ByKat Hours Updated
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Coffee Break: Rhinestone Loafers

glittery loafers covered with rhinestones

What are your favorite party flats for the holidays, readers? It can be tricky to find something that is festive, comfortable, and affordable.

I always think of Birdies for party-friendly flats … but a friend spied these rhinestone loafers in Target the other week, and they're much more affordable.

They're from Target brand A New Day, and I like how they're festive, on trend, and cute.

The loafers were available in sizes 5–12, but many of the sizes over 9.5 are sold out — call your local Target if you're on the hunt. They're $39.99.

As of Dec. 2023, these are some of our latest favorite party shoes — also consider using shoe clips on some of your regular shoes if you're on a budget! These under $50 ones are best sellers at Amazon…

black satin party shoes with sparkly diamonte-bits on straps and bow at front
black kitten heel pumps with a grosgrain bow
velvet loafer with sparkly details
red Mary Jane flat with crystal embedded on it

Sales of note for 12.5

221 Comments

  1. I have a truly random vicarious shopping request. I am getting my mom a set of gardening tweezers for Hanukkah, and I need some kind of case or pouch for them. The longest pair of tweezers is 12 inches, so it needs to be at least that long. There are a lot of lovely pencil/pen cases on Etsy, but most are 6-7 inches long. Does anyone have an idea for what I could put these in? I’m open to other ideas, too – like one of those leather tool rolls, but I can only find ones for much larger tools. Thanks!

    2. maybe a wet bag, like for swimsuits? but she wouldn’t want to keep them in there.

    3. I’ve found Etsy sellers are very receptive to modifying something they already sell if I reach out to them and explain what I’m looking for.

    5. I have no idea how big garden tweezers (!?) are but maybe some kind of knitting needle holder? Those are longer than pencils…

    7. I would look in the tool department – I have a spokeshave roll from Lee valley that would work perfectly for this. Or I’ve seen ones for rifle cleaning kits that might work? A few other options would be a knife holder or a paintbrush holder.

    9. I’d look on etsy for cases for knitting needles- I’ve got a roll for my double pointed needles that’s a perfect size for longer tweezers

  2. What is on your holiday wish list? I have to give a list to DH and am having trouble coming up with ideas

    1. On mine, I put a bowl you make air pop popcorn in the microwave, some pretty little vases, and books. I had a similarly difficult time coming up with a list for my in laws. I honestly refuse to give one to my partner because it’s stressful to me and I prefer a surprise, even if it’s not the precise object I would have chosen!

      1. We don’t really do gifts for adults anymore, but this is my gift list for myself lol

        – new food processor
        – Dyson Airwrap
        – art
        – reframing of existing art
        – charitable donations
        – a pair of Kut jeans I have been eyeing
        – a new pair of earrings from a jeweler I met at a farmer’s market

    2. I usually go for the very practical gifts, so this year my list contains:
      – an electric wine bottle opener
      – an immersion blender for making soups
      – jeans
      – faux suede jacket
      – sweater
      – running socks
      – picture / poster frames
      – paint by number or puzzle to do while I watch TV
      – replace my skincare / makeup, most of which is from Target.

      I don’t like asking for expensive gifts from my family, so while there are a few splurgey things I want (red light mask, Shark Flexstyle, solid gold jewelry), I will wait to get those myself.

      My hobbies generally don’t lend themselves well to physical gifts, I hate clutter and don’t like owning more than I need to, and at 28 I finally feel like both my post-college wardrobe and my post-college apartment are well stocked. For several years after graduating I needed to fill holes in my wardrobe or get things for my apartment, but now I don’t have those needs and don’t want anymore “stuff. Same with my hobbies; I feel like I am now well supplied for hobbies that require equipment (running, biking, cooking
      and baking, some arts / crafts), other hobbies I have don’t require much (hiking, reading (I use the library), fashion, traveling), and most of my fun free time is spent going to restaurants / bars / concerts / sporting events with friends and thus requires nothing.

    3. Last year I didn’t have any ideas so I told him “something from Aesop”. He got me a full body and face regimen (I was expecting a hand cream or something) and maybe I got lucky or he got good advice from the salesperson but it’s actually been a really great fit, lasted almost all year and makes me really happy when I use it.

    4. I asked for subscriptions to things I want to try- National Park Pass, State Park Pass, NYTimes Cooking, America’s Test Kitchen.
      Also upgrades to camping gear.

    5. – Lagos jewelry
      – Giant UGG throw blanket
      – Cute leather/canvas tote bag
      – Tumi backpack
      – Belt bag

    6. I’m not asking for a lot of non consumable stuff but here’s my list:
      – miss Hannahs gourmet popcorn
      – cocokind vitamin c serum, and milky oil cleanser
      – embr mug to keep coffee warm throughout the morning
      – beyond yoga sweatpants
      – frans chocolate caramels
      – a nice hand cream – Aesop, Kiehl’s, le labo, something decadent
      – those trendy slip on clogs but I dont necessarily need them to be Uggs

    8. Headphones – like the over-the-ear ones
      The Lego flower set
      a few books
      a new weekender bag
      Maya perfume base

    9. IS clinical repair emulsion
      Kevin Murphy Young Again Mask
      Lucky Iron Fish
      Air purifier
      Ilex studio avocado vase
      Sephora silicone scalp massager
      Greenpeace calendar
      Burts bees overnight intensive lip treatment
      Burt’s bees coconut foot cream
      A small indoor citrus tree
      Soaq ultrasonic cleaner for jewelry
      A tea advent calendar

      1. What type of indoor citrus tree do you recommend?

        This sounds like a great gift for a family member. Can it be mailed?

    10. My husband likes to buy me one more-expensive-than-I-am-comfortable-with item and call it a day. This year I handed him a broken pair of earrings and told him I would like to have them repaired or upgraded for Christmas. I also told him I’d enjoy receiving my favorite candy and maybe a Christmas ornament or similar.

    11. I bought the boyfriend a beverage fridge that holds cans on the left and wine on the right; dual zone. I liked it so much, I bought one for me, too. I cannot WAIT to get the cans out of my regular fridge!

  3. I’d like to buy a house in the new year. As a starting point I really need to know how much I’ll get approval for on a mortgage. Who do I call for that piece of it?

    1. Any bank or financial institution can give you a preapproval letter. However, what they will preapprove you for is usually much higher than what can actually be afforded from a monthly payment standpoint. I think it is much more advisable to determine what you can afford to pay at closing (down payment and closing costs) and monthly.

      1. Yes, this. You need to determine what monthly amount works into your budget first, and then work backwards from there. If you google “monthly payment calculator” one pops right up. Be prepared for some shock if you plug in a 7% interest rate, and be aware of what taxes are in your area (you can look at a listing of a house near you for a rough idea). Lenders will typically want to see your housing cost less than 45% of your total pay and all of your debt (including housing, car loans, student loans, credit card payments, etc.) as less than 55%. Unless you have a healthy savings account after a down payment, don’t buy at the top of what you’re approved for — houses have a way of needing expensive repairs when you least want them!

        1. Yes. But to be clear my question was “how do I figure out what I am likely to get approved for” not “how do I determine how much I can afford.” I already have lots of info on the affordability part!

          1. The 45% of income is the likeliest (that’s used by Fannie Mae), though depending on your total picture it could go to 55% of monthly income. (Or higher, if you have substantial assets and you are qualifying on assets in addition to income.) Your overall debt load will influence the outcome.

          3. So if I make 230k a year the most I’ll get in a mortgage is $103,000? That seems super low

          4. Anon at 3:46, that is not how it works. It is not that the purchase price is 45% (or whatever) of your annual income. It is that the mortgage payment shouldn’t exceed 45% of your monthly income.

          6. No, $103k would be your total annual mortgage payments in that example, so ~$8,500 a month.

    2. Call a bank and ask about mortgage pre-approval. If you’re working with a specific real estate agent they’ll probably have some preferred ones, but you can also find your own.

      But be aware banks normally pre-approve you for a much larger amount than you can comfortably afford. Unless you have some other source of income like a family member helping out, you should be cautious about the pre-approval amount and not take it as a suggested budget.

      1. these replies are interesting because my mortgage loan broker (from a New England regional bank) was WAY more conservative about my finances than my real estate people.

        He was far more invested in my personal finances, making sure we were serious about offer prices, etc. Yeah sure, he would write a pre-approval number on a letter, but was very careful to warn me about letting the RE agents get out of control (they would’ve spent all my money)

        I think a good mortgage broker should do that for you.

        1. This. Our mortgage broker was amazing and we’ve used him for years (for refis) – they are also instrumental in making sure the closing is proceeding as the realtors/banks aren’t always on top of things in the home stretch.

    3. You can use an online calculator to get a rough idea – google has one if you just search for “mortgage calculator” (make sure you click on the Purchase Budget tab). Once you get a number, check it with a couple other calculators. That number’s enough to talk to a realtor with, then the agent can introduce you to their preferred financing people.

      I’ve bought and sold more houses than I care to admit (I’m 42 and the number is 10), and I’ve always had the best experience with mortgage brokers (people who will shop around for the best mortgage deal) recommended by my agent compared to a conventional bank.

      Your agent and your lender will be the most important parts of the deal, and you’ll want them to be on the same page as far as getting paperwork back and forth.

      I’m not sure how accurate the old bit about getting preapproved for more than you can afford is still true as much as it was before 2007. Certainly back then I recall getting approved for a house I couldn’t afford and needing to creatively finance with an ARM (and I was young enough to not really think much of it until that rate reset, and ouch!), but their practices are much more stringent now.

      1. We got approved for up to $1M loan in 2016 and there’s no way we could have afforded that.

        1. Same, in 2018. After our approval came back, our Realtor started pushing us to look at houses in the $750k to $1 million range when I was very clear we only wanted to see houses under $500k. I had to threaten to fire her and find another Realtor to get her to send us listings in the range we specified.

          1. I never let my realtor know what I got approved for because it was some ridiculously high number. I just got a preapproval letter for the amount I was willing to spend

      2. All the mortgage calculators I can find seem to be telling me what a mortgage of a certain amount would cost. Not what I’m likely to get approved for based on my income and assets. Am I missing something in my searches?

          1. Again, is this telling me what I’m likely to get approved for? Because it says right on it that it is about affordability and that isn’t my question.

          2. There are no online calculators that will tell you this, to my knowledge. It’s dependent on your monthly income, your credit score, your assets, and a number of other things. The easiest thing to do is call a mortgage broker or your bank. Our mortgage broker was able to give us a ballpark approval number without doing a hard inquiry against our credit (that came shortly afterward). This is one of those situations where, sorry, you have to talk to an actual person to get the specific information you’re looking for. You’ll have to talk to real, actual, live people to get the mortgage done also, just as an FYI.

          3. Happy to talk to a real person! I just wasn’t sure if I was missing something when people suggested calculators.

    5. just call your local bank or wherever you invest, they can usually get you one with minimal info and a pretty quick turnaround. agree with everyone else the much more important number is how much you can afford including HOA/maintenance fees and downpayment.

    6. Do you have any friends who are real estate agents or who know trusted RE agents? Get a recommendation from one of them for a mortgage broker or loan officer.

  4. Any recommendations for lube? I seem to be sensitive to something in a lot of the products out there and am looking for something gentle. I need to make condoms more comfortable during a temporary period when I have no other birth control method.

      1. It’s the only lube I can use. It’s fantastic. No smell, no sticky after residue. You can buy it on A M A Z O N.

    3. I’ve used PINK Water (water based lubricant) for years without any issue. (with/without condoms and toys).

    4. Are you sure it’s the extra lube you are sensitive to, and not the lube on the condoms themselves?

      1. After years of knowing I was allergic to latex, I finally made the connection between condoms and after-sex pain.

    5. I get good clean love from Amazon. I can’t stand how sticky some lubes are. This one is much more comfortable.

  5. I’m going to say something that’s probably going to get me flamed here. My 16 year old daughter is in high school, working a full load of honors/AP courses, on two sports teams (including a travel team), has other extracurriculars, and wants to get into an elite college. She is super busy and diligent and that’s all great, but I’m worried she is not getting enough sleep. She decided to sign-up for a high school club that provides free tutoring to elementary school students in our (mostly white, affluent) suburban school district. She matched with a 4th grader who is quite bright and is doing advanced math. So, my daughter is spending 1.5 hours each week providing free tutoring for an advanced math learner who, frankly, does not need tutoring(!) and is privileged (I know this for a fact – I’ll just say that the child’s mom hangs out nearby during the tutoring sessions). I’ve tried to gently point out that maybe she should tutor an under-privileged kid in our adjacent city, or a kid at the women/children shelter in our adjacent suburb, or maybe just not tutor during her sports seasons, but she refuses to discuss this and basically shuts down any suggestions. I don’t understand what is going on with her that she feels compelled to volunteer time that, frankly, she does not have? Am I being a jerk for thinking that she should just drop this gig and do something better with her limited time?

    1. Nah this isn’t the hill to die on. Overscheduling is a legit concern but it’s something she’ll need to figure out.

    2. It seems like a lot, but if her goals is to be able to say she tutored younger kids then maybe it’s serving her needs. Figuring out how to find and travel to adjacent cities to tutor other kids seems like even more of a demand on time she doesn’t have.

      1. I’m not sure why she needs to tutor or volunteer, since her school does not have any volunteer hour requirements and neither math nor teaching are part of her stated career aspirations. I did mention a specific women’s shelter where we’ve done a one-off service project and she nodded and understood, but then signed-up for this opportunity.

        1. Maybe because she’s a decent person? Or because she correctly understands that colleges like to see some sort of volunteering?

        2. She might just like doing it. Maybe other people she knows are involved in the program and honestly it sounds like the kid she tutors is a really easy tutee. I hear ya on it probably not mattering but oh well, her choice.

        3. I don’t see why she has to take all honors classes and be in all the clubs. I would prefer my kid volunteer, frankly.

      1. No. But I think she thinks it will look good on college apps, but I told her that it won’t matter because everyone does some volunteer stuff here and there…

        1. If everyone does some volunteer stuff, wouldn’t it stand out not to do any? (Though I did very little volunteer stuff because I was focused on academics and could excel at academics if I didn’t spend too much energy elsewhere… I hope students like me still do okay on college applications these days!)

          Advanced learners who are privileged often benefit from tutoring because they’re out of step with the rest of their classes. If her tutoring this student helps free up the teacher to focus on less privileged students, is that so bad?

        2. If she wants to rack up line items on the volunteer portion of her application then a 1.5 hour a week commitment seems like a great way to do that. There are many volunteer opportunities that are far more time consuming and less impressive.

    4. You’re not a jerk, but this is probably something dd needs to figure out for herself.

      1. Thank you, I’m trying to butt out, but every time she says she’s “too busy” to do something, I’m secretly seething and thinking about the tutoring.

        2. She may be mimicking what she hears in the larger culture, where many adults complain about being too busy.

          1. I doubt that – kids today really are busy, and it certainly sounds like OP’s daughter is.

        4. I understand how you feel, but this is her choice and your best course of action here is to find a way to let it go and stop seething. Maybe she sees herself in this kid and is enjoying it.

    5. I wouldn’t encourage her to quit if she’s enjoying it. Not everything needs to be about building a college resume.

      Also as someone who went to an elite school and later worked in admissions at my alma mater, tutoring kids has value even if the kid doesn’t need tutoring. What your daughter is doing doesn’t depend on the kid’s skills and the college understands that. You just have to reframe it from “helping underprivileged kids” to “mentoring a very bright kid who needs additional challenge in math.” Both have value and the latter is actually much more unique. If the kid she’s tutoring is female or an under-represented minority then you have the added component of encourage girls/URMs who are talented in STEM. But really it’s just a box that gets checked on the application for tutoring and the specifics don’t matter a whole lot.

      1. But will tutoring actually help her get into college? I seriously doubt it, not just because of the small scale here (i.e., no impact on the community), but also because it’s just so common and easy to do. Parents in our community pay $$ for tutors, so I’m also wondering whether she should just be a paid tutor instead…

        1. If you want your 22 year old to speak to you, you’ll get over this controlling nonsense.

          1. I appreciate the tough love. I’m not trying to control her, just trying to understand her and again, she’s the one who is “too busy” and staying up late, not me.

          2. If you’re trying to understand her, you should TALK TO HER. In a non-judgmental way (although from your posts here, I am not sure that’s possible) ask her questions like what is she enjoying about this opportunity? What is she learning by tutoring? Has it helped her in her own learning? Let her tell you why she wants to do it instead of asking a bunch of internet strangers. But you have to be genuinely curious and kind of she will sniff you out a mile away.

        2. Is getting into college the only thing that matters here? Is there no space for doing something she enjoys or finds rewarding?

          And seriously it’s 1.5 hrs a week- I spend more time per week on making my daily coffee than she does on tutoring. What is that time commitment displacing that you’re so worried about?

          1. She doesn’t sleep enough already because she has a ton of homework, her high school sport practice is 2 hours+, she’s “too busy” to do stuff with the family on weekends, and it doesn’t help that she’s irritable/emotional when she’s overwhelmed…

          2. I think it’s fine to set requirements around sleep, but I wouldn’t frame it as “quit this activity now.” She’s old enough to get some say in how she spends her time.

          4. I think your goal here OP should be how do you help your child learn how to balance stuff in a healthy way as an adult?

            16 is an age for trial and error and making mistakes. Parents can help with guardrails to prevent the mistakes from becoming catastrophic, but I don’t think you really can or should try to totally prevent mistakes. Can you drive her when she is tired to try to prevent her from falling asleep at the wheel or failing to brake in time?

            Lack of sleep is common, but not healthy. It’s also not going to be solved by dropping one thing that takes 90 minutes a week. If lack of knowledge on sleep is the issue, can you book an appointment with the pediatrician for her to learn about the importance of sleep? Or is there someone else with whom your daughter could talk about this? I think all your judgment means that she likely won’t be receptive to you, OP.

            And, if she wants more time apart and wants to do homework rather than engage in family time, I think it’s best to let her. You might be able to get her participation now, but if your goal is a long-term relationship beyond when she’s a minor, forcing family time could ultimately backfire.

        3. Agree with others that getting into college isn’t the only thing that matters, but yes, tutoring is one of many things that can help get you into college. It certainly doesn’t matter to the degree that grades, test scores and teacher recs do, but it helps. All else being equal, if there are two similar kids and one does some sort of volunteer work and the other doesn’t, it can make a difference.

        4. I doubt admissions looks into it deeply enough to rate each student’s impact on the community, but what do I know.

        5. Tutoring is a good skill to have, if she likes doing it. It’s helpful in so many ways, including gaining interpersonal skills which will be good in college and the workplace. It doesn’t have to directly help her get into college to have benefits for her.

        6. Oh, I see. If it won’t help her get into college, it is not worth doing. What a terrible message.

    6. If you child isn’t getting enough sleep, talk to her about that. But seems like she’s fine and you’re a nightmare so either have fun picking a fight with a teen over “volunteer service not good enough” or get over yourself.

      1. I think the real “nightmares” are people who read people’s posts and make comments like this. Seriously, what’s the matter with you? I’m sorry Mommy didn’t love you enough. This isn’t the way to work out those emotions.

    7. Have you tried asking her (without judgement in your voice) what she likes so much about this program? If you can set aside your strongly held position that this is a waste of her time, you might learn something surprising about why your child values this.

      1. No, when I’ve asked, I’ve been told that it’s not up for discussion. Perhaps I’m unable to ask without judgment in my voice…

          1. Genuinely asking – how does a mom ask a 16 year old what she likes about an activity without sounding like I have some kind of opinion on it (especially after she heard my suggestions and promptly signed up for the program despite my comments)?

          2. No no. You should work on being less self righteous, less convinced you’re perfect, and less intolerant. Maybe in therapy. In the meantime, let this go.

          3. your kid already knows you think this activity is st-pid so you’re in a hard spot there. You’re going to have to own up to your attitude to get any credibility back on honest interest.

          4. You accept that she’s old enough and mature enough to make a decision on where to spend her time, and while it may not get her into Harvard, her mentoring role obviously has value to her. So ask about her mentee, and what they talked about.

          5. OP, you won’t be able to genuinely ask until you’re genuinely curious. And curiosity requires openness to the possibility that you may be in the wrong.

        2. Commiseration for me. I also sometimes make my point of view too clear before asking for other people’s opinions.

        3. You tell her that you made a mistake, that you did not listen to her, nor ask her why she wanted to do this, and then believe her answer. Tell her that you genuinely want to hear why she likes this, and maybe someday soon she can tell you. And then wait. She is finding her own way, which is exactly what she should be doing right now in her life. And she will learn herself if she is too busy or not.

    8. Gently, I think you should follow your daughter’s lead here. She’s getting volunteer experience, which can be valuable for competitive college applications, and if she were doing it the way you are suggesting, it would likely take more than an hour and a half each week. And who’s to say if a 4th grader doing advanced math *needs* tutoring or not? Maybe the child needs that one-on-one feedback and can’t get it from their teacher because they’re doing different work from the rest of the class?

      Your concerns about the demands on your daughter are valid, but instead of trying to tell her what to do or drop, just communicate to her that you see how much she’s doing and if she ever wants to pare down, you are okay with it. But it’s her choice.

    9. I think who she is tutoring is not a factor. She signed up through the club, and got assigned to a kid.

      Have a broader conversation about scheduling if you must, but also, she’s got to learn this lesson.

      FWIW there are still lots of benefits even if the girl isn’t obviously struggling in math. I have a 10 year old (rich, smart) kid and I love when she has good role models. As it happens, she’s in a math club that has high school students volunteer- but they are more like coaches for the math team, not tutors.

      They may also start your daughter with an “easy” kid and give her someone struggling more as she builds her skills.

      1. +1 Girls seeing other, older girls do math well is only a good thing to my mind.

    10. I agree that tutoring a kid who doesn’t really need her help isn’t necessarily a very effective use of her time, but I don’t think you get to decide that and I doubt she’s deciding from the perspective of an effective altruist. She’s probably doing it for some combination of reasons related to wanting to look good (to colleges, to friends, to teachers, to herself), social (her friends are involved in the program so she wants to be too), or maybe even academic (there’s nothing like teaching someone else for really learning a topic yourself). Or maybe she just likes working with kids and this is the easiest way to do it. Those are all perfectly good reasons to spend just 1.5 hours a week on something.

    11. I don’t think you’re a jerk, but I do think you need to back off. It sounds like your biggest objection is that your daughter could be doing something more impactful with her volunteer time. You’re not wrong, but, at 16 I think this is your daughter’s choice. It’s better that she look back on it and see it as the wrong choice rather than be directed to something else by an adult. It’s also possible that your daughter gets something out of tutoring an advanced student and closely observing a family different than her own.

    12. She’s going to have to make this decision for herself.

      FWIW, maybe that she is working with a bright kid makes this an “easier” 1.5 hours so she doesn’t feel it’s as draining. The help is not going where it’s most needed, but it is “counting” as volunteer work– so it’s serving her. She also may find the topic itself more fun and interesting. Is it ideal? No. But it is serving her needs more than you may be recognizing.

    13. I don’t think you can do anything about it for however long this program lasts, but I’d absolutely have a conversation with her about whenever things reset. (I’m guessing they don’t reset in January but over the summer before the next school year?) Talk to her in the context of making her class schedule for the next year. “Daughter, what are you thinking of for activities for next year? You know you’ll have a full class load and you want to keep playing X and Y. What other activities are you thinking of?” And then bring up that you’d like her to volunteer with more meaningful causes. (But then again, that’s a bigger picture issue about raising your daughter to think of the bigger world, and I think that’s what you mention when you talk about tutoring less privileged children. Everything in her universe right now is focused on making HER look good for college – nothing is about others. Maybe the chance to do something for others is why she enjoys tutoring, maybe she’s discovering she’s good at it and might like to teach – have a conversation with her and figure out why she likes/d this program and find a way to channel that.)

      1. I really do not think mom needs to press her daughter again about volunteering for “more meaningful” causes. This is meaningful for daughter for some reason, but she’s not telling mom that because her mom has already made clear that she thinks this is worthless. Mom needs to let this go until she’s able to actually release the idea that she’s right and daughter is wrong and to approach the conversation with real curiosity about why her daughter values this.

      2. If my mom said anything, like that statement, I would shut down so fast. It’s so judgmental and presumes it’s your choice what your daughter does. If you really want to have this conversation, the question should all be open-ended – what classes are you planning to take? Are you gonna to do sports? Any other extracurriculars you’re thinking about?

        1. It’s the right choice if you want an elite college, which it sounds like she does.

    14. This is not a hill to die on, leave it alone. When I was in highschool, and then still in university I was a tutor. The volunteer tutoring I did was very specifically for easy students to put on my resume. I wasn’t going to take on a troubled student where I needed to travel, make lesson plans, etc for my volunteer hours.

    15. Hi there, from one mom of a busy teen to another, I’m going to suggest you drop this, for now. You’ve made your concerns/position clear, and now it’s up to your daughter to make her own decisions about what she wants to do with her time. She’s getting something out of the activity – what it is may not be transparent to you – or she wouldn’t be doing it. I think part of seeing our kids grow up is seeing how they prioritize things, and how they make choices, and recognizing that there’s only so much influence we have over their motivations at this stage. At this point, you have taught her right from wrong and the importance of service to others, so you have to rely on your past teachings/conversations to come through when the time is right. Your daughter sounds like a go-getter and she will figure out how to balance everything out – even if she has to go through some difficulties to get things in balance. Heck, I am in my mid-40s and sometimes don’t feel like I understand how to prioritize my own busy schedule, and stay balanced.

      And I’m sorry for the snotty comments you’ll get from people here who love to pile on when parents post concerns about their kids. It would be really helpful if some of those folks could just go get therapy for their own issues around how their parents emotionally neglected, abandoned, or smothered them – because that’s 100% what those comments are about; it has nothing to do with you, really. But so far some people here seem remarkably resistant to doing any self-work at all and think posting mean things to people on the Internet is going to solve their problems. It’s a shame.

      1. Thank you so much for the perspective. I am going to drop it. Really, I’m just trying to understand her and I may never get there, but I agree with you that oftentimes, I’m not using my time optimally either. I’m not bothered by comments from others on this board – I’ve been reading here for years and we are a very honest and direct bunch and that’s a two-edged sword!

        1. “I don’t understand you but I love you” is a tattoo all moms of teens should get.

        2. I think teenagers in general are difficult to understand because they don’t always understand themselves or they’re not able to articulate what they’re thinking/feeling either for lack of words or because they don’t feel comfortable for one reason or another.

          I grew up in a house where my parents didn’t really find value in what I did most of the time. That was communicated clearly, not because they said that directly, but because they constantly questioned it or didn’t make it a priority or undermined it in many ways. The result was that I didn’t want to talk to them about what was important to me.

          Others have cautioned against dictating her time, which I agree with. In general, I’d drop the tutoring convo for now and be as supportive as you can.

      2. Empathy: I have an 8th grader and I adore her and love her and still sometimes really struggle to understand how she decides what she wants to invest time in. I feel like I could optimize so much for her – but ultimately, it is her life.

        I do worry about the sleep. I think the tutoring might be sufficiently toxic as a conversation right now that you should drop it but it might make sense to talk about how to protect her sleep at the end of the semester or over the holiday break – basically, try to focus on the sleep issue without pushing her in any direction on the tutoring.

    16. OP it sounds like you are concerned about your daughter not getting enough sleep or free time, and that it could lead to burnout, which is a valid concern. I don’t actually have any advice on that, sorry, but that is what jumped out at me when I read your post.

    17. One other possibility: maybe the tutoring is fun for her?
      It sounds like she’s really busy, and spending time with a younger kid can be a refreshing break, regardless of whether they’re working on math or just hanging out. I was similar to your daughter (full AP course load, two sports, musical instrument, student government, yearbook, literary magazine, quiz bowl, and so on; minus the complaining about being tired), attended HYP for undergrad, and I did a fair amount of tutoring as a high school student — French, elementary school math, geometry, and algebra. It was just fun. I liked spending time with the kids. It challenged me to think of the subject matter in new ways, and it definitely improved my communication skills. I still tutor as an adult, and I look forward to it every time. It delights me to see a student have a lightbulb moment when they suddenly grasp a new concept.

    18. She is too busy because she is a teenager. If it isn’t tutoring it’s something else. Let it go.

    19. Can you separate out a few issues here? First, if she’s over-scheduled and/or under slept and/or shirking family resposibilities, you can say that: “Sweetie, I’m concerned you’re not sleeping enough and that you’ve given up on family time on the weekends. Can you figure out a way to get more sleep? If I see that it’s making you sick, I’m going to have to step in.” Second, if you’re worried that she’s not helping the right person and could be spending her time tutoring others, then you should just deal with that on your own — that’s her choice to make. In other words, as her mother I think you can watch out for exhaustion or mental health overexertion. Beyond that, though, you need to let her make her choices about how to spend her time, even if you think she could/should make different choices.

      And I’ll just say this as a college professor: this tutoring will make very, very little difference on her applications.

      1. This. You need to separate out the fact that she’s overscheduled and not getting enough sleep from the fact that you don’t think the tutoring is a good use of time. It’s 1.5 hours a week, it’s not single-handedly destroying her sleep, and she’s allowed to spend some time in ways that are fun for her but have no value to college admissions (presumably she see friends and watches TV and does other things that aren’t building her resume?). But I do think it’s reasonable to draw boundaries around sleep and total number of hours spent on activities in general.

    20. A couple of ideas, since it seems having some ways to file and accept her choice seems to be what you’re after.

      She might genuinely like the kid she’s tutoring. She might see something of herself (bright, privileged). She might enjoy being a little bit of a hero to somebody who probably looks up to her. She might have fun figuring out how to answer questions from somebody bright and challenging. The kid might be lonely as a bright kid, and maybe she sees herself. The kid might be social and fun, and maybe she sees herself. Who knows.

      She might also be enjoying having an easy time, this might be her lowest pressure hours in the week, where she always has control and there’s no pressure. If you suggest she stop, that might be like suggesting she stop meditating. It’s highly unlikely that these hours are the ones keeping her busy or stressed or sleepless – probably the opposite.

      And it’s very, very normal for a teen her age not to want to do family stuff on the weekend. That would actually be weird.

    21. OP, I haven’t read all of the discussion so please ignore if someone said this already, but I think it is really normal for a 16 year old to prioritize many, many things over family time on the weekends. It’s also probably normal for this to be hurtful to parents (and siblings), but she probably just isn’t that into you right now. I remember my parents just suddenly drove me nuts when I was a teenager. I felt bad about it, but that’s how it was. It’s developmentally appropriate, and if she wasn’t feeling this way, she might never leave home. So “too busy” may just mean you aren’t that high a priority and she’s trying to be vaguely diplomatic. I’m sure that stings, but if you can detach yourself emotionally, I think you might see it as evidence of your success as a parent – she doesn’t need you that much anymore! She has a lot of other interests!

    22. I wouldn’t argue about that particular activity because she obviously feesl good about it. There may be pressure from the club that she wants to be in to volunteer her time. I think if a kid has so many extra activities and AP classes that they don’t have time to volunteer, then they are doing too much. But why does she feel compelled to do all the things and get into an elite college? Is this internal pressure or from the family? The race to the top is terrible for all of your kids, and frankly, when any parent encourages any teen to do it all, it impacts all of them.

    23. Some over-achievers don’t realize they can quit things. They have been praised for sticking with things, so they may not realize that knowing when to drop something can be a sign of strength. Even backing out of a commitment is allowed when done with consideration.

  6. Probably should have put this under the food gift post, but I’m not sure if people go back and read comments once the posts are surplanted.

    I’ve never used Goldbelly before but I just ordered the hummus platter from Zahav as a show of support to Michael Solomonov. I know it was his less expensive restaurant that was targeted, but this is something I can do and feel good about, and I’m kind of excited about the carrots.

    1. I wanted to go to Goldie today for lunch, but happily read that it was super crowded (and I didn’t have much time for lunch today) so will try again another day this week.

    2. or order one of his cook books is another idea or send people gift cards to his restaurants! the protest doesn’t really make sense, how is a vegan falafel restaurant in Philadelphia perpetrating or contributing to alleged genoc*de in the middle east?

  7. You’re not a jerk, but this is probably something dd needs to figure out for herself.

  8. Can we talk about obedience? It’s been on my mind after reading about it in a few places.

    Michael Lewis talks about “malignant obedience” in his book Premonition to describe US jurisdictions that did not implement public health guidance during the pandemic even though public health officers knew doing so would protect more people because it was not required by law.

    Cassidy Hutchinson uses the word loyalty (not obedience) in her book Enough to describe how strongly she felt about supporting President Trump no matter what, until her perspective changed after President Biden’s inauguration.

    Sarah Jones used the term “think obediently” in an August 2023 NYT Magazine article about how she was educated at Hillsdale College.

    I read somewhere in the last couple years (don’t recall where) about the concept of valuing unquestioning obedience more than independent thought.

    Not sure I have a specific question- just looking for perspectives on the concept of obedience, I guess. TIA

    2. In the Trump era, of course it’s top of mind. Two thoughts immediately come to mind.

      – As a former military officer married to a current one, I can tell you much of the development reading the officer corps does is on leadership and what core values look like in real life. In the US military, blind loyalty is discouraged and can even be illegal (e.g., immoral orders, which can be lawfully ignored). Contrast this with, say, Russia’s army (or at least Russian PR).

      – One mark of a strong democracy is an educated electorate that can reason through things. Authoritarian rulers rely on people buying what they say, hook, line, and sinker. Obedience and loyalty become more important than education for them and their ends.

      1. Per your second remark, if you have any exposure to protestant/evangelical Christianity, obedience can be a big theme, depending on your denomination and place of worship…and this can translate into an authoritarian culture, where towing the line is held in high regard, and questioning is discouraged.
        I think, maybe, that this obedience/authoritarian concept may be yet another vaguely Christian concept that is being cherry-picked and misused by people in power and politicians, much like other things that are being thrown around in the culture war that appeal to certain people, because they have a familiarity, and “feel” Christian, which appeals to a certain electorate.
        So, what I see is a transition from “America is a place of freedom of religion, I’ll do my own thing, you do yours” to a more authoritarian “this is how things should be done, and you’ll agree with me or you’re not one of us.”

      2. It is my opinion that the Republican party knows that an uneducated population with less independent thinking gravitates toward authoritarian leaders. And this is why public education is so decimated in this country. It is deliberate…

    3. Just my anecdotal perspective but I feel like in my (liberal, highly educated, very affluent) community, I observe a lot of lip service to the idea of independent thought but in practice there’s a very strong expectation of unquestioning obedience to parents, teachers, prevailing cultural norms, etc. When kids say or do something that is contrary to prevailing orthodoxy or make a choice that isn’t societally approved, the consequences are just as harsh as they were in my teen years. The difference is that in my community the pendulum has swung so the positions and choices that are acceptable now were the ones my friends and I got in trouble for in high school and the positions/choices that were okay then are problematic now. But the consequences are the same.

      1. What I’ve noticed in my liberal, urban, relatively affluent school community is that asking *any* questions about an educational program is perceived as some kind of attack on the open-minded tolerance of our fair-minded utopia.

        And Lord help you if you ask about any data, including numbers. While I think some of this is part of the regional culture (being direct is not a Southern CA value lol*), it creates a lot of distrust and frustration.

        *I’m not a New Yorker and I’ve never had a desire to live there, but I *do* appreciate the “LADY! You left your cawfee on the counta!” ethos of its citizens.

        1. Can you explain your last comment about leaving coffee on the counter? That doesnt seem related to your point about education, questioning mindset etc.

    4. The word rubs me the wrong way because it seems to signify no critical thinking, just unquestioned acting. I refused to have it in our wedding vows and the first time I heard my husband tells the kids they needed to obey I talked to him after about how it really rubbed me the wrong way and we needed to come up with something else (we’ve landed on “listen”).

    5. In my head, loyalty is founded on a prior relationship and earned in some way, and it can also be lost through repeated bad behavior or at least bad choices. Obedience is more unquestioning, and an expectation to obey is derived from some hierarchy between people, but there is no accountability.

    6. I know way, way too much about the Duggar Family and other similar families. These families require instant (and blind) obedience from their children, to the point of playing “the obedience game” with their kids.

      Their rhetoric is very big on obedience / obeying – to be they use these terms the way other parents might use the word behave (for example: I tell my kids if they don’t behave we’ll leave the park but they’ll tell their kids if you don’t obey then XYZ). I’ve always found this distinction interesting: truth be told I use the term behave here because that’s what my parents said / what many other parents around me say. But, when you sit down to think about it (as I am now for the first time), behaving has the connotation of having more of an internal locus of control and is something that the child can (hypothetically) control themselves and behaving is something they should do because it’s the “right” way to act and thus should be done whereas to me, obeying has the connotation of having an external locus of control and obeying is something they should do because they’re being ordered to do it and following these orders is the “right” thing to do regardless of what those orders are.

      Anyways, I can’t hear the word obedience without thinking of that cult…

      1. I was just about to mention the Duggers! I watched the Prime documentary series about them/their religious group. Crazy!

        I do think there is a distinction between loyalty (earned) and obedience (unquestioned), as mentioned above, and I agree that a lot of people who think they are exercising independent though are actually being spoonfed their rebellion. Actual independent thought is rare these days because we seem to have lost our tolerance for it on both sides of the political spectrum.

    7. I just listened to a podcast about this in a religious context, and much of the framing was that obedience goes hand in hand with critical thinking/critique — “obedient critique” and “critical obedience”. Obviously I cannot get into the nuances of a 60 min discussion here, but it was a take-down of “blind obedience”, and parsed out that while we may need to be obedient to an authority position, or an established rule or law, we don’t have to agree with it.

      We should aim to voice objections with respect and humility (pride is the downfall of many a good idea) — and to discern if our opinion/voice is truly called for in the moment — and at the end of the day we may need to “obey” and go along, but it’s okay to dissent. And also, we ourselves need to model openness and humility when our subordinates critique us!

  9. Help me pick a health plan for the year pretty please? I feel like I’m missing something.

    In recent years our individual deductible has been $6000-$7000 and we always hit it with my youngest who is autistic. We spend about another $10,000 a year after that on copays and therapies. The rest of us (family of 4) are pretty healthy. Our premium this year was around $1450.

    I really want an HSA so this year choices are limited… both plans are from same insurance company so not many other differences that I can tell.

    Plan 1:
    premium $1395.47
    deductible: $7300 individual/$14600 family
    no coinsurance

    Plan 2:
    premium $1971.78
    deductible $4000 individual /$8000 family
    30% coinsurance after that, with an out of pocket maximum $5850 individual / $11700 family

    Plan 1 is way better, right? But who would benefit by choosing Plan 2? The difference in premium alone is $6000 a year, which would cover you for the difference in deductible. What am I missing?

    1. I don’t think you’re missing anything. My employer has plans like this too where the math doesn’t make sense for anyone.

    2. Does Plan 2 have more doctor options? That might be the difference. I take the plan at work that doesn’t make financial sense to get to see any doctor I want, and any specialist I want without a referral.

      1. This. I look at the participating network before any sort of cost reviews since it can really make a difference. I will never do an HMO ever again for this reason.

    3. Can you confirm which patient liabilities are included in the OOP max on plan 2? Because that could make a huge difference for a family with predictably high costs. If your child’s copays and therapies are truly $10K over the individual deductible, you may be the plan 2 use case.

      1. I’m looking for patient liabilities and not seeing it. Usually the way they get us with the therapies is that only 20 visits a year are covered for speech and OT, and he goes weekly, year round.

        1. Ask someone in HR if your previous OOP costs would qualify under the OOP max. If they do, it’s a huge win for you!

    4. It’s usually in the details. As some other people have mentioned, it can be in the network. It can also be in the prescription drug formulary. I’m on a very expensive medication that drives my decision making because it may not be covered by some plans, it may not count to the deductible, etc. I read through the fine print and add up my typical out of pocket costs for each plan and see where I would come out ahead.

  10. These shoes must appeal to my inner magpie because I could not resist ordering them! I have a sequined top that is also silver that makes me so happy and I love finding reasons to wear it this time of year. I probably won’t wear the shoes and top together but who doesn’t love a bit of bling on some comfy shoes.

  11. Would anyone have any recommendations for a medical malpractice attorney in Los Angeles? I have a friend who is dealing with a really terrible situation, and she’s in the need of some legal advice.

  12. General advice on court system appreciated: I was rear-ended by an intoxicated driver who left the scene and was later arrested and charged with a DWI. I received a subpoena as a witness in the case, which states the trial will take place sometime in the 1-week period of next week. The victim witness coordinator says it’s a low priority case and given caseload, will likely get pushed to a different week.

    I’m free the next couple of weeks but will be traveling for the holidays, then in January both out of country and across the country for a week at our office HQ. I want to be forthcoming with them and of course not fail to obey a subpoena, but I really can’t move either trip. Do I just let them know when I’m not available? I will be home intermittently so I’m sure they will be able to find me to serve me again if they re-issue it. Of course, I’m hoping this is a moot point and the case either gets called next week or the person pleads out, tbh I’m surprised they haven’t as they have multiple prior DWIs and the evidence seems against them.

    1. As someone who works in this space (highway safety), please plan to be there and testify if you can possibly do so. Be the face of someone who has lost time and money (and hopefully not more than that – you didn’t say if you were hurt) because of this individual’s repeated poor decisions. It may be the push the judge/court needs to order this person to install an ignition interlock or go to treatment and deal with their substance use disorder. This driver’s next victim could be an innocent child or even themself. Please realize the power for possible good in your court appearance. Thank you –

        1. Where did I say to miss her travel?? I simply wanted to encourage her to give her account in court “if you can possibly do so.” Jeez

          1. Her question is specifically about upcoming travel. She clearly plans to testify if she can.

      2. Thanks, I only suffered from whiplash and am totally fine now. I did have a lengthy fight with insurance to get my car valued correctly and we were down a vehicle over a month while it was repaired, which was very inconvenient. I’m willing to participate in this process as required, though this person has had their license revoked for 10+ years and it seems like they’ve had a lot of opportunities to make better decisions, unfortunately.

        1. I’m glad you are OK now. You’re right – it doesn’t take a valid driver license to operate a motor vehicle. But your testimony about the costs to you and your family may make a difference between this person continuing to slip through the cracks and being made to address their issues. Sadly, addiction is a hard nut to crack and can take several tries before something sticks.

      3. She was victimized once. She shouldn’t have to miss a big trip to testify and be victimized twice

    2. Just tell the witness coordinator this information, ideally prior to the next court date, so that they will have this information when adjourning this case. The details are extremely jurisdiction specific.

    3. Somewhere on the subpoena should be the name and contact information for the prosecuting attorney working on the case – probably towards the bottom, but could vary by state. Call them and tell them when you will be traveling. IME, judges are understanding that witnesses have other commitments and will allow the trial to be schedule at a time when you are in town.

  13. Gift help? My newly retired dad wants this “athleisure” he’s been hearing about. However, the brands I know like Vuori are designed with an athletic fit — one that doesn’t doesn’t match up with his shape. Like me trying to wear a Theory suit, lol.

    What brands should I be looking at that are comfortable, stylish, but not assuming you’re an XL because your shoulders are so huge from lifting?

    1. It doesn’t need to be an athleisure lifestyle brand, right? Can’t it just be some pants with some stretch in them from say LL Bean or Lands End?

      1. he wants to look more “with it” than those brands- so I’m looking for which of the mainstream athleisure brands might have the best fit.

    3. hate to say it but costco, sam’s club, or old navy are probably more his speed… (she said, wearing her new brushed fleece pants from sams club)

    4. Honestly, my husband is not athletic at all, and has three different styles of pants form lululemon that are great for him. The first two are more traditional pants shaped.

      ABC Classic-Fit 5 Pocket Pant
      ABC relaxed fit trouser
      ABC jogger

      These are not soft jersey material sweatpants, they’re more nylon pants. Definitely okay to wear out of the house.

    5. I think outdoor brands like Prana can also cross into athleisure. I will say though, at least for women, I think Vuori is pretty forgiving. I wore a lot of Vuori postpartum when my body was definitely not athletic looking.

      1. +1, Vuori is great for my out of shape middle aged mom bod and also works great on my slightly overweight FIL. I’d just get him that if that’s what he likes.

    10. Nike is good, too.

      Also, if he is at all outdoorsy, REI or Duluth or similar may be good options.

  14. I need to let someone go from their job tomorrow. It’s the first time I’m having to do this. Unfortunately the person is just a bad fit, and unable to perform the basic job duties. I have the backing of my bosses and HR. I am trying to think of something conciliatory to say, but all I can come up with is ‘I wish you the best, personally and professionally’. I’m probably overthinking this? Any thoughts?

    1. That’s fine. Honestly, your firing them weeks before Christmas. Nothing you’re gonna say is going to make this better for them or them hate you less.

      2. Yep. Don’t feel too bad though, the fired employee should never be surprised. If your company has halfway decent HR practices then there’s a paper trail of performance conversations. The person should be well aware that they haven’t met expectations.

    2. Just stick to facts. Have HR on the phone or on standby. If it’s performance based, have all your ducks in a row. Except argument, and which point you can turn it to HR.

    3. As someone who has been fired before, please don’t say that. Just rip the band-aid off -> “John, as you are aware by now, you are not a good fit for this position and as such, we are letting you go effective immediately. You will receive [this is where you want to soften the blow of them losing their job right before the holidays and mention ANY positives i.e., severance, etc.] such and such benefits. Security is packing up your desk now and will escort you out. You will receive your last pay check / vacation pay-out [again add some positives] by such-and-such date.”

      1. I wouldn’t say anything about the bad fit, just that the team “has decided to go in a different direction with this position” and he is no longer needed in the role. The continue with the severance information etc.

        1. The ‘why’ is relatively straightforward, since we have gone through a formal performance process with written expectations that were not being met in the timeline specified.
          I think you are all correct that nothing I will say can really soften the blow. It simply sucks, there is no way around that.

          1. Just be direct and concise. I’ve had to fire people too and there’s no way to make it softer. The only thing you can do is not prolong the misery.

          2. be sure to have your statements scripted out, so you can repeat them over and over as needed. if things get emotional, you can also have a pivot point (such as “I can see this conversation is difficult and this may be a lot to process. I’m going to focus on next steps such as {packing up your office, whatever} and can follow up with this in writing.”
            In other words, have the phrases on standby you need to not get sucked into a whirlwind of emotion.

            Also at the end of the day, you’re doing them a favor. they won’t see it that for years, if ever, but that’s okay. you’re still doing the right thing.

  15. is gmail being weird for anyone else today? i keep getting a notification about syncing offline.

  16. Does anyone else have this problem? I can be perfectly well rested and clear eyed, but the moment you put me on camera for a video call, I can’t seem to stop yawning. Maybe I yawn all the time and don’t notice, but I don’t think that’s the case. I don’t want to look like I’m not interested!

    1. Yawning can be caused from not getting enough oxygen or being nervous as well. Are you slumping while on calls and compressing your lungs? Is it a nervous response to being on camera?
      Also, as I’m typing this I am learning that thinking about yawning also makes me yawn, haha!

  17. What is worse: wearing skinny jeans that fit (but also have a pretty low rise by 2023 standards) or current items that fit 5-10 pounds ago? Apparently I am having a bad fall (illness and a lot of time in stretchy clothes at home recovering), in the health and vanity fronts. Now, I need larger clothes but am not up to braving a mall, so it is just weighing my bad options from my closet.

    4. pants that fit are always better than pants that do not fit. Style up the skinnies with modern pieces – i.e., ditch the heeled booties, drapey cardigans, etc – to avoid looking like you woke up in 2016.

  18. Shopping for my 2024 planner. Any suggestions for one like this?
    – 12 months, spiral bound, hard cover.
    – Monthly spread
    – Weekly spread – here is where I get specific. I’d like the days on the right hand side, vertically. No hourly slots and I’d really prefer no lines. One the left, I’d like a to-do list, meal-plan/list, and maybe a box for general notes.

    My Sugar Paper essentials from Target last year is almost perfect, but the list page on the side has too many sections To Do, To Buy, To Call, to Email, Goals, Notes) than I’d like. That’s pretty ticky, and I’d buy this one again if it comes down to it, but thought I’d ask. I

    1. The Metropolitan Museum of Art planner has exactly what you are looking for. I know because they used to include daily spaces with hour-by-hour slots, and I loved it. But now they only offer “days on the righ side, vertically, no hourly slots.” At least you can enjoy it if I can’t!

      Each year, they offer a couple different “colorways” (type of art reproduced) in both spiral and bound. Here is an example: https://store.metmuseum.org/masterpieces-engagement-calendar-2024-80057370

      1. These aren’t monthly though (or I would have gotten one). Also there is no blank space for notes because each week has a painting on the other side to accompany it.

        I just got a Leuchturm planner recently on a recommendation here and I really like it for the most part. My goal was a big monthly view and not too much random filler. It has a ton of blank pages for me to do what I will with, which is better than pages with prompts I won’t use. But it uses a European week spread so after being used to Sunday start time I am having a bit of a hard time to adjusting to a Monday start/Sunday end spread (which is funny because it is a much better/more logical way to do it).

        Something like this from Rifle Paper may better fill your needs: https://riflepaperco.com/2024-blossom-12-month-softcover-spiral-planner

    4. Try a Moleskine Planner. Not spiral bound but otherwise should fit your needs. Rifle Paper also offers a good option and is spiral bound.

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