Coffee Break: Gold Lana Monogrammed Oval Signet Ring

85 Comments

1. Just want to run this scenario by the hive to see if I’m right to feel insulted.

   My cousin is getting married. His fiancée has begun planning and is going dress shopping next week. My aunt and uncle (not his parents) sat down all of his cousins, including me, to ‘remind’ us that my cousin and his wife don’t have jobs like us and can’t afford a wedding like ones we had, and that when we go dress shopping, she will have a small budget and spend less on her dress than us married ones spent on our shoes. We were told to remember that if we can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.

   Considering we are all grown adults, am I right to feel insulted by this lecture?

   1. I understand the need to have an understanding that there are those with more and those with less and to comport yourself accordingly with empathy but I would be a bit insulted by this. It reads as if they do not trust you to have good manners. Would they be justified in being concerned that any of your cousins might say something rude and thus sat you all down as opposed to speaking to only the likely offenders? If not they are severely off base. Perhaps they are sensitive about the fact that you all are a bit better off financially / career wise than these two are and that makes them feel insecure – either way I think you have a right to be insulted, but I would try to chalk it up to them being weird and try to move beyond if there is nothing else egregious that happens.

   2. I can see why you feel insulted, but it sounds like it came from a good place – trying to protect your cousin and especially his wife-to-be, who is just joining your family, from comments that might be hurtful – and I would try not to get too hung up on it. Telling you “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all” is certainly condescending, but personally I would appreciate a head’s up about a bride’s budget before going shopping with her. Is there a chance you have one rude cousin who really needed to hear this “be nice” lecture and so they sat you all down together so as not to single out that person?

      1. Agree about the one rude cousin problem resulting in a lecture for all.

         I’d assume good intentions and play nice.

         1. +1

   3. It might have been a misguided attempt at not calling out one or two people who made snarky comments, ie instead of addressing it with the people who made catty remarks, everyone got the lecture.

      But rude nonetheless.

   4. I think this is condescending, but meant well. perhaps Aunt has watched a few episodes of Say Yes to the Dress and is worried that the “entourage” will encourage her to try on more expensive dresses? (Assuming you’re going shopping with her — if you’re not, this is SUPER weird.)

   5. Yup. Unless there’s more to the story (like that you all, as a group, have routinely mocked your cousin for spending less on other stuff, or were jerks to another family member who couldn’t afford something you all could, or something), the preemptive “don’t be an a-hole because your cousin is poorer than you” lecture seems unnecessary, absent some specific reason for believing you all weren’t going to adhere to basic standards of decency otherwise.

      The only thing I can think is, maybe they were trying to money-grab on your cousin’s behalf?

      1. They aren’t his parents and having nothing to do with planning or paying, and knowing my cousin who is too proud to accept help for something like this, I don’t think it has anything to do with money. They are asking for charity donations to whatever charity we want in lieu of a registry so they don’t strike me as being grabby. It’s probably about the engagement party and stopping anything going forward like my uncle said.

         1. Agreed – with the added info about some of the cousins’ behavior/possible commentary at the engagement party, I now think it’s more likely an attempt to curtail the bad behavior of a few without directly singling them out.

   6. Thanks for the responses! My uncle said they decided to sit us down because we were a little bit “hauty” about the choice of venue for their engagement party (a Legion hall) and the lack of engagement ring and he just wanted to “nip it in the bud” before the wedding. I admit that the Legion hall was terrible but I would never say anything about it. I’m thinking your right and maybe one of my cousins did and I shouldn’t let it get to me.

      1. your = you’re. Thank you autocorrect.

      2. I actually respect the family/your for addressing it (it = the fact this problem has already come up, and the addressing the reasonable expectation that it will not come up again). This is your cousin’s wedding and he/she are entitled to whatever they want, big or small, expensive or not, without the editorializing of others.

      3. I actually respect the family/your uncle for addressing it (it = the fact this problem has already come up, and the addressing the reasonable expectation that it will not come up again). This is your cousin’s wedding and he/she are entitled to whatever they want, big or small, expensive or not, without the editorializing of others.

         1. me too

      4. I would be stung if I were in your place (I think anyone would!) but with the additional details, I think your aunt and uncle made the right call to address it head-on.

   7. I can see how one would feel insulted, but I also think that much of the insult may stem from the fact that you didn’t “defend” yourself and the situation lingered. If it were me, I would have stood up, stared down at the offenders, and said in the coldest voice possible, “I’m going to forget that you think it necessary to remind me to be polite and nice and a decent human being.” And then sweep from the room.

      The only reason that I have a response like this on hand is because I have relatives who regularly throw out insults like this and don’t ever realize it. So while I don’t feel insulted by what they are saying–they just don’t know any better–I won’t take that crap, either.

      1. This response seems unnecessarily dramatic, and possibly a confirmation of one’s haughtiness (why be a d*ck to someone just for requesting that you don’t be a d*ck?). It sounds like their hearts were completely in the right place, and they were correct in observing an undercurrent of snottiness, and just wanted to make sure people didn’t get carried away with it. The most mature response would be “Of course, dear aunt and uncle, we love cousin and wife-to-be, and are so so happy for them, and even though their wedding is so very different from our own we are delighted to be able to celebrate with them.”

   8. It’s possible the cousin or cousin’s fiancee asked asked the parents to do this or expressed worry about not having the same resources as their family members.

      1. The aunt and uncle who addressed this are not his parents, or any of ours (they are don’t have kids) and they have nothing to do with planning or paying for the wedding. My uncle said there was ‘hauty’ behavior about their engagement being at a Legion hall and they wanted to put an end to that before the wedding.

         1. I saw this comment above after I posted mine. If I am reading this correctly, I could vaguely justify such a comment coming from the parents of affianced, or from MY parents, but NOT from anyone else. Because in that case, the aunt and uncle need to mind their own business.

            1. People in families? Minding their own business?

               Where’s the fun in that?

               ;)

         2. I think it’s actually more appropriate that the groom’s aunt/uncle gave this talk instead of parents. It creates a buffer. A very sweet thing for them to do.

            1. I agree.

            2. +1

            3. I actually think an aunt and uncle observing problematic behavior in the younger generation have a certain responsibility to remind people about how their inconsiderate behavior can hurt others. Awkward, but well intentioned.

      2. that what i was thinking too!

   9. I always feel like you can be insulted any old time you want, but why bother? I feel like this is a great situation for Rule 6: Presume Good Intentions.

      I bet you’re right that somebody else was snarky about the Legion Hall and that’s what brought it on. Nothing to do with you, so just let it go.

      1. Rock solid advice for most any situation, including this one – presume good intentions, and let it go. No wonder we all love you, Senior Attorney, even us quiet ones over here just peeking out of the lurkers’ gallery. (And congratulations on your wedding, which sounded fantastic per all the recent discussion!)

         1. Aw, thanks! It was so fantastic that I’m still exhausted!!

      2. +1 to SA, as always.

2. I’m worried that my work look is out of date and I’ve slipped into frumpiness? I’m an administrator at a high-end Independent School.

   So far this week-navy sheath with long teal cardigan, gold geometric necklace Cole Haan blazer blue wedges; greek blue and white silk shell with white cardi, black ankle pants, black wedges; JCrew red/blue/white patterned cropped pants with white v neck shirt, geometric blue and silver necklace, blazer blue wedges; drapey white shell, camel cardi, chocolate pearls, slim cut black pants, cognac pointy toe wedges; tomorrow I’ll wear black denim skinnies with blue/white/black tunic and black patent leather Italian style loafers.

   I feel like this is a fairly representative week, except I usually wear more skirts. Any thoughts? I don’t need to look corporate, but I do want to look put together and polished.

   1. Oh, and other than the drapey teal cardigan the other cardigans I wore this week are Jackie-equivalents.

   2. Um…what? Your outfits sound incredibly polished.

      1. You are doing you well and classy. Keep it up. It sounds classic and able to accommodate any hands-on emergency duties you need to address … indoors and outdoors. If you want to amp it up, you could “always” wear a blazer I guess… Or move up to the next “bucket” of labels and fabrics in the items you already wear. As in higher level cardigans, slacks, tops. However, I imagine what you’ve described and I feel you are spot on. And reachable if that’s any reassurance. I spend alot of time with Independent Schools and I’d say you fit right in…in my Texas big city. Occasionally The Head will be a woman who only wears suits and usually black/navy with lots of personal statement jewelry to change them up. These Heads are heads who deal with high flying parents all.of.the.time.

   3. I dress very similarly to you, so you sound great! though my personal preference is to avoid wedges with ankle pants (I prefer kitten heels or d’Orsay heels or pointed-toe flats with ankle pants). Wouldn’t call them frumpy though.

   4. Seconding anonymous…. that would be a really put together work for me and be more than work appropriate enough – and I am in a corporate environment!

   5. Is there any specific reason you’re worried about encroaching frump?

      Those outfits all sound good for the career/workplace you’ve described. If you do want to change it up a little, maybe mix up your shoe choices? That’s the only piece that’s jumping out at me as being a little overly matchy-matchy, which to me could potentially read a bit old-fashioned, depending on the outfit. (But I’m really just quibbling now, since nothing in particular is jumping out at me as “frumpy” or in need of updating based on the list you provided.)

   6. So, Blair Waldorf goes to your school. What does she wear (and her mom)? Are you hewing to the average of the two types or really far off?

      If you are at a boarding school, they skew granola, IIRC. So maybe you are doing just fine, if a bit fashion-y for that crowd.

   7. To me, frump is a lot more about fit than anything else. There are certain combinations that tend to look a little frumpy (round toe flats, tights and a below-the-knee skirt is a combo that is frequently frumpy…but I have seen people pull it off), but for the most part when I think someone is frumpy, it’s because the fit of their clothes is not good. The things you describe could look amazing or they could look a little frumpy. It’s really impossible to say based on a list of the items alone.

      1. I think of round-toe flats and tights as a look that says “I’m 22 and this is my first job.” Usually the skirt is too short/straight but it’s OK b/c Tights (no, just no).

         1. I think of it as a look worn by women who have to adhere to strict religious codes about modesty.

            1. (Round-toe flats, tights and knee length skirts I mean, not short skirts)

            2. I’m not aware of any religion that requires round-toe flats? Thank God.

      2. Yes, this. Fit and quality/cleanliness of clothing. By cleanliness I mean is it wrinkled? Is it your second (or 4th..) time wearing that dress between dry cleanings? Has it collected lint? Be honest- is there a pit stain? Quality of clothing can make a big difference. Is that sweater pilled? Materials matter- higher end materials often look it. A jersey dress looks different than a point dress. A silk shirt has a sheen that poly usually doesn’t.

         If I told you I was wearing a navy blue pencil skirt, white silk top, and cornflower blue cardigan, delicate gold necklace, with round toed flats with a gold embellishment on the toe, that might look pretty good.

         If I told you that those flats were old as hell and super scuffed, with an elastic heel band, that the skirt and silk top, while lovely garments, bunch awkwardly around my waist, and the skirt slides around, and that the cardigan is a little bit big/loose and is 5 years old, it’s not such a pretty picture.

         What I struggle with the most is fit- something might look fine when I’m standing there and everything is perfectly adjusted, but I leave and then the skirt rides up, the shirt billows because it’s too big (I’m very petite), its no good. Or that cute blazer makes me look like I’m playing dress up with my mom’s 80’s blazer… because the shoulders stick out too far.

         1. Just a note… I say all that in para 1 not to imply that your clothing is like that, OP. Those are all stunning examples of wardrobe landmines based on *my* oh-so-pulled together life.

   8. for me, “oh no am i getting frumpy?” tends to have more to do with cut and fit than with the items of clothes themselves. so cardigans that aren’t hitting at the right spot, or things that are too drapey, or too loose, or not balanced. what you’ve described doesn’t sound inherently frumpy to me, but if you’re not feeling it, maybe you should ask about how the shape and fit of your clothes is playing into that?

      1. Agree with the point cut and fit. FWIW, I’m also in education (higher currently, but have worked in secondary) and it’s just not appropriate to be wearing a lot of what people post on here about wearing on a daily basis. Sometimes I have to take a step back and remind myself that I would look like an alien if I showed up to work on your average Thursday in a sheath dress and blazer. Like all of these conversations about moving from cardigans to blazers…haha, no.

         1. Yeah, I think I’ve been internalizing the moving from cardigans to blazer conversations! I have a few blazers in casual materials I love, but if I started showing up everyday in blazers my coworkers would think I was interviewing.

            Also, I feel like the cardigans I love are suddenly viewed as out of date, but they are far kinder to my body type than flowy cardigans.

            1. The prototypical J. Crew Jackie-style cardigan is a classic. Women have been wearing them for decades and I don’t see that changing anytime soon.

   9. I think it sounds great. As long as it all fits and is clean and in good repair, I think you’re more than good to go!

3. To the poster searching for wedding wedges this morning — check out the Nordstrom sale section. There’s a peep toe option from Badgley Mischka (sp?) that look promising! I’d send the link but was browsing while this s_te was down this afternoon.

4. I love signet rings. That is all.

   1. I have my mom’s signet and wish it was a size that I could wear. My college ring is a signet and I used to wear it constantly. Simple and classic.

5. I know someone who does this. She charges the cost of the gas/lodging/meals, and then something for her time (obviously), but she’s done cross country moves multiple times for folks and loves the process! Some people far prefer this to driving themselves and would rather just fly and have her drive their car, others get a rental car for her to drive their pet(s). Please comment here with an email or dummy email and I’ll reach out to you with her contact info!

6. Does anyone have this? I am looking to replace my OG and I like how the Seville has a wider opening and is generally prettier. Any reviews from the Hive?

7. Living in a HCOL city, early 40s, no spouse/kids. Apartment rates are going up and I’m not sure I want to lock into a year lease as I may want to move before then, but shorter leases cost more per month. Renting a room in someone’s home isn’t much cheaper than an apartment plus it means tons of rules (understandably, but this isn’t great for many adults). Airbandb is about the same price as a budget hotel but again, those places often have rules (no judgment, it’s their home, it’s just not great for many adults). I am considering the idea of moving into a budget hotel for a few months or longer.

   Has anyone done this? Any advice on doing this? It seems to make sense crunching the numbers but I thought I’d ask for outsider feedback and perspective. Thank you!

   1. We had a summer associate who did this. In theory, it can be fine. In reality, a neighbor of his was a person who was arrested for the world’s oldest profession. You might check police reports of the individual property. I know of other places in our town where I’m sure it’s 100% of people who are not in that particular line of work.

   2. If you do this, get a credit card set up so you earn tons of loyalty points for free stays.

      I’d only consider doing this in a longer stay hotel that had both a separate seating area + kitchenette in the room.

   3. Find a residential hotel that will have a kitchenette!

   4. I lived in a budget hotel for 4 months. It had a kitchenette. And while I appreciated the semi-regular cleaning service, I felt pretty bummed about the lack of privacy. I also ate out a ton more than usual because cooking in the kitchenette was pretty challenging. I also had to get a storage locker for everything I owned and found myself making pretty frequent trips to storage to get things I needed. I was also in a city where I didn’t know anyone and it was nearly impossible to “meet the neighbors” so I got kind of lonely, but that doesn’t sound like it would apply to you if you’re planning to move anyway.
      All that being said, it was the only arrangement that made sense for me at the time. The apartment market was pretty tight. And it ended up being a safe, less expensive short term living situation.

   5. I lived in an extended stay hotel for a summer internship when I arrived and discovered the housing I’d arranged wasn’t habitable. I had left most of my stuff back in the city in which I went to school and just packed a suitcase or two of clothes, so it was fine for me, but I don’t think you’d really have any room for pots and pans, dishes, books or furniture so you’d probably need to rent a storage unit as well. Even the extended stay places that have kitchenettes generally won’t have much storage in the kitchen, since people who stay in hotels typically live somewhere else.
      For me it was an ok solution given the mess I found myself in, but it’s not something I would choose. I can’t really explain why, but it really feels a lot less “homey” than an apartment or even a room in someone’s home.

      1. There sounds like an epic story lurking in there about the not habitable apartment.

         1. It’s not a very exciting story…it was just extremely filthy and bug-infested and came with roommates who partied way too much and were blasting loud music until 4 am on a weeknight. I’m not a landlord-tenant lawyer, but I doubt it was “uninhabitable” in the legal sense, since it had electric and running water and all that. It just wasn’t a place I wanted to live while trying to make a good impression at a job that was essentially an extended interview. The extended stay hotel wasn’t ideal but it was better and not much more expensive. At least I could sleep through the night there.

   6. I would do this in a heartbeat if I could stay some place like a Marriott Residence Inn, with a full kitchen/fridge/microwave/stove, etc. I would not do it if it only had a tiny kitchenette because you would end up eating out a lot.

   7. I have lived in hotels. Honestly, I think it depends on your city and hotel. If you live at, say, the Residence Inn near Times Square in New York (where it will take you approximately 30 minutes to ride a tourist-packed elevator to the lobby in the morning if you are on the top floor), you will quickly regret this decision vs living at the newly constructed Residence Inn in downtown Houston, TX. Honestly in a city like NYC, you don’t really even need a full kitchen because there are so many options to eat out. A tip: you can negotiate with hotel management on rates for long term stays, I do it all the time when we have long term projects at work.

      Probably I would go for an ExecuStay-type (you can get Marriott points) apartment, which rent out apartments in complexes where regular people live, or do AirBnb instead, unless you are planning on being in a nice new hotel that is not full of tourists.

      1. It’s funny you mention that Residence Inn. I have heard some *stooooories* about the bar there. o_O

   8. I would only consider this if there was a finite amount of time and you knew what the end date was. in my experience, things like this sometimes end up lasting longer than you expect and it could be an acceptable living situation for 2-3 months but would be unbearable for 4-6 months.

   9. I lived in an extended-stay hotel for a few months in my hometown while my mother was terminally ill. (Under the circumstances, and with 24-hour health aides doing the care, I just couldn’t bring myself to stay at my parents’ house while I was trying to practice law remotely all day.) It worked out really well to have my own space with full kitchen, exercise facilities, and secure parking. Helped me keep my sanity. One note: be sure each of your stays is at least 30 days. In my state, there’s no occupancy tax or sales tax for hotel stays of 30 days or more. One other tip: extended-stay hotels are often very willing to negotiate rates. I ended up paying less than half the published rate.

8. Any recommendations for heeled skinny-shaft boots? I have the La Canadienne Passions (flat boot, shaft is a bit wide for my shins), but am looking for something a bit more dressy.

   1. Aquatalia is a great brand for narrow calves.

9. I’m usually an optimist, but a combination of rough family stuff and a tough work situation I can’t get out of is leaving me really down. I keep trying to work on what I can change and accept what I can’t, but it’s so difficult. I feel like I’ll never find another job and the longer I stay where I am, the harder it will be. The family stuff just keeps getting worse, between health issues and family members not getting along.

   I don’t even know why I’m posting this. My therapist is on vacation until later this month, so I guess I just needed to get it out there. I feel so sad, but I don’t want to dump this on my friends and I don’t know how to fix any of it.

   1. Lean on your friends. That’s part of what friendship is. They want to support you. If you’re not comfortable telling them all of the details, just let them know “I have a lot going on right now, I can’t really talk about it, but I could really use some positive energy and distraction.”

   2. Internet hugs! It can be incredibly frustrating and draining to feel helpless and like you can’t fix things. It’s ok for you to not be an optimist right now. I’m guessing not all your friends will feed “dumped” on if you tell them you are having a rough time, but if that is the case, it’s fine to dump here. Per my favorite Gilmore Girls episode, give yourself a good wallow. Let yourself be miserable for a few days so you aren’t spending all your energy trying to coop up those feelings. Things will get better in time.

10. I have a signet ring that looks almost exactly like this and wear it every day.

11. I’m posting one more time to invite you all to join in the Whole Life Challenge with team “The Hive.” It is a 7-point lifestyle challenge that addresses diet, mobility, sleep, hydration, and more. You keep score on how well you are meeting the challenge everyday and really, you are playing against yourself. Joining a team gives you a chance to find out how others are doing meeting the challenge every day and share motivation and tips. Visit the website for a full description of the challenge and the rules.

    This session starts on Saturday, Sept. 17 and lasts for 8-weeks. If you are interested, but just can’t bring yourself to start on Saturday (party, date, family visiting, whatever) that is no reason not to jump in a bit later. If you’d like to join a team of other readers here, you can use this link (from which I receive no benefit or remuneration of any kind except more team players): http://www.whole.lc/wlc1609/t/the-hive/join

    1. Yay Kat! I would love a Signet Ring but do not know if my college/law school EVER had one. I know they had a mascot, but it is a hyppopotiumus, and that is hideous for fitting on a signet ring. FOOEY! Dad said it was fitting I went to GW b/c I went in svelte and came out a HIPPO! FOOEY on Dad. I onley put on mabye 10 pound’s in 4 years. I do NOT think that is so bad, but HE did! FOOEY on him.

12. Does anyone have the women’s runners (shoes) by Allbirds? They look super comfy and I am tempted to buy.

    Fwiw, I wear a 7.5 and have slightly narrow feet: sometimes I wear a size N and sometimes not, depending on the brand. The site is recommending that I get a size 7, which is also the size I wear in Tieks.

    Thanks!

    1. I do and I love love love them – just ordered a second pair. They might be the most comfortable shoes I own and are perfect for travel (not as frumpy as a sneaker and I can do all day touring around). I have narrow heels but a wider front of my foot, I usually wear an 8.5 (sometimes 8) and my allbirds are a 9 and fit perfectly. I also love that you don’t need to wear socks w them.

13. I feel like I am fighting a losing battle against the month of September. Everything appears to be falling to pieces at work, and my workload is constantly rising (someone has just joined and is still getting settled so needs support, I’ve had some positive feedback/recognition which is lovely but has encouraged a very senior person to give me more to do, and because there has been a very sharp uplift in a project that is controlled outside of my department).
    I’ve been getting quite emotional (both at work and at home) due to my frustration at those around me who are adding to my workload due to their poor performance. I don’t know what I’m looking for in responses, I’m just feeling a little helpless

    1. You’re not alone, if it helps! Due to various major life stressors I’m super irritable and on a short fuse at work, and much less able to just take things in stride. Things that would not phase me, or would just mildly annoy me, are driving me to tears and general bitterness. Last Thursday I had a major emotional/physical meltdown and just couldn’t do anything at all- I left a bit early, went to a realllllly good yoga class, got a ton of sleep, and felt better. I think it was the yoga and just taking some time where I didn’t have to focus on other people’s needs. It really worked and the boost in productivity way made up for the time it took to chill.

14. While everyone has been talking about the Marie Kondo thing and decluttering and there are all of these websites with “hacks,” I find myself struggling to keep things. For example, when I put laundry away, if a drawer looks kind of full, I suddenly feel a bit like I am carrying the weight of all the stuff in that drawer and I end up going through it to figure out what I can get rid of (either due to lack of great fit, having duplicates, etc.). I’m on a super tight budget and I don’t typically enjoy shopping (super pear/hourglass shape plus petite = abhorring dressing rooms and the shopping experience). However, I typically work from home and socialize in casual settings, so I’m beginning to wonder if I really even need that much in my closet/dressers.

    I know it’s good to not be buried underneath your stuff and that there are folks with real hoarding disorders, but is it possible to be too far on the other extreme?

    1. I am much like this – I just switched to my fall clothing (which, while not an official “capsule” is very much like one) and in the process got rid of many things I’d put away at the end of winter. I do think you can go to far. For example, as you ever sorry you got rid of something (I have been a few times)? Do you find yourself purchasing items that are the same or very similar to items you’ve purged in the past year?I’ve found that by doing the same thing people do who are transitioning to less stuff – putting it into a box or bag and waiting a while until you feel comfortable getting rid of it – I don’t overpurge. Assuming you aren’t wasting money re-purchasing things you previously owned, nor are you sad that you no longer own something, I think it is fine – whether you have 2 cardigans or 18, it is just fine.

15. Someone in a professional association where I am a member nominated me to be featured on the website. I want to do this but I am currently waiting on paperwork/procedures for a job I am starting soon to be approved.I am not working at the moment and would really rather do this once the new job is confirmed. The deadline for this profile to be posted is the end of this month, is it a good idea to ask for an extension/more time to submit it?

    1. Sure!

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