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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 168 Comments · by

Coffee Break – Elisa Handbag

Coffee Break

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Brahmin 'Elisa' HandbagI've always liked Brahmin handbags for quality, but this season they've got some amazing colors out — namely “Wisteria” (the plum pictured here in an Elisa handbag) and “Peacock,” a teal. The colors are dark — almost brooding! — but they pop all the same. The web does not do these beauties justice, especially with the crocodile texture. The Elisa handbag is $365 at Nordstrom (also available in black, navy, dark brown, and orange). Brahmin Elisa Handbag (L-4)

Sales of note for 8.30.24

  • Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
  • Ann Taylor – 30% off full-price purchase; $99 jackets, dresses & shoes; extra 50% off sale
  • Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Bergdorf Goodman – Final Days Designer Sale, up to 75% off; extra 20% off sale
  • Boden – 20% off
  • Brooks Brothers – Extra 25% off clearance
  • Eloquii – Up to 60% off everything; extra 60% off all sale
  • J.Crew – 40% off sitewide; extra 60% off sale styles
  • J.Crew Factory – Extra 20% off orders $125+; extra 60% off clearance; 60%-70% off 100s of styles
  • Lo & Sons – Summer sale, up to 50% off (ends 9/2)
  • Madewell – Extra 40% off sale; extra 50% off select denim; 25% off fall essentials
  • M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
  • Rothy's – End of season sale, up to 50% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear in the big sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 25% off regular-price purchase; 70% off clearance
  • White House Black Market – Up to 70% off sale

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Comments

    • SF Bay Associate

      Glad I’m not the only one confused. I keep thinking it’s Friday. It’s not. Sigh.

    • NOLA

      I have officially lost track of what day it is. And I’m slowly losing my mind.

      • zora

        ok, but in your situation, that is completely understandable! Still no power? ;oP

        don’t lose your mind! it has to end soon… come ON power company!!!

        • NOLA

          Nope no power. I did grill some pork chops and offered the leftovers to my neighbors. Trying to recharge my Kindle in the car but it thinks my car is a computer so I can’t read and charge. I’m just so hot.

          • In the Pink

            sending dry, cool winds your way if I could, NOLA

            I know how you feel, after 3+ weeks without power with Ike here…you can’t even get to your ac office…makes one look forward to the start of the workweek I dare say.

            Thinking of you tons. HUGS.

          • architu

            Sorry NOLA! I think we only have power because we are near a hospital. We are housing friends without power, trying to do our part over here. Try to stay sane! Hoping you get power tomorrow.

    • Honey Pillows

      I am SO sick of this week. Sick of packing, sick of looking for apartments, and especially sick of realtors expecting me to come see houses at 1pm in the afternoon all the way across the city and renting the place to someone who apparently CAN leave work at random hours in the middle of the week.

      Yes. I need this weekend.

    • TO lawyer

      Add me to the chorus of voices desperately wishing it was already the weekend.

    • CKB

      Ugg, I only wish I could relax this weekend. It’s month end, and that means working late Friday (even though the office closes at noon), part of Saturday and part of Monday as well. And it’s been a super crazy week and my first week back after a super fun & relaxing holiday. I’m just done with work but there are way too many things (even other than regular month end stuff) that need to get done. Sigh. But I’ll survive, power through, and everything will be fine. Right?

  2. CWFH

    My Coworker From Hell is back at it again!

    This time he is accusing me of borrowing his “high capacity” (2 GB) jump drive several months ago and not returning it. He sent me an email asking if I had it. The next time I saw him in person he asked again and I told him no I don’t believe I have it. He then sent me a very curt nasty asking me to go look for it and return it and that he expects to have things returned when he lends them out.

    I can honestly say I may or may not have borrowed this item. It would have been about 5 months ago during a project but I really don’t remember. I don’t have it in my office, I checked. Should I just respond with a polite “sorry I don’t have it”?

    • SF Bay Associate

      Yes, *always* be polite in documented communications. Don’t give this jacka$$ anything he can forward or manipulate later.

    • InfoGeek

      Would it be worth it to buy a replacement?

      You should be able to buy an 8GB drive for around $8 plus tax. $10 might be well-worth it to stop his obnoxiousness.

    • No Problem

      Just reply to his nastygram saying you’ve checked and you don’t have it, but you hope he’s able to find it, and you hope he has a nice holiday weekend!

      I would not buy him a new one unless I was 100% certain that I did lose it.

    • Allie

      Given you don’t remember if you returned it, and he’s saying you didn’t — you probably didn’t. I can see why he’s so infuriated — your description of the whole thing even here is really casual and dismissive. But it’s crappy of you to be this way — he legitimately did you a favor (albeit a small one) by lending you this thing and you’re being so dismissive is kind of gross.

      • nona

        He may or may not have loaned it to her, but that doesn’t excuse being nasty about it when she didn’t immediately produce the item after 5(!) months. His complaining and continuing to demand it isn’t going to make it magically appear.

        And dude, 2GB as “high-capacity” is so 2 years ago.

        • Allie

          Your 5 (!) doesn’t make any sense, at least not if you’re trying to convey that after 5 months, he’s the one being unreasonable. If anything, that 5 months has passed and she still hasn’t returned the damn thing reflects poorly on her. It makes sense that he’s annoyed.

      • JessC

        I kind of agree. If there’s a solid chance you borrowed it and lost it, buy him a new one. But if you’re pretty certain that you didn’t, then politely tell him you don’t have it.

    • E

      Maybe he’s just a lunatic, but it sounds to me like you probably did borrow it, and if you did, you definitely didn’t return it. I wouldn’t buy it with your own money, but perhaps see if you can arrange to get another one through whatever channels you’d normally use to procure new office supplies (or perhaps IT).

      • CWFH

        My coworker pulls these type of stunts all the time and is typically very difficult to work with. My thought was that if I let someone borrow a $10 USB drive and then suddenly wanted it back after 5 months…I honestly wouldn’t expect the person I loaned it to to have kept track of it for that length of time. I don’t think a USB drive is worth souring a professional relationship over, especially since there were not any important documents on this drive.

        • Allie

          You’re so not getting it. If you let someone “borrow” something — wouldn’t you expect them to return it? The idea of “suddenly wanting it back” after 5 months doesn’t, or shouldn’t, even come into play – you should have returned it long before that.

    • Siobhan

      He’s told you why he’s angry–“he expects to have things returned when he lends them out.”

      You’re acting very casual with someone else’s stuff. How you rate its value is immaterial–it’s valuable to him. You’ll develop your own reputation as co-worker from hell if you dismiss other people’s rightful requests for their property as not worth your time or concern.

  4. anonforthis

    Awkward question.

    A supervisor asked me to shoot an email for him to a middle-ranking royal of an Arab country. It is a personal email, addressed to his personal email address and will take the format of “Supervisor name asked that I pass along the following attachments along with the enclosed note from him:”

    The official title of the royal is “His Excellency” and I am not sure how to best address him in the email. Dear Your Excellency? To Your Excellency, His Name?

    Advice?

  5. Ellen

    Nice handbag. I do perfer the Eteniene Aigners tho. In law school, we all went to the outlet’s and fought over who got the Aigners. I alway’s snagged the best leather one. Yay!!!!!

    Jim called ME about the HSR. He detected something’s that could be mathamatical issue’s that could cause question’s at the FTC, I told him that I did NOT do the math, but gave it to our accountenant, Frank, and that Frank could go over with him the form. Jim asked me again about going to the beach, but I said it was to hot. I told him that I wanted MORE transeactioneal work from him, but NOT the kind of work where alot of math was involved.

    Jim said he would talk to the general council. He asked whether I had ever done any do dieligence before. I said of course. So he said that he was going to travel to Nashville on a do dieligence matter, and if the general council approved, I could go to; all expenses paid. I told him mabye, b/c the last time I went on a business trip, there was NO air condition and we had to stay an extra day to finish up. FOOEY!

    He said we would be stayeing at the Hyatt Regency and that the ambeience was great, and if I wanted, we could go to the Grand Old Oprah, and see Elvises House. I alway’s wanted to see Elvises house, and now I can go for free! I told him we had to have seperate rooms, just like when I travel with the manageing partner. He said OF COURSE. Yay!!!! So we will see.

      • Merabella

        But it is totally awesome, and if you have the chance to go you should take it. I especially loved the hot neon yellow basement.

  6. Bar mitzva gift advice

    A kid I used to babysit for is having his bar mitzva soon, and I have to get him some sort of gift. (His family got me a pretty generous wedding gift, so I feel especially obligated.) I asked about various Judaica-y items, but he already owns everything he could ever want, so that is out. I can just give him a check, but that seems a little weird, and he certainly doesn’t need it (family is quite well off). I would love suggestions for games, books, experiences (he lives in NYC), or anything else that might be appropriate. He is a very smart and nerdy kid; he especially likes science, finance, and politics. Thanks!

    • Blonde Jew

      Regardless of how well-off the family is, a check is totally acceptable, and very standard. That money usually goes straight to a college fund. My Bat Mitzvah paid for a full semester of college -and once you get out of college and start looking at your loan payments, it’s extremely appreciated!

      If he’s nerdy and into finances, you might buy him a modest amount of stock in a company that means something to him and his family. Or a B&N gift card -those are always appreciated by nerdy kids!

    • JessBee

      Man, it’s been a rough day. My first thought was: how are we supposed to give ideas if we don’t know how old he is?? /facepalm

      Anyway. Is he advanced enough for a newsmagazine? A subscription to The Economist could be a really neat gift– getting your own mail on a regular basis is pretty cool at that age, I think. Or Mental Floss magazine, which would be a great gift for a nerd of any age.

    • BLP

      Much to my surprise, if you asked my son what gifts he got for his bar mtizvah that he apprectiated the most, he would tell you that after the MacBook his grandparents gave him, he really liked the gifts people gave him that related to charities. One was a really cool organization called Kiva.org, which does microloans all around the world. You give an amount of money as a gift certificate, and then the kid goes online and chooses an entity to loan the money to (could be something like a farmer in India who wants to buy an ox, or someone in Africa with a small business who needs to buy a computer to expand their business). Eventually the loan recipient pays the money back, with some modest interest, and the kid gets to decide how to reinvest the money. My son also got several donations to charities where you give the money, but he picks what charity it goes to — I think there are a number of organizations that do this, but the one I remember is justgive.org.
      I would have thought my son wouldn’t have cared about getting gifts like this at all (and maybe even would have been annoyed that he didn’t get something material for himself), but he loved going online and picking out who to give or loan the money to. It’s also a really appropriate bar mitzvah gift, as part of being bar mitzvahed is supposed to involve doing a”mitzvah” — which is basically a kindness, like community service.

    • Niktaw

      Cash or check is perfectly fine; just because the family is well off does not mean the kid will not appreciate some money of his own.
      My son is very similar to a kid that you describe and around the same age; I would not give him books or games I picked but rather give him $$ or a gift cert and go shopping for games/gifts together… We actually had a great time browsing the MoMA store.

    • E

      Nearly everyone gave me a check for mine back in the day, and certainly my parents didn’t need the money. But it was set aside for me, invested in an index fund in a custodial account my father set up for me back in the day, and that money is now mine.

      The few non-money gifts I received were jewelry (one necklace that I still wear) and an occasional inappropriate “birthday gift” type gift from non-Jewisth school friends (e.g., Abercrombie sweater).

      • In the Pink

        Try to find something on the Think Geek website…alot of boys that age are into tech stuff and geek is now positive.

    • JNF

      You can plant a tree, or trees, in Israel in his name online at JNF.org. They will send him a certificate. Standard gift.

    • Sharon

      It’s standard and customary to give a check, so don’t worry if that’s where you end up.

      Don’t buy Judaica — let’s be real, most kids don’t want that stuff.

      For bonus points, make the check out in multiples of $18 ($36, $54, $72, etc.). 18 stands for chai — life.

    • Blue

      +1 on the check. I got tons of checks for bat mitzvah, it’s definitely not weird at all. My parents made me put it all in a savings account and wouldn’t let me touch it. Now I’m 25 and that money is going to go towards a down payment on a condo some time in the next couple years. The only other thing my friends and I really wanted for our bat mitzvahs was jewelry, but that obviously won’t work for a boy.

    • anon

      Gift certificate to a bookstore, in a multiple of the number 18 — it’s considered a very good-luck number. At my bat mitzvah, oh so many years ago, $18 was common, but now with inflation maybe $36 or $54?

  7. Equity's Darling

    I’m being called to the bar tomorrow. I’m feeling so anxious and unprepared and generally not ready.

    The ceremony itself will be fine (I simply have to affirm an oath), but I’m really stressed about the general responsibilities of being a full lawyer and having my own insurance. Everyone keeps asking how excited I am, and I keep saying “so excited”, when really I’m thinking “not excited at all”.

    Pep talk?

    • Blonde Lawyer

      Yes!

      1.) I recently attended a function that tried to increase pro-bono legal services. A justice on my state supreme court addressed the new attorneys. She said that even if we don’t know everything about an area of law, we know where to FIND the law, where to find the rules, where to find the procedure, and we know how to stand and act professional in a court room. That is more than half the battle and provides so much more to a litigant. Someone with an 8th grade education will do so much better in court with their brand new pro bono attorney then they would do going it alone.

      2.) Experienced lawyers still don’t memorize everything about their practice area and more often than not, look things up. I learned this after occasionally saying to my very experienced boss “I’m about to research x for the y matter but wasn’t sure if you knew the answer off the top of your head.” He almost always says “I should, but I don’t, research away.” That has made me SO much more confident knowing that the boss doesn’t know it either.

      3.) At the same event mentioned in 1, an attorney spoke and said “I spent 30 years as a public defender. I am a very experienced litigator and well respected in this community. I then took a job at (redacted). The day came when I had to sue someone and I realized, I’VE BEEN AN ATTORNEY FOR THIRTY YEARS AND DON’T KNOW HOW TO SUE SOMEONE!!! Just because you don’t know something “basic” doesn’t mean you are stupid. It just means you haven’t had a chance to do it yet. In her case, she went down to the clerks office and just asked. They had a good laugh and she got her answer. She also could have consulted her local statutes and rules or the guidebook for new attorneys my state puts out. There are resources. Use them. You will do fine.

      4.) Lastly, at the same event as 1, the Justice reminded the ladies in the room that while not always true, she has found men tend to graduate all gung ho thinking “I can do everything perfectly” when it often isn’t the case. . . and women tend to graduate thinking “omg, I don’t know anything, I can’t do anything” which also isn’t the case. The truth is somewhere in the middle. Some of you know more than you think you know and others will learn what you don’t know. This is normal. You will be fine.

      • Hel-lo

        Congratulations! I second all of Blonde Lawyer’s advice.

        Remember that you’re not part of a profession that is bigger than you. And misbehavior on your part reflects on the profession. You never want to be the reason people don’t like lawyers.

      • VBSF

        I’m not even in law and I love the wisdom in your advice. I’m saving for personal reference later.

    • KLG

      You are not the only one who feels this way! It’s very common. Being a lawyer is a big responsibility. But you’ve trained for this and being called to the bar does not take away your ability to ask questions when you don’t understand something. Congrats!

    • TO lawyer

      Essentially in the same boat as you so no real advice, but congratulations!

      To be honest, I wasn’t excited before my call either but at the actual ceremony, which was really well done, I felt pride in both my new profession and my accomplishments up to this point.

      I’m definitely finding that there is a lot more pressure on me as a lawyer than as an articling student, but if you take it day by day, you should be fine. you made it this far (and survived articling right?), so you’ll be great!

    • Nonny

      Congratulations! Being called is a big deal, and I hope your family can fly out to be there! I am not sure what the procedure is in Alberta, but in BC the judge gives a big speech to all the new lawyers. If that happens, listen and try to remember what he/she says. It is usually good advice. (Though in Alberta I know it used to be the practice for new lawyers to be individually presented – is that still the case? I think that is pretty cool.)

      I don’t have much of a pep talk, except to say that yes, you will make mistakes; yes, you will feel like an imposter sometimes; yes, you will feel The Fear – for years. Don’t worry about it. Everyone goes through the same thing, even Mr. Amazing Senior Partner Rainmaker that everyone looks up to – he went through it too. The only real mistake is to become overconfident. You will be a great lawyer. Just keep learning and stay humble.

    • Jo March

      Congrats! Enjoy Call Day and then treat yourself to something awesome this weekend (even if that’s just partying with fellow new lawyers).

      Don’t worry; nobody expects you to magically know exactly what you’re doing just because you’ve now been called. Askaskask as many questions as you need – even if it’s just of people a year ahead of you. It’s *way* easier to ask now, rather than a year or two down the road when maybe you should already know the answer by then (I am having that issue in some quarters, lol, where I didn’t want to look stupid asking, and I still haven’t quite figured it out, and I have to ask our new calls to find out for me so that I don’t look *extra* stupid for not knowing a year out…blargh.)

  8. Divaliscious11

    Eww…. Brahmin bags look like bigger versions of Barbie purses to me… And that hardware! But hey to each his own……

    • eastbaybanker

      They are well constructed bags in classic shapes, but they always seem a little too shiny and a little too croc-embossed. But yes, to each her own.

  9. MsZ

    Hello ladies!

    I have a wedding reception at a Midwestern bar to attend tomorrow night. It’s supposed to be pretty windy and in the low 70s. What are our thoughts on maxidresses for such an event? I have one that’s a low v-neck, cream with a navy and coral print (Tart Belfort Maxi fan feather, if you have a Gilt membership you can see it), or a one-shoulder solid plum one (Tart Lois Maxi – same). Invitations didn’t state a dress code, but had a beachy/Hawaiian theme. I’m afraid the first one reads a little “cocktails on the lanai” because of the print and the second one reads too formal because of the one shoulder (even though it’s a very casual jersey fabric).

    If y’all say nay to the maxi dress, I’m going with the Anthro “Given Then Gathered Column Dress” in the stripe that somebody here linked to a few weeks ago. I’m just afraid I’m going to be cold. (BTW – best purchase in a long time. Get thee this dress. Flattering, comfortable, and machine washable. Link to follow to avoid moderation.) I’m just afraid I’m going to be cold.

    Thanks all! Happy almost-holiday weekend!

    • Hel-lo

      I, personally, would not be cold in the low 70s. But people are acclimated to different things. Take a jacket/cardi if you’re worried.

      I’ve seen maxis at weddings this summer, but the weddings I attended were on the casual side.

    • Research, Not Law

      I was married at a bar and guests wore a very wide range of attire, from sexy silver c-dress to knit leggings and sweater. The invitations were formal, no dress code requested. We didn’t really care. After all, we’re the kind of people who get married in a bar. I mention it, because you probably have more leeway than at other weddings.

      They are all three beautiful dresses. I would go with either the plum one-shoulder maxi or the striped column dress. I would think you’d be comfortable with the column dress with hose, but I don’t think the maxi would be too formal or informal.

  10. MsZ

    Reposting because of the c*cktail mistake.

    Hello ladies!

    I have a wedding reception at a Midwestern bar to attend tomorrow night. It’s supposed to be pretty windy and in the low 70s. What are our thoughts on maxidresses for such an event? I have one that’s a low v-neck, cream with a navy and coral print (Tart Belfort Maxi fan feather, if you have a Gilt membership you can see it), or a one-shoulder solid plum one (Tart Lois Maxi – same). Invitations didn’t state a dress code, but had a beachy/Hawaiian theme. I’m afraid the first one reads a little “c*cktails on the lanai” because of the print and the second one reads too formal because of the one shoulder (even though it’s a very casual jersey fabric).

    If y’all say nay to the maxi dress, I’m going with the Anthro “Given Then Gathered Column Dress” in the stripe that somebody here linked to a few weeks ago. I’m just afraid I’m going to be cold. (BTW – best purchase in a long time. Get thee this dress. Flattering, comfortable, and machine washable. Link to follow to avoid moderation.)

    Thanks all! Happy almost-holiday weekend!

      • just Karen

        I’m so glad you posted about this dress! I’d looked at it a few weeks ago when someone posted about it, but waited too long to go look at it in person, and last I checked it was back to full price online – looks like it’s discounted again, so I’m going today! Hooray! Sorry for all the exclamation points!

      • Cat

        I bought that dress based on that recommendation as well. LOVE IT. It looks like a droopy, drapey mess coming out of the box, but all the folds skim where they should skim. For reference, I’m a long waisted 5’4, size 6 in jcrew pencil skirts, and the S was perfect.

      • cfm

        Do you think its formal enough for a north east wedding? dress code is “formal” but not black tie or anything

        • Cat

          I would say no – although the shape is right, the material has a matte, t shirt type finish. Better for the rehearsal dinner.

        • MsZ

          I don’t think it’s formal enough for your event – it’s a pretty casual t-shirt material.

          FWIW it runs tts.

    • Natalie

      I looked up the Belfort Maxi, and I think it seems completely appropriate for the venue/setting. And I don’t think you need to worry about “cocktails on the lanai. The print is modern (much better than a big floral) and the navy brings a nice sophistication. I agree that a one-shoulder, full-length dress could seem more formal (or possibly bridesmaid-y at a wedding reception). The Anthro is also a great, versatile option. But my vote is for the Belfort Maxi. Good luck!

      Natalie
      ourstylefile.blogspot.com

  11. Anon-o-fish (why should mice get all the fun?)

    Does anyone know of a book or resource to help a domestic violence victim who feels guilty and shameful that she has ended up in multiple bad abusive relationships? We (friends) have tried to spin it on the positive (but you are so strong, you got out of each one, you take steps to protect yourself, you are not afraid of the legal system) – but she just keeps thinking “how does this keep happening to me???” I think she is right to do some self-reflection and work w/ a therapist to break patterns but I want her to have a resource that explains things, explains it is not all her fault, and something she can point to when an otherwise well meaning family member says “how did you end up in this situation again?”

    • L

      She needs to go to a therapist, if she hasn’t ASAP. No book in the world is going to solve this problem for her and she needs professional help before she gets herself in a relationship she can’t escape.

      I haven’t read it, but have seen the Gift of Fear recommended a lot. You could also call your local chapter of RAINN or similar organization to see if they have resources.

      • BMBG

        Yes, The Gift of Fear by Gavin deBecker (sp?). I have none of those problems but read it, and I think to this day that everyone, particularly every woman, should read it. It applies to life in general, but much of it would apply specifically in this case.

        That said, yes, therapy.

    • cfm

      I don’t think a book or resource is the answer. I think to shut down a family member like that, you say something like “that is really hurtful.” I don’t think pointing to a book and saying oh it happens all the time its not my fault, really does anything to help the akward, hurtful stituation. I think she needs to work with a therapist right away and it is so great she has a good support system already.

    • a passion for fashion

      there are resources in at least all major cities (Im on the board of a non-profit in my city that addresses this sort of thing). what city are you/is your friend in? maybe i can point you in the right direction.

    • emcsquared

      She shouldn’t feel guilty about that, but she does not need to figure out why it is happening. I had an abusive boss, left the job, and wound up in another abusive/manipulative work situation, and it really caused me to wonder what I was projecting that abusive people gravitated toward me at work. A therapist helped me sort through ways to project strength and helped me see that I was basically being so cooperative that I was a pushover and good target for manipulative types.

      It was really important to sort through all of that; I had started second-guessing any work colleague who gave me repeated work because I expected them to turn into monsters at any time. Just some perspective – your friend will likely have more confidence in the relationships she chooses in the future if someone can help her identify what went wrong in the past.

      • emcsquared

        she *does* need to figure out why it is happening.

        My brain has decided it’s Friday afternoon already.

    • Anon-o-fish (why should mice get all the fun?)

      Thanks. Friend is already hooked up w/ the local DV advocates, crisis lines, and lawyer services. I will suggest she discuss this issue w/ the advocates and maybe they can kindly push her towards working on it w/ a therapist. If the time is right, I will also suggest it.

    • 2lawl

      “our-place-online (dot) net” has a great forum for abuse victims (I’m not sure what the link rules are for the filter..). The entire site is run by women who have been in similar situations. Another good book is “Why does he do that?” I don’t remember the author’s name.

    • M-C

      By far the best book I’ve seen on the topic is Lundy Bancroft’s “why does he do that?”. Would be especially helpful for your friend as he discusses the commonalities between those guys, as well as the variations, and the progression of bad things (none start out awful, in fact most start out really great). Excellent discussion of red flags to watch out for, which goes far toward making one feel more confident in heading into future relationships. Essential discussion of how to leave safely. The best analysis I’ve ever seen of the underlying mechanisms, with more respect and compassion for victims that you usually find in books more directly about victims.

      If your friend has had repeat experiences, she needs to read this book, and then find herself a specialized therapist (with help from her DV people, as the wrong therapist can be devastating). She also needs to realize that there’s nothing wrong with her, it’s just that these creeps know to look for someone like her right out of a toxic relationship, as she’s more likely to be already feeling so low as to be easier to control. Take heart, help is at hand!

      • Anon-o-fish (why should mice get all the fun?)

        This is exactly what I was looking for. Thanks.

    • Fiona

      Professor Thom’s (2nd Ave. and 13th St) is a Red Sox bar. I’ve gone there to watch Patriots’ games on occassion as well. I’m not sure if it’s exclusively Patriots, but it does get a lot of New England fans and the food is pretty decent pub food.

  13. ning

    LOVE the brahmin… I own too many. During the workweek, I generally switch between two, (one bought a year ago, the other in Dec), and neither of them look worn- the leather just keeps getting softer and better-looking.

    Personally, I have my eye on the “dark iris” annabelle satchel coming out this fall.

  14. KLG

    So I feel like this is a crowd that is into eyebrow maintenance. At what age would you be comfortable taking your daughter to get an eyebrow wax (as opposed to letting them tweeze)? This assumes no unibrow, just regular full eyebrows.

    • Jenna Rink

      My suggestion would be to do it as soon as she wants to start tweezing. That way she can start out with well shaped eyebrows, which can be challenging at the start! One of my eyebrows still grows in kind of wonky because of over-tweezing as a child.

    • emcsquared

      Is she asking to go in for an eyebrow wax? Because I would’ve developed a pretty nice complex if my mom had suggested my brows needed waxing…(but our relationship was more authoritarian and not very chummy, so such a suggestion would’ve meant I had a Big Problem). Otherwise, it would’ve been fun to have my nails done while Mom got her brows done.

      I’d say she’s ready for eyebrow waxing whenever she starts asking for it, within reason; I probably wouldn’t take a 3 year old no matter how much he/she begged. But make sure you disclose any acne treatments because eyebrow waxing can be a disaster if she’s taking Accutane or using lots of topical stuff.

    • TBK

      Not sure but have you considered threading? I’m just thinking it’s a lot more like tweezing and no risk of hot wax. As for age for eyebrow maintenance generally, I’d say middle school-ish. I have dark hair and pretty full eyebrows, and when I was about 12 or 13, my mom took me out on our back porch, held me down, and TWEEZED the h*ll out of my eyebrows. I wasn’t happy at the time, but was very grateful afterward. It was defintely time to deal with those brows.

    • Nonny

      I’m not a parent, but I do deal with teenaged girls fairly frequently.

      Personally, I wouldn’t do it until the girl was 17 or 18. I just think that doing it too early sends the wrong message. Maybe a senior prom spa gift?

        • nona

          Yes, the wrong message – they one that says “You aren’t good enough the way you are, so go do this thing to be better”.

          As for legs – they shouldn’t if they don’t want to, and shouldn’t be pressured into doing it. They can be asked if they want to start, so they can get help picking out a razor and learning how to do it, but they definitely shouldn’t be told they need to start. They’ll figure out it’s a thing if/when they’re ready.

          And frankly, how many tweens(!) have enough hair on their legs to need shaving.

          • momentsofabsurdity

            Uh, I did. My Indian genes tend toward hirsutism and I had thick black, noticeable and tease-worthy hair on my legs by age … 8?

          • Nonny

            Exactly, nona. Of course, if it is a special case like JT’s and the girl is getting teased mercilessly, that’s something else. But I see no reason why it should be part of most teenagers’ regular routines, or emphasized to them as “important” at that stage of their lives.

            For the record, I was reasonably hairy as a teenager but this stuff was never pushed on me – I just started tweezing on my own when it became important to me, which was probably some time in undergrad. I think I started using my mom’s razor on my legs when I was in about grade 10, though.

          • E

            I agree with this 100%. Hair removal should be driven by the girl. With few exceptions, when she asks or indicates interest, she’s old enough. Otherwise, just let her be. I still don’t go for any professional waxing/hair removal (my god, what an incredible waste of time and money it strikes me as) – I shave/epilate/tweeze my own areas as I see fit – and I’m very happy with my routine.

          • EC MD

            I don’t disagree with you, but there’s another side to this coin. Often times, the message that the girl isn’t good enough is coming from girls their age; and having a mother that is blind to that intense pressure to conform can be challenging as well.

            I remember being 12 and feeling like everything. mattered. how my scrunchie laid around the bun I made. How the bun was constructed. Which brand of jeans I wore. How my t-shirt sleeves were cuffed (I’m probably giving away my generation, but whatevs). And people got teased, sometimes mercilessly, for not conforming to those kind of standards. I’m not a hairy person, but if I had a hairy girl, and there was pressure from the other girls to be less so, I would support her. I’d like to think that I’d simultaneously give her the message that these messages are kind of screwed up, and her value as a woman is not dependent on her eyebrow shape or thickness, but I’d also like to think I’d recognize that that was the currency of her current culture, and to let her not be open to teasing for something that that she and I could control

          • karenpadi

            ECMD, I agree with your first paragraph 10000%. I wasn’t a sweaty, hairy girl (I still only shave my legs maybe once every 3 months) and my mom was probably right that I didn’t need to shave or wear deodorant at the age of 9. But everyone else was at that age and I felt so left out.

          • Mary

            lol! I begged my mom to let me shave for months when I was ten years old. She told me I was too young over and over again–until one day we were in the bright light of the kitchen and she couldn’t believe how dark and long and thick the hair was on my legs! Jeesh!

        • Mary

          Well, if it is the wrong message, then none of us should wax or tweeze our eyebrows. I would feel sorry for a pretty teen with bushy eyebrows when all she needs is a tweezer!

      • JT

        Oh heck no! It depends on how badly she needs it. My mom started taking me with her when I was about eight or nine because I have a unibrow like Maggie Simpson’s baby nemesis. I got teased mercilessly in school, and if that had continued until I was 17 or 18 I would have had zero self esteem left!

    • KinCA

      I have naturally full, thick brows (no unibrow, fortunately) and I had them waxed for the first time when I was 12 or 13. I remember my mom letting me do it for the first time prior to a special event, so it was part of the “getting ready” process, and then I just went regularly every few months after that.

    • L

      I had thick wonky eyebrows. After attempting to shave them into shape (bc tweezing hurt too bad) my mom took me where we got our nails done and let me get them done; I think I was 12 or 13. If she is concerned about them, let her get them done professionally. It’s much easier to work with nice thick brows for the rest of your life, than the results of years of overplucking.

    • Niktaw

      I took my daughter to my threading appointments long before she needed/wanted her eyebrows shaped – not on purpose, it was a quick errand in between weekend activities. When she was about 12-13 I offered that she get it done too, but it was a couple of years before she went for it.
      Good suggestion just going to get the nails “did” and getting the eyebrows as an afterthought.

    • No Problem

      I would say somewhere between 13 and 15, depending on how furry they are and what her peer group is doing. I think I started tweezing the center of my brows right when I started high school (age 14) and started tweezing everything a couple months later when I finally got contacts (suddenly you could see how crazy thick my eyebrows were!). But I probably would have done this all a little sooner if I didn’t have glasses. Some girls waited longer, but I would say that by sophomore or junior year it was definitely the odd girl out who noticeably didn’t do any maintenance.

      You could phrase it along the lines of “are you interested in getting your eyebrows shaped/waxed?” rather than just telling her she needs to. My mom took this approach with my cousin when she was about 15 and she was so grateful (my aunt would never have thought her daughter would want to thin out the herd).

    • TO lawyer

      My mom started taking me threading when I was about 13 or 14 I think – just about when I was starting to get more self-conscious about my appearance.

      FWIW, if my mom had made me wait till I was 17 or 18, I would have been way more self-conscious about my appearance.

    • Cat

      My mom took me when I was 12 or 13. She took me as part of a sort of “becoming a teenager” week where I also received makeup lessons at Clinique and my first few pairs of heels. I was really glad she did that, especially because I escaped the overtweezing that would definitely have ensued had I attempted it for myself without the “template.”

    • Migraine Sufferer

      I’m 35. I just started waxing my eyebrows and never tweezed them. My mother offered *no* direction in my youth. I was never teased or made fun (that I’m aware of ). I do absolutely love the look of my brows when they are manicured. It makes me feel like I look sophisticated. Anyways. FWIW.

      If your daughter is asking to do this, I might ask her why she wants to and then address that.

    • momentsofabsurdity

      I’ve got thick brows (that still, after 10+ years of waxing, grow in like caterpillars so I call BS on that “waxing will eventually make the hair grow less) and I started when I was 13. I think it probably should have started in middle school – it makes a huge difference on my face and immediately made me lot more confident in the way I looked. Both my younger sisters (who have similar brows) started earlier (think 10-11) and both agree it should have been earlier on. I was sort of the guinea pig oldest daughter.

      That said, my mom never had any “rules” about when I could start doing grown up things re: makeup, nail polish, leg shaving. I’m actually really grateful because it gave me the control to start doing those things when I wanted to, not letting my mom decide when I was or wasn’t ready.

    • DC Jenny

      I think the answer to this question is 100% determined by whether she is asking you to do this or if you are considering suggesting it to her. Yes for the former, no for the latter. Although, I would probably make her contribute for at least part of the cost, but I grew up without much money and I’m mean like that.

    • Merabella

      I would say that taking her to an eyebrow wax at 12-14 isn’t crazy. I would specify to the waxer that you want her to still look natural, just cleaned up. Then she can use that as a base for tweezing.

      My older sister looked at me when I was 12 and said, “Girl you need to do something about your eyebrows…” then she tweezed them for me.

    • KLG

      Thanks all. I was just wondering because when I picked my 12 year old stepdaughter up last week her mother mentioned to me that she’d tweezed my stepdaughter’s eyebrows because they were “bushy and out of control” and she hadn’t had time to take her for a wax. I was frankly shocked and worried about the message it might be sending stepdaughter (you’re not okay the way you are), but I do tend to be on the conservative end of the parenting spectrum so I was just wondering if I’m just totally out of it. She has dark hair but definitely not a hairy/unibrow situation at all. In my middle school days some girls did pluck their eyebrows (because they wanted to) but nobody I knew went for an eyebrow wax or had their mothers involved in eyebrow maintenance. It’s good to see there is a range of opinions on the subject.

  15. CKB

    A small vent & a little advice for anyone going on a job interview.

    Please answer the question that is asked. If I ask you to tell me about a time when you experienced something, please tell me about a time where you experienced something. I interviewed a few people for an opening with my company today & two of them either answered my questions in general terms, making me think they were only telling me what they thought I wanted to hear, or took off on a mostly unrelated tangent. If you don’t understand the question, please ask for clarification – I don’t mind. And if I ask you what you think will be your biggest challenge in the role, please come up with something or I’ll think you’re way too overconfident & cocky.

    And one more thing – please don’t show up more than 15 minutes early for your interview. 10 minutes early is perfect. Earlier than that and I start wondering about your time management abilities, although I do try to remember you are eager and nervous, and early is definitely better than late. Although other interviewers might disagree with me on this?

    That’s all. Thanks, I feel better.

    • Niktaw

      Heartily co-sign.
      If I ask you about a past project, tell me what you did on this project, not how work is usually done on projects according to a textbook you memorized.

  16. wicked anon for this

    My boss is committing relatively minor fraud. The amount is between $5k and $10k a year, and he sees it as taking from the rich to give to the deserving. I discovered this about two weeks ago, and gave him until October 1st to correct the issue before I alert his supervisor. He has not taken steps to fix it yet, so I am now worrying that I really may have to do this. Not being experienced in fraud, I’m worried about how it will come across if I’ve known about it for 6 weeks by the time I tell them. Is it a bad idea to wait that long or is it reasonable to give him this period of time to correct the issue? For what it’s worth, the nature of the fraud requires that he have some time to correct it.

    • L

      Not a lawyer, but you need to tell your boss you’ve thought this over and you feel strongly he needs to turn himself in by COB Tuesday to his supervisor. His supervisor can come up with an action plan for correcting it, but you can’t sit on fraud for 6 weeks. Two is long enough!!

    • Jo March

      I’m assuming you’re not a lawyer, wickedanon, because if you are, my sense is you’d have to report – at *least* to his boss, if not to the Law Society – ASAP (though obviously Codes of Conduct vary across jurisdictions. In mine, money fraud is pretty much the worst thing you can do). But even if you’re not, I’d go to his supervisor right away. If he commits more fraud before your deadline, your own ethics/professionalism/liability could be on the line. And if you discovered this has been going on for years, this is even more true. I’d go to him and say – I’m sorry, but you haven’t taken any steps to correct this fraud, and I need to protect my own professional ethics, and so unless you go talk to your supervisor today, I am going to do so myself.

        • a-nonette

          Yep, I’d report this ASAP to his boss AND any other agency / government body that oversees your profession / company. Sure there’s a risk in reporting someone (retaliation), but it’s much better than being swept into their fraud and facing any investigation or charges later. So report him ASAP.

        • eastbaybanker

          Agreed. It is against my company’s policy to NOT report this kind of thing. If you sit on the information, there’s a chance you could be putting yourself at risk. I would say something right away.

      • Herbie

        Jo March, I agree with 99% of what you say.

        I don’t know that I would give boss the opportunity to come clean to his supervisor. Boss clearly lacks integrity and is already deceiving the company. It looks like OP made a mistake by offering him an opportunity to “correct” the fraud (I say that because I don’t understand what she means– come clean? return the $$?), two weeks have already passed, and she may be jeopardizing her own career. I might be inclined to not alert Boss at all and simply go to Boss’s Supervisor and say, “I discovered X. I told Boss I would give him 6 weeks to come clean. It’s been 2 weeks, and I think I made a mistake by even giving him that. I’m telling you now.”

        • Anonymous Poser

          Not a lawyer, but +1!!! to the recommendation to skip the boss and report to the boss’ supervisor ASAP

    • Maine Associate

      If you are a lawyer and/or he is a lawyer, check your ethics rules or call your ethics hotline for your bar association ASAP.

      • Herbie

        If she is a lawyer, her fiduciary duty (and duties of confidentiality) are to the company, not boss. She may not be able to blow the whistle to a third-party agency, but she absolutely has an obligation to report the fraud (“corrected” or not) to the company.

    • Herbie

      You need to go to his supervisor or someone else in the company (accounting? CFO? Audit? HR?) immediately.

      “Correcting” the fraud, whatever that means, is not enough. There is a serious integrity issue here that the company needs to know about ASAP regardless of whether your boss “corrects” the fraud.

      Please consider also that permitting your boss to “correct” the fraud (return the funds and cover up his fraud?) may make you complicit in the fraud in your company’s eyes.

      • JJ

        This. This. This. For all of the reasons provided by Herbie and what if the fraud is discovered in the future? Because you didn’t report it, you will look complicit in it.

        Committing fraud is like being pregnant: you can’t commit a little fraud just like you can’t be a little pregnant. Something is either fraudulent or it isn’t.

        You need to look out for yourself, career-wise and potentially criminal-liability wise. Clearly your boss was looking out for himself – I wouldn’t trust him to rectify anything as far as I could throw him.

    • Former Partner, Now In-House

      Any chance you work at a company or an agency that has an anonymous whistleblower reporting option? Or that your boss has a license from the state that is monitored by a government agency to which you can anonymously report him?

    • Meep

      Unless you’re a lawyer and have some kind of ethical reporting duty yourself, I would take your time with this. Are you sure what he is doing is fraudulent and not just unethical? Are you sure he hasn’t done anything to correct it? I was in a similar situation myself a few years back and nearly lost my job when I blew the whistle because everyone supported the employee who was committing fraud – it was a nonprofit and the attitude there was, “Well, we do a lot of good here and the ends justify the means.” I kept my job, but so did my boss and it was very, very uncomfortable for the several years it took me to find a new job after that. Document everything and proceed with extreme caution.

  17. cb

    Any tips for being cheerful when you secretly want to crawl in a cave for a few days? Sadly a cave is not an option and with a move, training, and the start of term, a break is 20 days away. I just started crying in my room which is pretty unusual for me.

    • 2lawl

      Hugs.. I don’t have suggestions, but I’ve felt that way before. Just *hugs*.. here if you need to vent.

    • Bonnie

      Perhaps don’t focus on being cheerful now and just focus on how you will feel in 20 days. Everyone does not have to be cheerful 100% of the time. Good luck.

      • eek

        This. And also take it one day at a time. Just accomplish what you have to do for the day. Leave the rest for the next day. And all the other stuff….eat well, get some fresh air/exercise, talk to people, do something nice for someone else, and don’t be afraid cry (or have a drink!). Good luck – you can do this!

  18. Kelsey

    I’m a long-time reader of this site. I’m not sure if anyone is still reading this, or if I would be better off posting tomorrow. I’m from overseas and am doing some research on spousal support/alimony in unmarried couples living together in the US. I understand these laws vary by state and was wondering if there was a good source someone could direct me to for a state by state comparison. I find the American laws quite overwhelming!

    • Anonymous Poser

      Oy–I forgot about link moderation.
      Try:
      Alternatives to Marriage Project
      National Conference of State Legislatures

      A post with links should show up, too…

      • In the Pink NOLA

        Hey NOLA, thinking of you again. Once this is all over, I’d recommend doing what we did AFTER Ike, bought two battery powered portable fans. Should make it easier during the day, on and off, and certainly to get to sleep at night (We have been blessed so far, not having to need it since – but the time will come, I’m sure). Hoping you have some cool breezes tonight and maybe some ice leftover too.

    • sadie

      It varies massively by state, so you really need to know what state you’re looking at.
      I usually see these type of support payments referred to as palimony, if that helps.

    • Homestar

      Kelsey–a very famous case in this area was Marvin v. Marvin (18 Cal. 3d 660). It was a California case. You may be able to find law review articles that discuss this case and also discuss cases in other states. If you have access to Lexis and Westlaw, then you may be able to use the Marvin case as a springboard into other research material. Good luck.

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