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Updated: Oct 30, 2018 230 Comments · by

Coffee Break: Alicante Bootie

Coffee Break |

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Ecco Alicante BootieThese stretch suede/velvet booties look perfect for fall weather — wear them with matching tights and have your legs look like they go for miles. Because velvet doesn't always wear the best, these might be office shoes for me, particularly on yucky fall days when rainboots are required for the commute. They're well rated at Nordstrom (and Zappos), and almost entirely sold out in the purple — but the black and the gray both have all sizes available. They're $99 at the moment, but will be $158 after the sale ends August 8. ECCO ‘Alicante' Bootie Looking for a version with extended widths? This similar shoe has sizes 5-12 in widths N, M, W, and WW. By the way, I keep forgetting to mention this — thank you to everyone who entered our Nordstrom Anniversary Sale giveaway! Winners were chosen at random through Rafflecopter and contacted on Sunday.  

Sales of note for 8.30.24

  • Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
  • Ann Taylor – 30% off full-price purchase; $99 jackets, dresses & shoes; extra 50% off sale
  • Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Bergdorf Goodman – Final Days Designer Sale, up to 75% off; extra 20% off sale
  • Boden – 20% off
  • Brooks Brothers – Extra 25% off clearance
  • Eloquii – Up to 60% off everything; extra 60% off all sale
  • J.Crew – 40% off sitewide; extra 60% off sale styles
  • J.Crew Factory – Extra 20% off orders $125+; extra 60% off clearance; 60%-70% off 100s of styles
  • Lo & Sons – Summer sale, up to 50% off (ends 9/2)
  • Madewell – Extra 40% off sale; extra 50% off select denim; 25% off fall essentials
  • M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
  • Rothy's – End of season sale, up to 50% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear in the big sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 25% off regular-price purchase; 70% off clearance
  • White House Black Market – Up to 70% off sale

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Comments

  1. Fancy White Tshirt search

    I am looking and looking! Would love one that is thick enough so my bra silhouette does not peak through, and will wear nicely with a necklace or scarf for a casual day at the office. Any suggestions?

    • I'm Just Me ....

      Not fancy, but seriously, Kohl’s. The Croft and Barrow brand. They have v necks and crew necks, the material is thick so no show through, they wear like iron, and they are pretty soft. I know you are looking at white, but the colors don’t fade and they don’t suede when washed. I wash cold and hang to dry, and have some from several years ago that look like I just took the tags off of them.

    • Goatsgoatsgoats

      Uniqlo supima cotton tees are incredibly soft yet sturdy, structured, and polished (inasmuch as a tshirt can be any of these things)

  2. I want all the bootz

    I have been binge watching The Americans and I want All The Bootz for fall. Specifically, tall heeled boots to wear with dresses. Suede, maybe? Any recommendations for this variety (sort of this bootie with a mid-calf or higher (but not OTK))? Also, in suede, would it be better to bite the bullet and get something from LaCanadienne so it lasts? Or would leather be better (like I can get some heeled Frye boots I’ve been pining after)? Or just All the Bootz?

  3. Anon for This

    I’m a senior associate at a firm, and a few days ago a client approached me about a filling an upcoming opening in their legal department. I was told I was at the top of the list of candidates (if I’m interested) and they want to figure out if I’m interested before broadening the search.
    I’m interested in the job if I can make the salary work — I can handle a paycut and fully expect it, but don’t know how significant a cut it will be. When can I ask about the salary range? Because I work so closely with the client, and the discussions have been with the would-be boss & co-workers (not HR), I’m not sure when to bring up salary … any advice? Thanks in advance!

    • Ellen

      Well, they KNOW what your firm’s billeings are, so they should NOT be to surprised if you ask for 80% of what you currentley earn. This should give them a break and you should be abel to work less hours, farming out the heavy stuff back to your law firm. Just remember NOT to tell them you will do everything you did when you worked for the law firm b/c you proabley will NOT have the same suport structure we have in law firm’s (tho I am MY OWN suport structure–FOOEY on my secretary who does NOT do more then schedule meeting’s for me).

      Just figure out what your GROSS salary is, and multiply it by 80, and then divide by 100 and you will have your IN HOUSE salary. This is what Roberta offered me, but I perfer for the time being to remaining a partner here to see if I can become MANAGEING partner soon! YAY!!!!!!

    • blue

      First, congrats! I don’t think there is anything wrong with asking for a salary range. How else are you supposed to make an informed decision? But if it’s awkward and you’d rather have the discussion with someone other than your client, can you say something like, I’d like some more information about the employment terms — is there someone from the recruiting department I can touch base with for that information?

      When I recently interviewed for an in-house position, the in-house recruiter immediately screened me for salary goals before having me sit down with the GC, so that is something that they should be completely comfortable with.

    • Anon2

      I’d ask about salary upfront and I’d ask your would be boss, NOT HR. Do you think any guy says — well I feel uncomfortable talking about money, can I have an HR rep instead of the person with the substantive knowledge?

      Just ask to set up a call/meeting/coffee with the guy to get the details of the job. In that meeting, ask about the work, team, timing of when you’d be needed over there, AND MONEY. They will appreciate you being upfront bc if you’re thinking 250k and their salary range is 110k, they will feel like they have wasted their time courting you if you let this go on for months before mentioning your salary requirements; while that’s bad generally, it’s doubly bad for a senior associate to do that with a firm client bc it WILL get back to the partners if you handle this unprofessionally or drag it out in any way.

  4. Anonymous

    Looking for suggestions for sandals. Must be: comfy, flat, look nice with a dress. Would like: black or gold, under $50-75 (willing to go up to $100 for the perfect sandal). Have the Target Lina Gladiator Sandal and it’s tearing up my feet.

  5. anon

    I’m in Seoul! I have tomorrow free, but it’s raining all day. I had originally planned walking a touristy loop north of the river. Please send me your recommendations, including food, please. I’m fine to do some shopping, but don’t want to do that all day (or spend that much money or buy too much stuff due to luggage). I’d prefer to purchase something truly unique for more money than just wander around Myeong-dong, which I’ve done before. I’m also thinking of getting eyelash extensions. If you know a good place for that, let me know. I’m staying in Gangnam but willing to explore via subway.

    • Senior Attorney

      The Lotte World Mall was a trip and will get you out of the weather. Lots of high-end stuff duty fee. And the fashion is fantastic!

      If you can swing it, I’d really suggest a trip to the DMZ, even if the weather is bad. It’s pretty amazing. Your hotel concierge should be able to book it for you.

      Maple Tree House in the Itaewon is a great Korean BBQ. We also enjoyed The Jell, which is a steakhouse near the Grand Hyatt Hotel. It has great views of the N Seoul Tower.

      • Seoul

        The National Museum of Contemporary Art. From what I recall it was outside of town on the train but you could probably get a car. It was cool.

        • Senior Attorney

          Also taxis are super cheap in Seoul. Like, a half-hour cab ride for ten bucks, no tipping.

  6. LAnon

    I have these in silver but they are also available in gold: https://www.nordstromrack.com/shop/product/1643681/carlos-by-carlos-santana-tandy-embellished-sandal

    They are relatively comfortable (not much support but nothing rubs or blisters) and I get TONS of compliments on them.

    If you don’t like that one, I’d encourage you to take a look at some of the other sandals in the Carlos Santana line. Much like Jessica Simpson, I don’t know who he’s got designing his shoes but I love them, especially for the price.

    • LAnon

      Oops – this was for Anonymous above, looking for gold or black sandals. Or anyone else who enjoys cute sandals designed by guitar legends.

    • emeralds

      OMG I love those. My beloved gold sandals finally bit the dust this summer and I think I just found my replacements.

  8. Sydney Bristow

    Can anyone recommend a carry on bag they love? My requirements are that it have a strap to attach to my wheeled luggage, have enough room for a weekend trip, and come in a neutral color (or something that matches my purple/plum roller bag). Ideally under $200.

    I’m looking at the Victorinox Lexicon Weekender. I really like the look of the Victorinox Divine Tote but I’m not sure it’s big enough. Can anyone speak to either of these?

    • Kk

      I know we’re broken records over here but my Lo and Sons bags have been excellent- I have the OMG and the OG and both would suit you well.

      I also have the Pearl in gray saffiano, fwiw, and love it.

    • Anon in NYC

      I asked this question a few weeks ago and someone recommended the Vera Bradley weekender. I wound up getting it and used it this past weekend for an overnight trip but I haven’t been on a plane with it yet. I really like it. It’s very lightweight, it’s not too duffel-y in shape which I’m not into, it has the strap to attach to luggage, and there are good interior pockets. Also, the width and depth seem more in proportion than the Lo & Sons OG, which I find annoying because it’s so tall but narrow and I always have to take a lot of things out to get at the thing on the bottom of the bag.

      I’m not at all a Vera Bradley print person, but you can find it in plain black or other solid colors (see https://www.amazon.com/dp/B008PXX3P8/ref=twister_dp_update?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1).

      • Annie

        I was just looking at this bag earlier this morning! I’m glad to hear that you like it — I particularly like that it can go in the washing machine.

        I’m curious – what color did you pick, and are you happy with it? I’m thinking that I’ll get it. There are a few prints that I like, and part of me feels like “go for it!” and get something I think is pretty, rather than just stick with my normal solid neutral colors.

        • Anon in NYC

          I actually did get a print! I didn’t think I would like any of them, but I got the Marrakesh Motifs one and it’s nice in person. I also liked the Shower Vines print, and there was another one but I can’t remember the name of it. Go for a fun print!

      • NOLA

        Yep, that’s the one I have, in the classic black. It’s a great carry on bag. Not too big but it fits a lot of stuff.

    • Sydney Bristow

      I’ve never actually looked at Lo & Sons so I thought it was just purses. I normally like a more rectangular shape, but it looks like the OG could work.

      I’ll check Vera Bradley too. I don’t like the quilted texture that I’ve seen. Maybe there are spe bags without it.

      Thanks all!

      • KLR

        Late to the party here, but I travel quite a bit for fun and work and love my Lo & Sons OG. I’m actually on my second. First one is looking a little beat up but that’s after 3 or so years of heavy use (including as a daily work bag for quite some time).

  9. Favorite resort

    What is your favorite beach vacation spot in the Mid-Atlantic area? We were supposed to go to the Caribbean for Labor Day but due to TTC plans and Zika concerns, doctor recommended we go somewhere more local to DC. So here is what I’m thinking about:
    -Would like a bit more upscale, luxurious play to stay as we haven’t taken vacation all year
    -Would be me, DH, and 4 year old daughter
    -Would like to have a beach nearby and kid-friendly pool
    -Somewhere somewhat quiet, peaceful, and relaxing
    -Have some dining options and activities for kids
    -Up to 5 hours driving distance from/to DC

    Anything come to mind? If we can’t find a nice resort or beach town to visit, we might just go to Rehoboth for the weekend but I don’t know if I want to brave the crowds over Labor Day…

    • Bonnie

      Beach driving distance from DC on Labor Day weekend is going to be impossible. You could fly to Miami in that time and stay in a swanky hotel in South Beach.

      • Maddie Ross

        Yeah, but if Zika is a fear for you, I would probably just avoid Miami at this point (I know, I know – unlikely, but it’s probably better to just stay away).

        • Bonnie

          There have been 0 U.S. locally acquired cases. I’m not in OP’s situation but would not hesitate to go to locations in the U.S., particularly ones that are not swampy.

          • Leatty

            Miami is currently investigating a Zika case where the woman likely contracted it locally.

    • Anonymous

      If you’d consider flying instead of driving then I highly recommend the Fairmont Southampton in Bermuda.

      • Katie

        Agreed that driving from DC would be a mess. If you’d consider a short flight to Boston, the beaches in southern Maine are only an hour from Logan. Beautiful and quiet.

        • CountC

          Bermuda is amazing – been three times. Cambridge Beaches would be my suggestion.

  10. shamlet96

    Seeking hive advice: If you are in an LDR, how do you figure out which person should move? My boyfriend and I live about 2 hours apart, so living in between doesn’t make much sense (especially with SoCal traffic). We both love our jobs (though prospects for advancement are much more promising at his, and overall I wouldn’t mind a change of pace). I own a house and he rents, so I figure that tips in my favor a little. My biggest concern is that if I move, it will be to a relatively small city and I am definitely a big-city girl. Anyone have advice on how you navigated this and/or happy success stories? thanks in advance. :)

    • Anonymous

      We chose based on where our families were located. I knew that I wanted my parents and other family nearby to pinch hit with childcare etc. We moved to my home city for that reason. If you plan on having kids, I’d factor this in. It’s not that you’d be relying on family for primary childcare – but having someone bring over soup when everyone in the house has the flu or pick the kids up at daycare when you both have to work late – these are the small things that are sanity savers.

      It wouldn’t have been possible to continue either of our careers in DH’s hometown in the same way so that ruled out a move there.

      • Anon in NYC

        This is how a close friend decided to stay put in her town (and her husband’s hometown) rather than move across the country to her hometown, at least in part. She realized that her husband’s family and his network in town were more supportive than her extended family would be, particularly in the early years with kids.

      • shamlet96

        this makes sense, but family is equidistant to both of our locations lol (my mom is 45 minutes away from me and his parents are 45 minutes from him). Both would be super helpful childcare wise.

        • Anonymous

          what’s housing affordability like in each area? Commute times? Think about what your life will look like in 5 years and where you want to be. Not that you can’t move again but moving is a hassle so you don’t want to do it more than necessary.

          • shamlet96

            this is useful, thanks. affordability is about the same in both, with commute times being slightly shorter in his town. The biggest hurdle is that his city’s job market (for my field) is very small and insular, so it may be next to impossible for me to find a job there.

    • Never too many shoes...

      My husband and I are from Ireland and Canada. When we first started dating, we agreed that we would both be willing to move, so that hurdle was over early. I am a lawyer so Ireland would have meant major work hassles whereas he is in a very portable industry. He visited Canada several times and loved everything about it – the diversity of culture (especially food) and the cost of living. I am also much closer to my circle of friends and he did not want me to give that up. Family closeness was also a wash as someone was going to be far away. Also, Ireland’s lack of reproductive freedom was a serious issue for me along with the lack of separation between church and state. We also discussed moving to a third country where we both went to University, but in the end, he decided to move her and loves it.

      This is a difficult decision, so best of luck!

    • Maddie Ross

      If neither location is the “perfect” fit, but they are both reasonably close to each other (and 2 hours apart to me is “reasonably close”), is there another “more perfect” spot to where you both could move together?

      • shamlet96

        that’s a good question. With both of our families nearby, i think we want to stay in the area, but I’ll ask him if he’s ever thought about an entirely different city. Thanks!

  11. Anon

    I have a serious and honest question, and I hope this gets an actual answer. Can someone please explain to me how any open-minded and educated person can support Donald Trump? I’ve actually been struggling with this – no one I know actually (openly) supports him, and I cannot wrap my head around anyone other than racist, xenophobes (I can come up with more terms) can support him. I know those people do exist, so I understand him having a base, but is it just possible that the US is made up of that high a percentage of those kinds of people? I saw something online yesterday about people who support him (literally it was people with signs i.e., I am a woman and I support DT; I am educated and I support DT; I am Latino and I support DT, etc.). I genuinely can’t fathom anyone who has seen and heard the things he has said (or not said) supporting that person for the leader of our country. Anyone?

    • Anonymous

      False premise. No one open minded does support Trump. It is 100% possible that all of his supporters are racist, as are a huge percentage of Americans.

      • anon

        You cant be serious. Just because they think differently than you about how the government should be run, they are racist?

        • Anonymous

          No, because they are racist. I didn’t think Mitt Romney or John McCain were racist. Trump and his supporters are. Hate is the center of his platform.

          • Anon

            +1
            There ARE republicans who aren’t racist bigots.
            Trump isn’t one of them. If you vote for Trump, I don’t care if you’re a life-long republican, you are racist.

      • anon-oh-no

        this. though I can assure you that most of them don’t actually *think* they are racist. but they are.

    • anon

      I think it stems from a greater dislike/distrust of Clinton and a lack of faith in a viable third party candidate than people who actually like him. At least for the people I’ve talked to, their dislike/distrust of Clinton goes way back and they see her as another corrupt member of the political machine. So for them, this is a lesser of two evils while he is still a hard candidate to get behind. Also, some of these people are worried about an open SC seat and want a conservative choice. I’d hope that even if he gets elected, he would surround himself with smart policy people and that the checks and balances system would keep things from getting too out of control.

      • JayJay

        Yes. I’m a libertarian that leans conservative and my parents are conservative. I’m either voting for Johnson or abstaining from the presidential vote (but will vote down ballot). My parents are going to vote for Trump, because they will not vote for Hillary and believe a Hillary presidency would be worse for the country than a Trump presidency. He’s a lesser of two evils.

        I have never met someone that actually likes and supports Trump as a candidate.

        • Anonymous

          Do your parents have any reasons that they think Trump is the lesser of two evils? How can protecting women’s rights and LGBT+ rights be evil or ‘more evil’ than Trump?

        • JayJay

          They’re pro-life and agnostic on gay marriage, so those don’t really factor in to it for them. They disagree with Hillary on foreign policy, are worried about ISIS, and haven’t forgiven this administration or Hillary for what happened in Benghazi. They know they disagree with her on all those things, so there’s at least a chance they might agree with Trump’s policies, if we ever find out what those are. (Not endorsing this, explaining it)

          • Anonymous

            So your parents are voting for Trump because he’s pro-life and someone else down the thread is okay with voting for him because they think he’s actually pro-choice or at least not that pro-life?

            Starting to think that Trump’s position of not actually having any policies is working for him. People just assume he has whatever policies they hope he has.

        • Anonshmanon

          Ok, but here is what I have trouble understanding: When he says all these terrible things (about mexicans, women, muslims etc), and makes implications as to how he would actually run the country if it were up to him – do his supporters then think “oh, he talks big now, but it’s not going to be actually like that when he gets elected”? Or are they comfortable with his plans?

          • JayJay

            I think my parents think he’s just bombastic and won’t actually follow through with the crap he says.

          • Anonshmanon

            don’t really know what to say to that, tbh. Do democracies need to go through periods of very very incapable, properly elected leaders so that citizens value the power of their vote? This is not specific to the US, but a broader trend that I hope I am imagining.

          • JayJay

            I think someone sums it up well down thread. Social issues are not #1 to many voters. A lot care a lot more about fiscal or national security. If you’re worried that people are waging war on your country and way of life, I can understand how you care more about that than the DREAM Act, for instance.

            Even when I disagree politically with people (like my parents’ voting choice), it’s easiest to assume good intentions and work from there.

    • CPA Lady

      The most thoughtful analysis I’ve seen about it is an article in the American Conservative called “Trump: Tribune of Poor White People”. It basically explains where the movement to support Trump came from and how out of touch the elites in both parties are from poor white people. A lot of the country is very very poor and deeply desperate. It might not seem that way to those of us who are not in those circumstances, but that comes from being isolated in our own bubbles.

      • Anonymous

        Right.

        And they are poor, working two or three jobs, trying to feed their kids, etc., and they don’t have time to pay attention to whether Trump made fun of a disabled person.

        I am not a Trump supporter because of his inflammatory comments, but if it weren’t for those, I would vote for him. I like the idea of a businessman who has created jobs. It bugs me when the DNC says that he has never done anything good for anyone. Creating jobs and providing health care and signing checks and promoting people and helping others live the American dream is good for people and good for our country. I do not believe that government is the answer to our problems.

        Like I said, I won’t be voting for him because of those comments, but my current plan is just to abstain (and vote down ballot).

        • Anonymous

          Have fun letting the poor, immigrants, women, gays, and every citizen of the country suffer.

          • Blonde Lawyer

            Some cis white males would be very happy with this outcome. They would be on top again – ie: America would be “great” again. No one likes to give up power. They want it back. It’s all about whether their bottom line will improve. If women are in the kitchen they aren’t competing for jobs. If the poor aren’t getting welfare, they have more money to spend. I hate this thinking but it’s what is happening.

          • Anonymous

            THIS. Not keeping pace with the stock market is not being a successful businessman. I know so many people who are voting for him because they think he’s brilliant and successful and arghhhh. He’s not. SO many people on both sides of the aisle are so much smarter and have accomplished so much more. I don’t like Ted Cruz’s politics but I think he’s brilliant. But Trump? NOPE.

        • Aunt Jamesina

          “Creating jobs and providing health care and signing checks and promoting people and helping others live the American dream is good for people and good for our country”.

          … but that’s just a natural consequence of being given millions and being a business owner. He wasn’t exactly the most ethical employer of all time, either. It’s not benevolent to compensate people for their work.

          • Anonymous

            It’s not benevolent but it does good. Business owners take risks that others don’t and that make our economy thrive. It’s just a fact, and I don’t like people acting like being in government does more good than being a business owner.

          • Aunt Jamesina

            Sure, they can take risks others don’t because they have capital others don’t. Sometimes those risks pay off (although more and more they mostly pay off for those at the top). And sometimes those risks end up sh!tting on everybody else below them (see 2008). And then those business owners that got us in the mess get golden parachutes out and get to move on to their next endeavor.

            I don’t know many people that would say being in government does more good than being a business owner. There’s plenty of scorn to go around for those in government.

        • Anony

          My father works in commercial real estate investment in New York and Chicago. He’s familiar with Donald Trump as a ‘businessman’. He vehemently hates Trump and has hated him for decades. He says that he’s a terrible, dishonest businessman and a ‘bad bet’ – would never lend him money for one of his projects because he knows it has a significant risk of going belly-up (i.e. a much bigger risk than other projects he funds). Dad is a lifelong Republican and says he’ll be voting for Hillary.

        • anon-oh-no

          the idea of trump as a “businessman who has created jobs” is laughable. he has given jobs in the US to illegal immigrants and then scr3wed them out of their $$(see original Trump Tower example); he has things regularly manufactured overseas in places like China (see Trump ties example); and even when he actually gives work to US citizens, he later “re-negotiates” (read: tells people take it or sue me) the deal after the work is done (see Taj Mahal examples)

        • Sarabeth

          At least in the primaries, Trump’s supporters were wealthier on average than those of the other candidates. The working-two-jobs people are not his base.

        • Alanna of Trebond

          Mark Cuban has explained that he believes that the Clintons are better businesspeople and are better negotiators that Trump. Also Trump doesn’t actually pay his employees and his business partners — notice how none of them are his surrogates.

        • Brunette Elle Woods

          I would not necessarily want a successful businessman to run my county. A businessman cares only about his bottom line which is making money for himself and the shareholders. A President should care about the wellbeing of the citizens first.

    • Sydney Bristow

      I’m absolutely not a Trump supporter, but I think people all have their top one or two issues that are so important to them that they’re willing to look past other things.

      For me, that issue is ab0rtion rights. I could never support someone who wants to restrict them, no matter how awesome they might be in my view on other things. I assume that at least some Trump supporters are similar and either cannot bring themselves to vote for Clinton because of her views on a specific issue or because Trump is in line exactly with their #1 issue (although I don’t know what that issue is).

      I don’t know anyone who is openly and actively a Trump supporter. I do know one highly educated bisexual minority man who really dislikes Clinton because of her previous DOMA views and her trade policy. It sounds like he’s going to vote for Trump but he isn’t enthusiastic about it.

      • Anonymous

        This is why I’m so confused about people who are considering voting for Trump. They don’t like Clinton because she previously did not support same sex marriage and will instead vote for someone that does not CURRENTLY support same sex marriage?

        I would direct your friend to the awesome LGBT+ section on Clinton’s website (including lots of merchandise supporting Pride).

        • Sydney Bristow

          His biggest issue is her record on trade, he just mentions DOMA when gay rights comes up.

          Something that I struggle with is change. It’s easy to believe that the person who you likes has evolved over the years but hard to accept it when it’s someone you hate. I find myself trying to remember that all people change. As much as I wish Trump was trolling everyone and still has his democratic views that he’s expressed in the past, if I accept that Clinton has changed over the years I need to accept that Trump probably changed too.

          Although there’s also an issue of whether someone has actually changed or is pretending to have changed because it’s good politics and will change right back after winning power…

          • Anonymous

            I don’t believe for a second Clinton would reverse her stance on gay rights after winning the presidency. Personally, I believe her views have evolved (much like mine have, actually). But even if you’re cynical and believe she still feels the same way but has “changed” because it’s good politics, why would she turn back now? The Democratic party is firmly on the gay rights train. She has nothing to gain and everything to lose by suddenly backing away from that just because she’s won one election.

          • Anon at 4:10

            I definitely think Clinton, like Obama, has evolved her views. My parents are much the same age and have evolved their views similarly.

            And as Anon at 4:27 notes – it seems completely improbable that she would repudiate both her current views and Democratic party platform once elected.

          • Also in Academia

            I also think that the Clintons had to support DOMA or they’d have had to contend with a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage. That way the issue could wend its way to the Supreme Court, whereas if an amendment had passed in the 90s, which I think it would have, we’d be trying to overturn that today instead of what actually happened.

        • Anonymous

          Another example of this kind of contradiction s is left-wingers who say they can’t vote for Clinton because Tim Kaine is not progressive enough, especially when it comes to abortion. Um, so you’re going to vote for party that actually has on its platform the restriction of abortion rights and a person who has a VP who passed one of the most restrictive abortion laws in United States history? Over the guy who has said he is personally morally opposed to it, but has a 100% pro-choice voting record and has been enthusiastically endorsed by Planned Parenthood? Makes. no. sense. My biggest takeaway from 2016 is that a huge percentage of Americans are just spectacularly dumb.

          • Sydney Bristow

            I shouldn’t have mentioned his comments on DOMA because it took away from what I was saying. It is an issue for him but not his #1 issue. His #1 issue is trade and he 100% disagrees with Clinton’s words and actions.

          • Anon

            Those sort of comments about Kaine are really just attacking his Catholicism. Which really boils my blood. Faith is compatible with a progressive agenda.

    • Anonymous

      The further along this goes, the more people feel comfortable supporting him. I have had several people come out of the closet, so to speak, since the convention. And this is at my AmLaw 100 firm.

    • Anonymous

      The people I know who support him generally don’t condone his hateful statements but think Clinton is “corrupt” and a “liar” and he’s the lesser of two evils. For some reason, they don’t think those adjectives apply to him as well, even though there’s tons and tons of evidence that they do. Most people who support him are far more concerned about their own economic future and jobs going overseas than they are about marriage equality, reproductive rights or climate change, so they ignore those issues. I think that is why there is actually quite a bit of overlap between Bernie bros and Trump people – they are lower class, straight, white, Christian men who are not the target of Trump’s hateful statements, so it is easy for them to selfishly ignore all that stuff and just focus on trade and economics and on those two issues Trump and Sanders have a lot of overlap, even though they are diametrically opposed on many other issues.

      I also really just believe Americans are astoundingly dumb* and think that because he claims to be a very wealthy, successful businessman, he’s brilliant and will instantly transform the country, rid the world of ISIS, make the economy better, etc. Never mind that he has the vocabulary of a toddler and if he’d invested in his inheritance in simple index funds he’d be richer than he is today (even by his own characterization of his wealth, which most people think is exaggerated), let alone the fact that he has not laid out any concrete plans for doing any of those things. He says he will do them, and people are stupid and they believe him. I’m sure there’s more than a little bit of s*xism in the mix as well (and I don’t just mean in comparison to Clinton – for example, Sarah Palin was eviscerated for being dumb but Trump has said far stupider things, but because he’s a dude and he says them super confidently, people buy them in a way almost no one bought Palin as a VP candidate). For example, Trump now says that he always opposed the Iraq war and was outspoken about it from the beginning, but there is no evidence he opposed it until it was well underway, and by that point Clinton and many other Democrats opposed it too. Many Trump supports have told me they can’t vote for someone who supported the Iraq war, which is why they are not voting for Clinton – but there is not one iota of evidence that Trump would have voted differently if he were in Congress at the time. But because he says he would have voted against it, they take him at his word. He just seems gets the benefit of the doubt in a way that Clinton doesn’t, and s*xism no doubt plays a huge part in that. But I also think he gets the benefit of the doubt because he’s not a politician and he has no record to attack. He’s said a bunch of terrible stuff but he hasn’t actually DONE anything and Clinton has done some tangible stuff that has upset a lot of people like the Iraq war vote.

      *Before someone jumps on me and says equating Trump support with being stupid is as bigoted and hateful as Trump, there are a lot of studies that show an inverse correlation between education and supporting Trump. So, yes, there are some educated people who support him but in general the more education you have the less likely you are to support him.

      • Anon for This

        I agree with this, and I’ll go further. At the end of the day I think a lot of it is sexism, plain and simple.

        • Anonymous

          It is sexism. It’s the only explanation for all the vitriol towards Hillary.

          She dared to keep her last name as her middle name; she dared to change political parties; she dared to go to law school ; she dared to have a successful career; she dared to (gasp!) stay with her cheating husband; she dared run for office and be Secretary of State. Now, she has the nerve to run for president. /s

          • Anonymous

            That’s ridiculous.

            Just FYI.

            “She dared to keep her last name as her middle name.”

          • Anonymous

            You are clearly younger than I am. Do you not remember the vitriol during Bill’s first campaign about her request that she be called by her full name, which included her maiden name? I do. I most definitely do. I’m only 40 years old, and it makes me both furious and grateful that younger women can be so cavalier about the challenges we faced within my lifetime.

          • anon

            Come on. Her belief about the role of government is diametrically opposed to the beliefs of over half the country. It is not surprising that a lot of people in this country are against her being POTUS, and sexism has nothing to do with it.

          • Also in Academia

            While there are many reasons one might disagree with Hillary (although personally I support her) I do think that for some people, they are just uncomfortable with a strong woman at the helm. Note: this is not the same as saying that everyone who doesn’t like Hillary is sexist.

          • Anonymous

            +1 to Anonymous at 10:03 pm. I am older than you and remember that entire discourse well. It made me keep my birth name period. I have been Ms Anonymous my entire life and stayed that way after I married. My son is Kid Anonymous; he has my last name instead of my husband’s.

            It may seem like a little thing to some people, but for me (and a number of other Gen X or early Gen Y women), being able to be called by the name I choose is meaningful.

            And to Anon at 6:08 p.m., sexism is the point. You would not believe the flak I get for being Ms Anonymous. “I cannot believe that your husband let you keep your name.” My husband does not “let” me do anything and anyone who thinks that is the way that adult interactions between people of opposite genders work is, in fact, a sexist. That includes my father, my law partners, and the people I deal with in my business and personal lives on a daily basis. It may be uncomfortable for people to hear it, but denial will not solve the continuing problem. However, having a president who uses her birth name will set the example for future generations.

            Choice of name may be a “little” thing, but it means so much more.

      • long time lurker

        I have a couple Trump supporting relatives and a lot of this resonates with what I understand from them. They are ANGRY and this anger allows them to over look the fact that Trump is just making broad pronouncements (Build a wall, etc.) with no explanation of how it will get done. There are a lot of “sound bites” from Trump that sound good to these angry people and they don’t stop to think much beyond that. Mix in some racism and the Clinton email scandal, perceived Benghazi “facts” and the general hatred of the Clintons in general and there you have it.

      • Never too many shoes...

        “they are lower class, straight, white, Christian men who are not the target of Trump’s hateful statements, so it is easy for them to selfishly ignore all that stuff”

        I hear a terrifying echo of “first they came for the Jews, but I was not a Jew” in this.

        • Frozen Peach

          Even before the Jews were the disabled. What terrifies me most about the disability mocking is that parallel.

          • Anon

            I’m disabled and I’m TERRIFIED. If Trump becomes president, the chances of me dying due to lack of health insurance increase exponentially. There will come a time when I can’t work. If the pre-existing condition eligibility of Obamacare goes away, and Medicaid is cut, I’m dead. Period. End of story. I will need a lung transplant, and there’s no g*ddam* way my family can afford that out of pocket. I’ll die without it. So yeah. I’m scared to death- literally- and my aunt is voting for Trump. It takes everything in me not to ask her why she wants me to die.

            So, if anyone is voting for him, I think they’re worthless. Sorry. But….I think they’re a revolting excuse for a human.

    • Anonny

      The rest of the secular first world is so absolutely abhorred by the whole Trump thing. It used to be a joke, something we would laugh about at the bar ‘Oh look how ridiculous America is being now’ but unfortunately it has gotten to the point where it is so terrifying that rational well educated world leaders might actually have to deal with this buffoon.

      • margarine

        They can use the skills they developed dealing with Berlusconi. Just saying, it’s not only the US that elects showmen.

      • Anonymous

        Actually, I don’t care what the rest of the world thinks. I care what other Americans think and what is motivating them. People are very angry, and condescension and accusing them of being racist because they don’t agree with YOU just makes them madder.

        I think both choices are awful, but the appeal of Trump is that is a rejection of the elitist establisment.

        • anon

          “People are very angry, and condescension and accusing them of being racist because they don’t agree with YOU just makes them madder.”

          +1

        • Anonny

          I didn’t accuse anyone of racism. I just stated that from the outside it looks a lot different than from the inside. It’s black and white so to speak

        • Anonymous

          Trump is the living embodiment of the elite establishment. A white cis male born to wealthy parents. He literally checks every single privilege box possible. It is pure delusion that he has somehow is ‘anti-establishment’

    • bridget

      I am #NeverTrump but don’t look down on supporters of Trump, or Bernie, or, heck, pretty much anyone. Start with the assumption that most people are sincere, good hearted, and have different priorities.

      A friend with a master’s: split between Cruz and Trump, tipped DJT because he thinks we need a non-politician.

      Family with insanely amazing degrees: they want a businessperson in the White House.

      Friend who was up for a deanship at a prestigious school: hates the Republican Establishment as much as the Democrats (the “burn it down” crowd) and appreciates the outreach to Reagan Democrats.

      Nanotechnologist friend: Trump is the strongest on illegal immigration. And burn down the Establishment.

      Most of my conservative friends think that the “establishment” has sold us down the river. They take our money, happily accept our efforts to et candidates elected, and then stab us in the back once in office. We feel that the DC crowd is not serious about cutting spending or increasing liberty: they just want to funnel money to their preferred projects and people. I do not think that Trump is *remotely* a solution to this problem, and think he will make it worse, but a lot of people want to use Trump to beat up on the DC Republicans.

      • Anonymous

        Exactly. Your friends are privileged and entitled and racist and have nothing to lose with a Trump presidency. Educated? Sure. Open-minded? Lol.

        • bridget

          So it’s okay to say that Trump fans are stupid (see above), but when it turns out that some of them are objectively waaaaaay smarter than you, they are “privileged” and “close minded.”

          Sucks to be you, but if you don’t start off assuming that you’re a smarty-smart who is totes better than everyone who disagrees with her, you don’t wind up with egg all over your face when smart people disagree with her.

          FYI.

          • Anonymous

            No, I’m anon who said above that they aren’t open minded. I’m not anon who said they were stupid. They’re racist and close minded and hateful, afflictions of all levels of intellect. Zero egg on my face Bridget, we all see you for what you are.

          • Cc

            I’m not the original poster here but none of your trump supporter friends are smarter than me. This isn’t Romney – I frequently have great discussions with people across the aisle from me. People who support trump either want to watch the world burn like you said, or are unable to think critically. You said that your friends want a businessman in the White House- if they think that’s trump then sorry, they are not bright. Also I Question the premise that we would want a candidate for a job with no experimence but I’ll leave that for another day

          • Anon

            And having degrees might make you “smart” in certain topics, not necessarily in politics or sociology

      • Anonymous

        Are you voting for Clinton? Because if you’re not, you’re not #NeverTrump. You’re #NeverTrumpUnlessTheAlternativeIsHillaryClinton.

    • Anonymous

      I work in IP law in Silicon Valley and one of our associates is a self-described fascist and he is voting for Trump. He is white, lives in a very Blue area, has an engineering degree, law degree, three teenage daughters, and a happy marriage with a woman.

      He has no reason except that he hates Hillary and doesn’t like brown people. When asked why he hates Hillary, it’s the vague “corruption” accusation. When I asked how he felt about me (a white woman) and some other co-workers (POC and/or female) losing their constitutional rights if Trump is elected, he couldn’t be bothered. It was just a non-issue for him. When I asked about his daughters’ constitutional rights being taken away, he waved me off and changed the subject to international trade agreements being bad.

      My conclusion: Most Trump supporters are white men who are secure in the knowledge that a Trump presidency wouldn’t hurt them; the rest of us be d@mned.

      • Anonymous

        Ehhhh what constitutional rights would he take from women? Are you saying reproductive rights? He is pro-choice all the way, always has been. He said a few wishy washy things during the primary, but he is not pro-life. Also, that’s really not going to happen with checks and balances. I get the guy’s point. I don’t think those are good arguments.

        • Anonymous

          ???? RNC and Trump are both literally official anti-choice as their official policy! Where are you getting information that suggests Trump is ‘pro-choice’?

          • Anonymous

            Not anon at 4:22. I hate Trump, but I think he is personally pro-choice and I don’t think he’d actually take any steps as President to restrict abortion rights. It’s pretty clear he’s adopted his pro-life platform to please Republicans and it’s not something he really agrees with. The one area where it might come into play would be Supreme Court justices. But even there, I think he will appoint more moderate people than he suggests he would.

          • Aunt Jamesina

            Anon at 4:31, I agree and absolutely believe he’s pandering, but I see a lot of people saying “well, he SAID this, but he MEANS this”. How do we know? The best we can go by (ugh) is what he has said. I completely believe that he would restrict rights or appoint those justices if it were politically advantageous.

          • Anon at 4:27

            But he still has to get his nominees through the Senate and it’s hard to imagine Republicans supporting a non anti-choice candidate.

            Even if he doesn’t actively begin a program of undermining pro-choice rights, I’d be shocked if he was willing to veto anti-choice legislation.

          • Sydney Bristow

            Anon at 4:31, that is my point and issue. I’m taking Clinton at her word that she’s changed her views on gay rights over the years (although some people think she’s pandering). Likewise, I need to take Trump at his word that he’s changed his views on abortion (even though I wish he hadn’t). As Aunt Jamesina said, all we can do is go by what they say and have done recently.

        • Aunt Jamesina

          Nope. He has said (and I quote), “I’ve become pro-life and the reason is, I’ve seen — in my case, one specific situation — but numerous situations that have made me to go that way.”

          He’s backed by several pro-life groups and has voiced support for defunding PP. He’s also promised to put pro-life justices on the Supreme Court, which would definitely influence policy.

        • nutella

          A republican congress plus a republican president mean (in all likelihood) Pence’s ideologies would not be balanced or checked. Then consider that Trump/Pence would install at least one Supreme Court justice, and checks and balances are a joke.

        • anon

          Anon at 4:22- You’re just wrong. DT isn’t going to sign an EO banning abortions as his first act, but he is going to appoint conservative SCOTUS justices, which is where abortion rights actually get decided. If you don’t know that you haven’t been paying attention. This obliterates your “checks and balances” argument. Further, he likely won’t veto the absurd anti-choice bills the Repubs put through. The fact that he may not care about abortion as an issue doesn’t mean he won’t sign them to appease the base.

          I will not sleep well at night when this comes to pass knowing that, “oh well, Trump isn’t really anti-choice, he just said that during the primary.”

      • anon in SV

        Yep, I believe that several of the (white) men I work for will vote for Trump because they want to pay less in taxes. They don’t say that Hillary is corrupt or any of that. It’s just that Hillary will increase their taxes and Trump will lower them. I guess you could say they are single-issue voters: how can I pay fewer taxes, and everyone and everything else be d@mned.

        • Aunt Jamesina

          This is my dad. C’mon guys, he’s worked really hard to earn a living! (he’s white, college educated, grew up middle class) /sarcasm.

        • E

          I know some in the energy industry that will vote Trump because they think Democrats want to ban fracing, which will completely kill the industry.

          (What’s funny is that’s what Bernie wanted, and Clinton opposed him on it. But they heard it from a Democrat and tar the rest of them with the same brush.)

        • EM

          I’m Jewish and I have no 3rd cousins, because each and every one of my grandparents’ cousins who stayed in Europe were killed in the Holocaust. Trump’s absolute comments on the Mexicans and on the Muslims are frightening in the extreme to me. I don’t want to pay more taxes either, but I don’t want to witness or be involved in a genocide even more. And even if he doesn’t actually go through with his policies, his inflammatory remarks do indeed have consequences. How can anyone be a leader and not understand this? How can anyone vote for someone who….I can’t even finish this thought.

          I am scared. And not of him, but of the people who are voting for him.

          • Anon

            I’m the OP and THIS is exactly how I think/what I fear. FWIW also Jewish but my family was out way before the Holocaust. Still makes me feel this way.

          • Never too many shoes...

            It is like watching history just unfold right in front of our eyes…and I fear that 70 years from now people will look back and wonder “how did they fall for that, again? how did they let that horror happen, again?”.

            As I said upthread, I hear a lot of the “first they came for…” from people who are not bothered about Trump’s rhetoric because it is not about *them*.

    • Annie

      The people I know that openly support him seem to prioritize gun rights as their main issue, or just really don’t like HRC and want to see her defeated.

      In response to your specific question — how can “educated” or “open-minded” people support him, I don’t think I’ve really seen an answer to this and I really wonder if it’s because it seems so unacceptable, at least among the groups of people I associate with, to be okay with Trump. It seems like you don’t even have to *support* him; if you’re just *okay* with him, then people come down on you HARD. If we really want to understand pro-Trump supporters, then we have to be willing to listen to them. (And if we start out by calling people racists and misogynists, something tells me that they’re not going to want to share.)

      But, since you said you really want to know what we think, well, I think that to some educated and open-minded people, the social issues are not the most important. There’s some very interesting commentary about how for the last few decades, the Democrats have really grown Identity Politics. Not everyone, however, subscribes to that. To me, that is one of the biggest differences right now between how the current parties — it goes to how the view things. It’s all very interesting!

      • Anonymous

        No but they are racist though. They should be embarrassed. We should come down hard.

        • Anonymous

          +1 000 000

          If social issues are not important to you then you are not open minded.

          Social issues are what define a nation.

          • anon

            +1

            “Social issues” is a broad, vague term. Matters that are termed “social issues” are actually questions that address the fundamental rights and well being of minority groups. Abortion rights, gay marriage, race relations, police brutality, the role of religion in society, gender identity, etc…. If you can refer to these things simply as “social issues” or “the culture wars,” you do not have rights at stake, or you do not realize or care that other people’s rights or well being are at stake.

            To someone who is privileged, these issues are interesting things to debate and hold opinions about, but maybe not as important as “fiscal policy” or “corruption in politics”– because you are not directly affected. But underneath all of these topics are individuals, often members of disadvantaged or vulnerable populations. To the woman who needs an abortion, or access to other reproductive health care, reproductive rights isn’t an abstract social issue. To the gay couple who can’t visit each other in the hospital, LGBT rights is not a social issue. To the mom who worries about her children in police interactions, race relations aren’t a social issue.

            If you’ve already got all of your rights, and you’re being treated as a full member of society, then, yeah, I can see why you wouldn’t think that “social issues are the most important.” That is a position made possible by tremendous privilege and utter lack of compassion and empathy.

            I’m a straight, white, cisgendered, able-bodied, educated woman. It is UNACCEPTABLE to me that Trump would mock someone with a disability. Watching that clip breaks my heart in two. It is not acceptable to treat members of our society this way. It is unacceptable to me that Trump would call for banning Muslims at the gate. Even though I am an atheist, it is completely abhorrent to discriminate on the basis of religion. It is unacceptable to me that my black peers do not feel safe around the police, even though I do. I just don’t know how anyone can look at a situation like this and not be bothered by the injustice. Does it mean that we must all devote our lives to correcting each one? No. Does it mean we shouldn’t actively support these injustices? Yes, at the very least.

    • bridget

      There’s an article entitled “How David Brooks created Donald Trump” that explains how Trump’s nastiness is actually a selling point.

      The basic thesis is that the more well-mannered, better-educated revolution desired by the powers-that-be already happened: it was the Tea Party, and they were well-mannered, cheerful people who were treated like dirt. Now a new crop of activists and voters are here, and they have no desire to play nice.

      Hard for anti-Trump types to swallow – much easier to cry about “ism” – but it is, I think, part of the reason we are stuck with Trump.

    • Sasha

      I’m a lawyer (WOC) in south Florida. I work with several lawyers in the area who support Trump. (All are white) I think fiscal concerns are their most important consideration when choosing a candidate. One woman lawyer in particular complains each paycheck about her money going to “those programs.” Coded talk for social benefits programs.

      • Anon

        I’m sure she’s awesome when doing pro bono….. Or is she one of those lawyers whose pro bono commitment is just paying some money each year and never having to get near those dirty poor people? Ugh.

        • Sasha

          Florida doesn’t require you to do Pro Bono or make a contribution. Funny enough, she was the one that emphatically told me this fact.

    • Anonymous

      My dad is educated and financially successful, but he’s also in his mid-late 60’s, has spent most of his life in a very conservative border state, and very much thinks that we could “Make America Great Again” by dispensing with all of this inclusive nonsense and just expect everyone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps because clearly white male privilege is not a thing and anyone who’s in a bad spot just isn’t working hard enough. He’s a diehard Republican, deeply resents progressive taxation, thinks the whole government is corrupt and everyone should be kicked out of Congress so we can just start over, and has always hated the Clintons. He pooh-poohs political correctness and values brash straight-talk above nuance, diplomacy and decorum. In response to my comment that I could never vote for Trump because of his demeaning statements about women (among a multitude of other reasons), he spouted off that ridiculous tripe the Republican talking heads are trying to push about Hillary being “anti-woman” because wasn’t it so horrible how she picked apart those women that Bill was allegedly running around with, and “actions speak louder than words.” omfg.

      I guess all that to say that educated and open-minded are not synonyms, and you can definitely be one but not the other. That may explain a lot of it.

      • anon

        My well-educated, lawyer father is pretty much exactly the same. I am struggling to make it to November with my respect for him intact.

        • Sydney Bristow

          My father in law is very similar. We avoid discussing politics at all costs. Or, I do. Sometimes he wants to and I try to avoid it. We will never agree and it only results in hurt feelings.

    • Cc

      They don’t. If you told me years ago that my father and people like him would be voting for Clinton I would have told you you were crazy. But here we are and he is because although he strongly aligns with much of the traditional republican platform as an educated, intelligent person he won’t vote for trump. It’s why trump isn’t supported by the elite schools or cities known to be intelligent/industrious. A huge part of America lacks any sort of critical thinking skills related to all sorts of issues. They grab on to sound bites about corruption and like his way of yelling and seeming confident. Also, plenty just can’t fathom a woman in office. If Hillary was a typical white male candidate you’d have a very different race.

      • Senior Attorney

        That’s Lovely Fiance. Lifelong Republican, fiscal conservative, late 60s, well-educated lawyer. Can’t stand Trump and after two days of watching the Republican convention he re-registered to vote as a Democrat.

        • Cc

          Probably very similar. Consistently voted republican when it was more of a live and let live candidate on social issues like McCain and Romney. Thinks Clinton has problems with the truth but certainly thinks that trump has more of a problem. Knows that Clinton is at her core a smart competent person who at least will keep the trains running for 4 years

          • anon anon

            What happened to freedom of thought and speech here? If you want to be a one-party nation of your own choice, move elsewhere. There’s a reason the founding fathers (and the UK for example) have basically “two party systems” …

            If you want to see a different version of DT, and I doubt 99% of the posters here do, check out his interview with Feherty on the Golf Channel.

            If you want to see a different version of HRC, there’s no where to go but the comment of “what does it really matter” – people sacrificed themselves for what? Oh what does it matter, they were government employees and she’s one as well.

            This business of equating intellect with political parties is absurd and revolting, and uninformed. Check out the IQ data – it has nothing to do with politics. It is inherited and environmentally influenced. Over the many decades, the research continues to show it is 50/50 nature and nurture.

            Grow up. Everyone who is different from you in some way is no better than you. Oh, isn’t that the point about “all men are created equal” in our country.

            Let’s fly the flag and stand beside it, not on top of it.

          • Cc

            This comment is almost unintelligible. But I have no problem with the two party system. My problem is that one of those parties elected a bigoted ego manic.

          • Anonymous

            to anon anon – you have freedom of thought and speech but that doesn’t mean other people have to like what you have to say. If I think someone is a racist or a bigot then I’m not impacting their freedom of thought or speech by telling them that. You lack freedom of thought or speech if the government tries to put you in jail for what you said.

            And “All men are created equal”? With Trump all cis gendered white males will be created equal and the h*ll with everyone else

            Under Clinton – actual equality but many people with privilege are terrified of that.

          • Anonymous

            What? I don’t think anyone has a problem with Republicans or is advocating for a one-party system. Nor do I think anyone’s saying that all Republicans are stupid or uneducated. People are saying specifically that supporting Donald Trump is incompatible with an open-minded worldview. I don’t doubt that DJT has the capacity to act like a reasonable person, but that’s not how he’s chosen to present himself in this campaign. He’s spouted horrible rhetoric about women and minorities, made a lot of inflammatory statements on any number of topics, and has made zero attempt to conduct himself with the dignity that I believe the position of POTUS deserves and demands. He hasn’t articulated researched and considered policy positions, but relies on glib soundbites proposing simple, unrealistic, and often offensive/illegal solutions to serious, complex problems. I don’t think this is the default of the Republican party as a whole, I think this is a problem specifically with Trump.

            As we say here so often w/r/t significant others: when people show you who they are, believe them. People are incredulous that educated, intelligent Americans support *this* Republican, because of the reasons above, not that reasonable people can’t disagree on the role of government and its priorities.

        • LynneNY

          I get that some people don’t care about social issues the way many of us do. But what I find hard to understand about Trump supporters is that Trump shows us practically every day that he doesn’t have a lot of self control, and that he is very quick to attack anyone who disagrees with him without thinking much about it first. Doesn’t everyone know that the president can make the decision to launch a nuclear attack? Do Trump fans have no sense of self preservation? Or do they think a nuclear war started by an aggrieved Trump would somehow not affect them?

          • Anonymous

            LynneNY,
            My sister and neighbor were having this exact conversation last weekend, almost verbatim. I was simply listening. No longer do I feel shocked, saddened, hopeless…at this display (debates) of behavior. On the contrary, only hopeful, that being humane towards all individuals will prevail…but it must first start with people, decidedly not seeing themselves as superior to others. One’s loss of the freedoms that money buys, is all it will take. Really, at the end of the day, we’re all just fallible, breakable, sinful people. Not a real big deal in God’s world.

  12. anonymous

    Here’s a story for y’all. My fiance and I are sublimely happy. Obviously we are on Cloud 9 engaged, but things were wonderful even before that.

    Since our engagement, an oooooolld flame of mine cropped up. I have not spoken to this sack of dirt in years because he strung me along for a long time after dumping me in a callous way. I decided never to let him string me along again and stopped talking to him and began to date new people. He would continue to reach out and I would continue to avoid until I felt nothing for him. (So freeing!) When I met my now fiance, I felt even more strongly about this no-talk position because even though I had no feelings for him, it felt unfair to let this awful guy steal even a minute’s worth of my attention from the happy life my fiance and I have created.

    Well, since our engagement, sack of dirt decided to write me a letter, telling me he still loves me, asking me to reconsider my engagement. I threw it away and told my fiance about it (it didn’t upset him, I just don’t keep secrets from him) and didn’t reach out. I told a friend of mine about this, who scoffed at the nerve of this guy and informed me that he is still dating his gf of some time. I have no plans to talk to this guy ever again, but man if it doesn’t make me angry for her/womankind, especially because I was strung along by him for so long. I just feel like the poor girl deserves better than for her boyfriend to be sending love letters to his ex-gf from years ago who is happily engaged! I feel like this guy thought he was making some big romcom gesture, but in reality, it’s just an awful thing to do.

    • CCD

      You used the terms “engaged,” “fiance” and “happy” *so* many times in this post I am wondering who you are trying to convince here.

      • Anonymous

        OP – ignore this comment. Yes your ex is a jerk but there are lots of jerks out there. Be happy with your fiance and don’t waste more time worrying about this guy.

        • OP anonymous

          Ha, yeah, I used those terms so there wasn’t pronoun confusion between him/he/his. (I also used sack of dirt plenty of times, which in my head was sack of $h!t.) Just wanted to share a crazy story where romcom grand gestures are in fact awful in real life and where I didn’t feel secretly redeemed that ‘I won’ but rather disgusted and annoyed.

          • cbackson

            So many romcom gestures are terrible in real life.

            My ex-husband and I had broken up (when we were dating). He drove from Alaska to New York to surprise me with a ring from Tiffany in Hudson River Park. So romantic, right? No. I was almost over him, but I was so swept away by the gesture that I jumped right back into that hot mess. That ill-conceived relationship should have ended when we broke up, but instead, his realization that he truly loved me didn’t last, and we got divorced after three years of marriage, two of which were miserable.

            Honestly, the most romantic thing to me would be a dude who doesn’t need to make big gestures to paper over the cracks (or canyons!) in our relationship, but rather just tries on a day-in, day-out basis to be a good partner. I want to see THAT romcom.

          • OP anonymous

            Totally, cbackson!

            Sorry to everyone else but nah. I told the story because I have read a lot of others on this board that want to go back to an ex that was terrible to them. I think drama can trick people into thinking things are good, but it’s just a facade. (I guess because people living happily together without any drama isn’t something anyone wants to see; movies need conflict.) I thought it was worth sharing (and glad you did, too) that sometimes grand gestures are really just to make up for being cr@ppy otherwise. This is why I also believe as an almost-always rule that people shouldn’t go back to exes – but that’s just me. Life is just better in an easy relationship.

          • Anonshmanon

            I enjoyed reading it. In true romcom style, you should of course devise a way for his gf to “accidentally find out”. If this were a movie, that is.

      • Anonymous

        Yuppppp. You obvi still want this dude. Why you trying so hard to convince us.

        • Anonymous

          Yea, I didn’t get that read from this at all… (not sarcasm, I seriously did not get that impression even a little bit)

      • anon

        Well, often when someone comments about an old flame or a jerk or a dude who needs to control his relationship with his wife better rather than putting the onus on a different woman, she gets jumped on with “are you suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuure you’re really happy/don’t miss him/aren’t harboring feelings?”

    • Anonymous

      The right thing to do is probably to tell her. Personally, though, I wouldn’t invite that kind of drama into my life. I don’t want an already-crazy ex to have any more reason to harass me, and I don’t want some woman I’ve never met to either call me a lying insert-string-of-profanity-here or, alternatively, hunt me down to get all the details about why her BF wrote me that letter. Sorry, world, I’m sure I’ll incur some bad karma for saying this, but to me, this is a not my circus, not my monkeys moment.

      • E

        +1.

        Sure, in a perfect world, the girlfriend would respond to this kind of information by thanking the messenger, whoever she might be, and dumping the emotionally unfaithful asshole ASAP. But this isn’t that world, and it seems extremely unlikely to me that that’s actually what would happen. Drama is much more likely, and who needs it.

    • Old Flame

      Hi, are you me?! I’ve posted here twice recently about an old flame; mercifully, mine hasn’t made as huge and creepy of a guesture as yours has with this letter. I understand why you would share a story like this. It’s such a bizarre thing for a man to do, and you feel like you have to tell someone, but you don’t want to make a big deal of it in real life (with fiance, or real life friends) because you don’t want them to think you “care.” You don’t CARE care, in that you don’t want him back, but you “care” in the sense that this is someone who hurt you, whom you cared about for a long time, and you can still feel strongly even if what you feel is not love (or hate). I am sorry your ex is a crazy obsessive sociopath, and when you are done unpacking his weird behavior, I hope you can devote your thoughts to your happy new relationship.

      • OP anonymous

        Except I don’t feel strongly about him. I don’t think about him. My dear friend is recently broken up and today told me she wanted to go back to the guy so I re-told this insane tale to her, and I thought I’d tell it here because I’ve seen people here, like you, post the same thoughts. Grand gestures are romanticized in movies, but really they are a sign of drama and conflict. As you can see from here and cbackson’s story, in real life they are just a flat-out =No. (Also, another friend told me that once some old flame contacted his mom like 10 years ago, ya know after she had been married for 25 years with adult kids, hahaha!)

        Anyway, I promptly threw the letter out and then took the trash out. Don’t want that in my house.

    • Karma

      Yeah but I would be so low key happy he wanted me back. Even if I hated him and were currently happy. It’s just sort of satisfying to know someone who treats you so poorly finally realizes what they are missing AND you don’t have to put up with that anymore. It’s like you dodged a bullet and he finally (maybe) has to go through what he put you through.

      • OP anonymous

        Yeah, maybe for some, but for me it was a flat-out no. It was embarrassing, inappropriate, and just plain annoying. Would have definitely preferred he just faded away like other exes do and just live their lives. Prefer my no-drama, easy, happy life.

    • Sydney Bristow

      Something really similar happened to one of my best friends. She’s been married for years now and every 2-3 years he comes back out of the woodwork and tries to get in touch to see if she’s happy or ready to leave her husband yet. She’s never responded. Definitely feel bad for the girlfriend but stick with your total communications blackout.

    • Anon

      So how did he know you were engaged? Tell me you are still friends on social media…

  13. Cruise Wear

    Speaking of fall weather… I am going on a cruise in Alaska in August. As far as I can tell, the weather will be really variable – low 60s to mid 80s, frequent rain. What to wear?? In this 90-deg weather, I forget what cooler weather wear even looks like.

    My year-long casual wear is 85% dresses, with tights in the winter. Occasional “nice” jeans. I don’t really feel like schlubbing around the cruise in adventure pants and windbreakers, and will pack those for the occasional excursions. Can I wear my sundresses and sandals, maybe with cardigans thrown on top? Do I need to wear tights and booties? I’ve never been on a cruise before, but I intend to read books, play games and snuggle with my husband, do silly activities like dance lessons, and enjoy the view. Mid-20s, youthful style. Help!! (Specific recs, extra credit)

    • Anonymous

      Alaska cruises can be chilly (keep in mind it will feel 5-10 degrees colder than the air temperature, because you’re on a boat and it’s windy). I wouldn’t plan on wearing dresses except in the evenings, for dinners and the show. Sundresses would look odd, IMO. I suppose you could wear sweaterdresses, and I’d recommend tights if you’re at all cold-blooded, but I just think that would look too dressy. Alaska is so casual because of the weather and the fact that it’s so outdoorsy and active. I’m not sure if you’ve done other cruises, but I’ve cruised the Caribbean several times and Alaska once, and the Alaska cruise was noticeably more casual than the Caribbean cruises. Even on formal nights people didn’t really dress up that much. Definitely bring jeans and casual sweaters. Will you be enjoying the view from the comfort of a balcony cabin or do you plan to be out on deck? If you plan to be out on deck for extended periods of time, I’d recommend lots of layers, including a peacoat, a windbreaker, a hat and gloves. The air coming off those glaciers is cooold and with the windchill I needed all that winter gear.

    • ITDS

      You will look cute in your sundress and cardigan, and super cute if you bring tights in case it’s cold. If you have any sweatery winter dresses you might bring one along. Honestly a lot of people don’t dress very nicely during the day on a cruise, but those of us who do notice that the staff seems to appreciate it and service improves.

      • Anonymous

        No, you will be so COLD! I was shocked at how cold an Alaska cruise was a few years ago. I had brought long sleeved shirts and jeans, along with some sweaters and windbreakers. I ended up having to buy a sweatshirt because I was freezing all of the time. I can’t even image how I would have managed with only sundresses and cardigans.

    • Alaska bound.

      We’re doing an Alaska cruise in August too! We’ll be going up the Inner Passage.

      I lived in Alaska for a summer so I know to pack for cool, wet weather. Think layers.

      I’m planning on jeans, yoga pants for when we go hiking on the excursions, warm boots and socks, warm hat/mittens/scarf, and a warm jacket that can get wet and withstand wind. Alaskans place a premium on fleece vests so I’m packing both of mine. For the boat, I was planning on LBD for formal nights, yoga gear, comfy ballet shoes, and maybe casual dresses. I’m bringing along my camelback for excursion days, a flashlight, rain gear, binoculars, fancy camera, meclizine, and books to read.

      I’m considering bringing a down comforter for curling up on the balcony with hot chocolate. I usually take my own down comforter on ski trips and never regret it–hotel and cabin blankets just aren’t warm enough for me.

      • Anon

        I did an Alaska cruise at the end of July last year. Don’t overthink or overpack. We packed one carry on and one day bag each. You can get laundry done on the ship (at least you could on ours — check Cruise Critic to see if you can on yours) very cheaply about midway through the trip. Cruise Critic also has packing lists. Do take a highlighter to highlight things you want to do on the daily calendar.

        We packed layers — jeans, fleeces, and light North Face jackets. Dresses would have been impractical and chilly. You can’t go whale watching or hiking in dresses, and we were only on the ship for a few hours/day and the at sea day. For Alaska cruises, at least ours, no one wore gowns. A knee length dress is fine. I packed one and wore it both of the dressier nights with different jewelry and it was fine.

    • Anonymous

      When I travel to outdoorsy places, I wear hiking shoes with my casual dress and comfy fleece tights if I don’t feel like packing boots. You would also probably look fine if you added footless tights and wore your sandals, but it may be cold. When you’re out on a cold body of water, the wind blowing across it is kind of like air conditioning. If it’s 80 on land, it will probably feel cooler on the water.

    • anon

      I did an Alaska cruise in mid-August a few years ago. Do not plan to wear sundresses. Maybe you’ll get away with one, with cardigan and tights. But it will be cold. We had unusually good weather- a number of sunny days rather than rainy or cloudy, and fairly warm, with highs in the 60s. It got over 70 on maybe? one day. That said, I don’t think I ever went outside in just a tshirt except while doing a fairly active hike. Most days in Alaska are cloudy/rainy, 60 degrees, with cooler nights (40-50 depending on where you are). I recall wearing a dress to one of the nice dinners, but not outside. You don’t have to wear adventure pants (love), but jeans will suit you just fine on the boat or the more low-key shore excursions. I pretty much wore jeans, a sweater/long sleeved shirt, and a fleece and/or heavier water proof coat on the boat. Windbreakers are your friend.

  14. Being Taken Care Of

    This is going to sound like an insane question, but here goes: does anyone ever just really want to be nurtured or taken care of? My mom is not and never has been a warm and fuzzy person, neither is my husband. My sister is, and she’d probably humor me, but she lives 2,000+ miles away. I have a little kid, I work, I’m helping out a couple friends with some hard things and just generally keeping it together… and I just really want someone to take care of me like I’m a little kid because I’m tired of taking care of so many people and things. I want someone to wrap me in blanket and hold me and smooth my hair. And then plan a wonderful fun day for me where I don’t have to make any decisions, I just have to show up and great things happen. Dream the impossible dream, right?

    • Aunt Jamesina

      If you talked to your husband about this, would he indulge you? And it can’t just be a one and done deal, like a gift certificate for a pedicure, but something more regular. My husband brings me coffee in bed most mornings and makes me an herbal tea before bed. Give him something concrete that would help you feel better. Nobody should feel like they’re the nurturer 100% of the time, it’s emotionally exhausting. I hope you get some rest!

    • Jimmy K

      I love being care for as well and it really is hard to find that as an adult. I just want some mothering time to time. My mother has passed away so I get it when i visit my aunts. I also go to woman who is older for my facial and eyebrow threading. Its very comforting.

    • Anonshmanon

      FWIW, you can take care of yourself. For me, that actually fills the void that you describe, as my mom is also not a fuzzy one. The thing is, when someone fusses over me (MIL, I am looking at you), I get super annoyed.
      Send husband and kiddo errand running and then to the zoo. Cook/order your favourite dish, no sharing. Take a bath, or a nap.

      • Being Taken Care Of

        I do the self care thing too, but it’s not the same. I want another actual person to take care of me. I want to feel the love of someone who is just focusing on me and making me happy. At a certain level it feels pretty sad when I’m taking care of others, especially when I’m going out of my way to do something nice, and no one is taking care of me.

      • Penny

        That is why I like yoga classes so much. Someone else is bossing me around, but in a calm and nice way! Hooray!

        • Anonymous

          I’m like 99% sure this explains the popularity of 50 Shades of Grey, by the way. I have this theory that the housewives of America are all dying to be bossed around because they’re so sick of being the domestic dom1natr1x.

          • Being Taken Care Of

            …. you know, I think that is so true. I think women are in charge of pretty much everything at this point in terms of actually getting shit done. It does seem like a fantasy to have someone else make the decisions.

      • profmama

        Yes! My therapist offers the supportive appreciation that my mother never did – and we’re working on how I can let go of my wish to have had that.

        Massages, pedicures, yoga, take out are other ways others can take care of you.

    • Runner 5

      Totally. It was crystallised for me when I was visiting my parents over Easter and I had to have breakfast by myself because my dad had made my mum breakfast in bed. I just burst into tears about having to do everything by and for myself. Yes, I’m proud I can be self sufficient but sometimes I wish I didn’t have to be.

    • Krys

      Yes. French braid my hair. Bottle of wine. Driver to the pool. Back rub. Food just delivered. Yas. 100%

      Spa day maybe in order for you.

    • Anon

      I have a mother who does a similar thing and it’s a swing and a miss. In practice, she annoys the crap out of me, makes my house messier, and my kids behave poorly around her when she “comes to help out.”

      So ideally, yes. In my world imI’d rather just go it alone. My DH is not up to the task but takes direction well.

    • Anonny

      I have never as a functional human (say age 8) had the experience of someone cook me three meals a day. Most men have this experience every single day and it makes me so mad. I’d give anything for someone to cook me three meals. I want someone to be as kind to me as I am to everyone else.

      • Senior Attorney

        Right? So crazy.

        I always said that all I wanted was for somebody to cook a meal and put it down on the table in front of me. And now that Lovely Fiance does that for me on a regular basis, I always tell him “I thought it would be awesome, but I was wrong about what it would really be like in real life. It is way way way WAY better than I thought it would be!”

        OP, I hope you can ask your husband for what you want and what you deserve.

      • Maddie Ross

        There is literally nothing better than having someone decide on, shop for, and prepare your meals. My mom came to watch my child while I was in trial a few months ago – every night when I got home I had a home cooked meal waiting for me. It was all traditional comfort food – chili, chicken and rice casserole, lasagna – and it was heavenly.

        • Sydney Bristow

          The decision part sounds minor but sounds so nice to me! My husband cooks dinner most of the time but he doesn’t normally like to make the decision either. Making decisions is the last thing either of us wants to make at the end of the day. Having someone cook for me is so awesome though.

          I totally understand what the OP is longing for too though. I’ve been thinking how amazing a spa weekend sounds. I feel like I haven’t been able to just completely relax for a really long time.

          • Spirograph

            Yes! My husband does things, but only after I’ve done the thinking. He grocery shops and cooks dinner at least half the time. But I always make the list and the meal plan for the week. And on and on. I get so angry sometimes when he asks me what he should make for dinner or what we’re doing on the weekend or anything like that. I don’t care, just pick and let me come along for the ride without needing to plan everything for once.

            I would love to have someone take care of me for a few days. Love, love, love.

          • Cc

            Sydney this is exactly what blue apron is for! I have free coupon codes if you want to try it just leave an email. We thought we’d only use it once in a while but now use it every week

          • Senior Attorney

            OMG I love Blue Apron! We get it every week too, and it has been a total game-changer!

      • ChiLaw

        I am so so lucky that my husband does this for me — all the meal prep, shopping, the whole deal. Admittedly he’s the stay at home parent so that’s (part of) his job, but oh my gosh never having to do the mental labor of thinking of what’s for dinner, it’s so valuable. (I should think about this more often, esp. on days like today when I am irrationally grumpy toward him.)

    • Wildkitten

      Agree completely. Have you read The Love Languages? Your love language might be acts of service (or it might be physical touch) and his might be different. BF might think he’s doing a great job by performing his love language, not knowing you’d like something else.

  15. Leigh

    I need advice. I accepted a position in May, but have been working for the company for a few months before that.

    There are days I enjoy the work, but days like the past two I just want to break down and scream and/or cry.

    I know 6 months is too soon to start job hunting but I feel like if I have to do the last two days over again, I’m literally going to lose my mind. How long is too soon to start job hunting so it doesn’t look terrible on my resume? I was at my previous position/company for 9 years if that matters.

    • Leigh

      Also if it matters, I work in the medical field in an administrative position.

    • Aunt Jamesina

      I think you’re allowed one short stint on your resume. Being with a different company for nine years is a relative rarity these days, so I think that helps the narrative that this was more about your job than your lacking the ability to stick with it.

  16. ChiLaw

    I agree. I just interviewed (and hired) someone with a similar pace on her resume. She left Job A after many years for a good reason, and discovered, to her dismay, that Job B was a terrible fit. We are Job C. I am not worried, at all, about her bouncing out of this job. Job B was her short stint — this job isn’t.

    • Anonymous

      Are you my boss!? Your description of your employee is exactly me. I was at Job B for only about 8 months but thankfully Job C seems to be working out great so far. Agree with other comments that you’re allowed one job you leave ASAP. Just don’t make a habit of it.

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