Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Charfield Blouse Grey Dotty Viscose

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1. A few years ago my father died from a case of medical malpractice/unethical conduct. We decided not to pursue the case legally because it was just too emotionally painful. It has taken a few years for my mother and I to recover psychologically. We have also moved away from the hospital (elite institution in Baltimore, Maryland) to far away places. Recently, we decided that we needed to at least let the hospital know what the doctor (a medical fellow at the time) did that was unethical, in hopes of preventing something like this from happening to others, not for monetary gain.

   Long story short, we met with the patient relations coordinator, submitted a letter describing what this doctor did to my father that was unethical. I don’t want to go into details, but he did things like putting my father on an experimental chemotherapy (not not clinical trial) while falsely describing the preliminary positive outcomes in another clinical trial, which we latter found out did not apply to patients like him. My father was not in a clinical trial, and there would have been a lot more robust disclosure requirements if he were in one. He also did thing like putting my father on “do not resuscitate” towards the end, when my father reacted badly to the experimental chemotherapy and landed in urgent care. Prior to this, he told us that if my father died in urgent care, then his death would have been from the cancer. If he recovered, then it was the chemo that caused his adverse reaction. After this incident, we requested that he be removed from my father’s care, but it was too late, and my father died an extremely agonizing death while fearing that this doctor was out to get him. Afterwards, I also discovered that another patient’s family had experienced something very similar and left a review describing that experience on a third party doctor review website. But I have no way of finding that person since it was anonymous.

   Anyway, after describing in details the above, including email communications where this doctor admitted that he had misrepresented the nature of the chemo to my father in order to get his consent to be on the chemo, we got a letter from the head of his department basically denying that he did anything wrong. We are very concerned by this response and have decided to send a reply letter rebuking the director’s letter. All we wanted was a letter acknowledging what happened to my father, if true, would be very concerning, and some sort of promise that efforts are taken to prevent the same thing from happening again. Instead, we got a perfunctory letter making light of what happened, basically saying that my father was probably going to die pretty soon regardless of the chemo. Meanwhile, this doctor is now an assistant professor at this elite medical institution, and now specializes in oncology for geriatric patients (which puts a shiver down my back).

   What else can I do at this point? I’m not interested in starting a medical malpractice suit, since the statute of limitation has run probably and it’s just too emotionally painful to relive it. I already posted anonymous reviews online. And I’ve had plenty of therapy about this.

   1. Doctors are licensed — you can talk to the licensing board.

      Hospitals also have to supervise and their accredidation is periodically up for review.

      1. +1

   2. I’m sorry for your loss. But of course a hospital and its doctors can’t send a letter admitting liability. What you wanted – for the doctor to apparently admit that this other doctor committed malpractice – is a pure fantasy that is never going to happen regardless of what the facts are. Since you don’t want to/can’t sue for malpractice, there’s really nothing to do at this point except move on with your lives.

      1. Yes exactly.

      2. +1. I’m sorry for your loss.

      3. Yes, what you wanted (a letter admitting wrongdoing) is absolutely positively never going to happen. They know if they say that, it’s admissible in an eventual lawsuit. Why would they ever, ever admit that? That is 100% against their self interest.

         If you want confirmation the doctor was wrong, report him to the Maryland medical board. You’ll never get what you want from the hospital. Don’t write them another letter. That will go straight to their lawyers who will start mounting their defense before you’ve even spoken to the medical board. Call the medical board and do it today.

   3. Work with an attorney or a specialist to write a letter to the medical licensing board. You will have to pay an attorney, and be very certain that you are not hiring one who is trying to get you to sue (and get associated fees).

      Then drop it.

      1. +1
         and submit similar documentation to the hospital’s accreditation agency (usually Joint Commission but may also be under a regional accreditor).
         Wishing you and your family well. I am so sorry that your father and your family experienced this horrendous treatment.

   4. Nothing. Of course they denied liability, they’re worried about a law suit. And to be blunt, your father was going to die of the cancer soon anyway. That isn’t wrong.

      I fully understand being too overwhelmed to handle this at the time, but now it is too late for the resolution you want. You spoke your truth. That is all you can do.

      1. This is such a rude comment. You have no idea what type of cancer it was or what the prognosis was. Quality of life matters in any case.

         OP, I’m very sorry for your loss.

         1. Adding to this: medical ethics don’t just apply to the young, healthy, or those with a good prognosis. You don’t get to lie to people, experiment on them, or falsify documentation just because someone is sick.

            1. Nope you don’t. But you also aren’t going to get anywhere with this.

      2. “And to be blunt, your father was going to die of the cancer soon anyway. That isn’t wrong.”
         This is beyond blunt. This comment is completely lacking empathy and horrifically insensitive. Be ashamed of yourself.

         1. I’m not. My mom died last year in similar circumstances. It’s important for me to remind myself that she was very sick and would have died soon anyway. It wasn’t my fault for failing to supervise doctors enough or failing to make sure she got perfect care.

            1. So your need to make yourself feel better automatically gives you license to be rude and intentionally cause pain to someone and assume the circumstances of this woman’s father’s death? You’re so selfish.

            2. I think she thought it would help the OP the way it helped her. People work in all sorts of ways, and it’s not an unreasonable thing to think. She might be wrong, but she also may have a better basis for empathizing with OP than others here would who haven’t been through that.

            3. Yes at 1:27, exactly. I found similar advice extremely comforting. I wasn’t trying to be cruel at all. I think a benefit of the Internet is diversity of opinions.

      3. This is extremely unkind and unnecessarily hurtful. It doesn’t matter what your circumstances were, you do not know OP’s circumstances, and you are not in a position to be flippantly telling perfect strangers that their loved ones were going to die anyway. Regardless of how factual you believe it to be, it is not appropriate and is completely dismissive of the larger problem at hand. How you handle the loss of your mother is your own melon to mince, but it does not give you the right to start deciding how others should handle the loss of their loved ones.

         Regardless of OP’s father’s prognosis, even if he was in that state, what the doctor did was completely unethical. Informed consent isn’t just about picking what will most likely keep you alive, it’s about giving patients all relevant information which may impact their decision, and respects their bodily autonomy. Even the terminally ill and/or those with authority to make choices on their behalf have a right to informed consent, which is clearly lacking in this situation. That’s not even scratching the surface of everything this doctor did wrong, or even acknowledging that OP does not appear to be blaming themselves in their post, but that they are primarily concerned for the lives of others (not all of whom “are going to die anyway” despite whatever assumptions you may make about them). I’m sorry for the loss of your mother, but you need to understand that people grieve differently and just because your situation one type, it doesn’t mean that everyone else’s is the same.

   5. I am very sorry for your loss, and for what your father went through, and the grief that I’m sure you’re still experiencing.

      However, what you are looking for isn’t realistic. No hospital or department head is going to say what you wish they’d say. They’re of course going to deny any wrongdoing. If they did anything else, they’d be opened up to a lawsuit. I know you said a suit is not your intention, but they have no way of knowing that, and they’re out to protect themselves.

      You’ve left reviews and you contacted the department head. You’ve done all that you can if you don’t want to pursue a medical malpractice lawsuit. All you can do now is try to move past this and drop the issue.

   6. So sorry this happened. Does anyone here know if you can contact the university to report unethical conduct by a professor?

      1. If he is still an assistant professor (not yet tenured), there is a very small chance that the review committee would think twice before tenuring this guy. It’s not big, but you could do it.

   7. You can file a complaint with the state’s physician licensing board; they likely have contact info/other details on their website. As everyone has said, I wouldn’t expect the hospital to acknowledge any wrong for liability reasons.

   8. I’m really sorry for your experience.

      There’s a theory of risk management that some major hospitals embrace that calls for acknowledging mistakes, so I don’t think it’s absurd to except acknowledgement and contrition. I don’t know if this hospital is on board, but apologies are actually a thing.

      If you need to do more, telling the medical board would be a good step.

      Also, I think it’s ok to accept that you’ve done your part. Maybe something will be placed in the doctor’s file and might change something so this doesn’t happen again.

      1. *expect, not except

   9. OP here. I get that the hospital will not admit liability, but it concerns me that internally, nothing appears to have been done to even investigate this doctor. Clearly, he has been promoted to assistant professorship and is on his way to tenure. It really bothers me that someone this sociopathic is a doctor, at a prestigious institution no less.

      1. They’re also not going to tell you about any investigations they did – it would be privileged.

         1. The fact that he has been continuously promoted but the university tells me that there likely was no investigation at all.

            1. Maybe, maybe not. Maybe they investigated and OP doesn’t have all the facts or only knows part of the story. The way it’s presented here seems pretty blatant but I work in healthcare and every day I encounter situations where patients and families view the story through one lens and are convinced we are behaving abhorrently, but we investigate and learn there’s really more going on than is obvious to them. Ideally somebody would sit down with the patient/family and explain, but unfortunately that doesn’t always happen.

            2. This. I’m both a “professional patient” and in the biotech industry. Doctors are permitted to write prescriptions off-label and use their judgment in how to describe that drug’s use and efficacy with their patients. For instance, in this case, it’s certainly possible that the doctor gave a drug already approved in another oncology indication that is not yet studied in this patient’s indication and sharing information from the trials that did occur. Patients and their families are typically not well-versed in medical-speak and may misinterpret what the doctor is saying. Basically bad communications but not bad medicine if consent was given.

            3. My extended family on my mom’s side are doctors, so trust me when I say I’m not biased against doctors. We as a society place so much inherent trust on doctors that there is already a strong bias against any one who complains. Just look at the flood of cases against Rockefeller University hospital now that the NY Child Victim’s Act was revived. If you read the Debevoise investigation report, it notes that countless internal complaints were filed, and an internal investigation was conducted but did not conclude in any wrongdoing by the doctor. This is despite the flood of evidence showing that the doctor engaged in unethical behavior. The hospital’s staff justified as legitimate medical research at the time.

      2. We all get that, but you can’t do anything more.

      3. What this doctor did would violate the hospital/universities IRB policies for research. I would reach out to that department.

      4. You can try contacting a reporter. I’ve read several stories in the last couple of years about doctors who were allowed to continue practicing (sometimes at the same hospital, sometimes by shuffling around to different places) despite harming patients. If you search on longform.org, you can probably bring up some of the stories I’m referencing. Maybe one of those health reporters would be interested in seeing if your father’s experience is an isolated incident, or part of a pattern.

         1. This is an interesting idea. The Los Angeles Times, for example, brought down a couple of very powerful doctors at the USC Medical School, after their shenanigans had been going on for years. I’d suggest going to the biggest paper that is local to the hospital.

         2. Good point. Clearly the OP is talking about Johns Hopkins, and wasn’t there an article a few years ago about how Hopkins staff left homeless men at the bus stop after they got released from the hospital, in frigid temps during the winter? It caused a huge uproar and prompted the hospital to change, I believe. Might be worth a shot. Also agree with others that hospitals will never admit liability, esp. elite institutions like Hopkins which have their reputation to protect. I’m very sorry for your loss.

            1. Wasn’t that University of Maryland hospital (same city)?

            2. It was UMD.

   10. I’m sorry for your loss. I’ve had issues with receiving poor medical treatment in the past. I suggest sending letters to the medical licencing board that he would be connected with and to the ethics committee, deans office and head of his department at the institution where he teaches. (Don’t cc, otherwise the addressee will take the lead and the cc’ed will file and not investigate). It’s unlikely you’ll get any major response but it will be addressed internally at the least and a note will be made on his record and in the future if similar complaints are made, then there is evidence of a record of behavior.

2. Ugh, I’m having one of those days and it’s not even 8 AM yet. Sometimes I find myself thinking what life would be like if I had no family obligations. I wouldn’t be living in the city I’m in now, I wouldn’t be working in the job I’m in, etc. Does anybody else ever find themselves going down the “what might of been” path? I don’t think it’s healthy for me emotionally but I’m not sure how to get myself out of this frame of mind.

   1. Rather than focusing on the thought pattern (“what would life be like if I didn’t have family obligations???”), attention is needed to what’s causing you to wish that you had a different life. What can you address, solve or change there? What’s going on that’s making you unhappy (or bored or miserable or lonely . . . or whatever it is that you’re feeling)? Can you find new ways to deal with that or address the issue? (Yes, therapy might be involved, or medication for anxiety or depression.)

   2. IDK but I am well aware that my cousin who went to Academically Generous State U and married her high school BF and has been teaching kindergarten since she was 21 and is vested in her pension and lived near both sets of grandparents so never had a daycare bill lives better than I do (biglaw equity partner) in that her life is truly happy and subject to way less stress. Her commute is short. Should anyone get sick, there are plenty of family drivers to go the 45 minutes to the good teaching hosptial (at the med school at her alma mater). She has never had student loans.

      I tell my children: you have choices. All can be good. All can make you happy. Look down your nose at no one. And if your choice does not make you happy and makes you miserable, you can change and have a good life.

      All that said: do not go to law school.

      1. “All that said: do not go to law school.”

         AMEN.

         1. too late :(

            1. Original upthread commenter:

               I say to my children don’t go to law school even though I went and I love what I do (I don’t like the always-on expectation — it is hard to stay on top of the mechanical bull and hard to stay on for years; sometimes I get thrown and I hop back on). But mainly it would financially wreck them unless they are in the very small % who are at the top of their class at a good school and get good jobs and don’t hate them. A law degree that you hate having isn’t worth even getting (like the people I know who used them for 5-10 years and then left to do something completely unrelated). It’s a lot of time and a lot of $ to invest. And you can’t discharge those loans if you hate law (many do, for good reason). And you don’t get that $ back; at best you break even eventually or defer living your life (like: never getting married, never having kids) because of finances vs preferences. I feel like I am the unicorn and to use me as an example is to focus on the best-case-scenario as a likely outcome.

      2. Another point of view – your cousin’s day-to-day sounds like the stuff of nightmares to me. Wrangling with kindergarteners every day on a teacher salary, only gardening with the guy I picked when I was 17, living that close to parents and in laws having never left hometown…it’s just, I would NEVER want that life. Going to law school was the best decision I made, I wouldn’t have the career, income or security I have without it.

         1. A minor point, often overlooked: the cousin has a pension

            1. Not overlooking that, took it into account. Still not worth it to me.

            2. Pension isn’t a guarantee. Many are not sufficiently funded.

            3. Correct, pension is not a guarantee. The actualy cold hard cash I received for selling the equity that boomed that I got as 1/3 of my comp at my tech company, to me, is more secure than a pension. And I got that in-house job with my law degree.

            4. Govt pensions are about as solid as a pension is going to get. Unless you are in Illinois. I don’t get Illinois math.

            5. California and Kentucky also have pension crises. If the money isn’t there, the money isn’t there.

         2. I think being a kindergarten teacher would be kind of fun. Her life sounds nice to me. But I agree about law school. I couldn’t be happier with my decision. Even with the student loans.

         3. Original upthread commenter:

            I can see how this might not be everyone’s cup of tea. OTOH, counsin’s town is a charming waterfront county seat, so not nowheresville, and her husband is charming and her inlaws are awesome. I’d have chosen every single one of them had I had those choices (army brat, so very different early life). Her work schedule is not wholly at odds with parenthood and her summer schedule works out for her family. She has awesome benefits. And interestingly, her 1920s house looks a lot like my house (but for like 1/5th the price). She is winning (I am not losing, but it’s just perspective that she is not from what I call Achievement Culture and yet is happy and successful).

            1. I did okay growing up in Achievement Culture, but MAN do I think about whether there’s a way to try to avoid raising my kids in it.

            2. YES — I ruled out one magnet middle school in my city because success there only looked like one thing (Harvard (it’s sort of weird that no one there mentions Yale or Princeton or Stanford, which IMO is probably that kids/parents are brand-centric in a weird way; I doubt most people went there but don’t doubt that most people have heard of Harvard)). It was “it doesn’t matter what kind of surgeon you are; mommy will still love you.”

               Um, no. My kid doesn’t need this sh*t in her life. Life is hard enough without carrying around the unfulfilled dreams of others.

            3. To some degree, what you’re describing are things that are still in your control. Maybe you cant move to a little seaside village and still be a lawyer, but you could certainly move to a mid-size Midwestern or Southeastern city where you could practice law, make lots of money relative to cost of living, and work more reasonable hours. You could also move to be near family if that’s something you want. I think it’s silly to act like your lives are so different entirely because of choices you made in high school/college.

            4. Yeah, I get it from your perspective. But I just…don’t want any of that. I still don’t want to wrangle 5 year olds for a living. I want luxe international travel, rooftop bars, city living, high rises, high amenity buildings, rooftop bars, DINK, high power careers, week long yoga retreats in Bali, hikes, restaurants and bars that don’t have kids menus, etc. I don’t look down on anyone and I’m happy for everyone to have their own choices but I’m fully aware of what I want what what I don’t want, especially when I see it in action.

            5. Where does she live? I would like to move there. This sounds like the perfect response to the question about where would you retire if you could retire anywhere that came up the other day.

            6. I want to go to a bar with a kids’ menu. Does that exist?!

            7. For geography, not going to completely out the family, but Dawson’s Creek was shot in Wilmington, NC. Near there.

            8. To Anonymous at 10:50 – there’s tons of them in Brooklyn!

            9. If she’s in NC, her benefits may be decent, but her pay is probably not. Our teachers seem to be in a constant fight with the legislature over pay.

         4. My husband is a high school teacher, and there are a lot of upsides – we’re in NYC, which has a strong union, and his benefits are spectacular: he has a pension (which from my perspective is like having a pet unicorn), and we pay $0 for the entire family to have really good health insurance. He had a stroke last year and was in the hospital/rehab for 2 weeks, which had minimal financial impact due to the insurance. Then he had to take 7 weeks off work and was able to use accrued sick days for all of it. BUT, there are also downsides – he is never ever treated like a professional, despite having a PhD and close to 20 years of teaching experience. His supervisor is a moron who offers sage advice like, “Thanksgiving is a good time to spend time with family.” When he took those 7 weeks off, 2 doctor’s letters weren’t enough proof that it was medically needed; he had to upload a CAT scan (which also means the DOE is paying doctors to read these), and the leave didn’t actually get approved until after he was back at work. It’s a massive bureaucracy. All this to say, there are probably hard parts of your cousin’s life that you can’t see too.

            I do constantly question why we live in such a horribly expensive exhausting place, but I find it easier to justify because I work in theater–it’s not exactly an only in New York job but close–and I also make it a point to schlep to museums, etc. as much as possible.

            1. +1 pension = pet unicorn

               And every time my fancy friends rag on Vegas or touring theatre productions, I point out that this is how actual artists, set designers, costume makers, musicians, singers, actors, and dancers make a good honest living. Like they should just abandon their professions because it not . . . something . . . enough for someone in a high tax bracket?

               Ugh.

            2. On the flip side, I live in Indiana. I’m a high school teacher. I was stuck at a first-year teacher salary for years because of merit-based pay (despite having the top evaluations in my school–I got a couple of hundred dollar stipend for this). Our health insurance benefits are terrible (at one school I worked at, a family plan with a $10,000 deductible cost me $16,000 a year after the school contribution, which was about half my income). I have six figures of student loan debt too and hopefully, the president doesn’t rescind the public service loan forgiveness–so that gives me anxiety. I currently have a Ph.D. that enables me to teach dual-credit courses and I am working on a second Masters’s to get new credentials that my school wants to get. And I get told constantly that my pension will not be enough to live on or might not be there. For that past few years, I’ve worked three different jobs. A good week involves 50 hours of work. So, basically there is a huge range in teacher benefits across the country. I am so glad when I hear about states that treat their teachers decently though! I actually love teaching and I have reasons for staying in it, but it’s not all roses over here either!

            3. Yes K., we are super lucky and grateful for it! I hope your Master’s program works out for you.

            4. Red for Ed, K! We’re with you today and every day!

            5. Yes K, another Indiana reader here wearing red today for our teachers. You deserve to be treated so much better than you are.

         5. But since you’re not the one coming here to post about how unhappy you are, whether or not the cousin’s lifestyle appeals to you is irrelevant. Different things appeal to different people.

            1. I know that… That’s why my original comment said I wanted to offer a different perspective. Nothing about what was described, even when the cousin clarified it with additional details sounds like what I want. That’s the different perspective. The whole point is to figure out what you actually want and go after it. OP is having an issue seeing both side of her life and the “what if” life.

         6. Ditto.

   3. I understand. I definitely go down the “what if” path sometimes. Are there any small changes you can make that would help? Like getting help with cleaning or child care? Long term, is it possible to look for a new job?

   4. I think we’ve all been there. Just remember there are trade offs to everything and you make decisions based on the info you have at the time. Who knows if you would be happier now had you made different choices before? Maybe, maybe not. personally I find a little daydreaming to be therapeutic- imagining myself in a totally different career, living in a different town- Making a little movie for myself in my head as a form of escape. Then when that’s done return to the reality you have and make the best of it. Don’t be recall who said it but there’s that famous quote: life can only be understood backwards but it must be lived forwards.

   5. Can you do small things that you associate with that other “what if” life? Go to a restaurant in the style of that city you don’t live in, get a sitter to go do an indulgent thing or even a networking thing for your next job that is a better fit? Can you sit down and think and hone in on what parts of that “what if” life you are really reaching for and then make some changes to your day-to-day to make room for that?

   6. Life would be lonely without any family. And sad.

      1. It’s not really. You find your people. Not everyone is fortunate enough to have family who is alive and supportive.

         1. +1000

      2. Life would be BETTER without manipulative leech deadbeat family who suck away time and resources, cause health-affecting levels of stress, and give absolutely nothing in return.

         1. this.

      3. Hahahahaha maybe for you, but not for many of us.

   7. When you are thinking of your “what-if” life you are only thinking of the positives. Spend some time thinking about all the negatives of that “what-if” life too.

      1. This.

   8. There seems to be a modern, first-world country attitude of “everything always works out for the best.” It simply isn’t true; some things are genuinely challenging or downright awful. I think the first step is to acknowledge that this isn’t a great situation and is going to be hard.

      Then, make a long-term plan for putting yourself onto a path that you are happy with. Ask yourself what it would take for you to be happy in five years, and then ask yourself what of that is realistic. (For example, if you lost a child, the answer would be “I want my daughter back,” which is both 100% valid and completely impossible.) Keep thinking of different possibilities for what “happy” looks like. Then take that which you can achieve and set out a plan for it.

      I gave up a LOT for my (new – husband, child) family, and it helped so, so much to have a 5-year plan and a contingency plan (i.e. if I still completely hate life here, we’ll look into moving). Just the existence of the contingency plan makes it a lot easier on me, because I don’t feel trapped or like the designated loser in the family.

   9. Is it possible you’re depressed? Because I used to have those thoughts (along with other symptoms of depression) and I finally, after much resistance, went on a low dose of Lexapro and wow, I can’t believe I didn’t go on it earlier. It’s not that I don’t ever have hard days anymore, but I don’t ever wish for a different life anymore, and most days I actually feel very grateful for my life, even with my many family and work responsibilities.

   10. If I’d never married my ex-h (and I considered not marrying him) when I was 26, then maybe I would have met someone else. Maybe I’d be married. Maybe I’d have children by now, and maybe I wouldn’t have spent most of my thirties billing thousands of hours at a biglaw firm, and my stress over client emails and billings and whether I’ll make equity wouldn’t exist. Maybe my life would be better than it is now.

       But I’ve seen the strange glow of a glacier high on a volcano in the highlands of Iceland just after dawn. I’ve hiked through the mountains of Patagonia and the rainforests of Panama. I’ve spent Christmas in Venice. I’ve taken physical risks that you really shouldn’t take if you have a spouse and children who love you. I’m a nationally known expert in my field of law and I get to speak to students about the weird and nonstandard path that took me there. I had time in my mid-thirties to take up an entirely new sport and become really good at it. I have the deep friendships that you can really only form when you have to depend on friends because you *don’t* have the built-in support of a spouse.

       You can’t sail the River of Might Have Been. I think a lot of us carry the fantasy of The Life We Didn’t Live, as if it really exists out there somewhere still. It’s worth reflecting on what those feelings are telling you, but remember that your fantasy unlived life would have had its own sorrows and stresses, and perhaps you wouldn’t have felt so differently than you do now, had you lived it.

       1. cbackson, as always, you put things into words so beautifully.

          1. +1 – I will admit to not being super emotionally resilient this morning, but this made me tear up.

       2. Thank you for this.

       3. “your fantasy unlived life would have had its own sorrows and stresses, and perhaps you wouldn’t have felt so differently than you do now, had you lived it.”

          This is so important. I married younger than I would have thought, had 3 great kids but one of whom has serious medical issues that prevent the kind of travel and the amount of travel I always thought I would do with my kids. The ‘what ifs’ in any situation can really be hard. I’m really wistful sometimes about all the places in the world imagined I would see by the time I was 40 and that now seem so so far away.

       4. I love this.

       5. Brava!

   11. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. What if I hadn’t graduated into a recession? I’m a 2010 law school grad. When I graduated, I was madly in love with a classmate. Long story short, neither of us got a job in our target location, I got a job in a location neither of us really wanted to be in; he didn’t find any job in any location and eventually gave up looking altogether. We each had $200k in student loans. He became increasingly depressed and refused to get treatment. Eventually I asked him to leave. But for the recession we would’ve both gotten jobs in our preferred location and we would’ve gotten married and had kids pretty quickly. I would’ve had a job that paid actual bonuses and gave me raises. We would’ve been able to pay off our student loans. It makes me sick to think about, tbh.

       1. Wait you wish you’d had kids with a guy with severe depression? That is totally illogical. Trust me, you’re much better off alone, even being a single mother by choice if it comes to that. Be grateful that the recession revealed the depths of his illness early enough for you to get out while you weren’t tied to him for life!

          1. I think it’s that a lot of us skate past obstacles we are lucky enough to dodge and we think we have a strong bond with whomever. But if I had a sever car wreck (or my spouse did) where one of us had to life the other and bathe the other and change adult diapers, maybe our bond wouldn’t seem so strong.

             I know that the girlfriend who was my ride or die pretty much dropped me (singleton) as a friend when she got engaged and became a smug married early and would not hang with single people (you bring a different guy every time we go out and it’s getting embarrassing). And she’s not the only major flake — I feel like I get a new flake every 5 years or so but luckily just on the periphery. So I don’t doubt it’s lurking eveywhere, it’s just that we’re not often tested like recessions and financial stress definitely tested some people (my husband’s friend overborrowered for a house pre-crash, it caused a lot of friction in the marriage, they lost the house, the marriage broke up, and he numbed with alcohol and pills and drained all of his $ in the process).

          2. I agree. This is illogical. What if you’d gotten jobs, bonuses, married, had kids early then recession or ANY BAD LUCK THING happens and he completely withdraws due to depression, gets pushed out and you’re left holding the bag taking care of your kids and working to support him while he sits on the couch angry depressed and unemployed? You’d be tied to him!

             1. It’s really not per se unreasonable or illogical to acknowledge that a major economic recession and financial instability can cause depression, and can cause strain on a relationship that otherwise might have survived. I am a 2011 grad and that period of unemployment and financial instability in my life was absolutely god awful. My depression and anxiety was so bad that my entire personal life was essentially put on hold until I got my feet under me. This shouldn’t come as a surprise, but it’s much easier to manage your mental health (including your depression or depression in remission) when you have a stable job and resources to get mental health care. Sure, there’s a possibility that OP’s ex would have suffered a serious bout of depression later on, but you cannot assume it would have played out the same way.

          3. okay woah not every person with depression is a bullet to be dodged!

             1. I never said every person with depression is a bullet to be dodged, you’re really putting words in my mouth there. OP said he said he refused treatment and ultimately she asked him to leave. Given that he did not treat his depression and they ultimately got divorced, it is good they didn’t have kids.

       2. I don’t think you can assume that the demise of this relationship is because you didn’t get perfect jobs in your perfect city. Lots of us graduated law in 2010, none of us got good offers, but lots of people still got married and had kids. Lots of us ended up in random cities doing less than ideal jobs, almost none of us ended up doing what we set out to do before the recession, but the recession is not responsible for your breakup– it sounds like his depression and refusal to treat is responsible for your breakup.

          1. Co-sign as a 2010 law school grad with significant debt who was under/unemployed for 3 years. Yes, the circumstances sucked and I’m sure I would have been more fun to be around if there hadn’t been a recession, but I didn’t fall into severe depression or break up my family. There were underlying problems in your situation, and I think it’s on balance a good thing that you learned about them before conceiving a child, which ties you to someone for life in a way that a marriage certificate does not.

   12. I read a great quote somewhere that everyone has two lives, but they don’t start living the second until they realize there’s only one. Or something like that. I’d consider your funk, figure out if it’s a bad day or more than that. If it’s more, see what you can do to change things.

       1. Yes indeed!

          Signed,

          Senior Attorney 3.0

       2. I love that sentiment. Had never heard it before.

   13. I am a believer in the mantra that you don’t know what goes on behind closed doors, so you can’t compare yourself to what you see of other people’s lives, but I break from the commenters above who would have you imagine all these horrible sides to your cousin’s life. Maybe she has a really happy, great life! Good for her! Now what can you do to improve your life? We all get mired in the reality of now, and change is painful, but if you want to move somewhere with a lower cost of living, look into it. Would you want to work remotely? If you have dependent relatives, can they go with you? If you want to be a teacher, go for it! A friend just did that after a decade as a lawyer. Yes, it’s tough to see younger people making more money at it, but you have to start somewhere, and starting 15 years in the past is not an option for any of us.

   14. Whenever I start ruminating on the what-if path, I go reread Cheryl Strayed’s The Ghost Ship piece.

       https://therumpus.net/2011/04/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-71-the-ghost-ship-that-didnt-carry-us/

       1. A million yeses to that piece.

   15. Reminds me of this really lovely quote by Roger Ebert — “Life’s missed opportunities, at the end, may seem more poignant to us than those we embraced– because in our imagination they have a perfection that reality can never rival.”

       If there is something you want to change, start working on changing it.

       What you’re doing now is making yourself miserable by comparing reality to a f@ntasy.

   16. +1 to commiseration with you. (Does that mean “co-misery”? Hmm…) Maybe we are depressed, as many have suggested above. I highly recommend listening to a recent interview with Simon Sinek, author of “The Infinite Game” on the “Happier with Gretchen Rubin” podcast. He posits that there are “infinite” games and “finite” games. Finite games, like Monopoly, have a clear winner and a clear loser. Infinite games, like careers or life (not Life), do not have winners or losers because there is no end to them. We may be ahead or behind, but who’s to say what that means? We choose it. Which is terrifying to have that level of control over our mindsets and our choices, especially if you grew up in a world where academics told you the “correct” next steps to take. All that to say, I am in co-misery with you.

   17. I think about what might have been if I married an “easier” husband or if I had had an easier childhood. My husband has a complicated backstory (he was a refugee, his family is still in his home country, he has suffered from depression) and it can be so hard at times to picture a stable future when we couple what he has gone through with the losses that I have gone through. We have little family support here and we’ve both faced true losses; I can’t help picturing what it would have been like to marry some all-American football guy with both parents living and a warm house overflowing at Christmas and the like. I don’t know that my husband and I should have kids because of the lack of family support as well as significant health issues/family history.

       However, I think that life is what we make of it and whenever I feel wistful for something I’ve never had, I’m reminded that everyone goes through struggles in some way and that in a way, it’s more miraculous that my husband and I are so close for all that we’ve gone through. We sing silly songs and dance terribly and speak in funny accents and go on wonderful trips and text “can’t wait to see you” every day and we just make it all work. I choose to be happy and to see the best in my life (which is hard for someone like myself who tends to be a cynic) and it helps whenever those feelings of “what could have been” surface.

       1. Ah, the all American football guy with the cozy warm family! We all dream of him. The reality is..those guys might have a lot beneath the surface.

          1. I’m married to the guy you’re both describing! I love him and his family to death but they’ve all got their issues, just like every human being.

       2. I’m the immigrant half who married the dreamboat all American guy, baseball player though, and the family. They still have their issues and my image of what being married into this family was going to be hasn’t really played out, but there’s a lot of beauty in it and I love them, but it’s a 100% the grass is greener where you water it.

3. Has anyone tried a Saatva mattress? I’m looking for a new mattress with at least some green credentials, innerspring design, and ideally order online with a return policy (I need to be able to sleep on it for a while to try it). Tuft and Needle didn’t work and I definitely need something softer and not foam/latex.

   1. I’ve had one for about 18 months and love it! I have the luxury firm but I think there’s a softer model available too. The customer service was great for delivery issues too.

      1. How firm is the firm? Glad you’ve had a good experience!!

         1. The luxury firm is the medium one – they say it’s the one that’s similar to what hotels use to try to accommodate most people. I’m a stomach sleeper and find it’s the right balance of firmness with some plushness on top.

   2. I’ve had a Saatva for a year or two and I like it a lot. Couple of things to note:
      – the luxury firm was too firm for me (I prefer a softer mattress and should’ve known better). I was having some back problems with my old (10+ year) mattress and I thought maybe a soft mattress was to blame; no it was just because I kept the mattress way too long. I have an egg carton-like plush topper for the new mattress and now it’s great.
      – The mattress is pretty thick/high, and I’m very short, so I was concerned I might struggle to climb into bed. I got the shorter box spring to accommodate. I wish I hadn’t – but again this is an “I should’ve known better” thing. My bed has a rail along the bottom that is apparently designed for a normal height box spring. Now, to change my sheets, I have to squeeze my hand between the mattress and rail to reach under the mattress – it’s pretty uncomfortable. Just measure everything carefully (as I should’ve done!).

   3. We’ve had a Saatva for two years now (I think?) and it’s great. I believe we have the luxury firm and it’s just right for me. Highly recommend.

   4. Thanks everyone! Sounds like Saatva is worth a try. FWIW, I think my Tuft and Needle would be great for anyone who likes a firm mattress. I was pleased with their customer service and the quality, but it’s just way too dang firm.

4. Any recommendations for a stand mixer, particularly for breadmaking? My hand-me-down Magimix food processor has been repaired several times and I suspect is on it’s last legs. I was eyeing up a stand mixer but don’t know if there are substantive differences between KitchenAid (very expensive in UK), Kenmore, or Bosch.

   1. Have you looked into getting a refurbished KitchenAid? We got one a few years back and it’s been great. I don’t remember exactly how much it was, but it was less than $200.

   2. I have a Kitchen Aid but i don’t think there’s any special magic in them. MIL is European and her Bosch has been a real workhorse (cakes, cookies, meatballs) but I don’t think she bakes a lot of bread so can’t speak to that specifically.

   3. I dont know much about the other versions you suggested, but I absolutely love my KitchenAid. My parents had one growing up (still going strong after ~20 years) and when I moved out, I thought about buying a cheaper mixer, but I knew I would eventually be upgrading to a KitchenAid anyways so just bit the bullet and bought it.
      You don’t need the giant version or the most expensive, but if you’re looking for it to make bread, I would recommend at least getting one from the Artisan series (as opposed to the Classic/Classic Plus or a mini) bc it has a stronger motor. I just did a quick internet search and it looks like UK prices are similar to US prices. If you wait until a holiday sale, they can often be more fairly priced. Also, there seemed to be some good deals to be had on eBay but I decided I wanted a specific color so bought it at a retail store (though on a great sale–I saved something like $150 or $200 off list price?).
      One other thing to think about is that I like how versatile the KitchenAid is. You can add lots of attachments to do other things besides mixing.

   4. Serious baker here, and have put my KitchenAid through its paces for almost two decades and it’s still going strong. Totally recommend.

      1. It’s worth noting that 2 decades ago KA was still making their mixers with metal gears, which last virtually forever. Now they are made with plastic, and start deteriorating after a few years.

         1. I don’t know what the internal components are like, but I have an Artisan-line KA that I bought about 4 years ago. I use it heavily for bread dough (mostly pizza dough, which I make in 4-pizza batches about twice a month). It’s been a champ, even though kneading the dough definitely puts a strain on it.

            1. Just checked, and I actually have a KA Pro, not the the Artisan. It’s the one with the lift-bowl mechanism.

   5. Just upgraded to the KA Pro Line from the Artisan because the former seemed a little under powered for kneading some breads. It made horrible noises and just sounded and looked sluggish with wheat breads. I suggest researching mixers specifically for bread making because it’s not the same thing as making cookies. I know King Arthur flour carries one that’s supposed to be awesome for bread.

   6. I don’t bake much, but this post might be helpful.

      https://www.melskitchencafe.com/kitchenaid-vs-bosch-stand-mixer/

   7. Curve ball, but I’d get a breadmaker and separate hand mixer. Most bread makers will ping when the dough is done if you want to shape and oven bake it yourself.

      1. I would but I’m a sourdough Baker and reviews are mixed!

         1. I’ve been making the King Arthur no-knead sourdough and haven’t put my mixer to use in a while. That recipe has been bomb-proof for me. I’ve abused it every way I know how and haven’t had a dud yet.

5. Help me make a very “first world problem” decision. BF and I are going to Madrid for New Year’s. We picked a hotel with a rooftop bar/restaurant that overlooks fireworks, with the expectation that we could spend NYE there and not have to brave the weather or crowds (also I can wear cute shoes and pop down to the room if my feet start to hurt). Hotel is nonrefundable. At the time we booked, the restaurant hadn’t announced their menu or pricing for NYE this year; last year it was around 250 Euro pp, which is a stretch but doable. They just announced their package for this year — 400 Euro pp! I’m totally sticker shocked. We could afford it but yikes! That would definitely be the most I’d ever spent (or imagined spending) on an evening for two. Is it crazy to think about spending this kind of money on a party?

   1. Wow, that’s a ton of money. Is there an option to do just drinks there and dinner elsewhere?

      1. Unfortunately no, it’s a package thing.

   2. i personally would not do it, but i am not really a party/scene kind of person, so i honestly don’t think i would’ve done it for 250pp. is this an indoor restaurant/do they have a lot of heat lamps? Madrid can be chilly that time of year.

   3. Wait how did you commit to a nonrefundable price without knowing what it was..?

      1. I think she paid for the room already but not the dinner?

         1. Yeah the hotel room is booked and paid for. Not the dinner.

            1. Did you pay Amex? You could do a chargeback if the hotel won’t budge. Call the hotel and complain (in a respectful way) and see if they’ll do anything. If not, Amex is great about backing the customer.

         2. But then how is it a package? I would keep the room and absolutely refuse to pay 800 euro for any meal ever in my life for any reason.

            1. Omg the dinner is a package- as in its 400 per person all inclusive, they can’t just go and get wine. She hasn’t committed to that. She has paid for the hotel room. Not that complicated.

            2. Omg be nicer. It’s not that complicated to be nice. It’s clearly pretty confusing; otherwise people wouldn’t be confused.

   4. Are there other close by locations where you can watch the fireworks? What is the cost of those other locations? I would personally go somewhere else that was close by, if you can find something more reasonably priced. But that is also completely outside of my budget, and I meant feel differently if I could afford it.

   5. The only time my then-BF and I dropped that kind of cash on an evening was the night he proposed! Wow.

      Like you, we could technically afford that evening, but it would probably be underwhelming due to the weight of our enormous expectations at that price point. Although disappointing not to be directly over your room, there must be competitor restaurants nearby?

      1. +1. The night will never live up to expectations, because of the cost. This is why stuff like this is never worth it for me.

   6. There’s no way I’d spend that much on a mediocre meal, which this is likely to be. If this was a *** Michelin restaurant, maybe. But a hotel restaurant on NYE? No way. I don’t understand why you can’t just have dinner elsewhere.

   7. I think it would be so lovely and romantic to have a nice dinner somewhere else in a beautiful outfit then go back and change to something comfy and stroll the streets with your loved one watching the fireworks and celebrations while wearing comfortable shoes.
      I think of you can afford it there’s nothing wrong with paying for the hotel bar but if you’re even asking this question it suggests you’d never get fully comfortable with the idea and that will just ruin the night.

   8. Yeah, go somewhere else for dinner. Madrid is a fun city and there will be a lot going on–I understand the convenience of the hotel, but there is absolutely no need to spend 800 euro for dinner and fireworks.

      1. I mean, unless you want to, I guess, but it kind of sounds like you don’t.

   9. It’s not crazy at all. It’s not just “a meal”, you’re spending it on a night out. Plenty of people pay $450 pp for experiences like primo concert tickets, playoff sports tickets, box seats at the theater, skydiving, etc.–and those don’t even come with food/booze! You’re exchanging money for an experience/entertainment. I think it’s fine. Obviously plenty of other people are planning to pay it or the hotel wouldn’t be charging it!

      1. Yeah, I’d do it but I’m the person who paid $750 apiece for Hamilton tickets.

         1. Same. Dinner at minibar or Tickets is worth it to me, but I absolutely get that it’s not everyone’s cup of anything. I don’t mention it!

   10. I don’t know anything about Madrid NYE celebration, but I found this googling, and it appears that that price is within the range of high-end hotel celebrations.

       https://madridfoodtour.com/how-to-celebrate-new-years-eve-in-madrid/

       HOWEVER, there also appear to be super fun and amazing parties at a much lower price point. Personally, I would do that. At my current income level, there is no party for 400 euros pp that I could get excited enough about, and I love fancy parties.

   11. Also, it sounds like the biggest problem here is wanting to wear cute (but not comfortable) shoes at dinner. Give that up, and the whole city opens up to you. Change your outfit plans, open yourself up to wearing comfortable shoes, and enjoy the city. I was in Madrid for New Year’s Eve 1999. Have fun!

   12. Have you talked with the hotel about the potential for a discount for the party for guests of the hotel?

   13. That is the price for the dinner+party in a 5* hotel in Madrid that night, it is up to you to spend that money or not, but, the main point in Madrid NYE it is not the fireworks, it is the countdown in the old clock at Puerta del Sol square eating the 12 grapes at the same time as the big bell strokes. The whole country stop for this. The fireworks will be nice but nothing extraordinary. I say that because if the hotel has not view of the Puerta del Sol Square you are paying for the party. Everyone can see from practically anywhere in the city the fireworks. After that from 1am to …. people party and in the morning go to eat “chocolate con churros” at Chocolatería San Gines.
       Local tip: Puerta del Sol square is full of tourists 31st eve. Locals go the day before for the rehersal.

       1. Can I say I just love it when people who live in the cities we talk about weigh in on these topics? I love it that we have readers all over the world who can offer advice on what to do in their cities. I’m not the OP but started thinking “NYE in Madrid sounds like fun, maybe we can do that someday” so it’s so super-helpful to hear the perspective of a local on what’s worth doing vs. not worth it. Thanks for posting this, Madrilian!

          1. Thank you for saying this, really apreciated.

6. Any recommendations for a soft, warm, not break-the-budget scarf? I just got a camel colored wool coat so bonus points if it looks great with that (coordinate and/or pop of color!)

   1. I bought the JW Anderson one from Uniqlo in a tartan and it is lovely – thick, warm, and very soft. It was £20 or so, so on the bargain end but given my habit of leaving a trail of scarves, hats and mittens behind me, it felt worthwhile.

   2. My favorite winter scarves are from Gap, and I have several from the last few yeras. They are so soft and cozy. I cannot deal with anything bulky or itchy around my neck. This year, it looks like they’re called the “cozy pattern scarf” or “cozy scarf.”

   3. The Nordstrom tissue weight wool and cashmere scarf is soft and light and not scratchy at all. It comes in several colors.

   4. Ten thousand villages (dot com if there isn’t one in your area) has SO many beautiful, very reasonably priced scarves in natural fibres.

7. We have a non-Tempurpedic memory foam mattress. Spouse has gotten quite a bit larger over the 10 years we’ve had the mattress to the point where this sleep thrashing is impacting me very negatively all the time. Is it time for a new mattress? And with foam, is it just worth it to get the Tempurpedic for isolating the other sleeper from a co-sleeper’s movements? Or other good brands to try out? I feel like I’d like Lucy and Ricky Ricardo’s twin beds just so I can sleep in peace.

8. I don’t think I’m in full-on midlife crisis mode, but I’m feeling something akin to it. I’m 39 and having a hard time accepting that I’m middle-aged. Specifically, I really don’t like that I look my age — I can’t hide the fine lines anymore, the bags under the eyes are more prominent, and I overall look and feel more tired than I did even five years ago. I’m not asking for specific beauty tips, because short of serious intervention, I doubt there’s much more I can do. Rather, I wish I could be more accepting of where I’m at. I’m put together, but no raving beauty and have always been kind of invisible. So now I’m going to be … even more invisible?

   I hate that I need more sleep than I used to, that I’m definitely no longer passing as a young mom in any context. And I can’t stop thinking about it and wishing I didn’t care.

   1. I have a sneaking suspicion that you look better that you think. I have so many girlfriends who feel this way, but I think they are so pretty! It’s their personalities, generosity and warmth. Do some volunteering, reach out to a friend for coffee, do a small splurge on something for yourself that will improve your daily life, read a nice book, go see an art exhibit, etc. One day, you will be sick and old, and you will long for the days when you were a young 39!

   2. Do you feel like you’ve built a life worth living, in ways that are special that you didn’t have in your 20s?

      1. Absolutely. That’s why I’m really thrown by this sudden concern with how I look.

         1. Maybe it’s the one thing that you can’t make better, or, put another way, the one thing that is going to get worse with age?

            1. OP here. I think you pinpointed it exactly. The lack of control. And, I can’t peer into a crystal ball or even use family members as models for how this might go down. My mom is in her early 60s and looks quite young for her age. She’s also very petite, and unfortunately, we have almost zero physical similarities. I color my hair, but underneath it all, I’m as gray as she is … which is depressing.

   3. When I was in high school and college, I felt so unattractive and fat. Now, looking back on pictures from that time, I was the complete opposite. I didn’t appreciate how I looked at the time. Knowing that now, I’m trying to avoid feeling the same way 20 years in the future looking back on pictures from now. Appreciate the great things now! I strongly suspect that you look nice, focus on the things you like most.

   4. I’m 43. My kids are 7 and 4. I feel you. Everything you’ve written I could have said myself.

   5. This was me, when I was your age (just a few years ago). It’s silly but the “no longer a young mom” thing bothered me way more than it should have. My kids are taller than me and there’s just something different about being the “middle-aged mom with surly preteenagers” vs. “young mom with adorable little ones.” I think it’s partially because the media tends to show moms as either in their 20s/30s with toddlers or in their 60s with grown kids – sometimes it doesn’t seem like there’s a lot of in-between. I also felt like all of a sudden everything I had or hadn’t done, health- and beauty-wise, caught up to me. And I also hear you about sleep – I used to get by on 6 hours, no problem, and now 7 hours isn’t enough. That really bothers me as I feel like I would have so much more time to do other things if I didn’t need so much stupid sleep.

      I think ultimately all you can do is lean into it, because unless they figure out a way to stop time, aging and time’s passage is something we can’t do anything about. I did start investing in better skin care (I started getting Curology after I saw recommendations for it here, and it has made a huge difference with fine lines) and working out more. Working out helps me sleep better, feel better overall, and it definitely helps my skin. The good thing about having older kids is that it’s a lot easier to go work out to a FitnessBlender video for 30 minutes than it used to be. Per the discussion above, I also just try to focus on the positive things. Three people I knew in their late 30s/early 40s died unexpectedly this year. I’ve had coworkers who have lost children this year to overdoses or suicide. I have it pretty good, even if my forehead lines are more prominent than I’d like them to be. I also agree that you probably look better than you think you do. If spa time or a new hairstyle or a makeover at Sephora would help you feel better, there’s nothing wrong with spending time and money to do those things.

      1. OP again. The “not a young mom” thing is hitting me a lot harder than I expected. I do not want to have another baby, yet I’m sad that even if I wanted to, that window is quickly closing anyway. The current crop of parents with babies and toddlers look so young to me, even though that WAS me just a few short years ago! I don’t want to go back because having a big kid is actually really fun, but I am feeling the passage of time at the moment.

   6. Also 39. What’s helped me in the last year is focusing on what my body can do vs what it looks like. DH is 43 and recently ran an ultramarathon for the first time. I’m nowhere near that but getting active and setting goals has helped me refocus on functionality and health. I’m super inspired by people who are older than me who are very active. Like I take a yoga class with my BFF and her mom recently started joining us. Her mom has been active for years and seems a million years younger than my mom who is totally unactive and uninterested in trying new things.

   7. Also 39 here. I so feel where you’re at. I have been dealing with the same feelings. Here’s what helped me. A few of these are probably things you’ve heard before, but the last two helped me the most:

      Getting 8-9 hours of sleep a night. Non-negotiable. I get in bed by 9 PM. I know this is not possible for everyone (I don’t have kids) but even if you can do it a couple nights a week, I think it makes a big difference.

      Drinking tons of water. I notice a huge difference in my skin and energy levels.

      Cutting way back on sugar and carbs. I still eat them, but I recognize that they contribute to acne, bloating, more hunger, and general crankiness in a way they didn’t in my teens and 20s. I FEEL better when I eat vegetables and whole grains and fruits. There is more of a direct connection between what I eat and how I feel now.

      I get subtle highlights and I love them. I felt like my hair lost its luster a bit in my late 30s, and this brings back some warmth.

      Controversial, but probably the most important: I stopped consuming women’s media and magazines and deactivated social media. Now I just look at actual people around me. Guess what? I actually think I look good compared to normal people I see on the train and at the grocery store. I realized I was comparing myself to people who aren’t even real, images that have been retouched and lit just so. Once I started focusing on what was right in front of me, I felt so much better.

      Last thing: I volunteer and make it a regular part of my life. I feel better helping others. I get out of my own head. I realize that an extra gray hair or bags under my eyes are small in the grand scheme of life, and they don’t take away from the fact that I have a lot to offer people who need help.

      I recommend listening to a recent Katie Couric podcast episode on ageism. Found it illuminating and inspiring.

      Hugs. I am sure you look great. But aging is part of life (if we’re lucky!) and it’s something we will all go through. In 15 years you’ll look back and think about how great you looked at 39 — so why not try and love where you’re at now?

      1. 100% on the sugar. I overate birthday cake on the weekend and I felt tired and ill in a way that I wouldn’t have during my 20s.

      2. THIS! ” I stopped consuming women’s media and magazines and deactivated social media”. I’m 43 and went off all social media 3 years ago. I love myself and my life so much more. The phrase “comparison is the thief of joy” comes to mind.

   8. Here’s what helped me (along with Zoloft). I went home to spend time w/ my elderly parents. Some old high school friends live in town. We went out dancing. I got hit on by a gorgeous 25 year old guy. It was my 38th birthday. I still wonder if my friends paid him to ask me out. We ran into some guys from high school. One of them couldn’t stop commenting on how I still look exactly like I did in high school and I still “got it.” I went back home to my husband beaming. (He was home sick.) I like to think I’m a really confident person but sometimes we just need outside validation. Be careful not to fall too far down that slippery slope (assuming you are married) since you don’t want to turn getting hit on into waking up in a 25 year old’s bed but those compliments were really what I needed and I’ve felt so much better about myself since.

   9. I know you said you didn’t want specific beauty tips, but when you say you want to be more accepting of where you are, for me, this always lies in looking my best. I don’t think this requires serious intervention. But can you do what I call “appointment week” where you book a fresh haircut (would some highlights make you feel brighter?), a mani/pedi, eyebrow wax, maybe a trip to the dermatologist or aesthetician for some dermaplaning– or if that’s too serious, maybe a facial, and also grab a few DIY things at the drugstore to do at night during “appointment week”– some whitestrips, an exfoliating scrub for the shower, a luxe thick moisturizer to make you feel all silky, a few sheet masks and maybe some undereye gel masks… these things can all be tailored to your budget but can go a long way towards making you feel like your best self. You don’t have to do them every day! Just one week of focusing on my appearance goes a long way towards making me feel good for a while.

      Do you like your clothes? Do they fit you well? Sleek, tailored, well-fitted clothing always makes me feel better about myself. Maybe you can edit your closet a bit, focus on your favorite pieces and wear those for a while. There may be some things that would make you feel better in them if you had them tailored. I also feel more “seen” when I am neat and clean and, when all else fails, I feel great about myself in a good lipcolor and gloss. Again, I know you said you don’t want beauty advice and I apologize if this misses the mark. But I do think that if you spent a week just really focusing on looking your best, I think it would go a long way towards helping you FEEL your best.

      1. I agree with you and love all of these suggestions. I feel better when I do these things for myself.

         1. +1. There is nothing wrong with taking care of your appearance. Someone else mentioned that slight external validation helps too. This comes more easily when you take care of your physical appearance. For me, when I gave up on thinking that there was something wrong with trying when it came to my appearance, a weight was lifted. It is ok to try to new beauty routines–you will feel better because you are doing something, and that is part of the process too.

   10. So, I’ve been overweight my whole life so over time I think I’ve adjusted my attitude to embrace a self-serving “looks aren’t everything” philosophy which is very helpful as my appearance changes due to postpartum and aging. Many of my peers who were attractive in a more traditional way for most of their lives are now dipping their toes into that kind of self-acceptance for the first time and seem to really struggle with it. So, maybe look at it as “at least I’ve figures out being invisible”? You’ve likely developed a sense of self that doesn’t rely much on your appearance and developed other strategies to stand out and be noticed when necessary.

       And I echo comments above that you probably look great and are being your own worst critic.

   11. I’d rather be alive with white hair (that I dye), having to change my eating habits and exercise because my body doesn’t function like it used to, and all the rest. It’s a privilege to grow old, I know a number of people who didn’t get that chance and I’m glad that so far, I do.

   12. This is maybe an unorthodox idea…
       I’m not your age, but, I’m consistently inspired by older women (most who are quite a bit older than you) into fashion on instagram, and similar outlets. They make me excited to reach an age where I can lean into my personality, my personal style, and not have the expectations of looking and being young. Being young has its benefits, but I get tried of caring so much – dopes that make sense? Also, they make getting older look SO FUN, and just remind me that there are new things to discover about every age. 99% of the media we consume has some form of the young ideal, and it can skew our view of ourselves and of what’s “normal” so easily. Check out these sites/accounts to start:
       https://www.advanced.style/
       https://youlookfab.com/ (features contributors of many ages)
       @stylecrone
       @iconaccidental
       @irisapfel

       1. I feel the same way! As a younger woman, I created a Pinterest board for what I wanted to be like every every decade of my life. I tried to clip Instagram accounts of women I want to be like for that decade of my life into each Pinterest board. It’s unfortunate that while there are plenty of women to clip from 20s-30s, and then 60s-80s, there were not that many for 40s—50s. I’m all for middle aged women to start their Instagram fashion accounts!

          1. Ohhh this is so fun! I think I’ve subconsciously done this for the past couple of decades, but I’d love to borrow this idea :)

   13. I could have written this post! 40 hit me hard and there is so much to try to keep up with. It seems like a lost cause. I try to think about the fact that even if I Botox, fill, whiten for now, eventually my age will start to show. It’s just kind of bizarre that there is a large segment of the population now that looks the same from 35 to 65…

9. I’ve often heard about people regretting not having kids earlier, or that they didn’t have the opportunity to have kids earlier, but has anyone ever regretted not waiting longer to
   have kids? I am in a solid, loving relationship and we are early/mid thirties, financially stable, we definitely see ourselves as parents in the future and there is really no reason to wait… but at the same time we are nervous about the big lifestyle change. It is selfish, but we love being able to sleep in late, take weekend getaways on a moment’s notice, etc. Is this something where we need to just jump in head first or does it mean we’re really not ready to have kids?

   1. Caveat: I do not have kids, so it’s not like I really know what I’m talking about here, but…

      If you want kids, I’d go for it now. You will only get older, have less energy, and have more risk conceiving. It’s easier to have a baby and bounce back at 32 than at 36 or 39. And the baby years are a blip on the radar of a long life of parenting. Why not get them over with now and then have more years to enjoy your kid?

   2. To answer your question, no: I have never heard anyone say they wish they had waited longer to have kids, save for a few friends who accidentally came home with a honeymoon baby, or had an otherwise unplanned pregnancy. But of my friends who were married and knew they wanted kids eventually, of those who waited a year or so, I have never heard anyone say they wish they had waited longer.

   3. Go read the mom’s site for an honest look at what life is like with kids. I agree with the other poster about going for it now rather then you are older.

   4. You want kids, you’re in a stable relationship, and you’re both in your thirties. The time is now. I’m not going to sugarcoat it; parenthood will change your lifestyle a million times over. But, I don’t think waiting two more years when you’re already 30-something is going to change the equation or the shock of early parenthood, much, and there are risks to continuing to kick this decision down the road.

      It is NORMAL to worry about how parenthood will change your lives. I don’t know anyone who hasn’t felt this way, even if they were 1000% on board with having kids.

      1. Also: The sooner you do it, the sooner you’ll be finished. I had mine at 27 and was pretty well done with the hands-on part by the time I was 50. And the empty nest is kind of awesome.

   5. Not trying to be rude, genuinely. But if you’re not ready by now, you may wait yourself out of any chance to have children at all, if you are in your mid-thirties. I am sure you have heard about how precipitously fertility declines once women hit 35, so I’m not going to beat that dead horse. If you want children, now is the time. Some people can get pregnant in their late 30s/early 40s with no problem but that is by no means guaranteed. I know people who have gotten pregnant by accident at 39. I know way more people over 35 who needed multiple rounds of IVF to get pregnant. Don’t make this harder on yourself than it has to be.

      Also, to the point above, lack of sleep, lack of energy, adjusting to new lifestyles, etc. don’t get any easier as you get older. Having a child does change your life completely, but the really tough early years are over before you know it, and it gets really fun (or at least it did for me) once kids hit age 4 or so. That being said: having children is not for everyone and if you and your partner are really super-invested in the way your life is now, and are really reluctant to have anything change, it is worth considering whether having kids is for you.

   6. I’ll say this: we always knew we wanted kids, and it was never a question of “if” nor “when.” We started trying as soon as we got married, and the idea of giving up sleeping in or weekends away honestly never entered my thought process. It was just so obvious that we would have kids, what was the point of even considering the downsides?

      All that is to say, the fact that a very basic fact of child-rearing (your sleep schedule is not your own) is enough to make you hesitate means that, yea, maybe you’re not ready for kids right now. But I’ll also say it can take years to conceive, if you’re fortunate enough to be able to at all. So you may find the nervousness dissipates over time as you’re trying.

   7. I’m one of those people who didn’t have a chance to have kids earlier, as I didn’t meet my DH till I was 35. It worked out, but it is one of my biggest regrets despite the fact that I love my DH and can’t picture being married to anyone else. I would say go for it now, unless you have a more articulated reason for wanting to wait that will be resolved by a certain time, such as just starting a new job and waiting to be there a year to qualify for FMLA.

      It might help to think about the math. How many kids do you want to have? How old do you want to be when they graduate high school? College? If you want to be 60 before they graduate college, then you have to have your last kid by 37. If you want to be 55 before they graduate college, then you have to have your last kid by 32. I’m in the situation where I will basically be retirement eligible before my youngest graduates college and the thought of paying for college during my last working years freaks me out. And my parents, who are in there 70s, never really got to have much of a relationship with my kids before they health declined and I worry that I will not get to have much of a relationship with any potential grandkids.

   8. I was the oldest first time parent in The Kid’s kindergarten year and no regrets on the situation. The Hubs and I were married over ten years before The Kid came along – mostly due to events out of our control – and no regrets on that timeline. While I see the advantages to having kids younger, especially if you want more than one, there are upsides to being older: we have enough money to cover kid expenses and outsource for help, the 529 plan is fully funded, we have a lot more patience, the in-laws retired and can visit every month to cover for childcare and vacations, and we have the perspective to deal with the patriarchical/SAH parent scene at The Kid’s school with a decent amount of equanimity. If the Kid came along earlier, none of those things would have been possible.

      As an additional upside, before The Kid came along, The Hubs and I had lots of time to build a strong relationship, get into our “forever” home, both make partner at our firms, enjoy travel and being out every night and get to a point where we had no issues with being home every night because we already had gotten a lot out of our systems before The Kid was born. Sure, we will not be the young empty nesters going off on long vacations at 50, but we took some of those vacations before The Kid was born, can take some of them when the in-laws cover, and we will have the fun of bringing The Kid along for some of them.

      Note that The Hubs and I dealt with issues with conception and infertility and ended up going the adoption route, but we always were prepared for that prospect (The Kid is the third generation we have who joined a family by adoption). If that is unacceptable to you, or you want a large family, or if you really want your later years filled with grandkids and great-grands, then the longer timeline may be off the table for you. But no regrets here.

   9. I have had friends tell me they love their kiddos but wish they had more time as a couple to travel or just be adults and not mom and dad. These are couples who married right out of college and had kid 1 by mid 20’s and kid 2 or more by late 20’s or early 30’s. Usually it’s the moms who say this because the dads still get to be adult men separate from the dad label but the moms…don’t seem to get that as much. Then I have the couples who seem to just seem to regret having kids but that’s a different story, you seem like you know you want kids.

   10. Echoing what others said above.

       Fertility after age 35 is a roll of the dice. Some get pregnant ridiculously easily at 38 or 39; some need intervention at 34 or 35. Since you don’t know until you try, you can either get really lucky or have a whole pile of regrets.

       Starting earlier gives you a lot more options in terms of spacing the kids out. You won’t really know how much space you’ll want between kids until you’re pregnant or parenting, and if it turns out that you and your husband want to have a few years between kids, it’s a lot easier to do that when you’re 33 than when you’re 39. In fact, the second child might not even be possible.

       Then there’s the “life” issue. If things are going smoothly now, have kids now. This one is hard for me to discuss rationally, because it’s so emotional and personal, but I ended up getting pregnant right after my family disowned me. But 40 is coming up really quickly, and we had no idea how long it would take for me to get pregnant (see: late 30s), or even if I could (see: late 30s). So I guess we got lucky, but we really wish that we didn’t feel backed into a corner on our choices.

   11. Contrary opinion here. I don’t wish I’d waited longer, but I will say that I’m VERY glad I didn’t do it earlier. I met my husband at 23, married at 26, we were settled in our own home and financially stable by 30 and on paper we should have started TTC by 31 or 32 at the latest. But I didn’t feel ready then, and wasn’t ready to give up our affluent DINK lifestyle, sleeping in, traveling everywhere, etc. When I turned 35 I, rather suddenly, felt ready, and we were lucky and got pregnant quickly and I had a baby shortly before turning 36. I’m aware that I was lucky and I might have a different perspective if it hadn’t worked out, but I will tell you I absolutely love being an older mom and I think I’m happier than a lot of my mom friends because I waited until I was really 100% ready. I didn’t resent the loss of autonomy and selfishness that inherently comes with having a kid, because I really got that out of my system in my early and mid-30s, and I was affluent enough to enjoy it in a way I couldn’t enjoy adulthood in my 20s. Many of my friends had kids younger and, at least to an outsider, appear to resent their kids and the changes that come with parenthood a lot more than I do.

       My two cents is don’t rush it. One caveat is that I didn’t feel like I HAD to be a mom, and I think I would have had a content childfree life if it came to that (although I adore my child and am now so glad I had one). If you feel that you must have children, then I agree with others that it’s riskier to wait because of course fertility does decline beginning in your mid-30s.

       1. I am about to turn 36 and have 3 kids. DH and I have been married for 10 years, and I had my first at 29. I am near tears with joy at the idea of never being pregnant again. I have friends that had kids far later than I did, and for some it was the right choice. For others, it was the only choice. For the ones that had the option to have had kids younger, I hear often that I was smart to get it over with.

          FWIW, we never felt ready at all. We didn’t want to give up brunch or weekends away. But I also didn’t want to be pregnant in my late 30s, so one has to make a call about which is a more pressing desire.

          It’s a personal decision with no right answer, but I would say that if you KNOW you want kids, you should start trying soon, because I’ve had a lot of friends struggle for years.

       2. 39, expecting my first and we definitely weren’t ready earlier. We understood that might mean we needed fertility treatments or might become parents through egg donation or adoption, but to us it was more important to feel ready. FWIW, I conceived extremely easily.

       3. Same. Very glad we waited as long as we did (33). The bond we created by going on adventures together was absolutely required to get through early parenthood. If I was a healthy man with a younger partner I’d wait until 45 to have kids. There is so much room for career advancement and world exploration that is limited by parenthood.

   12. Vis a vis children: “You’re never ready; you go when you’re ready enough.”

10. I need advice, and I can’t really talk with my friends about this. Most of them are in the married/little kids stage and from what I can tell, they are living paycheck to paycheck.

    I have a decent amount saved: 500K in retirement and savings and no debt except my mortgage. I’m single, late 30s and currently consulting in a high-paying but high-stress gig that will end in spring 2020.

    As I’ve come out the mid-30s into the late 30s, I’m suddenly feeling so… free but unmoored, I guess? I didn’t have kids. If I would have met someone I’m sure I would have had kids and I think I would have loved motherhood and been a great mom. But that didn’t happen for me, and I don’t want kids enough to do it on my own, so here I am. I have no kids, but I am financially stable and hope to be financially independent for the rest of my life.

    So what do I do next? What do I want the next chapter to look like? I know I do not want to be in a high-stress job long-term. I don’t like what it brings out in me. The stress just isn’t worth it. And I have so many passions and hobbies I want to pursue. When my gig ends, I could travel for a few months, try a different field of work, go back to school…

    On the other hand, I feel like I can’t escape the rat race. If I get off the train now, what if I never am able to earn this amount again, and then I can’t retire or something? I know this is irrational. And I do not plan to just not work. But I want to find a better balance.

    What would you do if you were me?

    1. To be blunt, 500k is not really much, and I would keep working because I don’t view 500k as “financial independence”-level wealth. I am also mid-30s with young kids and have more than that saved, and so do most of my friends (admittedly, educated people working in law, medicine, tech, consulting, etc.) I don’t think you have to be killing your self in a high-stress job, but I think you should plan to continue working instead of doing extended traveling or going back to school.

       1. Oh, totally. I don’t think my post wasn’t clear: I will DEFINITELY continue working. I just meant I feel like I have a decent chunk saved, but also not enough to make a really substantial change, and it’s a weird feeling. When I was a kid I would have thought I was rich, you know? It’s certainly a lot of money and I am grateful and lucky to have it, but it also doesn’t change the fact that I still need to work and figure out what I want to do with my life, and that is where I am struggling a bit!

          1. I mean, just to jump in, you *are* rich. You may still have to work, but you are rich.

       2. Do you have $500k saved with a spouse? Makes a huge difference. Don’t discount that the OP has achieved a lot on her own. Life is so much different when you don’t have a husband, and you are trying to achieve milestone financial goals on one income.

          1. I’m not trying to denigrate OP, and sorry if it came across that way. $500k is a terrific amount of retirement savings for anyone in their mid-30s, and especially a single person, and she deserves to be proud. I’m simply saying that to me this isn’t an amount of money that gives you the freedom to quit your job and travel the world as I thought she was suggesting. Going back to school also seems like a big financial risk to me, because the combination of lost earnings and tuition can be a really big financial hit. I’m not saying don’t lean out or even change careers, I would just try do it without coughing up tens or hundreds of thousands of tuition dollars.

    2. Take a 2-3 week international vacation and really treat myself and reset. Make one of the weeks a unplug retreat (hiking, yoga, meditation, cycling tour, whatever you happen to like). Use this time to relax and think about what you want and what “better balance” means to you.

    3. My circumstances were similar when I jumped off into higher ed (staff/admin). Nothing is ever on fire, it’s 40 hours per week, I have good leave and can take classes for free. I’ve learned to like the slower pace for the most part. It took 3 years, but I’m back to what I made before changing jobs *and* have much more time off.

       1. “Nothing is ever on fire” sounds so, so amazing right now. Love the sound of that. I feel like my life is on fire as a consultant! I’m over it.

          1. The downside is that you will find the folks who Sloth in Zootopia was based on. It takes a while to figure out who the folks with brains & a sense of urgency are (I think this is the case in any large bureaucracy), particularly since the sense of urgency isn’t something looked for in hiring or retaining staff.

             1. +1. Eight months into higher ed admin and the pace is … varied.

          2. Ehhhh I beg to differ. In hire ed, and I have put out a lot of fires lately. It varies, and overall I agree work-life balance is good, but I think it’s an exaggeration to say there are never fires to put out.

             1. omg higher ed* That was a mortifying typo for someone who works in education.

             2. i would say it varies a lot by function/office

    4. I’d take a year off to travel. Then look for a more balanced job when you’re back in order to have time to pursue hobbies/interests on the side. If you’re single then you likely have greater flexibility in job location – like if you’re in DC and can’t find something you could look in NYC etc.

       Don’t be afraid to ask your friends with kids to join you if you’re not into solo travel. I can’t take a year but DH definitely owes me a kid-free week after all his work travel in the last year. I’d definitely be up to meet up with you in Paris for a week or do a yoga retreat in Costa Rica. We don’t travel as much because 5 tickets is pricey, but we definitely try to swing solo trips. Meeting up with friends might break it up and it’s always nice to have a travel buddy to share the memories with. Incorporate your interests into the travel – language learning, cooking class while abroad, yoga treat, kayak course, photography workshop, whatever you’re into.

       And post back about your adventures!

    5. I’m just like you, with a bit more saved, and I’m planning to quit my job in a few months to take a year to volunteer, travel, work on that book I’ve been meaning to start for ages, and get back into some hobbies I haven’t had time for in my high-stress job with long hours. I have no interest in re-joining the workforce at the job/position I’m in now, so I’m not worried about dropping several rungs on the career ladder, although I do plan to work again. This is more a gap year than early retirement. I have enough savings to last me a few years without a job, which is a major reason I feel comfortable enough to do this…realistically, I think I need to assume 6-18 months to job search based on my location and field.

11. I’m looking for gift ideas for my MIL for an upcoming birthday. She’s early 70’s and is in ill health that is unfortunately her new normal. Her cancer has come back and she is now on a rigorous chemo schedule that prevents her from enjoying the hobbies she used to love such as travel, gardening and cooking. She’s very frail and sensitive now so anything food-related or with smells is a no-go, and she doesn’t have energy for anything interactive. She is understandably depressed about her illness and the lack of a light at the end of a tunnel so she could really use a pick-me-up, but I’m at a loss for what to do. Any ideas? For her last birthday I tried comfy things like slippers but I think her sensitivities now have gotten to the point where anything that comes into skin contact can be irritating, too. TIA!

    1. Photo mug with grandkids photos? Personalized fluffy fleece blanket – like personalized with kid or grandkid photos or names? Gift certificate from meal delivery service?

    2. A photo calendar with pics of her grandkids?

    3. Kindle or tablet? Digital photo frame?

    4. A really beautiful orchid and magazine subscriptions to travel/gardening/cooking mags? They can be had for very cheap at Amazon and she can take them to read at chemo. You might also put together a nausea pack gift basket – candied ginger and candied fruits, little cans of ginger ale, some bland hot cereals, jello, etc.

    5. There are tons of beautiful varieties of amaryllis available this time of year. The flowers don’t smell and grow so quickly you can see change day to day. You could pick out a few and pot them up to bring a little of the garden indoors, so to speak. Many garden centers will make potted arrangements of the bulbs you pick out.

       1. Along these lines – what about a plant subscription box? The one I’ve seen the most is Sill. They’re mostly green houseplants so no strong-smelling flowers. That plus a plant stand that fits wherever she spends the most time.

    6. I was going to suggest Barefoot Dreams blanket– they are on sale half off at Nordstrom Rack today. But then I got to the last sentence in your post. So I’m hearing: nothing to eat, smell, touch, or do. So, what is left? Something to look at, I think? Maybe some framed photos related to the hobbies she used to love– travel, gardening? Did she ever take photos on her travels that you could have framed for her?

    7. Does she read? Book of the month club?

       1. I think this is the best idea. It sounds like she is spending a lot of time in treatment, so something she could do then seems like a good idea. Books if she likes reading, crosswords or similar if she likes that, an audio books or music streaming service subscription.

    8. Friday night lights DVD set? Has she seen the series yet? I think most straight women would find the gift of Tim Riggins a great gift. An engaging tv series to distract her sounds like a great gift!

12. I have a daughter who is 11 and has 3 dark moles on her face (2 above the lip and 1 below). My parents are insistent that they need to be removed now. They were this way with me and I had my facial freckles removed when I was about her age. I always thought it should be my daughter’s decision on how she felt about it as long as they aren’t a health concern (and they aren’t problematic – a derm checked them out and confirmed this), but my parents keep bringing up the same thing and we are visiting them for Thanksgiving week and I know they’ve already made an apptmt with a dermatologist. How do I protect her from them? Also, I am starting to feel like they are right, that this may be the best for my daughter – how do I get out of that thinking? If she were a baby I’d have no issues with removing an unsightly birthmark, but now I feel that if I say anything to her, she’ll think the moles are ugly and it will affect her self esteem at this vulnerable age.

    1. I have a big mole on my chin and it affects my life not at all. Occasionally a colleague will point out chocolate in my chin and I say no, it’s a permanent mark, and we laugh about it and I move on.

       1. Very rarely someone will discreetly whisper (or loudly point out!) that I have “something” under my nose. Nope, just a small birthmark that looks like a booger, but thanks!
          OP your parents are bananas. You’re doing the right thing to protect your daughter and showing her how to set healthy boundaries. You don’t have to go to the appointment, and if they press the issue, you can leave.

       2. Yeah, I’m 43 and just now considering getting the many large moles i have on my face removed. Take a hard line about this! You are right.

    2. Your parents are out of line—making a doctor’s appointment for your kid? Absolutely be firm. “My partner and I manage our child’s health. We will not go to this appointment.” No discussion or explanation, and if they don’t let it go, just leave. Tween years are tough; your daughter does not need scrutiny and judgment from her grandparents.

       1. I would be concerned that the grandparents would find a way to take the child to the appointment without the parents’ knowledge. The doctor’s office shouldn’t see the child or perform a procedure without parental consent, but I would be concerned that the grandparents would somehow find a way around that.

       2. What I’m going to say may be an overreaction. But I would tell my parents that they were COMPLETELY out of line making a doctor’s appointment– for completely superficial purposes– for MY child. And that if they want us to attend Thanksgiving, they will 1) cancel the appointment and 2) never, ever mention the moles to my child ever again. If they cancel the appointment and agree to never, ever mention the moles again, we will attend Thanksgiving. But I will not put my extremely vulnerable tween daughter, who is already faced with the societal pressures and expectations of conventional beauty, in a position where HER OWN GRANDPARENTS are CRITICIZING HER FACE— to her face!!!!! And if they insist on telling my daughter that she is not beautiful enough the way she is, that we will not be attending Thanksgiving. And we will need to reconsider how much exposure we allow them to have to her going forward.

          1. I agree with No No No. The grandparents are completely out of line in a way that harmful to their grandchild.

          2. I agree with this! The grandparents are so far out of line that you need to push back HARD.

       3. I second this and add that if you are concerned they will bring it up at Thanksgiving in front of your daughter, tell them firmly before that this is not something to discuss in front of your daughter and you are handling it (or however you want to set your boundaries).

    3. Wait what?!? This is bananas. Tell them they’re wildly inappropriate are never to mention this again and that if they want to ever see you again they will never make a medical appointment for your child. Ever. And cancel your trip.

    4. “Please confirm that the dermatology appointment you inappropriately booked has been cancelled. If I do not receive confirmation of cancellation within 24 hours, I will be cancelling our trip.”

       After they confirm appointment cancelled, “We will come for Thanksgiving but if you mention anything about my mole removal or anyone’s moles in front of daughter, we will be leaving immediately.”

       I put up with a LOT from my mom. She can be super passive aggressive with me (I was underweight throughout my 20s because of her constant comments) but she knows I do NOT play when it comes to my kids and I will go mama bear on her if she @’s me about anything appearance related with them.

    5. In a similar situation, my dad made it about physical comfort. My mole was raised. He said “if that mole ever starts bothering you, let us know and we can get it removed.” I liked his language because “bothering you” could mean getting itchy and irritated or it could mean making me feel ugly. I never had it removed but I appreciated knowing my parents supported me if I wanted it removed.

       1. I like this way of handling it. This is what I try to do with my kids, who are starting to have occasional acne. If it hurts/itches/you are concerned about picking at it/etc., let me know, and we can do something. At one point, my son asked me to buy something, but it hasn’t bothered him enough to use it.

          OP, your parents are way, way, way out of line, and you need to protect your daughter from them.

    6. I’d cancel the visit to your parents over this, and I wouldn’t relent even if they claimed to have cancelled the doctor’s appointment. Your parents are out of line to be making a doctor’s appointment for your child or criticizing her appearance. If she wants the moles removed at some point, you and her other parent are the only people who should be participating in that decision.

    7. Do not ask your daughter. I had the same number of moles above my upper lip. One of my childhood memories is my mom kept going on about how ugly the moles are and how I should laser them off. The only reason we did not do it is because of costs. It made me very self-conscious of the moles such that I had issues with dating and kissing boys because I thought they would be grossed out. I only sorta got over it when my husband was like what moles?!
       Don’t do that to your daughter. Unless there is a legit health concern, don’t make her self conscious of those moles or anything about her appearance – it will do more harm than good.

       1. Your mother should have remembered that perhaps one of the most beautiful woman of all time had a prominent mole on her face — Marilyn Monroe! She was so pretty that all the famous men wanted to marry her and/or have $ex with her. If they were concerned about the mole, that sure didn’t stop them, and that includes John F. Kennedy (the President of the US), Joe DeMagio (a baseball player), and Arthur Miller (the playright), among many others, Dad says. So the next time someone tells you mole’s are ugly, just point to Marilyn Monroe, who was a unique and beautiful person. Watch her movie’s and you can see for yourself, Dad says, and she was alot older then Dad, but he had a crush on her growing up! YAY DAD!

    8. So, I’m taking my son to get a mole on his shoulder removed this week (not cancerous but it’s large and it’s bleeding occasionally, and doc thinks it should come off); this will be the second mole removal we’ve done but neither were for cosmetic reasons. It’s not terrible as far as minor procedures go but it’s not nothing, either. What I don’t understand is why on Earth you would allow your parents to take your daughter to the dermatologist against your will? Is it even possible that the dermatologist will perform the mole removal without your permission as her legal guardian? I’m not a lawyer so I don’t know.

       You’re complicating something that is simple: you tell your parents “we’re not doing this,” and you don’t allow her to go with them anywhere by herself. If you know what dermatologist they called, call that office and cancel the appointment, and also explain that you do not consent to them treating your daughter and that her grandparents are not her legal guardians. I can almost guarantee you that after you say that, they will decline to see your daughter (even if your parents managed to get her over there) because they don’t want to get sued.

       You’re the parent. This is your call. Your parents are out of line and they need to be put in their place. I am nearly certain there are some cultural issues at play here that I am not familiar with. I am a Nice White Lady from a Whitey McWhiterson family, and if someone from my family tried to get surgery performed on my kid without my permission and in defiance of my strongly-expressed opposition, I would call the cops.

    9. How can your parents even make a derm appointment? I highly doubt that’s gonna fly in any medical office if they aren’t the primary guardians. A tough conversation with the parents is in order; they are wildly overstepping.

    10. Tell them it was unacceptable to make the appointment and that they are not to comment on your daughter’s appearance. You’re the parent here – act like it.

    11. I echo all the comments about the grandparents being inappropriate. From the medical perspective, if I saw a minor with grandparents seeking a cosmetic procedure in my practice I’d probably be on the phone looking for parents and/or CPS. To be fair, I doubt a reasonable dermatologist would want to take them out unless they caused issues on an 11 yo.

    12. As an aside, if your daughter even wants to have them removed, you wouldn’t go to a dermatologist but to a facial plastic surgeon. I eventually had two raised moles on my face removed, and both of the dermatologist I saw for other things said that they would not remove them and that I should see a plastic surgeon if I ever decided to have them removed.

    13. My teen has a mole on her face. The derm told us that removing it would absolutely leave a small scar, the size of the mole, and he would absolutely recommend against it until the child was fully 100% grown. (Because the scar could stretch.) The scar may be lighter colored than the mole, but will also always be there. In any case, the decision should be up to the person whose face would need to go under a scalpel, when that person is old enough to decide.

    14. Can you call the derm in question yourself and establish that you are the guardian of your daughter and she is not to be seen there without you present? That way even if your parents pull a fast one, they won’t get anywhere.

    15. Honestly, this crosses a huge line. I’d say to them, “My daughter is not going your dermatologist. I am responsible for her medical care and her personal safety. If you ever try something like this again, you are not going to be seeing very much of us at all.” My mother and MIL tried HARD to overstep (trying to make appointments, etc.) when my daughter had a serious medical issue, and I had to be very, very firm with them. It worked.

13. The house I’m buying looks like it might fall through at the last minute, because the sellers are refusing to pay for a standard test that the paperwork clearly states will be done at their expense. Because of circumstances they were well aware of, the test is $1000 instead of $100. I won’t go forward without this test.
    Should I offer to pay for it? It seems crazy to walk away from a house that was very difficult to find. But it also seems really problematic to let them breach the contract…Advice?

    1. Can you offer to split it, $500 each?

    2. Don’t make this decision based on principle. Do a cold cost-benefit analysis.

       1. +1. You won’t win the principle fight. You could lose the house. Decide what that’s worth.

       2. Yes. Never mind what’s right. Consider only what’s good for you. And if that’s forking out $1000 you shouldn’t have to in order to get the house you want, do it and never think about it again.

    3. Will they agree to adjust the purchase price to account for the price of the test? Maybe they just don’t have the cash on hand or want to spend it.

       If not, your options are basically (1) walk away from the deal (2) pay for the test and eat the cost and buy the house (3) pay for the test and buy the house and sue them to try to recover the cost. Only you can judge how important it is to you to get THIS house vs. going back to the drawing board.

    4. Oof. I’m sorry this is happening.
       Ultimately, it comes down to a couple of things:
       – How much do you want this house? You said it was “hard to find.” How long do you think it would take you to find something comparable that you like as much?
       – Have you sunk money into this (earnest money you can’t get back, inspections, etc.) that you can’t recover if the deal falls apart? That’s not necessarily a reason to buy the house but it’s worth considering.
       You didn’t say how much the purchase price is – in the scheme of things, $1k may not be a lot as long as you love the house, are confident you’re getting a good deal, and things are in good condition otherwise and you won’t have a lot of renovation or repair work to do right off the bat. I understand that the sellers agreed to this test contractually and should do it, but “should” and “going to” are two different things. We were in a similar situation when we bought our house (sellers refused to do something they had previously agreed to do). For us, it became this ridiculous game of “who’s going to blink first” as we got closer and closer to closing and they dug their heels in. At the zero hour, they agreed to do what they said they would do and so we won, but very honestly – if they hadn’t blinked I didn’t want to lose the house and start over looking, so we would have done what needed to be done to close the deal. If your realtor is competent (ours very much was not) they should be able to help you figure out a negotiation that works for everyone (can you pay for the test but then get reimbursed out of the seller’s proceeds at closing, so the seller doesn’t bear the up-front cost?). I am sorry you’re in this position; it stinks. Good luck.

    5. What’s the phrase? Penny wise, pound foolish?

       If the transaction size is multiples of thousands and you otherwise are all in on the purchase, foot the bill if you can afford to. Forget the sellers and sticking it to them on a technical contract default: don’t lose the house over this.

       1. +1.

    6. Thanks for the responses–this is tricky because everyone else is looking at it as a question about whether I should be willing to accept the health risk associated with the test, and A) they have their basic facts wrong and B) it’s not their future health at stake. But it’s frustrating that even our own realtor is treating me like I’m being a primadonna when I’ve only asked for them to do standard tests, bank required repairs, and keep to the contract they signed (which they seem to think is only a suggestion).
       I think we are going to lose this house, which is a shame because I really liked it, and it was really hard to find.

       1. Is this radon? This is so easily resolved. . . don’t be penny-wise pound-foolish.

       2. If this is a radon test, you are not being a primadonna. This is very standard, at least where I live.

          Why does the test cost 10x the normal fee?

          1. I agree this sounds like radon. I think as soon as you pay for a $1000 test and inevitably discover there is an issue, you will then be in the position of having to pay the $1-3k to mitigate it yourself, as they will refuse to do that themselves.

             FWIW, I live in a jurisdiction (Toronto) where no one has even heard of radon and there was no way in hell you could include that as a sale condition. I spent the money to do my own test afterwards (still ongoing) and will have to spend my own money to remediate if necessary. In a HCOL area, the couple grand this all entails is nothing in comparison to finding a house I loved and could afford. Plus realistically, prices move here so fast that I don’t necessarily think I could even get the same price on the same house 2 months later…

       3. I commented below @12:20. I would not waive the test. You’re not being a prima donna for insisting on knowing whether there are health risks. It’s understandable that your realtor wants the deal to go through, but she should be suggesting solutions that do not potentially jeopardize your health.

          It sounds like there have already been some disputes over who should pay for what, and that you’re frustrated with the process and the sellers. It feels SO personal right now, but it’s not. If you still like this house, figure out a compromise with the seller and don’t lose the house.

       4. You hit on something that drove me crazy when we bought our house, and maybe this advice will help. We were also treated like we were primadonnas and like our requests were unreasonable by our Realtor. We just wanted what was agreed to in the contract to be followed by the sellers (as we were following the contract as buyers), but any time we didn’t cave in on any request or refusal, we were guilted and made to feel like we were the problem. We did not feel we had anyone advocating on our behalf in the transaction other than ourselves; our Realtor certainly did not act or perform as though our best interests were top-of-mind. I finally accepted that the Realtor’s job is to close the deal – that’s it. That’s all they care about. If they need to make you feel bad or less-than or crazy to get you to drop a critical point, they will do it because their entire goal is just to get the deal done so they can collect their commission and move on to the next deal. That acceptance helped me A. let go of the idea that this person earning thousands of dollars from their minimal work done in the transaction was going to advocate for us in any way and B. embrace the idea that we had to be our own best advocates because no one else was going to do it for us.

          I agree with the other advice about being “penny wise and pound foolish” but will also counsel you not to cave on something that’s important to you because of your Realtor’s gaslighting (and that’s exactly what it is). Get the answers you need to feel good about buying the house.

          1. This is such a good point. But also, OP, if this house falls through, find a different realtor. It’s not ok to guilt you into accepting a bad deal just because they want to get the job done.

    7. You say the test is $1000 instead of $100 because of “circumstances they were well aware of.” That’s different from being well aware of the actual cost. I may know that I have X type of roof, but not that that means a roof inspection will cost $1000 instead of $100.

       Yes, the contract says they have to pay for it. You can enforce that clause, take your money back, and not buy this house. Or you could pay for the test, or offer a compromise, as others have suggested. Personally, I wouldn’t walk away just on principle. That doesn’t mean I’d pay the full $1000, but I’d consider potential compromises. I also would make sure the test is done because there’s a chance they’re trying to hide something.

14. Wondering if this has ever happened to one of you and ideas to try to fix it…I have a watch I’ve worn almost daily for 10 years. It’s stainless steel. Two weeks ago, I started getting a weird allergic reaction to the back of the watch (dry red patch). Never had this issue before. I cleaned the back of it with some rubbing alcohol but it doesn’t seem to be getting better. It’s an expensive Swiss watch (like a Rolex) so I don’t want to get rid of it.

    1. Bring it in to a watch repair place, especially if there’s one that specifically services that brand. My guess is that some kind of finish has been wearing off on the back, and you’re having an allergic reaction to what is underneath. That would explain why cleaning it made no difference.

    2. My mom had the same problem with her gold and stainless Cartier. She wore it every single day for 15 years without any problems and then started getting the type of redness you’re describing (she was late 40s when this happened). She had no other health changes. The only solution was going to an all gold watch, which she has now been wearing for about 15 years without any problems.

    3. You could try painting the back with clear nail polish, I know people with metal allergies who do this with the metal fastener on jeans. (Unless you’d rather be able to sell the watch someday, I don’t know whether or not it’s easy to remove nail polish from metal.)

       1. Extremely easy – use acetone.

       2. Exactly this – I’m allergic to nickel and have painted the inside of my watches forever. Not visible to others though I have to repaint occasionally if I start itching as I assume the polish chipped off.

          I wear a fitbit now with a nice band, and surprisingly the fitbit doesn’t contain nickel.

    4. Stainless steel usually contains nickel, sometimes in high percentages. Unfortunately nickel allergies can arise at any time during our lives – we aren’t necessarily born with them – and what you describe sounds like it could be a nickel allergy. I am really allergic to nickel and can only wear jewelry that doesn’t have it. There is a product sold designed to coat jewelry or buttons so that your skin no longer comes in contact with the nickel-containing metal – my experience was that it didn’t last long and I seemed to have a reaction to the product itself. You could look into having the back of the watch plated with gold – jewelers can do this. Otherwise you may have to sell the watch and get something you don’t react to. It’s a bummer, I know. I had to get rid of a lot of my jewelry once I got diagnosed with the nickel allergy.

    5. This also happened to me, though with a much cheaper watch. It’s probably not technically an allergy if you’ve been able to wear it for years and don’t have known metal allergies, just a skin irritation. You can try cleaning with alcohol like you mentioned and it also might help to make sure your skin stays dry underneath (be careful when you wash your hands or if you get sweaty). Don’t wear it at night. None of those things worked well enough for me and I just had to switch to a different watch. I still have to be very careful to make sure it doesn’t get too tight or rub awkwardly, but it’s mostly fine.

    6. Yep happened to me too. My watch was silver plated, and the plating wore off over years to expose the metal underneath, which (and maybe some sweat/moisture underneath) led to eczema. I stopped wearing it for a while (or wore on the other hand) until it healed.

    7. This happens to me, both with my nice watch and my cheap plastic watch, and my gold ring. I am not bothered by my cheap earrings. I think it has something to do with an irritation or allergy to water that is trapped under my watch. It was really a problem when I was on maternity leave in the summer and sweating all the time (with another all plastic sports watch). I have been alternating wrists and wearing my watch less. It sucks and hopefully yours is a true metal allergy that has an easier resolution.

    8. I also developed a nickel allergy in mid-life. The biggest culprit for me is brass jewelry, or plated jewelry with brass underneath the plating (more common than you’d think). Stainless steel doesn’t generally irritate my skin (but YMMV) and I’ve read that stainless varies as to whether it contains nickel and how much. I second the suggestion for painting clear nail polish on exposed surfaces. That works for me though it wears off and has to be re-done.

15. Is there any easy way to clean/sanitize carpet WITHOUT steam cleaning? I haven’t had carpet in years and while I vacuum, I’m wondering if there’s any powder/detergent that can be put down and vacuumed up or if baking soda etc. would be useful — using a regular, not specialized vacuum. Killing germs would be the best, but I don’t think that’s possible so anything to freshen/sanitize beyond regular vacuuming would be good. I anticipate scheduling a steam cleaning in a few months but just wondering if there’s anything I can do myself from time to time.

    1. honestly, i think buying your own steam vacuum is a worthwhile investment if possible. They aren’t that expensive, easy to use, and i find more effective than professional cleaners for upkeep purposes. I use it about once a month to just keep everything fresh (using normal vacuum regularly in between). I’ve used the hoover smartwash and a version from bissel, both were good.

    2. No. You can only cover or eliminate the smell with a carpet deodorizer that you sprinkle and vaccuum up or wet spray (enzymatic cleaner) that you let dry. None of these are promised to be antibacterial.

    3. There is carpet dry cleaning. I once hired a company that uses Vorwerk Kobasan snow. I don’t know exactly what they did, but they cleaned my carpets much more thoroughly than the steam cleaners did. I had already spot cleaned a few places with an enzymatic cleanser. I don’t know if they spot cleaned additionally.

       I’ve also used carpet powder and enzymatic cleanser in between carpet cleanings.

16. How much — if any — home/car maintenance do you undertake on your own? And how do people react? Granted I live in a 1 bedroom and have 1 car so there isn’t much I can do, but I find myself taking on small tasks (replacing the battery in the remote keyless entry; putting in an extra towel bar in the bathroom; re upholstering a dining room chair).

    It’s interesting that when I say I’ve done these things, it’s met with disdain, for lack of a better word. In part it’s because people are like — you’re a lawyer making 150k+, why would you not hire out. I’m surrounded by people who outsource everything, while I kind of like the challenge and satisfaction of figuring things out and I know that if I can’t figure it out/break it further, then of course I’d call someone. I grew up in a family where they called someone for the slightest little project without even attempting to fix it themselves, so they always take the tone of “oh you can’t even hammer in a nail,” as I’m like — uh yes I can, even though I learned it on my own and not at home. And part of it — obviously — is being female; like do I even know that if you’re putting in a towel bar you can’t just put it anywhere in the drywall because it won’t support the weight of the bar with wet towels?? I mean I was saying recently that people at work have learned I enjoy this stuff, so it’s happened before where people have been looking for me to tell me — hey my contractor/plumber said I need to do x and y, do you think that’s right; what questions would you ask etc. I mentioned that to relatives and they directly said “why you, why not ask one of the men??” Uh??

    Views on home improvement and do you find people making comments about it?

    1. Even if I outsource it, I make sure to understand as much of the process as possible because I don’t want to be ripped off. I’m the person who replaced her starter in the parking lot after work, so am probably not representative of the general population, but hell, it’s 3 bolts. Why would I pay for a tow truck? Yes, people have made comments in the past (re: being a woman and good at DIY & being frugal in general). Doesn’t matter. When that job got really toxic, I had the savings to leave. Others are still there hating life.

    2. “And how do people react?” “…it’s met with disdain” “people are like…” “I’m surrounded by people who outsource everything” “they always take the tone of” “I mentioned that to relatives and they directly said…” “Do you find people making comments about it?”

       You seem very, very, very concerned with what others think about you doing maintenance. Why?

       1. This poster (the NY firm pushout to govt atty who looks down on her coworkers’ salsa recipes) thrives on judginess and external validation

          1. That seems a rather big leap.

    3. I grew up in a frugal family with limited financial ressources. We would do almost everything ourselves: reno, cooking from scratch. I’m now very financially comfortable in the capital of gig working and outsourcing. Whenever I tell people I changed my range hood, painted a wall or other projects they look shocked. I really love to do things with my hand and take great pride from it. To each their own.

    4. I do a LOT of my own car repair, despite being a well-paid professional. The disdain is real – but so is the respect.

       There are people who look down on me, and literally assumed I was unemployed, because I do this work. Then there are people who respect the way it saves my family money – and it saves us not just the cost of the repairs, but my knowledge about cars enables us to make better decisions when something has to be brought in that’s beyond my capabilities.

       I had a CEL go on last week; I used my OBD II to run the codes; did a quick internet search; and determined based on the location of the part that needed replacing that it was worth it to have the dealer do it. “Hi, I had a check engine light come on; the code is X, which means Y. I have also noticed A and B symptoms, which are consistent with Y. Would you be able to do this repair today?” Guess who found it very easy to get scheduled in and get an accurate quote? This girl.

       1. Good for you! I love it

       2. I love my OBD II!

    5. I think some people genuinely enjoy this kind of stuff, some people hate it, and some people enjoy it but don’t have time for it. If you enjoy it, own it and keep being you!

    6. A lot. Also a lawyer making $150k+, and frankly I can’t afford to have someone do all of this for me. I paint, wash my car, bathe my dogs, clean my own house, do much (though not all) of the yardwork/landscaping, fix things in my house, etc. I don’t feel like anyone looks at me with disdain, but I do think some of my colleagues don’t understand my life. And I have been doing some cost/benefit analysis as to some tasks to see if I would be better off outsourcing and working more.

    7. If I can find a youtube video that shows me how to do it and it doesn’t look like something I (extremely accident-prone) am going to injure myself doing, I do it. Part of this is a lot of times it’s actually easier/less time consuming for me to try than to have to figure out who to call and then wait around for them to come fix it, part of it is I just like knowing how things work. It’s usually small things that could see complicated pre-internet age–I fixed our dryer that wouldn’t stop spinning by disconnecting and reconnecting the control panel (the more extreme version of “turn it off and back on”), for example, because this was apparently a known issue with lots of internet threads. Basically, for things that seem like they could be complicated that my parents would automatically call a repair person for, I default to google first.

       Which reminds me I need to change the air filter in my car.

    8. I’m a woman in tech, so I feel a bit pf pressure to DIY as “proof” that I’m not a girly stereotype. Like it or not, coming in with banged-up knuckles versus a fresh mani really does affect people’s views of my competence. Hand-waving away others’ opinions is great, until they’re the ones doing your EOY review.

    9. i personally am impressed by people who diy bc DH and I are two of the least handy people on the face of the planet, which is funny since my FIL is extremely handy. I mean things like changing a battery in a remote we most certainly do, but i have trouble cutting in a straight line with scissors, so i would probably do a lot more harm than good in a lot of the projects mentioned above. it sounds like your co-workers respect your expertise if they are asking for your opinions, but it is your relatives who seem to have a lot of commentary

    10. That’s very interesting. I’m an engineer making a similar salary, but do-it-yourself is common and expected among my coworkers. Not just putting in a towel bar or painting a room, but rebuilding the whole bathroom yourself. A manager was out yesterday because he wanted to help his landscaper install sod. This past weekend I attended a “tree house raising” with four other families. Being an engineer I do work with a lot of men, but even the women I work with are great at painting or tiling or roofing or rebuilding motorcycles.

    11. I do as much as I can myself – mostly because I don’t want to spend the time and money organizing other people to do it. I grew up helping my mom paint, so that’s something I’ve never considered hiring for. And it takes me forever to call to set up an outside to help with things, so if I want them done, I’ll usually try them myself first. I like knowing how my house works.

    12. I do an absolute boatload of home repairs/maintenance solo. Recent examples include building a custom closet, caulking a tub, caulking all of the window surrounds, installing a shed, redoing all of the landscaping, hanging almost all of the light fixtures in my home, replacing bathroom vents, hanging curtains and installing custom blinds. I’m still doing all of this stuff more than halfway through a pregnancy. I’m very handy and picky so I end up taking on a lot. My boss commented last week about how I came to work with several paint splotches on my forearms. However, when I don’t think my time is worth doing something I’m quick to outsource – I have a handyman coming this week to hang a bunch of replacement closet doors that I painted myself. I recently paid someone to repaint my front door because I was too lazy to.

        On the other hand, I do ZERO car maintenance myself. I’ve changed my oil exactly once. I do replace my wiper blades myself but hardly think that counts. I have a trusted mechanic who tells me when to do things and I take them at their word.

    13. My husband is super handy so he does most of it. People think it’s cool. I guess the OP and I run in different crowds! ;-)

        1. Your husband is a man. That’s the issue.

           1. Right. I was responding to the “you make big bucks why don’t you hire it out” part.

              1. I know very well-to-do men who literally built their houses and no one batted an eye, but when a woman who isn’t poor gets under the hood if her car or installs a disposal, people freak out.

              2. Yeah that is a good point.

    14. Why are you even telling people about these things? Why would anyone even care who replaced the battery in your car key – you or the hardware store?

17. Lived in NYC for 10 years and then moved away but I love seeing the city at Christmas so I’m considering making a trip for 2 days/1 night. I’d go on a weekday because I realize that midtown is crazed on weekends once the tree is lit. I don’t like crowds but I can deal with weeknight crowds at Rock Center, Bryant Park etc. — I last did it in 2014. On my 10+ year affiliation with NYC, I have never once walked down 5th Avenue at Christmas. It is claustrophobic to me, even more than the other places because they put in the metal fences to keep people on the sideways and off 5th Avenue and it feels like a holding pen. Question — is there ANY time of day on a weekday where you can walk down 5th and have it feel not claustrophobic — or like no more than Rock Center level crowds? I know the tree lights turn off around 12 am most years, do the crowds thin a bit after that and do the store lights/displays still stay on? I’d stay in midtown so I don’t have a problem being out at 1-2 am but I’ve just never been clear on when/if to walk down 5th and then it’s intimidating when I see the crowds. I’d prefer to see store windows while it’s still dark out as I imagine they’re just more impressive and I’d like to see up close things like whichever store puts a bow on the entire building etc. (Cartier maybe?).

    1. 10 is fine. You’re excessively worried.

    2. I work near the tree and when I go to work in the morning around 9, the crowds are minimal. So like anytime before 10AM would probably be fine I imagine.

    3. I’d say even 7:30 is fine, excluding the lines for the big department store windows, and unless there’s a big event like the tree lighting. I work in midtown and the crowds aren’t as bad as you are imagining. (You’re right, Cartier has the bow!) Plan for a rooftop drink somewhere (Knickerbocker, Skylark, Bar 54 at the Hyatt Centric) to watch the candy cane in action on the spire of the Empire State Building.

18. Looking for advice from anyone who has a spouse or close family member with OCD. OCD in the form of perfectionism..everything must be clean, sorted and in the right place or anxiety levels rise and the family member gets very irritable. DH has this and while we are organized and clean, he takes it to a new level and it consumes him. The good result is a neat tidy, well maintained home and the down side is that he gets anxious and quite irritated with people to the point of expressing anger, fuming. He is 56 years old and has been this way all of his life (was a restaurant chef and this was an asset in the business -he ran the cleanest kitchen like a well oiled machine)….he seems to be getting a little more obsessive as he gets older. He will take his irritation out on family members and then apologize later. We are hosting Thanksgiving for 15 people and while he loves nothing more than having family visit, he is also prone to irritation and anxiety in this type of situation and it shows up as a sullen, negative, critical mood. We had a discussion about it this morning because I noticed some of the controlling tendencies increasing. He got angry and then acknowledged it is his obsessive tendencies and apologized. Any advice?

    1. It doesn’t sound like he has an actual diagnosis? Even if he does, that doesn’t give him license to be an a**hole. There are a number of ways for him to deal with it, but he has to be the one to want to make a change.

       1. OP here…he doesn’t have an actual diagnosis…at least he recognizes the behaviour now and calls it out….sometimes after the fact and sometimes during. It’s like a habit that he has to break. You’re right – he needs to manage it and I told him that this morning.

    2. Medication or therapy; see a medical doctor.

    3. Joining my voice to the general Greek chorus of this board – he needs therapy.

    4. Does he actually have a diagnosis of OCD?

       1. OP here….he does not have a diagnosis…he is an extreme perfectionist with focus on cleanliness and order. He calls it OCD when he knows he’s getting a bit extreme.

    5. Perhaps a therapist whom specializes in this sort of thing? It does sound like he’s had it since childhood and while ingrained, it can be modified. In the moment he probably cannot stop it despite the later hurt feelings the tension creates. Wishing you well.

    6. Honestly this sounds like an awful situation for everyone. Him stressed out and angry, and your guests subjected to a host who is sullen, negative and critical. Could you apologize in advance to your guests? “Uncle Bob loves to see you, but his OCD prevents him from being a congenial host”. At least if they’re forewarned and know what’s up, they’ll be less likely to be offended. Is there anyone who can call out his behavior in the moment so he’s aware of it and can apologize/correct? I’ve seen my BIL tell DH to chill a couple of times when DH was being unnecessarily rude to their parents at a family function, and it worked much better than if I or his parents had said something.

       1. OP here…yes, it can cause tension and I tend to be the one that he dumps the complaints on….for the most part he spares the parents, family and guests…may take some of his irritation out on his sons or brothers. You’re right – I call him out on it and in past couple of years he has been calling himself on it….he knows its his OCD or extreme perfectionism, whatever you want to call it.

    7. I have OCD, diagnosed by a doctor. I went to weekly therapy (CBT) for about 4 years, and it immensely helped. I also took Zoloft.

       Also, not everyone with OCD has cleanliness obsessive thoughts. OCD is persistent, obsessive thoughts that rush through your mind, thoughts that you can’t control. It also causes extreme perfectionism and subsequent feelings of inadequacy. He may struggle with feelings that if he doesn’t do X, Y, Z to perfection, something bad will happen. I’d often have thoughts of family dying, of hurting someone, horrible thoughts that terrified me if I didn’t do X, Y, and Z just right.

       I’m not super clean, at all. I was a checker, since childhood-constantly checking the door to make sure its locked, the stove to ensure its off. I had weird routines (have to put shoes a particular way, for instance) that I developed in childhood due to bad home life (domestic violence from an alcoholic father).

       I really, really recommend medication to start. It will help with anxiety from OCD and relax him. Then, therapy to retrain the brain. I learned to use my “logical brain” to reason with my “emotional brain” and feel more in control.

       1. This.

          Also, gently, at 56 and without him actively addressing this (and even if he did, really), I’d be very realistic with my own expectations on how much this will change. While he should absolutely seek out help and a diagnosis, the best advice I can give, as the person who has the anxiety disorder/OCD, is to find acceptance for yourself that this is his baseline.

          1. OP here…thank you. I know he is not likely to change at this age…writing this out and getting some feedback that validates it is likely OCD has been very helpful. Thanks to you and all the other responders for the kind words today.

       2. OP here, thank you so much for sharing your experience. He does not have a diagnosis but he definitely has extreme perfectionism, needs everything to be organized and gets irritated when things get out of place. He is a checker although not obsessive….for years, he gets up in middle of the night to check the doors and make sure they are locked….I always thought this was in the category of being extra vigilant and about taking care of his family, but maybe this is OCD too……thank you

          1. Same OCD anon here- OCD makes you vigilant. The checking the doors is a classic sign. I really recommend he talk to his PCP as a starting point. He seems to check all the boxes for OCD. She/he probably can prescribe him an SSRI like Zoloft. Zoloft takes a few weeks to kick in. I started on a low dose, like 50 mg for the first month. I’d never been on any mental health meds before. Then, I went up to 100 mg and eventually found a sweet spot at 150. I took it for 6 years. I no longer take it. I think the medication was a tool to help the therapy absorb better, if that makes sense. I use the tactics from therapy daily.

             1. OP here…just curious what are the therapy tactics like for example?

             2. Other OCD poster – usually exposure therapy. Learning how to tolerate the fact that the doors may well be unlocked. . . if you don’t avoid stepping on the sidewalk crack, your loved one may die. At its heart, OCD is an avoidance pattern for anxiety. It lets you focus on something that feels solvable (even if it’s magical thinking) instead of something that causes anxiety that feels like too much to handle.

    8. Similar to 1:15 anon, I also have a diagnosis of OCD. I was put on Prozac and therapy and was astounded at the difference it made—behaviors that I had assumed were a “part of my personality” were actually symptoms that lessened with medication and therapy (extreme perfectionism, things like difficulty making decisions, racing thoughts, trouble dealing with last minute changes in plans, even procrastination). Just another voice saying that OCD doesn’t always look like the stereotypical presentation and it may affect more than meets the eye. I highly recommend seeing a therapist to begin and perhaps a psychiatrist.

       1. How bad did your symptoms get to make you go to seek medical care? I mean if your life is not disrupted do you really need therapy and drugs?

       2. Yes, drugs affect your brain and thus, change “your personality”. Just because a drug changes your personality doesn’t mean that the part of your personality that changed was a defect. It was more a normal reaction to whatever life situation you are in mixed with your genes and upbringing. You are kinda falling for the psycho hype.

          Be intellectually honest and say that you are taking a mind altering drug under a doc’s care to help you cope with life. Nothing wrong with that, as long as you accept what it is.

          1. OP here…this would be my extreme perfectionist husband’s reaction to the recommendation to take some drugs. My husband copes with life very well and is successful. He has extreme perfectionist tendencies that can be very annoying to close family members. At what point does one decide things are so bad they need to see a doctor for OCD behaviours?

             1. 3:13 anon again here. I think this is a framing/stigma issue. Your husband may not clearly “need” the medication and therapy—he sounds high functioning. However, in my experience at least, medication and therapy helped me to address some behaviors that I had that made life harder on myself unnecessarily (unnecessarily because there was a solution that I had been ignoring—medication and therapy).

                I think there is a stigma around seeking out mental health help unless you are really, really obviously sick. I waited to get help for a long time because of this stigma (thinking I wasn’t that bad, I didn’t “need” the help), and now that I am on the other side, I wish I had gone for help sooner just because I’m happier now. Therapists, psychiatrists and other professionals can provide really valuable guidance and help for people who aren’t super incredible sick but could use some help.

                Not sure if this helps. I think generally just framing mental health assistance as just seeing another doctor—not something that you need to be super mentally sick to do—would be helpful for your husband.

             2. Honestly, in just reading your original post, I can accept your husband the way he is. Why can’t the guests? He’s high functioning, was a professional chef, has a clean home…he wants things a certain way and gets a annoyed. Lots of men get annoyed with dumb things…In some ways, I feel like that is part of being a man. A lot of men who don’t do that have drinking problems…Like, there is always some sort of outlet. Why can’t people just let him be him?

             3. He’s in his 50s? My concern would be that all this would worsen as he ages — people aren’t known for getting more flexible and relaxed with age; they generally continue on the trajectory they are already on unless someone interrupts them or they make an effort to change.

                How is he going to cope with the anxiety and pressure of aging — will he double down and become impossible for himself and others to live with? I would see treatment as an investment in retirement.

          2. I’m the anon at 3:13. I am now off of the medication and have learned ways to handle my OCD symptoms without medication, which is going great! I was functioning at a high level without the medication, so I didn’t “need” it in the sense that I was living my life before both medication and therapy, but can honestly say I am much happier and relaxed having been on it (even though I am no longer on it now). Just wanting to point out to OP that a diagnosis and medication / therapy can be very helpful.

             1. Please don’t say anyone is to old to change or learn new things. My DH went for some therapy sessions at 59 for some issues he’s had since childhood and it helped him and us dramatically after less than 8 visits. It is not too late to change it up and learn new skills.

19. Has anyone ever had a wool coat completely relined, and roughly what did it cost? I’ve got a wool, thigh-length coat where the lining is basically falling apart. I was just going to get a new one, but I like the outer part of the one I have and am wondering if it’s worth just getting it relined (will probably stop by the tailor and ask, but they have annoying hours, so trying to get a rough estimate before I do that). Relatedly, does anyone have an opinion on the quality/fit of LL Bean’s classic lambswool polo coat? I live nowhere near an LLBean and they charge for return shipping, so I hate ordering stuff from them unless I think I’m going to keep it.

    1. As long as there is no stuffing between the liner and coat it’s essentially loosely sewing a fabric inside and shouldn’t cost that much – depending on your region, 100-200?

    2. I JUST got this coat in the mail last night and I’m in love with it. And today is the last day of their 25% off sale!

       1. Yes, the 25% off is part of the reason for my timing of this question:-) If it’s going to cost me $100-150 to reline, maybe I’m better off just spending the $185 and getting a new coat. Thanks, everyone!

    3. Yes, the 25% off is part of the reason for my timing of this question:-) If it’s going to cost me $100-150 to reline, maybe I’m better off just spending the $185 and getting a new coat. Thanks, everyone!

    4. I have the LLBean lambswool duffle coat, which is similar. I love it. It’s very comfortable and keeps me warm enough in NYC winters. I never feel like I need a warmer coat. I would say the quality is good. I wear a backpack that rubs my coat in very specific spots, so that obviously shortened the life of the coat (it made it very threadbare in patches where the backpack rubbed), but I still wore it daily for about 4 or 5 winters before I needed to replace it. I bought the exact same model since I liked it so much. It was still perfectly warm though and looked decent enough, so I was able to donate it! Definitely didnt feel cheap or “disposable” in any sense, unlike a lot of clothes today.

    5. I’m in Manhattan and recently called my local tailor with this exact question on a knee length wool coat. He said $200 because he sends it out and it’s done made to measure at a specialty place.

       1. But a new coat

    6. I got this done in Philly about five years ago and it cost me $75 IIRC?

       I had my jcrew lady day with thinsulate relined.

       Absolutely worth it. Wore the jacket for more than ten years

20. 15+ year lawyer who recently changed law firms. I have done extensive legal writing (pleadings, appellate briefs, demand letters, etc.) my entire career. I thought I was an above average writer. There is an older lawyer on my team who I very much admire. Older lawyer has expressed “pet peeves” regarding my use of indefinite pronouns, passive voice, and other grammatical issues. Is there a way to learn how to improve my grammar/writing at this advanced stage? Perhaps written resources? Either I’m getting dumber as I get older (seriously think this might be the case) or there were some holes in my education. Embarrassing either way!

    1. I would frame it to myself less as “improving my writing” and more as “writing in a style this partner prefers.”

    2. Grammerly?

       1. Checked it out – will download today. Thank you both!

21. This blouse is freakin’ gorgeous. Great pick.

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