Coffee Break – Edie Slingback Pump

Vaneli EdieOoh: I like these low 2″ VANELi heels, on sale at Amazon. The linen fabric looks durable but breathable, and I like the tiny bit of animal print edging, as well as the small cutout and bow on the vamp. They were $112, but are now marked to $50.50 (free shipping and returns). VANELi Women’s Edie Slingback Pump



  1. Two cents :

    Can anyone comment on whether you found the Bella Band useful during pregnancy and if so, what size you bought? I’m almost 5 months along and am still wearing my regular clothes but my pants are now starting to not fit anymore. I’m normally a size 4/6 in pants. Should I get size 1 or 2?

    Also, I remember someone commenting that the band permanently stretched out all of their pants, so they could not wear the pants after pregnancy. Can someone confirm one way or the other? Thanks!

    • I used the bella band sporadically during weeks 13-18ish during pregnancy but I did not like it, at all. I found that it slid around a lot and I was constantly fearing a wardrobe malfunction. And yes, I was in the correct size. For whatever it’s worth, I’m pear-shaped and most of my pear friends didn’t like it, either. However, the apples seem to have better luck, maybe because they carry differently?

      I can’t give any advice on sizing, as you are way smaller than I am. :)

    • goirishkj :

      I bought whatever brand Target has in the small (I think). I’m now 19 weeks and am only barely using it, but I used it a LOT around weeks 10-15. I’m 5’8 and usually wear a 6/8 in pants but I felt like I start showing crazy early (this is my first). Plus, I just really don’t like tight waistbands–I don’t mind the feeling of the band since it is more like control top hose and there’s pressure all over. Somehow, that’s different, I just HATE the feeling of lots of tight pressure right on my waistband.

      I’ve heard the warnings about stretching out clothes too–can’t confirm or deny, but I’m trying not to push non-maternity clothes too far to avoid that fate.

    • I wore one constantly between weeks 10-20 because I found that otherwise I could not comfortably sit at my desk without having my pants unbuttoned and completely unzipped, which was kind of awkward in our open door office when people pop in all the time and say “do you have a second to stop by my office to talk?” … sure let me just zip up my pants. For me by week almost five months the bella band was not really cutting it anymore. If you are still able to zip up your pants at this point you should at least try the band … I got one on amazon for pretty cheap and wore it all the time. I think I got a medium and I typically wear a size 6/8 pants. Are they the perfect solution? No, but the only alternative was wearing maternity pants and I really didn’t need them at week 10.

    • a passion for fashion :

      i didnt like it and didnt use it. i just used a rubber band to extend the life of my pants, with an untucked shirt.

    • Research, Not Law :

      They are nice when you’re trying to avoid wearing maternity pants at work until you announce the pregnancy or for when you have to make a non-maternity skirt work for a one-time event and don’t want to buy a maternity item for one-time use. But you’re going to need maternity pants at some point. Pat yourself on the back for going five months and just buy some comfortable pants already! ;)

      I stretched out a ton of tops when I wore them as long as I could with my first pregnancy. Such a bummer. I didn’t have it happen with any pants, but I wouldn’t guarantee.

    • Jane Fairfax :

      I was not a fan of the Bella Band. I couldn’t keep the Bella Band from migrating north and my pants from migrating south. What did work for me was looping an elastic hair band through the button hole of my pants and over the button and wearing a tunic-length top.
      Heck, I still do this on days when I’m feeling bloated.

    • Hive Mind :

      We found that our maternity pants often slid down if we weren’t wearing one, even into the late third trimester.

    • I wore mine (the Target brand) almost daily from about 13 weeks to about 19, and still use it now at 25 occassionally. I guess we’ll see about stretched out clothing, but I don’t think I have, at least not anything that I really like. I preferred to wait as long as possible before buying maternity clothing, so that I could buy as little as possible. I’m a 4 ish in pants, and went with the smallest size, in white. If I’d known earlier, I would have also bought a size up in black, since sometimes the white didn’t work as well as I wanted and it’s gotten a bit less comfortable since my tummy started to grow. I could never make the rubber band thing work right.

    • I used a motherhood maternity brand then a target brand. They didn’t work at all for me. They were too big and loose!

    • Sugar Magnolia :

      I used the Motherhood Maternity brand in black, and used it for quite a while on both pants and skirts. I haven’t noticed them being stretched out at all. I did find that it worked better for skirts and less tailored pants. Used it from about week 10 through 20. Can’t comment on pants stretching, since I haven’t tried to wear those pants again, since I am still pregnant!

    • Complete waste of money for me. Kept sliding down. But my friend loved it. So you might try borrowing one before you buy.

  2. Networking TJ:

    I’m looking to do a career transition into a related but different industry and sector, I.e. industry I currently work with and public to private sector.

    I was put in touch with a very senior person at a company I’m very interested in, think senior exec at a Fortune 500. He forwarded my resume to a recruiter before we talked and we, sr. exec and i, ended up chatting for almost 45 minutes by phone (way longer than I expected). Both sr. Exec and the recruiter thought i’d be a good fit for company, but we’d need to talk further about where. Sr Exec also indicated that while I didn’t have the exact bkgd desired for a current opening, he thought I might be a good fit anyway after talking and he wanted me to meet the hiring manager when I was next in town. He also thought he and I should try to meet.

    This was a few weeks ago. I followed up the phone call with a thank you email and let him know I would be in town later that week and the next. No response. Last week I connected with him on LinkedIn and included a note in my invite saying I was still interested in the company. He accepted, but nothing more. Given the very positive interaction, I’m inclined to think this is more due to his being busy than having changed his mind about me being a good fit…but I don’t want to pester him. I’ve also followed up with the recruiter by phone (vmail) and tried to guess his email (and sent a linkedin invite). I’m assuming I’m out of follow up options but I’m wondering if there’s anything else I should/could. It would be unfortunate to lose this connection since it seemed so positive, and I’m very interested in the company.

    • I think you’ve done a good job of following up. He may have lost interest, but it may also be bad timing. I work in a transactional practice in biglaw, and it seems like (1) work is really crazy, and (2) no one was available in August because of vacation, last week because of Labor Day, and this week because of the Jewish holidays. (I work at a disproportionately Jewish firm in NYC; depending on where you are and who the recruiter and exec are, YMMV.) I think you should try to check in again — maybe once a week or once every two weeks, directly or via recruiter. If he’s no longer interested, you’re not hurting your chances, and if you are, you’re making it easier for him to get back in touch. Good luck!

      • In the last sentence, I mean, “and if *he is*, you’re making it easier….” Sorry for that and any other confusing errors.

    • I would make at least one more phone call, perhaps when you are in town. I would actually try calling the recruiter first, and then the executive. What do you have to lose?

      Good luck.

    • I would definitely not try to contact him every week, that’s stalking not staying in touch. But I wouldn’t wait till I’m actually in town, I’d simply send a note say a week ahead of time, confirming that I’ll be in town from — to –, and that after our nice conversation on — I’d be interested in checking out the company more closely.
      Then the ball is in his court. Do nothing more. You have no idea what the reason for this silence is, you don’t want to make a pest of yourself..
      Of course that doesn’t mean you should not make a pest of yourself to the recruiter :-), that’s his job.

  3. I don’t know if Kat has mentioned this yet, but this month’s Real Simple (got mine in the mail yesterday) has a section on work appropriate attire, with Kat as one of the contributing commentators. No big surprises, but some interesting perspectives.

  4. Did you ladies see this essay?

    A Message to Women From a Man: You Are Not “Crazy”

    You’re so sensitive. You’re so emotional. You’re defensive. You’re overreacting. Calm down. Relax. Stop freaking out! You’re crazy! I was just joking, don’t you have a sense of humor? You’re so dramatic. Just get over it already!

    Sound familiar?

    If you’re a woman, it probably does.

    Do you ever hear any of these comments from your spouse, partner, boss, friends, colleagues, or relatives after you have expressed frustration, sadness, or anger about something they have done or said?

    When someone says these things to you, it’s not an example of inconsiderate behavior. When your spouse shows up half an hour late to dinner without calling — that’s inconsiderate behavior. A remark intended to shut you down like, “Calm down, you’re overreacting,” after you just addressed someone else’s bad behavior, is emotional manipulation, pure and simple. …

    • Aaargh, I didn’t close the italics. Trying now… I hope I haven’t ruined this entire thread.

    • Honey Pillows :

      Ugh, I HATE that. It seems that no matter what I say to these comments, “No, that was really hurtful,” “That was an inappropriate remark to make in mixed company,” “What are you, twelve?” I get further gaslighting.

      Thankfully, it doesn’t seem to happen in my professional life, only my personal.

    • MaggieLizer :

      I believe the official [this site] term for the phenomenon described above is “mansplaining.”

      • Also in Academia :

        Yeah, while I’m glad he recognizes the phenomenon of these types of responses, I’m not sure why he feels the need to explain it to me.

        • Cornellian :

          Calm down, no need to overreact, he was just trying to help!

        • Well, he wrote it partly to tell women, but also to tell men it is unacceptable, which he gets more into at the end of the article.

          Plus, he’s a writer who writes about women and equality issues, so it’s not out of character for him to write this piece from that perspective.

          As for me: this is one of my favorite articles OF ALL TIME, thanks for posting it Bluejay! i think i’ve posted it here, and I have sent it out to different friends and family, and I reread it myself all the time. The next step though is, I think, for women to come up with a list of responses to the “you’re being oversensitive” manipulation, cause even though I know what is happening, sometimes in I still don’t know what to do in the moment.

          • One of the most disturbing parts of the article for me was the flight attendant who, when he told her he writes mostly about women, replied “about how crazy we are?”

            I didn’t actually realize it was an old article, although now that I look at the date I see it was from 9/12/11, not 9/11/12. It was making the rounds on a social network site yesterday and I thought I’d share it.

          • I love that article, too, and I’m so glad someone else has posted it! I sent it to all my homies when I first read it. So basically, now, when guys tell me that I’m being crazy/oversensitive/whatever, I just answer something like “I am not being oversensitive. Why would you say my opposition to you joking about rape makes me oversensitive?”

            (The A+ version, of course, would be on our second date, when my former Gentleman Caller called me neurotic, and I was all FEMINIST SMACKDOWN: ENGAGE on him. Watching him frantically backpedal was hilarious.)

      • lawsuited :

        Is “mansplaining” in the vein of Sinead O’Connor’s “mantrolling”? How much did I (and my very feminist dad) lurve that lyric as a teenager!

    • I’ve only ever been able to tell people who do this: “No, you’re being an jerk and I’m calling you on it. Don’t turn it back on me.” That, or some variant of “you’re deflecting, just shut your pie-hole and fix the problem already.”

      Someone tell me a diplomatic way of handling these people.

      • emcsquared :

        Haha, I’m not sure it’s diplomatic, but my general reaction is to smile gently and knowingly, tip my head to the side, wait a looooong minute and say, “Ah, of course.” Very. very. quietly. and. precisely. So they have to lean in to hear it.

        They have no idea what it means, so they generally have to stop and think about it, which gives me time to change the subject or get the heck outta there.

        • emcsquared, I really like your approach. I think I will try that next time I get this response. :) Thank you for sharing!

    • FOOEY in tryeing to give us gals a GUILT trip, if that is what their DOING! I am SOOOO sick of men trying to make me say and do what they want, so they can have more POWER over me.

      Dont men know that we are suposed to be equal’s? I dont think so. FOOEY!

      The manageing partner has me so busy that I have NOT had any time to scroll thru Corperette to read all of the post’s like I used to, especialy since I now have a lot of do dileigence to figure out a head of time. Jim has be comeing and goieng with all of the antitrust stuff, and also my litieigation caseload has doubeled, but I do NOT have any more suport staff.

      Frank does NOT want to get involved in any of the QUANTETATEVE aspect’s of the new Antitrust do diligence, especialy after he messed up on the HSR form. He actualy showed up today for lunch with two SWEET POTATO KENEISHES for ME a long with a DOCTOR BROWN’s DIET CREME SODA!!!!!! Yay!!!!

      He says the way to my heart is thru my stomach, but I told him that is the way to my tush if he keep’s feeding me so much food! He also said there is NOT alot of good deli down south and I beleive him. FOOEY! But I will loose more lbs without all of these great KENEISHES!

      Anyway, I have to do more work now. FOOEY. At least the manageing partner and Frank went home so he wont be stareing at me any more tonite.

    • Stepmom re: driving and ACT preparing :

      My SD’s and SS’s mother does this to them. Sometimes SS (21) sees it; more rarely SD (16) sees it. More often than not, they will try to explain to their dad why they are wrong and mom is right. It is painful to watch the lengths to which they will go to explain her behavior to themselves.

  5. westcoastrette @ Honey Pillows :

    Hi Honey! Just wanted to check whether my e-mail to you went through. Thanks again :)

    • Honey Pillows :

      Yep, I’m just a little slow on getting things to the post office… :-/

      Definitely suggest we figure out a way to make a [this site] sharing group on BookMooch. Will look into that and post on the newest thread.

      • westcoastrette :

        Thanks, and take your time! Looking forward to sharing on BookMooch!

  6. aesthetic intelligence :

    I’m back for some more aesthetic intelligence :)
    Q: am attempting to split up a pin stripe suit. which option looks better?
    a) pin stripe jacket and solid pant/skirt
    b) solid jacket and pin stripe pant/ suit
    c) no girlfriend, leave it alone

    • Depends on the type of pinstripe and how well it matches the solid color, but I’d go with (c).

    • aesthetic intelligence :

      b) is pin stripe pant / skirt

    • Honey Pillows :

      Honestly, the trick is to split it up and treat it like a regular pair of pants/skirt and blazer. A black blazer with grey pinstripes wouldn’t pair well with black pants, for example, but would look fine with a red skirt (like The New Skirt in red rumba!), and pinstripe pants would be very circus-chic with that blazer Kat featured yesterday. ;-)

      No seriously, it would work, but you have to be Very Deliberate with pinstripe.

      Some suits just don’t split well, though, no matter what you do.

      • aesthetic intelligence :

        Circus Chic… how funny.

        I’m thinking to pull this off one has to be indeed purposeful, I don’t think I have the confidence.

        b) is pin stripe pant / skirt

    • What color is the suit and the stripe?

      I have a navy/charcoal pinstripe jacket that I’ve paired with a charcoal sheath and really liked the look. I have trouble imagining black/white pinstripe suit split up in any way, however.

    • a passion for fashion :

      (c) I have never been able to successfully split up a pin stripe suit

    • lawsuited :

      I say got for b).

  7. These are cute, but I have NEVER had a pair of slingbacks that didn’t drive me crazy with heel-slipping. After however-many pairs of that, I finally learned and have sworn off slingbacks. But so many people seem to like them, so maybe it’s just some weird quirk of my heels/ankles (which I know are narrow) or my gait? Does anyone else have this problem? Or had it and solved it? I’ve even become very careful with sandals, only getting ones with back strap support close to the ankle.

    • Honey Pillows :

      I think it’s just our feet. I also have this problem, which is incredibly frustrating because there are so many adorable slingbacks out there! I’ve tried tightening the straps on multiple pairs only to have the slings snap, even when they STILL slip off. Possibly other people have more sticky-outy heels?

    • I also have narrow heels, and I think this is unfortunately a style that doesn’t fit :(

    • a passion for fashion :

      i dont believe i have narrow anything on my feet, and i have always had this problem. only kind of shoes i cant wear

    • Hive Mind :

      No, it’s not just you. Most of us have the same problem.

      • I know I’m feeding the troll, but you’re cracking me up. You wouldn’t happen to be the poster that used to post “This” all over the place, would you? ‘Cause I loved her too.

    • Same here. Narrow heel – they are always slipping off, even when I put the strap on such a tight setting that it gives me a blister. I was surprised when some people the other day on the t-strap post said that they really liked them for narrow heels, since it seemed like I would have the same problem with those.

    • In the Pink :

      My problem is the clack-clack-slap-slap of the shoe as I walk. So I have purged them all from my closet long ago. If you know of a solution, can you share ?

    • I don’t think it’s a matter of heel width, but of curve. Some people have a very curved heel, some are straight. Mine works, so I think you need curved.

  8. goirishkj :

    Random threadjack.

    So my husband and I have been having a “discussion” about our favorite children’s books. One of my favorites was a series of books about Word Bird. He’s never heard of Word Bird. The books are now out of print according to Amazon, so maybe I’m the only child who loved Word Bird. As a last ditch effort to try to prove to myself that I’m NOT crazy, does anyone know what I’m talking about?

    And I know we’ve done it before, but favorite book threads are always fun if anyone wants to start one again :)

    • Blonde Lawyer :

      Never heard of it but my fave is Sheep in a Jeep.

      • Research, Not Law :

        My daughter gets so excited when she sees a red jeep.

        Never heard of Word Bird, although maybe I’d recognize it.

        My favorites when I was little were The Giving Tree and a Christmas mouse ABC. My favorite to read to my kids is Moo Baa Lalala and Goodnight Gorilla.

        • Have you seen Ten Minutes to Bedtime? Features an appearance by Goodnight Gorilla.
          Love Moo Baa and also The Going to Bed Book by Boynton.

    • Never heard of it.

      My favorite oddball children’s book is Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs. :)

    • Goodnight Moon, Runaway Bunny, and anything by Beatrix Potter.

      • Oh, and I think Word Bird was a series, not the actual title of the books. I believe they helped kids learn to read, right? Like the word bird helped you read the story?

        • goirishkj :

          Yes, they were a series! I don’t remember the titles, but the one I loved most was the circus one. He wears an outfit with dots!

    • 2/3 attorney :

      If You Give a Mouse a Cookie! I say that all the time and too often people look at me like…..then what? He’s gonna want some milk, is what.

      Also, Love You Forever by Robert Munsch. This book is too recent to have been in my childhood, but it is a children’s book that has crossed into an everyone book. If you have never read it, I think the whole thing is transcribed here (probably copyright violation, ahem), but I don’t recommend reading it at work unless you want mascara running down your face.

      • I think that book is awful. So sappy, and there’s something really gender-norming or something about it that I can’t quite put my finger on, but it makes me really uncomfortable.

        • Because the mom is a psycho and sneaks into her adult son’s house! Just kidding…I think the book is kind of sweet, but also kind of off.

        • co-signing with Bluejay yet again today. the worst was when we were at a WEDDING and it was read as part of the ceremony. I can’t even remember whether it was in the mommy obsession spirit (which would be quite a message for new MIL to send to the bride) or in an even weirder twist such that “baby” meant the new spouse, but NO.

          • Senior Attorney :

            I hate that book, too! True story: My (semi-psycho) mom LOVES that book and gave it to my adult brother and me one Christmas. Bro totally freaked out because he thought it was her way of telling us she was dying.

            Good times, man.

        • a passion for fashion :

          me too. someone gave it to us and i read it to my son and had to stop reading it was so bad.

      • Hive Mind :

        We’ve always felt that Love You Forever done as a horror movie trailer would make for an excellent SNL digital short.

      • I like If You Give a Mouse a Cookie, but honestly, If You Give a Moose a Muffin is better IMHO.

        DH loves Hank the Cowdog, which is an audio book-read-along series. He grew up in the south. ;)

      • Another anon :

        I also love(d) If You Give a Mouse a Cookie, and am also prone to referencing it inappropriately in social situations. Support group?

    • Honey Pillows :

      Oh, I LOVED the Wild Baby. Definitely getting that for my friend’s kid, because he is well on his way to Wild Baby status.

      Also The Giving Tree, Corduroy, the original Winnie the Poohs, the entire Little House on the Prairie series, the Tomie de Paola books (Strega Nona, The Legend of Bluebonnet, the Indian Paintbrush), Stone Soup, the Night Kitchen, oh I should probably stop and get back to work.

      My other favorites were Mary Regina’s Secret Room and Everybody Needs a Rock.


      • Also:

        • They have others.
          Though in fairness – I never heard of this book series before.

          My all time favorite kids’ book was Peter Pan. I wanted to marry him and would read it over and over again, esp. if I was sick or unhappy.

          • Honey Pillows :

            Oh gosh yes! I had the hugest crush on Peter Pan!

            Although I was crushing on the Disney one. I didn’t read the book until college, when I studied the evolution of fairy tales. Peter Pan’s earliest appearances were truly feral in The Little White Bird, living in the park under bushes and running around completely naked, or wearing just leaves. It wasn’t until the play that he became civilized at all, and featured as a main character.

          • I totally wanted to marry Peter Pan, too, and I knew I was in denial, because his interaction with Wendy shows he is CLEARLY not good husband material, but i didn’t care. ;o)

            Our family’s favorite is The Snowy Day by Ezra Jack Keats, and basically all of his books. And all the Eric Carle books.

          • My solution was always just to hate Wendy. I wouldn’t even eat at Wendy’s for the longest time because I thought the two were connected. I also hated the end of Hook as a kid because not only did they have Robin Williams play grown up Peter, but then they had the nerve to have Peter stay with his boring family instead of at Neverland, where he belongs. Clearly, I have issues.

          • Awwww!! I lurved Hook, precisely BECAUSE Peter came back and he and Jane lived happily ever after! Altho, I was still a little sad that he hadn’t stayed with Wendy in the first place :o(

          • Oh good god, zora, I am such a dork —- Peter’s wife in Hook was Moira; Jane was Wendy’s daughter, Peter runs away with her at the end of the book. Moira is Jane’s granddaughter. So Peter actually took up with Wendy, Wendy’s daughter, and Wendy’s daughter’s daughter. As an adult, I totally get that Peter has to come back, but as a kid that ending was the ultimate betrayal for me.

          • omigosh, you’re so right!!! ;o) I haven’t seen that movie in a bajillion years, totally forgot… but somehow that felt like a happy ending to me, bc i always wanted him to stay with Wendy….. BUT at the same time I wanted to BE Peter Pan, bc we went to see the musical when i was a little girl and I totally thought it was awesome that Sandy Duncan (or whoever was in the role at the time) got to play Peter Pan, so I totally wanted to do that, and get to fly and act like a boy. …. yes, i have unreasonable attachments to fictional characters, WHAT?! ;o)

    • I loved a number of the Bill Peet books: How Drufus the Dragon Lost His Head, Huge Harold and the Wump World. I also loved Are You My Mother? by P.D. Eastman, The Funny Thing by Wanda Gag, all Shel Silverstein’s books of poetry, Tiki Tiki Tembo by Arlene Mosel, Courduroy…. I could go on and on. I really need to make a list every time I think of one and start buying them so I have a collection by the time we have kids.

    • The first book I memorized was Ballerina Bess.

      I guess that would count as an early favourite.

      Of course, after that I moved on to the Little House series. I don’t really remember much in between those two stages.

    • Velveteen Rabbit is my favorite. My kids love the Give a Mouse a Cookie series.

      • Velveteen Rabbit always made me cry. I kept thinking about the poor animals left all alone. For someone with an active imagination who still to this day suspects my teddy bear might have feelings, this was too much.

      • Velveteen Rabbit is my favorite also!


      Buy a few from Ebay and give them to him as a gift? :-) They look really fun and cute.

    • MissJackson :

      Mike Mulligan and the Steam Shovel
      Moose, Goose, and Little Nobody (this was a fav of mine, but no one else seems to remember it)
      Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

    • My son really loved Captain Underpants.

    • Divaliscious11 :

      My favorite book was Sam, by Anne Herbert Scott.
      I was so happy when I bought it for my son.
      Alas, his favorite books was Please, Baby, Please by Spike Lee and “No, David!” by David Shannon

    • Favorite current author of kids books – Mo Willems. Elephant & Piggie, Don’t Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus, Knuffle Bunny – all great books. We also love Eric Carle and Robert Munsch at our house. And Dr Seuss, of course. The Monster at the End of This Book is also a great classic. I like it better than Another Monster at the End of This Book.

      As a child I loved Enid Blyton – especially the Far Away Tree series. I so wanted to visit that tree!

    • In the Pink :

      Green Eggs and Ham. I’ve always been stubborn and certainly a picky eater!

    • Blonde Lawyer :

      Don’t forget, “Everybody Poops”

    • Go the F**k to Sleep

      The audio book version

      Read by Samuel L. Jackson

    • I was a voracious reader as a child. Like every book in the library voracious. But I’ve never heard of Word Bird.

      Did anyone read the Happy Hollisters. My grandparents had a full set in their basement and I loved everyone.

  9. re: Breadwinner wives article :

    I posted my response to this at the end of the morning thread, and just wanted to repost it here for the OP, since we are having similar experiences:

    I am in nearly the same position that you are in, except I can honestly say that we are *barely* making it on my income alone, so the stress is pretty high for me. H is working hard to get his business going and I am trying my best to be supportive, but my ability to be a good cheerleader is waning with the winter getting closer (his business has a major seasonal aspect) and with every day that I feel like I put in my full time at the office, go to the grocery store, get home, and try to chug a glass of wine while making dinner for the two of us. Then, I clean it up, start laundry, take care of the pups, and realize that I haven’t even had time to change out of my work clothes. I 100% feel you on the uneven duties. H and I had a huge argument about it about a month ago. It was awful. The problem seems to be that he doesn’t mind living in a general state of piggishness and genuinely does not SEE that the house needs to be cleaned before, say, HIS parents come to visit us. Granted, his parents’ house isn’t a shining example of cleanliness, so that might be part of the problem. I am still unsure of how to tackle this problem without being a nag or bottling it up until I go ballistic. At first, when he started his own business, he was really good about offering to help me out. He would go to the grocery store and he would even cook. That lasted about a month. Now, I feel like he has the time (just sort of randomly during the day) to be helping out, but he just doesn’t. I don’t have any advice. I’m just going through the same thing :( We talked about starting TTC next month, but I am going to hold off until things equal out a bit. I cannot imagine adding child-rearing duties to the list that I already have.

    Read more:

    • Oh please, both you and OP, if dogs are already a problem, do NOT even consider children! Not unless you promise to get a divorce (and give him the dogs) before the first is born.

  10. Hi all,

    I know we’ve talked about Accutane here before, but it’s been a while (I think), and I was wondering if anyone who didn’t share before would be willing to share her story. I am so very much on the fence about this treatment… I would love more input on (a) how you decided whether or not to do it, (b) if you experienced side effects (permanent or temporary?), and (c) what your result was.

    Thank you!

    • I took Accutane several times in my teens and had wonderful results. I did experience some temporary side effects while on it such as dry eyes and mouth, but nothing serious or unbearable. I am now 31 and can’t say that I have noticed any permanent side effects. My skin is clear now, although I’m not sure if that’s a lasting result of Accutane or age/maturity or a little of both.

    • springtime :

      I went on it when I was 20. Best decision I made. I will post my story later tonight (busy at work!).

    • A friend in high school was on Accutane and committed suicide. I think depression is one of the side effects, so if you are prone to depression or have experienced it before, please make sure you have regular psychiatric care during your time on the drug.

      • Definitely a known side effect. Also, a big kick in the bone density. So think about that if you have small bones, or a familial tendency to having them fragile.

    • My acne got better, definitely, and cleared up completely while I was taking it and for the year after, but it’s come back, if not as strong as it was before the meds.

      For side effects, I was so incredibly dehydrated. My lips cracked and bled at the corners constantly despite vaseline, and my lady garden was permanently dry. This was, unfortunately, at the very beginning of having anyone else till my garden, and we were too inexperienced to realize you could actually fix that, so my experience with Accutane was pretty unpleasant.

      Also, I’m not sure if this is universal, but my doctor required monthly blood drawings to check on my kidneys or liver or something. That was incredibly inconvenient.

    • One of my college roommates took it and experienced dramatic results. She had me take a photo of her each month to track her progress, so she had a nice visual record at the end of her treatment.

      I do recall that she did have some pretty serious dryness (“my face is falling off” I believe is how she referred to it). I think it got better over time and with more serious moisturizer.

    • I went on it when I was in my teens, and it was great for eliminating acne. My skin has not stayed as clear in the long-term as when I was on the medication, but it is much better than it was before. In terms of side effects, I had to have a monthly blood test to determine liver damage and if I was pregnant. I know some girls who were on the medication in college, and they couldn’t drink because of the effects on the liver. I also had painfully dry lips and the inside of my nose would crack and bleed. The only thing that worked for me was Aquaphor – I had mini tubes of it stashed everywhere. I had to slather it on my lips constantly, and dab it on the inside of my nose.

    • I took it when I was an adolescent (this was pre monthly monitoring/blood tests, my family doctor was a charming man but handed out prescription drugs like candy — basically, “tut! tut! don’t waste your time with dermatologists, take some of this!”) and had dry lips and flaky skin, no emotional side effects, and it helped…for a time. In retrospect I don’t think I was on it long enough for it to last.

      I did it again about a year ago (I’m in my early 30s), after it became clear that nothing else was going to make my skin better and I was tired of perpetual blackheads and cystic acne along my jawline. Hard to feel professional when you have the skin of a 14 year old (but with the beginnings of wrinkles! lovely!)

      Again, it made my lips and eyes dry like WHOA. If I was without lip balm (and we’re talking the serious petroleum jelly only stuff, keep away from me with your wussy beeswax) for more than 10 minutes, it was terrible. And I had to stop wearing contacts. And go for monthly blood/pregnancy tests. But I didn’t have any of the other sorts of side effects you hear about, and my skin didn’t get peely or red the way it did with topical retinoids. I’m waiting, anxiously, to see how long it sticks, but I’ve been off of it for awhile (and my lips/eyes are totally back to normal), and my skin is just SO SO much better. Maybe I’m being vain and silly, but it was totally worth the 5 months of mild discomfort to be facing the possibility that I won’t be fussing with my face every day in the mirror….

    • My sister went on Accutane when she was in high school (late 90s) and had all of the expected side effects – ridiculously dry skin, chapped lips, etc. Skin mostly cleared up. But within 1 year of stopped Accutane, her pancreas shut down and she’s now an insulin-dependent type-1 diabetic. Her endocrinologist believes it was because of the Accutane. I know they’ve changed the product in the last 15 years, but it was definitely life-changing.

    • I tried about 9 different acne treatments and none of them worked.
      I had very mild but persistent acne on my face, and more serious acne on my back and upper arms.
      I took accutane few months ago for a 6 months course and just finished a couples months ago.
      For some time I had extremely dry lips and no amount of lip balm would help: forget about drugstore lip balms, you’ll need the pharmaceutical type.
      Towards the end of the treatment I had no more dry lips, but then my eyes got dry! and I needed to keep eye drops nearby at all times.
      You might experience some bouts of acne (more than you’ve ever had) so be psychologically prepared for the breakout and chapped lips.

    • I did about 2 courses in high school, mostly because my mom told me to and the other treatments (benzoyl peroxide, differin, etc didn’t work. I didn’t give it much thought. :)

      The side effects I had were dry skin, cracked lips, eczema all over my hands/wrists (probably from the dry skin). I was depressed but I was also depressed before starting, not sure if that had any effect. You need blood tests every month and need to use 2 forms of birth control because it causes horrible birth defects.

      It did clear up my skin – not 100%, but I stopped getting horrible cystic acne. I think I was maybe 16 when I completed it and I did get acne again in college, so it wasn’t permanent. I did a low-GI diet and went on birth control around that time and one of those things (not sure which) cured it.

      Accutane is a decent solution if you have severe cystic acne and you’ve tried everything else.

    • I almost took Accutane when I was in high school. I have had moderate acne on my face since puberty (thought it would go away as I grew up but I’m 25 and it persists…!) and fairly bad acne on my back.

      I had to get a blood test to confirm it was okay for me to take it. I also had to sign a lot of forms saying I would under no circumstances get pregnant, etc. etc. This freaked me out about the strength of a drug that I was going to take primarily for cosmetic reasons (especially since the acne on my face is not that bad), so I changed my mind and did not fill the perscription.

      No regrets now. Maybe I would not have had acne for the last 10 years if I had taken it, but who knows. I know a lot of people who took it, had good results, but had those results disappear once they went off it. I’m not saying that you should or shouldn’t do it, but for my $0.02, it is a fairly strong drug so you should weigh that along with how severe your acne is and how much it concerns you / impacts your self image. Good luck!

      • Also I should add, I am fairly reluctant to take all non-medically necessary medications and have become moreso overtime… for example, though I am in a long-term committed relationship, I don’t want to take hormonal birth control for fear of suffering some negative unforseen side effects (especially in the long-term).

    • Anne Shirley :

      I took it when I was 20 and loved it. Hated the hassle of monthly doctor visits and pregnancy tests, but it drastically changed my skin. 9 years later, I occasionally get a zit or two on my jawline, but they go away quickly and respond to OTC treatment. While taking it, I had very dry lips and nose (addicted to Acquaphor) and I think I would have had trouble with contacts.

      • It is a pretty harsh medicine, with the potential of very serious side effects. But as you can see, some people get good results.

        I avoided it because I had also heard of some bad stories and new I didn’t want to take it long term. I started instead with a good dermatologist who specialized in women and acne. She started the best topicals (retin-A variant + a type of topical antibiotic/wash) and started spirinolactone, increasing the dose each month or two until I got the best response. It was much less dangerous and led to an excellent improvement.

        If any of you have cystic acne, or “male pattern” acne (especially chin/jawline/chest/back etc..) then it is probably related to a higher testosterone level and the best medicine for this is spironolactone. Low side effects. The main one is you have to make sure you drink enough water every day.

        • Yeah, actually I’m on spironolactone and it’s not really cutting it, hence the recommendation for Accutane

    • Thank you all so much for weighing in! I’ll keep checking, but wanted to let you know I really appreciate your input.

    • I took Accutane at 15 (I’m 30 now), and it worked great. I do remember having dry skin and eyes while I was on it, but other than that, do not remember any side effects. My acne is pretty much under control now as long as I am on the Pill.

    • I’m a little late but wanted to chime in in case you check back. I took it about five years ago for five months or so. I had moderate acne, nothing major, but they were always big and deep. I had fair skin so the scarring was my main issue. It was the BEST thing I could have done for myself. It really helped my confidence a lot. I was dry-everywhere- but it was worth it. I used lots of aquaphor (and lube) to try and help things but honestly my lips, skin, etc. were painfully dry during and shortly after treatment. It took probably a year or two for my lady garden to even come close to getting back to normal. My now husband hated the accutane.
      I occasionally get really small bumps now that clear in a few days (almost always around that time of the month), but otherwise have great skin. The only lasting side effect is that I still can’t get waxed. I had my armpits and bikini line waxed last year and it was awful and my skin was pretty much on fire for weeks. I will not be trying that again!

  11. In light of the earlier post about jewelry, I have a question. I keloid whenever a cut goes too deep. As a result, I will never be able to have my ears pierced again, but I want to wear earrings. I’ve looked at some clip-ons, but all the ones I find are too clunky or dated.

    Does anyone have any suggestions?

    • A jewelry store near me has one line where the artist will convert anything to clip. She has done it for me on the spot (for a gift). Here is some of her line:
      They have a lot more in the store. But that might be worth a try!

    • A good jewellerer should be able to convert a lot of regular earrings into clip-ons/magnetics. Bring your old earrings and ask if it’s possible, or ask if a regular pair you like can be converted.

    • I buy (from a bead store or online) little clips that I use to convert pierced earrings. I like the screwbacks best, as they are adjustable. You just use small pliers to open out the little loop at the bottom of the clip, detach the earring from the original pierced finding and attach it to this loop and then close the loop back up again. I’ll put a link to a sample, from Amazon, in a follow-up reply.

      These only work with earrings that have at least a small “dangle” — and not, say, hoops or “huggies” — because you need something to hook onto the clips. Once I discovered these, I went wild and bought tons of earrings that I never could wear before, since all the cute ones were pierced. One caveat: these clips are kind of cheap — my local bead shop woman complains about the quality, too — so buy extras. I’ve only had one break where I actually lost the earring, but you wouldn’t want to put super-expensive earrings on one of these, just in case.


    • Awesome! Thanks ladies. I’ll definitely look into these options this weekend.

  12. You guys: I am annoyed, and I’m not sure what to do.

    Yesterday evening, our upstairs neighbors managed to overflow their washing machine, and the resulting water dripped through our bedroom ceiling. Our bed (including pillows) was wet through to the mattress, and the huge pile of spare blankets that we keep in a cupboard above our closet were totally soaked. To add insult to injury, our washing machine is currently out of whack; the repairman came today and won’t be able to fix it until the new parts arrive tomorrow.

    Our landlord is really responsive and came over right away when I called him this morning, but I can’t tell whether this was a one-time glitch because of user error or if there’s some structural flaw in the washing machine that makes it prone to overflowing. (I worry because he kept saying that he had told the upstairs neighbors that they had to stay home while doing laundry–that makes me think there’s something funny with the machine, but maybe I’m paranoid.) Obviously, I am worried about the prospect of this happening again–it was purely luck that kept the mattress from being soaked through and totally ruined, and it was purely luck that there was enough bedding in the cupboard above the closet to keep the water from pouring through and soaking all our clothes and shoes.

    Nothing is really damaged, though I suspect our mattress will wind up with a stain–I just have a lot of laundry ahead of me and have to wait around with these sodden piles until tomorrow. Should I just get over my annoyance because sometimes things happen? Should I ask the landlord for confirmation that this won’t happen again? Should I guilt-trip my neighbors? If something were damaged or if I were about to incur a huge dry-cleaning bill, I would feel reasonable presenting that to my landlord and my neighbors for recompense, but all I’m really out in this situation is time and frustration. Please advise!

    • I don’t think this is on your neighbors (assuming they weren’t being completely stupid with the washer). But I do think that your landlord should be responsible if it happens again. And I think you’re within your rights to ask for confirmation that their washer is okay, given what he said about telling them to stay home when they’re doing the wash.

      • *written confirmation.

        That way, if it does happen again you can possibly break your lease/recoup damages. Not a lawyer, but landlords have a funny way of screwing you when it comes to repeat incidents.

        • I agree. In my previous residence, my landlord insisted that the first time the washer leaked it was “due to overloading” and refused to call a repairman. A week later, when doing more laundry, I had an even bigger leak. The repairman found the original backup drain had more or less been tiled over, so if the washer was set to the largest load, the volume of draining water overwhelmed the drain. Unfortunately, it took hitting this saturation point twice to get the problem fixed (and two instances of flooded carpets…. I’m still a bit bitter).

    • 2/3 attorney :

      This is ridiculous. You should ask (demand) that the landlord to replace the faulty washing machine, and to pay to have all of your bedding professionally laundered.

    • Merabella :

      Do you have Renter’s Insurance? Maybe it will cover something like this – especially if your mattress is ruined/other things are damaged if this happens again. It is a pain, but that is what Renter’s Insurance is there for.

      • Yes, we do have renter’s insurance–I’m not sure how it would apply in this case, though, because nothing is ruined and I don’t really incur any costs (except, I guess, extra electricity from the extra laundry?) in cleaning up. I would definitely call upon renter’s insurance if something needed to be replaced or if professional cleaning were required.

    • Your landlord also will need to make sure your ceiling dries out properly and do mold remediation if necessary. Do not let him blow this off – mold can cause serious structural damage and cause some serious health problems too.

      Signed, someone whose ceiling collapsed into her apartment due to a burst pipe a few years back.

      • This. Seriously mold remediation/drying can cost $1-$2K, so I could see that a landlord might try to weasel out of it. Don’t let him.

      • THIS! If you don’t already have one of those big dryers in your apartment (and your neighbors have one in their apartment), you need to get one NOW.

      • If there was flooding that went on through your ceiling that’s structural damage. The insurance company or their contractors (his/theirs/someone’s) needs to one out, rip out the carpet, look at the floor, and bring in industrial sized dryers / fans to both units for a couple of days then come and check that everything is dry. Sorry you’re dealing with this. Good luck!

      • Co-sign this. Mold in ceilings is hard to detect, but can make you very sick. If drywall or plaster or insulation got wet in any way, you should INSIST that a professional come out and assess the situation immediately. Mold can get out of control in 24-48 hours. It’s really, really important to fully dry out the walls and air (especially if you live somewhere humid) or you could have an enormous health risk.

        And co-sign the “get it in writing” advice above re the landlord saying this is a one-off and that he will deal with your laundry. What (rap!

        • Yes, we’ve got those big dryer fans going at it in both directions, so I think we’ll be okay there.

          Thanks, guys. I wrote to my landlord and asked for clarification about the situation; they believe it genuinely was a one-off (somehow the outflow pipe had been blocked, probably the result of things getting shoved around when the neighbors moved in last week) and confirmed that if anything similar happens again, they and the neighbors will take care of the expenses.


    • Your landlord should be preparing to tear down your ceiling to dry out the space between the floor of the upper apartment and your ceiling. If they don’t open up and dry out the ceiling immediately then you will have mold growth in the void space between the ceiling and floor.

      If your landlord isn’t actively doing something right now, they’re not doing the right thing.

  13. I heart dating :

    Supposed to have a first date with someone I met online tonight. No discussion of when/where yet (around 6pm was what was discussed). I feel like the guy is supposed to text to confirm time and location.

    Should I just write this off? I really don’t think I should be the one to confirm/figure this out. (never mind this was rescheduled already bc of his poor planning)

    • You have nothing to lose…. I’d reach out via text once about the plan for tonight, and if you hear nothing, move on.

      • SF Bay Associate :

        Yep, try once. Don’t make an assumption just yet – maybe he got swamped with work or texted the wrong phone number thinking it was yours or who knows. Or he’s a dbag. One way to find out is to make one attempt.

        • I heart dating :

          I messaged- he didn’t seem to understand why I would be concerned about it not happening (oh…only because this has happened 20 times before! but I kept that to myself). Also didn’t have a place in mind where to meet. After I took a few minutes to reply, he suggested a couple of places so now we’re all set.

          Off to a good start….not. Here’s hoping!!

    • I would reach out to him if you want to go on the date. I don’t see why he should be the one to figure it out. If you’ve already written him off as being flakey, don’t bother.

  14. Thanks for everyone’s great tips about long term travel earlier today. Does anyone know of any good blogs related to this topic? I tried googling, but I get a lot of junk.

  15. How do you deal with the death of a co-worker? An older man (60+) in my department died while I was away on holiday.

    It was fairly sudden – undetected lung cancer until he went to the hospital with pneumonia with water in lungs- symptoms two months before he died. (And 3 weeks were spent treating the presumed pneumonia with 3 different kind of antibiotics). The majority of this time was holiday time for the department, so people have been coming and going anyway, and apart from the following messages from him in the hospital it was kind of like he was just away on vacation.

    He passed away two days after I left for my vacation and the funeral was earlier on the day I was returning home. So, apart from receiving emails on the matter I haven’t really been facing the reality of him not being there. He was the epitome of the larger-than-life, happy when succeeding, grumbling loudly when he disagreed with the corporate management. (The joke in the department is that you could frequently hear them argue, and then my boss go patiently: “Yes, but you have to see it like this.”) and always thrilled with his puns and small tricks.

    But when I returned from my vacation yesterday, his desk was clean except for a memorial picture and book to write last respects set up. I’m not sure how to react to it all. The others who were all at work seem to have got their major bits grief out at the funeral and the preceding week. If I’d been at the funeral, I would have got my crying out there. As it is, it just feels like it is not quite real.

    • Cornellian :

      That’s rough, I’m sorry. Assuming you were on holiday for a few weeks at most, I doubt your coworkers have really gotten through processing his death, especially if peopl ewere coming in and out on vacation, although they maybe feel like it’s been “acknowledged” in the workplace and it’s thus improper to discuss it there. I would probably reach out to see if any friends in the office want to grab coffee and discuss him/his life away from work. Maybe talking to someone who knew his larger-than-life personality would be helpful

      I also wonder if there’s some way to come more to terms with the situation on your time and in your own way, separate from your workplace, as you would with any other death. Maybe by working with or contributing to some cause he cared about, or with religious guidance, or therapy, or long walks, or whatever generally helps you.

    • I dealt with a close coworker dying about six months into my current position, also while I was on vacation. It was pretty terrible. Very sudden, even though she had her share of health issues, and there were times where I would just go into the bathroom and cry. Part of it was that it was so unexpected and part of it was that she was my intermediate supervisor and the person I would go to if I needed help or needed to bounce around some ideas, etc. I think the first few months, everytime I didn’t know how to best go about doing something or felt that someone else was going about it the wrong way, I would want to just cry from the frustration. I was also tasked with helping clean out her office and taking care of all her loose ends/responsibilities so that made it somewhat more overwhelming (though, in retrospect, it was probably good because it gave me some very concrete things to do to be useful).

      Like you, I missed the funeral. We did, however, end up organizing a memorial for her and it was very nice, I spoke, everyone else spoke, it was a good tribute. Is it possible for you to organize some kind of tribute at work, either now or maybe at a future time? Or, perhaps you can volunteer to help out with some of the inevitable stuff that needs to be done now that this person is gone?

      If not, and you want some closure, I would write a condolence note to the family and visit the cemetary to pay your respects.

      • I am sorry to hear about your loss.

        I would strongly recommend reaching out to the family, even if you don’t know them. Writing them a card, and including a few of your favorite memories of him…. even similar to what you wrote here, with some examples of his puns/tricks/stories …. would be wonderful. It sounds like he was a character that made people smile to think of him, and to write some of these things down will make you feel good, and I cannot even describe how wonderful it will make his family feel to read them.

        My mother suddenly passed last year at a younger age, after having worked at in Big Law for more then 30 years. She wasn’t a lawyer, but was in a high management position. I can tell you that the few people that took the time to send a personal note and give my mother thanks for what she did for them, or even better – to recount a memory…. touched us deeply. I saved every card.

        If there was someone else at work who you are close to, or who was close to him… go out to lunch or for a drink with them some day, and just talk about him. People will not want to “mourn in a group” much after the funeral.

    • One of my coworkers died at my last job, of a heart attack just before coming back from his vacation. 49. The reaction from management was to gather us up and tell us forcefully how it was not suicide. Of course, not a word about heart disease and harrassment, since the same management had been submitting him to years of horrible treatment :-(.
      I still think of him often, and fondly.. Basically, I have no easy solution for grief, it takes time, don’t stress yourself out thinking you should be recovering fast.

  16. re: Breadwinner wives article :

    I am in nearly the same position that you are in, except I can honestly say that we are *barely* making it on my income alone, so the stress is pretty high for me. H is working hard to get his business going and I am trying my best to be supportive, but my ability to be a good cheerleader is waning with the winter getting closer (his business has a major seasonal aspect) and with every day that I feel like I put in my full time at the office, go to the grocery store, get home, and try to chug a glass of wine while making dinner for the two of us. Then, I clean it up, start laundry, take care of the pups, and realize that I haven’t even had time to change out of my work clothes. I 100% feel you on the uneven duties. H and I had a huge argument about it about a month ago. It was awful. The problem seems to be that he doesn’t mind living in a general state of piggishness and genuinely does not SEE that the house needs to be cleaned before, say, HIS parents come to visit us. Granted, his parents’ house isn’t a shining example of cleanliness, so that might be part of the problem. I am still unsure of how to tackle this problem without being a nag or bottling it up until I go ballistic. At first, when he started his own business, he was really good about offering to help me out. He would go to the grocery store and he would even cook. That lasted about a month. Now, I feel like he has the time (just sort of randomly during the day) to be helping out, but he just doesn’t. I don’t have any advice. I’m just going through the same thing :( We talked about starting TTC next month, but I am going to hold off until things equal out a bit. I cannot imagine adding child-rearing duties to the list that I already have.

    • re: Breadwinner wives article :

      Sorry, that meant to say: I am reposting this because I wanted to be sure to let the OP know that she isn’t the only one feeling like she does.

      • Anonforthis :

        Thanks so much for your post. It really does sound like we’re going through some of the same things. I often think I’ve accepted the fact that because he doesn’t care about having a clean house, it’s going to fall on me to handle, but then he’ll complain about how, for example, he’s doing an extra dose of dog duty (e.g., vet visit) because he has the more flexible schedule (which also allows him to nap/play video games some afternoons) and I feel like I’m ready to hit the roof, especially if I just finished planning, shopping for, cooking, and cleaning up after dinner. Anyway, I’ve vented here enough today. If you hit on any great solutions, let me know! And thanks to everyone else who posted.

        • My post in the earlier thread was to have the “Come to Jesus/Buddha/etc.” convo. A big serious Talk. He needs to know that this sort of nitpicky haggling over little things is petty of him, and unbefitting someone who wants to call himself a life partner. An extra dose of dog duty and he’s whining like a 3-yr old? This is the sort of nonsense that leads to built-up resentments, and I think he needs a reality check.

          He should also remember that if he thinks it’s so crappy to do just one more little chore, it’ll be 10x crappier, if you dump his @ss and he has to do them all himself and be alone. Seriously, these guys are taking advantage because you let them. Don’t let them.

        • You’ve vented a lot, but you have a lot of things to be frustrated about. You cook and clean up from dinner? I have never had a living situation–roommates or romantic partner–where there wasn’t an implicit understanding that if one person made the other dinner, the other would take the lead on clean up. Do you enjoy spending time together? Does he not understand that time you spend grocery shopping, for example, is time you could spend together if he took over some of your chores? I just really feel for you and wish things were better.

          I think that a serious talk is in order. Lay out the framework that you respect his time and the work he does during the day, but the realities of your schedules would give you so much more quality time at home (you as an individual and you as a couple) if he could take on more of the chores.

        • What if you ask him to cook dinner or do the grocery shopping? Does he refuse to do it? I guess you could stop cooking for him or grab something for yourself on the way home from work instead, but that seems petty.

        • lawsuited :

          Afternoon nap? Video games?? Sounds like elementary school.

    • Can you stop reposting this please?

      There really is no need to repost things 4 or 5 times. WE HEARD YOU.

      • Agreed. I think this has been posted twice under this specific post just yesterday. Enough.

  17. the big wax :

    Sooooo, ladies…I believe I will be throwing my first lady garden party since the big divorce. Only one gentleman caller has traipsed through my garden for well over a decade, and I find myself in some anxiety. I’ve never done any professional grooming – just at home pruning. I have a wax scheduled for about two days before the event. Does this sound about right, timing-wise. Also, I’d like to go almost all the way with the clean look. Is this nuts for a first timer? (I have had children, so I’m not afraid of the pain/embarrassment factors.

    • YAY for lady garden parties!! Timing ought to be perfect. Re: going almost all the way clean – I would leave a decent size landing strip or triangle and do away with the rest. IMO, the most painful part is where the landing strip/triangle should be and though I had had it all taken off two or three times, I won’t do it again. Not worth the pain and I, personally, don’t like the way it looks all that much. I would advise to go ahead and get *everything* else done, though, not just in the front, but the in between, the back, etc.

      • phillygirlruns :

        agree with this, particularly the top being the most painful. also, pick up some caldescene powder – it’s basically a mildly medicated baby powder, and you can find it in the baby aisle of most drugstores. when i used to get waxed in my pre-laser days, the crazy russian lady i went to swore by that stuff. i still use it constantly and haven’t found anything better to minimize or prevent bumps.

    • just Karen :

      it really depends on your skin – for my first wax, I think things were pretty rough (red and irritated) for the first three or four days. I’d try doing it just a little bit earlier than two days ahead, and I agree with eaopm3 about leaving a decent landing strip this first time.

    • Question for you– do you want this look because you have always liked it?

      Or, because you think some gentleman callers want that and you have to meet their demands? If this is the reason, go read Caitlin Moran’s _How to Be a Woman_. Only do the bare look if that’s really what you want. Anybody who complains about the way the hedges are trimmed or not in the lady garden should be booted out immediately and never invited back.

      • Merabella :

        This. I think that if this is what you want to do because you really like your hedges trimmed that way, then go for it, but it is also perfectly fine to have a lower maintenance gardening plan.

    • Research, Not Law :

      If it’s your first wax in a decade, I’d schedule it earlier. Some skin does fine, other skin isn’t so happy and can be red and pimpled. Not a good first impression. I would actually plan on having the first one a month in advance so that the second wax is the one being shown. If you’re on a tighter time frame, I’d just trim.

      I personally prefer completely clean. I did it to give a special man (who was happy with natural) a special surprise – and then kept it up just for me (he didn’t mind either). But I do agree with other posters that I may not start there. Might be setting the bar high or false advertising. I’d do whatever feels comfortable for you.

    • In my experience, if you haven’t done it in awhile, you might bleed a little if you have *everything* waxed. Landing strips prevent a lot of pain and irritation. If you keep it up though, it’s really not too bad. I got pretty bad bumps that took a few days to settle down.

    • Frou Frou :

      Oh, I think yous should just do a modified brazillian until you know how you handle waxing. I get a lot of red bumps and ingrown hairs the more that I have taken off in the front yard, but I like to keep the lady garden clean underneath and through the back door. If you know what I’m saying.

      Enjoy your partay! If it were, I’d go big time and get a body scrub, too. :)

    • lawsuited :

      I’d do it much earlier, because the first wax is likely to be bumpy and red. Also, don’t be shy about scrubbing the area a lot in the days following the wax so you don’t get too many ingrown hairs.

      I second the idea that trimming is perfectly sufficient preparation for a lady garden party if that’s what you’re more comfortable with!

    • the big wax :

      Thanks for all the input, Ladies! This is definitely for me and not him. Something I’ve always wanted to try, and I think (hope!) it will help me feel more confident and sexy. I do have in mind some triangle on top – good tip.

      Rethinking the timing issue because I certainly don’t want to be sore or bumpy for the big night…I can either (a) move it from two days ahead to three days ahead, or (b) try to get in this week (6 to 8 days ahead). If I go for this week, will I see a lot of regrowth by next weekend?

      And, yes, definitely YAY for lady garden parties. I soooooo need this.

      • I wouldnt do 8 days, thats when i get the most bumps/irritation. Week 1 is fine for me, and week 2 is awful

      • Do it 3 days ahead rather than 8 days ahead. After 8 days you will see regrowth including any ingrown hairs that the scrubbing didn’t take care of.

  18. Yea, Kat, for posting a shoe with a low heel! I can’t wear heels much higher than this and I hated the whole “low-heeled-shoes-are-mostly-gross” discussion a few weeks ago. I have tons of slingbacks like this (wearing a very similar style in Dorothy-in-Oz red right now) and am unreasonably pleased to have these show up here.

    Now if only I could find a pair like this in non-leather purple . . .

    (TCFKAG: I’ve checked Amazon, Zappos, Shoebuy, etc. etc., don’t waste your time – the only ones out there are sky-high or otherwise NSFW.)

    • Seconded. So glad to see a pair of shoes that weren’t skyhigh and/or clunky in the GothTeenWitch kind of way.

  19. Jane Fairfax :

    I’m looking to leave my current position (associate in a midsize law firm) for either another firm or an in house position and have been thinking about scheduling a session with a career coach. Has anyone used one? Were they helpful? Can ayone give a ballpark estimate on cost?

    • Eh, often these “career coaches” are people who weren’t successful at landing an office job of their own but had looked for so long they feel qualified to give other people advice. Ask-a-Manager and others have said that the vast majority of them are quacks, and my experience is similar. You might be able to find a good one, but it will take some SERIOUS looking.

      I’d recommend talking to a recruiter (or several) for free.

      • Totally agree. A few lunches with colleagues/mentor types, whether found through work situations or professional associations, would most likely go a lot further in helping you.

  20. Professor TBA :

    So I talked to a reporter from my favorite national newspaper for nearly an hour about a high profile case in my area of expertise….and he didn’t even quote me. Sad. But in the video version of his story, he got the law right – law that I told him. So I’m fulfilling my service to the broader legal community anonymously?

  21. The orange lace dress in my lobby:


    • So glad you posted this, because I knew someone wanted an orange lace dress but didn’t know who.

      Nonny- I saw an orange lace dress at Target the other day. Do you live somewhere with Target? I can’t recall. I can’t find it online right now, but it was in the juniors section and was really cute.