Coffee Break: Cat-Eye Acetate Gold-Tone Sunglasses

Cat-eye acetate and gold-tone sunglassesThese lovely cat-eye, purplish sunglasses from Tom Ford are great for springtime because they’re a little lighter at the bottom and they’re not your typical black or dark brown glasses — they have a little spring-y pastel. They’d be nice for dealing with those gray spring days that have a little bit of a sun but aren’t too bright. I think the cat eye here is amazing (and I like the gold-tone arms as well), but unfortunately you’re going to pay for that, as these are $405 at Net-a-Porter. Still, I think they’re great if you’re on the hunt! Cat-Eye Acetate and Gold-Tone Sunglasses

Two more affordable options are here (4 color options) and here (12 color options!).

This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!  


  1. [email protected] these are cool shades

    • BabyAssociate :

      Agreed, definitely a fan!

    • Senior Attorney :

      Fun fact: Tom Ford’s mom is a member of my book club! She’s darling!

      • So…can she hook us all up?

        These are fantastic. Most of my sunglasses are under $30 but I’d go higher for these. Just not $400 higher.

      • Sydney Bristow paging PCOS anon from this morning :

        Fun! I was so looking forward to meeting him during Fashion’s Night Out a few years ago and got to the front of the line only to have a bunch of kids cut in line and then he ran out of time and had to leave. I’m still annoyed by it.

        I have Tom Ford glasses right now. A male coworker complimented me on them once and actually asked if they were Tom Ford, which completely shocked me because the name wasn’t visible.

        • Old Monday :

          I know someone who worked with Tom Ford for a season. Unfortunately the report is that he was rude and entitled. I’m sure his mom is not to blame though!

          • Sydney Bristow :

            This is one of the reasons that I’m usually reluctant to meet famous people that I admire!

          • Senior Attorney :

            Oh, dear. His mama is a lovely Southern lady and I’m sure she would be mortified!

          • Monday – can we call you OG Monday ?

  2. What traits of your SO would you have previously considered to be dealbreakers but actually turned out to not be big deals at all?

    • Sorry, but none. However, I’m in my late 30s, so very aware of what I want/need, and my dealbreakers list was formed based on prior relationships. I’ve known people who felt that not having a college education was a dealbreaker end up very happily with someone less educated, but that’s about it.

      • Agreed. I scoped out Sheketovits as a looser early on, but I was DESPERETE for a boyfriend b/c all my freinds had boyfreinds and I did not. He was a bit of a lush, and a ladies man (in his eyes), even though he had bad breathe. I was willing to overlook this, but once he started with the vomitting on the bed and peeing on the toilet floor, I got tired REAL Fast. FOOEY when you need to go and sit in a puddle of pee! DOUBEL FOOEY! So I said NO MORE and got rid of him, and I have not looked back since. YAY!!!!

      • Sydney Bristow :

        Same here. Short list that I was really clear on based on what I knew that I needed.

    • Not being ‘cool’? My bf is nerdy and I had to help improve his wardrobe a bit. I guess that wasn’t really a “dealbreaker” but I did thing it was very important until I realized it wasn’t.

    • Senior Attorney :

      Only that he violates my half-in-jest “no lawyers” rule.

      Other than that I’m with AZCPA. My dealbreakers list is short and based on experience and not negotiable.

    • Marshmallow :

      Back in high school, my husband had a preoccupation with tricking out his junker of a car. Underbody lights, PA system, the whole nine. I was so embarrassed. Fortunately he grew out of it… now he has our apartment tricked out with Hue lights and an Echo. What can ya do?

    • Anonymous :

      Not being a reader. I used to think I wouldn’t go out with a guy who didn’t read books for fun, but my husband doesn’t. He’s brilliant and very successful in his chosen field and he always got very good grades even in English classes, but reading is a struggle for him and it’s not something he does except when he has to for school or work. His father has the same problem reading, so I think it is some genetic thing, not an issue of how he was taught to read (it’s not dyslexia, because he’s been tested for that, but something along those lines). If I’m being honest, I do think about our kids inheriting his reading problems and that makes me sad, because my childhood would have been so different without books. But he’s a wonderful person and partner and I know he’ll be an amazing father so I can’t imagine ending the relationship over it.

      • Senior Attorney :

        Okay, I’ll cop to that one. Lovely Husband reads a few books a year, but he isn’t the voracious reader I always thought I’d end up with. We talked about it recently and his response was “If I’ve got some free time, I’d rather go out and ride my bike or do a project on the house than sit and read a book.” I can’t argue with that logic even a little!

      • I was going to say none, but actually, this one applies to me too. SO reads maybe a handful of books a year at most, to my a couple dozen.

        I realized though that I was thinking of being an avid reader as a signal for someone who was smart, basically, and I don’t think it is as strong of a signal as I used to think. SO is one of the smartest people I know. He’s just not that into reading. I wouldn’t be interested in someone who I didn’t think was smart; that dealbreaker hasn’t changed and won’t. But he doesn’t have to be a huge book nerd the way I am.

        • Senior Attorney :

          Same here, Torin. I just assumed “smart” = “reads a ton of books” and that turned out not to be true. Who knew?

      • Yes! This. Books are my life. Reading is everything to me. I never thought I would date a man who didn’t feel the same, yet I married a man who doesn’t read books at all! I thought it would be a huge problem, a way we couldn’t connect, but in fact, it’s the complete opposite. When I’m buzzing about a great book I’ve just read- he asks me to tell him the entire plot. And then he really listens, and actually gets into it! (We have a long commute together.) We’ll debate the themes, so it feels like he read it. I realized that he actually really loves narrative, just not reading.

      • Anonymous :

        +1 to being a reader. I will admit that I actually mentally recategorized my now-husband into dateworthy because he lied (I didn’t know it was a lie at the time) about actually reading American Psycho, not just watching the movie.

        He’s smart in a lot of other ways, but he doesn’t have the attention span to sit and read. Good thing I didn’t figure that out until I liked him for other reasons.

    • Blonde Lawyer :

      He’s not into winter sports. I was a big time skier in college. He would come on our trips and keep the fire going in the condo, make us all lunch, pick up the people that got injured, have beers waiting when the lift closed, coffee going in the AM. He could have fun on ski trips even though he wasn’t going to ski. He tried once or twice for me but they were epic disasters. He broke a pole attempting to cross country ski! Now that I’m a busy attorney, my life doesn’t revolve around skiing like it used to. I’m sure I’d make it a higher priority if he was into it too but that’s okay. He’d still be happy to take a ski trip if I wanted us to do it. He just wouldn’t ski.

    • He refused to eat vegetables. This was a big concern for me in the early days of our relationship!

      He has grown out of it thank goodness!

    • Rainbow Hair :

      Yeah, I thought that being “smart” in the same way as me was crucial, but I am glad I am with someone who is smart in a complimentary way instead.

    • Not dealbreakers but both of my most recent relationships had things that would have been swipe-left turnoffs if I’d seen them online but weren’t really an issue when you otherwise like the person:

      – tattoos
      -love sports that I really dislike

      Agree with the other posters that I think you know your “dealbreakers” and they really are.

      • I was talking about this with a guy I had one (and just one) date with. He said he’d learned that vegetarian and don’t drink were two of his dealbreakers, because he didn’t know how those things would fit into his life. I am an omnivore who drinks socially, so that wasn’t why we didn’t go out again. But it was interesting to hear a guy’s perspective on this, especially since I think it’s usually women who are accused of having “superficial” dealbreakers. (And I too probably would have swiped left on a vegetarian on a profile, since I’m not, although I think I would have put that in the category of “things that don’t really matter if you otherwise like the person”).

    • Totally superficial, but, bad teeth!

      Not totally superficial: he had a kid already.

      Very glad I didn’t break the deal over either.

    • I never thought I’d be okay with someone who isn’t much of a feelings-talker (like, at all). I realized it doesn’t really bother me though. I’m able to read him really well and we’ve developed kind of a shorthand communication style. And he actually finds all of my feelings to be charming (I have a lot of feelings). But “talking it out” will never be something we do. If one of us has an issue, it’s raised and discussed to get to a resolution (or at least to a point we can both live with) and then it’s dropped.

      I also realized that I have other love languages that are much more important to me than “words of affirmation.” And I’ve figured out how to ask for the words when I really want them, and he is happy to give them to me.

    • Anonymous :

      I never would have dated my now husband if I’d known how old he was. He’s 11 years older than me. (We both thought the age difference was ~5 yrs, which was pushing my comfort zone). Thankfully, I didn’t know until the end of the first date – after I knew I already wanted a second ;)

  3. Anxiety Anon :

    Looking for some advice about some very specific anxiety I’m having. A couple of years ago I was having anxiety and my doctor prescribed what she calls a “baby dose” of citalopram. Since then I’ve discovered that my anxiety is super specific – I get anxious about travel, but only when it’s traveling and staying at someone’s home or sharing space wth people other than my husband / parents / sisters.

    I cancelled a trip to visit a friend in another city at the last minute a few months ago, so my doctor prescribed me a low dose of lorazepam to take next time that happens.

    I’ve now been invited on a weekend trip with a group of my oldest friends, and I’m already having anxiety about it! Full of dread, and if I start to think about it too much I get an upset stomach and a little shaky. Then I get upset because rationally I know it makes no sense and I hate feeling this way. It seems too early to take the lorazepam, and I can’t imagine dreading this trip for the next 4 months.

    I think the anxiety is tied to a fear of not feeling well on the trip and not being fun and people being disappointed in me for not being fun. also about not feeling well in a shared space (either having a headache or an upset stomach or not being able to sleep while sharing a room and bathroom). Then I end up feeling sick because of the anxiety! I didn’t used to be this way – in college I was the life of the party and took tons of trips. Seems to have developed around age 25.

    Does anyone else have experience with such specific anxiety? Trying to figure out if this can be solved by meds / talking to someone. Reaching out to my PCP today but looking for some anecdotal experiences. Thanks all.

    • Senior Attorney :

      Definitely talk to someone.

      And as a workaround, would it help to get your own hotel room and just laugh and say “I love you girl but I need my space!” I would totally do that — I love my friends but I don’t like to sleep with anybody but my husband, and I need a little alone time, or at least the option for a little alone time.

      • +1 Handle the circumstances and situation so that they don’t cause anxiety (or at least not to this level), and then you won’t need to medicate yourself. Book a hotel room, or an AirBnB, and join the festivities! This is the best kind of self-care: knowing your needs and taking action. It would be different if your need was something that impacted your ability to function, like “I can’t ever talk on the telephone to anyone for any reason”, but it seems like not staying in someone else’s house is something that you can accomodate while living a full and fulfilling life.

      • Anxiety Anon :

        That’s definitely my workaround going forward! For this upcoming trip the area is a little more remote so there’s not a nearby hotel and a whole house is being rented. Not sure how to get around that…but I don’t want to miss out on the trip! Rationally I know I’ll go and have fun, it’s the dread and anxiety that’s getting in the way now. Ugh.

        • Senior Attorney :

          On the other hand, I think it’s not unreasonable to say “Nope. Turns out I’ve gotten all anti-social and neurotic in my old age and I don’t share rooms. Have a great time and I’ll catch you next time when you decide to go somewhere civilized!”

    • Anonymous :

      I’m going to push you a bit on your anxiety being super specific. It’s really common for anxiety to initially present in really limited circumstances and once those circumstances “resolve” (trip happens, you cancel, etc.) the anxiety trigger just transfers to another situation.

      Also, what’s being recommended is tantamount to avoidance behaviors, which tend to increase anxiety.

      Instead, I’d recommend you spend some time, either alone or with a therapist, really exploring what the anxiety is about. $5 says that your current trigger is not about travel, but about it triggering some unexplored feelings right now about these friendships. When you avoid the situation or just take meds, you don’t figure out it and it will pop up again. (it probably will anyway, but at least it won’t be incapacitating. It just becomes a little signal to take better care of your emotions).

      Signed, lifelong anxiety disorder sufferer who can make the anxiety go away with a lot of work and acceptance of my feelings

      • Anonymous :


        The anxiety is your body/mind telling you you need to deal with something. It is your invitation to figure out what you need to address.

        When this happens to me, I remind myself over and over that there is no harm coming to me and mind-over-matter.

      • Anxiety Anon :

        This is very interesting – thank you. I’ve always been uncomfortable with the idea that I have anxiety in general and it’s possible that I’m convincing myself it’s situation specific as a coping mechanism. I just reached out to my doctor to ask for a referral to speak with someone. You’ve given me something to think about.

      • Anonymous :

        Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. My kid has anxiety and it has been remarkably eye-opening for me to work with him and his (amazing) therapist on this. His specific problem is a needle phobia, but he has moderate anxiety in lots of situations so the tools he is learning in therapy will, I hope, serve him for his whole life when he experiences anxiety. It turns out that my whole childhood would have been different, and big chunks of my adulthood, if I’d had this kind of help at his age. Who knew?

        I love his therapist so much that I’d see her myself if she worked with adults. Instead I had her recommend someone for me, since my little apple did not fall so very far from the tree. My first appointment is next month, but I am really optimistic that it will be useful for me.

        • Anxiety Anon :

          I specifically asked my PCP for a CBT rec, so hopefully that will help! Thank you for sharing

    • I get stressed out at the thought of travel, but it doesn’t hit me until I start packing for the trip. Some of the things I say to myself to get me through:

      * I am not going to the North Forty. As long as I have my phone and spare glasses I will be OK.
      * Think how much better you will feel when you arrive and can hug [insert old friend here] and remember how much you can revel in [whatever it is about them that you miss. Like, my friend makes the best crepes.]
      * If I get stuck on the road in a situation I can get caught up on my reading.
      * If I get stuck on the tarmac for 3 hours with no bathroom I can sue and buy a retirement home. Just zone out and concentrate on the [feature of home that appeals to you.]

      …and others.

    • Blonde Lawyer :

      I’ve successfully used hypnosis for situational anxiety – most recently, flying. I had to drive upon landing so I didn’t want to take my trusty xanax.

    • Both travel (esp. flying) and your social situation stress me out. I have a fairly mild form of social anxiety and I take a daily med for it. My social anxiety usually manifests itself in work conflicts, which thankfully are rare in my current job.

      But you might want to look into this as a possible diagnosis.

    • You’re not alone! This gives me the most intense anxiety too! I’ve learned that, when it’s with people I am closest to, I tell them about it and set up a code in case I need some solo time. Often, knowing I have the option stops the anxiety and sometimes I don’t even use the code. For people I don’t know well, I plan for something like “no you guys go ‘head, I think I ate something that’s making my stomach flip flop and I’m going to stay in” where it’s not my fault it happened, no one wants details, and I can use it for a few days as needed.

      • Anxiety Anon :

        This makes me feel better – knowing I’m not the only one! Although I’m sorry you go through this too. I tend to do the same thing – preface it by saying I haven’t been feeling well so that I have an out. I think what’s been bothering me more this time is the anxiety leading up to it. Some of it is a vicious cycle – I get anxious about not feeling well on the trip, which then makes me not feel well. It’s like I have anxiety about having anxiety.

    • Let go of the fact that it’s not rational. Anxiety is by its nature irrational. I recognize that the thoughts that spin through my brain are not rational but still need meds to make them stop. Consider starting a low dose of meds now.

  4. Anonymous :

    Ladies – looking for help bouncing back after an emotional affair.

    I found out my husband essentially had an emotional affair for about a year plus with a younger female coworker. He has since told me that he stopped the friendship a couple months ago on his own after realizing it was inappropriate and a threat to our marriage. He has told me that he is fully committed to our marriage (10 yr no children yet) and I believe him. Before I knew any of this I noticed a real change in his behavior and engagement with me beginning around the time he has said he stopped the friendship with this woman. I also believe him when he says it was never physical. We were going through a tough patch, lots of stupid arguments, etc. and it seems he just got into a too close relationship with this woman.

    He promises me it’s over and he cut ties with her personally as well as professionally after she was transferred within the company. He has been amazing since telling me all of this but l still don’t know how to move past it. I love him so much and want to make this work more than anything. But I also need to make sure I deal with my feelings and not have this fester and blow up in the future.

    Any ideas coping with this ladies? Any thoughts on how I can move past and what I need from him in order to do so? Thanks

    • I know it gets suggested a lot here, but I really think talking and working through this with a therapist is your best bet.

      • Anonymous :

        Thanks appeciate that. I figured that’s the next step, but what is stopping me is this feeling I first need to figure out what I want from him going forward, how I want him to prove his commitment. I guess a therapist could help me with that.

    • BeenThatGuy :

      I have nothing to offer but internet hugs from a stranger. You have a long road ahead of you. But everything is fixable. Good luck!

    • Anonymous :

      Not condoning an emotional affair, but I think this is far from a worst case scenario and I think it says positive things about him and his commitment to your marriage that it didn’t get physical and he stopped it of his own accord.

      I’d probably want to know all the gory details and see any written communication between them that still exists. I’m not sure that’s necessarily something a therapist would consider healthy, but I think it would help me move past it to know all the details and (if applicable) to see objective evidence that corroborates his story that it wasn’t physical.

      • Anonymous :

        How did you find out? If he disclosed it, I agree with the comment above; if you did, then, less impressive and I’d be a little careful that more information doesn’t trickle out over time.

      • This is fairly person-specific, though – I’m the kind of person that if I read those things, I’d never be able to forget them or let them go. I think you have to know yourself – are you a person where more information helps, or are you a person for whom more information becomes the knife you use to wound yourself?

    • Anonymous in Texas :

      I think the fact that he told you about it is a big deal. He certainly didn’t have to, but it sounds like he didn’t want to keep this secret from you. One thing I will warn you about is to try your very best not to be mad at him and throw it in his face in the heat of an argument. Because that will turn him away from you. He’ll think to himself “why did I tell her if she’s just going to be mad at me and throw it in my face?” I would think the focus of any therapy would be why it happened, why did he turn to this other woman instead of you. I don’t know how much therapy you’d need to help you deal with it because I think you just have to decide to forgive and move past it. You’ll never forget, but you can forgive and agree to never bring it up again. This happened to me and I spent years in therapy trying to find a way to forget about it or cope with it and nothing helped. Then one day, I just woke up and decided I was done talking about it and was going to put it behind me. Once I made that decision, things got so much better. Just my humble opinion.

    • Anon for this :

      Emotional affairs are kind of a new concept too. Not that they didn’t happen before but they didn’t get the “affair” label before. I get kind of hung up on that word. My husband once suggested a friendship of mine might be moving too far into the emotional affair category. I thought about it and decided to pull back on the friendship. Neither of us treated it as an “affair” or felt that person could not be involved in our lives. I guess it is more what all this entailed for him. It might mean nothing is wrong with your relationship at all. Your husband has male friends and female friends. He is a human and still gets attracted to people. He realized that he’d been spending too much time and emotional energy on a female friend and decided to reel it in. He might be being too hard on himself even calling it an emotional affair. Instead of viewing it as an affair could you view his actions as cheating prevention? He doesn’t want to be a cheater, he realized he was on a dangerous path that could end up physical and he ditched it. Gold star.

      • Yes, this. The word “affair” here is such a loaded term. Like, to me the only thing that truly counts as an emotional affair is if the two people are talking about s*x and how badly they want to have LGPs with each other. Short of that, it’s an inappropriate-but-possibly-dangerous-too-close-friendship, not an “affair.”

  5. SF in House :

    I’m in love with this dress, but would prefer to spend less than $200. Can anyone find something comparable? Rent the Runway has it in grey, which isn’t as good a color for me. I’m not even sure where I would wear it, but it is gorgeous!

    • I’m fascinated by that dress! I love it, too. Could you wear it out to dinner or cocktails? I think I would also wear it to a wedding reception.

      • If you are crafty at all, you could buy a sheath dress in a solid color that looked fantastic and then buy some fabric and cut it in a ruffle (this is a circle ruffle draped over the shoulder).

        The fabric could be a sheer lace, net, something contrasting or a print, etc.

    • PrettyPrimadonna :

      Those boots. Whoa!

    • Sloan Sabbith :

      The styling is HIDEOUS, but I love the dress!

    • I don’t know how to feel about this dress…I’m going between I LOVE IT and it’s too much ruffle maybe? Maybe with a smaller ruffle? I’m kind of tempted to make it because as said about, it would be a pretty simple to do…hmm…

  6. Anyone moved-in with a significant other into the significant other’s house? Struggling with feeling like the house I share with FI is my home and not just his home.

    • No, but my SO moved into mine. I mean, it is my house and not his, in the sense that I’m financially responsible for it and he’s not. So I think it makes sense for me to be mostly in control of the space and I’m not going to repaint the bedroom just because the walls aren’t his favorite color (to be clear, he didn’t ask me to repaint, but he did say he doesn’t like the color that much).

      What I did was I put out pictures of the two of us, of him individually, we found space on the walls for some artwork of his and I put his marathon medals on a display rack. He also set up a home-office in what was a second bedroom, and I let him hang shelves and do a number of other things to set it up the way he wanted. Have you done anything like that?

    • Senior Attorney :

      Yes. When we got married I moved into Lovely Husband’s house even though I had barely finished remodeling and decorating my own beautiful house. It just made sense because his house is twice as big and pretty much just… better in every way.

      One thing that really helped is that he turned over the spare bedroom to me and let me make it into my “woman cave” (dressing room/closet/office) exactly as I wanted it. And next up we are remodeling the third bathroom into the Lady’s Room, as it were. And he’s been great about things like making a changes in the master bedroom including a gallery wall of my art. And I loved the fire pit and fountain in my back yard so he moved the fountain from my house to his and built me a fire pit. He’d be willing to make more changes but the house was pretty great already so I haven’t felt the need to overhaul it all that much.

      And even with all that, I sometimes miss my perfect little jewel box of a Girl House. I think that’s just the tradeoff for living with somebody.

      Bottom line, though, is the cure for the His House Blues is getting in there and making it your own.

      • Senior Attorney :

        Also? There’s nothing like your name on the deed to make it feel like home! ;)

        • Anonymous :

          This isn’t a great suggestion for someone who’s just moving in with her SO. If a woman came here and said, “BF and I decided to move in together but he says the house won’t feel like his unless I put his name on the deed, what should I do?” we’d all be like, girl run.

          • Senior Attorney :

            That’s certainly true. Hence the ;)

          • Anonymous :

            I think she was saying that eventually your name will be on the deed and then it will REALLY feel like home. Not that you should move in with someone and immediately ask them to change the deed.

        • Senior Attorney :

          Yes. Thank you.

          Good grief, people.

      • That does sound like the solution to the blues. I’m a getting a little push-back on some changes that I want to make. Did you talk about your needs first or is your lovely husband just wonderful and think of it on his own?

        • What changes do you want to make?

        • Senior Attorney :

          We actually negotiated it as part of the decision to get married. The whole house had been remodeled/redecorated fairly recently, except the third bedroom and third bathroom. I told him I was laying claim to those rooms and that was fine with him. Also it super helps that we have similar taste. The fountain/fire pit thing was a mutual thing. I originally asked him to change out the furnishings in the guest bedroom with the furnishings in the master bedroom from my house and he agreed, but that became moot after I rented out my house furnished.

          Short answer: We talk and talk about everything. And he is a man of goodwill, which is essential in this as in everything.

        • Sydney Bristow :

          The only real fight that my husband and I have ever had was about redecorating, even though he was totally on board with making changes. We learned that we weren’t speaking the same language on that topic and seeing things from completely different perspectives.

          This is going to sound ridiculous but the fight was about curtains. We only had blinds in the windows but I’ve always loved long fabric curtains to add texture and warmth to a room. When he hears “curtains” he envisions huge drapes with a valance and tie backs and kept saying that he didn’t want triangle shapes in the room since everything else was rectangular. I think color and pattern and he thinks shapes and material. We just kept talking past each other about it and it turned into a fight. Ultimately though, we both learned something about the other and how we each see things. We both learned how to approach the other about something that may encounter a little resistance at first. This has been totally helpful in our relationship.

          And we got the drapes that I love, which hang straight down (as I had always intended) thereby continuing the rectangular theme.

    • Sydney Bristow :

      It was an apartment, but my now husband insisted that we redecorate some together to make it feel like ours. That really helped.

    • Anonymous :

      My ex and I struggled with this. He moved into my place and he never got over feeling like he didn’t belong. He hated my house for a variety of reasons. It was farther from his work, I share a wall with a neighbor, the garage wasn’t big enough, the list went on and on. I tried to accommodate him; he had an entire bedroom, the finished basement, and half the garage all to himself. I tried to incorporate his stuff into our shared spaces and offered to pick out new stuff with him. I don’t know why he was so unhappy or if I could’ve done more. I think partly he’s very stubborn and very particular. He didn’t like living in my house because he didn’t get to choose the house, furnishings, etc. He never made peace with it. He never accepted that it was temporary.

      So if I can give you advice, I’d say ask for what you need – if there’s a space in the house that you feel isn’t yours then speak up and figure out what you two can do about it. But also accept that this house might always feel a little like it’s his and not 100% “ours” or “yours” and that’s OK. It’s not forever. Eventually you will pick out a home together. If the relationship is otherwise great then don’t let a temporary living situation taint that for you.

      • Senior Attorney :

        At some point you just have to make peace with it. I still tend to say “your house” and LH is always quick to correct me and say “our house,” but really? He’s lived there for 30-plus years and I just got there. He built half of it with his own hands. It is his house in a very meaningful sense. And I love it because he loves it. And I love that he’s sharing it with me. That makes me a whole lot happier than giving in to the wistfulness about my house.

    • Rainbow Hair :

      When my then-bf moved in with me we rearranged all the furniture (it was a studio, so there weren’t a ton of options, but we made it work) and brought in some things of his and got rid of some things of mine. It was important that it really feel like “ours” and changing up the decor helped.

    • My husband moved into my house (I owned, he rented, so it made sense). We did a lot of redecorating to our mutual taste (I joke that it went from looking like the anthro store to restoration hardware) & my old guestroom became his office. I wanted it to feel like his place too & not like he was moving into mine, so we put a lot of effort into this. I’d say talk to your FI about it & the redecorating really helped it feel like a completely new place.

  7. I adopted my pup about a month ago and I’ve been trying everything the internet suggests to get him to stop barking at the people in my apartment complex when we go for a walk. We’re signed up for training classes at the end of the month, but in the meantime every outing is exhausting. I’ve tried distracting him to look away, making him sit and giving him treats, constantly changing up our route to keep his attention. I don’t know my neighbors well enough to get them involved like some of the tips recommend and his eyesight is clearly much better than mine so he often starts barking before I even realize someone is there. Also, he ONLY does this at home. If he’s sees people out running errands or something, no barking. Y’all were right on about treats to keep him busy, so please impart your barking knowledge!

    • A month isn’t that long. Keep at it.

      • Ok! I think I got spoiled that he learned “sit” so quickly and it felt like he’s been barking MORE this week instead of less.

        • I think the getting them to quit barking thing is more complex behavioral change than sit. You’re doing awesome to have trained him to sit so quickly!

    • I don’t have a dog, but a solution my best friend uses is that she trained her dog to bring a stuffed toy on walks. If he barks, he drops the toy and she tells him to pick it back up – redirecting his attention from barking.

      It has also worked out, in that now he brings her the toy when he needs to go out.

      And, it is so cute to see him going on his walk with his little stuffed crocodile.

      I don’t know how much effort it took to teach him the basics of carrying the toy and picking it up when she says to.

      • I tried this with a giant stick, but he had no qualms about ditching it to bark. He does really love his stuffed squirrel though so I’ll definitely give it a shot.

    • Miz Swizz :

      My pup barks at everyone who comes into our house. Sometimes he calms down after a bit and others he warily side-eyes for a while. The best thing you can do is redirect him and try not to reinforce the behavior. I’m sure the training classes will be helpful but in the meantime, try not to pet or comfort him while he’s barking because he will interpret that as you condoning the behavior.

    • My dog (now 3 years old) had the same problem and it was driving us crazy. We felt like we couldn’t even take him on a walk because he would bark at every car, person, or other dog. We tried everything to no avail. A friend told me about a bark collar that sprays a little bit of citronella when the dog barks. Apparently, dogs don’t like that smell. I put it on him and after wearing it only a few times he realized what was going to happen if he barked and he just stopped. It was amazing and we don’t even need to put the collar on him anymore. I highly recommend. I’d also keep trying to train him, but if you’re like me we had no luck getting him to stop without this type of intervention.

      • Here is a link to the collar:

      • Yes, this worked really well for our dog too, even after the batteries ran out. I’d say “quiet or I’m going to get the bark collar” and she’d stop barking (well, usually). I thought no they get into a sort of instinctive protect/defend mode and the spray just sort of distracts them enough to get them out of it, back into obey commands mode.

    • anon a mouse :

      We trained our dog to not bark when people walked past our yard. It took A LOT of effort and was not easy. Our dog was food motivated which made it easier. The key is to reward not-barking. Have you tried clicker-training? That helped a lot. Basically at first, every 2-3 seconds without a bark, click. Slowly work up to 5 seconds, 10 seconds, click. Randomly give treats with the clicks so the dog knows it’s praise. Work up to longer bits of time. The dog will understand.

      Eventually we got to a point where our dog would see someone walk by, not bark, and then look at us to be praised for not barking. It was hilarious, but also glorious.

    • Anonymous :

      It sounds like your dog might benefit from clicker training. It uses operant conditioning to reinforce certain behaviors. If used correctly, it becomes a very powerful tool, in a good way! Clicker training allows you to be very specific about the exact behavior you are wanting – in your case, the split second your pup is not barking and/or is looking at you. Capturing that exact moment is really difficult with words and treats, where a clicker can be very clear to the dog that you are, at those times, rewarding silence. With poorly timed rewards/reinforcement, it’s possible that it’s hard for your pup to know what you are wanting.
      One of the best resources is Karen Pryor. Her website has a huge number of resources, training ideas, and is almost guaranteed to have an article or six on your issue, since it’s so common.

    • It sounds like your dog is in guard dog mode around your house. My dog is pretty similar and all I can say is keep it up and it will get better. It can be a complex issue and be very careful that you aren’t inadvertently rewarding the barking.

  8. Anonymous :

    Can anyone share what it’s like starting in AA for the first time? My best guy friend has just started attending 2 months ago after another blow-up with a family member about his drinking after work. His psychologist doesn’t think he’s an alcoholic per se – that some pretty sad life circumstances he can’t exit right now are leading to the increased drinking – but my friend is pleased to have some support to stop drinking and appreciates the fellowship. I’m feeling a little. . . displaced and wonder how close friendships change in the context of AA/not drinking.

    • Anonymous :

      P.S. – I know this sounds selfish and I realize that starting AA is inherently about focusing on yourself. . . that’s why I’m asking here instead of asking him about this.

    • It’s super all consuming for the first 3-6 months. Several of my friendships definitely struggled, and I lost one friend who didn’t understand why I left a group social engagement to help someone who had fallen off the wagon and called me for help getting to the hospital. Don’t position yourself as anti- AA. You might be able to go to an open meeting with him to show your support, and I’d encourage you to start thinking about the role drinking played in your friendship and its cadence. It took a few friends and I a while to find a new thing to do together, but we did.

      • Anonymous :

        Thanks, I have spent some time thinking about this. We have a pretty close relationship without there being alcohol involved – he’s unusually communicative for a guy – but sometimes inappropriate things happened between us because of his drinking or when we both drank together. I was aware he was probably drinking for some of that but did not appreciate the full extent of it (and maybe I still don’t).

        Is there any chance of saving this friendship?

        • Anonymous :

          ETA: My question is a little dramatic. But he’s important to me and I am nervous about losing him, even as I know AA and/or not drinking are the right choices. I am not a big drinker and could give it up entirely, so no issues with suggesting alternative activities from my side.

    • Accept that no matter how close you are to your friend, you do not know everything about his drinking habits. Problem drinkers are very good at hiding it. Your role now is to be supportive of whatever steps he’s taking to get the help he feels he needs. Suggest activities that aren’t drinking-centered. So, dinner instead of happy hour, or going for a hike instead of to a beer garden.

      I’ve seen friendships ruined because the friend group didn’t take it seriously when someone started AA. There’s a lot of, so-and-so doesn’t have a drinking problem he should still come to the beer festival with us. Idk if this person is part of a group you hang out with, but I’m sure he’d appreciate you having his back if people say things like, you’re not an alcoholic, you can have just one or two, you’re just sad you don’t need therapy, etc.

  9. Sydney Bristow paging PCOS anon from this morning :

    I saw your post too late. I have not been officially diagnosed with PCOS but do have a problem with insulin resistance. I also started with a little over 100 pounds to lose and have lost about 40 pounds over the past 14 months.

    I’ve been seeing a doctor who specializes in weight loss. Her office also has surgeons for people who want to go that route and a team of nutritionists. If you are in NYC, let me know and I’ll give you her name.

    Weight loss is very, very slow for me. It was super slow or non-existent for awhile when I started seeing her before she put me on medication. I started on one called Saxenda. If you look it up, you’ll see that it is something that many people with PCOS are put on for weight loss by their endocrinologists. It is a really new medication that came out of a diabetes medication that people realized had a side effect of weight loss. She also added Metformin several months ago to try and help when I had reached a plateau.

    I see her monthly and we check in on what I’ve been eating and the type of exercise I do. All of that is the most important, but it has been super helpful to me to have a doctor prescribe something to help deal with the insulin resistance issue.

  10. After a breakup over the holidays last year I decided to take myself out of the dating game for a bit. I finally recognized the pattern I have of putting in %100 and the guy barely puts in 50% (me putting in all the effort, thinking bare minimum niceness is amazing etc) and choosing guys with the same emotional issues. While every guy has been better than the previous one, I still feel like a break could be good. Plus I’ve always had dating/finding someone in the forefront of my mind since I was in college with sh**y results. Has anyone ever done something like this before? Letting go and being better for it?

    • Sydney Bristow :

      Yes! I really credit knowing exactly what I wanted in a relationship with my time being single. I was able to really get to know myself and what was important to me and realize that I can be totally self-sufficient and happy alone, which made it easier to express all of that when dating and feel comfortable walking away if it was clear that the other person wasn’t actually what I was looking for.

    • Old Monday :

      Yes, I am currently doing this. I’m about to be officially divorced after my husband left me unilaterally, and I find myself with zero interest in dating or relationships for the first time in my life, ever. It’s actually so great that I’m taking a while to fully realize that living this way is a real option that was available all along. Everything you say about giving more than you get, losing perspective on appropriate expectations, etc. is so much more clear when you feel complete on your own. My pain from the divorce was/is excruciating, but now that I know I can truly ignore men and opt out of relationships for as long as I want, even permanently, it’s such a relief and has freed up so much head space. I feel so much better putting the time and effort into those who have never let me down: my friends, family and cat.

      Caveats: I’m in a position where I can be financially secure indefinitely on my own, and I don’t want kids. (I’m 35.) I recognize that either factor could have made my situation a lot more complex.

      • Sydney Bristow :

        Did I miss why you added “Old” to your username?

        Glad you are doing well with the time alone. Been thinking about you!

        • Old Monday :

          Oh, thank you Sydney. Someone else was posting as Monday a few days ago, so I made myself Old Monday to differentiate. I may be able to go back to being regular Monday though, if she’s dropped the name.

    • BabyAssociate :

      I’ve been in this position for several years. My last serious relationship ended because he wanted to be married and thinking about kids soon-ish and I didn’t think I wanted that….ever.

      I then moved around a for a few years, some moves I knew were temporary, so that was my justification for not seriously dating. Now that I am settled physically and professionally, I am coming to terms with the fact that I don’t need a justification. I am happy with things the way they are.

  11. Wedding guest attire in UK :

    Please help me dress for my SIL’s wedding in UK. She is American but husband to be is English and wedding is destination for brides entire family. Wedding will be at the town hall in big northern England city in mid May, around 4pm. Maybe 100 guests? Couple is late 30s/early 40s.

    Complicating factors:
    – ideally dress would allow me to b-f my infant (so maybe a wrap?)
    – flats or <2in (1.5 preferred) heels (is that even possible with a formal dress?)

    I have found these (links as replies) so far, would they be appropriate?

    – DVF wrap dress with lace in red or black
    – Valentino rock stud knock offs (is the flat OK or do I need the heel?)

    • Wedding guest attire in UK :

      Forgot to add budget: under 300 for dress and around 125 for shoes though I could go higher for both since I have milestone birthday this year so will wear again. On the other hand…I am still losing A LOT of baby weight so investing in these not best idea for long term…then again…I need all the help to feel great at this thing!

    • Wedding guest attire in UK :

      Forgot to add: I am 5 ft tall and hourglass / pear shaped so a-lines fit best.

    • Truly, the most important thing about a British wedding is getting an fancy hat or fascinator. This should be your highest priority because they’re fun to shop for. When my best friend got married to a Brit, the hats were great and I had an absurd blue ostrich fascinator. I’ve lived over there and headwear at weddings is definitely a thing! :)

      • Sydney Bristow :

        Any advice on finding one? I’ve been inspired to get one for a wedding I’m attending this fall after being on a train full of people attending a fancy event with most of the women wearing fascinators. Etsy has been a little overwhelming and I’m not sure what anything would actually look like on me.

      • Wedding guest attire in UK :

        Yes, I was thinking about that!! No idea how to even begin thinking about picking one of those out though!

    • I don’t have any advice, but thank you for reminding me of my friend’s story about going to a British wedding with her husband. She wore normal attire for a US wedding and spent the entire night explaining that no, she was not the singer but simply a guest wearing a cocktail dress.

      • Wedding guest attire in UK :

        Ugh…a little worried about that. I don’t want to stick out at all. Been googling pictures but all that comes up are royal weddings which this is not!

        • If it helps, my friend said that the floral church dresses you see in movies with British weddings are accurate.

    • I would consider pastels.

    • Probably too late but just flipped through my wedding photos – UK, outdoor, not super fancy

      Floral and patterned sheaths and fit and flares
      Lots of dresses with lace or sheer sleeves (but we were outside in October)
      Some dresses with blazers

      I think a lovely wrap dress with some sparkly jewelry would be absolutely fine. Not everyone wears a hat but if you’d like one, you should definitely do it.

      My experience in the north of England is pretty minimal but I suspect you’ll see quite a bit of diversity in terms of style and formality. Depending on the city and demographic, it might be a bit glitzier than you are expecting.

    • A Brit here… I can’t say that I’ve seen anyone other than the mother of the bride/groom wearing a hat, so that might be area-specific (I’m in the South-West). Floral dresses are definitely a thing! Red and black aren’t common colours for spring/summer weddings. Also, Northern England in May is likely to still be a bit chilly!

  12. Going on a couples trip to Tucson. Any recommendations on things to do and restaurants? TIA!

    • Karchner (sp?) Caverns was cool.

    • Arizona-Sonora Desert Museum!

      • This is an absolutely a must-do. I LOVE the Desert Museum so much. You could honestly spend more than one day there.

    • I don’t know why my innocuous comment about the desert museum got send to moderation, but you should google that and go there!

    • We are now a Top 50 Gastronomy city, so tons of great places to eat, plus lots of microbreweries and even a distillery. Its a very casual place, so jeans and a cute top will do at all but the nicest restaurants.

      Where are you staying? If you haven’t decided yet, look at Lodge on the Desert, Hacienda del Sol, Tanque Verde Guest Ranch and the Arizona Inn. All are cool and local, most with amazing restaurants attached.

      Food – brunch at Hacienda del Sol, dinners at Union Public House, North, Vero Amore, El Charro, Wildflower, Cafe Poca Cosa, Maynards. For lunch, Zinburger, Guadalahara Grill, Beyond Bread. Drink at Living Room, Ermanos, Playground.

      It was sunny and 85 degrees today, so plan to go outside! Shop at La Encantada (small luxury shopping center with is outdoor with a gorgeous courtyard), see the animals at the Arizona Sonoran Desert Museum, hike Sabino Canyon.

    • I wrote a huge post that went to moderation, hopefully it will come up soon. I’m a Tucson native, so I know the place well.

  13. Has anyone tried cognitive behavioral therapy? What did you use it for and did it help? Is there a way to learn/apply those techniques without going to a therapist (books or something else) and do you think it would be valuable even without a therapist to guide you?

    • Anonymous :

      What do you want CBT to help with? That will make our answers much more useful.

    • Rainbow Hair :

      Yes, for depression/anxiety. I had a lot of success working through David Burns’ book Feeling Good, though I did it with a therapist. There are some really annoying/dumb seeming worksheets and such he asks you to do, but actually doing them made a big difference for me.

    • I used it for anorexia when I was in college and found it extremely helpful.

      • Sorry, didn’t answer the second part of your question. I used a therapist and don’t think I could have done it without her. Having someone really examine your thought patterns and point out blind spots and thinking errors is invaluable. I think you could do it on your own, but a good therapist will be much much more effective.

    • I used it to treat a specific phobia and also for an anxiety disorder. It was incredibly effective. I was already in recovery from my anorexia when I learned about CBT, but it’s supposed to be incredibly effective.

      You don’t necessarily need a therapist for it depending on what your condition is. I had 1-2 therapist appointments and then used a workbook for my phobia. For my anxiety I needed ongoing therapist care to be able to maximize the benefits.

    • Cbt for depression :

      Please get professional help. You probably don’t realize how badly your feelings are dominating you right now. When I went to CBT I knew I was depressed, but didn’t realize the degree, the self-esteem issues, the patterns. CBT is about disconnecting and controlling your thoughts, feelings and emotions.

  14. Anonymous :

    A friend just announced that her adorable three-month old baby boy was recently diagnosed with cancer. We aren’t close friends – we were more like friendly acquaintances in high school and haven’t communicated beyond the occasional Facebook “like” since then – but man, this is hitting me hard today. A reminder that all my problems are nothing in the big scheme of things…

    • I know how you feel. Was just thinking of writing a “F* the universe” post myself. I am so angry that 3 good friends are each dealing with a major tragedy / illness right now. Last week was one piece of gut-wrenching news after the next. It’s gone beyond empathy to just anger at the arbitrary & unfair way things can work. I know bad things happen to good people all the time but when it’s so close I just want to scream for them (in addition to finding productive ways to help, which are unfortunately limited at present).

    • Anon in NYC :

      Wow. Yeah. I’m so sorry for your friend.

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