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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
I’m not big into celebrating St. Patrick’s Day, but I’m always looking for an excuse to wear emerald, so bring it on. This ruffle tie-neck blouse from Loft is such a beautifully cheery hue as we (hopefully) dig out from our last big snowstorm of the year in the Northeast and transition into spring.
This would look lovely with a pair of white pants and a navy blazer for a spring-y business casual look or tucked into a pleated midi for a more relaxed outfit.
The top is $59.95 full price at Loft — but 30% off today with code — and comes in sizes XXS–XXL. It also comes in “vibrant yellow.”
Sales of note for 10.10.24
- Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
- Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
- Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
- White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles
Anon
Any recommendations for white trousers for business casual wear? Thanks in advance!
Anon
Ann Taylor has a pair of white leg pants with side zip. They are high waist, but not crazily high, and lined. They are a soft white, not a bright white. Lined. I haven’t worn them yet, and I needed to get them hemmed, but I see lots of wear in my future as long as I don’t spill coffee or hot sauce on them first.
ELS
Is the lining effective in making them opaque?
Anon
I have had AT and Loft white jeans and pants that re unlined. They are not translucent and I generally go +1 size from my normal size. I wear with beige (nude for me) UW and don’t have a problem (and that is what I buy in multiples, so I don’t wear special UW for just these pants, but woudn’t wear black underneath either).
Anon
White pants, coffee, disaster waiting to happen . . .
Anon
Yeah. I was also thinking about just walking from our garage at work into work in a busy city. There’s no way I could keep them clean.
pugsnbourbon
I deeply, deeply envy people who can wear white and ivory and look pristine.
I bought a white t-shirt for and it stayed in my dresser for a year bc I was too worried about ruining it to wear it.
Anne-on
I have a price ceiling for white clothes – $50 and under only. I am a perpetually clumsy person with a child and multiple pets, there is almost no way anything white is going to survive unscathed. I still consider it a minor miracle my wedding dress wasn’t stepped on/stained/ripped!
Anon
It’s not just being clumsy but being around other people who are clumsy! My bf will always spill food on himself and possibly me.
Anon
I wore mine and ruined it that day, so now it’s an undershirt I guess.
Anon
Wearer of white here. The secret is to buy white in only 100% cotton or 100% linen. Those will take whatever harsh stain removal you need to do. And not anything that must be dry cleaned. Dry cleaning will yellow the white eventually, although I’ve had decent luck with clothing that ought to be dry cleaned by occasionally giving it an oxyclean soak and a good wash and otherwise sending it to the dry cleaners. And not white silk which I swear will yellow if you so much as look at it wrong.
Anon
Yes! Bleach is your friend, but you have to buy fabrics that can be bleached.
That said, I also have several cotton shirts that used to be white and are now whatever color of RIT fabric dye caught my eye.
Anon
This! I can keep white cotton or linen pristine for far longer than synthetic fabrics of any hue.
Anonymous
Yes. And somehow cheap white never looks good anyway. Spend the money.
Anonymous
i think kat just updated the white pants roundup, it’s on the thingy at the top of the page
Anon
The secret to wearing white is to just be careful. I am not an inherently neat person. When I wear something that would be ruined by a stain, I wear something over it when I eat and if I do get food on it, I immediately try to wash it out. It’s really not a secret or difficult skill.
Anonymous
Are white trousers even business casual? I just think white pants are so ugly, I wouldn’t wear them to work.
Anon
+1 I never see them in a look that wouldn’t look better with some other pants. Don’t get me started on white shoes
Carrots
Responding to the Anon who asked yesterday afternoon about if it’s just catching up on sleep or a depression resurgence. Someone else said check in on the other symptoms and that’s a good indicator for me. I keep a super tidy apartment, so if I look around and see that it’s gotten a bit messy. Or if I stop and pause and think about the last time I really sat and read a book (even before bed). So, it’s not just am I sleeping a lot, but am I actively participating in other aspects of my life besides the bare necessities.
Anon
That was me!
I’m one of the posters who is in grad school while working, so TBH this is hard for me to gauge. I don’t have time or energy normally to keep my apartment as clean as I’d like or to spend time reading for fun (so. much. assigned. reading.) or doing other things I like.
What made me reconsider if it’s tiredness or depression was that for the last few days when my alarm has gone off I’m so tired that I have to hit snooze and sleep for another half hour and even then it’s a struggle to get up. This happens when I’m super exhausted and when I’m depressed, and during the semester (or right after when I’m catching up on sleep) it’s really hard to tell which!
Anon
Also, it is the week after a time change, so may of us are struggling with getting out of bed this week.
Anon
Oh that is such a good point, thank you!
I saw some Tweets last night of many people commenting that this time change hit them much harder than previous ones.
Anon
I’m having a really hard time with this time change. This is the first morning I’ve gotten up before 9am!
Anon
Anyone have a promo code for MM Lafleur or Cuyana you can share?
Frank & Eileen?
I really like the Frank and Eileen Anna sweatshirt but $220 is a little steep. Other similar brands you all like? Looking for something to wear on some long haul flights. Or alternatively if someone has it and it’s worth the money please comment.
Cat
Dudley Stephens? They have occasional sales to bring the price point down a bit.
Cat
oh, some colors of the Cobble Hill are on sale – it is perfect for cozy sleep on a cold plane w the loose-fit turtleneck. https://www.dudley-stephens.com/collections/end-of-season-sale
Anon
I live in Dudley Stephens!
Anon
Purposely frayed hems on a $220 sweatshirt?? I could never
Anon
I have an Ice Breakers wool hoodie for long haul flights that is not as stylish but infinitely more functional, imo.
Anonymous
This may sound silly but I got an old Russell sweatshirt off eBay for $25 and it is PERFECT for this. Get the one with the raglan style sleeves. Really cozy.
Anon
Yes, my trusted GAP sweatshirt dress is the best.
Anon
I’m trying to move to merino wool (like Wool &) and other natural fibers where possible. I am finding that often items come in muted colors. Muted colors are great, but as a ruddy-skinned rosacea-plagued brunette, they are the devil on me, particularly near my face. I get that dyes can be very bad chemicals, so if anyone knows some good places to check out that have items in winter-type colors, that would be great. Wool & has black, which is awesome, but I’d like to be a little less Moira Rose in my color pallette.
Anne-on
Check out Brooks Brothers, Boden, Sezanne, and other european stores. I picked up a few cardigans at Boden in the 25% off sale and 2 are 100% merino and the other is 100% cotton. The merino ones are here: https://www.bodenusa.com/en-us/merino-cropped-rib-cardigan-emerald-night/sty-k0770-mgr
Anon
This is where I wish we still had a shopping website that could search by color the way Polyvore used to! Not “blue” but specific hues and saturation.
In past years, merino and cashmere have been bright and saturated. I think you’re just coming across what retailers are selling now. It doesn’t work for my skin tone either!
go for it
Following with interest!
I just received the wool& Kalle dress and it is outstanding in fit and quality of construction. My answer to the black dilemma is a bright scarf or an super thin sleeve as an offset to brighten near my face…plus lip stain.
Cat
Talbots’ non-neutral colors are often too bright for me so may be perfect for you!
Anon
Ha — I think that they are often perfect for my dark-blonde sister who is a summer. But coming out of winter, even I am tired of black and want some colors. Just not any muted cornflower blues.
Anon
Talbots colors are definitely not the answer for my winter coloring.
Anon
Uniqlo wool sweaters come in bright colors. Also look at Woolovers.
pugsnbourbon
Uniqlo has some linen shirts and cotton tops in brighter, more saturated colors.
Anon
I hear you. Every winter I look forward to which lux cashmere scarves will be offered in the colors that actually flatter my winter coloring. Again, this year…. it was none.
Usually at least I can find another boring black or a deep navy. But it’s also amazing how hard it can be to find a good blue.
pugsnbourbon
I don’t know if it’s particularly luxurious, but check out the cashmere at Lands End. They usually do a brighter blue or green.
Anonymous
For scarves look at Paul Smith – or also DVF scarves on resale sites.
Anonymous
Elie Tahari currently has bright and saturated colors, I think they are trending.
Anon
J Crew has or had cashmere in the colors of the rainbow. I’m also a rosacea prone brunette and I bought two shades of purple this year. Lands end has some colors as well, and they have better cashmere.
I am not seeing the rainbow in merino, unfortunately.
Anon
I am not that old, but my feet are wrecked. I am oddly following Camilla Parker-Bowles (not sure that is even her name — IIRC she has been long remarrried). Can any British people discuss Eliot Zed or Sole Bliss for shoes? I’m looking for everything post-COVID — feet have high arches, hate standing on hard floors for very long, etc. Work would be first priority, but I also need to replace my sandals-to-wear-with-dresses sandals (vs utility sandals like Keens). If it works for the grandparents, it should work for my tired aching feet I think. Not sure if they sell in the US.
Cat
Sole Bliss has a US webs-te and free shipping – give it a whirl!
Anon
Can’t comment on these brands, but if you’re looking for something more accessible in the U.S. look into Clarks (if you haven’t already).
My 68 year old aunt is a waitress and she wears the more utilitarian clarks for her serving shifts (so older woman, on her feet for hours). I wear some of their cuter styles to the office or as cute sandals with dresses out to dinner.
Anon
I can’t help on the shoes but have a weird level of knowledge of British Royal Family titles – she’s Queen Camilla now! (That is her technical title – they seem to be calling her Queen Consort to differentiate her from Queen Elizabeth but I believe its been reported they will drop the Consort after the coronation in May.)
Anon
It took me a while as a child to grasp the difference between a queen consort and a queen regnant. Once you go regnant, you cannot go back, so I cut my princess phase very short. IIRC we lived overseas and went an Anglican church (whiskeypalian in the US) and the people there kept calling me Victoria (not my name) and explained that it was a great name (my sister is Elizabeth, which they remembered easily). I kept saying “not a queen” and they were all “but it is good to be a queen who rules.” And ruling vs just looking good, was appealing to me at 7.
Confused
This story lost me. What are you trying to say?
Trixie
My go-to comfort brands at my age of 68 with sore feet almost all the time are Naot and Earth. The arch support and shock absorption are excellent. I also hate standing on hard surfaces for a long time, enough so that I have been known to sit on the floor in airports etc. Really. I also look at Eb@y for these brands and that works well for me.
Anon
I’m used to Naot being Birkenstock-adjacent. If they have work shoes, I will revisit them. I love Birks, but they can’t go to the office with me absent another neuroma acting up.
Anonymous
What?! Please just reread and edit your posts we are begging you
spring 108
OP, I think you’re fine. In my opinion it’s really not imperative that blog comments are perfectly edited and sometimes are just stream of consciousness written out and posted. I kind of like the extra information; it makes it more interested than just Q and A here. You have a clear question in your third sentence that others clearly seemed to be able to comprehend perfectly well.
Anon
There’s no “we” here. Knock it off.
Anonymous
You don’t speak for me. Maybe examine why you feel the need to create a fake group of disgust, because it’s looking like you want to make the person feel bullied. Very Mean Girls, and I find that really sad.
Anon
I find it hard to believe that anyone who posts here is not fully capable of reading and understanding this. If you don’t prefer to, it’s easy to opt out.
anonshmanon
do you mean Anon at 10:20?
Anonymous
No, I understood that one perfectly. I too would prefer to be a queen regnant rather than a queen consort. Perhaps empress regnant!
Anon
There was nothing wrong with her post; I understood exactly what she was asking for. At this point, your repeated criticisms of her posts feel like targeted bullying – like you’re picking on her. Ask yourself why you’re feeling the need to do this. If you read something and don’t like how it’s worded, just keep scrolling. What you’re doing is a very bad look for you. I hope you don’t treat people like this IRL.
Also begging
I join in the begging for clarity. I can’t take (take=handle not take=steal LOL not threatening you) the rambly, parenthetical (or sometimes bracket) laden stream of consciousness (OMG, but did you guys see the interview with the guy on NPR the other day about the meditation techniques because IIRC it addressed some of what I’m dealing with) this poster’s incomprehensible way of asking questions anymore. Many people have given feedback, some of it quite kind. When your posting style is so distinctively confusing that every post you make prompts someone to ask for clarification, that’s a communication issue on your part and others are doing you a favor by pointing it out. There are no mean girls here, except maybe me for mocking the poster’s writing style in my second sentence.
Anon
Check out SAS shoes. They’re made in San Antonio. They used to be a client of mine and I visited where they make the shoes – by hand – and the quality is simply fantastic. They’re designed for comfort and helping folks with foot issues and they’ve been focusing on recent years on being a bit more fashionable. Simply top notch quality and a great company.
Anon
OP here — I actually have a pair from them. I like them, but IMO they read a bit more casual than what I need for work. They are good and going on 5 years. My grandmother wore the putty colored lace-ups and they are FUGLY but I tried them on and there is a reason that people buy them. I just can’t. Not yet. But you are right about them — great products!
Anon
You should look into a custom orthotic for your high arches. Then you don’t necessarily have to buy comfort brand shoes.
If you have insurance, it should cover your spot my with a podiatrist and the orthotic.
This has made all the difference for me.
Anon
* spot my = appointment
Anon
ABEO has a high arch line.
But Vionics might be enough for you if they’re easier to find or if you like the styles better.
Both those brands make sandals as well as work shoes.
Cora
Yesterdays thread about people breaking up with friends is scaring me. I have two very good friends from college – the three of us lived together at one point, have a group chat, have travelled together, etc etc. One friend recently got married and the other one recently engaged. I’m single, and honestly am not really sure if I want to get married or even be with anyone long term.
The married friend I know it’ll be fine with – she’s been dating her husband for a long time and we all get along great, I’ve “third wheeled” them a million times with no issue, just not concerned.
The engaged friend I’m a little worried about. She was single for a while and very unhappy about it, and got engaged within a year of meeting this guy. He seems nice, they seem like a strong couple, when you know you know I guess. But she’s super into doing couples dates and couples dinners and all, and I’m nervous that she’s going to be so excited about being able to do those that she’ll leave me out.
I don’t think I have a point here, just ranting a bit.
Anon
This is so weird to me! I noticed quite a few comments on the recent threads about single friends being dropped my coupled friends and I’m grateful this is something I’ve not experienced. I have some friends who bring their partners to everything, which is annoying but fine, and other friends with long term boyfriends I’ve met like once. I don’t think I’ve ever heard of any of my friends want to double date or do a couples thing that excludes single friends (we usually just joke that our dates are the other single friends!).
I’m sorry that this is happening to so many here! It just seems so weird to me when people suddenly think they can only hang out with other coupled people?
Since your confident the recently married friend is still committed to being your friend, could you express your concerns with recently engaged friend to her and have her run a little interference?
anonshmanon
what exactly is the allure of double dates anyway?
Anon
Sadly, I have some female friends that don’t want to be away from their new partner … at all…. or they give up a lot of their individual hobbies/interests once they partner up…. or who have more needy (controlling….?) partners who don’t like to be left out. So the “easy” solution is going out with other couples, I guess?
It is very common to lose many friends as they couple off. More so when they get married/buy the house/have kids. It does come down to time, and priorities. And many of us change with age/time. Those young friendships often don’t last. That’s normal.
As singles, we need to be very resilient, I’m afraid. I found that having friends of all ages / stages of life helps these transition years. I LOVE having older women friends that I learn so much from and who keep me hopeful, and I LOVE having younger women friends that keep me active and optimistic from a youthful perspective.
Anon
I’ll bite. It’s just fun to go out in a group and my husband and I have “couple friends” we regularly have weekend dinners and dinner parties with. It’s more fun because there are cross friendships. In our case, I’m friends with the wives and our husbands hit it off and have independent friendships. So when we get together, everyone looks forward to it and had a good time. That’s the allure, so to speak. I still regularly see my single girlfriends and married ones who aren’t married to people who clicked as couple friends all the time both without and with my husband.
Anon
But the group can include other couples and single people. What is the benefit of it being all couples?
Anon
I wonder the same. I can almost understand if you want 2 couples and say not a 5th single, if both couples know each other well. But to restrict an entire party/gathering to only couples, especially since they all mix/mingle anyway… that one really hurts.
Anon
In my case, my single friends are not friends with my couple friends. It’s not a case of the brunch girls pairing off and then excluding the single ones, it’s different groups. I was single for decades so believe me I get it and think that would absolutely be hurtful.
Anon
Unless they are partner-swapping, I don’t know why you need pairs for anything but tennis. I have definitely seen this type before.
anon
First, once you reach your late twenties it’s perfectly normal to get engaged within a year. If you both know what you’re looking for then why hold off for some arbitrary amount of time?
Onto your question: some people will be up their own you-know-what while wedding planning, and they’ll check out of friendships with singletons and couples alike. So it’s possible that she’d temporarily drift even if you were in a relationship. My advice is the same either way. Make an effort to schedule one on one hangouts, arrange plans with both of these couples so she sees that you can all have fun together, and show an interest in her wedding. Don’t take it personally if you’re the one initiating plans for a while, she’s likely busy and distracted. After the wedding if she’s still distant or leaving you out then you’re better off without her.
Cora
I actually do have plans with both of them next week, and I am more than interested in her wedding planning. I love event planning in general so I’m down for that.
I think part of what has made me nervous is that she’s started asking me “so are you seeing anyone?” or randomly texting “hows it going with that guy” much more than usual. Before we’d talk about it of course, in detail sometimes, but it was not the main topic.
Anonie
I wouldn’t interpret the questions as a sign…when I first realized my relationship with my now-husband was serious (quite early on) I became super interested in asking my single friends about their dating lives. I thought I was showing interest in them and also it was so odd and bizarre to have spent so much time being in the dating trenches with them and then suddenly being part of a couple. It felt like a way to relate and also the dating stories become more fun once you an observer versus a (in my case) stressed-out participant.
I have leaned out from asking these types of questions because I realized I was putting pressure on my single friends. But there was a bit of a learning curve for me.
Cora
Oh that makes sense. I could definitely see this being what she is thinking. I know dating stories are just entertaining and that’s fine to ask for. And if its a funny story I’m happy to tell. But yeah its a bit of pressure too.
Ellen
You are very lucky that you found him. I spent a lot of time thinking that Alan, my ex, would grow up and become responsible. But he never did and I wound up finally dumping him after my Dad showed me the light. I do not miss him or the bad s-x, either.
Monday
Yeah, I wouldn’t like this either if I were you. She’s showing signs of being one of those friends who thinks your being single is 1) a problem or intrigue, that 2) you need her help with.
Anon
Does she think you are actively searching for a partner? Does she know you are unsure about marriage or long term relationships? If not, she might think she’s just being thoughtful or helpful. If you’ve shared those feeling with her, then she’s just being a brat.
Cora
I’d say I’ve mentioned it in passing but haven’t said “I am not interested in marriage” specifically. Part of the reason I haven’t said that is that she is so excited for her wedding and I don’t want to sound like I’m against the idea or something.
anon
It sounds like you’re doing everything right and being a good friend! She’s probably asking about dates to show interest in your life. If you change the subject (I’m training for a marathon, I got a big promotion at work) I bet she’s happy to discuss other topics.
My friend I were the only longtime singletons in our group and I began dating someone last year. I intentionally don’t talk about my relationship that much. I feel like she hears plenty about other people’s engagements and doesn’t need to be reminded the she’s the only single person in our circle. Now that you mention it, I might ask too many questions about her dating life while trying to demonstrate that her life stage is just as interesting and meaningful.
Anon
Well, you can’t win. A number of single friends have commented that it’s even worse when people stop asking about their dating lives because they take that as a sign their friends no longer view them as dateable. So there’s that. I’d assume positive intent and interest in your life.
Anon
Fair assessment!
Anon
Co-sign all of this. I got engaged a year after meeting my husband; it really doesn’t take that long to figure things out. We were also out of time – late 30s for me and wanted kids.
Honestly, I get irked at the idea that women should wait until the last possible second to get married and have kids. (No shade on anyone, obviously, who lacks better choices – I lived that. Also not saying that women need to get married and have kids!) If you meet someone who is the right person for you, you’ve both been out in the adult world for a bit, and you have your acts together, just get engaged and get married. Procrastination for the sake of procrastination doesn’t make people’s lives better.
Ellen
I agree. I wanted kids, but my ex didn’t. He also did not want to marry me b/c I was to succesful for him. It wasn’t meant to be even tho I was very liberal when it came to providing him with s-x. FOOEY on him, anyway!
Anon
I was about to comment on that post that I didn’t really believe in friend breakups, but then I read the stories and thought those were all justified! My experience is that most friendships change over the years but it’s worth keeping people in your life. Sometimes you’ll have seasons where you’re less close – there’s a lot of team picking in your late 20s and 30s when people are having very different life experiences. Once I hit my 40s, all that softened up and in my 50s now, I’m reconnecting with a lot of friends moving into their empty nest years. I never had kids and married late in life but always kept up with my friends taking other paths and I’m very glad I did. There was a lot of room for new friends along the way and now I’m grateful for the people who knew me when too. Life is long. Absent a real values misalignment (and I do not mean political differences), I’d suggest working to stay friends. Sometimes this means you’re doing more of the work, but it’s worth it. Balance happens over time.
Anon
FWIW, I found the dropping of friends after marriage thread a little odd. My best friend is a good friend from college. She dates but is not interested in getting married or having children. I’ve been married for 5 years (my husband is also a friend of hers from college), we had a kid 3 years ago. I think after having a kid I only appreciate her more. She loves being a unofficial aunt and spoiling our kid. I love having her over for adult conversations without feeling the need to find a babysitter. She’s even coordinated with my husband for sporadic girls days where we go out and do “fun” shopping, go downtown for lunch, etc. I do not understand why anyone would assume only hanging out with other married couples is better.
Cora
This sounds lovely, I would love to be an unofficial aunt and hang out with her (or any other friends) kids!
I had a good number of aunties and uncles like this as a kid and I think it was good, maybe especially for me, to have extra adults around who I could trust and talk to but weren’t my parents.
Anonymous
I am one of the posters from yesterday who lost two friends over this. I don’t understand it either, but it happened. In one case, I think she thought I would just be so much happier if I were coupled up (like she was) and tried to set me up with her brother-in-law-to-be before the wedding, made an announcement at the rehearsal dinner that I was single and beautiful and needed to find someone, was confused how it hadn’t happened already, and put some odd pressure on me from that point on to find someone so we could hang out again. The other was more explicit and, I think, really wanted the validation of her choices being mirrored back to her. Also, since we only saw each other when she was visiting family where I live, she was always with her husband so there was no way for us to have one-on-ones. Her husband, who I only knew in that context, seemed fine with me third wheeling or bringing someone I wasn’t actually dating, but she effectively drew a line (i.e., complained when I brought a male friend because we weren’t dating and then called to inquire if we could meet on her next trip and said never mind when I said I did not have a date to bring and never reached out again) and it’s now been decades since we spoke (I have talked to her husband occasionally, though). This is not a person I expected this from at all. In fact, I was surprised by her getting married so young and surprised by her having children young, much less imposing a couple requirement upon me at a time when I was struggling to finish school, broke, and still recovering from an earlier heartbreak. I had truly thought I’d be friends with these two forever.
Anon
Oh that’s so frustrating. I think all of us know plenty of unhappy coupled up people. I’d take someone who’s comfortable in their own life and not coupled any day.
Sasha
The idea of losing friends to marriage or relationships was also really foreign to me! If it’s helpful to hear–most of my friends are married and I am the perpetual 3rd/5th/7th+ wheel and it has never been a problem. It definitely helps that I have individual friendships with my friends’ husbands as well but I never been excluded or left out of things because I’m uncoupled. You definitely lose some connection during wedding planning if you aren’t in the bridal party but in my experience, they’ve all come back to normal after the wedding is over.
I think sometimes couples feel awkward inviting single friends to join plans because they worry that you’ll feel….hurt? awkward? jealous? spending time with a couple. It’s silly but it definitely happens. I agree with other posters that all you can do is reach out a bit more and make it know that you’re happy to hang with her individually and with her partner.
Anon
I did not post on the other threads but reading them brought to mind my own experience with college friendships gone awry.
My husband and I got married while I was still in college (earlier than most of our friends). We continued to socialize with the whole gang, sometimes all at once, sometimes with one or two individuals. However, after we graduated and the rest of the group started pairing off, I had a couple of very disconcerting encounters with a few of the guys I had previously been on great terms with. Their spouses apparently thought men couldn’t remain friends with other women after marriage. I went from chatting with these dudes like normal friends right up to the wedding, then when trying to catch up after they came back from honeymoons they acted like I was an evil homewrecker out to seduce them. They tried to treat my husband like normal, but completely ostracized me. Their new wives went from politely aloof to full on claws out towards me, and would not interact with my husband at all. Neither my husband nor I were interested in hanging out with people who behaved like this, so we basically ghosted these couples.
Anon
I’d take it with a grain of salt. I’m married 23 years and the majority of my inner circle friends are single – either never married or divorced. Not everyone drops their friends when they get married or have kids! You hear stories for sure, but it’s usually only a story because it’s the exception.
Anon
I feel like my work wardrobe needs a serious reset! I’m in the office 3-4 days a week, my department is business casual (I can never wear jeans, but I don’t have to wear a blazer. Dresses or work pants with blouses or a pullover sweater is what I normally wear). I really love a great sheath dress but that’s probably a little more formal than I should be. I’m 28 and enjoy fashion and would like to look on trend and wear flattering clothes to work.I just lost about 20 lbs and am now working on adding muscle and want to celebrate my new body! I’m also the only person in my 20s on my team, so I don’t have a lot of style inspiration from colleagues.
While my department is more formal, our company’s dress code is my department and most other departments are more casual and can wear jeans and other fun pieces. As a result, I feel pretty frumpy compared to friends in other departments at my company!
All of my work clothes are pre-pandemic so it’s been a few years and I could definitely stand to update some things. I could also stand to up my makeup and hair game too.
I’m very much on an Old Navy / TJ Maxx / thrifting budget, unfortunately (would love to be on a Theory / On Mercer budget but I am not). I don’t have the budget to revamp the whole wardrobe either, but if I could find a few awesome, versatile pieces that would be great.
Anon
I’ve found good Akris Punto jackets on EBay and Posh. You have to know your size though. Worth a scroll just for ideas.
Anon
I get Akris from TRR too.
Anonymous
I have never heard of Akris but will check them out!
Lily
LOL heaven forbid you should get any style inspiration from your 30-something-year old colleagues!
Anon
Well the only other women on my team are in their 50s and have a very different style than I do… The other people closer in age to me are all men.
Lily
I was really just teasing you. I’m 36 and consider myself fairly fashionable, but I understand what you were saying.
You don’t like preppy… what about more of a boho style? Anthro usually has lots of work-appropriate blouses and sweaters, sometimes even skirts or pants that would work for an office. Boden isn’t trendy but they occasionally have some stylish pieces and the quality is good.
Sezanne is more weekend-wear but they do have some nice blouses, pants, and sweaters that could work for an office. Pricey but really pretty stuff.
On a limited budget I would focus on 2-3 pairs of pants (maybe one cigarette style slim pant that you can wear with more oversized tops, 1 wide leg, and 1 straight leg, in neutral colors), 1 or 2 jackets/blazers/cardigans (this is a good place to focus on some trends), some good quality basic, fitted crewneck ts, and then a couple new blouses (the kind you could also pair with jeans on the weekend – I’d look at anthro for this).
Anonymous
I apologize for reading your tone incorrectly!
I’d say my style is sometimes boho sometimes minimalist chic. I love Anthro and Sezanne but definitely not in my budget, sadly.
I like your idea about blouses that work for both work and weekend! I have a few floral blouses from Target that are like this, but could definitely get newer ones!
Anon
That’s a weird take. Why not assume that the OP is a rational person and doesn’t have anyone **near** her age to take style inspiration from?
spring 108
+1 weird take/read into the OPs comment. even if she has people near her age, a lot of people dress perfectly acceptable for work but aren’t interested in style and OP wouldn’t draw style inspiration from them.
Anonymous
Yeah – I used to work with one other woman my age (we were late 20s/early 30s at the time). She only wore baggy khakis and oversized polo shirts. This was in 2017-2020, so khakis and polo shirts were not “in” for young women. Sure, I could have used her for style inspiration but I didn’t want to!
The men we worked with wore khakis and polos, so her outfit was appropriate for the office but it didn’t look good!
Anon
I caught that, too. Oh, the ageist dis of callow youth.
Anon
I didn’t think I needed to clarify I wasn’t being ageist but I will more fully explain myself here.
– Most of my friends are in their 30s. There are two friend groups I’m in where I’m the sole person in their 20s and everyone else is early – mid 30s. Unfortunately, many of my friends who are in their 30s cannot provide me with work fashion advice because they wear scrubs to work every day, they can wear jeans to work, or they are full time WFH.
– Obviously women in their 30s are fashionable. Women of any age are fashionable. I often borrow clothes from my 60 year old mom because she is fashionable.
– The other 2 women I work with are much older and much more senior than I am. They’re in their 50s and 60s and are SVPs and wear suits every day because that’s what their job dictates. I am a mere analyst and thus it would look really out of place if I wore suits.
– The two women I work with also have very different style than I do. They dress in a much more masculine style, they have pixie cuts, they don’t wear makeup or jewelry. I’ve only ever seen them in pantsuits with flats. That is great for them, but that is not my style.
– One of these women is SO FASHIONABLE. She kills it, her outfits always look great. They are well tailored and fit her well and she’s great at coordinating colors and patterns. She looks awesome, but it’s not the right look for my age or level of seniority or personal fashion sense.
I struggle on figuring out what to wear in this post-COVID era as things have gotten more casual, but the other women I work with with styles I’d like to emulate have a much more lax dress code than I do. I don’t know where to turn to for inspiration because my options are SVPs who wear suits or women my age who wear jeans and platform shoes to work and I am caught somewhere in the middle.
Anon
OP, I’m sorry that you’re being slammed on a fashion blog for saying that it’s not practical to take style inspiration from your different-level coworkers who are decades apart in age. I’m 41 and wouldn’t expect someone in their 20s to take style inspiration from me; my body is different than it was 15 years ago and that affects my choices in clothes, makeup, and hair.
Vicky Austin
I absolutely did not think you were being ageist. Other people’s personal styles are never guaranteed to be a good source of inspiration for someone else, age aside – hence the term “personal.” I’m surprised there was even wiggle room to take offense at your post and think this longer explanation justifies your question.
Anon
Thank you!! this is OP anon, btw.
Anon
Another comment about age and level: many of my fav work outfits are not particularly noteworthy. They are great because each individual piece is great (silk or wool, outstanding tailoring; not-costume jewelry, some of which was made for me). I wouldn’t ask someone to replicate that on a Kohl’s budget – you need different tricks to make less expensive clothes look good.
Someone on here recommended the Instagram profile “Two Scoops of Style.” They have a lot of Target clothes that look super cute (in a good way!) for work and weekend.
Anon
Excellent point. My older stylish coworker definitely wears brands and materials I cannot afford and gets her clothing tailored!
OOO
Is there an outlet mall near you? At your age my work clothes were primarily from BR Factory, J Crew Factory, and occasionally Ann Taylor/Loft outlets. My work uniform was a skirt or BR Sloan pants, a patterned top, cardigan and heels or flats. I would save Old Navy for weekend casual clothes. Congrats on the weight loss and enjoy celebrating your new body!
Vicky Austin
I was coming here to bang my J. Crew Factory drum.
Anon
Fwiw I don’t think J Crew or Factory J Crew is stylish in the way OP is asking for. Completely appropriate for work, yes. Stylish, not so much.
Anon
There’s an outlet about an hour a way. I could make plans to rent a car one weekend and check it out.
I don’t care for J. Crew Factory (too preppy for me) and I find LOFT hit or miss, but do like things I see at Ann Taylor. I love BR Factory but I find a lot of what they have isn’t very practical.
Anon
I would do H&M for trendy pieces and Uniqlo for minimalist ones
Anon
I always forget about those stores, thank you!
Cat
FWIW, the thing where your friends pay close attention to your work attire and know that you picked something up from Banana and really compare stuff like that? You’re at the age where it’s about to stop. I’m a decade older than you. I’m familiar with the standard rotation that the women in my department have – most of us have about 2-3 weeks worth of outfits – and none of us GAF that we’re wearing the same stuff we did in 2019. Neither do our managers… who are doing the same. We look appropriate and reasonably polished and that’s all you need.
We are probably the people you think you can’t get style inspiration from, and that’s ok, just trying to offer a perspective on freeing yourself from worrying about the relative trendiness of your office attire.
In your shoes I would probably focus my budget on a few pairs of versatile pants, maybe straight leg or slight bootcut since I think the cropped flare look will fade quickly. Tops tend to go through trend cycles faster and also wear out faster due to more frequent cleaning needs.
Anon
It’s not that I care about how I look in relation to others or that I care that I’m wearing clothes from 2019 (though, more realistically it’s all clothes from 2016 that I bought right when I graduated and started working), it’s that I feel frumpy and blah in my clothes and I want to look cute! I got into fashion during the pandemic and have a few cute weekend outfits that I love but nothing that I love for work.
Even when I worked with other young women in offices, we never really chatted about our work attire or anything. I only have about 6 or 7 outfits that I rotate through (so not even a full 2 week rotation) and that doesn’t bother me at all.
I really apologize if my post came off that older women aren’t fashionable and I can’t look to them for style inspiration! I only work with two other women, one in her 50s and one in her 60s and they both have a masculine style which isn’t me.
pugsnbourbon
I get what you’re saying. The author of the Blue Collar Red Lipstick blog has what she calls “style avatars” that might appeal to you: https://bluecollarredlipstick.com/?s=avatar
For budget-friendly items, look at TJMaxx and Nordstrom Rack online. Banana Republic Factory is also great.
Anon
I will check these out, thank you!!
Anonymous
I’m MUCH older than you and I understand where you’re coming from! You’ve just lost weight, you’re wearing clothes mostly bought when you were just graduated from college, and you’re ready to feel good about yourself when you get dressed for work.
Do you know what kind of style you’re drawn to, that you’d want to wear if you worked in a different department and had more freedom in how you dressed? If yes, look for the “business” version of those items. Or, look at those outfits you feel really cute in, that you have for the weekend. Is there a way to find a very similar look for your workday? Example: maybe you love a good rufflepuff dress on the weekend. The weekday version might be one of Banana Republics more flowing shirt dresses. Or maybe you love wide-legged jeans with sneakers for the weekend. You can wear wide-legged trousers and very trendy oxfords for the weekday.
Anon
Thank you for your suggestions! My favorite weekend outfit involves a long crop top, so that is obviously out for the office! But I could find a longer top like it. I love your suggestion for wide leg trousers and trendy oxfords!
spring 108
How often are you hitting up thrift stores? I just generally like shopping at thrift stores, and when I’m revamping my wardrobe I have a loose search list on my phone, and visit them every weekend. I pair it with grocery shopping.
I’d use the advice here to come up with your loose list of things you’re looking for and outfit inspiration (I keep it in my notes app), and then make a habit if possible. You’re definitely not going to get everything in one visit, but I find good luck over a couple months. Suburban Goodwills in affluent areas generally are very good.
Anonymous
I used to go weekly just to see if anything caught my eye but I’ve really cut back (it used to be on my walk home from work, but now it isn’t… it’s still nearby though!).
I think this is a great idea, I’ll do some browsing on Pinterest to see what I want to find and then keep a running list and start going thrifting more often again!
ALT
Putting a plug in here for Poshmark! I buy a ton of my workwear on Poshmark—I can find nice, gently used or new items for what I would spend on items at TJ Max.
OP, I get it—I have women in my office who (at all ages) have varying levels of fashionable outfits. I am frequently complimented on my outfits at work and I don’t think anything I’m wearing is super “fashionable” in the trendy sense, but I wear things that fit me well and are flattering, outfits that are cohesive, and sprinkle in trendy accessories or trendier pieces. Like I’m still wearing slim ankle pants but with a fun patterned loafer and a Madewell type top. Or I’m wearing the ubiquitous J Crew sweater blazer but with a slouchy pair of trousers, sharp loafers, and a dressier t-shirt.
I think owning your style and dressing consistently and with confidence makes someone fashionable.
Anon
Ugh. Applying to get the job running a department I’ve been running for 3 years (as ‘Acting’). Have given a lot to this job and rebuilt the department.
Found out that an external colleague also applied – I like this colleague, she’s great, but would not like to work for her because of our relationship.
Well. Leading up to my interview, I misjudged an assignment and messed up. The assignment itself was fine but I looked like a bad manager and somebody who didn’t ask for help/clarification when needed.
Worked until the wee hours to do the assignment myself and am now working for redemption but struggling to shake it off.
Cat
everyone makes mistakes. The distinction is how they handle them. Do they blame everyone else, do they try to hide it until it inevitably blows up, or do they say “whoops, let me fix it, and lesson learned!” Guess which one impresses leadership?
You’ve got this!
pugsnbourbon
Your three years of hard work will count for a lot more than one mistake. Hang in there!
Stove
I have to get a new stove, my current one just went kaput, so this is an unexpected, and semi-urgent purchase issue. We use it regularly for family dinners, but not really for holiday or party meals. The one I’m replacing is electric, which I really hated at first and have, after several years, sort of gotten used to. Although there is a gas line installed, connecting would require more work to get it set up for the stove, and given the history of the house I assume there will be some other unexpected problems that crop up if we do that. Should we just get another electric and be done? Any brands or styles people like?
Anon
I went with dual fuel and love it (gas range, electric oven). Whatever you do, don’t get a gas oven because it will make annoying sounds when you are using it. I lived without a stove for a summer during a reno, with kids, so I think you could check out the gas situation for when you shop. Electric is fine, but I do love the low simmer on my gas burner. And knowing that said burner is on.
Anon
Duel fuel range is the best of both worlds.
Anon
Another vote for dual
My broiler in my otherwise electric oven is also gas. That’s the best best
Anon
Induction! Takes a bit of getting used to (and compatible pans) but better than straight electric in terms of being able to fine-tune cooking temps.
We just replaced our gas stove with induction. Once I learned about the health risks of gas stoves I couldn’t continue using one.
Anonymous
+1! We have a gas stove and an induction countertop burner and if/when our stove dies I would seriously try to get an induction stove. I love the burner and use it as much as possible. It heats up faster than the gas burners do and doesn’t heat up the kitchen nearly as much.
anon
+1 to induction! I have a gas range and really want to get an induction stove/electric oven combo, for both my health and environmental reasons.
The CO2 concentration in my house when I’m using my oven at all or my stove more than just briefly gets absurdly high unless I open a ton of windows. I don’t have a way to measure more immediately harmful gas concentrations, but I expect that they would also be quite high when the CO2 is high.
Anon
Honestly electric stoves are the worst. I’ve alternated between electric and gas at various apartments and electric is far inferior. It will hurt your resale value too. If you don’t want to use gas then get an induction stove. There’s a learning curve but I’ve only heard good things about induction once the adjustment period is over.
anonshmanon
for induction, my takeaway from discussions here is that going with a good brand really matters, because a glitchy induction top is frustrating but a reliable one is wonderful.
London (formerly NY) CPA
Can attest that a glitchy induction cooktop is the worst, and I can’t wait to move to a new apartment later this year with literally anything else. Admittedly when it works, it does boil water very quickly, but I miss the responsiveness of gas and the reliability of gas or electric.
Anon
+1 to getting induction. SO much safer (you can cook with a towel literally on the stove, burners turn off when not in use, it doesn’t feel hot to the touch, etc) and boils water so fast.
Anon
I’d get gas while you can, far superior in every way. I love the Cafe line, pretty appliances.
anonshmanon
How can it be far superior in every way when the air pollution is abysmal, and it can’t be run on renewable energy (unless you have access to biogas)?
Anon
I hate gas but (a) I’m pretty sure the air pollution from “cooking food” is still significant, so you have to run a fan or a filter or open a window no matter what kind of stove you have if you care about air quality, (b) people who care more about cooking value the precision temperature control, apparently.
Anon
Go read the data on gas stoves/cooktops and indoor air pollution. In most well-ventilated homes, using the externally-vented range-hood fan while the stove is on mitigates almost all of the indoor air-pollution concerns that were brought up in some studies. The biggest risk for indoor air pollution from natural gas appliances is when people use gas stoves or cooktops as heat sources (because their electricity has been shut off, or they are trying to save money on utility bills, etc.) without the vent hoods on. Normal operation – which involves cooking with the gas stove/cooktop for limited periods of the day, with a vent hood running – doesn’t pose a significant health risk to anyone.
Anon
Air pollution is fine if you have a vent.
Anon 2.0
Agreed. Gas is best. Burn me at the stake if you will, but I am just not concerned about air quality pollution in regards to a gas stove. Life has risks and I love my stove.
Anon
Same. It’s a hill I’ll die on.
Anon
Amateur and professional cook here – you can cook really, really excellent food on either gas or electric (or induction). Gas is better for large scale or bulk applications because it’s easier to make larger equipment/burners, but for home use it really doesn’t matter. If you’re cooking for that big of a crowd, get a turkey fryer burner, a big pot and call it a day.
Induction gives you the most precise temperature control, so if that’s important to the cooking you do, it might be the best option.
My current house came with an electric stove and it’s just fine. Don’t let home-cook snobbery get in the way of making great food.
BB
I asked about people’s experiences with induction on here a few months ago, and now I’m the proud owner of an induction stove. It’s AMAZING! And I had gas previously. I don’t miss gas at all, and induction is a step up in functionality. Things also definitely smell less when cooking, not sure if that was the gas fumes or just things burning in a weird way, but it’s an improvement.
The only thing to be aware of is that induction stoves may draw more amps from your circuit. Depending on what your electric stove is currently rated for, you might need wiring work done.
Anon
Definitely induction. Heats up fast, doesn’t heat up the kitchen, easier to clean, less polluting.
Anom
Another vote for induction.
Anonymous
get an (electric) induction one! we got one with our last house and ive never looked back and installed a new induction cooktop in our new home too. we’re prolific cooks (not necessarily super skilled but enthusiastic?) and the induction heats up super fast and is very responsive.
Anon
If the gas line is already run to the stove’s location, hookup is easy peasy.
Anon
I have a “please word this politely for work for me” request. If I said it, it would be “We seem to pick junior leaders who are in it for the line on their resume and not servant leaders interested in developing the people on their team. They think management = bossing people around. Instead, their people say in anonymous current and exit surveys that their concerns are not addressed, they feel that they have no path to promotion, and are leaving in droves, bad-mouthing us as we go.” Something like “I don’t feel our leadership selection metrics are yielding the best candidates” is still a bit wide of the mark and TBH we need to fix this. To add complexity, one of the problematic hires who is angling for a promotion is the daughter of one of the directors, so I need to tread lightly (or perhaps not at all).
Monday
Can you share a summary of what the exit surveys are saying, so that you’re just relaying info rather than sounding like it’s your own judgment? You’ll be able to read the response as to whether management is willing to take the feedback seriously or not. If they are, you can press a bit; if not, you can drop it (and be disappointed). I’d expect the latter, which sucks, but at least you won’t have spent any capital on a view that’s a nonstarter anyway.
Anon
“I think we need to take a hard look at how we are selecting junior leaders, as the recent results have not turned out how we expected. Rather than focusing on [whatever – individual performance, etc.], perhaps we should prioritize [whatever – those likely to stay on with the business for the long haul.]”
brainstorming – is it possible that it’s easier to get promoted at your co but then compensation is better elsewhere? Could it be something off about the junior leader role versus who you’re picking for it?
Anon
I missed this line: “their concerns are not addressed, they feel that they have no path to promotion, and are leaving in droves,”
Do the would-be Jr leaders perhaps not have a realistic understanding of what the new role involves? that could help to right-size their expectations and potentially let people who are into the “bossing people around” self select out.
Cat
I don’t know what servant leader means to you (I’m aware of it as a buzzword, just not sure if it’s always used the same way…) so that part of your complaint is lost on me. A few questions to prompt the discussion:
1. How is the management style of senior people? Are the newly-promoted juniors emulating what they see?
2. New managers can see the salaries of their reports for the first time. Maybe they realize “hot d-mn I need to switch companies to get a real raise” after getting this intel.
3. Does your org offer coaching or training to new managers on best practices?
4. Does your org have a competitive culture? Sour grapes from those who weren’t chosen then reporting to their former peer could make anyone want to bail.
5. Or does your org have a rep that if you weren’t the one chosen for a promotion the first time, the writing is on the wall for future advancement, and it’s a not-so-subtle hint that you need to leave if you want to advance?
Anon
Question: when you say people are leaving in droves, are those the newly promoted people or the ones who are working for the new managers?
If it’s the latter, here is how you phrase it (adjust as needed, stolen in part from Cat): “We need to take a hard look at the selection process for promotions and advancement. The people we promote are creating a culture that results in high turnover and is tarnishing our company’s reputation. (Insert some choice exit interview quotes.) We need to back up and consider what we want out of leadership – eg employee retention and growth – and then consider the best path for evaluating promotion-eligible employees.”
Anon
Our reputation is that of a place with a zero-sum game mentality. I win only if you lose. Those people are the worst because they see everyone as a threat and not an ally.
Anonymous
Who are you saying this to and why?
anon
What is your position in the organizational hierarchy, and what kind of company?
I would probably be inclined to say something along the lines of “I’m observing that our employee surveys and exit interviews reflect concerns regarding X, Y, Z issues. That’s both a retention and a reputational concern. Do we need to make changes in how we select and develop leaders to address this?/I think we need to make changes in how we select and develop leaders, particularly Q,R, and S.”
But I’m very senior in my organization and am part of the CEO’s leadership teams, so employee issues like this are something I’m viewed as having authority to speak on. YMMV if this is not your scope of responsibility/authority or you’re more junior.
Anon
I cannot stand the term servant leader. Try putting this is chat GPT and see what you get.
Anon
+1,000,000 to your first sentence!!
anon
“Servant leaders” feels like such a phrase that comes from summer bible camps from the very early 2000s. It was definitely a phrase used in those spaces back then when pastors talked about how Jesus (is this a bad word, idk) washed the beggars feet.
Anonymous
The phrase is not great but the concept is sound. My job isn’t to wash my employees’ feet, but it is absolutely my job to make sure they have the resources and guidance they need to succeed and to provide them opportunities to grow.
Anonymous
Can we talk about the retaliation that women face when we ask for what we deserve? I’m tired of hearing that women make less and have fewer opportunities because we don’t ask for more. It completely ignores the fact that when we do make the ask, we often face backlash – usually from men – that men don’t. And so of course that discourages us from making asks. It’s not because we’re too weak and simpering and we need some author or training or panelist to eMpOweR us, it’s because our calculus is very different than a man’s in deciding whether the juice is worth the squeeze. Being blamed for men’s bad behavior is exhausting. Two personal anecdotes:
1. This was a few years ago: After multiple rounds of interviews, I was offered a job with a salary that was ~10% lower than what my starting salary had been. I knew the job would be a pay cut but I didn’t anticipate such a big pay cut. I asked them to match my starting salary – again, a 10% increase, which I thought was reasonable in salary negotiations. They rescinded the offer because one (man) partner was so offended that I didn’t take their first offer.
2. More recently and why my feathers are ruffled today. A senior (man) partner retired and left a client to me and a few other (men) partners. Two others who had a close relationship with the client just moved on. I’m the only one left who has any relationship with the client, the other attorneys have never even met the client and don’t have any experience relevant to the client. Why they were included in OG credit I don’t know, probably because they’re white men and who doesn’t want to give a leg up to someone who looks just like them. I asked to take over the departing attorneys’ OG credit because I’m taking over all of their client management/billing/etc. responsibilities. The other two men getting OG protested, we took it to the decision maker on such things, who I thought I had a great relationship with, and in fact he’s the one who suggested I should get a greater share of the credit. He was p!ssed that I brought this to him. He didn’t want to make any decisions. He threatened to take the credit away from all of us if we (ahem I) didn’t just accept an almost-equal split (32/32/36). Since then, he’s been micromanaging my every move, like grilling me about why I didn’t attend a networking event (that I never attend?), why I’m not personally doing some admin tasks that the admins always do and partners never do, and why I’m not responsive to emails (when I was in a client meeting and I responded as soon as the meeting was over, an hour after the email was sent). I’m over it. I can’t wait until I have a big enough book to move.
Anon
Yep the pushback is real. My friend’s position was hourly with overtime, and it was expected that everyone works overtime. The organization makes base salaries pretty low knowing that the overtime pay makes up for it, similar to a commission or bonus structure. My friend was being considered for a promotion to a salaried role and she expressed concern that the new salary is actually 15% less than her current base plus overtime. The director told my friend “You should consider yourself lucky and stop complaining.”
OP
The “you should be happy with what you get” attitude is only ever applied to women. It’s almost exactly what the decisionmaker said to me – none of you originated this client so none of you earned the credit, you should be glad you’re getting anything and stop asking for more. Nevermind that the other two men also asked for more than they had before, I was just asking for a greater share of the outstanding credit.
anonshmanon
I also see it used on people of color! Don’t complain, be grateful you made it into this stage and look how generous the gatekeepers are to you.
Anon
When my mother got promoted from a paralegal in Big Law to their Director position, she worked worse hours with no overtime $ and made less money. After revamping the department, she just quit when they didn’t raise her salary sufficiently and went back to being a paralegal. They hired a mediocre white man. He flailed. Fired within a year. They hired my Mom back and paid her every penny and hired an assistant for her.
It shouldn’t have to be so painful.
Anonymous
As a recently retired big law partner, I feel your pain. I don’t think the grass is greener anywhere, you just have to go with the survivor motto and outlast, outplay or outwit each new round of these guys when they pop up. A big enough book will keep them at bay so you can enjoy your career and succeed despite them. And having a good internal network of the male partners with working wives who are supportive of women will keep you on an even keel.
Monday
I’m always so annoyed by what you describe in your first paragraph–the claim that “women just don’t ask!” for equal pay. In fact, women are often penalized for advocating for better compensation, and we know it. The reticence to negotiate is totally rational. There’s lots of research on this, but here’s an example if anyone wants to “well, actually” their male colleagues and bosses on this issue!
https://hbr.org/2014/06/why-women-dont-negotiate-their-job-offers
Anonymous
Yep. Brings back memories of Satya Nadella telling women to trust the system. Ummm no thanks, we’re not all Brahmins with plum jobs dude…!
Curious
Lol omg I literally gasped and cracked up when he said it. What a session that was.
Anon
Re #2, I see we work at the same place. I found a long and hard battle for credits. Burned a bridge that would never support me or my advancement. F them.
anonshmanon
There is ample research confirming that women are punished for asking, just like you experienced. It sucks.
Traveler
A few weeks ago someone had a link for car transfer service in London. I can’t find it – van anyone help?
We will need car+driver from Heathrom to Oxford and from Oxford to Shoreditch a few days later. Don’t want to juggle luggage on a train!
Anon
My SIL recommended Blacklane to me; I haven’t used it yet.
Anon
We used Blacklane to take us from Paris to London during a train strike rail shutdown. It was expensive but otherwise no issues.
Sunflower
That was me. I recommend Meadway. I’ve used them for 12 years for Heathrow pickups and I used them to take me from London to a wedding about two hours away. https://www.meadway.com
London (formerly NY) CPA
Addison Lee is a good individual provider. Or you can use minicabit which is an aggregator of smaller companies that I’ve used before (in Oxford actually).
Anonymous
I’ve used blackberry cabs a number of times and they’ve been great.
Curious
Low-stakes question: Did your parents try to make you believe in leprechauns when you were growing up? Today I learned that this is a Thing for several friends, and I feel like I just learned there were two Easter bunnies all along.
Vicky Austin
Ha, no. I believe this is a relatively new thing from the Elf-on-the-Shelfication of every.single.holiday.
Liza
+1, gotta get those social media likes. Also, schools have started making “leprechaun traps”, which I do not recall being a thing when I was a kid.
Anonymous
Chiming in here as a parent who used to be annoyed with this stuff, but recently had a change of heart. My kids are 5.5 and 7. When they were babies and toddlers, I was so against the notion that parents (let’s be honest, moms) had to go above and beyond for every holiday and cater to these new (and silly, IMO) traditions, along with the other three million things we have to do every day. My kids could experience these things at daycare, or not at all, because I sure wasn’t bringing an Elf into my house or setting out leprechaun traps or doing anything else that sounded like something you might see on Pinterest (which I didn’t even have time to check).
And then this year, I changed my mind. We got an Elf this past Christmas. We moved it to a new spot each night, but didn’t do anything else like tricks or whatever. Last night, with zero forethought, I printed out a series of St. Patty’s Day riddles and hid them around my house and wrote a note from the Leprechaun. I realized these things do not have to be a big deal. And they mean so much to my kids. This sounds so cliche, but I realize sometimes how fast they are growing up. We probably don’t have that many more holidays left where they willingly believe these silly things and aren’t embarrassed or afraid to show such incredible enthusiasm for something as minor as a printed out note from a leprechaun. It brings me a lot of joy to see. So I’m in on the made up holiday traditions.
Trust me, if you told 2019 me that I would feel this way or be participating in these things, I never would have believed you. And if you feel the way I used to, I completely and totally understand and get it. Sometimes there’s just not another free brain cell to think about this kind of stuff. But I think for me, once I got out of the all consuming baby/toddler years, and once I came down from my high horse a bit, I realized I want to do these things, but in a low key way.
Just food for thought.
Anon
I grew up in the 90s before there were Pinterest moms. My mom was also one of the very few working moms I knew so she was generally busier than other moms. She doesn’t have a crafty bone in her body. But she would go all out for holidays and it really did leave me with so many fun memories. I really cherish that she took the time to do this stuff.
Nothing she did was that big (money was tight, she was busy, my dad worked long hours) but she made things feel special and fun without a ton of money or effort!
Anonymous
I’ve found it easier to opt out with my three. It’s a slippery slop. Current standard at their school for kids who have elves (which is most), is that it’s one elf per kid plus one elf pet per kid. Both elves also do something different and fun everyday. If it’s just moved around that apparently means “you don’t have a real elf and your parents did it” because real elves get into trouble. Elves are also supposed to re-appear on the kid’s birthday and half birthday. I have neither the time nor energy to deal with 3 elves, 3 elf pets and 30 days of this each year (Dec 1-24 plus 6 days for 3 kids birthday/half birthday).
We do a lot of other fun traditions – red heart shaped pancakes for breakfast on valentines and traditions for each Sunday before Christmas etc. But the Elf one just seems to involve more stuff and more expectations every year. I’m amazed at how much the expectations around the elves have increased from when my oldest started daycare and first encountered an Elf in 2014 to 2023.
Anonymous
+1
Everything is crafting and candy and gifts. February is Valentines which can’t just be paper anymore – have to attach a pencil or stickers or eraser etc. March is Leprechauns and chocolate coins. April is Easter/spring.
Anon
Oh yes – making and setting leprechaun traps was a highlight of my early elementary years!
The best leprechaun stuff was definitely at school though, we’d come in and the leprechauns would have messed up the entire classroom, left chocolate for the students, and to our disappointment successfully escaped the traps (we made them for home and school).
Anon
I’m 29 FWIW. My mom was not at all crafty and worked full time but one of the few things she was enthusiastic about was full holiday celebration for holidays. She was never going to be classroom mom or the one who brought snacks after soccer games but she did celebrate holidays well!
Anon
Lol was just having this convo with my sister. I told her I draw the line at caring whether kids believe in leprechauns (and if my kids “spoil it”). It can be a fun bit of pretending as a way to celebrate, sure, but I’m not going to outright say they are real.
(And now a tangent that I’ve been mulling over – if you don’t care for religion mosey past. It seems that as society has fallen away from religion/spirituality, we are desperately trying to fill that hole and “believe in” something. The story of creation/resurrection/etc is awesome enough, but without that being central to our lives we are working to create “magic”, with poor imitations. And I’m taking about true religious belief, not the wave of vanilla cultural Christianity that gives lip service to Jesus but still centers themselves and their own pleasures.)
anonshmanon
I’m going to bite! In my view, a big thing that is lost with letting go of religion is the community building aspect of having shared experiences. The sense of having solid common ground with a group of strangers is really valuable in very many ways.
Anonymous
Totally agree. This is one of the reasons I’m considering Catholic school for my kids despite not being Catholic (Episcopalian so it’s close)
Liza
I think it’s a bit of a stretch to say people making leprechaun traps and hanging Elf on the Shelf from the ceiling fan are trying to fill the God-shaped hole. Unless you’re talking about some other magical belief?
Anon
I’m looking at all these new cultural “obsessions” as a whole, and, specifically, the part about not wanting kids to find out it’s the parents doing it! Parents are pouring so much time and effort into making their child believe in something magical (and then sometimes grumbling about it, lol). Imagine if that effort was directed towards highlighting the magic of faith. Santa doesn’t need to be so elaborate if there’s Jesus. (I do low-key Santa with my kids so I’m not saying there isn’t a place for this type of fun and make believe…but it’s veering toward the excessive with every holiday involving some sort of hoopla).
Anon
Agreed with your second paragraph. I’m an elder millennial and I used to say that my generation replaced god with drugs. Now we’ve moved on and replaced god with… pinterest parenting. If people enjoy it, good for them, but it’s irrelevant to my life (I have kids, but no easter bunny, leprechauns, and we got rid of santa and the tooth fairy as soon as the questions started).
anon
I think there is a lot of truth in your tangent. There’s been a fair amount of research indicating that people are wired to desire a sense of purpose, a sense of community, and a sense of the rhythm of their lives and the world. There’s also a lot of research suggesting people have an inherent desire to experience a sense of wonder and transcendence. All of those things are associated with greater happiness and mental health. Traditional religious belief supplies all of those things, and so it makes sense to me that people seek them – in ways large and small – in a secular world.
I will tell you that my instinctive response to the OP’s question about leprechauns was that no, my parents didn’t do that because non-religious holidays were not super important to my family. We weren’t opposed to them and we did do things like exchange Valentines and such, but the rhythm of our lives was oriented around our church community and the rhythm of the year was oriented around religious holidays. We observed Thanksgiving but it wasn’t a big deal – what was a big deal (and was so exciting to us as kids) was the start of Advent, with all of its special songs, special food, Advent calendar, various church activities, setting up the nativity scene, getting our new dresses for Christmas Eve services, practicing for the pageant, etc. In my own household now, I have told my son about St. Patrick’s Day but Lent and the run-up to Holy Week and Easter is a much bigger deal to him.
Artemis
I’m so with you on this observation and think about it all the time. Humans have a deep need for shared experiences, for some sense of wonder and magic, for not being alone in the universe. This is not anti-science either, it’s a separate emotional and community need. Mythology, while also essentially rudimentary science, evolved into monotheistic religions and now, with large-scale secularism, there is a “God-shaped hole” that people are filling with the connectivity of social media sharing and the magic of well . . . pretending that there is magic! Think of Disney adults, and Harry Potter’s hold . . . these are their own megachurches.
Anon
My daycare had little leprechaun traps (made at school – simple green construction paper shamrock cut-outs threaded onto pipe cleaners) that would get dusted with gold glitter when the leprechauns visited during nap time. I didn’t sleep during naptime. So I knew from a young age they weren’t real. My kindergarten class also had leprechaun traps. Not after that point. I don’t remember ever believing to the level of Santa, Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy.
Chl
No but this just reminded me that I was supposed to send my kid with ‘leprechaun trap’ materials to school and didn’t. Oh well.
Liza
I was just proud that I reminded them to wear green.
Anon
I get crabby when I’m asked to send in materials like this. I’m fine with the kids doing a project at home and bringing it in but if the project is being done in school, why can’t the school provide the materials?!
Anon
I honestly was annoyed as a kid when I was asked to do projects like this!
spring 108
LOL no. But we’re not Irish and not in a big Irish community.
Also Vicky Austin has a good point about the every.single.holiday turning into A THING. I’m not a parent but my BFF is, and she texted me quite annoyed that her elementary school kid woke up requesting a special “St Patricks day lunch” this morning – no warning, and they are not Irish and have never made St. Patricks Day a thing at home. I suggested sending celery sticks, spinach, and broccoli.
Curious
Lol I love your reaction. Add lima beans!
Anonymous
Add green food coloring to anything and it’s a St. Patricks day lunch. As a kid I dyed macaroni and cheese green on April Fool’s Day, but you know, also works for St. Patty’s.
Anonymous
In our grade school cafeteria in the 90s they’d serve all green food on St. Patty’s day (and all red on Valentines). Mostly used food dye to turn normal food green (I distinctly remember green mashed potatoes).
I grew up in a very Irish-American area though.
Anonymous
No…but my father was very anti all things Catholic and Irish so… it’s a wonder he allowed lucky charms cereal…
I did some stuff at school in early elementary, though…coloring sheets and making shamrocks out of pipecleaners kind of thing…
Anon
I feel weird about the idea that Lucky Charms are pro Catholic or pro Irish, but I guess promoting a non threatening cartoon caricature of a culture is one path towards acceptance.
Anonymous
Yeah, I think that’s how he saw it. As the beginning of that ‘slippery slope’. I converted to Catholicism when I got married and he nearly blew a gasket…maybe it was the lucky charms, hahahaha
Anon
That or the Keebler Elves lol! (Unless I just always assumed they were Irish; now I’m not even sure!)
Cat
no definitely not… they were just a fun character associated with the holiday.
Anon
We didn’t, but my sister does it for her kids and I think it’s adorable.
Anon
No, definitely not, and I’ve never heard of leprechaun traps. I grew up in a city with a large Irish population that probably would have found that completely ridiculous.
Anonymous
Eh, everyone I knew growing up was Irish Catholic (Philly and Delco suburbs) and we had leprechaun traps in Catholic grade school in the 90s.
Curious
I have just confirmed that my Chicago-Irish brother in law has no idea what I’m talking about. We dyed the river green and drank, with no mention of leprechauns. The Chicago Irish must have traded leprechauns for bootlegging and never looked back.
Sasha
I’m Irish Catholic in Chicago, so huge IC population and we did leprechaun traps at my catholic elementary school. There wasn’t really a push to make us believe they were “real”, it was always kind of understood that the teacher did it, but it was fun make-believe
Curious
Okay so this isn’t even a Chicago doesn’t do it thing!
Anon
Definitely not. My parents didn’t even do the Easter bunny (we got candy on Easter but there was no fiction about how a giant bunny brought it).
Anon
No, that sound horrendous. Even worse than elf on the shelf. We mostly focused on pinching kids not wearing green and making Irish potatoes, which I’m not sure anyone genuinely enjoys eating.
Anonymous
It’s a new thing. I didn’t grow up with it and I’m literally from a part of Canada that has ST. Patrick’s day as a govt holiday.
I do think it’s very Elf on the Shelf generation thing. Just like Elf wasn’t as big ten years ago, this wasn’t as big until more recently either. Every month there is some kind of thing – 100 days of school, leprechaun, easter bunny stuff etc. Current expectation is that kids build a trap and then the leprechaun leaves chocolate gold coins. I straight up refuse to participate. It’s nonsense. Can’t get through a week at school without some kind of candy and theme. We didn’t have PJ and movie days when I was at school either.
Anon
I’m 32 and we did leprechaun traps and celebrated the 100th day of school back when I was in elementary school. Leprechauns would also mess up the classroom and leave treats behind. Honestly, it was so fun. My gym recently decorated for St. Patty’s day and my friend and I commented that it reminded us of elementary school (so it must have happened at her school too).
We did not have PJ and movie days or many candy days (though did get the gold coins in our leprechaun traps). In fact, we had a uniform so dress down days were very rare.
Senior Attorney
OMG this sounds exhausting. I’m just happy my parenting-little-kids days was pre-Elf on a Shelf.
Anon
We watched Darby O’Gill & the Little People but that was about the extent of it.
Anon
Travel advice…planning a trip with 2 other girlfriends, and it’s looking like our best flights options are Colombia or Curacao. Any guidance/tips for either? Timing would be for a week or so at the end of May.
anonchicago
I went to curaçao several years ago and chose it for the flight price and fact that they avoid hurricanes (went in Sept).
It’s…fine? I’ve read it’s more beautiful under the sea than on land but I don’t scuba so I couldn’t test that. It’s pretty safe and middle class so you can drive and walk around easily, and the island isn’t dependent on tourism as oil is also a large industry. The beaches were just ok though the snorkeling was gorgeous and the weather cooperated.
Anon
I was pretty underwhelmed with the snorkeling in Curaçao though I’ve snorkeled all over and am fairly jaded. I wouldn’t say it’s above average for the Caribbean though.
Anon
I was likewise underwhelmed by Colombia. I’d use the exact words the poster above did to describe Curacao: “it’s…fine?” We were in Bogota and Medellin, though, not the coastal areas, which I’ve heard are prettier. We were there for 3 weeks.
The food was quite underwhelming. I naively expected the cuisine to have some of the pizazz and vibrancy of Mexican and Tex-Mex cuisine and it just…doesn’t. It was quite bland by our standards (we’re pretty typical American eaters, we think). And there wasn’t a ton of variation – mainly beef or pork, beans, and rice. We came home craving highly seasoned food.
And the most surprising part of all was that we didn’t really click with the locals. Again, we were in big cities, and maybe we would have clicked more with people in the countryside, but the Colombians we had the opportunity to socialize with came across to us as vain and shallow – very concerned with wearing fancy clothes, spending money, and generally focused on appearances. It could have been just a cultural mismatch/misunderstanding, but, combined with lackluster food, we both got on the plane home and said it wasn’t somewhere we’d want to go back to :/
Shelle
I traveled to Colombia with some friends to Bogota, Cartagena, and Barranquilla. I think your enjoyment will depend on what kind of trip you’re looking for. There’s “travel” and then there’s “vacation” if you get what I’m saying. Colombia has a rich culture and interesting history. I met people, I looked around, I learned a bit more about the world. In that sense, it was a great experience. I didn’t relax on a beach with a drink, but I hear that’s also available. If you’re interested in traveling there, it helped to speak some Spanish. I enjoyed Bogota and Cartagena. We went to Barranquilla because someone in our group had relatives living there so I wouldn’t recommend it as a must see… although that’s where Shakira is from! Maybe you could watch Anthony Bourdain’s show where he travels to Colombia to get a sense of what it would be like?
Anon
TW Gross medical question.
My allergies are acting up lately due to pollen. This is a given every year. Yesterday, I developed a massive (truly) painful hemorrhoid (sorry). Could be from nose blowing? Not sure why this is even happening. I’m otherwise not doing anything to cause this and it is a first. If it persists or gets more painful, go to my GP? Not sure if this is a GO thing and my only specialty docs are an allergist and a gyn.
Anon
Yes, you could make a previously existing hemorrhoid pop out by straining with blowing. Do you blow… really hard? Maybe, I’d try to tone that down, and start using a Netti pot or different meds to help you symptoms?
This is just a regular primary care doctor thing.
Meanwhile, take a quick search online for basics on hemorrhoids. Take a warm bath and read about Sitz baths, get a couple different ingredients hemorrhoid creams from the local store – I recommend ones that have epinephrine in them to help shrink. If it is really sticking out, you can gently try to push it back in. It will go down. If it is crazy painful, call your doctor. Sometimes sitting on a cold pack/bag of frozen peas is soothing.
If you are constipated normally, this is a sign you need to step up your game to prevent that, as that was the initial contributor to your hemorrhoids. Hydrate well, up your fiber game, Miralax is your friend if needed…. read online about what the ideal bowels should be and see if your frequency is ok. Honestly, once a day is best. You shouldn’t be straining (that is what pushes out hemorrhoids). Get a squatty potty!
Anon
I guess it could be from nose blowing, which increases intra-abdominal pressure. Make sure you sit down when you blow and use good posture – don’t hunch forward. Make sure you’re not bearing down. When you go #2, relax instead of push. Squatty potty is your friend.
Anon
No idea if the hemorrhoid is from nose blowing, but if you’re in serious pain – like, 7 or 8 out of 10 – and it doesn’t get better by tonight after you try some treatment, you should go to urgent care. I have known people who have gotten thrombosed hemorrhoids and it is no joke; the pain has been described to me as excruciating/worse than childbirth. You should try using Tucks pads and Preparation H, along with warm baths (maybe with some epsom salts in) to see if you can reduce the swelling – I do that when mine are itchy/bothersome. I’ve never had one that was truly painful, or at least not for very long. If in doubt, go to urgent care or call your doctor.
Anon
+1. I had a thrombosed hemorrhoid in the ninth month of pregnancy and can confirm the pain was, in fact, worse than childbirth. It was easily taken care of and I wished I’d not been so embarrassed and waited to get it treated.
NeilMed
Try NeilMed (squeeze bottle + individual envelopes of salt(?) + distilled water) instead of neti pots. That’s what my ENT and immunologist told me to use.
Anon
ADHD question: Does anyone else consistently start writing work product in a non-linear order? As an attorney I usually begin drafting briefs in the middle; with the argument that is most well-developed. I realized I also do this on lengthier emails. Wondering if this is an symptom of ADHD, I’ve don’t it forever.
Anon
When I was a grad student I worked as a writing tutor and saw all kinds of writing processes that were linear or non-linear in different ways. My guess is that people just vary a lot regardless of neurotype?
Anon
Not an adhd specific thing. I’ve always done this and I’m quite sure I don’t have adhd.
Anon
I’ll add, I’m a professor, and this is actually how we recommend writing papers- starting in the middle with methods and results, which are the most straightforward, and only going back to the introduction at the very end, when you know how it all fits together.
Anonymous
I’m a grant writer and almost always do an introduction, conclusion, and cover letter last. It’s just easier. When I’m writing the meat of the proposal, I’m still figuring out what I want to say. For project-based grants, I usually do a budget first as it really outlines the scope of a project.
spring 108
No experience with ADHD and not a lawyer so I’m not writing briefs, but perhaps it still applies – this has been my writing process forever. I think I was specifically taught to write this way. Start with your arguments and main points, develop them, then go back to write the intro and conclusion. I definitely do this on presentations and long emails still.
Anne-on
+1 – I was taught to write this way in AP History for our essay portion of the exam with the logic that if you ran out of time you’d receive the most possible credit for showing your thesis statement and main points. I would literally write my essays (by hand, because it was all blue books back then) with ‘I intend to prove thesis statement here, leave room for another few lines, list out my main points, leave space to develop them, and then write ‘in conclusion’ and leave room. I did the same in college and generally did have time to go back and develop the ‘fluffier’ parts of the essay but if I did run short on time that was generally enough to get you 75% credit.
Anonymous
:) I learned to write in AP History too. Our AP History class was combined with English, and the English teacher was excellent. I’ll never forget a college professor asking me where I learned to write (in a good way) after one of my first papers.
anon
OMG now that you say this I remember being told the exact same thing. It makes sense!
Cat
Nah, I do this sometimes. It helps with the ‘oh man where do I even start’ part of longer notes. I then go back and add an intro or TLDR after I hammer it out.
Vicky Austin
I don’t think that’s an ADHD response so much as it’s an ADHD problem to be hamstrung by the starting of one big task you can’t get your head around.
I call it the “you can’t steer a parked car” principle, and I have a friend who calls it “in f_ckia res.”
Anonymous
Of course. It’s not a symptom of ADHD it’s a solid writing strategy. Why would you write a preliminary statement before working through your arguments?
Anonymous
This is just good practice. Start with the argument section to figure out which facts you need to emphasize. Then draft your facts section to highlight the facts that best support your argument and to address facts that go against you. I always write the introduction/preliminary statement last.
Anonymous
Sorry, no, it’s not an ADHD thing. This is literally how we were taught to write papers in elementary.
Anon
Same. We were always taught to write the intro and closing paragraph last!
Anon
I was taught to do this and it made writing a lot easier when I actually started doing it like this. I tend to make headings (even if the finished product won’t have headings) and then skip around. My husband writes a lot for work and he will start at the beginning and write all the way through to the end and I just… can’t. I do not think this is an ADHD thing.
anon
I do have ADHD, but only diagnosed a few years ago. Been a lawyer for 10+ years. One of the best brief writers in the firm, I’m told. I’ve always written briefs (and other documents) out of order, and did it when I was clerking. The argument section is the most critical portion of the brief. Writing it helps me identify the most critical facts, see how the argument develops, etc. It’s much easier for me to identify the most relevant facts and keep the facts section of a brief tightly focused after I’ve written the argument. It’s also much easier to write your intro/conclusion after you’ve spent a lot of time with the arguments, developed them, and have some persuasive writing you can draw on for maximum impact. You know the whole, “tell them what you’re going to tell them, tell them, tell them what you’ve told them” adage? It’s easier for me to tell them what I’m going to tell them after I know exactly what it is I’m going to tell them, because I’ve written it.
Anon
Nope. That’s what’s called a shitty first draft. Get your main points down and fill in around it. Excellent writers do this, so it’s not a negative.
Anon
Would you travel to the Caribbean/South America this year if you were trying to conceive? Zika looks like it’s no longer a serious risk, but my husband is totally freaked out at the idea. Interested in others thoughts.
Anon
I would, yes. But I wasn’t super cautious about this stuff even when Zika was huge. I got pregnant 4 months after traveling to the Caribbean.
Cat
I not only would but did (Caribbean). Was careful about applying repe11ent at night and never even got a nibble. We were on more low-lying and flat islands vs tropical mountains. Think Turks & Caicos, not Jamaica.
Anon
Wait did I miss something?! Did not know you were TTC, congrats!
Anon
Honestly if I thought I’d be actively pregnant at the time of the trip, I’d have concerns about C19 risk while traveling, especially if it was months out from my last booster.
Anon
I personally would, and did. But I would not have done it if my husband was concerned. It was just a vacation for me, and there are many other places I also want to go. My answer would probably be different if it was for something besides a vacation
Anon
I would not if it bothers your husband. I was really concerned about it when TTC and pregnant a few years ago and my husband was not concerned at all. It would have stressed me out to no end if he had been insistent, and I’m very grateful he just accepted my concerns. We went to Europe and Hawaii instead during my pregnancies. The world is big – go someplace else for now and you can visit these other areas when you’re no longer in the TTC / pregnancy stages!
Anon
All the big Caribbean resorts spray, so it’s only an issue if you’re going to be going off the beaten path. That said, I agree with the person above who said it’s just one vacation and if it’s going to give you anxiety no reason not to go elsewhere. There are lots of great Zika free zones, including some high altitude places in South America.
Just Get Rid of It
Another low stakes question: Due to some pandemic weight gain + starting to lift weights and putting on some muscle, a whole whack of my clothes just simply do not fit anymore. Like so many clothes, the bulk of my work wardrobe for a good 5 years. I have set many of them aside in the hopes that they will one day fit again…
Now my husband and I are TTC, and it seems like the answer is just to get rid of anything that doesn’t fit. It doesn’t fit now, it’s unlikely to fit a year from now, and even if it fits again it is going to be like 2-3 years from now.
Right? I am having such a hard time getting rid of things, even though I know that I should…. How do you convince yourself to get rid of old clothes and unused clutter?
Anon
A thought: you will have far less time to go through clothing if you are chasing a little one. If you are afraid of jinxing the childbearing process, make all your decisions and pack up and mark for donation once you are in the throes of parenting or moving in another direction. You will be so glad to have this done.
Anon
If you have the space, you might want them later. I’ve pulled clothes out of storage to rewear.
Anon
If you’ve already gotten replacement work clothing, just toss it. Even if it fits 2-3 years from now, most likely the styles will be dated or at least won’t look fresh to you. I’d just let it go.
Senior Attorney
Agree with this.
Anonymous
You do all the easy stuff first. Get rid of all the obvious stuff that has no emotional attachment. Then figure out what, exactly, is making getting rid of things “such a hard time” for you. Is it the money? The memories of buying those items? That you loved that time of life and don’t want to “say goodbye” to it? That you actually love all those clothes and would wear them again in a heartbeat if you could fit into them? That they remind of you of “Before Times” in some way? That you feel guilty about them for some reason? Or do you just hate to “give up on” something that you once owned?
Then decide how much space you want to use to store stuff that you aren’t using and likely will never use (14″ of hanging space? one drawer? one bin in the back of your closet?). Keep the clothes that are important enough to you to fit into that space. Get rid of the rest. I have designated one box for clothes like this, and I’m fine with storing them and never wearing them. I don’t want a whole closet or bedroom full of this stuff.
Anon
I went through several clothing sizes before, during, and after pregnancy. (Even though I finally lost the baby weight, my shape is different.) Prepregnancy size, maternity clothes, second trimester size that was also my immediate post-baby size, and then my “finally lost the baby weight” size.
Best advice I have is a capsule wardrobe in your current size. Just buy the clothes that fit, maybe hang on to a handful of pieces that you really love, and donate the rest.
Coach Laura
I was WFH since 3/8/2020 and didn’t wear any of my work clothes. Being short and 14-16, finding petite curvy work clothes at a decent price in colors flattering to my Summer tone was always hard for me, so I crafted a capsule wardrobe that I loved. Some of the pieces were new in 2020, some older but a lot of them I loved.
I retired last month and this month I went through all my suits, blazers, swackets, dresses, blouses and dress pants. I gave away 95% of it. It was so hard! And a bit sad. I kept pieces that I loved – Chanel-type tweed jacket, MMLF Dress and jardigan, one dress pair of ponte pants, no close jacket to wear over a funeral dress and all of the swackets that fit and dressier cardigans. I kept my boots, booties and sandals. The rest was donated. Very sad but also freeing. I may do some consulting work in the future but if I do I’ll buy new. I also got rid of anything casual that I hadn’t worn in a year. Progress but hard.
My advice – keep 1-3 things that you really love, that are new/like new and likely to be classic enough to wear.
Anom
I think I screwed up admitting to a new partner that I’m not ambitious. I thought it was super obvious bc I’m a 13th year associate (specialist practice). I have a reputation internally for being reliable and competent, but I’m not active in firm initiatives etc. I really admire the new partner and would see her as a role model (weird since we are same age). But I probably should have played the game and talked up being ambitious to prove I’m a team player. Argh. I probably would have been more circumspect if the person I was speaking to was not a women of my own age. Double argh.
Anonymous
Hmm, what is giving you the signal that you screwed up and there are negative implications for you (or for how she sees you)?
FWIW, I’m director-level, not a lawyer, but totally respect other career objectives and different kinds of ambition. If a high performer told me they wanted to grow their skills to become a specialized individual contributor I would rather send them on that pathway than push them into an ill-suited management role.
Anon
Can’t remember if I hit post or not….is Zika risk still a concern in 2023? My husband does not want to travel to South America/the Caribbean while we’re trying to conceive. Advice looks mixed…the actual numbers are quite low, but there are still warnings.
Anonymous
Yes. It’s a low risk but my fertility clinic flagged it.
Cat
you did above.