Coffee Break: Francesca Crossbody

93 Comments

1. I’m the OP from yesterday who is suing ex-landlord in small claims court for return of deposit and is wondering about attending in-person court postpartum. Thanks everyone who commented!
   To clarify: I did not choose the court date. The court was so backed up that this lease has been over for more than two years! I am the only plaintiff (aside from LL’s countersuit), but partner can certainly take care of baby if I do brave an in-person appearance. I can ask for continuance but also really just want to get this over with because I dislike unfinished business hanging over me. Unfortunately, because we moved twice since the lease was over, I also now live nearly two hours away from where court is taking place. If baby comes on due date, I’ll be exactly four weeks postpartum. My existing kid was born two weeks late. She’s much older and I just can’t remember what it was like this far out from birth. Probably because it was all a blur, ha! So my choices are: 1. go as scheduled, 2. ask for remote hearing, or 3. continuance + in-person and I’m trying to evaluate if a remote hearing is just a bad idea from a court perspective. The court did hold remote hearings during Covid some of which I attended as a viewer in preparation and they seemed decently organized but this is no longer the norm.

   1. I feel like you could easily get a continuance. You don’t know when the delivery will be or how it will go (if you have a c-section, you may not be able to drive still). You may be leaking from the bottom and/or top. I just wouldn’t want do sign up for that. I’ve had 2 kids. I went to a funeral 2 hours away at 8ish weeks postpartum and the boob management was . . . not awesome. Left kid with my mom for 6ish hours.

   2. I think you received lots of good input. Only you can weigh the effect of the outcome vs. Inconvenience of attendance.

   3. So with this additional information, I would change what I advised last time.

      I would request a continuance, and try to be there in person.

      It will be inconvenient no matter when you do it, but that 2hr driving each way + who knows how much time in court = problems for a new mom who has no ideas what her delivery will be like and how things will be going.

   4. I think a continuance would be best.

   5. Just piping up that I’m team settle. With counterclaims a judge often just splits the baby and you may want to save the hassle entirely. I’d consider each side dropping their claims against the other and have your lawyer draft or propose it.

2. I like this bag! It reminds me of Akris — a bit out there, but really excellent. This is at least not wholly out of my budget.

   Substance Q: is the Texas Law Review Manual of Style still a thing? I used to think it was helpful (when do you capitalize nouns? Spell out numbers vs use numerals?). My kid (teen) has all of these issues (so you know what’s not being taught in Honors English in middle school) with her writing and wants to get better on the boring technical things. I liked that book was really a booklet. But I don’t see it on Amazon. What is like it that is current that a middle-schooler could easily read?

   1. Strunk and White? The AP Style Manual?

   2. I do not know why, but my mom had a copy of Grammar Snobs Are Great Big Meanies by June Casagrande when I was a teen and I read it cover to cover. I was already into that kind of thing (and owned two copies of the AP stylebook thanks to HS journalism), but I still use the tricks/mnemonics I learned from it. It is very irreverent and adult in tone though, so ymmv.

   3. my kid just uses Grammarly – there’s a free version as well as paid. Grammar Girl is a good resource if they’re curious about the reasoning.

      Eats, Shoots & Leaves was fun but I haven’t read it in 20 years. looks like they do have a kid version.

      AP Stylebook is published every other year now but there’s also an online version
      https://www.apstylebook.com/

      1. ugh, I hate when people rely on Grammarly instead of actually learning grammar.

   4. When I taught undergraduates, I required the AP style manual (or the MLA for those who were not science/business majors). I recommended Strunk and White to students and trainees and also had a copy of that on my desk at the bank for 35 years.

      Eats, Shoots & Leaves is an entertaining book with a good message.

   5. I believe you can order the style manual from UT. I just input Texas Law Review Manual of Style and confirmed. There are also some used ones out there. We still use it in my office. I agree that it’s a very user friendly resource.

   6. The Guardian’s style guide is freely accessible on their website! And the Economist publish a version of theirs as a paperback book. I go to the guardian in the first instance, generally. (Although conscious that that’s a U.K. focused answer)

   7. Second Eats, Shoots, and Leaves. I also liked The Deluxe Transitive Vampire but it might be a little over the head of a middle schooler.

      1. Ugh, mod. One more time:

         Second Eats, Shoots, and Leaves. I also liked The Deluxe T r a n s itive Vampire but it might be a little over the head of a middle schooler.

3. After 10 years in small and informal law firms, I am in a Fortune 100 insurance company. I love it so far! but I want to catch up on years of not ‘playing the corporate game’ that I’ve never done. I consume all the material I get within my company, but I would love more from a general perspective.

   Do you have any book recommendations?

   I’m thinking of topics like: corporate culture, picking up on language, how to excel generally, etc. Really anything to get me closer to the mindset of working at a huge (to me!) company

   1. I’m in a similar boat. It’s nice to meet you, Twin.

   2. I’ve worked at a few large companies (30k, 80k, etc.). The best advice I can give you for early on is trust no one, ask tons of questions, figure out who is in the know by listening, and build relationships with everyone (who doesn’t immediately seem toxic) to figure out who you can trust. I also live by underpromise and over deliver – e.g., I give a week for a timeframe when I know I can get it done in three days and then send it on the fourth. Listen, listen, listen! Figure out who actually makes the decisions in the functions you work with. Connect with people outside your function (join employee resource groups, etc). Learn how people like to communicate and then communicate with them primarily in that way, CYA-ing yourself as needed.

      FWIW, I continuously get exceeds expectations reviews, raises, and I got a long-term retention bonus 6 months into my current job, so these strategies are working well for me.

      1. I also strive to make my boss’s life as easy as possible. She loves my approach and comments on it fairly often.

   3. The secret handshake is a good book for this. Good luck!

   4. I really like the Harvard Business Review for this sort of thing. They have some great essay collections and podcasts.

   5. Good advice from the Anon poster(s) above.

      Books I recommend to those entering business or corporate environments were recommended by Warren Buffet and/or Bill Gates. Most of these should be available on kindle via the public library.

      Business Adventures: Twelve Classic Tales from the World of Wall Street by John Brooks – if you’re in a corporation, everything is connected to Wall Street to some extent
      Own Your Future: How to Think Like an Entrepreneur and Thrive in an Unpredictable Economy by Paul Brown et al
      Business Brilliant: Surprising Lessons from the Greatest Self-Made Business Icons by Lewis Schiff This book’s benefit is not in teaching someone how to be an entrepreneur – though it does that- but in team building and negotiating for corporate workers.
      Emotional Intelligence 2.0 by Travis Bradberry

   6. I like the Harvard Business Review for this sort of thing. They have great essay collections and podcasts.

      (Sorry if this appears twice – my first comment disappeared).

4. Those of you who had a friend breakup, what was the cause?

   I’m the poster from a while ago whose best friend’s boyfriend wanted a 3-friend gardening party on a road trip we’d gone on together, and they’d jointly fantasized and discussed it for the months leading up to the trip. The boyfriend wanted matching tattoos at the beginning of the trip since it would be so ‘epic,’ which I’m so glad now I didn’t agree to. He also threw a temper tantrum day #3 when best friend told him she no longer wanted to go through with it, and then was mean to both of us the rest of the day. Meanwhile, I was the bad guy for being hurt by the situation, telling my own boyfriend about it, and trying to explain to her why it had made me uncomfortable. Was then accused of trying to ruin what was a special and important relationship fantasy for them.

   But even so, I still get so sad thinking about how many years I spent thinking of her as my soulmate and how many amazing memories we had together. Ugh. It’s so hard.

   Please tell me your stories – would love to hear what kinds of rifts others have experienced.

   1. Friend A and I were single professional friends in a city where it seems like all 25YOs were married. We were practically connected at the hip. She got married. Then it seemed that she didn’t socialize with me because I was single (but would socialize with married people). She wanted to get pregnant and it seemed that that wasn’t immediately happening. I did get married; she came to my wedding. We were eventually pregnant at the same time, until I lost the baby in a gruesome pregnancy (subchorionic hemorrhage, baby still had a heartbeat) that eventually resulted in a missed miscarriage a month later. She basically stopped talking to me or interacting in any way. I think I must have embodied her worst nightmare, but I lived it and lived it alone except for my husband and the people I regard as my real friends. I see her around still. I guess she is now just someone I used to know (and it never dawned on me that that is a breakup song about a romantic relationship — it seems so relatable to any relationship that ends messy).

      1. That is horrible. My mom always says that most people can’t handle tragedy, as they think it’s contagious or don’t want to confront that things can happen like that in real life. Or, that they don’t know what to say and don’t realize that saying nothing at all is the worst thing you can do.

         So sorry for your loss. Hope you are managing okay now.

      2. I’m sorry for your loss, and your friend’s utter lack of sympathy.

   2. Blech. Hope your friend is out of that relationship, he sounds like a real piece of work.

      The one I always cite had to do with a road trip we went on together with her boyfriend and another friend, and she and I were sharing an air mattress on the floor of the friend we were crashing with. In the middle of the night we sleepily fought over the covers, which wasn’t the issue. The issue was that the next day she refused to speak to me. Somehow that’s the thing that opened my eyes to the larger pattern of silent treatment, “if you don’t know what you did then I don’t have to explain it to you,” being mean and cruel to me but demanding I show her “respect” anytime I was even slightly irritated when speaking to her (not even irritated *with* her! just when talking to her!), etc., etc.

      Two weeks later I met my husband, which I like to think is a strong argument for getting out of bad relationships so good ones can come along.

   3. Mine is a weird one because it is a work friendship that probably just lasted way too long, well after I had left the office and we honestly didn’t have anything in common beyond that. He and I met when we started roughly at the same time in the office and had a case together. We became friends but it was generally not a stable, supportive friendship (like my other work friendships had been) but instead was one marred by volatility and one or both of us frequently getting upset with something the other had said or did. For me in particular I began to tire of feeling unsupported, attacked, and having all my various shortcomings pointed out to me (I’m hard enough on myself as it is, I need friends who can help build me up, not tear me down). We’d also go through periods where someone would ice out the other for months at a time, which was not healthy or productive. I think I stayed in the friendship out of inertia and sadness at the thought of losing another friend (I don’t have all that many to begin with as a strong introvert, and that’s only worsened since I moved for DH’s job), but I’ve now realized that that kind of friendship is not a friendship at all, and therefore not worth trying to maintain since it just causes more stress than positivity in my life overall. I wish him the best but I’m glad I reached peace with the decision to end it.

   4. I lost two BFFs to marriage. No formal breakup really but I got tired of them only wanting to hang out if I was coupled up (one said so explicitly), even if that meant setting me up with a date, and I just pretty abruptly disconnected.
      In a third instance, my friend started an affair with my co-worker’s spouse with the explicit aim of breaking up the marriage. I was disgusted.

   5. Mine was just a case of different life choices and drifting apart over the years.

   6. Met a friend at work – female platonic. Joined at the hip for maybe five or so years. It was a great friendship through the crazy of biglaw and even outside the office. And a friendship I loved given that I had very few friends to begin with. Then it started unraveling. She got pushed out as was normal in our firm back then and went to another biglaw firm and after that it was like she was rooting for things to go south for me. I was a few years her junior and rest assured I wasn’t going to be made partner either but it definitely hurt that someone WANTED things to go poorly for me. When they did go poorly, obviously I was frantically job searching and she wanted to be very INVOLVED. Wanting details I didn’t want to discuss, bringing it up when I simply was like I thought we were getting dinner to catch a break and the conversations we used to have – not this. It hurt. I’d get together when she reached out – prob because I didn’t have many friends anyway – but what did it for me was the one time we got coffee where she legit did not look up from her phone because she was SO busy and important at her new firm. Wait she looked up once to tell me no way I could get hired at her firm. I mean I understood firm life as I was there too, if you don’t have time, don’t reach out. It was very clearly a – ha I’m doing soooo great at my job sorry you aren’t. After that I ghosted her, she ended up leaving that second firm to go back to the southern small town her parents live in, I got a job and moved to another metro area, and we heard all this about each other via Linkedin and people who know both of us. We don’t really communicate now except some random hello email once in three years.

      I still question if I was wrong. I’ve never had a best friend before and she really was it and we let something like biglaw come between us? But then part of me is like if a person is mean, they are mean – biglaw was just the excuse, if it wasn’t that it would be some other life situation so maybe it’s better I moved on and cultivated other non competitive female friendships.

   7. Longtime friend asked to spend the night at my place and ended up staying two weeks, displacing one of my kids from his bedroom. It was a tangle of excuses but basically once she was at our house for one night, I couldn’t get her to leave.

      I finally had to kick her our (she wasn’t homeless, she was just having work done on her place) and I felt resentful at her for her having lied to me the entire time. She was resentful that I caught her lying to me and called her out. The friendship is more of an acquaintanceship now.

      I don’t know what was going on in her mind to this day but there was A LOT of entitlement.

   8. My friend (a colleague) committed massive plagiarism on a matter I was leading. After she was found out, she never spoke to me again. Good riddance, but it was crazy.

   9. Feel like I’m in the midst of this right now, though I’m trying to hold onto a friendship of nearly 18 years. No explicit fighting or anything, just my friend has changed A LOT over the years and Covid stuff too. We met in law firm life, and while I knew she wasn’t going to stay – I didn’t either – her shift was to non profits etc. I have no problem with that except there’s a lot of sideways comments about selling out for the money if you stay in corporate work. And she says this full well knowing I was the kid who was reading WSJ at age five – exaggeration but not by much – like some type of corporate work was always going to be my future, even if not law firm. She needs EVERYONE to respect her interests but she doesn’t offer that back.

      And if I’m being honest the actual distance came re covid. Because of being a finance person, I’m a finance news junkie and in Jan and Feb 2020 knew that Starbucks, Marriott, Disney and others were closing down shop in China and then a few early cases occurred in NYC. I pulled back on life in March even before NBA canceled and shutdowns were announced in the US and warned friends and family, and she basically told me I was dumb as she went store to store, gym to gym, living life. And that’s now become her overall tendency no matter what I say on any issue even other than covid. She knows better on every issue, even though she doesn’t read, doesn’t follow things in detail. So I keep my mouth shut but it isn’t much of a friendship anymore. I feel bad because she did get covid in March or April in 2020 in NYC and it was a scary time – no testing, no hospital availability, and has suffered long covid. Not clear about what that involves for her but she dropped down to part time work. It hasn’t been a great friendship overall recently after YEARS of being the person I talked to, who knew my secrets. I’m just trying not to break it off so we stay casual friends even if not best friends.

      1. Just because you were wrong and over-cautious about Covid doesn’t mean your friendship has to die!

         1. Trolling is so foolish.

      2. You’re right to keep this friendship going even if casually. Friend has a lot going on – I mean long Covid causing her to work part time is a lot. Who knows under the behavior of acting like you’re a know it all, she may feel like why didn’t I stay home when friends said. Back burner this friendship but don’t cut it off. You all could be in a totally different more relaxed place in a year or two or later in life.

   10. The friend I just broke up with was supposedly doing “ethical non-monogamy” with her husband, but she asked for the arrangement because she had already cheated (with someone else who was also married) and wanted to continue being with other men. Her husband, whom I like a lot but am not close with myself, agreed to ENM but has no interest in dating anyone else and has not done so. It became more and more clear that my friend isn’t that interested in her husband, and I no longer necessarily believe her about problems in their marriage…looking back, it’s all the kind of thing someone says when they want an excuse to be crappy. She is now “in love with” someone she met online a few months ago from out of state, and wants my continued support as she gaslights her husband but keeps him around as a backup. I could go on and on with other details, but that’s the gist.

       To be clear, I don’t really have an opinion on ENM. I do know that she’s being cruel and narcissistic, and this is not how ENM is supposed to work at all.

       (Everyone who reads regularly will know who I am, and hello! Just trying to make this a bit less traceable since it’s so specific)

   11. First day of school, senior year of HS, the person who I thought of as my closest friend just stopped acknowledging me. I had been away for 3 weeks at the end of the summer, and everything was great before that. We were planning to go get tattoos together right after our 18th birthdays (4 days apart) and to room together in college or after college and pretend we are on Friends. And then first day of school, I go up to her in the hallway with a bag of souvenirs, and she just walks past me like she doesn’t see me. All of our friends silently divided between me and her without anyone explicitly acknowledging what was happening, or even speaking out loud about it. I was not only blindsided but gaslit by both her and everyone else. To this day, I have absolutely no idea what happened. The only person I am still friends with from that time period claims she was never told the reason, just went along with it to respect the ex-friend’s wishes. Unfortunately ex-friend is no longer alive, so there’s no possibility of closure.

       Anyway, I don’t really explicitly think about this much now, 20+ years later, but it recently came up in therapy and I realized the extent to which this changed the trajectory of my life. I ended up depressed my senior year of HS, and chose my college to avoid being in the same city as ex-friend, and kind of moved in the wrong direction for me generally for a while. Most importantly it really affected my ability to have close friendships. I just don’t trust anyone and have trouble sharing deeply with friends, and asking for help.

       1. Hug. I’m sorry that she treated you that way, and please understand that emotionally healthy people don’t act like that.

       2. This happened to me in middle school. I get that 12 year old girls can’t reasonably be expected to approach friendships in healthy, mature ways all of the time, so I don’t “blame” this friend like I would if she was older. But it really, really hurt me and set the stage for years and years of insecurity in friendships and low self esteem.

   12. I wrote about one such rift here and got very good advice. The event that precipitated this was her getting snotty to me about my wedding: she said my marriage and wedding were not as important as hers because I got married later in life. I was her bridesmaid and travelled for her shower and wedding; she didn’t even congratulate me when I got married.

       Needless to say, that wasn’t a one-off. She had been projecting her own insecurities and failings into me for years. She was full of zingers and insults and put downs, all under the guise of being truthful.

       Tl;dr – she’s just a (expletive).

   13. Back in college I had a car and my friend didn’t. She asked if I could give her a ride for a quick errand picking something up at a store. I told her I need to pick up my dry cleaning by 5:00 since I was flying out to a last-minute job interview the next morning. She says no problem, her errand will be super fast, but it’s time sensitive so she needs me to stop at the cleaners on the way back.

       We pull into the strip mall for her “quick errand” and it’s a waxing appointment! I tell her I don’t think I have time for this but she jumps out of the car and insists it will only take five or ten minutes. Half an hour later she finally emerges. At that point it was rush hour and I couldn’t pick up my dry cleaning in time. It really sucked rushing to the cleaners the next morning with minutes to spare before my flight. But mostly I felt lied to and used. I stopped talking to her after that.

   14. Early on in COVID, I was VERY isolated. I’d moved to live with my parents and wasn’t doing great. A friend of mine was driving across the state with his friend to buy a car and would be in my parents’ town. They/he agreed to get lunch with me (outside, socially distanced- I was/am very high risk). I was so excited- it would be the first time I’d seen anyone but my family in person in three months. Texted him around 8 AM morning of to confirm our meeting spot. No response. Texted him at 10:30 or so. No response. Next day he finally texts me back “Oh, sorry, we forgot, lol- hope you didn’t go?” I texted with him once or twice more during the pandemic but that was pretty much it.

       1. I’m so sorry; this story hurt just to read. I have no idea what happened but that was NOT the way to apologize and I would not be able to get over this.

   15. I had a bad breakup with a longtime friend (who started out as a work friend) and although I wasn’t willing to admit it at the time, I am now convinced she had addiction issues that she managed to hide from me for a long time before things just got completely out of control. One of the last straws in the friendship was when I paid $8,000 to bail her out of jail on a DUI charge, and then she disappeared not long after. We attempted to reconcile some months later but that ended in a rather spectacular blowup and that was that. I still feel sad about the whole thing.

   16. A rupture that’s healed but the friendship hasn’t been the same.

       Friend stopped talking to me because I didn’t call her to empathise when Lehman collapsed. Her husband worked there. To provide context, I had been calling or texting her every week in the lead up to check in. I live on the other side of the world. I had a one year old and was preparing for his birthday party. And she was mad at me because I didn’t call.

       We later patched up …because I reached out. But I was shaken and our friendship has never been the same. It hurts since we’ve been besties since our teens.

       And all these years, I’ve always had to be the one initiating contact because “she’s just not that good at long distance stuff”.

5. I know many or most people did this a few years ago but after three years fully WFH, I need to go back to the office two days per week. Tips? I feel SO inefficient getting out the door even for regular things, let alone work where I have to be reasonably timely. And now I’ll be driving in the DC area rather than taking Metro. Just feels like it takes me forever to go anywhere due to inefficiency and being covid worried still so it’s all about making through my apartment building, not touching every handle out the door, sanitizing removing mask in the car. Like it all seems daunting so I’ll take tips on anything from getting out the door in the morning to dealing with lunch now that many places in my work area are closed to commute or anything else.

   1. Therapy.

      1. Yes this.

         Pack a lunch the night before and walk out of your house with it.

         You’re struggling to leave you home you need professional help.

      2. Helpful thanks.

      3. Today I learned that therapy provides lunch…

   2. Give yourself time. It sounds like you have been at home longer and more intensely than many others, but a lot of us had a similar transition when going out more, getting back into the habit of commuting etc. Depending on your personal situation, you will either get used to the more cautious ways of going about your day and they will become habit, and/or you will drop some habits (e.g. most people don’t think anymore about touching door handles -ymmv).
      Most people went through a similar transition when they went back to the office, now it’s your turn, and some transition pains are normal but temporary.

   3. Just take it a day at a time. Expect you’ll be slow the first week. You’ll be surprised how fast it becomes easy again.

   4. Just wash your hands when you get to your desk, and again before eating. Have a hand sanitizer in your bag. You don’t need to not touch anything. You’re driving so it’s not like you’re packed in on a bus with people sneezing on you, right? So get some fun audio books and podcasts lined up and the commute will work itself out.

      Sure, wear a mask while you’re at work, if you are worried. No big deal.

      Bring your own lunch. Were you eating out every day in the past?! I guess if you can afford that you can afford buying premade easy lunches too if making a lunch seems daunting. Frozen Amy’s stuff, trader joes salads etc.. And you’re driving – so easy to carry each day.

      It will take time to figure out how early you need to get up / get out there. But you’ll get used to it. You did it before. And just think how luxurious your at home days will feel!

   5. For lunch, meal prepping is your best bet. I like to make a BudgetBytes recipe each week and then eat leftovers over the course of the week.

      Lay out your clothes the night before. Pack your lunch the night before. Pack your bag the night before. Have everything ready in the morning. Streamline your morning routine. Set the timer on the coffee maker the night before. Wear the same make up every day so it’s easy and quick to do.

      I’ve never had a driving commute, so I can’t comment on that. Are you able to park in the same lot every day (and buy a pass) or are you looking for street parking? If you’re concerned about timeliness, I would eat the cost and get a pass in a garage to save time. Are you unable to take the metro because you moved or your job relocated, because the metro is a hot mess, or are you avoiding it for COVID reasons? If resuming the metro is a possibility, I’d look into that. I sometimes get nervous when I’m driving or walking somewhere because if I’m late that’s on me, but with public transportation it’s out of my hands so it is what it is. If I’m late because the red line forced me to offload at Dupont and now I am walking the rest of the way to the office, then so be it. If I’m late because I’m stuck in beltway traffic I am so anxious while I’m sitting on the beltway.

      Over the past 3 years – how much have you left the house for non-work reasons? Does leaving the house and commuting feel daunting because it’s related to work or because you haven’t left home in 3 years?

      If you have any appetite for going in more than 2x a week, I find it WAY easier to get back in the swing of things when I go in 4 days a week. My employer only requires I come in 3x but that level of hybrid makes it hard for me to feel like I’m truly in the office and I end up showing up at 9:10 every day. On weeks I make myself go in 4 or 5 days a week I am on time and things feel much more routine and easier for me.

      It might feel a little weird at first but you literally did this 5x a week every week until the pandemic, so you should get back in the swing of things relatively quickly.

      Also, I would consider easing up on some of your apartment building COVID precautions, but you do you. Obviously everything is easier the more streamlined it is, so if you’re masking and sanitizing and trying to not touch things that will add time and stress to your routine.

   6. Are you worried about catching COVID from surfaces? I am not sure that is something you should worry this much about. Fomite transmission of COVID is something they worried about before they realize it was airborne. People were catching it in empty rooms so they thought it must be via touch, but really it was floating aerosols. So what matters is masking, and if you are wearing a mask, how are you going to touch your mouth or nose with your hands anyway? Just wash your hands or sanitize them before removing your mask.

      Working in the office is less efficient than WFH, so try not to compare to your recent WFH standards. Remember this was normal before.

      1. tbh, this has changed for me the more I’ve been hybrid. At first I was less efficient in the office bc everyone was so chatty. That has calmed down as people have settled into a routine. I would say I’m now back to being equally efficient.

      2. “Working in the office is less efficient than WFH”

         Nope. That depends on your job. My job is very much less efficiently done if other people are WFH, whether that’s me at home or the people I need to talk to that are at home.

         I had colleagues WFH before the pandemic as well, and those were the worst projects. Sure, some of that was due to my office not being set up for lots of WFH, but I get less and less of a WFH fan as the years go in terms of what I’d prefer.

6. Question: when your stomach hurts, what do you do or take to make it feel better? How do you troubleshoot to see what the problem is?

   I’ve mostly been blessed with an OK stomach but my 8 yo son seems to have frequent bouts of stomach pain. He’s autistic so he isn’t the most communicative. (Most autistics have gut problems so doctors are pretty unhelpful in general.)

   When I’m not feeling well I take Advil, drink peppermint tea, use a heated water bottle, then once I’m feeling better eat as many fermented things I can for the active cultures.

   1. I rule things in or out based on the kind of pain and whether or not it causes me any trouble in the bathroom (and what kind). I can’t see as how heat or peppermint tea would hurt, so maybe offer your son those things first?

      Are you looking into possible food intolerances as well?

   2. Real Coke, McDonald’s fries or other potato, a bagel with honey, a banana.

      1. Ha, McDonald’s fries and a Coke are my hangover remedies.

         1. A mcDonalds real coke is also my headache cure. The fries are probably not necessary, but always required

            1. Me too on the real Coke for headache cures, preferably McDonalds Coke. When I have my once a month hormonal headache-migraine, if I start drinking coke right away in the morning and sipping it throughout the day that can go a long way to making it go away. If I did that any other day of the month, I’d never be able to sleep.

      2. +1 to real coke and fries.

   3. Does his stomach actually hurt (like from illness or indigestion) or is it just his way of expressing stress/nerves/anxiety/etc?

      1. +1

         And similarly, sometimes pain in another part of the body – like a headache – or even fatigue can be described as a stomach ache. This is actually shown cross culturally.

         Sometimes it is just worth doing some basic troubleshooting yourself if the doctors are unhelpful.

         Very common causes of abdominal pain are simply gas (which honestly, can be REALLY painful, but is usually very brief), reflux and constipation. So avoiding things that can cause a lot of gas (carbinated drinks, chewing gum, eating too fast or while talking, gas producing foods – look at the FOODMAP diet and see if you can find triggers) or avoiding things that can cause reflux (caffeine/tomatoes/greasy foods etc..) or attacking common causes of constipation (not drinking enough fluids, not active enough, not enough fiber) are strategies that can be tried…. one at a time… and see what helps.

         Miralax can be a lifesaver for a simple safe way of avoiding constipation, used often in kids. But if you are able to narrow the discomfort down to constipation I would see a pediatric GI once for some additional advice/pointers.

      2. Yes, this is an important thing to find out.
         Stress and anxiety often manifest as physical symptoms…

   4. I don’t have one go-to remedy, for me it depends on why my stomach hurts…
      ASD can make things challenging, especially when it comes down to getting to the root cause of something.
      If you haven’t already, maybe try keeping a pain diary where you note what was going on before the pain starts and then seeing what common denominators could be eliminated?

   5. Mine are often food sensitivities that only appear when pollen counts are high. I get them without standard allergy symptoms like sniffles. Antihistamines help.

   6. My kids sometimes get gas pains and I give them ILU massage (web search the term!). Helps with gas and constipation. It’s a belly rub basically and helps the gas get through the system. If your son is comfortable with touch, that may help?

      1. This is a great idea.

   7. Can he show you where it hurts? Lower left is likely digestive, if it’s gas try not going too long between meals (I spent years getting excruciating activity-limiting stomach aches around 6 pm until I finally realized it was gas and if I ate a bigger afternoon snack I wouldn’t get one! Having my stomach get too empty between meals is a huge trigger.) . If it’s really really bad, like crumpled up on the floor bad, as the doctor to consider gallstones. They are not common in boys that age but my poor brother had them for almost 10 years, undiagnosed , before finally getting his gallbladder out in high school.

      Most likely it’s some kind of digestive issue, so apart from more frequent meals you could look at whether he’s eating FODMAPs that bother him, lactose intolerance etc. then heating pad, warm tea, or curling up in a ball to squeeze gas out.

   8. I’m a colon cancer survivor so probably not all that helpful, but big thing for me is looking at triggers. Avoid sparking water or soda, minimize dairy, and avoid things hard to digest like popcorn or cauliflower or broccoli or high fiber. A daily Metamucil cookie has helped a lot. Get some walking in and manage stress. Pull in a gastroenterologist instead of relying solely on primary care. You’ll want to rule out any intolerances.

   9. Doctors statistically discriminate against autistic patients. The “gut problems” autistic patients get should be properly worked up and diagnosed, same as any other patient. I believe you that doctors are being unhelpful though.

      The work up I received included tests for high or low stomach acid, fast or slow motility, immune deficiency, and food intolerance. Each of those tests found a problem, so now my stomach does okay on treatment.

      1. Super helpful suggestions for tests thank you. We’re there blood tests? Stool? I guess we need to connect with a Gastro.

   10. Have proper tests to rule out Celiac.

       He might be in literal pain, or it could be an expression of something else, but if he can’t tell you, you’re doing him a disservice to offer peppermint, probiotics or fiber as something soothing.

   11. Op here – thank u guys, lots of helpful ideas. He’s more loose stool than constipated, and he complained first thing in the morning. He does have GAD and is medicated for it; he definitely gets anxiety stomachaches sometimes. He’s been having a rough few weeks behaviorally so it’s possible it’s anxiety but it could also be a chicken/egg problem where his behavior has been lousy because he feels lousy. Hmmn.

   12. My son is neurotypical but his stomach would hurt when he was stressed out when he was in elementary school. I taught him how to breathe into his belly and that would help.

7. How do you differentiate between just being tired and catching up on sleep vs a depression resurgence?

   1. For me it’s how I feel after a good night of sleep – if I sleep 9-10 hours I should feel refreshed and energetic (after waking up, not necessarily right when the alarm goes off). If I don’t, then there’s more going on than sleep deprivation.

   2. I would look for other symptoms that you know for the past often accompany your depression.

      For example, irritability or less interest in things you usually like to do etc… All of us are different.

      Sometimes, just asking a friend or family member who knows you well what they think. Often the people who know you well pick up on it before you are willing to admit it to yourself!

8. I went to a small regional law school. I did well enough my first semester to get a good-ish summer job (nonpaying internship; worked nights answering phones). I never thought I was good enough and had major imposter syndrome, which I channeled into just working my butt off the whole time. I seem to pass as not-first-generation-off-the-trailer park, but that’s what I am. Most of my school friends didn’t take my path and we are each happy. But I feel truly lonely at work — I don’t go to country clubs or play golf. And people always ask me about my “success,” which is awkward. I see that I did what I could, which was work as hard as I could, show up and network because I read about that in a magazine (I certainly had no one really inviting me, especially when I was younger), proofread my work, and be nice to everyone. I guess it’s meant as a compliment, but I get the feeling what it’s really meant as I shouldn’t have things turn out as they have (which is largely luck, timing, and really not giving up and pivoting when the market and economy changed again and again). Is this just still having imposter syndrome? How do you ever say “these are learnable skills and I learned then and many people can” or “maybe we shouldn’t label people so much”? I think it’s wild that in healthcare and accounting, people just do jobs and you don’t know their pedigree. Why is law so obsessed with it?

   1. Are the people asking about your “success” the people you work with or the people from your community you came from? Because I have been there (first person in the family to go to college; left small Southern town for the big city, etc.) and the implications are very different.

      For people in your current life, they are looking for you to validate their belief that anyone can succeed through hard work or have bought into the idea that class is destiny (oddly common among liberals) and are genuinely surprised. For those people, you say something along the lines of “I was lucky to have [insert something relevant here: parents, community, mentors, etc.].” If it is people from your old community, they want assurance you do not think you are better than them and have not “gotten too far above your raising”. For those people you just say you are a very lucky woman and give kudos (if applicable) to anything or anyone who helped you. I tend to go with “I feel blessed” (not because I actually think God favored me more than others but because it tends to shut down the conversation).

      What you never say is I did it and so could anyone else to either group. It supports the bootstrap myth or insults the people from your old life. And frankly it is not true. It also undercuts your achievement. What you think of as luck and “doing what you could” is what my Grandmother would have called gumption. People born into privilege can do without it; people not born into privilege cannot succeed unless they have it. It is rare, hard to teach and is something you should take pride in while also acknowledging that is it like perfect pitch. Some people just don’t have it.

      Finally, my experience with accounting and medicine (particularly physicians) is that they very much do care about background, but that might just be the people I know.

      1. OP here: I think it is people in my current circles being a little too amazed, like I shouldn’t be here and it is just surprising that I am. Hometown circles (I’m still FB friends with my grade school friends and we converse a lot) are not like this.

         1. Ugh. Sorry! I have experienced this and it is (at least in my liberal city) generally the result of people who have really bought into the idea that the “pull yourself up by the bootstrap” ideology is a myth and that the route to success in American is through having been born into success. It is a way to both explaining entrenched inequities (which are obviously real) and excusing lack of effort (which is also real; and I am not trying to offend anyone but my home town is ground zero for the current drug epidemic and I have minimal patience left for people who do not want help and will not help themselves – and yes I understand the relationship between economic inequity and drug use, but after the third overdose and the second time the kids ended up in foster care I stopped caring).

            Of course your surprised people might equally well be of the “you don’t belong in our exclusive little club” variety, which is also insulting and difficult to live with.

            I do not have a lot of suggestions. You can try to pass (it is not that hard) as someone born into the middle class (people with enough money for vacations but who send their kids to public school and don’t head to Europe every summer). Or you can invite a discussion about why they are surprised if they are open enough about it to invite conversation. I also find that I bond really well with children of immigrants (or immigrants themselves but those are less common in my workplace).

            My only warning it to be sure that this is not your self-consciousness talking. I definitely got those vibes from a co-worker once and then found out I had completely misread him (he was very awkwardly trying to make conversation because he wanted to ask me out!)

            Good luck

   2. I think you are simply being stereotyped by people around you, and I’m sorry that you’re experiencing that!

   3. There are too many lawyers, which leads to very arbitrary line drawing.

9. Re the featured bag… it is all over Italy (or at least Rome, Florence, and Venice last summer) in the no-name leather purses for tourists stores. I bought one in cream – 25 Euros – and get tons of compliments. But knowing this, would not spend $225 for it and feel smart and affirmed in my souvenir shopping ways.

10. I was today years old when I realized my ideal body shape is the nonexistent blond Amazon/dropship model. Halp.

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