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Updated: Oct 5, 2020 387 Comments · by

Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Cashmere Cable Cardigan

The Personal Shopper (TPS) |

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White + Warren makes such lovely cashmere pieces. Their cashmere travel wrap has been with me for three different jobs and wildly different office climates.

This camel cardigan looks like it would be an equally versatile piece. I would keep this in the office to throw over any outfit — it look would look great with black, navy, or gray.

The sweater is $325 and available in sizes XS–L at White & Warren, Shopbop, and Amazon. It also comes in pearl white.

A more affordable option is from Garnet Hill; it's currently on sale for $170 (from $229) and comes in seven colors in XS–XL.

Sales of note for 9.10.24

Sales of note for 9.10.24

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About Elizabeth

Elizabeth is a 30-something lawyer living on the East Coast. She spent seven years as a Biglaw associate in NYC, three years as a partner at a medium-sized firm, and is now in-house counsel for a large company. She loves Diet Coke, '90s sitcoms, and dresses with pockets.

Comments

  1. Diplomas Gathering Dust

    Has anyone thrown away their framed diplomas, bar admission certificates, etc? I had them all professionally framed years ago; they have not seen the light of day since I left law firm practice in the early 90’s. I am considering just having the actual diploma scanned (just in case). Anyone done this? Any regrets? I am trying to rid my life of so much “stuff” and having these just sit around seems silly.

    • Anonymous

      If you want to minimize, I’d keep the actual diplomas in a file folder with your other important documents. Toss/donate the frames.

      • Anonymous

        Hahaha. My institution issues massive diplomas. A file folder would be comical. But I have never taken mine out of the scroll tubes they came in.

    • Cat

      You could always just take them out of the frame and store them more easily? If they are too large to be stored with other paper files, grab a shipping tube and roll them up together?

    • Anonymous

      This is where if it matted, I think you can gather up the mats / diplomas and put it in an artist’s portfolio. Or same with just the diplomas, etc. absent the mats. I have some sheepskin diplomas and the backing may be permanent at this point.

      I don’t have a home office, but if I didn’t have a work office, I’d consider putting in the powder room since there is abundant wall space and I’ve never been able to budget-wise justify decorating that space or even paying for framing. Isn’t that what the EGOT does with their statuettes?

    • Airplane.

      This would be low on my list of things to get rid of. I would regre this if I got rid of them in cleaning binge. They represent a big accomplishment! Can you hang them in your office, your home office or your workplace? If not, I’d do what Cat suggests and do the paper roll.

    • Equestrian+Attorney

      Yeah I don’t think you need them framed on the wall, but I would keep the originals in an envelope somewhere. My university makes it very hard to order new originals if you ever need them.

      • Anonymous

        NYU sent a piece of paper with mine saying under no circumstances would they give me another one. Most places just care about transcripts but my mom worked overseas for a while where they actually wanted to see her diploma.

    • Anonymous

      I scanned mine and keep the originals in a binder/file folder. I am only ten years out and only hung them up at one job, I prefer real decor (but don’t judge people who want them on the wall).

      • Anon

        I agree! I have real paintings in my office and back when I went into the office, I did enjoy them!

      • Anon

        I’ve always had an office outside of home and always displayed my framed diplomas and bar admission certificate there. Is this passe now? The frames I have are very simply frames that I can repurpose for another use – it never even occurred to me that I don’t need these on display at work!

        • Vicky Austin

          I don’t think it’s passe, but if you don’t want them up/would like something else better, you should go for it!

        • Anonymous

          I think this is a very workplace-by-workplace thing. My office (not law), many (to most) people have diplomas framed and hung, especially post-grad degrees. In my husband’s law office, no one hangs them up.

        • Cat

          Office by office. In my legal department almost everyone has their diplomas and bar certificates hung. It’s kind of self perpetuating at this point – and it’s a way to get them out of your house!

    • Anonymous

      I would take them out of the frames and keep the documents. I have needed my diplomas once or twice.

    • Anonymous

      I’ve actually had jobs (major pharma) that required I bring copies of my diploma on my first day. I wouldn’t get rid of them because it can take a while to order new ones if you run into a crazy employer.

      • Clementine

        I also had a job where to get a higher pay grade (government) I had to either send in an official copy of my transcript (which is $ and time and annoying) or just show my diploma. It was much easier to show my diploma.

        I vote ‘take them out of the frames and file them’.

      • Anon

        That’s a good point – I needed to scan mine once for an overseas customer, it may have had to do with my work visa when traveling abroad.

    • Anonymous

      I never bothered to frame any of mine. My college and law school diplomas, along with all my bar admissions including my supreme court admission, are in a folder in my file cabinet. I kept them just in case I needed them but I am a minimalist in my office and life and certainly don’t feel the need to ever display any of them and never have.

    • Anonyz

      Actually, I recommend you keep them. My husband has a Master’s in ESOL from a University in Puerto Rico that was all but wiped out by Hurricane Maria. Their records are still in shambles and it has been hell to get proof of his degree for hiring purposes.

    • Anon

      I have not, mainly because I paid so much to have them custom framed. (Mine are Actuarial credentials, not diplomas, but I worked my ass off for them.)

      I hang them above my desk in my home office space. When I worked in an office, I had them hung in my office. They’re my credentials to do what I do.

    • Anonymous

      I don’t know why you would not want to put them on a wall in your house. I hang mine in my den. They represent a big accomplishment. I would never throw mine away. I am proud of them.

      • Anonymous

        To me they are a reminder of the biggest, most expensive mistake I ever made. They live in a file drawer.

    • Anon

      Your parents might like to have them. If they weren’t hanging in my office, I’m sure my parents would hang my law school diploma and bar admissions in their living room LOL. I’m first of my family to go to college.

  2. Ellen

    Elizabeth, this is a beautiful sweater, and it is cashmere (my favorite), so when you think about, there is alot of cashmere pound for pound for the money, b/c normal vneck cashmere sweaters have about 1/2 of the cashmere I see here. Also, b/c this sweater is long, you can walk around the office and no one can see your tuchus the way they can with sweaters that do not go below the waste. So I too would recommend this to the ladies in the hive like me, who have spent the last 6 months @ home in front of the TV and refrigerator.

    Anyway, isn’t Trump doing stuff that he shouldn’t — like driving around outside the hospital to waive to his supporters? The Today show had people telling us that this violates all of the PPE rules set out by the CDC. I think that b/c everyone in the executive branch and the military branch of goverment reports to him, he can overule whatever they recommend, and that is why he takes the cocktail of drugs that came from the drug companies, and also why he is out driving around outside the hospital rather then staying in there to take anti viral drugs that lessen the viral load.

    Also, they are now focusing on a superspreader at the Rose Garden ceremony for Judge Coney Barrett. Now I have learned that she actually had COVID 19 over the summer. Is it possible that her and/or someone else in her family who were there and close to everybody are or could be the superspreaders? After all, many kids don’t show symptoms but they can spread the virus. That is why Grandma Trudy does not want Rosa to bring her kids down to LI until after the virus vaccines are widely available. Mom agrees and that is why we all attended holiday services virtually. I was the smartest one in the family since I have been using Zoom and Webex all summer! Even Ed, who is normally a computer hotshot, deferred to me when Dad could not get his computer properly attached to Zoom. Dad had to get a special antivirus program from the NSA disabled b/f he could connect his computer to Zoom! And I was the one who worked with the teck guy from the NSA over the phone! Mabye now Ed won’t think I am so dumb.

    Anyway, welcome back to the HIVE! Happy Monday!!!! YAY!!!!!

    • Cat

      lol- so true. Oh, look at me caught unawares in an idle moment. I’m not at all thinking about my best angles or finding the best light, no not me!

    • Anon

      So, my office is at home right now/for the foreseeable future, so yes, this would be great to wear at my current office. But it seems too weekend casual to work in an actual office in regular times. How would you style this for work? Is this something that works better on certain sizes and shapes? Because as a cusp-size apple I can’t figure out how to style this to look professional.

      • Cat

        this would be 100% typical at my business casual office. For home, over a tee and leggings or jeans. For office-office, over a silky shell or blouse with ankle pants. The key is structure underneath vs. something loose or floaty – wearing this over a floaty dress or skirt would be too much volume overall.

        • pugsnbourbon

          Agreed – wouldn’t be out of place in my office, either. A button-up underneath would definitely be polished enough.

    • Anon

      How do you know that if you can’t see her feet? We can’t tell whether she’s pigeon toed here.

    • Anonymous

      To me it looks like the “celebrity caught by the paparazzi in front of the grocery store” pose.

  4. ANON

    When applying for awards, is it appropriate to say how much money you give to charity? My husband and I give about 15% of our income, which turns out to be into the six figures, so it is really a significant amount. But it feels different to brag about that than to say I lead such and such non-profit.

    • Anon

      I think you could say that you “support” non-profits engaged in x, y and z, but I would not go beyond that.

    • Anonymous

      Is there a title associated with your support? Like ‘founding supporter’ or ‘xyz club member’? Some charities have those to distinguish giving levels.

      • Anonie

        This seems like the way to go! Much more discrete than explicitly naming a dollar amount, while still allowing people who care to research the specific contribution category.

      • Senior Attorney

        This. All major nonprofits have this kind of thing and those in the know will know.

  5. Anon100

    Over the weekend, I impulsively bought two quarts of poblano peppers. Suggestions on what to do with them other than roast & stuff them with cheese? Would like non-cheese recipes if there are any! TIA

      • Anon

        + 1 on prepping and freezing. I requested 1 jalapeño on instant cart. I got 1 pound of jalapeños. I seeded and de-stemmed them and put them in a ziplock in the freezer. It’s so great to have them on had at all times to throw into this or that. I just slice or mince them while frozen and throw them right in.

        In terms of dishes, have you tried a roasted poblano on a burger with Jack cheese? Delicious.

    • Anon

      Stuff them with beans like Priya Krishna does. Tex Mex meets Indian and they’re amazing

      • Anonymous

        I am going to stop at the Mexican market on the way home and try this tonight. I made a big pot of white beans yesterday. Thank you!

        • buffybot

          I’d generally agree but I got some kind of alien poblano in a grocery delivery box (perhaps it had hybridized with a neighboring pepper?) and it was SO HOT that when sautéing it, I had to open windows and run a fan to avoid gassing myself. It was vicious.
          I like a good salsa verde or green enchilada sauce with oven roasted tomatillos and poblanos.

          • Anon

            That’s fair; I have learned the hard way to check the heat of peppers and also the sharpness of garlic before passing a point of no return!

    • ATL

      Half Baked Harvest has a roasted corn/poblano/chicken enchiladas recipe that is sooooooooo good!!

      I also like corn/poblano chowder.

    • Thanks, it has pockets!

      I used poblano peppers in a turkey and hot sausage chili over the weekend! They’re pretty good in bison chili as well.

    • Ms B

      Slice in rings and do them as refrigerator pickles in a simple brine. I like the brine from David Lebovitz’s pickled jalapeño recipe for most veg.

    • DLC

      Dinner Illustrated has a really great taco recipe that has black beans, sweet potatoes, and poblanos. Basically toss 1 lb diced sweet potatoes and 4 poblanos with 3 cloves garlic, oregano, cumin, coriander, and one sliced onion. Roast at 450 for 30 mins. Take out of oven, mix with black beans and cilantro. Eat on corn tortillas with guacamole.
      A really tasty vegan meal. We eat it at least twice a month.

    • Anon100

      Thanks y’all! I think I’m going to go with chili, since I can cook a large batch and save for freezing

  6. Cb

    I had a surreal house selling experience that I need to get off my chest. Due to Covid, owners are typically showing occupied houses rather than estate agents. We had someone come for a visit on Monday, no-show for a second visit on Tuesday and then make a weird informal offer when I followed up, and then returned with her mum for a visit yesterday. They spent ages wandering around the house, opening cupboards, testing doors, and then came and sat down where I was working and told me that the flat was overpriced, how could I possibly charge this, the kitchen and bathroom need gutting, it would need £30,000 worth of work, everything looks very tired, they could buy new for less. Finally I said “Look, you don’t have to buy this place, maybe it’s not for you!” hoping they’d get the hint and leave but to no avail. The weirdest thing is, they were wandering around and were quite complimentary in their own language (which I randomly happen to speak) but then incredibly critical. Was this some sort of insane negotiation?

    • Anonymous

      I think a lot of people watch too many real estate shows and expect to wheel and deal in the house buying process. They clearly like the place but want to get it as cheaply as possible. You can’t take any comments about your house condition/style serious from buyers. From real estate agents, yes but buyers have their own particular taste which may be totally different from yours.

      • Cb

        Right? It was very strange. Our flat is a cookie cutter newish build. The home report listed everything as grade 1 (no repairs required) and it is exceptional only in its super high ceilings, large bathroom, and big garden which should be assets.

    • Ribena

      They may have read that that’s how it works ‘in the U.K.’ forgetting that Home Report values mean it’s different here.

    • blueberries

      From my Bay Area point of view, this is really odd. Fine to offer lower, but the way they presented it was rude. And a good way to get told to go away if it’s a hot market.

    • No Face

      Yes, they were just trying to negotiate. This is one of the reasons why I like working through agents in normal times! They can deal with the nonsense instead of me.

    • Anon

      Sounds like they were trying to negotiate.

      Similar to dating, you don’t have to accept an offer just because they neg you first.

    • Anonymous

      Stop doing this. Is it illegal to leave and have the agent show it? If it is, don’t chat, don’t answer questions, refer them to the agent.

    • Anonymous

      Rule are really different in my north east state. We listed our house this weekend, and were told only the actual buyers can view the house. So, a married couple owning jointly can view together, but a single person buyer can’t bring someone along. No children. No more than three people in the house, including the buyer’s agent. Of course, we cannot be here. The prospective buyers aren’t supposed to touch anything, I’m to leave closet doors etc. open. I’m sure they will touch things anyways, you can’t help yourself sometimes, but they have to wear booties and gloves, and disinfect their hands on entry. Masks of course are required, and there will be signs posted in the house to remind people. It would be unheard of for someone to sit down in the house.

      These rules are a bit onerous, but I like that only pre-qualified, serious buyers can visit the house, no neighbors or “looky-lous.” (My mom used to view houses on the market for something to do!) My plan is to have zero conversation with any buyer, and let my realtor and attorney handle it all.

    • Anonie

      Definitely trying to shame you into negotiating. Too funny that you actually understood the language they were speaking to praise the house. It sounds like something out of a sitcom! Wish you would have name-dropped something from the private conversation haha.

      • anon

        lol right? It would be funny if they had complimented the garden or something and OP said, “I hear what you’re saying, but I’ve also been told that the large garden alone is worth the price. Don’t you agree?”

    • Anon

      Not a house so on a different level, but a car. I had a guy come see a car I was selling. He basically bitched at me about all the stuff he thought was wrong with it and how I didn’t properly maintain it and how it would be so expensive for him to bring it up to a good condition – all of which was untrue. I didn’t exactly feel intimidated,I just didn’t want to be around him so I said something like I have to go.

      He gave me a lowball offer on the spot and I said no thank you and made to leave, and then he did yell. He yelled that I had his email address and I should email him when I come to my senses.

      Of course I never emailed him and he emailed me with a full price offer. I deleted his email and sold the car, for less, to someone who seemed really nice and happy to have the car.

      My thinking was, if I do sell the car to this nut job, he’s going to be back at me every time something goes wrong. It will always be my fault. I didn’t need that in my life.

      I suggest you think along the same lines when selling your place. You want to move out and never deal with your flat again. Hold out for that kind of buyer.

      • Anon

        A few years ago I sold a very high-end car by myself. I had men call me on the phone to tell me I was a f**king b***ch to dare to ask the price I had listed and that I needed to lower the price to what he thought it should be. Of COURSE I’ll do what you say, Mr. Man!

      • anon

        This exact same thing happened to me when I sold my first car. I knew I had priced it well (below KBB) but this guy shows up wearing a Toyota mechanic’s shirt (lol) and starts telling me my head gasket is blown (it clearly wasn’t). He lowballed me at 25% of my asking price (lol again). I politely declined and he took off in a huff. The next person to show up bought the car for the asking price in cash. The fake mechanic guy kept calling me after that (probably still trying to negotiate) but I never picked up. So stupid. Just because they see a single woman selling a car, they think they can rip us off completely.

      • Anon

        …so that you can then judge speakers of this (presumably) non-English language?

        • Anon

          Wow.

          No, because I’ve studied a bunch of languages and a couple of them are not widely spoken where I live and I’m always interested to hear foreign languages being spoken because I try to identify the language. But you go right ahead.

  7. Venting

    Have that low-grade/always existent anxiety and existential dread that comes with Monday mornings as an associate. I should have worked more this weekend to catch up, but actually went out and did a sport I enjoyed! But now I am playing catch-up before a call.

    Quarantine has made my job unbearable–I was one of those happy in biglaw (until now) people–and I am so.tired. and so.over.it. My SO and I are also thinking about growing our family and lol to that possibility with how much work I have. I was a mediocre junior associate and due to various circumstances in my practice group and most of our team being on leave earlier this year, I really had to get my act together. I had so much fun being “good” at my job for once and everyone had nothing but nice things to say. My last review was my best ever. My pace was fine as things settled back to normal, but quarantine–we are in a group that was “boosted” by the current situation–made my hours almost double. WFH has been great, but it made me realize that I am miserable and wasting my life.

    Currently looking for new opportunities, but just do not enjoy Mondays any more.

    • Z

      Totally with you. I moved from my relatively cushy role almost 2 months ago to a much more demanding role where I’ve had to do a lot of off-line learning, with a supervisor who is known for yelling, without having met any of my new team in person. It hasn’t been the best, but I know if I do well in this role it means good things for my future. But Sunday Scaries are too real right now.

    • Anon

      I well recall the “sick Sunday nights.” Look around and make a change. Better things on the horizon!

    • CPA Lady

      I think right now is incredibly hard for a lot of people. I’ve been in my profession for 9 years now, and I was sitting in a continuing education webinar a few weeks ago about how a tax issue is going to become even more complex with additional reporting requirements and multiple new forms and I started crying. How can I feel even more stupid at 9 years in than I did at the beginning? Why do things just keep getting more and more complicated every time anyone thinks they need to “simplify” something? Whatever geniuses came up with the 199a reporting requirements needs to be loaded into a canon and fired into outer space.

      I usually like my job, but this year has just been the worst. Things are not normal. I usually love the cyclical rhythms of tax season but this year has been one long miserable slog with the July 15th automatic extension and fall busy season starting right afterwards on top of everything else going on in the world. I’m so over it and I’m now googling how to become a realtor. I’m also trying not to make any hasty career decisions brought about by covid burnout and depression. But I just want to flip over a table, throw my computer out the window, and run away to Tahiti. Sundays are the wooooorrrsstt.

    • Anonymous

      Yeah I’m with you. I loved my job before, and like being remote a lot! But my practice area has taken a huge hit, like 50% of normal hours. However 100% of the burden has been put on me the associate to still bill normal hours, and make up hours from earlier in the pandemic when it was less than 50%, and I. Just. Can’t. I’m working as hard as I can. I can’t meet the hours. It will be fine, I won’t get a bonus. But I hate feeling like I’m failing and it’s making me think about moving on.

    • Anon

      I used to have both the Sunday night dread and the don’t want to get out of my car in the parking garage at work-itis. Listen to yourself. Your reactions are telling yourself something.

      I left that job and I make less money now but life is worth living again, and that’s worth a lot.

  8. stand mixer

    Is a kitchenaid mixer worth the cost? I’ve been thinking about getting one, and I’ve seen the 5 qt tilt-head stand mixer on sale this week for about 40% off, but that is still a lot of money to me. Does anyone regret buying a stand mixer? Can it be used for anything besides baking?

    • Gail the Goldfish

      Yes. Mainly baking (including bread, not just sweets), but you can get all sorts of accessories for it for other things-ice cream making bowl and spiralizer are the two I’ve used.

    • Anonymous

      We got one 10 years ago and I love it. I use it for kneading dough (bread, pasta etc). We also frequently make a triple batch of cookies which it holds with ease. Holiday spritz cookies? Can make 200 in one bowl.

      Finally, any recipe that requires prolonged whipping- meringue, whipped cream, etc. Just set and walk away.

      If you are limited in space, then of course a hand mixer works just fine. We use ours ~10 times/year but it is extremely worth it.

      We also have the ice cream making attachment which works well.

    • anne-on

      They are total workhorses. I’ve had mine for 15 odd years now and it still works perfectly fine. Depending on the attachments (also a fortune TBH) you can use it for ice cream, pasta, sausage, etc. I mostly use it for baking (I do a lot of baking) but it’s shockingly fast at shredding slow-cooked meat. That is – put in chicken breasts that you’ve slow cooked, start the paddle on low, and about 30 seconds later you have shredded chicken for adding to salads/tacos/etc.

    • Yes to Kitchen Aids!

      I have never regretted buying my kitchenaid 30+ years ago. If you are not into baking, may not need one, but if you are, they are indispensable. They also make a ton of attachments for all kinds of things (although read the reviews, some are better than others) – pasta maker, vegetable shredder, spiralizer, apple corer, – on and on.

    • cat socks

      We got one years ago as part of our wedding registry and it’s been relegated to the basement. I don’t bake desserts very often and when I do, I use my hand mixer. It does come in handy for making Swiss meringue buttercream, but for other frostings a hand mixer works fine. It came with a dough hook and I used it a few times to make bread. I would say if you’re not into baking, then don’t buy it.

    • anon

      I love it for ice cream (Alton Brown’s Vanilla Ice Cream), but the bowl is ~$50-60 on top of the Kitchenaid. Do you bake a lot? I do use it primarily for baking, but I love baking – especially now!

    • Anon

      The biggest considerations are how much space you have (it has a very large footprint) and what your other options are. I was gifted one shortly after I bought a Breville hand held mixer. The Breville is so much better than normal hand mixers that I wouldn’t necessarily suggest paying for the upgrade to a KitchenAid if you have one. However, if you’re working with $20 or even $50 hand mixers, the KitchenAid will blow you away.

      The KitchenAid really shines in baking with things like homemade whipped cream (two minutes, almost no effort), egg whites (same, just a bit longer), or very thick batters.

      I use mine for homemade pasta dough, first with the flat paddle and then with the dough hook. There are attachments that will roll out the dough into sheets or linguine for you, or you can buy an Atlas Mercato. A lot of people really like the various attachments – meat grinder, juicer, all that.

    • Anon

      If you don’t like to bake or cook I would not bother. I’ve used mine heavily for 15+ years so it’s worth it for me.

    • Airplane.

      No. I got mine as a gift and then gifted it away. But YMMV, I hate baking and leave that to the professionals. I use my blendtec blender as my workhorse for all the non-baking things (coffee bean grinder, food processor for guac/masked cauliflower, etc.)

    • pugsnbourbon

      I really like mine – got a refurbished model at a good price, so check around before you pull the trigger. I mainly use it for baking but it also shreds meat like nobody’s business.

    • NY CPA

      If you only make things like cake batter that would be pretty easy to do with a cheap hand-held mixer than no, it wouldn’t be worth it. If you regularly bake (especially things that require long mixes (e.g. whipping egg whites or cream) or strong mixing (bread/pizza dough, thick cookie doughs, etc.), then yes. I LOVE mine (artisan 5 qt), which I bought last year. My parents one (I think it’s the classic plus?) is still going strong about 20 years later.

    • Anonymous

      I like mine a lot, but I waited until I was married with 2 kids to get it. It would not have been worth it to me as a single person or even a married no kids person. I didn’t bake as much then because there weren’t enough people to eat it. Hand mixer with power was all I needed. I use mine primarily to bake things, and secondarily to make pasta. For the pasta—I can walk a half mile and get fresh pasta at Whole Foods, so up to you if that’s worth it.

      • Anon

        On the other hand, I happily used my stand mixer all the time when I was single. If you have too much baked goods, that’s what friends are for!

    • Anon

      It makes my life easier, but I could also live without it.
      Is it useful and versatile? Yes. Is it expensive and takes up a ton of space? Also yes.

    • BB

      So…does anyone use it to make healthy things? :) I’ve been eyeing one for years, but all the things I need it for are like cakes, pasta, whipped cream, more cakes…and have held off so that I don’t get tempted to whip up a batch of cookies all the time.

      • anon

        I posted above that DH uses ours to whip eggs for fluffy, frothy omelets. They’re delicious. They’re healthy depending on what you put in them. We’ve also used our meat grinder attachment to make lamb kibbeh, which isn’t exactly diet food but isn’t unhealthy either.

    • Anon

      I use mine at least weekly, if not more often. I bake a lot, so love it for anything that requires creaming butter (cookies, frosting) or kneading (dough for bread, rolls, etc.). I also use it to shred meat, though not nearly as often as for baking.

      • Diana Barry

        +1. I bake a LOT. I’m on my third 6 qt professional since 2002. The first broke right away (bread dough, I wore out the motor). The second broke due to metal fatigue where the head meets the back of the stand part. This third is SO LOUD and I wear headphones when I use it and it doesn’t quite make it up to the top speed any more. Will probably get my DH to buy me another one in a few years.

        • Anon

          It’s kind of weird that you’re on your third within 18 years and looking forward to your next one while others are posting that they’ve had their first one for 15 or even 30 years. You’re definitely using the Kitchenaid brand?

          • Anon

            My 5 quart (not tilt head) is 32 years old. I make pizza dough weekly and occasional other baking. I don’t bring the speed up except when whipping egg whites. I have sometimes exceeded the maximum capacity but not the speed. I like it, but I also dislike hand mixers so I don’t really have an alternative.

          • LaurenB

            I have a KitchenAid mixer, used weekly (mostly for brownies that husband makes). 34 years old. Still works perfectly fine.

          • Diana Barry

            Yes def – I know it’s weird but I chalk it up to very heavy use, and the first one was a lemon. I have gotten them all from Am*z*n so maybe they’re giving me refurbished ones instead? I never use the high speed on bread dough, the first one broke literally the first time I used it. If anyone has alternate recommendations for a 6-quart that will last longer, I’m all ears!

        • Ses

          I would take this as an anti-recommendation. It sounds like these don’t stand up to heavy use anymore?

          • Ses

            A follow-up – can they be repaired, or are parts too hard/expensive to find? Just following with interest because I’ve been going back and forth on whether to get one for like… 5 years :D

          • anon

            For bread dough, the Kitchen Aid manual says to keep the mixer on low speed (2) to prevent the motor from burning out. We usually keep ours set to 2 for 10 minutes or so, then turn it up to 4 for a couple of minutes, then 6 for a couple of minutes. This exceeds manual recommendations, but we keep a hand on the motor and turn it off when it starts getting warm. If you turn it up to 8 or 10 to knead bread dough, you’ll probably burn out the motor sooner than later.

          • Nesprin

            The cheaper version now has nylon gears. I bought the more expensive version (artisan maybe?) and it’s lasted two decades. That being said, not sure how they’re building em these days.

      • Anon

        Shredding meat? Tell me more….. I love mine but I use it maybe a dozen times a year, and heavily at the holidays for holiday-related baking. It largely just sits from January-September but for a rogue batch of cookies. Shredding meat, however, might be a game changer I haven’t considered!

        • Anon

          You can just put warm cooked meat in there and bash it around and it comes out shredded! Not as perfect as doing it by hand, but when you’re doing a big batch of shredded chicken for enchiladas or pulled pork or something of that ilk, it’s great.

    • CPA Lady

      Random use I discovered: if you put still-hot boiled boneless skinless chicken breasts in the bowl with the paddle attachment, it shreds the chicken really quickly. Good for chicken salad, chicken tacos, etc.

    • Anonymous

      Ok same question but what if you expect to use it occasionally at best, in some optimist version of your life where you maybe bake some cookies, a loaf of bread, or an easy handmade pasta once in a while (but currently do literally none of those things)? This is where I’m at. I want the optimist version of my life, truly.

      • Clementine

        YMMV, but I find that not only purchasing things that are part of that optimist version of my life, but also putting them in a highly visible place, help me guide my life in that direction.

        For example: I wanted to be somebody who ran half marathons so I bought some running shoes, signed up for a half marathon, put a training plan on my wall and did it. Likewise, I wanted to be someone who made nice cakes so I got the supplies I needed to frost fancy cakes, learned how to make fabulous buttercreams (with my Kitchen Aid!) and make them.

        • Anonymous

          Good point. Much to my husband’s chagrin, buying a vitamix made me drink extremely healthy smoothies everyday. And then a fancy cold press juicer made me make green juice everyday. Now I don’t really use the vitamix. But I’m very pleased with being the person that makes green juice everyday!

    • anon

      We’ve had ours about 15 years, and I love it. I’ve found that I use it more when I keep it out on the counter because it’s heavy. I probably use it most often for whipped cream and making cakes and cookies, and DH uses it to whip eggs for fluffy omelets. But I also use it for less common projects, like meringues, kneading dough, making ice cream, rolling pasta, and grinding meat (those last 3 require separate attachments/kits). Another appliance or tool would be fine, sometimes better, for most of those tasks, but I like the versatility of the Kitchen Aid for things I don’t do often.

      • Anon

        +1 I wouldn’t use ours nearly as much if I had to move it out of a cupboard, so we leave it on the counter. It’s tucked back in a corner that isn’t useful for anything so I do have to move it forward about 6 inches to access it, but it’s a good compromise for me of easy access without limiting my counter space for other things.

    • Anon

      I cannot tell you how much I love my KitchenAid. If you have the counter space, do it!

      If you use it for nothing other than cookies, it will still be worth it.

      • Senior Attorney

        Speaking of counter space, my husband has this weird quirk where he hates to have things out on the counter, so our deal is we keep it hidden away and it’s his job to take it out and put it away. Good thing he’s big and strong!

    • Anon

      I kind of regret it. I had one I used to use a fair amount, but it broke pretty quickly. My husband bought me a new one, but we moved shortly after that to somewhere with much higher COL and therefore a smaller kitchen with less counterspace. I still bake a lot, but there’s not enough room to keep it on the counter anymore and it’s almost never worth the hassle to haul it out so I just don’t use it and use a hand mixer instead if I really have to beat eggs. I knead bread by hand or make wet doughs with long rises that don’t need much kneading. Cookies and most other things can be made by hand just fine too.

      • Anon

        Yes, I realized I just I really like hand mixers; it feels less laborious over all. The last time I missed having a Kitchenaid was when trying out that dalgona coffee trend. But aside from dalgona coffee, I haven’t missed it. I even find myself using a whisk or a wooden spoon instead of the hand mixer sometimes.

      • anon

        I don’t keep it on the counter, don’t like the clutter…also might not use it for a single quick batch of cookies, but multiple batches, definitely

    • anon

      totally worth it….I am a big Christmas cookie baker and you can make so much more when you have the mixer….use it for all kinds of baking, whipping cream and frosting, pizza dough, we have the sausage making attachment…the pasta making attachment looks great too…solid machine

    • Anon

      I bake a lot and never use the one we received as a wedding gift. I think it might be more worth it if you make a lot of bread that requires kneading? I make mostly cookies, cupcakes, muffins, scones, or no-knead bread and honestly it is easier for me to mix these things by hand than to set up the stand mixer. I have a separate KitchenAid ice cream mixer (also a wedding gift) and I use that a lot for making ice cream.

  9. Fashion report

    Ate outside at stylish restaurant the other night.

    Golden goose sneakers are still a thing.
    Also, if you are young / leggy, by all means people are still wearing white heeled booties with mini shifts.

    It gets chilly at night now. I don’t think I can outdoor dine much longer as it is weird to eat all bundled up like the michelin man when you can’t move your arms well. Maybe with a hot toddy?

    • Airplane.

      I love the sneakers with dresses/skirts look that I see all over European cities. However, I really hate the way golden goose sneakers – the shape, the dirtiness, all of it.

      White heeled booties with mini shifts is interesting.

      • Senior Attorney

        Good grief I wore white heeled booties (we called them “go go boots”) with mini shifts when I was a preteen in the 60s!

        • Coach Laura

          Yes to the white go-go boots! I had a pair that was Mondrian-inspired with blocks of color. I loved them so much and still think about them sometimes.

        • rilawyer

          I’m the same era. I was desperate for a pair to wear while dancing to my one and only Monkees album, but my mom refused to buy them for me. :-(

    • pugsnbourbon

      Restaurants around Indianapolis are putting in those outdoor heaters, which hopefully will extend the season a bit. This is going to be a rough winter for the industry.

      • Cat

        Same here- unfortunately, the plates and food don’t keep warm under those heaters as well as I do. So that’s going to be the limiting factor more than my personal warmth!

    • Anon

      Where do you live? This is useless without knowing that. I’m not taking fashion advice from people in Tuscaloosa.

      • Cat

        based on bloggers I check in with, seems they are popular in Texas “late 30s mom wanting to look 25” set.

        Total Emperor’s New Clothes thing IMHO!

        • Anonie

          For what it’s worth, I live in a SEUS city that tends to draw transplants from all over the country and some of the most stylish people I know hail from Alabama.

          • Anon

            I’m sure there are lots of very stylish people in Alabama, but I’m not sure that the patrons of a trendy restaurant there are a fashion bellwether.

        • Anon

          I’m not the person you’re responding to but my niece goes to Bama and I think the point is spot-on.

      • Anonymous

        I saw GG sneakers on the site of a Hamptons boutique selling $$$ dresses that my mom would have called “peasant dresses” because she sewed them in the 70s. $600 distressed sneakers seems to be what I’d expect in the Hamptons / Greenwich corridor and that it has trickled out to the rest of the US where spendy people live.

        I have a closet with a couple pairs of distressed sneakers already that are free to me, but my 2YO Hokas are not probably cool (and yet: why? why are they not cool?).

        • Anonymous

          Right? I have the wrong kind of distressed sneakers too! The kind that are distressed because they have 350 miles of wear and tear on them! Alas, not cool.

    • Ribena

      For socialising outdoors when it’s cold, I have a few top tips (from Scotland/ Germany/ Austria level of cold, not Chicago or NY where I know it’s another level!!) – the first is lots of thin layers and as much wool as you can wear. I have started layering a thin faux-down puffer vest from Gap under all my other coats which has been revolutionary. Tall leather boots are also excellent for keeping feet and lower legs warm.
      And yes, drink something warm too! I can’t wait for mulled cider season.

      • Anonymous

        This! DH is Austrian and I’ve enjoyed many Christmas market gluhwein stands while wearing tall boots, skinny jeans with leggings or long underwear underneath, a couple merino wool sweaters layered and a knee length thin puffer (Patagonia nano) over a smartwool thin down vest). It’s all about the multiple thin layers vs the one huge layer if you want to feel reasonably chic.

  10. Anonymous

    Anyone tried an Aerogarden for growing herbs indoor over the winter? They are pricey, but love the idea of infrequent waterings and built in lights (I don’t have windowsills or other obvious places just to grow in pots). Adjacent question for those of you into plants and growing things – if I do try to grow things inside this winter, do I have to keep my house warm? Pre Covid, thermostat set to 64 degrees during day, and 69 when we were home, and the house is pretty chill in my Northern climate. If I do get an Aerogarden or otherwise try to grown stuff indoors, do I need to bump the heat?

    • Flats Only

      I had one, and used it for a few years. It was fun, and nice to have fresh herbs in the winter. My house is north facing, so there was no question of growing things on a windowsill. I didn’t need to keep the house warmer than usual. We had the aerogarden on the dining room sideboard (a little used spot with good access to an outlet), and the bright light was great for helping me wake up during breakfast. It also did a nice job of keeping the humidity level up indoors during dry winter weather. All in all a good purchase.

    • nutella

      Grace Atwood (an influencer in Brooklyn) had an Aerogarden bumper crop at the beginning of quarantine, so check her out (The Stripe).

    • NY CPA

      Yup I love mine! I got a 6 or 7 pod model for Christmas last year, and it’s been great. I’ve even thought about buying a second one to grow tomatoes in!
      I used to have it in a kitchen with no windows, so it was really amazing to see how well the grow lights worked. It takes 3-4 weeks for the plants to be ready to use, and then they grow like wildfire. I seriously can’t keep up. I usually have to trim them back every couple of weeks since they grow so fast. The container needs to be refilled about 1-2 times a week when the plants are fully grown. The lights tell you when you need to refill or add plant food (comes with the kit).
      Basil and thyme are probably the biggest hits. Rosemary, lavender, and chives are less abundant (i.e. not overflowing the container constantly), but they grow well. Parsley works, but doesn’t seem to be growing back as fast. The kit will come with a set of pods, but I also ordered some additional pods from the company so I could get exactly what I wanted.
      I live in an apartment, so the heat just is whatever the building sets it to, so unfortunately can’t answer that part of the question.

    • FFS

      I got an Aerogarden last spring to entertain my kids during our shutdown. We did herbs and they all grew wonderfully, but I just don’t use fresh herbs that much. I did a second run with tomatoes and only got one. But I’ll do herbs again for fun this winter. We keep our house at 68 and that was fine – I doubt you would need to raise the heat. One note is that the light is SO BRIGHT. I tried to put it in my kitchen but if it was high enough that my children couldn’t get to it, the light would blind them.

    • Anon

      Yes I have one. It was a Christmas gift a few years ago. It does grow the herbs, but they grow at different rates so it’s never quite like the picture.

      I like it for parsley and basil to always have some close at hand.

      • Anon

        I should also mention that if you do any sort of outside gardening, it’s really helpful to sprout seeds in little peat pots set close to the aero grow while it’s doing it’s thing with the herbs. This is the only way I’ve ever successfully grown peppers from seed, and I just pickled a batch of my own jalapeños last night. I will be ordering more pepper seeds this winter for spring planting.

  11. Anon

    Can we talk about the CA ballot measure to classify Lyft and Uber drivers as contractors, not employees? In theory, I am opposed to this change, but I want to do my due diligence and am struggling to find any information that is not obviously funded directly by the companies. What are you all thinking about this one? Any good recaps or sources to recommend for me?

    • anonshmanon

      Planet money just had a podcast episode about the issue of misclassification. This one was focused on call center workers.
      Personally, I think this is one of those cases where on paper it sounds good (flexibility, be your own boss), but it only works out that way for few. The prevalence of this business model means that millions of people are now working under those conditions, which in my view warrants some legal protections.

      • Anonymous

        I think that the hassle of dealing with ICs has made it not worth bothering with them. Good free-landers (writers) are just leaving to where they can work and where there is appetite for their work. CA has turned into a state where there is appetite for their work but no appetite for the hassle (counting gigs per employer per IC, etc.). I think it is a classic case of something well-intentioned not working out.

      • Anon

        Yeah, that’s where I’m coming from too and I’m mostly sure I’m voting for drivers to be employees, but I’d love to feel a bit more informed about the nuances. I’ll check out that podcast episode.

    • Anon

      Read “California’s terrible AB5 came for me today, and I’m devastated,” which is about how these changes affected writers. Consider that Uber and Lyft may just pull out of California altogether, which is what they did in Austin.

    • Anonymous

      I think it has proved catastrophically bad for free-lancers.

      I think it was aimed at sticking it to Uber and Lyft, but it screwed a lot of other people.

    • Ribena

      This week’s Reasons To Be Cheerful covers an adjacent topic to this and uses a case study of unionisation amongst Deliveroo drivers.

    • Anonymous

      How would this work for substitute teachers? My SIL is a long-term career sub b/c she has to take care of my MIL so needs flexibility. But she is worried that she may lose work or have to move b/c she isn’t a regular employee and does a lot of the same work (she works with disabled kids who have tube feedings, etc. so it is a lot more identical to what the FT teachers do vs a sub who merely babysits a mainstream class when the regular teacher isn’t there; often my SIL covers maternity leaves).

      • Anon

        I wonder about this too. Flexible contract work is a lot better than “no work at all” and can be a person’s option. If employers are pressured to hire contractors as employees, will it hurt people who are not available to work FT?

        • Anon

          (Or who are not available to work PT under the employer’s stipulations, I guess.)

    • Anon

      The legislation this proposition is fighting, AB 5, was originally aimed at Uber and Lyft. AB 5 in turn was based on a precedential court decision in the Dynamex case, which essentially says if you always do the same work for one employer, you’re an employee, not an independent contractor.

      Uber and Lyft avoid paying employee benefits to their drivers. So if they’re injured while driving they have no workers’ compensation benefits. They don’t have employer provided healthcare. They don’t have any of the stuff the rest of us take for granted.

      There have been other professions caught up in AB 5 that are truly independent contractors, and the legislature has been proactive about cleanup legislation to make sure they’re still exempted. But make no mistake, this was aimed at Uber and Lyft, and they’re doing everything they can to make you think it wasn’t.

      • Anonymous

        But for Uber and Lyft, they aren’t treated that different than other taxi drivers. Taxi drivers generally rent the car from the car company and keep any $ they make over the car rent. They aren’t employees. No one is an employee it seems. With Uber/Lyft, it’s generally your car (or a car you have the use of). Those guys at Yellow Cab don’t work for Yellow Cab; they just get a Yellow Cab from Yellow Cab.

        Some places like airports only let certain cab brands pick up from there, generally based on new-ness of their cabs vs driver skill, etc. I guess Lyft / Uber get around those restrictions since you don’t know one car from another until they light up the sign.

        • Anon

          I work in workers’ compensation. Yellow Cabs is a very large workers’ compensation account. They have insurance. Due to under-reporting of payroll, they have a very high rate, but they’re insured.

          There’s a reason Uber is cheaper than a taxi. It’s because the cost savings are on the backs of the drivers.

    • Anonymous

      If it passes, delivery drivers won’t get medical insurance, unemployment insurance or the other protections offered an employee. If it fails, these employees would need to be scheduled like full or part time workers and paid benefits. Delivery costs would likely go up.

  12. Hollis

    I just binge watched unorthodox on Netflix and it was so great. I was drawn into a culture I knew nothing about before this. Has anyone read the book and seen the TV series? I know the book is different than the show, which was “inspired by” the book. If you’ve both seen it and read it, can you tell me if the book is just as good?

    • Anon

      I watched the show and then read the book after. While the book doesn’t have the same level of drama, it had a lot more detail about her upbringing and her experience after her marriage. She also left the religion in a much slower way. I’d recommend reading the book for the more realistic perspective.

      • ollie

        +1. I’m also reading her follow-up memoir now, Exodus, which is about her traveling to Europe to discover and understand her grandmother’s pre-Holocaust life and how the community she grew up in came to be, while also reconciling her new life with the old ways.

    • pugsnbourbon

      The book isn’t bad, just not as good as the show (which I thought was phenomenal).

    • Clementine

      Also binge watched it and thought it was FABULOUS. I probably a higher level of familiarity than most with this specific population because of where I live/jobs I’ve had/etc, but it’s an incredibly fascinating cultural dynamic. Also some phenomenal acting.

      I’ll also add that a new dynamic I didn’t realize existed but was recently introduced to is that there end up being a surprising number of marriages between people who were raised Hasidic and people who were raised Mormon. I would never have thought there would be ANY overlap, but apparently there are some common cultural/values threads there. (I just met someone in such a marriage within the last 2 weeks which is why it’s in my mind.)

      • Bonnie Kate

        That is fascinating! I was raised Mormon, left it very early into adulthood, so I’m always intrigued by Mormon culture and particularly how people navigate leaving the faith. I’m assuming both the raised Hasidic partner and the raised Mormon partner both left the religions and then coupled?

        Also, now all the discussion has me very intrigued about Unorthodox. After we finish Schitts Creek season 6 that’s up next. :)

      • Anon

        That actually blows my mind bc i can’t imagine people from either group being willing to convert despite the similarities in culture

        • pugsnbourbon

          I took this to mean that each person had left their religious tradition before marrying and were able to bond over their similar upbringings.

          • Senior Attorney

            Me, too, and although I never heard of it I think it makes a lot of sense.

          • Clementine

            Yes, this is what happened. In the case of the marriage I encountered, both partners had left their faith culture of origin and had chosen to raise their children within a more moderate branch of Judaism.

            They seemed really happy people who had picked the parts they liked of the cultures they were raised in (big families is the one I noticed first) and made it work for them.

    • Anon

      I haven’t read the book, but I also enjoyed the show. It’s so depressing to think of just how many girls around the world grow up in similar situations due to familial religious beliefs and pressure. I found the show all the more horrifying because I know, so well, that it’s not an isolated case.

    • Anonymous

      I also binged this when it first came out and it was one of the best things I watched this year

    • Ribena

      I haven’t read or watched it yet but if you’re interested I’d recommend Disobedience by Naomi Alderman which is set in a similar community in London. I haven’t yet watched the film but it’s supposed to be pretty good!

    • Anon

      I don’t have anything to add except to agree that it was a great series. I was super impressed with the lead actress. And really all the actors. We were on the edges of our seats of much of it.

      • Anonymous

        Now watch “Shtisel”, a much longer series on Netflix (with the lead actors of Unorthodox). A more sympathetic treatment of orthodox Jews, in Jerusalem. It’s about an extended family (I guess there is no other kind of family in the Haredi community:)). I hated for it it to end.

  13. Anonymous

    Does anyone else live in a home that for lack of better words just isn’t ‘joyous’ (and this means all the time and not just during this weird pandemic time)? I mean I’m an adult so I realize that life is about work, pay the bills, mow the lawn, etc. and no one goes skipping about like we live in a musical. But I mean we don’t celebrate birthdays or holidays; we don’t take pictures; we don’t have an family traditions; we don’t really laugh. If I say I’d like a gift for a holiday or something planned for my birthday he kind of scoffs and says, I’m not stopping you, spend what you want — and will even hand me cash (which I have, we both work and make equal money). All we do is talk and even then it’s pretty surface level — work or news or family gossip. And thinking back before I got married, I did these things — like I remember being one of those people who’d start laughing and it would take a while to stop. I knew I was marrying a man who was serious but before we were married he showed that he had some ability to let loose/laugh — maybe not in front of everyone but with just us. Now it’s like life is a chore. IDK if he’s content — but I know his view (and his family’s view) is that you soldier thru life and it’s all an obligation. In case it isn’t obvious we didn’t live together and only dated under a year before marriage.

    • Airplane.

      Part of my childhood was this way and I and very intentional as an adult in creating a joyous household for myself – I celebrate occasions and holidays, my own milestones, I’m spontaenous, I veg out on the couch when I am feeling like a homebody, I go out and paint the town (non-pandemic times) when I want. I laugh out loud a lot and never wany any feelings of walking on eggshells in my home. I’m serious when the situation calls for it but I am no stoic and don’t surround myself with stoic people.

    • Clementine

      This would be hard for me. I’m generally probably a more enthusiastic human than most people, but having a partner who believes life is a slog would be challenging.

      Are there things in life that bring him joy? I think the question you’re trying to sort out is: Is this just demeanor (which means he laughs and smiles internally) or is it ingrained in him?

    • Anon

      It’s not too late to bring some joy into your lives. My biggest tip is to dramatically reduce the amount of time you spend on chores/routines/logistics (if you are in too many activities to make that change, consider reducing them). Don’t spend weekends running errands – spend them on micro-adventures in your town or bigger adventures when you can travel again. Do chores at the end of the workday and let certain ones go forever to make this happen. Can you spend all day Saturday exploring a new beach and beach town? What about a massive all-day hike? A trek to a museum you’ve always wanted to go to? Stand-up paddleboarding yoga lessons? Wine and paint night? Anything that’s fun and playful can fit the bill and there is still a lot you can try even during covid. Nothing gets a couple laughing like a hilarious yoga fail on a paddleboard.

      After you’ve tried that and tried some fun dates to connect with your husband, if you’re still not feeling any joy, then maybe think about whether the marriage is working for you, but busting the boring routine is what you should try first. Never let a wide-open Saturday be taken up by a grocery run again!

      • Airplane.

        +1. All groceries are delivered. Outsource cleaning. Yes to not spending weekend time on errands. All your listed activities are right where I am at – Love all day hike, beach towns, have definitely fallen off a SUP board doing yoga. Love this. I do this with my DH, alone or with girlfriends. I need to add a paint night!

    • cara

      Hmm this does seem like a difference in temperament or attitude. My parents were very aware of celebrating little things, like every birthday, holiday, anniversary. We also did things like watch a movie on Sunday night in the den, which is not dramatic but is definitely something I remember. Another thing is that we always went hiking and apple picking. So what I’m trying to get at is that even though life is a slog there is a lot you can do to make it less so. I don’t really agree with my parents on many things but this is one thing I really appreciate.

      I also think that you can do it at home, even if your husband isn’t into it right now. Would he go to events or parties you planned, like a haunted house or apple picking? Come to a celebration with you and a friend? I don’t think he needs to be the one to initiate these things for both of you to do it, but he needs to be amenable.

      • anon

        I also think that many times there’s one partner who is more into something than others? For example, I do all the holiday/birthday type things (and I love them) (although my husband will get me a gift…), and I’m the one who always forces pictures – but my husband doesn’t poo poo them, he’s just not into them enough to bother (and frankly, doesn’t think ahead enough). So, as an example this year, I bought advent calendars for the kids and I’m buying myself an advent calendar because I want one…(I’m not buying him one though. He’s on his own.)

    • Anonymous

      Can you talk to your husband? To me that’s the bigger issue. Because it’s pretty easy to agree that birthdays mean cake and balloons but if you can’t have a conversation about how you want life to be without him diminishing you, how much of yourself is worth giving up for him?

    • Anon

      I mean there’s a big difference between having a serious personality and not celebrating birthdays or holidays. Why don’t you?? What’s stopping you?

      • Anonymous

        Well if you’re with someone who doesn’t want to celebrate and you say hey it’s my birthday on Friday, I’d like a chocolate cake and balloons or x gift and he says — do what you want, charge it on my credit card — kind of takes the joy out of it. Or if it’s his birthday and you go get said cake and gift and he goes — uh why did you waste time/money on THIS and looks at you like you have three heads, also takes the fun out of it.

        • Senior Attorney

          Ugh I know we’re sometimes quick to jump to conclusions here, but seriously that sounds borderline abusive/gaslighty to me.

          • Anon

            That’s a bridge too far. A LOT of people are anti-holiday or gift-giving and it doesn’t make them abusive. OP is allowed to have a problem with it, but let’s not use the wrong words.

          • Airplane.

            But Anon, he’s treating her badly. I mean, isn’t that the issue? You can be anti-holiday or anti-birthday but you don’t get to be a jerk to your wife who wants to be celebrated on her birthday.

          • Anon

            I am one of those anti holiday and birthday people, but only as to myself. In other words, I celebrate other people’s birthdays in a manner they would like, including gifts, cake etc., and buy holiday gifts because it’s expected , but I don’t like my birthday being celebrated and I expect those close to me to understand and respect that.

        • Sara

          This makes me so sad! My marriage is a bit like this, but he goes along with it and wouldn’t undermine it. I’ve always been this way (things should be a celebration) and I think he appreciates that I bring that to the table, especially now that we have kids. Kids thrive on traditions and being made much of. But you know what? So do people. I think it might be time to say, “when you celebrate me/with me, it makes me feel treasured, and sometimes I need that from you. I don’t want to enjoy alone, I want to enjoy together.”

    • Nesprin

      That sounds… soul sucking. Life is short and should be celebrated, not slogged through. After all, anhedonia, or the inability to enjoy yourself is a key indicator of depression.

      • Airplane.

        + 1 to soul sucking. Life is not a slog and I don’t want to spend mine with someone who thinks it is or berates me for buying him a birthday cake on his birthday. No, thank you.

      • Senior Attorney

        Exactly. Also not-so-fun fact: Back when I was married to Mr. Soul Sucker, I always said my band name was going to be Anhedonia.

    • Anonymous

      Do you have kids? If you want them, I think it’s worth a conversation re: if you will infuse j into their lives. DH and I got married fairly young and had kids after 6 years of marriage. Our family traditions really became “joyful” once kids were involved. Like, Santa and birthdays and watching a toddler chase leaves ;).

      Before that, we were fairly low key. We would go out to eat for special occasions but didn’t go nuts on gifts or anything. Maybe had some friends over for dinner and cooked a big fancy meal for Friendsgiving or some random occasion.

    • Anonie

      This may sound too obvious and perhaps you’ve already done it, but I’ll ask anyway…have you told him, explicitly and more than once or twice in passing, how this lifestyle makes you feel? Could you ask him to humor you and help you approach the holidays with a new tradition or two (just as a starting point, since the holidays are around the corner)? Maybe start small with one of those wine or chocolate advent calendars to count towards the holiday of your choosing?

    • Anon

      So culturally, I don’t have much of a taste for what I think of when I think of “joy” in a household. Excessive smiling, “good life” bumper stickers, #blessed, and a baseline level of positivity all read as Stepford to me and make me want to run. But this sounds strange and extreme to me; even cultures that are on the far extreme end from displays of joy and happiness, and where life is viewed as difficult and characterized by obligation, take holidays and celebrations pretty seriously. It seems worth talking about to me.

      • Anon

        I might frame it terms of things to look forward to; I like to have things to look forward to.

      • Anon

        I’ve had to have a serious conversation or two with my husband that yes, sometimes you are supposed to just fake that you are having fun. That concept was so foreign to him.

        • Anon

          I don’t really believe in faking having fun, but I do believe you participate in celebrations and holidays whether you enjoy them or not and don’t actively make them unpleasant for other people. I’m not sure how someone who sees life as a chore and an obligation can’t wrap their head around the fact that these are obligations too.

    • Anonymous

      He sounds depressed. I have known depressed people who thought it was immoral to enjoy everyday life until all chores were done (which never happens) and they had enough money saved to retire immediately. It’s like depression turns up any inherent puritanical tendencies to 11.

    • Anon

      I am so sorry. This sounds miserable. If you want a joyous household, you should have one. The baby step is to start celebrating things yourself. The big step is to DTMFA who doesn’t care about your birthday.

    • Anon

      You didn’t know him that long before you got married, but how long have you been married? If you’ve noticed a true change in his behavior, then maybe he’s depressed. If not, I think he’s just kind of a soul sucking jerk. He can decide he doesn’t want to celebrate his birthday but to scoff at you for wanting to celebrate yours is a real d ck move. Go find a happier life.

    • anon8

      Do you really want to be married to this person? Talk him about you feel and consider couples therapy.

      I also feel like this is the love languages thing – celebrations, gifts, etc. bring you joy. Even if it’s not his “language” he should be making an effort to do those things for you instead just handing you cash. If he’s not willing to change, I would seriously consider whether or not I would want to continue in this lifestyle. You may be much happier on your own.

    • Anon

      I think there’s a difference between celebrating commercial holidays/birthdays and making a joyous household. Neither my husband or I are big on the former – it just feels fake to me – and we don’t bother with gifts. But we make a joyous house by coming up with our own traditions. For example, we do taco Tuesday, where we make homemade tacos together, bring out a mini taco truck for a table decoration and play themed music. We also play a silly song on Friday nights and dance around the kitchen when we log out of work to signal that the weekend is here- it varies but recently we’ve been playing JaJa Ding Dong from the Eurovision movie and polka-ing around the house. For Christmas, we’re low key, but one of my favorite things to do is put come antique sleigh bells on the door so it sounds magical each time you come in and out of the house from Dec. 1-31. We change some of the the prints/paintings/photos in the house seasonally as a way to mark the year changes. Just little things and personal touches spark joy for us.

    • Anon

      No advice, just sympathy. My entire childhood was like this. Laughing and deep emotion is simply not in my family’s DNA. I was an only child, too, so my life was just…silent. I say that it’s no accident that my husband’s most attractive physical quality to me is the great big crinkles at the corners of his eyes – you know someone spends their life laughing when it’s etched into their face. Building a life that’s fun and relaxed and loving and boisterous was incredibly important to me.

      And FWIW, my entire family suffers from mild (mopey/grumpy/glass half empty) depression – everyone in the last decade has started taking at least a small dose of an anti-depressant.

    • Another anon

      My ex-husband was not like this initially, but as he developed a drinking problem and (my diagnosis) accompanying depression, he was just as OP describes. I once asked if there was anything he was looking forward to in life and he said, well, there will be movies I’d like to see. Towards the end legit the only things we did together were grocery shop and talk about surface level things just like you said. I was not able to fix this in my relationship but I sure hope that you can because it is no way to live.

  14. Calm App

    Any Calm app users here? I have been using for about 2 months and the app has soooo much content, I need guidance on what to try. I really love some (not all) of the sleep stories, the various sleep meditations, the soundscapes and nature sounds, occasionally the focus or relax music. Would really like a go-to meditation for waking up in the morning, settling my mind mid-day when the there is chaos in the news, and like a “SOS I’m freaking out and can’t function” meditation. Interested in others I haven’t even thought of. What are your faves?

    • Anonymous

      I was using it a lot a year or two ago so I suspect the app has grown/changed since then. My go-to — the 5 min or “free” meditation using one of the background sounds — whatever I was in the mood for with some though to wear I was. There was a time I was meditating at the office and always thought it would be obvious to have rain sounds going so there I’d use the fireplace background — which provides enough noise that it’s something to focus on but you could barely hear it if you walked by the doorway to my office (IDK if these backgrounds are still the same though).

    • kk

      John Mcenroe reading the rules of tennis is my favorite sleep story, followed closely by the guy reading the GDPR. I’m happy to follow their recommended courses- I did the Lebron James course for a week and then did the daily stoic one.

    • Vicky Austin

      I’ve just started using it, but I swear I saw a meditation called “SOS Panic.”

      The sleep stories I’ve liked so far are Wild Sweden and A Night in Shakespeare’s London.

    • MKB

      I do the daily 10 min meditation most days, and I ‘favorite’ the ones that particularly resonate with me so I can come back to them later. Maybe give that a shot for a month or so?

  15. Anonymous

    Having a hard time today ladies – anon for this. Age 40 and likely am not going to have a spouse or kids; this is something I’m normally fine with and actually enjoy my life; sure there’s some loneliness but really not all that much. But after a few weeks away at my family of origin’s house it became apparent to me HOW lonely I am/I am going to be. I guess it’s hitting me hard that that realization occurred to me with my only family. Parents are aging and honestly it’s all about their health, doctors appointments, rehashing said health and drs appointments, whatever loud blaring TV they watch, their non stop conversations with and about relatives, and generally what THEY want to talk about. They hardly ask about me. My sister and I have nothing in common and in 2 weeks there we talked about nothing except parents, parents’ health — most times we can just sit in a room and say nothing to each other. I realize mommy and daddy aren’t interested in a 40 year old like a 4 year old and I realize that sisters don’t have to be best friends and frankly I’ve always had deeper conversations with my few girl friends than I’ve ever had with my sister. But IDK something about it all hurts. Like wow I’m so lonely with my only family around, what am I going to do later in life??

    • Airplane.

      Be with your chosen family! Your close girlfriends. Your close friends. I wouldn’t close the door on a spouse or meeting a spouse who has children and having children in your life that way. Age 40 is not the end of your social life. Can you combat your loneliness by strengthening your existing relationships?

    • DC+Anon

      Would you be interested in taking matters into your own hands and trying to have a child on your own (or adopting)?

    • Anon

      I’m so sorry. That is certainly depressing.

      This isn’t as possible during COVID, but you might have more positive bonding experiences with your family if you get out of the house and do things together. Sitting around watching TV and trying to have conversations for hours on end would make even relatively good relationships seem sour.

      I’m not trying to minimize your feelings – just adding another way to look at it that might offer more room for hope.

    • CountC

      I also am single and 40 (and childless but that’s my choice and will stay that way). It also sounds like my family is somewhat similar to yours. I am not at all close with my sister and haven’t seen her in years. I also am not close with my parents, although they sound healthier than yours at this point.

      It has helped me to reframe my thoughts about what “family” is. I choose my friends as my family. I almost always would rather spend time with my friends than with my blood family and, as such, I do my best to nurture those relationships wtih the understanding that they wax and wane over the years. Absent some major life changes, I don’t see me and my current close groups of girlfriends (several from different periods in my life) growing so far apart that I will not have some people who I am close to and can rely on for companionship and friendship.

      I’ve also never expected my family to take care of me or to be there for me as I got older because our relationships have never been close. Perhaps this has helped me with expectations and not feeling the sense of future lonliness that you do? That’s not to say that when all of my friends are busy and I am in my house alone, I don’t feel lonely. I certainly do! But I also realize that it will pass as a feeling and I will have moments where I am very happy and very content with the people who are part of my life and are not blood family.

      I’m sorry your are having a hard time – I understand!

      • Anon

        This is really great advice. Some people just aren’t close with their families and that’s okay. They form wonderful, affirming, healthy relationships with other people and end up having a great chosen family.

        I’ll also throw this out there. My family of origin is almost like a cult: enforced closeness and conformity, complete exclusion of outsiders (including spouses of grown children, except to keep them close enough to keep an eye on them). It’s horrible and creepy, but from the outside, it’s this totally perfect family.

      • Anonymous

        In normal times I would have said that I was like you and that was the way I understand friends and family and my single life. Yes alone, but no loney. I could do thing alone, with friends or joining a group.
        But.. with COVID everything has changed and I feel totally isolated. Where I live there are strong restrictions and that make practically imposible to have a social life. I hope that this will end soon, but with the months I am feeling worst.
        Not sure if I am looking for comiseration or for strategies to face the coming (cold) months.
        Thanks.

    • Anonymous

      IDK if there’s any cultural angle here but just to give you my experience — I’m from a culture where it is ALL about the parents and siblings esp if you aren’t married. Like friends don’t matter at all because FAMILY. It took a while to realize that while it may have been like that in the old country 50 years ago for a variety of reasons (including no one ever moved out unmarried and you had 7-8 siblings and you were all raised as a herd with no individual interests), it isn’t like that in the U.S. where you and your one sibling may have pursued different jobs/lifestyles/live in different cities etc. and you picked up a lot of culture that you liked after you left your parents’ home for college so you may not see eye to eye with them anymore — so it’s hard to be the “dutiful” daughter when you’re in their home because in your own head you’re thinking — I’m a 40 year old ADULT with my own home, job, life, thanks. This may not be THAT big of a deal and may just be part of growing into your own life.

    • Anonie

      I’m so sorry, truly. I agree with those who mention adoption as one possible way to create your own family, if and only if that appeals to you.

      I also agree that, whether or not you decide to pursue single parenthood, it’s really great that you have female friends you can rely on. Can you plan some ways to invest in those friendships? Maybe planning a big trip together post-pandemic or, in the meantime, sending them care packages and setting up regular Zoom calls/socially-distanced hangouts/insert whatever activities you feel comfortable with. Also, does making more new friendships appeal to you? If so, perhaps there are hobbies or existing social circles you can lean into to make those connections?

      Would investing more time in dating help you feel more in control of your love life? I phrase that as a question because that may or may not make you feel more empowered. Online/app dating can be rough in the short-term but fruitful in the long-term, if it interests you.

      Whatever you decide, wishing you cheer and encouragement this Monday.

  16. Anonymous

    My goal this year was to do a ballroom dance competition. Had given up on that happening but I just decided to do a Zoom competition! I think it will be really fun, if a bit weird, and a couple busy weeks of practice but very excited!

  17. Family Illness Advice

    My estranged parent has had recent major health events, including a diagnosis of blood cancer and organs on the verge of failure. It is possible that my parent will not recover. Parent and I have been estranged for years due to toxic tendencies. We go through periods of not talking, and have not spoken in several months. I’ve been in therapy and have been very happy with the boundaries I’ve drawn and no contact is what works best for me and my emotional health. My disabled adult sibling, with whom I have regular contact, lives with this parent. My sibling works minimum wage jobs, but is not fully independent due to a brain injury. Now with the parent’s health event, I feel the need and desire to go help my sibling, and by extension, my parent. My impression is that my sibling does not fully understand the situation with our parent’s health.

    They live across the country, so I will be temporarily staying at the family home. My goal is for a few weeks to help them get through the unknown and most intense periods. My job is currently fully remote, so that isn’t a huge issue. I would really appreciate any advice or input on how to support the sibling and parent, while also maintaining my own well-being and boundaries.

    • Ses

      Is it possible to stay separately and just go over to help out each day after work? I would find it very hard to be totally immersed in that after being estranged, and it could lead to you losing boundaries you’ve worked hard on, or taking on some responsibilities without having time to properly think through whether you can/should take them.

    • Anon

      From a legal perspective: learn about what the state and federal government offer in terms of assistance. This is something for both your parent and your disabled sibling. Talk to an attorney about protecting assets for your disabled sibling. Ensure that both your parent and your sibling have some form of estate planning in place, as deemed appropriate by an attorney.

      Go in with a plan for what you want to accomplish as well as a date to return to your own home state.

    • JDMD

      Does your estranged parent have a healthcare proxy? If they haven’t designated someone to make their healthcare decisions if they are incapacitated, you might be the default decision-maker, possibly along with your adult sibling (though if your sibling does not understand your parent’s health situation, they might not be able to participate in decision-making). It sounds like this could be an emotionally challenging responsibility for you, and I’d recommend thinking through other arrangements that would not put you in an undesirable position.

      I’d also see if there is a plan for caring for your adult sibling in the event that your parent does not survive their illness. Will they need a legal guardian?

  18. Anon

    I’ve had one for 20 years (I bought a bowl-lift model from Costco back in the day, “commercial quality,” no complaints on how it operates). We use it about three times a year when we get a wild hair to do some type of baking or cooking where the hand mixer (or hand mixing) won’t cut it. Making rolled Christmas cookies is an example. Ours is heavy and it lives under the counter so dragging it out is a pain. I will say, there are some things I just wouldn’t do without a Kitchenaid, because otherwise it would be too much effort and result in sore elbows. I don’t regret purchasing it but if you don’t really bake or cook very much, there are other places to put your money. We have a Cuisinart food processor, also 20 years old, and I use that thing all.the.time. to make ground chicken for lettuce wraps, pie crust for sloppy-looking fruit tarts, chopping large quantities of mirepoix, etc. etc. I feel like if I liked to cook, had neither appliance, and $250 to spend, I would spend it on a good food processor vs. a stand mixer.

    • Anon

      Whoops, this was a nesting fail for the question above about KitchenAid mixers!

  19. Cat

    Global Entry update- for anyone else pending a renewal at PHL, a bunch of times just opened up over the last two weeks of October.

  20. Anonymous

    Have the leaves turned anywhere in NJ yet that would be worth a drive? I think I’ll have a day to myself either on Friday or Monday and would love to go somewhere within an hour’s drive (prefer southern NJ/Philadelphia or central NJ – not really wanting to go to north NJ or NY as that’s a longer drive). Also interested in a drive someplace scenic rather than having to drive and park and then hike a few miles for the views. Anything leap to mind?

  21. Flats Only

    I had one, and used it for a few years. It was fun, and nice to have fresh herbs in the winter. My house is north facing, so there was no question of growing things on a windowsill. I didn’t need to keep the house warmer than usual. We had the aerogarden on the dining room sideboard (a little used spot with good access to an outlet), and the bright light was great for helping me wake up during breakfast. It also did a nice job of keeping the humidity level up indoors during dry winter weather. All in all a good purchase.

  22. "Normal"

    I have one child who is “normal” and another who passed for normal as a younger child but now fits in much less due to some communications delays / autism spectrum processing issues. Both have normal IQs and go to normal public schools (until now). I am thinking that as one kid becomes increasingly not “normal”, it is probably time to move that kid to a general private school (can actually police bullying, smaller class sizes, make needed accommodations, tendency to make sure kids learn vs thinking that the job is just to deliver lecture content and some kids get it and some are just left behind). If you have grown up in a household like this, would you think it best to move the kids both to private school so that there isn’t a sense of have/have-not among siblings? Other sibling dynamics to consider? Kids are same-gender and close in age and generally get along as well as siblings can, especially after 7+ months of lockdown.

    * I know that public schools are supposed to follow IEPs and provide services, but ours seems determined not to and I’m tired of fighting every day. I want my kids to go to school and learn, not go to school and have to be tutored to master already-taught content for several hours when their nerves are fried and their patience is worn out.

    • anon

      I haven’t grown up in a house like this, but I have one neurotypical kid who could seemingly thrive anywhere and a kiddo with ADHD who can thrive under the right, very specific circumstances. If you can manage having both kids in the same school, I’d go that route.

      I’d keep a few things in mind:
      1) Private school may not be the cure-all you’re expecting. Really do your homework and talk to others in your situation if you can. I know a number of families who have gone the private school route only to find out that they paid a lot of lip service to accommodations but weren’t any better at handling bullying and differentiation than the public school. Most have ended up in the public school system again, because why pay for what you’re not getting?
      2) How does your neurotypical kid deal with change? Is this going to be a huge disruption in his/her world, or a blip on the radar? How settled are they into the school community?

      I completely understand that you’re tired of fighting. I have been there. But you may be in for lots of advocacy no matter where you go.

      • Anonymous

        This. Kindergarten teacher at my kids public school had both her kids in the well regarded local private school – they were minimally accommodating re ADHD and the kids ended up switching to private.

        Is your high functioning child doing regular ABA? My college friend has two kids with ASD. Her son is more severely affected but her daughter has done so well with ABA that she doesn’t think she would actually screen in for it anymore (they are continuing with the ABA because every age has different needs and the teenage years are a tough time socially).

        I would not rely on the school whether public or private to provide the only source of therapies/resources.

        • Anon

          I would avoid ABA as a way to get ASD children to tolerate a school environment that doesn’t meet their needs. I recommend reading broadly about what adults with ASD have to say about their experiences with different kinds of school and with ABA.

          • Anonymous

            That’s not the suggestion – I’m highlighting that she needs to pursue treatment options outside of the school context as the school context may change depending on what school is the right fit at what time.

            ABA is the standard therapy in many Canadian provinces and I’ve seen it be exceptionally helpful for high functioning kids in particular.

          • Anonymous

            +1000% — ABA has been compared to gay conversion therapy. It is trying to take square pegs and force them into round holes. The only reason it has so much support at large is because it’s so data-driven so they can “prove” success, but other (kinder, gentler, more humane, developmental-based methods) are better.

          • Anon

            There are much better therapies than ABA for high functioning kids. ABA is theoretically outdated and is only really evidence based if we miss the way that ABA research moves the goalposts.

      • Anon

        +1 on private schools not providing good services for disabilities, because they don’t have to.

        In your shoes I’d take the money you’d spend on private school tuition and hire an educational attorney to help you navigate the school process.

        You didn’t say you were going to do this but I want to share a story – a friend came from a family where all the money for education went to her special brother (who was on the mild end of disability – her parents to some degree were compensating for guilt by spending a lot of money on his special Ed.) By the time my friend went to college, there was no money for her tuition. She did and does feel resentful that the treatment was so unequal. So I think you have a good thought about if you send one to private school you should send the other. That said, I don’t think private school is the answer.

    • Anonymous

      I wouldn’t fret about sending the kids to different schools. Different children have different needs. If your older child is doing well and is happy in public school then there’s no need to change it. You can always reassess at middle school and high school. FWIW my sibling send one kid to private and one to public and it worked out fine. Both had their educational needs met and went on to graduate from good colleges.

    • Anon

      My goal would be to provide both kids with what they need when they need it. Take some of the money that you would use to put your neurotypical kid in private school and stick it in a high-yield savings account, money market account, 529, etc. for his/her use later. That child may later need or want advanced courses, physical therapy for sports injuries, expensive summer camps, graduate school, or even a down payment on a house. That child may later have special needs that are not apparent now.

      I would present it to the child as, “There are things that your sibling needs now, and there are things you’re going to need later. We will take care of both of your needs as they come up, and it will come out in the wash at the end.”

    • Anon

      I think it’s fine to send your kids to two different schools – my cousin does that and it is clear that the private school is best for the disabled child’s needs as they have a specific program for kids with her disability. If you know your kid can be accommodate better elsewhere, why not? That said, it may be worth looking into a lawyer to help with the issues you’re having with the public school.

    • Anonymous

      Seems like you have nothing but contempt for your local public school so idk why you’d leave your “normal” kid there. FYI if you think of your kids as normal and not normal they both are fully aware of that. Idk the whole post is just ick.

      • anon

        She put “normal” in scare quotes, so while I agree that it’s not the best terminology to use, it seems to reflect a lack of adequate language rather than regressive views of her children.

        Also, saying a particular school isn’t doing a great job of meeting a particular student’s needs is not “nothing but contempt”.

        • Anon

          None of the language is great. In place of normal I use neurotypical but that does not apply to all disability situations. I guess you could say my “non-disabled” child but that’s a bit of a mouthful. Or my child without autistm/ADD/dyslexia.

      • Anonie

        I am far from an expert in this space, but I thought “atypical” was a preferred term. I agree that, while the OP’s intentions were hopefully good, the use of the word “normal” came across as callous and hopefully not reflective of how she speaks to and about her children in spaces where they may overhear her.

    • Anonymous

      It’s never occurred to me to send my NT son to a private school that would be good for my ND son. My ND’s son’s needs are different.

    • Anon

      echoing the not all private schools are created equal. and neither are all public schools. if you can find a private school that is a good fit for both kids and it is within your budget, your life will likely be logistically easier if they are in the same school. where i’m from the private schools do not always have the same breaks as public schools, etc. i know siblings who’ve attended different private schools, different public schools and one in private vs one in public

    • Anonymous

      Where we live, you absolutely would not want to send those two children to the same private school. The neurotypical kid would go to a standard private school. The kid on the spectrum would never get in to the standard private schools, and if they did they would be miserable and/or wouldn’t last long. The kid on the spectrum would go either to one particular school that is less selective and more accommodating of individual differences (where you wouldn’t send a neurotypical kid who could get in to any of the other mainstream schools) or to the school that is set up specifically to teach non-neurotypical children.

      I agree with the recommendation to start with an educational attorney to get the IEP implemented in public school, unless you are in a position to be able to put each kid through the private school that is best for them and pay for college, or unless the neurotypical kid has access to a really excellent public school that is a better fit for them than private school (such options do exist in some places). Or unless you want your neurotypical kid to resent the favoritism and drift away from you in adulthood.

      • Anon

        But many schools just aren’t good environments, no matter what the IEP says. If the classroom size is too large, if there’s too much noise and commotion, if the overhead lights flicker, if there are strong smells of cleaning chemicals (or conversely mildew), these are all significant issues for many students with sensory sensitivities. Some students with social challenges need a lot of downtime (time specifically away from other people) and more explicit instruction in social norms, usually focused on adult social norms since that’s what they’ll ultimately need to know (peer social norms aren’t all that helpful). Lots of social exposure can be counterproductive. And larger schools often have a harder time with bullying and mockery (which really are not part of the culture at every school).

      • Anon

        You may be speaking from experience so I don’t want to discount your story but there are many kids that grow up non-resentful that their parents treated a kid with special needs differently than a kid who did not have such special needs. Kids are able to understand that equitable does not mean equal. I know plenty of adults that intend to care for their neurodivergent sibling after their parent passes and I haven’t heard a single negative thing about the fact that the ND kid got different services/school than the NT kid.

    • Anonymous

      Some more points to (maybe) consider from the NT child’s point of view. May be totally irrelevant in your case, who knows?

      Do you know whether your NT child currently is managing a lot for you atypical child? It could easily be that they are talking the older child role very, very seriously – a lot more than you know – and spending time at school trying to smooth things over and look out for the younger child and “fix” things. If so, this could be exhausting, and keeping your older child from making their best life at school. They might also be moderating at home, trying not to be an (additional) burden to you.

      So it could possibly be a relief for them to know that this job is for grown-ups, and let them focus on their own developement.

      Siblings of atypical/spectrum children can be lonely, and IIRC have a greater risk of being alone and without a partner as adults (I don’t remember the study reference, sorry). Depending on the sibling, they may not get warmth or emotional support from their sibling. If you and your partner have emotionally close sibling bonds, remember that your children may have very different bonds. (And no, this has nothing to do with loving your sibling, it’s possible to love them and still get zero support from them.)

      It’s also hard emotionally to see more attention, rescourses and quality time be given to the sibling, and can feel unfair. The idea of setting aside money for their future needs parallell with the investment in the atypical sibling from the comment above seems very smart if economically possible.

      Best tip: make sure to give alone, quality time with parents also for NT sibling.

  23. Anon for this

    My job search may be coming to an end this week! After being laid off six months ago, a tech company moved fast with me last week – phone screen Tuesday, final round interview with the hiring manager Friday, and the recruiter told me she was submitting an offer for approval Friday night. I really like them and I’m excited by the possibility of joining their team.

    Thing is, this is a contract role, and before I initiated the process for this role I interviewed with a full-time opportunity with a local nonprofit (and I generally prefer full-time over contract). I told the recruiter of the contract role that I wanted to hear back from the nonprofit before accepting an offer, just to make an informed decision. I followed up with the nonprofit and let them know I’m at the offer stage with another company, and if they don’t respond by tomorrow I’m gonna forget about it. Is this the right thing to do here?

    • Anon

      Yes I think so. If the non profit doesn’t even respond they’re probably not going to hire you. Take the contract work.

      • Anon for this

        Yeah, I wouldn’t be surprised if they’re either planning to reject me, ghosting me, or taking a long time to decide. Me following up with them was mostly to get a concrete answer from them so I’m not wondering “what if” after taking the contract.

        • Anon

          I feel you. I had a series of phone interviews and zoom calls with a company that seemed on fire time-wise, and now crickets since the last call. No idea why, but their loss!!

          • Anon for this

            To be fair, the whole process with this nonprofit has been glacial. I applied in July, phone screen end of August, and the virtual interview last week. The tech company was like lightning, application to offer submittal was about a week. I’m mostly leaning towards them because they seem to really want me and I want to work where I’m appreciated.

    • AnonMPH

      I work in a quasi-non profit and I would say that they may just be really slow. Not to say you should wait around for them to figure it out, but just…non profit hiring is very slow. Also possible you are their second choice and they are waiting to hear if their first choice accepts or rejects before letting you off the hook. If you are happy to take the tech job instead, it doesn’t really matter. But if you’d really rather hear the nonprofit decision first, it just may take a while. At my org, our HR is garbage and doesn’t do any of the work in the hiring process, so everything gets super bogged down while the rest of us who have a million other responsibilities try to squeeze it in during our busy days. It’s super dysfunctional, and certainly means we sometimes lose good people.

  24. anon

    Because everything feels out of control right now, I’m obsessing about Thanksgiving. How are we going to do this? Between my family of four, my parents, siblings and their families, we are a crew of 20. All are within a one-hour drive of our house. (We usually host.) November in the upper Midwest is COLD; an outdoor celebration with a little patio heater isn’t going to cut it. But it’s super irresponsible to have an indoor gathering, right? My parents could probably make the rounds to various houses, but that’s not any safer in terms of exposure, not to mention exhausting. Asking people to quarantine ahead of time is not practical. All of our kids attend school or daycare, two of my siblings are teachers, another one is an RN. DH and I are the only ones who can work from home right now. Parents are in good health but are considered higher risk because of age. I can’t wrap my brain around this and figure out a creative solution to be together.

    • Thanks, it has pockets!

      Honestly, if you can’t do it outdoors and it’s not practical to ask everyone to quarantine for 14 days, I just wouldn’t gather this year. Do a family Zoom hangout at some point during the day. I know it stinks, you really want to be together because it’s tradition, but remember, it’s just for this year! We’ll probably be able to resume our holiday traditions by next fall.

    • Anon

      In the scenario you described where no one can quarantine and at least a few people are in service professions, then yeah, it would be too irresponsible to have a gathering of that size. I know it’s disappointing, but it would be a horrendous, stressful holiday if someone ended up getting really sick.

    • Not THAT anon

      I think this is one of those years where I have to accept it just will not be what I wanted, and I will pivot. I think we’ll lean toward not having a Thanksgiving with family who aren’t living with us already. So, for us, that means spouse and kids. It will not be the same, but it will be safer and I won’t have to deal with covid anxiety (mine or others!). I was thinking of trying to organize a family zoom call either during dinner, but more likely after. Everyone together online for a least a little conversation, maybe some games if there are any takers. My siblings live within 30 min from us, but one works with an at-risk group and one is not in great health, and cases are beginning to tick up again here. We do have one family member relatively close who is single, and I may talk to that person and see if they want to join us. Thanksgiving alone I think is more cruel, and it’s a risk I’m willing to take. My own immediate household has no underlying conditions, and the few people we’re in “contact” with are similar, but of course we don’t know their second-tier contacts, so I think we’ll not do a larger family gathering.

    • anne-on

      I just don’t think you can do the holiday the same way this year as you’d done in the past with that many different bubbles coming together.
      Would it be possible to have a group email/text chain to brainstorm other options and pre-emptively let people know you’re not comfortable hosting this year (so they can make other plans). What about a virtual pie tasting? Setting a time to watch a holiday movie together via zoom/facetime and Netflix? Or just lean in hard to making it special for your own small family – make all of YOUR favorites, not the dishes you ‘have’ to make because mom/dad/cousin anna loves that. Make just the sides! Or chicken instead of turkey! Eat pies for lunch!

    • Anonymous

      Zoom Thanksgiving.

      Alternatively, each of the siblings takes turns hosting the grandparents. This is much less risky than everyone together. Like if one person has it then they have to pass it on to the grandparents and the grandparents then have to pass it on so it’s one more level removed. Option to space the dinners out by a week to make it less risky. Draw straws for who gets actual Thanksgiving.

      • Thanks, it has pockets!

        Oh yeah, this could work too! Might wanna space them out by two weeks, but if you start around Thanksgiving you can end it around Christmas.

    • anon8

      Just do your own thing with your own family. I don’t think there is any creative solution to getting your whole crew together. Yeah it sucks not having a big family gathering, but that’s how things are these days.

    • Cat

      Yeah this is not a good idea this year for all the reasons you mentioned. All it takes is one of the 20 to be presymptomatic, and you have a big outbreak. I’d have your parents at your house (because you’re WFH) but otherwise stay separate.

      We’ll be traveling for Thanksgiving to the upper Midwest ourselves- but it will be for a gathering of 5 people total, none of whom have the extra exposure factors you mention (all WFH, no kids, minimal socializing).

    • Airplane.

      If you are really committed and it is in the budget, rent an outdoor space like the patio deck of restaurant and have it heavily heated wth heatlamps and firepits. But realistically, you’re just not going to get 20 people indoors responsibily unless you all qurantine beforehand which you said is not possible.

    • Anonie

      Could renting a tent and MULTIPLE patio heaters (4 – 6) be an option? And providing blankets for people to pile on their laps? I live somewhere that only occasionally has extreme winters, so forgive this suggestion if just won’t cut it for your climate.

      • Vicky Austin

        I live less than a day’s drive from the Canadian border and would totally consider this, weatherwise at least. The exposure of multiple teachers and a nurse is another issue and I would be more wary about that.

    • Anonymous

      Here’s the thing: you don’t. Because there’s a pandemic. Your parents go to one house. Everyone else stays home. You call each other.

      • Anon

        +1

        “I can’t wrap my brain around this and figure out a creative solution to be together” You don’t. It’s really as simple as that.

      • Anon

        Thanks for saying this. Americans in particular are terrible at delayed gratification. Skipping the big family Thanksgiving for one year will not kill you. COVID, on the other hand, might.

        • Anon

          I’m not gathering with extended family and I don’t think OP should have 20 people inside her house, but I also think it’s kind of demeaning to say it’s just one year. We know by now that things likely won’t be much better by next fall, and that’s assuming things go great with the vaccine development and roll-out – if there are major hiccups with the vaccines currently in development we could easily be in this mess though 2022 or beyond. A large part of why people are so reluctant to put their lives on hold is that the experts keep extending the timeline for when this will be over and there’s no clear end date in sight.

          • Anon

            It’s because people want to rush back to normal that the timeline keeps getting extended. You don’t have to “put your life on hold” – find new ways to live it. I can think of at least three or four positive, fun ways to spend Thanksgiving solo. Changing my mindset helps a lot.

          • anon

            OP, yes, this. We’ve been extremely cautious and I know this isn’t a great idea — but also? I don’t want to delay celebrating the holidays for who knows how long at this point. There is no end in sight, no plan, no end game.

          • Anon

            I’m talking about delays in the timeline that have nothing to do with people’s behavior. Fauci and other government experts definitely originally said there would be a vaccine end of 2020/beginning of 2021 and that was when a return to normalcy would happen, and now they are saying end of 2021/beginning of 2022 because it will take a year to get the vaccine distributed to everyone. I understand that the timeline hasn’t really changed (vaccine approval comes a full before widespread availability of the vaccine) but that message wasn’t communicated well to the public at all, so people perceive it as a delay of a year. And again this hinges on everything going perfectly with development and rollout, any snags there push the timeline out further.

    • Anonymous

      Not really helpful for this specific question, but is anyone else secretly happy about being forced into low key holidays this year? Last year my parents and siblings all came to visit for Christmas and I had a 5 week old baby (our first). They were all very well meaning but it was a really stressful disaster and not particularly enjoyable. I’m just hoping for a quiet holiday alone this year with my husband and baby. It’s only 1 year, I’m sure the insanity will return full force in 2021.

      • Anon

        I have done thanksgiving with my husband and kids only for several years now. Sometimes I include a couple of local “orphans” (adult friends who live far from their parents and decide not to travel to them) but rarely more than six people total. I don’t love our thanksgivings.

        I stopped going to my mom’s thanksgiving because it was a raucous mess with it’s too many people that don’t get along with each other. The food was never good and never on time, and the men sit in the living room not-helping with either prep or cleanup. It drove me nuts. I told my mom I’d rather travel to see her when we could have one on one time and I think she was almost relieved!

        • Anon

          Haha typo – I do love our thanksgivings. I think totally corrected to don’t.

    • Anonymous

      Not to pick on you, but questions like this make me want to hibernate this winter and not come out til March. People are totally going to do stuff like this because “it couldn’t happen to me/we’re all healthy/we’re clean/etc.”

      • Anon

        We’re not sending our kid back to daycare after Thanksgiving in part because we anticipate a huge spike in cases. Everyone we know is gathering with family, including the people who have been really cautious so far. There were noticeable bumps from the summer holiday weekends and I expect Thanksgiving to be 10x worse.

        • Anon

          +1. People are very bad at assessing risk and very intent on preserving the “normal” of the past. We’re going to be extra cautious after Thanksgiving too.

    • Anon

      I think it’s irresponsible to have that many people gathered indoors. We’ve accepted that we can’t see my parents or in-laws this year; with a kid in daycare it’s just too risky. We’re hoping to see my husband’s sister and her partner, they are (like us) low risk and all the adults work from home/don’t go out and our kid is not going back to daycare after Thanksgiving so there is minimal risk to the community from our gathering. We will probably also try to get tested before. We did a zoom Passover in the spring and it was surprisingly fun, so we’ll probably try to do Zoom Thanksgiving with extended family.

    • Betsy

      We’re having Thanksgiving this month before it gets too cold to eat outside. We will have different tables set up outside for each household, and everyone will be masked aside from when they are actually eating. We’ll have a fire pit going to take the chill off. People will have to go inside to use the bathroom, and we’ll be running an air purifier in the bathroom and set out sanitizing wipes. Not sure what we’ll do on actual Thanksgiving but at least we will have had a nice celebration before the winter hits.

  26. Anon

    What’s your favorite t-shirt bra that comes in a DD or DDD? I am so far beyond the point of needing new bras!

  27. Really just need to vent

    I had emergency surgery less than a week ago. I was back in the office in less than 48 hours because day after tomorrow is the last day in this position. I couldn’t leave a mess for my replacement and was scheduled to start training him today. He was literally here for less than 10 minutes this morning before he bailed out because his was “tired” from his weekend. I really need to adopt the attitude of co-workers and just take care of myself and all else be damned! And this after I checked in with him last night, explaining that I wasn’t even 50 % but would come in to help him transition and he asked me to come in… Oh to be home on the couch with painkillers!

    • Anonymous

      Please get some therapy at some point or you’ll never figure this out

    • Flats Only

      F*ck that guy. You’re recovering from surgery. Go home to the sofa with the painkillers and let him figure it out on his own.

    • PolyD

      Yeah, you need to set boundaries. You should not be going to the office less than 48 hours after emergency surgery.

      I don’t want to sound harsh, but very few people are really indispensable to their jobs. They’ll manage without you. And, I don’t want to sound grim, but had you died during the emergency surgery, guess what? Your company would pick right up and keep going. Under these circumstances, you CAN leave a mess for them. If the transition was going to be that difficult, the company could have brought the replacement in sooner to train.

      On the other hand, you are indispensable to your loved ones, so why risk not being healthy for them just because of a job you are leaving anyway?

    • pugsnbourbon

      If you can, you should go home. And don’t go in tomorrow – your replacement had his chance at training today.

  28. Anon

    My kids are making a lot of noise about going to a pumpkin patch. I am on the very cautious end on covid precautions as I’m slightly immunocompromised due to drugs I take for an autoimmune disease. Plus I believe in science and all that jazz.

    I’m hesitant to go to a pumpkin patch this year. I remember past years being kind of disorganized and crowded, and I can’t imagine how they maintain 6 foot spacing and enforce mask wearing.

    Has anyone been to one yet, and how did you deal with the covid issues?

    • anon

      We went apple and pumpkin picking on a weekday recently and it was not crowded at all. We didn’t come near anyone. This one has a little open air train that takes people around, and only one family was in each “car.” Spending time outdoors seems like the lowest risk activity you could do.

    • Anon

      A friend of mine with a severe immune deficiency managed to sneakily “create” a pumpkin patch in her backyard. The pictures looked really sweet. I don’t know if you even have a backyard, but I thought it was a fun and successful solution.

    • Anonie

      My sibling and their spouse are in healthcare and are quite cautious (although not by the measures of this board, which skews more cautious than anything I have seen elsewhere, though I genuinely appreciate the insight). They decided to bring their 6-month-old to a pumpkin patch recently. Mom and dad wore masks, everything was outdoors of course, and they were able to socially distance from all other families. They communicated that it was a really nice time. Just one anecdote!

    • cbackson

      We went to one that was limiting the number of visitors. To be honest, it was more crowded than we expected, and so we made the kids wear masks the whole time except when we were literally in the middle of the field alone, and kept them at a distance from any unmasked people (of which there were more than I would have expected). We also waited to get on the hayride until we saw that nobody else was lined up to do it.

    • Anon

      We recently went to one at 9 am on a Sunday morning (church time in our area) and didn’t come near anyone except when we paid for our pumpkins and the checkout person was masked, as were we. It felt very safe to me and we’ve been pretty cautious so far, only doing takeout and outdoor activities where we can distance and don’t stay near the same people for a while (so no restaurants, even outside). I think people underestimate how much duration of contact matters in addition to distance. You don’t normally get sick by walking by an infected person, even closer than six feet. You can easily get infected if you sit 8’ away from an infected person for an hour.

      • Anon

        I don’t think that is 100% true. I know two people whose only outings were masked grocery store trips and they got it.

        Any doctor would tell you these are just guidelines and there’s a lot we still don’t know.

        • Anon

          I didn’t say it was impossible to get it at the grocery store (although many people downplay their contacts when they test positive out of fear of being judged). I just said that duration of contact matters too, and that being 8′ feet away from someone for an hour may be riskier than walking 3′ away from someone for five seconds. I have lots of MDs and immunologists in my family and they all say this, that is some combination of distance and duration that determines the risk. But you pretty much only hear about distance in the media.

    • anon

      We haven’t but probably will. My plan is to go during off-peak hours — maybe on a weekday after school, or early on a Sunday morning. And there’s certain attractions we’ll probably skip.

    • Lots+to+Learn

      We went apple picking yesterday and it was a zoo, with tons of people. I’d say about half wore masks. The picking part was fine – everyone went to their own trees / area. The kids’ activities (like a train, bouncy thing, etc.) were too close for my comfort, and I was glad my daughter is 18 and not 8! I think a patch is perfectly fine – you just wear masks except when you’re effectively alone.

  29. Anon

    i just returned from an ENT appointment where the doctor kept taking off his mask to point to different parts of the nose while i was unmasked so he could examine me (i quickly put my mask back on)- why can’t he use a computer image or a diagram or something? in retrospect i should’ve said something, but i was too busy trying to get my mask back on

    • Anon

      I was annoyed that my neurologist had his resident take off my mask for the facial portion of the standard neurological exam that I’ve had a billion times with the same results, and then made me take my mask off again for him to do the exact same exam himself. I can answer the question whether I can feel things that touch my face without reenacting it, I swear. (Maybe they’re also examining for twitches or something visible on the face, I don’t know, but I felt like there should have been a bit more conversation over this.)

    • Anon

      The pharmacist who gave me my flu shot was not wearing a mask! People are crazy, and the healthcare profession is not immune.

  30. Anonyz

    I just bought a new phone and applied a $30 glass protector…despite attempting lab-sterile conditions, it still has crud under it. This will irrationally annoy me for days. Apparently I have discovered a new pet peeve.

    • Anon

      I always think of the glass as the strongest part of my phone, so long as I have a good case protecting the edges from falls. I drop my phone 3x a day and have never cracked a screen yet! Maybe I’m just lucky.

      • Senior Attorney

        A while back I went for weeks and weeks thinking I had cracked the screen of my phone, and it turned out I had cracked the screen protector.

        Yes, I am a big ol’ dork.

        • Lizbet

          I took my phone in to file a warranty claim for my cracked screen — and they pointed out it was the glass protector. Doh!!!

  31. Anon

    My mom is now spraying Windex on the top of the toaster to clean it. Dementia or no? I hope this doesn’t result in a fire.

    The older my parents get, the more they put me on edge.

    • anon

      Is that bad? I assume the toaster is off and she doesn’t use it before the Windex has dried/evaporated.

    • Anonie

      If I had a toaster with a shiny/reflective surface, I might try the same thing. (For the record, I have not.)

      • Anon

        +1 as someone who lost several grandparents to dementia, this is not dementia. All older people develop weird quirks (or feel more free to let their weird quirks come out) but this doesn’t even seem that weird to me.

    • Anon

      Isn’t Windex flammable? I’m sure some of the spray got inside.

      My mother used to be so paranoid about fire. Now, she leaves the house with the iron on, the coffee pot plugged in, and doesn’t blink an eye when she comes home to discover it.

    • anon

      Ummm … what’s wrong with that? It’s a shiny surface, and presumably she’ll be wiping off the surface. Anything that falls inside is going to evaporate.

    • MagicUnicorn

      Is it unplugged? If so, well, I don’t want to eat toasted Windex residue myself, but she’s not going to electrocute anyone as long as the toaster is unplugged.

    • Anonymous

      I don’t think it’s a sign of dementia. I think it’s a sign that you need to move out of your parents’ house and back into your apartment.

    • Anon

      It won’t result in a fire, the alcohol evaporates almost immediately. If she were pouring a bottle into a plugged in, turned on toaster then yeah that would be weird. But I think you are inventing things that aren’t actually problems.

  32. Anon

    I’ve been tasked with creating user guides/manuals for several internal systems at work. They will be quite lengthy and consist of numbered directions with corresponding screenshots. I’m struggling to determine the best medium for this. Ideally, I’d like people to be able to click to the chapter that they need without having to scroll through a bunch of pages. All I can come up with is a PDF – any other ideas?

    • Anon

      If you have some kind of internal wiki like application, like Confluence, that would be great for this kind of thing.

    • Elderlyunicorn

      You can add clickable links to your PDF … they can go to a webpage or another page in your PDF.

  33. Anon

    Can anyone recommend a workout app that has “real” instructors (not animated) for a variety of workouts like yoga, barre, pilates, strength, etc?

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