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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
Did you ever see the episode of Friends where they talk about the various categories of Monica’s towels? (There are 11, in total.) That’s how I am with T-shirts – a dozen different categories and a tee for every occasion!
The square neckline and fitted silhouette on this cotton-blend tee from Vince brings this firmly into the “fancy” category, meaning that I would be comfortable wearing it to work, even in a formal office. For a business formal look, I would wear this with a pendant necklace, white blazer, and black trousers.
The top is $49.97 at Nordstrom Rack and comes in sizes XXS–XL. It also comes in off-white.
This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!
Sales of note for 8.30.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off full-price purchase; $99 jackets, dresses & shoes; extra 50% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Final Days Designer Sale, up to 75% off; extra 20% off sale
- Boden – 20% off
- Brooks Brothers – Extra 25% off clearance
- Eloquii – Up to 60% off everything; extra 60% off all sale
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide; extra 60% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – Extra 20% off orders $125+; extra 60% off clearance; 60%-70% off 100s of styles
- Lo & Sons – Summer sale, up to 50% off (ends 9/2)
- Madewell – Extra 40% off sale; extra 50% off select denim; 25% off fall essentials
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Rothy's – End of season sale, up to 50% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear in the big sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 25% off regular-price purchase; 70% off clearance
- White House Black Market – Up to 70% off sale
Shelle
Loved the color of Duchess Kate’s dress by Edeline Lee. Very flattering on her. Happy Friday!
Anonymous
Agree! I love that color!
Anonymous
I wasn’t familiar with that designer at all before but she has gorgeous pieces.
Anone
Gorg!
Senior Attorney
Yes, that one is five stars!!
Payal
I thought the color was lovely but the long fussy drawstrings on the sleevesand peculiar double buckle belt ruined it. This is a woman who is built for a tailored sheath.
Shelle
Agreed, the fussy details are a little wonky looking and detract from it.
thirdjen
This is one of those shirts that I look at on the model, mentally fill in where my cleavage would be, and then buy for date/girls’ night, not for work. It’s very cute but not work appropriate for me.
Monday
The neckline is also so wide that I suspect my bra straps would show.
Cat
Same – plus, deep, wide necklines like this one will droop at the slightest bend forward. Def an evening tee rather than work!
Anonymous
+1.
AnonATL
Yep. Bosom and bra strap showing on my body. I’d wear for date night though
Anon
Right—my first thought was that this shows way too much skin (and on me, that would include cleavage) for office wear. Even for those who don’t have the cleavage concern, I think it is too bare for most professional situations.
NYNY
Pretty sure it would show underboob on me! That neckline needs to be 3-4 inches higher for my body.
pugsnbourbon
I would also be FREEZING
Ellen
I agree 100%. Moreover, this tee is not all that fruegal, even tho it is coming from the Rack, and it’s also probably best for women who are fairly flat chested and can go without a bra at all, because all bra straps would clearly show.
While I am sure the manageing partner would love for me to buy this and wear it @ work, I am no longer interested in revealing the top of my boobies and tittelating men interested merely in my anatomy, which in any event is hardly as taught upstairs as it was in my early 20’s. I remember back longlingly at the days when I could actually go braless and get away with it! FOOEY!
Anonymous
I would wear it under a jacket/ blazer, so it wouldn’t leave me either bare or freezing or showing substantial cleavage, which I don’t really have and starts low on my chest anyway. This particular one may be an inch or so deeper than ideal, but the concept of a top like this for a simple and sleek Sally Yates look is very appealing.
Anon NC
I would not wear it on its own but as a base layer underneath blazer, I find that type of long, square neckline to be perfect for my round face (to the point that I have a bra with wide set straps specifically to wear with that type of top). I would have to try it on to see if it is too low but would definitely give it a try.
Raised
I need help with asking for a raise. I have been casually talking to other companies and what they are offering is significantly higher than what I’m being paid. Ask a manager has a script that basically says “I’m being contacted by recruiters offering $X, but I would rather stay, can we address this?” How risky of an approach is that? I don’t think an offer would get me a counteroffer based on my experience with the company; they tend to be offended when people leave.
Amy
I wouldn’t refer to yourself as having been “offered” anything unless you have a job offer in hand that you’re willing to leave your job for. Also consider whether you actually think you’re underpaid based on comparisons between the roles, etc. – a job that pays 20% more but is less interesting, requires more hours, or is less flexible isn’t actually a comparable/better offer. If you still want to ask, I’d say something like, “I’m seeing postings for comparable roles that are paying closer to X, so I’d like to understand what the options are for bringing my compensation more in line with the market rates for my role.”
Cornellian
I think this is good advice. It’s not so much that you’ve been “offered” as “advertised” at this point, and you don’t want to oversell it until you have something in hand. I’d use something softer like Amy recommended, and also include concrete examples of your value add (rather than just what other employers are offering).
Ellen
If you are well viewed at your company, the risk is minimal, tho you are not going to feel good if they don’t give you more and you decide to stay. It’s a shot, and I think you should take it, but I will ask my Dad for his views, and if different, I will share with you. Myrna tells me that her company doesn’t care what other companies pay (and they pay more she says), but her company (a NY Investement Bank) thinks so highly of themself that they just figure people will work for less (and most do). Myrna has never really loved them, but I think she is impressed by telling people where she works. So she stays, and since she is a Manageing Director, she makes very good money, even more then me with her bonuses, so I doubt she’d jump ship for another Investement Bank at her age (41), because she like all of us, age out quicker then men do in big jobs.
On a more serius note, I am convinced that the Roe v Wade decision that leaked from the US Supreme Court was done to show us that the Judges there don’t care and want abortion done with. How dumb is that? Women need to have freedom over their decisions and this is a big one. We can’t just rely on birth control, which has been known to fail repeatedley. And we can’t rely on men to do their thing, b/c they often are just interested in getting their way, and that is not the way we like to achieve our needs. So where we are left with is to try to maintain the stautus quo, which forturnately is OK in the Northeast, but elsewhere it will be awful. All I can say is that NY and our nearby states will get an influx of women who need abortions, and that is great for us as women, but not for women who have to travel here to do what they need (and used to be able to get where they live).
How in the world have we gone backwards so fast? Is this all based on some religius kick? I didn’t even think that religion was all that high a priority any more for the Gen Y and Gen Z’s who are the ones most likely to need abortions going forward. Being a Millenial myself, this was fortunately never an issue for me, but it was always comforting to know it was available if my ex completely messed up. So I say we do what we can for our younger sisters who need our help. Maybe we should start a campagn for political pressure in Congress? Let me know if you agree, Kat? TIA!!!!!
NYNY
If they get offended when people leave, you should probably have more serious talks with other companies. Because there’s no way to frame the request without referencing outside information. If you’re in a position to do so, you may want to advocate for market increases across the board within your company.
Anon
Yes, instead say “the market pay for these roles from my conversation with others in the industry appears to be [range]” and “my pay is not competitive” to support asking for an increase. This does not explicitly threaten to leave, since they may call your bluff if you do.
Anonymous
“Boss, before we wrap up our 1:1 this week, I wanted to chat about my compensation. I’m not looking to leave Teapot Co, and I know Teapot wants to have competitive pay and benefits. I’ve noticed a few job postings that are offering $x to $y, and I’m wondering if there are steps we can take to bring my pay closer to the market. Would it work to talk more about this during our next 1:1, or would you like me to chat with someone in HR?”
Keep in mind that ads might be saying they’ll pay that for someone with absolutely top education and qualifications and they don’t actually intend to pay that. Or other benefits could be crap. Or they laid people off or bunches have quit. Worth simultaneously applying elsewhere to find out for sure, then you may have two birds in the hand by the time your company gets back to you.
anon for this
Frame it as asking for a market adjustment. It’s not a raise, which would be performance-based, but a market adjustment which is what they should expect to pay if you were to leave.
You may find it helpful to generally reference increasing salaries in your industry as a whole, and that you’ve realized that your compensation is lagging the industry. Emphasize that you like the work and you like your role. Propose a percentage adjustment to bring you in line with market.
Coach Laura
I once got a $40,000 raise by showing market data, no threat to quit. My situation was a bit unique, in that it was post-2008 recession and my company had been acquired and I had moved into a position when it was a bit hectic. I used Glassdoor and other salary surveys and actually gave the printouts to my boss. I explained that I was underpaid, based on market. It helped that I was performing well and my boss was an ally. Glassdoor, ziprecruiter, salary and erieri (economic research institute) – all with dot com after them – should get you a sample. Use the best one or present a few for different data points.
Anon
So I have this Reformation wrap dress (the winslow). And it fits well except it gives me a plunging neckline, which I think for others it would work but trust me doesn’t look good on me. Like the V part of the neckline hits between the center of my bra so you can see about half of my bra. But maybe the sizing is wrong? Should I have gotten a bigger or smaller size? It works if I can “tape” the sides of the neckline closer together but there’s no fashion tape at Target and Amazon doesn’t deliver until next week and I need to wear this dress tomorrow. Would doublesided tape work for this? Or any other ideas for something I can find at a drugstore or Target? Thanks in advance!!
pugsnbourbon
Gonna assume you’ve ruled out a different bra. My Target has the fashion tape hidden deep in the underwear section, so it could be worth a double check. You could also hit a sewing/craft shop. But in a pinch I have used double-sided tape, cut into tiny pieces, as fashion tape.
Anon
+1 make sure you’re wearing a plunge bra with it. Your standard high-gore bra is not meant to be worn with this style. That’s why they make plunge bras.
Cat
a couple tiny safety pins? (Easiest way to do it – pin the outside of the dress while wearing it, take it off, then pin the inside)
Senior Attorney
I never trust fashion tape — safety pins are, uh, safer.
Anon
Can you use a tiny safety pin to keep things in place? You can keep it from showing by sliding between the layers of fabric on the edge/ hem. When I went back to work after baby and was pumping (so my b**b size fluctuated dramatically throughout the day, and sometimes cleavage was too much) I kept a box of pins in my office for modesty when needed.
Anon
Unfortunately the issue is likely the cut of dress. I’ve ordered so many things from Reformation over the years and nearly all of it is cut in the strangest, most unwearable ways. Even when I was at my thinnest and wearing a size 2 the dresses looked completely weird on me. Like my whole leg is sticking out through the slit or almost my entire chest is out (and not in a cute way).
As far as wearing it tomorrow I’d try double sided tape or maybe one of those chicken cutlet bras instead of a real bra. I’ve also seen youtube videos of people making a whole tape bra out of packing tape. Haven’t tried those myself but maybe worth a shot!
Anonymous
Yup. Reformation is just so oddly revealing that I can’t figure out who would be able to wear it in real life, and where. I think it’s designed for influencers to wear in their social media photos and that’s it.
Flats Only
I used to use safety pins to keep wrap dresses from getting too revealing. Pin the side that goes “inside” to your bra, and then pin the side that goes outside under the arm with a small safety pin. That method really kept the “v” from getting too deep as the day wore on.
Anonymous
If you’re mildly crafty you could sew a snap in or have a tailor do it.
Anonymous
Go to a sewing store or a big-box craft store that sells sewing supplies, and look in the “sewing notions” aisle. You’ll find fashion tape there. Or go to a quick tailor and have the neckline sewn together where you want it to be. Or get needle and thread and tack it into place yourself.
Anonymous
What about filling in the gap with a camisole?
JTM
In an absolute emergency, I have used Scotch 2 sided tape as fashion tape and it totally worked! Maybe try that until you can find a better option?
Anon
Doesn’t sound like this is the dress for you.
Anon
Has anyone read more about this Louisiana bill that charges women who get an abortion with murder from the moment of conception? Does it really criminalize IUDs, or is that more
speculation of how it could be applied?
Anne-on
I wouldn’t be surprised. IUDs can be used to bring on an abortion if placed a few days after a missed period. And I 100% believe that once Roe is overturned birth control/IUDs/Plan B will be the next targets.
anon2
Just for the record, as a staunch R, this is discussed exactly nowehre and by nobody. I cannot fathom where everyone is getting hte idea that the Rs will suddenly try to ban birth control. That would be political suicide. You know that there are tons of R women, right?
anon2
Edited; I realize some one offs have said some super stupid stuff, but there is no way that is getting even off the starting block.
Anon
What? The bill referenced above in Louisiana has made it out of committee. That’s hardly not even getting off the starting block…
For the record, I believe it will start with banning certain types of birth control and the response will be, “Not all birth control is banned! Don’t worry! It’s not that bad!”
Anonymous
Why do you have so much internalized misogyny?
pugsnbourbon
You have your head really, really far down in the sand there. This isn’t even the first time IUDs have been targeted. Please wake up.
Anon
Everyone thought the same about RvW as well. You Rep. HAVE to learn that your “that will never happen” consistently happens and that your representatives constantly push more and more conservative and horrifying things to see what they can get away with.
Anon
Plenty of Republican women have abortions, you know. They just seem to think their abortion is the only moral abortion, and everyone else is just a s1ut that should have her access to abortion taken away.
Amy
And yet here we are WRT abortion rights. You do realize The Pill not only prevents conception but prevents implantation of a fertilized egg, a.k.a., to Republicans, “A child”? So yes, logically, you can’t be against abortion and in favor of The Pill. It’s rank hypocrisy.
Anon
Thanks for showing up yet again to offer another Tomi Lahren-style hot take about why we shouldn’t fear people like you, who consistently and repeatedly vote to take people’s rights away. I hope if they do ban birth control you and your like-minded buddies are the first people in the line to have to go back to the good ol’ fashioned rhythm or “pull and pray” methods. Maybe then you’ll wake up.
Anonymous
There are tons of Republican women who feel they they’ll never want or need an abortion and if they do it’ll be very morally justified and also relatively easy to get. Tons of them are wrong.
I was listening to a podcast on the volstead act. Most Americans at the time were pro- banning certain types of alcohol in certain places. But a very few were in favor of making all booze illegal. I see this process as very similar in that a very extreme minority is writing the rules: not moderate Republican women, but the extremists they elect.
pugsnbourbon
This is pretty old but should be required reading (sorry for crappy formatting): “The only moral abortion is my abortion” https://prochoiceactionnetwork-canada.org/articles/anti-tales.shtml
Anon
Hi, fellow R here, and I completely disagree with you. I’m an R because I have an inherent distrust of government. To me, being pro-choice is a no brainer as a result – I do not trust the government, when granted more power, not to overreach. If you think some of the policies around COVID were overreaches (assuming you do since you’re an R), what on earth makes you think the government wouldn’t overreach here?
Anonymous
Ah, so you are an actual Republican. Unfortunately, your party has been taken over by authoritarians who want exactly the opposite of the “limited government” that the party used to stand for.
Anonymous
I hope you call your elected officials to voice your support for pro-choice policies as a Republican woman.
Anon
I live in a state where our Republicans are pro-choice….
anon
I have a huge inherent distrust of government, especially big government, and fiscally, I liked Republican economic policy better. In my 20s, I leaned Republican because the Democrats were leading to socialism, but have considered myself a libertarian for a long time, with both parties annoying me. (We don’t have to register in my state.) Now the Democrats look like the sane ones.
https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/congress/roe-likely-fall-senate-republicans-weigh-nationwide-abortion-restricti-rcna27491
Anonymous
Yet “R women” are ok with denying themselves the right to choose? Of course birth control is next. It’s a slippery slope that we are catapulting down.
Anon
Right? Women can hate women and vote for policies that are bad for women. See…some women wanting to ban all abortion.
Anon
I have read the bill and the commentary about the bill. It specifically defines a person as a human being beginning at the point of fertilization. It actually changes the existing trigger law which defines a person as beginning at the point of implantation.
This change is purposeful and is designed to apply not only to abortions, but also any medication or device that would prevent a fertilized egg from implanting. Yes, this means it would criminalize IUDs. It also might criminalize treatment for ectopic pregnancy, btw, because that is technically a fertilized egg. Also implications for in vitro. Whether or not anyone thinks the law would be applied in this way, it says what it says. I will never count on non-enforcement by people who are unhinged enough to write this down and pass this law.
(Note: this law has not yet passed the state legislature, but it has made it out of committee, which is shameful in and of itself.)
Anon
Yeah, this. They previously had a DIFFERENT trigger law and this specifically restricts things further.
Anonymous
If it’s from the moment of conception the the purpose is to criminalize birth control. I thought some bcp also prevented implantation not necessarily fertilization?
Anon
I think pretty much all of them are thought to work this way to some extent (their success rate at preventing pregnancy is higher than their success rate at preventing fertilization, and it’s prevention of implantation that makes up the difference).
Louisiana resident
I think it’s time to start job searching in other states.
Another Louisiana resident
I’ve been thinking the same thing all week. Ugh.
Anon LA
I can’t move but I am terrified. What can we do?!?
pugsnbourbon
Make a plan. Reach out to your insurance to see if they would cover replacing an IUD out of state. Look up how to get a medication abortion online (Plan C Pills, AidAccess, etc). Check out your regional abortion fund for more resources.
Anon
Right-wing candidates who are even scarier than Trump will win presidential elections if everyone who is moderate or liberal flees red and purple states. If you have the means to leave the state for an abortion (which I’m assuming you do, if you’re reading here) you should stay and vote.
Work
+1
Absolutely
This is what the right is trying to do. Scare moderates/democrats from states like Texas and any purple (or red) states, so those States will continue to get deeper red and the chance of a Senate that represents the true population will be lost.
It is so important to stay if you can and fight fight fight. Vote. Donate. Educate. Call your local pro choice organizations and ask what you can do. Call your senators. Call your reps.
Anonymous
Has anyone tried the Olive & June pedicure system? All the reviews I can find online read like advertisements, would love to hear if anyone has actually tried it.
Anonymous
I’ve tried the manicure system. I like it from the standpoint that it has all the steps included and makes me actually use them, so it does make my manicure last longer and look a bit better. But it’s nothing magical or super unique. You can get the same result with other polish if you go through all the steps (prep, shaping, watching for full dry, top coat, etc.).
anon
That’s how I feel about it, too. Follow their Instagram and learn the steps, and you can repeat on your own without buying new polish. I have a couple of their colors. 2 wear well, and 1 particular color chips like crazy.
Anon
I’ve tried it and really like it. Since March 2020, I’ve been using the Olive & June mani system and started using the pedi system once they released it and I’m happy with both. I started using them when I could no longer get my nails done in a salon and found both systems to be easy to use. Also, when I follow their advice, my nails look great and my polish lasts for around two weeks.
Elle
I’m feeling so hopeless about the Roe decision. I got pregnant when my IUD failed years ago. I’ve been thinking about how being forced to have that child would have limited my options and I can’t help but think about women in future generations who won’t be able to make the choice I did. I’m so horrified that we as a society are moving backwards in this way.
Anonny
Me too. I’m in a red state and of reproductive age, and I worry about the impact this will have on me, and in the future, on my daughter. I’ve been wanting to move away from this state for a while, but I now feel a sense of urgency because of this looming opinion. The governor in my state has presidential ambitions and the state legislators will do whatever he says, so I fully expect more abortion restrictions to be enacted.
anon
Me, too. I am unlikely to become pregnant at this stage in life (early 40s, DH has a vasectomy), but if I did, it would be a big damn emergency and I’d want to keep my options open. I worry for my daughter’s generation.
Monday
Exact same situation, with stepdaughters and a niece.
Anne-on
Same and same. Let’s not forget to also thoroughly educate our boys too. Mine will be getting a much longer conversation on why protection is now even more important and how if he does have s*x with a partner capable of getting pregnant they BOTH need to be in synch on what to do in a worse case scenario. If you’re not mature enough to talk about protection and what to do in an ‘oops’ situation you’re not mature enough to be having intercourse.
Aunt Jamesina
It’s so upsetting. I think a huge issue is the lack of visibility into just how many women/ which women have had abortions. I think about how some people in my extended family have slowly really changed their thinking on gay marriage once my cousin came out; I feel like more minds might be changed if more women were “out” about their medical history. It just hits different when it’s someone you know and love. But obviously I 100% understand and respect why so many women opt not to share this information or only share it with a few people. We don’t live in a world where it’s safe to share in many circumstances. It’s just that the culture of shaming women around abortion hurts us in so many ways.
Anon
A different perspective on the whole we need to talk about this more argument: https://jessica.substack.com/p/fuck-you-im-done?s=r
Possibly nsfw due to language, also possibly very appropriate due to language.
Curious
Thank you
Coach Laura
True points, all.
anon
I was talking about the lack of visibility the other day, and how things change as you get older – especially the reasons why for abortions. In high school, I remember my friend who was barely holding it together as a human getting an abortion after going back and forth so many times about if she could raise the baby. By my mid-30s, you know more about your friends who had to terminate unviable but wanted pregnancies. But, all of those stories are just kept hush, hush, and generally only shared with a select few. Take for example Wendy Davis only sharing her story later on.
Cornellian
Yeah, I remember when I was younger not understanding how anyone could support late-term abortion. Then my friends started getting pregnant, and every single person I know who’s gotten a late-term abortion was visibly pregnant, out at work, had picked out names and assembled cribs, and gotten horrific news about their fetus not being compatible with life. I think if you don’t have first hand or second hand experience, it’s hard to imagine why people get abortions, and you tend to get that with age.
Frankly, elective abortions later in pregnancy still really bother me personally, but I understand that it’s not my f-ing business.
AIMS
My mom had an abortion well into her pregnancy when I was little because she was basically told she may not make it if she had the baby. So her choice was have an abortion or potentially leave me and any baby that she may have without a mother. She still thinks about it and whether she made the right call (she did). It’s amazing that anyone thinks that women are just sitting around for 22 weeks, going thru morning sickness, just to make up their mind half way thru the pregnancy.
NYNY
Every late-term abortion is the best solution to a tragic situation.
Curious
Aunt Jamesina, I agree that hearing the stories here has actually changed my “hmm unfortunate but we’ll manage” perspective to “what in the actual f we need to fight this tooth and nail.”
Cornellian
I can’t stop thinking about it, either. I’m not an “elective abortion for myself” person, but I had an ectopic as a single mom (using IUD and condom!) and… I don’t see how that would end except in me dying or going to prison and leaving my preschooler in the system. Like…. what?! Especially because in that context I literally spent christmas eve driving around central Texas to get it taken care of because I might not have been alive a couple days later to do then.
It’s dystopian.
AIMS
I am not totally hopeless. I really feel like this is going to either be an epic disaster for the right because they have been using this as a political motivator for their fringe elements without a lot of people thinking it would actually come to pass who are now going to have second thoughts about voting for republicans, or it will be largely symbolic because abortion drugs are going to be next to impossible to stop. I appreciate that this is what they are trying to target next, but the war on drugs failed and these efforts will fail too. And I just don’t think the public has the appetite for putting women in jail. I could be wrong of course but if we are becoming that kind of society, we have a lot bigger problems than just abortion and I fear for a lot more in our future. So I guess maybe I’m both hopeless and hopeful. But I really think that the right has benefitted from being able to extremist about this without having to deal with the fallout from what the achievement of their goals would actually mean from the larger public.
Monday
Re the drug thing…I’m more worried about unsafe black market abortion pills, purchased by poor and desperate people. With black market recreational drugs, overdoses are going up because incentives align around cutting substances with cheaper stuff that is often unsafe. I’m scared to think of how this could play out with abortion drugs.
Curious
We already put a lot of (black and brown) women in jail. Not as many as men. But lots. Or we detain them away from their children for crossing our border.
pugsnbourbon
Yeah Curious is exactly right. It’s going to start with reporting “suspicious miscarriages” in the ER. And the women who get reported are very likely going to be people of color.
Coach Laura
The thought of putting women in jail is a problem, but in many cases, doctors will be worried about the very real threat of losing their licenses. Some brave doctors may not care, but I can see the 35yo male ER doctor with two kids being concerned about losing their license more than being thrown in jail, or an OB/gyn worried about being sued, loosing their business and being on the front page of the newspaper under these whack-job laws like in Texas. This will cause more issues that just jailing women.
I’m sure that sending abortion drugs through the mail to blue states might be illegal and get people in trouble, but hopefully some organizations can find a way around that and a grass-roots campaign where Plan B is funded and run out of a blue state might work.
Anon
I’m aggressively pro-choice, but I’m getting sick of the woe-is-me commentary here. The VAST majority of women commentating on this board have the resources and access to continue to get abortions, even if it means traveling for them. I wish everyone here would put as much effort as they do talking about how hard their lives are toward donating and volunteering to abortion funds to help actual low-income women continue to access abortions.
If you have the resources to MOVE as a result of this, you are not going to lose access to abortions.
It’s so privileged and tone-deaf.
anon for this
No, it’s tone-deaf to underestimate the amount of effort and resources it takes to navigate abortion availability, **even for women with resources** like those on this board. And you are overlooking the empathy that the people on this board have for others who may not have the ability to do the same, and just because people are not trumpeting their donations does not mean they are not donating. Activism is not monolithic.
A dear friend found out at 21 weeks into a very wanted pregnancy that her fetus was incompatible with life. She had to travel, basically the next day, to a state that would perform an abortion up to 22 weeks, and had to have two appointments on separate days because of the pre-procedure counseling rules. She had an employer who granted her immediate time off, a husband who could stay behind with their other children, and it was still extremely traumatic to have to make a quick, expensive decision.
Anon
I don’t think complaining here is correlated with NOT donating or volunteering. For example, I have posted here many times in the last few days, and I also donate to my state’s abortion access fund and also regularly volunteer as a clinic escort.
I think there are a couple of reasons women have been moved to post their fears on this board. It’s anonymous, so it can be easier for some to express anxiety or fear in that context, especially in a forum where they know their feelings will be validated, at least by many other posters. I think there’s also a tendency to continue posting about how bad it might get as kind of a push back to a lot of people saying that it won’t get that bad, don’t worry, calm down.
Also I would note that for myself, I know and acknowledge I have the resources to travel for an abortion. I have the resources to write a check, no questions asked, to many others who would need to do so. But I don’t have the resources or ability to get everyone access to the healthcare they might need. A lot of people who do have privilege are also worried about the people they can’t help. That is called empathy, and I don’t understand why we shouldn’t have it.
Curious
Yeah. My check only goes so far.
Aunt Jamesina
I’m not very worried about myself; I’m worried about other women and our girls.
Anon
Yes, I’m really not worried about myself at all. I’m late 30’s, solidly blue state (NJ), on birth control, have the means to travel if needed, etc. But I think the bottom line of RvW being overturned is a lot of women will needlessly die.
Elle
Did you even read what I wrote? I literally said that I was lucky to be so privileged and that I worry for younger women who won’t have the opportunity I did.
kitten
r/gatekeeping
Louisiana resident
I agree that people who can should be donating and volunteering to funds to help low-income women. But this thread is about a bill in my State that would subject me to murder charges for using an IUD. (As mentioned above, Louisiana already has a 6-week abortion ban.) I had a very difficult pregnancy that had dramatic consequences for my career and my physical and mental health. I have a child with special needs who is aggressive toward other children and lately has had suicidal thoughts. We are maxed out. Our HHI is about $105K, take-home is around $80K, and $16K goes toward insurance premiums and medical expenses. If I can’t have an IUD, and my husband isn’t willing to practice abstinence or get a vasectomy, I’m moving.
Putting aside issues of proof in a murder trial for using an IUD, a felony charge against me would also threaten my license to practice law. And I doubt the publicity would be good for my career, given the type of law I practice and who my clients are.
I do have the option to move. I am privileged with a good education, and I’m good at my job. But it’s completely wrong to think that these laws only affect low-income women.
Louisiana resident
Eh, I got my threads mixed up. But obviously, the Louisiana law is an example of what will happen if Roe v Wade is overturned. The immediate issue is access to abortion, but this line of Supreme Court decisions protects other privacy rights, including access to birth control and same-sex relationships.
Anon
It’s tone-deaf to assume that people here aren’t also donating and volunteering while we’re here talking about the issue. I sent a thousand dollars to an abortion fund in my state that is helping transport people from Texas and other southern states here to get abortion care. I wrote all my senators and representatives, down to the state level, begging for abortion access to get coded into law. I sent my name into one of our local clinics as a resource who can provide transportation, funding, or shelter for anyone who needs to travel here to get an abortion. What have you done?
Anonymous
I’m not concerned about my access to elective abortion, I’m concerned about my access to emergency health services for something like an ectopic pregnancy. I’m also concerned about other women who don’t have the resources I do.
SC
My mother had two ectopic pregnancies before she had me. The first time, it ruptured, and she almost bled out. The second time, it wasn’t detected until 11 weeks, and her doctor was looking for it (though imaging is better now). She had emergency surgery. That surgery would be illegal under many current state laws, including existing Louisiana law, and it would be considered murder under the new Louisiana bill. Ironically, if we’re “pro life,” she survived and had a surgery that enabled her to have a baby (me), and I have a son. So we are +3 on “life” due to that surgery.
Anon
Dude, privileged women can worry about other women. It’s called empathy. You can look it up and maybe try to develop some.
Senior Attorney
I’m horrified, too. I’m past my fertile years now, but I was telling my husband last night that I had a scare or two over the years (is there any woman who never had a pregnancy scare?), and just KNOWING the abortion option was available if necessary was so reassuring, even though I never needed it.
Senior Attorney
And therefore, it should go without saying but apparently does not, I am horrified and heartbroken for younger, less privileged women in the wake of recent and upcoming events.
Seventh Sister
While I don’t worry so much about me, I worry about my teenager, the one who’s never even kissed anyone, the one who wants to go to medical school, the one who shouldn’t have to worry about this sh*t. My most-serious pregnancy scare coincided with a relationship that was very very very bad, and I’m so grateful that I knew I had options.
pugsnbourbon
Earlier this week there was an anti-abortion commenter who seemed aghast at the suggestion that anti-abortion legislators would attempt to challenge other significant civil rights cases.
On Wednesday Texas governor Greg Abbott stated his desire to challenge Plyler vs. Doe, which protected undocumented children’s right to attend public schools. https://www.statesman.com/story/news/2022/05/04/gov-greg-abbott-supreme-court-case-requiring-education-undocumented-children/9652463002/
In March my state senator, Mike Braun, said that the Loving ruling should have been left to the states. He walked it back, but he still said it: https://www.wthr.com/article/news/politics/indiana-senator-mike-braun-supreme-court-abortion-interracial-marriage/531-2a7cee15-7e93-47b0-9619-b6f11bcc4436
Please also remember that Alito, who wrote the leaked draft opinion, also wrote dissenting opinions on both Obergefell and Bostock. When we say that overturning Roe will have vast consequences we are not exaggerating.
Anne-on
I think they’re coming for Obergefell before Loving, but I 100% agree all are going to be under attack. I think legislatures would have a much harder time with those as men are not going to be ok with losing THEIR rights and I would guess the knock on impact rolling those ruling back would have on tax/inheritance laws would be a significant deterrent. But that doesn’t mean they won’t try.
LaurenB
I suspect Loving is “safe” because of Clarence Thomas and Mitch McConnell. But boy wouldn’t I love to throw that back at them and make them squirm.
Anonymous
I am not that optimistic. I think people like Thomas and McConnell don’t think the rules apply to them, so they wouldn’t be threatened if Loving were overruled.
Amy
I don’t find the “they have interracial marriages, so the decision is safe” argument compelling at all. Like anything else, it’s rights for me and not for thee. The chance to show how much Republicans hate minorities – excuse me, “states’ rights” – will be too good to pass up. They already got theirs; why on earth would they care about anyone else?
Anon
Unfortunately they don’t acknowledge their own rank hypocrisy and are therefore unswayed by it.
Senior Attorney
Yeah, in California some years ago we had marriage equality for some years after a state Supreme Court decision, then (believe it or not — horrifying!) the voters passed an amendment to the state Constitution that prohibited same sex marriage a few years later, so it was illegal until the SCOTUS decision in Obgerfell. But the marriages that occurred in the interim were still valid. I’m certain that if/when the SCOTUS overrules Loving, it will be similar so Clarence and Ginni and Mitch and Elaine won’t have to worry about their own marriages being retroactively invalidated.
Anonymous
They already got married. They don’t care whether anyone else can get married.
Anokha
I don’t think it’s hysteria to say that there will likely be vast consequences. This article did a good job of laying out what else is at stake (and why you can’t trust conservatives who promise they’re not going to claw back other unenumerated rights): https://slate.com/news-and-politics/2022/05/conservatives-lying-impact-samuel-alito-leaked-draft-opinion-roe.html
Monday
Yeah- I would love to think we are “overreacting”but I just don’t see how we are. My understanding of the leaked opinion is that it suggests no rights that weren’t established by the 19th century need to be upheld today. There are noises about how abortion is a specific and unique instance and that doesn’t portend anything else, but the explanation as to why not was incoherent to me.
Telling people to calm down and that it isn’t a big deal reminds me of January 6 apologists. And the issues are obviously connected.
Anon
I can’t think of once instance where someone saying “calm down” has ever actually helped another person calm down.
Plus the people saying that IUDs would never be criminalized or that abortion travel bans will never be enforced are often the same people who said Trump would never get elected or that the Court would never actually overturn Roe. (In addition to the Jan 6 sedition.)
Anon
I’ve noticed the same thing about people’s track record. Some people just minimize and downplay things by default. They don’t learn or see the pattern in their past mistakes.
Anon
I think some people are into toxic positivity – look on the bright side no matter what – and that’s a hard thought pattern to break. My mom is like this and I have called her out on it several times. She protested in favor of abortion rights in the 1960s and I honestly think the news this week kind of broke her. While I don’t believe in miring oneself in despair, I do believe in looking at things with clear eyes and clearly, we are on a very troublesome and dangerous trajectory. The country may survive the overturning of Roe but Obergefell and Loving getting overturned will likely tear the country apart. I no longer believe I will die in the same “United States” of America I was born in. I think it’s inevitable that we will see another secession and I’m of the opinion that this time, we should negotiate for a peaceful exit of the states who want to leave vs. fighting to keep the “union” together. Because we aren’t unified, and I don’t see a path forward to unification given that a substantial part of the population believes no one but straight, white, Christian males should have rights.
Coach Laura
Anon, when I think about the “United States” and succession and I remember the plan of Washington, Oregon and California to succeed and form a province of Canada. Can be tempting, though Canada is not without problems.
Anon
Too bad so many of these people can’t be shamed by their hypocrisy. How in the world is it pro-life to deny an education to children who have no say in whether they are in this country or how they got here?
Anon
I will never understand how the right succeeded in branding themselves “pro-life” when they don’t support guaranteed parental leave or universal pre-K or accepting refugees or laws that would stop kids from getting slaughtered in school or acceptance of LGBT kids. It’s truly a masterclass in PR because their views are so antithetical to actual life.
Anonymous
It’s because they believe a woman’s purpose in life is to breed. If she wants to do other things that’s cute and all but her primary purpose should be creating and caring for children. If she dies in childbirth oh well that’s just part of being a woman. She doesn’t get parental leave because she should be quitting her job and staying home anyway. Pre-K isn’t needed because mom can teach. Guns in school wouldn’t be a problem if she homeschooled the kids. Can’t let people be LGBT because that conflicts with the roles of a man as head of household and a woman as childcare and homemaker. Refugees aren’t important because racism.
Anon
I’m the Anon above lamenting about the hypocrisy. What you say is definitely why they pass these laws and hold these positions. It just amazes me that they’re mentally able even say this stuff. And that people believe them?
More Sleep Would Be Nice
+1. I sometimes look in, out of fascination/terror, few microinfluencers that are of the hyper-fundamental Christian, anti-vaxx, everything “natural” and organic and there’s been a lot more “Let women be women”, “don’t take my right to motherhood away from me”, “real men are fathers and Godly for their family” type posts which I think are a vestige of this conservative, patriarchal attitude.
Anon
It’s her job to breed but only within a marriage. If that wh0re dares to get pregnant outside a marriage, then her punishment is bearing that child – look at all the language around the so-called pro-life movement. It’s all about punishing the pregnant woman.
Which is weird, because I took biology and remember that it also takes a man to create the pregnancy, but no one talks about him.
Anon
It’s definitely past time to stop calling them ‘pro-life’. If we have any power here it is to call these people out for what they are. Forced birthera, death cult, maybe someone has a pithier title, etc. i don’t think continuing to play along with their pro-life moniker is is helping anyone but them.
Anon
+1000. If you are “pro-life,” then you should be pro-universal health care, anti-death penalty, and anti-guns.
BeenThatGuy
I’m honestly curious why legislators/pro-lifers don’t discuss banning vasectomies.
Amy
I’m as pro-choice as they come, but I believe the logic would be that preventing insemination doesn’t “stop a beating heart,” so most pro-lifers aren’t concerned with it.
Anon
This probably is what they’d say. There’s no beating heart in a fertilized egg, though! So I think the real reason has a lot more to do with “law for thee but not for me.”
PolyD
The same people tend to not be in favor of mandatory organ donation or blood donation, and lack of organs definitely stops beating hearts so, yeah. Although I guess a person in end- stage kidney failure isn’t as cute a a fetus.
Anon
Gametes =/= unique human at the very earliest stages of life.
Not starting a fight; if you think that a woman’s right is more important than that of the embryo, I’m not here to debate that. But the biological argument is really straightforward: gametes are gametes and not humans.
Anonymous
Even if a fertilized egg has full personhood, it doesn’t have the right to co-opt another person’s body to support it.
Anonymous
The people who are calling us hysterical now are the same people who called us hysterical for worrying about abortion rights in 2016. I’m really tired of the attitude, “It’ll never happen calm down.”
Anon
Yep. I actually remember some heated arguments on this board about voting for Hillary, with a couple of people saying they wouldn’t vote for her (and I believe instead were going to vote Green Party or just not vote) but it was okay, because there was “no way” Trump would be able to pack the court and even if he did, there was “no way” the court would overturn Roe. And now here we are.
After years of hearing “oh, don’t worry, there’s ‘no way’ that will happen” – in regard to Trump getting elected, the pandemic shutting down everything, the housing market going into record price territory and staying there, Roe getting overturned, etc. I am kind of more inclined to catastrophize than I am to Pollyanna myself into thinking everything will be fine. Obviously everything is not fine, and what’s more, I don’t think it is going to get better any time soon.
Anon
Yeah me too. I was born in the USSR and I remember people thinking that would exist forever…
Anonymous
This times a million.
Also I’m getting really tired of “pro-choice” conservative women. If you pulled a lever for an anti-choice politician I don’t want to hear how upset you are right now. Everyone from Susan collins to my cousin can tell several seats.
AIMS
If Susan Collins actually felt remorse and cared she would vote with the democrats in favor of the national right to abortion bill. Maine readers – call her office. Anything else is BS.
Monday
I feel the same way about anyone who said staunch pro-choice positions should not be a mandatory “litmus test” for Democratic candidates. We’re always supposed to be flexible and nuanced on issues that don’t affect white men.
AIMS
This too. The governor in LA is a Democrat and he will probably be signing into law some pretty horrific legislation in the coming weeks.
More Sleep Would Be Nice
Caveat that I’m a lifelong Hillary fan…girl pretty much was on point with all her predictions of what would happen with a Trump presidency, including that he could have up to 4 SCOTUS nominees. Not that it does us much good now to know that, but…
Anon
Tell me you’re a racist without telling me you’re a racist. Big yikes.
Anonymous
Another fun aging parent question (man, i miss the days when this blog was filled with “am i pregnant??” not aging parent questions!)
My MIL flew in for the weekend. She and FIL live a 4.5 hour flight away. DH is the only child. FIL is a bit older than MIL and his physical and mental health have been declining. Until very recently, MIL was focused on tending to her dying mother, who has since died. We think MIL has been in a combo of denial/too distracted with her own mother to notice FIL’s declines.
She arrived yesterday and has already given 3 examples that make me wonder if we need to get involved for safety reasons. He will often forget where they are going when they are driving somewhere (they live in the south; he always drives). He will get ready to go run an errand they have already run that day. He will not remember events that happened the previous day. He does the whole, “Oh! Yeah! Right!” when reminded but I don’t buy that; that’s what people do to mask their memory issues. He is apparently not yet at the point where he forgets things like eating, but that could easily be because MIL is there to do what she always has done, which is put food in front of him 3x/day.
We don’t see him that often but when we FaceTime, he can no longer keep our kids straight. We have 3 kids of the same gender and hair color under age 8 so I do understand this! But I’ve noticed my 94 year old grandmother has the same issue, and FIL never had this issue before.
Thoughts? Should we be pushing MIL to do something like have him evaluated, potentially start planning for a place for him to live? Or…just let them be down south and wait for it to get really bad? DH agrees that his dad has memory issues, and the last few times we’ve been down there he’s just insisted on driving us all everywhere, but beyond that we’re not sure what to do (if anything) or how to help.
Cb
Oof, this is happening with my MIL right now and I’m not sure how to support my husband and make a plan for the future. They live in London and we’re in Scotand, so not close enough to be helpful in their day to day life and have a true picture of what is going on.
I suspect it’s likely it’s a high degree of stress (MIL + and her partner run themselves ragged running a charity and their lifestyle is just really chaotic) and failing vision. So she’ll seem very confused because she doesn’t pay enough attention and she can’t see (ie. thinking a photo of our child is a photo of a cat, getting train times mixed up, voting wrong). The optician says her vision is bad but not so bad she can’t drive which terrifies me…what happens when she gets flustered and can’t stop in time for a pedestrian, cyclist, stalled car.
No advice but solidarity. I have to assume they are adults and there isn’t loads we can do?
Anonymous
MIL may be in a bit of denial, because chances are the memory changes aren’t sudden. I would mention the things you’ve discussed, say you are concerned that perhaps there may be a medication interaction problem or sleep disorder or the like and see if he should go for a physical and mention. All sorts of things can impact memory. (Deliberately downplay–most folks are so afraid of a dementia diagnosis that they will do anything to avoid.) Depending on the situation, the progression of some types of dementia can be slowed with memory activities and medication. So there is benefit for early intervention. Having it diagnosed may also be an alert to your MIL that they will need to make a plan for managing and she may be less likely to ride in a car with him driving or work with him to recognize when it’s no longer safe.
Vicky Austin
Would your DH be able to broach the subject of evaluations with MIL? If I were her, I would probably be too worn down by spending energy and time on a dying parent to even want to acknowledge the truth of my husband’s decline. Showing her you’re here to help may make her feel like she can tackle it.
Anonymous
Interesting idea. I worked in a memory lab for a couple years after college (15+ years ago). Last time she visited (Feb) she asked me if I think he should be evaluated. I said brightly, “well it doesn’t hurt to have a baseline so even if you aren’t sure there is a problem it’s a great idea. Would you like us to help find somewhere?” And she seemed to agree that it was a good idea but we are just too far away to be useful.
I think she knows there is a problem but isn’t sure what to do about it. Fwiw FIL is like 85; it’s not a medication issue. It’s a cognition issue for sure. Both his parents died with various levels of dementia, too.
Anon
I have a FIL in his early 60’s with dementia. So I can really relate to your struggle here.
I’m curious to see what kind of suggestions you get from the hive.
In our experience one thing that helped, was to make a list of odd behavior and situations that seemed out of character. It made it harder for a physician not to dig in deeper to an issue when there was a documented list of items that sounded like a cognitive decline with a lean towards possibly safety risks (ex. FIL got lost driving home, etc.). The first couple of times we tried to have FIL evaluated, physicians were writing-off our verbal concerns as “he’s getting older – it happens”, etc.
On the MIL in denial front. My MIL can still be in denial about FIL and his abilities even after official diagnosis. So I have very little recommendations there. For driving specifically, MIL was resistant to taking on driving responsibilities until we had a neurologist conclude FIL was not fit to drive after FIL bombed a cognitive memory test and said verbatim “He is not fit to drive”.
Overall, DH will have to take the reins. The best you can do is to just support him in the background. My FIL and MIL have known me for a long time, but when it comes to big decisions it has to come from their direct family.
Anonymous
I watched my parents care for their elderly parents, and then my mom had to transition immediately into caring for my dad as his memory declined. It was . . . brutal. Just an epic season of grieving as you gradually lose loved ones to aging, decline, and failing memory—along with all the decisions, tasks, errands, doctors, medications, money, etc. So I have lots of empathy for you MIL. She may be noticing more than it appears, and simply not have the capacity to deal with it right now. what might help is your husband offering to do some specific things: “Mom, I’d like to ____. Would that be OK”? Such as, research what kind of doctor to see and who to go to, research care or respite options and do the work of figuring out what insurance will/won’t cover, etc. It could all be couched as, “So we’re ready if Dad ever needs it.”
FWIW, I do find these examples serious–forgetting where you’re going as you’re driving there seems the biggest. (I am totally forgiving about getting your kids mixed up on Facetime; I’d be getting them mixed up all. the. time.)
anon
I remember when we were at this stage with my mother. Everyone felt it was natural aging, and I felt crazy for thinking otherwise until I decided that I knew what I was seeing. Eventually I was able to get my oldest sister on board, who lived in the same town as my mom. She arranged for an extensive medical evaluation, my mom was diagnosed with “mild cognitive impairment”, and we took things as they came from there. It doesn’t sound like your FIL is ready to move anywhere, and it’s wonderful his wife is with him (my father had died two years before my mother’s diagnosis, but looking back, we realize her decline had already begun). There’s a great book called “Spectrum of Hope” that helps humanize this experience and removes some of the stigma and fear around it.
Senior Attorney
I also remember when my parents started to decline noticeably in a similar manner. Most dramatically, they got lost driving to my new house, which was literally a mile from the old house they’d driven to 1,000 times. I sat them down and said they needed to have a plan for what to do when they couldn’t live independently any more.
They went away, put their heads together, and came back and said these words: “Our plan is to be carried out of here feet first.”
Well, they executed that plan, but the problem was when they were carried out feet first, they were still alive. My dad got sick, they didn’t tell anybody, and he was taken to the hospital by ambulance with life-threatening sepsis. My mom was too feeble to stay in the house on her own. It was a one bed, one bath condo so no room for a caretaker. So I had to scramble and find them a place in assisted living while Dad was in the hospital and Mom was in a nursing home temporarily. I’ve been divorced twice and that was by far the hardest, saddest, most stressful thing I’ve ever been through. And I discovered that MANY MANY, if not most, people who put their elderly parents in similar places do so on a similarly emergency basis. Ugh.
My parents were SO MAD. They literally tried to run away from assisted living for the first few years they were there. It got to be a joke that I didn’t tell them when I was going on vacation because they tried to make a break for it every time I left town. But they were way past being able to live on their own, and they hadn’t made any plans, so it was up to me and I did the best I could. My mom eventually came to terms with it before she passed away a couple of years ago. My dad, poor guy, had a fall a couple of months ago and is not bouncing back mentally and is moving to the locked “memory care” floor in the next week or so. (I should be working on that instead of posting here but ugh — I’m in denial.)
So. If MIL is still competent, sit her down and tell her she needs to have a plan, and that if she fails to make a plan she needs to understand that by failing to make a plan, they are making a plan to have you and your DH handle things on the fly when the inevitable crisis arises, and what you decide may or may not be to her liking.
Ugh sorry this is a novel but maybe my cautionary tale will help your MIL see the light.
Vicky Austin
I’m sorry about both your original ordeal and your dad’s situation, SA.
Cornellian
Sorry to hear about your dad :(
Being an orphan doesn’t have many benefits, but I suppose avoiding this is one of them! Too bad my inlaws are underprepared unrealistic nightmares, ugh.
Senior Attorney
I feel like it would even be worse with in-laws because at least with my parents I got to call all the shots. My father-in-law (terrible former’s dad), bless him, was 100% sharp until the day he sat down on the bedroom floor and died while getting ready for bed, one week short of his 95th birthday. Left everything in perfect order including prepaid funeral. Everybody should be like him!!
Cornellian
Honestly, that’s sort of a good goal to aspire to….
Coach Laura
I’m getting lots of experience with dementia in parents. I definitely agree he (and wife too) should get a cognitive test “for a baseline”. I’ve been to these with my mom. It’s like the Trump – Person, woman, man, camera, TV test – you have to pick the right year, draw numbers on a clock face, draw circles, etc and later on name the five items from memory. My mom, in 2021, said it was 2020 and had no clue the day, month or week and remembered only two items. But since she had taken the same test six months before, we could point to a quick decline that was indeed meds related.
Senior Attorney
Yeah, my dad flunked this test and that’s why he’s off to memory care.
Anonymous
do you think the entire industry of prenatal testing/research is going to go away? i was also thinking about all the ob/gyn visits i had to check the health of the baby — kind of all irrelevant now, right?
anon
It’s ghoulish, what they’re doing to women who are carrying an unhealthy pregnancy.
Anon
Women with resources will be able to go to Canada to get a post-anatomy-scan termination. Everyone else will just have to carry to term and deal with whatever happens.
We haven’t really had to deal with the consequences of women not being able to terminate for severe birth defects since Roe. I know two women who terminated after their anatomy scan – one woman’s baby was anencephalic (no brain other than the brainstem keeping the heart beating) and the other woman’s baby had trisomy 18 and a laundry list of severe birth defects, most of which were not correctable. I wonder if having severely disabled babies get abandoned by their parents at the hospital or at the fire station to become permanent wards of the state will change anyone’s mind about the need for safe, legal abortion? Probably not. I hope all the pro-lifers out there will be lining up to adopt these babies who will never be able to walk, talk or feed themselves, and who will have profound, expensive medical needs for their entire lifespan, since they’re so insistent that every pregnancy should be brought to term.
Anon
Lol at the idea that the pro-lifers will be adopting the profoundly disabled children. My state has plenty of pro-lifers and also plenty of disabled and otherwise difficult to place children in the system, so somehow the math there doesn’t seem to be adding up…
Anon
Yup, and these adoptive parents better be paying for all that medical care themselves instead of relying on handouts from the government…
(I, too, know multiple people who terminated very much wanted pregnancies for the same reasons, including trisomy 18).
Anon
My friend who terminated for anencephaly had been trying for a second child for years when that happened and honestly, I am not sure she has ever gotten over it. They stopped trying after that, her husband got a vasectomy, because it was so awful they couldn’t risk going through it again. They would have given just about everything they had to have prevented that outcome, but there was just nothing they could have done. She was on folic acid, no family history of those kinds of defects. It was just random bad luck. She said the appointment where they got the diagnosis was the only one she’s ever been in where everyone in the room – the doctor, the nurse, the genetic counselor they’d brought in, etc. was crying. It’s a tragic, tragic thing. But it would have been far more tragic had she been forced to give birth to the baby and then just wait to see if the child would live a week, two days, a month, etc., likely on machines the entire time.
Anonymous
Those OB/GYN visits are even more important to the state now, as evidence to prosecute you for fetal neglect or abuse if the baby isn’t doing well.
Amy
Indeed, or as evidence that someone was pregnant who doesn’t ultimately have a child.
Anonymous
hmmm. i was also thinking that prenatal drinking/drug use would go way up.
it’s all so completely horrible. even if this phase only lasts 5 years it’ll be incredibly damaging to the women who get pregnant in this time period.
Cornellian
Not saying you’re wrong about drug use, but not sure I follow the logic…?
Anonymous
Not the person you’re responding to, but existing addiction and mental health issues is the answer you’re looking for. Lots of women with drug and alcohol problems get abortions – most rehabs won’t take pg women so they don’t have a lot of choices. Same with mental health, lots of women with serious mental health diagnoses are taking meds that are not considered safe for pg women. Maybe they could change to different drugs but switching up a regimen that’s (finally) working can be really tough and not necessarily successful.
Anonymous
No
Anonymous
Not at all. I say this as someone who is horrified by the ruling and scared of where we are headed, but if there’s any sick bright spot, it’s that there have already been developments in pre-birth surgeries and treatment for things like heart defects. This may prompt more of that. Maybe? Hopefully?
Anon
A number of women terminate every year for anencephaly, which is where the baby’s brain stem develops and keeps the baseline body functions running but there’s no forebrain, and so the baby is incapable of ever developing speech, locomotion, or really any kind of meaningful cognition. There’s no fix for it; you cannot induce a fetus to grow brain tissue where none has grown organically. Hopefully abortion funds will be able to fly those women to Canada for terminations so they don’t have to go through the trauma of giving birth to a child who has no meaningful hope of long-term survival.
Anon
Why Canada instead of Massachusetts, New York, Illinois, California, Minnesota, New Mexico, Nevada, etc?
Anon
Possibly because the right’s stated goal is a federal ban.
Anon
Because if Roe falls and the Republicans retake the presidency, Senate and House in 2024, abortion will be banned at the federal level. It will not be legal anywhere, even in those states.
Anon
Better prenatal health in general is a wonderful thing.
Your examples of pre-birth surgeries in the current climate may mean a woman carrying a fetus against her will have to choices: having a costly procedure to fix an issue or be sued/arrested for infanticide or murder. She goes the surgery route and she will have to pay the bill for all that medical care, because universal health care is not a thing in this country. I think the levels of oppression that can and will be wrought on women (starting with the poorest/ most vulnerable of course it no woman will be completely safe) is going to surprise us all, till we can oust trump/evangelical/radical republicans and their ilk from positions of authority.
Anonymous
I don’t disagree. I’m just trying to look for the (very dim) bright spot, perhaps in this sh*t storm. I’m all for any kind of medical developments we can make, and so many come from pure necessity.
Anonymous
I don’t know how banning abortion will advance the development of fetal surgery. There was already demand for it.
Anon
All the pro-life people I know strongly oppose research into artificial wombs or mid-pregnancy surrogacy.
They think these technologies, if they existed, would provide a loophole that would allow women to get out of being pregnant, which they have a problem with… even if the fetus is carried to term and lives. (:
Anon
(I should say the people I know who are actively, political involved in pro-life movements, who are the only ones I’ve discussed this with. But I think it’s those kinds of activists who are the ones setting the legislative and funding agenda for the movement.)
Anon
@12:36 because pregnancy is the punishment for having s3x.
When do they start punishing men for the same?
Nora
I have a rare genetic condition where I have to be on birth control for numerous medical reasons my whole life, and can carry a pregnancy, but would have to use a donor egg. I live in NY so hopefully it’ll be alright but I’m really wondering about the prenatal research field
Anon
I am not one of the people who underestimates what this could mean but no – those are not going away, for the simple reason that they have purposes other than determining whether to terminate. My DD had a congenital heart condition that we discovered on a scan, which meant that the neonatal surgery team could be standing when she was born.
This is much more likely to dramatically impact the fertility industry – both in terms of freezings embryos and having the option of implanting multiple embryos with the option to terminate if they all “take”.
Anon
Sharing this as I know I’m not the only person here dealing with hair loss.
I’ve posted the story here before, but – after noticing substantial hair loss in the early stages of the pandemic in 2020 and going to the dermatologist, I was diagnosed with telogen effluvium and androgenetic alopecia and was told that the TE would resolve itself, but given that my dad and his dad were both bald and had been from an early age, the AA would not resolve and would likely worsen without treatment. I waited too long, but eventually started minoxidil in June of last year, and while my hair will never be what it was pre-loss, my hair is substantially thicker than it was before I started minoxidil, and I’m much less self-conscious about it.
I had been using the women’s 2% generic minoxidil that I had on autoship from Amazon, which was running between $26-$29 for a three-month supply. I noticed that Costco had 5% minoxidil liquid available on their website for $18 for a six-month supply. I messaged my derm through the patient portal and she confirmed that while the FDA hasn’t approved 5% liquid for women (only the 5% foam is approved), it’s completely fine and safe for women to use a 5% minoxidil solution vs. the 2% that is FDA-approved. I started the 5% about a month ago, and not only is it much cheaper, but I’m seeing some hair growth I hadn’t seen with the 2% (my loss is all in the front, in the traditional AA pattern).
Just wanted to share as I am happy to have found treatment that’s both cheaper and more effective!
Anon
Yes! I have AA as well, and I started the 5% minoxidil late last year. It has made a huge difference for me. I use the liquid— my derm said it was fine even though it’s not approved.
I’ve also been taking Viviscal Plus vitamins and using a light helmet. I’m not sure what makes a bigger difference, but I have a feeling it’s the minoxidil, though I’m going to keep doing all three just in case.
Anon
If I had it to do over, I would have just started with the 5% solution! I am seeing faster growth with that in a month than I saw in 3 months with the 2%. The main barrier in treating my hair loss has been my own denial about the problem, I swear.
Anon
Does your new growth seem to be the same texture as your hair without the Minoxidil?
Anon
Some are and some aren’t. I had an actual bald patch – like a spot the the diameter of a pencil eraser – in my front hairline prior to starting the 2% solution and that did fill in a little after six months with what they call “terminal” hairs (thick, pigmented). The majority of the regrowth is comprised of the finer, thinner “baby” hairs you usually see at your front hairline, but I color my hair and so they do fill in the sparseness after I color.
My derm told me at a follow-up appointment that “minoxidil promises hair regrowth but doesn’t promise what kind” and that most women do just see the fine/light regrowth vs a lot of terminal regrowth. I’ll take it, because I am relatively sure without the minoxidil I would need at least a topper, if not a wig, by now. And I’ll do that if it comes down to it, but would at least like to put that off if I can. My derm did say that AA kicks in for a lot of women when they are substantially into perimenopause – there’s a time period in which it really gets bad/becomes noticeable as hormones change, and then the loss rate tapers off – and it’s not likely to get much worse for me, but she has seen women continue to lose hair, to the point where they are 80-90% bald, without treatment (meaning either minoxidil, PRP or a combination). I don’t want to risk it myself.
Anon
I’m glad for you! The only reason I’m not trying this is that I have cats and a precedent of no boundaries vis a vis cats (I know it’s possible to take precautions though). I agree the Costco deal is the way to go.
Anon
Minoxidil also comes in pill form! You may have tried that or ruled it out for other reasons, but I’m just noting that in case you didn’t realize.
Anon
Does anyone use the pill form of Minoxidil? If so, how effective has it been? Any undesired hair growth in other places? Other side effects?
Anon
I had no idea! I will ask my doctor about this. Thank you!
Sybil
I started the foam 4 months ago and have been pleased. I asked my PCP about the oral and and she said in order to avoid excessive hair growth elsewhere it had to be combined with spironolactone, which she didn’t recommend for me because my blood pressure is already on the low end. She said we could revisit if/when my BP was higher.
Work
Thank you for this useful info. GOOD LUCK!
I just had a hair biopsy, and my derm initially thought I also had TE +/- ADA. Still waiting for the results. But what worries me is that after 3 months of minoxidil I can’t see any improvement and my receding front hairline is getting worse. As the hair is lost, it leaves behind a whiter skin patch, that makes it more noticeable. I shed diffusely as well.
Did your front hairline recede like that? Does minoxidil just not prevent more hair loss at this location?
My biopsy will show if I might also have frontal fibrosing alopecia. Anyone have this?
Also, minoxidil is just so unpleasant for me. I work from home, but my hair is a crunchy rats nest mess. I put it up and avoid having people see me. It is impossible to apply this stuff everywhere, every day. I am sure I am doing a terrible job, and I am not getting better at it. The thought that I have to continue this for the rest of my life is depressing. I should just cut off my long hair, but I am dread seeing what I am left with once I get rid of the length.
Sorry for complaining about such a superficial problem. But it keeps my mind off other things like the world and my upcoming uterine biopsy D&C.
Anon
I just wanted to say you shouldn’t apologize for worrying about this. Long, thick hair for women is touted as beautiful, and losing that is really hard. It’s normal to have a grieving process and to be sad.
I’m a poster above who has AA and minoxidil has worked for me. My derm said it might not work, so I think it doesn’t work for everyone, and apparently it can also stop working. In case you have only tried the foam, I find the serum MUCH easier to apply than the foam because the dropper just puts it on my scalp instead of the surrounding hair. I wanted to just put that out there in case.
But the idea that this is a lifelong solution is rough. For now, I’m not sure if I’ll do the more invasive procedures if the minoxidil stops working because of the lifetime commitment. It’s really hard.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Losing your hair can be really traumatic and upsetting and I’m sending good vibes your way.
Work
Thank you for being so kind. It is just lovely.
I have recently started buying the foam and the liquid. I use the foam at the hairline so that I am sure to cover the worst affected areas well, as the liquid was running into my face too often when I was applying there. Soon I’m going to have more hair growing out of my forehead and nose that at my hairline!
Wishing you the best with your fight. You have a really good attitude.
Anonymous
How do I think about charitable donations to local causes? I live in an affluent community with my 3 kids; DH and I have plenty of disposable income. We have acquaintances, both adult and child, that are often raising money for various good causes. There are also local charities that fairly frequently solicit donations. We are happy to contribute to all of these. Do we do a sort of flat rate amount to each cause, unless there is something that “speaks” to us? For example, I had 5 friends running the Boston Marathon doing fundraising. I donated $50 to each of their runs. There are a couple GoFundMes swirling around for worthwhile causes- I did $25 each to the ones where I only had a tangential connection and $500 to the one that seemed like it really needed it.
I’m on the email chain for hospital fundraisers, kids’ fun runs for good causes, school fundraisers, etc. A flat $X ($25? $50?) to each?
Anon
I donate $25 to any acquaintance or colleague who is fundraising for a charity, assuming it’s not something I’m morally opposed to. I’d give more like $100 to a good friend fundraising for charity. I don’t donate to GoFundMes normally, I find the whole concept off-putting.
Anonymous
I have pet causes that I make larger donations to, and I’m an Board member and officer for my key charity so that’s my big cause right now, and then I do $25 for the marathon type requests if it’s an acquaintance making a request and I like the cause, or $50 for people I know well. I also like to do donations for gifts and pet loss.
Cornellian
I’m not really in your income bracket, but used to be. I tend to give a flat amount (50 or whatever) to anyone’s personal fundraiser (like running a race for charity) and preserve my real gifting (1000+) for meaningful well-run causes I’ve researched. I’ve skipped some fundraisers I found repugnant but generally don’t screen the first group, and just write small checks to be supportive.
Walnut
+1 I have one smaller org doing super impactful work that receives the bulk of my donations and I do a flat token amount for every other random thing that comes along.
Curious
+1. I actually paid (contracted) a friend who is well versed in the local climate justice community to recommend small organizations where our larger donations would make the largest difference. I understand this is a privilege, but it was effectively a donation in and of itself, and it has paid off in spades as I see the work these lesser-known organizations do on a shoestring.
Anonymous
I do this! Philanthropic advising, or working with donors and families to help them structure their philanthropy and connect to causes most important to them.
Curious
Thank you!!! Super cool.
anon
I focus my giving on a handful of causes that are important to me because I think I can do more good if I focus. I set a generous annual charitable budget that works for me, and give a large amount to each of the same few organizations each year—they don’t even have to ask. Some are giant, some are tiny local organizations.
I approach giving when a loved one is fundraising or a member of my community is asking for help as I would a gift/helping a friend. It’s not part of my overall charitable giving strategy. I give according to our relationship, what they do for the community, and the situation.
anon at 10:45
Also, while my biggest gifts are to serve people who really need it, I include causes that directly benefit my kids as part of my annual charitable giving–regular generous gifts each year, no need for them to ask.
For example, my local schools aren’t sufficiently funded, so there’s a foundation to pay for things like the art teacher’s salary. I give a generously to that foundation and view myself as chipping in for the art teacher, not just for my own family, but also for another (there are many families that can’t afford to give to the foundation).
Senior Attorney
This, exactly. I have my “major” charities that get automatic monthly donations: Local arts organizations, local food bank, local homeless services organization, international relief organizations. Random things I treat more like gifts to the person soliciting, per your second paragraph above.
Anon
I’m a $50 donator generally. It’s enough that it seems reasonably generous but not enough that I can’t afford to donate to future events.
If it’s someone I know really well I’m in the hundreds.
Anon
What’s the best way to press tofu before cooking it? I usually either use a ton of paper towels which feels wasteful or use a kitchen towel which leaves me with a gross wet towel for several days (I don’t have an in-unit washer/dryer). Is there a better way to do this?
Anon
There are actual tofu presses! https://www.amazon.com/Tofu-Press-stylish-transform-Tofuture/dp/B01698J0RU
Or if you are lazy like me you can press it between two cutting boards over the sink. Hold the cutting boards like cymbals and gently squeeze, the moisture will drain out into the sink. This is definitely not the *best* method since it’s easy to squeeze too hard and completely mash it, and it doesn’t get as much moisture out as using a towel, but if you’re not picky it’s totally sufficient.
Cb
I have a tofu press which seems pretty effective.
Anonymous
+1
Anon
I’m not sure what outcome you are going for, but I freeze it and defrost it first, and then put something heavy on it in a strainer over the sink. That may not be the best way though.
Anon
I’ve tried this and personally don’t love what it does to the texture.
Lydia
we have an inexpensive tofu press that works well! You just pop the tofu in (it’s sized to fit a standard block of tofu) and wait a bit. I’ve also had luck with wrapping the tofu in a dish towel and putting it on a cutting board with a cast iron skillet or a couple of cookbooks on top of a plate on top of it (the plate is just to protect the cookbooks from the water being squeezed out).
Anonymous
If you do this regularly and can possibly spare the space, I bought a tofu press and it is absolutely worth it for the results.
Anon
I use a dish towel and have a small plastic bin where I can drape damp towels and dish cloths to dry and store them until laundry day. It doesn’t take up too much space. I also mostly make tofu recipes where getting all the water out doesn’t matter that much (scrambled tofu). If I was going to make more recipes where pressing tofu mattered, I’d probably get a tofu press, but I have a small kitchen and am trying to avoid more gadgets.
Davis
The way you might like best is to put the tofu between two plates and then put some heavy cans (big diced tomatoes!) on the top plate. Let that sit for a while. I usually let 10 minutes go by and then drain the liquid into the sink, and do another 10 minutes if it’s a recipe where drying is key, like frying.
I like the dishtowel method where you wrap the block of tofu in the towel and microwave for 30 seconds. Then I rewrap to move the damp area around and do another 30 seconds. I put the towel in the hamper and it’s not bad, but maybe a mini-swish with soap in the sink would work better for you.
anonshmanon
I also do the method between two plates, a can on top, and just drain a couple of times. Works for me!
Anonymous
We just have a basket we put all our kitchen rags laundry in that we wash as needed – so our tofu pressing towels just go in there. It’s up on top of the fridge and have not had any problems with grossness (however, if we lived somewhere with cockroaches, like my old apartment building in the south, I would definitely not do this).
Anonymous
I put it between two cutting boards, tip it at an angle so it can drain into the sink and then balance heavy cans on the top board.
Anon
Is there a trick to make flat work shoes not rub on your heels? I wore new flats for the first time and the back of the shoes rubbed so badly on my heels that they were bleeding within a few hours. I feel like there must be something I can put on the heel of shoes to fix this? Also, tips for buying shoes that don’t cause this problem or specific shoe recs?
Anonymous
Have you tried moleskin?
The sticky blister pads are really good at staying in place on your foot and also provide a decent barrier from the shoe.
Anne-on
This. I cut moleskin to size and leave it in the backs of my shoes that are the worst offenders. I also carry the blister band aids when I wear any leather shoes these days as my feet are soft and spoiled from wearing slippers and sneakers 99% of the time.
anon
I was also going to suggest moleskin. I have flats from Born, LifeStride and Dr. Scholls and I don’t have the heel rubbing problem.
Cat
I just proactively band-aid my heels when breaking in new flats. After the leather softens and molds to your feet, the issue disappears.
Anon
I think some of us have heel shapes that make this more of a problem than it is for other people. Once in a while new shoes will break in and stop giving me blisters, but most of the time it never gets better. After tossing lots of shoes, I’ve learned that I just can’t wear most shoes with a stiff back, unless I can wear them with socks. I’ve had problems with my Achilles tendons, so I’m extra sensitive to pressure there and I think it’s changed the shape of my heel a bit too. I also have narrow heels, so they’re prone to slipping, and none of the heel grips I’ve tried have worked all that well.
Anonymous
+1 This is me, too. Many (most?) shoes cause me heel pain at first. Some shoes with stiff backs never break in enough not to cause me heel pain.
IL
I am also this way. I have a pronounced Haglund’s deformity and it will never, ever go away. Honestly, heels work better for me than dressy flats unless the back of the flats are either low cut or very soft.
PolyD
There are heel pad cushion things that look like arcs – they stick to the shoe, along the top edge, following the curve of the heel. They provide a little cushioning and also should keep your heel from rubbing against the shoe, which causes blisters. Dr. Scholls is one brand and there’s another brand I’ve seen at Target but can’t remember the name.
Anon
Have you actually tried these? I’m the one who posted above about having narrow heels and I’ve tried a bunch of brands of these heel cushions and never found one I liked. Most come off after a few wears and the ones that stick still don’t seem to help much in keeping shoes on my feet. But if someone has a rec for ones that really work, I’d love to know.
Anonymous
+1 Another person for whom these never work. They come off the shoe, don’t provide much cushioning, and don’t actually help my heels grip the shoes. But I keep trying, in hope . . .
PolyD
Yes, I have them in almost all my shoes and they work great. That said, I have a lot of shoes so never wore the same pair multiple days in a row. If you are wearing the same shoes every day, or probably even every other day, I imagine that general use and foot sweat would make the stickers not adhere for as long.
I think they’re worth trying – they’re pretty cheap, so it’s not like it’s a big investment. And they don’t ruin the shoes or anything.
Anon
Anyone have any tips for parking a car at Newark? Looks like the economy lot at the airport might be cheapest, but there are tons of offsite options as well. Any specific recommendations or ones to avoid? (I’m coming from farther away and my only option is to drive there, no public transport/uber.)
anonymous
This Mother’s Day, I am talking with everyone in my family about abortion, and asking that they donate to funds supporting access and birth control. Not sure that anyone in my large Catholic family wants to do this, but I think it’s important for them to understand what is at risk.
Women miscarry pregnancies, and abortion access is part of that care. I was ten weeks pregnant when an ultrasound showed that the fetus had no heartbeat, and I had a D&C — a surgical abortion — the following week. The idea that I could not do so, that I would continue to be pregnant until my body naturally miscarried, was devastating to me. I was so sad and so grateful that I had access to medical care that allowed this for me, and felt the same for the two women in the hospital waiting room who were undergoing similar procedures, for similar reasons, for their 15 and 18 week pregnancies.
I don’t call it this often enough, and it makes my husband very uncomfortable to talk about it this way, but it is important. In my family, very few of the men even understand this part of abortion, and that my health would be put at risk if the law forbade this. In honoring mothers, we need to protect their health, and respect their lives as well.
[email protected]
Catholic hospitals perform D&Cs for women who miscarry. When there is no heartbeat on the US or the heartbeat has gone away, there is no question that the D&C is not an abortion and it is performed and covered by insurance.
Signed,
Been there, done that, twice
Anon
I’m so sorry you went through that.
As a point of clarification, I believe the OP is talking more about the new laws that will probably pass in some states, rather than insurance or care that is available in Catholic hospitals.
Anonymous
Unless you die from sepsis waiting for the heartbeat to stop when multiple doctors agree the pregnancy is non viable and the heart is not functioning properly.
The scenario you describe is literally what made Ireland change its laws. Women died in Catholic hospitals waiting for care.
Anon
Yup.
Anon
Savita died from failures at the hospital. They didn’t note the signs of sepsis on her chart, continued to not note the signs of sepsis, didn’t communicate to the head doctor, and didn’t test her soon enough.
Now, I tend to think that they should have induced, but let’s be clear about the exact nature of her death.
Anonymous
WTF? She died of sepsis because she was refused proper treatment.
Seventh Sister
I’ve got good insurance and I live in a city with a number of nondenominational hospitals and some d*mn fine Jewish hospitals. I’ll take my chances at those instead, as long as I’m conscious.
Anon
Has anyone successfully pulled themselves out of a workout rut? How did you do it? I’ve been a consistent exerciser for years but over that last year I’ve had such a hard time motivating myself to workout. I’m now out of shape, ten pounds heavier than I’d like to be, and just don’t feel good. I can’t seem to get myself back into it though. I keep trying to just make myself do it but that’s not working. Any creative ideas?
anon
I think the first thing is to find something you enjoy doing. Even if it’s just going for a walk. Try doing that a few times a week and see if it inspires you to do more physical activity.
I enjoy doing workout videos at home and use Fitness Blender. I recently signed up for their FBPlus option and they have lots of one and two week challenges. I like having my videos already picked out for me each day, so all I have to do is get dressed and play the video.
Also, start small. You don’t have to do something every day. Commit to just 2-3 times a week until it becomes a regular habit.
Anon
For me it was making a concerted effort to not drive. By cycling and walking for transportation, I’m getting my workouts in doing everyday things. I still do some exercise for exercise’s sake, but when I don’t have time or don’t feel like it, it’s no biggie because I’ve already ridden/walked/jogged some amount in my normal activities.
Anonymous
Start with a daily walk. 30 minutes. Try listening to a podcast. Get in that habit and then use it as a springboard.
Anonymous
I had a really tough pandemic and and had a baby. Im scared to get on the scale. Walking for an hour a day, 5-6 days a week has done wonders for me. I know eventually I’ll have to do more but the consistency piece is everything. I can’t go from zero to deadlifts right now.
Anon
I’ve found that instead of going back to what I used to do, which was discouraging, to find a new activity to start on. That has helped me focus more on gains in the new activity versus lost ability in the old activity.
For example I was very into rock climbing pre-pandemic. Now I suck at climbing and it has been so hard to get back into it because I’m so discouraged by how much I’ve backslid. I’ve started doing an at home lifting program and am seeing tons of progress with that, which is making it much easier to stick to.
Anon
Lowering my standards helps me a lot. I’m not going to go right back to the workout I was doing when I was at peak shape and knowing that discouraged me from doing anything. But when I’m a little easier on myself and can give myself credit for *any* workout, it’s a lot easier to get to the gym or the pool and then easier to get back into the routine.
Explorette
When I’m coming up with excuses why I can skip the workout, I tell myself those are my fat cells trying to convince me to not kill them.
Shelle
Ha! I have to manage what I call my inner five year old… who is a real brat!
Senior Attorney
My husband got me a Fitbit for Christmas and it was a game-changer for me. Getting those steps in, and those elevated-heartrate minutes, has been a great motivator! And yes, listen to podcasts while walking!
Anon
I have to do something I enjoy. For me, that’s walking/hiking or dancing. I don’t bother with official workout videos, just put on a playlist of music that makes me want to dance and do it for 20-40 minutes. According to my fitbit, I’m getting a pretty good workout and it’s way easier to motivate myself to do that that something where people are telling me what to do.
Annnon
I like routine and programs. I’m using aaptiv and they have a number of programs. Every MWF I have the workout scheduled. Somehow there’s less inertia to overcome because I don’t really have to choose anything.
Anonymous
I don’t have an answer, just commiseration. I’m in the same spot. I’ve tried most everything suggested here that I can – new activity, walking more, telling myself not to make excuses – and none of it is enough to overcome the rut. I abandon everything eventually. I’m just trying to hang in there until a magic switch flips in my brain, the same way it did when I woke up one day and my brain decided I was done exercising. I think all these answers are discounting the force of the kind of rut I, at least, am in.
Peloton
Bribe yourself. After every run, I get a coffee out if I want it. I won’t get out of the house out of discipline, but I sure will out of a desire for that coffee.
Peloton
Oh, and god, whatever I do, I do not attempt to make a schedule or a habit. The stake is “can I do it today,” nothing more.
Anon
Anyone have any tips for parking a car at Newark? Looks like the economy lot at the airport might be cheapest, but there are tons of offsite options as well. Any specific recommendations or ones to avoid? (I’m coming from farther away and my only option is to drive there, no public tr*nsport/uber.)
BeenThatGuy
I use The Parking Spot (Haynes location). Super easy and well priced. There’s a discount if you pay when you book. And there’s an app that’s easy to use.
Anon
Thank you!!
Anon
I’ve been asked to be on the local board of a local org that works with youth. There is a national org and national board that works on a lot of policies, etc. I think it’s mainly a fundraising board, but they do do other work (auditing, some local policies, some other things, oversee local staff, etc.). Do I, as a potential board member need to worry about getting sued as a board member (or do they have insurance for that, the way there is D&O insurance)? What questions should I be asking? Since they work with youth, I’m a bit scared that at some point, rightly or wrongly, they will get sued for a Penn State sort of situation and I’d be sued along with them. Can I get my own insurance to cover me as a board member? If so, what is that called? In case it matters, it’s a volunteer position for a 501c3 org and we even pay for our own lunches at meetings.
Anonymous
Yes, you’re right to be concerned. Your local org should have D&O coverage for you as a Board member. Make sure it’s renewed annually.
Anon.
This. – Signed, your friendly D&I insurance broker.
Anon
You can definitely ask those questions of the organization-that would not be unusual, and they are legitimate concerns.
Protest Slogans
I’m not able to protest this weekend but thought it might be fun to make a thread of ideas for sign slogans. So far I’ve come up with:
– MANDATORY VASECTOMIES 4 ALL
– INAUGURAL FORCED MOTHERS DAY
– I just want the same rights as a corpse
Cornellian
I saw a “snip, snip or shut your lips!” one which I thought was clever.
Also “regulate yourself, not women’s health”
Anon
My husband waited until marriage (mid 30s). Why should he be snipped?
Anon
Why should I not be able to access an abortion?
Anonymous
He shouldn’t! He also doesn’t get a say in a woman’s self determination.
Anon
Hahahahaha, bullsh*t
Anon
Slow clap. These are awesome.
Anon
Big yikes. There is no need for mandatory vascectomies. If you don’t want to have sex with an unclipped man, don’t have sex with an unclipped man. I’m not sure why 150 million men need surgery to solve your problems.
Anonymous
Ugh stop it with this anti-women BS
Anon
But it is a good point.
Look – I am100% pro-choice; I always vote D and I always vote, even when I do not love the candidate. I am horrified by the upcoming overturning of Roe. I am not minimizing it in any way.
BUT: These are slogans that appeal to people whose minds are made up. They play really well to the adamantly pro-choice crowd. They are not going to do a d*m thing to influence the three groups we need to influence (people on the fence; people who are pro-choice but do not think it is important enough to get them to vote pro-choice or vote at all; and people who are pro-life but disagree with laws preventing IUDs, D&Cs for missed miscarriages, or that force women to carry nonviable pregnancies or who think abortion should be legal in the first 15 weeks, etc.). And in fact it is right up there with arguing that a women should be allowed to terminate a healthy pregnancy at 35 weeks just because she feels like it (which never actually happens so why defend it??). It is counterproductive to the goals we are trying to achieve.
I understand you are angry. I am angry. But we need to be strategic with our anger.
Anon
I disagree that slogans like this are useless. Oftentimes, protests or other mass gatherings are a means to fire up people who already support your cause to entice them into further action. So, sometimes carrying a sign with a message like this gets people who are already on your side more firmly there or it gets them excited about the cause for whatever reason. Those people can then go out and share their stories or information in a more measured way to people who are on the fence and to policy makers, etc.
Anon
It’s a joke
Anon
Hi that’s why the sign is effective parody. It shows the ridiculousness of legislating someone’s body and healthcare.
Anon @ 1:49
Like requiring vaccination? Or outlawing conversion therapy? Or requiring health care workers to be licensed?
Look – again – I agree with you. But we need to be logically consistent.
Anon
Please just stop it with this, you’re embarrassing yourself.
anonshmanon
This again? Who is putting you in jail for refusing a vaccine?
Anonymous
there’s no logic with the liberal abortion idiots
Aunt Jamesina
A government so small it fits inside your uterus
PolyD
Tell me about what to wear for headshots. I’m having one taken Tuesday. I work somewhere very casual, so I will not be wearing a suit. I know what colors work on me, and I think it’s a better idea to wear solids than prints, right? Mostly I’m wondering about necklines – from what I can tell, the picture will be from maybe slightly below the top of the shoulders up. Also jewelry – I could get away with something dangling because we skew more bohemian than formal at my office, but maybe studs would be better (I have some labradorite studs with a gold edge on them). Are necklaces good or does it depend on the neckline of the top?
I’m very good at dressing myself in real life but generally don’t like how I look in photos. I had a headshot done years ago, but I’m hoping to pick up some tips so I actually like the photo this time!
Anne-on
I look best in saturated colors or jewel tones, my last two headshots I’ve work aubergine and hunter green. Necklaces very much depend on the neckline of what you’re wearing. Most women at my company tend to wear a sheath dress with an interesting neckline (like the Fold style dresses), or a chanel style blazer over a shell – sometimes with a scarf or a statement necklace to add color/brightness to their face. If you’re in a more casual industry a silky blouse would also be good I’d think. I’d get your hair blown out and wear a bit more makeup (especially blush and brows) than you normally would. I didn’t do my brows in my last headshot and I regret it.
PolyD
Thanks – sounds like I should try a few shirts to see how the neckline falls on me. I’m not going to get a blow out – I like how my hair looks when I do it myself, it’s pretty easy to do and it’s just not our workplace’s culture to have very “done” hair. I’m lucky that my brows are quite dark and full, but I will definitely pay attention to blush.
Senior Attorney
In my favorite head shots I’m wearing a deep magenta v-neck dress, pearl stud earrings, and diamond pendant solitaire necklace on a gold chain.
Anonymous
How do I open a bank account and get a credit card in another country? Do I have to actually go there? Are there tax issues?
I’m in the US and concerned about my right to continue to hold my own property. It wasn’t that long ago that women couldn’t even have a credit card or bank account in their own name, and we seem to be backsliding to that era. I’m considering dropping some cash, maybe like $50k, into a Canadian bank account, just in case; it’s just sitting in a savings account in the US so it doesn’t seem like there would be much difference in it sitting in an account in Canada. I’d like a Canadian credit card too, also just in case. Is that possible?
Curious
I had a bank account in the Netherlands for a while, because I lived there, but I had to be physically present and show residency to get it. I wonder if a UK bank like Barclay’s might allow you to open an online account sight unseen? There are also US branches of BMO (bank of Montreal).
anonshmanon
A lot of banks (including US banks) will only take residents or permanent residents as customers. It’s legal in many places to offer banking services for foreigners, but there is extra compliance hassle that some banks want to skip. And then there is Capital One that told me to just perjure myself because their forms demanded everyone to be a permanent resident, I was not, but they still wanted my business.
Cornellian
I’ve only opened an account in three other countries (denmark, russia and germany) but I think at all three I had to prove residency (since I’m not a citizen).
Anonymous
Honestly? This is insanity. Please take a reality check, and remind yourself that this is not Saudi Arabia or Afghanistan.
Anon
+1
What’s happening is bad, but you’re catastrophizing
anon
I think this is a crazy idea, but I can answer your question –
For Canada, I was required to physically travel to Canada to open an account in 2012. I did not need to establish residency, which I didn’t have at the time. (This was done in preparation to move to Canada.)
A Canadian online bank may be willing to open an account for you remotely, I don’t know – Tangerine is very reputable.
Anonymous Canadian
https://www.exiap.com/guides/how-to-open-a-bank-account-in-canada-from-the-us#:~:text=Typically%20most%20Canadian%20banks%20will,bank%20will%20typically%20ask%20for.
I wish I could say I thought you were overreacting, but at this point watching things in your country I just can’t. Hope this might assist.
Anon
With regards to the tax question, you are required to disclose the account on your federal taxes if it has more than $10,000. There is not a tax implication, but there is a fine for not disclosing
Curious
I just would like to reiterate what I mentioned up thread: Those who have shared their stories and concerns have moved my reaction to the Roe leak from “we will manage” to feeling sick and outraged. I truly wasn’t educated on abortion and have always been a lukewarm pro-choice, donating a small amount to PP because I felt like I should. I think I’m closer to getting it now. So thank you for speaking up in your pain, and I’m sorry it took me this long.
Cornellian
Yay! I went through the same process ten years ago. I never thought anyone else should be involved in the decision, but didn’t understand why non-raped/underage/etc people would ever get one.
Monday
I recommend the book Pro by Katha Politt. It really helped me expand and clarify my thinking on the issue in the way you are describing here.
Curious
Thank you! Added to my list.
Senior Attorney
Let’s hear it for changing your opinion when confronted with new information!
Anon
Honestly, thank you so much for saying this.
It has been my personal mission this week to share facts and validate the fear, anger, and grief people are feeling in a kind way. I just spent an entire hour in therapy talking about how I feel helpless. My therapist suggested I keep sharing in a kind way to the extent it felt healthy and safe to do so. Coming out and reading that this type of information helped a real, actual person is indescribable.
Curious
Thank you so much for doing the work.
Anonymous
I saw a post on social media condeming “apologists” for telling stories that humanize women and provide context for their decisions, on the grounds that bodily integrity is an absolute right that doesn’t require any explanation. I agree about bodily integrity, but the evolution of your thinking illustrates why women need to keep telling their stories.
Anonymous
*condemning
Aunt Jamesina
Yes. In a perfect world, we wouldn’t need “humanizing” stories because were humans worthy of dignity and privacy. But we don’t live in that world. I don’t think any one person owes society their story, but I hope those who can will.
Aunt Jamesina
We’re*
Anon
I agree 100000%. I believe in freedom to obtain an abortion for any reason. I believe in freedom to obtain a late-term abortion, even. However, I know that there are persuadable people who can’t go that far with me without some understanding of personal stories and why freedom of access is important. I can’t say to my persuadable but very Baptist aunt, “I don’t care if people use abortion as birth control.” But it might get her closer to my side if I say, “I know someone who had to get an abortion at 18 weeks because the anatomy scan found that the baby didn’t have a brain.”
Anon
Yeah you will definitely lose me if you shift the argument from “freedom to terminate pregnancy” (yes) to “freedom to terminate pregnancy AND terminate the life of any resulting offspring even if totally viable.” That is a totally different claim in my view.
Anon
Right. That’s what I said!
To explain my position a bit— it’s for the reasons articulated way up thread. Women are not carrying pregnancies into the third trimester because they’re undecided or because the condom broke. Those are very wanted pregnancies and something has gone tragically wrong in a way that I hope neither of us ever experience. I don’t feel comfortable legislating that situation.