Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Cashmere Relaxed T-Shirt

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A woman wearing a navy and white stripe shirt and white trouser

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

The J.Crew cashmere tees are classic for a reason. They’re well-priced (albeit frequently excluded from J.Crew’s sales), and the roomy fit is a pleasant surprise in a time when everything seems to be cropped and fitted.

The navy-and-white striped version is my favorite this season (I’m currently wearing it in the office with olive green pants and brown loafers), but be sure to check out the solids, too.

The sweater is $128 at J. Crew and comes in sizes XXS–3X. 

Hunting for more striped tees? Boden and AYR have a ton of options that look great.

Sales of note for 2/14/25 (Happy Valentine's Day!):

  • Nordstrom – Winter Sale, up to 60% off! 7850 new markdowns for women
  • Ann Taylor – Up to 40% off your full-price purchase — and extra 60% off sale
  • Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + 15% off (readers love their suiting as well as their silky shirts like this one)
  • Boden – 15% off new season styles
  • Eloquii – 300+ styles $25 and up
  • J.Crew – 40% of your purchase – prices as marked
  • J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site and storewide + extra 50% off clearance
  • Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 40% off last-chance styles
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – Flash sale ending soon – markdowns starting from $15, extra 70% off all other markdowns (final sale)

390 Comments

  1. My mom is doing the Boulder half Ironman this June. Our family is going to attend to support her- it’s her first, I’m in decent shape but could never do it! I’d like to go a few days early and take a 3-ish day solo vacation. (My stepdad is in charge of her pre- and post-race travel). I’ve been to Denver, never been to Boulder or any of the National/state parks in CO. Any suggestions for where to stay, what to do, what to expect with the area or the race specifically?

    1. I was just there for a work trip and I’m a decent athlete but the altitude really bothered me, which was surprising. I am a trail runner and was thrilled to have the opportunity to trail run after work but I was so winded.

      I’ve hiked throughout the West before, but the altitude in Denver got me.

      1. Same. My whole group got taken down by not having a rest day the first day we were up there for altitude. Did a similar event in the Canadian Rockies and found one good day of wondering (not runs/hikes) was a huge difference. I’d also say, if you sometimes use an inhaler, don’t forget to bring it with you as the threshold for when you need it will be much lower.

      2. Same. I used to work for a denver based company and whenever I went for meetings I had to be really careful about exercise. Also, my hands were so dry, all the time!! The office had lotion in all the bathrooms :)

    2. Has she done it before? She may want to join you 2-3 days ahead to get used the the altitude. My husband did it last year and is doing it this year and that’s one thing he wish he did the first time.

      Stay near the Ironman village, especially if she is staying with you. Her legs will be dead by the walk back and you can bike up her bike and gear bags while she does the run. You also can make stops back at the room if you need to adjust your clothing for the weather or get your own supplies. Make sure you download the app so you can track her. It’s not perfect, but it will help you find good spots to see her.

      1. The first Ironman is a big shock to your system and hard to plan for. If she is active on facebook, there are groups for the athletes and they have good advice about the specific race conditions. She may want to join you 2-3 days ahead to get used the the altitude. My husband did it last year and is doing it this year and that’s one thing he wish he did the first time.

        Stay near the Ironman village, especially if she is staying with you. Her legs will be dead by the walk back and you can bike up her bike and gear bags while she does the run. You also can make stops back at the room if you need to adjust your clothing for the weather or get your own supplies. Make sure you download the app so you can track her. It’s not perfect, but it will help you find good spots to see her.

    3. Downtown Boulder is really cute. One of my favorite vacations ever was to Rocky Mountain National Park, which is doable from Boulder (or you could stay in Estes Park for a night or two to be closer to the entrance and get an early start). Just research the ticketing system for RMNP well ahead of time, as you will need to buy timed entry passes far in advance. We really enjoyed our drive to the top of Trail Ridge Road (use the GuideAlong app). But there are also a lot of great hikes for all abilities. Be prepared for altitude sickness and don’t go overboard your first day.

    4. If you want a luxury resort experience before or after, the Broadmoor Hotel is about 100 miles south of Boulder. I’ve never been but my husband raves about it and so do friends who have been there.

      1. Confirmed- Broadmoor is not to be missed. Frasca and Flagstaff are lovely restaurants in Boulder itself. St. Julien & Hotel Boulderado are my favorite hotels in Boulder.

      2. Broadmoor is in Colorado Springs, a great destination in its own right. Garden of the Gods is justifiably famous, with lots of other excellent hiking and biking trails available in the excellent city/county parks. The CS Zoo is expensive, but has fun giraffe feeding stations and a really stunning art deco style reptile house. The Pikes Peak (Manitou) Cog Railway (buy tickets far in advance) could be a good half-day trip, especially if you are already used to the altitude.

    5. Love Boulder, lived there for 3 years.
      Caveat: I know nothing about Iron Mans or what /where it is, but my general boulder recs:
      Fave restaurant: Santo for new mexican food. Corrida for fancier. The Rayback Collective for casual outside food truck and drinks. Sanitas brewery for outside hanging and drinking and their taco truck is A+.
      get a drink on the rooftop of Avanti on pearl street (many different food options inside, great views).
      Hotel Boulderado is gorgeous, both their restaurants are nice, it’s right off Pearl.
      Visit/walk around/hike or eat at Chatauqua.

      Estes park is a nice drive away and I like to stay at the Stanley Hotel (inspiration for the Shining) and have a fun spooky experience :)

    6. It’s been a decade since I lived there, but I have opinions! If you stay around Boulder itself, there are lots of cute restaurants and shopping on Pearl Street, and the weekly farmer’s market by the creek is nice. I love the Tea House and the Kitchen, and there’s the Celestial Seasonings tea tour up north a little. You can do easy hikes around town, like just hiking the Flatirons/around NCAR. It’s also easy to drive up towards Nederland for hiking. You may be able to find a guided or group hike if you don’t want to be solo the whole time. There are lots of little breweries (Avery, Mountain Sun) and music nights around town. There’s usually outdoor movies in the summer and the university might have small events on. Lots of classes and events like Latin dance, yoga or aerial silks, etc, and climbing gyms around. It’s really easy to bike around town. If you having experience bouldering/running/kayaking/mountain biking, you can find a meet up pretty easily. You can pay for tours for these, and whitewater rafting if you have a car to get further outside of Boulder. I think there are even walking tours now for food and beer.

      Denver has some nice museums if you’re not coming from a big city, and lots of great restaurants. There’s a bigger music scene in Denver or Red Rocks down south if you’d go to a concert alone. As people said, you can drive up to Rocky Mountain National Park as a day trip, but I’d spend a night up there as it’s a long drive by yourself. You can also reach the I-70 ski towns as a day trip or overnight, which have hiking and restaurants, etc. There are hot springs along that route, like around Glenwood Springs. Breckenridge is definitely a fun, swanky but not too swanky, resort town.

  2. What is something in your life that people would admire you for?
    It’s easy to sometimes be envious of other people – what is envy-worthy in your own life?

    1. I am told people admire my sense of calm in intense situations. Which is wildly ironic, because internal panic is my typical MO.

      1. I am very good in a crisis but absolute clown shoes in my daily life. I wish it made sense.

    2. Good prompt.

      I get the impression people admire my athletic abilities. This is so funny to me because I am NOT a natural athlete, didn’t do sports growing up, and the reason people perceive me as a good now is because I prioritize it as a hobby.

      I also get the impression people admire my ability to “fix anything.” I do think that one is a bit of a mindset, believing that you are capable of something unless proven otherwise. Most time you are!

    3. I kill all of the bugs (mainly giant flying roaches) with my house slippers. Need to train the spouse and the young ones to be self-sufficient here.

    4. Both entirely based on luck…
      I have a permanent academic job in an awful market.
      My child is a delight, so easygoing, kind, with great chat.

    5. I’ve been complimented for being direct (“I was surprised at first but then I appreciated it so much in our usually passive aggressive office”) and for “being my own person.” For the latter, a friend told me how she admired that I seemed confident just doing my own thing (during a time she felt a lot of pressure from her parents).

      1. Oh, and for what I admire about myself, I do a good job of making people more excited about their own news. I’m the one celebrating and asking tons of happy questions and I can literally see their excitement growing.

        1. Aww I love this! I do this too, because growing up I saw how much people like it when my mom did it and people just don’t celebrate their own accomplishments enough!

    6. My overall professional success at a young age, and the biggest piece of which is I am amazing with people- building relationships, consensus, etc, even with super difficult personalities.

    7. I’m a speed-reader.
      I finished formal schooling (K-PhD.) at a younger age than most, but don’t bring it up. People assume due to experience / years in my job that I’m older with great skincare.
      I have a powerful, purposeful, brisk stride- I don’t mean to, but it stands out.
      I am “unflappable” and steady.
      I am a really good friend, and have a wide and deep circle of close friends who live all over my continent.

      1. Same. Was the carsick kid who got put in the front seat, so I grew up reading maps (since reading books in a car makes me sick). I know all the clues from interstate numbering, etc. I read our AAA triptiks. I am a navigator.

        1. Aw, this reminds me of summer trips with my grandpa <3 He was a pilot in WWII and called me his navigator <3 He was always really good about getting out the road atlas and plotting the route with me and encouraging me to find the smartest main route and an alternate route in case we needed it. I can still see and feel the heavy atlas in my hands on Grandma's dining room table (with a cloth and a table protector, of course ha) with different highlighters around me. And I still to this day good at directions <3

    8. I’m a very fast reader (side effect of growing up without a TV) and I have a really good memory. These skills were mostly useful in school but still come in handy in my adult life.

      1. Hilarious. I grew up without a TV and we read all the time. I love to read. I’m still a super slow reader. I wonder just how slow I would be if I hadn’t spent my childhood with all of those books.

    9. My current boss told me last year that one of my strengths is diplomacy. I never even thought that about myself. I was honored to hear that, because I have so much respect for her.
      My husband told me that he admires my persistence. I am a “dog with a pant leg” when it comes to trying to make myself whole, when I work on our marriage, and try to uplift the lives of people who matter to me.

      Wow. I didn’t realize how much I needed this prompt this morning. The punches have been coming left and right today.

        1. English is not my first language, could you please explain me the idiom? (Google is not showing me anything) Thanks!!

          1. It’s not a common idiom, but imagine a dog trying to get your attention by biting onto your pant leg and not letting go!

          2. It implies tenacious persistence. It is usually presented visually (rather than verbally) as a dog grabbing a person’s pant leg with their teeth, pulling, shaking, and trying to wrest the person along.

          3. Yeep! I am a native speaker, and I’ve never heard this idiom. The only thing I could imagine was the much grosser image of a dog h u m p i n g a pant leg — i.e., also implying tenacity, as it’s hard to shake off a dog who is engaged in this behavior. Just an FYI if you commonly use the turn of phrase in a professional setting!

          4. +1 to Anon @ 11:49 from Anon @ 11:37. I have heard “dog with a bone” many times, and the meaning is clear, plus it does not evoke any uncomfortable imagery.

          5. I have never heard this phrase either and immediately went to a gross visual. Highly recommend switching to dog with a bone!

    10. I don’t know that people envy me for it but they appreciate me for the fact that I am a really great friend. Like a poster above, I really celebrate other people’s good news and help them become more excited about it. I also am a great listener and will sit with people and support them through the suck in life.

      People might envy me for having two wonderful parents who raised their kids to be adults and provided a stable childhood.

      In my own life, I’m tall and slender and don’t have to work very hard at it even at the age of 45. I like super hard exercise and weight lifting as well as healthy food. I have a great husband and a happy marriage and home life.

      1. I’ve been told that I “get along with everyone” and like you, I try to really make an effort there! I also get excited for friends’ good news, even if I haven’t seen them in a long time or we aren’t that close.

        And like your second paragraph – both of my parents are alive, relatively healthy and financially stable, and enjoying their retirement and grandkids. I am grateful every day for that.

    11. Apparently I am very good with people, especially the very old and very young. It’s funny to me because I’m not someone who enjoys people.

      1. I love when people are really good with older people. So many older people are ignored and treated as irrelevant and warm connections with them can be such a boost.

    12. My skin (two courses of accutane and a crazy strict skincare routine and it is finally porcelain doll level even and smooth). My cooking/baking – I’m not a gourmet chef but I’ve been cooking and baking since I was a young teen and consider myself a very good home cook and can bake just about anything people ask for within reason. Caveat that I am terrible at cake decorating/fancy piping/chocolate work though I have made plenty of caramel, marshmallow and macarons.

    13. This is such a lovely prompt! People think I’m funny and straightforward.

      My husband admires that I can pick up things with my feet and easily remember people’s names after meeting them. My friend admires that I’m going gray very slowly.

    14. Thing I can’t control – I have extremely fast labors. I’m done after my two kids so this skill is no longer useful, but it certainly is envy-inducing (although I will say for kid #1 it was pretty scary for me).

      Thing I can control (to some extent) – I have a great network of friends. I have a lot of energy. I am able to articulate complicated ideas clearly, both in my personal life and at work. I bought a great house in a great neighborhood before the pandemic and have refinanced to a low interest rate. I met my spouse in college and have a happy marriage.

    15. Clients inevitably praise me for my ability to remain calm in high-pressure situations where powerful people are attacking me and my work. The nature of my work makes it inevitable that the work will be attacked; a big part of my job is getting the naysayers on board. I recently realized that the ability to handle being berated day in and day out is not necessarily something to be proud of.

      1. Similar situation for me — I was just praised by a colleague for handling a challenging witness well. This is a witness employed by my employer, whose interests converge with the employer, but has never been a witness, so has ideas on how things should go. Approaching these matters with diplomacy and picking battles sometimes smacks of being a doormat, catching flies with honey, etc., and can feel a bit tiresome and demeaning at times. But I have learned the world is the way it is, not how it should be, so I suppose I am admired for handling unpleasant witnesses, yay.

    16. I love this prompt so much.

      I read voraciously and remember most of what I read.
      I’m self-taught at a number of things (from hobbies to work-related skills) and I’m very proud of that.
      I work hard to keep up with people’s lives – I literally set an alarm for 30 days in the future when my BFF told me her kid was going in for a hearing eval in a month so I would remember to check in with her about it. I do this frequently.
      I have excellent phone manners (I’m SUPER proud of this one).
      Breastfeeding came relatively easy to me.

    17. I play golf with random men and don’t give a s**t what they think of me (I am a solid beginner). I play at public courses, and if I want to play without bothering to drum up a foursome, I get paired with randoms, mostly guys. They have all be very pleasant to play with. Multiple people, men and women, have told me I am very brave to do this.

      1. This is excellent. I’m going to start trying tennis (having never picked up a racket in my life) and this inspires me to just enjoy doing it and trust that people will be cool (and if not, oh well).

    18. That I can remember names and faces to put them together. It makes people feel really valued when I can say “Hi X, we met at {conference}. It’s so good to see you.” It also translates to recognizing actors across multiple roles.

      My sense of humor regarding stress and swirl. I can relieve a lot of tension with a slightly offbeat quip so that a group can get past it and move forward with a solution.

      1. Very nice. My college roommate taught me how to parallel park and I bless her for it to this day. I’m even better at it than my gearhead husband!

      2. The bigger the car, the easier it is for me (cuz I learned in a 1971 Lincoln Continental).

    19. People throughout my life have told me two things: I’m graceful and I have a soothing voice. A public speaking coach said he could listen to me speak all day and that I have a voice fit for radio.

      I don’t like hearing myself speak at all, though.

    20. A lot of my girlfriends have told me they admire my ability to do things on my own. And that’s definitely true – I travel internationally, going to movies and concerts, and even go out to eat on my own solo whether I am partnered or not. What can I say, I like doing things and I enjoy my own company.

    21. Grit. When I put my mind to something, I do it. I had to work at a new job a few days after colon cancer surgery (didn’t want them to know I had cancer) and I did it. I’ve pulled off the seemingly impossible professionally and personally a bunch of times and I think it has given me a lot of faith in myself. I don’t scare easily when I know I have some control.

    22. I’m stupid good at logistics for things I love to do (thanks ADD!). Ergo, I am the resident travel planner for friends and family, and I thrive in a busy schedule with lots of kid activities to manage. Impossible to direct this talent at things that do not excite me, but it’s like a super power when I’m engaged.

      My kids get along really, really well.

    23. Wow do I love this prompt. It really forced me to stop and think.

      I’m good at my job, and a lot of that is because I’m great at finding creative (usually collaborative) solutions to issues. I do that in both my professional and personal life.

      I’m a people person with tons of relationships — not all close, of course, but I also have an enviable inner circle and plenty of outer-circle folks where we’re always happy to see one another.

      I’m married to a great guy (caveat that like all folks, we have our issues) and have three healthy kids. We have plenty of money (although funny enough, we realized this week that we are the least wealthy of our close friends. Some of that has to do with the fact that we have a third kid and the rest of them have two and, well, kids are expensive). We drive nice cars and also like to travel, but conserve money elsewhere to make these things happen.

    24. I know people are a bit envious of my home. It’s an old house that has been a complete money pit / fixer upper, but it’s large and beautiful. A stranger wouldn’t know how much blood, sweat, and tears (and $$$$) we had to put into it to get it to this point but it has been a complete labor of love.

    25. A boss once said “You always rise to the occasion”. When impostor syndrome was not acting up I took it as a compliment and not a reflection on times that were not occasions.

    26. I feel like envy and admiration are two different things, but in the spirit of the question:

      I am a very good “nurse” in home situations. I have no desire to be a blood and guts real nurse, but when taking care of someone at home after surgery or as they’re dying (both grandparents), I’m your gal. My natural, daily state is hair on fire, but put me around a sick person, and I am peacefully in charge and soothing to the patient and expertly managing meds and implementing the doctor’s orders.

      I’m also very good at organizing groups of people. In part because I’m so impatient and just Want Somebody to Make a Decision Already ha.

      1. Oh hey, Mom.

        JK, but my mom is a wonderful at-home nurse. It’s really one of her great gifts.

    27. Cora, Thanks for posting this prompt this morning. I’m really enjoying all of the responses!

    28. Great idea for a thread :) In our wedding vows, my husband said that he admired how when I said I was going to do something, I put my head down and got it done. I’ve run a marathon, I bought a horse, I’ve written and traditionally published three novels, I’ve applied for and gotten some swaggy professional development opportunities that have allowed me to travel to some really cool places. I’m not afraid of hard work and I get sh*t done. Even my mother has acknowledged this, and she worried I was a disorganized flit of a dilettante growing up lol.

      More superficially, people tell me on a regular basis that they’re envious of how much I work out. To that, I’d say I’m lucky that I enjoy being active, but I’ve also escaped the mentality that if I don’t have time to do the whole workout I planned, I might as well not do anything. 15 or 20 minutes a day adds up.

    29. I love this prompt so much.

      Public speaking doesn’t bother me at all, and I’m good at commanding a room when I present. I know people at work, at least, envy me for that. It comes from having done community theater as a kid–I just don’t get the jitters.

      On a personal level, I think people would envy my friend network. I’m really lucky to have many close friends and a few different large friend groups. If I ever get married, I will be one of those obnoxious brides with 10 bridesmaids

    30. I can see the big picture. I can see the impact of the immediate on the long term, the political and PR concerns, the connections between superficially unrelated things.

    31. If you ask me to give a talk, I will finish exactly on time. It’s my theory that there’s nothing you can say after your time has elapsed that won’t make people hate you. (With the possible exception of “Look under your chair, there are keys to a new car!”)

      People admire my marriage, which cracks me up after being the poster child for Terrible Marriage for so many years.

      I am good at entertaining and do it a lot and I think some people are slightly envious of that.

      I learned over the past month that I am great at spotting whales in the ocean if they are there to be spotted!

      1. I was recently one of three speakers at an event and the only one who finished in my allotted time. I was actually feeling very self-conscious about it while listening to the other speakers. I thought perhaps I had done a diservice to the individual I was speaking about. No less than five people came up to me afterwards to thank me for sticking to the time limit.

    32. I think differently than other people do. Don’t try to fit this into a neurotypical/neurodivergent paradigm; I just approach problems differently than other people do. I’ve been told by my coworkers that they really appreciate the fresh perspective and ability to cut through bs. It can lead to some creative and easy solutions to complex problems.

      1. I had a colleague like that, who always had out-of -the-box ideas! Loved working with her, but she left for well-earned retirement.

    33. People say I am brave in that I am not afraid of authority whether it is the boss or the judge. Of course, I have learned to be more discerning over the years.

    34. I love this prompt, too. Mine is that my family sits down for a healthy, homemade dinner as a family almost every night and we have real conversations. (And sometimes my tween kids cook the dinner!)

      1. I grew up doing this! And it was amazing. My mom loved to cook and she brought all of us into the cooking process together. So we would make dinner together and then sit down in the dining room and eat together every night while talking about our days, current events, stock market, everything! I learned so much around the dinner table.
        I don’t have kids, but DH and I sit down together and have dinner together, and we both enjoy that time that’s just ours.

    35. Envy worthy — I spent the first five years of my career working for nonprofit tech startups throughout West Africa. It was exactly what got me excited about engineering when I was 15, and I actually got the chance to “be what I wanted to be when I grew up”.

      Things people maybe admire about me — I’m really good at absorbing a lot of complex or vague information and then synthesizing it into core insights — one of my early bosses told me she always felt like her thinking was clearer after talking to me, even about projects I wasn’t working, and that really stuck with me.

      I’m brave about going on adventures on my own – traveling, camping, figuring it out – and also at bringing new people on adventures that feel scary to them. I always feel a little weird getting complimented on this, because I’m not actually scared (so is it really bravery?), but I think I’m clearheaded at risk analysis and smart about mitigation

      I’m not embarrassed to try talking in languages I’m far from fluent in

      1. This sounds so familiar I’m wondering if I wrote it. Maybe the last para informs the first para anyways.

      2. I really like these, especially the second one. You can make a huge difference in people’s lives if you introduce them to adventure.

    36. I left a 28-year marriage to a narcissist when my youngest finished high school (I stayed so I could mediate things with my kids – he was awful to them). I then restarted my career after being a stay at home mom for 20 years, and am now making over $200k in a mid-sized city. I am super close with my kids and happier than I’ve been in decades. I don’t ever say it out loud, but I’m so freaking proud of myself!

    37. That I’m good at my job, highly conscientious, and competent in my field. I’m super driven by anxiety and easily frustrated… it’s something I wish I could let go, it’s a work in process.

      That I have artistic and design skills and use those in many different hobbies and crafts. I have a strong eye for design, composition, and color.

      That I read a lot. And I’m not beholden to reading every word of a book. I skip, read ahead and speedread without missing context or the plot.

      That I’ve build an indepedent life geographically distant from qny other family at a young age.

      That I’ve got good relationships with my parents.

      That I don’t procrastinate, run late, or not follow through. I’ll complain about something I need, or should do, and how much I dont want to do the thing, but I always do the thing anyway.

    38. Like others, love this prompt!

      I’ve been told that I am the most interesting person they know by more than one person, an ex told me that I am the smartest person he knows (we are friendly and HE is incredibly smart so this was crazy to me, as I think I am smart but not SMART), lots of people tell me they admire my independence/comfort doing things solo (international travel, I go on dates with myself regularly, etc.). I’ve also been told I am an excellent public speaker (and I love it too).

      Envy worthy? I suppose having a high salary, but that really isn’t all that much of a testament to me, as I started out in a good socioeconomic situation which of course gave me a huge leg up. I don’t want people to be envious of anything in my life TBH. Like some others, you can put me in any situation and I am comfortable and can talk to anyone. Some people might be envious that I have strict boundaries around work. Despite my high salary, I don’t work nights or weekends or on PTO. Max of 45 hrs a week if I am not traveling.

      I also can almost never be embarrassed. I suppose that’s enviable. I really DGAF.

  3. My 6YO tan suede booties have so many stains that it’s time to replace. The Aquatalia ones I leaned towards sold out. I’d like a flat or very low heel and a rubber sole that isn’t too out-there (eg current Sorrel models) and no cut-outs that would show socks. Spendy is OK. Any good current options to check?

    1. Agree with the Blondo rec. I have their tall Velma boots in multiple colors and am a big fan.

    2. I recently got a pair of brown suede booties from Vince. Low heel, super comfortable, on trend.

  4. Have any BIG city folk bought nearish-by acreage that they intend to use during working years and then fully/partly retire to? And a condo/landing pad in the city for when they want to be in town?

    I’m Toronto based and beginning to mull this idea. I really really really want more space for orchards, berries, nature watching, poly tunnel, etc. and long term would like to live further out from the city for spring/summer/fall, and then winter in a downtown condo. We have done a lot with our yard, which is significant for the city, but it is still a yard in a close-in suburb. From where we live, we could “afford” vacant acreage with some forested portions within a 1 hr drive (not on a body of water). That would put it about 2 hrs from downtown in normal traffic, less when things are great, impossible during rush hour. I would never want that commute. BUT, once retired – that seems a feasible distance from the benefits of the huge city. And there are smaller centres that would be closer with hospitals, grocery, socialization, etc.

    The thought would be that we could enjoy the land now recreationally on weekends if it is only an hour away. Later on when retirement is closer we could get a house built when we have the $$$$, presumably from selling our current home. Building a house is also a life dream, and yes I’ve watched about a million episodes of Grand Design and done renos on our current place. Anyways, I’ve been trying to research these ideas on the internet and all I find are people who do the snowbird thing.

    Does anyone have lived experience or useful blogs/forums to look at? Canadian based ideally…

    1. My husband’s grandmother did this and woukdbup with the condo being what she used for doctor visits (and at the end it was just back to the condo).

    2. I do this in BC! Post burner if you’d like to chat? I rent in the city and bought a couple hours away.

    3. My GTA parents did this, they bought a plot on the green belt and built a home. My mom ended up getting a job at a rural business and my dad switched to self employment. They ended up giving up on the whole half city half country thing and moved to the country full time. If you have kids beware this really effed up my highschool experience. As an adult I’m an actual environmentalists (it’s my day job) so seeing my parents LARP as nature folks is endlessly frustrating because I know how polluting their life is.

      1. Can you please clarify your acronyms? Google tells me that LARP is Live Action Roleplaying, and I don’t understand.

        1. OP is saying that her parents are pretending to be nature folks, but their lifestyle is actually more harmful to the environment than (I’m guessing) that of a typical person who lives in a city.

      2. I also am not following the acronyms (Grand Theft Auto?), but I am happy to hear your perspective as the child.

        We did this, but ended up with a home on the property, which is 1 hour from our VHCOL city. We spent years looking at plots of land, but after we started to price out the cost of construction if we were starting from scratch, we ended up buying land that included a house. We love our country house, and spend a lot of time out there. My husband has joked that he’d love to move out there full time now (away from the stress of the city), but we have 3 kids. There are good schools near(ish) to the house, but I am vehemently against it. I think it would lose the escapism feel, and would feel isolated — especially for the kids — if we were there full time.

        I will say — even maintenance on a fully constructed, well built home is a time and money suck. I can’t imagine managing a construction project — but my husband and I both work full time and have 3 kids. If your circumstances and weekends :) are different, then you might enjoy the process. For us, we need a place of respite now – not a project, and then plan is to live out there once we are fully retired, and sell our primary residence — but possibly keep an apartment in the city.

        For the retirement perspective, there is a “mid size” city that is only about 15 mins away, and that was dumb luck, as we didn’t really consider this at the time, but I’m glad we ended up with good medical facilities and restaurants close by, with excellent healthcare facilities and a large international airport in the major city where we live now about an hour away.

    4. The concept of a ‘crash pad’ is frequently called a pied-a-terre if that helps your search.

    5. Yes but in a much easier way. We live in a major city in a flat and bought a cottage in the country about an hour and a half away. Construction is a big hassle on an empty plot of land and it was a thousand times easier to buy something built and renovate it. We love our cottage and go there regularly. For retirement we don’t see permanently relocating there but we will definitely spend more time in the area and probably flip to weekends in the city, weeks in the country as we do the reverse now.

    6. I joke that we flipped the script and bought the house in the country (rural New England) before the pied-a-terre. This was a COVID decision of course.

      Since moving in three years ago, two families have sent me Letters to Adjoiner announcing grand plans to build their dream home. The letters are very sweet and always have big ambitious designs, one for a passivhaus and the other for a hobby farm. What happens is that, inevitably, the out-of-town contractor for this dream home runs into too many permitting, labor, or site challenges, pulls out of the project, and the family is left using the same local builders that build everything around here. These builders are limited/not that sophisticated and so the houses end up being not that different from everything else and very far from the family’s dream and vision.

      So I would suggest that you also consider the practical aspects of trying to build that far away, because it’s not just another renovation project. You may not be able to execute on the plan as intended; do you still want that life even if it’s not the house of your dreams?

      1. Haha, there is no “dream house” aspect to this, more like “dream land,” haha. Although I do take your point – building is always a slog and often goes back to the lowest common denominator. We recently witnessed friends go through a house build on a small island, and anything seems easy by that metric LOL

    7. I have friends who did something similar although not quite. They live in a Bay area condo, so zero land. They bought a SFH 2 hours east that comes with a modest suburban yard, but then they’re right next door to Yosemite and that’s their version of “recreational acreage” :)

    8. I did this/am doing this right now. I am 5 years away from retirement, so at the tail end of the plan. I bought property and acreage in the mountains about 1.5 hours from my city 23 years ago, build a house on it 12 years ago. In the city where I still live I am closing on a smaller house this month to have something smaller and easy to maintain. When I retire the plan is to spend most of the year in the mountain house and some of the time in the city (probably winters). I spend a good amount of time at the mountain house with family, friends and kids and can’t wait to retire there. But it is close enough and an easy drive to come back to the city house.

    9. My grandparents and other relatives have done something similar all in various towns off the 401 corridor. One thing I would consider where you buy is how close the hospital and airport is if you plan to retire there, and especially what services are at the local hospital. From the family perspective, a late flight into Pearson + 2.5 hour drive can be rough, same for having to rely on your elderly spouse to drive you 2 hours for specialist appointments.

    10. This sounds great if you are in a position to be planning an early and active retirement. Like folks with a government pension (or massive investment success) who retire at 55 and have another 20 years ahead of them before any real limitations due to aging could become an issue. Not such a great idea if you are one of those who will not retire before 70 due to a financial need or ego need to keep working.

      1. Yes, I left this out, but we are a dual government pension couple who reach full early retirement a bit after 56 (at current speed anyways) with no kids and a long healthy life expectancy (at least for me – his is probably more average.)

        1. My husband and I are CAF members and he is eligible to retire in two years and I am in less than ten (at ages 46 and 56, respectively, as I joined late). We are mostly bedded down in Ottawa due to rank but we moved seven times in a decade at the begging of our careers so we bought a run down farm house in a gorgeous village on the Bras D’Or Lakes. So definitely not commutable but we use it during the summers. My kids adore it there and it’s a good backup plan. It’s work but it was cheap and we love it.

    11. I’m in the Bay Area and have a few friends who have a pied a terre in the city or inner Bay Area + places in more rural area. I would say it has worked well for one family and not for the other.

      For the one it has worked for, the land and house in the country were inherited so while there are insurance and property tax costs, it doesn’t cost them much on an ongoing basis. They struggle with some guilt not being able to go there every weekend because life gets full, but mostly they’re able to enjoy it.

      For the other couple, they ended up basically upside down when both places needed major infusions of cash and the housing market didn’t support them selling either place. They’re divorced now! It was a cluster *^%#

      1. Anywhere in the countryside a reasonable drive from the Bay Area is at higher risk of wildfire. It’s increasingly expensive to impossible to buy homeowners’ insurance in these areas. It’s not going to be a good idea to build in these areas anytime soon if one doesn’t need to live there.

        1. The divorced couple was literally a mile from a wildfire, then the place got snowed in during the historic snowfall last winter. Total disaster.

    12. I split my time between the bay area and Tahoe. Quite common. I intend to retire in Tahoe or Reno-Tahoe (Nevada-side being preferable for no state income tax one day).

  5. I wore an older (pre COVID) pair of running shorts (the ones with the panties built in) yesterday and OMG the rise was so low. Like comically low. I am not a fan of super-high waists in any rigid fabric, but I feel like I prefer a higher rise in anything athletic.

    1. I wish I could find running shorts like that. I prefer the top of my shorts to hit the top of my hipbone. No higher. They’re impossible to find right now. Especially for someone who hates to shop.

      1. Mine are from Brooks. Maybe if there isn’t an ick factor for you you can find on Posh?

      2. +1. I much prefer my older running shorts that are slightly lower cut! I still have some Nike ones in my rotation.

      3. My mama belly hanging over the waistband of low rise shorts is a mental visual I didn’t need this morning!

  6. I was in a fender bender last month while traveling for work and driving a rental provided by my company. Minor damage to both vehicles, no injuries, incident happened in a no fault state. At the time, I did not have my company auto insurance policy with me, so I provided the other driver with my personal insurance info. I have since provided the other driver with the correct info. I guess the other driver started a claim right away with my personal insurance info. I have told my provider that they are not responsible for the claim and I do not want the incident on my record with them. The claims adjuster told me yesterday they are legally required to investigate and get a statement from me. What’s going on? Is there a way to essentially disappear this from my record with my insurance provider?

    1. A claim has been reported so no there isn’t a way to erase it. If you have any discounts for zero accidents then that’s probably gone now, which it should be because you were involved in an accident. Other than that, your rate shouldn’t go up much because your insurance company won’t pay out for the claim. It’ll drop off after a few years.

  7. Kind of a repost from the mom site yesterday…. Anyone have experience with finding the cause of anemia in a man who eats a lot of red meat? We’ve done an endoscopy and colonoscopy which haven’t found anything. More tests are scheduled but I’m starting to spiral.

    1. So, not to add to the spiral, but the first sign of my mom’s multiple myeloma (a form of bone cancer) was anemia.

      1. +1

        I am having an endoscopy soon to check for this. The blood test is not as sensitive as a biopsy (done with the endoscopy).

        If there isn’t an obvious cause for the anemia like blood loss (stomach ulcers, colon cancer) it can sometimes be low if you have another chronic disease/auto-immune disease. But I was surprised to learn that poor absorption of iron is often missed as the cause. Celiac can contribute to that.

        But if your husband is otherwise young and healthy they really need to get to the bottom of this.

        1. The new gastroenterologist I saw after moving said that they don’t even test for low stomach acid on endoscopies anymore at his practice. He gave no explanation as to why and didn’t deny that my test confirmed hypochlorhydria was involved in my malabsorption deficiencies and possibly even involved in my dysmotility. I know that talking about the long term effects of low stomach acid is potentially awkward in light of PPI prescribing norms that go against recommendations, but it was kind of a frustrating conversation, like he was just cordoning that off as not really his problem, so I can see how it must get missed.

    2. Endoscopy and colonoscopy can miss Crohn’s if it’s in the part of the ileum they can’t image (which is where it’s also most common). So they’ll probably still be checking for it on additional tests (calprotectin, occult fecal blood, CRP, if not capsule enteroscopy). (This is what it was for my husband. He had no symptoms that he recognized as such, but now that he’s on treatment he is feeling better than he ever has in his life, even though he identified as healthy and athletic before!)

      Celiac and autoimmune atrophic gastritis / pernicious anemia are sometimes missed even when they test for them. Anti-parietal cell antibodies and anti-intrinsic factor antibodies are the labs for pernicious anemia. (This is what I had though since I’m a woman, periods were initially blamed.) There are probably a whole lot of other things they’re checking for on the labs they’re running, but I mention these since they’re highly treatable and sometimes not thoroughly tested for, and also because it’s what I have experience with. Good luck and I hope it’s something they can help with; I know this is scary.

    3. Has he been evaluated for thalessemia and thalessemia trait? My child has the latter. She was misdiagnosed with anemia and ultimately, the bad readings were due to misdiagnosis.

      1. This. Thalassemia esp if he is Asian or one of the other ethnicities for whom it’s more prevalent.

  8. Trying again without forbidden word.

    Kind of a repost from the mom s!te yesterday…. Anyone have experience with finding the cause of anemia in a man who eats a lot of red meat? We’ve done an endoscopy and colonoscopy which haven’t found anything. More tests are scheduled but I’m starting to spiral.

        1. Friend with thalassemia has zero Mediterranean genetics. Just because something has been identified as common in one ancestry doesn’t mean it’s not possible in others! (Although horses before zebras, ofc).

    1. Celiac disease can cause absorption issues.

      If he’s eating enough it’s an absorption issue – is he eating vitamin C rich foods with the iron or too much dairy

      1. They ruled out Celiac from the endoscopy and he’s lactose intolerant so not much dairy. But I appreciate the thoughts!

        1. He very probably doesn’t have Celiac with a negative endoscopy. But it’s happened before. This will be true with other tests they do with varying odds (even a test that misses 1 out of 10 patients can be regarded as pretty sensitive in medicine). It makes sense to test for other things if a test strongly discourages a particular diagnosis, but if at some point there are no answers, they will have to loop back around to consider the possibility that it’s something they previously ruled out. I’ve twice been diagnosed with things that were ruled out on the first round of testing, so it’s just something to keep in mind as part of the process.

    2. Probably time for some genetic testing for various genetic disorders. Recent research into genetic disorders has revealed that many so-called “monogenic” disorders actually have a wide spectrum of phenotypes and presentations. This is probably due to epigenetics. So yes, it is possible for a genetic disorder to become symptomatic in adulthood. Since genetic testing is non-invasive (just needs some blood or saliva), it would probably be good to start looking.

    3. My husband (early 50’s) had mild anemia. He eats meat and generally a decent diet. He had colonoscopy and nothing concerning, his dr. did end up referring him to a hemotologist (technicaly an oncologist, which freaked my husband out) and he had specialized blood tests to look for multiple myeloma, which were negative. (as an aside, thank god for our insurance, as those tests were insanely expensive). They also did some genetic testing as my husband does have mediterranean ancestry which there is a genetic blood disease (Thalessemia?) My husband was a major squeaky wheel about this however and I think the Dr’s may have done more of a watch and wait approach absent his demands. I spent a lot of time reassuring him and myeloma is not that common really.

      He had some other minor issues and they changed his blood pressure meds around and after a while, his tests were normal. Does your husband take any medications that could have a weird side effect? It may be worth pushing for a hematologist/oncologist for labs, as the results are likely to be reassuring to you all.

    4. It’s all in the blood testing, beyond your normal CBC and comprehensive metabolic panel. There are tons of other tests. Since GI issues have been ruled out, next stop is a hematologist. Do that.

  9. Anyone have experience with Pact clothing? Their dress ads are following me around social media but I have no experience with the company. On a scale of Old Navy to …not Old Navy (IDEK who has the best quality these days), where do they fall?

    1. If you have a Whole Foods nearby, they often have Pact in their stores. It seems fine but not amazing.

      1. This is where I’ve gotten my Pact tshirts. I like them a lot- they are nice an thick. And they were on super sale, like $12 each.

    2. I like their fit and flare dresses a lot, I would put them at a GAP or Uniqlo quality of clothing (casual, summer cotton, the seams have torn when I was a little too energetic about taking them off, perfect for a farmers market but wouldn’t wear to work). For some reason the prints look less cheap to me in person than the solid colours and I think it’s because all of the solid colours are slightly faded.

    3. I think they’re really good quality. I have some underwear and a t-shirt that are years old and still going strong.

      I have found their sizing to be odd — some things are TTS while others have been way too big and needed to be returned.

      They often have sales or move things to clearance so I wouldn’t necessarily recommend buying anything at full price.

    4. I just got a couple of their double gauze pieces, and I like them! The fabric and construction seem to be higher quality than Old Navy, maybe on the level of something I’d get at J Crew or Nordstrom.

    5. I have an athletic dress and some lounge pants from them. Love them. TTS usually. I appreciate that their materials are fair trade and organic. Quality is good.

    6. Fabrics are good. Fit always seems to be slightly off on me. Also, agree that a lot of the colors tend to look faded. I have actually found their clothes to not be super practical for my lifestyle in the SEUS with a toddler… Most of their dresses are cotton and with multiple layers of lining, so they get really hot in the summer outside. They aren’t dressy enough for work, etc.

      I liked the underwear, but the seams split in mine after only a couple of months.

    7. I’ve also seen Pact a lot on social media. I like the look of the fit & flare dresses, but I’m only 5′ so I think they might be too long.

  10. Talk to me about setting sprays for makeup.

    I’m a relatively infrequent makeup user, but I do wear it to the office twice a week. Pre-pandemic I used to use setting powder and it always worked well. At some point recently I got some setting spray (ELF brand) and find that it doesn’t keep my eye makeup in place. At all. Like eyeliner smudging up near my brows (I have very hooded eyelids). I do use primer on my eyelids. I like the convenience of just a couple sprays on my face instead of the setting powder routine, but if it doesn’t work I’ll ditch it. Am I just using it wrong somehow (2-3 sprays, fan it dry)? Or is there a better brand out there? I used setting powder yesterday and my eye makeup didn’t budge all day. It was glorious.

    1. It doesn’t work for all day. It’s something for a quick photo shoot so you don’t look dull, which is what people are worried about with powder. For all day, use a powder and your natural oil will absorb it and you’ll look fine.

    2. urban decay all-nighter is probably the best/most popular for long-lasting, but almost as good (sometimes better?) and much less expensive is the Morphe continuous setting mist. I have hooded lids as well and both work great.

    3. I find you need one with a really good mister. the elf ones end up messing my eye makeup too, because the droplets are too big. My favorites are the charlotte tilbury or the milani make it last for something more affordable.

      1. Interesting point about the mister. I actually hate the mister on the Elf and would happily try another brand if it’s known to have a good mister.

    4. I use Tatcha’s Dewy Mist. It’s not labelled as a settting spray but it does the job. I have very dry skin so I was looking for something that would moisturizer in addition to setting. This might not be the best bet for everyone.

    5. Morphe was recommended here and I like it. It’s a very fine mist.. That said, my mascara has been smudging like CRAZY right after I apply and for a solid 5-7 mins after, which doesn’t sound like that long but I go from make up to getting dressed and anytime I close my eyes for more than a blink it’s all over my face and I have to basically redo it. A giant PITA in the morning.

      I honestly don’t know if it’s from the setting spray or this new tube I’m using (started both about the same time). I had assumed the tube but maybe you’re on to something?

    6. Use a long wear eye liner, look for that in the name. Gel eyeliners and regular kohl can be very smudgy. Gel often sets after a bit. I find putting some pressed powder on my lid above the crease all the way to the brow bone helps the liner not transfer.

    7. What don’t you like about powder? I like it. It use a very finely milled powder and just a little of it. I focus on the center of my face and my eyelids, leaving my cheeks alone because I like a little glow there. Makeup doesn’t stay on my nose and powder is really the only thing that helps there.

      1. It is a little messy – pat on with the puffer thing and then wipe off with a brush – I tend to kind of get it all over the sink and have to be careful to avoid my clothes. And it’s not super fast: it’s not like that takes forever, but it does take longer than a couple squirts of setting spray. It also leaves a very matte look, which isn’t necessarily bad, but a dewy look would be a bit more natural looking I think. None of those are dealbreakers for a product that works well, but again, if I could find a setting spray that works well it would eliminate all of those issues.

        1. I use a pressed powder compact – ELF has an inexpensive one if you want to look at that, the powder looks white but it’s translucent – and a narrow loose brush, not too firm. I don’t use a powder puff, and I don’t use a ton. A quick dusting just in the areas I want it and that’s plenty. It’s not messy at all. The point is to use the least amount you can use in order to get the benefit you’re looking for.

        2. You don’t need to do all of that. Don’t use so much, and just use a brush. No puff.

        3. ooh you should try the flower beauty jet set setting spray – it’s like a spray on powder which sounds crazy but actually works well & doesn’t create a mess

    8. you probably won’t like this but I suggest using both. I powder first then use a spray to help it melt in and look less “powdery”

  11. seeing tips, tricks, 3rd hand medical advice, old wives tales, go-forward medical care suggestions, or just plain pity welcome.

    I had conjunctivitis back to back in the late fall (thanksgiving, then right after Christmas…thanks, kids!). I went to a walk-in both times and got the antibiotics. My eyes were a complete mess but eventually cleared up but were so dry that I couldn’t wear my contacts anymore. I stopped wearing my contacts until my annual eye exam in mid-January, and which point my eyes were still super dry, especially at night. I talked to the eye doc, an optometrist, who switched me to daily disposable contacts and gave me some recommendations for eye drops. The eye drops help in the moment, but do nothing to stop the awful dryness at night. It had gotten to the point where I was waking up between REM cycles with my eyes so dry I had trouble opening them, so I called up my eye doc and asked if I should come see him, an optometrist, again, or make an appt with a medical eye doctor (eg. opthamologist). He told me to come in, checked my eyes, and dx’d me with “extreme dry eye” (the litle puff of air they do was AWFUL–and i’ve never been bothered by it in the past!) and gave me steroid drops. I’ve been on the steroids for 2 weeks straight and there’s been no change. I’m still waking up around 4am with crazy dry eyes and having to put in lubricating drops.

    Do I go back to see the optometrist? Book an appt with an opthamologist? Keep using the steroids? Chalk this up to having turned 40 and this is now a lifetime issue?

    When I got the Rx, he told me to put them in and then slowly wean off them. They’ve done such nothing for me that I don’t think it’s time to start tapering off, but also, why bother continuing to use them?

    If anyone has had success managing something like this in the past I’d love to hear what’s worked for you. It seems to be only an issue at night; I am not uncomfortable during the day. I can tolerate contacts, but it’s no better or worse with contacts in during the day.

    1. No direct experience, and I’m so sorry. This sounds terrible. This isn’t about turning 40!

      Make an appointment with an ophthamologist, and in the meantime, call the optometrist’s office and tell them that the steroids are doing a whole lot of nothing. 2 weeks on a steroid should be long enough for some response, and you don’t want to keep on with steroids for too long.

      Good luck, and please update. I really hope you get some relief soon.

    2. I also had conjunctivitis multiple times this fall/winter, after not having it since I was in elementary school, and my eyes are still very dry at night. We have smart thermostats in our house and the humidity has been pretty low this winter (like, dropping below 20% multiple times; we’ll make a plan to address for next winter). Could you have low indoor humidity that is exacerbating the dry eye?

    3. So when I got lasik I had to fix dry eyes first. The first thing is stop wearing contacts and switch to glasses. Even if they feel fine, which they did for me, they are suffocating your eye. Then use refresh drops all day and at night they make special lubricating drops that are gooey. Use all that religiously and it should clear up. Definitely go to the eye doc though as there may be a prescription drop that can help too. Steroids sounds off to me and someone should have told you not to wear contacts so you may want to see a different eye doctor.

    4. Definitely ophthalmologist. How dry is your house? I get dry eye issue if the house is at less than 30% humidity so we run a humidifier next to the air intake for the heat pump in the winter.

      I also can’t wear daily disposables more than 2-3 days a week and I can only use one specific brand of lense solution – the preservatives in the other irritate my eyes.

    5. Dry eyes definitely were a turning 40 thing for me, though I’d had some issues with them before that. Mine aren’t nearly as severe, though, and seem to be largely tied to screen time, not at night, so I’d see an ophthalmologist if I were you.

      1. I have this issue and it is related to screens as well. I wear blue blocking glasses during the work day now. I can tell the difference in my eyes when I don’t.

    6. Hey! So sorry you are going through this. I would definitely try an ophthalmologist. I had something similar when I was 16– sinus infection that turned into a fungal infection in my eye. It was so bad that I actually failed the vision section of my driver’s test because my vision had gotten so blurry. My doctor made me stop wearing contacts for a while and used the lubricating drops. Eventually (probably within a year or two), I was able to stop with the drops and just do them as needed.

      So– I think it will get better, but probably not as fast as you would like.

      1. Oh wow. I wouldn’t want to be putting immune suppressant steroids into my eye if I had an infection unless it’s needed for the inflammation. This is a good argument for seeing an ophthalmologist.

    7. As we get older, the glands or ducts or whatever that create the natural moisture barrier for our eyes get gucked up. Heated eye pads can “melt” the lipids so that they seep out onto our eye. The one my doctor recommended was Bruder Moist Heat Eye Compress. I think that is a pretty low risk thing to try.

      Another low risk thing to try could be wearing sleep goggles at night. (If we sleep with our eyes slightly open, this can lead to the situation where they are so dry we have trouble opening them.)

      I’m not familiar with the steroid drops. Do ask yourself if it’s only your eyes (how are your teeth doing for example?) since sometimes eyes are the most obvious component of sicca syndrome.

    8. Yes, I have dry eye.

      It started in my 40’s, and I assumed it was a perimenopausal thing.
      Yes you should see an ophthalmologist. Your history of red eye is also important for them to know.
      They should do more specialized tests to look at your degree of dry eye.
      Common causes of dry eye can be blepharitis, ocular rosacea, SICCA / many autoimmune problems (eg. SJogren’s syndrome).
      You should think about whether you have other symptoms like itchy/flakey/swollen/red eyes or lids too. And think about if you have other autoimmune symptoms like dry mouth, joint pains, red inflammation anywhere on your skin or weird rashes etc.. and let the doctor know.

      Dry eye turned out to be an early sign of my many new autoimmune diagnoses, that often strike otherwise healthy young/middle aged women. How I wish I had seen an eye doctor sooner, and told my primary care doctor sooner about this new symptom and my other complaints. If you have any other autoimmune type / weird symptoms, just go see a rheumatologist.

      For treatment, it is really important to have a humidifier in your bedroom and home at all times. I use preservative free eye drops 3x per day and as needed, and genteal eye gel before sleep. I keep meticulous eye care with twice a day eyelid washes with Ocusoft (I get the large bottle of foam cleanser – tiny dollup, rub on closed lids/lashes/quick rinse), and try to use a heated eye mask twice a day for 5-10min (which stimulates release of oils to moisturize protect the dry eye). Do these things and your dry eye will hopefully disappear. Don’t jump to expensive medications unless your doctor recommends them. Of course you need daily disposables for lenses, and let the eye doctor tell you if you should avoid contacts entirely.

      Never mess around with an optometrist when it comes to eye problems. They are just for prescriptions.

      1. I posted below about episcleritis. That came along with a new autoimmune diagnosis for me. My Opthamologist described it as “probably” autoimmune.

    9. My optometrist recommended fish oil supplements and not sleeping with a ceiling fan on to help dry eyes. I doubt it’s enough to cure very dry eyes, but might help a little.

    10. Go to an Opthamologist. I battled something similar that turned out to be episcleritis. Anyway whatever it is your Opthamologist is going to have better solutions than your optometrist. I used a steroid eye drop off and on for a while before it cleared up and now I keep it at bay with prescription moisturizing drops. But without the steroids (and keeping a close watch on intraocular pressure) it wouldn’t have cleared up on its own.

    11. You’re messing with fire using those steroid drops without regularly having your pressure measured. It’s time to go to a real doctor / opthamologist and get to the root of this. Stop using the steroid eye drops and stop ignoring the advice to use them briefly and taper. You’re undoubtedly causing new problems. It’s time for real medical advice, not a fashion blog.

      1. posted earlier re gel drops – when i screwed up my eyes i needed steroid drops like 4x a day. trust your doctor, but actually see an eye doctor (ophthalmologist).

        another thing you can look into – tear duct filler. i feel like someone here had it done and talked about it in the past…

    12. Have you been tested for Thygeson’s? I had a huge flareup a few years ago and thought I was going blind. It was acutely painful dry eye and I literally couldn’t see. The optometrist was no use – just prescribed glasses, which did nothing. I finally saw the opthamologist, who prescribed Restasis and steriod drops, and that fixed it. I still get occasional flare-ups but can manage them now. If the steroids aren’t working, I think you need to figure out something else. I would book an appointment with the opthamologist, not the optometrist, ASAP.

    13. just popping in to say

      a) look into Sjogren’s syndrome (bloodwork is needed)
      b) Theratears GEL for nighttime — they’re preservative free. please please tell me you’re not doing visine at all, that will make it worse.
      c) get a Bruder heating eye mask and use it for 15 minutes a day – you can get them on Amazon
      d) yes yes please see an ophthalmologist. i had a big problem years ago and basically nearly exfoliated my corneas – i went to the closest ophthalmologist who could get me in and she immediately sent me to a cornea specialist.
      e) you can look into prescription drugs like restaysis, tyrvana, or xiidra – i haaaated xiidra b/c of the taste but that’s me; it might work.

    14. OP here- thanks for the input. Just to be clear on one thing, I’m not “ignoring advice to taper”- it’s just that I’ve hit the point where I should start the tapering and have had no impact at all…which is making me think this is not a reasonable course to continue. I have no interest in a month long course of steroids that does nothing.

      Thanks too for everyone recommending the ophthalmologist. I thought that would be the way to go, then called up the optometrist since I had just been in there and asked which I should do, and he had me come in. He did measure my eye pressures as part of the exam. The general vibe I got was “things are inflamed and angry, but they will calm down with time, the steriods will help with that.” He did have me use the Bruders pads alongside the steroid drops, and recommended humidifiers, and did ask about some of the symptoms that would be present for other issues (scaliness, problems with ducts, etc- all not an issue right now) so it sounds like at least all that is tracking. And we talked about the impact of contacts which are apparently not an issue– he wasn’t trying to sell me anything, I’ve already got them and glasses.

      Anyway, off to the doc I go. Like an old 40 year old with eye problems ;)

      1. The issue with steroid eye drops is that they can make the eye pressures go up as a side effect. So always be in close touch with follow-up with an ophthalmologist if you are using.

        1. Prescribing steroid eye drops and measuring ocular pressure is entirely within an optometrist’s scope of practice

  12. Update request? The woman who posted a few weeks ago about her boyfriend who wanted more physical affection, not necessarily gardening. She seemed to really want to stay in the relationship and make it work but was struggling with how to pet him more frequently.

  13. Work advice needed: (maybe just a “get out” if it comes to that)
    I’m a likely life-long Independent Contributor as I’m autistic and a late-bloomer who started corporate life at 30 after an unremarkable college life post retail-service jobs.
    About a year ago I took a huge pay-cut to step down into a “for now” job due to the crazy job market after being hired and then fired out of a “terrible match” job. This current job actually turned out great at first–I had tons of autonomy, respect, etc.
    I recently got a raise, bonus, “exceeds expectations” and expanded duties, based on my terrific performance in the past year. Okay so far so good.
    However my team was merged with a larger org where my actual job title is very low in the org and has rote, basic duties more suited to someone 1-5 years into the role. I’m at 15 years with a lot of expertise and experience.
    I’m now working with a difficult, condescending, controlling “Project Manager” type who started off with the line many women working with men will recognize is NOT a compliment “oh, I used to be in your role…”
    This person + the overall changes has effectively shrunk the role–which isn’t the primary thing I’m worried about. I can’t continue to put the terrific, actually effective numbers up doing cut and paste admin work and “beginner [Role]” stuff or tinkering around on Version 11.3 of Beginner Tool.
    I’m seeing all this advice out there “figure out what’s important to the org and move that needle”–well, updating screen shots in Beginner Tool is not “moving the needle” anywhere close to what I was doing before.
    I’ve raised a polite alarm a couple times and gotten sympathetic but “that’s the way it is” responses. I really, really don’t want to leave–I just barely reached a year after 2 less than a year flame-outs.
    I guess I’m looking for advice on the line where to put my foot down, where to work “around” the system, and what to grin and bear to be a “team player”–if anyone’s been in similar roles.

    1. Can you lateral to something similar in the org? Who gave you the great review? Maybe reach out and indicate that you are looking to grow your career and interested if anything on their team opens up?

    2. As a fellow autist, the new project manager has definitely ‘thin sliced’ you and established you’re different and therefore it’s acceptable to be rude to you. You’re never going to get this manager to treat you well, the only option is leaving.

    3. This the time to start looking for another role. What you’re describing isn’t going to change with your current manager.

    4. I think you should take them at their word that the role isn’t going to change — and that happens sometimes, just because you are capable and experienced with doing more advanced work doesn’t actually mean there’s a slot for that higher level work within a particular org or company.

      if you knew for sure that the role wouldn’t change, would you job search?

    5. I would try to make it to two years and then look for a role with more growth opportunities. The PM isn’t likely to change and it sounds like the job is what the job will be, but the two flame-outs prior means you need to have this job be a decent reference and demonstrate some stability. It needs to be clear the next move is on your terms versus being let go.

      1. That’s where I’m landing as well–make it another year and accept it’s likely going to be a less-stellar output, and quietly start looking around 3 months shy of 2 years.

        1. I’ll add to take this as a spring year. You took a step back, so make it a spring by doing things (profession dev, learning, networking, conference speaking, etc) that prepares you for your next role to be a step up.

    6. Oh my gosh so glad I saw this
      You could be me
      I am not diagnosed autistic but do have adhd
      Seem to be stuck in that individual contributor role whenever I make a start to management

      No advice now

      Thanks for posting is all

  14. This Atlantic article is interesting (nothing new, but extensive): https://www.theatlantic.com/technology/archive/2024/03/teen-childhood-smartphone-use-mental-health-effects/677722/

    It suggests four norms to address the toll smartphone use is having on adolescent development: No smartphones before high school, No social media before 16, Phone-free schools, and More independence, free play, and responsibility in the real world.

    Thoughts? For those who have kids who do not follow the norms above, why?

    1. Super unrealistic. And it makes your kids out of step with their peers, which has other negative consequences.

      1. This. You’re the ‘weird kid’ if you’re parented this way with no phone until high school and no social media until 16. Kids in upper elementary have smart phones now – this is so behind in terms of providing advice on reality.

        Our balance has been putting off phones until middle school (7th grade) although there were a few awkward moments with 6th grade teacher who clearly thought this was dumb on our part. No social media but I’m sure her friends show her stuff at lunch etc from their social media. Charging station for all ipads/phones in the house which is a table in the parents bedroom so there are no devices after bedtimes. That’s how I found out her BFF was texting at 1am. Made our kid turn off notifications so I wasn’t woken up. BFF’s mom is a pediatrician.

        Our other strategy is to let the kids do basically as many extra curriculars as they want and we can afford without breaking the budget entirely. Anything that involves them doing a sport, participating in a school club or other type of lesson – we try to say yes to create as many non-tech based social experiences and engagement opportunities as possible.

        1. Wow. A pediatrician with a kid texting at 1 am? What a horrible parent who should know how awful that is for her daughter’s health and development. Have you spoken to her? She clearly has the information to know better, but perhaps you could give her an article or two if you are going to permit your kid to maintain the friendship. That is pretty egregious parenting for a doctor and I would have reservations about the friendship. I certainly would not be letting my own child spend time in the BFF’s home with that lack of supervision and proven poor judgment.

          1. My son is in 5th grade. He has an old iphone he uses at home on wifi to text with friends. It doesn’t have cell service, so the texting is done via his Apple ID. We use Bark and all his messages show up on my Ipad as well. His school is phone free, so it stays at home. He has to charge it in my office at night. He also plays video games with his school friends several hours a week, but we don’t allow in-game messaging or calls. If he wants to talk them while playing, he has to call on the phone or ipad. We don’t allow social media or messaging apps like WhatsApp or Snapchat.

          2. Yes I’m definitely going to rat her out for that, I’m sure that will build lots of trust with my daughter. Friend is otherwise a kind and generous kid if a bit of a spoiled only child with very few rules.

    2. My son is 6 so no experience as a parent but I teach university. It is absolutely awful. The inability to focus on anything, the impact on self-esteem of constantly staring at their own faces, the exposure to really scary stuff at very young ages… I have students who come to class with one earbud in and watch videos throughout, and if they get told off, they just won’t attend at all.

      Teenagers growing up in the UK have known nothing but political dysfunction and economic instability, and are self-medicating with TikTok.

      1. Same view from the US college classroom.

        I haven’t found these to be super unrealistic at all. I have a 7th grader and he does not have a smartphone and is thus “out of step” with his peers and it’s fine. He makes plans with friends the old-fashioned way; he’s involved in a bunch of extracurriculars and does well in school. The inability to focus and the brain shifts is a real issue.

        1. Yeah, I was also “out of step” with my peers on this count (although admittedly things were a bit different when I was in school) and I don’t think it was that big of a deal. I caught up just fine in my own way once I was in college.

        2. On the flip side, I wasn’t allowed to have AIM in grade school in the 00s and then didn’t get a smartphone / all social media besides Facebook until my freshman year of college and I found it hard socially (I’m 30, so started college in fall 2012).

          This means that I left school and didn’t talk to anyone from school until the next day, which sounds normal for Gen X and older but for my age that was very rare. Then, in high school and the first semester of college I didn’t have popular social media (Instagram and SnapChat) and missed out on quite a bit. I also didn’t have the ability to group text in any format: SMS, iMessage or messaging apps like GroupMe. It was hard enough being left out of friend group chats, but my sorority and my varsity sports team had GroupMe chats for all sorts of information sharing that I couldn’t partake in.

          My parents also didn’t do any video games and limited what kind of TV, movies and music we could consume. It was very awkward back in the day being the odd man out and even still there are cultural touch points (Mario Kart, *NSYNC and the Backstreet Boys, Pokémon) that I don’t get. I had a cousin who was vehemently opposed to letting her kids watch SpongeBob and I worked hard on her to allow it because I knew it’d make her kids weird.

          All that said, I think smartphones and social media as they’re used now are definitely damaging. I’m years away from having kids, so I have no answer on how to strike a balance, but I strongly believe it needs to be a balance.

          I hate TikTok and think the way that the youth uses Instagram is awful. I don’t understand new trends like kids being into skincare and how young girls are always looking put together (where are the awkward phases?). I definitely think it’s a shame, but I don’t the the answer is no smartphones or social media.

          1. When I was in elementary school there was a game called “TV tag” that involved shouting out the names of TV shows. I hated it because the only shows I knew were Sesame Street, Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood, and Little House on the Prairie.

    3. My oldest is 5 but I have spent a lot of time thinking about this, although who knows what the landscape will be when she’s in middle/high school. My husband and I are on the same page about no social media and no smart phone until high school. I’ve thought about maybe one of those smart watches with phone/text in late elementary as an alternative.

      Does this sound crazy – I’m wondering if there are groups of parents whose kids are friends who form a pact of sorts that they will not buy their kids a smart phone/allow social media? As a way to circumvent peer pressure/being an outcast because you aren’t allowed a phone/social media? Maybe an entire classroom or grade could do this?

      1. We did this with our oldest’s group of friends’ parents. Some stuck with it, some caved. I really can’t emphasize enough that the worry about your kid being an outcast might be overstated.

      2. The “wait until 8th” thing (a group encouraging groups of parents to commit to no smart phone until at least 8th grade) is popular in my circles

    4. I’ll have to read it, but by your summary I absolutely agree with those points being the goal. But parenting in the real world is hard, and unless your whole social circle makes these changes, they probably won’t work. It feels like the cat is out of the bag now and we’ll never catch it again.

      I work really hard to limit screen time for my kids. We don’t do any during the week, we have specific times on weekends, and they have no tablets or individual devices. But then I hear about how my son gets to play an hour of online games when he has indoor recess (not educational – Five Nights at Freddy’s!) and he tells me he watches YouTube with other kids on the bus home. He’s 8! (Maybe this is what we get for not homeschooling…lol.)

      I would absolutely LOVE phone free schools, but parents are too nervous that their kids needs to be able to contact them at any time for any reason…never mind the fact that a distracted kid is in more danger during an emergency, and the overall impact of screens in school is real and damaging, compared to the smaller chance of a real emergency.

      If anyone is in the market for friends who aren’t addicted to screens and will host old fashioned screen-free play dates, hit me up :P

      1. Why can’t they be dumb phones though? Texting and calls allow for contact but not access to the entire internet.

    5. Gave phones at close to end of 8th grade (big trip safety), we were the outliers and so what. I am an odd bird. Oh well.
      They had to call me when home from school, but were allowed out and about after the call, then home for dinner.
      They worked or were in sports after school/weekends.
      My kids are now great conversationalists, can hold eye contact and stay present with others.
      Zero regrets. I would do it the same again.

    6. I will tell you that phone-free schools will not happen. My daughter’s school floated that idea and the parents revolted. Between the people terrified of school shootings and people who want the convenience of a phone to coordinate pick-ups, parents were not having it. (It was suggested that the rule be no phones out of backpacks during school hours, but the administration was not prepared to police that.)

      In our case, my daughter had a phone in elementary school (because we relied on a carpool for sports and sometimes it did not run smoothly) but did not get a smartphone until high school. I let her on social media at the same time with the caveat that she had to friend me on everything she did, mostly because trying to prevent that was virtually impossible with the technology at the time (it might have improved but this was 2014). By the time she was 17, I let her have Snapchat without restrictions. By then, I knew two critical things: my kid was not social media-obsessed and my lessons about people getting into real trouble posting stupid sh*t had sunk in. Also, I was working on giving her more independence and control in anticipation of her leaving for college.

      I am not sure what we do about an entire generation that has been taught that the world is a terrifying place that they are not capable of navigating on their own or in which any error, no matter how small or how young the perpetrator, can and will ruin their lives forever. (We wonder why they are anxious!) I tried to give my daughter more autonomy and independence and it mostly worked, but my child was naturally compliant and risk-averse – and even then, things happened that I wonder even now if I could and should have protected her from. If anything serious had happened, I would have been the negligent parent on the news. I am not sure how we as a society get past those fears.

      1. It’s happening in other schools already – I think once the idea gets more momentum, it will happen more broadly. The harms to kids are too obvious and too “everywhere” to ignore.

      2. Our school district is phone-free. It’s possible, but unless parents are on board, then it’s unlikely.

      3. I don’t understand why parents are not more anxious about the safety issues involved in having phone access!

        1. I am one of those parents who is a lot more worried about having a smartphone than not!

        2. I am a lot more worried about safety issues in my kids not having phone access. Yes, I know generations survived without being able to contact their parents 24/7, but I’ve become too accustomed to always knowing where my kids are. I certainly recognize the downsides. I know my own attention span has suffered.

    7. I don’t have kids but this seems reasonable. It will definitely lead to some “discussions” with kids but seems worth it. For the phone-free schools I would say phones must stay in lockers / otherwise can’t be out in class.

    8. I agree with all of this, but we did give our son a phone in 7th grade so he could call us if he needed to be picked up earlier than anticipated from an activity. He promptly lost it (3x… third one stuck…), so that’s on us. But there are zero payphones at the school right now, and no phones the kids can use if they need to be picked up early. I get these panicked emails like “pick me up in 20 minutes ok?” “is anyone there?” “please let me know you’re coming!!” — we live 15 minutes from school so if we don’t see it immediately he’s screwed.

      he does consume social media like youtube and so forth but he doesn’t have any.

    9. Honestly, this is why I’d be very okay banning TikTok. I’m sure something else would come along to fill the void, I know it wouldn’t magically cure society. But it would improve the world.

      1. Why not ban Twitter and Facebook first? If I were a teen I would think adults were the worst hypocrites on this issue.

        1. Not the Anon above: there is a long and involved answer to that, which doesn’t easily turn into a comment on the internet.

          TikTok is far, far worse than FB.

          1. I don’t know what kind of carefully curated Facebook experience you’ve had, but there’s no category of horrible thing that is absent from Facebook and present on TikTok, whether we’re talking about content, algorithms, the scrolling experience, etc.

          2. I never heard about Facebook giving teen girls ticks that required medical care, whatever other problems it has caused. There is something uniquely damaging about TikTok, not the least of which is that it’s owned by a Chinese parent company.

          3. That is literally only because teen girls aren’t on Facebook. This would happen on any social media platform they were on. It happened on MySpace! It happened on Tumblr!

            Facebook did radicalize a bunch of boomers into QAnon though, since that is who is on Facebook.

            As a free American I want access to Chinese stuff. China is the oppressive and paternalistic country who likes to control what their citizens can access.

          4. I’m really interested in this. For me, the most dangerous of the social media apps is instagram – because it’s so based on visuals. I think it’s really damaging for teens and also for me. I have ruthlessly curated my social feeds so I mostly have a delightful time on the apps, but Instagram still triggers a lot of FOMO and body shame.

    10. Our daughter’s school is phone free during classtime. Rule is phones stay in their lockers. But every kid also gets a chromebook so it’s useless. Daughter reports that the boys just sit in the back and play video games in math class and she feels bad for the teacher who is clearly struggling to get anyone to pay attention.

    11. I don’t have children yet, but in today’s world, I would absolutely not be okay with phone free schools. The state of the public school system, imo, requires children to have a way to contact their parents. I would never go to work, run errands, or even go to a friends, without a phone, so why should a kid go to school without one?

      1. Because of the myriad studies showing the negative effects on kids’ mental and physical health by being constantly tethered to a phone. And beyond that, it really hampers true socialization, independence and problem-solving (eg, figuring out on their own what to do if they need a ride or have to get something and can’t be quickly rescued by parents, talking to the kids around them instead of staring at a screen, etc).

        I agree with the previous poster that maybe the answer is dumb phones.

      2. I agree with this but am fine with a smartphone ban. So many of the issues with distractions, inappropriate content, social media participation, just vanish if it’s a phone that make send and receive phone calls and texts and maybe play tetris and that’s about it. It was good enough for my generation anyway!

      3. My kids go to a lovely public school. If they have a good reason (like, they’re feeling unwell and need to be picked up, not they forgot their homework), they can go to the office and call home. If I have a good reason (like, someone unexpected is picking them up, which has yet to happen), I can call the office and they’ll relay the message. If it’s not a strong enough reason to go through the office, it probably shouldn’t disrupt the school day.

    12. We chose our kids’ school for a lot of reasons but a big one was that it is phone-free through 8th grade; in high school students can take their phone to school but it has to be put away until the end of the school day. We also chose our neighborhood to be close to the school so that we could live near other families with the same values. My oldest is ten; some of her friends have a Gabb watch or an old iPod to listen to music, but most do not have any individual electronic device.

      The school + neighborhood choice is not ideal in some ways (school doesn’t offer all the extracurriculars we would like, for example, and our house is pretty small for four kids), and I took a big step back in my career to move somewhere closer to family and where there was a school we liked where we were confident the other families had shared values around technology and parenting. But we would 100% do it again because it means that our kids’ peer groups also do not have phones/social media. It is so great. They have proper, undocumented, unrecorded childhoods with lots of independence.

      I am hoping the norms mentioned in the article spread more widely so that people don’t have to move and carefully cultivate a peer group for their children to protect their kids’ healthy development. But until that happens, it is worthwhile for individual parents to make the effort to do it. I participate in a volunteer program in the local public high schools through an industry group I’m a member of and the kids at my own kids’ school are noticeably more capable and at-ease in the world than the kids I interact with through the volunteer program.

      I had to learn to stop using my own phone so much also – and give myself more non-electronic responsibility and interaction. I don’t use electronics at all on Sundays and have a 30-minute daily limit set on my phone for all social media combined, including here.

    13. A huge problem is that children must have internet access to do their homework. As adults, we gravitate to social media when we are supposed to be working so how do we expect kids not to do it?

      1. It does need to be a different standard for kids because the excessive usage impacts their developing brains differently than it impacts fully grown adult brains.

    14. I’m probably late to this conversation, but the hot holiday gift was an Apple Watch this year. Kindergarteners with a smart watch! It’s nutty! I was making lunch while my daughter and two friends (1st grade/Kindergarten) were chatting and the one kid was constantly calling their Mom on their watch to tattle. I was meanwhile texting the Mom context behind the conversation.

      All this to say, the problem doesn’t start at the teenage years. It’s already here in early elementary.

      1. This is wild! The watch is the total opposite of helpful for this child. And mom, I would think.

      2. Yeah the friend who made everyone in our group SWEAR no phones until 8th just got smart watches for her 3rd and 1st grader, and they text and call her on them constantly. Same friend was super judgey that we allowed some of the kids to text each other on an app on iPads (all kids whom we knew well, but who go to different schools).

    15. My kids had cell phones from middle school age, once they were walking home from school alone (actually in groups, but not with a parent.) Smart phones around high school age. They’re both in college and doing great. No issues.

    16. I have a 4th grader and some of her friends have phones. She’s my oldest and I’ve already told her it’s a nonstarter til middle school. When she gave me all the reasons she “needed” one, I said “just use [friend’s] to call me!”

      She does use an old iPhone with wifi to access messenger kids, both of which are connected to my accounts so I can monitor everything, which I often remind her. I make a point to talk about some of the exchanges so she know I check in on them.

    1. It’s awful. I wanted to love it, I was looking forward to it and it’s unwatchable.

    2. I liked the first couple episodes but it seems like they ran out of story too quickly and now it’s just kind of the same scenes over and over again. Still enjoying it though! Love the actresses and the outfits.

      1. OP here – I have watched the first three episodes but have been wondered how there’s enough story for 5 (?) more. I think the acting has been really remarkably good (except for Demi Moore who was really gnawing the scenery) and the set dressing/costuming is incredible,

    3. I started it but I’m having trouble getting through it!! I’ve watched up to episode 4. It’s a show I keep turning on but then turning off after one episode, instead of wanting to watch it all. The sets and costumes are beautiful, and the swans are beautifully compelling and a little awful but since they’re beautiful and rich they’re fun to watch. I don’t know anything about Capote before watching this. I’m so conflicted; I find him intriguing and then repulsive and horrible flawed in a repulsive way that I feel like I should be empathetic for but I have such a hard time with.

    4. I fell off after the first few episodes. All the New York actors are wonderfully cast. I am interested in actually reading more of Capote’s work now. I’ve only read Breakfast at Tiffany’s so far. For some reason, I never really got into mid-century authors. It seems like 1930s and earlier was where my school literature courses cut off or then jumped to recent (80s and newer) authors.

  15. Help me develop a packable vacation wardrobe? Vacation me requires a totally different wardrobe than regular me. Vacation involves day hikes, scuba diving, road trips, walking around cute towns and museums, and eating/drinking anywhere from a neighborhood bar to a cute winery to Michelin star restaurants. The same trip might involve glaciers and beaches, so I have to be prepared for all weather. I also bring camera equipment and my work laptop. I pack in one carryon and a small backpack. I do laundry once or twice during the trip.

    I think I need a rain shell plus fleece rather than trying to bring a winter coat. Suggestions for either? And I probably need some better base layers. Merino base layers that are supposedly unstinkable have been following me around insta; are they worthwhile? I have sensitive skin so I stay away from wool but maybe performance merino is different?

    1. The single thing that has made my vacations so much easier is giving up the mentality that I have to pack everything in a carryon. That caused way more stress and “on vacation” purchases than checking a bag does. Give yourself the gift of packing everything you need and checking a large suitcase. I still take a few things in a carryon to mitigate any risk of my bag being delayed (which while awful, hasn’t happened to me in many many years). Also air tags give great comfort there.

      1. +1000, we do carryon only when it’s convenient, and check when convenient. Always have the first 2 days’ worth of needs in a carryon and anything essential (like prescriptions for the whole trip).

      2. I hear you, but a big bag doesn’t work for the type of trips I take. I’m moving around a lot. Staying in one place for 3 nights max, carrying luggage up and down stairs and over cobblestones or rocky paths, dealing with small cars or trains or boats, not to mention tiny planes (like sea planes, 3 or 4-seaters including the pilot) with strict weight limits. I’m not so adventurous that I’m bringing a hiking backpack – a rolling bag is so much easier – but I’m too adventurous for a big checked bag.

        1. You can’t have both all the stuff you want for 1,000 activities and carry on size bag. It’s just not how physics works. But you should check out the onebag and heronebag subreddits for tips and backpack recommendations.

        2. OP, if you are willing to handle a carry on bag, might I suggest getting the 26″ medium Briggs & Riley bag? It is only slightly bigger than an American sized carryon and gives you probably that little bit of space you need.

          1. that’s not likely to work well internationally though were the max height for carry ons is often 20 or 21 “

        3. Where are you going – is shipping an option? We’ve used FedEx to send golf clubs to FL before and the cost for dropping it off and picking up at a FedEx location (vs. home delivery) was actually a few dollars less than checking a bag.

        4. There’s nothing adventurous about being unprepared for outdoor excursions. That’s amateurish.

          On a more serious note, the hardcore travelers I know leave their luggage for 1-3 nights at a hotel while they go off on short excursions with a light bag. Some hotels will do this directly, but there are also separate service providers like Stasher that let you book this kind of service. I’ve also known people to ship their luggage to meet them at their next hotel while they go off for a few days.

      3. +1
        I fly for business travel about once a month. My colleagues and I routinely check bags even for shorter trips. The advantages of having what I need on every trip outweighs the very small risk of a delayed bag. I think I’ve had one bag get delivered late in the last 40 or so trips, and it was on the flight home when it didn’t matter anyways.

        1. This really depends on using mostly direct flights or flights with the same airlines.

          Twice on our trip to Europe last year I was able to avoid a delay by being carry on only. Incoming flight was delayed and they were able to switch us to an earlier replacement flight when I told them we were carry on only. This saved day of our vacation on the way over (landing in Rome at 3pm instead of Florence at 11pm when our accommodation was half way between the two so would have had to overnight in Florence) and also saved a long painful layover on the way back when we got delayed in customs.

          I used to hate carry on only but for indirect international travel, post pandemic, I would never check a bag.

    2. One swimsuit and quick dry towel
      – sandals for beach
      – comfy waterproof hikers – wear on plane and glacier
      – dressy flats
      – whatever shoes work best for you for touring around all day

      – for merino – check out icebreaker. Some of the patterned merino tops would double as a top with a nice skirt or pants and right accessories for a dressier dinner.

      – packing cubes are key. Small backpack holds work laptop and camera equipment then carry on for clothes/shoes

    3. I am sensitive to animal fibers and performance wool is just horribly itchy. I choose synthetic performance fabrics instead.

      For outerwear layers, I like a rain shell + thin down puffer better than rain shell + fleece. A thin puffer vest is a nice layer for intermediate temperatures. I recently bought the Rain Rebel jacket from LLL and like it because it’s a little longer and sleeker and can be worn in town with dresses as well as on the trails for hiking.

      For walking around town, museums, dining I like to pack knit dresses. Knit dresses take up much less packing space than pants + tops and resist wrinkles better than woven dresses. My current favorite is the Z Supply Reverie dress, although the shirttail hem makes it somewhat less dressy. At home I wear a jean jacket with my dresses, but for travel I like something that packs smaller like the Annie Bing army jacket or a cardigan.

    4. When I pack for vacation, I start with one outfit per day based on what activity I have planned. Sometimes I can mix and match clothing items. Then I’ll add on extras as needed in case things get dirty. I check a bag, but put a change of clothes and toiletries in my carry-on. Things like my swimsuit also go in the carry-on because that’s not something I can easily buy in a new destination.

    5. I just got back from a multi-climate vacation and I used Lands End silk thermals as my base layer and was delighted with them. I run cold but i felt like merino was going to be too hot and scratchy. On top of that I wore fleece-lined yoga pants from Amazon and waterproof pants on the bottom, plus a zip-up fleece top and puffer plus rain layer (it was VERY COLD where I was) on top. It all worked out great.

      As for non-gear, I am a big believer in what i call “space clothes” — the super techy-fabric clothes that are made especially for travel. You might not be the most fashionable person, but you will be comfortable and these kinds of items don’t take up much space in your suitcas.

      Travel Fashion Girl dot com is a good packing resource, BTW. She has videos and everything (although she is sponsored by a packing-cubes company and pushes hard on them so be warned).

        1. Best bet is to go to REI and see what they have in stock. If that’s not possible, I like Columbia, Patagonia, Royal Robbins (but their return policy isn’t very good), and Kuhl. And my most beloved super techy navy blazer is from Eddie Bauer.

  16. Question for moms of older kids – my autistic 9yo is struggling with reading comprehension. Does anyone have any good resources or tips? There’s so much out there.

    1. Read aloud with her and stop frequently to ask questions and discuss. What just happened in that last paragraph? How do you think the character feels? Why? What do you think the character will do next? Why? Who even is this minor character again?

      Having her read along with a good audiobook recording is also helpful.

      The workbooks you can buy are all garbage.

    2. I wished my ASD-1 kid had started OT sooner. The OT practice we go to just helps teens and adults in the spectrum and it is so nice to have people who finally GET my child. I feel like I was perpetually asking for help and recommendations before we got help that actually helped.

    3. Can your child understand the words but not the subtext? If yes and they are an advanced reader I’d look into books that explain symbolism/fables/aesop’s stories. The Heroine’s Journey by Gail Carriger is a good one. You can then make it into a pattern recognition exercise. My kid had a problem with the same thing (and still thinks it’s hard/dumb and prefers nonfiction for this reason). But a cheat sheet of dawn=hope/new beginnings/change, darkness=evil/loss of hope, red=tempting/death, etc. made it easier for him. Basically I explained fiction like a foreign language and how to decode it and then started with simpler books and had him point out the themes.

      1. ohhhh this might work. he struggles with receptive language in general, and has zero interest in anything they’re reading at school. his doesn’t watch any TV or movies so he has no pop culture basis for half the books, and his primary interest is ceiling fans. but he read early and is an excellent speller.

        1. It’s (imho) important to push on this early because it’s closely tied to symbolic language/receptive language. My kiddo likes the ‘learning how to speak/understand another language’ angle as it validates that this is hard and foreign to his brain and that it IS a different language in a lot of ways. I’ve also pointed out that I speak ‘corporate’ at work so lots of people have to understand different slang/norms no matter what and that it’s good practice as he gets older.

    4. Research Lindamood-Bell’s Visualizing and Verbalizing materials. I used them (and then the process without the materials) with one of my kids. It worked well for her. Another thing I did to help her learn to hold images in her mind was to have her spell words to me backwards. It was always simple words she knew, but it literally taught her to see a picture of the word in her head.

  17. Help me with an extremely low-stakes problem.

    I’m in my late 30s, in-house lawyer. While I think I generally present well, I guess I’ve never really felt super polished and put-together from an accessories/grooming perspective. My hair is ok, I think, and I wear makeup to work, but I don’t wear much jewelry or accessories and one thing I’ve honed in on that I always notice about other women is my nails. I wear them short and usually unpolished (if polished, then it’s something sheer). I know this sounds ridiculous but I’ve always felt like I didn’t have nice nail beds. My nails (especially on my middle fingers) are sort of… flat? wide? They don’t have that nice long rounded-on-top shape that I see on a lot of women. Also, my nails are cr*p – they tend to peel/break. I’ve tried lots of different solutions to no avail. I love how gel looks but it destroys my already weak nails.

    How can I get amazing looking fake nails that won’t ruin my already-not-great natural nails? Is there a way? I don’t want long nails, but I want that perfectly groomed look I see on other women. I assume those women get their nails done every other week at least and I’m willing to put in the time but not sure what to ask for at the salon that won’t make me regret it (like gel).

    TIA!

    1. Try dip, it’s a bit more gentle than gel. Fake nails are just as damaging as gel or anything else. Or just get regular plain old manicures at a salon, just don’t expect them to last weeks and weeks. You’ll get about a week max, usually less so time it accordingly.

      1. My nails are completely trashed from dip. I tried to break the cycle during the pandemic with all kinds of strengtheners, but went back to dip as soon as salons opened.

    2. FWIW, for a regular manicure to look nice it’s a weekly effort not every other. Every other is the cadence for dip or gel to look polished. You just need to go more often if it’s a look you want.

    3. I found my nails would break even with gel, so I switched to dip powder. I get my nails done every few weeks. My natural nails aren’t great, but the dip seems to protect them and they get really long. The key is to keep up with the manicures. The times when I just got the dip or gel removed, my nails would be pretty weak afterwards. I like having painted nails and I’m finally at a point in life where I have the time/money for regular manicures.

      Another option is Gel-X nails. They are basically fake nails but are easier to remove than acrylic. I think they can be soaked off like gel polish. I think they would need to be removed each time you want the polish changed.

      I have also heard of structured gel manis. I’ve never had one, but I think it is a little more longer lasting and durable than regular gel.

    4. I have bad nail genetics and it took me years to realize that none of those supposedly miracle products are going to make them great nails. I used to think it was something I did/didn’t do that made my nails bad, but it’s just my DNA. I’ve accepted that and if I want nice nails I get acrylics. I do it a few times per year usually.

    5. The “rounded-on-top” look usually comes from a gel manicure or similar. You can get a similar look without damaging your nails by using the Dazzle Dry system with the ridge filler base coat.

    6. Try adding gelitine to your diet – jello, gummy vitamines. Gelitine can improve nail strength and is otherwise benign. It won’t change the shape of your nails but can help with splitting and sheen.

    7. Gel-X is a good option, but something a bit lower and easier on removal may be a builder gel manicure. Builder gel is a slightly thicker polish that is UV set and sits on top of your natural nail as a protective layer. It’s not designed for long nails like Gel-X is, so it might be ideal for your goal of polished and shorter natural nails.

      I get a builder gel manicure once a month or so and have had a look at the nails underneath my builder gel a few times now. I haven’t noticed that my nails are particularly weaker than prior to starting the manicures.

      One non-polish tip is cuticle oil – if you put it on before bed regularly, you might see some improvement in your nail beds. And a clear polish can help protect nails from peeling.

      Also! Consider press-ons! They are cheap, easy to remove, and cause much less damage than gel, builder gel or Gel-X.

    8. If the nails are rounded above the surrounding skin, that’s from gel or dip or acrylic. I dislike all of these things and have gotten way more than my money’s worth out of Essie’s Gel Setter topcoat. It’s not actually gel but gives that thick, glossy, sturdy finish and my DIY manis usually last me 5-6 days.

    9. i feel like readers here have talked about how amazing that olive and june home manicure program is? i just saw a tiktok person talking about how it’s one of her favorite brands because they can last an entire week without chipping.

      something else to try is nail envy — it’s a clear polish so it’s hard to F up but it strengthens your nails and adds some polish. Kur’s illuminating nail concealer is similar, but I left it on my toenails for a few weeks at the end of summer and my nails were totally weird when i removed it — stripey and weird — and they’re still healing months later.

    10. Has your blood work been checked lately? Weak nails could be a symptom of certain deficiencies. You can get close to the “groomed” look by just shaping your natural nails with a file, and then using a very neutral nail polish like ballet slippers. Then, whenever you chip the polish, just touch it up.

    11. I say this with love but given your nail issues, short and unpolished seems like it’s the best solution for you. Clean is all you need to be well groomed. You do not need long nails or painted nails to be perceived as polished or presentable in a corporate setting.

      1. Couldn’t agree more. My nails sound similar to yours and I keep them short and unpolished (I have a mani-pedi maybe once a month or so and ask for “buff shiny” instead of polish on my fingers).

      2. This. If you want a simple want to make your nails look a little more polished, try Dior Nail Glow. Manicures never last for me (even gel only lasts a few days at most before chipping), but this makes me feel a little more put together.

      3. +1 I like short and just a clear topcoat. It’s subtle but far nicer looking than bare nails imo.

    12. It’s not the gel that damages your nails, it is the removal. And you will have the same type of “damage” from the removal of dips, which is just basically acrylic powder. Gel makes my nails stronger when I have it on, and I always have it on. I usually get at least 2 weeks out of gel. The key with gel is that you can’t do gel every once in awhile. It’s something that you have to keep doing. Even with a perfect removal, your nails will be thinner after removal because you have to buff down the nail a bit to take the shine off so that the gel will adhere to your nail. Any type of gel, acrylic, dip, builder gel, etc. that involves roughing up the nail so that the product will adhere to it will cause the nail damage you are talking about unless you continuously have those products on your nails.

      1. I had to give up the gels cold turkey at the beginning of the pandemic. I didn’t realize how bad it had made my natural nails. The techs had to use “the powder” regularly on half my nails to thicken them up because they got so thin. I thought that’s just how my nails were, but I was lying to myself. Several years without gels now and I have to cut my nails regularly because they get too long. Gel is hell on the nails.

    13. I only notice other women’s nails when they have a bold, newly done polish on. (Disclaimer, I mostly don’t do anything with my nails.) If you have really nice shoes or a few jewelry pieces, I’d notice that way before nails personally, and those seem easier to throw on.

  18. A few weeks ago someone posted a link to an autism quiz, and now I can’t find it. If anyone still has it and could share that would be amazing.

  19. I’m responding to the poster from yesterday who was told she would not be eligible for partnership because of her low billable hours in the year in which her husband died. First, I want to say that I am deeply sorry for your loss. And also f—- you to your law firm for their treatment of you during this terrible time. It reminded me of what happened to me many years ago when my mother died. The managing partner didn’t send a condolence card of any kind, but he did send me an email complaining about my hours. I hated that firm so much, for that and so many other reasons. Eventually I left that firm and went to another one that was much kinder and actually cared about the people who worked there, instead of focusing only on the bottom line. Such firms exist! And I made more money there than I ever did at my prior firm. I hope you find a place that treats you better than your current firm. Wishing you peace and strength in the days ahead.

      1. OFFS. Smokey is letting the OP know she’s thinking about her and can relate to their situation. Some of us like kindness. Feel free to give it a whirl sometime.

    1. I super-agree with this. Some firms are humane, some are not. I’ve worked at 6 biglaw firms over the years as staff, clerk, associate. The overall winner, FWIW, was Mintz. Loser: Latham in 2009 (during the Lathamizing time), Cravath (for absolute superhuman hours).

      1. Thank you to those who responded to the poster at 3:02. I really don’t understand the ugly comments that are often seen here. But the more typical comments are supportive and kind as those responses demonstrated.

        1. Yeah, I mean, what is the point of the judgmental/critical comment? So unproductive! Counterpoint to commenter at 3:02: nobody asked for your opinion.

  20. I just wanted to say thank you to the poster last week (?) who recommended the Sperry Two-Tone Penny Heel. I got them and I love them! Super cute for work and very comfortable.

    1. yay that was me! I’m wearing mine today too!

      Senior Attorney, I’m wearing mine with wide leg jeans in my casual office. No professional office necessary. ;)

      1. Stop it! (She said, as she sat at her retirement-home-office computer and thought about wearing jeans and fabulous two-tone heels…)

  21. Have you flown on Spirit Airlines? Is it a workable option? They seem to be the only available option for our upcoming spring break trip (DC to PR – ive posted about it a couple of times recently, thanks for all of your tips!!). I get anxious on flights but can handle it better when my family is with me and they will be with me on this trip, so I should be ok. Thanks for your help!

    1. It’s a budget airline, so don’t expect any frills, but as far as safety it’s as good as any other airline as far as I know. However, the one time I flew Spirit it was such a terrible experience- delayed flights, no communication, stressful beyond regular delays, such that I have never flown it again even though it is often the cheapest option.

    2. I mean, the planes are safe, but they’re known for sometimes rowdy passengers (I’d be nervous about this at spring break, personally), for bad customer service in the event of travel disruption like a cancelled flight, and for nickel-and-diming you on everything. If you do it, just pay for everything (seats, bags) now. They are also known for making people put their bags in the little model bins at the airport for fit.

    3. It’s fine. There are horror stories but I’ve flown them a few times post COVID and never had an issue besides one extended on the tarmac delay. They are no frills and will charge you for everything, so bring your own snacks and water, etc. Their seats are essentially folding chairs. It won’t be the most luxury flying experience you’ve had, but they’ll get you there in one piece.

    4. Tips:
      – Purchase the most deluxe ticket they offer. Your back and legs will thank you. Yes, even if it is Row A and you need to schlep a carryon towards the back. Yes, even if it is only one more inch of seat depth than the other seats.
      – assume you will be delayed. Do not book tight layovers. Plan for time.
      -Assume zero frills also means zero help. If you can’t shoulder press your own bag, check it and put an AirTag in it or pack lighter. If you forget headphones, assume you are toast. Pee before you leave. Don’t drink anything with plane ice in it. Do not rely on any in flight amenities like being able to recline, having a reading light or fan, requesting a blanket, using wifi, or getting any specific beverage or snack.

      Not saying this to knock them. But I find when my expectations are set, it is harder for me to be disappointed or ruin my vaca.

    5. I wouldn’t take them under any circumstance. I’ve heard way too many horror stories. United flies DC (Dulles) to San Juan nonstop every day of the week.

    6. The one time I flew Spirit I almost missed the flight and I was in the airport. Like a good rule follower, I arrived 2 hours before the flight, went straight to the gate, and I’d downloaded the app and allowed notifications. The flight was running 3 hours late so I made myself comfortable in the closest airport bar. I walked past the gate to double check the time whenever I got up to use the restroom, every hour or so. I also frequently checked the app and the airport monitor. Well the flight time changed back to 20 minutes delayed instead of 3 hours but the app and monitors never updated. I noticed people boarding when I did one of my bathroom break walk bys. Even the monitor at the gate said we were still delayed by 3 hours. Unsurprisingly the plane was pretty empty, I’m guessing everyone missed the flight.

      1. Omg I posted above about delays with no communication and this is very similar to what happened to me. That’s why it was so unnecessarily stressful!!! So weird.

    7. I fly it all the time. It’s definitely no frills but it does the job of getting me from A to B just fine!

  22. What’s the use case for a short sleeved cashmere sweater? Do people wear this under a blazer?

    1. If I weren’t allergic to cashmere I’d wear it under a blazer because I think blouses look sloppy. I would also wear it alone with dress pants and with jeans for a polished casual look.

    2. I’m wearing one today! I love them for mild spring weather – don’t overheat in a jacket on the commute, or in my sunny office, but they don’t look too summery for March.

      1. Have no idea why this posted as “Cat”. Could have sworn I typed in “anon”. My apologies to any “Cat” out there!

        1. Wait, is something in m-d? I’m the usual Cat and the one who posted at 12:41 about wearing one…

    3. I’ve got this one in ivory. I am enjoying it on spring days. It’s a very airy weave, a little bit fluffy, and not skin tight. I think it will be fine up to temps in the low 80’s.

      1. I’m wearing one today. It’s ivory. I’ve paired it with a satin, pleated, black midi skirt and booties. It’s 65 here and it’s perfect for this type of weather.

    4. You wear it on the top of your body . . . It’s a shirt. You wear it like any other shirt. FFS.

      1. It seems too hot of a material for me to wear alone during short sleeve weather. That’s why I was asking if people wear it as a layering piece. No need to be sparky.

        1. There is ALWAYS somebody waiting to comment wHy wOuLd yOu wEaR A ShOrT SlEeVeD SwEaTeR and it’s just such a dumb question.

    5. It’s good during Spring and Fall, when the temperatures can vary by 20 degrees, so a layering option. Also, cashmere can be thin but still warm, so you don’t have bulky nordic sweater syndrome.

  23. Help me come up with an April Fools’ Day prank on MIL. In the past her pranks have been “Cousin is having twins!” or “There was a bear in our yard!” (They live in northern MI so this is possible but rare – she then sends a pic of a teddy bear in their yard.) DH falls for it every year. This year we will be at their house for Easter weekend through April 1. She and FIL’s birthday is on the 3rd (yes they share a birthday.) We also have a DS who is 3. Seems like lots of opportunities for a good prank but I’m coming up empty at the moment.

    1. Our kids are still laughing about the time we asked DH if he wanted brownies for dessert and then passed him the pan to ‘serve them’ and it was full of the letter E cut out of brown construction paper (Amelia Bedelia book was the basis for the joke).

      Kids were also preschooler age so they were able to help cut out the E shapes and love being part of it.

    2. I really dislike pranks that involve real people (like the twins example or people who joke about being pregnant or getting engaged).

      A friend fooled her kids saying there were brownies in the oven and the pan had cutouts of E’s in brown paper.

    3. Have you seen the ‘come quick, the water is running!!’ prank? You tell MIL ‘come upstairs quickly, the water is running out of the bathroom!!’ She comes upstairs and sees a bunch of bottles of water in a line ‘running’ out of the bathroom.

    4. Pregnancy pranks are so tacky.
      Tell her you’re under a boil-water advisory due to dihydrogen monoxide, or that you bought her a new diamond pin where she opens the box and finds a dime and pin.

    5. Can you get a recording of archive footage of their local weather channel for a snowstorm? Put it on a DVD, pop it in the DVD player when they aren’t looking, and just wait for them to walk in. Start getting “very concerned” about the 2 feet of incoming snow. Send them to the grocery store to stock up on supplies. Get on the phone with your airline or boss about rescheduling the flights or working remotely.

    6. Do you have a bakery by you? You could get a custom birthday cake with the message “The Best Grandparents Are Born April 8!” Then make a big fuss about being so sorry that the bakery messed it up before magically turning the 8 into a 3. You could either have the bakery slip a piece of plastic film under the left part of the 8, then lift up, or maybe use something like these and just bring out the ‘3’ to replace the ‘8’: https://www.etsy.com/listing/1493420147/numbers-toppers-plain-number-cake?click_key=de13ee7e395c8b56669af4670715c246d47247f3%3A1493420147&click_sum=a0d7659d&ref=shop_home_active_15&pro=1
      I would practice whichever method beforehand, but I think you could pull it off.

    7. Pranks about people being pregnant are the worst and so are the people who do them.

      1. Thanks all for the ideas! I guess just to defend MIL a bit, the cousin was already pregnant, so it didn’t seem so awful.

      2. I have a high tolerance for pranking and have pulled some rather epic pranks on other people.

        Even I do not get anywhere near that line. I might actually choose to be disemboweled than participate in a pregnancy prank.

    8. Wouldn’t work for a MIL but my friend, who has 3 girls and the 3rd was unplanned (but now 6 and very loved!), told her husband she was pregnant on April fools. He’d had a vasectomy. He freaked out like you wouldn’t believe, and then she told him, and he vowed to get her one day. That was 4 years ago and I feel like the revenge prank is coming soon.

    9. Gift box with make your own bear spray kit? Wrap some Haribo gummy bears, spray bottle and immersion blender (wrap their own, from their kitchen).

    10. Put giant googly eyes on all their bushes after dark, stand nervously at the window in the morning and tell her you feel like someone is watching you?

  24. Anyone who could provide a review on Ayr jeans? I’m 5’1”, usually a 23P or 24P in denim. Preference is for mid rise since I have narrow hips and a mama belly. I see they have the Pop jeans in a short inseam and was thinking of trying it, but it’s 2X what I’d like spend and I’ve struck out with Madewell, Gap, BR and J Crew lately.

    1. I just bought two Ayr Pop jeans on recommendations from here, and I love them. Super comfortable, and seem to be of good quality. They’ve quickly become my go to jeans. I’m 5’7″ and wear the regular inseam. Next time they have a sale I’ll buy more, as I can wear jeans to work and these are perfect work jeans.

      1. Which color did you buy? How often and by how much do they usually go on sale for?

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