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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 226 Comments · by

Coffee Break – Old Time Candy

Coffee Break

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Last December I used a lot of Coffee Breaks for gift ideas, and I thought I'd continue that tradition this year. For today's coffee break, I thought I'd mention Old Time Candy, a website that sells “retro candy.” They specialize in decade birthdays (Happy 60th! Here's a selection of candy from the 1950s!) but I think this kind of thing would be a fun stocking stuffer. They have a huge selection of Christmas candy (including Holiday Sugar Babies) and Hanukkah candy, and it's kind of crazy to look through the “pre-1920s candy” selection (who knew Butterfingers had been around so long?). Old Time Candy (L-all)  

Sales of note for 9.16.24

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Comments

  1. K...in transition

    I miss grape flavored bubble tape gum!

    Just a thought since so many have commented in other posts about feeling stupid or wasteful of their years when a long relationship doesn’t work out.

    What if you look at things differently?

    Instead of thinking of it as a “wasted 5 or 10 years” where you were “stupid,” what if this relationship was meant to happen for this amount of time but only this amount of time? What if, had you not been with this guy, 3 years ago or 2 years ago, some scam artist would have come into your life and you’d have dated him and he’d have drained your bank account or robbed your house or something? Or what if, had you not been dating this guy for these 5 or 10 or however many years, you’d have not learned a life lesson you’ll need in order to make your next amazing relationship successful?

    Or what if your right fit needed the past 4 years to become the right person for you and, had you not been with this guy (and if you don’t leave this bad relationship), you’d miss out on him?

    sure, there’s no way to prove these things as true, but there’s also no way to know they’re not ;)

    • Ellen

      You are right. I DID learn alot from my failed releationship’s that OFTEN I do NOT consider. I now know (but did NOT before) that I do NOT want to marry someone who perfer’s the bottle over me. I also learned that I want a guy who will put ME first, not his own need’s. I also have learned that looks are not important, b/c they fade over time. If anyone want’s to read a great article, there is one in YESTERDAY’s NY TIMES called New Love: A short Shelf Life. If you do NOT subscribe (I do), here is the link.

      http://www.nytimes.com/2012/12/02/opinion/sunday/new-love-a-short-shelf-life.html?pagewanted=all

      I recomend everyone in the HIVE read it before you think the next guy will be so great. There is alot of difference between the stage’s of love, and the hottest guy’s are NOT hot once you have had them. So I do NOT care even to look for hot any more. I want a guy who will care for me, bring me breakefast in bed, and do my laundrey. In turn, I will DO the same for him if he want’s me to. THAT, my freind’s is what true love is all about. I do NOT want a looser who is hot, just a nice guy who will suport me as I support him. Yay!

    • Research, Not Law

      “Or what if your right fit needed the past 4 years to become the right person for you and, had you not been with this guy (and if you don’t leave this bad relationship), you’d miss out on him?”

      My husband and I each have a relationship with which we had to make peace, and that’s essentially how we do it. We both relocated for our respective previous relationships and made career decisions that we otherwise likely would not have – which would have most likely meant we never would have met. We’re so grateful that we did, we can accept the bad that happened before.

      I *know* we appreciate each other because of our previous partners and learned from our mistakes, too.

    • zora

      ok, this is SO CHEESY ;o) But i’ve been thinking about this topic, and have been thinking about this since you posted it, AND i was listening to Into the Woods in my car all weekend, and the lyrics of the finale hit me so hard!

      I have always obsessed about regrets: failed relationships, how i got stuck in a dead end job, not planning a career path, and just feeling like doing something wrong means I am ‘wrong’ forever.

      But this conversation and these lyrics from Into the Woods are making me realize I can think about it differently! One moment or one year or one relationship doesn’t have to define my whole life. I can think of it as a tough time i had to go through, but can use to learn something and make a better time in between “trips into the woods.” ….. Ok, this is sounding so cheesy, and the lyrics are, too, but really this is feeling very epiphany-ish right now in my head. :o)

      And, I love this place for changing my life in so many ways! Love you, K!

      • zora

        Into the woods
        You go again,
        You have to
        Every now and then.
        Into the woods,
        No telling when,
        Be ready for the journey.

        Into the woods
        You have to grope,
        But that’s the way
        You learn to cope.
        Into the woods
        To find there’s hope
        Of getting through the journey.

        Into the woods-
        Each time you go,
        There’s more to learn
        Of what you know.

        • Susan (edna_mode_nyc)

          I love “Into the Woods,” and I think Stephen Sondheim’s a genius. The lyrics are wise, witty, and often funny and the music fits the words (and vice versa!)

          • zora

            Right?!?! :o)
            And so deep…. I keep getting more out of Into the Woods the more I listen to it. Sunday in the Park with George is my other favorite.

    • anonymous

      Agree. More generally speaking … you can only spend so much time lamenting or regretting what has already happened, no matter how bad it was. Much better to make peace with it, either in the manner you suggest – turning it on its head into a positive – or just, accepting that life has ups and downs and the less time we spend obsessing over the downs, the more we can enjoy and create more ups.

    • LadyEnginerd

      It is hard to be at peace or think of it like that when you are in the thick of things. For background, you may recall my fiance dumped me out of the blue Friday night. I grew as a person in the time we were together and we have a lot of happy memories together, etc etc, but I am terrified that by taking three years (and an engagement) instead of three months for our relationship fail, I won’t find a life partner before my fertility declines.

      In general, you’re only wasting time on something if there’s a deadline that you might miss (going to a concert? great! going to a concert when you have a paper due? wasting time). I’m irrationally worried that by spending those years with him, I won’t have the time left to have my life turn the way I’ve dreamed it would (marriage with biological children). It isn’t necessarily going to happen that way, but the emotions I’m feeling with regards to wasting time are very different now at 28 than they were at 24.

      • Leigh

        I just saw this in the weekend thread. I am so sorry :( I am in So. Cal, and am in the Central Coast pretty often. Are you closer to San Luis Obispo or Santa Barbara? I know how hard it is to survive a breakup without friends.

        • LadyEnginerd

          Santa Barbara, but will happily hop in the car to San Luis Obispo (my colleagues call it heaven on earth). My anon email is quincely at rocketmail dot com. I’m just trying to stay busy and slog through the worst of it.

          He gchatted me at work to check in with me and make sure I am ok. The nerve! I told him that was inappropriate and that he can set up a brief phone call after work hours if he wishes to talk with me (I need to negotiate the custody agreement for his suede jacket – donate or return?). This nice guy delusion that it’s ok for him to check in with me/comfort me when he’s the source of my heartbreak is an insidious cousin of “let’s be friends.” No, you are not my friend if you let your family throw us an engagement dinner a week before you dump me without giving me fair warning or bringing us in to counseling.

          • Susan (edna_mode_nyc)

            *hugs* And good for you for setting boundaries.

            +1 for “nice guy delusion”

          • zora

            Ugh, that is the WORST!!! My Big Breakup guy did that, too, and I completely lost it. What is going through their heads that they think that is a good idea!! rawr.

            I kind of went off on him, but he did hear my central message of “No, you do not get to contact me in any way, ever. At All. Ever.” Of course this was after all of the ‘stuff’ had been dealt with, but wow, i still remember how horrible that felt. :o( Huggss!!

            The Bay Area is a little far for hanging out, but if you want an email/IM penpal, I’m zoradances at the g00gle. we can commiserate, or I can just distract you to talk about tv shows and send you gifs and silly internet things ;o) So Many Internet Hugs, and hang in there!!

      • Anon for this

        Sorry to hear about the break up. and Hugs!!

        Can I just say that your fertility options at 28 are probably just fine? When I was 18 I thought that I’d be married and with my 2 children (or at least 1) by 30, but more and more I’m aware of so many women who have healthy children way past 35.. into the late 40s!

        • LadyEnginerd

          Yeah, part of me knows that, and my doctor friends have told me I’m disproportionately freaking out. At 24, that wasn’t even a thought on my radar. At 28, I start to worry that if my intuition was so off that I was blindsided by the end of my engagement, I might indeed fritter away 1-2 years at a time on other relationships until I’m out of time.

          The ghost of advanced maternal age is a spooky one and the fact it’s in the not-so-far future scares me regardless of “facts”.

      • anon

        So sorry to hear your break up. I know the fertility thing can be scary (and I so hear you on feeling differently about it at 28 than 24) but 28 is really comparatively young. You easily have 10+ child-bearing years ahead of you and you could meet someone and be engaged (or even married) within a year or two. There’s been lots of discussion on here about how relationships go faster in your 30s.

        I’m sure its hard to look on the bright side now, but you really dodged a bullet. Imagine how much messier things would be if you had married the guy and a couple of years from now you were ending a marriage instead of an engagement, with all the complications that come with that, like shared finances and possibly children. 28 is really, in the big scheme of things, so young. Hopefully soon you’ll start feeling grateful that you got out when you did and without anything permanently tying you to this guy.

        • LadyEnginerd

          Thanks so much for the reassurance. I’m not feeling logical right now, so I appreciate the reality check. I think it will take more than two days to reach the “dodged a bullet” stage, and few months (when I’m ready to date again) to stop freaking about NOT having kids and instead start freaking out about unplanned pregnancies again like I used to in the good old days! (man, that sounds crazy. I promise I’m not usually this much of a ladyparts hypochondriac).

          In case anyone is wondering, I have already secured an appointment with a therapist. I clearly have a lot of things to process, and need proper supervision for the introspection I need to move forward.

          • GlassSpider

            LadyE, just caught this — I’m so so sorry to hear about this. Good for you for setting boundaries and knowing what you need to do to take care of yourself right now.

            You’re perfectly entitled to be emotionally mixed up and irrational right now. A huge aspect of your plans for your life just turned around, and even though rational you may know that things will settle and hope and better things will come, it’s way too soon to get there. You get time to grieve and be angry, time to work to realign your world.

            I’m not in CA anymore, or I’d buy you a drink.

      • No longer waiting for a proposal

        I can of course relate. I’m 27 so we are probably having a lot of similar thoughts on fertility, but that’s part of the reason I ended my relationship. Better to end things after 4 or 6 years rather than wait until you are older and then your fertility really declines. Also, one of my friends ended her marriage at 31 because she figured she could start all over at that age and we can certainly start all over at 27/28! I think we’ll be fine and even happy in the end.

      • eek

        I’m really sorry for all the pain you are feeling right now. Please take care of yourself and if you can just try to get through every day one day at a time and know that lots of people are thinking of you.

    • cbackson

      I think that for me, well…I don’t believe that things are “meant to be.” When I was getting divorced, the absolutely most infuriating thing people would say to me was, “everything happens for a reason.” That is true in that there is causation in fact, by definition, for everything that happens. But sometimes that causation is “my ex-boyfriend is commitment phobic” or “I got married too young” or “that driver had one cocktail too many before getting behind the wheel.”

      I don’t believe in predestination. I don’t believe that God has a Plan (in any human sense that we’re capable of understanding). And I don’t believe that every bad thing that happens in life is sent by Jesus or Buddha or the Universe to teach us a lesson.

      Here’s an example: I was deeply eating disordered for many years of my life. Did I learn things? Yes. If I could spare that nine-year-old bulimic child the pain she was experiencing, would I? Yes.

    • cbackson

      Hm, apparently I am stuck in moderation. Trying again:

      I think that for me, well…I don’t believe that things are “meant to be.” When I was getting divorced, the absolutely most infuriating thing people would say to me was, “everything happens for a reason.” That is true in that there is causation in fact, by definition, for everything that happens. But sometimes that causation is “my ex-boyfriend is commitment phobic” or “I got married too young” or “that driver had one c*cktail too many before getting behind the wheel.”

      I don’t believe in predestination. I don’t believe that God has a Plan (in any human sense that we’re capable of understanding). And I don’t believe that every bad thing that happens in life is sent by Jesus or Buddha or the Universe to teach us a lesson.

      Here’s an example: I was deeply eating disordered for many years of my life. Did I learn things? Yes. If I could spare that nine-year-old bulimic child the pain she was experiencing, would I? Yes.

      I will add, on further reflection since drafting the version of this comment that got stuck in moderation: I do think there’s a lot of value in focusing on the positive aspects of a terrible experience. As I’ve commented here before, I generally find regret to be an unproductive emotion.

      That said, I think there’s actually something important about acknowledging that suffering comes to all of us, and that it comes without purpose, aim, or hidden meaning. Rain falls upon the evil and the good alike. Or as a wise man put it: Life is pain, highness. We may learn. We may simply endure.

      • Charlotte Peloux

        Cosign all of this. You’re one of my favorite posters, cbackson, and this post is one of the examples of why. Thank you for this.

  2. midlevel

    San Francisco ‘r e t t e s… I am looking for a new house cleaner. Please post if you have any recommendations – thank you in advance!

    • another anon

      How much do you pay? I’m also in the bay area and my cleaner charges $65 for a large 1 bed/1 bath (800 sq feet) every other week. I’m not super satisfied and I’m looking for someone else, so I’m trying to get a handle on whether what I pay currently is high, low or average.

      • anon

        For Roses, we pay $90 for 1000 sq ft. 2/1 on the peninsula. 2-3 people come for 2-3 hours every other week.

  3. Cb

    Mmm…now I want chico sticks!

    Hart of Dixie viewers: I want Lemon’s bird dress. Is this custom made for her or can I too own a dress with fat little robins on it?

    • AnotherLadyLawyer

      Is THAT what those were? Was watching with friends and we kept pausing the DVR to figure out what on earth they were (we probably all need glasses). Totally adorable dress, but we just couldn’t figure it out. Good luck finding it!!

      • Cb

        Delicious! But so hard to find. I prefer the mini ones. Here’s hoping there are some in my Christmas box.

  4. K...in transition

    In the mood to play a game…

    The greatest compliment someone ever gave me was: ___________________.

    The best compliment ever given to me was when my closest friend growing up asked if it’d be ok if her daughters called me “aunt.” I’ve never been so honored, especially since she doesn’t have siblings and I’m not close with mine.

    In terms of words, this past September, I did an interview with an international magazine and, unbeknownst to me, they contacted some people for quotes about me. Reading what people chose to say and have published about what an amazing person they think I am is a feeling I’ll always hold and, to be honest, there are still days I reread those interviews and feel like I’ve survived the day because of those quotes!

    YOUR TURN!

    • karenpadi

      The greatest compliment someone ever gave me was: that I’m a great mentor within my firm!

      This year, the feedback from my fellow associates was along the lines of “great teacher”/ “very clear feedback”-type stuff. I was blushing!

      Lil’ ol’ me: the “black sheep” of my “teacher” family because I didn’t go into education–suddenly praised for her teaching-ish skills.

    • Research, Not Law

      You’re children are so well behaved.

      From someone without children. I still glow when I think about it.

      • Research, Not Law

        Blerg. *YOUR*. Why do I never get a “posting too quickly” error when I have a typo???

      • Diana Barry

        I got that one once – I treasure that memory! (Hard to think about it when all the kids are crying at once, though!)

      • CKB

        I’ve got that one on occasion too. Makes me feel like we’re doing a pretty good job as parents.

      • Megs

        My mom will stop at tables at a restaurant and compliment parents on their children, if the children are young and have been sitting quietly without “tech support” (an iPad, phone, or the like).

        I asked her about it once, and she just said, “Sometimes you need to hear that as a parent.”

    • Legally Brunette

      Not the greatest compliment I’ve ever received, but it’s up there (and I just heard this on Friday, so it’s fresh in my memory).

      You’re the most attractive pregnant woman that I have ever seen. I’ve been watching you and you are just stunning. (said by an older secretary at my law firm).

      Made my day/week! Feels good considering that I’ve gained 25 pounds!

    • Diana Barry

      Best compliment from a client: “You are a saint”.

      Favorite compliment, lately, from my DD: “Mommy, this is the best dinner in the world!” :)

    • De

      “I’ve been with [firm] for seventeen years, [De] was the best intern I’ve ever had.”

    • WestCoast Lawyer

      When I was 19 and waiting tables, a customer told me “I know this probably isn’t what you plan on doing for the rest of your life, but you’ve done a great job and I appreciate it.” It’s always reminded me that, even when I was doing a job I didn’t necessarily enjoy, it’s worth putting in your best effort because someone will notice.

    • NOLA

      For me, it’s that my teenage nephews (now 15 and 16) still want to be close to me and hang out. We are totally stupid together and I love hanging out with them, too!

    • Kontraktor

      I can think of 2 that have always stuck with me.

      1) Was sitting down in a theater chair on a date and he looked at me and said, “I just want to say that you have the prettiest feet I have ever seen and I love how you’ve had your nails done.” Some people might find that creepy but I thought it was so nice and attentive that he paid attention to my toe nails/pedi since that’s the sort of thing most men never notice (it seems).

      2) I have some weird skin issues, and awhile ago had some somewhat yucky scars on my back. This was early on in my relationship with now husband. I said something apologizing for my scars. Now husband responded (completely sweetly and genuinely/not in a cheesey way), “No, they are beautiful- you’re my angel so they just show where your wings were from when G-d sent you down to me.”

      There are a couple nice work ones I have, I suppose, but colleage opinion can be so fickle sometimes, so I guess I put less stock into compliments received in work situations.

    • JK

      My boss wrote a recommendation for me which said I was one of his best clerks ever, which was fantastic, but the better part was that he also said “JK has a great sense of humor and works well with everyone, but she takes her work seriously.” This is how I have always STRIVED to be seen at work- someone who works hard and is at work to WORK, but ya know, not with a stick up my ass!– so when I saw that he saw me this way, I was thrilled.

    • hellskitchen

      “That was the nicest rejection letter I have ever received.” I was in HR at that point

    • MaggieLizer

      “You have beautiful skin,” from a lady at the Laura Mercier counter, when I had NO MAKE UP on!

      I’ve had a complex about my skin since middle school, in no small part because some overly critical family members would harp on it. Even though it’s long since mostly cleared up, it’s an ongoing battle (made better by the Paula’s Choice recs here, thanks ladies!), and it really made my life to get such a nice compliment about something I’ve been self conscious about for so long!

    • zora

      i couldn’t think of one, but just remembered one that happened at the annual evaluation/planning meeting for the program I run, my first meeting, 6 months after I had started my job. We started with the board doing a Plus/Delta evaluation of the program over the last year, and when asked for the first Plus, one board member said “Zora!” And then the board applauded. That was kind of nice. ;o)

    • kerrycontrary

      “you’re such a free spirit. you don’t see it, but everyone else does”–said to me by a girl I barely knew in a moment of drunken clarity, but when I told my friends they all agreed.

    • Herbie

      A relatively well-known plaintiffs lawyer told my supervising partner I was “a real pistol” after a particularly contentious deposition. Not the best compliment I’ve ever received, but I still grin when I think about it.

      • sadie

        Ok, so this was said to me by a likely drunk man at a renaissance fair, but he was really old and really sincere in one of those “are you crazy or a prophet?” kind of ways, so it didn’t seem weird, just really sweet and off-the-wall in a genuine way. I was just waiting for my plate of bread and cheese (really) and out of the blue he goes “you…you are just here, and you’re an angel unaware”. Then he wandered off.

    • meara

      The weirdest compliment I ever got–I was at the hairdresser and she was cutting the back of my hair very short, and one of the other hairdressers walked by and said “Wait, you’re not going to change that are you? She has the best hairline there, it’s perfect!” I have no idea what a perfect hairline looks like and don’t ever look at mine (and have longer hair now), but hey…

  5. anon

    Our first anniversary is next weekend. It’s been a very tough first year, with periods of unemployment, depression, deaths in the family, long hours at work, and beginning the process of learning how to be married. Still haven’t figured out that last part yet. Isn’t marriage supposed to be easy, fun, good most of the time? I still don’t know how to be married. And due to a chaotic upbringing and lack of role models, I am not good at gift giving or being thoughtful. What to do/give? Something that says thanks for hanging in there and supporting me/us, it’s been a tough year for both of us at times, but there were also some really good parts amidst the stress and hardships, and things will continue to get better and I’ll work to make that happen and I know you will, too.

    • Anon

      “Something that says thanks for hanging in there and supporting me/us, it’s been a tough year for both of us at times, but there were also some really good parts amidst the stress and hardships, and things will continue to get better and I’ll work to make that happen and I know you will, too.”

      Write this in a heartfelt card, and give it to him. Seriously. And then maybe go out for a nice dinner.

      • Mpls

        First anniversary is (traditionally) paper, right? So that fits right in. Or a reprint of the vows you exchanged, if you did something special (or even if you didn’t) to hang somewhere, or keep in your wallet or purse as a reminder.

      • CW

        Second this. My first anniversary wasn’t nearly as hard as yours sounds, but it had its ups and downs. I wrote DH a card, and it made him teary. (Plus, if you’re into the whole idea of “traditional anniversary gifts,” the first anniversary is supposed to be a paper gift.)

        • anon

          This sounds so dumb, but men like cards too? I thought that was just me/women who liked cards.

          • CW

            I actually generally hate cards. I hate the obligation of buying them for birthdays, easter, baby showers, etc. I frequently forget to send cards or buy for momentous occasions (births, weddings, etc.) — although I’m getting better the older I get. The only cards that I’ve fully embraced are Christmas cards, because I can put cute photos of my dog on them. My DH (who grew up in a card-loving family) doesn’t care one way or the other about cards.

            But, it’s really nice to receive a thoughtful card where someone has taken the time to write out what you mean to them. And I don’t think that has anything to do with gender!

          • Merabella

            I agree with CW. My husband LOVES cards, I couldn’t give a lick about them.

      • KC

        This. I’m not married, but my favorite gifts from my boyfriend are the thoughtful notes he’s written me over the years. I’ve saved every one of them and they’re among my most treasured possessions.

        Traditionally, the first year anniversary gift is paper too :)

    • anon

      Being married is not, in my experience, easy. It takes a lot of work, but we all hope that our spouses are worth it.

      What about a card expressing what you just wrote here? Maybe a nice, home cooked meal (or if you don’t cook, bring in food from your favorite local place that you both enjoy)?

    • NDR

      The traditional first year gift is paper. My husband (in collaboration with his graphic designer brother) took the graphic from our wedding invitations and made little cards that said “I love _______” on each of them – I’d say there were 50 cards total. Then he wrote something he loved about me on each card. I totally cried through reading all of them. It was super simple but so touching and nice to have to look back at whenever I want. And it definitely communicated how appreciated I am, no matter what. Maybe do something similar and leave some blank ones to add to the collection as you progress through the years and learn new things to love about him?

    • mascot

      Looking at my marriage, I would say it is good. I will also say it is one of the hardest things I have ever done and one of the most rewarding. No one promised it would be easy. Some years are just rough, we are finishing one ourselves. But, even in the darkest moments, I am still glad that he is mine and I am his and we are together. For gifts, we like to do a joint present. First year, we bought a piece of art that we picked out at a street fair and had a pianata (trying to stick with paper theme). Turn what you just said into a love letter.

    • e_pontellier

      If you’re a regular on here, you know my marriage isnt easy. For our first anniversary, I got DH some silly gifts (from ThinkGeek) and then just wrote him a card about how hard its been, how grateful I am that we’re sticking together through it, and how much I love him.

    • GirlMeetsWorld

      How about a 2013 calendar.. and you can write little notes in some boxes (such as on the day you got engaged/married/first date) as well as things to do, ie Dinner at X restaurant. Sort of like planning another year of your life together. :-)

    • Lyssa

      I’m not against the card ideas mentioned here, heartfelt and all of that. But I’d recommend getting him a gift that he would like as well. I’m not talking deep and meaningful, or traditional, or anything like that, just get him something that you know that he wants. In my experience, men appreciate the practical (or fun) and it means a lot (although they sometimes don’t say it right away) that you thought of something that would make them happy. Even if it’s something that seems stupid, like a new video game, get him something that he wants.

    • anon

      I could have written your exact comment, OP. My first year of marriage was also difficult, with deaths in the family, unemployment, depression, and brutal hours at work. I just want you to know that it will be okay. I had this vision of newlywed life as blissful, and it was hard to face the fact that the reality was so un-blissful.

      But you know, transition is hard, and the stuff you’ve been through is hard, and none of that needs to reflect on your marriage. It will get better. And if you can make it through a tough year like the one you’ve described, you can make it through just about anything. Hang in there. And for a gift, maybe the two of you could go away for a weekend together – give yourselves a break.

    • Cora

      Just want to chime in with encouragement for the OP–if you haven’t had particularly good relationship role models in your life, as you mention, I think it’s easy to think that you’re doing it wrong, or you made the wrong decision, when you get married and you find that, not only is it not particularly easy, but also there are a lot of things about marriage that are extremely hard. You’re not and you didn’t–as someone else said above, being married is not easy. But working through the difficult times is what makes your marriage stronger and better over time. Congratulations on your first anniversary!

  6. AFT

    Baby lawyer career TJ –

    I summered at the same small firm for both summers, and I still do piece work remotely for them (working with a partner on a project now). I would be thrilled to become an associate with the firm once I’ve graduated (in May). I have heard from multiple sources that they were very happy with me (one partner told a client that I was “the best clerk they’d ever had”, which a coworker relayed to me). I have an inside contact there who has told me that there has been talk of hiring me, but that there was also some pushback due to $. They know I am actively looking for post-grad jobs, because some of the partners have been a reference for me (for clerkships and fellowships, not for jobs with other firms). I have very clearly indicated that I am interested in working there. Is there some way to find out a time frame on when they might make a decision? I would really, really like to have a job locked down (obviously) but I don’t know how to push for it, as there has not been a conventional application/interview process that I could follow up on. Any thoughts?

    • karenpadi

      If you don’t have any other formal offers, I would wait. Small firms don’t have the same ability to look into the future that large firms have so it’s not surprising that a small firm doesn’t want to hire someone full time 9 months before she can start working.

      If you have another offer, you can put them on notice. Just tell them you have another offer but are still excited about possibly joining the firm full time.

      Frankly, as an entry-level lawyer, you aren’t in a position to really push for an offer. I would take things as they happen and keep doing good work. Before you take time off to study for the bar exam, ask about full-time opportunities. After the bar exam, call them up and ask for more work. They might keep you as a clerk; they might hire you as an attorney; they might do some hybrid of the two.

      • MaggieLizer

        +1 to all of this. If it helps, I had a friend in this position and they gave her an offer the week before graduation. She’s been there ever since (class of 2010) and couldn’t be happier.

    • GirlMeetsWorld

      Agree with karenpadi. To the extent that you can, you should continue to try and get more work from them. You want to grow to become indispensable to them. And of course, continue to apply for other positions. Good luck!

    • darby

      Do they know that while you’re actively looking you would be interested in working there? If you haven’t made that 100% clear, I think you could approach them w/ that idea w/o putting the pressure on them to decide now. I’m not sure that I’d presume you were interested if you’re actively looking elsewhere & they know about that.

  7. rosie

    We are staying with some friends (DH’s college roommate and his wife, plus their 4-month old) for a few nights at the end of the year. What can we get them as a house/couple gift? We would usually do some kind of booze, but I don’t know if she’s drinking right now (unsure about bfeeding). We already have stuff for the baby covered. Ideas?

    • O.

      I’ll be the voice of dissent. I didn’t drink while bfeeding (I’m a total lightweight and had supply issues so I couldn’t afford to risk having to discard milk). Maybe chocolates or a food gift basket?

      • CKB

        I’d be careful about chocolate. When I was bf’ing my 3 boys, they were all sensitive to when I ate chocolate & it gave them upset tummies. It doesn’t always affect babies, but mine seemed to have sensitive tummies (especially the first 2 who were colicky). What about a fruit basket? Or a decadent non-chocolate dessert like cheesecake?

    • DCM

      What’s the consensus on drinking while bfeeding? If it’s a no-no while pregnant, what makes it okay to drink while breastfeeding? I ask this as a non-pregnant woman who’s curious and too chicken to ask her real-life friends.

      • moss

        totally ok to have a drink while bf, alcohol 100% verboten during pregnancy. That’s how I did it. No need to discard breastmilk.

      • Meg Murry

        Its ok to drink a moderate amount while bf because your body will metabolise the alcohol and not pass it along to your baby as long as you drink, then sober up, then nurse. While pregnant you don’t have this lag period – as your body is metabolising the alcohol it is passing it along to the fetus. Basically, if you are sober enough to legally drive, you are sober enough to nurse. So you can’t go out and get trashed for hours at a time when baby is nursing every 2-3 hours, but you can have a drink or two between nursing sessions.

    • rosie

      Thanks for the suggestions. I think we’ll do some combo of edible and housewarming-ish gifts (they’ve been in their house about a year and haven’t done tons of decorating…maybe a nice throw). I respect anyone’s decision to drink or not while bfeeding, but I am worried that we will insult her if she’s not, which knowing her, I think it might.

      And good call on the earplugs :)

    • anon

      What about oatmeal cookies? (Oatmeal is good for lactation, just in case she’s breastfeeding, and oatmeal cookies are delicious for everyone, just in case she isn’t.)

    • Bonnie

      The best gift we received was a box of specialty foods from the guests’ homestate.

  8. Anon8

    Does anyone have any reccomendations for must-visit restaurants for a first-timer in London? I’m not sure where we’re staying, so I’m open to reccomendations in all areas of town. Thanks!

    • Always a NYer

      If you like steak I can’t recommend Gaucho Sloane enough. They are a small chain and after also dining st their Piccadilly location I can tell you the one in South Kensington is so much better! Their meat is all imported from Argentina and the fillet steak (filet mignon) was melt in my mouth deliciousness!!! It’s a quick five minute walk from the South Kensongton tube stop – take a left when you exit and keep walking. Enjoy London!!!!

    • KC

      Not a restaurant, but I recommend Borough market to everyone I know. It is phenomenal. Great for lunch before wandering through the Tate Modern, seeing a show at the Globe, or crossing the Millenium Bridge to visit St. Paul’s.

        • ANP

          Yes! Borough market is a must. Go hungry.

          Second the comments below re: Wagamama as well.

    • AIMS

      I’m not sure I would call this a “must visit” but the one thing I always miss in terms of London food is Wagamama. Great for the first day jet lag especially.

      • Diana Barry

        Yes. Wagamama, Indian food, and scones. I had a nice pot of tea and some scones at the National Gallery. :)

    • recent grad

      London has some of the best Indian food in the world in an area/street called Brick Lane. My favorite is Eastern Eye Balti. I usually pretend like I am walking past because it gives you a chance to barter for a round of free drinks and 15% off.

      I also love the Middle Eastern food there. My favorite is Levant on Wigmore Street. It’s an experience though, not just a quick bite to eat. You can order off the feast menu and it includes starters, mains and dessert. I think the starters are the best part! On the weekends they have belly dancers. If you are looking for something a bit faster, all of the Maroush restaurants are great.

      Le Relais de Venise is a French restaurant that only serves one meal: steak frites and it’s incredible. There are locations both in the City and Marylebone. You may have to wait in a bit of a line, but it’s definitely worth it.

      If you are interested in going to tea, I recommend the Orangery just behind Kensington Palace. You can go for traditional afternoon tea or just go for a tea and a cake at any time of the day. It’s casual enough that you can go after sight seeing but still get the real British feel.

      Whenever I have friends in London I send them here and they have all raved about them. Have an amazing time!

        • Nonny

          For Indian food: Diwana on Drummond Street, near Euston Station. SO good, and so authentic. I prefer it to just about everything I’ve ever had on Brick Lane (which really isn’t an Indian or Pakistani locale anymore anyway). Diwana is vegetarian. They have a great buffet lunch, and then a menu in the evening. Functional decor at best, and they get super busy to try to get there early, but they are incredible.

          Also, anything in the Rasa chain is good. The Rasa restaurants all have sherbet-pink facades and they are all fantastic. Definitely more upmarket than Diwana but worth trying. They specialize in southern Indian food.

          Yum yum, now I am craving dinner at Diwana….

          • Nonny

            *they get super busy *so* try to get there early….

            Why am I making so many typos these days? Grrr….

      • Gail the Goldfish

        Do not do what I did and just pick a random restaurant on Brick Lane. Do some research beforehand as to which ones are good, because while the restaurant I ended up choosing was perfectly fine, it was nothing amazing. Which might be why it was not that crowded and some of the others were.

        The best restaurant I ate at in London was actually a Mexican restaurant named Wahaca. I couldn’t afford super fancy restaurants, though, and I’m not a fan of “traditional” British food (let’s face it, the Brits aren’t known for their culinary excellence. Sorry, guys. Except scones. You win on scones), so that may not be what you’re looking for.

    • Anonymous

      A Gordon Ramsey gastropub or restaurant for good traditional English food. He just does it right.

    • eek

      Pizza Express….kidding.

      Lido on Gerrard Street in Chinatown. Sandwiches at Marks and Spencer/Waitrose/whatever.

    • Kontraktor

      Maroush II for meze (like hummus, kebab, etc.)/Lebanese (lunch time has pretty reasonable prices). Mimino for Georgian food. Not many places in the US have true Georgian food, but this is a fabulous restaraunt and I would recommend trying this type of cuisine since you won’t really get a chance in the US. It’s sort of a blend between Indian, Pakistani, Nepali, and Russian cuisines. If you go, get one of the khatchapuris (cheese bread), which is a traditional Georgian staple. Meze plate for 2 is a great sampling of appetizers and the ostri (spicy beef) was great/I had it every time I went.

  9. Research, Not Law

    Fit of Threadless t-shirts? I really want to get one for my husband, but he’s short/stocky and they seem like a company that would do trim. He’s normally between a M and L, but M’s can be too tight and L’s can be way too long for him. He is ~5’7” and probably ~175 lb.

    • Research, Not Law

      That’s SnorgTees, not Threadless!

      Who knew there were so many nerdy t-shirt brands?

      • punk rock tax lawyer

        I think my husband goes for a large in those, and he is also a short/stocky type — actually a couple inches shorter than yours.

  10. Bluejay

    DC Meetup: Next Monday, Dec 10!

    Just a reminder that the DC meetup will be next Monday, December 10, at Laughing Man Tavern at 1306 G Street Northwest. I will arrive by 5:30 and get a table downstairs. I’ll try to bring a sign so you can find me.

    I also thought it would be nice to collect some donations, since it’s the holiday season. Bread for the City (http://www.breadforthecity.org) requests donations of gift cards for grocery stores, big box stores, and drugstores, as well as Metro SmartTrip cards. They give the cards to their clients to help them buy groceries, etc. If you’d like to donate – totally optional, no pressure – I’ll collect the gift cards and SmartTrip cards and drop them off at Bread for the City.

    Hope to see many of you there!

    • zora

      Darnit!! I”m flying in the *next day*. So close!

      Well, hope you all have fun!

    • cfm

      Darnit!! I”m flying in the *next day*. So close!

      Well, hope you all have fun!

      • Bluejay

        There have been a couple. I made it to one over the summer, and there was one a couple months ago I coulnd’t make it too, which is why I decided to organize this one.

  11. Merabella

    Y’all I’m so bored. I have finished all my projects, organized my desk and made a very detailed to do list.

    I think next I’m going to plan an amazing dream vacation. Suggestions?

    • SF Bay Associate

      Machu Picchu is very high on my list. Or an Antarctic cruise so I can see penguins, hopefully on the same trip as seeing the Great Barrier Reef in Australia before global warming/pollution destroy it.

    • Susan (edna_mode_nyc)

      Would like to hit some Nordic countries one day – Norway – fjords, Iceland – icebergs & volcanoes, Finland – sleigh rides in the snow, reindeer.

      Go island-hopping in Greece, then cross over to Turkey. Everybody who’s been to Istanbul has raved about it to me, so it’s on my list.

    • anon

      I spend a lot of time looking at expensive beach resorts when I get bored at work. Four Seasons Bali, you’re calling my name!

  12. Sasha

    Has anyone ever been to Santa Maria, CA or San Luis Obispo? I’m working there next week and was curious if anyone could recommend restaurants or any fun things to do.

    • CBM

      Firestone Grill in San Luis! It’s not the classiest of establishments, but their bbq is great for takeout!

    • Leigh

      Mama’s Meatball in Oceano (between SLO and Santa Maria) or Upper Crust in SLO are great places to get Italian food and my favorite pizza place is Nucci’s in SLO. Yanagi’s in Pismo Beach is great for Sushi, and Huckleberry’s is one of my favorite places for breakfast.

      Avila Hot Springs resort is nice if you want some relaxation. I usually do an hour in the hot tubs, and it’s amazing. (Though, you will smell like sulfur after this, make sure it’s at a time when you can shower right away!)

      I enjoy browsing through the shops in SLO, and on Thursday nights they usually do a large market night type thing that is fun to walk around.

      The Madonna Inn has great cakes, so you may stop at the restaurant and poke around their property a bit.

      I enjoy kayaking in Morro Bay (about 15-20 minutes north of SLO), and I love going to Cambria to get Ollalieberry Pie at Linn’s. Cambria is a little further than Morro Bay, but it’s worth it for me. Also there is Hearst Castle in San Simeon near Cambria. (We drove through there last week and saw zebras in the pasture with cows! Strange sight.)

      Pismo beach is fun to walk around for a bit.

      Hope this helps!

    • KateL

      Eat Santa Maria style BBQ (mostly tri-tip, which a west coast/CA centric cut of beef).

      Drive on Pacific Coast Highway

      Pismo Beach is close by and cute

      Hearst Castle is close, but not (almost 2 hours each way from Santa Maria)

    • Ems

      I went to Cal Poly San Luis Obispo for undergrad. If you’ve never been to SLO (as the locals call it), you will LOVE it. There are so many great restaurants and bars, as well as shopping in dt SLO. The can’t miss meal is Firestone’s tri-tip sandwich (1001 Higuera St). The winetasting is also amazing. One of my favorite little wineries is Baileyana. It’s an old converted schoolhouse in Edna Valley (about 10 mins from dt SLO) with $5-$10 tasting flights. Avila Beach and Pismo Beach, just south of SLO and north of Santa Maria, are great places as well. It’s definitely a college town so there is a lot of great energy. Have a great time! I’m jealous.

    • LadyEnginerd

      If you have time, drive to see the Christmas decorations in Solvang.

      • SoCalAtty

        Agreed! Go check out Solvang. If you are in Santa Barbara for lunch or breakfast, check out Jeannine’s – there are 2 locations and it is a great bakery and breakfast/lunch spot.

    • MJ

      Also, go to Sunset magazine’s website. They have a “Weekend trip” section and I am sure they’ve highlighted SLO. There’s also really good wine tasting in Paso Robles nearby too. Sunset’s website is a bit annoying, so sometimes I google (from google’s page) and back into the website instead of searching on the site (the search feature is awful but Sunset itself is amazing, so bear with). Have so much fun!!!!

  14. KinCA

    Travel question: If you had to spend one week exploring the European country of your choice, which country would you choose?

    BF & I will be spending a week to 10 days gallivanting around the European country of my choice next July, and I have no idea which one I want to go to! He’s pushing for France, because he’s never been there before, but it’s ultimately my decision. We’d like to visit 3 or 4 cities/regions in whatever country we go to, so somewhere with more than one “main attraction” would be best.

    • JK

      Highly recommend Florence, Italy. Did most of Italy about 2 years ago and Florence was my absolute favorite. Less touristy but beautiful and awesome food. You can also tour Tuscany and go to close-by smaller cities like Siena.

      Another favorite is Nice, France. This would be more of a place to go for maybe 2 days to just hit the beach and relax as a way to get a break from go-go-go sightseeing. I stayed four days, loved it, and wanted to stay longer.

      Have also heard amazing things about Barcelona, but can’t speak to it personally!

      • Ellie

        Ditto on Nice… I studied abroad there in college and it was HEAVEN. An amazing trip would be the string of small towns and larger cities along the Cote d’Azur (Cannes, Nice, Monaco, Antibes, Eze, Menton, there are a ton..). I’d definitely recommend hitting the south of France on any Euro trip, especially if you do decide to go to France. It’s also convenient to western Italy.

        I did a week trip around Spain and Portugal and while a tad rushed it was amazing to see so many places. I did Barcelona, Seville, Lagos, and a very small beach town in Portugal which may have been my favorite of all the traveling I did abroad.

        I don’t think you can really go wrong anywhere in Europe, though…

    • Merabella

      I lived in Italy, and I really loved it. I don’t know if I could promote going there in July though, it will be SUPER hot and super crowded with tourists.

      France gets evacuated in August, but I don’t know about July, so just make sure that if you do end up going there that things will be open.

      I would suggest Spain, because there is a ton of stuff to do, and beaches to go to as well, but I feel like not as many people go there because it isn’t “The Place to Go” – that and Portugal.

    • Kontraktor

      Would you be willing to go to a couple of places? If you’ve never been to Europe, I might recommend London and then taking the chunnel/train to Paris. There are tons of activities to do in both places so you could easily be occupied doing things for a few days- there are definitely enough sights/famous places between the two cities to occupy yourself for that amount of time. If you wanted to stay in one country, I’d recommend going to Italy because you can do tons of sightseeing of famous places in a lot of different cities (lots of famous stuf fin Venice, Florence, and Rome), do a multitude of things (sightseeing, museums, eating, shopping, religious stuff if that’s your thing), and have the opportunity for some veg days (country villas) in more remote places as well.

      If you don’t really want to see a ton of famous things, you really could go anywhere, but it depends on the purpose of your trip and what you like. For example, could do beaches in Spain/Portugal, take a Scandanavian cruise with day stops in various places, or take advantage of possibly cheaper prices in Paland, Estonia, CR, etc.

    • Research, Not Law

      Greece!

      Although, it’s hard to go wrong with any of them. Switzerland is another good option that hasn’t been mentioned yet.

    • Gail the Goldfish

      can we count Turkey as European? Because it’s amazing. Otherwise, Italy. Perhaps Spain; I’ve never been, but it’s high on the wishlist.

    • karenpadi

      Oh man, if you want to laugh non-stop and you love road-trips, you have to go to Ireland–the home o f the friendliest, funniest people ever!

      We started in Dublin, roadtripped to Dingle via the whiskey distillery, and circled back to Dublin after stopping to kiss the Blarney Stone. My other friends have taken other routes through Ireland. It honestly doesn’t matter what you do–you will laugh. Tears will stream down your face and you won’t be able to talk. And, oh, the stories! We visited Ireland for 5 days of a three-week trip through Europe–90% of the stories that we still repeat are from Ireland.

    • Niktaw

      Spain. I’ve been twice and need, NEED to go at least one more time. In July you could visit Madrid and Barcelona with a couple of small towns like Toledo in between. It’s a perfect country for gallivanting.
      Also for July, Belgium and Holland might be nice, but I have no personal experience. You could cover quite a bit of ground in a week there.

    • sdchicky619

      Italy (Rome, Venice, Florence) or Spain (Madrid, Barcelona, Sevilla)
      Warning: Spain is blazing hot/touristy in July but that didn’t stop me from going and enjoying the heck out of it :)

    • Laura Holt

      If you want to stay in a single country, my pics would probably be France, Italy, or Greece. I think you could do a really nice 10 day trip in each of those countries, not run out of stuff to do, but see the country fairly thoroughly.

      For France, I’d do: 4-5 days in Paris with a day trip to Versailles, 2-3 days in Normandy/St. Malo (Honfleur is a beautiful little town in that region) and then 2-3 days in the south of France. I’d stay in Nice and do day trips to Cannes and Monaco. Other places you could go are the Loire Valley (castles, wine) or the French Alps (Mont Blanc is beautiful).

      For Italy, I’d spend at least 4 days in the Amalfi coast, which is one of my favorite places I’ve ever been. I stayed in Sorrento and loved it. Defintely do a day trip to Capri. I’d also go to Venice and Rome. I was personally underwhelmed by Venice, but most people seem to love it and I think its worth gonig to for a few days. Never been to Rome or Tuscany but they are on my list to go to for sure.

      We just did 10 days in Greece for our honeymoon this past summer. We did a couple days in Athens, followed by 4 days each in Santorini and Mykonos. People told us not to go to Athens, but I’m glad we did. We only had 2 full days there, which I think was exactly the correct amount. One day we did the Acropolis and the New Acropolis Museum (and stuffed our face with cheap souvlaki) and the second day we did a day trip to Delphi (more ruins, and a chance to see the Greek mountainside). The islands, especially Santorini, were fabulous. About the only thing I’d change would be the fact that we took a ferry between the islands. It was horribly rough and made my husband very sick. I’d fly if you can afford to. I’m happy to send you more details about our itinerary – it really was a fantastic time.

      I’ve never been to Ireland (outside of the city of Dublin) or Scotland but I would love to do drives through the countryside in both those countries and I think either one would make for a great 10-day trip.

      Another thing to consider is if you really just want to go to one place (e.g. Paris) and are looking for something to combine it with for a few days, Iceland makes a great stopover place. It’s incredibly exotic and you can really get a great sense for the country in a couple days (although you can certainly spend a full week or more there too). If you fly Icelandair from the US to Europe you can often stop there for free. Its so different from the rest of Europe, it sort of gives you a second vacation for no cost and minimal time.

      I also did a really fun, roughly 10-day trip to a few Eastern European cities (Prague, Budapest, Krakow) and then a short loop around Austria, including Vienna, Salzburg and Graz. It was great, but that’s a multi-country route. To this day, Budapest is one of my favorite cities in the whole world, if not my favorite, and Prague and Krakow are wonderful too. I don’t know enough about the rest of Hungary to suggest a 10-day route in that country though.

    • MJ

      parts of spain are stiflingly hot in July–especially Andalucia and Madrid. If you do go to Spain in summer, highly recommend sticking to the coasts or mountains (picos de Europa). That said, I would pick Switzy, Adriatic former Yugoslavia Coast (Croatia/Montenegro etc.) or Greece or Iceland for summer (and I say this as someone who has traveled very extensively in Europe!

      • ss

        Agree. Many parts of Italy are also unpleasantly hot from June to Sept and I’d save it for when you can travel in spring or fall. I’d also add Denmark and Scotland to the list of good places for summer visitors. For France, I’d say think about Paris plus one other destination and leave it at that, particularly if this is your first time and you’ve got a week. Otherwise you will feel like you’ve spent most of your vacation travelling and/ or making your way to/ fro train stations/ airports/ down town.

    • Smitty

      I third Italy, though as others have pointed out it will be hot/crowded. In ten days you can easily do Milan, Florence, Venice, Cinque Terre, Rome, La Spezia, etc. Getting around Italy via train is simple.

      Have you considered Scandinavia? It’s a bit more off the beaten path than Western/Central Europe in July. It’s gorgeous.

      I also love Ireland and you can easily spend ten days exploring Dublin, Galway, etc. July is tourist season though.

    • SoHo

      If you’re going during the summer, Scandinavia could be a great choice (not as hot as Italy, Spain, etc.). My now fiance and I did Copenhagen, then Norway (started in Bergen on the West coast and took ferries / trains through the fjords to Oslo–fabulous city!), then went to Stockholm (also fantastic). I think we did 12 days, though you could definitely do it in 10 days (or could cut out one of the stops). We LOVED this area of the world, it is breathtakingly beautiful. Interesting culture, pretty architecture / design, and yummy food. Only downside is that these places were very expensive (particularly Norway… insanely expensive), but that was really the only drawback.

  15. TBK

    Does anyone have experience using both Mint.com and USAA’s budgeting tools? We bank with USAA, and they have great online tools, but I’m just wondering if Mint is any better. Anyone?

    • MsZ

      Mint and USAA are not friends; my USAA accounts will not stay logged in and I ultimately get too annoyed having to sync them up every time to use it.

  16. anon for this

    In a similar situation to anon above with a tough time adjusting to married life…. DH and I have been married for 6 months now, after dating for 4 years. We moved to a new city far from family for his job about 2 years ago, and have recently been talking about when (if ever) we might move back to the city we left, which is where my family is. Previously, he had always said he was open to it, but now he is saying that he really doesn’t like that part of the country, and doesn’t see himself ever moving back there.

    DH will say to me, “If you’re really intent on moving back there, maybe this [meaning our marriage] isn’t meant to be. Maybe we want different things out of life.” I remain very open to wherever in the country our lives might bring us, and while I would love to be close to my family once we have children, it’s not a deal-breaker for me. Still, it’s upsetting to me that DH feels like he has veto power over this decision, and that he would (theoretically) be willing to walk out on our marriage rather than having us reach a decision together, especially after I moved for him once before. Advice? The one thing I didn’t truly grasp before marriage was how you give up your ability to decide your life just for you….

    • Merabella

      In getting married you do give up on the ability to make decisions just for you, simply because there is someone else you have to take along with you, but your husband’s flat out refusal to negotiate/talk about moving back to somewhere that would make you happy seems a little harsh. If it were me, I would get to a couple’s therapist ASAP. These are things that you have to learn how to work out when you are married, and a therapist may help to give you some skills on improving your communication/negotiation styles.

      Honestly, it sounds to me like he is kind of checking out and using your wanting to move back to said city as a way out. If this is a deal breaker for him, better to find out now if this is going to work out then 5 years down the line where you are more settled and possibly have kids.

      • kiley

        I agree. It sounds like he has one foot way out of the door. I would try to get to therapy with him.

    • LilyB

      wow, his comment is really hurtful and totally uncalled for. does he suggest getting divorced every time you have an argument? i mean, seriously, that’s really awful. i’m sorry i don’t have anything more constructive to offer but if my hypothetical husband suggested we weren’t meant to be because i was feeling like i wanted to be closer to my family, i’d be really upset.

      • Monday

        Also, “maybe this just isn’t meant to be” is an evasion of what I fear he’s actually saying, which is “maybe I just refuse to go with you and am summarily bailing on my commitment to this as a partnership.” It bothers me so much when people phrase things to make it sound like Destiny or The World is taking actions that in fact are completely their own. I agree with others on the need for clarification and perhaps counseling. Best to you.

    • Godzilla

      I know I complained about the DMTFA advice on thissite but seriously, your DH is NOT COOL. How could he even say something like that to you? WTH IS THAT?????? RAWR

      • LadyEnginerd

        Side note: given that mine dumped me after I described a few problems, I’ve temporarily switched to team “DTMFA advice is prophetic” instead of overreacting internet aunties. RAWR.

    • CW

      Have you said this to him? I don’t know what type of guy your DH is, but if I were in your shoes I’d say exactly what you just wrote: do you realize that when you say things like that it seems like you think you have veto power over where we live? Do you think this is a decision that you would make by yourself? What happens if I get a job that would move us back to our old city? Are you truly willing to end our marriage if I wanted to be closer to family?

      Hugs. I would be hurt too, if my DH were saying things like that to me. The only thing that I could think of that may be offset some of his jerk-iness, is that maybe he’s a little freaked out by the enormity of marriage/kids/family/life and views moving back to your former city as settling down into that lifestyle (whereas marriage is probably the “easiest” of all of those things to handle, conceptually). Just spit-ballin though.

      • Research, Not Law

        Definitely talk to him about it. When we were about one year into our marriage, my husband said something in the same vein, which (obviously) left me very hurt and confused. Thankfully I asked him about it point-blank a couple of days later, because it was all a huge misunderstanding (he was trying to say how he was feeling in the dark about something) and gave us a chance to talk through a problem together. Our marriage is rock-solid, btw. There was just this one issue that needed clearing up.

      • sadie

        Gosh, I would be really concerned here. Not so much about the idea he thinks he has veto power over where you live (though obviously that’s a problem) but about the idea that he really seems to be looking for an ‘excuse’ to end things. Like he wishes you would insist on going back so he could say “well, guess we better divorce, then’.

        I’d get thee to a counselor, stat.

    • Herbie

      Just wanted to chime in that it’s SO UNFAIR and not right for your husband to be fighting like this! How hurtful…

    • Cora

      This sounds like an unhealthy reaction and I agree with the many recommendations regarding therapy. I wonder also whether it’s possible that your husband is reading more into your desire to move back towards your family than is accurate–if he’s understanding what you’re saying as essentially “this is something I’m going to do eventually, period” (even if that’s not actually what you’re saying), then he may be lashing out and trying to distance himself from what he perceives as a situation where you may eventually leave him. On the other hand, it may be what one of the other posters mentioned above–that he, for whatever reason, is looking for a way out and using this as the hook. It’s hard to say, but a good therapist should be able to help you at least identify the root cause if you two aren’t able to otherwise productively discuss it.

      You have my sympathies–it’s a very unkind and hurtful thing for your husband to say, and you shouldn’t tolerate it.

    • anon for this

      Thanks everyone for your advice… I’m going to try to talk to him about this honestly and tell him how hurtful his comments are. If we can’t get to the root of it, then I definitely will be looking for a counselor to help us talk things through.

  17. boston

    hivesignal!

    Need NYC dinner recomendations. Will be staying near wall street, would love it to be walking distance but other suggestions welcome. Going on business. Would like it to be somewhat reasonably priced (under 50/person would be great) and not super loud. TIA!

    • CBM

      Harry’s at 1 Hannover Sq is great for a business dinner. Most entrees are under $30.

    • CW

      North End Grill in Battery Park City is fabulous (the egg dishes, omg. Also any of the seafood. And lemon meringue or pot du creme for dessert. Sigh. I need to eat there now.). You should also check out Stone Street (it’s a street with a bunch of restaurants) in the Wall Street area. They have a bunch of cute restaurants, wine bars, etc.

    • Miss A

      Don’t know if it’s open, but Adriennes (sp) for pizza/italian

      Les Halles. It can get loud though… but perhaps you can request a quieter area? (also depends on the night–I’ve been when it’s completely empty, and when large groups are having a party).

      Shake Shack – across the pedestrian bridge by the WTC site.
      PJ Clarkes – across the pedestrian bridge by the WTC site; you can have views of the Hudson over $10 burgers..

      There were restaurants by the Seaport, but don’t know if they’ve reopened post-Sandy.

      If you don’t mind longer walks, Tribeca is a 15-20 min walk away.

    • Gail the Goldfish

      Wherever you’re going, call and make sure they’re open first. There are a number of places still closed from the hurricane (though it seems mainly to be the lunch places).

    • A

      It might be too pricey, but I love Locanda Verde in Tribeca. I’m not sure who you will be dining with, but if you share some small plates and an entree, you may be able to make it in under budget.

      Sarabeth’s (also in Tribeca) is great for brunch.

    • PDXK

      Vintry is by far my favorite in the area, but it depends on how much you eat (small plates + drinks can add up). I get full there for <$50 a person.

      Or Adrienne's, which you can definitely stay under budget at, and is also quite good (classic Italian pizzas and pasta). Love proscuitto and olives on their big square pizzas. So yummy. Good gnocchi and meatballs too.

    • anon in tejas

      last year when I was in NYC, my brother took me to the best spanish tapas place. Las Rambalas. It was a short cab ride from the twin towers memorial.

    • Smitty

      I love Malatesta. It’s in the West Village but it would be a ten minute max cab ride.

  18. makeup/primer tj

    For those of you who use eye makeup primer, do you find it aids the staying power of eyeliner? My eyeliner always fades/migrates up my lid / leaves undereye smudges by noon, and I’ve tried so many types without tons of success (bobbi brown gel, mac fluidline, various liquid liners, felt tip liner pens). But I don’t wear eyeshadow, and I don’t want to buy primer if it only (or mainly) helps eyeshadow, not eyeliner.

    • darby

      it only helps w/ shadow for me, not liner, but it is a nice way to put something on your lid if you’re not feeling like wearing shadow — sort of the same way that foundation smooths out skin, so I often wear it alone w/ liner only. But it doesn’t help the liner stay on.

      • sadie

        my best trick is translucent powder or same-shade shadow over the eyeliner with a brush.
        For work, I usually just dust powder over it, for evening I’ll do same-shade shadow.

    • Research, Not Law

      I find that my eyeliner still fades, although I can’t say if it is better or the same since I always wear primer and am really hard on my eye make up (I’m an eye rubber). I wear Urban Decay, which does make a huge difference with my eye shadow longevity, although it’s still usually gone by the end of the day.

    • DC Jenny

      I’ve had luck using primer before liner on my lower lashes to prevent the liner from smudging downward. I haven’t really noticed a difference on my upper lids, but those aren’t much of a problem for me. Just in case there are some here you haven’t tried yet, I like Urban Decay 24/7 and MAC Technakohl for pencil liner and Loreal Lineur Intense for liquid liner that lasts.

    • roses

      Primer doesn’t do much as far as smudge-prevention for me, but it does make eyeshadow and liner go on much more smoothly – i.e., you can’t see creases on my eyelid after i use it.

    • ADL

      You need to use Bobbi Brown eye liner gel – it’s amazing – get the brush that goes with it. A gel pot lasts forever. It has ultimate staying power. My eyes (well, face in general) is oily so this is perfect for me. Your eyeliner is probably not long lasting which is why it is fading.

    • anon

      Try Blinc eyeliner – it’s like tube mascara, but in eyeliner form. It peels off instead of washing off.

    • Monte

      I use the Urban Decay primer and find that it helps with everything, and there are three different formulations, so they look a little different on the lid — you can wear something completely matte or something with a little shimmer if you want to.

      The primer helps with eyeliner, but I wear it even when I use my Stila liquid liner; it is felt tipped and fantastic, and it takes a conscious effort to remove the eyeliner.

    • MJ

      Check out concierge.com (conde nast traveler’s website). They have cityguides. Also try Frommer’s Budget Travel website, Food and Wine’s website…you will uncover some gems if you get no first-hand recs. Thanks!

    • ss

      Hard to tell what will please since you don’t mention your preferences but I like Bagutta if I have just one meal in town (14 via Bagutta). It’s an old-school trattoria with grandfatherly waiters, a great antipasti buffet, reliable primi and excellent people-watching for the business and fashion crowd. Downside : secondi are only so-so and prices are a bit on the high side.

  20. JessBee

    I need help styling tights. Over the last year, I’ve become much more fashion-oriented (thanks, in no small part, to this site!), and I have gathered a small collection of skirts that I love (and transitioned to wearing pants to work just once every 2 or 3 weeks). Now it’s cold (or, at least it should be…), and I bought some fun tights so that I continue to wear my adorable skirts. So far, so good, but I have two questions:

    1) What kind of shoes do you wear with tights? I don’t have a lot of cute shoes (still working on getting more), so this is particular issue. I have black heeled boots that I wear a LOT in the winter, and those work fine (though they cover up said fun tights quite a bit). But when I put on, say, a pair of black flats, I just don’t love the overall effect. I really only have one pair of closed-toe heels (working on it!), and they are dark red and patent (like these, but without the cutout: http://www.zappos.com/anne-klein-zya-red-relish-patent). I’ve worn them once, with black tights, and it was frankly a bit odd, I think. Might they work with grey tights? Navy? Do you wear flats with skirt/tights? What kind of shoes would you recommend I purchase to compliment my tights/skirt outfits? Mary jane heels? Ankle boots? I currently have tights in grey, black, navy, cobalt (see below), and burgundy. What color shoes to I buy? Do I match/coordinate with the skirts, or the tights, or both?

    2) I bought a pair of cobalt tights that I really think are lovely, but I’m struggling with what colors I can wear with them to avoid the Smurfette look. I’m happy to play around with color, and I have a relatively casual office at a college, so I don’t mind wearing bright colors, but the first outfit I tried for them today definitely made me feel like I should be screaming about Gargamel. I settled on black wrap dress with lavender cami, Smurf tights, and my boots that mostly cover up said tights. I also grabbed a grey cardigan, but it’s 90 degrees in the building today, so no sweater used. How would you wear Smurf blue tights?

    Thanks for your help!

    • Kontraktor

      I might try with similarly bright colors, especially orange and/or kelly green. I recently saw an outfit that was an orange pencil skirt, a kelly green cardi with cobalt blue trim, and a darker green/navy striped shirt. So, I think colors like that would work well together. Some people might say to pair with neutrals, but honestly I feel that such a bright color might actually coordinate/stand out less when worn with other brights. I mean, the tights are already pretty bold so I sort of feel like there isn’t a point to tone them down (ie, if you wanted to wear something toned down you wouldn’t be wearing Smurph tights) I guess the exception to this might be if you wore them with an all black/color blocked sort of outfit, but I would probably prefer them with a bright outfit. Bright blue + bright pink is another good combo (I sometimes wear a bright turquoise silk blouse with a hot pink skirt).

    • anon

      1) hard to say whether you match shoes, skirts, tights, or 2/3 of the above, or none of the above because i think it depends on the outfit, but i think a lot of ladies here have recommended the 2/3 rule (match the tights to either the skirt or shoes at a minimum). seems like a safe bet. i like ankle booties best with opaque tights, but they look horrible on me. so i do my t-strap mary janes, regular pumps, or tall flat boots. high heeled oxfords are cute, but i can’t let myself buy another pair of shoes!
      2) ??

  21. SFedits

    Seeking advice from you all about appropriate gift for boss. I work in a university medical center. Boss is an MD faculty and I am staff. He’s the greatest, but obviously can buy whatever he likes, whereas I cannot, but I DO want to let him know how much I appreciate him at this time of year. Suggestions?

    • in a similar situation

      What about wine? Not the most creative, but safe if you know he drinks.

      And to TJ your question, I also am shopping for a gift for a boss (large law firm partner). I know the consensus is that it is unnecessary to gift up, but in my practice group in my office everyone swaps gifts with everyone. Food and alcoholic beverages are out due to health issues. I have no idea what he does in his free time. He doesn’t decorate his office and previous office decorations from others have disappeared. I’ve already grilled our shared assistant. Budget is about $100.

      • ss

        I’ve had great good luck with prints from the Conde Nast website – lots of New Yorker cartoons involving lawyers, if your guy has a sense of humour that tends that way.

    • karenpadi

      Please don’t gift up [the hierarchy]! It is so incredibly awkward.

      To let him know you appreciate him: do good work, take last minute projects/shifts, volunteer for projects/patients no one else wants, etc. If you must, a Holiday card with a hand-written message. If you really really must, a bag of homemade cookies. And that’s it. No more.

    • ADL

      Agree with others; don’t gift up; it’s awkward. I would suggest a card with a nice note. My father is a doctor and every year at Christmas we get tons of food, wine, gift baskets, etc – but it is from his patients and his colleagues, not from his office staff.

  22. LinkedIn Question

    I know this is kind of late in the evening, but I have a LinkedIn question. I was added by someone I don’t think I have met, but he went to my law school. I accepted his invite, but what is a good way to ask if/how we know each other. I am still in school and he is established in the practice, so I don’t know what he would want from me. I might want to unlink him if I can’t figure out why he added me. Is adding people you don’t know common practice?

    • NOLA

      I don’t know about anyone else but I routinely ignore requests from people I don’t know.

    • CA lawyer

      In my experience, it’s unusual to add people you don’t know. Depending on your privacy settings you may be giving them access to extra information about you and your contacts without having any data points about whether the person is real or an ok person.

      • anon

        agreed, i don’t know anyone who adds people they don’t know. aside from the privacy issues, i think this is also because people don’t want to imply they implicitly recommend* someone who they don’t know, and other linkedin connections may assume this when looking at a connections list.
        *not like a recommendation letter, more like a favorable professional impression, i guess.

    • LadyEnginerd

      I certainly don’t add people I don’t know/wouldn’t feel comfortable putting in touch with someone else for an informational interview. Cynical thought: do you have a photo up on your profile and he might have, uh, ulterior motives?

    • eek

      I was scrolling through people I might know on LinkedIn and I accidentally clicked on whatever the button is to link to someone instead of the other button (shared connections or view profile). I couldn’t undo it and I was so mortified in a creepy adultfriender way. And it was a man. Then I completely forgot about it and this person accepted my request last week. I’m such a dweeb. So maybe that’s what happen. Don’t accept if you don’t want to. :)

    • CountC

      I think it depends on your field. I tend to add people in my field and alumni of my schools (even if I don’t know them personally), within reason. People who don’t know me add me quite a bit because of what I do. Doesn’t bother me. It’s a form of networking and I always introduce myself to people I don’t know at networking events – I look at LinkedIn the same way. You shouldn’t be sharing anything more personal than your employment and education history, so I personally don’t see the harm, but if it makes you uncomfortable then don’t accept.

  23. anon in tejas

    I am a prosecutor in 2 family courts. I am wondering if I should do something for the clerks/court staff for the holidays. I don’t really celebrate the holidays, but I am wondering if it would be appropriate to bring in a plate of homemade cookies next week before my last court docket of the year. The clerks are very good to me, and super helpful. I feel like it’s a good time of year to appreciate them.

    I am not sure what my office culture is around this issue, and if it would be seen as too kiss ass or if it would “obligate” me to doing something similar for my office mates. thoughts?

    • Herbie

      Dumb question. Are there ethical issues with a prosecutor giving gifts to clerks/court staff? Does it matter if it’s something like cookies v. something with monetary value? I’m honestly curious.

        • anon in tejas

          it’s well known in these parts that private attorneys/firms sent trays and trays of foods and other gifts to court staff (i.e. rodeo tickets– big deal here). I think that if it’s holidays and shared by the staff, it’s okay.

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