This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.
Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
The Talbots Charming Cardigan has been a long-standing bestseller for the brand, but this pattern is something else. (H/t to Kat who saw this in a brick-and-mortar store and recommended it!) The pattern is gorgeous and would pair nicely with a navy sheath for a more formal office, or dark denim for a casual Friday.
If this print isn’t your thing, there are DOZENS of other colorways available, including both solids and prints:
The sweater is $99.50-$109 at Talbots and comes in misses sizes XS-XL, petite sizes P-XL, and plus sizes X-3X.
Anon
My doctor friends say if you know you want to be a doctor and nothing but that, then that is who should go to med school. That’s not me. But since COVID, I’ve been hiking and camping a lot and getting a lot of first aid training (NOLs classes). It’s been great and I have actually used what I’ve learned. I’m still nervous though and know that I need more knowledge and skills. I could take local BA to RN programs or also PA classes, but I don’t know what is a good next step or how to figure out which path. I might like to pivot jobs at some point (like to be a medical director at a camp or a more preferred general camp staff; I’m currently a 2/3 FTE accountant but looking to transition to something outdoor oriented in 10 years).
Anonymous
Have you looked into EMT training? Where I live you can get training and experience by serving with the volunteer rescue squad (our county does not have a professional fire/EMS department).
Anon
+1 to starting with EMT
Nesprin
+2 start with EMT- you’ll figure out pretty quickly if you like dealing with sick people and cost of entry is pretty minimal.
anon
When I did my WFR class recently, I was told if I did a regular EMT class locally, I could just call up NOLS and they’d send me a wilderness EMT certification because WEMT is just WFR + EMT.
Anon
My BIL got his EMT training and became a wildland fire medic. He doesn’t have a college degree. He also did ski patrol as a medic in the winters. Past tense because he suffered an injury, but he enjoyed it and made good money with very little entry.
Anon
I mean, if you have the ability to take a month off, you could do the NOLS WEMT certification. (I assume you’re already WFR certified, right?) That would allow you to pretty quickly transition to a wilderness medicine career.
Anonymous
If you just want training, do an EMT/ EMTII/ Paramedic course. See if that scratches the itch for you. I took the EMT course in college and worked as an on campus EMT, then later in life took it again and started working a ski patroller.
Anonymous
Maybe it would make sense to first try to do some informational interviews with camp staff to get a better sense of what training they have and need, and what their jobs are really like. I am guessing most have other jobs during the off season, and training for that might be more important. I don’t know if you have a partner or children or want to in the future, but if you do imagine having a family, you should also think about how you will make working at a camp feasible with your family life (e.g., would you need to relocate every summer?).
Anonymous
This sounds like an escapist fantasy
Anonymous
If OP doesn’t have kids or is willing to wait until the kids are older (and has a supportive partner), she could totally indulge this fantasy with a part-time or volunteer outdoor rescue position like ski patrol or mountain bike patrol. I majored in a field where a professional career is extremely unrealistic, gave it up for 20 years, and then got back into it on a volunteer basis when my kid was in high school. I “work” with a bunch of other adults who have day jobs and the same passion. My husband picks up the slack at home so I can go play at being a real [fantasy career] for a few hours three times a week and is proud to cheer me on and brag about his accomplished wife. I get to pursue my passion at a pretty high level while avoiding the stresses of the real profession. Not a bad deal at all.
Anon
Oh would love to hear what this career field is!
Anon
Yes, please share what this field is that you can engage in a few times a week!
Anon
What a snide comment. Why bother?
Work Phone
God forbid someone have dreams, right?
Anon.
Well, my neighbor was a single mom of two when she went to med school at age 35. Thinking about taking certification classes is not escapist.
Anonymous
+1
Anon
Ski patrol or SAR would be good. I’ve known many women who’ve done both in midlife.
Anon
In my area, all ski patrol and 95% of SAR is volunteer. In fact, ski patrol at my local mountain is not only volunteer but members have to pay dues!
Much like how outside of big cities too many firefighters are all volunteer.
Anon
My BIL did paid ski patrol in ID. He also injured himself skiing for fun (not while working) and needed back surgery, so…
Work Phone
Reach out to your local Community Emergency Response Team (CERT). They should have training opportunities and resources.
Anon
As a FEMA employee I love seeing CERT mentioned here :)
I’d also recommend volunteering with the Medical Reserve Corps
Anonymous
Just want to add that you should really explore the MSN path. One of my former college friends (undergrad was business) did this. The training was intensive for a couple of years, but she came out with an extremely high-paying job with TONS of flex and the ability to pretty much choose whatever location and type of nursing that interested her. She is always vacationing these days on amazing trips. It’s worth at least exploring since you already have an undergrad degree and could open to even more opportunities than an EMT.
Anon
Agree. Unfortunately, despite their training, pay for EMT’s is very low. It’s hard to tell if you are looking for a personal/professional side job or diversion, or full time work exit plan, but unless your COL Is very low, it is hard for many folks to make EMT work financially. One article I read said the average salary is something like $37K.
Anonymous
I think EMT makes more sense if she wants to volunteer or moonlight on the side.
Fallen
I am not a doctors but I changed a finance career for a clinician role (as a psychologist). It was a long hard path, and I changed early in my career. I have zero regrets bc it is a very meaningful, very lucrative career path (at least as private pay psychologist) and I imagine the parallels would be the same as an MD. With being said, I wish I knew how long it would take to get here and the process can be hard. And that seeing patients is meaningful but also HARD work – way harder than an office job. But then meaning/flexibility/money means I have no regrets. I imagine some of this is the same for an MD.
Anon
I’m sorry but this is a Florida Grandma cardigan.
Anon
I’m a grandmother, and it is too grandma for me.
Anon
Same here!
Anon
This plus navy sheath is very rich Atlanta grandma at a baptism.
Anon
But that is Ann Mashburn style, no?
FWIW, grandmas were adult women in the 1970s, which was IMO the best fashion (sort of the best of late 1960s in a washable suburban format). Like they dressed like Ali MacGraw in Love Story, which I am so here for.
anon
I actually wear a lot of Ann Mashburn and I’m 45, ha.
I do love me some Buckhead grandmas. Swan Coach House Tea Room is a fashion *scene.*. Not mine, but a scene nonetheless.
Anon
Tell me more about the Tea Room. I’m more of a dive bar diva, but I could step up my game for Buckhead Grandmas in the wild.
anon
Okay, it is the most Old Atlanta thing I have ever seen and that is saying a lot given my background. It’s behind the Atlanta History Center – it’s the former coach house for the Swan House – and only serves lunch/brunch. The food is like very traditional southern luncheon food – chicken salad, pimento cheese, etc. The frozen fruit salad is like something out of a time capsule, and is also incredibly delicious and not to be missed. It is always full of a combination of bridal showers/baby showers and Buckhead grandmas lunching after their various volunteer org meetings. They’re the kind of grandmas who wear, like, slacks and Chanel-type jackets in bright colors, or sweater sets, or Lilly Pulitzer dresses even just on a random Tuesday. That being said, if you eavesdrop it becomes clear that a lot of those ladies basically run Atlanta’s charitable/nonprofit sector…last time I was there a table of Ladies of a Certain Age were discussing initiatives to support women who need secure housing after leaving pr*stitution, so hats off to them.
Most of the waiters have worked there for decades, and there are incredible at hospitality. I rolled up there the first time I went in maternity leggings and a decidedly non-floral sweater, looking pretty out of place, and was treated beautifully. So it’s absolutely worth checking out and you don’t even have to borrow someone’s St. John blazer.
Anon
Same! Great pick! Love this – it’s pretty
Senior Attorney
Dang I keep learning about these expensive brands on here…
Senior Attorney
But… the cargigan above is too grandma for me, too.
Anonymous
But… the cargigan above is too grandma for me, too.
Cat
yup. My MIL would wear this to her local botanical garden and post on facebook like 15 selfies with flowers in the same colors (that you can’t really see bc they are selfies). (I love her, but she needs to step away from fb!)
Anonymous
This is part of why I don’t shop at Talbots.
Anon
This is why I stick to black, navy, and tan “business” items. They really are solid for suiting-type pieces in quality fabrics. And their shoes are really good (good Ann Mashburn clones).
Anon
Talbots can have some cute things! But not this.
towelie
+1
i don’t know any professional women who dress like this :(
Anon
My mid-90s grandma would rock this look all day long.
Anonymous
This is something my mom would wear. I love my mom, but I am trying to create the opposite of whatever aesthetic this is.
NY CPA
In contrast, I have a similar cardigan from Talbots from a few years ago (more watercolor-y flowers, but similar vibe) and receive lots of compliments on it!
Anon
I have one from BB two summers ago that is a stylized two shades of blue, black, and white floral, although it is clearly floral. I think maybe for yours and mine the difference may be between an abstract floral that reads more modern and actual flowers and leaves?
Anon
I’m 38 and I like it *hides* although a more watercolor-y version sounds even prettier!
Anon
It’s hideous.
Anon
Cross posted from mom’s page… New to be mom here…does breast pumping hurt? All I’ve seen online is that there is “discomfort” but I want to hear from women who have actually gone through it. I’m very averse to breastfeeding and I don’t want to do it at all. But I could be convinced to pump, as long as it doesn’t hurt.
Anonymous
I didn’t find pumping to hurt at all – I had an oversupply and it was honestly a relief usually. I felt better afterwards. While nursing is hard at the beginning, for many (most?) it gets easier as you go. But that said, if you don’t want to do it, don’t do it. You don’t get a prize for doing it. You don’t even get a “better” baby or anything.
Anon
Lawd, it hurts if you DON’T pump. Pumping is sweet relief. I cannot recall it hurting; nursed 2 kids and pumped at work for each after I went back.
Anonymous
I found it much less uncomfortable than nursing. My main issues were the logistics and the mess.
Senior Attorney
+1
But if you don’t want to breastfeed, don’t breastfeed. I know this is probably an unpopular opinion, but I feel like pumping to bottle feed is the worst of all worlds. So much hassle and you don’t even get the added skin-to-skin closeness of actually nursing.
Former Junior Associate
strong agree. I think the benefits of breastmilk (in its nutritive capacity, as compared to formula) are pretty minimal, and pumping to bottle feed seems like a bunch of work for pretty minimal benefit when you could spend a lot less time shaking up water and powder.
Anonymous
That was my opinion until formula shortages. Now I think pumping to maintain supply would be essential to my peace of mind if I had a baby but didn’t want to nurse.
Anon
I think this is a popular opinion actually. Pumping has always seemed like the worst of both worlds to me.
It is also much more time-consuming than exclusively breastfeeding. Babies are more efficient at getting the milk out, so you generally have to spend a lot more time pumping than nursing (even if you exclude setup/cleanup time, which is its own hassle). The people I know who exclusively pumped for newborn babies did it 10-20 times a day, and were basically never not pumping, preparing to pump or cleaning up from pummping. You could not pay me all the money in the world to do it. Formula all the way if I couldn’t or didn’t want to nurse.
Housecounsel
It’s been a long time but I do not remember any pain from pumping.
Anonymous
No, it didn’t hurt. I had poor supply and found pumping to be a relief. Kind of like when you have to pee really bad and finally get to go.
I did not enjoy the entire breastfeeding saga, though, and honestly only stuck with it because we were broke and formula was expensive.
Anon
I really enjoyed nursing but hated pumping. I also found that lactation consultants wildly over emphasized the idea of ‘n*pple confusion’. My baby was happy to nurse at night/first thing in the AM while still taking pumped or formula bottles during the day. It made my life easier to nurse right before work/bed vs. pumping and it gave me some nice cuddling time that I missed.
Anon
+1. Nipple confusion is a myth and baby-friendly hospitals banning pacifiers to promote breastfeeding are cruel. Pacifiers can give the mother some sweet relief in the first few few hours and they also reduce SIDS risk.
Anon
I have one kid who I thought would grow up to marry her pacifier. And she was definitely better at nursing than kid 1.
Anon
what’s funny is i delivered at a baby friendly hospital (though it did have a nursery), but had one kid in the NICU, where they give bottles and pacifiers…and many of the babies still go on to nurse without any issues. that confusion is such nonsense! I swear it’s to give the lactation consultants more business
Anon
I also hated pumping (was fine with nursing). It didn’t hurt, but I never got much out of it, it was tough to manage with my velcro baby, and kind of made me feel like a cow. I eventually gave in and combo fed which was totally fine and I would do it sooner with a second child.
Anonymous
This was also me. I found nursing miles easier than pumping. That said, I did visit a lactation consultant right at the beginning to get help to make sure things were working property. Latch is key. It might feel unusual but it shouldn’t hurt. I loved being able to go anywhere just tossing a few diapers and wipes in my purse vs figuring out how to deal with bottles and mixing and reheating.
Introduced a bottle at 4 months. Learned to nurse sidelying so DH could just bring me the baby at night and put her back so feeding wasn’t all on me. Barely had to open my eyes and definitely didn’t get out of bed on ‘his nights’ (we took turns getting up/changing diapers).
Do what works for you but neither pumping nor nursing should be painful – uncomfortable maybe occasionally as your body changes but hurting means something is wrong.
Anon
Agree with all of this, including nursing being way easier than pumping. When the baby wakes up at night and is crying, latching it onto your breast while still in bed is way quicker and less tiring than getting up and prepping a bottle, or holding flanges to pump.
Trixie
I understand that in Australia mothers/babies are encouraged to both bottle and br@ast feed before leaving the hospital…our focus on n1pple confusion is not shared in other countries.
Anon
Imho pumping didn’t hurt but breastfeeding WAS painful for the first 7-10 days and then was fine. Lactation consultants love to say ‘a proper latch doesn’t hurt’ but nursing a newborn 10-12 times a day is a LOT of friction on a sensitive area so that’s bull. Thank goodness my mom nursed (which was rare in her day) so she was able to talk me off the ledge of ‘omg this hurts and I’m doing it wrong!!’
I hated pumping and only did it for 7mos as my kid had serious allergies and it was easier/cheaper to nurse and pump vs. the super pricey allergen free formula. I stopped pumping not long after I went back to work as pumping was all of the annoyance and none of the joy of nursing. Also – fed is best! If you don’t want to pump OR nurse that’s fine!
A
slight discomfort but IMHO if you are not inclined to BF enjoy the sweet relief of formula and move on.
testrun
+1 I can’t BF for medical reasons but wasn’t particularly sad about it – formula worked great for us. Our preemie baby gained weight like a champ, my husband loved being able to feed her, and I loved being able to sleep while he did.
Senior Attorney
Oh, forgot about the benefit of dad being an equal partner in feeding!
Anon
I personally find nursing more comfortable than pumping but pumping is not painful. Both require some nipple adjustment initially (aka they will be tender and sore but should not be extremely painful). I’ve nursed/pumped for 2 children for 12 months each. If pumping is painful usually it’s because the wrong flange size is used.
Agree with others that regardless of whether you decide to pump and/or breastfeed, your milk will come in regardless. I’ve had 2 children and milk coming in was the worst part of pregnancy and childbirth for me (you get very engorged). Nursing or breastfeeding provides relief bc it reduces some of the engorgement. If you don’t plan on nursing, I would talk to your doctor about options to reduce your milk production post birth. I have heard some women use decongestants or other prescription medications. You may still need to pump a little to eliminate some of the engorgement.
testrun
I didn’t BF and my doctor advised me to definitely NOT pump/express any milk because it would make the milk continue to come in. I was very worried about engorgement, etc. but I was only a little swollen/uncomfortable for maybe 3-4 days (starting 4-5 days after birth – I had a c-section which can make milk come in later). I didn’t take any meds and just tried not to touch them/leave them under hot water in the shower too long. I did stick some cold cabbage leaves in my bra which seemed ridiculous but it was soothing. By a week postpartum they were fine.
Anon
If you have appropriate sized flanges (the part that goes over the breast; you don’t want it so large that you don’t get suction or so small that your nipples are squeezed. Most pumps come with a couple sizes) it shouldn’t hurt at all. You can also adjust the suction to be more comfortable
Anonymoose
Came here to say this. Pumping shouldn’t hurt. As others have said, it can be a drag with all the parts and the washing and the milk management, but it can also be a great break from your work day to sit quietly for 20 minutes away from other people. I’ve nursed/ pumped 6-12 months with all 4 of my kids and I always loved that part about it. And it was a means to an end. It helped prolong the amount of time I could nurse and enjoy the snuggles and ease of that.
Check out legendairymilk on IG. They are a great resource for all things nursing and pumping, and have tutorials on making sure the flanges are the correct size. Note that the ones that come with the pumps are often not the right sizes! They also help with how to set the suction and how to increase supply.
Also, if your nipples hurt from nursing or pumping, don’t be afraid to see a lactation consultant immediately! And go see another one after that if that one is not helpful! With my third, my nipples still hurt weeks after he was born and luckily I had the experience to keep pushing for answers and finally had him assessed and treated for a tongue tie, which cleared the pain up within hours.
Anonymous
Yes, a lot of women are smaller than the flanges provided by the pump makers. Also, I found that the free pump my insurance offered was more uncomfortable. It was worth it for me to upgrade to a higher level pump (I have Elvie original and Spectra 2). Lucie’s list has great pages discussing topics like pump selection and anything else baby gear related.
Anon Mom
I did not find pumping to be painful (certainly less painful than the first few weeks of breastfeeding – although in my case that was fixed with a visit to a good lactation consultant). And I would imagine it would help prevent engorgement which can lead to mastitis, which WAS painful.
No Face
Pumping doesn’t hurt, but I thought it sucked. I enjoyed nursing so pumping was a necessary evil to keep nursing going.
I would be a formula mom over an exclusively pumping mom hands down, but of course YMMV.
Anonymous
Same. Hated pumping, enjoyed the cuddles from nursing.
A
Same.
Anon
Ditto. Bfing was painful at first, but very convenient once I got the hang of it. And I enjoyed the time with my babies. Pumping was not painful but was not convenient. If I were to have another baby, I would combo feed nursing and formula, pumping for my convenience and comfort but using formula as the main supplemental milk source rather than a freezer stash of breastmilk (my babies rejected formula but I would introduce it earlier ). But don’t breastfeed or even pump if you don’t want to.
Anonymous
I see what you did there.
Anon
Same. You need a really good pump. It was always an issue for me getting enough milk out of pumping, so the pain was mental not physical.
But I loved BFing. It was really nice snuggle time with the baby. And made feeding the baby so easy to do when I was home with her. I suppose there was some discomfort at the beginning for BF’ing, but if it works for you, there’s no ongoing discomfort.
In the end, you’ve got this kid for life. How you feed them for first 3-12 months is a minor issue compared to all the other decisions you’re going to have to make.
Anonymous
+1 on the pump. The difference between a regular pump and a hospital grade pump that I rented was night and day. Flange size is also a huge factor in comfort.
anon
Same. Pumping was not painful but I hated everything about it. Nursing was much better. If you really don’t want to nurse, OP, I’d just go straight to formula.
Vicky Austin
Same. No shame in formula. Pumping can be a real slog.
Anon
Same. I was able to stop pumping around 6 months and continue morning/night nursing for another year, although it doesn’t work for everyone.
Anonymous
I don’t remember nursing or pumping ever being painful, even in the beginning, although I think problems with nursing in the very beginning that cause pain are pretty common. And you do need to get the right size flange for your nipples. Pumping is just a PITA and ignoble. It takes time, there are pump parts + bottles to wash, and then you are literally hooked up to a milking machine. But not painful at all if everything is working properly and you don’t have thrush or something.
Anon
It’s possible that it can hurt, maybe moreso if you have more elastic nipples. It’s not really mentioned much but everyone has differences in their connective tissue, which can impact things like breastfeeding and even the effects of pregnancy and vaginal delivery on your body. I personally did not find pumping to be comfortable and would not want to exclusively pump, but it also wasn’t horrible and I did still do it.
I think it’s hard to know how you’ll feel pumping until you can try it out. There are so many other factors that go into it – some people can pump effortlessly and for others, it takes practice to even get a few ounces. Pumping is somewhat of a learned skill for many people and in the beginning you will likely have to pump frequently (like every couple hours) to establish your milk production. With my first kid I pumped every night to save extra milk and it was probably a good month or two until I got more than a couple ounces out of it. If you’re very averse to breastfeeding and don’t have strong feelings about breastmilk, I’d give it a big meh. It’s a lot of work to exclusively pump. Get the pump from your insurance, maybe try it once or twice just to see, but formula is also an excellent way to feed baby.
LawDawg
I appreciate that you want answers, but the only real answer is that every woman is different. I was indifferent to breastfeeding, but for some reason both of my kids latched easily and I had no pain. I ended up bfing and pumping for a year for each of them. Loved the convenience of always having food for them with me (in me). I also saw friends and relatives who had very painful, frustrating experiences and exclusively bottle fed. You will find that with this, and so many other things about having kids, you will need to trust your gut and go with the flow of what works for you, your partner, your kid, etc. Good luck!
nuqotw
+1. It really varies, even by baby. As they say, fed is best. You will figure out what works for you. Pumping takes some getting used to but I never found it painful or even uncomfortable.
As anon 9:26 said above pumping is sometimes sweet relief. IME this especially true when the baby is a handful of days old and your milk comes in all at once and the baby is still learning to eat.
In our case: I supplemented with formula in the first week or so until my milk was fully in and the baby was starting to latch more easily. Both kids preferred to nurse, all other things equal. If not for that preference, I might not have kept up with pumping because it was time consuming. We had one kid who loved to eat in general and was happy from the get go to have a bottle of pumped milk or formula. We had one kid who wanted to nurse, and only to nurse, and at first only to nurse where I slept: any other feeding option was apparently a moral affront to baby dignity. When I went back to work, the kid came around to a bottle of pumped milk (but not formula) and continued to refuse a bottle whenever I was around.
Anonymous
Every mother and every baby is different. 3 kids and 3 wildly different experiences.
anon
I exclusively pumped for my twins for 6 months (with formula supplementing). We tried nursing for about 4 days but they were very slow eaters and I absolutely couldn’t hack tandem nursing, so I ended up pumping so that they could each have a bottle as needed. It posed some challenges because I was literally tethered to the pump during those sessions, so I had to do it when I either had another adult around or when I could leave the babies in a crib or other baby holding receptable for the full session. Ultimately I felt like it worked for us. I didn’t hate pumping–and this was with 10-years-ago pumping technology–but it was a big commitment. I feel like it helped a bit with sleep training that the babies weren’t used to getting milk from the source, so they didn’t expect milk from me during the night if I had to tend to them. My husband was very pro-bottle (he would have voted for all formula from the get-go but I wanted to try pumping) so that he was equally equipped to feed our hungry babies, which was also a plus to me.
anon
Pumping wasn’t painful. Breastfeeding also wasn’t painful. But pumping is breastfeeding on hard mode. If you don’t want to breastfeed, don’t do it. But then I’d suggest just doing formula and saving yourself the annoyance.
I had to exclusively pump for the first three months while my little premie was in the NICU and then growing large enough to suck hard enough to actually transfer milk. It was…ok. Especially when he was the NICU, my only real job was pumping, so that was fine. But pumping is WAY more of a drag than nursing. You have to put all the parts together. Then get set up to pump. Then take it all apart, put the milk away, and then at some point you have to wash all the pieces. We had a million sets and it was still so annoying. When you have an actual baby at home that you need to take care of who wants to be held most of the time because they are a newborn and that is what newborns want, having a pump in your way is extremely annoying.
When we finally were able to switch over to exclusively breastfeeding at 3 months I was so excited, because it meant that I didn’t have to deal with all the faffing of pumping. I continued to breastfeed in the morning and before bed while pumping during the day at work from months 5-10. After that I couldn’t stand pumping anymore and just pumped morning and night and did formula. Pumping SUCKS. But not because of pain.
Vicky Austin
Not if you’re doing it right. Experiment with flange sizes and read the manual so you’re using the settings right (I used the settings on my pump backwards for two solid weeks before figuring it out!).
Josie P
I found pumping fine. Not uncomfortable, just weird. I really loved nursing though – my babies ate more straight from the source and it was much more comfortable, plus cuddle time. I kept it up for 22 months with the first 2 and 26 months with the 3rd.
Seventh Sister
I didn’t think it hurt, but honestly, it was extremely tiring. If I had to do it all over again, I would have nursed through maternity leave and not pumped at all. Once I stopped pumping, I wasn’t as physically exhausted all the time, even though my kids were still babies (9mos and 6mos). And FWIW, they are teenagers now and perfectly healthy. Their grades are just as good and they are just as cute as the kids who never got a drop of formula.
Anon
Pumping should not hurt. If it does, it’s usually that the suction is turned up too high or the wrong size flanges are being used. Any IBCLC can help with both of those problems. Kelly mom website is a good resource for all types of breastfeeding questions. FWIW, exclusive pumping can be a lot of work and I found just getting the hang of breastfeeding with the help of a lactation consultant was easier for me. That said, it’s not all or nothing. I had to supplement with some formula with both kids fora little bit. Overall, fed is best – meaning whatever works for your family breastfeeding, pumping,formula, or some combo of that, what matters is baby is fed, growing, and loved. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself. Good luck!
Housecounsel
I admire when stylists (and regular people) mix patterns skillfully. This ain’t it.
Nora
There was a post yesterday about a possibly neurodivergent employee, and some of the responses were high on the “do not assume anything and treat them any differently”.
The thing, people anyways receive information and feedback differently and that needs to be adjusted of, ND or NT. Also, if its a situation like this where the more commonly given feedback wouldn’t necessarily get through to someone whose brain doesn’t work that way, isn’t it better to find a way to share info that takes into account what might work differently for the person?
Maybe I’m thinking about it wrong. But I’m in a situation where if I follow that advice my employee will definitely “not get it” and be fired . . which doesn’t seem ideal either.
Anon
That poster was guessing about ND and you might be too. The point isn’t don’t give feedback or try different methods, it’s don’t assume a disability is the issue. In you case, if method A isn’t working then try something else.
Anon
People were just being silly and assuming that the idea was to arm chair diagnose somebody.
The whole concept of neurodiversity is that people are different, there are statistical outliers, and it’s not even always something that has or needs a diagnosis. It is however flat out wrong to assume that everyone thinks and communicates the same way, and treating everyone the same is actually more inequitable than not (as schools have been working out).
It is totally fine to gain understanding and alternative communication and mentoring options for learning from what has worked for other people. Thinking “this person may be ND” isn’t arm chair diagnosing; it’s something more analogous to cultural competency. It’s definitely better than a lot of the thoughts people think when they can’t recognize difference!
Nora
Right I’m not arm chair diagnosing or treating him differently or saying anything to him – I’m just thinking that some of the differences that are coming off as just rude or clueless may be ND and maybe XYZ (that has helped other this-type-of-ND people) might help.
Anon
I have one kid on the autism spectrum and I would also add that if you have one neurodivergent employee, what works for them will not necessarily work for the next neurodivergent person. So you may need as many approaches as you have employees (unideal) or just modify as needed, which you may do anyway in general.
Anon
Let people come to you to describe what they need. They don’t have to disclose details to say “I work best with visual information.” It’s very creepy to armchair diagnose people and put them in those boxes, which will shape your perceptions of their abilities even if you don’t realize it.
Anon
“Some people work best with visual information” is completely fine information to have as a manager. “Some people miss sarcasm.” “Some people don’t take hints and need explicit feedback.”
Not every employee has already worked out what to ask for, and people are put into boxes regardless. Often with there’s a miscommunication across unrecognized differences, the “box” someone gets put in is a box like “insubordinate” or “incompetent” when they thought they were working hard and doing the right thing, and when they’re competent and willing to do the actual right thing if the communication obstacles can be cleared.
Nora
Yeah people don’t always know to ask for specific things, or to say “I work best with visual information”. And this employee is definitely being put in other boxes.
Anon
Then they need to learn because other people aren’t mind readers.
Anon
In a miscommunication, neither person is a mind reader. There is a bunch of research on the so-called “empathy gap” where misunderstandings are made by both parties. ND and statistical outlier people are already studying the majority and accommodating them very extensively, but it’s not surprising that sometimes it takes some effort from both sides of the gap.
Anonymous
The problem here is that the employee doesn’t even know that they are missing anything and therefore doesn’t know what to ask for. The manager needs to manage.
RiskedCredit
+1 As a manager sometimes you need to have the hard conversations. I’ve had a few in my career and it was really hard at the time but I felt so rewarded for doing the hard work when the employee did the work and had a breakthrough which benefited them both personally and professionally.
Anonymous
Of course you should still individualize your feedback. If the employee doesn’t get what you are saying, you need to try a different tactic. If you are stuck it can’t hurt to look up and try some strategies for managing ND people because many of these strategies also work for NT people. My husband and I do not have ADHD but we naturally “invented” for ourselves many of the organizational strategies that work for folks with ADHD because offloading demands on executive function makes life easier for everyone.
Nora
This is basically all I’m getting at . . . sometimes if it seems like a ND thing it can be helpful to look at strategies that are recommended for managing ND people even though he hasn’t told me, because it might help.
I do think some of those strategies would feel stifling for others, so its always a know-your-audience thing.
Anon
I think you’re losing the D in ND. There’s not a one size fits all method. You have to try different things.
anon
My take is that when you get in certain fields and at certain levels, everyone is neuro-divergent at some level because you have to see the world differently to rise to those levels. But, because we are all at least cusp-millennials or gen-x adjacent, most of it is just identified as “quirks” – and we don’t necessarily use labels. What I took away from the post yesterday, was that the poster was recognizing that the subordinate was not willfully ignoring feedback and looking for ways to help the person. I take that as a net positive, and would encourage them to not so much focus on the label but what does the person need to help succeed. I was too late reading last night to post – but I’d encourage that person to sit down with them before emails go out and work through how to focus on the big picture. This is the same training you need to do with any new person.
Nesprin
I gave one of the high don’t assume and don’t treat them differently responses- I think you’re both underestimating the employee and overestimating the quality of feedback.
Be explicit in what you need and why, make sure your employees understand that feedback, and if they don’t get it, change your feedback to a way that works for them. If you’re doing this well, it should work for all your employees, irrespective of disability.
Treating someone differently because you believe they have a disability is a great way to get sued.
Anonymous
Fun one (hopefully): I’m asked to bring a “characteristic fun snack or two from my country” to an international meeting of mostly Europeans. What screams quintessential American snack/junk food (and is not common in Europe)? There will be ~20 people so hopefully something that has small pieces so everyone can try a handful or whatever.
Doritos? Takis? Reese’s Pieces?
Anon
Go with the Reese’s pieces. Very hard to find in Europe in my experience and everyone loves them.
Anon
Also, Cheetos.
Anon
Cheetos was my though. The regular ones and also one of the weirdly flavored ones.
Thistle
not sure where in Europe you are heading but we get Cheetos and doritos in supermarkets in the UK.
Anon
+1 one of my best friends has lived in France for years and her number one request when I mail things is Reese’s pieces. Apparently you can’t buy them in Europe.
Anonymous
Reese’s Pieces seem easy to carry, but I do love pirate booty puffs or tortilla chips (I guess you can’t carry in salsa/guac).
Anonymous
The unusual varieties of things like m&ms. We get normal, peanut and maybe crunchy here but not mint (sigh!) or any of the crazy flavours. Or Hershey kisses, Cheetos or twinkies.
Anon
Almond and caramel m&ms are amazing.
I’ve also had expat colleagues ask me to bring over the packets of ranch and old el paso taco seasoning, apparently those are almost impossible to get overseas.
Anon
In my experience of doing this with a bunch of European colleagues the biggest hits have typically been Oreos in flavors they can’t get overseas (the mint ones are my personal faves) and peanut butter cups – the Trader Joes ones in dark chocolate are scary good. If the age of your group is younger my 20-something European colleagues always ask for Sour Patch kids (especially the various flavors like watermelon) or Sweedish Fish.
Anon
I’m in the SEUS and the mini Moon Pies have gone over well. They are like American Tim-Tams.
Anonymous
My European colleagues love the individually wrapped Reese’s cups and sour patch kids.
Anokha
No suggestions, but I love this as a fun activity! My Japanese coworker brought green tea kit kats to a meeting and I still think about them.
Anon
i agree. this sounds quite fun.
Anon 2.0
If you has an asian market in your area they might carry these! We have a locally owned store that sells lots of fun things like this!
Anonymous
Oreos are great. That’s our go-to and it’s always a hit. Most are vegan, gluten free, and dairy free so you don’t have to worry about many dietary restrictions, and you can’t get all the fun flavours in Europe (or even in Canada).
anon
Why is it scary to think that oreos are vegan/gluten free/dairy free…. what the heck are they made out of ….
Anonymous
This is a really odd comment. Plenty of people have no choice but to eat with gluten or dairy restrictions and there are lots of great options that are not weird or scary. Especially for little kids it’s such a relief when they can have a ‘normal’ childhood treat like their friends.
I was wrong on the gluten though- you can buy a gluten free version but the ‘regular’ ones are not gluten free. Gluten free ones, like most gluten free stuff, uses rice flour.
Most packaged cookies use some combo of vegetable oil and/or modified milk ingredients. Oreos don’t have the butter/modified milk ingredients so they are vegan and dairy free.
anon
As someone that is lactose intolerant, I was VERY upset when McDonalds switched to using milk again in its ice cream 15+ years ago.
Anon
I like Oreos and Doritos and Twinkies. Cracker jacks are also classic.
Sunshine
Rice crispy treats? I just made some and they’re so easy.
anon
Kinda a pain to travel with, unpackaged…
Anon
You can buy packaged ones though. I don’t know if other countries have them.
Anonymous
Do people actually eat Takis? I’ve never seen them outside the gas station shelves.
OP
Haha no idea! I just thought they might be an amusing American novelty item. But maybe I should choose something more reliably tasty…
Thanks everyone so far for suggestions :)
Mpls
I am American and have no idea what a Taki(s) is. From the Upper Midwest. So…might be quintessential to your local area (which is fine!) just not the whole US.
Anon
I think Takis are originally a Mexican snack food (the parent company of the brand is hqed in Mexico) and are now in the US in areas with Mexican heritage presence. I’ve eaten them in Chicago and my kid and his friends like them.
Ses
Takis are weirdly popular in my corner of the UK
Anonymous
Tune in tomorrow: we’ll talk about rap snax
Moose
Texan here, people LOVE them.
Anon
Puppy chow? Schoteroos?
FWIW, I have lived in the US my entire mid-40s life and have never knowingly encountered Takis until this thread.
Senior Attorney
Same. Takis neophyte here.
Anonymous
I have seen them a lot recently but assumed they were an import from somewhere else.
Anon
They are; they’re Mexican. Increasingly common in the US in areas with large Mexican populations, but weird imo to bring as a “USA snack” since they originate in a different country.
Sasha
Anything with peanut butter–so seconding the Reese’s Pieces/Cups or maybe mini nutter butter cookies. PB isn’t common outside the US and when you can find it it’s so expensive (In a moment of desperate cravings I once bought a regular two pack of Reese’s Cups for 7 euros!)
Anonymous
European here.
I think Reeses something would be great: Peanut butter is not a big deal here, and as a snack it’s unusual. Yes, there is Snickers’s, but those are marketed as trail snacks to save your life more than candy.
Weird popcorn. Popcorn in general is a kiddie thing here, with lightly salted the only version. Corn, oil and solt = European popcorn, any sort of flavour will be a novelty, butter included.
Thinks like skittles, nerds, m&ms – anything where the food colouring used in the US is banned in Europe, might be fun.
RiskedCredit
Girl Scouts thin mints, twizzlers and reeces pieces or the cups. Having said that my nephews beg me for Kraft Mac and cheese!
Anon
Peanut butter anything. Rest of the world hates it.
Anon
For.about a 6 week period earlier this year, DH behaved terribly toward me (getting easily upset over small mistakes, giving me the silent treatment, lots of complaints, slamming doors, etc). When I confronted him, he said it was because I was not doing stuff for him or wanting to spend one-on-one time with him, but still seeing friends for coffee or wanting to go to church things, etc. That seemed inaccurate, so when I dug deeper, it sounds like he was (and is) unhappy with his job, where he’s worked for years and has basically outgrown. He apologized and I accepted the apology. The last few weeks have been better, but I feel like I’m still walking on eggshells, trying to avoid social outings with people I don’t need to see, offering to help him with his chores, and thinking a lot of things he did or said during that time and it’s still upsetting me and occasionally making me depressed or anxious. How do I move forward and not dwell on the past? We’ve been married for 20 years, have 3 teenagers, and never had this happen before (although he’s hated some aspect of his job for as long as I can remember).
Anonymous
Therapy
Anonymous
This should not be on you! It is up to him to make amends properly if he wants to repair your relationship. You, on the other hand, should continue to do the social things that fill your cup and don’t let yourself get isolated.
Anon
This exactly.
Anon
+1
He needs to get over himself.
Vicky Austin
+1 this is good advice. He apologized, you accepted it; that means the matter between you is closed.
I would journal about it; I’ve been finding that really helpful lately. And rather than walk on eggshells, I would try to focus on doing positive things towards your relationship with him. Offer that one-on-one time. If it’s rejected, well, that’s a him problem.
Walnut
Is he job searching? That seems like the obvious solution here.
OP
He is not in part because he’s very loyal to his boss, who has been good to him and is planning to retire in the next few years. He wants to stay until his boss retires and then maybe start his own business after that. Over the years, he’s gotten a lot of raises and some of this is just golden handcuffs.
Anon
I guess if that were my spouse I’d tell him he cannot both be so miserable that he becomes mean and stay in his job.
Anonymous Grouch
Write out the things he said/did that you are thinking about. That will help you not forget them if you need them, without having to ruminate to “remind” yourself. Honestly it sounds to me like the job dissatisfaction thing is a diversionary tactic. Was there any business travel or events around that time where he might have hooked up with a co-worker? Even without it being a long relationship, just a spontaneous one-night thing, he is probably feeling bad about it, doesn’t want to blow up his marriage by confessing, but can’t help from projecting and punishing you instead of himself. (My mind mind goes to this because I watched a friends DH alternate between acting like a petulant child “you don’t like me…” and a jealous lunatic who would accuse her of cheating. When he was the one cheating).
Anon
+1,000. This sent my alarm bells off for cheating too. The behavior in general sounds like someone who is or has cheated, and even more so that both his excuses sound fake and like he was searching for something.
OP, stop walking on eggshells ASAP and live your life freely. It’s abusive and controlling for him to make you feel small. Second, you have every right to be upset, and I would continue to vocalize what hurt you and why. It sounds like he hasn’t taken accountability or truly yet made amends, and he needs to start.
Anonymous
I’m 20 years married and feel like this is some really bad advice. Keeping a running list of what irked you is a good way to never move past things and keep score. You talk it out and move on. Instead of focusing on whether it’s job stress or whatnot, I’d bring things to the here and now. How is he treating you currently? Is the eggshell feeling a him thing or a you thing? Him giving silent treatment or being short–you point out the behavior and how it is making you feel. He can be miserable with his job (or not) but it isn’t license to be snippy to you. I wouldn’t assume an affair absent any actual signs of an affair. That sounds like a recipe to only make things feel worse by bringing in jealousy or insecurity. Don’t stop seeing friends. But do try to schedule some more fun time together since that’s what the issue apparently started as. And encourage him to do things with friends, too. I don’t care how often my husband is hanging out with his friends so long as I know I’m getting enough attention from him and have time with my own friends (no one wants to feel like the one holding the fort down).
OP
This is all very helpful, thank you. I think the difficulty with the friend thing is that I’m an extrovert and I’m on two nonprofit boards, like to volunteer for things and have a lot of acquaintances but he really hates socializing so he’s mostly at work, home, gym or is reading something while at home and is perfectly content with that. I don’t try and change any of that – Senior Attorney’s advice on people not being improvement projects has resonated with me for years – but I do think that him not having other friends or outlets is part of the issue. E.g., I’m the sole person he vents to on a regular basis so I bear the brunt of his snippiness.
Senior Attorney
You are not required to put up with abuse, just because he has no other outlets. Send him to therapy by himself.
go for it
Senior Attorney is spot on!
AnonNL
The ‘write it down’ reminded me of a recent family story. My mom had 2 sisters [let’s call them Sister A and Sister B] and the 2 sisters had an epic argument and didn’t speak to each other for 20+ years. Few years back, one Sister A wanted to make amends and called Sister B. Sister B listened to the apology and then she told Sister A she will never forgive her and started quoting things from like 5 letters they have exchanged 20y ago. Long story short, they never reconciled and both died two years ago.
Please, don’t keep a list. Don’t feed your anger. Have an open discussion with your husband and if needed, therapy is always an option.
Anonymous Grouch
I will argue back about keeping some notes. (FWIW, I’ve been married 25 years). The first part of writing things down is so you can stop thinking about them. You don’t have to keep remembering so you don’t forget. I’ve used this tactic myself a few times, and have found it helpful. You don’t need to go back to the notes constantly, just put them away and go on with your life.
That said, they will be helpful the next time your DH starts to act like this. It’s easy to forget or gloss over things, or discount or mis-remember your feelings. Don’t ignore yourself in this way. It might help you notice a pattern. Is it after work trips? Is it after you’ve socialized with a specific person? It’s not “keeping score” to try to help yourself figure something out.
FWIW I’ve had plenty of jobs I hated, and certainly vented to my DH about them, but have not reacted by acting put out that he has friends, etc. Maybe I’m just a better person than OP’s DH, but her description of his mood and actions just screams “affair” to me.
OP
Yeah, I kind of knew that people on this board with suspect an affair, but I know for certain that that’s not the case. DH basically has zero social life and barely talks to anyone. The pattern is that there was a rough period at work while he was also experiencing a health issue which required him to follow a pretty restrictive diet.
Anon
He needs to work on mending the relationship.
Next time he’s on a restricted diet, make sure he’s getting enough nutrition… I’ve learned the hard way that medical teams sometimes don’t help proactively enough with this (and I don’t know what is health issue is, but if blood sugar was involved, if steroids were involved, etc. the symptoms of blood sugar swings, blood pressure swings, steroids rage, and malnourishment can be really rough to manage).
I remember when my husband was bringing home a lot of toxicity from one job with abusive management, and I think some people here would have said “affair” or “DTMFA.” I’m not defending his outbursts, some of which were quite hurtful and distressing to me, but that was 10+ years ago, and it hasn’t been an issue since he quit that job. He socializes more now too. I did send him to therapy though it was kind of meh, but his medical team has stepped up on his health issues since then too.
Anonymous Grouch
Glad to hear it! And I totally get being cranky when work problems and a restricted diet collide! He should still not take it out on you.
NaoNao
Honestly, so many women point to the lack of social life and “introversion” as the reasons a husband would never have an affair. But he met and married you, right? So he managed to break out of the shell long enough to date, court, and marry you. Even the shyest, most homebody man has a way of figuring out how to meet women and make an affair happen if they’re motivated.
I’m not saying that’s the case, but “I’m giving you the silent treatment because you’re going out because I hate my job where I love my boss and am determined to stay” feels like so much BS.
It could absolutely be just a rough patch where he didn’t use great coping mechanisms and is what I call “emotionally illiterate” where he can’t tell who exactly he’s mad at.
But having to “process” with him his very crap treatment of you as his amateur therapist when you are the wronged party is not cool, IMHO.
Anonymous
+10,000
Senior Attorney
I was married to a guy who behaved like this as a matter of course, and I am here to tell you that egghells/accommodation is not ever going to get you what you want. It will only embolden him and teach him that this kind of bad behavior works to get him what he wants.
I also have a strong sense that the excuse about the job is him telling you some plausible story and that it’s extremely likely that there is something else going on, whether it be an affair or something else.
I STRONGLY suggest you move on with your life as normal, with friends, church, and so on. Go to therapy with him if he will go and (this is a big “and”) he is not abusive during the therapy sessions (blaming you for his bad behavior — therapy with an abuser is always contra-indicated and the behavior you descriped in your first sentence is definitely abusive). You may want to consider getting therapy yourself to help figure out hiow to move forward.
None of this is your fault and if it persists I would absolutely consider whether I wanted to stay in the marriage.
go for it
+1 Senior Attorney for the win!!!!
Anon
If you stop walking on eggshells, what happens?
It’s okay if it takes some time – whenever I find myself wondering “how to get over XYZ faster”, I try to spend a few weeks just observing the trend – am I on average less affected less often? if so, I don’t stress about whether I need to be “faster” or what the “normal” timeline is. If I am stuck at the same place over time or feel like it’s getting worse, then that’s the signal for getting some outside help or otherwise trying a new approach.
Anon
It’s definitely not just work, if he’s been there for years and just grumpy for the last six weeks. I could see a medical issue/diet being the proximate cause. That still doesn’t make it ok. It doesn’t sound like he gave a really comprehensive apology, and you can certainly revisit it. “Hey, when you said such-and-such the other week, it really hurt my feelings. I know things were off, but it just felt mean.”
Anonamoose
Any recommendations for a wellness resort for a long weekend? My sister and I will be traveling from Houston and Atlanta. We want good food, a nice spa, and nice places to chill/relax. The goal is to not leave the resort the whole trip. I’ve never done a trip like this so would welcome others suggestions! TIA!
Anon
Ojo Santa Fe Spa and Resort!
Mantra Magic
I second this. I went once and I keep fantasizing about going back!
Anon
Miraval in Tucson.
Anon
+1
Anon
Before getting married, did you and your now-spouse combine finances in any way? Sharing a credit card, setting up a joint savings account, etc. I’m going to talk to my financial advisor but am curious to hear from the women on this board. What impacted your decision to combine or not combine part of your finances, like whether you live together, income disparity, length of your relationship, or shared goals like buying a house?
Anon
We did not combine anything prior to marriage. It seemed like a hassle for no benefit.
Anon
Same.
Anon
Same. Although we got married 3 years after meeting and 2 years after moving in together; so it wasn’t like we were carrying on for decades with separate finances.
Anon
We began the process of combining when we moved in together after college. We had no money and cobbled together what we did have to put down a security deposit and first month’s rent. We also set up a joint checking account with contributions based on income. Over time, it evolved naturally into 100% combined, except for 401Ks. I’d never do it any other way now.
Sunshine
Absolutely not! We combined after we were married, and that has worked well for us. Pre-marriage, you have no legal relationship. If you have combined finances before you marry and you break up or the other person dies suddenly, you have a huge financial mess and you could get really screwed. If you need a common account for joint living expenses, then contribute a specified amount to the account each month. That will be your full financial exposure if the relationship ends for some reason.
Anon
No.
Anon
Absolutely not.
Anonymous
Heck no! We split rent/household expenses, but paid from our separate accounts. We set up a joint account once we got married (maybe even a few months before the wedding?) but we still keep separate accounts too. We each contribute the bulk of our incomes to our joint account, but we have a few hundred dollars each month deposited to our own accounts too. I like to go out to lunch/get a fancy coffee more frequently and that’s my own business.
Anon
Ha! We do this too and that’s literally my reason/spending habits! I get my overpriced coffee and lunches, my husband gets his unnecessary tech gadgets and both of us get the bliss of not seeing how much those pleasures are costing us.
Cat
No
Anon
We did not combine finances, but got a shared credit card and checking account once we moved in together. All joint expenses went on the credit card, so we didn’t have to worry about paying each other back. Then, each month, we would each transfer half of what was needed to pay the credit card bill and rent. I was not willing to actually combine finances before getting married.
Anon
This
anonshmanon
this, we just did what was convenient to split expenses when we moved in together, but didn’t join assets.
anon
We did while we were engaged and dealing with pulling money from various pots for wedding payments. We started by tracking everything jointly together in one mint account, and treating it as one pot. We didn’t actually move any of the money around, so it left us with our own accounts officially, but we started to treat it as our money. Up till that point we’d be scrupulously tracking all our shared expenses in splitwise and it just seemed ridiculous.
After we got married, we started to deal with moving towards a single checking account, joint savings accounts, etc. But we didn’t wait because we weren’t married yet. We waited because all that stuff is a pain and we only had enough bandwidth for wedding related logistics until after the wedding.
Anon
We got on the same cell phone plan (but we were in our 20s and had still been on our parents’). We did move in together after we were engaged, so stopped the tit-for-tat splitting of bills then, but did not do anything official until we were married
JTM
My now-husband and I started a joint checking account when we were engaged and living together – we’d contribute to the joint account to pay living expenses as well as wedding expenses. After we got married we’ve continued with the his/hers/outs account, but most of our money goes into the ours account for household expenses and things for our kids.
Anon
This is our set-up too.
Josie P
Yes, we did both (bank acct and credit card) when we moved in together. We then bought a house as JTROS the following year, and got married the year after that. Neither of us had any money and we were 22 and 25 when we got together, 23/26 when we moved in together.
Anon
Large income/asset disparity (F finance vs M education). Did not live together or combine finances before marriage. But did discuss finances. Combined after we got home from honeymoon. Opened joint checking, Paid off his small car loan and we’ve had a great approx decade of growing our family and assets together. Highly recommend YNAB budget app. Best wishes!
Anonymous
I’m married and we still don’t have combined finances. He’s been unemployed since shortly after we got married so I haven’t wanted to combine. I added him to one of my credit cards so he can take care of house stuff. We also have a joint bank account where our tax refunds are deposited but I don’t put any other funds in there. I considered using the joint account to pay joint bills, but since I’m paying all the bills anyway, it seems like an unnecessary headache for me to have to monitor two accounts and make sure they’re both sufficiently funded. L
Anonymous
Married 15+ years, and we still keep things separate (and have a prenup that we both find equitable). Fights about finances in our marriage? ZERO.
Senior Attorney
No, and in fact it took a while to combine after we married because we each had our systems in place and it was kind of a hassle. We set up a joint checking account right away but, for example, it literally took half a day on the phone to get all our insurance with the same carrier so things like that took longer to put in place. We still have the bulk of our assets in our own separate names/trusts, with each other as the beneficiary except my daughter is also a beneficiary of some of my assets. All the credit cards are separate with each other as authorized users.
We didn’t live together before marriage so no reason to combine before then. Pre-marriage we informally traded off things like dinners and outings, and for big things like vacations we kept a tally and settled up at the end.
Anon
Well we bought a house together before we got married so, certainly. But we didn’t (and still don’t) have any joint accounts.
Anon
We did not. We lived together for about a year before getting married. I made significantly more than he did so I paid something like 80% of the rent and then we split utilities and groceries etc 50/50. We just didn’t worry about little purchases. (Would highly recommend managing income disparities this way! It felt fair because we both paid proportionally to our income but without being constantly in our face.). We had joint goals like travel and a down payment and just individually saved for them (again, proportionally to our income).
Lady jacket
Has anyone seen any “lady” jackets available in plus sizes? I love the look of them, but haven’t found any I love in my size. I’ve checked all my usual suspects, but not finding anything. I tried the one from J.Crew factory but the fit wasn’t right, so returned it.
Anon
H&M goes up to XXL and they have some in a similar style although I haven’t tried them.
Anonymous
Regular J Crew sizing runs bigger than Factory. Go there first. I’ve been living in the lady cardigans as well. Talbots had some good options last fall as well but haven’t shopped recently.
Not lady style, but my other go-to places when shopping for jackets lately have been Eloquii and Nordstrom. By far my most flattering jackets lately have been from Good American if you can believe it. They do a nice long jacket that nips the waist. Not lady style, but still really on trend at the moment.
Anon
Any experience with Poetry (poetryfashion.com)? I’m slightly in love with their entire collection, but wondering about fit, quality, etc. And do they ever have sales?
Anonymous
My mother wears a lot of Poetry and likes the quality a lot. She gave me two shirts recently and the quality is very nice, though I will never wear them because these specific pieces are very unflattering to me
Anonymous
I find their clothes horribly frumpy.
Anon
OP here. Thank you for your contribution, will definitely keep your opinion top of mind.
Anonymous
I’ve ordered from them – the quality is good.
No sales that I’m aware of – every now and then they mark stuff down
NYC Librarian
Poor quality: I bought some linen tops and hand washed them, yet they developed holes within a year. I expect more from a high priced brand.
NYNY
I was looking at some of their sweaters and tee shirts yesterday and came here to ask the same thing! I am in love with this top:
https://www.poetryfashion.com/product-RC28-POATT/colour-c-green-white/tshirts-tops/striped-linen-jersey-top.htm
Anon
I adore linen jersey.
NaoNao
I like the idea of them, but the actual execution of their pieces is a touch on the Chico’s side (3/4 length sleeves, tunics with side slits, linen capri pants, muted dusty colors, big “funky” wooden buttons, etc). They are mid-range quality, and very slightly overpriced “new” or from the actual shop (as opposed to, say, ThredUp or whatever).
Anon
Follow up to the breastfeeding question above. I do not want to breastfeed either, and when I expressed this to my partner, he seemed surprised and put out over it. He mentioned that he wants his kids to be breastfed and pointed to what he believes are pros of breastfeeding. I let the subject drop at the time, but I’m wondering if this is a dealbreaker or if he will just get over it when the time comes. It bothers me enough to think about it from time to time (this conversation was 1-2 months ago).
Anon
It would be a dealbreaker for me and at a minimum I’d discuss a lot more of the details of parenting now before you get too invested in this guy. I’d guess you may be on very different pages including how he views participating and sharing the responsibility of parenting.
Anon
If he feels so passionately about it he can breastfeed.
Anon
He is likely reacting to what we’ve been told and I think that that is likely true information.
Why are you opposed?
Anon
Not true.
https://fivethirtyeight.com/features/everybody-calm-down-about-breastfeeding/
Anon
He’ll have to get over it if he wants to be with you. It’s completely your choice. The benefits of breastfeeding are WILDLY exaggerated in high-income countries with clean water supply. It’s a great thing if you want to do it and think you will enjoy it, but when it comes to benefits for the baby, they’re very minor.
Senior Attorney
Yes, you need to have a follow-up conversation in which you make it clear that it’s your choice, as is everything having to do with your body. And if he doesn’t whole-heartedly agree with this, then that would be a dealbreaker for me.
“I’d prefer my children be breastfed but of course it’s your choice” = his opinion, no problem.
“My children MUST be breastfed” = dealbreaker
Anon
This. There’s a big difference between these two statements.
Anon
Yep! Hopefully your partner is like my husband: had given zero thought about breastfeeding but had absorbed “breast is best” and figured he’d want his hypothetical children to have the best. And then the moment he learned anything about it was 100% supportive of whatever I wanted.
Anon
I mean, it is better. Cheaper. There have been formula shortages. Burns tons of calories. It may not be a year and you may supplement but IMO, you ought to try before dismissing the idea.
Anon
Those are benefits in YOUR eyes. They’re not universally regarded as benefits or universally experienced. My best friend just reported wasting an absolute boatload of money on nursing and pumping supplies – manual pumps that never worked, Haaka that was uncomfortable, pillows, bottles, pump flanges, you name it. Didn’t sound cheaper than Costco formula to me.
Anon
You don’t need any of that to breastfeed. Maybe you do to pump, and so supplement with formula then, but for most people the cost of breastfeeding is time and some extra calories for mom. Formula is like $70+ a month.
Anon
What’s women’s time worth to you? Worth a lot to me.
Anon
uh, it’s not quite so easy for all of us. i really really struggled with my supply, had twins with one at home, one in the nicu, and really struggled psychologically post birth bc of messages like these! this comment is not helping anyone. it’s nice that it was so easy for you, but not for all of us and it just makes other people feel bad. you don’t get extra credit for brfeeding. fed is best
Vicky Austin
Anon @ 11:15, that’s a distinction without a difference. Sure, the dictionary definition of breastfeeding involves…a breast and a baby. But that’s not what real modern life is like for the working-women audience of this board, so you do need some of that stuff “to breastfeed.”
Anon
$70 a month? I spend more on kibble and bill at $2500/hr. Sounds like a bargain.
Anon.
I am confused as to the women’s time comments. If bottle feeding, baby still needs skin-to-skin contact with mom. Human mothers are mammals. Remember?
Anon
So Dad or others can never feed?
Cerulean
This is a website for women who work. If you work and want to breastfeed, you either need a work setup where you’re around your kid every few hours to nurse, a long maternity leave (by US standards) to avoid pumping, or else you will need to buy pumping supplies. For anon at 11:58, you need time from your work day to pump. For me, it took over an hour per day in the beginning. You would not need this time if you used formula.
I nursed and it worked very well for me and my kid (still do with a 2.5 yo), but nursing is a real time commitment and puts a burden on women that could instead be shared between partners with formula.
Anon
Anon @ 11:15, even my best friend who is a SAHM pumped bc it gets really hard to nurse an older baby when you are on the move. Are you a dude? There are certainly still women who exclusively nurse, no formula, no pumping, but (1) they are probably not reading/commenting/asking for advice on this website that is geared towards professional women, and (2) I don’t bill $2,500/hr, but $70/month is like 30 minutes of work for me once a month, vs. the 60+ hours a month I spent pumping or cleaning pumps.
Anon
I nursed but we supplemented with formula in the beginning and we bought the more expensive ready-to-feed stuff to save time on mixing the formula. And I’m much less rich than many here, but could still easily afford whatever the price difference was and it was WORTH IT to save precious time in a period when I was exhausted and stretched thin. $70/month is that not that much money to most people in white collar jobs. You’re talking to the wrong crowd if you’re trying to convince people that the time and stress of breastfeeding is worth saving a few hundred bucks.
I loved nursing, I’m glad I did it, it was a big bonding thing for me and I was really sad when I finally weaned my baby at 1.5 years old, but I sure as sh1t didn’t do it to save money. The cost of a year of formula is not that significant to me or most other people reading here.
Anon
The time I spend pumping is worth 17x as much as formula then (literally- I can’t bill my pumping breaks so breastfeeding is WAY more expensive than formula).
Anonymous
It isn’t free unless you think a woman’s time and physical labor are worthless.
Anon
This right here. I breast fed 4 kids, and like most women on this board, that involved pumping and nursing the baby directly. It was a hugely time intensive AND expensive process (the pump that my insurance provided was slow, so I rented a faster one, plus had to buy new and replacement parts, plus buying supplies to tote milk around, etc.). Formula feeding probably would have been a net neutral in terms of pure dollars, and CERTAINLY less for me to manage than pumping – remembering to bring it back and forth, extra washing, it meant someone had to pack bottles for the baby AND pack up my pump parts. I actually felt like I had more connection and eye contact with my babies when I bottle fed my babies than when I was nursing a baby, just based on my body size and shape. There are some really insane comments on this thread that absolutely disregard basic facts in favor of very outdated information and inaccurate representations of pumping or nursing. Good heavens, fed is best. Do what works for you.
Seventh Sister
Just coming here to say that very thing. It’s only cheaper if your time and effort are free.
anon
These responses are toxic af. Fed is best. If it falls entirely on you, then it’s up to you. Formula is perfectly fine.
Anon
+1. Women get to choose.
Anon
agree. my SIL is a pediatric nurse at an allergy clinic and she is pregnant and plans on combo feeding bc apparently kids who are combo fed have fewer allergies. my bff is a pediatrician, she said there is evidence that there is a benefit to brstmilk, particularly NICU babies, during the first 3 months of life, but after that not really…and that fed is best. there is no reason to make yourself crazy over it. i had to exclusively pump and it became an obsession – eat oatmeal, drink teas, stick to schedule, how many ounces have come out, etc. it was SO bad for my mental health
Anon
It’s crazy to me that we don’t even try to measure the effects of maternal mental health on children’s development. It is so creepy: it turns us into livestock for feeding our kids.
Improved mental health that came with combo feeding meant more time with my kid: walks in the park, trips to the zoo, tummy time, books. It meant that 3 am feedings were quiet and relaxing for us both, which helped both of us. Which I think more than offset any alleged negative benefit from (gasp) only getting BF for 8 weeks.
Anon
Ugh – this. Pumping and nursing made me really uncomfortable for reasons I don’t really understand. It didn’t hurt — I just felt gross and weird when I did it. I almost had to disassociate from what I was doing when I was pumping. I remember my BFF’s mom coming to visit me when my kid was like 6 weeks old, and she just kept saying that it wasn’t worth it — just give the baby formula, all would be fine. I had heard SO many stories about how BM was SO much healthier than formula, I wouldn’t let myself give it up (this was 16 year ago — I think there is more information out there that it’s not some magic bullet) — but I really regret it because I think nursing and pumping made me so miserable that I didn’t enjoy my first child’s maternity leave. Still makes me a little sad, honestly.
Anon
I am the Anon at 11:44 am. There is SO much toxicity that we put on new moms: EBF, “bounce back,” be Super Mom, quit your job, or excel at your job….
…when her job should be to recover and enjoy time with her kid.
As any athlete can tell you, rest is an important component of training, both in terms of taking rest days and actual sleep. If you want your body to perform at its best, you need to sleep more when stressing your body. All stress will contribute to decreased or slower healing: physical, emotional, psychological.
Yet somehow, our society acts like new moms can be loaded up with physical and emotional stress and still operate at a high level, and have their bodies return to “normal” at an accelerated rate. So awful.
And that comes out in reduced enjoyment of those newborn months. Just evil.
Anon
Anon @ 1:02, your comment made me tear up a little. I guess I do still have Feelings about that first maternity leave. I wish I could go back and tell myself not be so hard on myself! (a current theme in a house with a lot of teens, who really are just trying their best). That tiny sweet baby is now a fierce big kid who went school wearing his baseball uniform looking like a mini adult, but I’m going to snuggle that stinky, huge teen today when he gets home today a little more than usual, even though that just really means I will just get a slightly longer awkward side hug :)
Anon
❤️
Anonymous
This isn’t true re combo feeding. There’s no causation relationship. At least not when you control for other factors like children with older siblings or a dog in the home are less likely to have allergies.
There is some discussion about correlation between combo feedings and allergies, but the thinking is that combo feeding may act as a proxy for other factors.
FWIW I have a combination of 3 kids who have been EBF, combo fed and technically combo but primarily formula so I’m fairly agnostic on BF or not. But there is a lot of misinformation out there on what causes or doesn’t cause food allergies.
Don’t let allergy concerns stop anyone from combo-feeding but it’s also not necessary to combo feed to avoid allergies. Genetics is a huge factor.
Anon
i didn’t say it was a causation relationship, but correlation one.
Anonymous
you didn’t use either term. I clarified because there is a lot of bad info out there about allergies.
Anon
Absolutely. OP is asking about an issue with her husband, not your personal lecture about the benefits of breastfeeding (and your list is not universal by any means).
Anonymous
I detested everything about BFing and regret that I let my husband push me into it, but with the formula shortages these days I’d be terrified to rely on formula. I would feel safer exclusively pumping.
Anon
Isn’t that issue largely resolved? I feel like it was a big thing in 2022, but I haven’t heard anything about formula shortages in a long time, in the US at least. You could also pre-purchase a large supply of formula; she’s not even pregnant yet so she has lots of time to prepare.
Exclusively pumping sounds good in theory but from seeing friends do it, it’s incredibly hard, so much harder than EBFing in my opinion. You have to pump 10+ times per day; my baby nursed much less than that. Even once the baby starts sleeping longer stretches, you have to set alarms to wake up every 2-3 hours overnight because your supply will dwindle if you don’t constantly pump. You also don’t get the positive bonding feelings many people (including me) got from nursing. I hated pumping and could barely keep up one pump a day when I went back to work when the baby was 4 months old and that didn’t involve waking up in the middle of the night. I would have driven myself absolutely insane trying to exclusively pump from the get-go.
Anon
Thank you!!
The alleged benefits of breastfeeding are small and likely due to the fact that women who can breastfeed are wealthier, more educated, and more likely to be married.
Breastfeeding can cause massive hormonal swings, difficulty sleeping, weight gain (not all women lose weight that way), and other problems. We only say it’s “best” because society treats women’s time and suffering as if they are free.
Anon
Brass tacks: you get to choose. So your husband can deal with his feelings about it. That said, you could just straight-up ask him if this is a “dealbreaker” or if he’ll try to get over it. (And when you say “dealbreaker,” what do you mean? Do you mean he’ll leave you if you don’t breastfeed?)
Since his response is bothering you, then I think you should have a conversation. You’re parenting partners, yes, but the fact is, your body is participant in this in ways his isn’t.
Anonymous
+1, what do you mean by dealbreaker? Obviously he needs to let you decide and it would be ludicrous for him to end the relationship if he doesn’t like your decision. I’m confused by the question.
Anon
Does he know much about BF? How often the baby feeds and how often you need to pump, how long it takes each time, the logistical challenges of storing milk, the impact on your diet or medication usage, etc. If he doesn’t know the details he may not realize why this places a much heavier burden on you.
anon
These are good points.
Sometimes just having a conversation, finding out where people are coming from his good.
Anonymous
Agree, this was my husband on a lot of things. I’ve learned to tune him out until crunch time, at which point he is nearly always in agreement!
Anon
When you say partner, do you mean boyfriend? Personally, I would see this is a red flag and explore how we feels about other parenting topic and whether he would be an equal parent. IME, men who talk strong positions on breastfeeding or childbirth method are horrible partners and uninvolved fathers.
It’s also worth doing research on supposed benefits of breastmilk and talking to him about it. The popular media portrays it as a huge benefit for kids, but the actual research doesn’t support that. Does that change his mind?
Anonymous
IMO, your partner isn’t considering the pros/cons for you, just for the babies. I know Emily Oster is sort of a controversial authority but one of her books has a section on breastfeeding and the big takeaway is that once you control for parents’ income/education/etc, the measurable advantage of breastfeeding is not significant. Short term, formula fed babies can be gassier at first, but there’s no long-term difference in outcomes. So your choice should be made based on what works for you & your baby.
An.On.
FWIW my husband had this same attitude about it, and I ended up pumping for about 3 months (plus whatever I’d pumped and saved) and although I think he would have preferred I continue, he never made a comment about me stopping. He appreciated the effort I put in. I don’t think people who haven’t gone through it realize how much work it takes and that it doesn’t work for everyone. There’s a lot of breast is best messaging and I don’t think men spend much time considering the pros/cons for something that primarily only concerns women.
An.On.
Also adding: while his kneejerk reaction was to assume/expect me to breastfeed, and yes, I did feel some pressure to do so, he also respected my decisions to supplement with formula and stop when I did. So I wouldn’t take this as a red flag, necessarily, but worth exploring with your partner.
roxie
“he never made a comment about me stopping.” Wow the bar is in h*ll.
Anon
It’s sitting in the floor of the Atlantic Ocean, next to the Titanic.
Anon
yup
anon
As the person who would have to breastfeed, you certainly get to decide. If the conversation rankles, you should definitely talk more with him about why he feels so strongly, and explain that you feel like you get the final say as the breastfeeding person.
I also think it’s totally fine for you to decide not to breastfeed, and the evidence on the benefits in developed country contexts like the US for non-premies is very slim to none.
But I’m a bit confused by you and the other poster being so sure ahead of time that you don’t want to breastfeed. How do you know? I had no idea how I would feel about it until I did it. I had no idea what it would feel like, no idea what the physical impact would be on me, no idea how formula worked either. With most parenting things, you really have no idea how it is going to go until you are in the midst of it as an individual person with your individual baby. Why are you making these decisions ahead of time?
Josie P
+1. It is problematic that he is pressuring you, but I would say not to make up your mind ahead of time either. Nursing was easy for me/babies so I did it for a long time and enjoyed it, but I have had friends with supply or scheduling issues who switched to formula and were much happier that way.
Anon
“Why are you making these decisions ahead of time?”
I’m always surprised by these comments. I think about things years in advance.
Anon
Right – lots of women make decisions in advance and lots don’t. It doesn’t mean one way is better than the other.
Anon.
Once you are pregnant, you will have feelings that you did not expect so it is kind of silly to make a decision before then.
Anon
Sure, but thinking about something in advance is not the same as deciding in advance. It’s like the people who ask what to pack for a trip that’s months away.
Anon
Not the poster, but I someone who knew EBF wasn’t in the cards.
Much of it is that I was educated about the logistical challenges, from milk storage, pumping, feeding in public (not saying women shouldn’t do it – you do what works for you, mama! – just that it presents its own issues), and the fact that it means I would have to be the one up with our child.
I had a horrific insomnia during pregnancy, and was adamant than I needed sleep once our kid was born. That meant at least some formula.
A lot of it comes from physical trauma over the course of my life: I am very particular about how other people interact with my body. I managed one pregnancy (with crippling depression), and just didn’t have more than that in me.
We CAN know ourselves and our feelings, and it does women a disservice to act like our little lady brains can’t possibly understand our bodies, minds, and triggers well enough to form an opinion.
anon
I’m not either of the previous posters, but I am expecting my first, and BF has an “ick” factor for me about it. It’s not that I weighed the pros and cons of it as much as I don’t like the idea of it.
Anon
Are you going to exclusively formula feed from the get go? Has anyone given you push back on that? If so, how did you handle that?
anon
My husband would be fine if we went straight to formula. I feel guilty about not trying to breast-feed, so I’m going to see if combo-feeding works for us. I don’t think my mom would give us a hard time either way, and I don’t much care about anyone else’s opinion aside from those two.
Anon
To me, the OP didn’t post a BFing question – this is Boyfriend question. Whether or not OP changes her mind about breast feeding is irrelevant, she is dealing with a partner who feels like he can make decisions about her body and doesn’t respect her opinion. I can think of 100 applications where this would be problematic for me outside of this specific issue, so I’d lose the partner, and find someone who said “whatever you want” if I brought up not wanting to breast feed.
Senior Attorney
+1
Anon
(I fangirled a little that SA gave a +1 my comment :)
Senior Attorney
;)
Anon
Agree with this. Before you are pregnant or have the baby it’s all theoretical. Your brain and feelings may change when you’re there. If not, that is ok too but I think making decisions at this point is futile.
Anon
But let’s say she doesn’t change her mind — she’s still stuck with a partner who doesn’t respect her decision. I think the comments to the effect that she shouldn’t decide now just absolutely sets her up to absolutely fail.
Anon
I think you need another conversation. It seems he was caught off guard and expressed his honest opinion (which is what healthy couples in healthy relationships do). As long as it was expressed respectfully, this isn’t a reason to feel offended or write him off. But now that you’ve both had time to think about it, have another conversation to determine if it’s a hard line for you both.
Vicky Austin
Look, the reality of it is this: feeding a baby is a LOT of work no matter which way you do it, but the work falls differently depending on the method you choose. You would have the primary burden of breastfeeding, and you are allowed to reject it in favor of a method that works better for you. End of story.
I’d bring it up again, ask him if it’s a dealbreaker, and then explain that him not respecting your bodily autonomy on such a huge matter would also be a dealbreaker.
Anon
I would… put a pin in this. I had very severe supply issues– related to HBP and and a traumatic birth– and was not able to breastfeed. When I said this to my friends who were pregnant at the time, they all seemed surprised, and started telling me their plans to exclusively BF. None of them BF past 6-8 weeks for various health/medical reasons.
Agree that all of these responses telling you to consider it are toxic AF. Do what you want to do. Also, even if you want to BF, it may not be a realistic option for you. Fed is best.
anon
Are they really toxic AF? Really?
Can’t we just have a conversation anymore?
Anonymous
+1. It may end up being easy and enjoyable for you, and it may be impossible. But ultimately it’s up to you.
Anonymous
I think a lot of men (and women, for that matter) just assume that of course every mother will want to BF because of all the pro-BF rhetoric. Most people don’t know that the scientific evidence for the supposed benefits of BF is weak or nonexistent and people who haven’t tried it don’t know how much work it is and how dehumanizing it can be.
If he’s still insistent after hearing your perspective then it’s a red flag.
Anon
This is odd but I’d ask him about his thoughts on vasectomies. There have been a lot of discussions here and in the moms page about men who refuse to have them, which I view as an equality issue (I put my body through a LOT to have babies for our family, and now it’s your turn to step up in a small way). I think that men who have seen their wives go through pregnancy and birth and aren’t willing to have a small outpatient procedure are also likely to be disappointing in other ways.
A lot of men (and women) who haven’t gone through the turmoil of BFing (it’s hard even when it works, and is a full time job’s worth of time) don’t get it. So it’s not a dealbreaker in this situation. But it’s still not cool, and I’d investigate his views on parental partnership more, lest he end up being someone who ‘babysits’ his own children.
Anon
Huh, I’ve always wondered how people learned these things about their boyfriends that weren’t just the BF’s knee jerk reactions. I lucked out in that my then-boyfriend (now husband) was an uncle to young kids when were dating. So he’d see his sisters going through stuff and talk about it with me. And therefore a guy who probably would have knee jerked about a lot of things (breast is best and I want the best for my future children, stay away from my privates with your scalpel etc) actually thought through things and I was able to tell ahead of time that he’d be a great dad. But I have no idea how the heck you determine that if you’re not exposed to people with young kids while you’re dating!
Anon
My ex-husband referred to formula feeding as “controversial.” He is my ex in part because he was an absolute ass the whole postpartum period, rolled his eyes when I expressed being tired, struggling with the pain of breastfeeding, processing my feelings about how scary and painful childbirth was for me, etc.
I do think that something like breastfeeding can be an open conversation between a couple, but the non-birthing parent needs to be clear that they understand that the burden is entirely on the mom and that the burden is non-negligible and sometimes frankly a lot.
towelie
how old is he?
Unless he’s 21, you should let him know that you agree and that you’ll also be seeking a sperm donor since there are lower odds of birth defects, autism, etc. with younger sperm.
If he’s that concerned about the very slight (perhaps even debatable) benefits of breastfeeding, he should realize that his sperm carries much worse risks than formula.
Anon
This is gold.
Anon Mom
Full disclosure: I am passionately pro-BF where it is possible and exclusively breast-fed my own child while working FT as a lawyer). But whether “breast is best” is true is not really relevant to this discussion.
As the person who would be doing the feeding, you absolutely get to decide whether to do or or not. And your partner gets to decide if he wants to have children with you given your position and the rationale behind it. So my suggestion is to talk about it (and other child-rearing decisions) in advance. Either he agrees that it is your decision or he walks. But better for both of you to hash that out before you have an actual child in the mix.
It is rather like whether and under what circumstances you would have an abortion. You get to make the decision. He gets to decide whether he wants to make a baby with someone who would make that decision.
Anonymous
This is an excellent reply. It’s not a BF issue, it’s a relationship issue.
Anon
+1!!
Anon
Maybe he’d be interested in pursuing induced lactation and breastfeeding himself? If not, maybe he should can it.
Anonymous
So, I worked full time for 2/3 of my kids. I breast fed until it was inconvenient, which was 8 months, 6 months, and 5 months.
Honestly, I was too cheap to want to buy and deal with formula. When the baby got up in the middle of the night I just nursed her back to sleep. Once I was back at work she was combo fed and either DH or I would get up to feed her.
I would absolutely not suffer through breastfeeding if formula is an option! However, I found BF much more convenient until I went back to work.
NaoNao
This is one of the reasons I chose not to have a child with my husband. I was about 20% on wanting one and he was in the “whatever you want” camp, but his attitude on what he wanted to do with MY body was shocking and almost became a deal breaker. Fortunately I didn’t want children badly enough for it to be a genuine issue, but he also had this high handed “his children” attitude and acted like women who didn’t want to breastfeed were lazy/shallow/selfish and it enraged me. It was very out of character for him (this was about 6 months into dating) and he’s since grown and evolved a lot. But hoo boy. For sure a dealbreaker if you want kids/kids with this guy.
Anony
For me, the issue is the whole perspective. I think the only right thing to say for a partner who is not going to be able to breastfeed, whether their partner wants to or not, is “Of course I will support you in whatever is right for you at the time. Nothing is more important to the baby than your well-being.” I tried to breastfeed, but it didn’t work out, and my partner’s support was absolutely key to me feeling totally fine about that and ready to move on – and several of my friends would say that their partners’ support was also key to their success with breastfeeding. I think in a coparent relationship, sometimes you need to be the supporting player (generic you; over the subsequent years, I’ve also sometimes prioritized supporting my partner on other things that had a bigger impact on him/his relationship with our child).
RiskedCredit
He doesn’t get to decide. It’s your body. He gets to support you support the baby. His job comes in when your child gets older and needs guidance. This is when biology takes over.
It was a shock to me that my children’s traits were very apparent from birth. Nature vs nurture my a$$. Genetics plays a much bigger part of who my children are than the nurturing I’ve done. Of course I’d like to take credit but my role as their mother has been to guide them on being the best version of themselves because there is no changing what they were born with!
Disagree with partner work problems
My partner recently switched to a sales role and is having problems at work that in my view, are not problems. Things like, “I was expected to sell X value for X+500 markup” and “I’m being micromanaged and I hate my boss.” He is lowest on the totem pole after switching careers and is naturally going to be micromanaged in a new industry. He doesn’t have a great work history – a series of intermittent jobs – and I am worried he is not going to stick with this one.
How do I tell him to suck it up and get with the program?
Anon
why does he not have a great work history? i know people on here are quick to jump to therapy, but perhaps worth exploring if he has problems at every single job. also – unless you have both mutually agreed to this, it is not your job to just pay the bills
Anon
When he tells you who he is, believe him. Adult who can’t hold a job? Red flag. No need to counsel him.
Anonymous
This. DTMFA.
Anon
Agree. Also can people be clear about whether we’re discussing spouses or boyfriends/girlfriends? Partner is just confusing and my advice does vary based on the type of relationship.
anon
Agree! If you’re not married, my advice will almost always be DTMFA.
towelie
i’m getting the ick from every man today
Anon
Right??
Anon
How long have you been with him? I agree this is not behavior that is likely to ever change. It’s not something I personally would be able to put up with in a partner.
Senior Attorney
Agree. My standards have not always been high, Lord knows, but “must be able to hold a job” has always been nonnegotiable.
NaoNao
Honestly, I have some sympathy here. I was a really late bloomer–didn’t get my first corporate job until age 30 and a lot of what happened there was uncomfortable and surprising. I’ve also switched industries or started over low on the totem pole so to speak and it feels crappy. It’s hard to see people my age at VP levels, going on exciting international work trips, working Big Jobs, winning awards, and so on, while I toil away at one step above “front line associate”.
I would just offer him a sympathetic “wow, I’m sorry. Sounds rough.” and not try to fix it. Let him have his emotions. A lot of women try to manage men’s emotions and fix their lives for them—just let him be. Either accept that he chafes and doesn’t have super-reasonable expectations and understanding of the work world, or let him go, IMHO.
Don’t be someone’s free therapist and career coach–it’s not fun for either party!
Anon
Where do people order business cards from these days?
Anon
Staples?
Anonymous
Staples
Anon
Staples
Senior Attorney
There are a lot of online sources, too. Me personally, I get them from a friend who has a brick-and-mortar printing business in town. If you have a small print shop in your town that might be your best bet.
Anon
Moo.com
Anonymous
I have a hypo for the lawyers. What happens when a so-called whistleblower’s complaint is bogus? It turns out they’re having performance issues and decided to strike first in an effort to get their boss fired. To make matters worse, they’re rabble rousing among other employees. Is misusing corporate reporting structures grounds for a firing?
Anon
I’m not an employment lawyer but dishonesty on the job sounds like grounds for firing for cause. However, you would have to be 100% that he lied and the company is not open to a wrongful termination lawsuit.
Cat
this is a question for your company’s HR attorney, not the interwebs.
OP
To be clear, this is just a hypo. I’m very remotely aware of a situation that sounds like this, but I’m not involved in that company in any way. I’m just curious about how these things play out.
Anon
TALK TO LEGAL, FFS.
I see like five problems with this and I’m not in L&E:
-You have to follow your own internal procedures. That goes for investigation of the complaint, handling underperforming employee, and anything else related to this. Just because you might be right, doesn’t give you a pass on following procedure.
-Why do you think the complaint is “bogus”?
-Why do you think the person is having performance issues? Because the boss, who may or may not be corrupt, says so? No one is perfect and ANY manager can find mistakes that their employees make, then blow it way out of proportion.
-Is there a chance they both suck? Is there a chance that the boss is toxic and is trying to get rid of a good employee?
-Assuming the boss is right, you may have litigation on your hands that costs more to defend than severance would be. Fair? No. But if it’s $20k to defend a lawsuit and $5k for severance, maybe just give severance.
I have a nightmare story where I was the “underperforming” employee who was a “fake whistleblower.” I left under my own steam and laughed when, a year later, everyone involved – HR, VP, toxic boss – was fired when it came out that toxic boss was actually corrupt.
Anon
Nutshell: a good faith complaint is generally a predicate for a whistleblower claim. However (big fancy BUT) proving bad faith is often difficult and there’s a lot of risk associated with the situation. Consult your in-house counsel and HR department if you’re dealing with this.
Anon
And PS lots of “rabble rousing” is protected by the NLRA.
Anon
I’m so glad I’m protected by a union.
Anonymous
Unions are not all good. The union protected Liang Wang and Matthew Muckey instead of Cara Kizer and Amanda Stewart.
Anon
Nothing in life is all good. Unions > no unions.
Anon
Amen. Except for police unions. Those are universally terrible.
Anonymous
Employment lawyer, I’ll play. Note that with some whistleblowing complaints and agencies (OSHA does a lot of this, but SEC/Dodd Frank kinda stuff and government contracting/fraud gets a little more complex).
I have investigated dozens, likely 100+, complaints over the years. Not just harassment-related stuff: embezzlement, food and product and medical safety complaints, misrepresentations to shareholders, etc. In nearly every complaint, there is at least some truth. The accused is a jerk, hasn’t followed a process correctly, did something that others in the industry would think of as shady, etc. Nearly every complaint, there is also exaggeration, assuming bad intentions, conflating “best practice” or “that’s the general rule” with “required/zero exceptions,” and often a history of issues between those involved.
In my experience, complaints are rarely 100% bogus. It is extremely hard to prove bad faith. I can count on one hand the number of times all complainant admitted they were doing it to protect their job/attack the other person, and/or when the witnesses/interviewees corroborated the accused 100% and the complainant 0%. The vast, vast majority of the time, the complainant has at least one basis to complain in good faith. That means, under most policies and regulatory structures and guidance and legal advice, the complainant has anti-retaliation protections. Doesn’t mean the complainant cannot get fired for performance reasons – but that’s a call your lawyer thing, anyway.
To answer your question, if the complaint is 100% bogus, provable, or admitted; then the employer fires the employee. There can be a handful of justification reasons, depending on company size, yes, misuse of corporate reporting structures can be grounds for firing or other discipline. More commonly, the employee will be offered a severance package.
Anon
This is a fantastic response.
RiskedCredit
Except when they don’t fire you but lay you off. When you whistleblow expect to lose your job.
It’s not always a bad thing to lose your job but know that this is the most likely outcome.
Anon
Sure you can fire somebody for that. Fire them for whatever you want (that’s not based on being in a protected class) unless they have a contract that says otherwise.
Anonymous
This is bad advice. See the above post re: whistleblower protections (which expand the protected class group).
Anon
I had one of these cases, and it ended up costing my client around $1 mil, largely because internal procedures were not fired. My client also left a bad note/reference in the employee’s record, so he was unable to find another job (part of why damages were so high).
So yes, the whistleblower complaint was bogus, but the employer still lost a ton of money.
Anon
Please skip over this if not of interest to you re protests on college campuses…I am a bit confused by these students. I was just reading about how at Penn, “”From day one, we have insisted with the university that students receive disciplinary amnesty from the school,” the student said. “The University has again and again refused this.” … why exactly do they think they are entitled to no consequences for their actions? I’m not talking about the content. They have every right to protest, but there is no right to violate University policies, student codes of conduct, etc. I listened to a different interview with a University of Chicago PhD student, who while didn’t agree with the consequences, said he was willing to accept them because he believes in his cause and is aware he violated policies. how can you run any sort of organization or even have a society if individuals can just ignore all the policies?
Anonymous
I think people forget that part of civil disobedience is accepting the consequences.
Anon
Exactly, and thank you to the person who commented here “it was Letter from Birmingham Jail not Letter from Birmingham Starbucks” because not only did that make me laugh out loud, I’ve used that line a couple of times IRL.
Senior Attorney
OMG that is fabulous.
Anon
i must’ve missed that previously, but it gave me a good laugh today!
Anon
Because they’re 19 years old, their brains aren’t fully developed yet, and they have very little life experience.
Cat
lol, +1
Anon
what about the professors who have said the same thing? and not all of these students are 19, some are 21, 22 or are graduate students and in their late 20s/30s.
anonshmanon
but maybe also because they see that half the country is ready to re-elect a person who very clearly thinks rules and accountability are for other people. This is the society they grew up in.
Anon
Yeah, which has always been the case.
Lily
They’re negotiating with the school over a list of demands. One of their demands is amnesty, because they understand that without amnesty, they will face disciplinary proceedings. What is so hard to understand? People negotiate for amnesty/immunity all the time in all different kinds of contexts. Negotiating for amnesty doesn’t make them bad or evil. They believe they are on the right side of this issue, and so shouldn’t be disciplined for raising awareness/getting the university to divest.
Now you can argue that the university shouldn’t grant it to them, but that’s a completely different argument.
Anon
i don’t think trying to negotiate for amnesty makes them bad/evil, but i do think it makes them sound naive/entitled when they get so fired up/seem to think it’s unconscionable when that the university says “no.” why can’t they raise awareness in a different way that doesn’t violate policy? or if they are so passionate about/believe they are on the right side of the issue, then they should be willing to accept the consequences of their actions. and regardless of the issue being protested, i do not think that there is a right to prevent other members of a college community from accessing areas of campus. most colleges have ways to reserve space, register a protest, etc. and the students would still be able to get their point across
Anon
Agree with this and I think covering their faces is cowardly too.
Anon
Yep. And let’s be sure they’re getting meals delivered too.
NaoNao
Students going to an expensive Ivy League, who are under 25 are both (usually) very privileged and a bit out of touch with reality and their brain isn’t done forming yet. Of course we hold a 19 year old as an “adult” but we forget they don’t have the experience and maturity and wisdom that 40 something’s do. They’ve lived a life relatively free of serious consequences, and likely in fact given tons of guardrails and bumper lanes, second chances and privileges. It’s not a surprise to me that some Penn student at age 20 is shocked, shocked I tell you, to find themselves in jail.
Anon
Question for the cyclists here: do you use a dropper post? I just learned of them today and am intrigued. I have a hybrid bike that I ride on roads or paved trails. Dismounting at intersections is my least favorite part, so much so that I sometime avoid riding because I don’t want to deal with that part. I wonder if a dropper post would help.
Cat
How would this help? You still have to put a foot down when you’re stopped, regardless of saddle height.
Anon
Because if the seat drops closer to the ground I wouldn’t have to get off the seat in order to put my foot down? Am I not understanding how they work?
anon
I do on my full suspension mountain bike, and I drop it down when I descend (in particular over roots and rocks and through corners) so I can move my body around efficiently. I have never considered it on a hybrid bike for paved trails/roads, but if it helps you, go for it. They’re pretty expensive to add as after market parts though. They do take a bit of maintenance but not much.
Anon
Yes, total game changer. It’s for mountain biking but I often do drop it at intersections as well. Get it!!!
Breakfast Ideas
We have 7 people coming over on Saturday morning for breakfast, then two of the teens will be playing in a softball tournament. What is an easy breakfast spread? I want to purchase most of the things from Panera or Costco or something, but I am also willing to make a breakfast casserole if it’s a simple recipe.
Anon
Strata is always the answer. Cup of Jo did a post this week on it but you can scale it up and change ingredients to taste. Easier than anything, IMHO.
Anon
Bagels and fixings, Pastries, cut up melon or berries, OJ, Tea/Coffee, a frittata or the like, a bunch of bacon you make in advance and just reheat, and a bunch of sausages. Note that some people are savory breakfast people, some are sweet. You got this! Costco has everything you need.
Hollis
This. If Panera is closeby, you can pre-order your bagels and cream cheese and pastries from there. From Costco, I would get smoked salmon, the two-pack of quiches, either precooked bacon or chicken-apple sausage, and a fruit platter. From the grocery store, you can buy one red onion and some roma tomatoes and slice them into thin slices the morning of.
Anonymous
Pick up a quiche, fruit bowl, yogurt cups, bag of granola. You can skip the quiche if that’s too much work.
Anon.
Chedder cheese sausage balls.