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Last Call has a nice sale going on right now on accessories, including tons of great office-appropriate jewelry from brand Panacea (also sold at Nordstrom, fwiw). I like a lot of the pieces, but my favorite is this long pendant necklace with large white stones — it's the kind of thing I'd wear with sheath dresses, turtlenecks, boatnecks and more all season long. The pendant was $65 but is now $31. Panacea Double Drop Pendant Necklace
(L-all)
Sales of note for 9.10.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Save up to 40% on new markdowns
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
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SoAnon
Trigger warning re: domestic abuse.
This thread jack is going to ruffle some feathers and a lot of you are going to say “run far away,” but I am less interested in those answers because they are so obvious to me.
Several years ago, I was in an emotionally and occasionally s*xually abusive relationship with a man. He was both an alcoholic and a hard drug addict. Times of abuse all coincided with him (and often me) being very drunk and/or high. While he would sober up and become remorseful – he was usually intoxicated in some way. (Though bizarrely a highly successful lawyer). Eventually I got out, got therapy, and learned to deal with the deep-seated self-esteem issues that got me into this situation in the first place.
About two months ago, this man contacted me to make amends. He has, apparently, been sober for two years. I agreed to meet him (in public), and he seemed like a completely different person. He expressed deep regret and seemed nearly to tears. He has been in therapy and rehab, etc.
We started seeing each other more regularly, as friends at first. He helped me move into a new place. Eventually the things that originally attracted me to him were re-sparked and it has become more romantic between us. He is so different that I have a hard time conflating him with the man I knew.
My friends and therapist, of course, were hugely upset about this man coming back into my life. However, his extreme remorse (which he has continued to express) and sobriety (which has not seemed to waver), have swayed them more favorably. I am taking things very slowly.
I am being extremely cautious, but I also tend toward naïveté and radical forgiveness. I guess my question is: have you known people like this who have truly made a recovery? Have you been able to forgive someone who has done terrible things to you?
Anonymous
I haven’t been in this exact situation, but I would wonder whether re-entering your relationship could jeopardize his sobriety. I am in a situation of finding it very difficult to forgive someone who has treated me badly, so I’ll be following this for ideas.
Rose
I’m the “non judgmental” friend. Are you still in counseling? I’d highly recommend finding a counselor to talk things through while you are navigating this “new” relationship. Someone with a strong personality that will call BS if he starts to change and you become stuck in the same pattern. (I’m also a domestic violence survivor, FWTW).
Cici
Well when you first met him I’m sure he wasn’t abusive right away either right? Otherwise you would have left on the first date. He waited you out until you were in deep enough. It could be that he is completely changed- but it doesn’t mean you have to be the one there for it. You can forgive him without being with him. There are millions of men in the world and I don’t think it’s worth it to be with this one- there is the chance that he will revert, that you will revert and this will Destroy your friendships. You going back to him- maybe to prove you can “handle it” seems like an alcoholic deciding to work in a bar, and makes me think those self esteem issues have not been worked on enough
mascot
“It could be that he is completely changed- but it doesn’t mean you have to be the one there for it. You can forgive him without being with him.” +100
Anonymous
Mmmmm. Forgive, sure! F**k, nope!
Anonymous
This could be a relationship that you need to work on twice as hard for a few reasons.
Violent relationships decimate boundaries. If you are back with him, old co-dependent behaviors can creep back in. Re-read your post – there is a lot of focus on where HE is, but not so much about YOU being 100% better.
Could you re-write the post so it empasizes how you have grown. I do get that you are in counseling – that is a signal for a beginning – exactly where are you on healthy relationship skills.
You have external signals from people who know you personally and clinically that this is a bad idea. You seem to be ignoring them or dismissing them. What DON’T they know about you/experienced from you that would tip this balance toward confidence about this relationship? How are you communicating to the world about where you are with relationships?
How are you and he handling disagreements? The movie Runaway Bride has a thread of the Bride figuring out how she likes her eggs. Can you be yourself in small matters and be respected?
Would you give this request the time of day if you were in a relationship? I ask, because we crave human connection and he may be a plate of food that was comforting years ago that might not be to your tastes now.
What does your inner Mighty Girl say? The one who keeps watch over the Clubhouse of You? There are times when mine says – you can play a little, but tell them to move on, as wear & tear are a concern. There are signs. If they show up, you can love the person and let them go.
Anonymous
There are several questions here:
Yes, I believe that someone can recover fully.
I believe that someone who has been violent can stop doing so.
I don’t necessarily believe that the answer to either of those questions means that you should consider starting a relationship or be precluded from starting a relationship.
I have an abusive parent, and I still have a relationship with them. Cutting them off is not an option. It doesn’t mean that I have forgiven them, and it doesnt mean that we are close. It means that the relationship survives and we aren’t as close as we could be, and sometimes I have to redraw the boundaries of our relationship. I don’t know if that helps, but I just wanted to point out that “run, run far away” doesn’t always work and isn’t always appropriate.
Anon
As the wife of an alcoholic, I can honestly say that alcohol changes people. My husband was a completely different person before alcohol started controlling his life. Two years of sobriety is a huge success but is not a guarantee that he won’t relapse in the future. I see nothing wrong with your relationship so long as you recognize that the chance of relapse and return of the bad version will always be there. If you are still drinking, have a serious conversation with him about his triggers and whether you would need to amend your lifestyle to accommodate him.
Anonymous
Oh good grief. I’d be cutting ties with you. Sure, maybe he’s changed. And? What is wrong with you that you value your own life and happiness so cheaply you’re willing to try and see again? Why, years later, is there still room in your life for him? Why are you willing to become dependent on him by letting him move you instead of, say, non abusive professional movers? What does your therapist say about this? Why do you feel ok asking your actual loved ones to reopen this traumatic wound?
You aren’t being extremely cautious at all. At all. Even a little bit. You’ve known the “new” him for two months and you’re already romantic again. You’re being an idiot and you know it.
August
I understand that you answer was not what OP was looking for, but I totally agree with what you said especially this..”What is wrong with you that you value your own life and happiness so cheaply you’re willing to try and see again?”.
Anonymous
And, yes, I know it’s harsh. But it’s also a really good question to explore in therapy. Everyone is worth more than abuse or serious risk of abuse. If you don’t see that, you need help.
Anonymous
OMG. You have talked to your therapist? Who hates this idea? How dare you say you are being cautious?!? How dare you?!? You have proven that you have terrible judgment about this man before. And now you are recklessly leaning in for more even though your professional help says not to.
Eenteresting.
Well, i bet you feel better after getting that off your chest!
Ellen
I agree. I would never let Sheketovits back into my apartement, let alone my bed. He was an alchoholic, and he made me do things sexueally for him that I regret to this day. Even tho his mom is nice, it would be Sheketovits himself that I would have to deal with again, and I have vowed that I would never get close to him or any of his body parts again. I have been good to stick to my gun’s on this even tho other’s want me to be married already. Yes, I want to be married, but never to a guy who does not respect me sexueally. FOOEY!
Killer Kitten Heels
Pure anecdata here, but I don’t know any recovered addicts who were able to maintain sobriety and also return to pre-sobriety relationships (except maybe if the relationship pre-dated the addiction). My question for you is, why *this* guy? Because he’s sorry he used to abuse you while he was high? You do know there are lots and lots of men out there who won’t abuse you at all (many of them even when drunk/high), right?
I am suspicious as h3ll of someone who used “amends” to weasel his way back into your life and your pants. That’s basically the opposite of the intended outcome of amends, and says to me that while he may be sober, he’s probably not done being emotionally manipulative.
Anonymous
Yasssssssss preach all of this. He is a bad bad man for you. And everything he does shows that.
bridget
Yes! If he were really remorseful, he would stay away from you. Sometimes, you make amends by saying your apologies and then leaving the person alone.
LAnon
Something to consider, although my experience is not nearly on the same level as yours…
My first very serious boyfriend (i.e. first one I seriously thought might be “The One”) cheated on me. It was very difficult but eventually I decided to forgive him and we decided to stay together.
However, it irreparably damaged the dynamics of the relationship, and I found I could never truly forgive him. Instead, I fell into this mindset of always thinking that it didn’t matter if I wasn’t treating him well, because “well, he cheated on me” was my constant mental refrain.
Eventually, we ended it because even though I had theoretically forgiven him, the reality was that it was unlikely I would ever truly be able to see him as a real relationship partner. Do you think you could even move past this fully enough not to think of yourself as the benevolent soul who has taken him back, but rather as relationship equals?
Calico
In one case I was not able to forgive the person and cut him out of my life. I also felt like I owed that to my friends and family after the struggle our relationship put them through. In the case of my mother, she did go to recovery and stay sober. We do have a close relationship, but I have not been able to forgive her fully. Our history taints so much of our relationship.
I know this isn’t what you’re looking for, so sorry, but I believe there is someone out there for you with a clean slate. Someone that you could introduce to your family and they could delight in getting to know. Someone with whom you could tell your future children your entire story.
Anon S
Working moms: I am returning to work next week after an awesome 6 month maternity leave. Anything you wish you would have gotten done before going back to work? Or anything you’re really happy you did? Trying to make sure I have all my ducks in a row! Thanks in advance.
nylon girl
Welcome back! You may want to consider restocking the freezer with easy to heat meals like soups, etc. Also, maybe starting holiday shopping. Congrats on the 6 month leave. That sounds awesome!
Anonymous
These are great ideas. Make all returns. Stock up on household items. Go to Costco. Buy gifts for birthdays and upcoming holidays. Organize your closet. Have your life running perfectly.
Maddie Ross
I got my hair cut and highlighted the Saturday before I went back, so I looked as good as I could, and I didn’t have to blow dry the first morning back in the routine. Both things were huge (mental) helps.
Baby House Guest
Need advice! My SIL and her almost-2-year-old daughter are staying with us this weekend. We do not have kids. We have a small guest room — prepared on that front for adult guests. However we haven’t had small children stay with us before. Other than making sure everything (floors especially, I would guess?) is super clean, do you have any tips on what we can do to prepare the house to make their visit as comfortable as possible for everyone? Maybe certain baby-proofing things we should do? (We don’t really want to go all-out on this since it’s only for a few days, but any absolutely necessary things?) I’m not sure what exactly to ask but I would really appreciate any advice here! Thanks!
mascot
Put away things that are precious/breakable/irresistible to small kids. If you have pets, they might be more comfortable in a room that a curious toddler can’t follow them into. A plastic plate and take and toss cup from the grocery store can make meals easier.
kc esq
Do you have stairs? If so, try to borrow a baby gate for the stairs. Not so much for safety as to give all the adults a break from having to monitor the kid and whether she wants to climb stairs. Put knick-knacks away to remove the temptation.
ace
Have you figured out where the kid will sleep? If driving (and maybe if flying), mom might bring a pack and play, or may just be planning to co-sleep. Maybe ask if there’s anything you can do on that front — e.g., borrow a pack & play from a friend or make sure there’s an air mattress available?
Ask about what food you can get in advance, and/or facilitate mom taking a trip to the grocery store after arrival.
It’s nice of you to think these issues thru in advance!
Maddie Ross
Nearly two year olds are walkers (generally), so I wouldn’t worry more than you usually do with guests about the floors (i.e., my 2 year old will play on the floor, but not normally pick up random things to chew like a little baby or crawl around). And other than move things that are fragile (or at least be willing to do so), I wouldn’t expect someone to “baby proof” for me. If you want to be exceptionally kind, I would recommend a gate if you have stairs. I normally travel with the pack & play and kid-friendly cups, but you could check and see if they needed anything like that. Another suggestion – again not necessary, but if you wanted to be exceptionally kind – is some kind of puzzle or blocks that the little one could play with that’s new. It could either stay with you for other kids or be a gift. Just a suggestion for keeping the LO occupied.
Clementine
One of my most popular ‘toys’ with the 1-2 year old crowd in my house are bunches of old magazines and catalogs. Kids really get a kick out of ‘reading’ them and turning all the pages, but if they tear anything it’s no issue at all.
Anonymous
If the two year old still uses a crib, maybe you could borrow a pack n’ play from a friend. It is a lot nicer to have to bring a portable crib on a plane, but SIL should be able to tell you if that is something that she needs.
I do not ever expect (but it is nice) if I arrive somewhere that has milk and a few two-year old appropriate snacks (i.e. goldfish crackers, yogurt, or pouches). You could ask SIL is there is anything in particular that would be helpful to have on hand.
Finally, I do not expect, but it is nice when someone has taken time to move breakable items that are 3 feet or below up and out of the reach of the child. The thing that makes me feel the most comfortable when I visit someone is not to be in constant fear that my child will destroy something (particularly something meaningful) of our hosts.
NYC tech
For a 2 year old, I wouldn’t even worry about making things “super-clean”. Just the same normal clean you would do for any guest is more than sufficient – the 2 year old will likely be the dirtiest thing in the room. Mostly, I’d recommend looking for anything delicate, expensive, breakable, or valuable that is within 3 feet of the ground or a piece of furniture, and move it out of reach (so your stuff doesn’t get broken). Also, things that tip over (like a tall, slightly top-heavy lamp) – see if it can be blocked behind a piece of furniture or something. And if you’re in an apartment on the 2nd floor or above (or a multi-story house), close and lock any windows that don’t have bars.
Anonymous
Hide everything you don’t want a 2 year old to play with – things that you would be upset if they were broken or torn, dangerous things.
MSJ
As a parent, I am perfectly happy to bring my own gear (crib, cups, toys, snacks) but would super appreciate any delicate/dangerous items moved out of reach, gates on stairs and cheap outlet covers in the main rooms. I wouldn’t expect it and could deal with it otherwise but it would make it easier to have a real conversation Vs being paranoid my kid is going to mess up your space.
Cotton
Any ideas for a 2nd anniversary gift (cotton)?
Not looking to spend a lot although not opposed to it. We don’t really need new sheets so that idea is most likely out. I’d rather not do the paper route since that was last year.
nutella
Cotton candy at a carnival/state fair? A cozy blanket? Tickets to the Cotton Bowl? New towels? A nice, luxurious bathrobe? Slippers?
KittyKat
Maybe a nice throw for snuggles on the couch?
Bonnie
Tickets to a concert. You could print them on nice cotton paper or buy him an associated t-shirt.
Fellow Newlywed
I just had my 2 year anniversary as well. I had a photo from our honeymoon blown up onto canvas (which can be made of cotton!).
Anonymous
How often does Ann Taylor have sales? There’s a jacket I tried on a store in a far away mall this weekend (I live in a shopping desert)that I really like but don’t want to pay full price. I also don’t want it to sell out of my size either.
Bonnie
All the time. I would never buy anything there at full price.
Anon Worker Bee
Are you on their mailing list?I get an email every day with some kind of deal and sales happen pretty often.
Anonymous
literally every day. if you can’t get a discount today, check next week.
Anonny
Don’t settle for any price more than 70% of sticker price. For real. 30% or 40% off all. the. time.
Brunette Elle Woods
I always get deals from AT. It’s great. I actually have a coupon for $50 off a purchase of $100 at full price if you want it.
Anon Worker Bee
In case you check this thread again, I got an email this morning that you can get 40% off new fall styles and an extra 60% off sale style using the code SHOPFALL.
purplesneakers
Possibly ridiculous wardrobe question, but it’s bugging me.
I have a conference soon that I’ll be taking a red-eye to. Usually my flight uniform is trackpants and a college tee; obviously that’s not an option this time around. I’m debating either changing into a dress in the airport, or just flying in a dress in the first place so that’s one less thing to deal with when I land. I’ll be by myself so no coworkers to care about. Thoughts?
Killer Kitten Heels
If you have a dress in a fabric that won’t wrinkle from long hours sitting (and won’t drive you crazy on the flight), wear it. Otherwise, I’d do usual uniform + change at the airport and keep the dress in a garment bag to avoid wrinkling.
Anonymous
Fly in whatever you want, change when you arrive.
Wildkitten
And wash your face and put on makeup after you arrive.
Dulcinea
I lean towards more formal clothing ALWAYS, so I would never wear track pants in the first place except literally inside the gym or my house. I say this so you can take my advice with appropriate grains of salt.
Personally, I always have one pair of “stealth comfy pants” for work. I just got a pair of AT pants this weekend that fit this description. MAde of a soft drapey non-wrinkly fabric with a wide comfortable waistband, they look somewhat structured/dressy (they have pockets and a crease in the front) but are nearly as comfortable as PJs. I just took a red-eye and I wore those with slip-on wedges, a short sleeved knit shirt, and a cotton cardigan on top and I was pretty comfortable. (Also wearing jewelry) I think that is a sufficiently professional outfit if you run into someone before you get a chance to change, and may even be fancy enough for your event. I agree with doing hair/makeup after you land though.
NYC Anon
Not the OP, but could you send a link to these magic AT pants? :)
Anonymous
100% agree. If I’m traveling anywhere for business, where I might meet someone professionally, I wear business casual, or a smart casual that is comfortable.
Fan of Red - Eyes
100% do the airport change – make sure toiletries are near the top so you can properly freshen . The master of the red-eye is she who stays the most comfortable.
CA_Anon
I was just accepted into a really awesome mentoring program, organized by a women lawyers association in my area. The mentor I was assigned is intimidating! She’s head of a practice group (the same area of law I practice), board certified, well known in the area, etc etc etc. I am so excited about the opportunity to talk to her, semi-regularly, for an entire year, but my nerves are getting the best of me. What kind of questions do you ask a mentor? I’ve never had one in a structured relationship like this. The attorneys I work for give me great direction in terms of the actual legal work we do, so I’d want to focus more career, politics in a firm, long term success type stuff. I’m a fourth year attorney, fwiw, and one of two female attorneys in my small firm.
Does anyone have any ideas on how to start figuring this out? By “this,” I mean, what to say when we meet? A year-long relationship seems like a short period of time when what I’m looking to get out of this is on such a long time span? (Don’t worry, I will come across much cooler when I actually meet her!)
Best Coast
Ask her about her career path and experience- how did she get to where she is now? What surprised her along the way? Are there other paths she could have taken, and why did she chose her current path? Looking back, what experience would she have sought out that would help her today? What have been some of the most difficult decisions she’s had to make professionally? What cases, experience helped her grow the most? Who helped her along the way?
I wouldn’t sit her down and grill her with all of these at once, but hopefully one or more of them will help you start a much longer conversation that will lead into other topics.
Eenteresting.
How exciting! You’ll be way cool and great in person, no doubt.
I would see what her approach is, and mirror that. Best Coasts thoughts are stellar, and i would pair them with solid ideas of where you want to go in your career.
Also, maybe ask in your first meeting what her experiences with mentoring have been in the past: what worked best and so those experiences apply to your situation as well?
Similarly, maybe have an idea of how you want to be stretched and challenged. Lay out two or three short term goals for yourself, and share them with her. Ask if she can help you.
Know that mentoring is a two way street, so maybe ask her how you can help her with anything?
Not the most helpful response, but hopefully i jog an idea for you :)
Have fun!