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For busy working women, the suit is often the easiest outfit to throw on in the morning. In general, this feature is not about interview suits for women, which should be as classic and basic as you get — instead, this feature is about the slightly different suit that is fashionable, yet professional.
For my professional Zoom presence, I really leaned into tweed jackets over the winter. Although the general advice is to wear solids on camera, I felt the colors in my tweed jackets blended together beautifully and added interest to my on-camera look.
Now that it’s definitely spring, I’d love to sample some of the lighter spring tweeds out there. Albert Nipon’s Metallic Tweed Suit piqued my interest. It’s a modern, fun take on the traditional tweed suit — the notched collar and two-button front lean traditional while the shimmery, yet subtle, ivory fabric keeps things fresh.
Although the jacket and matching skirt look great together, I would also wear the jacket with a pair of jeans for a sophisticated casual Friday look.
The suit is available at Neiman Marcus for $275 and comes in sizes 4–18.
This light gray metallic tweed suit from Le Suit is a more affordable option; it's available in sizes 4–18 at Amazon for $38.44–$215.99, depending on size.
This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!
Sales of note for 9.10.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Save up to 40% on new markdowns
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
Sales of note for 9.10.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Save up to 40% on new markdowns
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
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Anon
Sometimes I see a pick and think “This is how teenage me thought grownup me would dress.” This is one of those times.
Actual grownup me would not be able to wear this color without ruining it the first day.
Anonymous
+1. Teenage me thought that “office to nighttime” looks would be a thing for me.
Senior Attorney
I actually did dress like this for years (I for reals had a shimmery off-white tweedy suit way back when I was an actual teenager, to wear to my part-time office job in college, and you better believe I felt Very Grown Up even though I kind of cringe thinking about it now), but I feel like I am just done.
Senior Attorney
And also? Swear to God I wore this exact suit to my first law job in 1988: https://www.neimanmarcus.com/p/lesyanebo-oversized-linen-jacket-prod228430136
Senior Attorney
Haha with a skirt, though, not shorts. Oops.
Anon
I just ordered supplies for Gardening Night with my colleagues. I mean actual seeds and stuff, for a team aftivity my employer is offering, involving acrual planting. Then I texted my husband “just ordered some things for gardening night” and it struck me.
Yes, he does know what gardening means in corporette speak.
I foresee a fun conversation tonight and also? You all have forever changed what I first think about when I see my favourite hobby’s name.
Anon
Sorry that was a nesting fail!
Senior Attorney
Love it!
Anon
I used to wear suits like this. Do you wear anything underneath? I didn’t used to. Then you had to remove your jacket for TSA (remember flying?!?) and I had to regroup my work clothes a bit.
Anon
I also used to wear suits like this with nothing underneath, but I’m glad I discovered camisoles and shells
Anon
Me too! All the time. All prior to TSA screening, thank goodness.
Of Counsel
I was once asked to “speak with” a female colleague after a client complained that she was inappropriately dressed. She had taken off her jacket for a court security screening and she was wearing a lacy camisole underneath that was quite decidedly not meant for outerwear.
The moral of this story is that you should wear something that can be seen under your jackets – even if it is just a shell or opaque tank top. And that if you are caught without that, you should definitely just tell the person running the screening that you are not wearing anything underneath.
Anon
It’s weird that this isn’t sold as separates. (Or is it am I just missing it?) I’m a way different size in a blazer than I am in a skirt.
AIMS
I feel like a lot of mall suit brands do this – Anne Klein, some Tahari brands, etc.
it does seem like a lost opportunity to appeal to more customers.
Anon
I can understand that for a $100 suit, just not a $300 suit.
In House Woes
If you love your in-house counsel job, can you share why or what kinds of work you do? I’ve hated my last two in-house counsel jobs (and about 15 years out of law school) and currently trying to figure out how I can do better at picking the next job so I don’t keep falling into similar ruts before I just decide to quit the profession altogether.
Anonymous
re in house counsel woes. VP of legal at a tech company. On good days, I like solving problems, learning about new products and reviewing how laws may impact their development and launch, communicating complex information in a way that non-lawyers can understand. I like working on complex and high value commercial transactions and working out a deal that is fair to both sides. I also really like the goofy tech company culture, but that’s missing right now. On bad days, I don’t like the ever growing mountains of work, telling sales people again and again that we won’t negotiate terms on 10K deals, doing the interesting work in my off hours so I can tend to the fires during the standard work days, having an hour to put together an answer on a complex issue.
I’ve worked my way up from commercial counsel to VP over 13 years. In my current role, it is about 50/50 good and bad days. I’ve had only one job where it was 75/25 good to bad days and I’m a little sorry I left it for more money and more power, especially on the bad days. The pandemic makes it all worse, because why not have a call that starts at 8 am or 5 pm? the work life balance that is supposed to exist in house doesn’t for me right now. this probably doesn’t make you feel better.
buffybot
It’s funny because I do a fair bit of grumbling about my job and the day-to-day tasks but I do actually really enjoy it. I work for a large financial institution, advising on a combination of transactional work and regulatory issues. This is what I like about it, and I find is not always true about in-house jobs: (1) the complexity of the work and the ever changing regulatory framework means that I’m not doing the same thing every day, (2) somewhat conversely, it’s a mature industry in an institution that is compliance-minded, so I’m not dealing with crazy cowboys who don’t believe in the value of legal advice, nor am I being asked to take over things that are crazily outside my remit, (3) my boss is fantastic and I enjoy the people I work with. I think (3) is the most important. In contrast to firm life, I’m not micromanaged, my judgment is trusted, I work with other working parents, etc. I also enjoy explaining legal concepts to non-legal people, and being “the lawyer” — it’s almost like teaching.
Anon
What do you hate about it? I’ve been in house for 15+ years and have generally liked it. In my case, the company respects the legal function and there has been an abundance of interesting (and international) work. I am a generalist. I bring in SMEs when necessary but try to handle a lot of things myself. My main talent is commercial contracts and pre-litigation disputes. Right now I am a GC, but have enjoyed it along the way.
In House Woes
OP – I really enjoyed my first in-house job, which sounds similar to yours – lots of general work, interesting international work, wide variety of issues. But then I got a bad manager and hit a glass ceiling and decided to move on to greener pastures. Since then I’ve either worked for companies with crazy cowboys (per the above poster) who don’t value legal advice or I’ve gotten bogged down in endless boring commercial work (i.e., same form agreement, no novel legal issues, no international work, etc.). I’m trying to figure out how to find a good fit where (1) the work is varied and interesting, (2) the crazy cowboys are limited or at least held in check by competent management, and (3) there’s a good culture and good people. Some days it just kind of feels like trying to find a unicorn of a role…
Anon
The first time my puppy barked, it was maybe weeks after we adopted him and SO LOUD. He is 10 months now. He is pretty quiet except for “intruders” –> he doesn’t get lot lines, so it is either neighbor letting their dogs out in the back yard, yard workers, and phantoms in the wind but only at night (and then only at twilight, not all night long). Our neighbors are dog people and dont’ complain, but sometimes I am on a work call with WFH and different time zones and I can’t put him on mute.
Is is just a dog thing that they bark? Can you train them to stop barking (like: I acknowledge you told me about intruders / wind phantoms, you may stand down now)?
We had a trainer for things like walking nicely on a leash, manners around humans eating food near him, coming on command. More trainer (but would need to observe this and I’m not sure he works nights)?
Dog is some large-breed mutt that is fluffy. Maybe some golden retriever in him? Haven’t done a DNA test but am curious.
Anonymous
Ummm dogs bark. Have you met dogs? Problem barking can be trained but barking generally is a feature of dogs
Vicky Austin
I think a dog is always going to bark sometimes. That said, remembering what I learned from reading the monks of New Skete was that if your dog is barking and kicking up a fuss, you kicking up your own fuss will always validate him in fussing. Like, “See??!? Mom is yelling, therefore I was correct to yell!”
I think if you consistently quietly shush him (in my family, we like a gentle but firm “hush”) and then turn back to your work, he’ll get the message. I think dogs follow our lead in evaluating potential threats a lot of the time (like, oh, you’re ignoring the big bright red truck that just went by? ok, guess that’s not interesting).
Equestrian Attorney
I have a Beagle, so although he is not a big barker, once he starts, he really howls. I’ve laughed it off on a few intense phone calls, but generally, my dog understands « shhh ». Whether he actually listens is… another matter. It happens to a lot of my coworkers, I think it’s pretty common and just a fact of WFH.
Anon
My puppy had a stage where she was barking seemingly for the sake of barking. I think around 9 months. I was going insane. A friend recommended the Modus Bark Control Device which I got online. It emits a high pitched noise that only dogs can hear.
The first time I used it was after saying “no” to my dog several times to stop barking. Then with the next “no,” I pointed the remote at her and pressed the button for a second or two. Stopped all barking for quite a while. If she ever starts barking randomly now, I just pull out the remote, and she stops barking when she sees it. I have not had to hit the button to emit the noise since.
I haven’t tried it for when she’s barking at noises outside- that seems more dog-like behavior that I’m ok with. But this device really helped prevent her from sitting there, looking at me, and barking. And she has a very high pitched bark.
Good luck!
Anonymous
The keys are 1) ignoring him when he barks, so as not to reward him with the reaction he seeks, 2) training the “quiet” command, and 3) wearing him out with lots of exercise early in the day. If my Golden doesn’t get at least 3 miles in before work, she spends the whole afternoon barking for attention and to go in and out the back door every five minutes. If she gets her long walk, she loafs around all day without barking.
Anon
Interesting — my dog needs more exercise in the evening (so, with a 5K daily: evening barking; if 3K + late afternoon hiking on trail: nappy quiet dog). YDMV.
Anon
This doesn’t always work but if I get up and check what the dog is barking at and then say in a cheery voice “it’s okay, go lay down” the barking will die down. If I don’t check, he keeps sounding the alarm. When it is something where I can’t take the stimulis away, say kids waiting at the bus stop in front of my house) I take out treats and give him the sit command and as long as he is focused on me and sitting quietly, he gets a treat every so many minutes until he has forgotten about what is going on outside. The treat trick you could do on a call because you can do it with hand commands. The key is to only treat when the dog has done something positive like sitting or stopping the barking so he doesn’t equate bark with treat. My parents created a monster with their dog. The dog would bark when they were watching shows so they would give it a rawhide to chew to make it quiet. It worked, but then the dog would bark daily, non stop, until it got the rawhide.
Anon
OP here — with people at the door, he will take my reaction as a signal to stop barking (we let the “intruder” in — turns out it is a friend; has been good with getting solicitors to be back to the sidewalk already by the time I get to the door).
Not so with the wind phantoms. I will keep working with him. He has learned a lot (poop on the strip of grass b/w the sidewalk and the street, not in people’s yards; I don’t like the cutting in front of me, but I do appreciate that he has this hard-wired now, mostly, and I recognize what he’s signalling by “pulling over”). I just don’t quite know what are the boundaries of “dogs being dogs” and “this is an area that is trainable.”
AIMS
My dog doesn’t bark. Unless he thinks it’s an intruder which is rare and usually involves someone directly outside our door when he doesn’t expect it. When we moved, he barked every time someone passed our door while he got used to his new environment and patterns and we just discouraged it (nothing major, just something like ‘settle down, it’s fine’) and he stopped. I think part of it is a breed thing, but I do think owners set the tone. We have another dog from his same litter in our family and he barks like crazy but his owners think it’s wonderful that he is protecting their house. You can certainly work on this.
anonymous
Some of this depends on the breed and some depends on the individual dog and some depends on training/environment. I have a 1 year old dog a breed that is known to be vocal. She’s not a barker. She had a brief phase of demand barking and after learning that that only got her put in the bathroom alone for a few minutes, she quit entirely. She will occasionally bark at “intruders” (wind, an umbrella, bird scooters, a styrofoam cup that wasn’t on the side walk the last time we walked by) and occasionally other dogs/people. I usually tell her “thanks for letting me know,” and “quiet,” and she’s good. She barks to alert me, which is appropriate for her breed. So acknowledging her seems to make it stop. Now. My husband has another dog he brought to our relationship. Same breed. Totally different story. This dog barks all the d*amned time. She sometimes does it to alert us of intruders, but it’s usually just reactivity. One of us comes in or leaves– barking. One of us moves– barking and running over. One of us flushes the toilet– barking. One of us talks–barking. Heaven forbid we talk to each other in excited voices. The other dog comes near him — barking. It is getting worse and worse. He is highly reactive, anxious, and resource-guards husband. Nothing that husband has tried so far has worked (dumb stuff like squirt bottles, yelling/pleading with him to be quiet–basically negative attention). I’m pushing for actual training with a professional because I’m convinced the root cause is his high arousal and reactivity. Squirting him is only going to make him more reactive. The 1 year old is just smarter, calmer, does not resource guard, has an over all more even temperament and isn’t inappropriately reactive. So I’m not surprised that she’s quiet.
All this is to say– dogs do bark; some more than others, but there are things you can do to manage it. Get to the root cause of the issue and do everything you can to ease the excitement and arousal of a situation rather than increase it. You may also just have a very vocal breed in your pup’s lineage.
Anonymous
Late, but maybe you’ll see this. We have a dog that has been barking more and more as she gets older (she is 12 now). The best advice that we got from a trainer is positive reinforcement …. rather than yelling at her to stop barking or using other kinds of “punishment” (collars, buzzers etc), the recommendation is to praise her like crazy for being quiet.
Like, if she starts barking, give praise at the first moment of silence (like if she takes a breath between barks) and stop praising as soon as the next bark comes.
It sounds a bit crazy, but she’s eager to please so this seems to be working. She still barks at a lot of things, but at least we can get her to quiet down within a few barks rather than going on and on and on.
Anon
I have a training collar with remote control that I can beep or vibrate if my dog starts barking. My dog would get really wound up and bark constantly outside, and he’s much calmer now. I don’t even need the vibrate feature, just beeping it makes him stop.
Anon
I am new to having a dog and he’s not much of a barker so far (he barks at the door to be let in or out and that’s about it) but I just want to say, when I hear dogs barking on zooms/conference calls it makes me smile. It’s a reminder that I’m not the only one working from home.
Anon
Oh man, I remember wearing Albert Nipon suits in the 90s and 00s, mostly purchased at Lord & Taylor at a good discount. Didn’t know the brand was still around!
Anon
has anyone ever gone to look at a house and brought a contractor with them to ask whether certain types of projects were structurally possible? is this something we’d pay the contractor like an hourly rate to do?
Senior Attorney
Yes, I’ve done this. I’ve only ever done it with the understanding that the contractor in question would do the subsequent work so I didn’t pay hourly, I don’t think. But talk to your contractor and see what he/she is comfortable with.
NYCer
+1. This is very normal! We also did not pay, as there was an understanding that the contractor would be handling the renovation.
anon
I have done this. We didn’t pay the contractor, but (a) he was a family friend who had done (paid) work for us before, and (b) we would have let him at least give us a quote for the work.
We bought the house and started the renovation 2 years later. We ended up using a different contractor because the first one retired. The second contractor agreed with the first that the wall in question was not structural and could be removed. Upon tearing down the drywall, he found an internal post holding up the ceiling. The work had to be modified. All this to say–even if two legit contractors say something can be done, there are sometimes (often? usually?) surprises in home renovation projects. We’re still very happy with our renovation.
Anonymous
If you are friends with any architects or civil or structural engineers, they are also good at this kind of guessing game, although they probably err on the side of caution and might not be able to estimate cost as well as a contractor. A lot of things are POSSIBLE, but whether you want to pay for them is another thing entirely.
Anonymous
Yes,
you can hire a profesional for doing a report about that. You can ask for structural only or also utilities too, based in what you want they would give you a price for the work/report or if you only want they go with you in a quick visit an hourly rate. I am building engineer by degree and I used to do all the time. In UK it would be a building surveyor. No sure of the specific profesional in USA but for sure I would rather ask to an engineer.
Ness
Yes,
You could hire a profesional for an hourly rate to go with you or for a full report including utilities on top os structure if you want. Not sure if there is an specific profesioanl for this in USA, in UK are building surveyors that do “surveys” practically in all the properties in the market.
I am building engineer by degree and I would advise you to ask an engineer (civil or structural as someones has said) not a contractor (some of them have a lot of knowledge but others not at all).
Anon
Reposting since my comment seems to be stuck in moderation for the morning thread: I am a midlevel Biglaw associate and am currently 7 months pregnant. My husband and I are looking to move closer to my family, so I have been working with a recruiter since December. I just finished up second round interviews with a Biglaw firm and am optimistic about an offer. I have not yet disclosed my pregnancy to the firm because I didn’t want it to impact my chances of receiving an offer. Has anyone made this type of transition at the same stage of pregnancy. If so, how did your offer negotiations go after you disclosed your pregnancy? I am hoping to take the standard 18 weeks of leave (and yes, I know it will not be FMLA protected).
Anon
Is there a reason you wouldn’t take leave with your old firm and go to new firm post-leave, with moving over your leave? I feel like we are so WFH now that even if you moved now no one at old firm would notice. But there is a bit of bridge burning at play here and I think it would be better to burn the bridge with the firm you are leaving and not the one you are joining.
FWIW, we had this recently where I work, but the person left to go in-house, so we are in fact overjoyed.
Anon
The bridge burning at my old firm is what I’m concerned about. That and I’m sure my firm’s policy says you can’t accept a new position while on leave. Why do you think I’ll burn bridges at the new firm if I try to negotiate leave with my offer?
Anonymous
Ok so def check your current firm’s policy! But if you’re thinking a new firm wants to give you paid leave before they’ve even really met you, I think you’re living in a fantasy land. If unpaid leave, maybe.
Anon
I suspect the reason is if they are hiring now, they need help now. They aren’t going to be excited about a 4 1/2 month leave two months after you start. They also have no obligation to give you that long of a leave. I’m not in Big Law so I’m not going to give you any advice, but I see the concern, even if ethically and legally the firm shouldn’t treat you any different for being pregnant.
Anonymous
+1 they likely need help NOW. My employer is incredibly parent friendly with amazing paternity leave, but we’d still be p*ssed if we thought we found someone and they were like ‘surprize I’m pregnant’ because that just scr*ws your new co-workers and hurts their work load/project planning, it’s a really bad first impression.
Anon
OP here—the firm is hiring several new associates as a part of expanding a new office, but they have pretty great staffing currently (one of the reasons I’m excited about the prospect of joining) and work cross-office pretty regularly, so I doubt I would be putting them in a bind. Also, for what it’s worth, summer tends to be pretty slow in our practice area. And because I’m a mid level with strong experience, I would be able to hit the ground running when I return from leave.
Anon
I feel like firms don’t hire and then hope there is work. They hire b/c there is work (or they are idiots and you will be let go quickly). We hire summers expecting attrition, but pricy experienced people are hired for a need. Having that need extend for seasons is going to be hard to keep on people when they are overextended.
Anon
I am sure you can negotiate it on your way in, but I’d be worried about the perception that you didn’t, at least among co-workers not in HR (especially the ones who are perhaps overworked now b/c they need to hire someone to do needed work). Perhaps more so b/c of the pandemic, b/c no one looks great-with-child on zoom and they may think you hid it.
I mean, you could stop your leave at your old firm upon accepting an offer and just take it unpaid and say circumstances have changed. They might not hold you to it as lots of things change over leave (I extended my leave for my first baby; that was not planned but just developed).
anne-on
I mean, what’s to stop you from accepting a new position while on leave? Will they claw back your paid leave time? That is generally viewed as ‘earned’ time off. I’d rather burn a bridge with my old firm than spring this on a new firm. And maybe I’m overly cautious but I disclosed my ~5mo pregnancy about 10 yrs ago (had hyperemesis, was not showing much at all, especially in a more boxy chanel style suit) and the position which previously was at the offer stage disappeared. The HR person there working with me kinda shrugged and went, well, it was your choice to disclose, so…
As my husband pointed out, I wouldn’t have been there long enough to qualify for FMLA leave and I got nearly ~6mo off paid at my firm so it worked out but I was still annoyed.
Anon
OP here— My current firm doesn’t have any clawback policies in place for quitting after returning from leave, so that wouldn’t be an issue. It does state that you can’t accept and performs duties for a new employer while on leave, which is what is giving me pause with accepting a new offer with a pending leave. The leave benefits are identical at both firms, so I could just take leave and quit immediately after and just negotiate a late start date with the new firm:
anne-on
I mean, that’s what I would do. Take your full paid leave with old firm (or as long as the new firm is willing to wait for you) and then quit while on leave and take the new job. But I’d also be prepared to accept that if new job is interviewing now, they want you now, not ~6 mos from now.
No Face
Definitely take leave at your current firm and then switch jobs.
Anonymous
I think it is beyond insane to think a firm is going to hire you, have you work a month max, then let you be out for 18 weeks. Certainly I would anticipate that time not being paid.
Anonymous
This. I would anticipate that the month would be focused on supporting other lawyers work and onboard to learn the various firm systems/key clients. And then unpaid leave. Would expect leave to be unpaid and not necessarily longer than 12 weeks.
Anon
My usual advice is not to disclose until you receive an offer; however, in these circumstances, you should mention it.
If you were, say, two months pregnant, it’s reasonable to work for 7 months, take unpaid leave for 12 weeks, and then return. If you are TTC, it’s reasonable to have it written into your offer that you would get protected leave if you have a kid before the one-year mark. But… you want to work for a month, then take how much time off – 3 months? 6 months? – and return. That’s pointless from their end, even if the leave is unpaid. They are better off just having you onboard after your pregnancy.
Anonymous
Are you a SME, a high-level practitioner in a niche area, or bringing clients? If so, the new firm might be willing to negotiate a generous leave for you (and while many large firms offer 18 weeks, that is generous, not standard,in this country). If not, the firm is likely going to be very unhappy with the request for an 18-week leave beginning four weeks after you start. While we all like to think that firms are hiring us because they want our talent to improve their bench, the reality is that in most instances firms hire laterals because there is work to be done that is not getting done or won’t get done when a departing employee leaves.
Trixie
While you have every right to job hunt and interview and accept an offer and then disclose your pregnancy, it will not go over happily with your new employer, and you may never recover. I was a colleague of a new hire who did this, and people were very angry, as we needed her skills and work, and she went on leave 4 weeks after she started. Her decisions were considered poor sportsmanship and lacking in team player skills. Disclose the pregnancy, and see what can be worked out, or job hunt later when you have your new baby.
Anonymous
I have job hunted while pregnant, started a new job while pregnant, hired women pregnant, and been laid off while pregnant. Not in that order ;).
I would say that something here has to give. Is it possible to take this job and go on mat leave without leaving all your new colleagues hanging? Yes. But you may not have the luxury of 18 weeks of leave (paid or unpaid). As a hiring manager, I would expect the news about your quickly upcoming pregnancy to be followed by something like “of course, I will need to take a maternity leave, but given how close it will be to my start date I can be fairly flexible about that could look like.” From there, you could discuss something like the more standard 12 week maternity leave, or potentially 10 weeks of full leave and then another 4-6 of part time.
Alternatively, the new job has to give. Go on leave at your old firm, job hunt, and when you get an offer, resign. Set your new start date for however long you want your maternity leave to be, and expect you may have some weeks of unpaid time.
Unless you are in extremely high demand (which you might be!) 18 weeks of leave at a new job may result in you being fired. That’s what FMLA protects against, and you wouldn’t qualify.
Advocating for yourself in a medical setting
I feel like I need advice. I have been struggling with undiagnosed pain of a seeming orthopedic nature since last August. I have seen my GP, multiple surgeons, chiropractors, and physical therapists. The last physical therapist worked with me for 20 sessions/10 weeks and then told me they were afraid to keep working with me because I got worse progressively.
I feel like I am barely surviving, and that doctors do not seem interested in helping me anymore. My desk job is a major struggle and I must go straight to bed after work to alleviate pain. I can barely take care of myself as a single person and my apartment is a mess. I rely heavily on painkillers.
How do I get the medical attention I need? I am not yet 40. Every doctor I have seen tells me that I am in great shape (former college athlete here, weightlifter for 20 years until this happened) and that I just need to go home, rest, and be patient. After 8 months of pain-filled “patience” I am worried that I have a rare tumor or something and I’m just going to…be allowed to run my course?
If not for the pandemic I would go to an ER but staff will see a relatively young, fit, healthy person and ignore me there too.
anon
Have you seen a neurologist yet? A pain management specialist?
Anonymous
Talk to your PCP, call TODAY, and tell them what you told us with a focus on impact. “I am unable to do any of my activities after work and am reliant on pain medication just to barely make it through the day. I can no longer keep my house clean and it’s a struggle to do __ and ___. My average pain level is ___ and I have seen no improvement after 20 sessions of physical therapy. Resting doesn’t help. My situation is urgent and I need your help getting to the bottom of this.”
I’m sorry you’re going through this.
NYNY
Definitely go back to your PCP or try out a new PCP. Ask the physical therapist to share documentation with your PCP, since that’s relevant information. And make sure you spell out your pain in terms of quality (is it stabbing or dull? constant or intermittent?), duration (getting progressively worse for X weeks/months), and severity (the 10-point pain scale, with 10 being unbearable). As an athlete, you likely have a pretty high tolerance for pain and know your body well, so make sure you aren’t downplaying the pain in any way. If your PCP doesn’t listen, then seek a new one.
Also, the ED won’t help you. You may get an x-ray or some labs after a really long wait, but you’ll be referred back to primary care or an orthopedic surgeon.
Please share updates with us. I hope you can find the root cause and something to help it.
Anonymous
Have you been screened for reflex sympathetic dystrophy?
Anon
Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome? It would be a weird symptom; only thing that makes me think it’s EDS is that she got worse with PT.
My 2c
You need a new GP to start with. Somebody curios, who’s willing to start over, starting with your earliest symptoms in August, and being more broadminded about finding out what’s happening. At this point, it could be difficult to know what are the actual symptoms, and what is your body on pain. Pain will beget pain, which might be why they have been telling you to rest.
There’s no way an internet fashion forum can tell you what’s wrong – you could have rheumatism, Bechterews or just really persistent tendonitis – or any number of other things. But whatever it is, you deserve to be taken seriously, and you deserve to have a GP that tries harder, and it is not working for you to be “patient”.
Anonymous
PS – I don’t think you would get the best treatment in an ER, even disregarding the pandemic. Don’t let yourselft stress and think “If only I could go to the ER”. An ER will always have to do the more time sensitive patients first, and because your issue has been going on so long and will seem chronic (to them) at this time, there’s a good chance that they would just have to refer you back to your GP.
Anonymous
How are things mentally/emotionally? Are you dealing with stress that is contributing to physical pain? I found help with the book from John Sarno.
Maybe consider non traditional medicine, like acupuncture?
Really sorry you are dealing with this. Hope you are able to find some answers
Anon
I’ve learned the hard way that many doctors don’t seem to see rare disease as their purview. Has there been any discussion of seeing a geneticist? There are genetic conditions that hit people midway through life with pain, but geneticists also know how to DDx the really outlier conditions.
Anonymous
Honestly, if it’s that bad, go to the ER. I did that twice during the last year for a similar situation (unmanaged, unrelenting pain of unknown iteration). In our medical system, especially as someone on the younger end, it’s the only way to get testing done in an expedited fashion (CT, MRI, etc.). Then you can be referred to the type of doctor you need. This week is AYA (adolescent and young adult) cancer week. The common thread through almost every story you hear is that a doctor (or more than one) put them off and told them they were too young for cancer. I am NOT saying you have cancer, but I am saying that doctors do see the healthy-looking person and ignore a lot. Keep fighting!
No Face
The best care I’ve received for an ongoing condition was my initial ER visit. I think they are so used to certain patient types (car accident victims, people over 60 having heart attacks, etc) that they realize an ostensibly healthy person with no history of a problem needs to be taken seriously.
anono
This sounds just like my mother who was eventually diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis in her early 40s. I don’t have any specific advice for you that others haven’t given other than keep advocating for yourself. Well, and keep a symptom tracker/journal and list specific things you are unable to do, specific triggers, and be as detailed as possible when describing your pain as it’s happening.
Anon
Yeah, OP you need all kinds of bloodwork. There are very specific markers for most major autoimmune diseases. I was diagnosed with RA mid 2020 and my rheumatoid factor and antinuclear antibody results were off the chart. I’d been having weird issues for at least a year, maybe two or three, and no one thought to just test my blood. Instead I was having my feet worked on, my hands worked on, and my GP basically acting like I was making it up.
anon
Question for lawyers who have been out of law school for a while (I’m 10 years out myself) — do you still have education as the top section of your resume? I’ve never changed up my formatting, so mine goes: 1. education, 2. experience, 3. pro bono work, 4. publications, 5. bar admissions. But I’m questioning whether perhaps I should flip education and experience at this point. Thoughts on this or other changes for the more “mature” resume? I’m also trying to make a switch from litigation to transactional work, so would welcome any thoughts on how to attack that in my resume as well.
Anonymous
I do! My education is fancier than the firms I’ve worked at. It’s a pretty short section though.
Anon
I had mine in that order but when I worked with a recruiter last year to get my current position, they flipped it so experience is first, then education, bar admissions, and then community involvement (boards, non-profit work). I’ve currently 8 years out.
Anon
No, but my education just takes up two rows now, as opposed to many lines per degree. I don’t list pro bono except awards. Publications are after experience. Prior jobs are now just a few lines each now, instead of OMG lines. 25 years out.
Allie
You should absolutely flip education and experience that many years out of law school.
Cornellian
No real advice on the switch from litigation but I would 100% switch experience and education. (NYC Biglaw, now inhouse at a pension, FWIW).
Cat
10+ years out here and I flipped it. I also don’t waste several lines on a section for bar admissions – I just put “admitted to practice in X” up at the top with my contact info.
Cat
Oh and to the ‘switch’ point — most of transactional work is drafting and negotiation, so focusing on those parts of your experience (settlement negotiations? Complicated arguments? What you learned about breach of contract cases that will help you draft to avoid the issue?) vs the courtroom part will help.
Cat
what on earth about this comment sent it to m-d?
Senior Attorney
Apparently anything with t r a n s goes to mod these days.
Curious
Yes. That’s what it is.
Anon
I’m only 5 years out but I have 1. experience 2. education 3. bar admissions. That is what my law school career services recommended for post-grads but who knows if its good advice. Yesterday a recruiter told me my resume should be multiple pages long….
Anon
I flipped it about 6 years out from grad school.
Anon
Not only should you flip it, you should consider designing it to look a lot more modern. I know law is old fashioned, I’m a lawyer but when I hire in-house, an old school resume screams out of touch to me. I want lawyers who get what’s happening in the business world. An old school resume won’t stop me from interviewing someone, but I will have more questions about that person’s relevance going into the interview process, and someone more in touch is starting from a better place.
anon
I am a lawyer who works in HR. Lead with whichever is most impressive. You went to Harvard but have normal/ho hum experience? Education goes first. You have great experience but went to mediocre schools? Experience goes first.
Anon
How do you get over hurt feelings while online dating? In the past 2 weeks, I have twice been unmatched after what I considered to be a good date where each guy explicitly indicated that he would like another date. I mean, why say that if you’re just going to go home and unmatch me?! Are guys still pulling the Chandler Bing “This was great, we should do this again some time!” move in 2021?! I’m self conscious about the 20 lbs I put on last year so I sit and think about what turned them off, was it my body? Or even worse, am I boring? Do I have a stale personality? Am I better looking in pictures than I am in person? I was in a relationship for 4 years (which ended in early 2020) and I gosh, I miss the comfort of a long term partner. I have a third guy who wants to video chat tonight, but I don’t think I can handle 3 rejections in such a short time. I might ask him to reschedule.
Senior Attorney
Years ago when I was dipping my toes into the dating world after my divorce, my therapist said something very wise: “Most men are unsuitable.”
If they go home and unmatch you after leading you on, then they are quite obviously unsuitable. Like most men out there. It’s not you, it’s them.
Most men are unsuitable.
Anon
What does this actually mean, though?
Senior Attorney
I took it to mean the baseline should be “not working out” — i.e. hope for the best but expect any given date to not be a match, and don’t take it personally.
Anon
You’re not going to match with 50% of the dating pool. You’re not even going to match with 10% of them, most likely. That’s why most of them are unsuitable. It’s not quite a needle in a haystack, but it is really a small sliver of the population that contains the kind of person who will be a good fit for you (or any of us) and dating is just trying to find someone from that sliver. For that reason, most dates you go on will lead nowhere. And that’s as it should be.
Anon
That’s not what this is about though. I’m fine with first dates leading nowhere and don’t have the expectation that it will lead anywhere. But I’m not fine with someone going along the whole date like it’s going great, explicitly telling me they want to see me again, and then unmatching me when they get home.
Anon
I wouldn’t be fine with that either and I think it’s really rude. But it’s also really telling, and you wouldn’t want to be with someone who would do such a thing, and good thing they’re really letting you know who they are now before you waste any more time on them.
Senior Attorney
It is super rude but you can’t control it, alas.
No Face
I believe that most people are not made to be in romantic relationships with each other. You can have two awesome people, and that still doesn’t mean that they are right for each other.
Back when I was dating, I went on a date with the assumption that it wasn’t going to work out. Took the pressure off. If the food was good, the date was a success. Eventually, I actually connected with one of those guys and now I’m married.
Anon
It’s not you, I promise. The more you date, the less this will affect you. It will still annoy you and it won’t be fun, but it will matter less.
When this happens to me, it stings, but ultimately I take it as welcome information about the guy’s character. I think it’s super shady to explicitly say you’d want to go out again and then unmatch. Feels harsh. FWIW, when guys talk about getting together again and I’m not into it, I’m really vague in person, “sure, that could be fun!” and if they actually reach out and text to ask, I will say I enjoyed meeting them but didn’t feel like it was a match. I think a lot of people are uncomfortable with saying they’re not feeling it in person (which I totally get), but pulling a Chandler Bing is not the way!
Tl;dr: yes, guys still do this. But it says way more about him than about you.
Dear+Summer
I don’t care what anyone says but ghosting is rude. Lying is rude. Those mean are rude and it’s fortunate that your time with them was brief. It’s reasonable to have hurt feelings after being treated poorly. I think the best way to get over it is to just keep going on dates and holding out hope for a non-rude person.
Dear+Summer
*men. Freudian slip?
Anonymous
If your pictures don’t reflect your weight gain, then that could be an issue. Pictures should be as accurate as possible.
Another anonymous judge
I am old and so not an expert on online dating. But if a 20 pound weight difference between in-person you and in-photo you is enough to “turn off” some guy then you are WELL rid of same guy. If this is the reason thank GOD you didn’t waste another second of your precious life on a date with them. Hang in there. The number of acceptable candidates for somebody as fabulous as you is exceedingly small. You might need to vet a considerable number before you find an appropriate one.
I love men, but I hate men like these guys. Don’t doubt your amazingness!
anon
I was more or less single for 6 solid years before I met my SO on an app (who didn’t write me back for days at one point because he “forgot” until I reminded him, good lord, but he is an incredibly devoted and reliable partner). I feel your pain deeply and it absolutely blows. It just stinks. App dating has gotten to a point where people are like baseball cards and there’s so little personal accountability. Now that basically everyone uses them, you’re not fishing in a pond of people who actually want to date (like the old days of actual “online” dating. I’ve been doing this since 2012. Ugh.) It’s very rude to ghost or say they want to go out again and then not follow up. IMO, rather than be upfront and say, “hey, I thought about it and don’t actually want to go out again, best of luck,” they’re more likely to just vanish and hope you don’t follow up to avoid the awkwardness. Honestly, I’ve been on enough dates that I get it.
What helped me was reminding myself that there are a billion things going on in this person’s world that have nothing to do with you. He could be slammed at work and not willing to put the time/emotional energy into exploring a new connection. He could be dipping his toes back in to dating, thinking he’s ready, but then he gets home from the date and is flooded with thoughts of his ex and he just isn’t into dating. Boom, no second date, and saves you heartache. Or, he knows himself and his entire history and knows that something about you two is ultimately not compatible, but he didn’t clue you in. Or you don’t give him that spark, which for all we know could be because you don’t remind him of his ex and the “spark” was constant drama. Or, he’s been on three dates with someone else he really likes and wants to play that out. I remember going out with guys when I thought I was ready to date but I wasn’t and then just getting home and feeling like trash because they weren’t my ex. Nothing wrong with them, they just weren’t him and, unsurprisingly, I didn’t feel as connected to a stranger as I did to the memory of my ex.
Even if it is “about you,” like a personality mismatch, or lack of attraction, it’s not a verdict that you are “not enough.” That’s the painful thought process that you have to fight against. It’s hard to do and I went to therapy for it but getting rid of the “I’m not enough” sound track has been life changing (still a work in progress). I’d recommend reading some Brene Brown, too.
You should ask to reschedule if you think you’re not up for it and won’t put out the vibe that you want. Nothing wrong with that at all. Good luck!
Anonymous
Not the OP, but I love your reply!
Senior Attorney
Yes, this is so wise!
Anonymous
Often times after a date has ended and I reflect on the interaction, or go back to their profile, I see something that makes me realize I don’t want to interact with them further. No matter how pleasant the interaction was. I think it’s a habit for a lot of people, men or women, to give that line of seeing someone again at the end of a date, partially because you never know how someone, man or woman, is going to react at that moment and most people don’t want to deal with unpleasant endings. I hope you go on your chat tonight, or tomorrow night and have fun!!
Anon
I bought a townhouse and I need to buy some big girl furniture. I’ve been browsing a lot online and everything is very mid-century modern – which, while I appreciate that style, it’s just not for me. I would say my style is more transitional with a touch of coastal. I like neutrals and blues. I like a lot of things at the store that’s a barn that sells pottery, but I’ve heard maybe that’s not the best quality. Am I wrong about that? Anywhere else I should be looking?
Anonymous
If you want to go nuts at Pottery Barn, go for it!
Even though you have your big girl pants on, you are allowed to have for-now furniture. Just make sure it gets a new a fruitful life when you find forever pieces. If you like sofas at PB, hey, you might even like sofas at IKEA. That’s fine, too.
Transitional, coastal style seems to me to be a lot of more conservatively shaped light neutral fabric padded furniture, with some warm, medium dark wooden pieces. Get more expensive wooden pieces (it’s great if it’s second-hand Shaker, or mid-century, or whatever) for tables and shelves, and get the neutral shade-of-white stuff with a shorter life span.
Think about which woods you like best. Warm light? Mahogany? Ashy medium? Stained, oiled, tinted? Get actual (whole, not foil) wood pieces for the part of you interior that looks like wood.