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Some of our latest posts here at Corporette…
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And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Anony
Posted this late in the earlier thread, but might try again here.
Need some advice on coping with the emotional side of job hunting. Specifically — I usually work pretty hard at keeping my expectations very, very low for every step in the job hunt. But I recently had a second round interview for a job I want (and it went well) and now my hopes are up. I feel like a rejection is going to hurt very badly. I need to get my hopes back down (if you know what I mean) — any tips on doing so?
Kara
Anony, I know job hunt is very frustrating and it took, on an average, 3-4 months for people I know to change jobs. If you already have a job and looking, then you at least have something to distract yourself with, but patience is the key here. Rejection always hurts, and your hopes going up and down is part and parcel of the game, trust me, I’ve been there, done that. But all of this goes away when you get a job and start working.
No specific tips from me, but keep in mind that everybody goes through this, and all would be forgotten once you get a job. In the meanwhile, try to distract yourself and prepare well for interviews. It’s not like you would never get a job, you would definitely get it (and hopefully one you are better qualified for) so keep your hopes high, and get rid of all the negative thoughts. If things don’t work out with a job, then mentally list all things negative about the job (comeon, not everything is perfect in any job) and this will help you be hopeful about you next job application.
Good luck with your search and I really, really hope you get this job you’re anxious about.
anon
– Focus on developing as many leads other leads as you can, so the loss of one isn’t so bad.
– Identify a small consolation prize that you’ll give yourself if you get rejected, like a bottle of your favorite wine, or a 30 minute massage, or a trinket of some sort.
– Remind yourself that things happen for a reason. Even if you think the interview went well, they might have other reasons for going with another candidate that are, in the end, best for everyone.
Anony
I like this idea. I had been fantasizing about things I’d get myself if I DID get the job, but maybe I’ll also fantasize about things I’ll get myself if I don’t. :-)
a.
Ooh I will be doing this, too.
Red
I try to think that everything happens for a reason. I’ve gotten pretty upset about things not working out along the way, but it always seems like the next thing is better and I want it more. I hit a dry patch of interviewing around the holidays and it was pretty emotionally stressful, but thankfully things are looking up now!
associate
Yes. I cried and cried when I didn’t get my job #1 which I was sure was my dream job. I accepted a job #2 a few weeks later. Fast foward a year later… my current job #2 is actually my dream job and the other employer for job #1 went out of business and fired everyone.
CA Atty
This.
I interviewed for a job I really really wanted with some fringe anti-benefits that I really didn’t. The people were awesome, and I was told the job was mine…as soon as the funding came through. I waited for several weeks, then realized I couldn’t just sit on my tushy. I applied for a few more jobs, a few more months went by, I had a couple interviews…I got offered the job I now have. I called the job I really really wanted and was told that they would have funding for me to start at about the same time I started my current job, BUT the anti-benefits had turned into serious detriments. I told them I just couldn’t do it, and accepted my current job.
AND I LOVE IT!!!!
The people are so nice, the work is challenging and interesting, I have work-life balance, I have security, etc, etc, etc… I would have had some of these things with the other job too, but them delaying 4 months to actually give me the offer has landed me in what will probably be my “career job” in that I’ll be here for years and if I move on from here I’m almost certain I’ll stay in the same area of law.
Things do happen for a reason, but you can’t let yourself get worn down by them. I still think wistfully of that other job, but I KNOW this one is a better fit for me.
jcb
I am going to apply all of this advice to my current dating situation.
anon
the processes are strikingly similar.
PollyD
Maybe also accept that it’s okay to be hopeful. You won’t jinx yourself/tempt the fates by being optimistic (this is something I myself struggle with). Why not be happy and hopeful now?
I also really like the “consolation prize” idea. That’s a good one.
Good luck to you!
Lynnet
I’m in almost exactly this same situation, so I’m going to be reading all of these responses with interest.
I had to stop myself from buying a shirt to wear to the next round of interviews, when I don’t even know if I’ve moved on. I can’t think of anything more likely to jinx my chances! Normally I’m so good at keeping my hopes down.
January
I don’t think it’s bad to be hopeful – it does, after all, signal that you actually want the job, which is a good thing! That said, I know where you’re coming from, and I too like to keep my expectations down to protect myself from disappointment.
My only advice to you is to know that you’re going to be okay whether you get this job or not. I’ve been hunting for a more permanent job for a long time and have had lots of applications and interviews that seemed to go nowhere at all. Finally, this fall, I got an interview for a job I really wanted. I got as far as a second interview, but I didn’t get the job.
I was crushed. I even posted on Corporette about it. But the director of that organization referred me to someone else, which led to another interview, and a different networking opportunity led to more interviews, and I feel better about my job search than I did before all of this happened.
I don’t mean to sound like a Debbie Downer. I really do hope this job works out for you. But look at this way: it’s okay to hope for things, it’s also okay to be disappointed when they don’t work out, and life will absolutely go on either way. Good luck!!!
fortuna
I’m straight out of law school and applying for jobs. I get this same sort of ups and downs from finding a post that actually looks like it will fit (really, I’ve been constanting finding jobs that want 1-2 years experience or for-profit comapanies looking for part or even full time work for free) that I get all excited just to never.hear.anything. I’m just going with Dori’s (from Finding Nemo) advice: just keep swimming. It’s rough. I hope you get it.
J
KAT – if you create forums, how about creating a jobs forum or a Corporette jobs board?
I think it would be great – and I know for a fact that the head recruiter for my company is a ‘rette, although not a regular commenter. I bet a lot of people would take advantage of such a board.
anonny-me
Just wanted to offer some words of encouragement: It only takes one.
I spent the past 8 months searching for jobs and crying because I just couldn’t get a break. I literally cried at least 5 times a week. Then all of a sudden the right job came. I start next Monday and it is my dream job. It CAN and WILL happen for you. I know it’s impossible to believe (b/c everyone said it to me all the time too) but you have to believe it.
Unemployment sucks. Rejection sucks. I think the only thing that got me through it was forcing myself to the gym and saying that sometimes I was allowed to skip applying for things for a day or two if it got too overwhelming. You deserve a break, ,you deserve to find a job you like and just know that if the offer doesn’t come then it isn’t right for you. You WILL find something that you will be happy to accept!
Keep your head up. This will make you a better person and a stronger more grateful worker later.
Anon
As a seventeen-year prosecutor, ALL of my antennae are on high alert after reading your post. Do everything you can to take care of your own safety, and peoples’ feelings, inconvenience, etc be d*mned. Do what you reasonably can to be there for your roommate. She is going to need to need support sooner or later. This guy is abusive. The only question is when and how the physical abuse will manifest. If put to the curb, he will probably stalk and/or harass. Do not hesitate to get in contact with law enforcement for assistance. If he has not committed a crime, there won’t be a thing they can actually do, but you can get some good advice there. Trust your gut – and you do know what it’s saying already.
Anon
Ok. So, that was for “Worried” below.
Viv
It took me 7 different job interviews and a year and a half of job-hunting (during which I worked at a couple other jobs that were not in my desired field) to break into the industry I wanted to be in. I had the right major, two internships under my belt, and a specialized grad class about said field. I was a strong candidate, but I still had a lot to learn. When I got an interview, I always started imagining how different my life would be if I had that job. I also felt a lot of shame about not using my degree right out of college, which made the job hunt harder. But now that’s all water under the bridge. I am stronger for it and know what I’m capable of. And looking back on a lot of the jobs I didn’t get, I realize they may not have been the perfect fit. Plus, you never know who you are competing with, so don’t be too hard on yourself if you don’t get the job! You will get tougher and more effective through the process. Rejection isn’t forever.
AEK
Does anyone have recommendations for visiting Panama? It’s at the top of the list for our spring vacation: me, my husband, and our young-teenage boy. Looking for recommendations for what parts to visit and where to stay. Thanks for any suggestions or tips!
Fiona
I went to Panama in 2009 for 10 days or so. My favorite spot was Bocas del Toro, a small beach city in the northeast. We also spent a few days in the San Blas Islands — they are these remote islands with tiny resorts on the individual islands. They were very cool, but much quieter and more remote than Bocas.
I didn’t care for Panama City at all — it’s dangerous and boring at the same time. However, the Panama Canal is very, very cool, and worth hitting if you have a stopover in Panama City.
Annie
Love Bocas del Toro – so beautiful.
CA Atty
I would avoid Panama City like the plague. I was there in November or maybe the first of December and it is dangerous, boring, trafficy, etc…I would NEVER go back. We were on a cruise and went through the canal and the canal was incredible, just amazing, but if we ever do this type of cruise in the future, we’re staying on board when we get to Panama City.
Can’t speak to the outlying areas though, except that the natural beauty in that part of the world is stunning, so getting out to these islands people are mentioning is definitely the way to go.
MissJackson
Definitely visit the historic section of Panama City — it’s gone through a major revitalization recently and is really lovely!
Also — the monkey tour at Gamboa is a “must see”!
(and, obviously, the canal).
Em
I loved Bocas Del Toro (sure the San Blas Islands are lovely too, but didn’t get there, alas). I’ve heard good things about Ancon Expeditions, if you’re looking for tours – they do day trips and longer ones.
Tuesday
I’ve been twice to Panama City, and my favorite thing was visiting Barro Colorado. It’s a research island run by the Smithsonian. You have to get reservations well in advance, but IMO it was totally worth it.
We used “Your Man In Panama” for a private tour on our first trip, and were pleased with the service.
A trip through the canal is obviously needed, but the half-day tour is enough.
On my second trip, we rented an apartment for the week, which worked really well.
Em
Oh yes, I did Barro Colorado Island too – it was extremely neat! And there’s a fascinating book about it called something like The Tapir’s Morning Bath.
Tuesday
Thanks — I wasn’t aware of that book.
cbackson
Oh man. Do I ever. I used to live there.
-I strongly disagree that Panama City is dangerous. I have trouble even understanding how one *could* thing of PTY as dangerous. The neighborhoods that are unsavory are places a tourist will almost certainly never even see. I lived along in PTY and don’t think of myself as particularly intrepid (and am very obviously gringo) and never felt a moment’s concern for my safety.
-PTY has two historic areas: Panama Viejo (the original Spanish settlement) and Casco Viejo (the colonial quarter). If you can only visit one, I’d see Casco Viejo, which is still a vibrant district (and my former home!) while PV is ruins at this point.
-In PTY, I’d recommend eating at Manolo Caracol (in Casco Viejo) and La Posta (in Bella Vista). You can also take a taxi out to the end of the Causeway and eat at any of several seafood restaurants out there. I recommend Barko.
-The Miraflores locks are worth seeing. They also have a restaurant, which is expensive but which provides you with the very cool opportunity of eating outside at night while ships go through the locks. The restaurant is 3 or 4 floors up, so you’re on the level with the navigation towers of the ships. Very cool.
-I dislike Bocas del Toro because it’s extremely touristy, but for a short visit (and if you’re not experienced off-the-beaten-path travelers), it is easy to get around, has lots of activities, etc.
-I’d see if you can find a day trip to Portobelo – ideally, one that includes snorkeling and a visit to Fort San Lorenzo. I don’t necessarily recommend driving out there yourself, for a variety of reasons (mostly logistical), but it’s very cool and something that most foreigners don’t visit.
-I like Boquete, which is a town in the coffee-growing region at the foot of Panama’s highest mountain. I’d probably take an internal flight (the bus is 7 hours) to David, and get a taxi from there. I stayed at the Hotel Panamonte with my parents, which is quite nice and has car service. You can do a lot of great hikes, horseback rides, rafting, etc.
AEK
Thank you all for the ideas!
I dream of .... jean-?
Need some advice. Is it permissible to wear trouser type, lightweight “jeans” (a la Halogen’s Taylor cut?) … planning a trip to the following places
Oman, Egypt, Jordan
Just want to be appropriate, so I thought slacks would be easier with all the climbing around than full-length skirts. Planning on slacks, tunics w/ long sleeves or long sleeved camis, or tanks if the sleeves are full length in the first place. Will be wearing athletic Merrell lace ups on the feet. Wanting to conserve on items of course.
I know we will be mosques, so I”m prepared with a headscarf, but it seems to always slip (did alot in Istanbul) … help? I have thin, bobbed hair w/ bangs.
Many thanks – a long time in the planning and the time is getting closer!
Many thanks!
Blonde Lawyer
Man, I need to get off Corporette and do some work. Anyway, my brother just did a semester in Jordan with a week in Oman and a week in Egypt. His trip was coed. Some of the females ran into a couple issues. Email me at projectmundaneart at gmail and I will connect you with him via email. I’m sure he can answer all your questions or connect you with a female student who can!
Em
I lived in Egypt for a year. Pants are completely fine – you wouldn’t want super tight ones but it sounds like that’s not what you’re planning at all.
MeliaraofTlanth
I lived in Egypt for a year. Pants are completely fine – you wouldn’t want super tight ones but it sounds like that’s not what you’re planning at all.
Diana Barry
Having traveled in other hot places which required long skirts or pants, I would NOT recommend jeans – they tend to be really hot. More flowing pants (I am thinking Eileen Fisher or similar) would be more comfortable in the heat.
sobstory
Depends when you’re going. Jordan and Egypt can be chilly and rainy through Aprilish.
Ellen
Be careful not to let thim see you naked! Fooey!
ceb
I spent part of a summer doing research in Egypt (granted it was 10 years ago, but . . . ). I agree that linen pants are probably the best option: they keep you covered but cool, you can wash them in the sink and the dry overnight, and they look good even when a little wrinkled. I would say look for unlined ones that are thick enough that they aren’t see-through. I would try to find at least one long skirt that you can live with. Also, invest in a couple of summer-weight light wraps (Target has some cute ones right now), as they are nice to thrown on before going into a mosque, etc.
ML
I lived in Egypt and have traveled in the Middle east. Pants are totally fine as long as they are not super skinny. Jeans can be hot in the summer, but the winters actually shouldn’t be too bad. I always wore pants in the winter and light weight middie skirts (not full length) in the summer). Lightweight black cotton trousers are probably your best bet for versatility and hiding stains, but a light weight jean should work too. Also keep in mind that what is culturally appropriate varies a lot depending on whether you are in the city or the country. The city will be much more cosmopolitan. You might want to bring one nice skirt in case you go out somewhere- to broadly generalize, those countries tend to be more formal and dressy than what you might be used to in the U.S. (are you american?) and you might get weird looks wearing sneakers and jeans to a nice restaurant. (this is a huge generalization- take it with a grain of salt). I wouldn’t worry too much about the head scarf slipping. It’s not Iran. Just try your best, they will likely know at first glance that you are a tourist anyway, and cut you slack.
I dream of .... jean-?
Thanks for all the advice. We won’t be staying in town, as we’re actually taking a cruise so the hotel/restaurants are with us. Mostly it is all guided tours out and about. Thanks for the updates on the weather. We’ll be there the first 3 weeks in April in general. I’m really excited to see all these places (and maybe run into Dr. H at the Cairo Museum? He’s such a star on all the Egypt-obsessed cable shows now.)
Yes, I’m from the US, but as a child I lived in Karachi, so I’m familiar with the basics, but that was a loooooong time ago and I thought perhaps there was some leeway. When we travel, we don’t like to “stick out” so other than walking shoes that lace-up, I do like to blend in. Of course, getting off a tour bus is working against that!
Thanks to all.
Anon
For scarf slippage, try to stick with cotton. Silk and synthetics are too slippery. If you want, you may be able to buy a stitched head scarf when you get there. It’s like a hood stitched closed under the chin. Maybe overkill. For tops, I suggest wearing tops that cover your backside, e.g, longer tees or tunics. Quick drying lightweight travel pants, cargo and other styles, may be a good option. Check REI.
More bunion talk
After the recent talk about bunions, I thought I’d chime in and ask for advice – Mine aren’t too bad, but I just got my first cortisone injection to keep the swelling down. Has anyone done this who is willing to share their experience with me? Thank you much.
Batgirl
Since I’m one of the resident feet people (sigh), I thought I’d respond…but I never had the cortisone shots. Sounds to me like they must be pretty painful to get the shots, though. I’d consider the surgery if I were you. I’m definitely glad I did it.
Tuesday
I went straight for surgery as soon as mine got bad enough — the doc was waiting for the angle of separation to be beyond some # of degrees. My grandmother had terrible terrible terrible bunions, and I remember the pain she was in, so I was anxious to avoid. I also figured that healing doesn’t get easier with age. I did both feet, four weeks apart. Pins were in for 3 months. I ended up having two very different experiences — my first foot was completely easy, no worries, no drama. The second foot was much worse, much more pain and longer-lasting discomfort, I needed physical therapy while the pin was still in, afterwards I got a neuroma that I attribute to the shifted bones, I needed physical therapy to fix built-up scar tissue, and so on. For the first foot I had swelling for 9 or 10 months. The second foot was swollen for more like 18 months, and is still a bit more fussy. Nevertheless, I would do it again, because I still believe that the bunions would have gotten worse with accompanying pain and discomfort. YMMV, of course.
jcb
This is probably a stupid question, but how long before you could get back to the gym? Was running on a treadmill totally out of the question for that 18 months?
Kanye East
I only had surgery on one foot, but I was back to running after a few weeks.
Tuesday
I wasn’t allowed to do anything other than walk* until the pins came out, so three months per foot (plus a week or so for the post-pin stitches to come out), but four calendar months since they overlapped. The swelling was uncomfortable, but really just affected the shoes I could wear — it was a long time until I got into my old shoes, but eventually I even got back into some of my pre-bunion shoes — the ones from before the bunion started bumping out.
*Even using the foot straps on the Pilates tower was not allowed.
Batgirl
I had titanium screws permanently placed in my feet. I am not a runner, but I was back in the gym after about 8 weeks after surgery. I don’t think I tried to run for a little while–maybe 4 or 5 months? Even then, I was cautious. But I did the elliptical and bike with no problems about 8 weeks afterward.
Kanye East
I had a cortisone injection post-surgery to help with pain and swelling, and it worked great for me. Instant relief. (I’ve also had two epidural steroid injections into my spinal canal, but that’s a completely different story.) Just know that more than three injections at the same site aren’t recommended (or even possible), so it’s not a good long-term fix for a chronic problem.
Anonymous
Does anyone have any advice for dealing with work while dealing with starting birth control pills for the first time in a year or so? I work a pretty high stress job, and it’s been 4 days, but I can feel it making me a bit more tired and moody already. I’m hoping some of you ladies have some tips on how to offset the adjustment period. TIA!
DA
Whenever I switched BC, I told my coworkers that I was fighting off the flu (hinting that it was stomach related)…
jcb
That’s the worst, isn’t it? Makes you feel like a teenager. Just be mindful of it when you feel like you’re about to lose your temper or get upset. Just think – it’s not this situation that has me upset, it’s the hormones, this too shall pass. Also, chocolate always helps. :-)
nona
After the first month of taking them, I figured out I had to take them just before going to bed, rather than in the morning. Otherwise the ravenous hunger (and mild nausea) and the need to take a nap mid-afternoon were unavoidable.
Anon Canadian
I’ve been on about 6 different types of birth control pill over the last 14 yrs, and just got off in November (not longer actively blocking babies!). Whenever I’ve changed type of pill I’ve gotten really nauseaus for about a week to a month while my body got use to the different hormones. I always took my pill between 12pm-2pm because it was always easy for me to be consitant at that time and eating with in an hour of taking the pill helped a bit with the nausea.
As for being tired and moody, just try and take a good multi vitamin. I found that that helped to counter-act some of the side effects from the hormones.
Pam
I need some foundation recommendations, something with very light/sheer coverage, just used to even out skin tone. My go-to was from MAC but was discontinued a couple of years ago, and since then I’ve been trying out different MAC options but haven’t loved any of them and I think I need to branch out and try another brand. Any suggestions before I just randomly walk into Sephora and ask for help?
30
I love BareMinerals. If you only need minimal coverage, you might consider one of those BB creams (I have no specific recs in that area b/c I need more than tinted moisturizer-level coverage).
MaggieLizer
Second BareMinerals.
eh230
Laura Mercier is really nice, and you have the option of tinted moisturizer or foundation. The foundation is super sheer but somehow covers well too.
S
Bobbi Brown. AMAZING. It pumps, so you can control how much you want to use very easily. It’s very sheer, but it also layers well. My skin has never looked better.
Confessions
I love Laura Mercier. I use their mineral make-up line and love the light-weight feel and air-brush like coverage. Best of all, I love that it doesn’t look like you’re wearing make-up.
Latina
I second Bobbi Brown. There are so many different shades. If you go to Nordstrom or Bloomingdales the people at the counter are always very helpful. If you tell them you’re looking for something knew they will also give you a week’s worth of foundation in different shades. This way you can try them out for yourself. If you switch to BB invest in their foundation brush!
Also, look into tinted moisturizers if you don’t need full coverage.
Circe
+1 for BB. Often shades are too pink/orange for me, and BB is not.
Rural Juror
Clinique has something thats actually a tinted moisturizer but I use it as foundation- moisture surge tinted moisturizer. Has SPF, is very lightweight and it can provide as much or as little coverage you want, depending on how thick you put it on. Reasonably priced too!
Backgrounder
I like Sue Devitt’s 70% Triple Seaweed Foundation – it’s water based very sheer/natural with light to medium coverage. It can be kind of hard to find though which is annoying. I believe Sephora used to carry her line but not anymore. A bottle lasts forever and I typically order online.
Worried
Over the last few weeks, it’s becoming clearer and clearer that something is very off with my roommate’s/very good friend’s boyfriend of a few months. It’s not that I just don’t like the guy, it’s more like I think he’s somewhat unstable and has the potential to become emotionally abusive.
He regularly goes through all of her emails, texts, and Facebook messages, both in front of her and behind her back, and then confronts her if he sees anything he doesn’t ‘like’. He even reads messages between her and myself and our other friends to see if “we say anything bad about him”. Her phone malfunctioned recently, causing her to lose all of her text messages, and her first reaction was fear at how mad he’d be at her. He accuses her of doing horrible things without any evidence and threatens to leave her, then cuddles her and tells her how much he loves her once she cries/breaks down. He recently told her he had professional background checks performed on her and all of her exes last week.
He will correct her if she refers to anything as “hers” and or “mine”, telling her everything should be “ours” or “theirs”. He has a key to our place from when he once housesat for us over a long weekend, will not give it back to her, and now regularly lets himself in and drops by without any notice. This guy is great on paper and totally charming when you first meet him, but now that I’ve gotten to know him, it seems like there’s a lot of red flags popping up and there’s another one every week.
I am getting really, really worried about her and this relationship, as it seems like he’s only getting more possessive and more manipulative the longer it goes on. Her family lives across the country, so unfortunately none of her relatives are likely to step in. Another one of our friends tried to talk to my roommate recently about her concerns about her boyfriend, and my roommate got really mad at her.
I really want to say something out of concern but I don’t want to make things awkward between us because we live together. When she confides in me about his behavior, I try to gently suggest that this is not normal behavior and that a healthy relationship shouldn’t be like this, but all she sees is how nice he is when he’s not mad/spying/accusing her of something.
Does anyone have any advice? It’s much appreciated.
anon
Change your locks!! If even half of this is true, I’d be afraid for both of you. He sounds like American Psycho. And this creep has a key to your apartment. Is he going through your things too? This moves beyond the “your BF stinks” category into “this guy is putting us in danger and it’s not acceptable”.
1) Change your locks. Your roommate is NOT allowed to give him a new key, and if she does, you should move out of there.
2) Make a list of all these weird things (the reference checks, the key, the email filtering), sit down with her in a neutral place, bring a mutual friend, and do an intervention. Explain that these simple facts of his behavior are not normal. If she can’t see that, she has other issues and should see a therapist.
Seriously, this guy sounds like the types described in “Gift of Fear” (which you should read). He’ll move onto physical abuse soon enough. Please act.
Research, Not Law
I’ve put up with weird roommate boyfriends, but this is a whole different level. Just your description is scary. I agree with everything anon said. This situation is not good for you or her.
Worried
I would LOVE to change our locks, but both of them would freak out. She’s convinced herself that he’s a great guy; that he just has a few trust issues and he’ll get over them once they’ve been together for awhile. Clearly that is not a likely possibility, but she’s incredibly sensitive to any sort of negative comment or perceived slight towards him.
anon
This is terrible. I hate to be dramatic, but at what point does this cross the line? I can easily imagine that he’ll get outraged one evening over some perceived slight (like, her not answering her phone), have a few too many drinks and then come busting into your apartment, ready to take a swing at your roommate. And you, if you happen to be in the way.
I’m sorry, not helping. I wish you luck. Perhaps a domestic abuse hotline would be helpful.
cfm
I’m sure its in your lease that you can’t be giving the keys to third persons. To be honest, even though this sucks for, I would say you lost your key so you have to have the locks changed, and tell her privately (not him) that he can’t have a key. Be a support for her, but also work on getting out of there. I understand she is sensitive so keep reiterating that you are there for her, but you also need to tell her how alarming this is. (because it is very, very, alarming) If I lived with a friend and she changed the locks and didnt want my bf to have a key, I would think”Wtf! What is her problem. why doesnt she want him to have a key.. hmm.. wait a minute” Hopefully her reaction will go from anger to thoughtful
Susan
Your safety is priority one here. Her safety is important, but you can’t control that— you can only do as others have suggested and give her the Gavin de Becker book to read and try to be as kind to her as possible. I hope you are able to help her, but if she wants to dig herself deeper into this dark hole of control/abuse, don’t let the hope of saving her put you in danger. You may have to accept that you can’t save her, ultimately. Sacrificing yourself won’t fix whatever psychological issues she has that makes her think that this creep is a “great guy.”
How much time is left on your lease? I am hoping not much– seriously, start apartment-hunting now. The changing of locks thing might violate a condition of your lease– I don’t know what’s in your lease, but you do. Check into that.
anonymous
Worried – he is going to freak out anyway. He already has. That’s part of his strategy. Freak out, be nice, freak out again. Eventually the cycle escalates to include violence. You know he’s unstable and you should assume he will continue to behave dangerously, so people are recommending that you do what you can to protect yourself.
MissJackson
This. Please take steps to keep yourself safe, immediately.
K in NYC
contact the landlord about changing the locks… the landlord won’t want trouble there and if you let him/her/them know that roommate has given someone a key, they will likely change the locks anyway either to a key you can’t duplicate or they’ll let her know that she can’t give out a copy of the new one. Your safety can’t be second to her feelings.
Also, I’d try to chat with her once in a neutral way by asking her questions, not by telling her what to think/feel. (ie: I’m curious about whether you think he may be overstepping for someone so early into the relationship with you, what do you think?) If she isn’t backing off, you need to be looking for a new apt. You don’t need the fear and the issues.
Also, call the local hospital and ask to speak with someone about domestic violence. You can ask the person they connect you to for details on how to proceed.
Worried
Thanks for the concern, honestly. I was a little afraid I was overreacting or being too sensitive, so it’s nice to know my fears are not unwarranted.
I will make it a priority to figure out a way to get the locks changed. I’m fortunate in that I’m rarely home, only for an hour or two a day and then the rest of the time at my boyfriend’s (where I have a key to and can hide out if needed), but now it’s at the point where I don’t like leaving her alone with him either.
Our official move-out date is 8 months away, but my boyfriend and I are talking about moving in together soon, so hopefully I’ll be out of my current living situation soon.
I am also going to do some research on approaching and helping victims of emotional/domestic abuse. I want to support her and let her know that his behavior is not okay, but I also want to avoid her getting angry and isolating herself, which will only make things worse.
eaopm3
I would avoid bad-mouthing the boyfriend or pressuring your roommate to take immediate action. As you have seen in the past, this can backfire and she may withdraw to the point where she refuses to accept your help, which is exactly how her boyfriend wants her: isolated. I understand that an urgent issue is your own safety, so I do recommend dealing with the issue about the key by explaining that you don’t feel comfortable with anyone else having a key and that you want to get the locks changed. Once you feel safe(r) from him, then you can try to address the abuse your roommate is clearly experiencing. Read up on how to approach someone experiencing domestic abuse so that you take the correct approach to the situation. In the meantime, continue to reaffirm her notion that his behavior is not normal or acceptable and be a trustworthy friend so that she can gain the confidence to break things off with him. I don’t envy your position, but I am so glad to see that you recognize the signs of abuse and that you are ready to help your roommate.
zora
These are way beyond red flags. This is clearly abusive behavior already. I have not been in this situation, so I don’t have practical advice, but I wanted to agree that you should do *something* and lend my moral support. This will be hard, but especially since you are living in the same house, you really need to do something asap.
Circe
I agree with anon. Have her read The Gift of Fear by Gavin deBecker. It’s a must. If she’s really defensive, just be all “I heard something about how all women should read this book, and I found it really helpful [which you will once you read it], and now I’m making all my friends read it.” Follow up and talk about the book generally. You need to read it too, obviously. This worked for a friend of mine who was not willing to talk about it. In fact, we never talked about the book other than “oh wasn’t that chapter on this thing interesting” and “this story about the [insert a story that is reminiscent of any of her boyfriend’s actions] was really scary. Makes you think.” That is, until months later when she left him and was in the process of sorting herself out. She thanked me for giving her the book.
The nice-mean-really nice thing he’s pulling is classic abuser profile.
Also, do an assessment at Gavin deBecker’s site (google it – mosaic maybe? It’s free) inputting what you know about the boyfriend, you might be surprised at the result. If she’s defensive, tread lightly, but be ready to pounce when she shows she might be receptive.
Can you put a lock on your door for the time being?
Worried
I’ve ordered The Gift of Fear off of Amazon and will be “loaning” it to her as soon as it comes. Thank you for the suggestion. I’m also Googling his assessment right now.
Circe
And you are absolutely not overreacting, just to be clear. In the slightest.
Agree with anon
I agree with anon (and the others): this guy is bad news, for you and for your roommate.
However, you can control only your own actions. So, I would:
1. Tell roommate that you do not feel safe around BF
2. Therefore, you want to change the locks and not give him the new key
3. Otherwise, you will find a new place to live.
4. And then do it.
First, this will protect you (if you move) and you and roommate (if you change the locks). Second, even if she refuses to change the locks and ends up living alone with him, perhaps seeing that you are serious enough about how unsafe he is to actually move will help her get some clarity at some point.
Notalawyer
Do you have any law enforcement friends or relatives? It might help to discuss the situation with them and get some ideas.
Frankly, I get the feeling that he is picking your friend (and you as well) because you are ‘too nice’ and passive. If she had never allowed this behavior to get to this point, he would have moved on to an easier victim. She needs to stop this in its tracks. She’ll be vulnerable, so another reason to get some backup help prepared.
Anonymous
You are entitled to protect yourself as a woman, and (while others may disagree) you have somewhat of an obligation to alert your roommate that his behavior is spiraling towards abusive. End of story. There are less tactful ways of doing it and more tactful ways of doing it. How you choose to do it is up to you. But don’t put yourself in harm’s way, and if you can get your roommate to see the light and get out of harm’s way, all the better. Better awkward than dead (morbid, but true).
Plus, chances are he doesn’t care for her nearly as much as she thinks he does. If she gets wise and strong, he’ll move on. My roommate is in a long-distance relationship with a similar type of guy. I suspected his posessiveness and general strangeness were the result of HIM cheating on HER ( a “me doth thinks the boyfriend protest too much” situation, combined with a few other oddities). As I had no concrete proof, I didn’t feel comfortable confronting her, so I said, “Something is off. I can’t put my finger on it. I know he cares, but he’s not laying everything out on the table…” Turns out, he WAS cheating, and she caught him (and living with the girl, while being a controlling pig to my roommate. Yuck!) I’m still waiting for her to get wise and strong, but moral of the story: Don’t worry about killing the dream of romance and love for your roommate. The sooner she sees that he is a manipulative douche, the better.
Anonymous
Same anon. I should add that I’ve told her a million times that the boyfriend fits the classic abuser profile.
Worried
Yes, I know I need to do something, as both her roommate and as her friend. It’s just a matter of figuring out what and how to do it, as the situation is delicate and I don’t want to alienate her or make her so mad that she isolates herself and I can’t help her anymore. She’s convinced he’s great, except for these few little “tendancies” or “issues”, as she calls them, so it makes approaching her difficult. But I will do something.
Anonymous
Same anon. I found that prefacing my comments with, “If I didn’t know any better, I’d say….” helped with getting her to open up on the touchy topics. But change your locks and protect yourself. No one can fault you for that. Good Luck! <3
Anonymous1
“He regularly goes through all of her emails, texts, and Facebook messages, both in front of her and behind her back, and then confronts her if he sees anything he doesn’t ‘like’. He even reads messages between her and myself and our other friends to see if “we say anything bad about him…This guy is great on paper and totally charming when you first meet him, but now that I’ve gotten to know him, it seems like there’s a lot of red flags popping up and there’s another one every week.”
You got great advice about how to manage your living situation, so I just want to share this, to help you understand the severity of the situation.
I dated and was engaged to a guy who did this kind of stuff you’re talking about. This was pre-email and text messaging, but he would call multiple times a day to make sure I was where I had said I was going to be, follow me when I went out with my friends, would constantly talk about how “untrustworthy” my friends were, etc. We also did the constant back-and-forth where he would interrogate me and accuse me of terrible things, and then say he was sorry and be loving when I finally broke. It was all because “he loved me so much,” I was hanging around with “people who were bad for me” and he “knew I needed his help.”
I’m guessing that this is a pretty new relationship that seems like it’s gotten very serious very quickly, more quickly than you would have thought was realistic – am I right? That’s part of the abuser pattern.
The constant surveillance/interrogation went on for about a year and a half and then one night, we got in an argument when he’d been drinking and he shoved me into a wall, face-first. It escalated from there. The harder I tried to break away, the more forceful he became about always knowing where I was, who I was with, and what I was doing. If I didn’t do what he wanted me to do, or he felt I had “lied” to him or was “deceiving” him, he would very often get physically violent. At minimum, it meant four or five hours arguing in person or on the phone until he broke me down and made me admit I was wrong.
The final straw was when he showed up at a house party I was attending with some friends and lured me into his car. He had a loaded gun. He threatened to kill me, and then kill himself. To this day, I don’t know how I talked my way out of the car. But I did, and then called the police. Had to get a restraining order, the whole nine yards. I still have nightmares about being with him that night in the car with the gun pointed at me.
My ex, like your friend’s boyfriend, was “great on paper” and totally charming. He was also an abusive sociopath. He ended up in jail a few years later for nearly beating someone to death in a bar fight – the guy had dared to talk to his girlfriend and that was it. The man he beat ended up paralyzed and disfigured, and my ex committed suicide just before he was sentenced to prison, after trying to kill his girlfriend (she escaped, thankfully). I am very fearful for your friend and for you if this relationship continues. She needs help to understand what is happening, and she needs it now. From here, I would say the next step is that he will try to distance her from you and the rest of her friends because when you isolate someone from their support structure, they’re easier to control. This guy is not insecure, nervous or paranoid; he is doing this to control your friend. He will not stop until he has the level of control he wants, which is total. He will try a lot of different things to separate her from her support network and become more and more dependent on him and his affection and approval, and you are in a position to say something to help her find her way out of it.
Please encourage your friend to see a counselor that specializes in domestic violence or call a domestic violence hotline. Her boyfriend is emotionally abusing her and the next step is physical abuse. She is trapped in his web and needs help getting out. I would never have gotten away from my ex – even after the gun incident – without the loving, supportive help of my friends, who stood by me through everything. Good luck.
Anon
Thank you for sharing this. I hope hearing your story will help women who may be in the early stages of such a relationship realize where it’s headed and get out.
anon for this
While I was lucky to get out of an emotionally abusive relationship before physical violence was targeted at me, it was extremely difficult to extricate myself. My ex-boyfriend, like many abusers, directed a lot of effort at isolating me from my friends, with an fair amount of success. It was only after he had graduated, and I no longer saw him day to day that I was able to re-establish my friendships and get out. So, by all means, do what you need to do to protect yourself, but also do whatever you can to stay connected to your friend. She will need your help.
zora
yes, thank you for sharing
anonymous
how horrific! thank you for sharing and i’m so glad you were able to move past this.
Another Anon
I had the same experience as Anonymous, but left shortly after the first physical abuse, which came after about a year together. He shoved me into a wall hard enough that I broke my closet door. I still didn’t leave right away, and at one point attempted suicide because I thought that was the only way out. When I woke up in the mental ward of my local hospital, I finally had my a-ha! moment. I’d never been suicidal before (or since), and was unrecognizable to myself. I saw a counselor who helped me extract myself from the relationship. One of the books I read (I know it’s old and sort of a cliche, but it worked for me) was Codependent No More. It taught me that I cannot change anyone.
Two more things, quickly. First, my friends tried to help me but I had to come to it myself. That doesn’t mean don’t try–by all means, try! Just a heads-up. And second: when my boyfriend found me unconscious next to a suicide note, he didn’t call an ambulance. He was angry that the note/my attempt put him in a bad light. Luckily, a good friend of mine happened to drop by and, when he saw I was unconscious (the boyfriend trashed the note), rushed me to the hospital.
Good luck to you and your friend. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Anon
Late to the discussion – but another book rec. My sister was astounded at how eerily this described her ex-husband: Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. It looks into all the ways controlling/abusive men get to you – emotionally, physically, etc., in order to get under your skin and gain total power over you.
Kanye East
Laura Mercier or Bobbi Brown tinted moisturizers. Forever and ever, amen.
Kanye East
This was to Pam, above. Grumble.
Barrister in the Bayou
Need some advice ladies… I have been making some changes in my life in the past few months and I have been considering another change as an experiment. I’m 28 and I have been on BC since I was about 18. I’m considering getting off BC to see if my mood improves. I’ve been dealing with anxiety for a little bit and I get a case of the blues every now and again (no meds necessary). I guess I just want to see what I’m like off of the pill and I also want to see if the pill is inhibiting weight loss.
Any advice on what to expect?
JJS
I did this about a year ago and it has been great for me. Over the 10 or so years I was on the pill I had to keep increasing the dosage and ended up an emotional mess at the end. I was getting really angry and anxious, crying, and pretty much being crazy. DH and my mother both said something was wrong and so I quit for that reason and a few others.
After a few months of being BC freee I felt a lot better physically and, more importantly, mentally. The only negative has been that my cramps are now really intense, fetal position and pain meds intense, and I never had them at all before. I plan to follow up with my OBGYN about the pain next month, but it is worth it to feel stable again.
law talking girl
I went off the pill about 6 weeks ago. I had also taken it for 10 years straight and wanted to experiment to see if it would improve my mood a little bit. So far I have detected absolutely no change (either positive or negative) in my moods (nor have I noticed a change in my weight). Huh.
brooke
Same here — it’s been about 3 months and nothing really is different at all, except worse cramps, a longer period, and a bit more PMS. I didn’t ever really have any side effects while on it, but just had taken it for so long that I wanted to see if it was different. I’m likely going back on it next month.
annnon
If you will be using a backup method while you are off of them I say try it. I went off for almost a year for most of the same reasons you stated above. I felt great. I lost that extra 5 lbs that were always there and my mood just felt “lighter”. For some reason I had SUCH heavy periods and insane cramps which was a bit strange but other than that and not being able to know the exact date you will start your period, it was amazing.
And then my husband and I messed up with the backup and now we have a little one… I’m back on them now. :)
JB
I posted on the weekend thread about getting off the pill 4 months ago. There are some pros and cons in my experience. I feel like I have been in a better mood, no weight fluctuation, and a better s-x drive. However, I broke out horribly on my back and my skin and hair are more oily. I am thinking about going back on until my SO and I are ready to try and have a baby because being someone who has never had pimples before they are horrible!
Anon
I’ve been off about 10 months now. Overall, a decent experience. My mood does feel lighter, but my body does not. I did not lose or gain an ounce as a result of going off. My biggest complaint is that my skin is terrible now. I’m breaking out on my back and chest and have cystic acne on my face (and in my hairline – eww!). Small price to pay though if it helps with your mental state.
I would warn though, as someone who has little to no physical effect from hormone fluctuations generally (I took my BC in the morning and never had any problems with nausea, headaches, etc.), I had horrible withdrawal problems. I felt faint and sick for days and actually fainted once at work.
Anonymous
You might also consider talking to your doctor and seeing if there is a different BC pill you could try. The first time two brands of BC I tried gave me very serious depression and mood swings. I went off it totally for a few years and went back on a different brand about 4 months ago and am now totally fine mood-wise. Not saying that you shouldn’t get off the pill if you want to, but it’s just something to consider. For me, a tri-phasic pill is what works better mood-wise, but I don’t know if that’s the same for everyone.
Jas
BC hormones and my moods don’t get along well. I’ve never spent more than a couple years on the pill at a time, so I don’t know what to expect there, but I definitely notice a change when I’m off the pill. When I’m on it, it’s like my mood is set a few steps down. I’m not sad all the time, but when I’m sad, I’m sadder, when I’m happy, I’m not quite as happy, and my “neutral” mood is less happy than my non-pill neutral. When I go off the pill it’s like my mood gradually moves up.
On the extreme end, I was getting Depo Provera shots for a few years and then went off them. I had been on them long enough that I had thought of myself as being bad as handling stressful situations. It turns out I’m not bad at it at all, and it was hormones that made me into an anxiety-laden, crying mess. So that was nice. I hope you have a similar result with your anxiety.
Anon Canadian
As I said earlier, I had been on about 6 different types of birth control pill over the last 14 yrs (13-27), and just got off in November. I’m about 10 weeks off now and I haven’t noticed any physical or emotional differences. I also get the blues every now and then (no meds necessary) so it’ll be interesting to see if that happens less. My periods have been ridiculously irregular though, I’ve only had one since my last withdrawal bleed (what happens on the hormone free pills). The period wasn’t any more or less painful then normal. And I normally have very painful periods, perscription painkillers, sick days, etc. I went on the pill in the first place because of irregular periods and was told that it would help to regulate them. Now they’re saying it may take a while with out the pill for my body to regulate itself. I just bought Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler which is supposed to be very informative. I’m hoping it will shed some light on how to get my body in sync.
Anne-on
I went off hormonal BC for a while and it was fabulous. Some people just don’t handle the hormones in BC very well, and I was one of them. Getting off the pills meant I almost instantly felt more ‘normal’ and even-keeled, I lost a bit of weight, and I just felt more like myself than I had in years.
I’m seriously dreading the possibility of going back on hormonal BC after this pregnancy b/c of the mood issues – seriously – pregnancy hormones were waaay easier on me than some types of BC pills I was on.
Anon Canadian
Have you considered the copper IUD. I don’t remember the brand name but it’s hormone free. My cousin is a midwife and sings it’s praises not only as a professional opinion but also a personal one.
job hunting
The pill made me have temper tantrums (like a two-year-old, seriously, sitting in a corner and screaming, my poor boyfriend was so confused!) and gain weight. I am now a normal human being. I have good days and bad days, but no temper tantrums. Also, I lost about 5-7 lbs and they have stayed off in the year+ that I have not been on the pill.
Anon
I have a brown herringbone suit from Ann Taylor that I really like, but would love some help styling it. (Will post the link separately.) So far, I’ve worn it with a cream colored shell underneath and brown heels. I think this looks fine, but am wondering if there’s anything more versatile I can do with it, or if I am just stuck with this same combo any time I wear it. Are there any other colors that would be appropriate? I work in a conservative environment. Thanks!
Anon
Link: http://www.anntaylor.com/ann/product/AT-Tall/AT-Tall-View-All/Tall-Sophisticated-Herringbone-Jacket/266263?colorExplode=false&skuId=90261794&catid=cat140012&productPageType=search&defaultColor=8706
Jas
Purple would be gorgeous. Maybe a deep eggplant or a light lilac? Also, I think burnt orange would be nice.
TCFKAG
I also think that either a coral shell or a turquoise shell would be lovely with that, especially in the spring and summer to lighten it up. :-)
Kara
It is a beautiful jacket!
MeliaraofTlanth
purple, deep green, light blue. Maybe some shade of red? It’s a pretty neutral color, so I think most things would work, but I’ll defer to Ru, the color queen.
Former MidLevel
This suit is completely neutral – you can wear any color you like. Some colors that might look especially pretty with this brown, however, include: aqua, deep teal, most shades of pink, deep red colors (e.g., cranberry, burgundy), buttercream. Also any print that includes brown (this color or a few shades either way) would be an easy complementary choice.
Try holding up the pants to your favorite shirts and shells – you may be surprised by how many look good to you.
DC Association
+1. Anything would go with it. Think of it like black. You could even wear black with it when paired with great jewelry!
Salit-a-gator
+2. It’s a power neutral (better than black in my opinion because you can wear yellow with it and not seem like a bumble bee). Any color will work.
SC
I love any gem tone with brown – purple, green, blue as long as it’s bright enough. I also love Jas’s suggestion of burnt orange and would add tangerines and reds to the list, maybe with a couple of bright yellow accents that are popular now (since your office sounds too conservative for a yellow tuxedo jacket). Finally, if your wardrobe is mostly neutrals, you could try mixing blacks and browns, for example wearing the blazer over a black sheath dress or wearing the pants with a black and white print top and colorful blazer.
Good luck!
Anon
Thank you for all the suggestions! You all have inspired me to be more colorful!
cfm
Im going to miss a friends bridal shower and would like to send a gift. Do I send the gift to her house, or to the hostess’ house
jr
I say your choice. If you want her to open it at the shower with all the other presents, send it to the hostess. If you want her to open it privately and just to say you are thinking of her, send it to her house. Note–if she has to travel to the shower, it would probably be easier for her if you sent it to her house (one less thing to bring home).
Kara
If you know the hostess, you could probably sent it to her.
Impostor Syndrome
Just need to anonymously vent for a second: I’ve been feeling big time impostor syndrome lately because my job has been thrusting me into some really high level meetings/discussions/strategy sessions. Was just sent a memo from the very beginning of a case I’m working. The date? Yeah, I was a junior in high school when this was written. There is a part of my brain that keeps screaming “Do you guys realize I am 27 years old and have no idea what I’m doing??”
Really need to get that part of my brain to shut up. I do know what I’m doing.