Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Cinched-Waist Dress
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Sales of note for 3/21/25:
- Nordstrom – Spring sale, up to 50% off: Free People, AllSaints, AG, and more
- Ann Taylor – 25% off suiting + 25% off tops & sweaters + extra 50% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 40% off everything + extra 20% off
- Eloquii – $39+ dresses & jumpsuits + up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – 25% off select linen & cashmere + up to 50% off select styles + extra 40% off sale
- J.Crew Factory – Friends & Family Sale: Extra 15% off your purchase + extra 50% off clearance + 50-60% off spring faves
- M.M.LaFleur – Flash Sale: Get the Ultimate Jardigan for $198 on sale; use code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Buy 1 get 1 50% off everything, includes markdowns
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- I'm fairly senior in BigLaw – where should I be shopping?
- how best to ask my husband to help me buy a new car?
- should we move away from DC?
- quick weeknight recipes that don’t require meal prep
- how to become a morning person
- whether to attend a distant destination wedding
- sending a care package to a friend who was laid off
- at what point in your career can you buy nice things?
- what are you learning as an adult?
- how to slog through one more year in the city (before suburbs)
Does anyone else have an unreasonable aversion to animal print? I love the shape of this dress, and I’d take it any day with a big splashy floral over it.
Agree. Animal print always reads as cheap to me unless it’s being used subtly in accessories like a white leopard print flat or a tortoise shell eyeglass frame.
I think tortoise shell or snakeskin print generally don’t look cheap, but leopard always, always does to me. I saw a photo of a home with beautiful, tasteful furniture and art and a leopard stair runner and it just ruined everything.
I literally shuddered at the phrase “leopard stair runner”
To each their own! We are putting in an animal print stair runner and it’s going to look fab! Life is too short to not go with what you love!
I love animal prints and think every room or every outfit needs just a touch of it!
So funny! A leopard stair runner sounds incredible to me. I’d love to see that home if you remember where you saw it.
Here it is – no shade against anyone who likes it, but it’s not my style!
https://www.theglampad.com/2019/06/a-classic-colonial-by-cece-barfield-thompson.html
We put it in and love it and gets lots of compliments!
No, but it really depends on the colorways for me. This one would work, but I like the darker ones and for fall/winter to go with my largely black OMG I don’t live in NYC anymore why can I not wear colors wardrobe. I’m with florals/abstract patterns when it’s warmer (and in the SEUS, it is always warmer).
Something about the proportions on this dress really wouldn’t work for me. I would wind up looking about 12 with the big poofy skirt that is above the knee. Maybe longer and less full if it also had a ruffle?
Not the animal print, but I am tired of the tiered ruffle at the bottom. I’d rather just have the fuller skirt (maybe 1/2 circle, something more than an a-line) rather than having a seam that cuts me horizontally.
Exactly. I think the ruffle would be really unflattering. That said, it’s an interesting piece. Keep it up, Elizabeth!
The skirt is cute, but I already bought this summer’s pleated skirt.
+1. Don’t mind the print, but hate that ruffle.
I have never liked animal print. I’m 54 so I probably never will.
I’m okay with like splashes of tortoise shell or cheetah, like a belt or wallet or something. Not a dress…
In general I’m probably not a fan with a whole dress being animal print, but this snake print in general gives me the absolute CREEPS. Yikes.
Nope, I love it. It’s got to be the right thing, but it’s a pretty classic look. I love a dress or skirt in it paired with classic pieces or a denim jacket.
I have a great lands end sheath in leopard print. It’s a bigger print- I hate the small leopard print, and I love it for a more casual day where I still have to dress up a bit.
I turn 40 in 6 months and thinking of this number has been bothering me. I know I should be grateful for even being here but still. Mainly it’s feeling like I haven’t done things that others have like have kids, or get married, I’m single at the moment. This year when I bought a cake to share with my family my mum commented on this, saying the next cake should be a wedding cake(on that occasion I was just happy to be there with them, I have been living on different continents, first in the U.S. and now France since last summer, so many many years away from home.). I’m trying to think of ways to enjoy this time though and finding it hard because of the unticked boxes. So I guess I’m posting to ask for advice on how to make the best of what I do have now and not worry too much about people’s comments. It may seem weird to some but I’m from a culture where being my age unmarried and child-free is seen as a sort of failure (originally from Kenya). FWIW I am more content and happier than I was in the past couple of years but as much as one may like to shrug off the comments sometimes they do get to you.
Solidarity and following.
Me too. I come from the US, and I still feel like sort of a failure at age 40, unmarried and childless. I am not unhappy, but, there is something lingering underneath it all. I think of my nieces and nephews and think…if they ended up single and unmarried at 40, would their parents be proud of them? It just isn’t really the outcome that anyone wants when they think about their future.
Your comment about your nieces and nephews parents possibly not being proud of them makes me sad. My aunt was single until she was 41 and was a total inspiration. She lived a life so different than the rest of my family – my parents and the rest of their siblings stayed in the suburbs and had very stable, 9-5 jobs, got married young, had 2-3 kids, etc., which is a lovely life. But my aunt went away to college, lived in NYC for years, went to grad school across the country, had a job that she loved, was a great friend to her successful women friends with cool jobs, took spontaneous weekend trips and traveled internationally with her friends, etc., etc. She also took excellent care of her parents, and was an involved aunt.
When she ultimately did get married (at 41), I was actually disappointed, which sounds crazy now. But I was worried she might abandon the life I had always admired. She was the only woman I knew like her – I got to see how her life worked, and how proud our family was of her, and it made me (and my cousins) feel like we could choose something different than the rest of our family – which many of us have done. My family was proud of her – grandfather bragged about her job, mom and dad always worried her bf-of-the-moment wouldn’t be supportive enough of her career, and my grandmother (a traditional stay at home mom) loved visiting her and experiencing a life so different than the one she had chosen for herself.
This is a larger societal issue, obviously. But I guess this is an anecdote to say that there are many lives worth living and can make a family proud. I think ultimately parents want their children to have lives that make their children happy – so I think sometimes it’s not that a family is not proud of their unmarried/single child, but if that child wanted marriage/children and it didn’t work out, the parents are sympathizing with the child’s disappointment.
I agree. I have a godmother who is nearing 60 and has never married and she’s such an inspiration to me.
“Next cake should be a wedding cake”? Oh dear. I’m sorry. Everyone has things they thought they’d have done already but haven’t. The social and family pressure on marriage and kids makes that topic especially challenging.
Make a list of the amazing things you *have* done and feel rad about them! Name one or two things that you have always wanted to do but haven’t, and that are totally within your control (learning a new hobby, traveling to [wherever], etc.). Then commit to doing those. Sign up for a class, book the flight, etc. Celebrate how wonderful you have been for 40 years and how wonderful you will be over the next 40 years.
Are you dissatisfied because you want marriage and children, or are you bothered because you feel that you “should” have those things when you don’t really want them? Those are two different issues.
I think it’s more the latter I am bothered because I feel I “should” have them because most of my younger cousins do, some of my peers–though not all. It’s what’s expected. I have friends from high school that are like me. My last serious relationship could have led to marriage but then I realized that I didn’t want to marry him, even now I still think if I did it would have been a mistake. For now I am dating but also realizing that I have enjoyed being single. So it is really the “should” that’s the problem.
I’m from a different culture but the marriage fixation is the same. It is more pressure than in white american christian culture! I am literally greeted at every family wedding or baby related event with “may this happen for you soon”. It’s the traditional greeting to single women in our language. I feel you. I’m a decade younger but also get SO much pressure. At least in my family/community the pressure actually dies down once you get into your 40s – its not for especially nice reasons bc people have basically given up, but I have also seen how much happier the women in my family who haven’t married and/or had kids got once they hit their 40s. It sounds like you have a great life and you have accomplished so much, moving to France is amazing! Have you ever said to your family “my goal is happiness not marriage. please make peace with the fact that I may never get married, and even if I do I may not have children?” that was a very difficult conversation that I had with my parents (I’ve always known I don’t want kids). It didn’t totally kill the pressure but it definitely got a lot better after. Once they cooled down a little I asked them to congratulate me on non marriage/kids related accomplishments more, and they have. You can push back against those cultural norms in your family. It won’t be easy or change overnight but I definitely recommend asking your family for what you need.
In Greek culture, it is a HUGE deal to be married, have kids, and all that jazz. My grandmother’s youngest sister (in the 1970s! ) decided NOT to have kids and married an American man. This was an even bigger deal back then. She had the cool job, house, and just all around different lifestyle than any other woman in my family. It was an inspiration to me and she still is! You don’t have to do what everyone thinks you “should.” And you are not lacking. You have made different choices. I am grateful we have the ability to make these choices now. You do you. So many people chose wrong just because they felt they should and they are miserable.
I doubt this will “seem weird” to anyone. The concept of being unmarried with no kids at 40 (as a woman) is challenging in any culture. You are not alone–far from it.
Book suggestions that have been helpful to me:
It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons Why You’re Single
No One Tells You This
Podcast: A Single Serving. Also writings online by its host, Shani Silver.
I felt the same way leading up to my 40th birthday. Starting when I turned 39, I set a goal to do one thing a month that I’d always wanted to do or something that scared me. I took a vacation by myself, got a new tattoo, went speed-dating, I spent money instead of hoarding it like I usually do, ate out by myself frequently, got my nipples pierced (yep, I did that), etc. By the end, I realized I loved my life and was truly happy, despite not having “all the boxes checked”. It was an emotional journey that I am so grateful I took for myself.
I had similar struggles before my last milestone birthday – especially since I have a sister who has already met all those “expectations”. Something that my therapist said to me that really stuck is: “Should” is a four-letter word. Whenever I start feeling like “I should be married by now”, “I should own property by now”, this helped me remember that these kind of expectations are total BS and nobody’s business but my own.
Which four letter word?
Haha “shud?”
In the same theme, my friend and I often refer to it as “shoulding on yourself” (or letting someone should on you) as a the same thing as “shidding” on yourself.
Weighing in late in the day just to say how much I love that you set up your own set of boxes to check before 40!! I’m now aspiring to make my own list.
You should read this. It is in line with my own personal experience:
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/may/25/women-happier-without-children-or-a-spouse-happiness-expert?CMP=Share_AndroidApp_Email
Not weird at all and I can totally relate. I am 37 and also from a culture where being unmarried and without children at my age is considered highly “concerning.” I recently turned 37, and almost every older relative/friend that called to wish me happy birthday also said something along the lines of “This is going to be the year you get settled;” “Don’t worry, I see marriage happening for you this year,” “Your husband and children are on the way this year,” etc. I do have a committed bf and perhaps we will get engaged this year – I don’t know. These kinds of comments used to really bother me and make me feel so inadequate. I have now made a decision to enjoy living and make a conscious effort to remind myself that other people’s assessment of where I should be in life do not determine my value and worth. Now, I just ignore those comments when they are made. I say nothing in response and simply change the subject. Commiserating with you and encouraging you to just live your life for you. It still is a struggle for me (I actually went to therapy for this issue last year), but think I am finally in a place where I am truly enjoying my life, making it a priority to do the things I’ve always wanted to do and learning to have inner peace (I’ve also had to distance myself a little from the most offending of my relatives).
What is with the fugly shoes on this picture? My great aunt Bertha would not wear those in The Villages.
I think they’d actually look pretty nice with jeans, although I agree the whole look above it terrible.
Speaking of shoes, how do J. Crew shoes run? I have duck feet, and usually wear Cole Haan and Coach.
It’s been a while since I’ve tried them, but my experience has been they run narrow. I also have duck feet and they’ve been painfully uncomfortable the few times I’ve tried.
I waver between my smaller/larger sizes depending on the style. Take my typical size in flats like the smoking slippers, 1/2 size up for pointed-toe heels. I have slightly triangular feet and provided I choose the right size, they typically work well for me.
Why did this comment go to m-d?
The type of slippers?
Narrow forefoot, wide heels. Hate their shape.
I’ve found them highly variable – some fit me perfectly and others make me collapse in pain. I have high arches, wide front, narrow heels.
Anyone have experience booking two Airbnbs that overlap? We’re planning a 10-night trip at Home Base, but want an overnight on Side Trip in the middle. Paying 2x for the same night doesn’t bother us because it’s offset by the nice discount we got on the main place (due to the week+ stay).
I’ve done that a lot, I regularly book a home base place, then go overnight elsewhere. I’ve never told the home base anything about it. What are you concerned about?
Wasn’t sure if booking a second place would affect the reservation for the first one via something automatic with Airbnb systems. Didn’t want to mess up our main reservation inadvertently.
Hmm, I don’t think it should, I don’t think it works like open table where one reservation cancels another out. I’ve never had an issue with it and have booked a few places at a time. You could always ask the host of the main base to make sure (I can’t imagine they’d care if you leave for a few days, it’s less wear and tear), but I don’t think it’s a problem on that platform.
It shouldn’t be an issue, but you could see if the side place is on another booking site like VRBO or homeaway and book there instead.
Last time I did this a few years ago, airbnb sent a reminder of overlap in the reservations and asking if I want to cancel, but didn’t automatically cancel either reservation.
My husband and I are going to Disneyland soon and I’m looking for some recommendations for food within the park. Food has always been an afterthought at Disneyland for me (I’ve been maybe 4-5 times in my life and haven’t ever really explored it), but I’m hoping to plan a fun mid-day break from the sun and try a sit-down place. Any recommendations? Other food recommendations (snacks, etc) are welcome too!
I’m going to Disneyland in November after not going for at least 10 years. Personally no recs, but there are dozens of blogs about Disney parks that I read frequently. Recommend Disney Tourist Blog and Disney Food Blog (DFB has youtube videos too that I like a lot). They all have in-depth reviews of pretty much everything Disney, including restaurants and hotels.
I would second Disney Tourist Blog. I love Tom Bricker, his commentary, his park/food reviews, and his photography
If you want a real restaurant make a reservation at the one in New Orleans square that is underground and overlooks the pirates of the Caribbean ride.
For less fancy we like the Mexican restaurant between adventure land and frontier land, or the rose cafe over by the little kid/ fantasy land area (kind of by Mr Toad’s wild ride)
Do you have tickets for California Adventure, too? I always thought the sit-down options were much better in that park. Carthay Circle is my favorite in California Adventure.
For Disneyland, The Blue Bayou in New Orleans Square is my favorite. It overlooks the beginning of Pirates of the Caribbean. Only ever been there for dinner but my husband and I were there for three days last time we went and ate dinner there twice.
There’s a wine bar with a terrace in California Adventure that’s really pleasant. No kids, so it’s truly a nice little relaxing spot to sit for a bit.
Frozen chocolate bananas :). I thought my Californian mother was crazy when she talked about them, but now I highly recommend.
Isn’t this like the easiest thing in the world to make at home? I’m no chef but I’m pretty sure I could dip a banana in melted chocolate and stick it in the freezer.
You could, and I have, but it’s nowhere near as good without flash freezing. I mean, that caaan be done at home but…
My favorite Disney food is the Spicy Meat on a Stick at Banyan BBQ near Jungle Cruise. It’s not a sit down place though.
The reservations window is 60 days and they will be booked solid for summer. If you can make reservations, The Blue Bayou is the best option within Disneyland itself. Carthay Circle and Wine Country Trattoria at California Adventure are both nice.
If you are inside the 60 days, then your best bet is to try to something in Downtown Disney (reservations also available). Don’t forget the hotels.
Fantasy travel planning! Were would you go (from a major airport) for four days in December with a budget around $2500?
Hawaii
+1 Specifically Kauai
Not Hawaii unless flying from the west coast. The east coast jet lag will kill at least one day out of your 4.
Going west is easier than going east. I go to Hawaii from the East Coast regularly and don’t “lose a day.” I wake up before 5 am the first couple days, but I go out for an early morning snorkel and brunch before the crowds arrive. I might take a short nap and/or go to bed early, but so what? I still have a full day to do stuff and it’s lovely. On the other hand, I do typically lose a day when going to Europe (I arrive mid-morning off a redeye, don’t get to my hotel until early afternoon and then need to sleep because I can’t sleep on planes. I’m lucky if I can wake up and get dinner before going back to sleep, but I don’t have the arrival day for sightseeing).
Yeah going west is the easy way. It won’t be a problem, and then when you land, you’re in Hawaii!
I’m going to Kauai next week! Would love any recs. (I’m pregnant – second trimester – so limiting anything TOO adventurous.)
Which side of the island? I have MANY recommendations.
Poipu beach on the south side. Spend a day at the Hyatt pool if you can swing it. Get up to to the canyon for the view and some cool air. Drive around the island up the east side to Princeville / Hanalei on the north side and stop at every little beach that looks interesting.
For towns I love old Koloa town. Wander around, the food trucks are great (we love the taco truck behind the shops) and then have some shave ice.
Staying on the East Shore, but we have a rental car.
Thanks, Anon – those sound great!
Also, I just went ahead and booked a day pass for the Hyatt – looks heavenly.
if you get to Hanalei, eat at Bar Acuda. amazing food. and if you’re there earlier in the day, their sister bakery is awesome. :)
there’s a bunch of small local deli-like places that have great poke and local foods that are non-poke.
Java Kai is my fave. It’s in Kapaa and EVERYTHING is good there.
London
Innsbruck if you ski. Vienna if you don’t.
Yes! Both would be dreamy Christmastime holidays. Depending on when in December there might not be good enough snow yet.
Isla Mujeres
Cartagena Colombia
Not OP, but tell me more? I might have a chance to go to Columbia, but I’m a little bit intimidated…
Cartagena is amazing and $2,500 would go a loooong way and get you something way nice.
All of Colombia really is. Cartagena is a particularly tourist-friendly place.
Our people are super nice and the food is amazing. The beaches are beautiful and it is very safe.
I am originally from there, married to an American, and we go all the time. My spouse LOVES going.
I went to Vienna for a week over Christmas last year and it was magical.
Paris? Might be kind of chilly, but charming at Christmas. Maybe Google “best Christmas destinations” and go to an off-the-beaten-path city that does Christmas up big!
Prague?
I got salad dressing on my (fabric) running shoes – any tips besides stain remover and soaking it out?
After doing that, I’d try leaving them out in the sun.
This is why you’re not supposed to eat salad while running!
(Kidding. Sorry I don’t have anything helpful to add).
HAHA! Really, I should just take the hint and have a cookie.
Do you really need to do more than stain remover and rinsing it out for a pair of running shoes? I assume you’re not wearing them to black tie occasions. My running shoes are permanently stained with mud and god knows what else and I have never been concerned in the least.
You might try using a dish soap that is supposed to break up oil.
For oil on non washable fabric I use powder – cornstarch would probably work too but i have some gold bong foot powder and I use that. Put a thick solid layer of powder on the oil stain. Let the powder soak up the oil for a while. Brush off the powder. Repeat if necessary. This will eventually work.
Gold *bond hahah
LOL best typo. Thank you all!
Toothbrush + Fels Naptha
Put them in the washing machine. I know it’s blasphemy but I wash all of my running shoes and have never had a problem. I don’t do it often, but more in the winter than the summer (b/c it’s wetter and grosser outside)… probably two to three times a year. They don’t seem to wear out noticeably faster.
NYCers- I’m seeing a Broadway show tonight and will be arriving via Grand Central. Any recs for either dinner or a good happy hour with food somewhere between Grand Central and Time Square area? I always struggle with restaurants in this area.
The oyster bar at grand central!!
I ate at the oyster bar last time I was at Grand Central and cannot recommend it. The restaurant was dismal and dingy, the service was rude, and the food was terrible and overpriced.
I don’t think you understand the charm of the oyster bar. Gruff service is part and parcel.
Seconding!
I really like Sen Sakana. It’s Peruvian/Japanese on 44th Street, and the best food I’ve had in central midtown in a long time.
YES! Great cocktails, too.
There’s like an indoor food truck type of space at 230 Park Avenue, burgers, pizza, lobster bar, etc. Steps outside grand central if you exit north towards 45th. Cheap, fun, and easy if you’re in a bit of a rush. Tartinery/Art’s chicken/oyster bar are all in grand central itself and good, though (shocker) pricery.
I went to Calle Dao near Bryant Park the other day and really liked it! They have a good happy hour with food
room service (thai) or pio pio (peruvian, may be a bit further than what you’re looking for) are my go tos when watching broadway
+1 for Room Service.
I enjoyed Wolfgang Puck’s restaurant last time I saw a show; if you want more bites and great cocktails check out Campbell’s Apartment (at Grand Central). For Broadway food I always like the Turkish restaurant on the west side of 9th ave., between 45th/44th. Another good cocktail spot is the Westin Hotel on 43rd street; not bad for food either.
Bryant Park Grill – for table service and the option of eating outside. I think they have a bar indoors where you can eat as well.
Eat Sweetgreen in Bryant Park. Sweetgreen is on 42nd street across from Bryant Park.
Grab something from Vanderbilt Food Hall and eat outside (or indoors, but it’s loud).
Chicago Hive – recommendations for a couples therapist? Prefer downtown, alternatively Western burbs.
Following…
I’ve heard good things about the Cira Center
Do you remember what were the best and not-so-great aspects of your college/MBA/JD life? Could you share where you went to school (at a level you are comfortable with)? What do you miss about it? What don’t you miss about it? Do you feel it significantly impacted your life during/after?
I went to a reasonably good public university on a 80% scholarship, and had a loosely knit group of introverted nerdy friends like myself. Classes were mostly meh (I graduated from a humanities major with a 4.0 without much effort), I didn’t participate in the party scene, and although I did a fair number of extracurricular activities, I didn’t consciously network on campus. Most days I thank my 18 year old self for being financially responsible, but at the same time I still have a twinge of regret over not having gone to a better (private) school due to my family not having the $$ (and my parents strongly discouraging that route) and feel like I have missed out.
Nowadays, my friends are all off doing our their thing, and we rarely see each other any more. I’m doing OK, but a bit dissatisfied with my career. All that is to say that I’m feeling a bit pensive, and loosely fantasizing about going back to school and reflecting on my student days. I know this board will try to talk me out of getting an MBA/JD (my interest is cursory and I will probably only go with if I can get significant scholarships to top tier schools), but maybe I’m also just seeing things through a nostalgic lens, or trying to compensate for not having gone to the college of my choice for financial reasons.
Not so great aspects of undergrad: I drank A LOT and put myself in unsafe scenarios on the regular, and don’t remember anything from any of my classes despite graduating with honors. Undergrad has almost zero impact on my current life.
Law school – went to a fourth tier toilet (regionally respected), but I loved it. It was HARD, but I picked up law school exams really early, which meant I could coast a bit in 2L and 3L. I was on law review, and involved in a lot of stuff. I loved the professors, but haven’t really stayed in touch with many of my classmates. I quickly found friends outside of law school because, having worked for years between undergrad and law school, felt many of them were out of touch. I also wasn’t interested in the traditional law school drama. The professors were awesome and we got excellent one-on-one attention. The administration was garbage then, but is much better now (I am active as an alumni). The best part of law school, discovering a new town where I have been for 14 years now. The worst part of law school $150k in student loans (even with a partial scholarship because I was dumb). I would not do it again even though I am happy in my career. I could do a lot of things and be happy and have way less debt.
Sadly, I had the exact same experience as you in the first paragraph. I am mortified now thinking back on it. It came from a combination of finally being “free” of my parents’ disapproving eye and having very low self-esteem. I wish someone had said something to me then, but pretty much everyone just encouraged it.
Luckily, I had a good law school experience. I am one of the few happy lawyers out there I think. I had a full scholarship at a T-20 school so it was really no skin off my teeth to go. I agree with all the commenters below who say it felt like high school (it did), but I did make some good friends, which is also rare I think.
I went to a good but not amazing private university in the Boston area and was kind of meh about many of my classes (I could have studied harder), but I joined the debate team and it became all-consuming. It’s one of the only things I miss about college, although I miss my study abroad semester even more. It fulfilled my intellectual interests in a way my classes didn’t, which is probably because I was undecided on my major and I came from a very poor, rural high school that offered little in the way of career guidance. I also made great friends and got to travel around the East Coast and internationally to compete.
I went to grad school on the West Cost and it wasn’t anything like undergrad. Honestly, you can’t really get those days back.
I like this one. But I was different. I went to the same private University in DC for both college and law school, did fairly well, but was distracted by both professors and law students pursuing me. I tried to stay professional, so did not sleep with the professors (unlike some of my suitemates), but found the students very immature (looking only for immediate s-xueal gratification at our expense — FOOEY!)
So now, I wish I had just found a guy to marry early, so I could be raising my kids by now rather then drafting briefs for court. But I can’t undo being a professional, b/c that is what pays the rent. I just hope to get married while I am still pretty enough to get a decent guy, which is not easy.
Tbh, in a lot of ways, law school felt more like high school than college to me (my law school class was half as big as my high school class , so everyone knew everyone’s business with the exception of law students who had worked for 5+ years before school and mostly had more going on in their personal lives outside of school, large parts of the day in the same building as everyone else).
+1. I liked college much more than law school for this reason. (I attended the same university for both, which may not have been the best choice in hindsight).
I also agree with the broader sentiment that you can’t really get those days back. I think career dissatisfaction is somewhat common, regardless of your education.
+1 Also having lockers in law school made it feel VERY high school to me. But yeah, having everyone in the same building all day basically, plus many people didn’t live “on campus” and so at the end of the day they went home to different parts of the city. Where I went to college (northeast Ivy League, not in NYC), we all lived in dorms or in houses right off campus within walking distance of our university, so it felt much more social and easier to see friends.
ooooh +1000, law school is just high school with legal drinking. Particularly 1L year, when everyone has mostly the same classes. I didn’t particularly care for law school (other than my own drive to want to do well at it) but enjoy law as a career.
What I AM nostalgic for: breaks where you can travel without anyone looking for you…
I don’t know how old you are, but unless you are still in your twenties, going back to school will not satiate your nostalgia for your breezy college days (smart with little effort required, similar friends nearby with similar schedules, etc). Grad school for an adult (or anyone past like 30 years old) is work. Even if you are able to do well with little effort (maybe), most of your colleagues won’t be so lucky, and many people have families or jobs and outside responsibilities besides just school… so it won’t be like undergrad in those ways. You mention that your interest in an MBA or JD is cursory (this is reason number two that you should not do it), but that you would only go if you get 1) a significant scholarship to 2) top tier schools. A cursory interest won’t get you that. You will have to study hard hard hard for the LSAT to get a significant scholarship to a top tier law school. I don’t know as much about an MBA, but law school is not a “do you think she just woke up one day and said I think I’ll go to law school today” Elle Woods project. You will not get significant scholarships to a top tier law school with a merely cursory interest. You’ll have to work your behind off. You sound like you want H/Y/S, which is great in theory, but your other requirements are mutually exclusive.
What on earth do you think you missed out on? Don’t pay for grad school to indulge a fantasy about the Ivy League.
I’m probably an anomaly but I really loved 1L year of law school. It was so intense. I had a group of girlfriends that were my study buddies. Then I transferred to a much higher ranked school and didn’t know anyone and imposter syndrome set in. I felt like such an outsider, and felt deeply insecure that everyone was so much better/smarter than me.
College was rough. A health condition that rarely affected my in HS became a full blown chronic illness that was completely unmanaged. It really affected me socially, academically, emotionally. It’s waay better today but I have no college friends and I really feel like I missed out.
First of all, you don’t get the “college experience” when you’re getting a masters or jd. It’s a completely different social scene from when you’re 19 and living in the dorms with a bunch of kids your age.
I went to a private liberal arts college that was highly ranked at the time. Living on campus was mandatory for everyone but a handful of seniors. I was very involved in campus life and I had a typical college experience. Classes were extremely difficult, and I was a basket case of stress and guilt when I would spend hours sitting in the dining hall at meals with friends. But I really treasure those times in retrospect. I think the intense friendships I had made it harder at first in the “real world” when I realized that adult friendships are not like the friendships you make in school. It was also really hard to come from an environment like that where you get a lot of smoke bl0wn up your rear about how smart you are, how great the school is, how people will be soooo impressed by you having gone there. (spoiler alert: no one cares.) The friends I have who took on a bunch of debt are still paying it off 10-15 years later. We are also all off doing our own thing and rarely see each other any more. 10-15 years out we’ve pretty much all landed on our feet after a heck of a lot of scrambling around in our 20s — shockingly no one actually wants to hire liberal arts majors.
I ended up going to state school to get my accounting and business classes done when I made a career change in my mid 20s. So I’ve been to both. The professors at the private college were a lot more ivory tower/head in the clouds. The state school professors were just as smart, but were a lot more career focused for their students in a way that I really appreciated. There was also a broader diversity in my classes at state school that I liked. I absolutely loved my private school college experience but there was a lot of disillusion that came with it in my 20s as I saw myself and my friends struggle.
Ha, I did my JD at NYU and it was verrrrrrrry college-y, probably because we all DID live in the dorms (largely due to the cost and complexity of figuring out an NYC apartment when moving from another state, and without the many thousands of dollars in deposits that NYC landlords wanted). 1L year especially was very hermetic – me and most of my friends just moved in a tight orbit between our dorms, the law school, and the law library. I was a weirdo for going up to Central Park to run and for studying in the non-law library sometimes.
OP, I went to undergrad at a private college that was very good (top 25) but not what I would have chosen had I been given free rein. I went there because it was free and my parents were strongly of the belief that it doesn’t matter a ton where you go to undergrad so long as it is fairly decent. (My dad is a college professor, FWIW.) I had a good undergrad experience although it took me longer to find my circle of friends given that I was sort of…hyper intellectual/nerdy (like, think the kids in Donna Tartt’s “The Secret History”) and my college tended more to be a place that appealed to smart, but intellectually uninterested, sporty types. That said, in the end I was very happy and got a wonderful education and it was good for me to learn to make my way in an environment that wasn’t perfectly tailored to my preferences.
Best: great classes with great professors, a wonderful community
Worst: untreated anxiety disorder
I’m planning to go back to school for a specific degree, but my general understanding is that grad school and undergrad and VERY different experiences.
I went to a large expensive private school that I couldn’t really afford because my HS had trained me to be too prestige oriented so I didn’t apply to any public schools but I also didn’t get into any ivies. I hated it. I had nothing in common with most of the people there, who were much wealthier than I was, and I was really struggling financially and working two+ jobs to pay living expenses while taking out massive loans for tuition. I also didn’t feel like the quality of education was anything special, having come from a very rigorous, academically focused HS. I have only one friend from undergrad, and we met in a weird way and never hung out at school. I did not live on campus and didn’t do the party scene.
I definitely feel a pang of FOMO when I heard my friends talk about their awesome college experiences. If I could go back to being 17, I would have applied and gone to a very different school. But I have a great life now, and don’t think about this often.
I think 90% of your problem in terms of making friends and fitting in was not living on campus.
Oh yeah definitely, but I couldn’t afford the dorms. I slept on the couch in the home of an elderly relative in exchange for paying the electric, cable and phone bills and helping out with cleaning and errands, while dorms cost ~$800 a month for a bed in a double. I worked retail while taking the maximum credit load, graduated in 3 years with $75k in debt, much of it financed with 12% private loans because my parent refused to cosign them and other parent was not in the picture. I was in a very very different place than the other students.
Had I gone to a state school, I would have had a better experience in every way, including financially. Definitely a regret on that score.
I went to an elite private liberal arts college. My biggest regret is that I wasn’t self-aware in college to figure out what I WANTED to do instead of what I SHOULD do. I really only pursued law school, and in hindsight I would have done well at something more concrete like accounting or finance. The idea of a career other than law school didn’t really ever cross my mind. My mom is a lawyer and I just kind of assumed I would be one too. I don’t love being a lawyer.
I partied too much because I wanted to be cool, not because I really wanted to. It was only senior year that I realized we had incredible speakers, plays, concerts, etc and I wish I had taken more advantage of those things earlier. I’m a perfect example of how youth is wasted on the young. I stayed in touch with only a couple of friends from college and law school. I regret not making deeper connections with people, though it is hard to maintain school friendships when all of us scattered throughout the country. Basically I feel like my college experience was too shallow on the non-academic aspects and too narrowly focused on the career aspect.
I went right from college to law school, which was a mistake. I was burned out and didn’t focus as much as I should have 1L year, though I excelled 2L and 3L. All in all, things have worked out fine for me- I’m happily married in a stable, reasonably well-paying job. But yes, I do have regrets and wish I had done some things differently in college. I think the only thing I miss about school is the more flexible schedule.
I just graduated from grad school. I went to a good undergrad, but I went to higher tier grad school that 18 year old me was not getting into – and would not have liked at that age. You can’t recreate exactly how college was. Grad school classes were very tough for me, but it was fabulous to be back on campus, a notoriously academic/nerdy one at that, and the people in my program were great and I made good friends there.
I went to a large college in a major city for undergrad. I liked most of my classes and had a good group of friends there too, but I didn’t have a passion/focus as much as I do now (and in grad school) and I think that’s a big part of feeling fulfilled for me. Im still close with a small group of friends from there, and I’ve found that whenever we do meet again or I reach out, we’re still close. So the friendship is there if if we don’t interact as much.
I don’t think what you feel you missed out on had anything to do with how fancy a college you went to. Going back to grad school I realized that my test anxiety is really a problem and homework sucks, and getting a salary is nice. I have a friend who is always joining sports leagues and different Meetups and volunteer societies . . she is working a “traditional, boring” job but always doing something interesting. I really admire her and think he example is something to look up to.
I definitely romanticize college when I think back on it. I had pretty back anxiety the last two years and was glad to be done, but when I think of college I remember my friends, a club and professors I really liked, etc . .
I don’t think school is as great as its cracked up to be, and I also don’t think work is as bad as it sometimes feels or is talked about. Everything has advantages and disadvantages.
I had a similar undergrad experience (large public SEC school on full scholarship) and went to a T17 school for my J.D. I had a lot more friends in law school, was generally a lot more social, and am in much better touch with my friends from law school. Part of this is that we are in the same profession, so we all at least have that in common. That also means similar incomes and that we go to similar professional events. My friends from college spread out to all different cities and all have different jobs, so we just don’t have much in common. (In contrast, DH is an engineer and is still BFFs with his engineering friends.)
I think this type of nostalgia is common. Even though I essentially got a do-over of undergrad with law school, I still feel like I “missed out” on college in that I don’t really have friends to go back to tailgates with, etc., whereas DH does. I also feel like I should have done things differently. However, recently, I’ve realized that I’m not sure I really could have done things differently. I was in such a nerdy group in high school. Starting college, I thought I was a nerd, had never been to parties, did not realize I liked parties, etc. If I’d gone to another school with more kids like me, I think I would have fit in better sooner, potentially, but I honestly think I’m better off for spending four years of college essentially learning to socialize. College was just part of my awkward teenage years, really, and I’m not sure that anything I could have done socially would have changed that. (And, I had no debt from undergrad, so that was nice at least.)
I did the reverse (small private top LAC, large public SEC school on full scholarship for law school) and feel that nostalgia too and FOMO from seeing friends go to tailgates with friends from college and seeing all the resources that would have been available if I had gone to undergrad at our flagship SEC school. I did have a lovely experience at the LAC, but feel like I missed out on some things that the large school would have provided.
I am a huge nerd and would love to go back to school, but that won’t fix my FOMO of wanting deeper friendships with my undergrad friends. I’ve had the fortune of meeting lots of lovely friends through my gym and local young professional organization, and that helps some.
I went to an elite private university with a STEM focus. Socially, I really loved it. Most of my classmates and I were nerds in high school and it was nice not to be relegated to the nerd circle in college. Everyone had a shared passion for engineering and science, and for the most part my classmates were really kind, passionate and fun to be around. I did things I wouldn’t have done at most other schools (join a sorority, hang out at frats). Academically it was really tough. All of my classmates were basically the valedictorians of our high school classes and half of us (including me) had to be in the bottom half at college. I did ok in the end – my final GPA was something like a B+ average, but that was mostly because I took more non-STEM classes than most. But I really lost my love of learning and my passion for science, and I really felt like my professors weren’t supportive of any students who weren’t at the top of the class. I entered college wanting to pursue a PhD and be a scientist, I left wanting to do “anything but” (I decided on law). I blame my university for that at least partially. I believe I would have gotten a PhD in STEM if I’d gone to a small liberal arts college (whether that would have been the right decision and whether I would have succeeded in academia longterm are separate questions).
I went to a private top 25 law school. Agree that law school felt a lot like high school and not just because of the lockers, etc. I was back to being “the nerd” (everyone was smart and well read, but I was a super nerd on a different level). My undergrad didn’t really have cliques. I obviously wasn’t close friends with all my classmates, but since most people had friends through classes, Greek life, dorms and sports/extracurriculars, there weren’t really social groups or “popular kids.” In law school there were definitely cliques just like in high school. I also lived off campus with a college BF for 1L year, so I never got very integrated into the law school social scene. Academically, law school was great. It was really easy for me after college and my academic success (4.0 GPA my first year, law review, etc.) gave me a much-needed confidence boost after undergrad.
This is akin to my experience: engineering undergrad, then law school. College was better socially – no cliques, lots of people who loved to learn. Even though I went to a T20 law school, it just felt less intellectual than college.
I don’t miss school, even though I loved a lot of it at the time and have some good memories.
I’m actually really glad I graduated college when I did. Times have changed on campuses now – no-platforming speakers you disagree with is de rigueur, professors are getting kicked out for making students “feel unsafe” (see the recent news about the Harvard professor losing his job for acting as legal counsel for Harvey Weinstein), and there is little diversity of thought. I had none of those problems when I was in school, but we did have controversial speakers and amazing student protests and involvement. That’s the kind of intellectual environment I miss at times, but I don’t think you can find it at most schools now.
You absolutely can, you don’t seem to really know what you’re talking about. Yeah it varies from school to school, but this just sounds like “back in my day”-ing
Sure, I’m positive I could find a few schools that haven’t fallen prey to this unfortunate trend, but my point is just that it’s a much, much more widespread trend now than it was when I was in school (and I only graduated within the last ten years). I had never even heard of the concept of “feeling unsafe” when used to describe feelings rather than situations posing imminent danger to life, but it’s universally recognized now. I actually think that smartphones have a lot to do with this; I’ve read a number of books and articles linking smartphone usage to anxiety in adolescents and young adults. If you have increased anxiety in a setting of decreased coping skills and resilience, it’s going to be a rough ride intellectually. This is all at a time when students have never been more physically safe or supported in school.
I’m not sure when you went to college, but the 1990s were rife with similar complaints regarding similar issues. Take a look at Katie Roiphe’s “The Morning After: S*x, Fear, and Feminism On Campus” (published mid-1990s). There’s nothing new under the sun.
“I had never even heard of the concept of “feeling unsafe” when used to describe feelings rather than situations posing imminent danger to life, but it’s universally recognized now.”
Eh. I think you’re confused. The fields of sociology and psychology have advanced some since you had to walk up hill in the snow both ways and we recognize now that there are times when people feel “unsafe” short of facing an imminent threat to their health or life. It does not mean that people are weaker or whinier or conforming or afraid of being challenged or afraid of your (conservative, of course) ideas. This concept also applies off campus– for example, would you ever tell a woman in an emotionally abusive relationship that she’s wrong for feeling unsafe even if her husband has never hit her? People don’t just need physical safety. They need to feel safe to be who they are, to reveal aspects of their identity that don’t conform to the norm, they need to feel accepted and acknowledged by their communities.
Also, consider that something isn’t a “widespread trend” just because fox news posts three “articles” about it per week. Part of me doubts you only graduated in the last 10 years because the concept of safe spaces definitely existed when I graduated from college 10 years ago.
Anon at 2:07, check out “The Coddling of the American Mind” in The Atlantic (one of their top articles ever) and then come back to me.
I *have* read “The Coddling of the American Mind” and felt like it was written by someone who was either ignoring, or had forgotten, the 1990s. FWIW.
Anon at 2:07, it is disrespectful to both conservatives and abuse victims to compare conservative speech to emotional abuse.
The free exchange of ideas is a central part of an academic environment.
I’ve been in higher ed my entire career and this is not what it’s like at the schools where I’ve worked. I’ll also say that never having “felt unsafe,” outside of imminent danger to life, reflects a level of privilege that our increasingly diverse population of college students often does not have.
You are correct that students do have increased rates of anxiety and depression. But pointing the finger at smartphones and universities as the sole causes–let’s just say that lacks nuance.
I went to the small liberal arts college that gave me the most financial aid. I basically needed 100% and only one came through, so that’s where I went.
It turned out to be a good decision because the smaller class sizes suited me. I was one of only a few math majors so my only large classes were the ones other majors, like engineering, took. Otherwise I often had classes with 5-20 students. I knew most of my professors pretty well and felt like they were looking out for me.
I joined a sorority which feels like a weird choice for a financial aid student but the university was short on on-campus housing and they owned the Greek houses (the physical structure) so moving into the sorority was the same price as the dorms, including dues. Being in the sorority was a great experience because it helped me come out of my nerdy/shy shell and develop leadership skills. I held various offices and leaned a lot about working with large groups to reach consensus (a skill that has come in very handy in the corporate world.)
So the combination of my small classes and the sorority experience made me a graduating math major who really knew math and was able to speak to people.
I honestly wouldn’t change a thing, except maybe paying back student loans for 15 years!
I had an incredible undergrad experience at my small southern liberal arts school. I had amazing professors who pushed me to be the best version of myself and challenged me at every turn. I still talk to several professors in a regular basis. And I have a strong group of girlfriends who all lived in my same freshman hall. Over a decade later and despite living all over the country, we still get together at least once a year and have a constant group text chain going.
Law school- went to Wake. It was fine. Law school was a means to an end. I didn’t do well, (and I still have a ton of loans) but I’ve ended up in BigLaw anyway. I like my job/practice area (commercial real estate), but I wouldn’t recommend that anyone really go to law school and I would tell my past self to get into the analyst/business side of real estate and not the legal side. I have a handful of friends for law school, but I don’t do anything to support the school and haven’t been back to the school since graduation and I have no plans to. Meanwhile, I am constantly promoting my undergrad and, if everything financially goes well, hope to one day fund a scholarship (likely partial) or a research grant for a professor for undergrad. So, I miss just about everything about undergrad and nothing from law school.
Did you go to Sewanee?
No, Davidson (pre Steph Curry). Loved every minute of it! I also met my husband there, so that’s part of it too.
I know a handful of people that went to Davidson and they all LOVE IT. Not in a creepy cultish way. They just all seem to have had really great experiences there and wouldn’t change anything about the experience, like you said. We’re not in the south but I’m going to encourage my daughter to look into it.
Coming back way late to say that it really is an incredible place. There’s a reason it has one of the highest alumni giving percentages in the country – alumni really do want to show their support and pay it forward.
LOVED my undergrad, absolutely hated b school; both ranked within top 3 of college/business school respectively.
Undergrad: inspiring professors, interesting and brilliant classmates who cared about making a difference in their fields (varied by person but generally an interest in some combination of being a leader, changing the world, giving back to communities), challenging classes, got a great group of friends who remain some of the closest and most amazing people in my life, generally always felt socially welcome
B school: inspiring professors but they had little control over pervasive lack of academic effort which brought their classes down, not-that-impressive classmates who were incredibly cliquey and were very focused on giving the impression of prestige/exclusivity, general attitude that it was not cool to “care” about or put effort into anything and not that much thought in a broader goals beyond money, saw lots of cheating on relationships, exams, etc that was generally accepted by the student and administrative community (relationships I could have ignored though it made me feel icky, the academic cheating really bothered me)
Which b-school if you’re willing to say? I went to Wharton undergrad and am wondering if you were a Wharton MBA. IDK if they don’t care overall but the #1 thing for them ALL THE TIME is $$$$ (and at the undergrad level too).
Ooh, let’s see.
State school, small town in small state. Academic quality is probably a solid C+ (see what I did there?). I daydreamed about other schools (all out of state), but this one had everything I wanted, was a reasonable distance from home, was my best chance for a full ride (which I did get and was able to use most of), and on top of all that I’d pretty much always envisioned myself going there (family legacy).
Best: independence, study abroad, opportunities to really dig into subjects I loved, loads of time to discover myself, learning to be resourceful. I feel like I really became a person in college – I was just a parent-adjacent blob before that.
Worst: I didn’t push myself to make or really keep friends. It took me five years altogether to finish college in part because I spent the third year abroad, and that remains a weird little break in my experience of campus. I hadn’t fully put down roots even after the first two years, I think (I was a really sheltered and introverted kid and it took me a LONG time to leave the dorm room), and then I came back and campus life had sort of moved on without me, and I didn’t try to catch up. I did plenty of extracurriculars during both two-year stints and wasn’t lonely, but I often think if I’d tried to bond with more people each side of my abroad year (and also during but that’s a separate question), I might have felt more connected to the campus when I left.
That said, I do think of those years fondly (she said, from her high perch of mid-20’s), I met my husband and a few other lifelong friends there, and I’m very proud of all the work that went into my degree.
I’ve actually been doing a lot of thinking about this lately. I went to a very good school and it was my first-choice school. My “regret” — if I can call it that, not sure if it’s regret or what it really is — is that I went for business management and accounting, technically a double major. I should be golden — I graduated with honors and I have a world of opportunity with a dual degree, but I went that route strictly out of practicality. I knew I would always have good, solid job choices.
But…. I’ve had jobs I’ve hated. The recession hit me hard. I was laid off for 18 months. Couldn’t BUY a job in my field where I live (and moving was not an option as I was caring for my mother at the same time.) The setback was rough, but I got through it. What I really, really wanted to back then was major in communications, specifically broadcasting. I was able to get a part-time job in that field years ago and loved it — to a point. I got to do what I always wanted to do, but encountered a lot of politics, sexism, and just downright not being taken seriously. As much as I loved what I was doing, I didn’t love the environment. And now, sadly, most of those jobs do not even exist anymore. I got in the industry at the tail end of its heyday and I watched it pretty much disappear before my eyes. What a way to watch a dream vanish into thin air.
Looking back, I feel like I wasted those college years, as much as I enjoyed them and as much as I know they prepared me for “life after college.” I still feel, though, as if I’m trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. And I know I’m a helluva lot older than a good many of you all here. Consider it motherly/big sisterly/auntly advice — None of us have it all figured out and being dissatisfied with your life/job/whatever situation is way more common than you think. It’s not just you. We’re all rowing around in that same boat, trying not to hit the damn iceberg.
I went to a top 15 undergrad (non-Ivy) but was pretty unhappy my entire time there (I didn’t want to go there but it was the highest ranked school I got into, so I went). I graduated in three years and then set my sights on law school. I went to HYS for my JD and for the most part, was happy with my experience there. I learned a lot and met great people, and have had incredible career opportunities available to me as a result. I am on the opposite coast of my law school, though, and there aren’t a ton of alums in my city, so that makes it harder to network.
I went to a top 20 elite private school. I was totally sold on the marketing and I had this idea that very middle-class public school me would become this elite, super successful person once I got there, that my life would be SET. The reality was slightly different. I worked with kids whose parents were CEOs and senators, kids who never had to work a day in their lives. Meanwhile, I did work study, took out loans, and had to work boring jobs every summer to finance school while other kids did glamorous internships that paid nothing. I found my people, but the class divide was huge and real. No one could have prepared me for that.
I got an excellent education and I am truly grateful for it. But what I learned most there was how easily the world works for the 1% and how most of them never even realize it. For many of these kids, a successful life had already been arranged and predetermined before they ever set foot on campus. That blew my mind and I’m glad I saw it, even though it was a shock at the time.
My perspective is that public and private schools have very different cultures, and it is totally possible to miss out on one by choosing the other (they both have their pros and cons).
I wonder, however, whether a professional school degree program would even be the best way to capture the private school experience. Have you also considered summer MA programs, a residential language immersion program (whether in the US or abroad), joining an archaeological dig, or even just showing up to public lectures from well regarded speakers if there’s a private school close to you?
In my 20s, I was pretty dissatisfied with myself for my college career path, but coming up on 20 years out, I can honestly say it doesn’t matter one whit anymore.
I had gone to a good private school for 12 years (the kind of run-of-the-mill private school with Day in its title) and had good grades and good SATs, but my guidance counselor suggested schools I thought were beneath me (not the prestigious main campus of the in-state university, but a much less rigorous satellite campus, even though I didn’t actually want to go to said prestigious in-state school because “everyone” from my school that I had been with for the last 12 years was going there and I wanted new people, thankyouverymuch). My family didn’t have any noteworthy college ties (no history of rooting for X in sports, etc), so I was kinda adrift. So what did I do? I followed my year-older boyfriend to HIS college that had nothing to do with my interests. I stayed there three semesters (we broke up the first semester, naturally), and then my mom asked me to move home, so I went to the school closest to the house for one semester, and hated it. Then and only then did I finally go to the prestigious main campus of the state university like I just should have in the first place. So my diploma is from State U, but I only spent a couple semesters there.
With all this transferring, I didn’t really make any friendships, didn’t really get the traditional college experience. What I did get was a heap of life experience and a bachelor’s, and in the end, that’s all that matters. And yep, years later I did go back to law school and get the fun experience with friendships and all that, but the student loan debt was REAL.
I went to what is currently the top public school for undergrad, EECS major. It was a great choice for me because tuition was less than $5k at that time, and I also received grants for low-income students. Most of my friends were in the engineering program, and I really liked most people in my program. I also found my coursework interesting. My parents moved back to our home country when I went to college, so I lived on campus for a year and then in an apartment with the same 3 classmates/close friends for the last 3 years. I graduated with about 15k in student loan debt and could pay that off quickly as a software engineer.
I went to a T14 public school for law school. This was a very different experience and I did not enjoy it much at all. There were a lot of difficult personalities, and I found the coursework boring. I am glad I went to law school though, because a decade out I still really like being an attorney. The student loan debt was real though, even though I had a partial scholarship and paid out of pocket from savings. Don’t go back to school searching for friendships – there are cheaper ways to do this.
Please don’t take on student debt to make friends.
What’s on your bucket list? I’ve been thinking about a milestone birthday like the poster above, and for me it’s more about feeling like time is passing me by and I want to do more things.
I want to do an international vacation by myself!
I don’t have a bucket list, but generally I am trying to travel more. I am planning to do a big trip next year for my 40th to Croatia. It will be solo and take more planning than I am used to, but I really want to do it and have an amazing time.
I recently became friends with someone in a band and it sparked my interest in getting back into music (I used to sing and play instruments). I’m going through a busy time right now, but I’ve already looked into taking voice lessons. I also have a guitar that I need to learn how to play. haha
My husband and I recently decided to do the 50 before 50 and see all the states. We have about 15 to go, but of course it’s some of the hardest (Hawaii and Alaska, obviously, plus what do you do for fun in Iowa?). He’s 43, but I think it’s doable.
I’m from Iowa! Go to the State Fair. It’s the only Iowa thing (and the only state fair) featured in the “1000 Places to See Before you Die” book.
Another Iowan here! Do you like any outdoor activites like boating, fishing, hiking, etc.? Northeast Iowa is great for all of those. I would rent a cabin on a lake and enjoy the life. If you’re a biker, a day or two of RAGBRAI would be a wonderful option. Second the option for the State Fair. If you stay in Des Moines, there are a ton of great restaurants. To be fair, highly recommend going during the summer or fall because a lot more is happening then.
Thank you, both! Sounds like the State Fair may be on our list!
I’m also from Iowa! What do you normally do for fun? Can probably make some recommendations because people do have fun there. And yes, the state fair is an experience that’s worth traveling for.
I’m surprised Iowa is one of your last states. I feel like everyone gets that state driving through on I-80. Or are you only counting states if you specifically plan a trip there?
It was State #43 for me. I never had reason to drive on I-80 until recently; my cross-country road trips involved cutting south long before Iowa.
Not the prior poster, but am also trying to visit all 50 states. I only count a state if I spend a night and do an activity there. Do people really count it as visiting the state if you drive through? You are not experiencing the state at all that way
Do you really care what personal metric people use for this?
My metric is an activity. If an overnight were required, then I’ve never been to Rhode Island, despite running a marathon there, visiting friends, and going to Newport.
Also trying to do the 50 states, though I’m WAY behind — like on #18 at age 39. But yeah like the person above to me it doesn’t count if I drive right through and don’t get out of the car or get out for something like a rest stop/gas station. To count it needs to involve some kind of activity there and preferably staying overnight, though overnight isn’t a “requirement” for me.
I “count” the state if I set foot there not in an airport. That said, there are only a couple of states that I have this way, and I want to revisit them more meaningfully. But yeah, I will tell people I’ve been to all 50 states when I’ve set foot in all 50 states outside an airport.
I am from Iowa and love it but don’t get back there too often. Is the Field of Dreams in or near Dyersville still open? If not, I’d go to Des Moines. Great restaurants, beautiful green space. Or you could go to a University of Iowa football game and wave at the Children’s Hospital. It’s a beautiful tradition.
Are you in to/involved in politics? If so, you could consider visiting Iowa to volunteer for one of the presidential candidate right before the 2020 caucus. That is how I visited I first visited Iowa in 2008, even though I grew up in Minnesota.
Ooh yes this is a good idea! I’m one of the Iowans who commented above and it is really cool how seriously Iowans take their first-in-the-country voting duties. Most Iowans want to meet as many candidates as possible and if they can’t meet the candidate they want to have an extensive conversation with a member of the candidate’s staff. Volunteering for a candidate there is a really fun experience and very different than political volunteering I’ve done in other places. Most of the Democrats will probably make an appearance at this year’s state fair, fwiw.
My bucket list is pretty much all travel, much of which is on hold until my kid is a bit older (Galapagos, Patagonia, Antarctica, safari). In the near term, we are celebrating our 10 year anniversary in a couple years and are planning to go to the Maldives.
Write a novel!
the northern lights were the only thing on mine until this year (finally saw them in March! only took 3 trips to Iceland :))
I used to have ‘become a judge” but now I suppose I’m adding “writing a novel”; I’ve taken off “run a marathon” because it doesn’t appeal to me anymore; now adding in travel in New Zealand, kayaking in jokulsarlon lagoon, having a child, would love to do some organic farming in hawaii someday…
Favorite / hated smartwatch / fitness band recs? I’m taking up couch to 5k, and do yoga and basic HIIT movements so don’t need super fancy features, although heart or sleep monitoring would likely be useful. Budget ~$200. Currently debating Samsung Galaxy Watch Active ($200 with discount, phone is Android) and Fitbit Inspire HR or Fitbit Charge 3, but reviews about step inaccuracies / sync nightmares / thickness complaints are giving me pause. TIA!
I have a Fitbit Charge 3, but only because I have been using the Fitbit app and My Fitness Pal for years for tracking. As a watch goes, I don’t love it. It is relatively accurate (more so than past models) with GPS and heartrate tracking, but the interface is super clunky. I wear an Apple Watch at the same time (other wrist) and like it way better. I would probably go with the Inspire or another “higher end” Fitbit if only getting one, so it’s more interactive.
I like the Inspire HR. It’s sleek, seems relatively accurate to me, is reasonably priced etc.
Wrist-based heartrate is pretty worthless in terms of accuracy (all of them, not just Fitbit).
dcrainmaker.com is the best source for reviews of all wearable tech.
love my apple watch so much more than any of my fitbits but that’s me…
Fairly new at a biglaw firm and decided to go on vacation next week as it seemed not much was going on in any of my cases. I told all the partners I work for I’d be out, no issues there. I don’t expect them to remember my schedule, but I keep getting assigned work due while I’m on vacation, that I can’t possibly get done before I leave. I’m sure they just forgot I’m out and don’t actually expect me to do these tasks on vacation, none of them are truly time sensitive (if they were I would completely understand). Not sure how to handle, saying “Actually can I get that to you in 2 weeks, I’m on vacation next week” feels too entitled
Oh sweetie no. You’re new at a biglaw firm. You can’t take vacation. They don’t care about your plans. You must get the work done before you leave or do it while you are away. This is the job.
What does “fairly new” mean? Because I’m inclined to agree with Anonymous that it is just not done to take a vacation when you are new to biglaw. And I feel like this problem just illustrates that you are not yet at a point where you can judge/know what is going to be a slow time.
Given that Big Law typically starts associates in late summer/early fall, she’s probably been there almost a year. That’s a fine time to take a vacation at most firms.
So a couple of things:
-They definitely will not remember your schedule. If you work closely with specific partners, when you tell them you’re going to be out ask them if they want you to put it on their calendars so they remember it. My key associates all put their vacations on my calendar.
-When they assign you work with a deadline during your vacation, you need to remind them right then that you’ll be away. Ask them “can I get to this after I’m back, or would you like to have someone else handle it?”
That said, is your firm one where people actually take vacation? At my firm, junior associates do (as you become more senior, it’s harder to truly check out of your matters for a week, but we do encourage people to do so if they can or at least to do only the bare minimum). At some biglaw and midlaw firms, “vacation” is a myth.
Yes, tell them that you’re on vacation. Do so immediately. Let them figure out when they actually need the work product.
Lol. This gets you fired.
…not at my firm. Not all biglaw firms are insane on this issue. You have to know what kind you’re at.
You’re in Atlanta.
Big Law exists outside of New York. No need to be snarky.
I’ve worked at AmLaw 50 firms in 3 markets, all of which had NYC offices. I also went to law school in NYC and most of my classmates remained there. I’m completely confident in the assertion that not all biglaw firms are like this.
You don’t tell them you can’t get to it, you ask. “I’m going to be on vacation next week. Is this urgent or I can do it when I get back?”
+1, this is exactly right. Gentle reminder of your plans, but emphasizes you understand the job will come first if needed. Because the biglaw job, sorry — if you’re told it needs to come first — comes first.
This. It’s biglaw – the job comes first. But in my case if an associate said, “you’ve asked for this by Wednesday, I’m planning to be on vacation next week, would it be ok to get it to you by COB the next Monday” – and it wasn’t actually time sensitive – my response would be of – “of course that’s ok- have an amazing trip.” If the associate simply said “Remember I’ll be on vacation next week” (thereby implying my work would not get done) this absolutely would not be acceptable and would be addressed. Also, I second cbackson. All of my associates tell me their vacation ahead of time, and I request they send me calendar invites for it. Time away from work is important – and can especially be so in big law – and some big law firms (mine included) do encourage associate vacations. That said the work has to get done and if you want your vacation accommodated you have to be proactive, in a respectful way, to make it happen. Even as a partner I put my vacation my more senior partner’s calendar. Again, echoing comments above though, the more senior you are the more the idea of a true vacation becomes a myth. A day here and there, yes. A full week with no work is just not realistic. Especially at big law.
If the assignments aren’t time sensitive can you just let the assigning attorney know you anticipate turning around the assignment by X date. If they have a problem or need it sooner, then I would bring up what else is on your plate and that you have a scheduled vacation and then you can figure out an appropriate deadline.
Although, let me add, you don’t get to determine if it’s time sensitive. If the partner thought it was time sensitive, it is. They’re your client.
How new? Like under a year? How senior are you? I’m wondering why a newbie who sounds like she wasn’t hired as counsel/partner is going on vacation immediately?
All of these comments remind me why I am counting down the days to my exit plan from BigLaw. OP, plenty of people, including junior associates, take vacation while in BigLaw, so don’t feel like you’re doing something absolutely forbidden. And if you happen to be at a firm where it is, make your exit plan now.
The only thing that matters here is that you communicate with the partner on time sensitivity of the assignments. If it is something that needs to be done quickly, I just end up staying up late the night before I leave to get everything out the door, so that you’re only just fielding clarification/clean-up comments from the partners while on vacation.
All this. (Except I already left biglaw, but suffered through it for about a decade.)
Absolutely, ask, don’t tell — “I had planned to be out of the office next week, can I get this to you after that?” But IRL sometimes you have to take your laptop with you and work while on vacation.
Boy, did I hate Big Law.
Any recommendations for a good restaurant within walking distance of the Hippodrome in Baltimore?
I like the B&O restaurant in the Monaco hotel. It’s about a 10 minute walk. Sadly, my go-to restaurant near the Hippodrome, Alewife, closed :(
Puerto 511 for delicious Peruvian food (ala carte on weekdays but pre-fixe menu on weekends) or Forno (across the street from the Hippodrome)
V. sad about Alewife as well. B&O is great, Forno is also good (across the street from Hipp, next to now closed Alewife). There’s also some restaurants up Charles Street from B&O (away from the harbor): Lumbini’s (Indian) is tasty, so is Thai Landing (although a bit casual). Sotto Sopra (fancier Italian) is also up Charles, a bit farther from Hipp but not terrible if you don’t mind walking an extra two blocks.
If you’d like fine dining in a gorgeous setting (an old bank) – the Alexander Brown Restaurant is about a 10 minute walk.
Forno is across the street and always highly recommended, but I’ve never been able to get in around showtime.
For some reason my last comment didn’t post… Forno is great.
B&O is good, so is Lumbini’s (Indian), Thai Landing, and Sotto Sopra on Charles St (away from Harbor).
Vent: PTO that is 100% combined (vacation/sick/personal) is so awful. I’m not going to cut into my precious few vacation days for minor colds, but I don’t want to get people sick unnecessarily. Why do employers insist on doing this with increasing frequency, especially when they allot you a stingy total amount? I might think differently if I had six weeks of PTO, but I have 15 days.
Because some people if given 5 sick days will always use all of them, and some will use none. You get the equivalent 10 vacation days and 5 sick days. You don’t need to take a sick day for a minor cold.
You realize that some people get sick more than others, right? Employers should measure your value by your performance, not on whether you used your sick days. That’s an asinine metric.
Plus if you’re using the sick day to stay home with a kid, you can probably get quite a bit of work done. Most kids just want to sleep or watch TV when they’re not feeling well. I might need to take an hour or two for a doctor’s appointment, but I have no trouble putting in a 6-7 hour work day when I’m home with my sick toddler.
Unfortunately, not everyone can work from home. Some jobs just aren’t conducive to it and some employers (mine) don’t allow us computer access to everything outside the office so we can’t work from home if we have to call off with a sick kid.
+1 my primary job responsibility involves being present in a courtroom. I wish the world would stop pretending all working moms have this easy work from home capacity.
* Not a dig at anyone in the above discussion, but a separate rant. Everyone in my kid’s life knows I’m a lawyer, then they get all confused when they call and I’m in court.
I know not everyone can work from home. My point was that if you can work well from home, it’s unfair to make you take a sick day and especially so if that “sick day” is one of just 15 PTO days you have all year.
Agree, it’s awful and encourages people to come to work sick. It’s also really tough on working parents. I missed more than 15 days for illness (hers and mine) my daughter’s first year in daycare.
Same. Add in the particular awfulness use or lose it and an employer that starts nagging you to use it in the summer and doesn’t like your, “but what if I get sick” response.
I’m in the same boat. We also have to draw from our personal PTO for holidays or if the office closes, as in for a weather emergency. I was sick earlier this spring and had to cancel a vacation. I won’t have a vacation for over a year now, probably closer to 2 years.
For holidays?! What’s the logic there? That’s insane. I mean, having to use PTO when your office is closed is also crazy, but I’ve heard of that before.
Agree, have a similar set up. It doesn’t make much sense, we all know what the office closure holidays will be, just subtract that from the total allotted days. It tricks a lot of people who see 25 days PTO, and don’t think to ask (because it’s illogical) if you have to use that for days you CAN’T work. It’s really 25 days minus 10 office closure days. That leaves 15 for vacation and sick days.
This makes me so thankful to not be American. I get a fairly standard 15 vacation, 15 medical, and 5 personal a year. Sometimes even then I find it a smidge tight especially with the personal, what happens when two people die in the same year?
This is unusually bad, even by American standards. Everywhere I ever worked (two law firms, Fortune 500 company) has had 15 days vacation plus a separate allotment of at least 10 sick days. I now work at a university and they pay us next to nothing, but the upside is I have 25 vacation days and unlimited sick leave, plus separate bereavement leave I can use if somebody dies. It’s amazing, especially with kids in daycare.
The company where I work (global, 80k employees) offers 10 days vacation and 6 days personal time for the first five years of service. That’s still only 16 days total for five years. You get bumped up to 15 days vacation at year 6 or when you hit a high enough band level.
i’m jealous. at my university, our sick days are lumped in with our PTO
I don’t totally hate the concept but my son’s daycare has this policy. So teachers come in sick and get the kids sick. Ugh.
My company is like this and it’s brutal. At least I can work from home frequently.
Has anyone done something like the following before and have any advice on what I should be aware of?
We’re moving, selling our house, and buying a new one. I have enough funds in a taxable but slated for retirement account for a down payment on the new place without having to sell the old one. I’m thinking of taking most of the money out of my taxable account, paying for the new house, then putting that amount “back” into the account after we sell our old one which might be anywhere 2-5 months later. To be clear, this is NOT my 401K. It’s a separate account I have for additional retirement savings.
Yes, people do this. I borrowed from my 401k to do this–no tax implications if you pay it back, which I did after we sold our prior house.
We did this as well, last year. Borrowed from 401k, moved, sold house, paid back 401k loan. My husband’s 401k company even charged us “interest” on the loan (at 6%) which we paid back to ourselves to make up for the gains we lost by not having the money in the market – you could do something similar. My $.02, it’s always better to borrow money from yourself vs. borrowing it from someone else. Bridge loans are pricey and not easy to come by these days.
I would look at the capital gains tax on that scenario.
I just did/am doing this now, but with different funding. I bought my new house with money in my regular savings account, because my house didn’t appraise for the bridge loan (but miraculously appraised for the sale price which was $10k higher – eye roll). I still have some money in savings which provides me with a cushion in case anything happens before my “old” house sells on Monday. I was very fortunate that I went under contract on the old house two days after I put it on the market. This left me with about a two week overlap between closing on the new one and closing on the old one. That said, I could have paid both mortgages for several months without any issues. I would not have felt comfortable doing it this way unless I had savings left as a buffer and could comfortably pay both mortgages. I will need the proceeds from the old house to do some of the projects that need to be done on the new house, however. Based on the market, I was confident that I could get enough money from the old house to pay for these projects, which allowed me to spend less on the new house.
This probably doesn’t answer your question, but maybe gives you a different perspective?
If you have to liquidate investments to take money out of the taxable account, you will need to deal with the capital gains impact of that (whether short term or long term).
If you are confident that your house will sell (i.e., in an especially hot market), I actually think you are better off borrowing the money from a 401k account and then paying it back to that account. Then you don’t have to pay capital gains on the amount liquidated from the taxable investment account
I genuinely did not know this was a thing I could do – borrow against the 401K (although if it’s only limited to the current employer one, there’s not a ton in there for me). I’ll do more research into this for sure!
Here’s our experience if it’s helpful:
Most funds will only allow you to do this if you are still an employee of the company that sponsored the 401k.
My husband’s 401k is with Merrill Lynch. They allowed us to borrow up to $50k or 1/2 of the amount in the account, whichever is less. We ended up borrowing $35k as that was all we felt we needed for the houses we were looking at, based on our ability to match with saved funds (and we were correct). We had $80k in equity in our existing home (based on appraised value; we sold under appraisal and we netted out closer to $65k at closing after commissions and other costs were paid). Loan fee was $800; they also charged us “interest” on the loan at 6% which we paid back to ourselves (this is to make up for loss of gains by not having the money in the market).
The kicker is, at least with Merrill, repayment of the loan started via payroll withholding 30 days after we took out the loan. The payments were not huge (you have 5 years to pay back a 401k loan) but we did have to account for that. Our old house took a bit longer to sell than we anticipated and our buyer wanted a longer closing, so the money was out of the account longer than we thought it would be. But it all worked out fine. We closed, got the settlement same day, paid back the 401k loan the next Monday. No problem.
Things were tight for awhile with the 401k loan repayments and carrying two mortgages, but we tightened our belts and funded everything out of household cash flow; we didn’t have to tap our savings at all.
I liked the 401k loan route because it left our emergency savings and other savings intact during the period we were buying the new house and selling the old. I had seen a few people empty out their savings accounts to put money down on a house before selling their old one – and then immediately have house repairs or an emergency and not have money to pay for those things because their savings had been sunk into the new house and the sale of their old house hadn’t closed. I wanted to avoid that scenario and the 401k loan let us do that. I think it’s worth taking a look at. Good luck!
One other option, if you have enough equity in your existing house (which it sounds like you do): You can take out a HELOC on your old house, use that to pay the down payment on the new property, and pay off the HELOC when you sell the old house. A local credit union would likely be the best option for this.
You will have to pay interest on the amount you draw from the HELOC during the period of time before you sell of the old house, but won’t have to deal with capital gains from the sale of your investments.
Shopping help please! I’m looking for a dress to wear to a “formal” wedding this summer. I’m size 16, short, an apple with big boobs. Need to wear a bra, don’t like my arms, can’t do more than 1.5″ heels. Halp!
Eshakti has a shocking amount of beautiful customizable formal dresses at a reasonable price. I’d look there and add sleeves/adjust the neckline as you need to. I wouldn’t adjust for height as that’s difficult to get right online, so would take the hem up at a tailor. Some of my faves:
Oh now you have me coveting this: https://www.eshakti.com/shop/Dresses/Ombre-star-print-georgette-sash-tie-dress-CL0062025
Some of my faves are below:
https://www.eshakti.com/shop/Dresses/Blouson-sleeve-guipure-lace-obi-belt-dress-CL0065925
https://www.eshakti.com/shop/Dresses/Floral-print-dupioni-and-cotton-knit-maxi-dress-CL0063162
https://www.eshakti.com/shop/Dresses/Plunge-rose-print-dupioni-dress-CL0059116
https://www.eshakti.com/shop/Dresses/Ruffle-chiffon-midi-wrap-dress-CL0066038
https://www.eshakti.com/shop/Dresses/Sash-tie-dupioni-surplice-maxi-dress-CL0060536
https://www.eshakti.com/shop/Dresses/Floral-embellished-lace-overlay-dupioni-dress-CL0067253
Q on the dupioni – is that a mistake if I’m flying, then driving, then staying in a hotel? Don’t want to be a wrinkled mess for the wedding.
This is my JAM! Will follow up with some links. What’s your budget?
https://www.dillards.com/p/adrianna-papell-beaded-inset-short-sleeve-crepe-sheath-gown/508837274
https://www.dillards.com/p/adrianna-papell-boat-neck-high-slit-waist-detail-crepe-mermaid-gown/509256789 (she has a LOT with elbow length sleeves)
https://www.macys.com/shop/product/xscape-floral-embroidered-lace-dress?ID=5298856&PseudoCat=my-wl-xx-xx.mylist_pdp [covet covet]
I’ll never not shill for this dress: https://www.macys.com/shop/product/lauren-ralph-lauren-shirred-jersey-gown?ID=7058320&PseudoCat=my-wl-xx-xx.mylist_pdp Easy to wear, packable, modest-ish while still being fancy and pretty. Did not cost a fortune to get it hemmed.
Budget is hopefully under $300 but the less the better unless it’s amazing and I can wear other places. Bride told me to “think tea length.”
ooh, same body and I just wore the below to a black tie optional wedding a few weeks ago. I loved the little slit in front and you can use a shawl over your arms.
https://shop.nordstrom.com/s/xscape-side-ruched-double-strap-crepe-gown/5254416
After my last dating relationship fizzed out (cause he isn’t actually looking for anything serious, despite the fact that he is 36), I’m just feeling so done with dating apps. I was on them last night, and everyone I matched with was someone visiting DC or working here for a short term assignment. I’m 35, and not having any success at all. I’m trying to brainstorm other ways to meet people – I’ve tried meetup groups, speed dating, asking friends if they have any single friends who they think would be a good match (few of them know any guys who are single, let alone ones who would be a good match). I feel like I only have another year or so to meet someone to have kids, which I want. I’m not very religious, but I wish I was just so I could go to church single groups.
Anyways, I’m looking for additional suggestions on where to meet people. I’m open to anything at this point.
Why are you ruling out guys who are working DC on a short term assignment? I mean you don’t have to ‘garden’ with them, but why not get a drink or go for dinner? I met my DH when I was on a 6 month placement in another city and then he moved to be with me once he got a job in my permanent location.
+1 from someone who met my DH during a 2 month summer internship in his city (although I was in school at the time, and was able to move when I finished, which I realize makes things easier).
I’m not ruling out guys who are working in DC on a short term assignment if they are actually interested in a relationship. But most of them end up saying something along the lines of “I’m just looking to have some s*x when here.”
Someone here recently was trying to introduce single guys she knew in NYC to another commenter. I think we need an official matchmaking service. Does anyone in DC have spare single guys for Dating?
This is a great idea, but why limit it to DC? We should have ground rules/conditions based on preferences:
1) Age
2) s-x (male/female/trans/other
3) religion
4) gardening before commitment? and if so, after how many dates?
5) other preferences
If you want, I can be the NYC Contact, tho I have not found anyone yet here willing to marry me.
Maybe find a non denominational church? And start volunteering? Pick up rock climbing, rec league sports, cycling, Habitat for Humanity house building, or another activity where there are a lot of men? I joined a rec league softball team this summer, it goes from 5-8 p.m. on Sunday nights for 8 weeks in the summer. I have no prior experience – literally none – and my coed team has been super nice. In the last two weeks, I’ve met 8 guys on my team, plus 2 subs, plus lots of guys on other teams joking around in the outfield/playing catcher (basically standing there). hadn’t met any of them before in the city (capital of this state) I’ve lived in for a year.
this is not what you asked, but if you know you want bio kids, then i would freeze eggs (or embryos if you are prepared to be an SMBC) soon. of course if you’re fine using donor eggs and/or adopting, then ignore this.
Please go see a fertility doctor. There is so little education around what the options are at different life stages and I’m really upset about that at the moment. You may very well be able to freeze eggs today but not be able to get pregnant in two years (meet someone tomorrow, date, get married (or just engaged) and boom–you’re 37). I’m 37 and freezing eggs is a no-go. If I want my biological children, I need to do IUI (which at my age and my fertility is expensive and risky) or IVF with donor sperm (or half IVF and freeze the embryos for later use). My appointment was entirely under my deductible and was $244 (consultation with an RE and ultrasound performed/read by RE on the spot). SO cheap for education and personalized discussion about what your body looks like today.
I started doing a lot of activities, with the idea that by expanding my network, I’d meet new friends which could either turn into relationships or new friends who know single people I don’t know. I chose things I already enjoy but challenged myself to sign up solo – did a bowling league and a dodgeball league with our city’s adult sport league, rowed with a co-ed crew team, took a drawing class, took a dance class, took a writing class. Not all at once, obviously, but it was a good way to expand my network when I started feeling like I knew all of the people under 40 in my small city. (Turns out I did not!)
Ugh. I hear you. The DC dating scene for women is ROUGH. I agree with all of the suggestions above, but also recommend NOT going off the dating apps. I online dated in DC for almost four years. Then, one day, saw my now husband who had just joined OKCupid – seriously, he online dated for about three months before we met. You don’t need to give them as much time as you have in the past – but keep your line in the water. :-)
I just learned that my salary will be reduced by about 25% in a month or two. I’m a government contractor on a task order that was recently re-bid, so it’s nothing I did wrong and there is also nothing I can do about it. I want to remain with this agency and this company.
What would you do to drastically reduce expenses? If that’s not too individual or vague. I do have the option of increasing my freelance work—I’m in a creative field—but I’m looking for radical ideas for reducing expenses. Can supply more information if that would help.
I would start looking for other work. The only way for me to cut my expenses 25% in this time frame would be to stop saving, and I can’t afford to do that.
Housing is most people’s biggest expense, but a hard one to change, especially on short notice. Where do you feel like there’s room in the budget? What things are you spending money on that you don’t absolutely need?
Thanks for quick reply! I am extravagant with groceries, and have a small remaining skin care and Nordstrom habit that I will continue to work on. Unfortunately, speaking of housing, I just financed solar panels and a kitchen remodel, and had to pay cash to replace an AC unit last week. This new position will enable savings of about $10/week on gas, LOL. I belong to two gyms, one for group training and one (the Y) for a pool (partial corporate reimbursement). Entertainment costs are very very low. Have stopped buying books. Bring breakfast and lunch every day. Thing is–I was overpaid before and the new salary is still not bad for my area. I want to do something radical to make me feel better about this change.
could you get a roommate or rent a room (or your whole place) on airbnb ?
could you pick up a bit of freelance work, teach at your gym in exchange for a free membership, start driving for uber/uber eats/etc?
Not where you live but see if you can sell your SRECs in a better market privately?
+1 Housing is a good place for you to bring in additional income and offset maintenance costs. This will take quite a bit of “research” and time interviewing potential candidates- but it is the most “radical” option to offset your paycut (aside from seeking additional work).
Cut your luxury spending down until you find a new point of equilibrium, that means your gym memberships and shopping habits. Resource links to follow.
Meal prepping & cheap eats:
https://www.budgetbytes.com/meal-prep-101-a-beginners-guide/
Finance tracking:
https://www.nytimes.com/2019/01/16/technology/personaltech/the-easy-and-free-way-to-make-a-budget-spreadsheet.html
https://www.youneedabudget.com
I mean, the housing expenses you can’t do much about, you are locked into those (unless you can cancel them – are the solar panels and kitchen remodel already delivered/started?).
On groceries – switch to your local basic grocer (Kroger, Aldi, Publix, Trader Joes) and stick to store brands and items from their meat and bread markets – you can switch to lower priced versions of your groceries and not experience a really noticeable decrease in quality. I saved $100 per week going this.
Skincare – Switch to TJMaxx and only shop sales (Sephora and Sokoglam are good for this). Choose the Y and go to their group classes. You don’t need that $200 a month crossfit membership.
I know this isn’t popular (working out is important!) but I would cut one gym. Can you work out at the Y? Run outside? And otherwise just work on cutting down food a bit (you can still eat well, but try to cut down on processed foods, mindless snacking, or unnecessary luxuries), skin care (make sure to use up what you have before buying more) and cutting down on shopping (maybe try Poshmark instead of Nordstrom, or go through your wardrobe and make sure you’re using it at full capacity).
Beyond fixed expenses (like mortgage & childcare) which are super hard to change from month to month- I would go through your credit card and see what you are spending $ on. I know I can get a little spendy at times and this helps me reign it in. Also, asking if I really need something *now* (or at all) or if it can wait, really helps me curb spending.
This is incredibly difficult without knowing anything about your life. I’m sure you can identify the luxury items in your budget that can be hacked, but be ruthless about your definition of “luxury”. You’ll be miserable cutting out too many of the small things that make life enjoyable (ex. a latte once a week is not going to kill your budget, don’t bother) but big unnecessary expenses that are mostly for convenience can be slashed – nails, professional hair salon, eating out randomly instead of just for special occasions, laundry pick up and delivery, etc. As someone else stated, the general advice is to primarily go for the big ticket items – housing, renegotiating big bills, food (i.e. switching to eating at home and going to local grocer instead of whole foods), travel.
Check out Mr. Money Mustache or Frugalwoods. You said you wanted radical ideas and those types of bloggers are what you need.
Will do–thanks!
Groceries are the most malleable category in the budget. Take a look at food blogger BudgetBytes.
Temporarily reduce or eliminate contributions to retirement, FSA, HSA etc.
Lower your housing cost: move, renegotiate your rent, get a roommate, list a spare room on AirBNB
Eliminate most ‘fun stuff’ – streaming subscriptions, eating out, cable, buying clothing unless absolutely necessary for work
Use down your stores of household paper and cleaning products, and pantry staples
Cook at home, eat less, and choose less expensive food
Look at all your monthly repeating bills and see if you can reduce or eliminate them: get a cheaper cellphone plan or go prepaid, look into cheaper internet or see if just using your mobile plan would work, go on a payment plan for utilities, keep your thermostat higher/lower, take quick showers and don’t waste water
Do things yourself (mowing, cleaning) rather than paying someone else
Hold off on maintenance costs for house and car unless necessary
Find free things to do for fun rather than buying stuff, going out to dinner, going to movies etc. [public library, parks, meetups]
Drive efficiently and bunch your errands to use less gas, and/or walk to some of your errands if possible
I think this is a mistake – I mean yeah you should reduce retirement contributions before you go into credit card debt, but you should cut as much as possible from your budget (and move to a cheaper living situation, if necessary) before you stop saving for retirement.
For drastic, bring in a room-mate. Temporary or perm. Or rent on AirBnB.
Travelling nurses need temporary lodging for 6-8-10 week contracts. Visiting scholars and PhD candidates may need summer housing in “your city” to do research. Medical students, residents and fellows often do “aways” during interview season (now until the New Year) where they work at a hospital for a month and need cheap lodging. Residents are the best because all they do is work and sleep. All of these people can be found. For med students/residents, post on studentdoctor dot net. For travelling nurses, I think that there is a Facebook group but craigslist might also work. For students and scholars, check university newspapers’ want ad sections. Ask friends. Post on FaceBook to your friends. Maybe someone has a niece who wants to be in “your city” for the summer and can pay $1000 per month but doesn’t want a sub-lease.
I am just replying to you bc/ you are the last (so far) respondent. I really appreciate everyone’s input, and hope it will be useful to others here as well.
Reading the replies shows me how much I’m already frugal in some ways (Aldi’s, combining errands, rock-bottom entertainment costs) and some things I just can’t do (running, renting, get rid of professional haircuts) but I DO appreciate the list’s taking the time to brainstorm. I will do some soul-searching!
You can buy discounted gift cards for lots of things. Check out Raise or Giftcard Granny. Wait until the site has a sale discount on top of the discounted price to purchase.
I know the Kitchenaid Dishwasher is the one you guys recc the most. Any specific models? We have a standard size space for it… our current dishwasher I want to smash to pieces office space style, I’m so annoyed with it and if I have to live with it much longer I may just go nuts!
This is the current model of mine, though mine does not have that nifty top drawer.
https://www.homedepot.com/p/KitchenAid-Top-Control-Dishwasher-in-Stainless-Steel-with-Dynamic-Wash-Arms-44-dBA-KDTM404ESS/206021125
We got this one about a month ago because it was literally the only kitchenaid model with front instead of top controls. So far so good: https://www.kitchenaid.com/major-appliances/dishwashers/front-controls/p.46-dba-dishwasher-with-prowash,-front-control.kdfe104hwh.html
How is a social media background check performed these days? I was never into that much (never posted pics…just had accts for browsing), as I am not quite a Millennial, but I am going to be looking for a new job soon and I am wondering what could be found. Will they know I posted here, for instance? Will they know all of my prior e-mails and what was associated with them, etc? I’m worried there is something I won’t remember that will be brought up…some site like this, some old deleted retweet from 10 years ago. I don’t know how I feel about going into people’s private conversations, groups, and settings to see what people have talked about…or whatever they do. I also don’t like that one random site has my political affiliation. How do I clean this up? I’m too old to worry about this now…
A social media check means looking at public social media profiles like Instagram, Facebook, Twitter. If they’re private or they don’t have objectionable content, you’re fine. Unless this job is with the FBI or CIA, they’re not hiring a detective to interview your friends and family. And how would they possibly know about your posts here?? It’s not linked to your name.
I’ve read and heard things about how they can get past privacy settings and such. I don’t know. I would deactivate everything before starting a job search, and maybe not activate again for months afterward…or ever…Not sure that is enough.
Ok, you do you. But there’s nothing on my social media profiles that would upset my employer and I don’t think I’d want to work somewhere that isn’t ok hiring a feminist liberal who likes wine, dogs, chocolate and traveling. From my experience, employers check your social media to make sure you’re not using the “n” word or venting publicly about your boss, both of which are terrible ideas for other reasons.
– Make sure your Facebook and instagram are on private mode (go into privacy settings to do this). If you have Twitter, it’s probably better if you name doesn’t appear.
– Also, go through them and delete anything inappropriate. This includes political advocacy, photos of you partying, and anything else that you wouldn’t feel comfortable sharing with a future employer – Google yourself and see what comes up
– I changed my name on Facebook (I’m First Middle, and don’t include my middle name in resumes so it’s unlikely anyone would find me)
– If you have Linkedin, make sure it’s reasonably up to date.
I have put an e-mail here before which may be linked to my name somehow, if it is linked to another account which has my name. Not sure how far this all goes.
Yeah, I’ve worked in HR and it’s not that intense. It’s literally a google search of your name.
That guy on Shark Tank scared me into thinking it was when I saw him on some interview. He was all worked up about it.