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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 188 Comments · by

Thursday’s TPS Report: Abella Poplin Peplum Blouse

The Personal Shopper (TPS)

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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Classiques Entier Abella Poplin Peplum BlouseI gotta say, I'm a bit surprised that the peplum trend is still going strong. Not only is it going strong, but I find myself liking it more and more every day. Take, for example, this pretty blouse from Classiques Entier… I like the crispness, the light blue color, and perhaps even a bit of the wit — taking such a staple from the boys' closet and making it so feminine. It's 40% off, too — was $148, now marked to $88.80 at the Nordstrom Clearance Sale (check out our other workwear picks from the sale!). Classiques Entier Abella Poplin Peplum Blouse Here's a plus-size non-iron blouse. Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. Psst: Surprise! The 75% off Kate Spade sale has been extended another day. Huzzah!      

Sales of note for 9.30.24

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

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Comments

  1. Mommy Monster

    Do you ladies have recommendations for a business card case for purses? Having discovered the need for one. I’d like to get something nice but not too pricy.

  2. adding machine

    Thanks to those who chimed in on whether or not I should go to the black tie charity event on Friday that I’m nearly positive my ex-husband and his parents will be at. (I filed for divorce at the end of August and we haven’t seen or spoken to each other since then.)

    I decided to go. I’m not letting someone who took so much from me in our marriage continue to do so. I’m sure I’ll still be super nervous. And lord knows what I’ll say if any of them approach me. Send your good vibes this way for Friday!

    • Shots. Shots. Shots.

      Ladies, this is the circumstance for which I was invented. You see them? Shot. They approach you? Sorry, busy, with shots. If used appropriately I can facilitate in a rom com an awesome hook up that leads to marriage to Dr. McDreamy. In real life I’m totes there for you and that hot cater-waiter.

      • Reix

        Seriously, adding machine: do not drink. Command of yourself is key here. Try guided meditation before the event, or having a script, or an affirmation, or whatever works for you. Just my 2 cents. Sending good vibes your way.

        • TCFKAG

          Agreed. Shots are best saved for AFTER the event when hanging with friends. But, you know, keep a list of shot worthy offenses.

          • Baconpancakes

            Eh, an ex from a brutal breakup showed up at a networking event, and the open bar was my friend. I ignored him so hard I actually ended up talking to a friend two feet away from him, the fourth glass of wine making me not care.

            But YMMV. If you know you’re the type to get more emotional, make a mental bingo game out of it, and drink later. If liquid courage would bolster your “I don’t give a flying f—” attitude, I’m with Shots.

      • Adding machine

        This totally made me laugh! Thanks!
        Don’t worry, guys, I’ll keep the alcohol in check.
        Right now I’m thinking my game plan is to just smile and wave if our eyes meet. Small talk only if we’re in such close proximity that not talking is more awkward. My sister even said she’d come pick me up if I want to bail earlier than my group does.

    • Anon

      I’m happy for you that you decided to go! I hope you have a great time. And maybe just one shot– not one every time you see him. Like someone mentioned the other day, you definitely don’t want to get sloppy.

    • LawyrChk

      Good for you. I am in a similar situation and went to a wedding where I knew we’d both be last month. Sending good vibes your way.

      What I’ll say is that I did let him know beforehand via text that I was planning to attend and that I expected him to be cordial but generally stay away from me. That part worked out fine enough.

    • adding machine

      And if anyone still has any advice for the evening or stories of how your first run in with your ex went I’ll take it!

      • Reix

        I know it sounds cheesy, and generally wacky… but have you ever tried using affirmations?

        Something like “I leave behind all the pain and fear from my marriage and welcome all the good things that will come to my life from now on. I am in perfect command of myself and will overcome this evening no matter what”.

        Or whatever makes sense for you.

        I do not generally use affirmations, but I believe they are a worthy tool for facing very specific situations. I used an affirmation before epidural anesthesia and the nurse praised me for being so calm. And I can’t even tell you how nervous the thought of the needle and the surgery had made me the days before the surgery.

        (Now I am going to hide for believing in magic words).

        • Idea

          Very helpful, thanks.
          The thing is… we all believe in the magic words inside our head. Thanks to some therapy, now the magic words believe in me, too!

      • Mpls

        I think one of the first events I ran into my ex post-breakup was at…speed-dating. I was happy to spend the mingling time talking to anyone but him. If he came into my group, that just happened to be the time I needed a new drink from somewhere else in the room. Which worked except for the part where we had to have forced conversation for 2 minutes…

        • Baconpancakes

          I’m waiting for the fateful day my most recent ex shows up on Tinder.

          • Brit

            I totally had that happen to me about two months ago and I had a small moment then promptly swiped left.

        • Senior Attorney

          OMG that sounds awful.

          One of the several good reasons I will never do online dating is that my former husband is on every. single. dating site.

          • Mpls

            It was about 5-6 months after we broke up and I was still in a very grouchy place with regards to the break up. I still see him at alumni events, in which case I have a reason to talk to everyone in the room except him (and the new girlfriend who gave me that uncomfortable realization that I was totally a Type and the Type was his mother).

            I also live down the street from him (You can pry my apartment out of my cold dead hands), but oddly, that has never been an issue.

          • Anon

            Oh you’re missing an opportunity to mess with him! And you can also block him from being able to see you if you prefer.

    • Aurora

      My in-laws have been doing this forever because they are early birds and it’s honestly a blast. They have their party from 6-9, with the idea that folks with kids can go home, and folks who want to go out can still politely leave for their second party. It started when they had little ones and couldn’t go out but people loved it so much they kept asking for a repeat performance. So now it’s a family tradition! I say go for it.

      Edit: sorry, this was for mmm below!

    • anon

      Knock ’em dead! (Not literally, of course.)

      Cbackson – you have have LinkedIn “block” or “hide” someone from suggestions a la Facebook. I’ve done that for a particularly vile ex-boss.

  3. mmm

    My husband and I are thinking of throwing a kid-friendly NYE bash, where we celebrate at like 8:00 with sparklers for the kiddos (who are old enough, obvi) and champagne for the adults. And then we figured people with actual parties to attend could go out afterwards. Does this sound fun? Or does it sound overwhelming with all of those kids everywhere? Is it something you would want to attend if you have young kids?

    • I'm Just Me

      We did this for years when our children were small. We served appetizers and let the kids run around, gathered everyone together for sparklers and sparkling apple juice at around 9 pm and then put on a sci-fi movies for the kids that were old enough/wanted to stay up late/sleeping over. It was tons of fun and something that I actually miss now that my kids are old enough (late teens to young adult) to have more exciting NYE plans than dh and I have.

    • roses

      I think it depends on how independent the kids are. When I was little, my parents would always throw a dinner party on NYE for their friends. The kids would go off and play together in the basement while the adults imbibed, we’d reluctantly get back together to celebrate new years, and then the kids would sulk when their parents declared it to be bedtime :) My brother and I always called it “our” party since we did all the planning of what games the kids would play. It was a blast for us, but I can see it being stressful if the kids needed a lot of supervision.

    • Cb

      I think this sounds like loads of fun. Our friends are pretty split between married in their thirties with toddlers and single mid-twenties PhD students so I’ve been experimenting with kid + adult friendly events. We’re doing a Sunday afternoon thanksgiving celebration with fizzy drinks for the kids, prosecco for adults, and pie all around and it may be chaos but I’m really looking forward to it.

    • Anonymous

      I think I’d love it but I wouldn’t want to leave at 9! Are the kids of an age where they can be put in a room to bed/watch a movie in pjs while adults continue the party?

      • mmm

        The kids will be generally under two, which will obviously add to the chaos. We’re early thirties, so all of our friends have just recently started having kids. Does that change whether it would be fun???

        • Anonymous

          Under 2?!? Yeah those kids can def be put in pjs and put to bed. I think it sounds like lots of fun!

        • Maddie Ross

          We did somethign similar last year, with children all under 18 months (so no sparklers obvi). It was a blast for the adults who wouldn’t otherwise have wanted to get sitters and go out. I can’t say that the children had any fun, being as young as they were at the time. But they all slept in P&Ps and generally behaved to allow the adults a few glasses of wine and some time with friends.

        • AG

          I *loved* these when my kids were that age. I recommend you try to have a place for moms to nurse, a place for parents to change diapers, and a baby/toddler safe zone with no low-hanging breakables/knicknacks that is preferably not too far from where the other adults can hang out and talk while keeping an eye on the small fry. Couples may have to trade off parenting duties vs. socializing. I was always grateful for the people who threw these, so that I had “plans” but didn’t have to find childcare or just stay home. I never expected fancy decorations or fancy food, but just the chance to be with people who didn’t mind if I had applesauce on my sparkly NY sweater was awesome.

          • mmm

            Also, on that note, I was thinking it might be fun for people to dress up a bit, but is that not true? I love to dress up but others might not. I guess I could just put the attire as festive and people could interpret it however they want.

            I’m also thinking of buying a photo sheet thingy that has a cityscape on it so we could take pictures of the babies in front of it with props like (paper) top hats, boas, etc., so they look fancy.

            Any other ideas welcome!

          • Mountain Girl

            My kids are in high school and I think the fancy baby photobooth is a great idea!

            We did these parties when I was a kid and they tons of fun. We didn’t do them when our kids were little because we had children all over the age spectrum in our group of friends so it didn’t make sense for us.

      • Lyssa

        I was thinking that, too. People with young kids probably aren’t going to be heading to a later party. I would invite anyone who wants to to stay and watch the ball drop, and try to set aside some space for young kids to have some more quiet time if they’re not staying up. But I think that it’s a great idea!

      • ml

        Do it, please. I would love if one of my friends did this. In fact, *I* might steal this idea. NYE babysitting is expensive and hard to coordinate, and I’m boring and have outgrown big nights out for NYE… but a houseparty where I can let my kids run around while I drink champagne and feel sociable without having to deal with drunk crowds sounds perfect.

        • Anon

          No kidding. We don’t even have kids yet, but now i’m thinking of throwing a kids-welcome early-start party because this sounds awesome.

    • Idea

      This sounds really fun. How old are the kids? I heard of one family here in our Eastern Time Zone city that, when the kids were wee and easier to fool, had a neighborhood party at 4 pm and watched, like, the London celebration on the internet. It’s midnight, kids, Happy New Year, Go to sleep!

      So the neighbors went home and put their kids to sleep and then ‘snuck’ back over to watch the ‘real’ same-time-zone-Ryan Seacrest celebration or whatever.

      You could also have a “sleepover” with the kids, still putting them to bed at 7 or 8 or whatever time.

      • NO

        I want to come!

        We went to a NYE party for kids when my 4 year old was a newbie – we counted down to noon. It was cute – sparklers and everything.

    • cbackson

      Ha, I would find this fun and I don’t have kids. I HATE the idea that NYE has to be a big deal.

    • lucy stone

      We did this with friends who have kids a few years ago and it was great. Everyone came over, we had a steak feast, had midnight at 9:00, and then they went home.

  4. Leenie

    So, I’m interviewing with a small law firm in DC next week, which I’m very excited about. The problem is that rehabbing my knee after reconstructive surgery (which the firm knows about). I’ll either be using one crutch or a cane depending on how my next PT session goes. My question is: what do I do for shoes? My go-to professional pumps are out of the question. To date, I’ve been wearing relatively conservative sneakers everywhere, including court. Is that an absolute no-no for an interview, or does the crutch give me enough of an excuse to get away with sneakers? My alternative would be professional flats, which don’t have as much support. I’m trying to balance making the best impression with being sensible about my recovery. Thanks in advance for any advice!

    • Giving Notice

      I think the crutch gives you a pass on the footwear. Honestly, I’d answer differently if you were still recovering but done with the crutch, so I think I’m pretty uptight about these things!

    • Lefty lawyer

      I think the crutch gives you a pass on the footwear. Honestly, I’d answer differently if you were still recovering but done with the crutch, so I think I’m pretty uptight about these things!

    • Diana Barry

      Do you have a pants suit that will fit over your knee brace/case (if you have one)? If so, then YES wear the sneakers, and I would make a show of the crutch/cane more than you need to, if necessary, but I think it is fine to wear the sneakers.

      • Idea

        You can go to DSW and get “fashion” sneakers that are black. But really, with a crutch or cane — no one will be looking at your footwear! Where does one get a stylish cane these days? ;)

        Are you anxious about discrimination against disabilities? This is something that hasn’t been discussed here much. You could make a point to talk about getting back to exercising, or something?

    • Wildkitten

      I think a crutch signals temporary which will give you more cover since I assume you aren’t as pulled-together with your current injury than you would be if you had a permanent cane and had figured out how to operate with a disability. (I think a person with a permanent disability would, for example, already know what shoes work for her needs.) And I think sneakers are fine given your situation, but could you put on flats for the interview and switch back right after, if that would make you more confident and still keep you safe?

      • Leenie

        Thanks everyone for the feedback! My impulse is that it’s safest to wear sneakers. Under normal circumstances, I’d wear heels. I guess I’ll bring flats in case I feel too out of place/unprofessional. Employment discrimination is a big part of their practice, so hopefully I don’t have to worry about that…

  5. Giving Notice

    Y’all, I’m giving notice from my biglaw job today, and while I know it is the right move (and I have a new position lined up that I am excited about!), I feel like I am going to throw up! The first partner I want to let know is in meetings until at least 12:30 and I cannot focus on ANYTHING right now! Guess I’m just venting, and need to remember to breathe.

    • Unicorn

      Yay, congratulations! Just keep telling yourself “I’m doing what’s best for me!” Remember to you it is a life changing event but to your firm it is just a business transaction.

    • TXLawyer

      Congratulations on the new position! I don’t have any advice, other than that it will be behind you very soon!

    • Anon

      Congrats on the new position! I was in your shoes a few weeks ago and felt SO nervous until I actually spoke to a partner and gave my notice. You will feel better after. You may also have times where you feel like you’re making a mistake (leaving the security of the known, great coworkers, etc.), I know I did, but trust that you’re making the right decision. Good luck!

      • A Clark

        Congrats! Similar position recently and I decided to practice on a few mentor-type partners first just so I was used to giving notice in a supportive setting before going to the department head who reacted in the way that prompted me to look for a new job in the first place.

    • Meg

      I was in your shoes a week and a half ago – leaving the government rather than big law – but same idea. I was more nervous about telling my boss than I am about starting the new job. Remember, what’s the worst case here – they tell you to leave. That’s what you want to do anyway. Once you get the words out you will feel so much better!

      • Giving Notice

        Thanks everyone! It went well, even resulting in a celebratory lunch =)

  6. Anonymous

    I have a coworker who is very loud. Literally everything he does is loud. He drags his feet on the floor, he whistles and sings to himself at a not inconsiderable volume, makes frequent personal phone calls at a yell, blows his nose and coughs way louder than anyone else (and coughed on me this morning- this happens year round). he also likes to drum on his desk.

    Just venting for now, but this is infuriating sometimes.

    • Shots. Shots. Shots.

      This is also my game. Since I don’t wanna get you fired from work (hey Brad Paisley what’s up), might I suggest shots of iced tea? Symbolically taking a shot every time he’s loud might help lower your anger level.

    • anon o

      I have two loud coworkers also, and headphones sort of help. Working from home helps too. I’ve asked them to tone it down and I think they are genuinely trying but it’s not really great.

      • Anonymous

        I wear earplugs all the time. it doesn’t really help.

        how did you ask them to tone it down? I’m trying to find a way that doesn’t sound bad

  7. Tazdevil

    I generally wear slacks with flats to work, and now that the weather is getting chilly, I am looking to buy sheer flesh toned knee highs. Does anyone have a suggestion for a budget friendly, durable brand?

    • Cat

      I just get a box-full from the drugstore every 6 months or so – guessing they’re Leggs or Hanes brand. As with hose, they get scuffed up over time regardless of quality, so I have no guilt about tossing a pair that’s gotten pilly looking.

    • MJ

      I also do drugstore knee-highs. If you want knee-high trouser socks (a little more heft, definitely durable), check out the ones at one hanes place dot com. They have some fun patterns and whatnot. Hanes also has knee-highs too, from Silk Reflections, but I have found them only marginally better wearing over time, so I just wear drugstore ones and toss them, typically.

  8. Anonymous

    What’s everyone ordering from the Sephora sale?!? I’m mostly just stocking up on shampoo/conditioner

    • kellyandthen

      Sadly nothing right now, as the site is flooded! Is the sale in store, too? There’s a very conveniently-located Sephora right near my house…might just stop in after work today for some more NARS tinted moisturizer and new blush.

    • Diana Barry

      I just bought my fancy retinol moisturizer last week so I haven’t opened it yet, so I am taking it back and getting another one on sale, then getting an extra moisturizer, then an Xmas gift for my college roommate, and maybe a new eyeshadow stick for myself.

    • Calico

      I never heard anything from Sephora about the sale. Dang it! Such a good time to restock when they do this.

      • Monday

        If you haven’t heard about the sale, it means you’re not eligible anyway (good news and bad news, I suppose). It’s just for VIB members, who have spent more than $N in the preceding year to qualify for that status. I remember wishing I could take part…then becoming a VIB and not being sure I should be proud of that…and now here I am eligible for the sale for the first year, and pretty determined not to get anything because I don’t need anything.

        Add in the fact that they’ve set it up so you can’t give away the discount to a non-VIB, and it’s a marketing strategy that is just on the tipping edge of spurring and deterring me as a Sephora shopper. I know they’ve tweaked it over the years too; I think they’re calibrating the deal very carefully.

        • Calico

          Yeah, that’s frustrating. I am VIB this year due to buying & doing my own wedding makeup. (Boy did that add up!) So I’d at least like to take advantage of it this one time. I’ve emailed them. Grrrr.

          • Anonymous

            Did you search your email? I didn’t get anything today. I got a “save the date” several days ago that I completely ignored.

        • Gail the Goldfish

          They do have a code you can send to one friend who is not a VIB, however.

          • Monday

            OK, I do see that now. If used in store, the person has to be accompanied by a VIB, but apparently no restrictions online.

            Here’s mine, have at it. It’s one use only for any non-VIB.

            VPM3P69KM6HF

    • Anonymous

      Thanks for the reminder! I’m sad that the website is currently down.

      Does anyone have any gift recommendations? I need to get some stocking stuffers for mom, a Christmas gift for a lawyer friend, and a small Christmas gift for my boyfriend’s sister (mid-20s) who I don’t know very well but I know she loves makeup and nail polish.

      • Baconpancakes

        Seconding. My book club is doing a white elephant, but the women in it aren’t really gag gift kind of women.

        ETA: This is totally outing me to anyone at my company. Oh well.

      • lucy stone

        I ordered during the VIBRouge pre-sale a few weeks ago (Bad Lucy Stone!) and got an awesome Benefit blush tin. It looks like a gingerbread house and has all their blushes in it. I’m planning on getting a few more during this sale for gifts.

      • Gail the Goldfish

        If they are doing one of the mini Sugar lip balms (I forget what they actually call them-lip treatments?), I think those are awesome and usually more than I would spend on myself for what is essentially nice chapstick/tinted lip balm. I would check and see what they have, but it appears that we have collectively crashed the sephora website, which is currently telling me its servers are overloaded.

      • Calico

        Yes, if you don’t feel comfortable choosing makeup for someone then I highly recommend the L’Occitane almond shower oil. It’s decadent, moisturizing, smells wonderful and you can shave with it.

    • HSAL

      I had a lot of stuff that came due, so perfect timing for me. I’m getting some Korres moisturizer, philosophy Help Me retinol, the Origins charcoal mask, and maybe some new 24/7 eyeliners.

    • TO Lawyer

      I usually use the sale to try out the new sets that are out for Christmas but surprisingly this year, I’m not really into any of the makeup sets. I’m just going to replace a few things and try a new moisturizer I think (I’m becomg a skincare addict)

  9. Mavis Beacon

    My coworker who sits in the cubicle next to me types so loudly he sounds like a toddler banging on the keyboard. EVERY. SINGLE. KEYSTROKE.

    Aside from wearing headphones 8+ hours a day, any ways to help rectify this situation?

  10. NO (Wedding attire question)

    I am going to a wedding in 2 weeks – it is at 6pm, in the South – planning on wearing a navy dress. What shoes should I wear with navy? Gold pumps? Fuschia shoes? Do I need to wear hose? I am pretty pale….could spray tan before going. I bought some fantastic Kate Spade shoes from Zappos (link following) – would they be ok?

    • YouSaucyMinx

      I think gold, nude, silver, or grey heels would look great with a navy dress.

      For the hose question–how traditional/conservative of an event is it?

      If you haven’t tried it yet, try out Sally Hensen Airbrush Legs lotion (the lotion, not the spray)-it adds great coverage and a hint of color for pale legs.

  12. Carly

    Any tips for getting your head back in the game at the office when you are seriously burned out? I’m on one really stressful case, which leaves me neglecting my other, normal cases, but it’s not like overall I’m working 18 hours a day or anything (I usually bill like 10-12, and then like 3-4 hours over a weekend). I have definitely not taken enough vacation this year, but can’t really do so between now and January. So I guess just looking for ideas for getting myself to power through the next 2 months when all I really want to do is leave early and take my weekends off! Thanks ladies.

    • nutella

      Plan a trip for when you can in January? There are so many studies that show that the planning and anticipating of a vacation contribute to your happiness and feeling of being reset. Spend a small chunk of time after a long day looking at photos of where you want to go and planning one small piece at a time.

    • N.C. anon

      Can you give yourself a day off to recharge? Either combine your weekend hours into one day, or work from home one weekend day?

    • Coach Laura

      Carly – how about a spa day or spa weekend? Alone or with girlfriends (or even a guy who likes massages). Leave early Friday, meet friends for drinks/dinner. Saturday schedule massage, facial, mani/pedi. Find a spa with a soaking tub or spa tub to relax before hand or take a yoga class. Have take-out gourmet food delivered for dinner. More champagne. Sleep late. Try not to work Sunday if possible. Spa can be local to you or a short drive away from home.

      That reminds me…I have a massage certificate that I want to use.

    • MJ

      Nearly the whole site is on sale…you shouldn’t need one. They don’t stack coupons very well, in my experience.

  14. Firm photos

    We have firm photos coming up and we are having both headshots and full length (sob) photos done. Can anyone point me to a firm website with full length photos so I can look at what works and doesn’t work? What a nightmare.

    • Diana Barry

      In BOS Choate does the full body ones. My firm also did them. Hate with a fiery passion. Make sure your shoes are not trendy – the shoes show up kind of a lot in the pictures and I notice the ones that stick out.

    • Anon

      This is horrible. I am sorry you have to endure this. I can totally understand wanting to put a face to a name, but wanting to put a whole body to a name seems sort of creepy and unnecessary.

  15. Anonymous

    I have a question for divorced ladies- I’m getting married soon and I’m happy about it, but presumably all of you felt that way at some point too. What advice would you have for someone at my stage? What do you wish you had known before you got married about how to tell if you were marrying the right person and all that? Looking back, do you think you could have known before hand that it wasn’t a good match or that it would probably end badly?

    • Anon

      Not divorced myself (newly married actually!) but are you having any specific doubts now? If so, communicating them to your fiance(e) will likely be helpful and seeing how she/he responds should help you figure out how you’ll handle the future. In my limited experience of being in my relationship and seeing the relationships of my close friends and parents, I’ve found that open communication, especially about the hard stuff, is key.

      • Anonymous

        Oh I’m not having doubts at all. I think it’s a very wonderful, healthy relationship. My parents had a nasty divorce when I was very young, and my mom has a very dysfunctional marriage now, and my dad has never dated again because he just doesn’t feel up to it. I’ve never really seen these things work out, and I look at all these people I know who have been through nasty divorces and think- well at some point they were like me and felt that their relationship was happy, healthy and loving. So I’m wondering if anyone has anything to say about that.

        • greenie

          from someone with the same parental situation (never had a “healthy relationship” to model mine after) and who was very close to divorce, I think the best thing to do is to be sure you both communicate. IF you’re feeling negative about something do you speak up? does he listen? and vice versa? Sure there are no major struggles now, but there are bound to be in a relationship… have you discussed how you will handle this? I think those are the most important elements- ability to communicate and desire to fix whatever is wrong no matter what/ how long it takes. I don’t think it can work without either of these.

        • Senior Attorney

          I’m not sure they all did feel like you feel. I have been divorced twice and both times I knew, deep down, that I was making a mistake marrying these guys. I agree with Baconpancakes below that Dr. Gottman and his research are really spot-on. Just keep being kind to one another and you should be fine!

          • Senior Attorney

            Heh. The first time I saw a story about him on TV, and his “four horsemen of the apocalpyse” (criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling), and how he could predict divorce with uncanny accuracy, I knew that according to his research my marriage was doomed. I hung on for several years after that, determined to prove him wrong.

            The day I left, I had this vision of Dr. Gottman up there in his “love lab” in Seattle, laughing maniacally and cackling “you can’t fight the data!” LOL

        • quailison

          My parents also divorced when I was young (though it wasn’t too nasty, compared to some I’ve seen) and one thing that helped me a lot as I prepared for my marriage was the book “The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce” by Judith Wallerstein. It really helped me see the ways that I saw conflict differently than my husband, whose parents are still married. (One of the points of the book – to your post – is that children of divorce are always waiting for the other shoe to drop, while their partners with married parents have no idea about any shoes.) We talked a LOT about the ways we saw our families working and what we wanted to continue and what we didn’t want to continue, sparked by this book.

          • Anonymous (OP)

            I will read that, thanks for the suggestion. I never thought about it that way, but the point about me waiting for the other shoe to drop in my relationship is absolutely true. I kind of feel better that this might be a product of my childhood (and one that I can therefore overcome) as opposed to me just being a bad person. Thanks for this!

    • Anonymous

      I’ve found that generally marriage is a statement of faith- at the end of the day you have no way of knowing what life will bring but you believe anyway. There’s no neverdivorce insurance.

      • Gail the Goldfish

        Of course this made wonder if there was such a thing as divorce insurance. Google informs me there is. Not sure what I think about that one.

        • Mpls

          Huh. What’s the actuarial math on that? How do they assess the risk for the divorce and determine the premium? I am very curious now.

    • Anon

      For me, I had a gnawing feeling in the back of my head that I wasn’t doing the right thing and this wasn’t the right person. My ex was (and is!) a great person – very kind, generous, friendly, smart… all the things you would think you would want, which is why I stayed in it as long as I did. But in the months leading up to the wedding, I felt trapped and like I was living a lie. I went through with the wedding anyway, thinking it was just nerves and cold feet, but after the wedding, it became crystal clear that I just wasn’t attracted to him and nothing was going to change that. We got divorced a year later.

      • Type A

        Interesting you say this. A few friends are divorced and they all said that it didn’t feel right, but the money was spent, and the invitations were sent. They felt like there was no way out, so they went ahead and did it. These marriages did not last long.

      • Anonymous

        This happened to my aunt. She always said that if someone, anyone, had said to her at some point during the process “you know, you don’t have to go through with this wedding if it’s not right” she would’ve cancelled the wedding in a heartbeat.

        It can be very challenging to leave someone who is “wrong for you” but a perfect human being.

        When my close friends have gotten married, I have basically said very diplomatically said something along the lines of “I think your future spouse is great, they seem to make you happy, but if you’re feeling that they are perfect but not perfect for you, let’s talk about it.”

        I just got married and realized the somewhat crushing social/financial pressure you are under once you’ve planned a traditional wedding. I’ve told many of my friends considering getting engaged to consider their engagement their actual marriage – while you are not legally bound to each other; dealing with a broken engagement can be a logistical/financial/social nightmare. It dramatically increases the barrier to breaking up, which I think many people don’t think about.

    • AIMS

      I’m not divorced but I have two close friends both going through divorces now so I’ll bite. One friend I think you could see the divorce coming from a mile away. Like, I (and everyone else) had doubts at the wedding. They were terribly wrong for each other but had great chemistry which I think clouded both their judgments. Also, I think they both just wanted to be married, but they didn’t really think it through beyond the superficial qualities they wanted in a partner. Before they even got married, they broke up at least twice.

      The other friend’s split is, and was, a total shock to everyone. I still can’t quite wrap my head around it. But I think what happened there is three fold: 1) he didn’t love her the way that she needed to be loved, 2) in the course of that, she ended up losing a lot of respect for him and 3) all throughout they couldn’t communicate what they really needed from each other. And, of course, the whole thing was made worse by the fact that they had a lot of family friction on both sides as neither one’s family entirely approved of/understood the match.

      There was a Malcolm Gladwell article a while back that talks about this: he basically writes that you can predict divorce by how often spouses roll their eyes at the other. Obviously that’s rather simplistic but I think there’s something to it. There was an article on happy relationships that got posted here a bunch and I think it basically had the same idea – one of the examples it used was one spouse who was really into birds pointing out some crested cardinal to the spouse who didn’t give a cr*p about birds and how that sort of interaction and it’s response is key to whether a marriage succeeds. The point was that the spouse who cared about birds just wanted to be acknowledged so it was important for the other spouse not to just be like, “yeah, whatever” but to make that person feel heard in some way.

      I think a lot of people focus on the love part of marriage but neglect the marriage part of it. Ultimately, I don’t think being madly in love is enough to sustain a long term relationship. It’s important, but it’s not enough if you don’t know how to communicate, how to make your partner feel valued, if your partner doesn’t make you feel valued, and if you don’t know how fight. I think fighting well is supremely important. Most people though focus on just not fighting.

    • cbackson

      I think about this a lot. Sometimes I’m positive that I should have seen it coming and we never should have gotten married. Other times I think that we had a shot at a marriage that could have been something good. It’s so, so hard to know. I tell people a story sometimes: on my wedding day, I was convinced that no couple that was as purely happy and in love as we were at that point could possibly get divorced. I was sure that anyone who was divorced could never have been as happy as we were.

      Obviously, that was wrong.

      With a lot of reflection, to me, it wasn’t about warning signs prior to the marriage. What doomed us, I think, was a combination of his highly overbearing personality and my loss of self after marriage. Some people are prone (as I am) to shaping themselves to fit the needs of others. Some of that is essential in marriage, but I gave too much of myself away – and he was too willing to accept (and even encourage) the erosion of my independent self, because of his own nature.

      Add to that my isolation (we moved 3,000 miles away after our marriage, to a city where he knew a lot of people and I knew no one), age difference (he was significantly older and more establish in his career than I was), significant income and prestige disparity (he was a director in a private equity firm, I was a newbie biglawyer) and you had a situation that further reinforced an already-unhealthy power imbalance in the marriage. If we’d stayed somewhere that I had a support system of people who loved me as I was (not as he wanted me to be), I might have hung on to my self-confidence, my self-respect, and just my *self*. And that would have kept his own dominant personality more in check. We would have been more equal. And I think we could have grown together into something wonderful.

  16. Sick and busy

    Hi guys, need some advice on this. For about 6 months I have been struggling with bad stomach pain. I have gone to my family physician and she prescribed me some things that ended up maybe helping a little but not fixing the problem. I am now getting a series of tests done to try and determine what the cause is. While I am having the tests done I have to stay off all medications so as to not interfere with the tests. It is making my pain even worse. To get to the point, I’m not looking for medical advice (thanks though!) but job advice – I have been really struggling with my pain but I can’t take time from work. I work at a law firm and I don’t have “sick days” or “vacation days” and I am really busy lately and haven’t had a weekend off in months. Sometimes I get lucky and do 10 hours of work on a Saturday and then I can take Sunday off. I have been turning down work left right and center. I haven’t told anyone because it might end up not being serious, and I don’t want this to turn into the story where the associate made a big deal about how sick she was and turns out she just has X. But it is so frustrating being in pain and having to keep working, and there are signs to anyone I am suffering (not like a flu, for example). I am kind of worried if I tell a partner I need time off because I am “sick” and “I’m not sure what’s wrong” that they are going to think I am trying to take stress leave or something like that and that I can’t hack my job. The testing and results won’t be done until January. Thoughts?

    • ml

      I’m not sure how it works without a diagnosis but this seems like the sort of thing that you should be able to take FMLA leave for. Whatever the root cause is, the symptoms are debilitating. If you cannot do your work because of a medical issue, you need to let your management know in order to 1. take care of your health and 2. protect yourself/your job from people thinking you’re just slacking off.

      • Mpls

        Just FYI, if its a small enough firm, FMLA might not apply.

        ETA: Though, if you are in Canada, this is a moot point. But for anyone else in the US reading…

    • Bewitched

      I’m missing something…you are worried about telling them about your illness because it might not be something serious? It is serious now though. You are sick and you cannot take your pain medication and you don’t feel well. That’s pretty serious. It’s not a throat tickle. I’d tet my doctor on board to limit my hours or let me leave work early. Then you can say something like: I’m having some medical issues and they are doing testing, but in the meantime, I am in quite a bit of pain and therefore I may need to leave early. I also need your help in limiting my workload temporarily as there are some days on the weekend when I don’t feel well enough to work. The testing should be complete in January and then I can fill you in on whether I have any further medical limitations or not. It’s really no different than feeling nausea from chemotherapy-would you try to work through that? No! The fact that you don’t know what’s making you feel sick doesn’t mean that you don’t feel well and you can’t continue to work at your current pace. It’s a short term situation and you need to let people know so that you can take care of yourself. Best of luck.

      • Anon

        Please. Not to be alarmist, but a former colleague had a similar issue (severe stomach problems for months) and it turned out to be something quite serious, and as it turns out, deadly. I miss her and I wonder whether the outcome would have been the same if they’d caught it earlier (likely, yes, but you never know…).

        Priority #1 is you. Work can deal.

          • Marilla

            Can you take short term sickness leave? January is not really so far away – a 3 month leave might be appropriate. Check your contract (or collective agreement if you’re unionized, although I assume you’re not). And check your supplementary health insurance benefits plan.

          • Leah

            If crohns/colitis etc is on the table it might help to read the crohns forum – google and it should be the top link. They have a section for people are are not diagnosed yet, and quite a few Canadians participate. There are ways around the slow health care we have though – in Alberta you can pay for private MRIs and Barrium tests – sometimes it’s worth the money.

  17. lawyer feeling suicidal - update

    Hi everyone,

    Just wanted to update. Firstly, THANK YOU for all the advice and help. I met with my therapist and we are trying new meds pretty much immediately. I emailed a friend who was amazing and we are checking in with each other. I basically had a slight meltdown at work but then told a partner whom I trust. I’m speaking to my main partner today to explain that I’ve not been coping and why.

    I’m also (quietly) looking for another job asap. I don’t know if anyone can recommend a good recruiter for lawyers leaving biglaw in NY?

    Thanks

  18. Bonnie

    I can’t decide if I like this shirt. One the one hand, it would look nice with slim pants but, on the other, it makes me think of pirates.

  19. Anon

    I’ll post this on the Moms page too but hoping someone here has experience with this:

    I’m expecting twins and we’re thinking of getting a small recliner that rocks rather than a traditional glider for the nursery. Do you think this is a good idea? I’m just thinking that it might work better than a glider because it would have much larger arm rests and more room in general. Then we can re-purpose it after babies are bigger in the family room.

    • (former) preg 3L

      Get the recliner. I am so disappointed with our (Dutalier) glider and I am so much more comfortable in a regular armchair where I can actually relax. My baby isn’t soothed just by rocking in the glider anyway. If she’s calm enough for me to sit down with her, we don’t need to rock.

    • rocker regret

      Good idea. Look outside of “nursery” furniture. I bought an expensive upholstered rocker from a baby furniture store. It was cute, but really too small for me (I’m tall.) Also, definitely choose something that will work in another room – mine was pastel, so once my kids got older I donated it.

    • hoola hoopa

      I fully support the rocking recliner. I never found gliders comfortable for nursing or sitting in general. A recliner is more comfortable for nursing IMO and perfect for when baby was sick and wanted to be held all night but we wanted to be able to recline a bit and snooze too. It’s better in every way.

      FWIW, we also liked having a loveseat or couch. Takes up more floor space, obviously, but it fits two adults for book reading and doubles as a bed on a rough night.

      • Diana Barry

        +1. Our PB one never worked right – I really loved the rocker (JFK style, wood) we got at a yard sale for $90.

    • MegB

      I had twins and never used either a glider or a rocker when I nursed them although I had used one all the time with my first. The only place I could nurse twins at the same time was the couch, I couldn’t even do it in bed. Even when I was nursing one and giving the other a bottle at the same time. That said, twins are hard to nurse. I managed 6 weeks, hating every minute and feeling like I was failing by not loving it, and that was it. Don’t, I repeat don’t beat yourself up if you can’t make it work. I hope that’s at least a little bit helpful.

      • MU JD

        +1000 to this. I pumped for 8 weeks with formula supplementation and was absolutely exhausted. My twins are now teenagers and doing just fine. As for the glider/recliner question – try them both and see which one you prefer. If you like the recliner better, than go with it. And I second the recommendation above to look beyond the baby furniture stores.

        Good luck!

    • Saguaro

      Buy a recliner. I did, and it was very comfortable to recline so I could sleep a bit while feeding or just holding the baby. I bought a neutral colored one and now use it in my bedroom. I would have had no use for a glider after the baby was no longer a baby, so it seems a waste of money for me.

  20. Type A

    You will be spending a lot of time in that chair. Buy what is most comfortable.

    • sweetknee

      We bought a great rocker recliner for my daughter’s room when she was born. It was a mauvey tweed color. I spent MANY MANY nights in that chair. It was a wing back and that gave me a perfect spot to rest my head while nursing and rocking. I would not have had it any other way. In fact, that is one piece of advice I have given all of my pregnant friends.

  21. Awful Lawful

    Ugh. I found out today that one of my legal assistants is being laid off tomorrow. This is a financial decision, not because she is doing a bad job. I was asked whether I would want to sit in on the conversation with her or if I just want management to handle it. On one hand, I would kind of like to remove myself from the meeting because I truly didn’t have anything to do with decision, but on the other hand, I think she might find it comforting to have me there to reassure her that it has nothing to do with her performance. Any thoughts on what I should do? Also, any suggestions about things I could say or do that might be comforting to her? I obviously will write her a great reference.

    • Maizie

      The great reference is a great beginning! Here are some other ideas. You might want to repost on another thread, closer to the beginning. (Apologies if you’ve done this! I’m catching up late on today’s postings.)
      Work your network to see which other firms are hiring, and share this information with your assistant. Brainstorm with her for out-of-the-box ideas about potential employers. (Can legal assistants go “in house” the way that lawyers can?)
      Stay in touch with her during her job search.
      Take her to lunch on or before her last day. (Do this after her last day if your firm insists that her last day is the same day she’s told about being laid off.)
      Get her a gift certificate for some sessions with a top-notch career counselor, or pay her next year’s dues in an appropriate professional organization. Or get her a gift certificate to a source of professional briefcases, purses, or portfolios she can take on interviews. If she’s been with your firm for a while, her business accessories may not be so shiny new.
      Advise her about qualifying for unemployment. Stand up for her if anyone in management makes noises about contesting her unemployment claims.
      Finally, if this layoff resulted from a decision to preserve salaries or bonuses for other folks at higher levels…vow not to do the same thing if/when you become management yourself.

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