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Updated: Aug 16, 2021 245 Comments · by

Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Chrysanthemum Silk Shell

The Personal Shopper (TPS) |

This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

This time of year, when the temperature and humidity are more than my delicate constitution can handle, I need light, breathable fabrics that don’t make me feel like I’m on the verge of melting. Silk is my preference for summer tops, especially if it doesn’t need to be dry cleaned.

This gorgeous top from Vince looks breezy and cool, but still put-together, plus, it can be hand-washed! The black-and-white colorway is a perfect neutral to take you from summer into fall, although it also comes in a really pretty “mosswood” color, which looks like it’s going be ubiquitous this coming season.

The top is $325 at Nordstrom and comes in sizes XXS–XL.

A more affordable option is $79 at Dillard's and available in sizes XS–L.

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Sales of note for 9.30.24

Sales of note for 9.30.24

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

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About Elizabeth

Elizabeth is a 30-something lawyer living on the East Coast. She spent seven years as a Biglaw associate in NYC, three years as a partner at a medium-sized firm, and is now in-house counsel for a large company. She loves Diet Coke, '90s sitcoms, and dresses with pockets.

Comments

  1. Anon

    Ugh, help please. I’ve been about 20 pounds overweight since my youngest was born. He turned 4 recently. Im so tired of being uncomfortable in my body. I have tried so many things to lose the weight, but nothing has stuck. It’s not like when I was younger and could work out and eat better, now that I’m almost 40 doing those things helps but not at the same rate. Im so sad and defeated. I wish I could be comfortable at any size, body positive, but I’m not there yet. Am I going to spend the rest of my life hating my body?

    • LaurenB

      This sounds hokey, but exercise — for the joy of feeling movement and it will make you feel better about your body. I like barre, but whatever you like is key. Find a class that is about what your body can do, not “earn a dessert” or “blast those calories.”

      • Julie

        When I turned 40, I worked w/ a nutritionist who helped me to lose 30 pounds. I had always worked out, but I needed to learn how to change how I ate. I kept it all off to pretty recently when the onset of menopuase has seen me put on a few more pounds. Ask your network for someone good to work with. The accountability to the nutritionist kept me honest as well as the fact that I didn’t want to waste the $ I was paying her.

        • Anon

          What changes did you make with the nutritionist? I feel like I eat healthy foods, but probably just too much of them… guessing that’s where I need the most help. Portion control.

          • Julie

            I had always eaten low-fat but I was eating a high-carb, high-sugar diet so I had to limit myself to one serving of carbs per meal and not eat more than 4 grams of sugar per meal. I also continued to watch fat but focused more on saturated fat. Lastly, I kept a food diary. Also re workouts, make sure you’re doing enough weight lifting to keep your muscle mass up as muscles at rest burn more than fat.

            Good luck.

    • Allie

      Would upgrading your wardrobe help? Buying things more expensive (or nicer brands on thredup, poshmark or depop) than you would normally buy? Wearing clothes I really like, that I wouldn’t have bought myself in my 20s or 30s really helps me.

      • anon

        This. Plus, better constructed clothing is easier to alter to fit a smaller size. I also got rid of all but a few of the smaller sized clothes because, assuming I got down to that size, those clothes would look slightly (or more than slightly) off trend and dated.

    • Anonymous

      No, you’re not doomed to spend the rest of your life hating your body.
      First, did something happen this week or recently that sent you off on a body-hating spiral? If so, don’t let that spiral start telling you what your entire future is going to be like.
      Second, make sure you’re not chasing a “younger self” ideal image of your body, which may or may not be part of your future.
      Third, take a good hard look at why “nothing has stuck.” What happened to derail the things that were working (even if they were slow)? Did you stop paying attention? Did a vacation, holiday — or pandemic — interrupt you? Did you get bored or angry or frustrated with the slower level of progress than you wanted? You can make changes again, and they will work again, but you’ll want to set yourself up with a way to push through inevitable resistance and hard slog.

      • Anonymous

        Not the OP, but working at home, especially on the kitchen island, was just bad. At the office, I’d have to make an effort for snacks (take pass, go down elevator, go outside to Walgreen’s, leave b/c the line was always too long, etc.). I basically can’t buy junk and have it around me and I even have given up drinking more than my weekly beer b/c of too many empty calories. I’m a seltzer-with-lime girl now, mostly, and lots of Diet Pepsis.

    • Anon

      If you’re uncomfortable in your own body, no amount of toxic positivity is going to brainwash you into liking being overweight. Stop beating yourself up for not being correctly woke about this (I see those tell-tale catch phrases in your language). You’re allowed to want to be slimmer. Don’t let SM dictate how you’re allowed to feel about your body.

      Now, have you tracked your eating and activity? Understanding what’s going in and what’s being burned off are where you start. Start a food journal or a tracking app, and figure out what you’re working with. Seeing the patterns will go a long way towards course-correcting.

      Remember, baby steps lead to sustainable changes. It took me almost a year to quit added sugars, because I did it so slowly.

        • Anonymous

          Toxic positivity is ignoring the feelings that people are having in favor of telling them to get over it, get through it, you’re better than that, youve got this, etc. We do an awfully good job as a society shutting down the actual feelings people are having, and then we do it to ourselves. There’s a time for positivity, but it’s not when someone is saying they are having an emotional response.

          • Agurk

            Thank you. This is a new concept to me but let’s just say it’s highly relevant.

      • LaurenB

        I agree with you that she shouldn’t brainwash herself into liking being overweight if she wants to make a change — my suggestion about exercise for the sake of movement is that no one hated themselves into thinness, they loved their way into thinness by treating their bodies as temples worthy of nutritious food and healthy movement. I find, personally, that when I exercise for the sake of burning calories, I don’t feel as good emotionally (because it’s “never enough”) versus when I exercise for the joy of movement — and the joy of movement then seems to naturally inform all my other choices, including nutrition. In other words, I then feel more self-motivated to choose the raspberries over the candy bar, and that creates a virtuous cycle. My comment wasn’t intended to be “toxic positive.”

    • No Face

      For me, body shape matters more than weight. After my first kid, I got in the best shape of my life doing Les Mills Body Pump 3-4 times a week. I dropped multiple dress sizes and fit old clothes, felt awesome, looked awesome, but did not lose a single pound.

      • anon

        Agree with No Face – feeling strong and fit has made me feel comfortable in my skin again, even though I haven’t lost any weight (and didn’t really go down a dress size, though things fit differently now). The big think is that my body just feels good again, like I have less inertia.

        • No Face

          You make a good point about things fitting differently too. My breasts are larger and lower than before I had kids. There are certain things that looked good before that won’t work now.

      • AnonATL

        +1. Started doing T25 recently and I can tell my clothes fit better but I haven’t lost a pound.
        I loved body pump at the ymca pre-kid, but now I figure I can do 25 minutes a day consistently. I’m much flakier with long workouts when I start thinking of all the other things I could do in that hour.

    • Anonymous

      I can appreciate my weight loss and exercise efforts much more when I see a difference in my problem spot that makes me actually uncomfortable vs just generally dissatisfied. Focus on something small that you can change and then celebrate that victory.

      For me it’s under my arms on my sides where my bra band hits. That little bit of chub probably accounts for like 1 lb but it makes bicep curls uncomfortable, my bras and tops are uncomfortable, and it makes my chest look and feel even larger than it is. It’s the first place I notice when I gain weight and it always makes me super happy when that spot goes back down. It’s helped me a lot to focus on that spot rather than hard/impossible to lose things like “I hate my tummy.” My tummy is always going to stick out, even when I was 20 and 115 lbs it stuck out, it’s not constructive to focus on something that I’ll never be 100% happy with.

      • MechanicalKeyboard

        This is a really good way to frame thins. I “gave up” on my stomach in that I’ll never have washboard abs and that’s ok! I can still have a stomach that’s flat enough that I don’t see rolls in my shirts and that’s good enough me.

    • Anonymous

      Basically same. I lost the weight via WW and use it to maintain. Only thing that works for me is to maintain the loss via tracking food/water/sleep via WW app. I put in set recipes/meals we commonly eat so I’m not having to constantly write every single item of food. Sleep messes with my hunger levels way more than it did when I was younger. I also need to work out about 3 times a week to have a good relationship with my body because it helps me function on what it can do vs how it looks. One lunchtime walk, one weekend morning exercise class and one evening yoga class (DH gives kids supper) is how I fit it in because I am not a morning person.

      It’s a PITA accepting that my body has changed with age and that I did not appreciate near enough how good I had it at 25-30 etc when I could indulge way more.

    • Anonymous

      Body neutrality, buying clothes that fit you now, and focusing on exercise that you enjoy and minimally processed foods.

    • Anon

      I feel like I could have written this a few months ago. Someone recommended healthy as f*ck here a few years back and I loved it and it actually helped me lose the last 15 pounds from my first without much effort. The book focuses on building healthy habits and was recently re-released in the US as ditch the diet. The author is really down to earth, practical and hilarious. I really needed a kick start after the baby weight with my second was refusing to budge and earlier this year I did her 28 day transformation program and it was really life changing. I’ve lost close to 20 pounds in 3.5 months but the real wins are I have so much more energy, I feel so confident in my own skin (this is a big theme – loving the body you have now! While still working towards fitness/weight goals), I sleep better, basically no longer need caffeine, am genuinely so much happier and the best part is I have freed up a ton of mental space around food and fitness. The program truly does kick start habits into automatic things you do. I’m in the post transformation/maintenance program now which is incredible in terms of the supportive community, access to workouts/recipes (complete with shopping lists – hooray for meal planning done for you) and people to answer any questions. I don’t really measure food (other than almond butter and nuts because my eyeballing of a tablespoon tends to be about double). There is no counting at all. Not points, not calories, not macros, not anything. I eat real food that’s delicious and makes me feel amazing. And my whole family is eating healthier too. Oh and I’m losing a lot of weight and feel good in my body again. I’m strong! I can now do 40 push-ups. On my toes! I couldn’t do 10 from my knees this spring. It’s amazing. Highly recommend. The book has the basic principles if you’re a DIYer but to me the program really was invaluable in making it fool proof.

    • Trixie

      Over the past five years I have lost 45 pounds. As I am in my 60’s, what made it happened was I finally accepted that it was going to be slow, slow, and slow. Like, 1-2 pounds a month. I added in intermittent fasting, stopped using exercise as a weight loss method–just work out for the sake of working out, and focused on cutting down on carbs and sugar. Also, I added in a lot more strength training, which helps with body shape, and adds more muscle, and muscle burns calories. Don’t beat your self up, and just keep going.

      • Anon

        This. I am sloooowly losing post baby weight and am telling myself that in two years, I want to be down 10-15 pounds, rather than having lost it fast before gaining it all back and then some.

    • AnonInfinity

      Thank you for asking this question! I don’t have kids but have gained weight over the past few years and struggle with the same issue. I’m not comfortable in my body, but I also feel like I “should” be more body positive. These responses are great, and I’m taking them to heart as well.

      • Anonymous

        Everyone ‘should’ feel comfortable in their body but that doesn’t mean accepting a weight gain and trying to force yourself to feel comfortable with the gain. Body positivity can also mean addressing the gain so that you feel comfortable again at whatever size/weight is right for you.

        I don’t feel great when I gain 10lbs – usually because it happens in response to me eating poorly and not exercising enough and when my insomnia spikes. Once I start addressing those issues, I feel better. Zero people notice the size difference except me and maybe DH.

    • Pep

      I’ve lost over 30 pounds since December 1st of last year. I’m 57 and am through menopause. I did this by daily food tracking on My Fitness Pal and stepping up my exercise (walking) just a little bit. It’s not a quick fix, and most weeks I only lost a half pound or so, but it’s been a steady downward progression.

      You can do this!

    • Anon

      Are you using a method to track your caloric intake against how many calories you burn daily? I only had good results when I was doing this AND exercising AND not drinking alcohol or consuming much bread/baked goods. It’s tough.

  2. Notinstafamous

    What’s trendy/fashionable for sneakers right now? Looking for a couple fun pairs I can wear with jeans & a blazer for business casual days or a dress at a restaurant in the evening. Prefer slimmer euro styles to the chunky basketball look but am completely out of the loop in terms of where to go. Budget up to $350 or so, significant bonus points if I can put insoles or orthodics into them.

    • anon.

      I have black Nike Cortez with a small rose gold swoosh that I think meets your qualifications and they are super inexpensive. I’m not sure how fashionable they are but I think they’re always in style.

    • Anonymous

      Following! We are now sneaker-OK-at-work-even-with-dresses. OTOH, I don’t want to have the only options be Golden Goose or Gucci b/c if I’m dropping $500 on footwear, I would want to spend that kind of $ on boots. But it won’t be boot weather for a while.

    • Anonymous

      I’ve been wearing sneakers from P448 or Veja with dresses this summer.

    • Anon

      I think Golden Goose sneakers are obscene.

      When you see people hanging off planes in Afghanistan, ask yourself if your $450 for dressed-up Converse clones is the best use of your money. Really.

      I’m not sorry to have this opinion.

      I like Naturalizer Morrison sneaks. They are obscenely comfy/Cushy.

      • Anonymous

        Can’t disagree. It makes me sad though that the vast majority of all the people escaping on the planes are men, even though at least some flights were for women and children. Everything about this is sad.

      • Anonymous

        I hear you — but they aren’t Converse clones. They look like something worn beyond being able to donate to Goodwill that has been rolled in glitter.

      • Anon

        Stay out of other people’s purchasing decisions.

        I don’t like Golden Goose either, but I don’t judge people who do. You do you, and I’ll do me.

        I like Puma baskets- they are sleek and cheap enough to get multiple colors. I always get compliments on some of my wilder ones.

      • Anon

        Can you recommend a good chiro or massage therapist? You clearly excel at taking reaching to insane lengths.

        • Cat

          I don’t care for them myself but I think the leap from “buying frivolous sneakers” (not all of them are designed to look beat up) to “you’re hurting Afghan women and children” is… a big one.

        • Anon

          I personally don’t feel called out, but I do think derailing a completely anodyne conversation sounds like a mental health issue.

      • anon

        A lot of us on this board can afford nice shoes while also being devastated about Afghanistan and contributing generously to refugee organizations. Gentle reminder that this is a fashion blog.

        • Anonymous

          Thank you. You are not an insensitive jerk because you decide to buy certain shoes.

      • Anon

        Watch out it’s the woke police

        I think golden goose sneakers are ugly

        But it’s none of my business if other people buy them

        And I’m also upset about Afghanistan but aware that someone buying a pair of sneakers has zero impact on the situation there

    • Worried

      I like the ecco brand, though not necessarily the trendiest, some styles are similar to the naturalizer one mentioned. Also a shout out to new balance styles which may work for you. I’ve been adding these styles to dress looks at work and have received compliments from the ‘cool sneaker younger’ crowd. In fact, over the last year I’ve basically only been adding boots and cool sneaks and not much in between.

    • Anon

      I know! drives me nuts. The other color on the website was matched up, which is weird.

      • Cat

        Same. I really love Vince sweaters but this top looks like something I’d see at Target for $25 in poly.

        • pugsnbourbon

          And I would absolutely buy it for $25. I really like the print and I’m picky about prints in general.

    • anon

      I had that exact same thought. Weirdly, it seems to be perfectly matched on the brown shirt, and I’m wondering if this was some kind of weird photoshop issue where they just put a pattern onto an existing shirt?

    • anon

      Seriously. I also really miss the days when I could find silk shells at a reasonable price (under $100) at places like J.crew, BR, and Ann Taylor. Those seem to have gone the way of the dinosaurs now.

  4. No Face

    Any design blogs or house tour websites that feature normal-sized homes? Pictures of soaring ceilings and massive kitchen islands are not helping me arrange furniture in my very normal house.

  5. Anon

    I’ve seen a mention on here a couple of times recently that the $15K gift limit to avoid taxes is not actually accurate. A relative would like to make a major gift, and she would love to avoid having to keep track and pay it out over years and years, but her accountant can’t find info. Could one of you point me to a tax section or some other sort of reference? There was something about the actual limit being 3.2 million over the lifetime, but my search skills are failing me.

  6. Anon

    Can anyone in DC recommend fun outdoor workout classes? Ideally I’d like to find classes that foster camaraderie between attendees and even more ideally classes that single men would also go to (but that’s not essential.)

    • Anon

      Following!

      Can I also just say, finding single men to date in DC is frustratingly difficult!

    • emeralds

      Check out the November Project: https://november-project.com/washington-dc/

      I haven’t been to the one in DC, but I went occasionally when I lived in a city with one and it was super-fun! Great workouts, lots of camaraderie, pretty close to a 50/50 gender split (at least at the one I went to), very welcoming and super easy to talk to people, plus it’s free :)

    • emeralds

      In mod for being foolish enough to link, but check out the November Project.

      I haven’t been to the one in DC, but I went occasionally when I lived in a city with one and it was super-fun! Great workouts, lots of camaraderie, pretty close to a 50/50 gender split (at least at the one I went to), very welcoming and super easy to talk to people, plus it’s free :)

    • emeralds

      Mod is killing me…OP, google the November Project DC and check back later for more info, I guess.

    • Anon

      Is November Project still a thing? A bunch of my friends did it when I lived I DC in 2012-2014. Seemed even more cult like than Cross Fit to me, but they loved it.

  7. anon

    If you’ve started going back into the office, what’s your morning routine and how has it changed since pre-pandemic?

    I’ve culled my closet (thanks to two pandemic moves), so I have pretty limited workwear which makes getting dressed for work pretty easy. My office has also unofficially gotten more casual, which also helps.

    I actually added a step to my makeup routine (from 3 to 5 steps! Added brow gel and tinted chapstick to my standing routine of bb cream or skin tint, eyeliner and mascara), however, I cut out a few steps of my skincare routine so it’s a wash for time.

    I’ve been so much worse about packing a lunch and bringing my own coffee. When working from home, I got in the habit of going out for coffee as my “commute” and I haven’t gone back to making it at home. I also got very used to not packing lunches, and unfortunately havent re-adopted that yet (but it’s pricey so I have to be better)

    • pugsnbourbon

      Right there with you on the lunch thing. I had a pretty good habit of bringing in a stack of frozen entrees and yogurt at the beginning of the week and for some reason that’s evaporated.
      Makeup has gotten simpler – eyeliner, concealer, mascara and lipstick most days. Same with clothes – I am still figuring out how to dress with changes in the office and my role.

    • Anon

      I’ve had to start bringing my own coffee because I quit dairy, and my work caf is NOT on board with anything that doesn’t fit a “meat and potatoes, three squares a day” kind of diet. There are no employee fridges to store my own almond milk. It’s a pain, but my body stopped tolerating cow products, so it is what it is.

    • anon

      Hmm, I think I’m dressing for my day more than I did before, when I felt a certain amount of pressure to look perfectly polished every day. Like today I have only one internal meeting, so I’m in loafers, cotton blend pants, and a pastel Oxford shirt, untucked. My beauty routine hasn’t changed that much; I kept doing hair and light makeup even during WFH because it made me feel ready for the day.

      Probably the biggest change, though, is that pre-pandemic I was busting my tail to show up at the office between 7:30-7:45 every day so I could leave at 4:30 to pick up my kids. I am much looser about my schedule now. If I roll in at 8:12 instead of 8:00, I’m not going to freak out about it. I still have to keep things moving in the morning, but I’m giving myself (and my kids) a lot more grace to take the time we need instead of rushing to meet some arbitrary butts-in-seats timeline. I don’t take meetings before 9:00 anymore unless I have no choice.

  8. Anon

    Do you experience “white coat high blood pressure”? What do you do about it?

    • Cat

      Yes and my dr had me buy a cuff to use at home. My readings at home are typically 20 lower than in the office.

      • anon

        +1 to an at-home device. And when I go into the office, I ask them to take my BP manually instead of using the machine.

        • Pompom

          +1.

          I have them take it at the end, too, once I’ve settled in. I have to sometimes tell the nurse not to take it in the beginning, explaining why…which sometimes gets a look from the less experienced among them. Having it done manually (stethoscope and sphygnomameter vs. the machine) is waaaayyy less stressful for me.

          I like the Omron cuff (not bracelet) for home use. It’s relatively true vs. a manual measurement, which bracelet models frequently do not live up to.

          • Anon

            Yes, after a few times where the dentist took my blood pressure with a wrist cuff and told me it was high, I brought in my own blood pressure machine with an arm cuff and had them take it. It was 30 points lower with the arm cuff and the dental tech said “I wonder if this is why so many people have told us they think the wrist cuff isn’t working.” The next time I was at the dentist they had an arm cuff machine, no wrist cuff.

            And, OP, I had the BP machine because I had “white coat hypertension” for years and my doctor recommended I started taking it at home. It would be 150/95 at the doctor and at home, taking it per the directions that come with the machine, it was never higher than 120/75. My doctor talked to me at length about the “right way” to take blood pressure, which is almost never how it’s done in clinical practice. The instructions that come with the machine lay out how you’re supposed to do it and if you take multiple readings following those directions and your BP isn’t high, then according to my doctor, you don’t have high blood pressure. BP machines are usually FSA reimbursed, if you have an FSA, and they sell them at most drugstores if you want to go today and get one to see what your BP looks like when you take it at home.

          • Anon

            Sphygmomanometer is one of my favorite words.

            It’s up there with Verkehrsampel, which is German for traffic light.

    • Sunflower

      +1 to taking your blood pressure at home and keeping a record of it. Also, my husband has a bad case of white coat syndrome and at his cardiologist’s office they take my husband’s blood pressure upon his arrival in the examining room and again a few minutes later. It’s always much lower the second time.

      • OP

        OP here…I know I was rushed and stressed when they took it 1 time this morning as soon as I arrived. Can you please recommend your BP monitor? There are so many with bad reviews online (sigh)….thank you.

    • Anon

      Agree with everyone else, but don’t ignore it completely if it’s consistently high at the doctor’s. It probably an indication of your general stress response and if you’re frequently stressed, your blood pressure is probably frequently elevated. In that case, you might want to think about lifestyle changes or medication.

    • Anon

      When you get into the exam room, sit with your feet flat on the floor and your arms at rest in your lap. The nurse/assistant should take all your other vitals and update your chart before taking your BP – this is standard procedure. They’re supposed to take BP no sooner than 2 minutes from when you walk into the exam room.

      While the assistant is doing all of that focus on breathing slowly and deeply. Make friendly chit chat if possible. Tell the assistant you get anxious about having your BP measured.

      Most importantly, buy an at-home blood pressure machine and take your own readings when you’re calm. Keep track of those and provide them to your doctor so that they have a record of BP readings other than the ones they get in the office when you’re anxious.

    • Anon

      No, but I recently started fainting at blood tests and right-before surgeries. I do not have this issue at the dentist and I suspect it is due to the fact that the dentist is talking to me during the task and is explaining what he is doing, how it looks etc. For BP measurement, I am chilled but my mom is monitoring at home as doing it in the office gives her weird readings.

    • Anon

      I get my blood pressure taken at the pharmacy instead.

      Though at one doctor’s office, they send out a nurse who actually knows how to take blood pressure. Most recently trained healthcare providers do not take blood pressure properly which exaggerates the white coat hypertension readings. It’s easy to look up: arm should be at a certain height and should be resting, legs should be uncrossed and at rest, patient shouldn’t be engaging in conversation, etc. I’m short enough that this is never done correctly by default.

        • Anon

          They don’t have 5 minutes. 2 minutes is the standard but they often take it before then. You can say no. But I don’t think you can require them to wait 5 with the way most offices are scheduled.

          • Anon

            I sit around alone and ignored for at least five minutes at every doctor’s appt. anyway. When they do a second reading on my blood pressure, they typically leave me alone for a while after the appt., and then somebody comes in to do a more accurate reading at their own convenience.

  9. Anon

    I’m tired, y’all. I’ve been going through nonstop chaos for the past year. Two branches of my family lost everything in the wildfires and moved cross-country for our support, a parent’s dementia accelerated rapidly into violence that seriously injured another family member before we could get them into a facility, and my spouse was diagnosed with partial organ failure due to his poor lifestyle choices (constantly stuffing his face with trash, out of stress from everything else going on).

    Anyone else dealing with a ton of stuff that has nothing to do with Covid? It feels like nobody has any mental space for anything else, and needing support not related to the pandemic is treated like too much to ask.

    • Anonymous

      I’m sorry for what you have gone through – the wildfires in particular speak to me because of how much they sucked for my family and friends last year too. I think you should try to get into some therapy as soon as you can. You’re right that other people might not give you the mental space, but you need to take it. Honestly, if you’re at the point where you speak that way about your spouse, I think it’s really important to go in and get your own needs and feelings addressed.

      • Anon

        Sounds like the comments about the spouse were pretty factual. What does sugarcoating anything accomplish? People need reality checks.

        • Anonymous

          No, unless her spouse was eating garbage out of the dumpster like a raccoon, it wasn’t factual. It was dehumanizing. In my experience, if you get to that point with a loved one, mental health care is needed on an urgent basis.

          • anon

            eh. I think that’s just how some of us speak. I referred to my diet recently as a gremlin diet. My mom will straight up tell my dad that he’s eating crap and getting fat and that he needs to cut it out. We’re just direct.

          • Anonymous

            Yikes. I had disordered eating for over ten years stemming from way less “direct” comments than that. Your poor father.

          • Anon

            Cool, except that honesty without compassion is cruelty and be aware that some people don’t appreciate your style as “directness,” they just see it as jerkiness. You have probably heard that before.

          • Anon

            I do not have time for this kind of nonsense. Behavior has consequences, and eating yourself to death isn’t improved by adjective choice. All you’re doing is distracting people from the real issue.

          • LaurenB

            What the heck difference does it make if she says her spouse experienced health issues because he was eating trash, garbage, or junk food? It’s the same thing and it’s crazy to derail on the specific word choice. All of these are how normal people refer to junk food. You know darn well she didn’t mean actual trash as in rummaging through a dumpster.

          • Anonymous

            LaurenB, as I’m sure you understand, people do not tend to improve their health when they encounter stigmatizing attitudes. Rather, they often descend into shame and self-harming behaviors. No fat person has EVER said “You know what, you’re right! I never realized I’m fat! You have opened my eyes, performed a valuable service, and change starts this instant! I will now snap my fingers and stop being fat!”

          • anon

            how are you supposed to tell people that their diet is awful and they’re experiencing health consequences as a result?

          • anon

            Anon at 1:07

            My mom is telling my dad to knock off the soda/fast food/chips because she cares about him and wants him to be alive and healthy for several more decades. THat’s all out of compassion.

          • Anon

            2:02

            Here’s a handy checklist for you

            Are you their doctor?

            Did they ask you why they’ve gained weight?

            If the answer to both of those is no, you don’t say anything at all about their food choices.

            See? Easy.

          • anon

            agree to disagree, I suppose.

            I just cant imagine watching a spouse eat themselves to death and not doing something about it. Nutrition is a big part of health (weight related or not), and I’m going to encourage my spouse/parents to make healthier choices if its impacting their health because I do care. I’d expect them to do the same with me.

            A few extra pounds around the holidays – I might say something, I might not (lots of factors at play on if I say something or not). Going into organ failure due to diet? I’m absolutely going to say something and help them do better.

          • Kt

            Anon at 1:54

            I actually didn’t realize I was overweight until a relative pointed it out to me. I thought I gained about 5lbs during COVID, but after my weight gain was pointed out to me I realized that I had actually gained over 20 (had never gained that much before, so didn’t know what it looked/felt like). It was the wakeup call I needed to return to the gym and healthier food choices. There are plenty of ways to call it out without stigmatizing it.

            Additionally, I went to the doctor shortly after I was called out and my cholesterol was a good bit higher than it was previously, so it there were indeed health implications to my weight gain.

          • anon

            You anti diet culture crusaders are exhausting. We have to be able to talk openly and honestly about the consequences of poor nutrition — please get over your obsession over word choice. It’s not compassionate to let someone eat themselves to death. Also have you ever heard of hyperbole or metaphors? When you’re done with your keyboard warrioring, you should look it up.

          • Anon

            Funny you’re calling everyone but you a keyboard warrior.

            Statistics show that criticizing people for being fat is not helpful. In fact it’s correlated with more weight gain.

            Fat people know they’re fat. Telling someone they’re shoving trash into their faces is not medical advice and honestly it’s not meant to be helpful. It’s meant to be fat shaming and is more about feeding your superiority complex than it is about actually helping.

            https://www.healthline.com/nutrition/fat-shaming-makes-things-worse

          • ANON

            mkay fatty, go cry about it into some ice cream lol. you’re gross and i honestly don’t care about the words that make you feel less so.

        • Anonymous

          I definitely consider it factual. My DH Is prone to lifestyle diseases because of bad genes and we both definitely make comments on eating “trash”. However my sympathies to OP, I can’t imagine how I’d feel if my husband didn’t take care of himself to mitigate known problems.

          • Anonymous

            +1

            My family is filled with former college athletes who still workout and eat well (or at least decently) and we all still have high cholesterol, pre-diabetes, heart issues, etc. thanks to genetics. There are a few relatives who don’t take care of themselves the way they should, knowing what we are up against. We are naturally direct, but especially when it comes to people’s health. I’d rather be overly direct to someone and have them healthy then not be forceful enough and have them suffer a heart attack.

            Also – the last thing this OP needs is a husband with medical issues (especially if avoidable). At the very least, she’s now worried about him. But, depending on how serious his issues are she has to make time to attend medical appointments, make time/put out effort to take care of him, deal with medical payments, be a caretaker, and/or become a widow prematurely. If he’s eating garbage, she should tell him he’s eating garbage.

    • Anonymous

      Yes. One family member had cancer in her 80s and lived into her mid-90s, pre-pandemic. Now I am coming to grips that some cancers cut down otherwise healthy people in their 40s and early 50s, often in a matter of months. I guess I thought that cancer, like heart attacks, are generally survivable and treatable and life goes on. Except when it doesn’t. IDK whether any of this is the pandemic’s fault, probably a bit in that much care was delayed in 2020 and maybe that could have things caught sooner or treated differently or have had the referral occur, etc. I feel like a lot of us took our eye off of the ball and those chickens are coming home to roost.

    • Anon

      oh my. that is A LOT. sending lots and lots and lots of hugs. and wine. you are right that the pandemic has impacted so many people both emotionally and logistically, leaving them not as much space to support others, but i still try really hard to be there for my friends if they are going through something difficult. make sure you are also taking care of yourself. that phrase, ‘put on your own oxygen mask first,’ definitely applies in this situation

    • anon

      That is a LOT. Not that a day or two solves a year of chaos, but would it be possible for you to take a weekend “off”? Take a staycation to a local hotel or Airbnb, do a spa day, hang by the pool, eat nice takeout? Take a day or two to yourself and don’t deal with any family stuff?

    • Anon4this

      Yes, right there with you. So much sympathy. My very close family went through a seemingly irrevocable split related to dealing with the estate of a grandparent who passed. I can’t see most of them because they are overseas. My father’s lung cancer returned and he can’t get on the schedule for medical treatment he needs because the hospital is full of unvaccinated COVID patients, his long term girlfriend found out she has breast cancer (thankfully her treatment is still moving forward), I went through infertility treatment and finally got pregnant with kiddo number 2 in the summer only for the delta variant to pop up. Oh and I’ve done a year plus of pandemic parenting. I’m so over it all.

  10. Anonymous

    My kids might go back to school next week after 1.5 years out of school. They and their friends were little kids when lockdown happened. Since then, they have morphed and they are wholly different people that I barely recognize (time marches more slowly for parents, who I still kind of recognize, even with masks). This is bewildering, like I’ve been Rip Van Winkle and time has just marched on without me. Half of my recent insta “you might know” people are actually kids in my kids’ grades (not ready for that, none of these kids is even a teenager except the red-shirted ones and yet they all are acting like influencers and posting up a storm (to be fair, they don’t have a lot of better options now for human contact)).

    • Anonymous

      For sure. We have recently seen people for the first time in 18 months and my youngest morphed from a diaper wearing 18 month old to a 3 year old going to preschool. Which is the age my middle was when the pandemic shut things down.

      My middle is going into K, which is where my oldest was in 2020. Shes (we hope) going to have the actual K experience her big sister never got.

      It’s so, so weird.

    • Seventh Sister

      My eldest is 13 and while some of the kids I recognize, others have changed a lot. Our baby-faced little neighbor who always reminded me of an upper-class schoolboy in a Merchant Ivory movie is now taller than his mom, skinny as a rail, and has a tiny mustache like the guy in Queen’s Gambit.

  11. Agurk

    Can anyone recommend a fee-based financial advisor in the Chicago area? My sister needs some help with financial planning. She knows almost nothing about it, and her husband comes from a country where “investing” as we know it doesn’t exist and their is a pension so no one plans for retirement. He doesn’t understand why you would do anything but leave money in your checking account. They need an advisor who can gently educate and guide them on long term planning in the US. Thanks!

    • anonchicago

      I went through this recently and chose Savant Wealth Management. Some of the other advisors I interviewed claimed to be fee only and weren’t, or were super condescending. Savant has a flat fee structure and an AUM model depending on the level of ongoing support you are looking for.

  12. Porch Pirates

    We moved into a new place recently and have had 5 packages stolen (including several gifts that I didn’t know were coming so I just looked really impolite when I didn’t thank people). I know this is essentially a tax on city living, but it’s very stressful and I’d love an alternative to hoping I am home and can get to the door immediately upon delivery. Theoretically we could have things delivered to an Amazon locker or P.O. Box, but we don’t have a car, which makes anything large a pain. We have a porch and could add some sort of package box if there is one that is effective and package delivery (USPS/UPS/FedEx) services will use. Any recommendations? Any other solutions that have worked for you?

    • Anonymous

      Honestly, the only thing that worked for us was moving. I don’t mean that to be flip, but to point out that this is a big problem that isn’t easy to solve. I guess your best option will be the Amazon locker or PO Box – DEFINITELY don’t trust anything important to your door now that you’ve seen this happen five times already. It will not improve anytime soon.

    • Cat

      1. Sign up with USPS, Fedex, and UPS for (free!) accounts. You then get a daily email digest from USPS with incoming mail and packages (though not bulk mail like catalogs) and an email from UPS or Fedex when (a) an item ships to your name and address, (b) the day before it’s going to be out for delivery, and then (c) when it’s out. This is super helpful for gifts because you know when it’s coming even though you didn’t get tracking info from the retailer.

      2. With those accounts you can also leave instructions like if you have a neighbor who’s usually at home – tell them to leave packages with that person.

      3. UPS has dropoff points that you can use (like a local store that agrees to receive packages for addresses in the area). Not sure about Fedex.

      • Cat

        Oh also- get a smart doorbell. If you ever need to file a claim to get a refund, you’ll have video evidence.

        • Cat

          oh and also also – depending on your employer they may or may not care if you ship to your office instead. (Obviously this works for small stuff only bc you still have to get it home.)

      • Curious

        +1 to signing up for this. We know exactly what we are supposed to be getting and so we have a record (and peace of mind the time we had mail stolen out of the box that it was all junk).

        That said, I’ve had $400 worth of returns stolen out of an apartment lobby before. I know monitoring isn’t a complete solution, and I feel your pain.

    • anon

      Assuming you have a porch, I’d invest in a package holder at this point. The best google term is parcel box, and depending on the size of packages you usually get, many have drop slots that make it very difficult to get the package out without a key even if really motivated.

    • Patricia Gardiner

      We pay for a UPS box at a store close by. The UPS store receives all packages and holds them safely, we pick up 1-2 times a week if needed.

  13. Anonymous

    Those of you who volunteer time – where do you volunteer? Or what type of cause? Has it changed since 2019?

    • Anonymous

      Me and my children (now 10 and 12) always volunteered at the homeless shelter. We would serve meals, clean, make hygiene kits, read to the kids, help with the monthly birthday parties for the kids. But because of the pandemic they stopped allowing outside volunteers. So we have been volunteering at the local food pantry instead. The one near us has a huge warehouse where they package bulk items (they can buy a huge pallet of pasta for example (comes loose in a giant box) for much cheaper and then volunteers weigh it and package it.) We also assemble boxes and help load them into cars for people.

    • anonymous

      I’ve been volunteering at an animal shelter once a week for a few years now.

    • LawDawg

      I have volunteered for a homeless shelter for years. Pre-pandemic that meant a shift cleaning up and serving breakfast in a congregate shelter (mattresses on the floor of a church gym). Now, I deliver boxes of food to the clients who are housed in apartments. I am glad to be supporting the same org as they pivoted how they service those in need.

      In the past, I volunteered at a humane society and also fostered kittens for them.

      • Saguaro

        Same! I have had to take a break because work was just too busy, but looking forward to getting back to it!

    • Curious

      I used to volunteer regularly for a youth leadership organization (I was in the org. in college and acted as an advisor) and with a climate org. They both shifted to Zoom in the pandemic and I just couldn’t deal with it on top of remote work; I dropped out. I haven’t really picked up anything else, other than just being helpful to neighbors.

    • Anon

      I’m on a nonprofit board. It was a lot of extra work early in the pandemic, but now back to normal. I recommend nonprofit boards. The one I work with is large enough to have a real impact in my community, but small enough where my time really matters.

      So much of getting medium/small organizations to tend to the right issues internally and for the community is just showing up, knowing what needs to be done, and helping get it done.

    • Anon

      I volunteer weekly at a local food pantry boxing up product, frozen meat, and dry goods for delivery to local apartment complexes. I LOVE it because it is the exact opposite of my job. My job: chaotic, lacks structure, hard to figure out processes, remote, sedentary. Volunteering: very structured, active, well-defined process, and in-person (everyone is masked). There is something very satisfying about knowing you have to fill exactly 60 boxes in a session, filling those boxes, and being done. No emotional labor, no grandstanding or passive-aggressive coworkers, just food in a box.

    • Anon

      I volunteer helping nonprofits with problems related to my subject area of expertise via Catchafire and Taproot. It has changed since 2019 as prior to me taking a new job this year, I had no time or mental bandwidth to do much volunteering at all. I really enjoy working with the nonprofits I team up with and have provided them with some good value (or that’s what they’ve told me) that otherwise they would have had to pay someone for. Plus it’s all done virtually, and I can fit it around my own schedule.

    • anon

      I started a new pandemic volunteer gig in spring. My local school district matched volunteers with teachers to help out on zoom, engage kids in small breakout groups and help them solve problems. I spent an hour a week in a zoom meeting doing elementary school math and it was easy to schedule around. Now they are back in person and I have stopped volunteering.
      I dabble in editing wikipedia and digital citizen science tasks on zooniverse, but I need to find a more steady volunteer gig again.

    • Anon

      Just started as a volunteer with my local Make a Wish as a Wish Granter. I haven’t done any wishes yet, but I’m excited to get my first wish!

  14. Horse Crazy

    I’ve wanted to get blonde highlights in my hair for at least a year, and now the appointment is this afternoon and I’m having second thoughts. I’m 28 years old and have never ever ever dyed my hair. It used to be naturally blonder when I worked as a lifeguard during college and was in the sun/in the pool every day all summer. It’s gotten more brown (and honestly more drab) since then. I finally made an appointment and now I’m freaking out a little. Is this normal? I completely trust my stylist – she’s amazing and knows I only want a few highlights to lighten it a little bit, but I’m still nervous! What if I hate it?? How long until it goes back to normal? Will it ever go back to normal?? I’m quite sure I’m blowing this out of proportion, but it’s where my head’s at right now.

    • No Problem

      Totally normal!

      It will help your colorist if you bring in pictures of what you like so she can get a sense of the color and tone you are looking for, as well as the thickness and distribution of the highlights. She should also have colored hair samples for you to look at.

      You very well might hate it at first, because it will look like a big change. But a) you will get used to it and b) it will fade a bit over time. If you don’t already use shampoo for color treated hair, you should get some.

      And if you still really hate it after a few weeks, you can have her dye it back to your original color. Hair color is permanent, but it’s not forever.

    • Anon

      If you hate it, you can dye over it in a week. It will go back to normal as it grows out. You should go for it. It’s a super low-stakes change to make. And, you might love it!

    • Anon

      Your stylist can choose something more subtle if blonde is freaking you out. There’s tons of ways to do highlights–you can look sun-kissed and not like a mom blogger who went crazy with DIY chunky highlights. There’s a way to do this subtly. Good luck!

    • Anone

      Just let your stylist know your fears and be specific about what you want. If you start out subtle, you probably won’t hate it, and it will give you an idea if you want to do more, or add color as well as highlights, etc. Good luck.

      • PolyB

        I was upfront with my stylist when I started getting highlights that I would not be in every six weeks or whatever to maintain it. So she did very, very thin highlights and used about three different colors so everything blended (I’m medium blonde without highlights, highlights just made everything a little brighter). With the very thin highlights, you don’t have to worry so much about them growing out, it’s not as noticeable.

        But hair color is super fun! My stylist was a wizard with colors and she would make my hair lighter in the spring/summer, then going into fall would do more lowlights and maybe even a little auburn to mix things up. Then I started getting purple streaks blended in, mostly on the underside, but still visible. The only comments I got at the office were requests for my stylist’s contact info.

        And it’s much less of an investment than a cut. Like everyone is saying here, it’s not that hard to fix a bad dye job.

    • Anon

      My hair sounds similiar to yours, as far as lightening naturally. I started getting them around the same time as you. My stylist does a high lift color (less strong than bleach), and it is very subtle and grows out very naturally. I keep getting them done because I like them, but they would regrow without a distinct line. You’ll love it!

    • Anon

      I joke that I have hair color dysmorphia because I’m blonde but always wanted it to be blonder. I started getting balayage and I’m so glad I did. I love my hair color now and frankly wish I’d started doing it much sooner. I can also go a couple months at least without getting it redone because it’s still fairly close to my natural hair color.

      • Anon

        I read somewhere that there’s good evidence that Vikings bleached their hair to make blonder. I thought it was funny that blondes going blonder has been a thing that long! I also always want to go blonder.

  15. anon

    Thinking of signing up for the fall whole life challenge – can anyone who has done it speak to their experience? What do you get out of it that you can’t get out of a free program? Did your habits actually change for the better?

  16. Anon

    Venting. My psychiatrist canceled a long anticipated appointment yesterday, and the nearest available slot to reschedule is in over a month. I’m really struggling with my depression and in need of a medication change or adjustment. The reality that I have to wait another month was a big blow. I sent a message to the doc asking if there were any adjustments we could make now, but I have a feeling the answer will be no without a full discussion. I realize I’m extremely lucky to even have access to a psychiatrist, and a month isn’t that long, and there are way worse things in the world. But still, its got me feeling a bit hopeless.

    • Car stuff

      That really sucks. You did the right thing…. messaging the doctor now. If they dropped the ball, they need to go the extra mile to try to cover you until the next appointment.

    • nuqotw

      I’m really sorry. Hugs; it’s a tough spot.

      On a practical note, would your PCP do a quick med check for you / would you be comfortable with that to get you through that month?

      Good luck.

    • anomanomanom

      is telehealth through your insurance an option? I was able to get a psychiatric consult to have medication prescribed in less than a week using the telehealth through bcbs after going through similar scheduling issues back in April. It has been a game changer.

    • anonymous

      I’m a broken record but see if there are any licensed psychiatric nurses in your area. In some (most?) states they’re able to prescribe. The one I see does only med management and I was able to get an appointment within two weeks of contacting her.

    • anon

      I would message again and tell them that you really need an immediate appt based on how your MH is right now. They should have some emergency appts and be able to slot you in, even if its over tele. Stress the importance and your hopelessness.

      • Anonymous

        Yeah, this nuts – my psychiatrist used to do a lot over the phone. They can fit you in if you need to be seen. If they will do nothing, call your PCP and start looking for a new psychiatrist. And hugs to you – hang in there! In my experience, August is the worst time to have a mental health problem as all therapists go on vacation.

      • Anon

        +1 Doctors can fit you in. Like, pretty much any doctor can find an emergency appointment and this sounds like it.

  17. Anonymous

    Does anyone in the DC or Northern Virginia area have a hair cutter who will do outdoor haircuts?

  18. Any

    Has anyone found travel insurance that covers cancelation for covid-related reasons? Like if a state decides to restrict travel again?

  19. Anone

    Sleeper sofas that are actually comfortable? We have had one for 2 years and it is super uncomfortable to sleep on. My cat has now clawed it to bits, prompting us to buy a new one; this time we want one that people can actually sleep on comfortably. My SIL has one from American Leather which is quite comfortable, but after some brief research those sleeper sofas are priced over $4,000. If that’s what I have to pay, I will, but wanted to check if anyone had other recs first. Thanks.

    • No Problem

      Look into getting a memory foam mattress for whatever you buy. They make ones that are designed for sofa beds. Some sofa bed sellers may offer them, but you can definitely buy them separately online. The problem with standard sofa bed mattresses is that they are too thin for traditional innerspring/coils to actually work.

      • anon

        +1. I have a memory foam mattress in my sleeper sofa and guests always rave about how comfy it is.

    • Anon

      Macy’s Radford or Radley. The queen sleeper is legit comfy. Not for like, a month, but def for a few days.

    • Anonymous

      I have a really comfortable one from Bob’s Discount Furniture of all places. I bought it there years ago in my mid 20s for <$1000 (it's a loveseat with a full sized mattress) and it's survived every move since then. And it is truly comfortable – I slept on it myself for a few weeks after a move once.

    • Sybil

      LaZBoy with the upgrade to the memory foam mattress. Comfortable for at least multiple days in a row. We bought it when I had my second kid and my mom was staying with us, so it’s also 65 year old approved.

    • Anon

      Or get a regular sofa and a super nice air mattress…I find them more comfy than a sofa bed any day of the week.

    • AnonMon

      I have a Luonto that is really comfortable, sleeps like a platform bed and doesn’t have any of those horrid metal bar mechanisms.

    • Anon

      I assume the American leather is over 4000 because it’s leather. That’s probably better for keeping your cat from clawing it to bits anyway. Why buy another fabric sofa just to have it clawed too death again?

      • Anone

        The ones at that price point are actually not leather. We are fine with fabric as long as it’s not nubby or textured enough for my cat to dig his claws into it. He leaves smooth fabrics alone. Lesson learned: always shop in store or order a fabric swatch first.

    • Room and Board

      American Leather makes some of the Room and Board sleeper sofas and IIRC they cost less at R&B. Our model is the Alston (Allston?) and we’ve been quite happy with it. Anything else on the R&B website that has the same bed style (for lack of a better word; R&B has some different mattresses in their sleeper sofas) as the Alston should be made by American Leather (maybe others are too, but I’m not sure).

    • Anon

      i’ve asked this question to many different people and i think even once on this board before, and i always hear American Leather bc they don’t have the bars in them. We are about to move into a new house and it will probably be one of my first purchases, though I’ve never actually owned one

      • Anonymous

        +1. They also tug up snugly against the wall even when pulled out. AL really is worth the $$.

  20. editor

    Does anyone have either an Arlo or a Lorex security camera and can comment on them, in any regard? Ease of installation, use . . .anything? Thanks!

    Specifying these two as I can order them from Costco; my mind isn’t closed to others.

    • Anon

      I have multiple Arlo cameras. My husband installed them in less than 20 minutes each and the app is very user friendly. We have the app on both of our phones and on our Echo Show (I think that is what is called) in our kitchen.

    • anon

      Hah I just had this convo with a friend yesterday. No idea on Lorex but I have a friend who’s happy with their Arlo and another who hates them. The one who hates them says they un-sync from the base from time to time, and the battery life is horrendous (under a month) so it’s a pain to swap the battery especially if you have multiple devices. She uses a solar powered one now that she’s finally happy with (reolink). I bought two on her recommendation but haven’t received or installed so that’s my disclosure.

    • Anon

      We have Arlo! I can’t comment on how easy it was to install but I think it works great.

    • Anonymous

      We use Kotex. DH wired our house and now that it is up it’s very user friendly for me. I can’t speak to installing it bc he did all that.

      • Anon

        I’m dying at this autocorrect.

        My mom was from another generation, and Kotex was her word for sanitary pads, even though it was just one brand name (like Band-Aids) and even though we always bought a different brand. Tampax was her word for any and all tampons.

  21. Anon

    Can anyone recommend a 14-15″ Chromebook that’s cheap and has a great, crisp display? So many chromebooks have awful displays!

    It’s for my 75 yo mom and after driving all over creation to five different stores, I’m thoroughly frustrated with the in-person purchasing experience (out-of-stock, display models not turned on, etc) and need to ship her one, but it’s so hard without being able to touch and see in person.

    • Anonymous

      I bought a Lenovo Chromebook that’s a 3 in 1. I like that I can turn it to tent mode to watch yoga videos. It is also a touchscreen.

      Lenovo Chromebook Flex 5 13″ Laptop, FHD (1920 x 1080) Touch Display, Intel Core i3-10110U Processor, 4GB DDR4 Onboard RAM, 64GB eMMC, Intel Integrated Graphics, Chrome OS, 82B80006UX, Graphite Grey

  22. anon

    Can you help me come up with a way to address a colleague who consistently refers to a group as “the girls”? As in, “I will get with the girls to discuss.” It just feels very wrong to me.
    The group is all women and she is a woman as well. She is new to the small division and definitely skews toward overfamiliarity. She has used an abbreviated version of my name which I distinctly dislike. I want to address things sooner rather than later. TIA!

      • Pompom

        This is a helpful Q, I think…get with what your reaction is to frame your reply–if any.

        I’m not the OP, but when I’ve experienced something similar (overfamiliar coworker, “the girls”), it irritates me because it feels unprofessional or infantilzing or something like that. Hard to put a finger on it, but it just doesn’t feel right. I’m not a girl, I’m an experienced woman who you can just call by my name, or in a collective as “Hi, team,” or something like that.

        • anon

          Yes!! All of this exactly. And yes, there are so many other ways to phrase it. “Let’s get the team together” or “the group can talk offline.”

      • anon

        This is a great question. I think it is mostly the overfamiliarity but also feels somewhat impolite to me somehow. I’m 41 and just don’t want to be referred to that way by a colleague. Maybe I will bring it up with my boss if it feels right.
        Would others not feel bothered by this? Genuinely curious.

        • Vicky Austin

          I would feel bothered by the name-shortening or being called “hon” (which happens to me frequently), and I’m younger than you are.

      • Anon

        For me it’s the infantilizing. We are grown ass women supporting ourselves as working adults. We are not girls. They don’t call our counterparts boys. “Girls” is just a way of saying “you are less than.”

        • Monday

          I find it infantilizing, and also feel that it brings gender into the work in a way that doesn’t make sense. A group of colleagues working together do not need to be characterized by their shared gender.

          Offhand, I am most used to women calling their coworkers “girls” in contexts where appearance, specifically an attractive feminine appearance, matters a lot in the job.

    • Anon

      Unless you’re her supervisor, “girls” is a her thing, not a you thing. You can correct her on your name, though.

    • anon

      I think it’s hard to correct a woman saying the girls. If it were a man, I’d put a stop to it immediately (because, in my experience it’s always been used by men at work in a condescending manner), but I think if a woman wants to call a group of women girls, it’s hard to tell her no.

      For the name, feel free to correct.

    • Anon

      I had a supervisor way back in the 1990s who referred to his female staff as girls or gals. I told him he should be referring to us as women and he was very resistant but he eventually stopped saying girls. You have to use your words.

    • Anon

      I would also bristle at being referred to as a girl at work. You could pull her aside and kindly let her know you prefer “the team” or similar.

    • Anon

      “Boss, when you refer to our team as girls, it is not helping us to be seen as professionals. Please, call us …..”. It takes practice for the person – I also had a marketing team of 6 women and we (the marketing team) referred to our team as girls from marketing. It sounds normal in our language (and yes, men refer to themselves as boys too) and we only realized it when a foreign national joined our team and we had to switch to English.
      On your name – just tell boss you go by X. I myself ignore when someone calls me Y instead of X, because I assume the person is talking to someone else and not me.

      • Anon

        I agree, and I am very surprised to see the pushback here about correcting the use of “girls.” It’s unprofessional to refer to women as girls. It’s inaccurate. When we’re 18 or older, we are women. Yes, it may be awkward to hold this conversation, but I applaud you for considering how to approach the issue.

        I know that plenty of women refer to women as girls. I don’t think it’s mandatory that you must correct your colleague, but there is nothing wrong with making the request.

        If referring to women in the workplace as “ladies” feels off to you, use that feeling to help you understand why “girls” is also inappropriate. Imagine your boss saying that he will talk with the “girls and boys” to get input about a matter. Ugh.

    • Anon

      You can and should correct her on your name, but unless you are her boss, I would steer clear of making an issue of “girls”. And complaining about it makes you look petty and high maintenance. If your supervisor objects, she can address it.

  23. Shopping help?

    I’m going to a small wedding this fall and I’m looking for a nice dress, preferably velvet?? Like a rich hunter green velvet? Does this dress (or similar) exist? Help me find something with those vibes! Thanks!

  24. Anonymous

    May be posting too late – what do folks think about car shopping right now? I’ve always bought 1 or 2 year old lease backs, never new. However, the current used car shortage has used cars only $5-6K less than new. Is insurance significantly more for new? Excise tax? What are other advantages/disadvantages?

    • Anon

      No, insurance isn’t much more… disadvantage is obviously price, but I would definitely go new if there’s only a small difference.

    • Go for it

      New car-

      Advantages: warranty length, you’re the one breaking it in, new car smell

      Disadvantages: $, taxes, sense of preciousness, insurance cost ? maybe

      I have gone both routes with success; however, at this point in the pandemic I’d be inclined to go new because most dealerships (NE) are begging for used cars so I feel like they’ll take just about anything, minimally dust it up and bump up the $ on it.

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