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Updated: Sep 22, 2020 140 Comments · by

Coffee Break: Cylinder Adjustable Sconces

The Personal Shopper (TPS)

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I knew I was ready for sconces when my bedside table was so overloaded with books, magazines, and other stuff that my lamp suddenly seemed like it was taking up too much room. We got a pair of Rejuvenation sconces and never looked back. The downside is that they are expensive — we paid upwards of $700 for two sconces (even without any wiring; we just got plug-in versions!), but it was an anniversary splurge. (There must have been a sale on; we got these.)

So, color me excited that the above sconce is a collaboration between West Elm and Rejuvenation, which means it's far, far, far more affordable — and perfect if you've got a tiny table or desk that suddenly feels overloaded right now.

The arms are adjustable and rotate from side to side; the shades pivot, and the cord is wrapped in cloth. They even include white LED lights (although you may want to look into fancier lights like these!). The sconce comes in both black and white.

The sconce is even on sale right now — for a limited time you can buy one for $159.20, or two for $318.40. (Actually, most of West Elm is on sale 20% off — I'm also eyeing this pretty faceted mirror. Drat, the gorgeous weighted blanket I want is not part of the sale — sad trombone.)

Sales of note for 9.30.24

Sales of note for 9.30.24

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Comments

  1. pugsnbourbon

    By now you’ve probably heard about the allegations of forced hysterectomies at ICE detention centers (if you haven’t, get ready to get angry: https://www.npr.org/2020/09/16/913398383/whistleblower-alleges-medical-neglect-questionable-hysterectomies-of-ice-detaine)

    A GoFundMe has been set up on behalf of the main whistleblower, Dawn Wooten. It’s surpassed its goal, but I imagine she’ll continue to need personal security and legal representation for longer than anticipated: https://www.gofundme.com/f/protect-whistleblower-dawn-wooten

    • Anon

      I do want to see sources for the claim (since it’s so exceptional), but if it’s true, which I suspect it is, it’s absolutely abhorrent, a gross violation of human rights, and a perfect example of the abuses that occur at the intersection of immigration status, race, and female sex. I’ll be following to look for the results of the investigation.

      • pugsnbourbon

        It fits right in with the United States’ long and recent history of compulsory sterilization.

        • Anonymous

          IDK re long (since it doesn’t seem likely to predate anesthesia) and IDK re recent.

          What we do have it seems is a recent history of rogue OB/GYNs at colleges (MSU, etc.) grossly abusing their patients, many of which were children.

          But women can get hysterectomies for many valid medical reasons and that is different than compulsory sterilization. I know many women with severe fibroids and the treatment option if a D&C doesn’t work is a hysterectomy. Many younger women chose to get their tubes tied for family planning, which is not the same as a hysterectomy, which is often performed for medical reasons unrelated to family planning.

          I hesitate to believe that this snippet in the news is the whole entire truth. The terms were confused in the NPR report that I heard and I suspect that many of the people have language barriers. I am willing to wait for what really happened and then set my outrage meter accordingly — this was so garbled that I hesitate to jump the gun on the actual facts.

          • anonshmanon

            What we also have is real, forced sterilization of 7500 women up until 1974, for which the state of NC paid reparations in 2012, and further money was appropriated in 2013.
            https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eugenics_Board_of_North_Carolina

            What we also have is rogue judges, who offered a mother shorter jail time if she would let herself be sterilized. He was reprimanded, but the fact that he thought it would be an ok thing to offer means that there is something wrong with his understanding of basic human rights, despite his J. D.
            https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/morning-mix/wp/2017/11/21/tenn-judge-reprimanded-for-offering-reduced-jail-time-in-exchange-for-sterilization/

          • pugsnbourbon

            I mean, in Indiana alone there was a compulsory sterilization law on the books from 1907 to 1974. Thousands of Native American women were forcibly sterilized in the 1960s and 70s. Up to 1,400 women were sterilized in CA prisons between 1997 and 2010. (sources linked in this article: https://www.thecut.com./article/ices-forced-sterilizations-are-nothing-new-in-america.html)
            In 2017 a judge in Tennessee was sued for offering sentence reductions to inmates who sought sterilization. In 2018 a judge in Oklahoma did the same thing. That’s what I meant by both long and recent.

          • anon

            33 states and Puerto Rico had compulsory sterilization programs beginning in 1897, all informed by the eugenics movement. The U.S. Supreme Court upheld the legality of these programs (8-1) in Buck v. Bell in 1927. Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. famously wrote, “Three generations of imbeciles are enough” in the majority opinion for the case. That case has never been overturned, though a 1942 Supreme Court decision, Skinner v. Oklahoma undermined its holding enough that the state compulsory sterilization laws began to be repealed. In total, between 65,000 and 70,000 American women were forcibly sterilized under these laws. The last forced sterilization under these laws occurred in 1981 in Oregon.

            That doesn’t even get into coerced sterilizations by public institutions, welfare programs, doctors, and hospitals.

          • Anon

            I don’t know what to believe about this particular story. But I believe that many doctors characterize hysterectomies as harmless and inconsequential, or have tried to insist they are necessary, in cases when they are really not. I also believe women about “surprise” hysterectomies performed when unconscious for another procedure. There’s been a steady stream of news coverage on this for years now. And language barriers are sometimes seen as opportunities by doctors who have opinions about whether a given woman should be having children (or more children) or not. So this story doesn’t seem outlandish to me. I’ve had my own doctors act as though a hysterectomy would be NBD if I’m not planning to have children, which is a really ignorant outlook on women’s health in general, and worse given the details of my own medical history.

          • Anonymous

            I think it is maybe a 20th century thing only? I can’t imagine these being easily do-able before anesthesia, pain meds, and antibiotics. Before then, women died in childbirth often enough to leave orphans, so maybe not getting to all of the female problems and options we have today. And IIRC, a lot of the fundamental rights jurisprudence was 1970s ish, so maybe a window in our history, but not a founding ideal. I can remember when Clinton-era welfare reform was attacked b/c women didn’t get more $ for more kids as an infringement on the right to bear children / procreative privacy and think that those cases failed. So definitely established law by the mid-90s (so not in the last 25 years, possibly longer) that this was not OK.

          • Anonymous

            My understanding is that if you have a hysterectomy, you should really need it and less invasive options should be ruled out (cancer, fibroids, etc.). I believe that that stuff helps support the bladder, and you could have incontinence issues otherwise (but that may be outweighed by other medical concerns).

            I could see poor translation re medical things and consequences. I’m an English speaker and find explanations rushed and assuming lots of background knowledge. This may be a population with not much background knowledge and a language barrier.

          • waitingtobeoutraged

            I agree with Anonymous @ 2:40pm. I think we should not rush into judgement and outrage without knowing the full facts. Listening to the news segment on NPR and reading the NPR article, it appears the main allegation by the whistleblower is about negligent practices regarding COVID 19 testing, how employees are allowed to work even when tested positive for COVID and so forth. She did not say or at least it is not clear from any of the articles that she had first hand knowledge that unnecessary hysterectomies are being done.
            Just from a practical point of view, tubal ligation is quicker, easier and cheaper way for sterilization than doing hysterectomies. You cannot accuse a gynecologist of doing ‘too many’ hysterectomies. Because that is the biggest category of surgery done by gynecologists who are not practicing obstetrics. It is like saying an ophthalmologist does ‘too many” cataract surgeries – that is THE surgery done by all ophthalmologists. We know nothing about how many hysterectomies we are talking about, over what period of time, the personnel involved – nothing. Even in ‘normal’ practices, surgeons do many cases on the same operating day. That is being efficient because you do not operate every day of the week.

        • Anon

          This isn’t meant to be snippy, but do you have links or resources? I’m just not familiar with this and I’m interested.

          • pugsnbourbon

            I posted with a link but it’s in mod. Searching for “state eugenics board” is a good place to start.

          • Anonymous

            The whole planned parenthood movement was founded by some pretty big eugenics proponents. It is a troubling past and a very mixed message. The ends of the spectrum on this make me uneasy.

            The story I think didn’t get to the actual facts and I am waiting on what the investigation reveals. It is good that they are investigating this.

      • Anon

        Is it so exceptional? These are definitely not the only hysterectomies being performed without informed consent in the US.

        • Anon

          It’s not exceptional as in rare, but exceptional as in a very serious claim. While I wouldn’t have trouble believing it based on what we know about the United States and how it treats women, I do want to see evidence and the results of the investigation.

          • Anon

            From Dahlia Lithwick at Slate: “The complaint does not directly quote women who experienced a hysterectomy but relies on the testimony of a detained woman who said she had spoken to many women who had had hysterectomies and that many of those women seemed confused about the procedure.”

    • Anonyz

      As someone denied an ablation and bisalp multiple times because doctors insisted I’d “change my mind” and suddenly become desperate for babies, I am so very over other people deciding when and how women can use or not use our own wombs.

  2. Anon for this

    I think I know the answer to this question, but a colleague left my organization and was hired as a fairly senior member at a smaller company. He sent me a job opening they have– but it’s for at least 2 levels above what I’m doing now, and I only have about 3 years experience in this area, and the listing is asking for 10. Should I send him my resume and apply? I know he’d recommend me, but applying for something way senior to what I’m doing now is nerve wracking!

    • Anon

      Why don’t you ask him first if the difference in your experience and their posting would be a problem.

    • BB

      Absolutely apply! I assume he knows you only have 3 years but think you could do the job. This is one of those ways that women count themselves out ALL the time. I think I remember reading a study that said if a posting has 10 requirements, women will only apply if they hit 9-10, but men will apply if they hit 3-5. Then guess what happens when the applicant pool is 80% men?

    • Anon

      Apply! Your colleague wouldn’t have sent it to you otherwise. Particularly at smaller companies, the number of year of experience on a job description are a guidepost, not set in stone.

  3. Anon

    Shoot, those look great, but they won’t be shipped until December. If anybody has other recommendations for corded sconces or a corded pendant light, I’m all ears.

    • Anon

      I’ve seen a few similar ones out there. If you browse Shades of Light and do a reverse image search, you’ll find all their stuff cheaper at stores like Wayfair and Lowe’s. Amazon also has similar scones – check their Rivet brand.

  4. Bonnie Kate

    The short version: Any favorite 0% credit cards? If I carry a balance on it for a few months and then pay it off, does it hurt my credit score? DH and I both have 800+ credit scores, have had credit cards for many years but we never carry a balance so I don’t know what carrying a balance would do to it.

    The long version: We’re building a house and the out-of-pocket initial downpayment costs are really starting to add up. The way our construction loan works is that we have to pay for the 50% downpayment and upon installation the bank will pay back the 50% downpayment and pay off the rest of amount. So to order flooring, we have to pay for 50% down (bank will not do this in a draw), and then when the flooring is completed the bank will pay 100%. We have a good amount of liquidity, but it’s getting tight and I’m not sure we’ll have enough to float all the downpayments and costs that we have to pay out of pocket initially. So today my thought is to try and get a 0% credit card. Balance will be paid off in a few months as soon as all the work is done and we get reimbursed by the construction loan.

    This isn’t the way all house building works – we probably could have looped a bunch of these costs into our builder’s package and then he would have had the responsibility to pay the downpayments. But both DH and I manage construction projects (albeit very different ones) and wanted to be very hands on – perhaps too hands on – and did it this way. You live you learn.

    • Anon

      It won’t hurt anything. Occasions like this are why you take pains to maintain that 800+ credit score. You’ll easily qualify for the 0% card, use it, pay it off during the introductory period and get on with life. Your score might dip a tad in the interim, but not enough to matter. Just google 0% credit cards and apply for the one whose terms work best for your situation (ie – what’s more important, high credit limit, long 0% period, balance transfer or some combo of these?)
      Source: Did this exact thing when things got tight, but only temporarily so, a couple years ago.

    • anon a mouse

      I’ve done this a few times when I wanted to spread a large expense over several months. Go to nerdwallet and look at their roundup of best zero-interest offers. Of course you know this if you have a high score, but pay super close attention to the end of the zero-interest period — if you owe even $1 when it ends, you’ll owe back interest on your balances for the whole period.

      If you open a new credit card, that might ding your score a little, but if you are already around 800 it shouldn’t affect your overall picture. Especially if you keep the card open after you pay it off (even for another 6-12 months) because your credit utilization ratio will fall sharply.

      • Anonymous

        This is not accurate as to the “you will owe back interest on your balances for the whole period.” That is true for store credit cards where they offer you a 0% financing period. I have never seen it on a regular bank credit card with a teaser rate (of course there may be outliers, so read carefully). Instead, typically the existing balance will just begin to accrue interest at what may be an exorbitant rate when the intro rate expires. (There are also different consequences if the 0% applies only to balances rolled over from another card, but that is not your situation.)

    • anon

      Same here. My score did dip by ~50 or so points, but we got two (one each for DH and myself) for a home reno to allow us to cover until year end distributions. And then when it was paid off the score lifted.

  5. Anonymous

    I’m very pro mask so please don’t take this as me saying I don’t want to wear masks — in fact I don’t frequent businesses that tend to attract lots of anti masking types — but does anyone else find it odd to communicate with people when you/they can’t smile? I would NEVER have thought a year ago that I’d even care and yet with all this I have realized that I am someone who is quick to share a compliment or a witty or corny statement when I interact with people –whether coworkers or the lady checking me in for a dr appointment; nowadays I’m not doing that because honestly why not just transact whatever business you need to and move on without subjecting them to your speaking and exhaling when they have to interact with public all day and may not want to do that. Yet just had a drs appointment with a dr I’ve known for 20+ years and there was no real rush so we chatted as normal and I realized it’s weird to not share smiles over anything with people you’ve known for decades who are asking about your life. I know I’ve heard people say something about “smile with your eyes” but TBH I don’t even know what that means. Anyone else?

    • Anon

      Yeah this is a thing but it’s even worse for child development and for people who need to lip-read. I wish transparent masks were a real widespread thing.

      • Anon

        Ok the lip reading is a problem for sure, but presumably a young child spends most of their time with their non-masked parents at home. I don’t want to give the anti maskers unnecessary ammunition. (Not saying you’re one)

          • Anon

            Please don’t also spread the misconception that kids with working parents don’t spend the majority of their time with their parents.

          • Anon

            I don’t think it is a misconception. If a child is in daycare during working hours and is with the parents from 5-7 pm and then goes to bed, the child is seeing a mask 8 hours of the day and the parent’s face 2 hours of the day. No one is saying it makes the parents bad. It’s just a valid concern about child development and I’m an avid mask proponent.

          • Anon

            Agree with Anon at 4:26, this isn’t a misconception, I’m a parent, my kid absolutely spends more of her waking hours at daycare than with us. She spends more time with us overall, but a lot of that is time she’s sleeping. All but 1.5-2 hours/day of her awake time M-F is at daycare. I support masks but I am validly concerned about how spending so much of her time with masked adults may affect her speech/social development.

          • Anon

            Anon at 3:53 pm, the only reason that my child spends more awake time with us than with daycare is because my husband is currently working part-time.

            Reality is what reality is. I believe that I can be a good mom when I play with my son in the morning, at night, and sporadically during the days when he’s home. That does not mean that he’s spending all this time with me; feminism doesn’t add extra hours to a 168 hour week.

          • Anon

            Good grief, yes of course children with all different abilities and backgrounds overcome difficulties and manage to develop normally. But also many don’t, so there’s that. In any event, the fact that some children can and do socialize without being able to see facial expressions doesn’t minimize the fact that being able to see facial expressions is scientifically backed to be an important development tool. It’s one of the reasons why blind children get lots of early intervention services to help mitigate not having that benefit.

        • Anon

          Sadly no, if your kid goes to daycare. If you drop your kid off at 8:30 AM and pick them up at 5 PM you see them for like an hour in the morning and 2.5 hours before bedtime, part of which you need to make dinner, pack lunches, wash dishes, take baths, etc. Kids spend way more time at daycare than at home.

      • BeenThatGuy

        This. My brother is deaf (happened in the last 5 years) and mainly a lip reader. The last 6 months have been very difficult and isolating for him.

      • Anon

        My 10 month old is at daycare with masked teachers. His teachers have been masked with for the last 5 months.

        I can’t say I notice a difference between his attachment to his teachers and socialization skills vs that of his older sister when she was the same age.

        He seems to respond well to the look in their eyes and the sound of their voice.

        Just from an anecdotal perspective.

    • Anonymous

      I’m in a Canadian province that requires masks in basically all indoor spaces even though we only have one known case. People are fine with it for the most part and around the office you can totally see if people are smiling or not. Try looking in the mirror with your mask on and smiling. You can see how your eye scrunch up etc. You can mostly tell if someone is smiling even if they are wearing a mask. Also becoming more popular here are the ones with a clear plastic window so you can see the person’s mouth. A lot of teachers are using those.

    • anonshmanon

      It’s definitely harder, not just small talk and smiles, but even the necessary conversation can be hard to hear with everyone masked plus the bustle of a store. I’m sure the grocery store clerks have to repeat themselves every time they offer a bag, ask for store card etc. I try to pay more attention and speak louder than my normal volume, but it’s not the same. This won’t be forever, though.

      • Anon

        I’ve had trouble hearing when the clerk is behind plexiglass and a mask in a loud store. We make it work though.

    • anon

      Paging Tyra Banks! I just over-exaggerate my smile so that my eyes crinkle up. I imagine this would look terrifying and sarcastic without the mask.

      • Mary Ann Singleton

        Smizing for the win! I just heard Tyra on NPR talking about how she came up with that (now trademarked) term. It’s really having its moment during COVID.

    • anon

      I can see how others would find it odd (especially children) but I don’t, personally. I have been trying to compensate by being extra expressive where I can, especially with people who know me or whom I see regularly. There are many parts of your face that are expressive other than your mouth. You can tilt you head or nod, your eyes crinkle when you smile, your eyebrows can be extremely expressive. Your tone of voice can vary. My SO and I were in the grocery store the other day and I was feeling super grumpy– he was smiling at me in an encouraging way and I couldn’t see his mouth, but I could tell that he was because of the way that his eyes softened and crinkled and his cheeks lifted up. Keep an eye out for body language, tone of voice, and facial expression outside of the mouth. People may also be inclined to follow your cues if you are more expressive.

    • Kitten

      Yea, I overcompensate by being verbally friendly..ie say hello rather than just smile and nod. I can’t move my eyebrows though so….

    • Anonymous

      If you genuinely don’t know what “smile with your eyes” mean – google Duchenne smile.

      If you truly smile, as in your emotions really are engaged, your eyes will crinkle. A social, polite, “I-acknowledge-you” smile do NOT have to be “real”, and so your eyes are not engaged, just your mouth. A social smile is super useful and a great social tool, but it’s the facial equivalent of asking “how are you” to people as a greeting – you’re not asking how they are, you’re saying hi and acknowledging them, not asking for a real update.

  6. Anonymous

    What’s everyone having for dinner tonight? I think we’re having baked chicken with pepperoni.

    • anon for this

      Tell me more about chicken with pepperoni!

      Our house is having chicken enchilada casserole, aka I am too lazy to roll individual enchiladas.

      • Anonymous

        ooh, tell me more about the casserole! pepperoni chicken = broil raw chicken breasts for 10 minutes a side, for the last 5 minutes add cheese and pepperoni (pepperoncini, whatever). If you’re fancy pound them first.

        • anon for this

          Chicken enchilada casserole: basically a lasagna format. I use the crockpot salsa chicken that’s already cooked and shredded. Then sauce on bottom, layer corn tortillas, **chicken, beans/rice/corn/whatever you want, cheese, light sauce, tortillas, light sauce, repeat from ** until it’s as tall as you want, top with cheese. Bake at 350 until it’s heated through and the cheese is melted.

    • Dear Summer

      I think I’ll be making the Budget Bytes Cauliflower Masala(I typically add chicken). It’s one of my favorite “pantry” meals and genuinely easy to throw together. I’ll add the link below.

        • Anon

          Thanks for posting this. I made it, but of course I made it differently as I have a tendency to do, and it was delish.

          Differences: no cauliflower on hand, added a handful of very mature green beans from my garden, used an onion masala I already had on hand for onion, ginger, garlic, and tomato, added 1/2 a chopped jalapeño, and some curry leaves. I used the coconut cream option. It needed more salt. But the spice mix above the break is very good if your garam masala is good.

          Served with turmeric rice and raita made from Greek yogurt, grated cucumber from my garden, grated carrot, salt, and fried cumin seeds.

    • Diana Barry

      Steak with marinade from our favorite restaurant (this is rare, both the steak and getting food from outside), corn, snap peas and peppers that I probably won’t cook, corn bread. If my 4 pm meeting doesn’t go too long I’ll make rice krispy treats.

    • Curious

      I don’t know, but I came here to tell everyone I made salsa chicken last night, and it was delish.

    • Anon

      Last night, we did ribeye steak (and fake meat) with an onion blue cheese sauce – Pioneer Woman recipe. It was amazing and ridiculously easy.

    • Anonymous

      The Summer Succotash from NYT Cooking. A farewell to summer and a good way to use up the shrimp taking up space in my freezer.

      • Senior Attorney

        OMG I would love a nice bahn mi right now.

        Preferably in Vietnam…

  7. ANon

    i live in TX. why oh why are restaurants going to be allowed to operate at 75% capacity

  8. Anon

    I am of Indian origin, live in the US and am very light skinned. My elementary school aged daughter is medium brown skinned. She has recently started noticing this and we had a conversation about melanin in the skin and how it protects you. Later on, she said wistfully that she wished she did not have as much melanin in her skin! She even went so far as to say she would look “more beautiful” that way, and it broke my heart. She also wanted to look more like Elsa.
    Can you suggest any resources for her to feel more beautiful in her own skin (quite literally)? I was thinking maybe an American girl doll with brown skin and curly hair (Nanea)? She is on the young side for those dolls though. More books or movies with brown skinned characters? Any advice or conversational tips that will help? Her sibling resembles me and has lighter skin, which she may have noticed, but none of us really talk about skin/beauty or looks much, so not sure where this is coming from. Potentially media exposure and books with pictures, but we haven’t seen any of the old princessy Disney movies.

    • ATL

      I would imagine that an elementary aged child is the PERFECT age for an American Girl doll! I had two as a kid and played with them for literally years. It made Christmas and birthday shopping so easy for my mom.

    • Anonymous

      The newer Disney movies have more, Tiana, Mulan and Moana for example. See also Mira Royal Detective (Indian girl detective) and Doc McStuffins on Disney Junior though she may be a bit old for those if she is in elementary school. I don’t think elementary school age is too young for an American Girl doll. We also try to keep the home library stocked with books featuring kids from a variety of backgrounds. Ada Twist Scientist has a fun experiments workbook in addition to the story book.

      • Vicky Austin

        +1 – elementary school were prime AG interest years for me. Lots to choose from there as well.

    • No Face

      Colorism permeates all media, not just old Disney movies, so it’s not surprising that she noticed. I am a black woman with medium brown skin. I noticed early on that the “beautiful” characters were all lighter than me pretty early on. I also noticed that many of the “bad” characters were darker.

      It takes work to counter-act the implicit messages. That means actively consuming media (books, television shows, movies) that feature people with darker skin tones portrayed in a positive light. Maybe call your local library and ask for recommendations for books about diversity, books showing people with dark skin, books with Indian characters, etc.

      Dolls are a good choice too. I bought an Ikuzi doll for my daughter. The dolls are unnamed and come in skin/hair combos (light skin + curly hair, medium skin + wavy hair, etc) so you can get one that looks like your daughter.

    • OP Anon

      The American Doll website recommends them for 8+ and she is not there yet, but I agree I don’t see any reason why she couldn’t have them earlier.
      We have seen Mulan, thanks for the other recos, very helpful!

      • Anonymous

        They are pretty popular with first graders in my area. I don’t think many people wait until age 8.Probably age 8+ to understand the story lines etc but even the AG doll and girl matching clothes comes in smaller kid sizes.

      • Anon

        My 5 year old is OBSESSED with her Am Girl doll. Highly highly recommend! Also you can pick a doll that looks like her — not just the historical characters.

        • Anonymous

          Yep my 5 year old son recently inherited my circa 1990 AG doll and he loooooooves it.

      • Cat

        FWIW, I received my American Girl for my 8th birthday (early 90s), but several friends already had dolls by that age. It feels like kids age out of dolls faster than they used to, so giving it to her a little younger than that (6?) is probably right on the mark for her to get a lot of joy out of it!

      • Anon

        I think the American Girl recommendation might be based more on the books than the dolls themselves, but I know growing up my parents and friends parents decided when to buy them based on whether the child in question seemed mature enough to not destroy a $100 doll while playing with it.

        You can also get custom American Girl dolls with whatever combination of hair type/color and skin color you want.

      • Anon

        My nieces were really into them I think around first grade? They had the Target knockoffs, though.

        • anon

          I feel ya on this, OP. My brown-skinned 6 year old daughter made some similar comments around age 4 and 5. I cried. I worked really hard to give her toys and media with characters of all colors. I want her to know that all skin colors are beautiful. One thing that has helped is talking about race and racism and how it exists in places where you’re not expecting it (toys, fun kid movies).

      • Anonymous

        If your daughter takes good care of her possessions, she should be ready for an AG doll at age 5 or 6.

      • Anonymous

        My kiddo got hers for Christmas last year. She was in K at the time but had already turned 6.

        It’s not 8+ for the dolls; it’s maybe 8+ for the books that go with them. She’s 7 now and we read the books together. She has Kit and it was nice to read about then discuss the Depression.

    • anon

      I think she is old enough for an AG doll, but would also get a Target brand OG doll since they are much cheaper. My daughter got bored with hers after a month. There are also darker skinned barbies. There is also a lego friends character who has darker skin.

    • Anonymous

      If you’re on Instagram, highly recommend following accounts that share books with diverse characters. I personally recommend @hereweread and @inclusivestorytime, which in addition to racial diversity, suggest books featuring non traditional families, characters with disabilities, and LGBTQ characters. My kids are younger than yours, so I don’t have specific book reccs, but the accounts are fantastic. I make a point to get at least half of our library books from their recommendations.

    • Anonie

      As a woman of mixed-race, my heart breaks that your little girl is struggling to see herself as beautiful.

      I agree that an AG (and other brands of dolls) doll with her skin and hair color would be very appropriate. I also agree that exposing her to books and movies with characters who have her coloring is important. I recommend watching it for age appropriateness first, as I can’t recall if there is any adult content, but the Bride and Prejudice movie is an Indian-casted take on Pride and Prejudice that might be fun for her.

      Unfortunately, the Mindy Kaling show is very adult-oriented, but you MIGHT be able to watch a season or 2 and screen them for the rare more kid-friendly episodes. If I remember correctly, Slumdog Millionaire was kid-friendly (it’s been years since I’ve seen it, so double-check). And the brand new David Copperfield movie has recast the Dickens’ character as a handsome Indian guy with medium brown skin.

      Also, I know the first Indian-American Miss America was named a few years back. I don’t know what she’s been up to or if she’s remained a good role model for young women (and yes, I know pageants are problematic) but it might be worth looking up her social media and telling your daughter about her.

      VP candidate Kamala Harris is also a beautiful woman of partial Indian heritage and would make for a wonderful role model. (Admittedly, her skin is pretty light.)

      Oh, and don’t stop at just exposing her to Indian characters and role models…the old Brandi Cinderella that came out when I was a kid had a colorblind cast and I LOVED it as a little girl. I think the whole film is available on YouTube.

      This opens up another can of worms, but commenting on the beauty of women of color that you see in commercials, movies, or real life *could* be something worth attempting.

      Wishing you and your daughter the best!

      • Anonie

        Oh and one more thought…Aladdin! I loved that movie (cartoon version) as a little girl and thought Jasmine was the most beautiful woman ever. My parents recall that I watched it constantly as a kid. Who knows, Jasmine might have been the reason I felt pretty comfortable in my own skin haha :)

        I would definitely show her both the cartoon and the live-action remake, which has a half-Indian actress playing Jasmine.

    • Annonn

      Super late to this so not sure you’ll see. I don’t want to make any assumptions, but knowing South Asian culture I have to ask if there are any grandparents/ extended family who may have instilled these views in her. Colorism is so predominant, especially in older generations (but not exclusively — so many of us saw it in Indian Matchmaking, for example). It’s worth thinking about, as well as considering whether you’ve internalized those views at all.

  9. People who can't wear masks

    My roommate is a supervisor and supervises someone who insists on working in the office and only wearing a mask sometimes. The person isn’t an anti-masker, just says that a medical issue makes it hard to wear the mask sometimes. I’m all “you have to let HR give you and the worker direction on this and not try to wing it.” I get that there is a small part of the population for whom masks are a problem. I get that some tasks are better done at work than from home. But I feel that maybe a business shouldn’t push these decisions down to each supervisor, but should have a “mask or WFH mandate,” at least at first, especially as many other workers wouldn’t want to come back to a “masked, sometimes” co-worker. IDK re ability to get private offices with doors for those who can’t mask, but I feel bad that many amateurs are winging it (and sure to be named when people start suing).

    Is there any good scientific place to look re people who legit can’t wear masks all the time? If I give it to her, she would read it and maybe bring to HR. IDK the answer to this, but it seems like just a bad path to start down and is stressing her out (so I get vicarious stress).

    • Anon

      I’m sure it’s just BS. My friend is dealing with a lot of people at her work who insist they “cannot” wear masks and “concentrate” on their jobs (yet they somehow manage to wear scrubs, safety goggles, and gloves just fine – lab setting). There are very few medical conditions that someone who is still managing to show up to the office would have that would prevent them from wearing a mask. If there is a genuine issue, it should definitely go through HR, be documented, and not left up to the supervisor’s discretion. Everyone else should get to WFH to avoid this person.

      • Anon

        I think the most common conditions that prevent or makes it difficult to wear masks are anxiety and anxiety-related mental health issues. Since that’s not exactly a visible condition, I would definitely push this to HR so they can get whatever documentation is needed and start discussing accommodation options. That way you’re not making life even harder for someone for a legitimate issue, but you’re also holding fast against people trying to game the system regardless of the cost to everyone else.

    • Mask ?

      Do people in your work place wear masks in private offices when more than 6 feet from the doorway? We do not, and everyone IMMEDIATELY puts on masks when people stop at the doorways.

      • Anonymous

        Her workspace is cubes and only managers have offices, so it’s limited by status (but even then, it’s b/c it is really limited by not having space to give everyone an office). So IDK what the solution is.

        But overall, is it even true that some people cannot wear masks (or can’t wear them all of the time)? Maybe people on oxygen (not the case here) or with some phobias? I am guessing you’d get a doctor’s note. But if there is a universe of known conditions where this is true (person who has had nose trauma)?

        • Anon

          There are people who have anxiety issues related to masks and may be able to wear them fine sometimes but have trouble when they are stressed/having a panic attack/triggered by other events or stimuli etc. These individuals can get a doctor’s note and work with HR to arrange accommodations that keep everyone as safe as possible.

          Unfortunately a lot of people are making up fake conditions or pretending to have real ones to get out of wearing masks. It’s got to be hard to figure out how to enforce the rules without harming people with legitimate issues.

        • Anon

          It depends who you ask. There is a pulmonoloigist around here requiring anyone that wants a doctor’s note to not wear a mask to go through a clinic with a psychologist first. He says that asthma and COPD do not prohibit one from wearing a mask and that people who feel like it does are just experiencing anxiety. I’m not saying he’s right but that is one medical professional’s opinion.

          When I went to my primary lately, there was a sign in the waiting room saying that they would not write doctor’s notes to avoid mask wearing. I don’t know if they made any exceptions but the sign basically said don’t even bother asking.

          • Anon

            I know people whose breathing is so bad they have in-home respiratory support who are still capable of wearing masks. If he has patients with severe respiratory weakness who are still wearing masks to their appointments, I can certainly see where his opinion is coming from.

    • brokentoe

      IDK, but could HR ask for a dr’s note attesting to the “medical condition” that prevents mask wearing? Note or WFH.

      • Anonymous

        The reasonable accommodation for inability to wear a mask isn’t an exemption from the mask requirement, it’s WFH.

        • Anon

          Exactly this. I have chronic migraine and neck pain, so I do have trouble with anything that puts pressure behind my ears and on the back of my head (including jackets or shirts with a stiff collar). I always wear a mask when I need to go somewhere, but I WFH and don’t leave the house much these days. I’d be in a world of hurt if I had to wear a mask all day every day. I could do it, but I’d be in enough pain that it would affect my work. The reasonable accommodation would be WFH or potentially modification of in person work hours so I only had to do a few hours at a time with good ergonomics. I could certainly see anxiety being an issue as well, but again, the accommodation needs to be ways accommodate the medical issue, not no mask.

    • Anonymous

      The employee needs to take this to HR to request an accommodation for her b.s. made-up medical condition and then let HR give direction to your supervisor friend. This reminds me of the entitlement recipients in the 90s who said they could not be switched to an EBT card due to a plastic allergy.

    • Anon

      I think “I can’t wear masks” is the new “my dog is an emotional support animal.”

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