This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.
Oooh: Saks is having a big designer sale right now (up to 70% off), as well as a gift card event where, depending how much you spend, you can get a $25-$700 gift card. NOICE.
I'm not usually a fan of mini backpacks or of this color scheme, but I kind of love the cubist pattern and hardware on this fun, distinctive backpack from MCM. It was $1,180, but is now marked to $619.50 — and you get a $50 gift card at checkout (with code).
This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!
Update: Hunting for the best work backpacks? Some of our favorites in 2024 are below — see the full post for all the details!
Sales of note for 10.10.24
- Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
- Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
- Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
- White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles
Anonymous
Home design/reno question. I’m looking at townhouses which have large size master bathrooms yet it seems like they all have a small older stall shower and then a tub that looks like a hot tub or jacuzzi I think. Often said hot tub is huge and sits under windows and the shower stall is next to it. Knowing me I would never ever use the tub and ideally would love to take the tub out and put in one of those huge new shower stalls. I’m sure a contractor can do that but problem is then you have a window inside your shower. What can you do about that?
These are THs so your next door neighbor is right there and you can’t just shower in the open. But any blinds (or even drywall around the window) would completely be ruined by soaked by water daily. And there is an HOA which I guarantee wouldn’t let you take out the window or change the outside structure of the TH. I feel like there must be a solution here as so many people have those new modern showers in old bathrooms so I can’t be the first person with a window issue. Yet I can’t figure out where to look for design solutions or even pictures to get ideas.
Cat
Frost the window.
Bonnie Kate
Search for privacy frost or privacy film. I just searched for “shower window frost” and a bunch of options came up. Someone may be able to still see a shadow that a person is there, but if you pick out a film that’s opaque enough they won’t be able to see any details.
Also, I really like this as a design feature. A long time ago we had a shower with a window and I really liked the natural light.
Vicky Austin
+1 Frosted glass.
Bonnie Kate
One more idea, if your HOA would allow it, would be to replace the window a really pretty stained glass window. One of the privacy film websites that popped up when I googled just now reminded me how much I love stained glass windows.
Anonymous
frosted window and tile up to the window.
My parents did this. their large shower has a wetter end and a dryer end, the window is at the dryer end, so it doesnt really get sprayed at all.
Anon
Can you not redo the footprint so that the shower stall is much enlarged once the tub is ripped out (moving the vanity and not the shower plumbing)? We have louvered shutters in our bath so we can open the top to let light in, but there is no wood / window in the shower itself (which is 4×5).
cookie monster
We have this setup and replaced the plain glass window with wavy glass in a leaded diamond pattern. Hard to describe, but if you google diamond leaded glass, you’ll see some examples. We had the window custom made, so we were able to select a wavy glass that you can’t see through clearly.
Anon
I have diamond leaded glass in my bathroom window and I love it. I worked with a guy who collects older glass so we used the oldest he could find, as we have an old house that still has many original wavy glass windows.
anon
I once owned a house where the previous owner put the backer board right over the window, then tiled over it. This was on the second floor, and we lived there for several years before we noticed, while standing in our neighbor’s yard, that our house had an extra window.
I’m not advising that solution, but we still own and rent out that apartment, and we haven’t done anything to change it either.
anon a mouse
Glass block – you can actually buy a glass block casement window so you can still open the window and get fresh air in.
Anon
Ugh, when I lived in the SE, every single house we looked at had these stupid garden tubs. I never understood the appeal and never once used it in the entire time we lived there, such a waste of space and a huge pain to keep clean (for some reason they accumulated dust at a ridiculous rate). We just left it because the shower was nice enough already, but I would think about resell value if it’s the only tub in the house or even if it’s not, as people really seem to like these things, even if I can’t understand why.
Anonymous
I’m a bath person and love my garden tub. Different strokes for different folks :-)
Ano
Haha, point proven, and you’re clearly not alone. There are a lot of people who really want a tub, so removing it completely can be an issue if you want to sell in the not too distant future. I think the garden tubs just annoyed me because they were so big and so hard to clean (having an extendible sprayer would have really helped) and hard to clean anything else in (the main reason I use the tub, but in that house I had to use the tub in the other bathroom, since garden tubs are too hard to reach into).
Senior Attorney
Can you reconfigure the window so it’s above head level, maybe combined with a frosted finish? Because I agree the natural light is nice.
Anon
I am wearing a full mid-length skirt today. Last week: with flats. Looked frumpy. This week — shoes with a bit of a heel — better. Still some room for improvement.
My knees are a hot mess of old scars, but I do think that my body shape / build /composition looks better in dresses that are hemmed to the knee or slightly above it.
Panda Bear
I also find that the type of flats makes a difference – pointed or almond toes are more flattering on me than round or square.
Anon
I have fall dreams already of longer skirts (or a kilt) and heeled boots (the sort of thing that Elizabeth Jennings would have rocked in The Americans) with a turtleneck sweater. I am sure I will frump it up and will need additional trial and error on this also.
Anon
If I have to choose between frumpy length and showing my aging wrinkly knees, I’ll show my knees every time
Worried
I too, prefer knee length skirts, or if I’m honest, skirts about four inches above my knee— they work better with my5’4 proportions. That said, to my eye, midi skirts with flow, side slits, and movement seem to work slightly better with flats. I love wearing skirts, and I buy or sew mostly short or knee length skirts, but I made a midi and included a long slit that ends at the knee. I have just made a dress with one tiered ruffle on the bottom ( not a rufflepuff dress, but more like the green printed one mentioned yesterday) and the ruffle gives a bit more motion, and works with flats,/ leather sneakers though I agree it would look better with a slight heel or wedge sandal. I live in city and walk most places, so I just gravitate to flats and I guess my eye has adjusted to the look.
Back to work
I had two months between jobs. After being really burned out on managing COVID response in my prior job it was great to have this time to downshift, relax and recharge my batteries. My new job starts August 1 and I know it’s going to be a bit of an adjustment going back to a regular schedule in office again. Any tips to make the transition easier?
Anonymous
Make the week before extra special by filling it with your favorite kinds of activities.
Also, start getting into the timing of your work schedule at least a week ahead – waking up, mealtimes, bedtime. the first week back is going to be mentally exhausting, so it helps if your body is already at least partly used to the physical schedule.
Anonymous
I would start operating on your new morning ake up schedule now if you have been sleeping in. And do what you can to organize for mornings – pick out your first week’s outfits, prep breakfasts if you eat breakfast (e.g., overnight oats or egg muffins can be prepared ahead). And pack up the things you will want to keep at the office.
Bonnie Kate
Since you’re starting in the right season, I’d channel back to school vibes and get new office supplies, a couple new fall outfits, etc. Figure out your new schedule, plan out some fun packed lunches and snacks, all that “back to school” stuff. It took me years to not feel sad that I wasn’t “starting school” during August during all the back to school hoopla, so I’d be excited to go all in for a new job.
anon
Oooh, I love everything about this.
Anonymous
Can we have an outfit of the day thread? Today (business casual office) I’m wearing black pinstriped wide linen pants, a black t-shirt, a gold/turquoise necklace and earrings, and sandals. Not my favorite but comfortable.
Vicky Austin
Ooh, I love these. Red and black tweedy Resume dress from 2020 + trusty red Payless pointy flats + black earrings (I do not remember why I own these, but they work nicely!).
Anonymous
That outfit sounds lovely. I am working from home so I have on a Zoom-appropriate shirt with Sweaty Betty joggers. Turns out no one turned on cameras so my midday shower and shirt change was unnecessary. Oh well.
Anon
WFH
Aqua linen tank from Flax. Aqua-ish very old Eileen Fisher knit linen cardigan. (I’m trying to convince myself that they “go” even if they don’t match). Faded dark wash Levi’s that I cut off to ankle length, so they have a frayed hem. Dusty blue Birkenstocks – Siena big buckle style.
Working from home rocks.
Senior Attorney
Peach tribal print skirt with blue and white striped top, light blue Cole Haan loafers. This is one of my favorite outfits, which I copied from my favorite blogger Respect the Shoes. https://www.instagram.com/p/CDL8_2XFJVi/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link
Amber
That is SO cute!!
Anonymous
I love Respect the Shoes. Sounds like a great outfit!
NYNY
I’m in the office, but it’s hot out and the office is fairly empty, so I went summer casual: Navy linen cropped kick flare trousers and a navy & white striped high-neck tank top with red flat slide sandals. Before covid, I would have never worn the top or the shoes to work.
Anonymous
I’m wearing a powder blue sleeveless silk floral shirt, lightweight black pants and black block heeled sandals with gold trim around the heels. It was easy and comfy and I feel put together. I’m keeping a white collarless denim jacket to throw on for aggressive air conditioned offices.
Amberwitch
White wide pants with patch pockets on the legs. White blazer with asymmetric seam (longer in one side). White-grey patterned blouse, tucked in. Teal blue flats (pikolinos), blue enameled dangly earrings from Greece (Iosif)
Senior Attorney
That sounds divine!
Sad
Had to cancel my European trip; the first time I would ever go there. Covid’s uptick and my being immunocompromised made my medical team decide it would be too risky for me. My therapist concurred that this is not anxiety, it’s a true risk that shouldn’t be taken. I am just so tired of being locked in and of people making fun of me for having to be so careful. I know some people here make comments about things being anxiety or unrealistic but for those of us with real immune issues, it’s not only hard to live in a covid world, it’s heartbreaking to hear people around us tell us it’s not real. I’m so sad to lose my trip and so sad to be gaslit by so many people all around me.
If you’re someone losing out too, just know you aren’t alone and I know you’re not “crazy” for taking care of your health.
Anonymous Canadian
So, so sorry this is happening! I’m glad you are taking appropriate precautions so you can be safe while the rest of the world either beats this virus or comes up with treatments that will make it safe for you to be out and about. Hopefully you will get to Europe soon and have a wonderful time when you can.
Anon
I’m so sorry. I am similarly situated and about to bail on a trip I had planned for September. Solidarity.
Cat
tbh, I would wait to officially bail, unless you are going to be out serious money. The way prior waves have gone, if your trip is still 2 months from now, this variant may well be on its tail end, especially in Europe which typically goes first.
Anon
+1 Most of Europe is already on the downhill. Look at worldometer. UK, France, Italy have very clearly peaked. It will probably be fine in September.
Anonymous
Just because some people on here are rightly called out for their anxiety doesn’t mean no one still needs to be careful! I’m sorry you couldn’t go.
Anon
+1 I think the comments about anxiety have been when healthy people say they’re scared to leave the house.
Sorry this is happening to you op!
Not OP
Yes, that is sometimes the case. But often it is not. And you literally are gaslighting right now with this comment.
Trust me, you notice when it’s you that’s the one affected. Recent comments like “check with your doctors if you really are immune-compromised” might have been meant in kindness, but they hit very sharply. (Really? Hadn’t thought of that!) Or my other favorite that’s often used to try to normalize things “Can you give me an example where you wouldn’t have been in the same situation with flu season?” (Gee, stroke risk, so yes.)
Feeling left out and having others treat you like you are being unreasonably anxious is a very real experience right now for many people who are immune compromised. Invalidating it for your own comfort is particularly cruel.
This has been my first experience with being differently abled than others in certain situations and it has been profoundly eye opening. I’m sorry OP. You’re not alone.
A+ Fed
+10,000. I’m sorry OP.
Anon
It’s no one’s job to call out another person’s anxiety, unless you are their doctor or therapist.
Curious
I’m so sorry, and angry on your behalf at the people who are minimizing your rational fear.
Anon
I get it and completely support your decision. Makes sense to me that it was the right call. And I am sorry you have to miss out on something you wanted to do!
anon
I had a pre-op appointment this morning and had my blood drawn. I ended up fainting. Like one minute I was telling the nurse I was feeling lightheaded, and then I was out. She and another nurse were great, giving me cold compresses, juice, and crackers once I came to, but I had to have my husband pick me up because I was too woozy and shaky to drive, even after 30 minutes of all that. Then I came home, dry heaved, and promptly fell asleep for two hours.
This seems like an extreme reaction, no? It’s not uncommon for me to get lightheaded, but I’ve never actually fainted before. I am really stressed about the upcoming procedure and maybe it all hit me at that moment. I am still tired and don’t feel like doing anything of importance.
anon
*lightheaded during a blood draw, I mean.
Anon
I’m sorry that happened. I’ve also passed out with a blood draw before because of blood sugar issues or low blood pressure. My boyfriend almost always passes out when he has blood drawn, at least partially because it stresses him out.
Basically, it happens sometimes and be sure to be gentle with yourself today. It’s exhausting to have something scary and unexpected happen, so your body needs the rest!
Anon
I’ve fainted getting my blood drawn before. I think it was just low blood pressure, not anxiety or anything. Take the rest of the day easy.
Vicky Austin
I think you’re probably right about it being mostly about stress. Baby yourself for the rest of the day if possible and see how you feel tomorrow.
BeenThatGuy
+1 I had plastic surgery many years ago. The day before the surgery, I went into the office so they could mark my body up. The overwhelming smell of the markers made me pass out. The staff was so gracious and had never experienced this happening to a patient. In any event, stress can do things to real screwed up things to your body. OP, take good care of yourself today!
Anon
Google vasovagal reaction. It’s super common with medical things. I’ve never actually passed out, but I’ve come really close three times, once after having a scope up my nose, once at the eye doctor, and once after getting stitches without anesthetic. In the future, just be careful about getting up too quickly and make sure you’re not dehydrated or hungry.
anon
I had a vasovagal reaction after a particularly invasive uterine ultrasound (where they inflate your uterus with gas and go in with a probe). I almost passed out and then vomited. It totally surprised me but reading about it made sense. Bodies do weird things sometimes.
Anonymous
Everybody reacts differently and your reaction can change over time. I have cancer and so have draws quite frequently now. I’ve got from feeling super squeamish and dizzy to now being such a pin cushion these past few months that I feel like I could practically give myself a draw if I had to. I only share this to give you some comfort. Just because it happened once doesn’t mean it will ever happen again, especially as the process feels more routine. Just drink a lot (makes it easier to find a vein so it won’t take so long), try not to watch, and know it will be over in two seconds.And know that no one is thinking less of you in any way (just in case you might be feeling that way). Folks young and old, large and small and sick and well have this happen to them.
Anon
Look up vasovagal syncope. There are some exercises you can do to ward it off, like clenching your calf muscles.
ALT
This happens to me every time I donate blood, ESPECIALLY if I haven’t eaten enough or had enough water. Was it fasting blood work?
anon
It wasn’t. And I was careful to eat a good breakfast plus a snack ahead of time.
Sunflower
I recently had blood drawn and the tech told me she has about two people per week pass out during their blood draws.
Sallyanne
Oh gosh, so sorry this happened to you. It can be scary when something happens completely unexpected. I can get lightheaded at mammograms, gym appointments and eye exams and always warn the tech/doctors. I also learned (the hard way) to always lie down for shots or blood draws. Can be quite awkward in the small alcove of the Walgreens for my covid shots but better than having the tech needing to pick me up! I’m going to try the clenching calf muscle idea.
Jewelry seeking
Seeking two types of items and I know some of you love to shop so I thought I’d ask:
1. Turquoise in color with gold veins running through, other colors may work too but need the gold veins.
2. Acrylic bangle-type bracelet with unique coloring or items inside
Would love links and variety of price points (the less the better but will consider a little more spendy too).
Anon
For the acrylic bangle have you looked at Alexis Bittar? That seems to be their specialty. I have three in various colors/patterns.
Anon
Wondering where the hive stands here and to share their own:
Liberal feminist, early 40s, and on dating apps. I say it’s an automatic no if a guy says he listens to J0e R0gan, other friends say I’m being too picky. I feel like the guy is against most of what I stand for and if a guy agrees or if he listens and misses this, he’s the wrong fit for me and I’m too exhausted daily to have to undo the microaggressions perpetuated by R0gan.
I know we can all exclude however we want but 1. do you think this is too picky and 2. what are your dealbreakers that others might think are too picky?
Anon
I don’t think this is too picky and had the same dealbreaker. Mine was more if they mentioned Joe Rogan in their profile or seemed like a big fan. I didn’t ask if they listened to him (this was before the Covid mess). Honestly that type of hyper masculine echo chamber disguised as some sort of intellectualism is just a huge turnoff to me. It’s got a vibe of “but I’m only asking the question!!”
My dealbreaker was that the person had to have read a book in the last year. Any kind of book qualified that wasn’t right wing propaganda.
Emma
Joe Rogan listeners would be a dealbreaker for me too! My boyfriend has a few friends who listen to him occasionally (and are ashamed of it) and they’re still the type of guys I can’t imagine dating. Just sort of bro-y, selfish, not really politically engaged unless it affects them, don’t have the empathy or concern to think about issues that affect demographics other than their own. I also think there’s just a low-vibe kind of energy to it that bums me out in terms of how those types of guys relate to women. Honestly I don’t think this is picky of you at all.
You only get one partner if you’re monogamous – no reason to rush into it with someone you’re not head over heels for, since that means you’d miss out on someone who might be a more ideal match.
Mine would be:
1) Basically any comment in the early stages that I think is problematic, even if it’s a joke, and I’m out.
2) Republican.
3) Respects or worships Elon Musk.
4) Thinks the main goal of life is money/status and places less emphasis on love/relationships (I’m in SF so this feels like 80% of the guys in tech or finance).
Anon
Omg what is the deal with men worshiping Elon Musk? I don’t get it.
Anonymous
oh this is very similar to mine. Elon Musk worship is a big red flag for me. My list also includes Jordan Peterson fans, anyone who is big into evolutionary psychology, men who call women “females”, and anyone big into NFTs/crypto.
Anon
Omg evolutionary psychology is a huge red flag. Very much in my mind just means the guy believes men can cheat and act like animals, while women are expected to be emotionally tied to one person for their entire lives and that’s just the way that nature intended.
Anon
This is not too picky. Joe Rogan is an idiot who spreads misinformation. I would absolutely rule out anyone who chooses to spend their time listening to him out of the whole wide world of podcasting.
anonymous
Right. The vaccines work just as advertised.
anon
You’re not being too picky. This seems like a sensible bare minimum of a requirement, like being vaccinated.
Ann(e)
I don’t think we can tell you if you’re being too picky. It’s so personal!
For me, when I met my husband we were both politically on the same page. At some point, he drifted out of line and became much more independent. There’s a part of me that greatly respects him for not being devotedly attached to a party line, but there’s another huge part of me that can get extremely frustrated when he doesn’t agree with my progressive take on things. I love him deeply even though we don’t always agree. (This could be different if he’d gone full-Trumper, though, I admit.) All this to say that even if you select for something up front, nothing is static and it can possibly change.
But even so, your deal-breakers are your deal-breakers. I don’t think it’s a problem to say that you can’t be with someone who doesn’t share you belief system. You just have to ask yourself how strongly you value those shared beliefs and how tolerant you can be of divergence in them.
Anonymous
Hmmm. Joe Rogan is a tough one. I agree that he says very offensive things and his show is full of microaggressions. At the same time, my recent ex is very much a liberal and a feminist and has highly nuanced positions on political and societal issues and also enjoys the show because of the breadth of guests and topics covered. I think he is smart enough to be trusted to listen to it and not be swayed. That said, this guy kind of ruined me because after him I am having a hard time compromising at all on men who don’t share my views on pretty much everything. I really like one guy I am seeing but it is becoming apparent that he is averse to having strong, non-moderae opinions about political issues and it is turning me off and making me look at the trajectory of our relationship entirely differently. I thought he was going to be the “right” choice – smart, age appropriate, funny, good looking for our age, gets along with my friend –but now not so much. His observations are really dead on, but he just resists the idea of developing strong feelings about politics or taking positions that aren’t centrist and that makes me not want to bond with him.
Vicky Austin
I’m not on dating apps, but if you don’t like Joe Rogan and the guy likes Joe Rogan enough to bring him up in the profile/on the first or second date, that sounds like a 100% mismatch and I say not too picky, if there is such a thing.
Anon
Guys who listen to Joe Rogan are, in my experience, guys who like to take a “devil’s advocate” position and argue about very important issues for fun. I don’t find it fun. I’d rather be alone for the rest of my life.
BeenThatGuy
Preach!
Emma
My best friend’s boyfriend loves Joe Rogan, and after we watched the Ted Bundy biopic together, he was solidly in the pro-Ted Bundy camp. “What if we treated violence against women for pleasure as a mental health issue and/or gardening preference like being gay, instead of criminalizing it?”
Needless to say, I definitely don’t think avoiding these guys is being picky.
Anonymous
WTF?
Vicky Austin
That’s pretty gross.
Anon
Wow I don’t think I’ve ever heard of someone being vocally pro M-der. Wild. I’d also never be alone with that person again…
pugsnbourbon
I am worried about your best friend and hope she isn’t dating that guy anymore.
Anon
I’m Anon at 4:56. That’s disgusting, but exactly what I mean.
Anon
I feel like it’s relatively normal to have listened to Joe Rogan (he has interviewed all kinds of people over the years), but saying that one listens to Joe Rogan sounds like being more of a fan. So I don’t think your dealbreaker is too picky as stated. If someone referenced listening to Joe Rogan in the context of like, a Steven Pinker interview, because they’re a huge Steven Pinker fan… well, that might hit my “liking Steven Pinker” dealbreaker, but not my “liking Joe Rogan” one!
Ano
This. It’s not inherently a deal breaker, but it is a red flag, especially if it’s something they mention repeatedly early on. I don’t think any one thing should be a deal breaker, you need to look at it the context of the person as a whole.
Anon
I completely disagree that one facet of a person shouldn’t be a dealbreaker. There are very obvious extreme examples, but also there are certain dealbreakers I have that don’t need any other context for me to know we’re not a match. For example, voting for Trump in 2020 is a dealbreaker for me without any other information needed because especially by that time, everyone knew who he was and what he was about.
Anon
+1
Anon
I’m married but this would be an automatic dealbreaker for me too! Not too picky at all.
Anon 2.0
Going to go against the grain and say too picky. DH listens to Joe Rogan but that doesn’t mean he believes even a fraction of what he says. DH likes to listen to the guests and honestly, I think some of it is humor listening bc he hosts some whackjobs. DH loves MMA and Joe Rogan is a huge part of the UFC. I am not someone who believes I need to be 100% aligned with my spouse on everything but we do need to respect one another and have a workable middle ground for future parenting.
Duckles
I don’t think there is such a thing as too picky; it’s just a matter of knowing yourself enough to know whether “would a person with X/ who does Y/ who is Z ever possibly be a [serious partner/husband/date/whatever you’re looking for] for me”. It’s not too picky to say you only like blonde veterinarians with beards, democrats who play the flute or that you’d never want a relationship with someone with someone who wears socks with sandals. You just have to be ok not being in a relationship longer/ indefinitely the more specific criteria you have. For example, I live in the south and would never date someone who hunts, who’s sincerely religious, or who’s a self-described Republican. That cuts the pool by about 40% and I am entirely fine with that.
Anon
In my demographic, what about Howard Stern listeners?
FWIW I listen to NPR and Pacifica but that doesn’t mean I am all in on their editorializing. Sometimes it is just too quiet and home or I left it on that station after Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me (and PJ O’Rourke was regularly on that).
Anon
Howard Stern is eyeroll-y but totally different for me than liking Joe Rohan or voting for Trump. Wouldn’t be a dealbreaker for me.
Anon
There is absolutely no such thing as too picky. The best thing you can do for your life is to be beyond picky about who you choose to be your partner.
Emma
How do you guys deal with accepting less-rosy facts about monogamous relationships? I feel like there’s often talk of how having a crush while married is completely normal, as is being attracted to others. But I feel like such a visceral inability to embrace or accept this. The idea of my partner being interested in others or attracted to others guts me a little bit, even though cognitively I understand it’s human. This is my first real relationship, so it may also be just immaturity.
How do y’all cope/accept it?
Anon
I notice it when my husband notices other women. I also know it’s instinctual and it doesn’t mean anything about me. If he has a crush on another woman, I don’t want to know about it, but if he makes it obvious then we have a problem because that’s a basic lack of respect for me and our relationship.
anon4this
It’s easier for me when I feel safe and secure in the relationship – then I’m much more at ease with these things because I know the relationship is solid and minor things are not a real threat. If I start to feel jealous or the “pit in your stomach” feeling, it’s usually a sign that something is missing that needs to be addressed with my partner (whether there’s something I need from them that I’m not getting or I’m feeling insecure about myself/my self-worth and it’s manifesting in this way).
anon
Have you had a crush on someone else yet? I had a crush on someone I worked with when I’d been married about 6 years and it was excruciating. I hated myself for it and did everything I could to avoid said crush. It made work miserable. I was so relieved when he left after about a year. (There was never anything untoward and for all I know, that guy never thought about me other than as some coworker whose name he knew.) The point being that experiencing that helped me realize that if my husband is attracted to someone else, he’s probably just as unwelcoming to that feeling as I was. It helped me realize that (1) crushes and attraction can be completely out of your control and (2) people in loving relationships probably go out of their way to tamp them down.
I don’t like the idea of my husband being attracted to someone else, but since my own experience I’ve been a lot more relaxed about it.
Anonymous
I think of monogamy as a decision, not a condition. It’s a choice to devote yourself and your energy toward one of the many people with whom you might find a fulfilling relationship, with the goal being to maximize the chosen relationship for mutual benefit. That actually makes me feel better, because you and your partner can keep making that choice over and over again; a “condition” can change and then you can’t ever get it back.
Dr. The Original ...
I think there are differences in feelings. For example, my best friend of 20+ years’ feelings about me are different than how he feels about someone he met at a party 5 mins ago who is interesting. I may have a moment of wondering why he’s not half-listening to them while folding laundry like he sometimes does with me, but then I remember that this person is new and momentary whereas he and I would walk through fire for each other.
The same with dating; I used to think about how someone I was dating had seen others n@ked but then I realized I had too and I never compared bodies or cared, so I shouldn’t assume my mate would. If you find it being something hidden plus interactions plus deleted messages or the like where an affair is possible, that’s one thing. But my crush on Joey McIntyre or Taye Diggs or enjoying the view of the cute UPS guy isn’t going to change how I feel about my beloved with whom I share a life (assuming I ever find the latter haha). Also, attraction isn’t pie, you don’t become less attractive in the moment because a pretty person walks by and then more attractive when the person out of view! Remember that they chose you just as you chose them!
Song for this: “That Was a River” by Collin Raye
Emma
Thank you, Dr. The Original! This is really helpful to think about. I know it’s no-big-deal for me when I think someone is cute, but I guess with all of the messaging we get growing up of “men are dogs, they can’t control themselves” I always worry it’s naive to assume they are feeling/thinking the same way I would. But this reframe is so helpful and comforting.
Your comments are always so thoughtful and compassionate! You seem like a wonderful person and I am sure you’ll meet someone lovely and develop a beautiful relationship soon.
anonshmanon
All that ‘boys will be boys’ messaging is not necessarily an irrefutable truth. To me, it’s more like a self-fulfilling prophecy, and throwing up my hands just says that either I am ok with the status quo, or I find myself unable to fight it, because I know in my heart that there is a different way. We all know (I hope) decent men who in fact can control themselves, even if they aren’t perfect. So it’s not a question of whether it’s possible, it’s whether we are letting creeps and brutes off the hook.
LA Law
I am going to quote my father (faithfully married for 45 years): “Anyone with eyes notices that attractive people are attractive. Anyone with a soul meets people that could have been “the one” after they have committed to THEIR one. Only a@@holes do anything about it. Don’t date a@@holes.”
Curious
Talk to me about closet corners. We have a smallish (4″X7″?) walk-in in the main bedroom. I would like to use the corner better. Right now it’s got stacked cubes and then we store a tall fan on top of it in the winter. Would it be better to:
(1) Keep the fan storage (we use it on this floor but could plausibly store it in dead space in the baby’s closet) and just get nicer cubes?
(2) put in shelves or drawers or some unknown-to-me gadget
(3) shift our long hanging into that corner and then use the short wall behind the door (where the long hanging currently is) for some sort of shelves?
All of this seems suboptimal. My main overall closet problems are (1) husband’s dress shoes all over the floor, (2) hamper in the middle of the closet, and (3) not enough off-season storage.
I can pay the container store to do this but feel like there might be a $300 fix instead of a $1500 one.
test run
Hm… I’m kind of having a hard time picturing this exact layout. In our walk in closet we have hanging bars that go all the way around (our closet opens out in our room, though) with dressers underneath and a mix of shoe shelves and stacks of sweaters on the shelf above the hanging bar. The hamper sits in one corner.
Anon
I also can’t picture it.
I have a small closet. It’s maybe 6′ wide and no more depth than required for a hanging rod. There’s only so much you can do with this amount of space.
Curious
Yeah, I did a terrible job describing this and can’t think of how to say it better right now. Thank you!