Thursday’s Workwear Report: Cheetah-Print Midi Shirtdress

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1. Feeling a bit burnt out in the home stretch and wondered if we could highlight some pandemic victories – acknowledging of course, the privilege inherent in being able to celebrate these victories.

   I remember when they announced school/daycare closures, I sobbed, thinking that I would never manage to work and take care of my child for a few months (little did I know how long it would actually be…). Somehow I managed to make meaningful progress on work, brought a few publications to the light of the day, and have a happy, healthy kiddo. Amazing what you can get done when you only have 4 hours a day to do it.
   I started the pandemic having not cycled consistently for many years, and never in a busy city, and by September, I was fairly confidently navigating my hilly and often hostile city with a toddler in the backseat.

   1. Love this thread.

      – I got a promotion at work.
      – I supported a work stream to secure an additional medium double-digit profit for our business unit, which resulted in a great bonus for all the employees.
      – I have kept up productivity even though I am only working maybe 5-6 hours every day, mainly because I don’t have a commute and can easily be available at 6am for calls with other time zones (happens often in my role)
      – Kept my now 5yr-old preschooler home since early March 2020 and continue to do so, and kiddo has learned riding a bicycle without training wheels, reading & writing in English and our in first language, does 2nd grade math, and is just soaking up knowledge like a sponge. We have not relied on screen time more than 1hr a day.
      – Have grown my own tomatoes, and so many new plants in the garden. My 170 bulbs planted last fall are growing into beautiful tulips.
      – Became a birder, and adding to my list of cool birds weekly. Last week: Bald Eagle!
      – Cooked so many new dishes, some of which were excellent.
      – Have not gotten divorced from my spouse. Just kidding, but even though we quarrel regularly, this pandemic has shown me that we are a good team.

      1. I am super impressed that you’re limiting screen time to an hour. I am not pleased with how screen time has gone off the rails in the past year.

         1. Yes, that’s amazing!! Please post tips…

         2. I must admit that this only works because my spouse and I split our work day to divide and conquer childcare. I work 6/7am-12:30pm, he works 1:30-7pm (and both of us finish stuff after 8/9pm), and we are fortunate to be able to mostly arrange our meeting schedules accordingly.
            Of course, when both of us have to work at the same time, this is when screens get used. But the rest of the time, we try to be attentive and present for our child. It is exhausting, but rewarding.

            When I’m “on” for childcare, we do 30-45 min of structured learning (math, writing) every day, then probably another 30-45 min of reading to him outside of bedtime. Then at least an hour of outside time (sometimes one slot in the morning with dad and another one with mom in the afternoon, preferably with different activities like walk, playground, bike ride, basement parcour). We’ve found that if we engage with focus, our kid becomes less “needy” and will afterwards happily play by himself with his legos, read, listen to music etc. I then use every time slot when kid is occupied to catch up on email.

            In the beginning of the pandemic, we averaged 2-3 hrs of screen time daily (mostly age-appropriate cartoons on Youtube), but it became a constant battle to then move on to other activities.

            We now limit iPad use to pre-selected apps with educational content (including math, documentaries, and short videos on How Stuff Works).

            But I want to also say, we have our ups and downs, and there are definitely days when he gets 3 hrs of screen time. But this happens maybe once a month now.

      2. Wow! Go you! We’ve become birders around here as well, we had a starling in the garden the other day, which is increasingly rare in the UK. We have a “British birds” map on the fridge and it’s been a source of entertainment.

      3. That is wonderful! We’re also birders here; the other day DH was playing a bird-themed board game with friends online. 5yo walked by, casually looked over, and said ‘That’s a pileated woodpecker’. (Proud nerd mom moment.)

   2. Great idea!

      Recently, I had one of my best performance evals ever. Considering what a you-know-what-show last spring was, with juggling virtual school and work, this felt unbelievably good. (I was fortunate that my kids went back to in-person school in August.)

      My kids have become more independent and have learned some important life and homekeeping skills during this time. Having all of us at home provided many opportunities for them to up their game in becoming household contributors. My 11-year-old is now doing his own laundry. GAME CHANGER. The pandemic forced the issue and gave me more space and time to teach these things rather than keep doing them myself. That also feels really good.

      Despite all odds, I have mostly kept up with my exercise routine. I have been in maintenance mode, but at least it’s happening at all.

      My garden last summer was GLORIOUS.

      1. Impressive!

   3. That’s great!!

      My marriage is going really well. Lockdown with my husband has been easy (99% of the time) and I just love him so much. Not commuting gave us more time for each other.

      1. +1 – I feel extraordinarily lucky to be with my husband

   4. Love this idea Cb! Mine are:
      -learning to really harness virtual connections with others (something I was very bad at before) for the good of the friendship, which I think has strengthened my weaker relationships more than even in the times when I could see those people
      -not shying away from doing some really hard work on my relationship with my husband, since we’ve spent so much time with just each other there was really nowhere to hide and I’m glad we faced the music
      -becoming more aware of the many ways stress can affect my body and mind as a result of the last year (heh) and learning to give myself compassion and take time for preventive measures

   5. I lost my job (they said it was because of downsizing due to COVID, but it was a horribly toxic and dysfunctional place) and that led me to getting the best job I’ve ever had. I really love working from home as well. And more money at my new job means I just moved into a new bigger apartment!

   6. My dad survived quarantine in his dementia care unit long enough for them to open again. He’s in the mid-to-late stages, and I didn’t know if I would ever see him again when they locked down last spring.

      Other than that, just surviving figuratively. I was downsized in 2001, 2003, and 2008, so surviving a global economic crisis with my job intact is a big deal to me. My job is boring, underpaid, and has no room for advancement, but it’s stable.

      1. Oh that must be so hard! Are you able to see him regularly now?

         1. Only for a half-hour every other week, and we’re separated by a plexiglass booth (like in prison shows). I’m not allowed to touch him.

            It’s awful because he isn’t capable of understanding why it’s necessary, but it’s better than nothing. They offered Zoom calls during lockdown, but he’s too far along to cooperate with that.

            1. Weird recommendation, but one that has been very helpful in a similar situation: baaaaad dad joke books. My grandmother can’t really communicate, but seems to still respond to the rhythm of a joke and laugh at the end. ❤️

   7. I have made deeper connections with my neighbors and a wonderful group of working moms in my community.

   8. – started going on regular walks and realized how much better that makes me feel, physically and mentally
      – sold and bought a house and did a lot of work on the new house, making it into something beautiful
      – in 2020, I somehow billed the most hours out of the five years I have been at my job (I still don’t understand how this is possible given how useless and disastrous I felt most of the year)
      – in 2021 I’m on pace to out-bill 2020. We’ll see how this actually pans out
      – Husband and I are in a very good place in our marriage. We’ve fought very little over the last year, and the few blow ups we’ve had have been talked through and I’ve been able to admit and accept when I am in the wrong and so has he.
      – survived
      – kiddo is learning to read and is doing well in kindergarten despite the online format

   9. I have leaned into activities and friends that I truly love and let go of anxiety about not filling my leisure hours with enough stuff.

      I give myself a hard time about my weight, always have, but the scale reflects that I’ve done a pretty good job at taking care of myself.

      I got treatment for my depression.

   10. – My kids are thriving. I was really worried about my preschooler with special needs, but after school reopened in the fall she really flourished.
       – After my old firm was awful and irrational about the pandemic, I switched to a new firm. The salary is higher, my billable hour requirement is hundreds of hours lower, my cases are more interesting, the people have a much healthier view of work. More money, less work, better people!
       – I have a newfound respect for my husband. He really stepped up for his employees to protect their health and there was no covid transmission between employees. Now they all have their vaccine appointments set!
       – Our parents are fully vaccinated, and none of them got covid.
       – I was forced to examine my life and choices in a very real way, and I think the best is yet to come.
       – I finally started a vegetable garden. I’ve wanted to garden for years, but chose work over hobbies. Not doing that anymore.

   11. I had my best year ever at work (academia – solo authored publication in top field journal!) and got a correspondingly bigger than normal raise this past fall!

   12. -I joined a virtual book club and have rediscovered my love of reading. I’m tearing through new-to-me novels now.
       -After being forced into it last March, my company now admits that working from home is completely viable. While they eventually expect us to return to the office full time, we will keep the benefit of being able to WFH instead of taking a day off for personal business.

   13. Closer relationships with some of my best pals I’m hundreds of miles away from. (Including the long distance maybe-relationship!)
       Overcome my fear of spin classes (sort of – not sure I’d want to go to one at the gym!)
       Had a great year at work including getting made permanent in my temporary role.
       Started actually meal planning rather than just cooking what I want to on any given night (I used to grocery shop “European style” but went down to once weekly because of the pandemic so had to be more organised).
       Learnt to cook mushrooms!

       1. But you need to go to spin classes, so you can go with me when things reopen?? As I am pretty sure I’ll fall off the bike and I may need a witness?

          1. Hahaha, challenge accepted! I may well fall off too, in fairness.

             1. And here I thought I was the only gumby to ever fall off a stationary bike! (To be fair, it was mounted on a trainer, not a dedicated spin bike. The rear wheel was poorly attached and when I started to dismount, so did the bike. I did a slow-motion fall onto the nearby couch.)

   14. My relationship with exercise really changed and improved over the last year. I started going for walks every day (sometimes twice a day) early on and really noticed a difference in my mental health when I was able to do it. I found other ways to exercise and just really was able to make it a part of my daily life routines that I miss when it gets thrown off. It’s now not something I /have/ to do because I’m supposed to, but that I know sets me up for a better day and mental space.

   15. Great idea! I am in better shape than before the pandemic started, no work travel, no jet lag and no commute meant time to work out consistently. I also had time to plan better meals.

   16. We had suspected for a while that our now-10-yo had some degree of ADD, but we hadn’t taken action yet for various reasons. Virtual school let us observe his behavior, and made it clear that he needed more help than we could give. So we got him evaluated this past fall, and he’s on medication. We haven’t dialed in on the exact right dose yet, but it’s clear that medication helps him a lot. He’s more hopeful and more confident about school (which is a big deal considering middle school is next year), and I don’t think we’d have taken this step without us all being at home to observe him.

       1. Congrats on taking this step! My son was diagnosed at 8, and medication has been life-changing for all of us.

   17. I love this!

       – Developed extremely close relationships with four girlfriends and their families, whom I’d be lost without. We were just getting to know each other at the beginning of the pandemic.
       – Found my voice at work regarding DEIJ and am now looked to as a leader for our org in this area (a professional aspiration for me for quite some time).
       – Really got to know my kids thanks to so much quality time together.
       – Ditto for spouse! And our relationship is stronger than ever.
       – Went on Zoloft and it was life changing: I’m not angry all the time and am living a much, much better life.
       – Got my physical health back on track thanks to long walks and the purchase of a Peloton.
       – Did a major home renovation and love our house 1000% more as a result.
       – Got to pod with my in-laws, whom I adore, for 6 weeks during the aforementioned home renovation.

   18. – DH and I have really figured out a lot on parenting and accepting our neuro-atypical almost-6-year-old. We’ve learned he’s an introvert, and that I need to respect his need for downtime and alone time. Since his play group therapy was canceled, we’ve done virtual parent-child play therapy. And we found a school that really meets his needs, which required us to reframe and accept what his needs actually are.
       – We’ve repainted our master bedroom and bathroom, done a bunch of small home projects, and (using a contractor) renovated our kitchen. Right now, we’re cleaning out and updating our yard after the spring freeze.

   19. My biggest pandemic victory was quitting drinking. I had been using alcohol in a very unhealthy way to numb myself for decades. I was drinking far too much and had started pouring myself drinks during the middle of the work day (obviously working from home). It was adding to my depression and anxiety and was unhealthy for me in a myriad of other ways. I am not someone who has ever been able to have one drink. I have been sober for over four months now. The friends who I have shared my sobriety with have been so supportive and my fears about how it would affect my personal life, to the extent I have one during CV-19, have so far been unfounded. I know it will be harder once we go back to socializing in groups, as my friend groups all drink, but I am ready and feeling empowered and strong re: my decision.

       1. This is huge! It will be hard with socializing, but it is also hard being at home during a pandemic. Yay you!

          1. Thank you so much! It’s been an interesting process. I would have always described myself as someone who didn’t feel a large range of emotions. Let me tell you, I feel ALL the emotions now. It’s hard and exhausting, but it’s also allowing me to really examine my life, think about what I want and whether I am actually doing what I want to do or doing what I think I should be doing. Scary, but also really exciting.

             I am lucky and grateful that I have been able to form truly solid friendships with small groups of people who I know will continue to be supportive of my choices even when it’s hard for me. <3

       2. I’m very proud of you!

       3. You’re my hero.

       4. So much kudos to you from this internet stranger!!!

       5. That’s so great!! Good for you taking this step. You won’t regret it.

       6. Congratulations! I am very impressed.

       7. Wow this is wonderful! Congratulations!

       8. Thank you all so much! Trying not to tear up over here. Really appreciate this community.

       9. That is wonderful. You are very brave and strong.

   20. Good idea!
       – Got a very unexpected and welcome promotion at work, despite juggling disrupted school schedules and WFH.
       – Used WFH and cutting out my commute as an opportunity to exercise every day and I’m probably at my best fitness level since high school.
       – Admitted to myself that I was having trouble juggling everything, and started outsourcing more (house cleaner, tutor, etc.). I don’t know why I resisted it so long — I’m so much calmer with the help, and can have more quality time with my kids instead of just treading water.
       – Finally dumped my toxic, narcissist, generally awful ex and am now in a healthy relationship with a mature man who treats me so well that I literally cannot believe — like CANNOT BELIEVE — the behavior I used to tolerate. Being in a good and trusting relationship instead of a bad one has improved my overall mood and stress level immeasurably.

       1. Wow, that’s a huge year for you! Well done for figuring out what you want in life/relationships

   21. This might be kind of silly but after being in the trenches working full time with young kids I never watched any TV- I finally started watching some shows and feel like a little more part of the cultural conversation again! Favorites have been Schitt’s Creek, Ted Lasso, Workin’ Moms, Crazy Ex Girlfriend, and the Terror (the last two are so underrated and I wish more people watched them so I could discuss more!!!)

   22. (1) Got back into skiing after 5 years off. Skiing was my number one favorite hobby. I don’t know how I let life get in the way for 5 years. I didn’t even realize it had been 5 years until I opened my ski app that tracks my runs and speeds and saw when I last used it. I got a season pass to a local mountain that did a great job with the COVID precautions. I already have a season pass for next winter.

       (2) Became close with neighbors our age. With that, tried edibles for the first time (legal where I am). I wouldn’t have done it without a little encouragement and it’s not the big scary thing DARE made it out to be. For me, a healthier way to relax on the weekend than booze. Few calories, no hangover.

       (3) Did SO many nature walks. My dogs spent their days going inside and out as much as they wanted. They were truly living their best lives. I have an elderly cat and I’m glad to have spent so much time w/ him in what is probably one of his last years.

       (4) My husband took the pandemic super seriously and did everything he could to keep me safe, including being one of the first people in our state to get his vaccine. He modified his job as best he could and I really appreciated all of his efforts.

       (5) I appreciated the ability to just slow down. So many weekends were packed with plans. It’s been nice to not have obligations.

       1. Oh! And I paddle boarded almost every weekend over the summer, including some weeknights!

       2. I’m glad you got back into skiing. I didn’t feel comfortable going this year between crowds and my high-risk status, but it brings me so much joy and it makes me sad that I missed the season for the first time in a quarter century…

          1. I think it really depends on where you live and how they handle things. I’m moderately higher risk (asthma). I live less than an hour from the mountain so I usually didn’t have to go in the lodge at all. I think all season I maybe went in to pee twice and the bathrooms are right inside the exterior door. I wore a KN-95 the entire time. The 6 person lift was very limited so that there would be at least two empty seats, usually three, between parties. You were also allowed to say you wanted to ride alone.

             For the lift line, they had made lanes between lines that had to remain empty. Then if you were standing in your line facing forward, the front of your ski and the back of the next person’s ski ensured you remained 6 feet apart. I never felt like I was in a crowd and they had monitors walking up and down the empty lanes making sure that everyone had a mask on over their nose and mouth.

   23. When the pandemic started, my mom was living in memory care. My immune-compromised and super fragile dad was living in an apartment near her, so he could visit each day. I was living in a 1 bedroom house that I owned, roughly an hour away from them. My dad removed my mom from memory care in early March 2020, into his apartment that was definitely not safe for her (stairs, etc).

       I bought a bigger home, sold my home, and moved them both in with me. It has been so, so hard, but we are all alive and vaccinated now. I do not think my mom would have survived no visits for a year.

       Definitely stuck my neck out a bit financially to do this, used some funds earmarked for retirement, etc. I figured at the time, what is the point of money if not to protect your family. My 30-year mortgage is fixed at 2.75% and the Zestimate on our new place is up by 12% since last May. It still feels like the right move.

       1. That’s amazing, NW Islander. If my parents had been in a nursing/memory care home in 3/2020, I think I would have moved them out. But all you did to take care of both your parents is amazing. Congrats.

       2. That’s amazing. I’m the poster above with a dad in memory care, and I wish I was capable of what you accomplished! My dad is violent and combative, but not seeing him for a year was a real mindf***.

       3. Thanks, ladies:)

          And Anon #2 above, I am so sorry about your dad. My mom was violent and combative too for awhile, and also prone to wandering/trying to leave the house. That is how she landed in memory care. “Fortunately” she had declined to the point that she was physically unable to fight or wander when the pandemic started. We really threaded the needle in terms of what my dad and I could (barely) manage together. Sheer luck, and I am grateful. Best wishes to you.

   24. I have somehow managed to keep on top of all my litigation deadlines while working from home and helping my three children with virtual school. I won the biggest case of my career so far during the pandemic and had some of my most productive months ever this summer, including filing a massive brief (well not so much the brief was massive, though it was long, but the record in the case was enormous).

       My husband and I have done some nice projects to our house and I have been able to maintain a good cleaning routine so that I don’t have to spend all day on the weekend cleaning. We have also been able to save a lot of money (the pause on student loan payments and on traveling helped).

       I have not been able to maintain my normal exercise routine and would like to get back into that now that the weather is nice. I have felt very overwhelmed for many months now and have not had good work/life boundaries while working from home and need to fix that.

   25. My husband and I are closer than ever and after a tough adjustment from being out and about almost every night, we have enjoyed our together time (although not gonna lie — it has helped that we both kept going to the office almost the whole time).

       I have really upped my cooking game and have learned how to bake bread and many of bread’s cousins like bagels, pizza dough (and pro tip: you don’t need a pizza oven if you have a gas grill — put the pizza stone on the grill, crank the heat all the way up, close the lid, and you’re good to go!), hamburger buns, English muffins, and so on.

       We’ve done lots of big and little house projects and by the time we’re done it’s going to be just perfect for us.

       As someone else said upthread, I’ve rediscovered my love of reading and have been reading All The Books. It makes me feel like my long-ago bookworm self in a good and comforting way.

   26. – I got a huge promotion
       – I’m finally following through on a longtime fitness goal of mine (yoga teacher training)
       – I went a handful of dates in the summer and fall (when cases were low and outdoor activities were abundant) after a couple of lonely “rebuilding years” following some personal trauma/grief
       – I realized how depressed I’ve been in recent years because of how good I’m feeling now
       – I upgraded a bunch of stuff in my house with all the money I saved from not traveling in 2020

2. Tell me your bittersweet leaving-a-job stories.

   I’m negotiating and offer and will soon be giving notice at my company. I’ve been here six years, developed good relations, learned a lot, and I think have contributed. However a re .org six months ago landed me with a terrible boss and a shift in company strategy meansmy skills are not as required as they were. It’s time to move on and I will, but I feel a bit sad about it. If I could have found a way to stay I would have.

   How do you say goodbye and move on when it feels bittersweet?

   1. Remember that it’s just a job.

      https://www.nytimes.com/2021/04/07/opinion/google-job-harassment.html?action=click&module=Opinion&pgtype=Homepage

   2. I loved many parts of my last job. I loved my staff, I loved my coworkers, I loved the type of work I did. I loved the building I worked in and I loved that I was really good at the hard parts of that job. I still miss those parts of it.

      But I don’t miss the manufactured crises that happened every day. I honestly left that job 95% because I needed a job where I didn’t have to stress that I wouldn’t be able to pick my kids up from daycare at the end of the day.

      For me, it still feels bittersweet because it seems like such a fixable problem. (As I’m writing this, I keep thinking: Can’t I get a nanny? Or just leave from 4:30-5:30 and then log back on?). But… I know it was the right choice. So I guess my answer is: I focus on the reality version, not the idealized version and keep the fond memories.

   3. I think it’s really normal to feel this way! These are real relationships and skills that you’ve built, and it’s only natural to low-key mourn what was. In time, though, I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised how easily you move on to the next thing.

   4. I was in tears leaving both companies I quit, both for better offers and fits for my career. I felt guilty and torn about leaving good people. I do not regret leaving either job. You’re making a good choice for you.

      You are – sorry – replaceable. Even if that means they hire 5 people to do your job. They will be fine, you will be fine, and if you have good relationships, they are likely to stay after your transition.

   5. I worked for one employer for 8 years, the next for 20, so I am definitely not a job hopper. The first I left for an opportunity that was unique. The second I left because the company was changing so much, hiring and then laying off people (a lot of which I had to do as a senior manager) and I felt at odds with their direction, or lack thereof. The job I left for only lasted 4 years and was a bad fit for me in the long run so it was really sort of an escape hatch.

      I find myself missing the 20 year job a lot, and have some regret about the 4 year job following. But I remind myself that what I miss about the 20 year job was my experience there for the first 15 years of the 20, and what I miss about it doesn’t exist any more. The people I miss working with are also no longer there. I think I more miss having a job I felt passionate about and agreed with the mission.

3. Tw weight loss. Has anyone tried Noom? It followed me around on social media enough that I decided to sign up for the free trial. I was using mfp to track my food but I’ve been pretty inconsistent about it. I thought maybe something with a little pizazz would keeps me more engaged. The program seems good but I’m hesitating because of the price. As an aside, I wasnt prepared to be so emotionally affected by the psychology aspect but apparently I really needed to hear this yesterday: you don’t need to be perfect to be successful. I don’t know anyone who’s using Noom and I’m curious about the longer term benefits. Was it worth the hefty sticker price? Were you able to keep up with the daily lessons?

   1. I tried Noom three times — like you, I saw so many ads on social media I just tried it/gave it another go — and cancelled all three times within a month because I didn’t think it was worth the price.

      The most recent time we didn’t really have any coach. The psychology aspect is interesting but not anything I haven’t heard before. The first couple of times my “coach” changed a few times with in the trial period, and I found no connection with others in my group. I was also on 1200 calories a day which is just too low. I saw nothing that I thought was worth the price, so I found other options (recently – intermittent fasting, low carb, lifting weights and Pelotoning a few times each week).

   2. I quit after a week because the food logging feature was awful.

   3. My husband tried it but I think mainly used the calorie counting, nutrition tracking, and weight-tracking features (he ignored the poor coach). It was actually working really well for him but he stopped staying on top of it so he quit the subscription.

   4. I tried it and it was actually awful for me personally. I found the constant messaging and pinging just made me think about food all the time and become quite anxious about it.

   5. I did it for about 4 months and lost 20 pounds. Then the pandemic hit and I put it back on. So… while they say “lose weight for good”, your mileage may vary. I initially hesitated due to cost as well, but if you search online there are ALWAYS promo codes to bring down the cost, you just have to do a bit of digging. The daily lessons got annoying for me after a while. It does help one stay accountable, but at the end of the day, it’s still logging your food. I would recommend giving it a try for a few months, though.

   6. Caphillstyle had a post on it and several people commented.
      https://caphillstyle.com/capitol/2020/10/07/saw-it-on-social-noom.html

   7. I tried it twice and each time gained more fat and lost muscle. The 1200 calorie diet is just plain too low and threw my body into starvation mode.

   8. My undergrad degree is in nutrition, though I don’t work in the field. I hated Noom personally and thought it dumbed things down way too much. I’ve enjoyed StrongerU for macros counting with a live coach. Not cheap, but I needed to learn how to better budget my calories and find a style of eating that could adapt based upon my needs and lifestyle. I think macros are a good fit for that, for me. If you have previously had an eating disorder or dabbled in disordered eating or have an obsessive streak, macros are NOT for you.

   9. I started using Noom, and I liked the psychological aspect. But the cost was prohibitively high for me, and the color coding food system was *very* triggering for me. If you have any history of an ED, or unhealthy restrictions on food I would stay clear of Noom. I used Weigh Watchers under the original points plus system to good results, and that didn’t trigger me like Noom did.

      1. Agreed. I found it to be really mentally unhealthy.

4. DH and I are soon to be first time homebuyers. Two unrelated questions- first, yesterday’s post had me thinking that i have no idea what needs annual maintenance. Is there a book i can read or something? And second- what type of work on the home is ideal to do before moving in vs. what can wait til later?

   1. Congratulations! Our previous owners were still here when we arrived with a moving van so we didn’t have time to do anything. But if we had time, I’d have done the flooring and painting (but just because it’ll involve wallpaper removal and replastering, and it sounds annoying and messy). If you want to replace flooring, it would be good to do that now.

   2. Anything messy or that requires construction/deconstruction! I’d even put painting in that category. Of course it’s possible to paint after you move in, but it’s sure a lot easier in an empty room.

   3. 1. Talk to your parents? They have had homes to maintain for 30-40 years longer than we have, so odds are they can help you think through. Things like changing filters, what you have tuned-up annually, what are no-nos with certain things (like, septic tank? No flushing t-mpons and you probably don’t want to overuse the garbage disposal), etc.

      2. Agree with Cb that if you want to refinish or update the flooring, there is no better time than when you have an empty house. I personally would wait to paint because I like seeing a color through multiple walls, multiple days (overcast, sunny, etc) before deciding. You may want to do a one-time deep clean (hire out) because there’s no way a house that has just been emptied by movers is going to feel great barefoot immediately.

      1. i know you don’t mean anything by this, but not all of us have parents we can ask.

         1. So substitute “parent” for someone else in your life who has owned their home for awhile. Sometimes the previous homeowners will leave a vendor list or your neighbors will know particulars about maintaining homes in your neighborhood.

         2. You know, the other person I could/would ask for this would be the person who did your home inspection.

            We got an amazingly thorough report and the one thing that we ‘messed up’ was literally something they had told us to do in that report.

            1. Agree, the home inspector is a great person to ask and you should be following them around the house pointing things out and asking questions. Personally my relatives aren’t great at maintaining their homes so I wouldn’t ask them. :)

            2. Also your realtor. We are friends with a realtor who keeps a list of every conceivable tradesperson and they’re all really good because it’s her reputation on the line when she recommends them.

   4. I think somebody on here suggested it – if there’s ever a chance that you might want to paint the closets, do it before you put things in. Because once you move stuff in… you’re never gonna paint the inside of the closets.

      1. Amen!

         Something went awry with my closet shelving. Our builder fixed the shelves but is on me to schedule painters to repaint. I keep saying it is too disruptive to even consider. I’d like it repainted but the closet fairy would need to do it now.

   5. Deep cleaning and renovating anything indoors is much easier before you move in. If I had the luxury of time, I would do any renovation work including painting, floor refinishing, wallpaper, changing out lighting & plumbing fixtures, any door and cabinet hardware swaps, etc. If the attic needs more insulation, I would have that done before I moved in. I would get the ducts cleaned because I would rather not live with whatever unknown crud is in them, and I would rather not be there breathing it in while the dust settles afterword. I would also have the carpets all cleaned, and a general deep cleaning done.

   6. I think you’re best off living in a house for awhile before making any big changes, but the exception to that rule is replacing flooring of any sort.

      1. I replaced both wood and tile flooring after living in my house for a while. The tile was more disruptive than the wood. Neither one was unmanageable.

         Wallpaper removal is a huge, messy job and I would advice getting it all removed before moving in.

         1. +10000000. Also, if you have a lot of wallpaper to remove, I highly recommend a steamer. The house we bought a year ago had wallpaper in three rooms and a hallway and it was absolutely worth the $80.

            Related, get any patching, sanding and painting done before you move in, if you can. Drywall dust gets everywhere.

   7. There are a number of “annual maintenance checklists” online, that would be a good place to peruse. I also really like the book Home Comforts by Cheryl Mendelson, which has lots of tips on how to keep things running and looking good.

      Painting and floors are good to do before you move in.

      My top tip is to gather numbers of people you would call in an emergency — plumber, electrician, handyman, etc. — your realtor may have some names, or your neighborhood Nextdoor etc should. In a crisis you want to have those names already in your phone rather than having to figure out who to call.

      Also, if you live somewhere with heavy rains, make sure you understand the drainage/waterproofing system of your house and it’s worth the small extra charge for sewage/sump backup insurance on your homeowners policy.

      1. Yes, the previous owners left us a list of numbers of previous contractors, good plumbers etc. Your neighbours might also have these details, we had a plumber in last week and he asked after all our neighbours by name.

   8. Omg answer: everything. Our first house wasn’t so bad- we moved in and everything had just been renovated and we were only there 5 years. Our second, and much larger, house…ugh it’s endless. We’ve been here 8 years.

   9. FLOORS and electrical work.

      Everything else obviously varies with what you need done – a bathroom renovation is easier to do without moving in, but floors are so hard to do after you move in!
      The floors in our place were fine enough when we moved in and we had them touched up but looking back I wish we just really went for it and did them.
      Ditto any electrical stuff. If you think you need any overhead lights etc. wired it’s messy work, do it now. While you’re at it, look at where your plugs are. It never even occurred to me but I curse our outlet placement every time I vacuum because there is one spot that had we just moved a plug there would have let me do the whole living area without unplugging. And check bathrooms. I didn’t even realize our bathrooms didn’t have outlets until after we moved in. It’s a pain.

   10. Maintenance is going to depend on what kind of place you have, your location and the home’s age. And different things will go wrong, it’s just all a matter of time. HOAs tend to have aging reports that you can use to figure out bigger stuff and when it might need a fix so try googling for that. For example, in a city building, I haven’t had to do much annual maintenance other than change heat filters (no AC), but the place needs a roof touch up every 10-25 years, paint about every 8-10, and fixing stuff all the time that goes wrong. In the country, annually I get the gutters and roof cleaned off, don’t have central heat so no filters to clear, occasionally have to call plumbers out because a critter got in the pipes and spray for ants. It’s just going to depend.

       On before you move in, my vote is anything you plan to change and can afford to do now. I also absolutely would paint at a minimum – even if you just go to one clean color (I usually start with Simply White by Benjamin Moore and paint some doors black) and change later, the whole place will feel fresh and good. I personally like old floors but I also will have a clear coat out on them if they’re hardwood to polish them up a bit.

   11. My refinished floors are the single greatest source of joy in my house.

   12. I just passed the 8th anniversary of buying my home and honestly, the only thing that I wished I’d done prior to moving in was to get the hardwood floors refinished and had the ducts cleaned out (SO DUSTY). A kitchen reno was/is high on that list, but I didn’t have the money to do it and still don’t haha. Everything else (painting, redoing closets, replacing blinds, etc.), I’ve just done slowly over the years without any huge disruptions.

       As for annual home maintenance, it really depends where you are – I’m in the snowy Northeast so furnace cleaning, winterizing, storm windows and screens, lawn care, snow removal are all ‘things’ for up here.

       Congratulations!!!

5. Now that “normal” is in sight, I need to figure out what to do about my job. Working from home has been a disaster for me. I’m fully vaccinated now, and I’ve been back in the office for two weeks. It has been the biggest relief to discover that I can think again! Truly it has been a night and day difference – I thought the stress of the pandemic was why I couldn’t focus at home but it turns out I just don’t have critical reasoning skills outside of my office. Now I am faced with the fact that the last year has basically set my work reputation on fire.

   I need to decide whether to stay and try to rebuild my reputation, or move on and start fresh. When I think back, I’ve never seen someone rebuild successfully (although maybe the collective nature of the last year makes it different?), which has me thinking it’s time to cut my losses and move on. But I’ve never failed at work before, and the idea of leaving an awful reputation behind feels bad too. I suspect this is a case where there are no good alternatives and I just need to find the least bad option.

   I know a lot of other people are in similar positions of feeling like the last year has been career crushing, and I’m curious how you’re planning for the next year or so.

   1. No answer, but two suggestions.

      First, are you sure your reputation is as tarnished as you think it is? Working from home offers a lot of opportunity to ruminate on mistakes that few people notice and even fewer remember. And everyone struggled this year. Can you have a coffee with a relatively objective colleague who could reset your thinking on this?

      Second, if you decide to move on, could you try to reframe it failing to succeeding? Rather than ‘failing’ at work, you did what you could in very difficult circumstances and successfully planned your next step.

      1. +1 – I highly doubt you lost your reputation over the last year absent some massive kerfuffle. You don’t mention one so I’m going to kindly go with “it’s in your head.” The last year sucked. Traumatic no matter if you got lucky and had an “easy” pandemic year, comparatively. Stick it out, no one judges you like you judge you.

      2. +1
         I literally thought I was about to be fired and got a glowing review + significant raise last year.

   2. No question job search. Do it now before you are desperate.

   3. Stick it out for 6-12 months. At that point, you’ll be in your “day” and you’ll be able to tell if your reputation was impacted by the past year. (Or if it was, if it was salvageable by the good work you did once you came back to the office.) You can start your job search then, knowing you tried your best. And also by that point, more offices will be hitting their returns to office, so you’ll get a much better sense of what the company will look like with it’s new normal. Some offices are going back to the office full time, some are doing hybrids, etc. If you know WFH is tough for you, you’ll want to have a pretty good idea of the team’s remote work plans before you jump in.

      As an aside, explore why wfh was a disaster for you. Do you need the in-person team interaction? Was it because everyone else in your family was home? Etc. If, for example, you thrive in the office because your whole team is back in the office and interacting, you’ll want to be wary of places that offer a flexible schedule – if your team all picks to wfh 4 days a week, and you’re at the office all week, that likely won’t solve your problem.

   4. Are you me? Seriously, I could have written this. I’ve put in applications for other jobs knowing that the hiring process for where I’d go can take six months. I’d be shifting to a field that I’ve wanted to do for a long time, and trash year or no, I’d have to make the shift between now and a year from now so it’s just lit a fire under me to take the chance. Even applying has made me feel better, because now I’m thinking about my strengths and what parts of my current situation are making me feel like I was terrible at my job when I really wasn’t. That self-reflection will help me evaluate any potential moves as well as help me rebuild at my current job.

      As a PP suggested, I also did talk objectively to some coworkers about getting myself out of the hole, and the overall response was 1) anything negative was limited to specific circumstances, most people didn’t know/care and my reputation was fine/good with those outside the specific circumstances 2) even the directly involved people will forget it because it wasn’t a massive screw up and 3) being inperson (for us, later this summer) will offer lots of opportunities to rebuild that aren’t available now. We really have missed all the little, positive interactions that smoothed relationships and helped head off miscommunication. Anyhow, I’ve started looking so that if I do end up making a move, I can do so not out of desperation but because it’s what’s really best for me. Applying for a new job doesn’t mean I have to take it.

      Best of luck.

6. Wise hive, what do you like like or dislike about cookbooks?

   I’ve been collecting and using my extended community’s recipes for years and have been approached about publishing them. Do you like background stories or information? How descriptive should a recipe be? What kind of photos are the most helpful? Is there any point to linking to videos online?

   1. Keep any narrative to one or two sentences. I want to cook, not read a novel.
      Give suggestions for variations on a theme, if appropriate.
      If a general purpose, workhorse cookbook, leave a few lined, blank pages at the end of each chapter to add in favorites acquired elsewhere.
      As far as I’m concerned, Bittman’s How to Cook Everything, 1st edition is the cookbook against which I judge all others.

   2. I dislike cookbooks that require handling while in use. They need to stay open to the necessary page without a fight, the recipe should all be on one page (or on one open spread, if it needs more space) and use a legible font & color.

      1. Ooh +1 to this. I like a little background, but not so much that it impedes functionality. (You could organize by chapter perhaps and include the background at the start, rather than by-recipe.)

      2. I also have strong opinions about this. No case binding or perfect binding, please. Spiral binding is far superior for the genre.

      3. Lay-flat bindings ONLY. Great point.

   3. I eat background stories UP. Please do tell me how the dish was born or how it comforted someone or how everyone remembers it. I personally would probably not bother to look up a video unless the recipe involved a complicated technique, or carving something (an Achilles heel of mine).

      1. Agreed on the videos. I want to see things in one place.

   4. Decide first if it’s a cookbook or a story book that happens to have recipes. I like the way Anthony Bourdain does cookbooks, mostly. List of ingredients, list of tools you need, instructions that are in plain English, with a glossary in the back for terms used frequently. The actual recipe is up front; not buried after paragraphs of stories. Simple clear instructions with white space between the steps (makes it harder to skip one accidentally). My favorite cookbooks also have photos of every recipe, so you know what it’s supposed to look like – this is where Bourdain’s could be better. Random thoughts, stories, maybe notes on substitutions or hints, should be after the recipe, in my view. I don’t mind – and sometimes read – an introductory chapter to the cookbooks about the author’s journey or the history of the cuisine.

      1. +1,000,000 to “I want to know what it’s supposed to look like.”

   5. I have zero interest in backstories but I can see how they would be relevant if it’s a cookbook for a specific community.

   6. This is very specific, but I love it when recipes (especially online but also in books) repeat quantities in the instructions section and not just in the ingredients section. I usually pull out but don’t measure all my ingredients before cooking, and it’s wonderful when a recipe says “add 1/2 TB cumin” or whatever instead of just “add the cumin” so I don’t have to scroll up/flip back a page to remember how much.

      1. Specific but dead on. Very few people actually measure quantities up front.

         1. They should, though. Mis en place changed my life, for reals.

   7. This is maybe too much for the project you have in mind, but I prefer recipes where either (1) I know and trust the author to have tested the recipes so the instructions can be trusted or (2) there are comments that tell me all the things that will go wrong, so I can adjust accordingly.
      It might be too much for your project, but I think that can be replicated somewhat in a cookbook when you either test the recipes repeatedly and adjust as needed and/or provide detailed guidance rather than just instructions. E.g., instead of “cook on high for 2 minutes”, it says “cook on high for 2 minutes or until liquid is half reduced”, etc. Descriptions of what you are looking for at each step is helpful.
      The more pictures the better. I also hate recipes that actually have a dozen sub-recipes.

   8. I love background stories and info. I need a picture of the end product or I’m not making it. No point linking to videos I can’t click a link on a hard copy book and I only buy hard copy cookbooks.

   9. I also love verbiage about each recipe but only if the style of the book demands it. Two of my favourite cookbooks are Midnight Chicken (which has loads of extra words) and The Roasting Tin (which has almost none).
      An illustration per recipe is ideal – I like to flip through recipe books for visual inspiration.
      If there’s a technique that’s likely to be new to people, either diagrams or suggested keywords to search online for videos could be useful. Eg midnight chicken has a good samosa folding diagram.

   10. That sounds like a great project! I don’t like long descriptions, though a sentence or two can be nice. I really like ingredient suggestions/substitutions – I prefer the recipe to be as flexible as possible as far as things that might be expensive or hard to find, and I love having variations available. Also, any tips you can work in about what to look for (how to know something is done cooking, what sort of produce is best, etc.) are really helpful. I recommend numbering the steps and trying to be sure each number is a true separate step, to make it easier to follow (I love Cook’s Illustrated, but they’re bad about putting 4 different steps together as one). Try to keep the entire thing (ingredients and instructions) on a single page or two facing pages if possible (don’t make me have to flip back and forth). Be specific about amounts – include weights and volumes, try to avoid something like “3 potatoes” when those could vary in size a lot. Serving suggestions are always nice, particularly if its the sort of thing that might be paired with rice or pasta or similar. Suggestions for using leftovers are also great.

       I wouldn’t be interested in videos (unless there’s some extremely unusual technique). For pictures, focus on the finished product, and be sure to show how items should be shaped and placed on the plate.

       Wow, I didn’t realize I had so many thoughts!

   11. If it’s a cuisine that may be new to people, offer suggestions for traditional side dishes or pairings. I grew up eating farmer meals – meat and potatoes with a side of veggies – so I don’t have an innate sense of what goes together in other cuisines. I love recipes that suggest “serve with a side of couscous” or “typically served with a meat dish, usually poultry” or “always served with either X or Y sauce” or whatever.

       And agreed with the above – maybe a section at the beginning with background stories, but for the recipe please just give me the ingredients and steps and a photo of the finished meal so I know what it should look like.

   12. I think if you are writing a cookbook about a “community” cuisine, it has to have a fair amount of background in it. If I am reading that, it is likely because I have a desire to better understand or fit into that community. So if there is a dish that is always always served at a particular holiday, I need to know that. If there are dishes always served together, always served a particular way, I need to know that. If the dish has evolved, or is one where everyone has thier own version, or there are regional versions, I want to known that and know that the recipe is your version and the extent to which I am free to riff on it without upsetting anyone.
       If there are traditions and/or holidays, please include prose on them and maybe even a proposed menu.

   13. So many good points here!
       I like it when recipes have both timing and descriptions of what to look for when cooking. Like “sauté ten minutes until golden.” Sometimes recipes just have “sauté ten minutes” or “sauté until golden”, and I like to have both benchmarks.
       Definitely pictures of final product.
       Suggestions of what to eat things with or sides that would pair well if the recipe is not for a self contained meal.
       Suggestions for storage of leftover and how to reheat if it’s something that makes large quantities.
       An index where you can search my ingredients not just recipe. Like if I have bell peppers I want to use up, I’d like to see all recipes where it can be used, not just as a main ingredient.
       Yes to background info and a story.
       Agree about keeping each recipe on one page or spread and also repeating quantities.
       I find Mark Bittman’s How to Cook Everythjng Fast super functional and practical- it is also formatted so prep steps are worked into the recipe- ie if you can chop one ingredient while another simmers, it is written like that rather than having you prechop everything. I mean I get mise en scene, but sometimes it’s not efficient.

   14. Oh my gosh!! I am a huge cookbook lover! I have a huge collection and read them for fun. I’m especially fond of community cookbooks <3

       I love background info, of course. I think Ina's cookbooks are especially good for striking the balance between just recipes and memoirs that include recipes. She has a couple sentences before each recipe that highlight why the recipe is a favorite or what pairs well with it or a common pitfall or a don't substitute admonition.

       A picture for every completed recipe is great, but understandably maybe not possible. I don't need or want step by step photos if the recipes rely on common techniques. If you can't do a picture, maybe add a bit more color to the sentences preceding the recipe so we can get a feel for it.

       I'm not a video fan. Unless maybe this is an ethnic cookbook and your audience is people who might not be familiar with this cuisine's techniques.

       Oh gosh, what a fun project! I'll live vicariously through you :)

   15. Regaridng videos…check out Nancy Birtwhistle’s cookbook. She has a printed hardback cookbook and it has QR codes that link to videos online. Best of both worlds.

   16. I can’t stand long background stories, mood descriptions or info om the writer’s life in a recipe, and have found that those are the cookbooks I never use. I want the facts. I never read the “why these carrots remind me of my trip to Paris” blog post, either. And I certainly don’t want a video (unless it’s Maangchi).

       For each recipe I want:
       Ingredients listed clearly with measurements or any specifics – if there is supposed to be 300 grams beetroot and the beetroot will be boiled, I want to know if the measurement is before or after boiling (same with rice, for example). Oven temp for preheating with the ingredients. Number of servings in recipe.

       Clear instructions, with relevant information about texture, colour, sounds and touch. (Especially important for recipes with flour, where local humidity will have an impact on how much liquid to use for similar results)

       Modifications or tips at the end, not in the instructions, including suggested substitutions for hard-to-find ingredients. Serving suggestions. Will it reheat? Freeze? Which steps can be prepared the day before?

       If it’s important – for the community bit – that the recipes are personal, say auntie Polly’s brownies, or grandpa John’s best bread? Then by all means, add the story, but in a box or something after the recipe. Don’t make the reader plow through the story before even getting to the recipe itself.

       I don’t need pictures, but I think it’s a good idea to include them. Finished product, anything else should be about a very difficult or unusual step. No filler or mood pictures of baskets of lemons. Picture of grandpa John after his recipe would be fine.

       Add a useful index. Which means the grandpa John’s bread can be found under both bread, and grandpa. For a bolognese, that could mean a line under both: pasta sauce, meat sauce, tomato sauce, grandpa John and bolognese.

   17. Personally, I do not like a lot of background stories. I mostly know a) what do I need? b) how much heat and for how long? and to some extent c) what order should I do stuff in? A brief paragraph about where it came from is fine, but I’m not interested in reading (or scrolling past) a short story before getting to the useful information.

       That said, visuals that show me what things should look like at different stages are helpful, especially if it’s a technique or process I’m unfamiliar with.

   18. 1) picture of every finished dish. Also pictures of how to do things, for instance butterflying a chicken breast, if it’s hard to describe in words

       2) short narrative for each recipe but maybe if you need to describe certain regions or types of dishes in your community, do it all at the beginning of the chapter and not interspersed with the recipes. Joy of Cooking does a good job of this

       3) a separate chapter at the end of the book about hard to source ingredients

       4) definitely a lay flat open book

       5) an excellent index that lists every conceivable thing – again, Joy of Cooking is excellent at this

7. Anyone want to talk perfume? I could use some new scent inspiration!

   I’ve gotten really into ordering samples and mixing new ones into my rotation. I have strong reactions to many scents and enjoy surrounding myself with a variety.

   Lately, this is what I’ve been enjoying:

   Everyday: Glossier You. Basic, but I really enjoy it and it kind of goes with everything.
   Everyday but more sophisticated: Jo Malone Peony and Blush Suede
   Everyday but lately I’m less into it: Juliette Has a Gun Anyway
   Spring: Dusita La Douceur de Siam. This is spring in a bottle to me!
   Sexy: Anything Byredo: Bal d’Afrique, Black Saffron, Gypsy Water, or Mojave Ghost.
   Fresh and interesting: Memo Marfa
   Warm floral: Ormonde Jayne Frangipani
   Summery vacation: Ormonde Jayne Sampaquita

   I also LOVE all the Hermes Jardin scents. So fresh and crisp.

   Oh, and I enjoy the Le Labo Santal 33 and the Maison Marie knockoff (have the candle of this as well and it’s great). As you can see, my preferences are all over the place.

   Scents everyone else seems to love that I don’t like:
   Flowerbomb, Marc Jacobs Daisy, D&G Light Blue, Chloe, the Nest and Clean brands

   Share yours!

   1. I don’t wear perfume often but I love viva la juicy! I have a body spritz by philosophy called snow angels that I use everyday.

   2. +1 on Jo Malone. Wonderful for subtle but complex scents.

      I do find myself wearing fragrance less overall, though – even in Before Times. There are three people in my office who I try to sit as far away from as possible in meetings because their perfume (or cologne – one is a man) gives me a headache, and I do not want to have that effect on anyone else, however good *I* think I smell. So perfume is for home or days to be spent mostly outdoors.

      1. Thank you for doing this. I’ve gotten severe headaches from coworkers’ perfume and the effect is definitely NOT “wow she smells amazing.” Wearing it on home or outdoor days is a great compromise.

      2. Same, I stopped wearing it to work since my desk neighbor was overpowering enough for both of us.
         I’ve enjoyed wearing more perfumes while wfh.

      3. OP here and I definitely agree. Should have mentioned that I WFH and live alone, so no one is affected by my capricious perfume desires except me!

   3. I love that Jo Malone scent.

   4. My everyday scent is Lush Lord of Misrule. It’s vanilla, black pepper, and patchouli. It’s slightly sweet, and heady – and not at all girly. I love it!

   5. I have been using all the little samples I has set aside for travel. My surprise win was Prada Iris, I don’t usually like either Prada or irises, but this is a sophisticated floral that isn’t too sweet.

      1. Thanks for mentioning that one! I love the dusty and powdery scent of iris, will have a look at this one.

   6. I love Jo Malone scents but man they last like five minutes.

      Nest Midnight Fleur is my “signature” scent, I love it and it lasts forever. I also wear Kai a lot, and it’s the scent that men most frequently comment on when I wear it. I love Le Labo Lys but I can’t afford it so I just have the tiny samples. As you can see I really love white florals.

   7. How funny – I just ordered a perfume sample! I’ve been wearing Demeter Salt Air for years – I love the ocean and want to smell like it – but I’m running low and it’s hard to find now. Imaginary Authors has been popping up on social media and I think their Every Storm a Serenade might be a good replacement.

   8. Creed – Jardin d’Amalfi. It’s orange without being overpowering. I find the Creed scents generally to have good staying power without projecting themselves across the room.

   9. So I realize this is super fancy of me, but I went to a perfumer in Paris and described what scents I was drawn to and they helped me find the exact right scent for me. It’s Un Matin d’Orage by Annick Goutal, a watery green floral. I can’t buy it here so it’s a great memory of a great trip and experience, so I cherish wearing it. (PS I work from home)

      The thing I liked the most about the perfumer was they sent me out of the shop with samples the first day and wouldn’t sell me a full sized bottle until I wore the scent for a few days of my trip to make sure I liked it. They also gave me samples of an “evening” scent which I liked in the store day one, but ended up not buying because I didn’t like it by day three. So they were right.

      Anyway I highly recommend doing this kind of thing once we all start traveling again. Scent is so associated with memories and my scent has me wandering the streets of Paris every time I wear it.

      1. That sounds like an absolute dream! : )

      2. I’ve been meaning to do this in London. There’s a place in Mayfair which sounds just like your experience.

   10. Good timing, Sephora VIB sale starts tomorrow!

       I’ve been wearing the peony Jo Malone one or Chanel Chance Vive during the day and Killian Princess for night. I’m kind of tired of them and will check out everyone’s favorites. Maybe I’m crazy but I usually blind buy a new one during the VIB sale without testing it. I have the Huda Beauty Kayali Vanilla/28 & Musk Rollerball in my cart and am thinking of adding one of the Jo Malone intense colognes.

   11. I only wear perfume when I’m WFH or mostly outdoors as well. I’ve been wearing Le Labo Santal 33 for years and don’t think I’ll ever tire of it. In the winter I rotate in Tom Ford Tobacco Vanille. I love Tom Ford fragrances. I also like Maison Margiela’s REPLICA By the fireplace scent, its sort of sticky sweet in a way. I have a sample of Byredo Sundaze that I’m really liking for spring, I would consider purchasing a travel size if it existed. I typically only buy travel sizes because they take years for me to use up.

   12. Based on your non-likes, you probably don’t like fruity florals, most of those are mostly fruity sweet.

       I don’t do those either, they tend to turn very sour and sort of cat-wee-like on my skin. Leathery and powdery, however, blends in perfectly.

8. Does anyone else feel like screentime is ruining your life a bit? I’m so, so addicted to my phone and iPad and that’s WITH taking active steps to reduce my time, to focus on my hobbies, etc. I have hobbies, I have interests, I love doing things outside, I read books about how damaging screentime is – and yet my hand goes automatically to my phone! I’ve removed all social media apps and taken other steps, but it doesn’t stop me from reaching for it just in case I’ve gotten a text or there’s something in the news. WHY is it so addictive, even for adults? All I know is that if I do have kids, I’m going to HAVE to change for their benefit. I simply have to.

   1. I think you have to go cold turkey, this weekend maybe? Set yourself up for success – queue up reading materials, projects, things to do. I did really well for awhile until I moved my charger upstairs (from the kitchen). My phone is super boring now, but I’ll still pick it up absent-mindedly.

      1. I’ve tried that many times ?. it works for that day, no problem, but doesn’t stick.

   2. So many screens in the past year have really killed my attention span. I’m a huge reader (normally) but can barely get into a book anymore.

      1. +1 This is me too now, and I really this dislike this about myself.

   3. Commiseration. I could’ve written this. I have become completely addicted to the ‘gram during the past year. I know it’s terrible for me. I seem to do better when I have magazines and other picture-heavy things around my living room/bedroom; I can look at those for escapism instead.

   4. Yes. I think the messaging at the beginning of the pandemic made things worse for me. On the one hand, it did make sense to tell everyone “do what you need to do to get through lockdown, it’s not the time to beat yourself up about screentime,” but now it’s been over a year and I think I was too permissive/am still too permissive. I keep using screentime a lot even when it has negative impacts on my mental health.

   5. The phone and the apps are all designed to be addictive, just like cigarettes.

      The main thing that works for me is putting the phone very far away. When we are outside, I will connect the phone to the bluetooth speaker for music, but then put the phone inside. If we are hanging out in the living room, my phone is in my bedroom. Etc.

      1. This. A lot of social engineering goes into keeping you on your screen for as long as possible. That is literally the metric of success for app developers. So a lot of very highly educated people invest a lot of time in keeping you glued to your phone.
         Some things that have helped me a little bit – go into your phone settings and change the display to grayscale. This way it provides less visual interest for your brain.
         Also reflect on what it does to you to constantly check the news and what would happen if you just missed out on the news for a few days. Not saying that one epiphany is a magic pill, but it can be part of a process. I’ve removed my login on my main (paywalled) news site from the phone, so I can only scroll through the headlines. If I see an article that I really want to read, it’s an intentional step to go to my computer and open it there. Also set a time limit on your most used apps.

   6. It’s good that you’ve removed all the social media apps from your phone. Next thing I would suggest is muting all your text messages. I only have sounds or vibrations for 2-3 of the most important people in my life (child, partner, parents). Try and do that for the news apps as well or removed them completely. At one point in the day, give yourself 30 minutes or so to look at anything and everything you want. Then put the phone out of sight. I understand these suggestions are pretty extreme but addiction (your words) requires drastic measures.

      1. It’s embarrassing to admit that I already do that and I still pick up my phone in case any silent notifications came in. I honestly feel shame just typing that.

         1. I would work on getting rid of your shame and embarrassment. It’s not like you are addicted to scamming elderly people or kicking puppies. You just look at your phone too much, like most other people with smartphones.

            1. I agree with working on your feelings of shame. Therapy is a good start.
               Addiction to technology is real and can be just as destructive as a sex addiction, a substance use disorder or an eating disorder. Real change takes real work.

         2. Why not try therapy? A problem and it’s surrounding feelings are exactly what it’s there for.

   7. Definitely mute text messages, turn off all sound notifications, and remove all notifications for news and other apps. You don’t need it. You can choose when to look at the news—you do not need to respond to every breaking news item.

      Good luck!

   8. Yes. And I don’t have kids, but I have a very engaged dog who will knock my phone out of my hand or nose my laptop to try to tell me it’s been too much already.

   9. Hi! My friend wrote a book that may help you. I’m sad to say I haven’t yet read it so I can’t say if it works but he has good reviews!
      The 7-Day Digital Diet: How to Use Your Phone Less and Live More by Tim David. Available on Kindle too.

   10. Me too. Exacerbating the problem is the fact that, being alone during All This, my phone is my only way to communicate with anyone other than myself, so I don’t want to shut myself away from it. I am pretty good at leaving it in my bag when I’m out and about with other people.

   11. I was listening to a podcast the other day and the host (a research scientist) was saying that when they have to truly focus they go put their phone in their car. While I haven’t gone that far, I will go put my phone on a charger in the next room to keep myself away from it. Important things come to my apple watch, so I’m not missing important texts and calls, but I have to get up and walk to my phone to mindlessly scroll, which definitely cuts it down.

   12. A few more suggestions. My husband bought me this box that supposedly sanitizes your phone. Everytime it is opened and closed a light on top lights up for 10 minutes. If I have to get my phone out during this time I can, but I try to keep it in there for the 10 minutes. I have the box behind me so I don’t see it as easily either. I also get texts and calendar reminders to my FitBit so I’m not missing anything important. That has helped me be comfortable being away from my phone during the workday.

       Anyway, I’m also addicted to this website. So, when the phone is in the box, I try to dedicate my time to work only until the 10 minute light goes off. By the time it does, I’m usually in a groove and it is easier to keep going. If I find myself on the phone again too much, it goes back in the box. You can’t sanitize it too often. It is just UV light or something like that.

   13. I know you’ve gotten a lot of responses, but “How to Break Up with Your Phone”, a 30 Day guide was massively helpful to me when I was ready for it. When you talk about how ‘cold turkey’ didn’t work for you – I get it! It didn’t work for me, either. At the end of a 30-day phone reduction, then you spend the day without your phone, and for me, the build-up, the understanding of what was driving me to be on my phone (‘human’ interaction, connection, boredom) was critical to making some lasting changes. To this day (2… 3? years later) only text messages and my kid’s daycare app’s messages send notifications. Everything else, including my personal email, is notification-free. Do I still occasionally doom-scroll? Yes, but it’s not as frequent, and I largely use my phone to read books & text friends.

       1. GREAT BOOK !!!!

   14. Getting notifications on my watch for texts, calls, and work emails actually helps me cut down on my phone time. I hate the anxiety of not knowing whether I missed something urgent. With my watch, I know I’m on top of it so I don’t have to constantly check my phone. I’m VERY selective about what notifications I get though. Notifications are turned off for all other apps including my personal email, unless I’m waiting on like food delivery.

   15. Thanks everyone, I appreciate the suggestions. Now to implement…

9. Has anyone had or recovered from a frozen shoulder? Experiences? How disabling is this condition? TIA

   1. I had surgery in March and post-op care emphasized that I needed to move my arm/shoulder to not get frozen shoulder. But they also said PT would fix it if it happened.

   2. I had it start right around March of last year actually! Began with a tendinitis like pain, and then realized in babying it I couldn’t move it anymore! Went to the doc in may and got a shot because it was still painful, and did a bit of PT. It’s probably 80-90% better now—still not quite as flexible as my other arm/shoulder, but functional. Would be an issue if I were doing yoga probably, but may try to get back to some of that once all this is over.

      I have a friend who ended up having surgery though. It’s super weird.

   3. My husband and a friend had it. It kept them from moving the shoulder much at all. With exercises/PT, they recovered in 6 months to a year. The shots didn’t seem to help FWIW.

   4. My husband had it. He messed around with chiropractic care for too long and too $ and finally gave PT another try, which totally fixed it for him in a few months.

10. This is a muumuu. And I’m into muumuus, but let’s be honest.

    1. I really like this dress.

    2. No, it’s not. It has a clearly defined waist. It’s a shirt dress.

       1. Right, this doesn’t look like a muumuu at all.

       2. Agree it’s a shirt dress.

          I think there’s some size-ism at play here. OP you probably wouldn’t think this was a muumuu on a straight sized model.

11. Do any of you have a donor advised fund that you are happy with? We give away five figures a year for a frame of reference.

    1. I have experience from the other end as someone who worked at a NGO. Please donate because you want to and because you believe in the cause. We used to have files for every major giver which basically boiled down to how much the organization had to to stroke their ego. It was a little disheartening that most donors required so many resources to be happy, hours were wasted picking out photos, arranging lunches, designing public acknowledgments etc. which could have been used to actually help the cause instead.

       1. I take it you weren’t actually in development, because this is just part of fundraising.

    2. You could check with your local Community Foundation. I’m on the board of mine, and we do a lot of this.

    3. Yes – we have a donor advised fund that is a local endowment fund that is itself a beneficiary of the investments. I’d look into something like that.

    4. Schwab. You can set up your own.

    5. My parents have one at Fidelity and are happy with it.

12. I have very lightly sketched out what would be a 1 – 2 year new position assignment, which I believe would provide a huge value add to my entire organization. It’s an area I am already considered the SME in (and which I really enjoy) and a project that has been on my radar for a couple of years now, but because of my workload, haven’t been able to action. My mentor is a senior leader in my department (outside of my reporting structure) and when I spoke to her about it was incredibly enthusiatic and supportive. She is encouraging me to put together a formal proposal for the leader of the team under which I think the new project-based position should reside. Has anyone done this before? Any tips? My mentor is going to assist, but I want to get her something that is as good as I can come up with to review. I’m struggle a bit with where to start – any help is GREATLY appreciated.

13. Where do you put your bag/purse when you get home? I’m rethinking our entryway setup and am curious what others do. Ideally, I’d like a hook to hang my purse on, but I feel like it frays the leather strap. What do you all do?

    1. A shelf in the coat closet. Hanging, swinging bags are not a thing in our feline-friendly house.

    2. My entry way has the IKEA hemnes tv unit as a bench, two thin hemnes bookcases on either side, and tjusig hooks above the bench. My purse goes on the bench, a shelf, or a hook depending on what I feel like in the moment.

    3. Work tote is set on a bench near the door because it’s heavy. Lighter-weight purses go on hook by the door, but to your point about fraying, I keep an old scarf over one of the hooks to provide a cushion against the harsh slope of the hook.

    4. We have an Ikea Shoe Cabinet on one side (one door per family member). There’s just enough room on top for a catchall for DH’s keys, a small basket with things like hand sanitizer and a small hair brush, and room for my purse.
       We repurposed our entry closet – when you open it, it’s got a bench inside to sit for putting on shoes, and we each keep one coat on the side. Under the bench are bins for shoes that aren’t worn every day. There are hooks on the back for kids backpacks/ daycare bags. The top shelf holds all the winter items and dog items and our hiking backpack.

    5. I am sad to say I put it on one of the chairs at the breakfast table. I even installed purse hooks on the kitchen island/breakfast bar (because what’s a bar without purse hooks, amirite?) but somehow that’s too much trouble. I’m a mess…

       1. This is me, also.

    6. I have a small purse, so it goes on an antique telephone table next to the door. There’s also a basket for random stuff on the telephone table and I made a teeny tiny pad/cover to protect the wood from the scuffs and such of keys, phone, purse hardware, etc.

    7. Either on the entryway table where we put the mail and have key baskets and phone chargers, or preferably in my home office, which is just off the entryway. I prefer to put it on top of a desk height bookshelf because I don’t trust my dog, but it also ends up on one of the two chairs in my office pretty often.

14. In your opinion, what are the best looking (or least ugy) Birkenstocks?

    1. Personal preference for the styles with thinner straps (the Florida or Yao) but I mean honestly… they’re Birks.

       My least favorite is the Gizeh because of the shape of the part that sits over the toes, but I know it’s a popular style.

    2. I’ve had the Mayari and Florida and think they’re pretty good style-wise, as far as Birks go.

    3. Mayari for sure. I like the thinner straps. I’m not fooling anyone – they’re still birks- but I love my metallic bronze ones. They feel a little fancy.

    4. The ones you aren’t wearing. Sorry. Don’t get it.

       1. It’s all about the comfort and the shape of the footbed. I have yet to find a comparable shoe that is attractive, but if you know of any please share.

          1. Yeah, I’ve heard this. Birks are terribly uncomfortable for me — like a torture device — so I wouldn’t have any reason to look for something similar.

             1. You don’t have to wear birks if you don’t want to, but if you do, you have to break them in. They’re not going to feel good until day 5+. Birk recommends a 2-4-6-8 breaking in schedule, referring to the number of hours per day you should wear a new pair.

    5. Gizeh

    6. I have the Mayari and the Arizona and honestly, I find the standard Arizona to be the best looking out of them all at the end of the day.

    7. I have the Granada and I think they’re pretty cute. Same idea as the Arizonas, but the cutouts make them look a little more delicate.

15. Maybe this relates to the whole “love your job” above –

    I used to work for a nonprofit whose cause I was very devoted to. It was stressful, but I knew I was making an impact and I was committed to my work. Now I’m working a perfectly good, interesting, well paid private sector job. And I’m so unmotivated with work. I’ve realized that I need some sense of ownership and latitude – “just do what the client wants and no more” is the most demotivating statement to me, even though I do understand the merits of it. In alot of ways it would be good for me to have a job that is just a job, that I don’t care about so much, but then I lost interest and find it hard to focus at work. How do I be okay with having a moderate amount of interest in work?

    1. I don’t know that you have to. I know myself and I know that kind of job doesn’t work for me. If I don’t feel challenged and motivated at work, I get depressed. I spend more time at work than I do anywhere else. I know that I am not the type of person who can work a boring job just for a paycheck. Some people are and that’s awesome, some people aren’t. I’m relatively young, but I’d imagine this also fluctuates during one’s lifetime.

    2. I think you have to have SOMETHING you care about. For me it’s things other than my job, so I’m okay with having a moderate amount of interest in work. Can you volunteer for a cause you are devoted to and let work be just work?

    3. I have cycled through similar situations for the last 15+ years of my career, currently in consulting where it’s almost exactly what you describe – $$ is good but you do what the client says and it’s very demotivating. Some years ago I came to the realization that in government or non-profit work, you have the power to create change but don’t get paid well for it. When you’re in the private sector (consulting for example), you are compensated well but have little power. I’m at a point in my career where I can take the pay cut, regain the power and do the work that feeds my soul. I am currently interviewing and looking at other opportunities that will take me back to my non-profit/government tribe.

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