ByKat Hours Updated
Comments 276 Comments

Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: Slim Button Voile

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. zady-sale-voile-blouseHuh: if you normally think of slow fashion as being environmentally friendly but expensive, do check out the Zady sale — with code FALLCLEARANCE you can take an extra 50% off listed sale prices. There isn't a TON of stuff there (and lots of lucky sizes), but the sales that are there are good. Take this simple voile blouse, for example, which still has all sizes (XS-XL) available — The shirt is crafted from long staple, organic cotton grown near the Aegean Sea in Turkey where the climate has nurtured the highest quality cotton since ancient times. The cotton is spun and woven in the same region of Turkey and then brought to New York City to be expertly tailored and finished off with french seams and mother of pearl buttons. Nice! It was $135, then marked to $94; with the code it comes down to $47.25 — final sale, alas. Zady .04 The Slim Button Voile Seeking something similar in plus sizes? This plus-size blouse is made in the USA from organic cotton. Check out our Slow Fashion Shopping Guide for more! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-all)

Sales of note for 12.5

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

276 Comments

  1. Any recs for a good body spray (yes like after middle school gym class! ;))?

    Not sure why, this thought popped into my head today as something I needed.

    1. When I want a lighter scent instead of a heavier perfume, I use some of the Philosophy fragrances like Amazing Grace. Or I use a scented lotion.
      For times when I will be working out/sweating and just want to smell a little bit fresher, I use a scented spray deodorant like Dove or even some of the Old Spice sprays, plus my regular underarm deodorant.

    2. The Dove ones are pretty good and dont seem to leave a mark or anything. There is also an unscented choice to prevent flashbacks to middle school.

      1. This. Please, please no. I know you think you are smelling better, but what you are actually doing is giving me an asthma attack every time you walk by or stop by my desk or sit in a meeting with me. Truly. Please don’t.

      2. +1 from the nose contingent as well. Please, please, do not spray yourself with body spray. Especially not in the gym, where I have to leave from the scents of perfumed folks :(

    4. Try Maria Badescu Rose Water Spray? It’s refreshing and a little bit hydrating, you could use it on face/body/hair, and the scent dissipates very quickly so it won’t cause anyone to have an allergy attack. You can even use it over makeup.

  2. Is that what is probably happening to me:

    Days b/w periods:
    28 (w/o being on the pill or anything)
    29
    37
    87
    21
    11

    For the last one, not only do I feel robbed, but I thought that you bleed 14 days after you drop an egg and don’t get pregnant. And this is real bleeding, not any faint staining or anything ambiguous, for at least a day. So my mind is like is each ovary just randomly shooting out eggs (or not)? I am also wondering what the drug store people think for someone who is always buying pregnancy tests (and has delayed a mamogram over the summer since I wanted to be really sure I wasn’t pregnant).

    I’m in my mid-40s (but no one in my family has hit menopause before 50).

    1. There’s a natural health thing called ‘seed cycling’ – it involves eating different seeds during different parts of your cycle – supposed to help postpartum to regulate your cycle – might work for perimenopause too.

      Probably won’t work/super flaky but periods every 11 days is a PITA so I’d give it a try. I don’t have a specific link to suggest but if you google it you should find something

    2. This sounds like a great time to visit your ob-gyn and get your hormones checked.

        1. Why on earth would you buy seeds on the Internet and not just eat the ones sitting in your cupboard/spice cabinet?

          Obviously OP is going to have sense enough to get this checked out at her doctor, but while she’s waiting for testing etc, why not try something easy that’s probably already sitting in her cupboard – might help/might not but relatively little effort either way.

          2. Someone suggested a glass of soymilk helped them down thread so you’ll probably want to make sure you jump all over them too.

      2. Getting hormones checked is a thing? [I realize that it is a thing for people who are having fertility problems.] I’ve seen a ton of men’s “Low T” commecials, but I think that that’s to push product mainly. For women, I am thinking that they do HRT if you have a hysterectomy. I don’t think you put someone my age on the Pill b/c of stroke risk. Plus, if they are in flux (my guess) due to age, all you have is a snapshot of one day. Or is this a typical diagnostic for some of my age and likely stage?

        1. Yes, typical diagnostic. I forget which hormone (maybe FSH-follicle stimulating hormone?) drops precipitously in perimenopause and is absent in menopause. Your OB can definitely provide helpful info here based upon your hormones and the cycle info which you provided above.

        2. Im a healthy 29 year old and was having some horrible digestive / fatigue / night sweats / etc – my OBGYN recommended some hormone testing and based on the results put me on some medication that took away my symptoms interfering with my quality of life.

          If they suspect you might have thyroid issues, that is another case for hormone testing, but its not a rare thing.

          1. Can I ask what your diagnosis was? I’m in my early 30s and have had similar symptoms. After lots of tests, I still don’t have a diagnosis.

        3. Hormone testing is pretty common when something seems off. I had them checked when I had nonstop bleeding for a month, when I was getting bad migraines, and when I suddenly gained 10 pounds in a month.

        4. I had wacky periods last year and got them tested. There’s all sorts of things that can be going on (ovarian cysts, thyroid, etc…)

    3. You are similar to me.

      Thank goodness for the menstrual cup, is all I have to say. I wear it every day, for safety.

    4. Yes this is me. Of course visit your gyn but mine said, welcome to perimenopause. Pantiliners plus enough supplies with me to get through a day in case of a surprise! And now for some random untested anecdata: for me I got weirdly ragely off and on, after never really having PMS symptoms in my life. Daily glass of soymilk stopped that part.

      1. Interesting. I am usually a very calm, type B person.

        I find myself RAWRing a lot, but I figure is was just FT BigLaw + kids schools have started again so there are a million forms and homework + no time stress.

        GYN is scheduled for next month. I may or not be OTR again and guess I really can’t schedule around that. Fun!

      2. Soy is known to have proteins that are similar in shape to estrogen – may be helping to take the edge off of some of the hormonal swings – by blocking uptake of actually estrogen (? I don’t know the mechanism).

        1. I’m not down with soy. At all.

          I do think that a good run with Headbangers Ball-type music would be just as good, if not better.

    5. Probably. Welcome to the (not so fun) club! That’s how mine started – my cycle was all over the place, then settled into consistently shorter than normal (usually about 21 days but sometimes even shorter), then started stretching out to much longer than normal (60 to 90 days). It’s apparently pretty common that they start out by getting shorter, then gradually get longer and longer. Also, I believe ovulation doesn’t necessarily happen every cycle anymore. The process started around 40 for me and while that’s somewhat early, my ob/gyn agreed it was definitely perimenopause. She didn’t test my hormones or anything, but would have if I’d been interested in HRT. So far I haven’t felt like my symptoms were quite annoying enough to go that route.

      Have you had any other symptoms? I have also experienced night sweats, insomnia, hot flashes, increased anxiety (also had postpartum anxiety, so mine seems to act up when hormones are wonky), and burning mouth. Not all at the same time, of course, they come and go. I frequently feel like my internal thermostat is broken – I used to always be cold, now I’m frequently hot, but sometimes randomly cold again. I suggest looking through a list of symptoms, as there are some you wouldn’t necessarily think of or wouldn’t have connected at the time, then go see your ob/gyn and talk about it.

      1. Other than the cycle, no symptoms or complaints. I’m always uncomfortably cold, so I’ve been having my thyoid checked periodically to rule that out.

        But I’ve been avoiding donating blood, which I used to do like clockwork, due to the pregnancy / wanting to make sure my body had enough hemoglobin in it to have a cycle and not be the cause of any more irregularities.

        It’s just so annoying! For the 11 day cycle, I was wearing nice underwear and a white printed (thank g-d!) dress that is dry-clean only. Husband wants to get into camping — not with me like this: this is the one tiem of the month when I like to insist on hot running water and lots of supplies / trashcans to put them in.

          1. Yes. I went camping recently and the bath houses were nicer than most hotels – it was a total surprise!

          1. Can’t agree enough. Makes a huge difference not to have to cart around a bag of goodies. Just your cup and some liquid soap.

          2. Oh, I’m not sure that that’s for me. Maybe they make disposable ones? After pumping at work after having children, I’d like not to deal with bodily fluid cleaning things at work (and cannot imagine that that would go over well with co-workers).

            I’m curious, as a preventative measure, what about toxic shock syndrome? I remember dying from that as a kid, so I wouldn’t even use tampons pre-need.

          3. No…. you really don’t need to be taking the cup out and cleaning it in public! Not at all.

            In the beginning, I cleaned it after each dump, and totally not necessary, and definitely not at the sink. Except for really heavy days, I can stick to emptying at home in morning/evening due to my erratic lighter periods and spotting. Sometimes only once a day. But yes my irregular cycles mean occasionally I have some crazy heavy days. But even if you have to deal with it at work, you do NOT need to take it to a public sink to wash. I bought these little overpriced wipes that I kept in my purse for awhile and used those, and just gave a quick wipe to “clean” while still on the toilet. Then got used to a swipe of toilet paper when needed instead.

            You are just going to stick it right back in your body. It does not have to be squeaky clean. I wash my hand well before and after.

            It takes a little time to get used to, but it really is awesome. And I didn’t start using it until my 40’s when I started having irregular cycles like yours. I got tired of wearing a tampon 24 hours per day (and would get sloppy and not change often enough). It is riskier to be leaving tampons in too long than using the cup.

          4. Agree. On most days I go 12 hours between cup dumps (I know it all sounds horribly gross). I think 12 hours is the max recommended, but I’ve gone longer with no ill effects. I’m not sure that TSS is an issue, as they are made of silicone, and I thought TSS was the result of some material being used to make tampons. Of course I suppose it’s possible but my cup says every 12 hours is cool.

            Not gonna lie, it’s…graphic. But you’ve had kids, you’ve had multiple strangers poking around up there, and it’s really no big deal when you think of it as a bodily function. I feel much cleaner with a cup because there’s no wet strings or smells or anything like that involved. And no gross garbage can bombs or anything. The grossest thing is that sometimes there’s a bit of blowback on the toilet seat, which obviously you can wipe up.

            I’ve been a cup evangelist for years, and while my friends all tell me how gross I am I have the last laugh while I sit on the beach all day not worrying about leaks or finding a bathroom to change my tampon and don’t have to lug bags of lady products around with me or search for the nearest pharmacy when I am away from home.

            With regard to your flow, you might want to ask your doc for solutions. I had that issue (40+) and my doc put me on a mini pill which doesn’t do much for regularity but has had a tremendously positive effect on managing my flow (I was going through a super plus every hour or so) and cramps.

    6. This is why I’m still charting my temp, in my late 40s. Don’t need to be buying preg tests at my age. I can tell if I’ve ovulated or if it’s just random bleeding, etc. Take Charge of Your Fertility does have a chapter on charting during pre-menopause; it helps my sanity to know what’s going on with my body like that.

      1. Was scrolling down to recommend this book. +1,000,000 to Taking Charge of Your Fertility. IMO it should be required reading for all women. Maybe all people!

    7. I started that (shorter intervals periods for a year or two, followed by longer intervals for 18 months or so, and now it is totally all over the place, sometimes 100 days, sometimes 25), at about 45.

    8. At the end of college I got my period every other week for six weeks due to stress / not sleeping (why yes, I was finishing a thesis, going to school full time, and working two jobs). Stress is going to be more of a factor with your cycle as you approach menopause, just like it is more of a factor when you start getting your period.

  3. I posted yesterday but probably too late- has anyone had experiences with the rag and bone harrow booties? I’d like to buy a pair but still wondering about durability- thanks!

    1. I’ve had mine for about a year and they’ve held up well. They’re more comfortable for walking than just standing around, if that makes sense. I think there’s not enough cushioning at the ball of the foot. I can wear them to a beer tasting but not to a concert.

  4. Talk to me about suede. I have my eye on a pair of suede boots, but, given the cost, I want to get a lot of wear out of them. I live in NYC, which means not going outside is not really an option and that there is a thin coating of salt permeating everything all winter. How well do waterproofing products really work? Will the salt totally ruin the boots?

    1. I love suede, but yes…. in NY winter weather it is hard to keep hem in good shape. But it is possible, with effort.

      I have several pairs of La Canadienne’s suede boots and booties. They are pre-treated to be waterproof and fairly hardy because of this.

      Then, at the beginning of every season, I brush them with a suede brush, and then re-treat with waterproofing spray for suede. Carefully.

      During the winter when I wear them, I wipe off snow as soon as I get inside. Ideally, I carefully clean off any salt stains using a dilute vinegar solution and a clean cloth, and brush off loose debris. When dry, I brush again with my suede brush to restore the nap.

      I try to avoid sloshing in slush.

      In theory, your cobbler can re-dye areas that get stained/show uneven wear. I haven’t tried this, or needed to.

      If I bought an expensive pair of Stuart Weitzman suede boots… I would waterproof them, but would never intentionally wear them in snow.

      1. I have gotten boots re-dyed and it works fine and isnt too pricey if you go to a local place, but obviously you can’t really do that that often.

    2. I live in Toronto so similar weather. I wear suede boots in the fall – I can usually get away with them until Dec/Jan. And then pull them out again in March/April. I hate the look of salt stains so I usually stick to leather boots (that are weather-proofed) in the dead of winter so I can wipe off the salt stains. I still think it’s worth it!

    3. I love suede and have a large collection of suede pumps, flats and boots, but I get the least wear out of the boots. I do wear them a few times in the fall, but very seldom in the winter or spring because it is too wet. If the boots you’re looking at are hugely expensive, I doubt the cost-per-wear will make sense.

  5. I’m looking to upgrade my casual wardrobe from sad frumpy t-shirts and would like to get a few sleeveless button-down shirts in either poplin or linen to wear under cardigans. Does anyone have recommendations for good ones that don’t come up too high on the neck? I tried the linen one from Uniqlo, but it comes up so high that it just looks awkward when the top button is undone. I also want ones that don’t have to be tucked. TIA!

    1. Not linen but I like Pleione – they are comfortable, washable, and don’t generally need to be ironed (and are inexpensive!)

    2. Brooks Brothers, JCrew (hit or miss), LLBean (cut wider), BR, AT, Charles Tyrwhitt, Hawes and Curtis, Poetry (British catalog, specializes in linen).

  6. I need some advice on a conversation to have with my procrastinating fiance. A little background: we moved to be close to his family/childhood friends, so he has a huge network of very close friends who live within ~1-2 hr drive. He feels very strongly that he wants our wedding to be a big party for all of these people. He is not a planner at all, so I committed to planning (and paying for) this shindig for him and his loved ones as my gift to him.

    The problem is, he still hasn’t given me his guest list. We’ve been engaged for over a year and we’re nearing the end of the window to send out save the dates. I’ve tried to approach this causally, sort of seriously, and very seriously, but nothing. Hey we need to give the caterer our number! Work with your mom to get a list together so I can order save the dates! And 2-3 times, planning is stressful and I really need you to not burden me with the emotional labor of worrying about your list/continuing to nag you which I hate doing. He recently said he thinks save the dates are unnecessary and we should just send invites closer to the wedding. I explained that that is rude, likely to be more costly for us (we can only reduce final numbers by so much), and, in any event, he has to get the list together anyway so please don’t kick the can another 3 months down the road when I’ve been asking about this for over a year.

    I’d like to get some finality on this issue. I’m not going to continue to invest my time and money into planning a wedding if he can’t be bothered to take care of the one task I can’t do for him. I’ve half a mind to say, if you don’t get me your list, complete with addresses and names of SOs, by x date then I am calling our vendors to cancel. I think he would think that’s mean and unnecessary and he might break the deadline anyway out of sheer stubbornness. Help?

    1. Ugh, that is so damn annoying. Not really sure where you can go next unless you want to just invite your own people and let him worry about his own. It’s tempting to just let him experience the consequences of his actions – you have already done everything you can to help him and remind him.

    2. “This is unacceptable. I am not your party planner. I agreed to do this to be nice, and you are being rude and disrespectful by refusing to do the one thing I asked. I don’t want to marry you if this is how our lives will be.”

    3. This is crazy. I don’t have any real advice. I do think you need to draw a line because you’ve been super accommodating so far. How far out is the wedding? If it’s next summer, it’s totally appropriate to send save the dates like a year in advance as people often plan weddings that far in advance and they will start committing to other weddings soon.

      1. Ha no, I wouldn’t be this frustrated if the wedding was next summer. We’re about 6 months out. So it really is urgent to get the save the dates ordered ASAP.

        1. 6 months? Eh, at this point I’d just skip them and send invites 3 months before the wedding.

          1. This. Save the dates are nice but they are optional. I assume his mom and immediate fam already know the wedding date? I’d just let them know you aren’t sending save the dates so they should let people know the date if they ask. Alternatively, you can just send save the dates for your side and skip his entirely.

            I sympathize, really. I hated wedding planning and my husband was kind of a pain about it (in fairness, he was in a very demanding grad school situation at the time), even though 70% of the wedding guests were from his side.

            Save the dates are nice, but optional. Opt out and save yourself the frustration.

          2. Not sure about OP but I wouldn’t feel comfortable giving my MIL a carte blanche to start telling people the date because they are invited when OP’s fiance hasn’t even given her a number for how many people are being invited (150+ is pretty vague)

          3. Agree, save the dates are optional. Just send an invite in 3 months. Tell any close friends that you really care about having in attendance what the date will be and don’t worry about his friends and family – if they decline because they didn’t save the date, so be it.

      2. At this point, I wouldn’t do save-the-dates. But he still needs to get a list together asap to order invitations, etc. His procrastinating is ridiculous.

    4. Ugh. I unfortunately don’t have any great advice, but are you ready to be the planner for the rest of your lives? Everything from Christmas gifts to family dinners to vacations to college applications….

      1. It’s more than just that, though. I am the planner for my family and happily plan everything, including those things you listed, but this situation wouldn’t work for me. A planner can’t plan if someone who has crucial information won’t provide it.

    5. So you’ve been engaged for a year and he hasn’t given any input on the guest list? Is he having trouble coming up with a cut-off point for his friends? You got x spots. He gets half of x. Right?
      Also, you are putting a lot of emphasis on the fact that you are paying for the wedding, you moved to be closer to his friends/family (which seems to be a bigger issue than just increased guest list). I’d address that growing resentment with him.

      1. We’re definitely not splitting the list evenly. The whole reason for having this party is so we can host his friends and family; I’d just as soon have a nice dinner with immediate family only. I have about 30 guests, his estimate is 150+.

        I think you’re misreading the nature of my resentment. I mention the move by way of background only. It’s super important to fiance to throw this big shindig for his community and to show that I’m joining this community. I’m happy to do that for him and his (soon to be our) community. Where my resentment begins is that, despite him wanting this huge party, he doesn’t ACT like it’s important. When it’s time for me to shoulder the burdens of planning this thing – which burdens are emotion, time, and, yes, money – he’s cool with it, but when it’s time for him to step up, he just doesn’t.

        1. Are you doing any pre-marital counselling? Can you address it there? Doesn’t sound like a great pattern that you want to continue after the wedding.

          1. We’re not. I think he truly does not understand the concept of planning for these sort of middle-term things. Planning for retirement? Check. Doing the dishes right away instead of leaving them in the sink? He’s so much better than I am. But he has this mental block about party planning months and months in advance. I suspect he thinks that he can just send a group text to 150 people the night before and they will show up and have a great time. And the funny thing is, he might be right! But I am not laid back like that.

          2. Hi OP,

            First I rather agreed with others’ comments, that there were red flags here, but this post was very illuminating…yeah, some people just don’t traditionally party plan…can’t we send an email the week before? Groan….

            I have two suggestions…first, you could ask his mother for the guest list. Or, you could only send save-the-date invites to your list. (If someone on his side complains they didn’t get one, be perfectly honest as to why.) Either way, you need to gauge your statement, “Where my resentment begins is that, despite him wanting this huge party, he doesn’t ACT like it’s important.” This is critical, really. I would be resentful also, but I might also be able to get into the mindset that he’s just totally ignorant about such party planning matters, and I would continue on my merry way. I might even pick the guest list for him. Of course, if he doesn’t like it, then your resentful feelings are definitely justified and I guess this now marks your first serious argument…. Best of luck!

          3. This sounds like my fiance, who thought that he and his friends would CATCH THE FISH we ate for our wedding dinner the day before the wedding (destination wedding, obvs). I told him it wouldn’t work, his pride was hurt but I prevailed. Guess how many fish they caught the day before the wedding? Zero, of course.

            Anyways, my point is, guys don’t get it and they think we’re being dumb but really they just don’t get it.

          4. E, that story about the fish is truly hilarious. And OP, in my experience, my husband and I were terrible at wedding planning. Neither of us had ever planned a party in our lives and we were bad. at. it. We came up on similar issues- him dragging on the guest list, for me, it was choosing a dress. It’s good to hear that he is responsible about other very important things. This may just be a one off thing. But I did bump on the line “He doesn’t think save the dates are necessary.” My husband gets a little black and white like this about what I think are perceived norms and it can be very frustrating. If it’s important to you, then he should be more flexible. I would examine that issue in counseling.

          5. It’s also possible that either:
            -Save the Dates actually *aren’t* a thing in his friend/family group/culture
            -In his past experience the women of the family did all of the party planning and he has no clue how much pre-planning that actually takes

            Rather than pushing him to give you *a list* as in a finished, finalized list with names and addresses, can you just sit down with a laptop and a Google Sheets doc and have him just start rattling off names at you? This is what we had to do with my sister’s (now) husband who wanted to invite a million people but wouldn’t give us a concrete list, over the course of a couple of sessions. Yes, it had names on it like “Sue, Jane’s daughter and her husband” because he didn’t actually know Sue’s last name or Sue’s husband’s last name, but it was a first step toward getting a count, and then we were able to sit down with the list with some of his family to make sure we weren’t missing anyone or to get clarification as to what Sue’s last name was and what her husband’s name was.

        2. I see so many red flags here–first you move for him, now you are planning and paying for your own wedding which is designed to be a party for him and his friends, and he is being completely unhelpful. This sounds like a classic man-child to me. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life being his mother? Maybe you should postpone the wedding until after you have had some serious pre-marital counseling.

          2. Just to add a counterpoint, I had similar difficulties with my husband (he wanted the wedding, then I planned and had a hard time getting specifics or help out of him). He is now super involved and does half or more than half of the care for our kid. I think this could be a red flag but it could also be a sign that men just don’t have the same view of what a wedding “needs” to be that women do.

      1. I’d be out – but that is just me I recognize everyone has a different tolerance for these sorts of things. By not participating / doing what he said he would do, OP’s fiance is basically saying “I don’t value this effort / time / money you put in on my behalf” Not being valued is a dealbreaker for me.

        1. This was my thought. But i’m on my second time around and have definite expectations of what joint effort looks like .

    7. Do you have a good relationship with his mom and she is a planner? Can you get her to help get through to him?

    8. Can you just get married? And then if he wants to plan a party for that, he can do it. Or if he doesn’t do it, that’s his choice. I think at this point, you just shelve it and move on. Or if you’ve sunk $ into this and can’t get it back, just send out an e-mail or paperless post to the 150 most likely people (making sure your MIL gives you her people — I would always check with her b/c these ladies tend to be on their A game with this if the care even slightly).

    9. I’m not usually a fan of coddling but sometimes you just need to get the ball rolling to get unstuck. Maybe he’s finding the process overwhelming and doesn’t no where to begin? Getting this done will help you stay sane so I don’t think it’s the end of the world to help give it a push. What if you typed a list with the number of slots he has for guests and fill in all the names of his friends and family that you know. So, he has 100 slots and off the top of your head you can name 15 of his friends and 10 of his family members, maybe another 10 coworkers. You give it to him and say hey – here’s everyone I’m inviting. I don’t know anyone else. If you want them invited, give me their name.

      I’d also chill on the name of spouse part. He probably doesn’t know them either and isn’t reaching out to get the info. You can just do “and guest” or “and spouse.” I know it’s not proper etique**e but it helps it get done.

    10. Why isn’t he doing this? Like, what is his actual reason for not writing down a list of people? Even if you’re talking 150, it’s, at most, a 20-30 minute process. I’ve waited on lines at the DMV that took longer than writing out my wedding guest list. I’d be really interested to know what his deal is, and if I were you I’d probably ask.

      Come to think of it, I actually have had these kinds of conversations with my H, and he with me, when one of us is being terrible about doing a fairly basic necessary task – sometimes it reveals that the not-doer is being ridiculous, sometimes it reveals a block the other person didn’t know was there (like, for example, needing to get addresses and either not knowing how to do it or knowing you’re going to have to reach out to someone you don’t feel like dealing with ::cough::mymother::cough and just not wanting to), sometimes it reveals a logistical thing that the other person can help solve, and sometimes it reveals a more fundamental disagreement that we actually need to talk about waaaaay more than we needed to talk about the wedding guest list. At this point, *something* is going on here – he’s not doing a thing you’ve repeatedly asked him to do that is not very hard, and offered no explanation for why, which is just not cool in a partnership. So talk about it!

      1. I agree. Lovely Husband and I did it together — we sat down and he told me the names and I typed them. Badda bing, badda boom, done.

        I couldn’t agree more that there is something going on here beyond just him being difficult. Maybe he is embarassed about save the dates, in which case I’d just skip them. Maybe he’s overwhelmed, in which case doing it together can help. Maybe he’s having second thoughts about the whole thing, which would be good information. You just won’t know until you have a conversation, which I urge you to initiate in a genuine spirit of inquiry.

        1. I was going to suggest it but SA beat me to it:

          Set up a coffee-date time after work or on the weekend. Have him bring his phone/iPad, you bring yours. You type, he talks. Have him look through his phone, facebook, linkedin. Names, email addresses, phone numbers (addresses not as likely). Prompt him – So you want Bill, Mike, Jason and Nathan from college, right? And your high school teammates Doug, Josh and Chad? And how about your cousin Steve and his fiancé? Coworkers X, Y and Z?

          Skip the save-the-dates… how about a blast bcc email?

          Then promise dinner and drinks or a movie or some fun together thing.

        2. This is such good advice. Really, just sit down with him and ask him for names, write them down. It sounds like he may just have a hard time getting started? Or if you’re friendly with your in-laws, have them around too and they can pitch in with addresses and other details (like funny stories about people on the list, and how they know them… Really passing along family lore). For me this actually was super helpful as far as getting familiar with wedding guests and more importantly the people who were important to SO and his family. It wasn’t like a homework assignment, but more like, “who are the people we love who we want to celebrate with?” And yes it’s a pain but I also thought it was one part of wedding planning that we really had to do together.

    11. I regret that I had this exact issue with my SO. He has never in his life had to take the lead organizing family occasions, whereas I’m the oldest in a big family so always take the lead, but when we were dating, I didn’t yet know his family well enough to do that and it was like pulling teeth. In order to get his list of wedding guests, I told him to sit down at the kitchen table and write down his list, call his mom and dad if he wasn’t sure about some people, but not to get up until it was done. It was completely childish, but since we only had one wedding, I’ve only had to do something like that once.

      I should say though, I don’t have any issue with continuing to take the lead with family arrangements in our marriage, so I knew what I was getting into and didn’t expect my SO to change. If this is a deal breaker for you, you need to realize that he’s not going to get better at this.

      1. “If this is a deal breaker for you, you need to realize that he’s not going to get better at this.”

        This. If he can’t get it together for something as important as a wedding – he won’t for other less important family events.

    12. I think you just need to be tough with him. Tell him that he is being disrespectful of your time, gets X number of invites and has to give you a list including addresses by Y date or the wedding will be delayed.

    13. Whenever my husband drags his feet on something, it is time to get in a room for a little while (as long as it takes), sit down, and crank it out. It’ll be painful, and maybe you can put together a list beforehand of the people you know of, and then he can make modifications. Give him a deadline and say if he doesn’t give you anything by x date, this is the list. Also, can you talk to his mom? Maybe she has an idea?

    14. Start as you mean to go on. Have the conversation, stress the importance and give options (if you want to go Anonymous at 10:08’s route). Option a: We courthouse/dinner party it up since you don’t GAF. Option b: You get the party you want by participating.

      1. This, with the possible added suggestion of sending out invites a month early (at 4 months) since you didn’t send a save-the-date.

        Give him a deadline. Say you are ordering invitations for anyone you have an address for on X date and then DO IT. If it is important to him, he will give you the addresses. Otherwise you have a lovely wedding with your friends. He needs to grow up here.

  7. Paging Monday:

    I was late to your post yesterday. Sorry you are going through turmoil. I just wanted to add some anecdata that moving out doesn’t always mean it’s over. Married friends of mine went through the same thing. I obviously don’t know all of the intimate details but I know it involved her getting her own place for awhile. They are now back living together and as far as I know, they have taken divorce off the table for the time being.

    2. one of my friends had a move out, but they’re together now and doing better. They were able to identify and work through issues.

  8. All the recent posts about fit have me thinking. I gain ALL my weight in my belly, butt and thighs. Just 3-5 pounds means a whole new pants size. I’m 5 3″ with a short torso and short legs.

    It boggles my mind that big butts are actually a thing people want. I would love to be flat! Nothing fits me off the rack. I can’t wear sheath dresses. Jersey dresses look obscene on me.

    Anyway, any tips or good brand recs for someone with my size issues?

    1. No item of clothing can fix your body image issues. I highly doubt you look obscene in a jersey dress that fits you.

    2. I hear you sister.

      My solutions…

      I have pants in 3 sizes. My two current sizes in my closer, the 3rd in storage in my basement.

      Ideally, wear skirts, which are more forgiving. Fabrics with stretch.

      A-line skirts are better. Everything must be tailored. I cannot afford to have tailored skirts in 3 sizes….

      Dresses…. Are impossible. All must be tailored, but I feel sheaths are way too body con for me once tailored. Basically shift dresses for social occasions, that I keep on the short side so they look less dowdy.

    3. I don’t think you can have a short torso *and* short legs… it’s one or the other.

      1. Hmm. Pants and tops are always too long on me, so I assumed that’s what it meant. Maybe I’m short-waisted.

        1. You are petite, not necessarily short-waisted. Short-waisted means that your torso is short in proportion to your height, which means your legs must also be proportionally long. If you are short-waisted, then the waist of a dress in the proper size range (probably petite for someone 5’3″) will hit below your actual waist.

          If you are trying on regular-sized clothes, not petite clothes, and tops and pants are always too long, it’s probably just because these clothes are proportioned for someone who is 5’7″, not 5’3″.

        2. You can be both petite (French for short) and short-waisted. I’m 5’4″, very short from hip to waist, proportionately longer from waist to crotch, and my leg length is proportionate to my overall height, but puts me on the cusp of regular and petite sizes. Your proportions may be similar to mine.

          I’m also bountiful of butt & thigh, but my belly tends to stay pretty flat. I love high-waisted pencil skirts that hit just below the kneecap for lengthening. They look best with heels – can be 1-2″, just not flats or wedges – and a softer blouse tucked in. I’m wearing the Classiques double cloth pencil skirt today, and it’s perfect:

          http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/classiques-entier-double-cloth-pencil-skirt/4258785?origin=category-personalizedsort&fashioncolor=BLACK

          2. I hear you, but she says she’s short waisted and has short legs. At some point you’re just short!

        3. I agree that you should be concentrating in the petites department to have a better chance of the correct fit off the rack.

          I am not petite, but I sometimes have to buy tall sizes, and my mother and MIL typically wear petites. I can’t rattle off a list off the top of my head, but I do know that some brands are better about actually adjusting the entire garment’s proportions (where the waist falls, etc) to make tall or petite sizes, whereas other brands seem to just make the arm/legs/skirt hemline shorter or longer and not bother adjusting the rest of the proportions at all.

    4. YAY! Fruegel Friday’s! I love Fruegel Friday’s and this fruegel blouse! Great Pick Kat/Kate!!!!!

      As for the OP, I too have a paunche, dad calls it, together with saddel bag’s, but I am still a size 2, so it is NOT critical, tho dad’s criticizm is unrelenteing. FOOEY! Do NOT let men dictate your body shape’s weakenesses. We can’t all be Adrieanna Lima’s, tho our Men want us to fit that ideal. Dad keeps bringing up Christie Brinkley, who I admit is gorgous, even tho she is OVER 60. PLEASE!!!! On the big butt thing, yes, Kim Kardashian has a big butt, but she is MARRIED to a guy who loves big butt’s. Most men do NOT love big butt’s unless they want to do unprintable thing’s with them. DOUBEL FOOEY on that. We were NOT created by God to let men do that with our tuchuses! TRIPEL FOOEY!

    5. This is me as well. I’m 5 feet tall and 5-7 lbs is another pants size. And yes, Anonymous, it is quite possible to look obscene in a jersey dress because you will never find one that fits you.

      I agree with Ck above and add that there are dresses that can work, but they tend to be A-line or shift dresses and never sheath dresses. You might just need to go try on a ton of dresses somewhere to find some shapes or brands that work for you. Be sure you’re buying/shopping for the curvy pants so they’re big enough to go over your rear and thighs. Personally, I consider my rear to be one of my better assets (haha) because I don’t have much going on up top, but it is really hard to find professional looking clothes that don’t hug it too tight. The trend of leggings and tunic lengths tops has also been a bit of a blessing because they are much more forgiving, but of course know your office.

      One other thing to consider: properly fitting underwear. I’ve definitely had to size up over the years and select different cuts to lay flatter under clothing. I used to love bikinis but now prefer boyshorts and hipster styles. Even the right size bikini will give me VPL in ways they never used to when I was a few sizes smaller.

    6. Same body type here. My top sizes are usually a size or two smaller than the bottom, plus I have a big butt. It’s actually an awesome shape to have. It just means all these boxy shirts and straight skirts and pants aren’t for us. I exclusively wear A-line and flared skirts/dresses because I can order in a smaller size to fit my top and the bottom half will (usually) accommodate my butt. Right above the knee looks best on me. Also, pull-on straight-leg ankle pants are my jam. They look like regular-length pants on me and they are stretchy enough to be comfy. I avoid stretchy thin jersey stuff because I feel like it’s too much booty for work. I also try to dress appropriately without thinking “My body looks obscene in this,” because there’s nothing inherently pornographic about my body. It’s a struggle sometimes though. My real struggle is shirts though. They are all so boxy and long now! They just bunch up on top of my butt.

      1. “pull-on straight-leg ankle pants are my jam” From where? I’ve been looking for a pair but nothing fits!

        1. https://www.steinmart.com/search.do?query=pull+on+pants

          Peck and Peck and Attyre ones are made out of a stretchy thick fabric (not ponte) and I have several pairs that fit well. Size up if you want them to fit more loosely. Seriously, I wear a 6 in tops and 10/12 in these types of pant so I’m for real pear shaped. Also, I have these side-zip pants in a size 8 and they fit wonderfully and are short enough to look flattering on me (I’m 5’3″)
          https://www.steinmart.com/product/solid+twill+side+zip+pants+56500218.do?sortby=priceAscend&refType=&from=Search&ecList=6&ecCategory=

          Levis has some nice pull on curvy skinnies too.

          I don’t ever wear any other type of pants.

          1. i love you! i think i’ve been needing these pants my whole entire life!

    7. Me too: 5’2.5″ 10lbs “overweight” and 2 sizes larger than my smallest sizes in my closet right now… My solution has been to buy clothes with fabrics that aren’t too rigid so they can move with the scale. Shirt dresses that are 1 size too large but have a waste detail- sash, belt, or built in waste allow for an A-line dress effect. Skirts that have some stretch to them that will fit my butt/hips with a wide waste band have been a g-d send. Pants without lining bc usually those squeeze the h3ll out of my thighs. I dunno. None of this is perfect, I’m not thrilled with it but at the very least, you’re not alone!

        1. Maggy London and Eliza J dresses – fit and flare. The thicker “scuba” fabrics skim over nicely. Since you are petite, I would think they would have more length in the skirt which helps the situation.

          I really get frustrated at times. I don’t like to feel the banquette or seat cushion when the dress’s or skirt’s fabric length is too short to cover my rear. I mean, really. I have begun always sitting in dresses and skirts in dressing rooms to ensure this happens. While a dress may look fab when I’m standing in the dressing room, sitting down needs to be insured.

          I am a dress and skirt gal. I just cannot find pants. Curvy Talbots works for jeans but not their slacks. Why? I don’t know. I don’t buy sheath dresses. I wish they did not dominate the marketplace. At least this year I have been very successful with these brands via nordstrom, last call (neiman marcus outlet on the internet and brick and mortar), and then also on amazon.

          Good luck. Commiserating I am.

          1. Ooh, some of my best dresses are these thick knit Eliza J/Maggy London dresses. They just skim over my body and don’t make me look like a munchkin.

  9. Is not accepting cash a thing now? Since this summer, I’ve had 2 stores, a cafe and bank branch tell me that they don’t “do” cash or accept cash as a former of payment. It’s a pain because except for books for my e-reader which I buy with a low limit credit card and pay off right away, I use cash exclusively and don’t have any kind of interac or electronic payments or banking set up. Just wondering if I’m the only one who has encountered this.

    1. It is very strange, but why don’t you have any sort of bank account with a debit card? That’s very strange as well.

      1. I have a bank account and savings but I prefer to use cash because it helps me keep track of things. It’s much easier for me to keep track of things went I can see the money in front of me. It may be weird but it is what works for me.

        1. Seems like a debit card would be a good option. Or you’ll be left behind. There is no requirement that businesses accept cash and I think more and more won’t.

      2. Are you in the US? How about a debit card or even paper checks? Those are still cash equivalents.
        I know of several places, including municipal agencies, that don’t accept cash (like paper/ coin money) but do take checks/debit/credit. I think private business are allowed to set their own policies for type of payment barring a state law requiring otherwise/

        1. I am in the US. I use paper checks to pay things like bills and the mortgage. But I don’t do anything electronic and never buy anything (besides my house) unless I have the cash for it already. The stores and cafe were all purchases of $10 to $30 so I wasn’t going to bother writing a check for that (if they even accepted them).

          1. I think you are probably on an uphill battle then as more and more businesses move away from cash. Would recording debit card use in a checkbook register give you the same feeling that cash does where you know that you’ve got the money? FWIW, I’ve found that a bank with a robust online system gives me a real-time snapshot of what’s in my accounts so I don’t overspend. I also think that there are some advantages for using cards (warranties, travel reservations, etc) but you’ve probably already made your peace with that.

          2. I was the victim of identity theft from birth to age 19, and the resulting mess of trying to fix my life is why I won’t go electronic or use debit. I realize it seems weird to people in this day and age but that’s how it is for me.

          3. Is there a religious component to this? I’m being purposely vague for confidentiality purposes but I’ve had business transactions with members of a particular religion that frowned upon debt of any kind and had to rework some major transactions so there wasn’t debt, even for a day, to get it done. If that’s the case, a debit card without overdraft protection is essentially a cash equivalent but I am not a theological expert to say whether that addresses the restriction.

          4. What about getting a prepaid Visa gift card? Can be used at no cash places but isn’t electronic access to any of your accounts?

          5. I was taken from my parents as soon as I was born and my entire childhood until age 18 was spent in 36 different foster homes, followed by a year of homelessness. My birth parents took out loans and credit in my name during those 19 years and by the time I got on my feet and realized it I was hundreds of thousands in debt and had 2 homes that were foreclosed on. It took me years to clear up the mess. So not doing anything electronically makes me feel safer and helps me keep better track. My credit is frozen and my bank accounts are locked so that money can only be withdrawn in person in a branch. I’m probably paranoid but I feel safer this way. The fraud from my childhood almost cost me the chance at buying a home.

          6. For what it’s worth, using checks puts you at very significant risk from an identity theft perspective – all of your checking account information and your address and personal information is on the check. Your protections if you use credit and debit cards are much more robust. If that’s the concern, I’d advise you to move away from checks ASAP.

          7. That sounds very tough, I am sorry. I think the prepaid Visa gift card suggested above is a really good idea.

            And as anecdata, I can think of 1 cafe near me that doesn’t take cash. For them I think they don’t want to keep lots of cash on premises and risk being a target for theft (they’re a 24-hr counter place).

          8. I totally get why this is an issue for you, given your history. One thought I have: you could set up two checking accounts, and get all of your money deposited into one of them. That one would stay on lockdown – no debit card, never give out the info, etc. Once a week or so, you would go into your bank branch and transfer some money into the other account – just enough ($200 or so?) to cover your debit card spending for the week. It could be even less if you only want to use it for the few cases that you can’t use cash. Then, if that account gets compromised some how, it’s not a big deal – you wouldn’t lose any more money than if your wallet got stolen with your weekly cash inside.

            If that’s too much hassle/still not enough security, the prepaid VISA sounds good, although it probably will mean paying more in fees. You could also up the security by having the two checking accounts be at different banks, but that would obviously increase the hassle as well.

      1. Why would it be illegal? Private businesses can request payment in whatever form they want.

        1. From the US Treasury website:
          The pertinent portion of law that applies to your question is the Coinage Act of 1965, specifically Section 31 U.S.C. 5103, entitled “Legal tender,” which states: “United States coins and currency (including Federal reserve notes and circulating notes of Federal reserve banks and national banks) are legal tender for all debts, public charges, taxes, and dues.”

          This statute means that all United States money as identified above are a valid and legal offer of payment for debts when tendered to a creditor. There is, however, no Federal statute mandating that a private business, a person or an organization must accept currency or coins as for payment for goods and/or services. Private businesses are free to develop their own policies on whether or not to accept cash unless there is a State law which says otherwise. For example, a bus line may prohibit payment of fares in pennies or dollar bills. In addition, movie theaters, convenience stores and gas stations may refuse to accept large denomination currency (usually notes above $20) as a matter of policy.

      2. Businesses have to accept dollars- but they dont have to accept cash.

        Sweetgreen, in DC, has started taking only their app and cards as forms of payment- I’m curious how quickly this is catching on.

    3. I’m in Canada, so take it with a grain of salt because we are ahead of the USA in payment technologies (everyone now uses tap debit cards or chip and PIN). No one has swiped and signed a CC or debit in years.

      We also, IIRC, have a much higher use of debit cards – which, because cash comes directly out of your account, is basically a more convenient cash.

      A lot of lunch-type places in the financial district have stopped accepting cash and only take debit/credit now. With tap cards, cash is significantly slower. I haven’t seen this outside of major cities and even then, outside of very “busy” places, but I would expect it is the way things are going.

      1. A lot of mom and pop stores have narrow margins and reward cards have very high fees, so they are squeezed by them (regular debt has lower merchant fees). There is a cost to cashless.

        Cash seems to keep me more honest — the money is leaving me, not some abstract cost I’m absorbing (or the enormity of my frittering away $ is not due to my cash spending, so I try to do as much cash as possible).

        1. People constantly make the argument that cash is cheaper for a business to accept because of the credit card transaction fees, and it’s flat out wrong. Cash requires an employee to count and deposit it, is extremely prone to not all of the receipts actually making it into the deposit, and has considerable compliance costs with banking regulations (ask me how many “mom and pop stores” I represented who had to pay tens of thousands in legal fees because they ran afoul, unintentionally, of structuring laws and had a SAR filed on them by their bank).

          Businesses love any chance to charge more money if their customers will accept it, so they take advantage of the ignorance of customers who do believe your argument and use it when shifting the transaction fee to customers, but that doesn’t mean it’s correct. They’ve already factored in the costs of accepting cash into the price of their goods/services, because they could never get away with adding a percent onto your receipt and calling it a “cash handling fee.” It just means that where business charges a card fee, card customers are getting hit both ways.

      2. Same in the UK. Been chip and pin for a long time (mid-late90s). Occasionally when out the country I’ve been asked to sign and it seems so old fashioned.

    4. Less errors with cash and drawers, faster for consumers = less transaction time = less time interacting with a cashier = less staffing costs for stores, etc (when you are talking over large franchises…)

      This is the way things are heading, whether we (or my grandparents…) like it or not. I work in the city and a couple of my favorite lunch places don’t take cash. What about a prepaid debit card?

      1. There are fees for those. And you lose a lot of stub money (the $.37 or $1.14 left over on a card that’s hard to use when you have a long line and want to buy something to soak up a balance). Overall annoying. With cash you know how much is in your wallet. When credit, you can just look at the bill and pay it off. Prepaids are the devil.

        I do unclaimed property audits and deal with cc companies all the time. It’s like gambling: bad for a consumer and the house always makes $ on you.

        1. Yep, well, I didn’t say it was a perfect solution… but if the OP doesn’t want a bank account they are probably looking at paying a premium for a solution.

          My dad still sends me prepaid Visas for Christmas, etc. – I’m not complaining because it’s a gift, but I joke it’s slightly less useful than cash…

    5. Wow, I live in a small town that has the opposite problem – there are a handful of mom and pop stores/restaurants that *only* take cash and refuse to put in a credit card machine. I haven’t been to a store yet that was cashless (that I’m aware of, maybe I just wasn’t paying attention) although I have seen kiosks and vending machines that only took credit cards.

      I understand wanting to primarily use cash in order to do an envelope budgeting system – I have friends that have gone to cash only “diets” as a way to reset their mindless spending trends. What about using a pre-paid Visa as a compromise? You can buy them at places like drugstores and grocery stores, and you don’t have to have your name on it or put a lot of money on it, and if you physically do an envelope budgeting system you could move money out of your “dining out” envelope into your “pre-paid Visa” envelope every time you use the pre-paid card.

      There are a handful of things that are a pain about the prepaid cards (like if you only have $23.25 left on them and try to make a $25 purchase the card gets rejected but it can’t tell you exactly how much if left on the card, just that it’s not enough, so you have to keep close records), but it might be a way for you to get by without physically linking your name and bank account to a card that could be stolen.

      1. Also, after reading what you wrote above, to ease into credit card use:

        -there are cards that will text you whenever a charge is made above a certain dollar amount. I have this for my Discover card, I’m sure there are other cards that offer this as well. I can set the lower level dollar amount to anything I want, so I’m pretty sure I could set it to $0.01 if I wanted to. The text doesn’t give any identifying information as to the account, it just says:

        Discover card: Transaction of $XXX.XX at STORENAME posted to your account on DATE.

        The notifications are usually fast (I’ve received them before the receipt even printed out, for instance). So if there was fraudulent activity on your card, you would know about it ASAP.

        It looks like Chase and Bank of America also offer this kind of service, so it’s possible you could get a card like this from a place with a physical location so you wouldn’t have to do online banking at all.

        I’m sorry you have such a financial mess to deal with through no fault of your own. I know “go to therapy” gets thrown around here a lot, but is there possibly someone who specializes in helping victims of past identity theft work out a system that works for them – maybe someone in the financial sector more so than the therapy side of things. It sounds like you’ve found a medium term coping system by going to 99% cash-based, but it doesn’t seem like that is going to be sustainable in the long term, unfortunately. What would happen if your bank was part of one of the (many, many) mergers that have been happening recently? Would the “only able to take money out at a physical branch” restriction still apply? Because if you are able to write checks, that means that money can go in and out using your routing and account number – so that is another place that has the potential for fraudulent use, unfortunately.

        1. OP, I sympathize, but I do think you’re fighting a losing battle here. More and more places don’t take cash, including small businesses and food trucks, just in my experience this week.

          I would add to what Meg Murry said above that you actually get more/easier protection from identity theft from a credit card than you do from a checking account. If someone steals your money from your checking account, it takes a lot more time and effort to get it back. Anecdata: someone forged checks from my brother’s checking account about a year back and stole thousands of dollars (IIRC it was $10k). This caused further issues because it created an overdraft, for which they charged him a fee. He was able to get everything straightened out with the bank, but it took like a month and in the meanwhile he didn’t have the money he needed in his checking account.

          If someone uses your credit card without authorization, you just call the credit card company and tell them you didn’t make the charge and they take the charge off and send you a new card. I’ve had my credit card information stolen dozens of times, and have never had to bear any responsibility for the fraudulent charges. Sometimes I notice a charge when I look at my online statements (which I do several times a week) and report it, but more often they notice something out of the ordinary and call me to ask me if it was me. When I say no, the charge never even shows up on my statement.

          From a budgeting perspective, I understand what you’re saying about only using the cash you have in front of you being a good way to track your spending. Personally, I don’t want to carry cash and I find the budgeting mechanism that works just as well as cash for me is just having only one credit card. That way everything I spend is viewable at once, and in almost real time because the websites get updated so quickly with what you’ve bought. At times when I’ve had more than one card because I was trying to optimize points on a store card or something I ended up spending outside my budget.

      2. Same. Our local ice cream shop JUST started taking credit cards in 20 freaking 16. I’ve never heard of cashless stores except food/drink purchases on airplanes.

      3. So there are several hipster bars and stores in my area that don’t take anything but cash, they give change in $2 bills and gold dollar coins. It’s well interesting and well and good as long as I know in advance that i’m going there and can get cash.

        That is all to say, I see things going both ways, no cash and cash only.

        There has to be a re-loadable visa type gift card that gets rid of the small balance problem.

        1. I don’t always carry cash, but when I do I really like the dollar coins. I find them a lot more convenient than dollar bills. $2 bills I think are pretty useless though

    6. What happened to “legal tender for all debts, public and private” ? I can’t fathom just NOT accepting cash. Exact change, maybe.

      1. Well, buying something at a store isn’t a debt. It’s a private business. They have to do business in the dollar but they aren’t required to accept physical dollars. Have you never been to a gas station or store that won’t take a $100 bill?

      2. It’s not a debt. You’re paying at the time you’re receiving the good or service. If they don’t want to accept your form of payment, they’re just declining to sell you the good/service, not refusing your payment for a debt.

  10. My husband and I are planning a nice evening in later and would like to watch a decent movie (as opposed to Netflix reruns). I’m kind of in the mood for something adventure-y (think Indiana Jones) or something historical-ish set on a university. Any suggestions?

      2. +!, I enjoyed that one. Watched it on a plane, back to back with The Theory of Everything (also set at university), which was terribly kitschy.

      3. Loved The Imitation Game, so much so that I was spurred to read a bit about the project. The movie is probably better understood as fiction since it takes a lot of liberties with the facts in search of a better story. Joan Clarke, for example, was already at the project when Alan Turing joined (although the movie shows her being recruited by him). She was interviewed about the movie, though, and thought that it gave a good sense of her struggles with sexism, even though it strayed from historical truth.

      4. As long as you are OK with crying for awhile after it. It was hard on me because I knew the story before I watched it and so it was just heartwrenching from the get-go.

        Have you seen the National Treasure movies? Or the Dan Brown books that got made into a movie? (Da Vinci Code, Angels and Demons) etc.

    2. I’m struggling to think of an adventure movie recommendation (Mad Max: Fury Road, maybe?) but even though my recommendation isn’t exactly in either genre, I feel like it would be a kindred spirit: Spirited Away.

    3. I don’t know if they count as “good”, but definitely aventure-y in the Indiana Jones tradition

      National Treasure
      The Mummy and The Mummy Returns (you can skip the third one)
      The Librarian (Noah Wyle in a TNT cable movie – I think there are 2-3 of them)
      Sahara (based on Clive Cussler novel, has Matthew McConaughey in it, but Steve Zahn is a comedic genius)

    6. Do you like the Marvel movies? I recently watched Antman and Avengers: Age of Ultron and they were both entertaining.

      1. I think all 3 Captain America movies are really well-done – the last two in particular are good movies, not just good action movies! For H and the OP.

    7. My husband and I really liked Hector and the Search for Happiness. It’s got some adventure and a lovely story line. We stumbled across the movie on Netflix one night.

    9. We liked Bridge of Spies and 42. Second the recommendations for A Beautiful Mind and Race.

    10. Thanks everyone!! I actually already saw The Imitation Game and really liked it (also LOVE The Lives of Others – one of my top three favorite movies). Still plenty of good options!

  11. Recommendations for soft short-sleeved tshirts to wear to a business casual workplace? Also under suits or with jackets etc. Preferably under $30

    1. I got a couple from White House Black Market recently that are really nice. Very soft, smooth fabric and a nice, dressier neckline. Kat featured them on the Mom’s site recently, too.

      1. I am a big fan of their “seamless tees” as they call them. Frequently they are on sale for $25 or so. I have a few but they are hard to find as they are not available year round. I feel like I am constantly stalking these shirts to get more in additional colors.

        So that is frustrating, but they are ideal for layering.

    2. I have a couple shirts from The Limited that would be nice looking on their own. I’m always cold so I usually wear them under cardigans.

  12. Ever have a situation where you just don’t respect a good friend’s husband? Why?

    I have 1 such friend situation and I am constantly telling myself – not your business; it’s their marriage; they’re high school sweethearts so obv by age 40 they have a bond I can’t even understand etc. And yet I just cannot respect him bc he’s a stay home dad (again – not my business; it’s their joint decision; etc.) who is LAZY. I wish my friend just wouldn’t tell me things. But the kids are in school now full day and from the sounds of it the days are spent watching tv and sleeping, while my friend toils away 60+ hrs a week in a job she doesn’t love. Her toiling away provides them a mansion in the most upscale suburb in the area; vacations; food on the table etc. Again – their choice. But when she tells me things like – I got home from work at 10 pm and he had taken the kids out to eat but hadn’t brought me/made me anything and I was exhausted so I ate PB&J — I can’t help but think — really dude, she’s your meal ticket, can’t you take care of her a little?!

    1. Not your circus, not your monkeys. Keep quiet unless you want to lose the friend.

    2. Women fought for equality right? Men have been doing the same thing as your friend thoughout history. Equal rights for us means equality across the board, we can’t just pick and choose.

      1. Hahahaha what? Nope. Not at all. Those men came home to clean houses and hot meals. Ye olde housewives of yore kept house.

      2. House wives have been failing to put a meal on the table for the breadwinner throughout history? News to me.

        1. Women have been leaching off men and using them for money throughout history. Or not working and spending all his money. Just look at the women who marry rich men and contribute nothing except their bodies. Obviously it’s only a small percentage of women and men are not perfect either, but what is good for the goose is good for the gander and if women can do it, why can’t men like OP’s friend’s husband?

          2. I think most people would agree that the scenarios you describe above are not equal partnerships. OP’s concern in that her friend’s marriage doesn’t sound like an equal partnership either, and that is why she feels frustrated on behalf of her friend.

      3. My mother was the exact same way towards my dad when I was growing up. I hated it when I got old enough to understand and I always promised myself that I wouldn’t be lazy like she was and would have a job and be able to support myself. My dad is still working and he’s almost 70 and he is in denial about how lazy she is.

    3. Is your friend actually complaining or just telling you these things matter-of-factly? It may be that she’s the one that really wants the mansion, the vacations, etc., and is ok with working hard while he stays home. If he values material stuff a lot less than her, why shouldn’t he get to stay home while she brings home the money to buy what she wants? If she’s whining to you, I get why you are annoyed at the guy but otherwise you need to just accept that it’s not what you would choose but it works for their family.
      I’m also not sure I would characterize a stay-at-home parent as lazy for not making dinner for their spouse. A SAHP’s primary job is childcare, so long as he is taking full responsibility of the kids, including getting them fed, I’m not sure why it’s his job to also cook for her. I get that he has a large stretch of free time while they’re in school, but if she’s getting home at 10 and they have no childcare other than school, he is essentially working from 3 to 10 (or 9 or whenever the kids go to bed), which is close to the amount of time many people who work outside the home spend at work. The school day is essentially his evening.

      1. Oh god what is wrong with people? Yes, in the entire school day he should be able to get dinner together. Not her circus not her monkeys but srsly? Defending a lazy jerk?

        1. I have several stay at home mom friends and they don’t do anything close to 100% of the housework. Yes, that’s the way it was in the 1960s, but now things are more equitable. Not 50-50 but the dads definitely shoulder some of the household chores. I agree if this guy is never cooking for the family, he’s lazy, but I don’t think the fact that one time his wife came home to a house with no meal ready and had to eat a PB&J makes him a terrible person (presumably he isn’t taking the kids out to eat every day and when he cooks for him and the kids she also gets to eat it).

          2. What’s “oh please” ? You don’t believe my friends don’t cook dinner for their husbands every night? Or you think the standards for a stay at home dad should be different than a stay at home mom? I’m honestly confused. You seem to have an imagine of a stay-at-home wife that’s from a different era. Today’s stay-at-home-moms are mostly not full-time homemakers.

          3. What on earth are they doing all day if they are not full-time homemakers? If I became a SAHM and didn’t spend my time taking care of the house and the kids, I don’t think my husband would want to be married to me for long.

          4. If you stay at home, and your kids are in school, and you can’t manage dinner for everyone in the family most of the time, you’re lazy and incompetent.

          5. You must not live where I live. Here, the SAHMs all have nannies, housekeepers and personal chefs or food delivery. They spend their days with friends, yoga, getting pampered at the salon, etc. It doesn’t really seem less lazy to me than lying around in your sweatpants watching TV, although I suppose yoga at least has physical health benefits. But they certainly aren’t cleaning their homes and making dinner.

        2. I know exactly one SAHM and she does pretty much everything – cooking, cleaning, childcare, drop off/pick up. It’s one thing if the children are home all day, but given that they are in school, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect him to cook dinner every day or most days. If I were the wife and consistently came back home with my SAHD not cooking me dinner, you better believe I would be very resentful.

      2. What? Stay-home parenting is a real, serious job, not a license to watch TV all day, or even at any time during the day unless he is folding laundry or cooking at the same time. If she is working late and he takes the kids out to dinner, he should be asking her if she wants him to pick something up for her to eat when she gets home.

        I know a family with a SAHD. He cooks dinner. And home-schools the kids.

        1. Seriously? A stay at home parent shouldn’t be able to watch TV at any point unless they are folding laundry or cooking? Because taking some time to watch TV is so much worse than commenting on this s**e on your employer’s dime? (Not referring to OP’s situation, but this particular comment). I don’t even have cable so I’m don’t watch TV at all during the day, but JEEZ. Though I should thank you for pointing out that stay at home parenting is an actual job… and the job is to PARENT, not necessarily be a full-time housekeeper.

          1. That’s true that the primary job is to parent, but if your kids are in school all day then the SAHD in this scenario has time to other stuff – right?

      3. “The school day is essentially his evening.” Right, and in the evening, those of us with jobs come home and cook dinner and clean our houses and walk our dogs and take care of our kids and water our plants and do our laundry and grocery shop and… well, you get the idea.

        I see your logic re: his free time being patterned differently than hers because of childcare duties, but that doesn’t mean he gets to do absolutely nothing during that free time – that’s not how it works, whether your career is in a traditional workplace or it’s staying home to take care of your kids. Ultimately, none of this is OP’s business, but OP isn’t wrong for having some side-eye for this dude.

        1. +1 If the OP’s friend is working until 10pm she does not get “her” free time in the evenings. She gets free time never.

    4. He sounds like a lazy jerk, but it’s not your business unless she asks you for help.

    5. Yes, I have a friend who married a jerky manchild who could not figure out how to change a diaper or microwave some food to feed his kid. He’s horrible, but she’s happy, and I guess if she wanted to settle down and have kids, it’s probably better for her to do it with him than to be a single mom. It’s a little different because she’s a stay at home mom now, but maybe the same is true for your friend – her husband is far from perfect, but he’s good enough and takes care of the kids. Better for her to have a free live-in nanny than to be a single mom doing it all on her own.

    6. I used to be pretty judgy about other peoples relationships when I was in my 20s. In my 30s, I’ve realized that I’m just really wrong a lot of times. People have different tolerance levels for different things. With pretty much 100% of couples I know well enough to know about their ups and downs, there’s something in the relationship that would be a dealbreaker for me. And pretty much 100% of my relationships have included some annoying thing that would’ve been a dealbreaker for any number of my friends. So yes, ime it’s super common to struggle with respecting a good friend’s partner. But that’s why they’re not YOUR partner. It’s not up to you to respect or not respect them as a partner; the only thing that’s up to you is to respect them as a human being and as the person that your friend chose to be with.

      1. Also, don’t forget that it’s totally possible you’re only hearing the venting and not the positive stuff. FWIW, in one of our rougher patches I could see my husband taking the kids out to eat and not getting me anything because in previous times I had complained about what he got me or because in the past he had texted me to ask me what I wanted and I never responded or told him “never mind”.

        Obviously, this is a less than ideal situation for your friend, but you don’t know the whole story. If you wanted to, you could say to your friend “You know, all I ever hear about [husband] is when you are venting about something he did or didn’t do, and it’s painting a super negative picture of him in my head, to the point where it’s difficult for me to interact with him in person without thinking about all that negative stuff. Feel free to vent away, but tell me about the positive stuff sometimes too so I can understand why you stay with him and that he isn’t a monster.”

        But yes, there are definitely people in my life that I just have to sigh and assume that there must be *some* positive reason why such a great woman married a man I just don’t get at all that I’m just not seeing – and I’m willing to bet that there are people out there that are probably thinking the same thing about my husband and I.

      2. +1

        Sure, that guy sounds lazy AF and incredibly inconsiderate (ok, he took the kids out to dinner instead of making it, that doesn’t sound that bad to me if it’s occasional, but not bothering to pick something up for his wife??), but I would also remember that she’s complaining when she’s upset, and as humans I think we’re much more likely to complain than we are to mention good things. Presumably, she thinks there are good things or she wouldn’t put up with his foibles.

        You are allowed to not like the guy, to think he was a jerk on X occasion because of Y thing he did, to think to yourself “I would never be with a guy like that”, but in the end its her relationship and not your place to judge.

    7. In a previous life I was the person who was married to the guy everybody hated. The particulars were different but he was a jerk and my friends couldn’t stand him. I don’t really know what to tell you other than that it was awful and I treasure the friends who stuck with me and let me vent about him for years on end while I gathered the courage to leave.

      And yeah, I think a SAHP of school-age kids ought to be able to put dinner on the table for everybody, most nights.

    8. Yeah, and it ended my friendship. At a certain point, they enter such extreme mental gymnastics to justify their life choices that I just can’t respect or trust them anymore.

  13. Question about booties/boots/fall shoes. I need something new for this fall/winter, something comfortable, everyday use, flat or low-ish heal. I’m interested in booties, but as a pear shape, I feel like they cut off my legs and make them look stumpy. Ideally, I would like a pair I could wear with skinny jeans and skirts. Any suggestions?

    1. I really like the Sam Edelman petty booties – they’re pretty flat and super comfy. I usually prefer the look of heels but these are comfy and look good with pretty much anything.

    2. I actually think booties with skinny jeans can be lengthening for the leg, if worn right.

      My staple is black booties with a heel or wedge with black skinny jeans. My legs look long with that Colin of color + heel.

      But booties with skirts is a tougher look to pull off, despite what the fashion trends suggest. I would keep the skirt a bit shorter, above the knee.

    3. Look for a pair with a V or dip or notch in the front at the ankle, rather than a straight horizontal line. Check out the Sole Society Daphne for a good example of that dip.

    4. I think a lighter color boot would reduce the stumpy leg look. If you’re Caucasian, I don’t think you need to find a pale beige boot, but even a brown would be less contrast than black. Also, look for a boot with a “cutout” in the front of the vamp, to increase the visible length of your leg (Like this: http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/jessica-simpson-dacia-bootie-women/4370701?origin=category-personalizedsort&fashioncolor=DARK%20OLIVE%20SUEDE – I have no idea if those are good boots or not, those were just the first I found that had a cutout.)

      If you can stand a heel, even a small heel will help lengthen the leg. And if you do want black, wearing tights with the skirts will help create one long leg. Keeping the skirt hemline above your knee also helps.

      I just bought these this week, in black leather. I love them, and they are so comfortable. But I’m 5’7″, so leg lengthening isn’t one of the problems I have to work with. Even so, when I tried them on with a skirt and no tights, I thought my legs looked pretty stumpy. http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/blondo-valli-waterproof-bootie-women/4026896?origin=category-personalizedsort&fashioncolor=GREY%20SUEDE

  14. Any insight into how much an in house role at a pharma company would pay? I’m a mid level BigLaw associate and I’m considering applying for a Senior Counsel position.

    1. Lawyers at the pharma I worked at made between 200,000-350,000, depending on seniority.

      They also got an annual 20-40% bonus

      1. Big, international company (top 10 largest). East coast city.

        The company has had pipeline issues for a few years so I think their legal budget may be a bit tighter than most.

        1. I haven’t been in Pharma for ~5 years, but back then our lawyers were on the lower side of the range above, probably 150-250. You only saw 350 for the really big superstars, none of whom were still at my particular (top 10 international) company.

          Pharma in general pays better than other private sectors, but you’re right that as pipelines have tightened, those higher-paid, experienced salaries have gotten a little squeezed.

        2. Also, keep job security in mind .There have been huge industry consolidations in pharma, where a fair number of middle and senior managers lost their jobs. Or had to move to another city.

    3. Youre a midlevel associate and think you’re senior counsel at one of the top 5 pharmas? Reality check is needed.

      1. Not the same pharma company, but the companies we work with call everyone “senior counsel.” It seems to be a catch-all for everything from positions for midlevel-senior associates (7-8 years experience) to former partners.

        1. No comment on pharma but I love those books and wanted to say that your username made me smile.

      2. One of my law school classmates is already in a different Senior Counsel position at the same company. I don’t know her well enough to ask her what she makes, but I don’t think it’s crazy to consider to apply for this particular position. I fit every metric in their ad.

  15. I’ve been excited to see some recent posts about finding clothes for a petite hourglass figures! Hi fellow petites-with-some-curves! Does anyone have recommendations for pant suits that work well for petite hourglass figures? I am working my way through the brands on the recent petite suit recommendation post, and I am really striking out. About half of the ones I’ve tried end up looking too va va voom with my curves. The others make me look like I’m playing dress up in my mom’s suits. Any recommendations for brands I should be trying? I now have to wear a suit every day for work, so I figure it’s time to get this right! I’d like to go a step above BR and Ann Taylor in quality, if possible, as my recent suits from there haven’t held up so well. Thanks!

    1. I’m a petite with curves. My favorite step up from BR/AT/Limited quality suit is Classiques Entier. Not quite as curvy as I like. Sometimes it’s fine, sometimes I size up and alter the waist band.

    2. I’m a petite hourglass and I find that White House Black Market petites fits me well, especially for dresses and blazers

      1. I also love the suiting sheath dress from the Limited. Arguably the best-fitting item in my closet.

    3. I’ve found the same thing about BR and Ann T lately! I was just in those stores last week looking for new suits for the fall season and everything was… very poorly constructed, and not well-tailored at all. I ended up spending quite at bit more on a pantsuit from Reiss, but I feel like a million bucks in it. Also, they did day-of, inexpensive tailoring for me as well. It was considerably more expensive, but given the quality and fit difference, would highly recommend.

    4. Tahari and Ann Klein at Macys? Armani jackets fit me like a glove – I go resale/consignment for them. I don’t have to wear a full on suit so the skirt and Armani jacket does up the ante without being vavoom.

  16. Macy’s has some FANTASTIC plus-size toppers for those of use who don’t want to wear structured suit blazers but want to upgrade a bit from cardigans. They are also advertising some fantastic blouses and nice wide leg trousers. I’ve struggled to find interesting blazers in more casual fabrics, so I was so excited when I got the email.

    1. I don’t think they’d be too dressy if you wore dark jeans (or black jeans) and a nicer top.

    2. I think those would look great with jeans – the strap/buckle detail is interesting but not overwhelming since it’s monochome.

    3. Would any of you ladies wear flat booties like these with a skirt and tights in winter?

      I quit wearing heels this year (they made some foot problems worse) and sold my gorgeous 3″ heel booties. This pair of flat ones is gorgeous, but I’m wondering if they would look right with skirts? Does anyone style flat booties this way?

  18. How do the shoes run? Narrow, small? I’m between a 7.5 and an 8. In Cole Haan, I need a 7.5 wide (or C, depending on how it’s labeled).

    1. I can’t remember but I personally found the brand to be very uncomfortable (I bought and returned some heels).

    2. I find they run a little wide. I assume I have average width feet since I’ve never had width issues with other brands.

    3. I also think they run a little wide but true to size, lengthwise. I find them uncomfortable because they come up really high on the back of my ankle/heel and rub that spot where the tendon is.

    4. I find them to be super comfortable (I have the Del in 2 colors, one patent and one leather), but my feet are wide-ish in the front.

  19. One of my wisdom teeth is coming through and OH do I know about it. Any recs for the best way to get the pain to go?

    1. Ibuprofen will help. That happened to me – only one of my teeth came in in my late 20’s and it led to me grinding my teeth, my teeth shifting a litlel and eventually other problems. I would get it pulled now to save the hassle later, if they’re not all coming through.

    2. Mine are coming in too – mid 30’s here. The dentist thinks all looks good though and doesn’t want to yank em right now unless the pain is really interrupting my life. I find I notice it more when it is about to rain which is random.

    4. I saw my dentist last week for a routine check up and she said there was space for all four wisdom teeth to come in but to expect pain as they crowned. So it’s not a worry

  20. Weird Q — but any recommendations for an OTC retinol cream to temporarily replace the prescription-grade retinol (trentinonin or something?) I just ran out and can’t get into see my derm until November — don’t necessarily want to buy a new tube of the prescription stuff because it was a bit strong for me, so I’m looking for an OTC to fill the gap and keep my skin vaguely accustomed to retinols. Thanks in advance!

    2. Philosophy Help Me cream, but If you want something less expensive you can try the Neutrogena kind. Can’t you call the Derm’s office and have them call in a prescription until then?

    4. Can’t you just call the doctor’s office and leave a message asking for a refill? Or have the pharmacy fax your doc asking to do this?

      Most doctors do not require a new appointment for a refill of retinols.

    5. Or use Spruce, the dermatologist app. I think your first visit is still free (google it.) for minor issues like this it’s great.

    1. I really like that suit and don’t think it veers frumpy at all, at least as styled on the website, but I do think it’s too casual-ish for court – you could probably get away with it in black, but something about the color plus the knit is reading not formal enough, for me, for court (although I’d wear it to work generally, depositions, client meetings, etc. in a heartbeat).

      1. Sigh….I’m trying to get away from black suits. I just never feel comfortable in them anymore. Kind of like I’m always going to a funeral. Which is odd because when I was younger I wore black almost exclusively and I still love a good black dress. But something about black suits…

      2. Droolworthy suit. I absolutely love it. Yes, it’s knit I think the color and style make it fine for court.

      1. +1

        I can’t believe it’s St. John! Not what I expected.

        Great charcoal color. Love it.

        1. OP here….I never knew that St John sold direct on their own website. When tooling around there today, I found a fair number of items that were much more “sharp” than the items I’ve seen at Nordstrom and elsewhere (which can sometimes lean too frumpy OR “ladies who lunchie”). Worth checking out if, like me, you like the St. John fit

  22. Got my first adult paycheck last night. Nonprofit paycheck, but very exciting nonetheless. I went to Gap and bought $140 worth of clothes, including things that were not on sale, which is not something I usually do; I shop a lot, but usually more in the $50-60 at a time and preferably everything on sale or at the used clothing stores near the universities. I know it’s not very much compared to what a lot of people here spend at one time, or even on one item, but I’m wearing awesome ikat-print skinny pants today (not ankle pants, actual skinny dress pants) and also bought them in grey, and I feel so awesome and confident and cool.

    2. FYI gap always has some sort of sale- I would wait until 30-40% off pops up on their website and reorder and return if you are worried about $.

      1. I know. Gap is my work clothes BFF- there are many, many days where everything I’m wearing except for my shoes (everything) is from Gap. But I am looking online right now. Tees were 40% off and pants were 20% off, but it’s always something like that at Gap, so I just consider anything I don’t buy from the sale section “not on sale.”

        1. aha okay good! I have been happy with my recent gap purchases…I used to never shop there but have been pleasantly surprised lately.

          1. I’ve got SO MANY of their fit and flare dresses. My 1L summer, I needed some business casual clothes and just rotated 5-6 of them. Now I’ve got a lot of their shirt dresses, tees and blouses, and other basics. I am SO INTO these pants, though- boot cut pants look terrible on me, and ankle pants aren’t going to work for fall/winter. These are actual skinny pants, and they look great on me- not too tight, but I don’t look like I’m playing dress up. And they’re comfy, too.

  23. Hi, Does anyone have a rec for a white noise machine that they like? There are so many to choose from on Amazon…overwhelming. Thanks!

    2. We use a free app called “Relax and Sleep” with a Bluetooth speaker. You can select a mix of sounds and levels to get what’s right for you. And because it’s just phone + speaker, it’s cheap and easy to travel with.

    4. My friends with the Dohm swear by it, but we bought the “Munchkin Nursery Projector and Sound Machine” off Amazon for half the price. We don’t use the projector part so I can’t comment on that, but the sound portion still works great, even with nightly use for the past 4 years.

Comments are closed.