This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.
I love the minimal but colorful details on this crossbody bag from Clare V! The woven leather also looks like it's well made — worthy of the $425 pricetag. The bag comes in several different iterations in terms of color, leather, and detailing (loooooove this Art Deco-ish quilted version!).
You can find it at Nordstrom, Anthropologie, The Yes, Stitchfix(!), and Clare V.
This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!
Sales of note for 8.30.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off full-price purchase; $99 jackets, dresses & shoes; extra 50% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Final Days Designer Sale, up to 75% off; extra 20% off sale
- Boden – 20% off
- Brooks Brothers – Extra 25% off clearance
- Eloquii – Up to 60% off everything; extra 60% off all sale
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide; extra 60% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – Extra 20% off orders $125+; extra 60% off clearance; 60%-70% off 100s of styles
- Lo & Sons – Summer sale, up to 50% off (ends 9/2)
- Madewell – Extra 40% off sale; extra 50% off select denim; 25% off fall essentials
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Rothy's – End of season sale, up to 50% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear in the big sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 25% off regular-price purchase; 70% off clearance
- White House Black Market – Up to 70% off sale
Anonymous
The tire question earlier reminds me of this – for things like a tire or minor things like a windshield wiper needing to be changed or something, do you normally go to the dealership for whatever brand car you own or someplace else like another shop that works on all cars? I grew up in a home that was always dealership dealership dealership, don’t let anyone else touch your car. I was never clear on why and did not care as I lived in Manhattan for a decade after school, but now in the suburbs with the car, I’m curious what others do and why.
Anonymous
I only go to the dealer for maintenance and repair that is covered by the warranty. Changing a wiper, I do that myself.
anon
This. I also go to my local mechanic after around 5 years or whenever warranties expire. Until then, it’s all dealership but for small things I can do myself.
eertmeert
I have a garage near my work, they do the work on my car and whenever I have a question I ask them. They’ve replaced my windshield wipers for free (i mean, i buy the wiper and they throw it on for me). They are super nice, reliable, excellent customer service, and just all around trustworthy. So I go to them for reapirs and regular oil changes. I found them via yelp.
They only work on Japanese cars, so I take my Japanese car there. They send Christmas cards every year. I will probably always buy Japanese cars so that I can stay with them.
I will bring my car to the dealership I bought it from if my usual garage is closed on the weekend and it needs to be looked at right away, or if there is a recall that needs to be dealt with.
Anonymous
I used to work for a major automaker and while I think the corporation itself is evil, I learned the value of dealership repairs. The mechanics at a dealership go on routine special training for the auto makers vehicles. This training is far and above any training Joe mechanic will have, and it means the dealership mechanics are much more knowledgeable on your particular make and model of vehicle. A lot of the ‘sample’ cars that the mechanics were trained on were ones that small mechanics botched royally because they didn’t have the appropriate knowledge.
anon
Interesting! That makes a lot of sense.
Anon
-Tires- I go to an America’s Tires location by my house. I can walk there and drop my car off. I also get the warranty that will cover some damage no matter what location I go to.
-Oil Change – got to a oils change place by my house because it is close and I can do it whenever the line is really short
-Other repairs – we found a local mechanic we trust, we go there. This is also about a mile from my house. I drop my car off and walk.
-Dealership Repairs – we only take it in to the dealership when we need some part that the dealership can order directly or have it on hand or if we have some recall things that need to be addressed anyways.
-I avoid going to the dealership because they charge way more and always take wayyyyyyyyyyyyy too long. I don’t want to have to make an appointment and still have to leave my car for hours when I can get a drive through oil change in about 15 mins.
JTM
For something simple like an oil change, I just go to a local place (never Jiffy Lube! I’ve heard too many stories about ruined cars after Jiffy Lube touched them). For something more involved, I’ll go to the dealer.
My husband drives a luxury SUV so he goes to the dealership for all maintenance.
Anon
I have a 15 year old grudge against Jiffy Lube. Was appalled at the way they tried to upsell me – bordered on fraud.
Anon
Same! They CRACKED my oil pan. And then refused to take responsibility for it. Last time I went there.
Anon
You can definitely change a windshield wiper yourself. But no, I’ve always taken my car to the local shop that has a mechanic I know and trust.
Anonymous
I buy used cars, so the dealership I buy from may not be the same as the make of my car. Therefore, i never go to dealerships. I used independent shops (usually recommended by a friend) for more extensive repairs, and more general branded shops for stuff like brakes, tires, headlights, etc. My take on dealerships is that they are more expensive, and may or may not be better quality. But if you have stuff covered by a dealership as part of a maintenance agreement, obviously that’s the way to go. They are also more likely to have amenities like courtesy cars to pick you up or drop you off, or loaner vehicles if your car is in for a major repair.
anon
I switch off between dealership and a chain tire store to cover my needs. Car isn’t that old, so this may change in the future:
Tire rotation, pressure, replacement – national chain tire store. I also have insurance on the tires as I have bad tire luck. I go to them for tire needs that don’t fall in a regularly scheduled maintenance time
Everything else (so far oil, filter changes)- dealership. I asked a local mechanic what the prices were for this basic work and it was the same price as the dealer. Dealer has fantastic ‘free’ coffee, so dealer won out in this case.
Wipers – DIY, they’re pretty easy
Cleaning – I run the car through a car wash, and vacuum, wipe down surfaces myself.
I have friends with luxury cars that swear by their mechanics, but I’ve not yet had success finding a local mechanic and I have a Toyota. Nothing exotic over here. I also bought the car new so it was easy to start with going to the dealer for the included oil changes and service stuff, and I think that will continue for the foreseeable future. I haven’t had any issue with the service provided either.
Anonymous
Dealership only for everything – doesn’t matter if it’s an oil change or a state inspection or tires. And no not because it’s a fancy car, it’s a standard Japanese sedan. I’m sure this costs me more but I think dealer mechanics are just much better trained and honestly I don’t have to wonder if they are trying to upsell me things I don’t need. I also don’t want to have to keep track of what I need; they know based on mileage + last time I was there that it’s time for an oil change or tire alignment or whatever. My impression is when you go to various places – like this place for an oil change, that place for tires – it’s on you to keep track of what was done when and remind yourself that it’s time for another oil change or whatever. Dealer servicing is just less of a hassle in that way – drop off the car for 4 hours, they decide what’s needed, make sure you want to proceed, and do it/charge you.
PLB
I change my wipers but anything else, I’m going to the dealership. It has served me well.
Anon
Of course you have to worry that they are trying to upsell you on unnecessary repairs at the dealership. Commissions for service writers are generally based on the tab.
Anonymous
Mine doesn’t. I mean they usually tell you what you need, make their recommendations on what you should do now vs. what can wait and then you decide. I guess it varies.
Anon
I avoid my dealership. Their service department annoys me with an attitude of, “Your tire pressure sensor is out, have you thought about a new car?”
No. If I wanted a new car, I’d be looking at new cars.
Most of the time I do my own repairs and use a local independent for stuff beyond my abilities. Tires, I go to whoever has the best deals at the time I need tires.
Anonymous
Depending on the car and your geographic area, sometimes it is worth it to use a dealer but not necessarily the same one you bought from. I bought at the highest volume dealer for my car because they were giving me the best deal by thousands of dollars. Yet I find that location inconvenient to get to, not great communicators – prob because they are over busy – though they know what they’re doing, and they simply don’t have the nice amenities when you are waiting for your car. Ended up finding a different dealership 10 miles in a preferred direction where they’ll actually discuss what’s needed/make recommendations etc. + just a very nice experience to where when you car is ready there’s a feel of – aw I have to leave, I was relaxing?? But yeah this is only relevant if you are a dealer only type of person and don’t want anyone else touching your car.
Anon
When I have time to work on my project car (yes, yes, I know), I LOVE dealing with the parts/service guys at my local Mercedes dealership. They’re car geeks, not sales guys at heart and are great to deal with. My daily driver is a Toyota and I’ve yet to have a positive experience with the service department at any of the dealerships I’ve tried.
Anon
I found a mechanic who specializes in my type of car (Volvo) and once it was out of warranty, after an absolutely horrible experience trying to get the dealership to fix something major while still in warranty (an attorney was involved), I switched to the local mechanic and never looked back.
My husband is a “car guy” and does things like windshield wiper blades, oil changes, fluids etc, but there are so many specialized Volvo tools he can’t do all of the basic stuff (for instance, he had to buy a Volvo tool to take off the oil filter.) I have a preference for having the mechanics do anything involving safety. My husband is all buddy buddy with them now and will hop on being the one to take the car in when needed.
By the way, one of the lead mechanics at this place is a woman. I didn’t choose the place because of this but it was nice to find out when I started taking the car in. She is surly as all get-out and I have made it my life’s mission to win her over, but my husband needing to be BFFs with the owner/head mechanic is cramping my style. What’s the “c0ck block” equivalent here?
Pep
Tires: I strongly recommend Sam’s Club/Costco. Great warranty and prices.
Wiper blades: I run through the Jiffy Lube by my house for this. They keep a good stock and will install for you.
Oil changes/maintenance: Dealership. I know I’m paying more, but I know they know what they’re doing. I had a bad oil change experience at a Jiffy Lube when I was a recent college grad with my first new car.
Anony
I use a local mechanic/garage for everything. He is brilliant and much (much) more skilled at most makes/models than anyone working at a local dealership (the dealerships call him for consults often and even bring him cars to service that their techs can’t figure out). He has the specialized training and special software to work on ‘fancy’ cars – for example, he pays a monthly fee to BMW to access their system, just like the dealerships do, and can reprogram just about anything. He’s also $30/hour less expensive than any dealership around. The only time I take my vehicle to the dealership is for any warranty/recall issues. You’d be surprised at some of the local, small garages – they can be more educated, more specialized, less expensive, and will never try to upsell you on something you don’t need (like the dealerships in my area at least). My guy only takes referrals; he doesn’t even have a sign out front! But he’s the guy! He was telling me once how another customer wrapped up his branded keychain as a Christmas gift for her sister and told her that she was getting a referral to him for a gift haha he also sends out handwritten Christmas cards which I appreciate.
Anonymous
What dealership is charging you by the hour?
Anon
If you look at your itemized bill at the dealership, labor is usually charged by the hour. (This isn’t necessarily true for routine services like oil change and tire rotation(.
Anonymous
I think OP might have misread a bill. For every type of service there is a standard fee with a flat labor allotment, but on a bill it will show up as ‘1.5 h labor’ or whatever, but that number doesn’t change if it takes longer than expected, the labor amount will always be the same for the same type of service.
Shelle
Found a AAA certified mechanic by getting towed there once (I have a AAA membership that I use for dead batteries or flats). The mechanic is a true gem and I go there for maintenance. Honest, reasonably priced, thorough.
I go to Valvoline for routine oil changes and I’m so much happier they don’t sxually harass me and upsell me like Jiffy Lube. But I don’t trust a chain to spot issues so I take my car to my mechanic every now and then for an oil change and have them look for maintenance needs.
When Valvoline changes my oil I buy the parts to replace the cabin air filter and oil filter myself.
Also change wipers and light bulbs as needed on my own using the manual and Youtube. So easy and cheap.
I only see dealers to buy cars and take care of recalls.
Anon
I know my car well and do a fair amount of my own maintenance. Oil changes aren’t worth doing myself, as I have to jack the car up to get underneath, and it only saves me $15 or so. Those get done at the local tire place, and they also do my tires. (Family owned chain, great road hazard warranty.)
Large repairs are done by an independent mechanic; in my old city, it was a specialist in my type of car, and in my smaller new city, it’s a European auto specialist.
My transmission is weird (listed in non-manufacturer databases as being a different transmission than it is; incompatible fluid will destroy it), and the dealer charges $350 to change the fluid, so I dutifully jack up my car and do that one myself. I go all Mona Lisa Vito when men in shops look at their little computers and tell me that they can do it.
Ellen
My dad doesn’t go to the dealer except to get warranty work done. He goes to Midas for some things and the gas station fixes his wipers and replaces them. He does not do anything himself, and warned me not to try and be handy to save a nickel or two. I trust Dad b/c I know how everything nowadays is complicated, so when I get a car, I will do what Dad said. I know that Rosa does NOTHING. She has Ed do it all, meaning he drives it to the mechanic to do whatever it is that is needed.
Anon
I have never once taken my car to the dealer (bought used from a relative so no warranty)
Anan
I go to my local mechanic. My car is eighteen years old and when I took it to the dealership they were always telling me it wasn’t worth fixing/ they couldn’t fix it, and that I should just trade it in for a new vehicle. Then I found a mechanic who also fixes up and sells used cars and he said that it was absolutely better for me to get the problem fixed than to try to buy a used car. And everything the dealer said couldn’t be fixed, he managed to fix.
Now my husband has a newer car and he is happy taking it to the dealership.
Wipers and headlights I change myself.
Anonymous
As a woman traveling alone, where if anywhere would you feel comfortable traveling in the Middle East? FWIW I’m Muslim but not Arab and I read/speak very basic Arabic; I have some sense of basic signs/what is being said in conversation but not like I can fluently navigate around an entire region in Arabic only. Have a love for fancy hotels too – which to me screams Dubai, but my ideal trip isn’t just fancy hotels and pools. It would be exploring history, architecture, and markets while using fancy hotel as my base to relax, eat meals etc. Any place where you’d feel safe as a woman jumping in an uber/ride share to go explore and then walk back into your hotel alone whenever you want and doing this for like a week? Or is this the type of trip that you really should only take with a tour group? DH is a hard no this trip but encourages me to go if I want though is pushing for a tour; other family/friends either just can’t go or just would not as DH. I am thinking of it like a business trip – any place to fly in easily and look around for 4-5 days and leave?
I know some people will say they’d never go to the Middle East ever alone or not; that’s fine but asking those who do think that area is appealing.
JTM
Dubai and Abu Dhabi have history and culture! In Dubai you can visit the Gold & Spice souks, and there’s also a cool museum near the Spice Souk that gives you a taste of what life was like in the UAE before the wealth boom – I really enjoyed that taste of history. In Abu Dhabi, I really loved visited the Grand Mosque, but my favorite stop was visiting the falcon hospital to learn about falconry. I even got to hold & feed a falcon! And now I secretly wish to be wealthy enough to own a falcon & have it travel first class with me (which is apparently a thing that happens in the UAE!
Curious
I felt very comfortable in Oman, though I mostly was with friends.
Curious
Conversely, I was in Tunisia pre Arab Spring, traveling solo to a group event, and I found it exceedingly uncomfortable. I got proposed to, cat called, leered at… It was not pleasant. Had not a whit of that experience in Oman (or incidentally in Jordan, but I was always accompanied by a man in Jordan, so I can’t speak to traveling alone).
Ellen
Rosa and I both got goosed in the market in Old Jerusalem, and we were with Dad. Evidently, the locals had not seen pretty American girls (we were maybe 14 and 10 respectively), and 2 guys put their hand under my tuchus and squeezed. I don’t know what they actually got out of it, but it was uncomfortable for me. FOOEY on them and the towels they had over their heads! DOUBEL FOOEY b/c Rosa was only 10! That is gross.
Anonymous
I don’t know if this is helpful, but my aunt and grandmother (Chinese, non-Muslim, both spoke fluent English tho) went to Jordan and Lebanon about 25 years ago and had no issues with using day guides recommended by their hotel instead of a week long tour group.
Anonymous
Was going to suggest the same . In many places in the Middle East and esp. if you are staying in the fancy hotels, the concierges can set you up with a day guide to go with you to the sites, markets etc. They either ride with you to the place or meet you there and tour with you. Not that you need one say for a major museum. But if you want to go to markets while people will haggle/only speak Arabic, ruins that are a bit out of the way so you’d be riding alone in a car with a driver for an hour, they can arrange a day guide who travels with you and obviously speaks the language (and these days takes IG pics for you too). And in a Muslim nation it is no problem to request a female; in fact I’m not sure they’d even arrange a male guide with a solo female traveler. I toured Oman and Abu Dhabi this way because I was on business trips and really wanted to look around but didn’t feel comfortable venturing out totally alone. Dubai – you don’t need this at all; it is a playground for the UK bankers and hence everyone speaks English and is used to foreigners even women solo.
Anon
I’ve been to both Egypt and Jordan (3 times), both in groups of 2-3 women. We got ourselves into some low-level sketchy situations, but more because we were cheap backpackers than because we were women. If I were going now as someone with the money to stay in a fancy hotel and take Ubers as needed, or even to hire a guide for a day trip, I think it would be great. Jordan is quite beautiful and has both history and natural beauty to explore.
Ellen
Those guys would NOT get away with that here in NY. But women unescorted in those places are fair game for the locals who take a chance and hope they can score big with American women, who supposedly have a reputation for wanting s-x from the locals. Personally, I found them gross and would never even want them to be near me, let alone have s-x with them. DISSSGUSSSTING!!!!!
NYCer
Realistically, I would probably only go to the Middle East with a private guide. Other than maybe Dubai or Abu Dhabi, but I still probably would not go to either place alone.
FWIW, my mother and I have travelled just the two of us to Morocco, Turkey and Jordan. I did not feel unsafe in any of those places as a woman, but we did have a male private guide in each place.
Anononon
I visited friends living in Dubai and went sightseeing by myself by day and met up with them at night for dinner. I felt very safe walking around Dubai. I am not Muslim, but wore a headscarf on some days (and am of an ethnicity that when wearing a headscarf I can pass for Muslim). Felt safe walking around on the non-headscarf days but the headscarf days were MAGICAL — no one bothered me, I got seats on the metro, got let into the special women-only areas of restaurants when I went for lunch, etc. Lots of interesting stuff to see in Dubai and Abu Dhabi (easy trip between). No data on nighttime safety since I was always (a) accompanied and (b) with locals.
If you are on BC, bring a copy of your prescription/letter from your doc and go through the airport security line manned by a woman. That was the only time I felt nervous, but my particular brand of very normal US birth control had an ingredient that was on the Dubai controlled substances list so, yeah.
Middle East Rec
Oman! Also most places in the Gulf (Doha, Abu Dhabi, Dubai, Bahrain). I lived in Oman as a single woman for 2 years and absolutely loved it. It is a stunning country with a ton of history and a lot to do, though I don’t recommend going in the summer due to the heat. Please note that most of the countries aren’t very walkable (i.e., there are very few sidewalks in Dubai), but very safe! I’ve frequently traveled around the Gulf solo and never had a single issue.
I’ve traveled around most of the Middle East and there is definitely a different comfort level as a solo female in the Gulf (where no one will touch you or even bump into you) versus my experiences in Jordan, Egypt and Morocco, where I was constantly grabbed or made to feel uncomfortable. I’d probably opt to do a tour in the Levant countries though you’d be fine in the Gulf.
Anonymous
I have grown up reading novels set in Baghdad, Damascus, Cairo, Petra and Marrakesh.
My fantasy self would love to explore these areas, going on an adventure on my own to see the places I’ve read about, admire and am fascinated by the history of and landscapes and climate.
My real self is regularly harassed at home by men born in these areas, and increasingly harassed whenever I go south of Rome in Europe. I don’t want to spend my time and money in a place where I am treated badly as a matter of course if I’m not traveling with a man. So for me it would be no trip. But I can’t blend in and can’t speak Arabic and I might reconsider if I had any chance of walking around anonymously and blending in, maybe you can? In your case, if you can, then that’s a different experience altogether. If I were to choose a country freely based on that premise, I’d go for Jordan, i think, and see Petra, at least partly in a tour group. I’d want the group to have somebody else to have to handle any hiccups and trouble.
I’d not do some places at any level of blending in – some places I am not willing to spend any money, because of basic human right’s issues.
Ness
Jordan was lovely and it has everything you are asking for. The same about Tunisia (although is North Africa no ME). I was travelling in a group in Jordan but comparing this trip with my others to Morocco or Egypt I felt it was easier for a woman to move around in Jordan. In Tunisia although it was a work trip I could go everywhere in my own and it seemed the most wester like of all of them.
Anonymous
Oman. I loved it.
Or you could go with Martin Randall Travel (https://www.martinrandall.com) whom I can strongly recommend.
Jane
Advice for differentiating between assertiveness and aggression? I am usually a very passive person, and am trying to get more assertive. However, I worry sometimes that I overcorrect and wind up escalating things. It seems like sometimes standing up for yourself (like saying “I feel this way about ___” or “here is the context that makes me feel this is unfair”) can still be very activating for people, especially if you give details to justify your feelings. I am not sure if the issue is me going overboard in explaining my side of things, or if folks just generally don’t always respond well to any type of conflict.
How do you guys differentiate and/or stand up for yourself without going overboard?
Curious
People respond as much or more to tone as to words. I find that using a boring or cheerful tone when I say something controversial gets me pretty far. It’s also useful to acknowledge that you might be saying something that will get people’s hackles up. My husband, king of excessive diplomacy, likes to say “I don’t know a nice way to say this” and then wait for the person to ask what it is.
Curious
Oh, and yeah, don’t over explain. Let people ask why if they want to know.
Curious
Replying to myself again: I failed to say good for you for trying this out. Conflict is uncomfortable, and women are trained to keep our mouths shut. You will experience resistance sometimes just because people aren’t used to you (or someone of your rank, gender, whatever) speaking up, or because you say something uncomfortable. Sometimes it’s a matter of choosing your timing and tone, and sometimes… They just need to get used to it. You’ll learn with practice which is which, and I think it’s a lifelong endeavor to perfect that. Keep up the good work!
Curious
Longer additional reply in mod, but the gist is: good for you!
Clara
Agree completely with what Curious said about tone. I think that as long as you’re polite, in the way that Emily Post and your grandma would define it, you don’t have to worry about being to aggressive. It’s not rude to say, as I just said in a meeting “I think that that format is overwhelming and we should not do it that way. We should do something like X instead – what do you think?”. I just try and remember to be unfailingly polite, but don’t worry beyond that.
Anan
Someone here recommended the Squiggly Careers podcast last week and they have a very good episode on being assertive… I found it very helpful.
Anonymous
Is this at work or in your personal life? I think the language you shared would be a bit off putting at work and invite some defensiveness.
I generally don’t use the word “feel” at work because it indicates emotion which is usually not what my work is about. Instead of saying “I feel this way about ___” i would say “I think ___” or “I recommend __” or whatever the right thing is.
Similarly, referring to something as “unfair” at work also seems to invite emotion/defensiveness from the other person. I would instead say something like “This disproportionately impacts ___ because of ___. What are your thoughts there? What would you recommend?”
Nesprin
It’s also worth considering that different people will read the same tone very differently, and women are often accused of being aggressive when they’re being almost comically minorly assertive. If the issue is that people are claiming you’re being aggressive when you’re being politely assertive, those people are being jerks.
Curious
Agree wholeheartedly.
Anon
I just wanted to post in memory of the aunt I never met, who pre-Roe found herself pregnant at 17 and jumped off a bridge to end her life. She was in South Carolina.
Rest In Peace, Aunt M.
JCH
I learned while researching my family’s genealogy that my great grandmother’s death certificate listed her death in 1931 as “abortion, self-induced.” Further research revealed that her cause of death was not unique. She was in St. Louis.
LaurenB
I am a genealogist. I have come across plenty of death certs with cause of death of “septicemia for self-induced abortion.” I also grew up knowing that my grandmother had a cousin (born in 1914 or so) who had multiple abortions way back when.
anon
Jeebus. I hate that your family experienced that, and I hate that this is the future for my daughter’s generation.
Anonymous
No it isn’t. Given that you are probably posting here while working an office job and not while you stock shelves at Target, your daughter will fly to wherever she needs if the need arises and you will pay for it if she can’t. Because like hangs with like, same is very likely true for all her friends and classmates. And for all the less privileged out there, I think there is much more light on this issue this time and not the same stigma of unwed mothers or pregnant in college or whatever, so I feel like there will be a lot more donation funding available to get women where they need to get to for procedures/recovery. I mean $12 million has been raised in small dollar donations since Monday night. This isn’t like the 1960s where the pregnant woman was really on her own.
Monday
You seem weirdly confident that donation money is going to ensure access to abortion for poor people.
I can’t think of any other instance when private donations have ensured access to a critical medical service (nationally and indefinitely at that). And that is setting aside controversy and potential liability!
Anonymous
Because people don’t routinely donate to individual healthcare causes. That’s not a funding source we really have because Medicare, Medicaid, and private insurance exist and when people fall through the cracks of those three things, they’re out of luck in the US and stuck in medical debt. Here the donations are specifically for travel, hotel, logistics with the goal of swooping the person to a blue state where PP takes care of the issue for free (and PP donations expanding will allow them to provide more services in certain states though likely they can also divert funding from states where their org likely just won’t have abortion business though I realize they provide all types of well care).
Monday
I don’t understand where this is going, 3:38. Are you saying that losing a legal right just isn’t a problem if people donate to related causes?
Anonymous
No it’s still bad. Just saying it’s not 1950s bad because the – no one will help the pregnant girl/she’s on her own – stigma is not there. No I’m not saying it’ll be perfect, but I also don’t think it’s as bad now as it was 50+ years ago because societal attitudes have shifted.
Monday
“Societal attitudes” and private money do not protect against repressive laws (or authoritarian government).
Anonymous
Ok fine guys – sky is falling. Happy?
Anonymous
And when I have an ectopic pregnancy that requires emergency treatment, how exactly am I supposed to drag myself through an airport, or drive myself many hours, to get somewhere I can obtain lifesaving medical care?
Anon
Which states prohibit treatment of ectopic pregnancies?
Anonymous
The 17 year old on the bridge was very likely not having an ectopic and was very likely going to be unable to handle a normal pregnancy and raising the child. I mean the concerns for the age 35+ crowd on this issue are often very different than the age 18 crowd. Cue the person who’ll scream they had an ectopic at age 20. But realistically a lot of the problems regarding miscarriages that won’t complete/child has major development issues happen a bit later in life.
Anon
I don’t understand Anonymous 3:35, please explain. Are you saying that since she was most likely not encountering a life threatening situation, the 17 year old could/should have continued her pregnancy? As it happened, the situation was indeed life threatening since she ended her life.
Anonymous
So you think the 17-year-old on the bridge is going to have the wherewithal to find a charity that will transport her across state lines, probably against state law, to have an abortion? She is not even likely to know that such an option exists.
Anonymous
Because it isn’t 1820, the 17 year old has an iphone. If she is getting busy and is in a red state, she absolutely should have some awareness of what orgs out there could help her should something go wrong and she end up with pregnant. She can certainly plan out these things before getting to the bridge is ever an option. Frankly I feel like all women in certain states should be making some kind of plan and tucking some money away just in case. But when I said that IRL I got my head ripped off about THEY SHOULDN’T HAVE TO. I agree they SHOULDN’T but this is where were are at the moment so you have to play the hand you’re dealt and it’s much easier to have some sense of where you turn just on the off chance the need arises.
Anon
So, the 17 year old in your scenario has the maturity and life skills to “make a plan” to travel all the way out of state (possibly across several states, as no state bordering mine will have access) to do something that is illegal and that she has been indoctrinated to believe will send her straight to hell forever. Knowing that if her family finds out, there is a real possibility they will never speak to her again. Or maybe the 17 year old has been abused by someone close to her or in her household? Grown women have a difficult time marshaling resources and doing anything safely under the radar in those circumstances.
But anyway, the fact that a 17 year old in a red state could just have a whole ass savings account (??) and underground plan to make this all happen definitely means that the upcoming decision is NBD.
Anonymous
This is such an ignorant comment. So many women will not access abortions after Roe falls, no matter how much money is raised (because of having to take time off of work, sneak away from abusive partners, lacking childcare to go on a three day road trip to get an abortion). And this WILL impact our daughter’s generation, even if the daughter in question has the means to get her own abortion. But that’s no guarantee either because this decision will be the starting point, not the end point, of the erosion of reproductive rights.
Anonymous
I’m not saying it isn’t bad. I’m just saying it isn’t AS bad as it was 50+ years ago as the help is out there more now than it was back then.
Amy
+1 not to mention lifesaving care or even routine medical care. It does me no good to cross state lines and get an abortion, or treatment for a miscarriage or non-viable pregnancy, in a blue state if my doctor can’t or won’t even discuss with me the full range of reproductive healthcare options because some of them are illegal in the state we are having the conversation.
Anon
I’m glad you feel like this scenario won’t happen. Lots of people felt like Roe would never get overturned if they voted for someone other than Clinton in 2016. So, anyway, your feelings about the situation and what might happen exist and you’re allowed them, but just because you feel something doesn’t make it so. Not sure if you’re writing from a place where abortion will soon be illegal, and it will also be illegal to cross state lines to get one. If not, please don’t speculate about whether women in those states will have access and what kind of access they will have.
Anon
Just because the stigma is less in some places also doesn’t make this scenario unbelievable today. Women who are in abusive situations might be driven to such drastic ends if they can’t terminate. And by the way, I grew up in an area (not that long ago!) where there WAS a huge stigma and you WERE expected to get married and settle down in a little house on your parents’ land if you got pregnant as a teenager. It’s probably less common now, but it exists.
It’s getting very irritating when people in blue states or people who don’t see this as a big deal are telling those of us who are scared for good reason “not to worry.”
Anonymous
Then move? If you are SO worried. And BTW I’m in a red state.
Anon
Found the man commenting.
Anon
Anonymous @ 4:17– Thank you for that useful advice that I never could have come up with.
If you know any people who aren’t just like you, it shouldn’t be hard to understand that this reversal will have devastating effects and people will literally die. If you don’t have empathy for that, or for people who feel sad or scared, then nothing anyone on this thread says will make a difference.
The comments that started this diversion (I don’t know if they’re yours) were in response to posters who are talking about real women and men in their actual families who actually died. Whether or not you feel like anything particular will happen in the future, it’s very unkind to invalidate those posters’ lived experiences by telling them this isn’t going to be so bad this time around.
Anon
Thanks Anon at 4:32. I posted about my aunt. I do feel a bit offended and am certainly convinced 4:17 is an un-empathetic a-hole (as are a couple of others on this thread.)
anon
Anon, nobody here is going to be willing to admit that this is anything less than the express train to The Handmaid’s Tale. The catastrophizing on this board over what comes next is next-level.
FWIW, my unplanned pregnancy is entering elementary school and I can testify first-hand to the fact that the stigma I faced was absolutely nothing compared to the stigma associated with unwed motherhood pre-Roe. I feel like I got more side-eye for not aborting than I did for being pregnant in the first place, if I’m honest. By which I mean, I actually had people judgementally press me for an explanation of why I continued my pregnancy when I could have “taken care of it.” All of them nice, liberal people, for what it’s worth.
Anonymous
+1. The catastrophizing on this board generally is next level. And while yesterday’s OP got skewered I will never believe that there isn’t a percentage of liberal women who don’t view abortion/Plan B as an option to “just take care of it” if it isn’t 100% convenient to their lives to have a kid.
Anon
I’m really sorry that happened to you during your pregnancy. Women should have the right to choose to carry their pregnancies as well, of course, and there shouldn’t be judgment either way.
As for the “catastrophizing,” there are actual laws being introduced or drafted that make abortions illegal in the case of ectopic pregnancy and there are actual bills at least being drafted that would make certain types of birth control illegal if Roe is overturned. Here’s just one example: https://www.bostonglobe.com/2022/03/17/nation/missouri-abortion-bill-is-drawing-pushback-over-its-inclusion-ectopic-pregnancies-its-one-many-aggressive-anti-abortion-measures-under-consideration/
It’s ok in the immediate aftermath of this news for women to feel anxious, scared, or angry. Saying people are just catastrophizing is minimizing the real fear and sadness over a potentially huge shift in our society.
Anonymous
Anon at 4:46 … you *do* know that abortion and Plan B are not the same thing, right? Not even a little bit. Plan B is hormonal birth control. And yes, a lot of women in the world (and on this board) take hormonal birth control when they’re sexually active and they don’t want to have a child. I’m not sure why that seems to be an issue for you?
Anonymous
I feel like all the conservatives are just switching from “they’ll never repeal roe” to “it’s no big deal.”
Anon
It’s like some Republican version of the Narcissist’s prayer:
That didn’t happen.
And if it did, it wasn’t that bad.
And if it was, that’s not a big deal.
And if it is, that’s not my fault.
And if it was, I didn’t mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.
Anonymous
Look, if you want a gut check about all of this, do some looking around in the cancer community (AYA – adolescent and young adult specifically) over the last two days. The number of women who are diagnosed with cancer concurrently with a pregnancy is shocking. And not just in reproductive cancer. And while some are able to maintain the pregnancy, most are not or choose not to. The idea that this is limited or abrogated completely now is beyond sickening.
Curious
My cancer started when I was pregnant but was diagnosed past partum. Another woman with the same kind started chemo the days after giving birth. Another’s baby didn’t survive. There but for the grace of God …
Anon
Have you actually ever tried to get an abortion? I’m a deep blue state, today, it actually ain’t that easy. It will be even harder absorbing the demand from out of state. The “you can just fly somewhere” argument is really ill conceived.
Seventh Sister
I can’t stop thinking about the movie Vera Drake. It’s from 2004 and probably streaming somewhere. Imelda Staunton is a 1950s working-class woman in England who is a part-time maid in a fancy townhouse and the friendly neighborhood abortionist. The class differences are stark – the rich girl goes to a private clinic for a “procedure” while the poor women have to rely on this underground network. That’s where we are headed, and I don’t see much that will change that trajectory.
anon
I don’t know that people in general have grasped just how many more women are going to die due to pregnancy or pregnancy related health issues, starting after the retraction of Roe is finalized. I’m guessing the death cult and religious nuts strangling this country are not going to change their minds on this. No amount of money raised is going to help all the people that will need help. I don’t know that people in general have fully realized how much this will impact women’s ability to work and otherwise live their lives and pursue their goals. I don’t think I’ve wrapped my head around the full implications of this impending removal of my rights.
I’ve donated and been donating more this week, but it feels like bringing a rock to a g*n fight. I know it’s important to keep supporting these organizations but it’s not going to be a solution everyone can use, no matter how much harder the organizations work.
LaurenB
Lawyers – suppose I’m in a red state. Will GoFundMes for travel to a blue state be legal?
Anonymous
My great aunt got pregnant via her high school boyfriend. He found out, shot her, then himself. My grandfather found the bodies in the car in the driveway at age, like, 11.
1940s, not urban PA.
Anon
I am so, so sorry.
Anon NC
I just want to point out that in states that are going to make abortion illegal, it is ALREADY practically impossible for that 17-year old girl to have an abortion unless she has family support. Half of my family lives in the rural south. There are no clinics in the County, or the next County over. The nearest is a single PP location 2 hours away (and getting inside requires walking a gauntlet). The next closest is 4 hours away. And that does not even take into account the “counseling” she would have to undergo at least 72 hours in advance and the need for parental consent.
Don’t get me wrong; overturning Roe is horrible and the stated reasons even worse. But y’all are acting like abortion is currently available for minors and poor women and that is just not true in many, many places already. And while those places tend to have dramatically higher teen pregnancy rates (although whether that is because of lack of access to abortion, lack of access to BC information, or strong anti-abortion sentiment is hard to tell), there is no correlation between suicide rates and abortion access.
Also, for all the talk about non-viable pregnancies and pregnancies where there is an immediate risk to the woman’s health – would you be happy with a law that had exceptions for those, rape, and incest but nothing else? I very much doubt it. The argument is not that a women with a missed miscarriage should be able to have a D&C. It is that a women who is 12 weeks pregnant and does not want to be should be able to have a safe and legal abortion.
Anon
Does anyone have a carry-on they love? I had an Away bag that was destroyed by an airline. The airline is reimbursing me, but I don’t think I want to replace the Away bag. I didn’t use the charging feature and I don’t like how the bag is set up with two separate halves – it felt like it had less capacity than same size bags without the separate compartments. I do really like the spinner wheels that allow you to push it in front of you or to the side. I’m currently using my 4 year old’s $50 Target spinner suitcase which is honestly fine, but I’m interested in other recommendations.
Go for it
Lipault spinner
Anonymous
Travel Pro
Anon
How many pairs of leggings is too many? To be fair, I live in an area with 10 seasons so need some flocked / fleece lined pairs for the cold months. Two years of sporadic WFH has made this very blurry. Also, I used to go to the gym and want to return for days I go to the office (where the gym is). I now have the pandemic puppy, so have a greater need for activewear.
Maybe I should rephrase as “how many pairs of BLACK leggings is too many”? But you get the idea. I don’t even know who I am some days, much like why I have the costume department for 5 very different lives (work, fancy events, sports, date nights, sloth).
Anon
As many as you want. Why does it matter what others think? There was a time I had close to 20 black skirts. There were reasons.
PolyD
Right? I never understand the How many are too many questions. Everyone has their own life and different needs. I used to have basically no outside exercise clothes because I worked out at a gym and run hot, so all I really had pre-pandemic were shorts and sleeveless tops and maybe a couple of pairs of sweatpants to wear to and from the gym. During the pandemic, I switched to walking outside, so I bought some longer leggings and tops with sleeves.
I would say “too many” is when you can’t keep track of your clothes and have piles all over the house because you have too many for your bedroom. Like when you are in “clothes lasagna” territory, a la Hoarders.
Anon
The limit does not exist.
pugsnbourbon
Beat me to it
Anon
Yes this. I just ordered another 6-pack of leggings from Old Navy today. Why? Because I need more leggings. Why? Because when do I NOT need more leggings?
Cat
team no limit. sometimes you want structure and compression. other times softness and comfort. sometimes breathability. sometimes warmth. sometimes extra style like a mesh panel. …..
Anonymous
at last count I was up to 10 black leggings for various types of activities, which doesn’t count my leggings of other colors so… what do you mean there’s a thing such as too many? ;)
Anonymous
I have way more than five separate wardrobes, with different seasons for most:
Business casual for the occasional times I am called into the office
Business formal for meetings
WFH
Cute casual for going places where there are other humans
Date night
Cocktail/theatre/symphony/ballet, left over from the Before Times
Black tie, from the Before Times
Weddings, from the Before Times
Church
Bridal shower/baby shower/brunch with in-laws at their country club (fancier than church)
Concert black
Workout (with subcategories for various sports/workouts/ballet/yoga/etc.)
Hiking/camping
Grubby clothes
Loungewear
To cover the same occasions, my husband has:
Jeans outfits
Khakis outfits with/without sportcoat
Suits
Tuxedo
Workout clothes
Grubby clothes
Anonymous
Wondering if the hive can give me ballpark estimates on home reno. Townhouse – built in the late 90s/early 2000s in N. Va. 1800-2000 sqft. That usual DC metro area TH construction – sort of long and narrow footprint compared to a SFH. How much would you expect to spend – very roughly on:
Changing out the carpeting – only carpet is in faamily room + upstairs in the 3 bedrooms + hallway upstairs which is pretty short + stairs themselves. [IDK if I’d keep the stair carpet.] Obviously hard to ballpark but assume I’d pick some middle of the road carpeting option – not the most expensive plush stuff out there, nor the cheapest stuff they use in offices – but like a nice medium beige berber type thing that holds up for daily wear.
Gut renovating a master bath – new floor; new toilet; new sink/counter/cabinets – assume two sinks; mirrors; take out the soaking tub altogether and NOT replace it; and take out shower stall and put in a new hopefully bigger all glass one with tile on the shower floor and running up the wall. Overall this is a decent sized bathroom but not huge like you’d find in a 4000 sqft home. Assume all fixtures/flooring chosen are middle of the road choices.
Gut renovating regular bathroom – smaller than MB; new toilet; new sink/counter/cabinets – just one sink; mirrors; take out shower stall and replace though not necessarily a bigger one – just one that’s more modern with the tiling; floors. Again middle of the road choices.
Putting in recessed/canned lights in family room – IDK how they charge for this? Is it per light? Assume it’s more if there is no light there and they have to cut the hole/run wire, as opposed to just changing out fixtures you don’t like?
Switching out outlets – the outlets work fine so this is just cosmetic to get outlet plates that are new, not scuffed, modern looking. Again is the charge per plate?
Just trying to figure out what my housing budget is for real as I look at homes that are in decent condition but I’d want to modernize to make them my own.
Anonymous
You can change outlet plates yourself for next to nothing. Or do you mean you want the actual receptacles replaced?
Anon
I don’t think we’re in a phase where cost estimates for this kind of thing mean anything. Too much going on with labor and materials shortages and inflation.
Cat
I would expect what you describe to be somewhere in the high 5 figure range total, depending on your material selections and if you’re moving any plumbing rough-ins. My parents in a similar area spent $80K on redoing their primary bathroom in a larger house (though this included moving non-load-bearing walls, and moving some but not all of the plumbing). Obviously it’s more expensive if you’re roughing in new electric / moving any plumbing around.
Outlets are an easy DIY (even replacing the actual socket) – new ones are inexpensive and readily available at big box stores.
anon
I was quoted $2,500 back in November to carpet two bedrooms (one tiny, one decent sized) and a set of stairs. Roughly 450 sq ft all together. Ended up going with laminate plank flooring that DH and I installed ourselves for less than half the price.
FormerlyPhilly
My sibling in Silver Spring MD just gut renovated one bathroom and it was 20k. Went down to the studs, didn’t move plumbing or electrical. And used middle of the road choices which they purchased themselves and had ready to go. In my area (northwest NJ outside of NYC) it costs 15k minimum to work on a bathroom.
She’s doing recessed lighting (4 of them) in family room and it will be 2k for electrician, and excludes patching or any related issues with painting.
The switching outlets will be a flat/hourly fee if you use a handyman/handyperson. At least that is what my trusted handyman charges.
Anonymous
I was quoted $50K for a full master bathroom gut in Nashville in 2021. I’m sure it would be higher today.
Anonymous
I’d venture to guess your master in Nashville is way bigger than my TH master in the DC area though.
OP a slowdown is looming and maybe even a recession and these services roll over hard. When people are paying 6% interest rates to buy, they’ll often live with their carpeting as is for a while. And others have burned through all their stimulus money on home reno and are now paying through the nose for travel this summer – try to wait a few months on things that aren’t crucial and you’re guaranteed better contractor rates this fall. (And for those who’ll say I’m just chicken little and don’t get supply chain issues etc, I work full time in finance forecasting growth and recession indicators.)
Cornellian
That’s been my prediction as well, glad to hear it from someone in the field!
Anonymous
You’re starting to see the signs if you look – mattress sales down 10%, furniture sales down 20%. Usually home renovation isn’t too far behind when this starts.
Anonymous
New carpet- a few thousand. Figure $3-5sq ft installed. You can get exact ballparks just by calling any carpet place.
Bathrooms- ugh. You can’t do a basic family bathroom reno where I live for under $25k. Any kind of moving anything has you up into the 30s and easily 50. It’s more labor than materials driving this.
Anonymous
Oh and for the lights you need an electrician, the lights, and someone to put the ceiling back. When we did our addition it was $200-300/light and that was not including drywall or paint.
Peloton
Seattle renovation last year. Did some of this. Our actual costs were:
Carpet – Extremely low cost option for us (not the permanent solution, just getting rid of the cat-stained stuff from the prior owner) was about $8k installed. I think we probably had more carpet than you.
Master bath – We didn’t execute on this but were quoted about $50k for a similar reno with high-end features. Ours would have involved moving plumbing and electric, though, and resituating a window, so YMMV. If you’re going moderate and not moving things around, probably $30k is more reasonable. Very dependent on size of bathroom also.
Gut renovating regular bathroom – Can’t tell if you’re replacing flooring or not, but we were around $10k-15k on this.
Putting in recessed/canned lights in family room – Did not do this, so cannot help!
Switching out outlets – if it’s just the plates, you can do this yourself. If it were the outlets themselves, hiring an electrician to do literally every outlet in our house was $1100, and included fixing a few outlets that were wired wonky (not properly grounded, etc.)
Peloton
FWIW, new outlet covers (just the covers) were like $1.10/ea at my Home Depot. We were going from fun 80s cream outlets to white ones so had to actually have an electrician come through and do the work because we needed to touch the wiring. (I do want to emphasize that they did more than just the swap–they also tested every outlet and fixed the ones the prior owner had DIYed).
Anonymous
Just a comment – In our house with two and half bathrooms, when we were doing a renovation the architect advised us to replace the old tub with a smaller one under a shower rather than getting rid of it. He felt that where possible there should be one bathtub in a house (for soaking feet, for small children etc.) for re-sale purposes.
Anon
Any recs on a travel agent focused on South Africa/safari? I started working with one and just ran the prices for various places myself and the costs were consistently $5k lower if we just book everything on our own….from what I’ve read it should be relatively comparable pricing wise, so this feels steep. Open to shopping around, or if anyone has done it all on their own and had a positive experience would love to hear as well! FWIW we’re planning 3 nights in Cape Town, 2 nights in Winelands (leaning toward Stellenbosch as we like more of a lively feel vs picturesque/touristy), and 4 nights on safari (we’ve been steered toward Sabi Sands – looking at Kirkman’s or splurging on Dulini…).
Anon
I’ve never been to Africa, but I have experience using travel agents. I would be upfront with them that you’re finding cheaper prices online independently. They should either be able to point out what the difference is (e.g., your independent searches have returned a package with a bunch of exclusions that you’ll have to pay for a la carte) or explain to you why they think their services are worth it, and if you aren’t satisfied with that explanation you can book independently or find a new travel agent. Like I said, I don’t have experience with Africa specifically but normally using a travel agent (especially for hotels) should not cost a whole lot of money. I’ve booked some very expensive trips with travel agents for less than $200. I would never pay $5k for one.
anon
10 years ago we used go2africa to plan our trip and they were amazing. They came recommended, and I’ve recommended them several times to others who have also had wonderful experiences. I’d check them if you haven’t already. I agree that you can always ask about the value they are adding. When we went we had friends who booked the trip on their own and it was only slightly cheaper, but their trip was not as seamless as ours was, so it was definitely worth it to me!
Anonymous
Anyone buy anything from rent the runway? I purchased a dress there years ago and it came with a broken zipper and stained hem. I emailed and they said as is. Not sure if it would be lighter wear given the pandemic or if I should not risk it.
Anon
I would push back again. “as is” is fine if they disclose the defects, but you had no way to determine them yourself given that you bought it online. I’d escalate and report to your credit card issuer.
Anon
This is over the top. I mean, what do you expect from RTR clothes anyway?
Anonymous
Interesting! I’ve been an avid RTR user for years and have never had an issue with the clothing I’ve rented – like I’ve never had something come broken, stained, etc.
I usually buy items that I already have at home though rather than via the sale on their site. The inventory they sell off is usually older and likely has more wear and tear. So an option might be to rent an item you are interested in and then purchase it.
Anonymous
I would not assume light wear with RTR. I’ve been renting for the last couple of months and have quality issues every single time, including items arriving stained and missing buttons and snaps. Recently they sent me a shirt that was supposed to be a white shirt, but they must’ve laundered it with something red and turned it bright pink.
bellatrix
How would you react to “share a personal win and professional from the week” as a weekly meeting icebreaker, and what generation are you? I don’t mind it in theory — I am not very private and I’ll share my life with you if I know you long enough — but having to come up with a new win every.single.week is painful. Some weeks there are no wins! Just treading water! But there is no option to pass, so I have to come up with things like “I tried a new recipe for dinner and my picky kid ate it!” which makes me feel ridiculous.
My company (digital marketing) is pretty young — as a late Gen Xer I’m probably in the top 2% age-wise. My husband (same age, roughly) insists this is why the icebreaker is in play, because millennials/Gen Z are way more into self-promotion than Gen X. Which is possible, but I think it’s also just that this is a dumb idea and my team lead (younger than me) doesn’t have any better ideas.
Vicky Austin
My miscellany of thoughts on this:
-“I tried a new recipe for dinner and my picky kid ate it” is not ridiculous, and further it’s probably exactly what they’re looking for.
-Saying “I survived” as your win should be an acceptable way of saying, “Not sharing any more today, thanks.” Sort of a get-out-of-jail-free card?
-What about a personal OR professional win? Pick one, share it, switch back and forth as relevant.
Youngish millennial.
Anon
I generally think it’s a little silly at the outset, but I ultimately enjoy getting to know my coworkers a bit.
I would honestly come up with something generic to say when you can’t think of anything else, whether it was really true or not. “I enjoyed the beautiful weather!” “I tried a new recipe and it was great!” “I found $5 on the ground!””I enjoyed the show I’ve been watching!” Then just repeat on a loop.
Cornellian
Middle-aged millennial and I would not love that game, nor have I ever heard of it being played, ha. I think you’re right that the team lead may not have any better ideas.
Anyway, I hate giving this advice, but I would maybe not make my kid (and I have one plus a fetus, ha) the center of every personal story. Maybe “I ran a 5K for the first time” or “I finished a book/tv series I’ve been working on” or something that emphasizes some other aspect of your life. I’d fudge personal wins without a dirty conscience, whether or not you actually ran a 5K that week.
bellatrix
That is a fair point. Right now I am feeling too overwhelmed by work to run a 5K/finish a book worth mentioning/etc. (and I have zero poker face), so kid stuff is easy because it’s happening no matter what. But frequently I do manage to have something non-kid related (this week: I got spring plants out).
Mostly I just resent the fact that I have to put this much thought into it. Several of us have lodged very mild protests, along the lines of “oh wow, it’s kind of a challenge to think of these each week,” but no luck.
Anonymous
I would just pick a stupid win and move on, talk about a good thrift find or something else mundane. I’m very private but I could pretty easily put together something inoffensive to discuss. However I think it’s dumb too.
Anonymous
Xennial here. I would not play. My response would probably be “no, thank you” in the actual setting, and then I’d let the responsible person know, in private, that this is an unacceptable way to handle work meetings.
Anonymous
Wait, what? How is that even appropriate in the workplace to simply not participate? This type of ice breaker/activity is not inappropriate.
Anon
Oh girl, you gonna need to grow up. This is corporate life. Just play the game, it’s lighthearted not therapy.
Anon
“because millennials/Gen Z are way more into self-promotion than Gen X”
This is ridiculous.
bellatrix
Hey, listen, I love it when my husband turns out to be wrong. But all I have to go on is myself (extremely NOT into self-promotion). Can you say more about why it’s ridiculous?
Anon
I’m not the Anon from above, but I’m a millennial and am not into this icebreaker at all. I think what’s ridiculous about your husband’s comment is the broad generalization. Even if it’s accurate (not sure it is), people are individuals and you can’t paint an entire generation with such a broad brush and use that as a reason for everyone to participate in an icebreaker.
Anon
I will tell you about a team offsite event I went to. They wanted us to be prepared to tell a personal story about an event that changed us forever. I was hesitant to do it – if I were really going to share, it would be about losing my three year old child to cancer, and menu people in attendance already knew that about me – but I didn’t really want me. So I went much lighter and talked very briefly about how the 2008 recession affected me and my family. My boss started off talking about his own cancer experience, so my experience would not have been too far off the mark, but I felt protective of that part of my life.
So I will say my “lighter” level of sharing went over fine. The person who stood out was the guy who sat next to me with his arms crossed over his chest and kept muttering “I’m not doing this. It’s none of their business.” He may have been right, but he also looked like an ass, and he was no longer working there within 6 months of that meeting.
Anonymous
I am a geriatric millennial and also think it’s tedious. Could you suggest a list of different icebreakers so it’s not the exact same thing every week? Like:
– What is bringing you joy today?
– What is one choice you’ve made for your wellbeing this week?
– What’s the best thing you read this week?
– What’s the best thing you ate this weekend?
– What’s one piece of good advice you’ve heard lately?
Senior Attorney
These are good. Also “what made you laugh today?”
Anon
I was at an office as a student that read out anonymous good thing notes and bad thing notes at the start of meetings. It was opt-in and anonymous so it seemed inoffensive to me, and it wasn’t “positives only.” However again there were student staff, so it wasn’t a big deal for it to seem goofy or childish.
Anon
I’m a geriatric millennial (38). I would hate it, but I’m pathologically private and basically never ever talk about my personal life at work except in response to a direct question.
I think “I tried a new recipe for dinner and my picky kid ate it” is a fine response, or if you don’t want to be quite that specific about your kid’s picky eating you could just say “I tried a new recipe for dinner and it was a hit with the entire family!” or something like that.
Cat
All the eyerolls, Old Millennial.
Peloton
Hmm, I don’t think this is a dumb idea. Just…say something good that happened this week. “I saw four dogs today” is a valid answer for the personal. It doesn’t have to be actually personal.
I do like the idea of mixing it up, though. Maybe you could quietly suggest to your team lead that you’d love a variety of prompts because you think it’ll get people’s creative juices flowing for the meeting? We recently had someone ask “if you played baseball, what would your walkup song be?” and I thought that was great.
Anon
Why do they even need a weekly icebreaker? Don’t people know each other yet? Does conversation not naturally take place without such forced shenanigans?
I would come up with stupid responses and would state them as such: “since a stupid question deserves a stupid answer, this week’s win is that most of my socks found their mates during this week’s laundry.” Next week? “Inane questions merit inane replies: no one ran out of TP in my house.”
Peloton
I swear some posters on here just want the OPs to get fired, haha.
Anon
Yeah I think this icebreaker is totally dumb but I can’t imagine responding this way. Is the goal to make everyone hate you? Although I will say that if you deleted the hostile preface about stupid questions deserving stupid answers, “All the socks found their mates during this week’s laundry” is a fine tongue-in-cheek response and would get a laugh in my workplace. That IS a win.
Anon
Whoever suggested this “icebreaker” should hear that expecting people to have not one, but two wins each week may feel like pressuring. Honestly, life is tough, you have good weeks and bad weeks and meh weeks. The idea that you HAVE to hustle and win and try all the time hard to achieve yet another milestone to just justify your place in earth is…. Cringe.
It is the same when you say you have a hobby and people immediately start asking how good you are, whether you make loads of money from it etc. We are entitled to not win each time, to do things just because we like them and not because we are the best in them.
I get that there might be a way to learn more about your colleagues this way, but even easy rephrasing to “what made you smile last week” is less pressuring.
I would speak up.
Senior Attorney
“My personal win is that I found my lost sunglasses. My professional win is that I came up with a personal win for this exercise.”
Anonymous
I’m a millennial and I would find it annoying to the point of excruciating to go through this for every single person on the meeting. It must be so time consuming. I would like it more if they picked one person per week to share. It’s assigned ahead of time but you can swap with someone else if you want to.