This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.
This Calvin Klein pump has been around for ages — and while they typically have a lot of neutrals like blacks and skin tones, they have a bunch of nice saturated suede colors for fall. Of course I'm a fan of this winey purple — I always feel like purple wine-colored shoes go great with navy, and are a nice pop of color with other outfits. If I had a pair of dark green trousers or a dark green dress I'd absolutely try them with that color as well!
The heels are $109, available in sizes 5-11 at Zappos and DSW. (This more affordable Bandolino pump also looks great.)
Psst: Weird, but also from Calvin Klein: here's a faux suede dress at Nordstrom Rack in the same purple.
This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!
Psst: Here are our latest favorite wine-colored, purple pumps for work!
Sales of note for 10.24.24
- Nordstrom – Fall sale, up to 50% off!
- Ann Taylor – Friends of Ann Event, 30% off! Suits are included in the 30% off!
- Banana Republic Factory – 40-60% off everything, and redeem Stylecash!
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
- J.Crew – Friends & Family event, 30% off sitewide.
- J.Crew Factory – 40% off everything
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Up to 30% off on new arrivals
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 40% off entire purchase, plus free shipping no minimum
- White House Black Market – Buy more, save more; buy 3+ get an extra 50% off
anon
Anyone in the Bay Area who can recommend a plastic surgeon for rhinoplasty? I started talking to the dr who does botox for me, and have a consult booked, but I think it would be worth looking around. Any recommendations very much welcome! At the ripe old age of 43 I’ve finally decided I can do something about the nose I have hated all my life.
Anon
San Francisco – Corey Maas MD
Oakland – Michael Cedars MD
anon
Thanks! I’m the OP. Corey Maas is the person I see for botox. He seems like a good option for a rhinoplasty too. I actually think I found him through this s*te.
Anon
I went to L&P Aesthetics in Palo Alto in 2018 and continue to go to them for other minor things. It was on the pricier side but they do a lot of rhinoplasties. My recovery was seamless and I love my results.
anonypotamus
Jumping on this – any Bay Area (preferably San Jose/South Bay) recommendations for botox?
Anonymous
I need to scream. I spent the whole morning dealing with an obnoxious client where I had to pretend to be happy and put on a fake face. Then I come downstairs for lunch (it’s DHs turn to cook, we alternate) and he put asparagus and beets in the taco salad?!?! So I had to be fake nice to him too and protect his feelings. (We have corn, peppers, avocado, and several other appropriate veggies in the fridge).
Anon
No, if someone puts asparagus and beets in taco salad they need to be shamed.
Vicky Austin
Strong Schrute vibes from your husband, OP.
Anon
My MIL puts celery in pasta sauce because “it’s healthy” and we’ve learned to avoid suggesting pasta when we eat with them.
Anon
Haha oh no, I like celery in tomato sauce!
Anon
Just NO CARROTS in pasta sauce, please!
Vicky Austin
Back because I was reminded that my husband had a college roommate/beloved friend (this guy was in our wedding!) who makes egg sandwiches using cinnamon raisin bagels. Yes, really.
Anon
This is like the food version of being color blind.
OP
Pretty much, I was so looking forward to lunch and to have it ruined by crappy food and having to stuff my feelings even deeper down wasn’t great.
Anonymous
I once dated a guy who put blue cheese on all things taco or salsa related. Tacos. Taco salad. Scrambled eggs with salsa and, yes, blue cheese. No other type of cheese would do. I… still do not understand.
NYNY
Was this a factor in your breakup? If so, totally fair.
anon
Next time it’s his turn to make taco salad, suggest a taco-salad bar where you each choose what goes in your salad.
Formerly Lilly
You are very kind! To both. But especially to your husband who has committed a culinary felony.
Anonymous
I love the term culinary felony! Thanks all for your kind words and agreement, I was worried I was being too picky.
KS IT Chick
I like both. But that sounds very wrong. I hope he can tell you why he chose them.
Anon Australian
Wtf is a taco salad?! I just googled it and that itself seems a crime.
Anon
Thanks for all the comments on my Boston post this morning – I just replied in the thread 😊
anon
Put a loafer in this color, and I’d be allll over it.
pugsnbourbon
These might fit the bill if you’re okay with a lug sole: https://www.nordstrom.com/s/maibel-platform-penny-loafer-women/7129187?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FWomen%2FShoes%2FOxfords%20%26%20Loafers&fashioncolor=Burgundy&color=930
Anon
+1
Heels are very beautiful but I feel like very few women I know wear them anymore.
Anon
Same.
Anon
Agreed. I’d like a pointy loafer in this colour because I’m never buying high heels again. I have a couple of pairs if I want to wear them but there’s no occasion that really calls for them anymore.
Anon
They’re coming back. They had a life support moment but I see women in them all the time now. Pandemic o-vah and style is back kids.
Kay
There can be style without heels or wearing anything uncomfortable.
anon
Help me find a bed covering. Our old duvet has seen much better days. I use a quilt during the summer, but I strongly prefer the puffiness and weight of a duvet when it’s cold. I’ve tried to change and cannot deal with the lack of snuggliness; that’s for summertime sleeping. I’m looking for a down-alternative duvet (allergies!) that is a Goldilocks: not too light, not too heavy. In perimenopause, I occasionally have issues with night sweating so would prefer to err on the lighter side for the duvet and layer with a cotton blanket if needed. In the winter, we usually keep the house around 65 degrees at night.
Anon
In the past, this might have been a Tuesday Morning purchase for me, but I haven’t been there in ages. IKEA has midweight down-alternative comforters.
I have a lovely down alternative pillow from Pacific Down, but I haven’t tried their comforter.
Anne-on
I just bought a down alternative duvet from Cuddledown and I really like it! I did one of the printed ones so I don’t have to fuss with a duvet cover – the oversized option is really nice as I find duvets are oddly short width-wise and my husband is a champion cover stealer.
Anonymous
In your situation I’d look for a duvet filled with silk fibers.
A
Company store
Anon
I am fully in menopause and still have hot flashes. I now need the heaviest, warmest comforter because when I’m not flashing, I’m freezing. Then I flash and have to throw all the covers off. Life is fun!
Anonymous
Have had a silk one before and am now using an ikea one which is lighter, but heavy enough
Secondhand shopper
Hi all. I took a lower stress but lower paying job recently and have needed to cut back on expenses. This inspired me to look into using sites like Ebay to find clothes. So far I’ve been successful if I stick with brands I know & I make sure to use (or ask for) garment measurements to get the sizing right. What are your favorite clothing or fashion items to get? What sites do you use?
Anon
I’ve recently gotten into Poshmark and really enjoy it. If you know what size you are at specific brands you can have a lot of luck.
Anon
Poshmark all the way.
Vicky Austin
+1
Anokha
+1 Poshmark. Once I find a top that I like, I just buy duplicates in other colors off Poshmark. (I’m looking at you, Didion top from MM)
Anon
The Real Real
Emma
Mercari is great too!
Also I go to Goodwill since I live in the SF (lots of rich people). As long I stick to brands I know in my size, I tent to score pretty great finds, even if they’re not the things I would have bought from those brands new. I look for Madewell, Anthropologie, Uniqlo, Oak and Fort, Free People, Banana Republic etc.
Anon
Mercari and eBay. I get most of my clothes from eBay if I’m being honest. I buy Eileen Fisher and Flax linen for summer, Talbots dress pants for work occasions (I like the discontinued bi stretch pants – there are still so many on eBay and Mercari), and Eileen Fisher for all kinds of gorgeous natural fiber warm sweaters for cooler weather. Lately, I’ve also found the Athleta Brooklyn pants on eBay. I buy just about everything new with tags. I’m willing to go gently used for Eileen Fisher, but if it’s wool/alpaca/yak/cashmere, I throw it in the freezer (in a ziploc) for 3 weeks in case of moth larvae.
I also buy handbags on The Real Real very occasionally, but I have two Cuyana totes that I bought new several years ago – I am such a r3tte! – that pretty much obviate the need for any other handbags.
The things I buy new tend to be underwear, jeans, and tops. I bargain hunt for these things and I find it more economical to just buy new.
If I were starting over workwear-wise, I’d also be looking for MM La Fleur dresses and tops on eBay. I have enough so they’re not in my regular searches.
KS IT Chick
Swap dot com.
Formerly Lilly
Poshmark.
-You can filter by “new with tags” if you like.
-Pay attention to the actual measurements, or ask for them if not provided, in case the item has been mis-labeled. (Ask me how I know, and I’ll show you the Eileen Fisher crepe pants that are as tall as I am.).
-Set up an account and you can “like” particular items using the little heart icon. I’d say about 25-30% of the time, you’ll get a discounted offer from the seller as a result.
Anon
Ha you’re so right about measurements. The original EF crepe pants hit tall me right above the ankle. One eBay pair hit me just below the knees, and the alterations job was done very poorly. Fortunately that seller took returns.
ATL
I use Poshmark to buy a good chunk of my workwear and some of my non-work clothes. I have bought items I already own and live in a size up or a replacement for something that’s worn out, but I also find a lot of good things by searching generic terms like “silk blouse” or “career” and filter for dresses or whatever. I like everything that catches my eye so the seller will sometimes send an offer or o can make an offer etc.
Case in point: I’m wearing a J Crew sweater blazer today that I got on Poshmark for $20 and it’s in flawless condition. Definitely a major score!
Anon
Congratulations on your new job!
Dresses and pants are my favourite items. People tend to buy dresses for events then don’t wear them again so they are in perfect condition. Pants because they are less forgiving on waistlines. Homewares too.
I visit my local thrift stories and use Ebay.
Another Anon
Are weezie towels really that great or is it mostly influencer marketing?
anon
I have a Weezie robe I got on sale and I would say it’s not worth the hype. A lot of the loops had breakage immediately, and when I emailed their customer service, they told me this happened from brushing hair – nevermind that I do not have the type of hair that you brush, and have not actually “brushed” my hair since I was a kid (tbh I thought it was such a tone-deaf response, given that hair is so associated with race). I do like their monogramming styles, though.
Anon
My fave is having areas of congestion under the skin. Skin is swollen and red and painful when touched. There isn’t any sig. of a whitehead forming and nothing seems pop-able. So I am leaving them alone. Makeup won’t hide this. I am too old for this sh*t. What is going on and is there any quick derm fix?
Vicky Austin
I forget what they’re called, but sometimes zits get buried deep in an underlayer of skin. Hot washcloths is the answer for this.
Anne-on
Hot washcloths alternated by sulfur ointment to calm everything down is my usual go-to. If that doesn’t do the trick the ordinary peel might work but I don’t touch it anymore after I literally gave myself a chemical burn when using it for 7 minutes (I timed it!) – the suggested application is 10 minutes btw. If your skin is tougher I might start with that and then do the hot washcloths.
You have my sympathies, I woke up this morning to a massive rosacea flare as apparently a new highlighter I tried violently angered my face. I used a smaller than pea-sized amount. Yay for sensitive/reactive skin.
Anon
Try the de la Cruz sulfur cream as a 10 minute mask 1-2 times a day. I bought some based on recs here, and I used it on those burgeoning cysts. It really calmed them down and they never came to a head. They just faded away.
Don’t use it on your whole face – just where you’re breakout prone.
Anon
The Mighty Patch micro point. I wear them overnight.
Anon
Despite their claims there aren’t any patches that can actually prevent/minimize pre-eruption acne— they just help heal eruptions faster. Just throwing out there not to waste your money because mighty patch is expensive. I have had success healing spots fast after they pop with the alba botanicals ones— they’re much more affordable.
Anonymous
Not a quick fix, but spironolactone fixed this for me.
Anon
Does this have a name? Is it acne or some sort of rosacea thing or something else?
Anon
Spironolactone is the name?
Anon
Sorry — does the condition or blemish have a name?
Anon
Anon- you need to see a dermatologist for a diagnosis.
Anonymous
It’s the name of a medication, prescribed by my derm.
Anon
Also went on it in my mid-30s after a lifetime of minimal acne when my hormones seem to be changing and I started getting bacne, hairline bumps, deep chin bumps, etc. not sure if I’m staying on it though because it wipes me out.
pugsnbourbon
Spiro has been a godsend. It took almost a year on it to see full results but once we got the dose right it was like magic. I’ve been on it for about five years and not had any side effects aside from head rushes/vertigo when I stand up (I already have low blood pressure).
Deep South
My teen uses those acne dots and they are miraculous. CosX from Amazon for less that $10.
Anonymous
COSRX – don’t get a knock-off. :)
Anon
Agree with a comment up thread, hydrocolloid zit bandages are only good for zits that have already erupted. They draw gunk out. There’s no mechanism for healing or minimizing acne that’s still under the skin. They’re good for camouflage (I find they don’t show on zoom at all) or keeping you from picking at them if that’s your habit, but even the pronged ones with a little bit of salicylic acid aren’t going to do anything about the cyst.
Anon
Cystic acne is the devil.
anon
Clearasil Rapid Rescue – I was shocked at how effective it was
Anon
I agree wholeheartedly.
Another anon
Tea tree oil sometimes helps lessen these for me.
Anon
Tea tree oil is the magic stuff for these type of non-visible but painful puffy skin problems.
Don’t be like my husband and accidentally apply lavender oil instead, haha!
Anon
I posted the other day about being nervous for my bivalent booster. I have a history of getting really, really sick (fever, chills, body aches, dizinesss, intense headache.)
I’m pleased to say I did not get sick from this one. Today I have a sore arm and a headache, but I didn’t have the 1AM wake up with teeth chattering chills.
I think it helped that I took naproxen sodium and acetaminophen ahead of symptoms – about 2 hours after my vaccine for the naproxen, and 5 hours for the acetaminophen – because I anticipated the reaction
Anyway, go get your booster!!
Anon
Glad it went well! I’m finally getting it tomorrow – I had non Covid illness for a couple weeks and then was traveling/had important work stuff I couldn’t be down with side effects for.
Cat
Glad it went well for you! Mine is scheduled for the 21st – good weekend to be down with side effects if I get them, plus it will be a relatively fresh immune boost for the “make up for the lost years” epic Thanksgiving we’re attending.
Senior Attorney
Definitely get your booster! My husband delayed because he was sure he’d be sick for two days, and now he has COVID and will be out of commission for at least a week. Meanwhile I got the booster and only had a slightly sore arm and am negative and symptom-free.
Anon
Ugh, sorry to hear husband has COVID! Hope he’s not too sick.
Senior Attorney
He’s hanging in there. His lungs are clear and he says he’s feeling better today, which is Day 3.
Anon
My ER doctor spouse advised me to drink lots of fluids and take a baby aspirin a day for two weeks after symptoms are gone, since many have unexpected blood clot issues during that time frame.
Senior Attorney
Yes, he and I are both on anti-clotting medication (me from my bout a couple of months ago). Thanks!
Shananana
I decided since I am already a month into a miserable allergy season to get both my flu shot and my bivalent booster last weekend (historically both having affected me) and can also report that other than two sore arms I felt no less terrible than the allergies are already making me.
pugsnbourbon
That’s good to hear. My wife got hers Friday and was miserable all weekend – but she’s had a nasty reaction to every covid shot she’s gotten. Here’s hoping mine won’t be too bad.
Anon
Same! I replied to your original post. I had a really bad headache for a few hours but didn’t get sick at all otherwise. I had notified work I’d be home sick, had my gatorades, tylenol and thermometer bedside and was ready to go to war with the side effects and…. (almost) nothing.
Anon
I cleared my work calendar for two days!! I did finally agree to a call (no camera because I’m staying in PJs today) this afternoon because other than a headache the pain relievers can’t quite get to, I feel normal.
Such a relief!
My kids are going to be psyched about all the Gatorade in the fridge that is now up for grabs.
Claudia
Help! I’m almost 40 and spent most of my life doing my own thing and focusing on being comfortable when it came to clothing. I am all of a sudden super interested in looking well put together and maybe even trendy/stylish. I have no idea where to start for what’s in and appropriate for my age and body (size 10). Where should I turn for inspiration?
Anon
I’m kind of curious about this, also. I used to have magazine subscriptions and now even everything at the checkout is about decorating or celebrities. Where can a normal person go to get hair, makeup, clothes advice and maybe some health / excercise tips and gear? Self? InStyle? When I last had my nails done, they had them (but who knows, could have been from 2015).
Anonymous
tiktok has lots of good midsize fashion! i prefer TT to IG because IG is too perfect aspiraitonal, TT is more messy/how-to.
to the OP you might be interested in this tiktokker – https://www.theguardian.com/fashion/2021/sep/18/the-woman-who-lost-her-personal-style-and-turned-to-tiktok-to-find-it
Anon
It’s all on social media now. Tiktok, Youtube, IG.
Anon
I hate that it’s all on apps now. The last thing I want to do is spend more time looking at my phone.
Anonymous
Here?
Anon
LOL. Yes!
Anonymous
Maybe start with noticing what other people wear – notice clothes in TV series, on the subway, at work – think about what appeals to you, and make a list or an inspiration board (this is what Pintrest is perfect for) with items, colors, textures and shapes that you are drawn to or admire on others. What you like and is drawn to is more important than trendy, if you want to find your own cohesive style.
Can you – after a while noticing – see a style icon or some items or colors you are drawn to more? That’s a basis to start putting things together and thinking about finding some items to add to your wardrobe.
Balanced and well-groomed is key for looking well put together.
Your body size isn’t important – but your shape is. Where do you gain muscles, where do you gain or loose weight, what body parts do you want to highlight the most. Balancing your shape (adding interest at shoulders if you’re a pear is a classic example) will make you look more polished. Actively choosing unbalanced can be very stylish, but maybe a little more advanced than style 101.
Some shops you could look at are
Mango – fast fashion, but they do well for 40ies and is on trend.
Boden – some of it very yummy mummy, but a lot is coloful, fun – and good for 40ies women who like colors.
Max Mara – expensive, but might be a style inspiration for more beige and minimal (luxe) looks.
Senior Attorney
I get some good ideas just by wandering around actual retail brick and mortar stores.
Senior Attorney
More specifically, looking at window displays and how they have the clothes styled on the mannequins.
anon
Honestly I’d get a Rent the Runway subscription and just start trying stuff – figure out if you want flamboyant fun weekend wear or cool chic neutrals or if you want to be the person always in flowy caftans or whatever. Or maybe you want to shift between personas! If you are doing this for you, figure out what “you” is when it comes to clothing self expression and a cheap way is to try stuff in your real life without committing to buying. Other than in a professional context of being too revealing, IMO there is no “appropriate” for age and body size if you are happy.
If you are doing this for an external audience (want the benefits that come with how others perceive you) that is a bit different is more important to figure out what image you are trying to project to what specific audience.
Anonymous
OP here, I’m more interested in an external audience. I’ve always felt invisible and have been ok with that, but with some life changes I’m getting more attention and realized I need to try harder. Thanks for all of the feedback!
A
Someone here recommended Charley Goss on instagram for exactly this. I do not like influencers at all, use instragram mainly to look at aspirational historic homes, and absolutely love her. I’ve found it so so helpful. (Thanks btw to the poster who recommended her!)
Anonymous
Really? I find her mean-spirited and unfollowed her
Anonymous
Same! I’m starting to wonder if all these anon’s recommending her are maybe just her employees…
Anon
Second this! Her sense of humor may not be for everyone, but it’s how I talk with my girlfriends so I love it. I find it refreshing and appreciate the blunt honesty!
PolyD
Ugh, how do you find people on Instagram? The only Charley Goss coming up for me is a hockey player!
TN
Same happened to me! Try Charly with no “e” 🙂
Anon
I have had a fluctuating weight pattern for my entire life so perhaps some of my re-wardrobing tips can help you.
Step zero is to go through your closet and mercilessly get rid of things that don’t fit you, are stained or torn, show a lot of wear, or just make you feel the opposite of put together. Maybe demote one or two to cleaning/painting/yardwork clothes, but get rid of the rest.
1) choose a couple of base neutral colors, for me sometimes it’s black and grey in the winter, navy and lighter grey in the summer – I am not a beige/camel person but that’s another option. Stick to just two base neutrals because that way all your stuff is going to coordinate, and that is key to looking put together.
2) focus on the items you wear. If you’re a dress person, maybe a black or grey sheath, or both. For me, I’m more into a classic trouser, so I have black, navy, and charcoal in a classic, non-trendy straight leg shape. If you’re in a formal business wear environment, you might want to choose bottoms from a collection that includes matching suit jackets.
3) focus on fit rather than quantity. Buy fewer, better base pieces. 3 pairs of pants + professional hemming is a better investment than 10 pairs of stretchy casual pants in whatever color was on sale that look not so great.
4) now fill in with tops. I like to have at least one same-color top for each of my bottoms – so in my case, black, navy, and gray shells – for the column of color concept. But I also like to wear “my colors” in tops, so I also have a handful of mid blue and muted berry tops.
5) think about “third pieces” like jackets (more causal than suit jackets), structured cardigans like the sweater jackets featured here recently, maybe a leather jacket or hoodies for more causal looks.
6) have nice shoes that are in good condition that go with all of your base colors. Good condition is key here. Buy good quality shoes that fit your feet. I always think an elongated toe is more put-together than a round toe. If you carry a bag it should also be in top condition.
You don’t need a lot. You need good and well-fitting.
Anon
This is good advice, thanks.
Vicky Austin
I keep getting “sponsored posts” at the bottom of posts here that are from The Well-Dressed Life blog. See if that speaks to you.
Anon
Browse WhoWhatWear, Vogue and Harpers Bazaar. Take notes on what you really like and what suits models with the same complexion as you. (Ergghhh, what suits Zendaya will not suit me and she’s half my age so filter out the non-applicable stuff).
WhoWhatWear’s ‘former Nordstrom buyer’ often has good tips and is closer to our age.
Anonymous
Philly folks, where should I stay the night of Nov 11? I am running in the Rocky Run, which starts/ends at the art museum, at 7am on the morning of the 12th. Hotel rooms are very, very booked–due to this run? something else? Anyway, I’m trying to decide if I should be looking at hotels further out from the City Center. I will have my husband and son and a car with me, but I am assuming parking near the race start will be hard, so we will likely want to take public transit or a car service to get there, and we won’t all be going together. And I know we will probably have to pay for overnight parking at the hotel if we stay in the city center. Ideally I would like to pay under $300 and have a separate sleeping area for our son. We live in Brooklyn and have low standards for space and quiet.
Anonymous
No. Your budget is just way off.
Another anon
I wouldn’t try to park near the start on the day of the race, and if you need to look further out, look north and west. It’s hard to cross the Ben Franklin Parkway or to come from the east side of the city on race day. There may also be some AirBnB options in Fairmount, but there are not many hotels. Signed, a runner and Art Museum area resident.
Cat
Do not drive into Center City (not City Center FYI) on a race day and even car service can be a PITA thanks to the number of streets blocked off around the Parkway.
As far as neighborhoods, you could look for lodging in University City (around Penn’s and Drexel’s campus) or Airbnb’s west of Broad.
If you really want to stick with a hotel, I would consider staying at the airport if you can’t find something reasonable that’s in Center City. Septa from the airport to 30th St Station is a 20 min trip, gets you to within a 15 min walk of the start.
Anonymous
Thanks all, this is helpful. We had a nice vacation in Philly several years ago, and I don’t remember hotels being nearly so pricey or hard to find, but I guess this is a popular weekend. Or maybe the pandemic led to a lot of hotels closing? Anyway, I appreciate the responses.
anon hats
Does anyone have any opinions of the versatility of black or gray on this hat style? I usually wear straw hats in summer for sun protection, and want to extend to winter for more sun protection (SoCal), but aren’t really used to hats in winter, nor wearing them with regular outfits…
https://www.madewell.com/madewell-x-biltmorereg%3B-montana-felt-hat-AA562.html?dwvar_AA562_color=BK5229&cgid=accessories-hats-felt#prefn1=isBackroom&prefv1=false&srule=Price-Low-to-High&start=3&sz=24
Smokey
The link is not working for me, but when I want what is most versatile I almost always go with black.
pugsnbourbon
I really like this and might buy it. The review says the gray is more charcoal than pictured, so that’s what I’d get.
anon hats
Here’s a better link! I bought the gray: https://www.madewell.com/madewell-x-biltmorereg%3B-montana-felt-hat-AA562.html?dwvar_AA562_color=BK5229&cgid=labelswelove-biltmore#start=1
thanks for the comments!
opinions needed
IUp until sometime in 2018 or so, I was part of a small group who would occasionally gather to celebrate milestones. Toward the end of 2018 the group essentially dissolved with only three members continuing to gather. When the pandemic hit, there were a couple of zoom calls between the three remaining members but soon one of the three stopped attending and essentially ghosted the remaining two. Fast forward to current day: one of the group who used to attend our in person gatherings and who is not up to date on what became of the group reached out proposing we all gather. There’s been no response by anyone. I would like to acknowledge her text but I’m struggling as to what to say. What is a good response declining the offer to gather without speaking for or throwing shade at anyone else?
Senior Attorney
Hi, Susie. Turns out the group pretty much dissolved toward the end of 2018 and the pandemic was the final nail in its coffin. Thanks for reaching out, though! Hope you are well.
Anon
Haha shots fired, shots returned!!
Anon
I like this! If you actually care to communicate/continue a relationship with this person, you can tweak slightly to some thing like this “… coffin. But I’d love to reconnect one-on-one! What’s your schedule look like next week?” or similar
Anon
Do you never want to see this person again? Or just not with this group? If the former I wouldn’t respond. If the latter is respond just to her and say we haven’t gathered as a group in a while but would be great to catch up, how about drinks on X date?
NYCer
+1. If you are interested in being her friend, just respond to her directly separately from the group chain.
Anonymous
This. I assume she knows the group hasn’t been active and is looking to restart. If you’re not interested that’s fine but I don’t think it’s weird or shady that friend groups and habits/schedule involved. Things fade out, I’ve never seen an ‘and brunch group is officially done’ email.
Anon
Unless you really like this person, are friends with her in some other context, and want to remain in some kind of contact with her, I also just wouldn’t respond. I realize some people might think that’s rude or cowardly, but honestly, it’s probably a kinder response than coming up with some version of “doesn’t look like anyone wants to be friends any more LOL, no need to text again.”
I was part of a group that would get texted by a long-ago former coworker to get together on the rare occasions when she’d come into town. I never saw those folks other than when we’d get together for those occasional awkward happy hours and finally asked myself, why am I doing this? The last time she texted the group asking to get together, I just didn’t respond to the text. Neither did anyone else, until someone finally texted back “looks like people can’t make it work, hope everyone is well!” and that was the end of the exchange. Some people have a hard time letting go of past relationships that have run their course (no shade; I myself have been guilty of this) and I think sometimes it’s best to let things just fade rather than abruptly cut them off.
Anon
I hate this. Just be honest but polite.
OP, just respond directly to her and speak on your own behalf.
Anon
Sometimes all it takes is one person responding in the affirmative to get things going again. If you enjoyed the group, why not say “let’s get together, XYZ dates are good for me.” You don’t need to let a fade prevent a reconnection.
OP
Thank you, all.
Senior Attorney
For your reading pleasure, I am delighted to present a (real) amicus brief filed by The Onion in a Supreme Court dealing with whether parody is protected speech under the constitution: https://www.supremecourt.gov/DocketPDF/22/22-293/242292/20221003125252896_35295545_1-22.10.03%20-%20Novak-Parma%20-%20Onion%20Amicus%20Brief.pdf
Anonymous
Where would you go for a quick weekend away with your husband in November? The big thing is that we prefer to eat outdoors. We could go to Chicago (original plan, but probably too cold), drive to Pittsburgh, Detroit, Columbus — or fly to Atlanta. Atlanta, right? (What should we do there?)
Cat
if you’re willing to fly, why limit yourself to Atlanta?
Anonymous
he only does direct flights (sigh)
Anon
If it’s only direct flights then you need to be prepared to eat indoors. It’s cold in November.
Anon
Atlanta should be totally fine for outdoor dining then. Honestly it depends on your cold tolerance but I live in a far colder place (Chicago area) and regularly do outdoor dining through December. A lot of restaurants have heat lamps now.
Cat
What is this, Delta nonstop from Cincinnati only? What’s wrong with Ft Lauderdale (close to Palm Beach or Miami)
Anonymous
Because it’ll be a week or so after the election I’m trying to avoid FL; they seem to have a high concentration of crazies. When I did the Google search Orlando and Miami were both options.
Anon
I think it’s silly to avoid Florida just because it’s a week after the midterm election. If outdoor dining is important to you, go to Miami.
Anonymous
This is grounds for divorce.
Vicky Austin
I disagree. Being annoyed by flying is…human. Putting your foot down about it doesn’t seem that far-fetched.
Beets and Asparagus Taco Salad Man upthread, however…
Anon
Would be grounds for divorce for me for sure!
Anon
No, do not make me spend my precious free time in airports. Direct flights or die!
Anon
I like direct flights too and we live near Chicago so we can fly direct most places. We definitely pay more for direct flights. But to insist on never taking anything but a direct flight if you can only fly to one city on a nonstop and that city is Atlanta? No f-ing way.
NYCer
Atlanta is the only direct flight from your airport? Nowhere in Florida even?
Anon
Your husband is the one with flight restrictions. Your husband should be the one planning this trip. Put it down and leave it.
Laura
I mean, in a nested comment she clarified that she doesn’t want to go to Florida because of the ‘crazies’ so not sure it’s all on him.
Anon
Atlanta should have decent weather then but I agree why limit yourself if you’re willing to fly? Charleston, Savannah, Napa, Sedona would all be on my list.
Cat
I would add Palm Beach, New Orleans, Austin…
My impression of Atlanta is that it’s giant and sprawling and you spend a lot of time getting to whatever it is you want to do… but I’ve only been for a wedding and was frustrated that by the time I needed to be back at the hotel getting ready, I had time for like, one brunch.
Anon
My SIL lived there. We’ve only visited once but we stayed downtown and had a lot of fun. We went to the farmers market and a lot of the big museums (aquarium, civil rights museum, CNN). There are some great restaurants in that area. I had a kid though so definitely a different kind of travel then a couples trip.
Anon
I apologize in advance to locals, but Atlanta is awful. Do not go to Atlanta. The only reason to go to Atlanta is because your Delta flight has you connecting through there to somewhere else. Atlanta is concrete and traffic and clunky mid-rises with occasional pockets of leafy, older residential areas.
New Orleans would be my rec. Charleston, Savannah?
MBAMags
I live in Atlanta and would say that it’s not my first choice for a weekend getaway. If you do choose Atlanta- I’d consider one of our suburbs- Athens (UGA, lots of bars/ nightlife, arts scene), Serenbe (planned community with beautiful B&B in South Fulton County, or drive into the N. GA mountains-Blue Ridge, Dahlonega, Jasper are all wonderful as well. Midtown/ Downtown (where the aquarium, Fox Theater, all the tourist attractions) is definitely concrete and traffic. reach out to me at mdickerson34 at gatech .edu for more specific recs based on your interests!
Anonymous
OK, Athens is not a suburb of Atlanta. It is very much a town in it’s own right.
No Face
If you want to eat outdoors in November, you need to head south!
Anonymous
I am not going to stan for Atlanta as a tourist town, but if what you want is a place to go where you can make a favorable bet on good weather and find good outdoor dining and enough city and cultural stuff to fill a weekend, Atlanta can fulfill those requirements quite well. What are you looking to do? If you know the specific weekend already, or possible weekends, perhaps build the trip around an event. For example, the B-52s are playing at the Fox Theatre and Billy Joel/Lionel Richie/Sheryl Crow are paying the stadium in November. Maybe build a trip around one of those if they appeal. Also, if you are willing to expand your definition of “cultural” to include Black and Southern, there is plenty here — whether you want to go to the MLK site and the civil rights museum (rare opportunities to see Black history not from the perspective of the slaveholder (I am looking at you, Charleston) and the Atlanta History Center — or view exhibitions of two Black artists plus Rodin at the High Museum — or see more current Black culture and music (we have a Trap Music Museum!). There is excellent dining to be found here and heated patios are very common. Plus, you can walk the Beltline through the city for miles to enjoy the weather, murals, and art installations, and (unlike the Highline) even get to places you actually want to go (Piedmont Park! Good restaurants and breweries! Ponce City Market!). Just focus your stay around the truly intown areas and concentrate your activities so you aren’t traveling a lot in a day or much on the highway. Do not stay in Buckhead or anywhere north of Midtown or anywhere outside the perimeter (i.e., not in Atlanta).
All that said, New Orleans can be magical in November, if that is a possibility.
Anon
+1 I don’t understand the Atlanta hate. It’s not Paris, but we had a nice time when we visited.
Anonymous
If you are still checking, add to the list the holiday lights at the Botanical Garden, which is an evening activity that can follow a great dinner and include cocktails while walking the garden. It is lovely, especially the first time, and the weather this year, thanks to La Niña, is supposed to be quite mild. Or you can bundle up and snuggle.
Anonymous
If you’ve consigned with The Real Real – what happens if you send them stuff that they don’t want? Cannot find it on their consignor terms.
Anon
Most of my work wardrobe is from TRR but I’ve heard terrible things about selling with them. Including not getting stuff back.
joan wilder
They mail it back to you but seller beware. They lost a number of our items in the processing and when we got the remainder back, it included several items that don’t belong to us.
Anonie
To the OP who asked about antidepressants, I left a reply in the AM thread. Rooting for you! You WILL get through this.
Anon
Thanks to the hive for all the inspiration to Do The Thing!
I’m posting here to say I Started The Thing!
I haven’t finished it, but treating it as baby steps helped for me. I told myself some version of:
– look at it to see what are the possible next steps
– maybe just start it off, or just do it for 10 minutes, or whatever – then you can take a break and go get some tea.
One of the reasons preventing me from doing The Thing was that it was too complicated, would take too long, I’m not even sure where to start etc. So for anyone else for whom that is a barrier – Start The Thing!
I plan to work on mine a little more today, and then more towards the end of this week.
AIMS
Good for you! I red something recently about how it’s better and easier to have more specific goals like “write 100 pages” instead of “finish novel” – so it sounds like you’re on the right track!
AIMS
*read, obviously