Fertility and Birth Rates: Let’s Discuss
We're discussing this article (and beyond) on CorporetteMoms today too, but the conversation has a different flavor over there!
Did you catch the story in The Wall Street Journal [gift link] a couple of weeks ago that addressed falling birth rates? The WSJ reported that the birth rate among American women has fallen to 1.62 per woman — the lowest since the 1930s when the government began keeping track. (The article does note this: “The figures are provisional and likely to adjust slightly when final data are released later this year.”)
One more striking stat: In 1950, in the midst of the baby boom, the crude birth rate was 24.1 per 1,000 people, and by 2018, it had dropped to 11.6, according to Pew Research. This is a major issue for other industrialized countries as well — today CNN reported that South Korea's fertility rate (a bit different than birth rate) is so low at 0.72 in 2023 that the government may create a Ministry of Low Birth Rate Counter-planning. (Hmm, that feels a bit Handmaid's Tale.)
We thought we'd use the WSJ article as a jumping-off point for a discussion today. (Btw, it's a coincidence that this post is in the same week as Mother's Day! BUT if you need gift ideas, check out our recent gift ideas open thread, which ALSO coincidentally was published on the day the WSJ story came out.)
Here are two key excerpts from the WSJ article:
The decline reflects a continuing trend as American women navigate economic and social challenges that have prompted some to forgo or delay having children. A confluence of factors are at play. American women are having fewer children, later in life. Women are establishing fulfilling careers and have more access to contraception.
At the same time, young people are also more uncertain about their futures and spending more of their income on homeownership, student debt and child care. Some women who wait to have children might have fewer than they would have otherwise for reasons including declining fertility.
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The long-term effects of lowering rates could shape the economy, programs including Social Security and other facets of American life, said Phillip Levine, an economics professor at Wellesley College. “It has the ability to have a significant impact on the way we live for a long time to come,” he said.
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Is anyone really surprised by this news? Just thinking about the most likely factors becomes daunting: the the current and future impact of climate change, the crises and wars around the world, abortion bans and associated restrictions on maternal care, discrimination against pregnant employees and working mothers, inadequate government support for families, employers providing inadequate paid family leave, and so on.
So, let's discuss:
Readers who are planning to have kids: Are you waiting longer to do so — longer than you expected? If you are waiting, how much are you worried about declining fertility? Have you thought about freezing your eggs?
Alternately, if you're not sure whether you want kids — or don't ever want them — how much is your career a factor, and how much of your decision stems from one or more of the factors listed above — if at all?
Stock photo via Pexels / cottonbro studio.
I got married at 32, and had my first kid at 34. I wish I could have waited longer — I really would have liked more time as a newlywed and DINK.
I think this isn’t discussed enough. “You can have kids at 40!” Well, if that means you meet at 38, get married at 39, and immediately start TTC, maybe. But can we talk about how putting the pedal to the metal for procreation can stress a new marriage?
I agree with this. We ended up experiencing infertility (not caused by age, actually, but I’m sure it didn’t help), and I’m still not sorry that I didn’t TTC right after getting married. Spending a little more time building that foundation really helped us effectively support each other when things did not go as planned, and then eventually as new parents.
There are too many humans on the planet. Not having kids was a no brainer, I’m not special there’s no need to ‘carry on my genes’ and I’m certainly not special enough to cause that much pollution. My time is much better spent improving the planet. There are of course health and aesthetic benefits too.
I want kids and hoped to have them nowish a year or two ago, but haven’t found the guy I want to have them with (and also had thought my career would be more stable at this point). So yes, I am feeling worried about time but… not enough to marry the wrong guy I guess? Egg freezing not an option for religious reasons, and I’ll be honest that that feels like a big sacrifice these days. Definitely jealous of men’s longer timelines.
I met my husband at 29, married at 31, kid 1 at 32. I was hoping for a second close together, but have miscarried twice and now we’re looking into IVF, so I will be at least 35 if kid 2 comes along. I would have liked to have kids younger but it took a bit of time to find the right guy and like a lot of women I spent my 20s establishing my career. Secondary infertility is definitely common in my circle of 30-something professionals.
I’m about to become a first time mom at 40, and I’ll be honest – I’m scared of how we will afford it. My DH and I just get by with our mortgage and bills, have only 3 months in emergency savings, and we don’t max out our 401Ks, in a VHCOL city. He thinks we need to move, and we may have to (but then the jobs disappear…). But we want to be parents and can’t put it off any longer.
I started dating my husband at 17, got married at 25, and we had our child at 35, and I wish I would have waited longer. My mom and her mother were also older mothers (even older than 35) so it didn’t seem weird to me. Our child is 4 now and has pretty severe emotional and behavioral problems. Our life as parents is very challenging and (if I’m being honest) depressing. After this experience, we never even considered having a second. There’s simply no way we could endure this experience twice, it’s awful.
big hugs from someone else with a kid with behavioral problems.
Thank you, I appreciate that very much. Every day is so so hard (as I’m sure you know…)
Random thoughts:
We need more honesty around how dicey one’s late 30s are for fertility. Some women conceive easily; it’s too late for others.
We need more honesty around the importance of spending some time as a married couple before TTC. Not dating, not engaged, not living together: adjusting to marriage. It’s different.
I wish we would also talk about spacing out kids. Sure, I have met people who had a kid at 40 and another at 41, but various factors will push parents into spacing out their kids. Sometimes, two daycare bills are too expensive, so they wait until a kid is in kindergarten. Sometimes, the birth was traumatic. Maybe there are marital issues that arise when adjusting to parenthood.
Then there is the issue of just getting less time with your kids. The thing that makes me most sad about being an older mom (had my one and only at 39) is that I spent half my life without him, and he will likely spend half his life without his parents. How much of your life do you want to overlap with your kids?
The business of waiting until the last possible second because you “can” wait is, IMHO, oversold.
I dunno, I’m not unaware of the risks and difficulties of waiting that you mention, but I don’t hear people recommending waiting just for the sake of waiting – but more greater “wait until you’re more sure what you want in a relationship”, “if you’re more senior in your career you actually have more flexibility not less”, etc.
I encountered people who actively encouraged waiting for the sake of waiting, like, I was 37 and they recommended a two year engagement so that I could have a fancier wedding.
You make good points, but the role of men’s choices receives insufficient focus regarding these issues. I realize I am biased because I grew up in a big city known for Peter Pans, and come from the ethnic group with the lowest marriage rates in the USA, but it can be difficult for some women who want to marry, and want a good fit.
YES! I (Anon who wrote the comment you’re responding to) agree.
Yup! Finding a man who actually wanted to marry was hard for me too
What do you mean by “we need more honesty”? It seems like all content for women (including this website) is constantly taking about infertility and quoting the statistics.
I was 38 when I got pregnant, 39 when I delivered, and had women with college degrees mock me – like mock me HARD – for my concerns about infertility. Yes, many of them had their own unresolved issues surrounding procreation, but man, it was rough to be laughed at during my baby announcement.
I actually think there’s too much fear mongering about infertility after 35 and it’s pushed a number of women I know into meh relationships bc they were approaching 35
I think the main problem is that it’s an all or nothing thing and there’s no way to know what side of the odds you’ll be. A little over 50% of women age 35-39 will get pregnant within 12 months of trying. So the majority of women won’t have issues, but an awful lot of women will.
I met my husband at 32, got married at 34, had our first kid at 37 (after getting my IUD removed a week before our wedding, 18 unsuccessful months of trying, and one round of IVF), and had our second (and almost surely last) kid at 39 (from one of the frozen embryos from our IVF round). My husband is five years older than us.
We lost my husband’s dad, got married, bought a house, both started new jobs, navigated infertility, got pregnant/had a baby during a global pandemic, renovated a house, lost my mom, and had a second baby in almost exactly four years. I wish I’d met my husband 10 years earlier and that we’d had more time to be newlyweds without so much time pressure on having kids, and without so much sad family health stuff. I’d love to have one more kid, and we have the embryos…. But my second pregnancy was complicated, and having a 3 and 1 year old is exhausting….and we someday want to go places and do things again.
I would love to read a detailed long-form article discussing everything that this lowered birth rate means, long-term, socially, culturally, economically, environmentally, etc. I read something recently that said next year’s high school graduates will be the peak high number; after that, the numbers go down every year for the foreseeable future. Try at radically changes education, if nothing else. So much to think about, for better and for worse.
Personally, I met my husband at 19, married at 21, had kids at 32 and 35 (44 now). I’m glad we had a long time and feel a little bad for people who marry late and feel like they have to rush. But it would have been nice to have started a little earlier (I went to law school and suffered the great recession during that time), and I’ve found myself very much wishing lately that we’d had a third. But it’s really worked out well on the whole.
I’m 30 and single, so if / when I (hopefully) have kids, I’ll be older. I would love to have several years between getting married and having kids, but likely won’t have the luxury of waiting too long. Many of my friends are in the same boat.
Might post this in the morning thread for additional comments but seems on topic for this post–is anyone in the hive an SMBC, either with a bio kid or through adoption? I’d prefer to have a kid with a partner but there’s always the chance that won’t happen for me, and pursuing motherhood is a non negotiable, with or without a husband. I’m turning 30 this year so still several years out from having to make the decision but want to start getting the full picture of what to expect if I do end up choosing that path.
I am, to an 8 month old. I started thinking about it in my early 30s, then had a three year relationship, and, when that didn’t work out, I started the process. Are you in a big city? Many cities have groups that have meet ups for SMCs and those thinking about it. If you post a burner email, I’m also happy to talk about it.
I started down the path when I was 37 during the pandemic and single. Nearly as soon as I started the process, I ended up meeting my husband, got married quickly (within a year), and pregnant a year later…there’s a lot of FB groups, and one of my friends pursued this path for her 2 kids. My first step was telling my obgyn, who referred me for genetic testing with a genetic counselor, and we went from there. I couldn’t afford it until I was in my late 30s.
I married young, at 27, and was divorced by 30. He had addiction issues that he hid well (don’t we all drink a bit too much sometimes in our 20s?), and I’m glad we didn’t have kids. Then, it took me 8 more years to meet my now 2nd husband.
I met my husband at 24 (H-28), got married at 31 (H-35), had kids at 36(H-40) and 39 (H-43) and it feels pretty good to me; I think my husband is starting to feel it age wise that he isn’t as young as he used to be. It doesn’t feel rushed but its very busy with a lot of life changes in the last few years. We moved, my husband made partner, I had a baby, came back from maternity leave and found out I’d been passed over for a significant promotion, Covid happened, I got the promotion, faced secondary infertility, had a second baby, and my father had a recurrence of a long term illness all in the span of about 4 years. I’m a couple years out from those 4 years and its still so hard on a daily basis. Both kids of medical issues and my dad continues to have medical issues that will ultimately kill him, its just a question of when. I’m glad I did it but, yeesh, having kids and turning 40 is not for the faint of heart. FWIW most of my friends feel this way and none us felt adequately warned about how hard these middle years would be.
I had kids at 37 and 40 (not for lack of trying! we struggled seriously with infertility and tried for 5+ years). I regret every day that I couldn’t have kids earlier.
I went to college with the goal of finding a good husband and I did; my 19 year old boyfriend brought up baby names on the second date and we got married as soon as I graduated at 22. Kids at 25, 28, 31, 34. I did a lot of research on pregnancy spacing and decided 33 months apart was optimal, so that’s what we did. First two kids were born while I was in law school/clerkship and I made partner after coming back from my last maternity leave.
My parents were both in moderately high-profile/high-responsibility careers by the time I was an adult (although we were poor when I was young and my mom didn’t work then). I knew vaguely that their work was important to them but family always came first, and they encouraged us to go ahead and build the relationships and adulthood we wanted and not wait for the right time/right amount of money.
I’m 37 and if I could do it over I would have had our first baby right after we got married so I that I could have had 5 before 35. We’ve thought about one more now that I am 37 but my husband’s mom had him (an only child) at 38, and he feels that is much too old a parent to inflict on a child (my parents had children when they were younger so are very fun, healthy and involved grandparents and we hope to be grandparents in our fifties, rather than in our seventies, also). So we are done now.
I do not think children inhibited my education or my ability to establish a fulfilling career. They did inhibit my ability to save a lot of money but I have plenty of time to keep making money so I’m not sorry to have prioritized babies when my biology supported it.
thinking about this now, I’m still part of the cause of the declining birth rate – my great grandmothers had 8 living children, my grandmas each had 6, and my parents had 5, so my 4 represents halving the birthrate in less than a century.
I always find these perspectives really fascinating. I had my fifth last year at age 45. My last three I had after the age you are now. I don’t feel old at all or any different than when I had my first at 32. That said, I do agree with your approach and wished I had prioritized settling down earlier. It wasn’t a cake walk getting to five and in another life I would have liked to have followed your path. Would have had an impact on partner choice as well which would change everything, though, I suppose.
I was game to keep going but DH was done (informed by his own experience, which we both acknowledge is not universal!) So impressed by your energy for babies at 45! I feel like I had the right energy for babies in my twenties and am settling down into the right energy for middle schoolers now – but that’s probably just because that’s how it is, and if things had turned out differently for me I would have felt like that was right too.
It does always surprise me when we get a teenage babysitter and I can tell they perceive me as an authority figure/middle-aged lady, as I am still 25 (the age I hired our first babysitter) in my head.
Also: I had no idea 33 months was considered optimal but this makes so much sense to me and I really endorse that as someone with a 3 year gap, then a 2.5, then a 2.75, then just over 4 years.
Met my spouse in high school, got married after grad school at 24 and 26 (respectively), and decided at 26/28 that we definitely did not want kids. We do not want to be parents, period. I want flexibility and money and to do whatever the ever loving F I want on Saturday mornings. Other people’s kids are great and I do my best to be a village for other parents in my friendships, family, and at work (as an advocate/manager).
DH got a vasectomy at 30ish, I got an IUD at 34 and will have one until menopause (or get a tubal, bc I truly do not trust that abortion access will exist if I were raped or otherwise impregnated).
Something I didn’t know much about was how different the numbers are in late 30s and early 40s for women who have already conceived and successfully carried to term or near term versus first time mothers. The mean fertility is still pretty high in your late 30s, but the median is ignored, and tells an important part of the story.
I got pregnant at 29 (now 7), 35 (ectopic) and 35 (now 18 months), but my real concern about having kids was whether I wanted to bring them in to this world. I think having children and raising them well is a service that parents (often mothers) do for society, but I wasn’t convinced it was fair to do to them. I’m done with two in part for that reason.
I kept pushing off having kids due to “wanting to experience life” and now have decided I’m finally ready at 39 years old. Been TTC since March and hoping it’s not too late. I never would have been able to afford it earlier in my life – cost of living was way too expensive. However now we are in a comfortable position – we’ve paid off our house, are fairly frugal, and really only spend significant sums on travel. We are ready and hopeful. I know that others are nowhere near as fortunate as we are and I find it baffling how anyone with a mortgage can afford to have kids. Expenses are just nuts!