOT fit with my parents financial situation, FWIW) but could you maybe encourage them to spend a month or so a year in Boston or NY? Or somewhere else? Either renting a place or ideally getting a condo that is both closer to you and closer to high quality medical care?

    10. NTA. They picked the place far away. Also, they are the retirees, which means by definition they have more flexible schedules (almost no matter what they are choosing to do with their time). Once a year seems like a very fair schedule on your part. If they want a second visit, they come to you.

    11. NTA. My parents live 5 hours away from me in an suburban area and I wouldn’t want to go visit them 3 times in the span of a few months! Rural Alaska, forget it. I think you were very generous by offering to pay their plane ticket to visit you.

    14. This sounds like beginning of a Hallmark movie where then you get stuck in Alaska, rediscover the spirit of Christmas and leave your corporate job to run a horse drawn sleigh company or something like that. Did your parents move there from upstate New York, the burbs, the city? I’m just fascinated as to why someone would choose to move to rural alaska

      1. Hahah and you meet a handsome man who breaks horses and had given up on love….until he met you..

      2. It really does! Although when we went for Christmas last time we did in fact get stuck for an extra 6 days, without power, sleeping on the futon next to the wood fireplace. I left with a renewed appreciation for my corporate job, stores i can walk to, and a husband who has sworn he is never ever going back there in winter.

        As to why… they lived there for about 10 years until I was a toddler, then came down south for work and I think have just always missed it. So when they retired they decided they wanted to go back. Definitely a change from the ‘burbs, but they seem really happy about it except for the fact that we don’t want to quit our lives and move up there with them.

    15. NTA. I’m the stereotypical Indian good daughter and even I would not visit 3x as requested above. Maybe I’d visit for the birthday….

  16. Calling Toronto ‘rettes. Flying into Pearson (YYZ) from NYC next week for a quick biz trip, haven’t been to your fair city in many years. Would appreciate your advice: taxi or Uber to get to my hotel (Radisson Blu downtown)? Rec’s for solo dinner near the hotel, preferably w/in walking distance? Not a fan of brew pubs/sports bar, otherwise open to cuisine, especially enjoy Asian.

    Have a 7am flight from YYZ (Terminal 3) to DFW on the 22nd, overnighting pre-flight at the Element Hotel. Do I need to be at the airport at 5am for security as per American Air? FWIW, traveling carry-on. Per the YYZ s*te, I can use the NEXUS kiosks as I have US Global Entry. Any info greatly appreciated!

    1. You should probably be there no later than 4am. Pearson was having massive issues a month ago when I flew in/out. I would have missed my flight if I had been only two hours early.

    2. YYZ is literally the worst airport in the world right now with massive delays so good luck!! Flying from Canada to the US is considered international travel here so you will need at least 3 hours.

      1. Oh no, so I should be grateful for my 5 hour layover coming from the UK and going onward to Montreal next week?

      2. If you’re a US citizen with Global Entry isn’t it not that bad? I thought Toronto and Ottawa both have US entry there so you clear both security and immigration before you get on the plane. Wouldn’t Global Entry with a carryon be NBD? (We last did this coming home from Aruba and saved like 1.5 hours vs. what the regular line looked to be…)

        1. Thanks, everyone. Heard that Pearson has been an ungodly mess of late, so will get to the terminal at 4am just to be safe. Can’t afford to miss the flight as I have to connect to another flight at DFW. Am hoping that the NEXUS/GOES kiosks shorten the process.

          1. I was the poster who was there about a month ago and needed three hours. The bulk of the delay was going through security line, which nexus/global entry holders had to wait in too. I also had only a carry on. I would add another hour if you are checking a bag.

        2. I assumed the delays were in the check in and security line. Agree customs with global entry should be no big deal but in most countries that’s not a pre-departure thing anyway (I realize Canada to the US is different). If you can check in online, I’d probably be comfortable with 2 hours. If you can’t check in online for some reason, definitely 3 hours. Those check in lines can be absolutely brutal. And I’m not a person who gets to the airport early for domestic flights at all – usually 45-60 minutes beforehand if I’m checked in and have carry-on only.

    3. Unless you are arriving outside Toronto rush hour, I would strongly, strongly suggest the UP Express to Union + a cab (or transit, or walking, depending on weather and your luggage) as a much faster alternative to get to your hotel. Traffic is particularly bad 7-8:30 am and 3:30-6 pm. Weekends are variable for timing but generally high traffic, both on the highway and once you are downtown.

      If your global entry (not sure what that is) counts as Nexus, you shouldn’t need to be at the airport crazy early. Nexus usually is v fast. General security can still be long and you don’t get to cut for that.

      In terms of nearby restaurants, my personal choice from that locale would we Pai as a walk-in, but know that you will have to wait. If they are letting people sit at the bar area you may not have to wait. I haven’t been, but have heard good things about Baro. Your location is tough for walking distance if you don’t want to do a pub thing.

    4. Bring your Global Entry card with you. I’m currently sitting in the Montréal airport and all of the Global Entry kiosks were out of service. The people without the physical card on them were waived over to the regular line which was over a hundred people deep.

      In general there seems to be a staff shortage here with only one baggage drop and a couple of ticket desks open. I’m not surprised to hear Toronto is in similar shape.

      1. Fun fact, your Global Entry card can also get you back into the US from Canada if you lose your passport! Ask me how I know…

        1. Thanks all for the advice and restaurant suggestions. Will definitely bring my Global Entry card in case the NEXUS kiosks are not in service!

    5. See if you can check what time customs opens in the morning – I haven’t flown that early in a few years but I believe it may not open until 5am so not worth sitting around for an hour in the airport until it opens

    6. There are not many restaurants near your hotel so I would walk up to King Street for lots more options. If you like Thai, Pai or Khao San Road are both good!

  17. Tipp for those of you having to test several family members frequently for Covid: To save on Covid tests, consider pooled testing. You can buy nasal swabs on Amazon, and combine several family members’ swabs in one vial of test solution (just swirl swabs in the solution one after the other and press out most liquid on the side of the tube). If the pooled test turns up positive, you’ll repeat with separate vials for everyone to identify the positive person.

    1. My kids did pooled test for school last year, so i’m not opposed to the concept … but are the home tests approved for that use? Presumably in a laboratory they have access to more solution, etc. to ensure the pooling works.

      1. Nope, home antigen tests are absolutely not approved for this use- PCR tests that a lab can do are much more sensitive and are reliable for pooled use, but antigen tests already struggle with false negatives.

        Please don’t do this.

    2. This seems unnecessary considering that insurance is mandated to cover eight tests per month per person.

      1. It’s a pain to get reimbursed by insurance. I’ve spend hundreds, if not thousands, on Covid tests since the beginning of the pandemic and have never gotten reimbursed.

        1. Does your insurance not have a mail order pharmacy with no upfront cost? I can place online orders for the tests and have them shipped to me for free…

        2. Double check this. Mine was initially a pain, but now you can go to a CVS and get 8 per person free each month or order them online, though you do have to pay a small amount for shipping.

        3. I have had good luck at CVS buying them at the pharmacy counter and they will run them through my insurance. It’s a bit time-consuming but way easier than filing a claim.

          1. Ah good to know, thanks. Our last big order of tests was obtained via delivery because my husband had Covid at the time, but next time I go into a CVS I’ll try to buy some using insurance.

      1. It’s an awful idea actually if the point of the test is to try to get true results, which is already a problem.

    4. Please don’t do this- you’re diluting your samples and raising the floor of false negative, which is already a problem with the antigen tests. Pooled testing is absolutely viable with PCR tests because they’re accurate enough to pick up a couple copies of RNA, but antigen tests are much much much less sensitive.

      The tests are so cheap and the government and your insurance companies will send you them- please please please do this instead.

      1. how are you diluting the samples, when the amount of solution is unchanged?

    5. TIL you can buy nose swabs on Amazon. Our much less sanitary version of pooled testing involved multiple people using the same nose swab (although we wouldn’t have done it if one or more family members had been symptomatic).

      2. What?!?! Eeewwwwww. Though I guess it’s a solid way to make sure that If someone has something – Covid or other – everyone will get to share!

  18. Does anyone use an electric blanket or wearable electric blanket type thing at work? I’ve not allowed to use a space heater and am so cold that I find it hard to focus. I get up often, take walks when I can but I am just SO COLD in the office.

    1. I have an electric heating pad that I sit on or place on my lap which really helps. I have an electric blanket at home and it is really cozy and keeps me from having to turn the heat on when it’s just me WFH.

    2. I bought the Ororo jacket based on recommendations here, and have been very happy. Multiple people got it after me and are happy too.

    3. Yep, I’ve used an electric blanket at work before! I just left it in my office all the time. But not the wearable kind, just a normal lap blanket.

    4. When I worked in a cold office, I kept an electric heating pad (like the kind you get from Walgreens for sore muscles) on the floor and rested my feet on it when I was freezing. My feet always freeze first, so having them warm and cozy made such a difference!

  19. Low stakes design Q for a Friday- we have an enclosed stairwell that leads to our second floor hallway and which all of the bedrooms/bathroom branch off of. We moved in almost 11 years ago and I had a newborn so in a haze of ‘too many decisions to make all at once!’ I just had it painted a putty colored beige thinking it would be inoffensive and hide dirt. The beige color is pretty dated at this point and we plan to paint the entire hallway after the holidays are over. I’m debating on painting it a warmer toned grey OR doing a vinyl grasscloth wallpaper (which look shockingly nice, I got samples of the Phillip Jeffries ones recently). I know the wallpaper will look more high end, and grasscloth is pretty classic but my husband is scared that it’s ‘too much’ and we wont’ like it. WWYD?

    1. Do it! I hate the grey that’s everywhere and I feel like when I paint a bold colour, I notice it for 3 weeks and never notice it again. Wallpaper is great for higher traffic area as well, it doesn’t seem to dent or scratch the way paint will when your child runs their cars into it.

    2. To me, grasscloth is the LBD of wallpaper and won’t look dated in the way other wallpapers might. I would go for it if you can get your husband on board!

      1. Tell me more about this grasscloth (and how it can be vinyl also — does that mean peel and stick?)? I am tired of my walls and yet have felt so burned by moving into places with horrid old peeling wallpaper. Maybe grasscloth is the answer? And what sort of rooms does it go in — a dining room? A bedroom? A den?

        ALSO: is there a Caroline Winkler video on this? She is helping awaken me to a world where maybe I can decorate my space well (vs decorate and feel like I have wasted a weekend and $ on things that aren’t quite right).

        1. There MAY be peel and stick but high end vinyl wallpaper is a (relatively) new thing that I first spotted at very fancy hotel hallways and asked about – apparently Phillip Jeffries started offering it about 10-15 years ago and they’ve been perfecting the look ever since. It looks VERY nice imho and unless you’re inches away from it/repeatedly petting it (things I did!) you really can’t tell the difference. It also is MUCH sturdier and apparently a bit easier to install.

        2. Check out “beingtheblooms” on instagram. Her account is all renter-friendly decor options and she reviews various peel-and-stick wallpapers.

      2. I disagree–grasscloth reminds me of the early ’80s and collects so much dust.

    4. Do you have pets or intend to get pets? If so, I would skip the grasscloth unless it’s a very tight weave. I have grasscloth in a powder room and my cats aren’t allowed in because apparently the wall looks like a scratching post.

      1. Oof, good point. We have a cat who does scratch at things (thankfully her favorite chair to destroy is an armchair from Wayfair). We have real grasscloth in our dining room above wall paneling (dunno what that set up is called but we have wood paneling for the bottom 2/3 of the wall to just above our buffet and then grass cloth the rest of the way up the ceiling). She has jumped on top of the buffet to sniff at it but hasn’t touched it so far (likely also because she gets shooed off the buffet when we see her on it).
        I would think the vinyl wallpaper would be sturdier? I can certainly ask for a bigger sample from our design center. They already know me as the crazy lady with the kids/pets – when we ordered carpet runners I raked the samples with keys/a pet brush/crumpled it up/poured juice on it to try to simulate damage from claws and kids.

        1. I tried that destruction thing with marble (grape jelly + ketchup + Texas Pete + coffee, all from our work refreshment area). Decided on honed vs polished marble after a few rounds of this.

        2. God I wish my cats would just destroy the cheap stuff. We put hardwoods in our living room because they destroyed the carpet and got a nice rug because “they’ve never scratched any of the wool rugs before.” Guess who noticed damage on the edge of the rug yesterday? It’s a good thing they’re cute…
          I would hope the vinyl would be sturdier, but I’d definitely try a “scratch test” before you order it (the wood paneling on just the bottom is called wainscotting)

    5. How long do you plan on being in this house? Removing wallpaper is a PITA, so I’d only plan on putting it up if I plan on never ever taking it down.

      I think a small space (especially a stairwell that you’re passing through but not sitting in and staring at the walls) is a great option for a fun, bold color too!

      1. This is our forever house (barring serious illness/major unforseen circumstances) so we’ve decided to finally pull the trigger on all the tweaks/upgrades that I’d been putting off while we dithered on stay here or go bigger. We can’t afford to do everything at once but on my list for next year is painting or papering the hallway, roman shades for the downstairs rooms (3 rooms in total) and replacing the carpet in our bedroom. I think these sorts of under $5k changes my sweet spot, enough money that you can get a ‘reveal’ and tell the difference when you’re done, but not enough that I’m losing sleep over dealing with major renovations/freaking out that I will regret what I’ve picked.

  20. Favorite thermos or other vessel for bringing soup to work?

    I’m fine keeping it hot in a thermos or packing in a microwave safe container and using the microwave at to heat it up. I don’t like the tall thermoses, would prefer something bowl shaped.

    1. For my kids, I have one that maybe holds two cups and comes with a lid you can use as a bowl and a foldable spoon (which they use to reach to the bottom and don’t bother with the lid part). They are look like a fat silver soda can and I got mine at Target I think? They go in the dishwasher and 5+ years on they all still are workhorses.

      1. My kids have these too. My daughter went through a spaghetti-o’ phase as a middle schooler after visiting her grandma who also loves them, so she’d microwave them in a glass bowl and stick them in that target built-in-spoon thermos in the morning, and they were often still too hot at lunch time.

    2. I freeze the soup in individually-portioned microwave safe containers, then grab a container of frozen soup in the morning and take it to work. Obviously never have to worry about spills, and since I have easy access to a microwave, it’s no problem to heat it up.

      1. I’m going to have to re-evaluate this! I freeze my soups in individual containers (the type that Chinese restaurants serve soup in; I bought a bunch on Amazon). They’re microwavable, but I prefer to not microwave in plastic and I think the container might get too hot to carry?

        I had been thawing at home (in the fridge for a day) and then transporting, but I like the idea of thawing at work to minimize spills!

        1. Not the person you’re responding to but I also don’t like to microwave plastic. The Pyrex bowls with plastic or silicone lids are great for this. Then you can eat it right out of the pyrex.

          1. duh! I love my pyrex with the blue lids! I will still need to store (in fridge or freezer) in plastic* but can obviously transfer to the pyrex for bringing to work!

            *Alas, I am not yet on a Pyrex for everything budget. But one day I will be :)

      1. Thank you! I think “jar” is definitely the right search term for me here.

        I just really dislike the thermoses that are too tall for a normal spoon and you have to pour into the little cup it comes with, so this might work.

      2. And yes – I’m SUCH a summer person that football and soup is the only thing that pulls me out of my end of summer depression.

    5. I bring the can and a normal bowl to heat it up at work. I once spilled soup in my purse and now I never will again.

      1. It’s homemade soup! I could consider bringing in a bowl and keeping it at my desk for days I bring in soup (which saves the reheating issue).

      1. Embarrassed to say, but that never occurred to me! I guess I could keep a bowl at work and wash it out each day

    8. I have an insulated lunch container from the brand Hello! that I got at our local Asian grocery store. It’s big enough for a full serving of soup and shallow enough that I can eat out of it. It also has a handle! Unfortunately I can’t find it in the internet, but if you are ever at HMart or some such Asian grocery store, they usually have some really nice options for lunch packing.

    10. Both Stanley and Thermos offer food thermoses in different sizes. They are short and wide, otherwise normal.

      Look at a camping store.

  21. I’m super over my industry. I’m bored to death and I don’t feel like I’m doing anything meaningful. I work in banking compliance, but I’m not a lawyer. I’m single, childfree, and interested in getting a graduate degree that could propel me into a new industry, but I’m at a loss for what to pursue, academically or job-wise. I very much enjoy writing and learned over the past couple years that I enjoy teaching as well. In general, I’d like to help people more, specifically women, but I don’t have any ideas further than that.

    I’ve been in banking about 10 years and I live in DC. What would you do in this situation? Go to a career coach?

    1. My two cents: you don’t need a graduate degree to propel you into a new industry.

      Are you over banking, compliance, or both? if you are okay with the nuts-and-bolts of compliance, you can start applying to compliance roles in other industries and work there while you make a plan for a long term change.

    2. I don’t know much about your industry but I”m sure there’s something in the federal government that aligns with your experience (since you’re in DC). For banking there’s the obvious choices (treasury, FDIC, SEC, etc) but also check out USAID (my former agency, so I am biased). There’s obviously grant work and compliance/diligence work but also they do a lot of work with funding initiatives overseas. Also check out the Millennium Challenge Corporation, and I’m sure State has similar initiatives. You can probably find something that pays pretty well, is interesting work and is feel good work.

      As for combining banking+ writing, there are no shortage of grant writer or grant administrator jobs in government and NGOs. Less hands on “I’m doing good work” but the grants often fund meaningful projects. Lots of compliance work in grants too.

    3. I mean, a JD is the obvious choice, since you live in lawyer Hollywood. Any interest there? If your scores are good, you may be able to get it funded, and plenty of the elite DC programs have evening school if you want to keep working. Lawyers do a TON of writing, and of course there are lots of formal and informal options for teaching as a lawyer. Clients always need training on how not to get themselves in trouble! :)

      2. Yes, that has been a thought. I actually took the LSAT, but I didn’t do well and would need to retake it. I’m a little intimated by the application process.

        1. You could try working as a paralegal at a law firm. There are many open positions that relate to finance, banking, compliance, regulatory, etc. You may find that the pay is quite good for someone with your experience level and doesn’t require the investment of a law degree.

      3. PLEASE don’t go to law school because you like writing and have a vague desire to help people. There are so many other ways to do this that don’t cost $200k+ and three years of your life. You should only go to law school if you’re confident you want to practice law. Full stop.

        1. This. Also, an extra bad idea if you aren’t going well on the LSAT. Low LsAT scores strongly correlate to low bar pass rates and poor 1L performance.

    4. Do you know anyone who works in something like the following and would have a conversation with you about it?
      – development/grant work for nonprofits (writing! making a difference! could get a job at a women-specific org!)
      – communications for an association or organization (ie a media manager? comms director for govt or nonprofit?)
      – finance or operations for an org? (thinking of your finance background)?

      none of those things would require getting a new graduate degree necessarily.

      1. finance/ banking here.

        if you like writing there are plenty of jobs for you from Regulatory responses, strategy documents, documentation without leaving banking

  22. Anyone have any tricks for breaking in new casual sneakers? The Boden pair I bought at the start of 2021 are falling apart and I bought a pair of Adidas Superstars… and on the first wear they shredded my feet. Specifically, at the top of the heels, the little ‘tab’ bit is rubbing my Achilles. Should I be putting a gel pad in the heel (below the foot), or those little suede things that cup the heel from behind, or…?

    1. I stick moleskin on the hot spot until I break shoes in. But honestly I’ve never had that problem with sneakers, just flats and loafers. I’d consider returning – they might not be the right shoes for your feet.

      1. I’ve worn them outside now so can’t return – their running shoes fit me really well so I made the assumption their casual sneakers would as well. Will persevere with softening the offending part of the shoe (and take my older worn out shoes on holiday instead next week!)

    2. I have the same problem with Adidas, they’re a little stained from the blood. I just keep wearing bandaids until they’re broken in

    4. I’ve had Achilles tendon issues and I think my heels are now just shaped a little funny. I’ve finally learned that if shoes don’t fit right here, they’re always going to be painful. I’ve tried all the pads and moleskin and none of it really helps.

  23. North shore of chicago peeps – coming from out of state tomorrow with my 4 year old and 70 year old parents to visit the botanic garden in Glencoe. Are there any nice lakefront areas we could visit afterwards that are nearby and don’t require a long walk from the parking area? We don’t want to drive into the city itself.

  24. I was talking with a friend about male allyship in the workplace and we were wondering: What examples of prominent people (politics, sports, media, etc) have you seen that have a bigger impact than just a male ally at a random company? We couldn’t think of any :/

    1. Serena Williams’ husband Alexis Ohanian was vocal about the importance of paternity leave. I believe he was a tech executive at the time.

    2. Formula1 driver Valtteri Bottas being a massive supporter of his girlfriend’s professional cycling career and talking frequently, publicly, and respectfully about her as an athlete and women’s cycling generally.

      1. I love him so much! I also love how frequently he seems to take his clothes off for Instagram :)

        1. He is my fave, both because he is super hot and also because he is such an excited nerd whenever he goes to watch her race. It’s adorable.

      2. Same sport. Lewis Hamilton, who is a massive supporter of women in racing, women working in racing (like engineers) and women athletes in general.

    4. I really like that Andy Murray always reminds interviewers that the women of tennis are amazingly impressive

      1. This – Andy Murray popped into my head immediately, he’s been a staunch advocate and called out interviewers live for ‘forgetting’ women’s titles/achievements.

  25. Any advice on maskne? I’ve been masked for two long things recently – a very long, crowded funeral and reception, and a cross-country flight – and I have a breakout that won’t quit. I actually saw a dermatologist and he called it pustular rosacea and told me to go gluten free (looking for a new dermatologist- he was an all around weirdo, and I’m 95% gluten free already).

    It was fading after the funeral and derm visit but then came back with a vengeance after the flight. I really do think it’s the mask, or not the mask itself but the sort of warm moist environment under the mask. What worked for you?

    1. Get a different derm. Being alive triggers rosacea. I’m doing Soolantra and Azalaeic acid and have done one v-beam laser treatment. Looks like it will be my new way of life. So far, it’s not gotten worse, but it’s pretty bad.

      1. How’s the soolantra? I’ve done laser in the past (also v beam) for redness but it comes back.

        I currently do metrogel in the am and a compounded azelaic acid and tretinoin in the evening.

        1. It’s not hurting and I may be past peak breakout but I’m just a month in. My derm said I should plan on annual vbeams because rosacea doesn’t go away — you have to keep treating it after the initial treatment. But it doesn’t look like I had a case of the boils anymore (like ever place I didn’t have acne as a teen erupting in anger).

    2. The Trader Joe’s facial cleansing pads that are soaked in witch hazel and tea tree oil. Witch hazel might sound woo-woo, but it has a lot more legitimacy than a lot of other “natural” remedies. For me, it was the first thing that actually reduced redness. Plus, witch hazel products are inexpensive enough that you can try some without spending a fortune.

    3. I’m confused by why he said gluten-free for pustular rosacea. But 95% gluten free is definitely not gluten-free enough for dermatitis herpetiformis. For all I know he was mixing them up!

      Absolutely nothing works for rosacea for me, but there are a lot of things to try, and it sounds like you haven’t tried much yet.

      1. Ok I had to look up dermatitis herpetiformis. It definitely doesn’t look like that and in grateful! Honestly it just looks like regular acne.

        1. Maybe it is regular acne if the derm had no clue!

          Benzoyl peroxide washes and topical zinc are my standbys for mild/situational acne.

      2. Has your derm suggested sulfur? I learned recently my family has rosacea/eczema and my dad was shocked I’d never gotten it before so I asked my derm – turns out what I thought was acne was likely rosacea but when I said I’d just been doing sulfur ointment plus pimple patches she said that was as good or better than anything she might prescribe. The issue is that it’s stinky and messy so she found that people tend to prefer to nicely formulated prescription stuff but the cheap kind works as well if not better!

    4. I feel like a broken record but as I currently am sitting here with it on my face after a week of business travel and masking – Sulfur Ointment! De la cruz tubs, super cheap, on amazon and at drugstores. Thin film for 10-15 minutes 1-2x daily and wash off. Then I stick a pimple patch on them (if I can get away with being cameras off I’ll wear them all day and change them before bed). They’re gone in 2-3 days that way.

    5. When my maskne was first breaking out, someone mentioned using mouthwash more regularly and that really helped to calm it down. It doesn’t hit quite as often, but when I find I’m masked up much more, I do revert to making sure I use mouthwash a bit more.

  26. Any thoughts on the Cuyana Weekender bag or any work appropriate travel bag?
    I have to soon start traveling again for work – mostly 1.5 day trip (leaving in the afternoon for a full-day meeting the day after and taking a flight back home after). I used to travel with a carry-on, a laptop bag and a purse and I find this too much now.
    I think the Weekender could be used as a travel bag and laptop bag.

    2. I just bought the canvas one in sand and will use it for the first time this weekend. The way the compartments are made would make it a suitable laptop bag substitute. It may look a bit large at a meeting, unless you’re used to bring your carry on than I don’t think it would matter. It’s a beautifuly made simple classic bag. The leather one is very nice as well but it’s over a pound heavier than the canvas one.

    3. I love the weekender. I’ve had mine for years – I think since the first year Cuyana offered it.

      I will admit I mostly use my roller bag (Tumi) for travel but if I were going somewhere for a day or two the day weekender would be it. Especially for a car trip.

    4. Honestly, I’d get a backpack. It’s really cumbersome to carry a large over the shoulder bag and I don’t like walking through airports, etc. with them. It’s awkward and uncomfortable.

    5. For plane travel, I dislike the Cuyana because I don’t like carrying a bag through the airport, roller board for the win. For a car weekend away, it’s fine.

  27. I am finding that I listen to music ever increasingly as a streaming radio station. I have a few go to stations, but thought I might find a few more. Online searches provide overwhelming results so I thought I’d ask the hive: What are your favorite radio stations?

    Here are mine:
    -WWOZ – public radio based in the French Quarter, playing mostly New Orleans style music
    -WBGO – Newark public radio, playing classic jazz
    -WQXR – NYC public radio, playing classical music
    -WJAB – Alabama A&M, public HBCU est. 1875, playing groovy jazz and blues
    -WRLT – Nashville independent commercial station, good place to hear local bands smashed up against The Rolling Stones or whatever. It’s unformatted.

    1. We listen to the University of Southern California classical station, and to the College of San Mateo jazz station.

    2. WXPN, public radio from UPenn. The have a nice variety of music genres and local shows. They also play some NPR syndicated shows like Mountain Stage.

    3. KCRW – public radio Santa Monica. The music stream is what I think of non-irritating newer pop. Stuff like The War on Drugs, Vampire Weekend, First Aid Kit. More electronica or hip-hop depending on the DJ.

      KJAZZ – public radio from Long Beach, CA. Really good jazz – nice mix of old standards and newer stuff.

    4. NC State’s student radio is quirkily eclectic and I’ll listen to it sometimes: https://wknc.org/listen/
      Also our local NPR station, WUNC, is wonderful but doesn’t do a whole lot of music, but they have a celtic hour on sunday evenings I’ll listen to (also do bluegrass on the weekends if that’s your thing)

    5. Highly recommend CBC Music, which has an outstanding weeknight music 9 PM – 1 AM eastern. Some of their earlier evening stuff is also good but more niche (an hour for music by indigenous artists, hour for music by black artists).

    6. WFUV is fordham university public radio from nyc. It’s a pretty great mix of old and new folk and Americana and pop. It’s very popular with cool baby boomers and those they raised (me!) on Sunday I skip the church broadcast but I can get into the folk Irish music.

  28. Gah, wee rant:
    I spilled the baby beans at work today, and everyone was very nice, but the partner over my team said something weird about how he’d sort of had an idea between all the doctor’s appointments and my “pregnancy fog.” ?!?! I am trying so hard to be a good employee in this super tough industry and battling my stupid ADHD, and I just feel like I cannot win. Tell me it’s gonna be all right?

    1. Ugh why would he say that??

      I guess in his awful mind you have an excuse for anything he “has an idea about” for a while now. I’m sure there were people internally wincing when he said that.

    2. Ugh! My boss said he knew because he could see my bump, which didn’t make me feel great but at least he wasn’t criticizing my performance (and I did tell pretty late – 16 weeks-ish). I’m sorry. Some people are just thoughtless.

    3. Congrats but a major WTF to that guy. I got so annoyed by any pregnancy brain/fog comments at work. I actually felt mentally very with it through my whole and it’s just an inappropriate comment to make. People seem to lose their filter with pregnant women.

    6. It’s been a while since I was pregnant but for my last pregnancy I told my boss at 13 weeks and he said “did you think I was blind?” I didn’t really think I was showing yet (still in regular clothing) so I felt like he was just saying I was fat. Thanks, boss.

      1. Well, I have never had someone announce her pregnancy to me and had it be a surprise. I can always tell physically and I think women don’t realize all their tells.

        1. Okay, but the appropriate response to this news is “I’m so happy for you” and no mention of how you’ve been creeping on a woman’s body!

          1. Exactly. I’m pretty good at guessing but it’s not something I share with the person!

        2. Nothing excuses rudeness. I have a friend who is an outstanding nurse, and she took one look at me and knew. Okay, it’s her literal job to assess people! Another woman said she “just had a feeling.” It is also part of her job (performing security) to size people up.

          The people who stared at my stomach, counted my meals, monitored my coffee and water intake, and got obnoxious were not doing so because I had “tells.” There’s no need to put effort into finding out the obvious.

          1. Agreed, and I have certainly never (a) said I knew or (b) made any effort whatsoever to confirm a suspicion or track someone’s activities. But people are really really bad at keeping secrets, especially the ones they actually want to be public knowledge sooner rather than later. Don’t sit in your office for 8 weeks massaging your tummy while staring off in space and then go around outside of work pretending you are really trying to hide something.

    7. Thanks all. I am just so tired of second-guessing myself and my abilities. I blasted TS’ The Man on the way back from lunch, where I got a big hug from my husband (who also helpfully called the guy a triple bubblegum dum dum), and that plus all of your comments makes me feel much better.

      1. Triple bubblegum dum dum! I love it! Where has this name been all of my life?! I don’t usually resort to name-calling, but there are times/places where I’ve needed this kind of name to express myself…

  29. Am I apologizing too much or are men just more “confident”? I am a senior associate managing a few juniors/midlevels that are younger men. I notice they never apologize even when there is a mistake.
    For instance, this midlevel left off someone from the client side off an email chain. The GC sent an email to him plus me and the partner saying you have to make sure this person is copied on all emails. If I had received this email, I would have said sorry about that and will do. He just went, got it. Then I asked him to respond over a chain to copy that person in and instructed him to say sorry for leaving you off so and so, adding you to the chain. He again ignored the apology part and just said adding this person.
    This is a minor example I know but this happens all the time. Even when I tell them to say sorry for the mess up, they don’t. So am I apologizing too much?

    1. I feel you about the general sentiment but i think in those two examples i would not say sorry. leaving someone off a chain and then having to add them back in isn’t that big of a deal.

    2. Agree – I get this generally, but in those small examples I don’t think an apology is warranted.

    3. For things like this, I would not apologize either. I would say to the GC “Thanks for the reminder, will do” and when copying the person in “Adding Jane, who I accidentally omitted earlier.”

      1. +1
        Acknowledges your error, but there’s no need to be “sorry” for really minor mistakes that everyone makes!

    4. Never apologize for minor things. Say “thank you” instead–thank you for your patience, thank you for pointing that out, etc.

    5. I often feel that women apologize too much in the workplace and sometimes won’t let a mistake go, feeling like they have to keep making up for it. When I was more junior in my career, I noticed the I rarely saw men do this and they would just let things go when they made an error and never bring it back up. My script since has been to acknowledge the error and say some form of, “Thank you for bringing this to my attention. We will correct X.” To me, that allows me to take accountability without doing any of the groveling that I sometimes see and that is unnecessary.

      Of course, there are times when you make a mistake and need to apologize. I see the difference as: there is a performance issue (in which case, acknowledge, correct it, and move on without apology) vs. when it is a conduct/behavior issue like putting your foot in your mouth or snapping at someone when you have a bad day (in which case, actually apologize).

    7. Honestly, associates who don’t apologize for their mistakes are one of my husband’s biggest pet peeves (he’s a biglaw partner), and he’s complained about both men and women in that respect. It might be more common with men but I do think that in general there is a certain personality type that turns up a lot in biglaw that, regardless of gender, is slightly low on emotional intelligence and doesn’t recognize when apologies are appropriate. It probably helps in terms of keeping those people from marinating in guilt over mistakes, but it hurts in terms of other things.

    8. Since you manage this person I think the calculus is a little different – you told him to apologize in the message and he didn’t. I agree with others that this generally wouldn’t merit an apology, but you know the relationship with the client. If the missing apology is truly an issue and part of a pattern with this employee, I’d address it with him again. Otherwise I’d let it go.

  30. PSA: If you are going to include someone as the contact on your out-of-office email, PLEASE make sure that person is not also going to be out of office.

    Signed, in-house counsel who got bounced to three different secretaries today until I found someone who could help in my outside counsel’s absence.

    1. Okay, I’ll definitely make sure nobody gets sick or has any kind of emergency that might take them out of the office. Especially during a pandemic.

      1. Obviously that isn’t what I’m talking about. But it should be basic to make sure that if you’re a biglaw partner who is going to be out of office that you have checked that your assistant is not also going to be on vacation before you direct people to her. Because sometimes clients do have real, same-day emergencies that need responses, and by emergencies I mean the kind that land us in violation of a court order if not addressed by 5 PM just to give an example.

    2. Co-Signed! And I am not talking about someone being sick or out for a day. I am talking about emailing the suggested contact and getting a vacation OOO from that person – which left me leaving messages for a half-dozen people because sometimes I really do actually need to talk to my lawyer TODAY.

    3. In my current (dysfunctional) environment, I have been repeatedly been identified as the “out of office contact” for (1) issues I don’t actually support; and (2) in one case, by someone I’d never communicated with before. OOO can be WILD.

  31. I’ve been married to DH for over 15 years. We are classic extrovert/introvert. I enjoy meeting people and learning about them, while he hates small talk and dislikes socializing with others. This puts me in a weird situation when, every week after our religious services, he pressures me to not socialize with people but to get going on our day of kids/chores/home. E.g., I may be in the middle of a conversation with someone and I will see him head to the car. Same thing with dinner parties, work parties, etc. I serve on a board of a foundation that has annual banquets but also smaller group meetings with donors that have great food and company and in nice settings but after the meal is over, DH wants to leave right away. Is the solution to this for me to just go by myself to these events? People will inevitably ask about him – what do I say that won’t make him look bad? Just say he’s working or home with the kids (kids are now teenagers who can stay home on their own). I know that it’s not all about me, and yes, this was a price of admission – he is a great dad, has a great career (he went to a top “B-school” where it was all about networking), and is a supportive spouse, but yet I feel disappointed every time I am excited to go out to some event and his attitude is, “Do I have to go?” or “Can we leave quickly?” or worse, “Is this required (i.e., do you have to go)?”

    1. Take. Two. Cars. It’s actually so easy. You can stay at church. He can leave.

    2. Do you have two cars? Can you drive separately? Is there a friend who lives near you who can drive you home?

      I am also and E married to an I, and my husband puts up with it better than yours does, but he still doesn’t want to socialize as much as I do. So he doesn’t go to all events, we divide and conquer a lot – you can always say he’s doing something with the kids – and that way we each get what he needs.

      What does drive me crazy is when a grumpy introvert (not saying all introverts) think what we are doing is useless gabbing. We need it, just like introverts need time to recharge!

    3. Yes, the answer is to leave him at home. People aren’t going to ask you why he’s not there to judge, just out of curiosity/small talk. Just say he couldn’t make it, you don’t have to give more of an explanation than that.

      I’d be annoyed about the church part, though. The community is a big part of the reason why people go! He can suck it up for half an hour or whatever.

      1. yeah other than the church part, you would probably both be happier if you can let go of the expectation that he joins you for these things. You know it makes him miserable, what’s the point in dragging him there? He is otherwise a supportive spouse. So, you don’t share that particular thing. You will have more fun as well if you don’t have to pick between him being at the event, uncomfortable, and cutting short your socializing. Let it go!

      2. From an introvert perspective, church is somehow worse than every other undesirable social setting. The community is a big part of why I quit going.

    4. Can you drive separately? I think this is one of those things where sometimes you go together and he has to be social, sometimes he stays home, and sometimes he goes for a short time and then ducks out early while you linger. You just need to figure out a balance between these options that works for both of you.

    5. If you go alone, can’t you just say he’s an introvert and doesn’t enjoy these things as much as you do? I’m an introvert, and I’d be fine with that explanation but maybe I’m off base.

    6. I’m the more introverted one in my relationship and I kind of sympathize with your husband here. I don’t mind socializing at dinner parties/school events/MY work events – places where I know people and have enough commonality to have interesting chit chat or I can see the value of building a relationship over time (like with my work network, school parents, etc.). Small talk with people I don’t know, that aren’t in my line of work, and who I probably won’t see again after would be my idea of hell. I’d do it for my spouse if it was really important but it would be draining and I’d draw the line after a certain point.
      Ideas on how to make him more likely to come – pick which ones are most important – why does he need to go to ALL the dinners for your board, can’t he go to the gala and then you go to the small ones, or maybe 1-2/yr? I also have an easier time going to events with things to do – cocktails and a play or making up lunches/stockings for community service events vs. pure chit chat for 3 hours. Give him a timeline – we need to stay till 9pm, then we can leave. Think about what else you’re committed to – I can handle ONE big event in a weekend (even with people I like!) – a dinner party on Friday plus cocktails on Saturday plus 30 minutes of church chitchat on Sunday when I know we have errands to run and I am going to be very crabby. I ‘joke’ that I’m happiest when I don’t have to leave my home on Sundays – I want a full day to relax, recharge, and set myself up for the week without feeling drained.

      1. YES to your last sentence. When I don’t get enough recharge time on Sunday, it affects me for the rest of the week. I hate that I’m wired this way, but it is the reality!

    7. Yes, go by yourself, or go together and let him leave early. You can just say that he left early/had something to do/is tired and doesn’t really want to talk to your work colleagues.

      If he goes to the car, is he anxious to leave? I would probably let him sit in the car with his phone.

    8. I would include him on the annual banquets and use the smaller group meetings to invite potential junior board members as your “date” to get exposure to the organization. When you’d like him to attend, would it help to tell him that you’d like to stay for dessert and coffee or specify that you’d like to opportunity to catch up with colleagues after dinner, until 9 pm?

    9. As far as the church thing goes, so what if he heads to the car? Keep on socializing for a bit, and join him when you can.

      I’m the more introverted one in our relationship, and I will tell you that DH’s work events are t o r t u r e. These are not my people, I run out of small-talk topics pretty quickly, and feel pressured to make a good impression for DH’s sake. That is draining. Our compromise is that I will go to the most important events in a calendar year, but not every single one. I want to save my social energy for when and where it really counts (with our loved ones and kids, not everyone in the community). If I socialize too much during the weekend, even with people I like, I have almost a hangover effect on Sunday night and Monday morning, and it is not pleasant for anyone.

      You’re not wrong, he’s not wrong. You are different people, and that’s OK. You don’t need to be joined at the hip.

      1. I agree. This was a dealbreaker for me. It annoyed me to no end and going by myself to everything wasn’t and isn’t an option.

    11. I agree with the advice you’ve gotten so far, but I’d also say that once you’ve built in some escape hatches for him to not go to all of these events, you request that he stop replying to your excited invites with “do I hafta? how soon can we leave?” and instead politely tell you, “I’m not going to be good company; you go and enjoy yourself.” It’s not characteristic of a supportive spouse to be so teenagery about something the other is passionate about.

      1. +1 I’m guessing that maybe some of your disapointment is that it would be fun for you to go to an event with someone who was as happily anticipatory as you were, and to drive home from the event happily chatting about it and processing about all the stuff that just happened, and it would be a lot of fun for you if that someone was the man you love and married. And that you’re feeling sad and lonely because instead of an active, happy partner, you merely have a reluctant, negative, deflating lump. I think he needs to stop downtalking this stuff, and you need to stop trying to get him to share your excitement. After 15 years, if he was going to change regarding this, he would have by now.

    12. If it’s been 15 years, and you’re still getting disappointed that he doesn’t share your excitement, that’s where I would focus. He’s NEVER going to share your excitement. Are there some things you could do for yourself that would help you come to terms with this? Because he’s not going to change, and you’ll keep getting disappointed again and again if you somehow expect that when you’re making plans and are looking forward to all the fun ahead, he is going to join you in that happy anticipation. He is ALSO anticipating the event . . . but his expectations are about how painful it’s going to be, not how enjoyable it will be.

      He’s not wrong. Your way isn’t the right way. You two are just different.

    13. Take two cars. After thirty years of arguing my parents realized they’re much happier driving separately. The extrovert gets to socialize guilt-free and the introvert gets to leave when they’re feeling tapped out. Bonus: no more arguments about what time to leave the house.

    14. Drive separately.

      Fellow introvert here. It doesn’t mean we’re completely antisocial or shy, just that we have a socializing capacity that’s lower than yours. I use my ‘social battery’ on family, friends, neighbors, and coworkers. I guard any extras very tightly so I don’t start the week feeling depleted or behind. I’m guessing your husband just wants downtime with the family and doesn’t want to waste any ‘battery’ on random chitchat.

    15. Why do you think he will “look bad” for not wanting to socialize? My mom was the only extrovert in a family of five. I spent my childhood waiting for her to stop socializing so we could leave places.

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