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Updated: Oct 30, 2018 198 Comments · by

Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Texture Knit Zip Front Fitted Jacket

The Personal Shopper (TPS)

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Collarless Cotton Blend Jacket: Rebecca Taylor Texture Knit Zip Front Fitted JacketOur daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. There's still a ton of great fall stuff in the Nordstrom Anniversary Sale, with lots of sizes left, including this prettty black knit cotton-blend jacket from Rebecca Taylor. I love the peplum waist, the stretchy fabric, and the texture to the knit, which gives it a lot of interest. It might just be the perfect kind of thing to buy to keep as the black jacket you keep at the office. It's currently marked to $317, but will go back up to $475 after the sale ends. Rebecca Taylor Texture Knit Zip Front Fitted Jacket Here's a similarish blazer that's down to $70 today in sizes 0-18 (and petites); here's a similar option in plus sizes. You can see all our picks from the NAS here. Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-all)

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Comments

  1. Becca

    Help with gifts for a very smart 8 year old? She’s very into space, music, reading. Looking for something possibly NASA/Space related. Also, any ideas for her little 5 year old sister? She’s into basically anything her sister loves.

    • Cb

      How much do you like her parents? If you like them, a microscope or a telescope? Or a trip with you to the planetarium? If you don’t like the parents, buy her a rock tumbler.

        • Cb

          Aww, that’s really sweet! My husband’s cousin has two amazing kids around the same age and they are so much fun. I’m sure they’d love a day out with you if they live locally? I really like the Izzy Peck Architect and assorted books as well – exposing them to different careers.

          • Becca

            I wish I could take them out! I’m in DC and they’re in upstate NY. I will check out the book suggestions! She reads voraciously.

          • mascot

            If you are in DC, does the Smithsonian (particularly the Air and Space) have any unique items?

    • mascot

      Fatbrain toys and mindware are some good places to get ideas for cool gifts. You can sort by age and interest for kids. There are lots of STEM type toys/projects.

    • Ellen

      Yay, Kat! This is a great thread with Becca leadeing it off! I was like this as a little girl, and Rosa did everything I did. I also was into space, so Dad arranged for us to go on a SPECIAL tour of the Hayeden Planetarium in New York City, b/c he knew the cureator. They showed us rocks and planet’s and space stuff, and this was right when there was the stuff with the Challenger diseaster. I was very interested in becomeing the NEXT Sally Ride, but decided to become a lawyer.

      Becca, if you live anywhere near NYC, come to the Hayeden planetarum, and if you are out west, Dad says go to the Palomar observatory. You can looke them up on the Web. YAY for your kid’s who sound as smart as me and Rosa!

    • Anonymous

      A Wrinkle in Time, Madeline L’Engle
      Constellation book – finding them, the stories behind them
      How things work books, or other DK books on Space.

        • InfoGeek

          You might look at the H.A. Rey Find the Constellations book (yes, the Curious George guy).

          Alternatively, look at publisher D.K. for non-fiction books with lots of photos and illustrations. Look at both their kid and adult titles. There are lots that an interested kid will enjoy even if they’re classified as adult.

    • Anonymous

      It’s a huuuge gift, but Space Camp was amazing when I was that age and space obsessed. And honestly I think my parents liked it almost as much as I did.

      • Anonypotamous

        I was just going to recommend this, but I think Space Camp may be for slightly older? 12+? Something to keep on the back burners.

        • Anonymous

          9+ to go solo. Younger kids can go to “family space camp” with parents or grandparents.

          • Wildkitten

            As someone who always wanted to go, but never could afford it, you can start a “Space Camp Fund” for her where you deposit money. That also might keep her interested in STEM every time you make the deposit, keeping her motivated, instead her succumbing to the discouraging patriarchy.

    • Susan

      Check out the View Master VR – you need a smartphone, but you can download the app or buy the “reels”. It also works with Google cardboard. There’s a space reel and it’s super cool!

    • Anonymous

      Please get her astronaut ice cream!!! I still haven’t tried it. 8-year-old me wants to.

    • lost academic

      Flight suit? If she’s precocious enough, there’s robotics and programming kits for kids (Arduino).

      • Anonymous

        Do your homework before getting an Arduino. Some of the kits require soldering. I would not recommend any of them for a kid that young.

        • lost academic

          I think it’s a ‘know your audience’ sort of thing – not all kits require soldering, and at the same time, half the kids I know between 8-10 already solder (generally with supervision).

    • Anonymous

      My 9-year-old with similar interests was given a planetarium for Christmas, and it was very disappointing. It didn’t project bright dots for the stars on a darkened ceiling–it projected light all over the ceiling with blurry black dots for the stars. So check the product description and reviews carefully before purchasing a planetarium.

      Snap Circuits are great for both the 8-year-old and the 5-year-old. Goldie Blox look cool, but my daughter has found that they fall apart. Roominate is a fun STEM/building toy for both ages. If you are looking to spend $$$ on the 8-year-old, check out LittleBits. The Gizmos and Gadgets kit is a great starter kit for an 8-year-old. My 9-year-old did all the projects in the kit without help.

      • Becca

        I found these cute little robot kits that you can use a soda can with! I think she’ll love it. Thanks everyone for all the fantastic suggestions! I’m set for birthday and Christmas now, too!

    • Anonymous

      If she likes astronomy, you can actually see a lot with a pair of really good binoculars — less expensive and easier to use than a telescope. Also consider one of those solar eclipse viewers — you can use it to look at the sun any time and count sunspots.

    • Runner 5

      Box set of the Swallows and Amazons books. They’re about exploring and standing on your own two feet.

    • Lorelai Gilmore

      There’s a cool programmable space rover sold at Mindware.com. It’s really fun.

    • Out of Place Engineer

      Have you looked into a subscription to Tinker Crate? It Is a cool box that comes monthly with a couple of projects around a theme — like basic electronics, mechanical puppets, etc. So much fun and the gift that keeps giving. They have a box for younger kids, too — Koala Crate — that is more arts/crafts themed.

  3. Anonymous

    If you were interviewing at an Art museum for a position on the fundraising side of things would you dress more artsy than normal? I have two outfits in mind:

    1. More conservative: Grey skirt suit, magenta shirt with a high neckline and a knot detail, black shoes, black bag with gold details

    2. More artsy: Grey skirt suit, magenta shirt, blue suede shoes (royal blue in color), and simple black bag

    • Anonymous

      So you’re asking if you should wear black or blue shoes? Otherwise the outfit is the same? Personally, I would wear gray or burgundy/oxblood shoes with that outfit. If you’re going to wear blue then I think you need to incorporate the blue somewhere else, like jewelry or a belt.

      Are you planning to wear anything over the top? I have a friend who’s in a similar role in museums and she’s always worn a blazer or structured cardigan to interviews. Ymmv, though.

      • Diana Barry

        I think she is wearing a blazer. I agree about the shoes – I would put another color other than blue (but I hate cobalt, so YMMV) with that outfit.

    • Also in arts fundraising

      Depends on the art museum. Remember, fundraising is still on the conservative side of things. #1 for a stodgier, more historic art museum, #2 for modern art and the like.

    • Anon

      I would go with #1. Your donors are most likely conservative finance/business type people. I get that being artsy would be a nice intro, but you can show that side once you show them how you know your client.

  4. Jealous Btch

    I am having some really selfish, mean, awful feelings that I can’t really tell anyone about.

    My sister just found out she’s pregnant. Yay!

    She is due in April. I am getting married in early June. I set the date long before she was pregnant, and she has been mad about it, because she had planned that as her “baby summer.” Apparently her last and only opportunity to have a third baby… (she is 32). It’s been a weird ongoing fight and guilt trip from her. She went off the pill 4 weeks ago and immediately got knocked up.

    I feel (in a really self-absorbed way) that she has “stolen my thunder.” She and my mom live in the same town and see each other every day. My mom is my sister’s main support network- she babysits 5x/week etc. During my sister’s other (healthy) pregnancies, my mom was basically ‘on call’ 7 days a week. Cleaning their house, running errands. And managing everything after the birth of the baby.

    Because my mom lives far away, we had planned for her to come visit me several times in the spring to do fun wedding-planning activities. This is a time in my life I have greatly looked forward to. Now, because sis is pregnant, it’s very unlikely that my mom will be able to visit or help plan at all. Meanwhile, she’ll be charged with planning a baby shower, etc, for my sister. They have also made it clear that my sister may be unable to come to my wedding at all, which is heartbreaking. Even if she does, with an infant, she will be exhausted, unable to really celebrate (she is a miserable infant mom). She is my matron of honor, and I was so excited to share this with her.

    I guess I am feeling disappointed and jealous. Sad that my wedding won’t really be a big event for my family. Sad that I will miss this quality time with my mom and that my sister might miss my wedding. Just old-fashioned sibling rivalry. How can I snap out of this and just feel joyful for all of the wonderful things happening to my family? I feel really guilty for these negative thoughts.

    • mascot

      I’m sorry. Your wedding can still be a great, fun event. You’ll just have an extra tiny person in the pictures. Can you give everyone a little bit of time to process this news and then talk to your mom about how this impacts her plans to come see you? Pregnancy is 9 months and there’s no current reason to think your sister will be incapacitated, your mom can still find some time in there to come do all the fun wedding things with you. It sounds like your mom is your sister’s childcare provider? To the extent you can, give your mom advanced notice of events so she can plan to be off (just like you would if she worked any other job) and to allow your sister to find alternate arrangements. It’s uncommon in my circles to throw an elaborate baby shower for a 3rd child so maybe your mom won’t be expected to do so here. And, if there are matron of honor duties that your sister can’t do, tap some of your other friends to step in. I’m sure they will be happy to help out.

      • Anonymous

        Bad form to have baby shower for second or later babies.

        Also bad form to throw a shower for your family members.

        I hope your sister plans her own d*mn “sip and see” after the baby arrives (on a day that doesn’t conflict with pre-wedding events). And that you mom gets to go as a guest, not a servant. People will show up with fresh onesies and burp cloths and washcloths for the new baby, I promise.

        • Anonymous

          I didn’t realize that it was bad form to throw a shower for family members. Ime the new mom’s mother and/or MIL usually throws the shower. Is this not normal?

          • Anonymous

            Agree. It has always been the mother or MIL that throws the shower in my region. Showers for first baby and sprinkles for subsequent – smaller guest list and note that no gifts please or bring a favorite children’s book etc.

          • Spirograph

            In my circles, it’s always friends who host. But admittedly not many of us have local family… The one shower I hosted I was in close contact with the mom-to-be’s mom and sister, as they wanted to be involved even though they lived far away, but it was definitely not their show.

          • Aunt Jamesina

            I think it’s become much more common for family to host because people are having babies later on in life, when they’re likely to have friends scattered all over the place, and many people of childbearing age aren’t living in suburban houses that are ideal for showers. My friends (in our early 30s) mostly live in city condos and apartments, where parking and party space are at a premium. Our parents are almost all in the suburbs with homes with larger living spaces. What usually happens in my circle is that an aunt or mother volunteers to host early on, and friends help with planning. I think the idea was generally that family shouldn’t host because it looks gift grabby, but it’s not like the your mother or aunt are really benefitting from baby gifts.

            Emily Post says it’s fine now: http://emilypost.com/advice/shower-etiquette/

            Shower for any baby after the first is silly, barring unusual circumstances (“oops” baby years after you’ve given away all your baby stuff, quadruplets, etc.)

          • Penny

            It is the new normal. It IS commonly thought to be against “proper” etiquette, but honestly I don’t get why it’s ok for a friend to do it but not a family member – it’s a gift grab no matter who technically throws it, and honestly I think it’s more polite to have your family absorb the costs than to push it on friends. If it’s 10 people at a friend’s apartment that is one thing, but it’s way, way overstepping to expect a friend to shell out the cash to have a large shower, especially those that are hosted at restaurants. I don’t think I have ever been to a shower that wasn’t hosted by a family member and I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone who actually thought it was rude.

    • Anonymous

      OK none of this makes any sense. Why would your mom plan a baby shower for your sister’s 3rd? or more? baby?! Why can your sister not come to your wedding 2 months after she has a baby? I flew to my grandparents’ 60th anniversary family reunion with a 2 month old — it never even occurred to me to skip that major family event. Why can your family not handle two things at once? Why can your mom not skip out on a couple non-consecutive weeks of housekeeping for your sister (!) to share once-in-a-lifetime events with you?

      I’m very sorry you’re having these feelings, and I really hope that you’re being a little dramatic and this is all actually going to work out much better than you’ve laid it out here. Because if not, your family is just bizarre. Sorry. I say that with love; you have every right to be upset if this is the actual reality of the situation, because I would say it is not. normal. You don’t need to snap out of it, your sister and your mom need a reality check.

      • Diana Barry

        Agreed. I don’t get why your mom would need to not plan stuff for the wedding bc she is tending to your sister. And WTF, a shower?

        Also, you can totally go to a wedding with a newborn. I’ve done it and lots of people in my family have done it. The whole situation is just weird to me.

      • Jen

        This. I was 5 weeks PP at my brothers wedding. Did not even occur to me to skip it. My bridesmaid dress was chosen with care to hide my wholly unpredictable PP body but other than that, no major accomodations.

        • anon

          Yes, this I was 3 weeks PP at my college friend’s wedding. Brought the baby and the in-laws with us. 3 week old stayed with my in-laws in the hotel while hubs and I went to the wedding. Pumped and dumped. Oh, and my 3 year old puked all over the car on the ride down. It was fantastic.

          Would do it all over again to be there for a friend and can’t even imagine not doing it for a sibling!

      • Anon for this

        This. I’m pregnant with my third child and due in about a month. My mom isn’t local to us, but is a teacher and normally spends lots of time with my family in the summer. This summer, though, she went to visit my sister, who lives abroad, for 6 weeks. I’d love to have my mom here, but sister’s entitled to her time, too, and mom is entitled to choose how she spends her vacation (and if I were my mom, I’d pick an amazing trip over hanging out with a cranky pregnant lady every time, so no judgement).

        Just saying, being pregnant doesn’t mean you get to monopolize everyone else’s life for months on end. And having a grandchild on the way doesn’t have to mean you ignore your non-gestating children.

        • Anonymous

          Enjoy your Baby Summer! You sound like the sort of sister I’d chose if I were chosing a sister :)

    • Anonymous

      You’re not a “jealous bitch”. You just wish that your relationship with your mother and sister was different than it is (not just because of the baby).

      One of the hardest parts of adulthood has been accepting that my relationship with my sister will not be as close as I had hoped. We have grown in two very different directions and have very different priorities/lives. I’m accepted that and focused on relationships with close friends but it’s not easy.

      Is there a close friend who can step up to help more? How is your relationship with your MIL or a close aunt? They may be honored to be more involved.

    • Anonymous

      I don’t think your sister “stole your thunder” in any way, shape or form. When you want a baby, you’re allowed to try immediately, even if your sister is getting married within the next year. Stealing your thunder would be announcing her pregnancy at your engagement party or wedding. And if she already knows she’s pregnant, she must be due at least two months before your wedding. If she has two small kids already, adding an infant probably isn’t going to hugely change her wedding-day involvement. You can take a couple of breaks during the event to nurse and still be a wonderful, super-involved MOH (my BFF was).

      I do think it’s fair to feel sad if your family doesn’t care about celebrating you, but you blame them for that, not for you sister’s timing in getting knocked up. Talk to your mom and tell her how much you were looking forward to her involvement and help in planning. Hopefully she will still want to do that. Most moms would be overjoyed to simultaneously help plan a wedding and prepare for a grandbaby. If she suddenly drops any involvement your wedding like a hot potato just because your sis is pregnant again, the person to blame is your mom not your sister.

      • Anonymous

        Totally agree that you’re allowed to have a baby whenever you want, but you’re also allowed to have your wedding whenever you want. It’s crappy for the sister to guilt OP about her wedding, which was planned before sister even started trying. Like, complaining that the wedding is during her “baby summer”? Wtf even is that? If sister didn’t want to deal with the wedding while PG then she should’ve waited a couple of months to start trying.

      • Anon for this

        I slightly disagree here. You can avoid having a baby certain months. Taking a month or two off doesn’t make a huge difference in the grand life scheme of having kids, even if you are older. She could have started trying earlier so her baby was older or held off a few more months so she’d still be pregnant and not close to her due date. While you can’t plan when you will be pregnant you can generally avoid being pregnant at times that are really important to you. Personally, my sister or best friends wedding would be really important to me. I think it’s selfish to intentionally have a baby in that same 3 month period.

        • Anonymous

          To be honest, it’s a third baby. I did a lot of things with 5-week-old babies (even the first). But a subsequent newborn is NBD and no license for world-revolves-around-me behavior (although it sounds like the sister has a terminal case of this. yikes).

          You can’t reliably predict when you’ll get pregnant. But if you’ve had a baby, you know what it’s like and have much more prep time and experience for a family event. And IMO, family events are easier b/c every auntie / cousin will help a bit with your children and ESP the new baby (in a way that aleviates the boredom of weddings for non-participants and not in a way that competes with it).

      • Anon

        This! I wouldn’t imagine not traveling to a sibling or close friend wedding with a newborn, assuming of course the baby is healthy. I traveled to three weddings with newborns – two involving plane trips, and one to another country. It’s completely do-able. And I didn’t get any sense that I or our baby stole one bit of the bride and groom’s thunder.

        So I agree with the other commenters that this isn’t really about your sister having a baby. And framing this as a “my sister has so much nerve to have a baby during my wedding summer” brings you down to her level. The real issue is that your sister sounds like a drama queen who tries to steal your thunder, and your mom seems to fall for it and favor her. While I’m sure this is a deeply ingrained dynamic that will be hard to change, one baby step (no pun intended) could be to be really specific in invitations to your mom now. So, rather than waiting for her to take the initiative to help you wedding plan, which sounds like it will only lead to disappointment, perhaps you can schedule specific weekends when the two of you will do wedding things together? I have my fingers crossed that your mom will surprise you with her enthusiasm for you and your wedding once the planning gets underway.

        Good luck, and congrats on your upcoming wedding!

    • Anony

      Ehhh, so I was your sister. I got pregnant the weekend after my sister picked her date. We had been trying for months and it was the last month we were going to try before skipping so we didn’t hit her wedding.

      Well…cycles and timing and math and all that and I ended up due the weekend after her wedding. Ugh. I talked to her about it and we planned. I’d be full on MOH unless anything happened. My other two kids would still be her flower girl and ring bearer. My DH would still be a groomsman. If baby came on wedding day, I’d deliver solo in a local hosptial (wedding in my hometown) and DH and the kids would attend the wedding. I even was prepared to do my toast via Skype (and have a copy to DH to read on my behalf if that didn’t work).

      I planned her shower, which we did when I was 6 months pregnant. Other than “oh! You’re having another baby!” from those I don’t know well, it in no way stole her thunder. I planned and attended her bachelorette, but deferred the serious partying aspect to another bridesmaid who was more than happy to make sure my sister stayed out til 4am and made an @ss of herself once I tapped out at midnight.

      I also did a lot to help out with wedding stuff early on: went dress shopping, did invites with her, etc.

      My mother wasn’t busy planning me a shower (it’s my third! Why does your sister need another baby shower?!) or anything. She was in full on wedding mode.

      This might be family dependent but it sounds like it won’t be that big a deal. Your sister will have a 2 month old and her other kids- sounds like even without the new baby she wouldn’t be full on whooping all night long with two other kids in tow.

      I told my sister if the baby was early (but healthy/not in the NICU), I’d be at the wedding. We even had a mini crib in the car on the way down to the wedding in case the baby came and we ended up bringing a 5 day old to the wedding. I had a cousin lined up to be Primary Baby Watcher in this scenario.

      So….I’d say snap out by realizing this doesn’t have to be a really big deal unless your sister makes it one. And perhaps wait a bit and have a long talk with her about how important it is for her to be there, and find out what you can do to help make it easier.

      (FWIW I ended up going a week past my due date anyway giving birth after they were back from their honeymoon. I was pretty tired at the wedding and VERY pregnant, but I just leaned a bit more on the other bridesmaids and everyone was happy!)

      • ace

        Good on you for rolling with the punches and being there for your sis. I know you didn’t post this for congrats, but still!

    • Anon in NYC

      You’re allowed to feel sad about those things. I didn’t have huge expectations for my wedding and I’m a fairly independent person so I’ve always been the type to just take care of things on my own, but I still expected my mom to be easy and helpful and interested, and she and my dad were getting divorced and she was sad and not interested and about as not-easy as she usually is. None of those things were particularly surprising, but it was still sad for me. And I was mad because I felt like I ask for so little from my parents and they couldn’t just pull it together. Which of course made me feel awful about how selfish I felt. I think the right course of action is to just feel sad and angry and cry about it to your fiance but don’t voice these feelings to your family.

      Just remind yourself that at the end of the day, your family will be really happy for you and your wedding day is likely going to be more fun than you imagined. I think the only thing you should do is tell your mom that you were really looking forward to these visits and try to lock her in to dates as soon as you can. Tell her that you want her to be able to be there for your sister and that you want her to be able to give your sister enough notice to find extra support.

    • Anonymous

      As a fellow future bride, I feel you. You’re entitled to feel the way you do. The whole thing from your sister seems deliberate. The fact that she’s guilting you about your wedding. The fact that she told you she was trying. The fact that she’s planning to dominate your mom’s time even though this is pregnancy #3 – and, btw, super tacky to have a baby shower for a third baby even if said shower wasn’t in direct competition with your sister’s wedding. She sounds like the worst. And your mom is almost as bad for enabling this behavior.

      The first step is to talk to your mom. Explain to her that you were excited to share all of these wedding planning activities with her and you’re worried that now that won’t happen. You understand how important it is for her to also be there for your sister, but you hope she’ll be able to carve out some time for you, too. See what you can do schedule-wise so that your mom can be part of as much as possible.

      Second, accept that your sister is self-centered. She is not going to do all the MOH things that you’d hoped she would. She likely will not attend the wedding, but she won’t tell you that until the last minute. She is going to make this wedding planning process all about her. Do what you can to minimize her opportunities to do so – don’t have a designated dress for her (“But idk what size I’ll beeeeee”), don’t have her plan THE shower/b-party but let her plan some party if you want (“I’m PG so everyone needs to travel to me” and “I can’t drink so I don’t want to go to a bar/club/winery/anything remotely fun”), don’t involve her in any decisions about venue/rentals/flowers/etc., because she will find a way to make it about her.

      Third, appoint a co-MOH to take care of all the stuff your sister isn’t going to do. I wouldn’t remove sister as MOH only because it’s going to cause more drama than it’s worth. Let your friends be here for you.

        • Emmer

          Yeah ordinarily I would say chill out, you can’t always plan on when you’re going to be pregnant, your family can be there for you both, etc. But it actually sounds like your sister is the one who selfishly expected the world to revolve around her when she got pregnant again. Not cool.

      • Bette

        As a sister in a family with similar dynamic, I think your feelings are reasonable and co-sign the advice above.

        One thing – I am guessing this dynamic is not new. If you have raised this issue before and gotten no positive changes feedback from your mom/family, I would just grit your teeth and bear it rather than raise it with people.

        I know when I try to raise my sister’s unreasonable actions (like refusing to visit me EVER because she has kids 8 and 5, despite the fact that she regularly drives through my town to visit other family even further away). The narrative just turns into something where I am a childless mom-hater who is unsympathetic to the very demanding needs of being a mother. I inevitably feel way worse after having raised these issues with my mom than I did before I raised them.

        If this is you, I would just buy yourself a case of champagne and focus on spending time celebrating your special day with people that you love. Minimize their ability to participate and then just plaster on a super cheery, champagne-assisted face when dealing with them

        • 2 Cents

          I think Carolyn Hax says that you can’t control others’ reactions / feelings, but you can control how you’re going to react. I’m sorry your sister is a PITA and you feel your mom isn’t as devoted to you as she is to her. Maybe this is time to decide “ok, not planning on what they’re doing,” and do what you’d like — circle the wagons with your closest girlfriends and have a kicka$$ time doing all the wedding things.

    • CPA Lady

      If I were you, I would take a day or two to cry/freak out/wallow in the irrationality, and then calm down and proceed with the assumption that nothing will change from how you wanted it to be.

      Talk to your mother as though she will be involved in your wedding planning– because she almost certainly will still want to be! Talk to your sister as though she will be at your wedding. You seem to be jumping to a lot of really big really negative conclusions. I get it. I have been known to do that in the past. We all have. But I’ve found that when I try to assume the best, it usually works out.

    • Ex

      Why can’t your Mom still do everything you had planned? Is your sister planning on being on bed rest for 6 months?

      If your Mom is your sister’s full time child care, is it really possible for her to fly multiple times cross country to do wedding planning? If so, and she had said she would do this already, I can’t see why it can’t still happen. Isn’t most wedding planning done many months ahead? Shouldn’t you be spacing these mom visits quite a bit, regardless?

      3rd shower….. Does her mother really need to plan this? Very unusual. Is this complex, in your circles? At this point it should be a luncheon at a casual restaurant with an email sent to close friends only, with the pregnant sister paying for all, and a “no gifts please” on the invite.

      Take a breath…. IT’s going to be fine. Be the bigger person. Let it go.

    • Julia

      These issues go much deeper than either the baby or the wedding. Your sister was angry you planned a wedding during “her baby summer?” Can’t come 8 weeks PP? You feel like she stole your thunder by getting pregnant during “your wedding year.” You are assuming your mother will prioritize everything for your sister over things for you? But you don’t know that, it is the fantasy on your head right now, right? It is time for one of you to grow up. It sounds like it may have to be you. Find the feelings to be happy about the pregnancy. Express them. Then move forward with wedding planning and celebrating like you are all on board with juggling these two happy events, rather than treating one as the spoiler of the other. All your interactions with mom and sister should come from this perspective. Hopefully they will follow. Help them to follow. Use this as a starting point to establish a much better dynamic going forward. Pat self on the back for being the catalyst for the change (but not openly, in front of sister/mom – that would be regressive). Good luck.

      • AG

        I had this reaction at first. But then I really thought about it and I remembered that sibling rivalry is real. The OP can’t help how she genuinely feels. She can, however, control how she reacts to it all.

        • Julia

          I did not mean to minimize the feelings. They are real. But they are leftovers from childhood that survive because everyone is still playing her same role. It sounds like mom and both sisters are participating, and this seems like an opportunity for OP to control how she reacts to it all and model better behavior at a critical time. If the dynamic shifts, the feelings might follow. If instead this continues, there is just going to be continued sadness and strife and loss among all of them. But it does not sound to me like it is not salvageable. I hope it’s not for OP.

        • Anonymama

          I don’t think anything you said contradicts anything Julia said. But there’s a big difference between acknowledging feelings and indulging them, and I think the point is that you can feel jealous and still put that aside and act warm and sisterly and try to set a new dynamic.

    • trish

      Your sister is the one who is self-absorbed and your mom is spoiling her. I’m sorry.

    • banana

      Sorry you’re dealing with this dynamic. Don’t know if it helps but remember that you’re the adult here. You’re an independent adult who is capable of sacrificing some expected attention to others. Your sister is acting childish and demanding to be the center of attention. Ultimately, both kinds of behavior get their just deserts.

    • Aunt Jamesina

      Stop borrowing trouble. Everything will be fine. There’s no thunder to steal, and your sister can surely get away from her home for a few days over the summer for wedding festivities. Sometimes timing isn’t great, but real life doesn’t stop for a wedding. You can only control how you deal with this situation.

    • Dulcinea

      Give yourself some space to “grieve” that you are probably not going to have the experience you envisioned w/r/t your mom and sister focusing on you and your wedding for a little while. That’s a normal thing to want and it sucks that you might not get it. Then, look around you for positive things- people who are excited for you and enthusiastic about helping you plan; the cool dress you found; the amazing food you picked out etc.

      It wasn’t my wedding but my partner and I had what I consider to be a Major Life Event (bought a house) last year and formally moved in together. (for me this was especially big after years of transient living, being broke, moving repeatedly due to a long and frustrating job search). No one in my family made any kind of a fuss about it at all and even people who live relatively close still haven’t bothered to come visit despite my regular invitations. My brother didn’t even ask to see pictures when we saw him just a couple weeks after the purchase. It hurts, especially compared to the huge fuss my partner’s family has made. But I try to focus on things like my awesome garden and how pleased I am with the paint colors we picked. Here’s a hokey saying I read somewhere: “Your mind is a garden, your thoughts are the seeds. And you can grow flowers, or you can grow weeds.” Meaning, be selective about what to focus on, what to invest in cultivating, where to put your energy, etc.

    • thigh teeth

      Wth is a “baby summer”? Her use of that phrase alone is enough to tell you this isn’t a situation you should trouble yourself being upset over. Also, your mother is an enabler of crass tackiness (a third baby shower? You get ONE. No sprinkles, either) and probably not someone you want helping with your wedding.

    • Anonymous

      Wait, why can’t she come to the wedding if she’s due in april? I’m due mid-march and I’m in my friend’s wedding in June. I have every intention of going to the wedding and all the showers/bachelorette in april/may.

    • Statia

      There’s been some wonderful advice already posted about this, and I’m a little late to the party… but…

      I think you should take some time to be mad/sad/jealous about this situation. After you feel some relief, give your mom a call and tell her how you feel and what you want. “Mom, I’ve been feeling so sad about the wedding. I really want you to be a part of it.”

      I think your mom is just totally caught up in the grandma thing going on with your sister. It sounds like otherwise you two are close. She’s not going to abandon you.

      Regarding your sister. I have no idea what a baby summer is, and I have to laugh at someone saying that at 32 it’s their last chance for kids. She sounds like a real piece of work. But she’s also pregnant and I guess she gets a pass for being out of sorts (unless this IS her sort, in which case she doesn’t get a pass and should be dealt with like mom above… ex: “I feel really disappointed that you don’t seem to be into the wedding. I want you to be a part of it.)

      My sister was about 7 weeks PP at my wedding; we specifically chose dress “separates” for the bridal party. That way she could customize the fit a little better on top and bottom, not knowing what her body would be like. Turns out that her fear of wearing a bridesmaid dress was causing a lot of unspoken drama – once we came up with this solution, she was fine.

      She also had the unexpected bonus of a free professional photographer to photograph her family. Pics from our wedding turned into her Christmas card that year. :)

  6. ITDS

    Can you split the difference and focus on ONE pre-wedding trip for your mom to visit you? Just have her come out to look at dresses, or for a menu tasting, or to meet with the florist or cake baker. Whichever is most interesting to her. And do it early so it’s not close to the imminent birth? January perhaps? Surely your sister can go three days (in a 3rd pregnancy) without having your mother around to wait on her hand and foot.

    I would also suggest letting your sister off the hook as your maid of honor. Tell her you love her and don’t want to add stress to her life (and, secretly, yours) so you’ll “make do without her”, and then find another friend if an MOH is really necessary.

    You sound a bit like you were (perhaps unconsciously) looking forward to your wedding as a time when finally everyone had to pay attention to you and make you a priority. You’ll be happier if you can give that up, and enjoy the wedding planning for yourself without the need to be the center of attention.

  7. Anon4This

    I’m in the middle of an infertility diagnosis, and soon treatment. I need to be out of the office for a “doctor’s appointment” 1x/week right now, and will be nearly daily at some point soon. I have always been 100% Team Don’t Give Specifics when it comes to doctor appts/being out of the office for them – it’s personal, it’s none of their business. But the frequency is becoming SO, SO much that I just don’t know what to do. FWIW, I try for early morning/late afternoon and lunch appointments, but the specialists can’t always accommodate that. My absences are raising eyebrows. I am also close with people I work with — high stress job has created strong, positive relationships. So, the “another doctor’s appointment” explanation has some people quite worried about me, irregardless of the fact that I insist I’m fine.

    I have an office manager I trust, and who is an advocate for people at my level, a level I’d liken to a senior associate at a law form (though, not in law). Is it a bad idea to tell her what’s going on just so I know there is someone who will speak up for me in the event my absences gets raised (she’d be in the conversations with the senior people if it did come up; she’s far more than a traditional admin; deals with HR stuff, etc.)?

    This whole process is so freaking isolating. Having to lie day after day at work makes it even worse … not from a guilt standpoint – I still firmly believe it’s none of their business. But, I’m in a highly specialized field where people are constantly poached … and I get it – it appears to be absolutely suspicious. I’m also on the cusp of promotion, and I’m so afraid this is raising eyebrows.

    • Jen

      Can you talk to your manager / team more generally? “I’m going through some medical things right now, so I will be taking time off at approx this interval. Nothing life threatening, but id rather not share details. What should we do to minimize the impact of these absences?”

      It’s matter of fact. You’re making a plan. To me that’d be a clear indicator you aren’t looking to leave. I’d probably guess it was baby related but never ever ask.

      • Jen

        Also, how are you lying? You say you are going to dr’s appts and that’s where you are going.

        If your coworker were getting, idk, weekly colonoscopies, would you really need to hear about it? Or just know “I’ll have a lot of appts coming up, thanks in advance for covering.”

        • Anonymous

          Yeah, this. You are not lying. You’re not telling them the whole truth perhaps, but as Jen pointed out, most people don’t volunteer lots of details about doctor’s appointments.

      • anon a mouse

        This, exactly. Good managers will not ask for specifics. Stay on top of your work. Do not divulge the reason – you don’t know how long these appointments will last. AND, when you are pregnant, you will still have a ton of appointments! Don’t give anyone a reason to mommy-track you before you’re even pregnant.

    • Anonymous

      Do your best to schedule appointments outside of normal office hours. If they have to be in the day, I would tell your office manager that you have a long-term, not-life-threatening medical condition that requires [weekly/daily] doctors appointments for the next ___ months and you would be happy to provide some sort of note from your providers. I suspect if necessary you could get that note from your OBGYN, which would not make it clear it’s infertility-related, since there are lots of health issues OBGYNs treat women for. At least in law, weekly appointments with psychiatrists are pretty common and no one would bat an eyelash about weekly medical appointments. Daily might get a bit more problematic, so it’s probably good to explain and offer up a little bit more details to show them you’re not interviewing elsewhere.
      If you’re in a high-stress job in a demanding industry, I would definitely not tell anyone you’re trying to have a baby. Not to sound cynical, but you don’t want to get mommy-tracked until you’re actually expecting a baby.

    • Never too many shoes...

      Given the circumstances, I would absolutely share it with someone at a senior level who can advocate for you without providing details should your absences be raised as a concern.

      Working while going through this is *so* challenging. I went through several months of cycle monitoring coupled with drugs that made me into a hormonal, hyper-emotional basket case and the daily blood tests left me with track marks on my arms…eventually I told several people and felt a lot better about the whole thing.

      Best of luck to you!

    • ivf mom

      I had so much anxiety about this when I knew I’d be starting IVF. I had a great boss who would definitely notice my absences and I didn’t want her to think I was off interviewing or really sick. I ended up telling her just that, and it was not only not a bad thing, I think it really wound up helping me in the end.

      I didn’t feel anxiety around lying or omitting the whole truth since she knew I had a legit excuse and would be back to the office as soon as I could (and don’t underestimate that if you are the kind of person who will be anxious around every excuse and appointment). I also didn’t realize how positive this would be for me because my boss saw that even with everything she knew I was going through, I was professional and effective in my job. I’m pretty sure that gave me a bank of credibility and good will for when I went out on maternity leave and then came back sleep deprived. FWIW, I had appointments every other day or every day for a few months, was late to work a bunch, and would step out of meetings for phone calls. I also got the highest performance rating possible during IVF/pregnancy/first half year back.

      Best of luck to you! Trust your instincts on this. You know your team and your value to them.

    • 2 Cents

      Can you raise it with your office manager in a more general way? It’s not lying to not disclose every.single.detail. Like “I wanted to let you know that I’m in the middle of dealing with a health issue that requires weekly doctor’s appointments that may soon turn to daily ones. This issue won’t interfere with my work product or my focus, and [if needed] I’m planning to make up the time by coming in early / leaving late / working at home in the evenings.”

    • EB0220

      You should talk directly to HR if you have an HR department. That way you are covered if this becomes an issue.

    • Agent99

      BTDT – I just sent around an FYI-type note to the team I work with to let them know that I would have a series of medical appointments coming up. It worked out fine; nobody asked any follow-up questions or (to my knowledge) raised any eyebrows. Some people may have guessed what’s up, but I don’t really care as long as they don’t ask me any questions about it!

      Also, if you have to go in for regular monitoring, most clinics offer those appointments very early in the morning (I think mine has them as early as 6 AM), so depending on your schedule you may be able to sneak many of your appointments in before work.

  8. Diana Barry

    I like the shirt they are showing under the blazer but I don’t see it anywhere on the s*te. Rrr.

  9. nutella

    Michelle Obama’s speech last night – wow! I was in tears! Also had chills during parts of Cory Booker’s speech. Interested to see what Bill has to say tonight.

    • LilyB

      Agreed! The part of Booker’s speech where he talked about doubling down on our values during hard times gave me all the feels.

    • Midwest Mama

      I was in tears as well. What an eloquent and powerful speech.

      Also, I’m really hoping the rest of the DNC is drama free because I’m starting to get worried that Trump actually has a chance of winning. Up until this point, I trusted the polling that Clinton was far ahead, but not now. Can someone calm my fears that despite the RNC giving Trump a bump in the polls and the DNC scandal (none of which has anything to do with Clinton herself, but apparently that doesn’t matter…), Clinton is still on a path to victory?

      • Anonymous

        Nope. He’d win the election if it were today, per Nate Silver. I’d bet money he will win in November.

        • Emmer

          The 538 “now” forecast means absolutely nothing. The writers themselves acknowledge this. You can in fact bet money that Trump will win in November on sites like PredictIt, but most people aren’t – the prediction markets have Hillary pretty far ahead.

    • Two Cents

      I loved the First Lady’s speech and it was clearly the highlight of the evening. The whole family has brought so much class and grace to the White House.

      I was incredibly disappointed, however, with all of the heckling going on during the other speeches. And I say this as a Bernie supporter. The game’s up, people. Get in line or get out. I found it pretty disappointing and tacky. We can’t point fingers at the GOP when our own convention last night had many moments of chaos/discord.

      I’m concerned Bernie supports will heckle Hillary on Thursday.

      • Bonnie

        Agreed. And I wanted to smack some sense into the Bernie delegates who were interviewed after the speeches. One said that she thought it was disrepespectful for him to speak last. Clueless.

      • Sydney Bristow

        “We can’t point fingers at the GOP when our own convention last night had many moments of chaos/discord.”

        This is exactly what I was thinking. I’m a Bernie supporter too but I wish they hadn’t done that.

    • Little Red

      It was an awesome speech. It was even better when I watched it a second time.

  10. In-House Europe

    I think it is OK to feel disappointed and jealous as long as you also acknowledge that those are unfair/”mean” thoughts – which you are doing. Why don’t you talk to your mom about her visiting you for the wedding – unless your sister is bedbound, she shouldn’t need constant help, and your mom should be able to visit you, e.g. on the weekend (when I assume your brother-in-law or a babysitter would be available?)

  11. Sip and See

    Inspired by a suggestion above. I’m pregnant with my second (due soon!) did not have and do not want a shower. Do not need anything :-)

    I have a ton of friends and family that will want to meet the new nugget. Is a sip-and-see something you plan yourself? What are the general logistics? Is it a casual email invite with a 1-2 hour party with food? More like an open house? Is it typically at the moms home (i.e. Do I have to clean? :-)). More formal with paper invites? Do I state NO GIFTS!! Or is that implied? Small stuff (outfits/books/onesies/food) of course would be fine but I don’t need any traditional baby shower stuff.

    Do I only invite local people? Or like a baby shower do out of town aunts/grandmas get invited too?

    Have never been to one but love the idea. Also….can I call it something else? Not wild on the sip-and-see name.

    • Anonymous

      “Come gawk at the baby and try not to notice anything awry with the hosts or their house and OMG cute baby”

      It is the one time that eating Domino’s pizza from the box and box o’wine in the fridge and BYO napkins would be acceptable.

      I am thinking: e-mail invitations for local friends. It is really like an open house that you don’t clean or prepare much for. You are exhausted. You just had a baby.

      OOT aunts and grandmothers probably ups the preparation ante (I am southern though). You could invite. Or you could tell your mom that Edith wants us to visit Sunday at 3 to see the baby and she will tell them. Outsource!

    • Anonymous

      Must you?

      You plan it, you host it, you organize it. Like any party.

      If you’re really not looking for gifts no need to call if anything beyond party!

    • Anonymous

      Yes you plan it yourself. Casual email or text invite is fine, don’t do paper invites unless you’re expecting gifts. No need to call it anything. “We would love for you all to come meet the new baby if you’re free between [TIMES] on [DATE] at our house. Hope to see you soon!”

      One to two hours seems like a really short time frame. It’s generally 3-4 like an open house.

      Yes, it’s in your home, and yes, you probably should endeavor to clean (or have someone clean) ahead of time, though I’m positive that people will understand and not judge if your house is a disaster.

      I’d provide light snacks, like chips and salsa and maybe a cheese tray. No need to provide alcohol but people often have a couple bottles of wine out. People will probably bring food.

      Local vs. out of town really depends on your relationship with these people. Personally, I would keep the sip and see primarily for friends and whatever local family members want to come, and plan something else for out of town family members. Preferably, I’d make a local family member host the OOT family.

    • Brain Dead Mom

      I called it “[Baby’s Name]’s Coming Out Party” which sounded like I was announcing my 5-month-old’s sexual orientation… LOL

      • Sip and See

        I like this combined with the BBQ idea below.

        Generally how old are the babies at these things? 4-6 weeks? Smaller?

        • Anonymous

          I think it’s generally around 3-4 months. My impression is it’s when the baby is no longer too small to be subjected to germs but small enough that mom is still at home and going stir crazy.

        • Blonde Lawyer

          I don’t know how old the baby was for sure but she was still so tiny she was scary to hold. I’m guessing she was 3 or 4 weeks. This wasn’t an invite the world party. It was 3 or 4 close girlfriends and spouses.

        • ace

          I went to one where baby was about a week old — it was #3 and at a neighbor’s house, though.

    • Shopaholic

      My friends are planning a BBQ at the end of the summer to meet their second baby (baby hasn’t come yet so not sure if this will actually happen). It will mostly be outside, probably just close friends and family and her friends (i.e. us) are planning on helping as much as possible.

      It will be low key but it also seems easier to just do it all at once than have all their friends and family plan separate trips to come meet baby 2.

      • Anonymous

        I’ve found that the co-ed nature of the sip and see / baby gawk has one vibe (pizza and beer) and the older relatives (esp. if only female ones go) has more of a nice parlor tea vibe. Not that they can’t co-exist, but my great aunt’s would be all about baby’s silver pattern (Francis I, of course), my pregnant GFs would be all “omg did you do #2 when you were pushing,” my had-a-baby GFs would be “how many times did you have #2 when you were pushing,” and the men would be laughing that baby’s #2 has a velocity and taking bets on today’s texture / color.

        Surreal.

        • Anonymous

          And the single / fabulous GFs would be all pie-eyed about all of this and refilling their glass of warm chardonnay.

          Someone always brings dark beer b/c they’ve heard it’s good for milk production (or was for them).

    • Ru

      You know, I didn’t realize that this wasn’t A Thing in American/European culture. In Muslim culture, we have the aqeeqah, which is the baby’s formal introduction to society. Parents serve an entire goat/cow/sheep etc, which isn’t really necessary but part of the tradition. Feed people, show off the new baby, see all the friends. We don’t do baby showers.

  12. Anonypotamous

    NAS Items (I know it’s late, don’t know if anyone is still shopping). I am 5’3″, size 8, apple.

    Taylor Graphic Print Scuba – fits well, I got the navy print, which is very groooovy, but I’m not totally sure about scuba fabric honestly. I bought another scuba dress earlier this year and still haven’t worn it. I ordered another dress from NAS that hasn’t arrived yet, so I’m holding on until I see if I love/hate the other one. UNDECIDED.

    Steve Madden Claara Block Heel – I was all set to return this but I LOVE these shoes. Really high heels (but at least they’re block) so FML, but so cute and comfortable-ish (except, you know, for the ridiculously high heels) and I like having something that is slightly edgy/boho in my closet. KEEP.

    Nike Tech Fleece Hoodie – Runs large. And NOT fleece (WTF, Nike?) Would be cute if it weren’t so large on me, but I am really looking for a fleece. RETURN.

    Vince Camuto Sonnet Stripe Crewneck – basic knit. Good price. The hand is a little off to me. But I need a few 3/4 sleeves in my rotation. KEEP.

    Thanks to SA for the heads up about returning to Rack. Totally makes the whole returning process less daunting.

    • Cat

      I’ll join with some reviews-

      Eliza J Scuba Shift Dress (5155452) — fabric is SO SO cheap, felt flammable, seams are lumpy, neckline is uneven. Returning, clearly.

      Vince Camuto Sleeveless Shirred Mock Neck Blouse (5152585) — ordered in ivory hoping that the two-layer construction would mean it wouldn’t be too sheer. Alas, it was. Returning.

      Zella items — traditional leggings, knee-length leggings, sweatshirt — all solidly constructed and comfy. Keeping.

      Tom’s shoes — my first time trying them. Would have kept, but I couldn’t tell from my computer monitor that it wasn’t just light gray linen fabric, but instead peppered with GLITTER. No. It was shedding on my floor even from trying them on. Returning.

      Ugg Carilyn Lace-Up Flat (5130819) — better looking in person and SUPER comfy. Ordered in the hopes of finding a cushy commuting shoe and succeeded.

    • Veronica Mars

      Got my Lush crossover blouse–this runs HUGE. Definitely returning. It also dipped too low in the front for my liking. The fabric also felt cheap. Still waiting on everything else to arrive.

  13. Chicago visit

    Visiting Chicago for the first time this weekend and next week. Recs re what to wear, see, do? Heat wave? A/C blasting inside? Open toe sandals ok or are sidewalks dirty?
    We’ll be taking the subway everywhere. Thank you!

    • LilyB

      Chicago is cleaner than most large cities but your feet are going to get dirty in sandals no matter where you are. Chicagoans and Midwesterners generally tend to dress way more casually than East Coasters, so shorts, sandals, maxi dresses, etc. are all fine.

      Check out Millennium Park (especially if you have kids), Wrigley Field (if you like sports- maybe try to catch a game if they’re at home), Lincoln Park if you want to walk around a pretty neighborhood, Bucktown/Wicker Park for trendy restaurants. For the best view, Sears (Willis) Tower or Hancock Tower– definitely worth doing if it’s a clear day. As far as museums, the Field Museum and Art Institute are both great. The aquarium and planetarium are also decent. Check out one of the beaches if you have time. If you have a lot of time and have a car, drive down to Hyde Park to check out University of Chicago and the Museum of Science and Industry, or drive north and see Northwestern’s campus, which is right on the lake and gorgeous (and you can drive through the north side neighborhoods on your way).

    • Ex

      Chicago is hot and humid, but very clean. Amazingly clean. Sandals are typical. Make sure they are comfortable, and walk a lot. Summer dresses/shorts/ankle pants. A/C is indoors everywhere.

      Take a river tour done by the architectural association of Chicago. There are many others, but that is the best one.

      Walk through downtown, and visit Millineum Park, then on to the Art Institute of Chicago for a cool break.

      Pick up a picnic dinner and a bottle of rose and see one of the free outdoor concerts at the Pritizker Pavilion at Millineium Park.

      Go to the beach one day, or rent bikes and ride along the lake. Take a boat on to the lake one night to see the city lights at night, with a drink in hand. Love cities at night.

      Listen to jazz one night at the Green Mill or blues at Buddy Guys.

      See a play at Steppenwolf, and eat dinner in that area. Look for half price tickets at goldstar.com.

      See a comedy show at Second city, and eat dinner in that area.

      Many good restaurants. Many good museums. Many neighborhoods. What do you like?

      • Sydney Bristow

        Architectural boat tour is awesome. I took it during Auguest a few years ago and it was nice to be on the water. The guides are incredibly knowledgeable.

        • Ms B

          Cosign. Been three times and gladly would go again, especially because there is a full bar onboard. Book ahead though — it fills up in the summer.

    • Sharon

      Welcome to Chicago! I find the view of the city from the south is even better than the view from the north – so I recommend visiting the Aquarium/Planetarium/Field Museum (there’s a CTA bus that goes to the Museum Campus) just for the view, even if you don’t like the ocean/astronomy/history. If you like comedy, Second City on the north side is always great.

      Food!! Try to get reservations at ‘Girl & The Goat’, any of the Boka group’s restaurants actually, or ‘Siena Tavern’ – all awesome. Yelp is also great in Chicago – can’t go wrong! There is a Giordano’s Pizza near Millennium Park, so I recommend grabbing a slice and heading to picnic in the park if you can!

      It’s a fantastic city. Enjoy! :)

    • Anonymous

      Can someone explain the whole alderman thing? It seems wildly out of the past, like from the Al Capone era. Is there any sort of Seedy Underbelly tour that we could do in addition to the architecture boat tour?

    • LawDawg

      When planning where to go and what to do, don’t forget to account for Lollapalooza (unless that’s why you are coming). Near Grant Park and throughout downtown there will be lots of concertgoers.

  14. Anon

    Does anyone here have a recommendation for a cobbler in DC? Looking for someone that I can trust to fix the sole on my Aquatalia boots.

    • Anonymous

      the cobbler at the imperial valet dry cleaner on connecticut ave up by dupont circle. fixed the busted heels of a pair of cole haans for a pretty reasonable price. also wasn’t shy to let me know that another pair of shoes did not need a new sole quite when I asked

      I do NOT recommend the tailor/dry cleaning portion of that place though, just the cobbler who has his own station inside the shop.

    • Bonnie

      Phillip’s shoe repair in Petworth. Older Italian guy who used to make shoes. He and his adorable wife have run the shop for decades.

    • Baconpancakes

      Side note: if anyone in DC needs minor alterations, the tailor at Georgetown Valet at 13th and L did amazing, invisible work on my skirts.

  15. Shopping help - hair dryer and clothes iron

    Posted yesterday but maybe too late: What’s your favorite hair dryer? Clothes iron vs. steamer? I’m in the market for both and frustrated by the 7-month-old dryer that failed.

    • anon

      I have a BaByliss Pro that’s still going strong after 18 months and works well on my straight, fine (but lots of it) hair. It’s handled daily use and a few plunges to the floor just fine.

      • X

        My BaByliss Pro is going strong after 6 years! And I know this because the blowdryer at my parents’ house died this weekend so I got on Amazon and ordered another BaByliss and Amazon popped up a message saying “You ordered this product in June of 2010.”

      • ace

        Another vote for this one. I bought it on the Hive’s recommendation 2 years ago and it is as strong now as it was when I first opened it.

    • Care

      I use the Harry Josh Pro and I love it. I’ve only had it since Christmas, but it’s amazing how fast it dries my hair!

    • GirlFriday

      All my GFs swear by BaByliss, but (for half price) I really like my Conair YellowBird. I’ve had it for seven years now and it’s still going strong. I like the multiple settings, but I did have a hard time finding a diffuser for it, if you need that.

  16. Ugh Family

    I have been feeling bummed about my extended family and our (lack of) relationships. This is on the heels of a visit to my home state, where I got some good time with my immediate family (parents and sib), and then visited with aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. Just the feeling that no one really knows each other that well or cares to get to know each other beyond a superficial level. Anyone know what I mean? Like I am always asked about the same two things, and then no attempts to make other conversation. One relative always has drama about the same issue. One cousin is always a brat about the same things. One couple is always going to be super over the top and put others on the spot with “icebreaker” style games, and be clueless to the fact that everyone hates it.

    It’s hard to explain, but just really put me in a funk about family and the expectations vs. reality.

    • First Year Anon

      I have the same experience, you are not alone. It always sounds like the rest of the world has tight relationships with their families, but that is because most people don’t post about these things on social media unless it’s good news.

      • Ugh Family

        Thanks. I feel like all these people hang out, go on family vacations, etc. I wish we were closer and do try, but no one else seems to and after a couple of hours, I’m done. I feel like a jerk admitting it, but that’s just how it is.

        • First Year Anon

          And somehow I end up feeling guilty for not having a tight relationship with them even though I’ve tried and I can’t make people do things they don’t want to do! My bf’s family is pretty tight and I really like that about him but sometimes it makes me feel bad (he knows this and feels bad it makes me feel bad, but still…).

    • nutella

      that stinks. sorry. Maybe give the couple the benefit of the doubt that they are trying to initiate new conversation to get to know the family? I mean, what other solutions is anyone else offering?

      • Ugh Family

        I get where they are coming from, but it’s so forced – that’s why I called it an icebreaker. A couple people clearly didn’t want to be put on the spot and were uncomfortable. They also cut people off if they take too long on their “turn”. They had asked everyone to share a favorite story or trait about a birthday person, and one elderly relative started just generally reminiscing. It was really nice, I thought, but then they hustled her along.

        … and because we are Midwest Polite, no one calls anyone out on any of this. (Giant eyeroll.)

        • Anon

          I am not Midwestern so I don’t understand Midwestern polite, but honestly the next time it happens that an older relative is reminiscing and you want to hear it — can’t you say — actual I’d like to hear about Great Aunt Rose’s life being the only woman in her workplace in 1940 while raising 2 boys? Or if they cut you off to get back to their game, go sit next to the relative then or later and say — you know I’d love to hear that story.

          I think that stuff is more important than any ice breaker game — it’s how history — family history and general history — is passed down through the generations via shared stories; it is not passed down by screaming out your top 3 items that you’d need on an desert island.

          • nutella

            Yeah, I agree. They don’t seem to have tact, but you are bemoaning that no one knows each other and some people ask the same two questions, and they decided to change it. Sounds like it was successful initially because it got your grandma talking. After all, the only way to get to know people is by asking them questions and having a talk. Next time, why not ask Grandma to tell you more. Or ask deeper questions of others or give more detail about yourself if you don’t like the two questions you are getting. And if the couple cuts someone off, take the lead!

    • GirlFriday

      That stinks. And it’s ok to pout about it (a little). Also, LOL @ midwest polite. My in-laws and extended family all kinda suck. As in, they are not doing well in life at all, and they resent us for the fact that we went to college, moved out of our hometown and aren’t impoverished. So I get it. This is probably the wrong tactic, but I’ve kind of just given up on trying to build relationships with them. I’m fine with my choices and if they’re going to judge me for being (what I consider) normal, then we really have no common ground.
      One suggestion: Could you get in touch with your elderly family member who was starting to reminisce? I’m sure s/he would love to continue that conversation via email or paper post if possible.

    • Aunt Jamesina

      I think that’s the reality for many families nowadays, since extended families tend to be scattered all over the country (or globe). You only ever see close families shown online and in the media because there’s not much to show for families who awkwardly bumble through small talk once a year!

      You can’t fake closeness, you just work to get the most out of your time together as possible. Growing up, I remember feeling a bit outside of things around my cousins (whom I saw probably twice a year), since most of them grew up in the same town together and I grew up four hours away. I think the best you can do is to be choosy and careful in cultivating close relationships with your immediate family and those friends and family who live close to you. I’d encourage the reminiscing from the older generation, since that can be a bonding experience. My extended family interviewed my grandmother and her sisters for a family movie of memories, and it was such a neat bonding experience since our ancestry is the one thing we share.

  17. purplesneakers

    … so your interviewer asking when you can start at Dream Job is a good sign, right?

    (Now I just have to negotiate salary. Sandberg and Frankel help me.)

    • Anon

      Yes but don’t get your hopes up. I’ve had that happen and thought — why else would they ask unless they wanted me — only to later find it’s just a logistic question that they’re asking all candidates. Fingers crossed that’s NOT the case and you get a quick offer.

    • Anonymous

      It’s a pretty standard question to ask all final round candidates because they don’t want to extend an offer and discover that person was hoping to start in December. Nice, but by no means an indication you’re getting an offer.

  18. Hosting tips?

    I am hosting a close friend and her fiance for a couple days later this week. I live in a studio (~500 square feet, so not absolutely tiny.) Any tips/tricks? I had the place cleaned over the weekend but I would like to make things go as smoothly as possible! What makes you feel welcome when you’re in somebody else’s home?

    • Meara

      Communicate your plans around wake up/bedtime/showers, if it’s a studio and there’s three of you. Be clear if a light or noise would bother you, or if they’re going to be exhausted and crashing out early, etc. if they’re going off on their own, keys. Wifi password.

    • Anonymous

      They know it’s a studio, no?

      Also, talk to them: hours they keep, etc. And broadcast: I get up at 7 and take a shower. If you want me to wake you up then (or not), let me know.

      I hosted people once who were so sweet and didn’t want to flush overnight (I am a totally heavy sleeper). It really, really would have been OK. :)

    • GirlFriday

      Little things: bottled water available (and aspirin after a big night out), a little privacy if possible, asking your guests if they’re sensitive to light/noise, or just warning them (hey there’s a train two blocks away, the ambulance always wails his siren at 4AM, etc.) Just make them feel like they’re welcome and you want to make them comfy, and give them space when they need it. Have fun!

    • Baconpancakes

      If they’ll be using public transit while they’re there, and they’re not familiar with it, have a metro card (or whatever your city uses) loaded with a few dollars, a map, and clearly written out directions to the places they’re likely to go without you. If they’re staying more than a night, having a spot designated for them to stash their stuff, like a chair + drawer + tabletop, can make it much less stressful.

  19. Anon

    I have to say that I am getting tired of going to the 500 person Indian weddings (I am Indian) where the event is SO big that the bride and groom don’t know if you’re there and even if they do, they do not care. I only go to the extended family ones as I feel like I should (we only have so much family in the US) and if I don’t, people will guilt trip. So then I spend my vacation time and money to get to places like Tulsa or Little Rock or wherever – to not even be acknowledged. This isn’t just me — other relatives are saying the same thing about the generation that’s getting married now — that it isn’t about making the guests feel welcome but only about t the “bride’s day.” They are inviting everyone bc they want a HUGE show and bc their parents force them to (since their parents typically pay for all/most of it), but they could care less if you’re coming or not. The latest one that I went to in Oklahoma was a cousin’s wedding — we’re not super tight but see each other once every 2-3 yrs/are somewhat connected on social media; so we know each other enough that 3 min of conversation over a 3 day weekend wouldn’t be too much to ask. I will say the bride’s sisters and mom did make an effort to speak to everyone but it almost felt like they HAD TO bc they knew their sister didn’t care.

    And it’s not even about — the bride and groom are busy, they don’t have time. It’s not like I’m looking for a 30 min conversation at the reception. I’m looking for 2 min at a breakfast one morning. And they DO have that kind of time — bc they spend it with their college friends/bridesmaids; taking 1000 pictures etc. I get it — there are levels of guests and some are obligatory — but straight up rudeness to family makes me want to say — sorry I’m not attending any of these again.

    I was annoyed by this whole wedding and then went to a 60 person wedding thrown by a (not Indian) colleague and wow — what a difference. ALL of the guests felt SO welcome and SO wanted in their day and you pretty much felt like you hung out with the bride and groom all evening.

    So is this all Indian weddings? Or is my family being rude?

    • Anonymous

      I had to miss the one Indian wedding I’ve been invited to b/c I had had a baby the week before and it wasn’t local. I had been to the couple’s non-Indian wedding and was really looking forward to the reboot. They had given me all of The Rules (gold, more gold; if the invitation says 7, you will probably go then but you will be the only one there).

      Could I volunteer to run a Designated Hitter-type service to send someone (i.e., me) in your place to your next Indian wedding?

      • Idea

        That would be hilarious. “Hi, I’m Jane, here for Priya. She sends her regards… and this gift. But don’t worry, I’ll have fun and dance Bollywood-style… COUSIN, right?!”

        This should be a service for many events. Including networking events.

    • Anonymous

      I, too, tend to like small, intimate weddings better than large affairs (even objectively “fancy” ones with high-end food and an open bar), but I think it’s a matter of personal preference and there’s nothing wrong with large weddings. “Feeling like you hung out with the bride and groom all evening” is rare and IMO totally unreasonable for you to expect as a guest, unless the wedding has, like, 25 people. The bride and groom have lots of other people to greet and photos to take, and they need to eat and dance a little bit somewhere in there, and I really don’t think you can fault them for only speaking to you briefly. It is their day, not yours, and although it is rude for a host or hostess to totally ignore a guest, you can’t expect to spend the entire evening with them. My best friend is Indian and although her wedding was not 500 people, it was big by US standards (350+ people). She and her husband took the time to go to every table and greet everyone and I know she spent a lot of time talking to extended family she doesn’t know that well. It felt a lot more personal to me than many large non-Indian weddings I’ve gone to, so I’m not sure it’s an Indian thing. But I don’t have a ton of experience with Indian weddings.

      • Anon2

        OP doesn’t seem to be saying that she EXPECTS them to hang out all night. She even said that she KNOWS they’re busy. I think the takeaway is — I know you’re busy, but I spent time and money to be here so how about 90 seconds of talk at one of the thousand wedding events but not the actual wedding? I don’t think it’s asking too much. The hanging out all evening example just shows the contrast between 60 and 500 guests.

        • Anon at 12:33

          Well, she said about the 60 person wedding: “ALL of the guests felt SO welcome and SO wanted in their day and you pretty much felt like you hung out with the bride and groom all evening.” My point was just that I’ve been to plenty of 250+ person weddings where I felt extremely wanted and welcome, and I didn’t agree with what I perceived as her implication that hanging out with the bride and groom all evening is important to feeling welcomed. I totally agree that the bride and groom should make time for a few minutes of small talk w/everyone! Although I try to presume good intentions and assume that couples who neglect to talk to me didn’t do it out of a desire to slight me, but simply got caught up in the moment (or were distracted by family friends their parents wanted them to talk to) and didn’t realize anyone was feeling unwelcome. (We were the first of our friends to get married and had no idea that going around to each table was A Thing and my husband and each kind of greeted our more distant friends and family separately, so I’m sure some of his extended family members thought I was the rudest. I would do it differently if I could do it over again, but I can’t. You live, you learn.)

    • Don't Go

      Just don’t go. I don’t go to weddings anymore unless I am in them. And sometimes I say no when asked to be in them. I’m just tired of spending my life on this earth doing stuff I don’t want to do. But, side note, there’s no need to be condescending about Tulsa or Little Rock. If you don’t want to visit those places, don’t visit. But the weddings you’re complaining about would have been just as annoying if they had been in NYC or San Fransisco, and you wouldn’t have had time to do cool city stuff there either, because wedding.

      • anonymous

        This, x1000. I’m a firm believer in pretty much always doing whatever I want since people are going to have opinions and be upset anyway. It turns out that since people know what to expect from me, they don’t even attempt to guilt trip anymore. Another happy side effect is that it filtered out a lot of demanding and unpleasant drama queens in my life and has left me with a circle of friends with whom I’m close and would actually love to travel cross country for.

      • Anon2

        OP here — I actually really like Tulsa. Should have said — it’s not about whether it’s Tulsa or San Fran, but those places are harder and more expensive to get to from the east coast than say New Hampshire or North Carolina.

        • Don't Go

          That’s completely fair– thanks for the clarification. You’re right that it’s harder to get there, few direct flights, etc. I like Tulsa too!

    • AKB

      I’m Indian and had a ~350 person wedding. We went around to each table to say hello, and I tried to connect with all of the guests. I think it went pretty well. It was all about friends and family. But I didn’t pressure ANYONE who said they could not attend either. If they sent their regrets, I respected their decision. Weddings, particularly large ones, are not for everybody.

      Regarding the “Rules” for Indian weddings, it is not one size fits all. We definitely started all of the events on time, so things ran smoothly. I have been to weddings where things ran 1-2 hours late, and it was super annoying, so we didn’t do that.

    • GCA

      Not all Indian weddings. I’ve been to 3 – one in Kolkata, two South Indian ones in Singapore. All the couples took some time and effort to talk to all the guests. At least one was a multi-day affair – you can find time to talk to the guests at *some* point over the course of three days. I think the same rule applies here as with any other wedding that you feel more obligated than excited about – send regrets and a cash gift, beg off and cite timing and distance.
      If you HAVE to go, at least you have family you know and the food is delicious?

    • Alanna of Trebond

      I had an Indian wedding and we only had 200 people and everyone told me it was the BEST wedding because everyone felt so welcome. But my husband is not-Indian, so that is how we could keep it “small.”

      Just had to brag.

    • E

      Not Indian, and have only been to one Indian wedding (where I was one of those college friends ;-)), but chiming in to say, just quit going. When I was in my 20’s I spent hundreds of dollars I barely had going to out-of-town weddings, and lately I just feel like, you know what, it’s too much to ask. If your wedding isn’t local, I’m not going. I don’t have just endless piles of money, and I’m not spending what I have to go to a party.

      To be clear — though I’m not married and don’t ever plan to get married, I do actually generally really enjoy weddings. But the amount of money people spend on them and expect their guests to spend on them is completely ridiculous in my opinion.

  20. SOS - Cancel Nordstrom order from Canada

    Hi, just placed an order and had instant regret. I’m in Toronto. How do I cancel? I can’t seem to find anything online. TIA

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