ByElizabeth Hours Updated
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Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Clinton Wool & Silk Ankle Pants

Curry wool-silk elevated pants

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

Happy fall, ya’ll! After a long, hot summer, I’m leaning very hard into the autumnal color scheme, including these gorgeous pants from Lafayette 148 New York. It’s a bold look for the office, but paired with the right top, I think it could work in most business-casual settings.

I would style these with a navy blazer or a cream turtleneck if you’re leaning more neutral, or maybe a turquoise print if you’re feeling a bit bolder.

The pants are $998 at Nordstrom and come in sizes 16W–24W.

A much more affordable option is this stretch-crepe pant from Standards & Practices, available in 14W–22W for $58 at Nordstrom.

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Sales of note for 12.5

425 Comments

  1. I work in banking in a regulatory capacity (not a lawyer). I’ve been doing this about 7 years. I want to 1) Increase my salary (I’m relatively capped where I am at a low 6 figures, unless I go into management, which doesn’t interest me), and 2) Eventually transition into monetary policy & financial regulation, beyond just working at a single bank (I live in DC and love the policy space). I think consulting is in my future, especially to increase my salary. I’d love to also write articles on the side one day and basically just be a subject matter expert.

    I do think a master’s degree could help me with these goals and going back to school is something I’ve wanted for a while. I’m just not sure what to study. To really specialize in the monetary system, it seems going the economics/finance route might be logical, but they are very heavy on mathematics while offering few policy courses. Then there are Masters programs in International Affairs that offer specialization in economic policy, but I’m not sure about that either. Another thought is MPP and try to specialize in financial/economic policy. MBA for a salary bump and growth in the consulting field is an option, perhaps even coupled with one of the above degrees.

    Clearly, I need some help. What would you do to get some direction here? I think I’ve done all I can do with online research. I do need to stay in DC. If I contacted each university in the DC area, would they be able to help me find a program that might be a good fit for me? Or do they not really do that? Would a career coach also be helpful?

    1. A good friend who has plateaued did an executive MBA program at Georgetown that let her keep her job (but there was a lot of travel involved). She was not based in DC and IIRC there were trips to India, etc., etc. [Made sense for her — she works with companies with a lot of foreign operations.] Maybe there is a more domestic-focus MBA? I mention MBAs only b/c I just don’t think that a master’s degree gets you anything these days whereas an MBA seems to get a bit more respect if it is from a national school. But the key thing for my friends who have done MBAs is that they did not have to stop working, which meant that it was a sounder decision with less of a downside. It wasn’t a fun two years, but it was pain with an endpoint.

    2. And don’t contact the programs. Those people are likely just in selling mode and have no objectivity. Better to arrange for coffee meetings with people who have done various things you’re interested in, work your alumni networks and other contacts, etc. Those people will give you candor and be frank in a way that the school people won’t.

    3. I’d say linkedin stalk some people and ask for quick informational calls. People in DC love to talk. First figure out what job(s) you want, THEN get a degree (if needed) in service of that goal.

      Also, check out some DC organizations – ask the people you do informationals with about it, but also check out women in government relations or women in housing and finance as a good place to start (and maybe work would pay for your memberships). Even if those people don’t have the job you want, they’ll know the people in the spaces.

      Agree that universities are useless and will only be in sales mode.

    4. Time to network. Reach out to colleagues or search LinkedIn for people with the type of role or career trajectory you’re interested in. Take them out for coffee or a drink and ask about their path, orgs they suggest you join, advice they have, and additional people you should meet.

    5. A few thoughts in no random order from someone working in policy at a financial regulator –
      — go to the grad school open houses or contact admissions folks now to learn more about their programs. Get a good understanding of who teaches their classes (professors or adjuncts with relevant day jobs) and what jobs recent grads have gone into.
      — but if you already have several years of regulatory/banking experience then the ROI on grad school may not make sense for you
      — can you transition to consulting now? that would be a good way to get exposure to different types of projects for different clients
      — can you try to do a stint in your company’s government affairs office to get broader exposure to government interactions?
      — monetary policy is going to be hard to become an expert in without significant econ coursework, even a phd
      — your two goals are somewhat at cross purposes. you can increase your income staying in industry/consulting. If you want to have a significant influence on policy and regulations, you probably want to be in government, which will not make you rich (but it is very rewarding)

    6. I agree with the advice to network and talk to people with jobs you want to figure out what, if any, degree you need to get there.

      But I winced a little at your implication that Econ MA programs have too much math — I really want people working at central banks and otherwise involved in economic policy to understand the math! Math is the heart of economics. I ended up pursuing a different field but did a math-heavy economics undergrad degree (it was a special program and looks like it has been replaced with a Econ and Math special double major at my undergrad) and the math was extremely interesting and valuable for understanding policy discussions in a deeper way.

      1. I wasn’t implying that Economics programs have too much math. I was implying that I wouldn’t get to take as many policy courses as I’d like because they seem to offer very few of them.

    7. I would look at bios of people who have the job you want (both in the near and short term) and see whether they have masters degrees and if so, what field. With your experience I’m not sure it’s going to be necessary, and MBA is probably the best option if you want to switch into consulting. Don’t contact the programs for advice though, they’ll just sell you on why they make sense for you.

      1. This, and be objective about the info you get. Lots of folks hear “sure, you’d be great! we hire mid-career switchers all the time!” when that’s simply not the case; people are polite or have misinformation. For example, it is damn near impossible to pivot into MBB consulting without having a) been a consultant before, and/or b) doing their 10-week summer internship, generally only open to FTMBA students. Doing a part time or exec program won’t offer you the same recruiting paths in. There are definitely other large or well-regarded boutique firms that WILL hire you out of a PT or Exec MBA program, but you’ll need to bring deep industry knowledge and learn how to be a consultant on the job.

  2. I’ve long been a fan of Lo & Sons. Last week, the leather strap of my Seville got shut in a car door and then rained on, pretty much ruining it as a “serious meeting” work bag. I have loved this bag. It’s about 5 years old and would re-order, but wanted to ping you all in case there is anything magical out there to also look at before pulling the trigger. IIRC, MZWallace has some “travel” bags but it looks like their bags have gone up in price and are reading a bit more casual these days (I am generally casual-friendly, but need at least one serious work bag now that serious work travel and serious local meetings are back). I really loved the Seville because no matter how much I shoved in it (generally: laptop and about a ream of paper), it stood up. I still have an older (10 years?) OG that is just a gym bag after something spilled inside it that stained.

    1. Consistent with the post-WFH era “work clothes shouldn’t be painful” I’ve been seeing more “nice backpacks” among women execs – think Tumi.

      1. I also love my Seville but have switched to the Lo & Sons Rowledge backpack for every day use and use the Seville for more formal meetings now. Love them both!

    2. My Lo and Sons bag broke and I emailed them and they sent me a new strap. So maybe worth reaching out to customer service!

      1. Yes, their customer service is THE BEST! My handle on my OG frayed & they sent me a new bag.

        1. Yes, my strap broke a few years ago and they sent me a brand new bag. I would definitely reach out to them. I think I sent photos.

      2. Was coming to say the same, my straps frayed prematurely and I emailed them and they sent a new bag. Fantastic customer service.
        As a very expensive alternative, consider the Senreve Maestra – doubt it fits as much but can be worn as a backpack or carried as a bag so very versatile.

        1. I’m not the OP, but I’m really curious about the Sanreve Maestra. How have you found the quality and longevity? Hesitant to purchase without seeing it in person.

  3. What is the “going out shirt” of 2022? I have a couple of date nights upcoming with DH. One, we’re going to a somewhat casual dinner then to see Pete Souza speak. The other is a nice dinner out for my birthday. I can’t for the life of me figure out what to wear now that weather in Boston is in the 50s/60s in the evening. I’m 37, a size 14 currently, in the midst of pretty substantial weight loss so I’m not running out to buy more than I need because who knows how long it’ll fit. But, I’m at a total loss. In summer, this is much easier as I would have just tossed on one of the many summer dresses in my closet.

    I have a few long-sleeve Zara dresses in my cart, but I’ve never worn Zara and have no idea how they fit. Would love to wear jeans and a top to one night out and maybe a dress to the other. IDK. Help, please! I feel like covid neutralized my ability to dress appropriately out in public in the colder months!

    2. I don’t go out much, but I feel like White House Black Market might have some nice going out tops. Not sure how their sizing runs.

      Banana Republic Factory seems to have a lot of silky tops that would look going-out nice with a little jewelry?

    3. Zara runs tiny. I’m a solid size 10 and I wear at least an XL or a 12 in most of their clothing.

      I feel like a silky bodysuit + jeans + strappy heeled mules is a current date night outfit. Or a slip dress with a leather jacket. Basically I feel like the “cool” thing now is to wear something silky/fancy (bodysuit, slip dress, slip skirt) with something casual (straight jeans, leather jacket, T-shirt).

      1. I second this. I am a size 8/10 and wear an XL at Zara. Their clothing is also built for a straight up-and-down/rectangle body type. In short, Zara has always been a disaster for me. Try Massimo Dutti

    4. If you like Zara, Modern Citizen may be a good size-inclusive alternative for you. The Lenese dress is a go-to for me as a cool-weather equivalent to my summer dresses. I have it in charcoal, and have successfully loaned it to friends who are both larger and smaller than I am, with different shapes, and everyone looked cute. All that to say that you might be able to rock it even if you continue to lose weight.

    5. If you look at Nordstrom – Women – Clothing – Tops then hit filter, there’s an Occasion option, and one of the choices is Night Out. I saw several cute styles there. Of course there’s the teeny bopper barely covered stuff, but since it’s fall, quite a few long sleeved more covered up versions too.

      When I chose both Day to Night and Night Out, I saw a couple of options from the brand CeCe that I thought were cute.

      I feel you on the going out tops. My husband is in a bar band and pre-pandemic I had a good rotation of going out tops to wear to his gigs. With jeans, so I didn’t look too serious about it, of course.

      3. In addition to these Kiyonna makes a couple of stretchy lace tops that are slightly more holiday but I made work for the bar gigs by making the rest of my outfit really casual.

    6. That’s so funny! I live in LA and I pine for cooler weather when I can layer up. I’m always at a loss for what to wear out when it’s hot.

      I would go with a simple top and a fun blazer or jacket. If you want just a top, I really like a lot of the tops at Marcella Nyc.

  4. I recently discovered I love working out before work! I go to gym in AM and have plenty of time to get back and start WFH day. This is so much easier for me than after work where the couch is calling my name.

    Are you team exercise before, during, or after work?

    1. Before! If I wait until after work, it is much less likely to get done. And I have no idea how people manage mid-day workouts. I am a sweaty beast.

    2. After! The idea of crawling out of bed before I absolutely must and then working out? Enough to give me nosebleeds.

    3. After… working out first thing in the morning means a likely stop at a construction site to use the port-o-let midway through my run, something I’d prefer to avoid.

    4. After! I take forever to cool down and that’s NBD if I’m still a little red in the face while getting organized for the next day or prepping dinner. Less fun if I need to shower and get on video ASAP.

    5. Before! Makes me human before coffee and having to interact with people, including my tiny humans.

    6. I’ve been working out before breakfast for years, and I love it! The adrenaline makes me wake up and gets me ready for the day. I’m pretty sure I’m actually addicted to it now like with a morning coffee. I can’t fully wake up without it (which is totally fine on weekends and vacations).

    7. After. I’m legitimately groggy and sleepy after a workout and I cannot afford a workday plunge in energy that leaves me struggling to stay awake at my desk.

    8. I definitely need to exercise before work. It starts my day off right and helps me regulate my emotions during a difficult work day. I also feel a sense of accomplishment which is great. If I do it after, I am much more likely to put it off.

    9. Weekends, if I must. I’ve tried a million forms of exercise and I hate it all. It puts me in the worst mood.

    10. Texas summer forced me to make peace with Before for the sake of my poor dog, and whenever I make the effort I LOVE it, even if it makes me a smidge late for work. But when the weather allows, team After all the way. I like my sleep, and I’m a lifelong night showerer.

    11. After. I like to get my work done before doing things I enjoy like exercising. Plus I generally don’t wake up early enough to work out, shower, and go to work.

    12. After. I am just not a morning person and the idea of exercise before caffeine has kicked in makes me shudder. I don’t understand the people who exercise during work make that work (unless you’re WFH and don’t need to look presentable).

    13. Before. I don’t want to get up when my alarm goes off, but I’m always happy I did. The key for me is to not sit down between when I get up and when I start my workout; no sitting down for coffee or to scroll through my phone. I get out of the house as quickly as possible and get going. It’s the best start to my day, and then I don’t spend my day trying to justify why I won’t work out in the evenings. But I will admit that the two days each week that I rest and sleep in are delightful also!

    14. I am a mid-day or after work person. When I WFH, I try to go around lunch (whenever the class is). If I’m in office, I’ll go to a class at the end of the day. Mornings and I are NOT friends.

    16. I’m team lunch break because I often can take an hour and a half for lunch and it’s one of the only times I don’t have to watch my kids. I also work in a super casual office.

    17. I’ve always been a fan of morning workouts. The chances of me actually going to work out once my day is done are very slim. It’s so easy to talk myself out of it.

  5. Would you buy a house next to a pond with young kids? We are in the midst of looking for a house and saw this gorgeous house that checks all the boxes (school, commute, neighborhood, price, size). But two downsides:
    1. The house has its back against a pond. It’s pretty and you can kayak in it. But the realtor said it’s deep as well. Outside of the flooding risk, we have a 5 year old and a 1 year old so I have this fear that they might drown… Am I being paranoid? Rationally, I know people grow up next to water all the time without dying. There is a fence but I think a pre-teen can easily scale it.
    2. The house shares a driveway with the neighbor and there is an arrangement to hire someone to shovel snow in the winter. The neighbor seems nice when we visited but that could change. Does that give you pause?

    Thank you!!

    2. If there’s a fence, I’d be fine with it. And militant that the kids be good swimmers and know about water safety. As kids we were in swim lessons year round and did the local (very chill) summer swim team. We all remain very proficient swimmers: I do triathlons as an adult and my 2 brothers were lifeguards for several years.

      1. Oh this. OP, if you are in a climate that supports mosquito activity, a body of still water large enough to be called a pond likely means being dive bombed by mosquitoes every single time you poke your head out the door. Do not underestimate the misery. Plus they can carry disease.

    4. I would not buy the house without checking into whether or not you’re even able to get flood insurance (some insurers won’t offer it in cases like yours), what the current water remediation plan is (are there sump pumps/french drains in place) and what past rainfall/flooding has been like. My kid was cautious and not a ‘runner’ so I’d be more afraid of the water damage than the pond itself. Also if you have (or plan to get) a dog be aware that you may have to fish them out of it on a regular basis (friends of ours had a lovely pond at the very bottom of their property, and two frequently damp/muddy dogs because of it).
      Sharing a driveway also sounds like a nightmare to negotiate but if there is ample on street parking maybe it’s not an issue? We’ve done lots of work on our old house and there have been many weeks when there are multiple large trucks from tradespeople parked in our driveway – having to negotiate that with a neighbor would have been a big headache.

      1. Don’t quote me on this, but I think some mortgage lenders require you to have flood insurance if you live in a designated floodplain. I wouldn’t say the pond is a dealbreaker but definitely do your research on the flood risk.

        1. I think this is true for all lenders.

          Flood insurance is a regressive federal tax whereby poor communities pay taxes so that rich people can live near the water. Don’t get me started.

    5. A pond would be wonderful! Make sure your kids can swim and do survival basics at a very young age. Talk to them a lot about water safety and rules. Buy water activated life jackets for them–not as bulky, and inflate when in the water. I would love to live next to a pond! I think this is safer than a pool…

    6. I am slightly traumatized from living in a very flood prone town. It was not uncommon for people to lose their cars, damage to basements, etc. I personally wouldn’t but if you have a good fence you should be ok if you’re comfortable with the risk. However, the shared driveway is a huge no no for me. I’d pass.

    7. We bought a house overlooking a pond and literally never even considered drowning risk since it wasn’t on our property. A 5 or 1 year old wandering around off our property unsupervised is already super dangerous, so I’m not sure the presence of water is very meaningful to me. The fear of a preteen drowning seems a bit too far IMO. A preteen can also ride their bike to a pond that’s a mile away.

    8. You might get different responses on the mom board re the pond. I would not live next to a pond until both kids are older due to safety issues. If a preteen wants to scale the fence and hop into the pond…they would do that even if you lived blocks away, but right now your kids are really little.

      But the biggest deal breaker here is the shared driveway. There were a few of these on the market when we were looking a few months ago and I refused to even look at them in case I liked the house. These can lead to a serious headache if your neighbor changes, your neighbor has a change of heart, guests park on your side, etc.

    9. The fence means personal safety would not be a concern to me. I would investigate flood insurance.

      Is there anything in writing about the driveway? Thinking about costs of upkeep, repair, etc. like resealing asphalt. Is the driveway wide enough that if one of you is having a party or work done, the other can still access their house?

    11. Thanks all! Yes, there is a sump pump. I will ask our realtor about the flood zone and flood insurance.
      For the shared driveway, you can park 2 more cars if you move ours to the garage – we are a 1-car family. Not tight but will need to negotiate with neighbors if we have a bigger party and/or have contractors come and work on the house. That is definitely a minus for me.

      1. The shared driveway is a way bigger negative in my book than the pond. We’ve always lived near retention ponds and it’s totally never been a thing with our kids. Depending on the topography, you may not need flood insurance. But a shared driveway? That would be a deal breaker.

      2. If you move forward with this, make sure to get a sump pump with a battery backup. If the power goes out during a storm it needs to keep working.

        1. I grew up with a sump pump and learned your definitely need a backup. It was horrible dealing with a flooded basement on several occasions.

    14. I would not because of mosquitos and potential flooding. In my area, ponds are very common but I stayed away from those houses because I have young kids. However, usually the pond wasn’t fenced in and there was no feasible way to fence it in. In your case, I also wouldn’t want to negotiate a shared driveway. We often have deliveries and visitors.

    15. You should check whether there is a written agreement as to the driveway and if not, there should be, mainly covering costs of repair/maintenance and making sure that no one parks in the spaces you need to move your car. As much as I would never buy a house with a shared driveway myself, I handle a lot of properties that have them and I wouldn’t say that they cause more issues than any other weird neighbor thing. Generally, it’s a situation where you are mutually dependent on each other not being b-holes, so there’s usually some courtesy there, but sometimes you just get people who cannot accommodate the social contract.

    16. I grew up on one. It’s beautiful. The mosquitoes were not a problem because of bull frogs. We’d canoe and Ice skate on it. We found out beer bottle float in it.

      My parents had sump pumps but basically the basement is just always going to be unfinished and wet at some point and they need an automatic generator for storms to keep them running when the power goes. So I’d factor that minor headache in and give up the idea of a finished basement. Also their soil is clay, which may or may not impact what and how you plant things.

    17. I have a pond and it’s fine. Sounds like you’re fenced off which is good. We take some extra safety precautions like alarming doors but so far haven’t had a problem. Mosquitoes aren’t bad because of all the fish and frogs. The shared driveway wouldn’t bother me either – worst case scenario is that you maintain it at your expense.

      1. I grew up by a pond in MA (in my next door neighbors’ back yard), and mosquitoes were terrible. I wouldn’t do it.

  6. paging starting over and others in need of work clothes whilst juggling financial issues:

    please post a burner email so I can reach out.

    I am.mainly cleaning out 14 and 16s right now but went into storage for Starting Over this weekend to find some 8s.

  7. I’m looking for a coat that’s nice enough to wear to work when it’s in the high 30s-40s-50s. I have the heavy puffer situation covered when it gets really cold but I struggle with this in-between weather. I have a thinner North Face coat that works, but if I’m honest with myself, it looks much better with jeans and athleisure than work pants. Any recommendations for specific coats? I’m in the Midwest and the wind is more of a factor than the actual temperature.

    1. I have a few knee length wool coats that I love. I wear to work and on the weekends with jeans. 2 were from Macys and 1 was Old Navy so there’s definitely a wide range of price points.

    2. What’s your price point and does it need to be water resistant? I tend to wear my lined trench coat as a work coat until it’s in the low 30’s because I usually wear a blazer at the same time. If you’re not wearing another layer underneath I’d suggest a ‘dress’ wool coat. There have been plenty of round ups in the past – the Ted Baker wool coat (or that style) seems to be the one I see most frequently – JCrew also has nice wool options especially if you can nab one on sale.

      1. JCrew is probably my max budget. I have a Calvin Klein wool coat that’s wearable but has seen better days. TBH, I’ve grown to really dislike the comfort level of wool coats (or this one, at least), though I know that’s probably the answer for looking work-appropriate. Sigh. I swear that I’ve developed all sorts of sensory issues in mid-life.

        1. What about a cocoon coat? Those would have a bit more give. Looks like their jackets are on sale at the moment too!

    4. Check out London Fog coats – I got mine from Kohl’s or you can order direct from the website. They’re beautiful.

      3. I got my really pretty hooded wool blend coat from Kohl’s. Nordstrom Rack also has some nice but reasonably priced coats. I would check out both!

    5. I got 2 nice Calvin Klein wool coats at Burlington of all places last year. Both were like $60 or 70 bucks, which is why I bought 2. Worth checking out!

    6. I posted about the fall Eileen Fisher coats over the weekend. They’re perfect for the weather you describe and really scrumptious. I have a prior years version and I could always stuff it into the overhead on top of my roller and one shake out and it was fine. Lovely natural fabrics.

  8. Idk if this is a PSA or a rant or a lesson learned. I’m working with two very green associates – one is a first year the other is more experienced but coming from government – and I’m learning things I never knew I needed to know about managing people. Like when I need something ASAP that means as close to now as possible while still being good work product. If I say ASAP today, I might not get it until midnight. If I say ASAP within the next hour, then I get shoddy quality. I’ve started going with, this is your first priority and you will do nothing else until this is done, and that seems to have more success. It made me giggle a bit this morning when one of the associates gave something to the print room to be done “ASAP no later than 10 am” and then I see the printing guy chit chatting instead of doing the hands on work that is required for that project (so it’s not like the printer was doing its thing). Yup if you give someone a time they will work up until that time even if it could’ve been done much sooner.

    1. You sound unhinged. If you tell someone super Junior do it asap in an hour of course it won’t be great. You told them that speed is the most important thing to you.

      1. +1. If something needs to be done literally within an hour and at high quality, you need to get an experienced person to do it. That may be an experienced EA or paralegal or senior associate, depending on the nature of the work. But a brand new associate won’t be effective on that kind of timeline.

      2. I’m really confused why the knee jerk for so many people on this board seems to be – a woman complains about something, even says it was a lesson learned for her, therefore we must call her names and criticize her. Seriously we’ve all had to ask for things to be done “ASAP” at some point. It’s a good observation that ASAP means different things to different people. You’ve got to be clear. Which I think is the point the OP was making.

        1. Yeah, agreed. God forbid a woman expect someone to know what ASAP means. She must be unhinged. Also, employees know they hold all the cards right now. No one is doing anymore than quietly quitting. Employers (and consumers) can have zero expectation of reasonable service. Looking forward to the recession, my guess is that people will quickly learn what ASAP means.

      5. +1 giving specific deadlines helps, but when you give a deadline that’s unrealistic for the work/ experience level of the associate, you’re going to get poor quality. Also, the jab at the print room feels in poor taste. Take some time, cool off, and come up with a plan to better train and manage your associates.

      6. How rude. No, she doesn’t sound ‘unhinged’ in the slightest and you should apologise.

    2. You might consider slowing down when you give direction bc if you dole out assignments with this type of stream-of-consciousness ramble, you are not going to get the best time-to-quality ratio out of the work product regardless of the deadline. Unspoken assumptions are never fruitful.

      FWIW, I find I got best output from juniors when I took time to explain (1) how the assignment fits in the big picture of the project, (2) where to find good samples, and (3) an estimate of how long I think it should take along with the ultimate ask for the initial work product. I would invite questions after they’d had enough time to start working on it that they’d run into surprises or roadblocks, and the deadline would include a buffer for me to read it and give feedback so they’d make revisions.

      1. +1. If you communicate to associates in this way, no wonder they’re confused.

        “ASAP” means different things to different people. Tell them when you need it and why (“The client has to send this out by the end of the work day, so I’ll need it from you by noon in order for me to have time to review”). And yes, if you need it within an hour you are sacrificing quality for speed unless it’s a one-page fill-in-the-blanks doc like a bill of sale or basic assignment & assumption, and even then a first year is going to be panicky about that timeline and might miss something.

    3. “You know what, Stan, if you want me to wear 37 pieces of flair, like your pretty boy over there, Brian, why don’t you just make the minimum 37 pieces of flair?”

      In other words, if you want it before 10am, make the deadline earlier.

    4. You sound truly awful to work with. Am I reading it correctly that you are made at even the support staff for .. talking ? When you gave a deadline of 10am? Honestly this complaint was horrifying. You are being unclear , demanding , and seem to think that you are correct

    7. I would never give a new/ inexperienced associate work to be done in a hard deadline of less than an hour that was more complicated than something like reviewing/polishing a final product they already were familiar with and expect it not to be horrible. They are learning literally everything on the job.

    8. Your expectations from green associates and your timelines don’t align. Give real timelines and be specific. Aka, “I estimate this will take 5 hours based on your associate year, I need this by 10 am tomorrow so that I have time to review it, and reserve two to three hours to implement my comments that afternoon. If you take a look at it and don’t think you’ll be able to finish it by then, let me know in the next hour so I can reassign. Prioritize done versus perfect.”
      Like someone mentioned, you won’t get any kind of good quality work in an hour from a new or untrained associate – and based on your tone I’m guessing you probably don’t train either. Also keep in mind, unless this associate is assigned only to you, they have other work that might need priority so ask if they can finish in your timeline, don’t say “this is your only job right now”.

    9. ASAP is a worthless deadline. No one can read your mind. If you want it by 10 am Tuesday, you need to say that. Associates have 15 asap things to do and you are not helping them do their job by being vague and then hoping you get what you want from someone inexperienced (either in years or office type).

    10. I hate working for people who do this to me. I’m not a mind reader, didn’t apply for a job in a psychic’s tent at a carnival, and don’t want to twist myself into knots guessing what is going on in your brain. For what it’s worth, I’ve found that managers who pull this are usually in over their own heads and punch down to make themselves feel better.

    11. Tight deadlines
      Quality work
      Staff retention

      Pick any two. Three ain’t possible.

  9. Has anyone noticed that no one seems to be checking the amount of liquids you bring through airport security anymore? I’ve been to several major cities in the US and Canada in the last few years and I haven’t been asked to remove my 3 oz liquids quart bag in a very long time. Laptops, shoes, jackets yes but other than pouring out water bottles, no liquids. Is this not a thing anymore?

    1. It is. I just flew on Saturday and someone was forced to surrender a bottle of some toiletry that was too many ounces

    2. I travel a lot and I haven’t removed my 3 oz liquids in probably over a decade. Honestly. I don’t even put my liquids in one small bag and haven’t for a long time.
      I think if it’s big like a water bottle as you point out they will stop it for sure. And my husband recently got stopped for a full size contact solution bottle. But I think the days of them examining 3 oz liquids or if they are in the right size bag or whether it’s 3 or 4 oz are long gone. BUT every airport security can be vastly different so take this with a grain of salt.

      1. +1 as long as it’s a small bottle I never take my liquids out and pack them directly in my toiletry bag, not in a clear bag. I fly all over the US for work and have never had an issue in the five years I’ve been doing it this way.

    3. Yeah for like the last 7 years. If it’s in the baggie they don’t care if it’s 4oz instead of 3. And they don’t usually need the baggie separate.

      1. And if there is a small lotion in a different pocket, NBD. But no big things or full water bottles.

    4. This is heavily airport-dependent. Unfortunately BWI does not have this leniency. They were super strict about me bringing the ready-to-feed baby formula bottles and made me throw away the one bottle of sunscreen I left in our carry-on about a month ago.

      1. Agree. I had a guy throw out my single-serve (3.5 oz) yogurt last weekend that was meant to be part of my kid’s lunch.

      2. Definitely airport dependent. Some airports have new machines that do a better job at screening things so you dont have to take anything out of your bag anymore, even without pre-check.
        Also worth noting: if traveling internationally, some airports couldnt care less, others are even more strict than the US. From my experience, Heathrow is extremely strict about the size of the clear plastic bag and making sure it’s taken out for separate scanning.

        1. Dublin is also very strict about the size of the plastic bag and everything having to fit in it.

        2. Yeah, Heathrow is very strict, they WILL stop you, and everybody who’s delayed behind you will resent you – as a PSA: please use the bag in Europe. I have not been at any airport in Europe who does not check liquids still.

      3. Agreed that it’s very airport dependent. The Ft Lauderdale airport gave me a lot of questions about why I had baby formula. I… I was literally holding an infant. The TSA agent looked straight at me and said, ‘Are you traveling with a child?’

        Um, Ma’am. I sure hope that this baby who I have in my arms is somebody I’m traveling with. If not, we have bigger issues.

        1. TSA gets real salty when you sent the baby through another line with your husband but you have the bag with a week of formula. That earned me a solid five years of mandatory pat down screenings.

    5. I think the rule is still there but my experience flying this summer was the same, no one asked about the liquids.

    6. The rule is still there, but they seem to care only about oversize bottles as opposed to whether everything fits in a quart size baggie.

    7. I figured the not having to take liquids out of your bag thing just meant they could tell through your bags now. I love that rule because I hated fishing through my luggage in the TSA line, and I hated packing a big bag of toiletries in my personal item for ease at security.

      1. Agree. I think this is the reason, and part of why it’s airport dependent (some airports get upgraded machines before others).

    8. I’ve noticed the same thing. That said I keep all my liquids in small bottles and containers, very few even 3 oz bottles, but a lot of them.

    9. I thought so too until I had my bag inspected last week bc I had a 3oz shampoo bottle one time, and a candle on the way home. It’s random.

    10. I grabbed the wrong toothpaste before my last trip and accidentally flew round trip with a 4 ounce bottle. No one checked my bag, though I did but the random screening jackpot for testing my suitcase handles.

      I have for a long time brought more than a quart sized ziploc bag worth of sub-3oz toiletries and never had a problem in the US. Overseas, got a lecture at CDG but he let me keep my stuff.

      I also carry toiletries in both my roller bag and my tote and no one has ever had anything to say about that either. What can I say, I like my fancy creams and lotions.

    11. They’re still looking at the x-ray, though. They notice if you have a water bottle you’ve forgotten, for instance. So I wouldn’t try to get away with bringing a big bottle of something through.

  10. just a psa- if you are invited to an event and asked to take a Covid test at home in advance, remember an invitation is not a summons and if it’s such a burden for you that you feel the need to complain about it for the entire duration of the event, just stay home- the immunocompromised bride probably doesn’t really want you at her wedding anyway

    2. The entire COVID experience opened my eyes to what giant tantrum-prone toddlers a lot of adults are. I prefer actual toddlers. At least they have an excuse for their behavior.

  11. Do kids generally take the PSAT 8/9? In my city, it looks like private schools offer it to their students in 8th and 9th grade but public schools largely do not. I kind of want my 8th grader to take it (in our city, public schools did not go school in person until last fall and it seems like an academic dumpster fire). I feel like this might be a wake-up call of sorts if it is a disaster. We are also seriously considering private schools for high school (our city’s public schools are now among the worst in the state and are so focused on bringing the bottom up that they don’t seem to care any more about kids who might be able to learn more than the minimum) and one thing that might let us stay in public school despite my misgivings is if kiddo is going OK on a test like that.

    1. I have no clue. I didn’t take it until 10th grade, but I can also tell you i did terribly on it despite being a straight A student and I went on to get two Ivy League degrees, so I don’t know how much weight I’d put on one test

    2. In my area, kids only take the test that early if they’re hand-selected for Reasons that I still don’t understand. To verify giftedness? Who knows. I personally didn’t take it until the middle of high school.

      FWIW, I don’t think the PSAT is going to tell you what you want to know. If you’re considering private schools already, maybe just go that route. It sounds like you have good reason to.

    3. Not in my town and I think it’s silly. It’s honestly a pretty basic test that doesn’t tell you much and is just going to be used to sell you things. You obviously hate your local public schools so just start figuring out private school!

    4. I took it in 8th (jr high counselor suggested it as part of gifted program, I think, and it helped me and my parents justify a full-honors courseload my freshman year of HS). FWIW I scored in the 1200’s (out of then-current 1600) and ended up getting a 1500 on the real thing, in case that helps with where your kid “should” be at that age.

      1. I took the old school PSA in . . . 7th? 8th? because all “gifted” kids in my decidedly blue-collar no-parents-had-been-to-college school system signed us up for it. I did good enough to be invited to some of the expensive summer programs at Hopkins (but wasn’t able to go). One thing it did do was show to my parents and school that 1) they didn’t have to worry that I was academically unprepared for very rigorous coursework (so doubled up on HS math classes) and 2) they didn’t really need to send me away b/c apparently I had enough local/free opportunities to learn on my own.

        In an era of COVID, I would want to see where my kid really was b/c in a few years, they may not be as able to course-correct as they can now. I have a feeling that some kids are tragically behind and need more of an intervention year than the gap year that now seems to be common. Our city is tanking, academically, but is so focused on the worst performing students that everyone else seems to be leaving for charter schools or trying desperately to get slots in magnet programs.

    5. In my public high school all 10th graders took it. Isn’t it important for the NMSQT? Seem to remember that it got me on the radar of a lot of selective colleges, at least from a marketing standpoint, which was probably good to help inform my college list.

      1. The PSAT/NMSQT is a different test. Kids take it in 11th grade for National Merit qualification and may take it in 10th grade for practice. The PSAT 8/9 is used primarily for gifted program qualification and College Board revenue generation.

    7. The 8th grader I mentor through a youth program is taking the PSAT at her charter school this year.

    8. My daughter’s large urban public high school does, as did her public middle school. You sound incredibly negative about public schools and like you are looking for a reason to leave. If you want to switch schools, just do it, no need for a pretext.

    9. FWIW I was a pretty good student (all A’s) and still didn’t do so hot on my PSAT. For but the very few, those kinds of tests require prep work: what kinds of questions are asked, how do you approach solving them, etc. For my first round of SAT my dad bought a prep book from goodwill and I used it to study, only it’s a super old version so the analogies and comparison section I had studied for wasn’t even on the test anymore! Don’t let your kid take it unprepared and measure their aptitude on that score.

    10. Sounds like a good plan. My son took it as a 7th grader to determine if he could start college as an 8th grader – early entrance. He qualified but ended up not going to college early. I don’t know of any other kids who took it outside of that usage but post-pandemic it might be a useful metric.

  12. Recommendations for executive coaching? I was recently promoted into a much more senior role and the company covers coaching for everyone who is promoted to this level and above. I would say I primarily need to work on management skills first, and shifting to a more strategic mindset second, as I was an individual contributor for a long time.

    1. Do you need a specific coach recommendation or does your company handle this? A good coach will also help you clarify your goals for the coaching assignment, sometimes using 360s or other assessments or in talking through your professional goals. Sounds like yours might be general ‘transition to leadership’ type goals.

    2. Not coaching.. but highly recommend reading Multipliers.. it has been a lifesaver in delegating well and having a life

  13. Good morning!
    I have gained so much from y’all over the years, I wanted to share 2 things making my life slightly better these days (in case anyone who struggles with getting exercise or healthy food like me can use them).

    Down dog app- I first heard about it here. Almost infinitely customizable yoga program with different levels and types. I have been doing just 10-15 minutes in the mornings, and even that makes a big difference in my energy throughout the day. Something is better than nothing!

    Cooking other grains in a rice cooker. I’ve been doing farro + a cube of instant bouillon in my rice cooker to have tasty whole grains on hand as the basis for a grain bowl with veggies and feta. Something about not actually cooking it in a pot over the stove makes it less of a mental hurdle for me. Did I mention I am lazy?

    Anyway, doing these 2 quick things for a few weeks has made me feel better and have more energy. Just in case anyone else could use it!

    2. I love farro so much — and I’m always on the hunt for new farro recipes if anyone has some :)

      3. Budget Bytes did a whole series on farro in like 2015; some of them are super interesting! Link to follow.

    3. I just re-downloaded Down Dog (they sent me an offer that was £15 for the year or something)! I’m going to do Soft 75 when I get back from this holiday to help me get back into my healthy activity habits which I completely lost in September due to having Covid.

  14. I’m headed to the Raleigh/Durham area this weekend, and the weather looks pretty bad due to Hurricane Ian. I’m not familiar with the area at all. If you have any tips for good fitness studios, coffee shops, indoor activities, etc. I would welcome them! TIA

    1. Are you going to be in Raleigh or Durham? Although our airport is called “Raleigh/Durham,” they’re two distinct cities and people don’t really go back and forth (it’s only a 30-45 minute drive depending on traffic, but I go to the one I don’t live in… maybe once every three months).

    2. If you’re in Durham, I’d get a chicken biscuit from Rise (or Sunrise Biscuit Kitchen if it Chapel Hill area), donuts from Monuts, coffee from Cocoa Cinnamon (though there are a ton of great coffee places in Durham, hard to go wrong there). If there is any break in the weather, check out the Duke Gardens. There are also a ton of great breweries in Durham- Ponysaurus, Hi-Wire Brewing, Bull City Ciderworks, etc.

    3. This region was at the center of third wave coffee so there are going to be some fabulous coffee shops. It would definitely help to know where you’re actually going to be though!

    4. Where are you staying or where are the people you’re visiting? Despite my user name, I live in Cary now and absolutely love it here.

      For me, it’s like everything is 20-30 minutes away. My office is in Durham and is ~30 minutes. I can be in parts of Raleigh in 20 minutes and it can also take 20 minutes to drive across Cary.

    5. Agree it depends on which city you’ll actually be in. And what’s your preferred fitness activities? Normally I would send you to the NC Museum of Art regardless of which city you’re staying in, but unfortunately it’s currently half closed due to a renovation. If you happen to like arcade games, Boxcar is a good barcade and has both a Raleigh and a Durham location and is an entertaining way to kill a few hours indoors.

      1. In that case:

        Fitness studios – not much help here but I hear great things about Burn Bootcamp. There are also Orangetheorys and F45s in the nicer neighborhoods. If it’s not raining this weekend, try getting out for a walk, run, or bike ride on one of the many greenways. They are absolutely gorgeous this time of year.

        Coffee – Lucky Tree is fun and showcases art from local artists. Videri Chocolate supposedly has a good coffee shop but I’ve never been

        Breweries/restaurants – lots in the Glenwood South area. There’s a new brewery district cropping up called the Warehouse District and those breweries tend to be more casual and family friendly. Bowstring and Lynnwood are the main ones there.

        General indoor – Goodnights comedy club just moved; tickets are cheap but it’s hit or miss and the misses are hilariously bad. NCMA is nice though it is partially under renovation. Walking through Artspace downtown is a great way to see new artists; it’s more fun during the Raleigh night markets but you can still get a flavor going on your own.

      2. If you like yoga, YoBa is a good studio. It’s not downtown (kind of assuming you’re staying downtown), but it’s not too far. We also have a lot of good restaurants, depending on what type of food you want (and controversial opinion, but I don’t think Ashley Christensen’s restaurants are actually that good relative to the hype. She’s one of our local celebrity chef types). Downtown options: LucetteGrace for pastries, St. Roch Oyster Bar, Bida Manda and Brewery Bhavana (next door to each other, same owners), Sitti, if you want fancy then Second Empire. And both the food halls downtown have good quick options (I like Transfer Co. food hall better than Morgan Street just because it’s not quite as crowded, but both are good)

  15. I am the poster from awhile ago who was dating a man who was chronically unemployed. I am a lawyer. I helped him get a part time retail job, then we broke up mutually due to incompatibilities. We got stuck in a cycle where he would self sabotage – I think he has confidence issues from his lack of work experience so he didn’t think he deserved me, or to be treated well by me. He shared this with me.

    The man is not financially stable in any way, shape or form but I cannot shake the feeling that I am making a mistake. I was in love with him and still am. Has anyone been in a similar situation?

    I think the best thing to do is remain friendly for now and in a few years, check in again if we are both single and he is more stable. But I’m hurting in the meantime.

    1. Can you be a happy person solo? Not everyone can.

      Staying with this guy in any way will keep you from being on a better path. And you are not starting in a rom-com. This is real life. A good FICO ought to be s*xy vs a layabout who won’t deal with his emotional issues and adult like the rest of us.

      1. This. You need to cut the ties if you want to find an equal partner. If you are ok with a man-boy who you support emotionally and financially, then maybe he is the one and you should stay in contact.

    2. Omg no the best thing is not staying friends. The best thing is going absolutely zero contact and getting therapy.

    3. You need to go no contact. Do not try to maintain a friendship. If in 5 years you are still thinking about him and still single then look him up. You have plenty of friends – maintaining a friendship with him will prevent you from moving forward.

    4. You have to be ok with how he is now, tbh if he makes you happy but is personally reliable (so you can count on him to keep his promises and agreements), just make him a house husband – you’re happy and he’s happy. But don’t expect him to change, that’s setting up both of you for failure.

    6. I would rather be someone who I loved and who was a good person and a good partner than someone with a fancy job and lots of money. But YMMV.

      1. There’s a difference between a fancy job and lots of money versus someone who can’t hold a full time job. Making six figures is not a requirement but making under 50k with no possibility of a raise/promotion is an absolute dealbreaker for me.

        1. Yeah, the “fancy job with lots of money” is a straw man. OP *helped* this guy get a part-time retail job, and apparently he continues to self-sabotage. This looks to be someone who isn’t even capable of working at all right now, or just barely if so.

      2. She is not asking for a fancy job. Literally any job! I’m sorry – a person who just stays at home all day doing nothing will not be a good partner

      3. I need to be with an adult who is adulting through. If it’s a manager at Wendy’s, that is a high-stress low-paying job, but it is adulting and is work and I would respect that. Or a cook at a food kitchen. Or a solid waste services employee. That is like 180 degrees from what is going on here.

      4. Part of compatibility is ability to set and meet goals, compatible finances, and independence. OP wanted those things, this guy did not. That makes for a bad partner.

    7. I dated someone who was unemployed/underemployed for almost 2 years of the 2 and a half years we dated. It was during Covid and I knew he was applying for stuff, so it was somewhat easy to excuse. We broke up, kind of for other reasons, but I think that was a big contributing factor. We got into some bad patterns because he was unemployed for so long, and it was hard to get out of them. I still wonder if we had stayed friends and waited to date until he got on a professional career path he was comfortable with if we would have worked out. Maybe, maybe not.

      I think your idea of being friendly and reevaluating in a few years is a good one, but only if you can truly close the door in the meantime. Take 6 months or longer to get over the break up with no contact and see if you can come together as friends. But if having him in your life stops you from exploring other relationships, it’s not worth it

      1. Hard disagree. She already isn’t moving on. Staying “friends” is just an excuse to try to open that door again in hopes he’ll change (people don’t). If he thinks he doesn’t deserve to be treated well by her, then they shouldn’t even be friends. That’s the kindest thing she can do for him at this point.

      2. Seconding the advice to cut off all contact, and maybe for more than 6 months. With someone who is under-functioning, it can be so tempting to hold out hope that they will change, and in the meantime foreclose other better options because you’re still invested in the theoretical future you have with this under-functioning person. Please assume he is not changing and move forward accordingly. Be sad, but don’t expect anything to change.

    8. He’s not in a good place to be in a relationship. Not because of the unemployment (though that’s not great), but because of his confidence issues.

    9. Think of it like a tennis match. It’s not fun after awhile to play with someone who isn’t on equal footing. Your job isn’t to fix him or figure out if it’s a confidence issue or anything else. That you are leaning this way says to me you shouldn’t even be friends.

      Go find someone else that you are more compatible with. If a downturn happens or you get sick and lose your job, how are you going to support both of you? You’ll also find over time that it helps having a partner who understands your day to day stress better than a part-time retail worker can.

      I used to date projects in my 20s. Now at 48 and having been married for 16 years, I thank my lucky stars every day to be with someone I’m proud of in every way. He’s given me such great advice on life, family, friends and career as things have had ups and downs. He has been a safety net when I had cancer and couldn’t work. His earnings with mine have opened a world of experiences not possible otherwise. He has helped me have the confidence to push for goals I didn’t think were possible and been an inspiration to me in striving for more. These things would be even more important had we had kids. Truly so many doors would be closed had I stuck it out with the going nowhere guys from before. It’s not about money (although that helps) but it’s about wanting to live up to your potential and wanting more for yourself and those you love.

      Life is hard enough as is. Pinning yourself to someone self- sabotaging is no way to get to happiness. Perhaps it’s time to examine why you are so keen to do so?

    10. The problem sounds like his lack of self esteem. Only he can work on that. There’s sadly nothing you can do to build him up to think he is worthy of you, or a job.

    11. Sounds like my sister’s ex husband who had all the education but couldn’t hold down a job for more than a few months. He could land the job, but he couldn’t keep his enthusiasm up for it and would start failing to show up and would get fired or laid off. He had 11 jobs in 10 years. He was also hiding a fairly serious drinking problem from her.

      You don’t need this headache.

    12. I married him, and now have a 3yo with him. I do not recommend this. Mine self-sabotages too. I don’t know the pattern yours has but mine can not shake off a real or imagined insult and so relationships with his co-worker and supervisor inevitably spiral down after a few months. Arguably this behavior derives from a lack of self-confidences, but I just don’t care anymore. It’s exhausting having the full financial responsibility for our family and constantly making logistical contortions so he can interview optimally (for example, covering 100% childcare in the morning because he has an 8am interview).

    13. Being in love with someone you have to carry financially and emotionally is a huge drain.

      In my experience, this may be your reality if you get back to gather, get married to this person, and he doesn’t change: Long stretches of unemployment without unemployment benefits because the job was “too much” and my income was unilaterally deemed enough for us to get by, steadfast refusal to attempt to balance a checkbook because “I can’t,” “just not interested” in cooking (so I do it after long days as an attorney or we get take-out too frequently if I don’t have time to cook), mounds of unfolded laundry (when it gets washed), cars that are cluttered with trash, bedside tables full of dirty dishes and candy wrappers, dirty dishes overflowing from the sink because “I just didn’t get around to it,” cycles of depression, a parade of Amazon boxes delivered to our door, driver’s licenses that have been expired for years (somehow my fault for not insisting that it get renewed), and flare ups of anger that we don’t go on vacations that I’m expected to pay for.

      We did couples counseling years ago, and I unhesitatingly told the counselor that I was still in love and wanted to stay married. I’d hesitate with that answer today, even though I’m still in love. YMMV.

      1. Girl, watch Kevin Can F— Himself on AMC. You’re living that fictional reality. Don’t let it get to a point where you consider offing your husband or faking your own death to get out of the situation you’re in.

  16. Lasik or PRK stories? I’m 33, worn contacts since I was 12. Prescription is -10 in one eye, -7 in the other. I am terrified of the process and haven’t even set up an appointment to see if I qualify yet. My siblings have now all had one or the other and highly recommend. They say I’ll need reading glasses at 40 no matter what, but it’s better to have drier eyes and be able to mostly see as I age instead of needing a high prescription forever.

    1. I don’t know if you’ll qualify for LASIK with those levels, but I had it done 6ish (?) years ago and can’t believe I didn’t do it sooner. I had been wearing glasses/contacts since early elementary school. It was super easy and I was back to work with no issues the next day. 10/10 would recommend.

    2. I was -8.5 in both eyes, did Lasik five years ago (mid-40s) and it’s life changing amazing. Wish I did it years ago. Goes without saying, but go to the best place in town, with a high Rx like yours plan for it to take about a week to settle down (less likely to have an immediate miracle) so factor that into time off. It’s painless, fast, only downside is it’s expensive. But worth every penny. Oh, and reading glasses are fun – when you only need those, there’s a million cute frames that are cheap and they’re a novelty not a life or death piece of equipment.

    3. I had to have ICL (implantable lenses) rather than lasik because my vision was so bad. And I still have a bit of an astigmatism, I’m not quite 20/20 but I only wear glasses for driving at night. 10ish years ago now, and it was worth every penny.

    4. I got it done when I was 34 – best thing I’ve ever done. My perscription was also really high. Agree on going to a top notch place. I finished my appointment around 3pm and by 7pm, the itchiness stopped and I could see. Life changing.

    5. I did it almost a decade ago and highly recommend. My vision wasn’t quite as bad as yours (-6.75 in both eyes I think), and the recovery wasn’t bad at all. My vision isn’t quite as sharp as it was right after it was done (when it was better than 20/20), but I don’t need contacts or glasses. The only side effect I’ve had is dry eyes when I wake up (easily addressed with eye drops once a day).

      Like others have said, definitely go to the best doctor to have it done, even if it is more expensive. I also highly recommend asking for Valium or similar to take shortly before the procedure (I didn’t and definitely regretted it during the procedure)

    6. Hi! I had it done a little more than a year ago, when I was 36. My vision was -9 and -8. The biggest thing was not the prescription but your corneal thickness maybe? The procedure for me was awful—I don’t like “eye stuff” and it wasn’t painful but deeply uncomfortable. The one Valium they gave me did nothing. Despite what others told me, it really felt like it was a good six months before my eyesight was “normal.” Also dry eye is super common so be diligent on applying the eye drops they suggest (not just the medicine but also basic rewetting drops). Another thing: ask them about your pupil size. I did and they brushed it off, but after the procedure (to present day) I still get a lot of haze around lights and have a hard time with night vision. My doc commented on my second post-op appointment that I have big pupils and the treatment area is technically smaller than my pupils when dilated. I had no idea that was a thing and it wasn’t something we talked through before surgery. Now I take a prescription eye drop every day, especially before driving at night, to help focus and see. All in all I’m glad I did it, but with your prescription I would definitely talk for two different well-regarded docs to make sure they both agree you are a good candidate and also be prepared for longer recovery than they tell you.

    7. Oh my god- I had PRK (-10 in both eyes) and it’s AMAZING. Would 1000% recommend, I was so scared to do it and now I just wish I did it sooner.

      My only lesson learned is that recovery took a full week (I’m assuming because my vision was so bad).

    8. I did PRK when I was 23 in the Army. (They were encouraging all of us to do it as it was the height of the Iraq war and it was best not to have to worry about glasses or contacts. PRK was highly encouraged over LASIK because the “flap” left behind in LASIK could come lose in case of an IED, whereas PRK didn’t have that worry.) I’m 41 now and wear a light prescription – -.5 in one and -.75 in the other – and have for years. It’s such a mild prescription that I don’t actually have to wear anything, but it’s just enough that the lack of clarity bothers me.

      I have halos, which aren’t awesome. I don’t like driving at night, though I will go to the grocery store or something, but I won’t drive at night at all if it’s raining and we’re on the interstate. (The reflective signs, overhead lights, oncoming car lights, and wet windshield mean difficult vision for me.)

      The dryness can be a problem, particularly in the winter. My husband loves to sleep with the fan on at night, which is terrible for my eyes. I need to use an eye gel at night to protect my eyes.

      The surgeon who did my eyes was one of the most experienced in the country at the time. She was on-base and doing dozens of surgeries per week for all of us soldiers, and eye doctors who check my vision now always remark what a good job she did from whatever it is they can see back in there, so it’s not like my side effects are because I didn’t have a good surgeon.

      As far as the surgery itself, they give you some great drugs beforehand to chill you out. I wish I could feel that relaxed all the time! ha. Recovery’s not awesome – just stack your pain pills – take Tylenol, and then the heavy-duty stuff 2 hours after that, then Tylenol another 2 hours, so that you never feel the pain. If you let it get away from you (a friend tried to be a hero and not take her meds and was in excruciating pain), it’s really hard to wrestle back under control. I knew I was a wimp and stacked my meds and was mildly uncomfortable but basically fine.

      1. Fwiw, the flap heals in time, mine are completely gone. My eye doc said it’s a weird myth that it sticks around. Perhaps if you’re trying to deploy quickly, it’s an issue.

  17. I’m in consulting, and for a variety of reasons the capabilities of our people have gone down a lot in the Covid and post covid era. I have invested a lot of energy in teaching, but the degree of hand holding some of these people need is really getting to me. i am in therapy and generally working on my stress management and as a general rule ppl like working with me so I don’t think it’s coming across too much. But I am really struggling with how frustrated I am with some of my colleagues. Besides talking to my therapist about it, any suggestions? I’m concerned that if I don’t find a better way to manage it, ppl will be able to tell how annoyed I am.

    1. I think your use of “post covid era” is telling. I understand work can be frustrating but we are not in a post covid world. Half my family currently has covid for the first time and I had it a few weeks ago. People are still dealing with the trauma of covid, loss of family members, child care issues, etc. I understand that it has been 2.5 years and it is no longer 2020 but we are certainly not post covid. Try to be a little more sympathetic.

      1. Poor choice of words. Capabilities have gone down after March 2020 vs prior. I know it’s tough for everyone, and I have been kind and sympathetic to others. I am just closing all the gaps and it’s killing me. The situation is no one’s fault and just really sucks, but I just can’t keep absorbing everything and handling things that my juniors would have been able to previously but now can’t.

        I just need to find a way to be less frustrated and that’s not easy.

        1. Where are those juniors who could handle things? Were they promoted or did they move on? If your company isn’t hiring qualified employees then maybe HR needs to rethink its policies and compensation to attract better qualified employees. I’m in consulting and love it. Everyone on all my projects has been fantastic and I’ve gotten nothing but glowing reviews. I’d talk to your supervisor about the issue and consider job searching. Plus, maybe the younger generation just doesn’t want to kill themselves and isn’t down for the rise and grind hustle mentality of precious generations.

        1. Waiting to do what? Go on the subway without a mask? Probably never again. Will I give a shot what people think of me for wearing a mask on a plane is a year? Absolutely not. But it’s misleading to say post covid era. I’m not sure there will ever be a post covid era. Seems like covid will be with us for a long time if not forever.

          2. Saying post covid era indicates she’s not sympathetic to the fact that people are still dealing with getting covid, loved ones getting covid and the related hardship which could be the cause of people not living up to her pre-covid expectations.

    2. If you were a guy, why do I think you would be visibly annoyed by annoying things? And is this not important feedback for people?

      1. Right? Like waitstaff deals with this all the time. Are office workers delicate little flowers now?

        I get that there is a line b/w mild annoyance and abuse (and, honestly, waitstaff deal with all of the above more than office workers). But maybe just some botox so you don’t have a constant RBF and move on. You don’t have a problem; you just are a human being.

        1. But wait staff shouldn’t have to deal with people being passive aggressively annoyed. If you have a problem, speak up and say what it is.

    4. Are you coaching junior team members, or are your peers not meeting expectations? Because those are very different situations. If it’s the former, then you may want to talk to your manager – whether that’s from an HR perspective or project-based – and talk about how much time you should be spending developing junior staff and what the biggest priorities are so you can focus on that. If it’s peers, then that’s a whole different conversation. But in both cases, you need to have a boundary, and you need to escalate it if gaps are too big for you to manage on your own. If you’re getting that annoyed that often, then it sounds like the gaps are too big.

      1. It’s both. The problem is really propogating because our newer crop of managers are just not where they would have been if circumstances had been different, and they are the ones doing most of the coaching with super new people. I’m a partner so the options for escalation are fewer and less clear. Also my ability to do anything about it is greater, but I’m just not sure what that is.

        1. That’s totally different than what I imagined from your initial post, so thank you for the clarification! Is there any way for you to implement or at least advocate for an across the board up-or-out skills improvement initiative? Maybe starting with the managers?

    6. I left consulting last year and mainly agree with what you’re saying, but now having a year on the other side of the fence, I realize how much partners screwed their people during COVID and based on the emails I get from former team members and counselees looking to get out, the poor leadership cycle is continuing.

      I think it’s a combination of factors: a lot of good people left as part of the Great Resignation (at least at my old firm), the people getting promoted to manager now were remote during the 2 years when they should have been developing management chops and totally missed the memo on mentoring and building follower-ship, and partners are just totally burned out and miserable and treating their teams poorly which leads to more turnover and no desire for those under them to build their practice.

      I think it might help to ask open ended questions of some of your SM/directors about what pressure they have, how their teams are feeling, what do they need, etc. You may feel that you already know the answers to this and there’s nothing you can do, but if you are in a position to make improvements in either your practice or day to day leadership, some small style tweaks and encouraging your team to invest in their people could go a long way.

  18. Please tell me your favorite soap and bodywash recommendations, especially scent free and moisturizing! My boyfriend recently moved in, and his strongly scented “male” bodywashes make me sneeze. I use Burts Bees, which he says dries out his skin.

    1. No need to have just one if you each like different ones. If the scent of his is a problem just lingering in the air (even if you don’t use it), then ask him to switch to a less scented one of his choice.

      1. +1. This is the only commercial-brand soap I’ve tried that doesn’t leave me mummified.

      2. +1. Our whole family uses the classic dove bar, anything else irritates my skin or my migraines.

      4. Dove bar makes my head very unhappy (migraines) and skin even more so (dry and cracked), so it’s not universal.

    3. Dove bars. DH uses it too. Have used on my kids since they were babies so shouldn’t be drying. I like the bar soaps to avoid unnecessary plastic packaging (still have the shrink wrap that the boxes come in but still).

    4. I don’t like body wash because it seems wasteful and I don’t like scents. I just use a cheap, basic bar soap from Trader Joe’s, I think it’s called honey oatmeal, though it doesn’t really smell of anything that I can tell. I also use their face cleanser, which works well on my extremely sensitive skin. Husband seems happy to use both of these as well.

    5. Dove lavender. Because the regular one makes my husband sneeze. Also neutrogena rainbath.

    6. I’ve been using the green one from Peach via Grove. I like it! It’s some sort of scent (green tea maybe?) but it’s very light and I can’t smell it on my skin after I shower. I just sniffed my arm to test lol. I also like the pink bar from Peach as well (raspberry something?) that’s supposed to be more moisturizing.

      Prior to those, I used classic Ivory soap!

    9. Vanicream Free & Clear is legit scent free and gentle on skin.

      Walmart has some inoffensively scented liquid castile soaps and that “EO” brand that has gentler scents. I don’t find them drying, but I never compared them to Burt’s.

      I’m weird about moisturizing formulas if they seem to leave my skin filmy? I would rather just slap on some tub cerave after I get out of the shower.

      1. +1. My husband and I have super sensitive and dry skin. We have used and like Cerave hydrating body wash, Vanicream gentle body wash, Cetaphil gentle skin cleanser, and La Roche Posay Lipikar AP Body and Face Wash.

        1. I’m going to check out this Vanicream body wash. I love their daily facial moisturizer and have replaced some really expensive moisturizers with it. (Bye Drunk Elephant, bye Tatcha.)

    10. My male friends like Cerave foaming cleanser [the one litre bottle with a pump dispenser] as it says “face & body wash”, which appeals to their manly-multitasking personas and it is perfume-free and non-drying. It takes me a year to go through one bottle.

    11. I like the body washes from Saltair. They have an unscented version and I find my skin isn’t quite so dry.

  19. Has anyone ever had their roots done so poorly that the grays show through immediately? I moved, went to a new place to get my roots done (I have medium dark brown straight hair) and she did such a poor job that my roots look a little blended but are definitely showing. I think she tried to do my roots in light brown despite my insisting that no, my hair is not light brown.

    Argh, I don’t want to go back to there to get her to fix it but definitely am going to need to get this done again before my usual 5-6 weeks.

    1. I would call the salon. Usually, something like this would be touched up for free if it had been like a week and it was visibly off. My stylist friends have mentioned that sometimes you just… don’t get somebody’s mix right on the first shot.

      I personally would probably switch to a new salon if the stylist didn’t ‘get it’ after this time.

  20. pugsnbourbon here – I am a PM and I came into it in a roundabout way. I started out working in admin and operations, where I got the opportunity to handle some smaller projects. From there I moved into a project coordinator role and gradually took on more responsibility until I was leading projects on my own. I don’t have my PMP but I’ve done about half the work I need to get there.

    I love that I’m always learning something new on the job. I like bringing together different experts and driving toward a common goal, and seeing a completed project is really gratifying. Red tape is a hassle and you’ll always have to have a Plan A/B/C/Z. As far as breaking into the field, start with “coordinator” level jobs at organizations that promote from within and/or have good professional development programs. Good luck!

    1. chiming in here as well, although my path into PM may not apply (initially was on a path to attain the kind of role that I am supporting now as PM). My company often promotes from within when people outgrow the admin role, but if you have a bachelors, and maybe some PM experience, you could absolutely be a contender. PM experience can also come from volunteer work, especially event planning.
      Look for jobs with ‘operations’ in the title.
      If the kind of work sounds attractive to you, follow your gut and learn more about it! I have really found my niche and am thriving in it. In a company with a good work culture, I feel appreciated and valued for the work I do and that I am making a real contribution and make the whole team look good.

  21. Getting on an international flight tonight – send me your best book suggestions to while away the hours. I like mysteries (so long as no dead kids or animals), spy novels, interesting nonfiction, fantasy, scifi…basically anything except literary fiction that dwells on either trauma or the Emptiness of Modern American Life. Also dislike multigenerational sagas.

    Examples of things I like: Agatha Christie, Gideon the Ninth, The Ten Thousand Doors of January, the entire Ilona Andrews oeuvre.

    Also would love suggestions of narrative podcasts – fiction or nonfiction but no true crime and nothing drearily socially improving – I’m looking for escapism. My faves include The Black Tapes, The White Vault, The Lovecraft Investigations.

    1. If you like Agatha Christie, maybe try Ruth Ware? I love One By One, The Woman in Cabin 10, and am currently gripped by the audiobook of In a Dark, Dark Wood. (Don’t go for the Lying Game – dead animals + fear for children’s safety.)

    3. I prefer slightly lighter reads for plane travel. In the scifi/fantasy realm – I think you might like the Honor Raconteur case files of henri davenforth, naomi novik’s spinning silver or uprooted (the golden enclaves trilogy is great as long as you don’t mind that the 3rd won’t be out till tomorrow). Seanan McGuire’s incrytpid series is lighter than some of her other works and you can dip in/out of them more easily than the october day/wayward children ones. The light from uncommon stars and anything by Becky Chambers is great (the monk and robot are novellas vs. the wayfairers books). If you don’t mind romcom, Nora Goes off Script, and One Last Stop were two I read and enjoyed recently – and Jasmine Guillory’s books are always a delight.

      1. Agree with InCryptids series for a lighter read, I’ll also throw in Lisa Shearin’s SPI Files novels for lighter urban fantasy reads.

        If OP hasn’t read the Goblin Emperor/Cemeteries of Amalo series yet, the first book is high fantasy of manners, the second two are set in the same world but more of detective stories.

      2. Ha, you are definitely on my wavelength because I’ve read half of these things and loved them – so I’ll check out the ones I haven’t, thanks!

    4. The third book in the Gideon the Ninth series just came out. Fair warning, though: I loved the first book, liked the second, and only got 20% through the third before giving up and returning it to the library. The kindle app was telling me I had 5 hours left in the book and there was just no way I wanted to spend that much time being annoyed at how deliberately it was obscuring how it related to any of the rest of the series while also finding the story boring. YMMV on whether you enjoy that kind of thing.

      1. This. I was so annoyed at the second book that I donated it and voved to only read the 3rd through my library. Some people loved it and found the meandering ‘look at how clever I am by not telling you anything directly’ storytelling meaningful whereas I very much did not.

        1. Yes, exactly! It annoyed me in the second book too, but there was enough I liked to keep me going. But when the third book was even worse, I’d just had enough. I wouldn’t even bother getting it from the library unless you like being irritated while reading.

    5. Leigh Bardugo’s Grishaverse books. Shadow & Bone is the first trilogy, but the Six of Crows duology is better and you’d probably like it more if you liked Gideon the Ninth/Ten Thousand Doors of January. I think you can probably read them before Shadow & Bone and they still make sense.

      1. I’ll second these. I agree that Six of Crows is better and the first Shadow & Bone book is actually the weakest of them all, so I’m glad I kept reading despite being iffy on the first book.

      2. Ah, I’ve actually already read all of those, but it’s very much the sort of thing that I like.

        1. Have you read any Brandon Sanderson? I like all of his stuff, but for a light read, his recent Skyward series is great (there’s currently 3 books out, will be a 4th, and unlike Certain Authors who keep you waiting over a decade for the next book in a series, he is super prolific so you never have to wait more than a year)

    6. For mystery/thriller books, I like Ruth Ware, Mary Kubica, Riley Sager and Lucy Foley.

      The Maise Dobbs series is good. For something fun and light, I like the Royal Spyness series from Rhys Bowen.

    7. I just read Chris Hadfield’s lunar spy thriller – The Apollo Murders – it it was EXCELLENT. Some reviewers complain about the technical detail but, come on, that’s why I wanted to read a book by an actual astronaut!

    8. Mysteries and spy novels – how about a bunch of Kate Quinn stuff? Rose Code, Alice Network, Huntress, Diamond Eye.

      1. Ooh, and I’ll add Kate Atkinson now that you say that – Life After Life has spy themes and I believe she also has a series of mysteries. (I always get these two Kates mixed up!)

    9. If you’re a fan of Ruth Ware and other light thrillers, you have to try Megan Goldin’s Escaqpe Room or her new one Stay Awake. So good. I’m always shocked she isn’t better known.

    10. for podcasts, The Magnus Archives! it’s the best for spooky narrative. starts episodic, a meta framing story develops. And the best voice of the narrator.

      1. Louise Penny x 10,000! She’s such a beautiful writer and her stories are engaging. I love reading them to hear about life in Quebec, the same way I read Agatha Christie to hear about life in English villages or on a dig in Mesopotamia!

  22. I wanted to share an update after asking here if anyone had experience with the brand Status Anxiety. I went ahead and ordered the Abandon bag along with a belt for me and a wallet for my DH. Placed the order Monday afternoon and it arrived on Friday, which was faster than I expected. Everything was well-packed in a single compact box, with the bag and belt each in their own dust bag and padding on all hardware. The quality seems really solid – nice materials, no missed stitches or hanging threads, sturdy zippers, feet on the bag. I’m pretty sure I love it all, although I haven’t carried the bag yet. So far, A+ experience, highly recommend!

    I will note that the handle drop on the bag may be too short for some people to comfortably wear over a shoulder. It’s great for me, but a tad shorter than other totes I’ve had.

  23. It’s that time of year where it’s cold at night but still in the high 60s/low 70s during the day. It’s lovely outside but my apartment never warms up during the day. I’m uncomfortably cold in the apartment but obviously it is absurd to turn on the heat. Any tips on warming the apartment? Unfortunately most of the windows in my apartment were inexplicably painted shut

    1. Layers + warm slippers. Blanket over your lap if needed. Focus on warming yourself, rather than warming the apartment.

        1. Why would the outside temperature matter? She’s inside and she’s cold. Turn on the heat.

          1. OP here: I have a mental block about turning on the heat when it’s in the 70s – It’s bad for the planet and my wallet!

          2. Does it have to be all or nothing? Maybe turn it on for a bit in the morning to warm the place up a little, then turn it off.

    7. Fleece long underwear under fleece pants. Which is what I am wearing right now in Minnesota.

    9. Get your windows unstuck? That seems unsafe, in addition to being annoying when it is warmer outdoors than inside.

      In the meantime, turn the heat on long enough to warm the place up, turn it off, and let the residual warmth linger. Open curtains during the day to let the sun warm things, close them at night to keep the heat from escaping through the glass. Dress in cozy clothes inside. Bake something. Drink tea.

      1. I have been trying but I think they’ve been pained shut for several years and several layers of paint… I have a balcony so there is a point of egress

        1. I have a balcony door as the only operable “window” in one of my rooms. I got a bug-proof screen (for like 20 bucks from the river-named place) that covers the opening, so I can use it as a window without bugs flying in as it gets dark. Might help in your situation?

    10. Warm socks and slippers make a big difference, as does keeping my neck and chest warm, so definitely no low cut shirts or sweaters and pullovers and hoodies work better than cardigans or zip up sweatshirts. After that, a blanket on your lap, fingerless gloves, or a heating pad. And then, if you’re still cold, turn on the heat for an hour or so. It doesn’t have to be an all or nothing thing.

  24. Has anyone had a love language mismatch in a marriage / relationship? How did you deal with it?

    1. My friend who is getting divorced has this. Make sure that “love language mismatch” isn’t a euphemism for someone who doesn’t listen to you or care about you. That was her mistake.

      1. +100 from someone who spent a very long time in therapy dissecting this exact statement after a tumultuous relationship that should have ended years earlier than it did

    2. Yes, absolutely. The way you deal with it is by having a partner that is willing to learn your LL and provide love the way you receive it (and you also have to be willing to do the same). So for example, my top two are quality time and words of affirmation. My bf’s are affection and acts of service. I show my love to him by ensuring that I am affectionate with him even when it may not come naturally to me and doing tasks around the house that I notice he has appreciated or doesn’t have time to do (such as pick up something he is out of at the grocery store without asking). He ensures that he carves out time to spend together even if it’s not date date time, such as sitting together on the couch while he is doing a little work and I am reading but we are touching each other (like my legs over his lap or whatever). This is QT for me and is great. He also makes sure to use his words to provide me reassurances and affirmation and doesn’t flinch when I ask for them if I am in need.

      1. Almost all my close girlfriends and their SOs are different. Some make it work bc they have caring partners and others struggle because they misunderstand LL or aren’t willing to do the work.

      2. yep, both sides make an effort in both directions. Muster up some appreciation for SO showing you affection in their LL, make an effort to reciprocate in their LL, and expect the same from the SO to adapt to yours. Communication is of course key in all of this.

    3. You and your partner make a conscious effort to demonstrate love in the way the other partner receives it.

      I am an acts of service person; my husband believes anyone over the age of 2 is fully capable of doing literally anything they could possibly need for themselves. It was a source of stress early on in our relationship (we now refer to one epic meltdown on my part as The Mini Blinds Event 😂), but he often does things for me because he knows it makes me happy. We frequently talk about “buckets being empty” and the like.

      Like someone above said, don’t confuse mismatched LLs for not being a good match overall.

    4. I think the person above is right about making sure that the love language mismatch is the issue. My love language is quality time. I love running errands with my husband. He thinks it’s a waste of time but he knows it makes me happy so he usually concedes unless we’re in a time crunch. His love language is words of affirmation. I HATE them. I hate compliments. I think talk is so cheap, but I know that it matters to him. I take the time to thank him when he does something or I tell him he looks attractive. We both think the others love language is silly, but we care enough about one another to put in the effort.

      1. YES! You do it because you know it’s important to your spouse. That’s good enough reason even if you think it’s silly. Both sides need to have that kind of commitment for this not to be exhausting.

    5. I just accepted that my husband isn’t a gift giver and will never do grand gestures. I request and plan my own presents and we’re both happier. He gets up with the baby and cleans the kitchen and makes great money and makes me laugh. There just isn’t a diamond bracelet I’d trade for that.

    6. My husband and I have very different love languages – mine is words of affirmation and his is acts of service. It’s probably the thing I struggle with the most in our relationship, because I’m a very literal person and need to be told things, whereas in his head it’s: “well duh I love you, look at all the different ways I show you by doing xyz around the house!” We probably have a small argument about it every 6 months or so (usually coinciding with that time of the month when I tend to be more sensitive). We’ve been together for 7 years now and married for 3, and continue to get better at speaking each others languages. I’ve learned to recognize when he does little things like fill up my gas for me, and he’s learning to be more vocal. He’s also learned that even if we’re not doing gifts for our anniversary, etc that I still expect a card – he thinks it’s silly, but does it anyway because he knows it makes me happy. I think that last part is the key.

  25. Help me shop. Looking for a new purse that is big enough to fit a DSLR camera – not a huge one, price range $800-$2000, that actually has some method of closure. Doesn’t need to be a zipper, but a big open bucket bag won’t work. Before you suggest it, I already have proper camera bags, and more casual nylon bags – basically all the stuff you’d take hiking. This is filling a particular niche where the purse needs to have a bit a clout (price of admission… let’s not debate the merits of that) which happens to be big enough for a camera.

    2. YSL sac de jour or the prada leather tote? Those were the go-to ‘I need to haul a lot of stuff but I’m a senior partner and don’t want/like the look of the Neverful’ bags in my Big 4 days. Fwiw you can find the YSL sacs on the real real pretty easily. The Celine Sangle is also gorgeous but I don’t think it zips, just fastens.

      1. Can here to say sac du jour. I run in circles where a few grand on a handbag has plenty of clout but tens of thousands just feels like a fashion victim. More power to you at 11:19 if tens of thousands on a handbag is clout where you are!

    3. I have two Christian Louboutin bags and love both of them. They are on the lower end of designer bag price points, which keeps in your range. I have the Cabarock in red and the large leather tote in a super deep navy. Neither zip, but they have a hook that closes in the middle.

      Look at Rebecca Minkoff as well. I feel like they are great mid price bags with a range of styles. I have a hobo that easily fits my laptop and such that might work for you.

    4. I’d look at Anya Hindmarch for this. Lots of her bags lean into the ‘I have stuff to organise’ niche and she’s a cool designer too imo. (My new job gift to myself earlier this year was one of her I Am A Plastic Bag bags)

    5. I would get the Celine mini belt bag (you can find them pre-owned) or the Polene numero un.

    6. It might not be sufficiently clout-y, but the Lo & Sons Claremont is sized for a DSLR and looks really nice. I don’t have it — I have a mirrorless that easily fits in a lot of small/medium bags.

    7. Maybe look at Strathberry or Aspinal of London? Both offer structured, sturdy bags.

    8. I’d look at The Row or BOYY for something statusy, but also in the IFYKYK category.

    9. Chloe Marcie (either medium or large depending on the specific camera). I typically carry as a regular purse but have totally jammed my camera into it a few times. And it’s a classic style, so more easily recognized than some other bags, which probably meets your “clout” needs.

  26. Am I not seeing the emperor’s new clothes here? How can a pair of pants be worth $998? Nothing unusual in the design. The fabric is nice, wool/silk, but as a sewist I could buy that – retail – at under $50 per yard, 2 ½ yards would do it. Manufacturing and distribution costs would be the same as any other clothing company.

  27. I love sweaters. They’re my favorite type of clothing to buy, but I live in the SEUS and work from home. I probably need less than 5, but I tried to donate some this weekend and I like 25 all of them. Does anyone have a good way to rationalize clothes when they all “spark joy”?

    2. If you’re wearing them all and have space for them, I don’t think you need to get rid of them!

      1. +1, pretty sure this is also part of the Kondo method! And I share your penchant for a nice sweater, OP.

      2. Sweaters last a really long time if you care for them well. If you love all 25, I would keep them all but slow way down on buying new ones for a few years. I live in the northeast and I wish I had 25 sweaters I loved!

    3. If you’re wearing all/most of them somewhat regularly, I don’t think it’s an issue.

    4. I agree that there’s no need to donate them if you wear them and have storage space. That said, sweaters tend to show wear with use–so check your collection very carefully for pilling, snags, stains, etc. If you can’t easily fix them with a wash/drycleaning + sweater shaver, then those are easy ones to let go.

    5. I keep a few somewhat permanently (they come home to be washed from time to time) at work to have on hand when the a/c gets a bit aggressive.

  28. Anon for this – would you consider having your first and only child at age 37 for you, age 49 for DH?

    12 year age difference between us. We tried getting pregnant when I was in my early 30s but weren’t able to and didn’t want to pursue IVF so we moved on with our Manhattan DINK life – bought an apartment, going out many nights a week, travel about 6 times a year. Recently though without trying we discovered and resolved an unrelated med issue and drs are pretty convinced that with it resolved we could conceive now.

    I have some doubts – as genetic matter has gotten older for both, I feel like there are more chances of problems. Moreso I can’t get past the idea that DH would be 68 when a child graduates high school and 72 for college.

    IDK from seeing men in my own family and being a nurse, I feel like guys in their 70s start to check out. Like they can only be concerned with THEIR health issues or how dare THEIR mail was late and lose that true care for others. DH laughs it off and also says so what the child will be out of the house. But IDK to me the emotional support, advice, and logistic support you get from parents in late high school, college sets you up in life in a way that cheering on the sidelines at 6 year old soccer just doesn’t. And if I’m being truly honest IDK if DH gets that 5 years from now we’d be on a school schedule. He’s the one who will have a lousy week and be like take Friday off, let’s go to Paris or Vegas – that would be done. But then IDK are these significant enough reasons to deny us parenthood?

    1. So I had my first at 39 (husband was 46), and am pregnant with my second at 42, so my husband will be 50 when kiddo is born. However, I have stepkids, so my husband is already accustomed to dad life. It can definitely be the case that someone who is a good partner for a DINK lifestyle isn’t the right person to raise kids with – only you can know that. And only you can know if this is something you yourself want – I can’t entirely tell, from your post.

    2. So, my cousin was 39 and her husband was 47 when they had their first and only child. They got married when she was 36 or 37 (I can’t remember!) and knew they wanted kids so started trying immediately and it just took them a few years. Baby just turned 2 so I can’t comment on the long-term viability of it but they both seem SO HAPPY. I am so thrilled for them. They are both artists and so their lifestyle has changed a lot since having their son, but they were very happy to make that change. YMMV with DH.

    3. Nowhere in your post do you say you really want to have a child. Here is an internet stranger’s permission to accept your DINK life. You’re allowed to be happy without a child even if you can biologically have one.

      1. This. And as a DINK, no way would I give it up at the ages you both are. 37 now means a kid at 39 or 40, which is fine is you really want them and life worked out that way, but no thanks personally to being old parents.

          1. Statistically, it’s tougher to get pregnant in the later 30s, so it’s likely to take her longer to conceive and then you have 9 months of pregnancy. If she starts trying right away and is successful in the first 3 months, then maybe sure has a baby at 38 but very possible it takes a good deal longer. Yes, experiences vary (I got pregnant at 39 within 3 months, but that’s a statistical outlier.)

      2. Yup. (And fwiw not a DINK myself. I have a child I adore. It just does not sound to me like you really want to be a parent and that’s ok.)

    4. I wouldn’t do it. Especially with the age of your DH. Have you talked to him about it? How does he feel? You both have to be absolutely on board before having a kid. If he is lukewarm now don’t expect things to get better after the child is born.

    5. Anecdata: my FIL remarried in his late 50s (when my spouse was in his early 20s), had two kids with his second wife. He’s a devoted, loving, and supportive dad to these late-life kids, much more than he was during my spouse’s childhood, when he was building his career and almost entirely absent as a father figure.

    6. I would not have a child under those circumstances. I’m sorry but your husband is old. Also- did I read that correctly? He’ll have a lousy week and cure it by jetting across an ocean for a weekend? If that’s your current lifestyle, I think having a baby will be such an enormous life change he will not be able to handle it.

    8. I was your age and DH was 50 when we had our first, with a second 4 years later. The kids are grown now. He was an actively involved, hands on dad throughout their entire childhood. It really comes down to what the two of you want.

      1. This is my take. I am almost 45 and pregnant so obviously come at this from a different angle and have other kids so while my time in the trenches will be extended it won’t be anything new. My husband is younger at 42 so I am the old one. It entirely depends on what you want. We are baby people, love having a large family and couldn’t imagine not going for the Hail Mary Pass.

    9. Do you BOTH want children now? It doesn’t sound like you do, more like you’re intrigued by the idea.

    10. My parents were both 37 when I was born, they were great parents, and in general I have no concerns about anyone’s parental age. That said, you sound like you have a number of concerns about parenting with your particular spouse and they sound reasonable to me. FWIW, there’s nothing magic that happens to men at 70 and it gives *me* pause that he seems to be agreeing with you that he’s just going to check out at that point rather than pushing back.

    11. Do you and your husband both WANT to have a kid at this point? It is hard to tell from your post. If the answer is yes, then yes, you should go for it.

      Plenty of people (especially in Manhattan) have kids at those ages. You would definitely not be the oldest mom in any class.

    13. My parents had me when they were both 40 and they were way better parents to me than they were to my brother (who they had in their twenties). My dad is 66 now and the kindest, most supportive, loving, insightful, wise person I know (and my best friend). He’s super healthy and goes mountain-biking, and an awesome grandpa to the little ones in our family (he is the only adult who will go in the bouncy house with them at birthdays!).

      Life isn’t black-and-white, and everyone is different. You get to create the life you want and don’t need to try to figure out what the “right” decision is.

      With a decision this big, I think you have to cut out the noise and go with what you truly want. You’re not too old – you should do it if you want to and worry about the rest when it comes to it. If you love your DINK lifestyle though and would prefer to stick to it, take that route and don’t feel guilty.

      Ask your husband what he wants, also. Does he want kids and is open to making the sacrifices it would entail? If so, don’t worry about him getting old or men in their 70s being crochety (this isn’t a real thing and is entirely person-specific).

      There’s no right or wrong here, and no one needs to give you permission either way. Just do whatever feels like your core desire and aligns with your values and what you want for your life.

    14. After a long, sad road to starting a family with my first husband, I ended up married to my second husband and pregnant by age 36. He was 45 when our first was born. He’s a great dad. Both of our kids are in college now, he’s 66 and he’s retired. He’s the parent who will drop everything to go pick one of them up if they want to come home for the weekend. He’s the one who still takes our son camping (daughter is uninterested), he’s the parent who takes them to Disneyland and walks 11 miles in a day, and he’s generally the fun parent.

      It really depends on the person. Aging is different for everyone.

    15. My parents had me in their late 30s, they had kids because that’s what they thought they were supposed to do. I was a latchkey kid and my parents functionally went back to acting like dinks when I was about 11 and started to care for myself exclusively.

    16. If you want a child right now, I don’t think your ages have to stop you. Men in their 70s don’t have to “check out.” I think it really depends on their personalities and who they have depending on them. The three men in my life who are over 70 are engaged and supportive fathers and grandfathers. The 76-year-old and 73-year-old are both still working full-time.

      But this sounds like it would be a huge lifestyle change now. As a parent with a 7-year-old, I can’t really go out to a nice dinner with my husband at the last minute, let alone decide on Friday that I want to go to Paris or Vegas for the weekend. Give yourself permission not to have children if you’re happy now.

      I also think it’s important to keep in mind that there may be problems, whether related to being older parents or not. This may end with you not being able to get pregnant. Or there may be genetic abnormalities. Or by chance, your child could have ADHD or autism unrelated to what you can predict. What does your life look like if your child has a disability or special needs? I don’t know that you can ever be really prepared for something like that, but you need to be able to imagine parenting a child who does not fit into a narrow idea of ability and accomplishment and may dramatically change the routines of your family life. (I say this as someone who is reimagining life with and for our child.)

    17. As others have said, it’s really not about age. It’s not too late, by any means. The question is you and your husband personally – do you want to be parents? I’m not seeing anything in your post that indicates that you do.

      I will also say that often we tend to marry people who are like the people we grew up with – “women marry their fathers” is a trope for a reason. If you see this pattern of selfishness and checking out in your family, and are concerned about it in your husband, definitely listen to that little voice inside. No anecdote on this board from a woman whose husband was a super dad in his 50s can tell you as much as you can tell yourself from knowing your husband as well as you do.

  29. Is Lulu’s “Make Me Blush Lavender Floral Print Tiered Maxi Dress” too casual for a wedding with a “beach formal” dress code? The event is outdoors at 5pm at a Mexican resort in January. Men don’t have to wear ties or tuxes, and we may be in the sand. The couple’s linked reference guide (Brides article) states that formal dresses should be solid – Is this a hard and fast rule? As for the dress itself, the main thing giving me pause is the smocking in the back, but it doesn’t look too obvious or sundressy in person. If this dress is a no-go, any suggestions? 5’1” and 34AA, Asian descent, with a budget of $150ish. Thanks!!

      1. I agree. It’s a beach wedding in Mexico. It should be pretty chill and idk what the solid dress requirement is about. I’m

      2. I’d interpret ‘beach formal’ as flats + a flowy long dress that is clearly not a swimsuit coverup. I’d think that dress is fine.

    2. I think any wedding with a “beach formal” dress code does not have any “hard and fast rules.”

    3. I’ve never heard that ‘rule’ before and don’t see it in effect at any weddings I’ve attended recently. That looks great for a dressy beach wedding.

    4. I honestly don’t understand a dress code for a beach wedding that has the word “formal” in it, but it’s a lovely dress and I can’t image it being anything other than appropriate.

  30. Does anyone have suggestions for products or online tutorials for makeup for a fall family photo shoot outside? Due to scheduling issues, it will be early in the morning so I won’t have time to get my hair and makeup done. I have narrow eyes and small lids so my eyes often come off looking shut in photos. Big lips and cheeks though. Should I get lash extensions? I will be wearing a wine/maroon sweater dress. I have a ton of makeup but would not be opposed to picking up specific products/colors. I would like to practice at home ahead of the shoot. Thanks.

    1. Yes to lash extensions (just get them at least a week before so you can also wear eye makeup) or false lashes. Natural light is pretty forgiving so I’d focus on a good lipstick shade. For hair, blow it out and style as you would for something nice and you’ll look great. I’d spend more time finding an outfit you love and take some pics in a mirror to check how it looks ahead of time.

  31. As a single person who feels like I will never get out of renting, I’d love to poll the hive on their first home purchase, if you’re game…maybe I’m not the outlier I feel that I am.

    1. Year when you bought your first home
    2. Your age/relationship status at the time
    3. How much you put down
    4. Where you got your down payment (saved alone, saved with partner, parent help, etc)

    1. Bought a condo with fiance at 24 and 26, but received assistance with down payment from his parents. (He received a full ride for college, so to keep things even, they gave him the same amount of money they spent on his brother’s private school tuition.)

    2. 1. Purchased in 2020 pre-pandemic
      2. I was 26 and married
      3. We put down 10% in a HCOL city
      4. DH and I saved the down payment ourselves without any help.

    3. 1. 2008 (epic fail)
      2. 26 and single (and of course immediately met my now husband and had to move a few years later)
      3. $30K
      4. inheritance (otherwise it would have taken me another five years!)

    4. I’m not helpful – I bought my first house at 23 because I was in the Army and had (and still have) the $0 down VA loan. Have you looked into first time buyer programs?

    5. 1. 2019
      2. 23 and newly married, but not actively house hunting, oops
      3. 20%, but our house was super cheap
      4. Saved alone & with partner. Parent help if you count being supported through my college years/them taking the majority of the burden of our wedding. We were able to lowkey flip that house (because it was pretty scruffy when we moved in) and save a bunch throughout the subsequent years, which springboarded us to the house we are in now in another state.

    6. I was 24 (turned 25 the week I moved in), single, in 2018/19 (moved in in 2019 but the process began in 2018).
      I put down £40k on a £240k flat (Scottish system requires lots of cash in hand). Three quarters of that came from the sale of my grandad’s house – he died at the start of 2018 and the proceeds from his house were split between the grandchildren equally. The rest (and all of the additional costs) came from my own savings.

      That being said, I’m selling up and going back to renting while I figure my life out and where I want to be. While it seemed like the right move at the time, it’s rooted me in a place that I don’t want to stay in anymore, and I would probably have left and gone back ‘home’ in 2020-21 if I had been renting still.

      (Extra information that’s pertinent – I get an excellent matched contribution into my country’s equivalent of the 401k, so I’m not so worried about my finances in retirement, it’s the 30-40 years until I get to that money that’s more pertinent to my decision making).

    7. Bought our first house in 2018 at age 26. Was dating my now husband at the time, but we got engaged the day we closed on our house. We only put down 5% and used our savings but also had some money from my husband’s parents that we used to furnish the house, which we were incredibly grateful for. So glad we bought when we did!

    8. 1. 2006
      2. 25, married to a 35 YO, recent first-time parents, working hard in low-paying but steady jobs without much prospect for meaningful growth at that time
      3. Zero down, (hello PMI)
      4. We knew we could afford a mortgage payment but also knew the cost of rent in our area meant there was no realistic path for us to save a down payment in a reasonable timeframe. We found a respectable local program that helped first-time homebuyers with no down payment determine which mortgage products they were eligible for and help them avoid pitfalls and predatory traps. They supported us through the application process and made sure we knew what the guidelines were for the programs we were eligible to use. We did not have family to fall back on so this turned out to be life-changing for us.

    10. Bought my townhouse in 2010, I was 32. Absolutely unintentionally timed the market and could not afford it now. Single the whole time (though I did have roommates for multiple years and have been lucky with the folks I had, i could always afford on my own just with fewer extras and more budgeting). Saved the down payment (20% of $430k, would now cost close to twice that) on my own but got a good start in my mid20s when I got a 6-month salary payout after a layoff and started a new job right away.

    11. Spouse and I purchased our first home in the Triangle MLS area of NC for $125k in 2013, one year after graduating undergrad. He was entering law school and the mortgage was less expensive than apartment rent. We used a USDA rural development loan and put no money down. The gains on that home gave us the down payment to jump into a larger home upon graduation, which snowballed into two more homes after subsequent moves. We did not have any parental help, and we did not have any significant savings. The USDA program was the single biggest catalyst for our home ownership journey.

    13. 2009, 28, single, townhouse. I lived in a LCOL city and put down 3.5% (around 4K), which was the minimum under an FHA loan at the time. I couldn’t have done it without the first time homebuyer credit, which was 8K and covered the down payment and furniture for the bedroom and living room. I honestly don’t know how people can save up for down payments these days. We netted 40K when I sold it in 2018 and we moved into a SFH. Between skyrocketing prices, increased mortgage interest rates, and increased HOA fees, it would actually cost me more every month to buy that 2 bed/2.5 bathroom place than I currently pay for 4/2.5 house.

    14. 1. 2015
      2. 1 year married, saving jointly as a couple for 4-5 years
      3. 20%
      4. We funded 60% of it and then borrowed 40% from my parents. We paid it back with interest to them within two years (I have a very chunky compensation structure which allowed us to do this). We were prepared to buy it with less down and pay PMI, but my parents kindly presented the offer to help us avoid the PMI so we took it.

      House was just under $500k, if it matters.

    15. 1. 2009
      2. 29 and single
      3. 3% conventional loan
      4. Saved alone (I live in an LCOL market and my first house was $160k)

    16. 20 and working my way through school full time. Bought a super cheap house with almost nothing down (FHA first time homebuyer program) in a working class neighborhood and looked on in envy while my friends got much nicer places… but it’s paid off now and that’s a nice feeling.

    17. 1. Year when you bought your first home: 2015
      2. Your age/relationship status at the time: 28, engaged
      3. How much you put down: 0% (VA home loan as spouse is a veteran)
      4. Where you got your down payment (saved alone, saved with partner, parent help, etc) – We had to put some money down when we were building the house (around $10k – which was my emergency fund), but that was refunded when we closed.

      This had a huge impact on our net worth. We sold the house this year for double what we paid in 2015, and none of this would have been possible if my spouse hadn’t been a veteran. We were also fortunate to live in what was a MCOL area that has rapidly appreciated.

    19. 1. 2017
      2. 33. Married, two kids.
      3. $40k; 20%
      4. My grandfather had left us the money in his will. Never would’ve been able to buy a house at that time otherwise (significant student loans, modest income, preschool bills, very competitive local housing market.)

    20. 1. 2014
      2. 29 and single
      3. 20%, which was $110k
      4. Savings from working in biglaw. A lot of it was from 2 bonuses. I made the decision to prioritize purchasing a house over paying off my student loans, which worked out well for me since I was still able to pay off the loans before leaving biglaw. It’s now 8 years later, and i’m in government with a lower salary. Most of my friends who spent years in biglaw purchased a place but not a single one of my non-attorney friends owns a home. If you live in a HCOL city, it’s really hard to buy anything, especially if single, unless you either have family money or a very, very high paying job. Based on the answers you have gotten so far, it seems like a very skewed sample.

    21. 1. 2005
      2. 22/just gotten married
      3. 0, it was a first-time home buyer’s program
      4. did not put anything down

      2005 was a weird time for mortgages. My husband was working and in grad school and I was not working and was in law school and the bank gave us a loan they probably shouldn’t have, although the monthly payment including taxes and insurance was about the same as the rent we were paying on our apartment so we could afford it. We still have that house as a rental. We live in a LCOL state and the area we bought that first house in was kind of on the outskirts of town at the time. The area has developed a lot and the house is worth a lot more now.

    22. I’ll play, the reverse.
      I’m single. I’m 35.
      I’ve rented, lived alone, since I was 20.
      I was planning on buying in 2021, but given the pandemic, I couldn’t get my act together in time and couldn’t swallow the then-insane interest (lol I know).
      I expect $0 financial support from anyone for down payment. I expect my parents, who are still alive, and my siblings, will come to an informal housewarming party and my parents will probably give me something they lovingly selected at Goodwill that I will throw away after they leave (mismatched set of dishes, punch bowl, etc.) and my siblings will probably give me food or beer.
      I have $50k between cash and retirement, combined.

    23. 2017, 32 and engaged, 20% (on 347k purchase price. We’re in a lowish COL area. I say lowish because Zillow now thinks our house is worth $550k 5 years later), and saved. The downpayment came out of my savings, but fiance and I had been living together for years, so he helped in the sense he was paying some of our regular living costs.

    24. 1 – 39 (months from 40) – spouse was 47
      2 – married
      3 – approx 98K (15%)
      4 – primarily partner savings, some inheritance and my savings, borrowed from pension

      We’re in NYC. It’s an apartment.

    25. 1. 2022
      2. Single, early 30s
      3. 10% (could have done a bit more but wanted to have a comfortable emergency fund still)
      4. My own savings

      Couple notes. I bought a condo and I view it as where I will live for the next 5-10 years, not necessarily my forever dream home. I think this is important – it’s hard enough to get the down payment together without pressuring yourself to get the perfect place. Also, look into first time home buyer programs/FHAs. These often have favorable terms on how much you have to put down.

      I bought because I needed somewhere to live and I see myself here for the foreseeable future. I would absolutely not hold off on buying if you were otherwise ready just because you’re single. You can totally navigate it alone!

    26. This year!
      37 and divorced
      3% down (conventional mortgage)
      Savings and down-payment assistance paid my closing costs

      Look into first time home buyers programs. I make $114K and still qualified for help with closing costs because I’m in a HCOL area.

    27. Late 2021 SFH as a single 35yo. Put 100K down and I’ve put another $80k into renovating it. My own savings to pay for it.

    28. 1. 2013
      2. I was 25 and my partner was 23. We were together but not married
      3. Put down 20% for a ~300k place so about 60K
      4. Most of it was from my savings (~75%) and the rest from partner’s savings.

    29. 1. 2018
      2. 28
      3. 20%, ~$55k
      4. Selling stocks from an investment account I’ve had my entire life that came mostly from my parents.

    30. I was 29, my then husband was 32. It was 1993. We bought a 2br 1ba 1100 sq ft house for $270k and put 10% down. We had some savings but I borrowed from my 401k as well, which is not great financial advice but it worked for us.

      We got divorced, I refinanced the house to buy him out, sold the house when I got remarried and did quite well profit-wise. We/I owned the house for 10 years.

    31. First bought in 2005 at 26 and single. Put 20% down. (House was 170k and I sold some stock options for the down payment.) Bought my current (and 4th house) in 2017 while still single. Put 20% down on a 480k house, which primarily came from the sale of house #3.

    32. 1. 2021
      2. 28, engaged
      3. 10%
      4. My savings entirely – essentially decided to not pay off my remaining grad school loans and instead use that $ as a downpayment.

      When we bought it was an absolutely nutso time in the market, but I’m glad we did, given how interest rates have spiked.

    33. Probably too long ago to be useful, but for sake of an outlier:

      1. 1999
      2. 32; single
      3. 10% in what we thought was a HCOL area at the time (and now really is a HCOL market!). I paid PMI for a few years before I refinanced.
      4. My own savings/investments – largely fueled by the settlement of an automobile accident claim in my mid-20s that was almost a year’s earnings (post tax).

      Financially it was the best decision I could have made. Home prices and rents in my city went thought the roof and there is no way I could even rent my house now. I will have it paid off before I retire which will make it possible for me to stay where I am or I can cash it out and move with a nice nest egg to a less expensive area.

    34. IDK if you want non owners to play but just in case
      -Haven’t bought yet.
      -Age 42 and single.
      -Ready to put down about 200k – which would be at least 23 percent of purchase price, ideally a higher percent if prices would fall more here in the DC area.
      -Saved and invested alone – helped that I waited until middle age.

      Honestly IDK if there will EVER be inventory to buy. I refused to play the 100k over asking, sight unseen game. And now with rates at 6 percent or higher, who is going to sell unless they absolutely need to move for some reason – these people are locked in at 3 percent or less.

    35. 2012.
      28 years old, married.
      20% down–sort of.
      FIL helped with down payment, which was covered by his securities account with our lender, as long as he maintained the balance equal to 20% of the down payment. We refinanced in 2021 with a different bank, releasing FIL’s securities account from the loan. The appreciation in the value of the house meant no down payment was needed on the refinance.

    36. 1. 2013
      2. 29/married
      3. 5%
      4. Saved with husband.
      I see so much advice that you should never buy without 20% down. My husband and I had a lot of student loans and it would have taken many extra years to get to 20% down. Yes, we had to pay PMI for a few years, but it was only about $100/month and my mortgage still cost less than the townhouse we were renting. Overall, very happy with the decision and my house has almost doubled in value in the past decade.

    37. 2021
      43, married
      5% of 375k
      down payment from savings. we were living in a VHCOL and were likely going to buy about a 600-750k condo/townhouse. This seemed amazing to us because prior had lived in an even more expensive place where we’d have to rent forever. Decided instead to relocate to low to medium cost of living city and bought a SFH.

    38. 1. 2020 (August)
      2. 31/married with no children
      3. 20%
      4. Personal savings and some inheritance money (unplanned for, but allowed us to go from casually considering buying a home to pouncing when we found something we could see ourselves living in for the foreseeable future).

      I lived exceptionally frugally in my early-mid 20s and was able to squirrel away a good chunk of change. Something else that helped was that we were looking to buy but didn’t *need* to do so – our rental was month to month, affordable and in a great location.

    39. 1. 2012
      2. 27, married
      3. 20% of 390k on an NYC outer borough coop
      4. DP came from spouse’s inheritance. Outside the inheritance we had minimal savings.

      We divorced a few years later and sold the apartment for $520k. We had refinished the floors and painted but otherwise did nothing to it before moving in — it was a crazy market, our realtor showed it to 3 “inside” clients prior to listing, we got 3 offers the next day, all at or above asking, so we never actually listed. Ex got what he put for the downpayment plus closing costs when we bought, and we split the remainder (after expenses). I have that money saved to buy my own place again, but I’ve been priced out (that same apartment sold for $600k a year and change ago, with no new improvements). I wish I had been able to keep the apartment, but there was no way for me to make the numbers work at the time.

    40. 1. 2015
      2. Both 30, married
      3. $200k
      4. Saved jointly in the sense that I was married with joint finances but it was mostly my earnings as a Big Law attorney. DH was in grad school earning almost nothing until age 28 and after that was a postdoc that didn’t pay much either. Parents didn’t help directly but paid for undergrad and gave me some help with law school, which reduced debt burden and allowed me to save faster.

    41. 1. 2005
      2. 25/dating but bought the house on my own
      3. 5% – it was a $200,000 townhouse in a LCOL area, so even with closing costs the up front costs weren’t super high
      4. Saved alone

    42. 1.34
      2. Partner not married
      3. 20%
      4. Insurance payment and savings

      Feels like everybody else was really early…

    43. 1. Year when you bought your first home: 2014
      2. Your age/relationship status at the time: 35 and very much single
      3. How much you put down: 25%
      4. Where you got your down payment (saved alone, saved with partner, parent help, etc): Saved and saved and saved. Entirely alone. Lawyer job and renting a tiny apartment without a washer/dryer for many years before.

    44. 1. 2012
      2. 27, engaged to my husband
      3. 3% (thanks FHA loan!)
      4. Basically just our checking account, since it was such a low amount. We didn’t intentionally save up or anything.

  32. i’m having my first colonoscopy tomorrow! any tips? bit worried about this 24+ hour fast

    1. I just had my first one a month ago! The fast was by far the worst part for me. Worse than the prep. Chewing gum really helped me. As prep my doctor told me to drink the traditional 4L of Golytely but I kept vomiting it up, so I did the Gatorade + mirolax method instead (look it up, a lot of hospitals use it) so it was just like drinking Gatorade. The actual procedure was no big deal, the propofol nap was the best nap of my life, and afterwards I ate a whole pizza.

      1. I hear a lot of people say the best nap of their life thing, so just to add a different experience in case it applies to you, I was never completely knocked out. I was definitely out of it, but still able to talk and move around. So don’t count on sleeping through it or eating after. I was only up for a handful of crackers afterward and didn’t eat anything else until the next day. My husband was the same.

    2. Honestly, the prep itself was a breeze compared to the not eating part. I ended up with a raging m*graine from not eating. I know you’re supposed to drink other clear liquids, but I just couldn’t stomach anything besides water- I find them all disgusting even under normal circumstances, and especially when not feeling well and figured the last thing I needed was to start vomiting. But it’s probably better if you are able to consume some calories. I was still pretty nauseated after, so I didn’t really eat for close to two days.

      1. Real Coke is so good for so many things. Real Coke plus 2 naproxen can sometimes (not always) stave off a migraine for me if I catch it early.

        To OP – my family is high risk for colon cancer so I have had many colonoscopies, as we all have. My advice for the fasting period is lemon sorbet.

        My advice for the bathroom period is don’t stray too far from the bathroom (I generally remained standing within a few feet of the door) and protect your skin. Get a tub of aquaphor or A&D ointment just for this purpose and apply liberally after wiping.

    4. Congratulations! Had my first and only one (to now) in my late 20s. (Mid 40s now.) I remember a few moments of pain towards the end.

      I used it as an excuse to go treat myself to a late lunch and gelato afterwards.

  33. Visiting Montreal for work and snuck in a few days and what a gem… I went up to the top of Mont Royal, walked all the way through Vieux Port and had lunch at Atwater Market. Maybe a museum tomorrow but it’s such a great walking city. My husband is determined never to leave out Scottish village but if I could stick the winters (note: I’m a Californian who has spent the last decade in Scotland and am miserable November to April, I couldn’t survive Canadian winters)

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